Make The First Move

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Welcome back to the She Suite Society, the podcast where we celebrate the real, the raw, and the remarkable journeys of women who chose to bet on themselves.
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I'm your host in Empowerment Sherpa Dahlia, and today's guest is someone who, after losing the most important person in her world, did something most people only dream about.
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She bought a one-way ticket and left.
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Amanda Black is the founder of Sophie, a travel community built specifically for solo female travelers.
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But this is not a story about wanderlust.
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It's a story about grief, about reinvention, and about what happens when you stop shrinking yourself for other people's comfort and start building a life that is entirely, unapologetically yours.
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From backpacking through Central America alone to a TEDx stage to leading women on transformational group trips around the world, Amanda's path has been anything but conventional.
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And every twist in it makes complete sense when you hear where it all started.
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This conversation went deep fast.
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I think you're gonna feel that.
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Let's get into it.
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You lost your mom.
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Yeah.
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When did you lose your mom?
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Um, 10 years ago.
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Oh no way.
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Yeah, why?
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I also lost mine 10 years ago.
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That's crazy.
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Yeah.
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2016 is a is a it's quite a year, wasn't it?
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Mine was like, I guess mine was 2015, and it was a year at the end of last year.
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But yeah, same.
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I mean, yeah, awful.
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I'm so sorry.
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I'm sorry you for you too.
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It's because it sounds like both for from what I saw.
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I guess correct me too if I'm wrong.
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So I'm not here to tell your story.
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You're here to tell your story.
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But uh that was also your person, your lifeline, your phone call.
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And when you lose that person, it completely changes your outlook on life.
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I want as a whole, and what our meet and the meaning of it, I feel like.
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And you did something quite spectacular with with yours.
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I I want to hear about your journey, if you don't mind.
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Yeah, I mean, honestly, it wasn't like she died, and I was like, I'm gonna start a business.
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It was more like she died, and I thought, I didn't think a lot, actually.
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I was just sort of in a very confused, very grief-stricken state.
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And I just kind of decided that I was gonna do whatever I wanted.
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Like there were, you know, my mom was my best friend, biggest supporter, cheerleader.
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I would give anything to have had her longer.
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But, you know, because she was my mom and she loved me so much, she did worry about me a lot.
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And um, I knew that I wanted to be like a big traveler, but she was really scared of that.
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So I would very I would pick what I did very carefully and because I didn't want her to be too worried and upset, right?
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So, you know, when she died, I basically um disregarded all of her wishes and I did exactly what I wanted.
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I get it, I get it.
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It's uh I think that there are few people that can understand the actual meaning of the word bittersweet.
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Few people, because it's like I would give anything to be able to call that woman one more time, just to hear her voice one more time, just to go and sit with her, just have lunch, do whatever, fart around.
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That's what we used to do anyway, one more time.
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However, I know with every ounce of my being, if she were alive right now, she would have disagreed with like eight million of the choices I made since.
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But I feel like in in this state, you're able to live um with her still there, but authentically you.
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Yeah, I mean, I think that it's a it's a unique relationship when your mom, not everyone gets a mom who loves them to bits and sacrifices everything, you know, for for you.
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And so I think that like bittersweet is is a good way to put it, but I would almost I would say it's like 99% bitter and 1% sweet, you know.
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Absolutely, hands down.
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Yeah, hands.
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I mean, you have to like you have to find you have to find the silver lining, otherwise your own grief will kill you.
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Like 100%.
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Yeah.
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That grief is consuming, and that's why I think it's so beautiful in the way that you transformed yours.
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You pay it forward now for not only yourself, but everybody else.
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Tell me about the traveling that you're doing and what you're doing for other women everywhere.
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When when my mom died, I bought a one-way ticket to uh Honduras.
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So and then I backpacked around Central America, and you know, most of it was awesome and say, like, you know, safe.
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And but you you are more vulnerable as a woman traveling alone, especially as a woman traveling alone with a small budget.
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And some things happened.
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And my last straw was when I was uh traveling in my hotel room or my hostel room kind of got broken into and everything was stolen.
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So I just sort of remember, I had just gotten there, so I didn't really have any friends yet.
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Like I hadn't met anyone who, like as a lot, like a desperate resort, I could really turn to.
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And the people who I kind of knew I did not trust.
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And so um anyway, I just remember standing in the street thinking to myself, what in the world am I gonna do?
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But I was in a touristy name, uh like a touristy town, and I knew that there were women nearby, locals, travelers, who would help me if, you know, there was a way to connect with them.
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So once I replaced my computer, I started a Facebook group.
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And this was about 10 years ago.
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And the Facebook group grew.
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And a couple of years in, our travelers were asking if we could travel together.
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So I put our first tour together to Bali, and we had 17 women come on that trip, and it was awesome.
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And that's it, just kept doing it.
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I did another Bali one, and then we added South Africa, and then we just kind of I started adding destinations, and and here we are, eight years later, and this is what we do.
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And this is what you do.
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Is this what you do full-time now?
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Yeah.
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Oh, that's amazing.
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What were you doing before?
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Oh, well, I was um, I was an expat in Australia, struggling to get any job I could get.
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I was working like part-time, under minimum wage, under the table, very uh, very like it was, it was tough.
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So it's hard to get hired uh in that position.
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So um, that's what I was doing.
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But I did have a lot of experience in uh I did work for a volunteerism company, and I did have a lot of different types of experiences.
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I I worked in the wine industry for a long time.
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I did a lot of different things.
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So it was sort of like, you know, what my mom always was, she was always worried that I'd never found my calling.
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Like I was just sort of going from job to job to thing to thing, getting bored, moving on.
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And I knew that she wasn't, she was always proud of me, but I knew she wanted something steadier for me.
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And, you know, I look back and all of that experience was really how I was able to do this, how I was able to start this.
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And now I've been with it for eight years.
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So yeah, it's like in the heat of the moment, it might not make sense as to why you are wanting to do all those things, and then it all comes together, and you're like all those experiences come together and make this real for you.
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It it all adds up to something, doesn't it?
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Yeah, I think that's just so beautiful.
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Do you have uh where do you where are you now?
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Uh I live a couple years ago.
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I sort of settled down finally.
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Um and I live in San Diego.
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Okay, nice, great place to settle.
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That's amazing.
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And and you I I I sense a little reluctant reluctance in the settling part, is that just because by nature, but you still travel everywhere, but by nature, you're more of a child of the world than anything, it sounds like.
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Yeah, you know, it's a tough, it's a tough balance because when I was I traveled and lived abroad uh for for almost 10 years.
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And so I I actually during the pandemic, I kind of took our family dog.
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And so it forced me to have to, you know, she can't she can't go anywhere I want to go.
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So uh it forced me to sort of settle down.
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But also to be honest, that lifestyle is amazing, but it doesn't help you grow things long term.
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It doesn't, it doesn't build you like a real permanent, long-lasting community in person.
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And it doesn't, it doesn't allow you to, you know, like get to know your neighbors or those kind of things.
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So yeah, I made the choice to semi-settle down.
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And yes, I travel a lot.
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And oftentimes I'm just like, what am I doing here?
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But then I go to the beach and I snap myself out of it.
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So well, you have that luxury.
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Yeah, I think that's amazing.
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Tell me about this TED talk.
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How did you how what and how?
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Because public speaking, I have learned from a lot of people.
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I also enjoy public speaking, but public speaking, did you know, is like people's still number one fear?
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Don't know why, but it still is.
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Uh, and here you are, just like I'm gonna be a TEDx speaker.
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How did that happen?
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Um, it happened because I just honestly, I just sort of met the right people here in San Diego.
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Um, there's a lot of really great business owners and communities and things.
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And I just happened to get involved in one that had, you know, some previous San Diego TEDx speakers.
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And one of them, she and I just really, really bonded.
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We're still buddies, and she recommended me.
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And it is a tough process.
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Um, but I did get chosen in the end.
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And so I did it.
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And to be honest, that was really my first public speaking engagement.
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I did like one other thing with like a like a I don't know, like 50, I don't know.
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It wasn't a big, wasn't a big event, but that I did that one and then TEDx and yeah.
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That's amazing.
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That's insanity for that to be like your first one, which I love.
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I'm all about taking big leaps.
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Um, I think I've been that way my whole life, but it's gotten worse, of course, after losing my mom.
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She's not your tummy to stop now.
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Yeah.
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And it's just like, what else could I lose?
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Like what no, isn't that the worst part?
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And the best part is when you've lost, when you go through, I don't think people can understand what it what you go through when you lose that type of person, um, and how it really does change you fundamentally.
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And the way that you approach life, the way that you approach friendships, the way that you approach conversations, nothing can be small anymore.
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Literally, nothing can be meaningless anymore.
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And that small talk, what is that?
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Like it can't be that way anymore.
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And it's all about that deep connection.
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That was something I heard uh in what in your TED talk about the connections that you make in 48 hours with these women.
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How how is there a process you do, or is it just who you are?
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Yes.
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Yes, I know.
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So you know, I don't actually I don't bring this up a lot in podcasts because it doesn't usually kind of come up, but I do think though, when you'll understand this, when you lose your person this way, as you said, everything like the stakes are higher.
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And that's for me, that was really true with the people that I met.
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It was no longer like a lot of casual interactions, a lot of casual friendships, because I was, and honestly, I think to an extent, I will always be searching for something that is as close to my bond with my mom as possible.
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And I know that I'm never going to find it.
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You can't replace that.
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But the the friendships that sort of like ebb and die, and the small talk and the let's just meet for coffee, and then you never see them again, those things.
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I just it's of course they still happen, but I'm always on the search for my people, the people who I find engaging and interesting and exciting and kind and proactive and honest and all the things, right?
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So I think that that had a big that has a big hand in these tours that that I create.
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Because, you know, I can't promise that if you come on a tour that you're going to meet your new best friend.
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It happens all the time, but I can't promise that.
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Um, but what I do know is that when we we do a lot of work to try to set the stage for people to come and small talk will happen.
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It's a it's an important part of meeting people, right?
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But we try to get people past that faster.
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So yes, there are some things that we do, and it's and it's less about what we do, and it's more about how we train our team and the expectations that we set for our travelers before they even like get on the plane.
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Um, and then when you are doing these things, like the way that we plan the itinerary, the it's not none of it's really by accident.
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The day by day and the pace of a day, we want to like give you this big wow moment in a day, but then leave some time for you to kind of like decompress about it with each other over really good food and maybe a drink and a pretty view.
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Like that's an epic day for us because that will bond people naturally naturally.
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Yeah, it's exactly that's a great framework, and it's exactly right.
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It's the it's the um fact that you now know that the only real valuable thing you have is the time, the time that you spend, and you have to choose to spend it wisely, literally everything.
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You can't, it's the one thing you can't get back.
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Uh inevitably we'll all pass, but you but that's the point.
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You have to be very mindful about how you choose to spend your time and who wants to spend it being fake.
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Like I I have no patience for it anymore.
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I just I don't.
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And the thing, the thing is when you put that vibe out, you meet people that want to get the same out of life.
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Out of curiosity, when you were growing up, what what was your childhood like?
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Because you you've you're very, very traveled, but you've also to live abroad for so long.
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And to do that, I feel like you must have had a very different upbringing.
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Um, I mean, I don't know how different it was.
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One the one thing that was different is that we did move a lot.
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We moved like every every two to three years in during when I was a kid.
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And then we moved um to Ohio for um high when I was in high school.
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And so I went to high school and college in Ohio, but then I immediately like moved.
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So aside from that, from that part of my life, we were moving all the time.
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So, but I did also have I had parents who, you know, I always knew that I wanted to travel and I talked to them about it.
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I told I said when I was like 12 or something, I know that I'm going to live in another country and speak a different language when I'm older.
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I know it.
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I don't know why I knew that.
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I had never been anywhere, but I just like knew it in my and knew it in my bones.
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And when I would talk about travel with my parents, they would say, Oh yeah, for sure.
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When you graduate college, you know, maybe you can go to Europe for 10 days.
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Or if not, when you retire, you can do your 10-day trip to Europe.
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That was sort of their idea of international travel.
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They just aren't big, or like cruises, right?
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We did some cruises like as a family.
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Um, but I think though, you know, I my parents were had very kind of traditional roles.
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My dad worked and always came home after work.
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And my mom was um a stay-at-home mom.
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And they were very, very sweet, very kind, very deep people.
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And when we were moving, it forced us to become closer because none of us had anybody from place to place that we that we moved.
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So yeah, I think the constant moving, whereas like with my brother, he now he lives, he stayed in Ohio as soon as he became old enough to make these decisions for himself, and he's probably not gonna leave.
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But I keep moving.
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It's just sort of I don't know.
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I don't know how it how it affected us so differently.
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But but yeah, that's kind of how I was brought up.
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Siblings, uh, it's it's a weird psychological thing.
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You can be raised in the same household with the exact same parents under the exact same roof and have very different childhoods.
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It is crazy how that works out.
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Um, I get that.
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I'm a I'm all I'm like you.
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I'm not, I don't, I don't want to call it flighty.
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Some people used to call me that, not that way.
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Just I do think the world is a lot bigger and small at the same time, and we have a lot more in common.
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And like you, that's what this podcast is for.
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It's to bridge that community because we're not really alone.
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And when you start to put those feelers out, you find each other.
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And it's a lot bigger than than one would think.
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And it doesn't matter where you grew up.
00:18:37.039 --> 00:18:40.640
The it the the fact is it's a soul tribe at the end of it all.
00:18:41.279 --> 00:18:44.720
What are you hoping to for non-flighty people?
00:18:44.880 --> 00:18:48.079
Where what are you hoping for the uh to for all of this?
00:18:48.240 --> 00:18:56.240
What would be your idea of at the end of it all, you can put a I heard it once put like stamp stamp your life.
00:18:56.400 --> 00:19:00.640
Like if you put an authoritative stamp on your life to say, Yep, I'm done.
00:19:00.720 --> 00:19:04.079
I did a good job, what would that look like for you?
00:19:04.559 --> 00:19:20.480
It's interesting that you ask this question because you know, if you had asked me maybe five years ago or so, I would have said to grow Sophie, to be bigger than insert whatever massive travel company you want, um, to be like the resource for solo female travelers.
00:19:20.640 --> 00:19:23.440
And of course, I still I wouldn't say no to that.
00:19:23.680 --> 00:19:27.279
But but I think though, it's changed though.
00:19:27.599 --> 00:19:40.240
I just, I just I know that being a woman can be hard and it can, it can be if you've gone through the kind of grief that we've gone through, it can be really isolating.
00:19:40.400 --> 00:19:42.319
It can be isolating even if you haven't.
00:19:42.480 --> 00:19:50.880
And as we get older, I'm very passionate about the idea that we as women are finally in a position where we can do whatever we want.
00:19:51.039 --> 00:19:58.000
We can get married, we cannot get married, we can have a career, we cannot really have a career, we can have kids, we can like we have we can do whatever we want.
00:19:58.079 --> 00:20:10.240
And a lot of us are choosing to not go through that traditional path that even our mothers kind of not maybe they had to, you know, even my mom's generation, it was teacher, nurse, or secretary.
00:20:10.319 --> 00:20:12.720
Those were the career options.
00:20:13.200 --> 00:20:24.960
So um we're finally at a stage where we can do whatever we want, but I think what we what hasn't really caught up to our lifestyle is the way that we treat connections with each other.
00:20:25.200 --> 00:20:37.039
Like we still tend, because this is how we were raised, we still tend to idealize and prioritize the romantic relationships above friendships a lot of the time.
00:20:37.359 --> 00:20:38.400
We tend to, right?
00:20:38.480 --> 00:20:53.599
We tend to- I know we tend to like we we tend to at some point a lot of us stop putting our whole heart into the people that we meet.
00:20:53.839 --> 00:20:55.440
And sure we've been burned, I guess.
00:20:55.519 --> 00:21:01.519
I don't know, but remember when we were in our 20s and it was just like, okay, you're my bestie, let's go have it like, let's go to the bar or whatever.
00:21:01.680 --> 00:21:08.400
Like, you know, I I'm I don't know why we stopped doing that exactly, but I also know that we have to stop.
00:21:08.640 --> 00:21:24.799
We have to really like we're all going to continuously feel isolated and sometimes lonely if we don't start treating our non-romantic relationships with a little bit more like seriousness and intention.
00:21:25.359 --> 00:21:28.160
So anyway, so well, all that to say.
00:21:28.400 --> 00:21:31.279
Um, I I loved all those words.
00:21:32.880 --> 00:21:45.519
These tours, like whether it's through these tours, whether it's, I don't know, through something else I do in the future, I would just love to help women feel more connected.
00:21:45.680 --> 00:21:48.400
I mean, what in whatever way I can do that.
00:21:48.799 --> 00:21:49.759
Completely agree.
00:21:49.920 --> 00:21:54.400
You and I are on the same mission, coming at it from multiple angles.
00:21:54.480 --> 00:21:59.759
And what gives me hope is that there's more of us out there coming at this from as many angles.
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:10.240
As we can, because I ultimately believe that women always do at their heart and their core want to be communal.
00:22:10.559 --> 00:22:14.160
And the decentralization of men is important.
00:22:14.319 --> 00:22:16.640
It's not to it's not saying men aren't important.
00:22:16.720 --> 00:22:18.720
It just means you're not the center of our universe.
00:22:18.880 --> 00:22:19.200
Yeah.
00:22:19.440 --> 00:22:19.920
We are.
00:22:20.000 --> 00:22:21.839
We are the center of our own universe.
00:22:22.079 --> 00:22:23.759
And they can exist there too.
00:22:23.920 --> 00:22:26.559
We can all equally exist in footing.
00:22:26.720 --> 00:22:31.680
But the only way to do that at this moment in time, to your point, is that community of women.
00:22:31.839 --> 00:22:32.960
I could not agree more.
00:22:33.119 --> 00:22:34.880
I have the same, I have the same thought.
00:22:34.960 --> 00:22:36.960
That's the stamp for me at the end of my logic.
00:22:37.759 --> 00:22:38.160
Love it.
00:22:38.559 --> 00:22:42.720
To have that community built so that people can feel less alone.
00:22:42.880 --> 00:22:49.680
The thing about it is, psychologically speaking, the reason people like you and me go after stuff like this is because we have felt that depth.
00:22:49.920 --> 00:22:50.799
Have you ever heard that?
00:22:50.960 --> 00:22:54.400
Like you can only behave on the polars, right?
00:22:54.559 --> 00:22:59.279
So as lonely as you've ever felt is just how connected you can allow people to feel.
00:22:59.519 --> 00:23:05.200
As happy as you ever, ever can feel equals the depth of the sorrow that you've experienced.
00:23:05.440 --> 00:23:08.720
Hate to say it, but that's what makes it so also beautiful.
00:23:08.960 --> 00:23:15.839
There's the silver lining for you, in case you didn't have it before, uh to add a little more sweet to the bitter.
00:23:16.240 --> 00:23:17.920
I totally, I totally agree.
00:23:18.000 --> 00:23:20.799
And I say that a similar thing all the time.
00:23:20.960 --> 00:23:24.480
So I love that we we are already there with each other.
00:23:24.799 --> 00:23:25.920
Same wavelength.
00:23:26.640 --> 00:23:32.880
So I'm I know I'm a butt head and showed up late, but in the interest of time, I end every episode the same.
00:23:33.119 --> 00:23:38.400
And I know as almost all these episodes go, it's all it's all uh advice.
00:23:38.640 --> 00:23:52.559
But if you could give one piece of advice, maybe it's a phrase that you live by, maybe it's a saying or a quote you have hanging on your wall, what is that piece of advice that you think the listeners can use or would need to hear right now?
00:23:54.720 --> 00:24:01.359
I'm gonna give a bit of very practical advice um based on based on what we've talked about today.
00:24:01.519 --> 00:24:15.039
But I just want to encourage anyone, if you are feel like you're looking for your people, like you're looking for your your girls, like your inner circle, it is okay to be the one to make the first move.
00:24:15.200 --> 00:24:26.400
It's okay to be the one who sounds not too much, but a little bit like I don't know, like be the one who says, I like you and I think we could be friends.
00:24:26.480 --> 00:24:27.200
Do you want to go out?
00:24:27.279 --> 00:24:28.319
Do you want to go hang out?
00:24:28.559 --> 00:24:35.039
Like, or you know, or go pick something, pick something fun and random to do that you've always wanted to try with somebody.
00:24:35.119 --> 00:24:35.839
Like just do it.
00:24:35.920 --> 00:24:38.000
Just like what's the worst that's gonna happen?
00:24:38.160 --> 00:24:47.440
And because because 99 out of a hundred times, if that person doesn't meet you with the same enthusiasm, it's it's not about you.
00:24:47.599 --> 00:24:52.559
It's about them, it's about their fears, their issues, their time, their capacity.
00:24:52.720 --> 00:24:54.000
It has nothing to do with you.
00:24:54.240 --> 00:25:00.240
Everybody wants to feel chosen, everyone wants to be approached, everyone wants connection.
00:25:00.559 --> 00:25:02.720
So just go for it.
00:25:03.279 --> 00:25:04.720
I love that advice.
00:25:05.200 --> 00:25:06.480
Make the first move.
00:25:06.640 --> 00:25:07.039
Yeah.
00:25:07.920 --> 00:25:09.039
And it's okay.
00:25:09.200 --> 00:25:14.640
It's I think that fear of rejection creeps in, but to your point, you have nothing to lose.
00:25:14.799 --> 00:25:18.079
If they're your people, they'll say they'll say yes with the same enthusiasm.
00:25:18.160 --> 00:25:22.160
If they're not, you just saved yourself a whole load of heartache.
00:25:22.240 --> 00:25:22.640
It's okay.
00:25:22.880 --> 00:25:23.119
Exactly.
00:25:23.839 --> 00:25:24.960
Amanda, thank you.
00:25:25.119 --> 00:25:25.599
Truly.
00:25:25.839 --> 00:25:30.720
This conversation is one I'm going to be thinking about for a long time, and I know our listeners will too.
00:25:30.960 --> 00:25:37.599
If today resonated with you, please reach out to Amanda and check out Sophie, her community for solo female travelers.
00:25:37.759 --> 00:25:39.680
You can find all her details in the show notes.
00:25:39.759 --> 00:25:47.200
And honestly, if you've been thinking about taking that trip or going somewhere new, doing something brave, go look at what she's built.
00:25:47.440 --> 00:25:50.240
It might just be exactly what you've been waiting for.
00:25:50.400 --> 00:25:55.839
And the piece of advice I want you to carry out of this episode, make the first move.
00:25:56.079 --> 00:26:01.920
With a trip, with a friendship, with a life you keep putting off, because the worst that can happen is a no.
00:26:02.240 --> 00:26:04.400
And that has nothing to do with you.
00:26:04.640 --> 00:26:06.880
If this episode moved you, share it.
00:26:07.039 --> 00:26:14.720
Send it to a woman in your life who's looking for her people, who is ready for something more, who needs someone to tell her it's okay to go first.
00:26:14.880 --> 00:26:16.640
Leave us a review, spread the word.
00:26:16.720 --> 00:26:18.079
It means everything.
00:26:18.240 --> 00:26:20.799
Remember, your life is your story to tell.
00:26:20.960 --> 00:26:22.960
Why not make it extraordinary?
00:26:23.119 --> 00:26:25.279
Until next time, I'm Dahlia.
00:26:25.599 --> 00:26:26.960
Thanks for being here.