OM DENNE EPISODE
[Audio Diary 11.7.25]
In this deeply introspective episode, I'm wrestling with creative burnout and asking the brutal question: what am I even trying to say with these stairfalls anymore when they came from frustration and anger that I don't feel now? I'm caught between wanting discipline to keep creating content versus only making things when they bubble up from within, realizing the frenetic energy that drove me earlier this year (terrible rash, Palisades fires, fear I'd never perform again) has evaporated now that I've proven to myself millions of people want to watch my content.
The real struggle is admitting I don't care enough about anything to receive backlash for it—I like being characters not myself, I don't want to give parenting tips or yatter about chasing dreams, and maybe the answer is creating as Lexi, Dakota, or Everly instead of me because there's nothing I care that much about to get hate comments over as myself, plus I woke up before Halloween with my kidney and hip hurting like time folded on itself knowing I'd bang it during the stairfall.
Key Themes & Takeaways:
Creative burnout and loss of drive - "Stairfalls came from frustration at myself and the world, now I feel satisfied and calm but have no hunger to perform other things"
The frenetic energy disappeared - "Beginning of year I had terrible rash, lost business to Palisades fires, thought I'd never perform again - that underlying frenetic energy drove me, now it's gone and I'm like okay now what?"
Proving something vs sustainable creation - "I was so driven by fiery passion to prove I had something special millions would watch, I've proven that time and time again, now I need something more sustainable"
Not caring enough to receive backlash - "I don't care that much about anything to put it out into the world to receive potential backlash, and things I do care about I don't feel need to talk about publicly"
Prefer being characters not myself - "I want to perform, I want to be a character, I want to feel things but not as me because I feel calm and don't need friction on the interwebs for no reason"
The $5 million freedom number - "At $5 million I could invest it and pull $200,000 a year and just be free to create without the whisper saying you have to do it or bad things will happen"
Fiercely independent won't accept help - "I'm fiercely independent in good way but also doesn't allow me to feel supported because I won't allow people to support me, I feel like I should be leader of every community"
Time folding on itself hip injury - "I woke up before Halloween stairfall with my kidney and right side hurting, then banged that same hip during the fall like my body already knew it would get jacked up"
Plant seed where you want to grow - "Can I do stairfalls until I'm 120? I don't think so, so I need to build the one that glitters Instagram instead"
Compare and despair trap - "Getting caught comparing to other people's pages going 'they're so good at this why can't I do it' when I'm sure someone could do that to my page too"
