WEBVTT
00:00:01.280 --> 00:00:03.040
You pay the invoice.
00:00:04.879 --> 00:00:08.000
Not because you're getting any value.
00:00:09.199 --> 00:00:12.480
Just because you haven't cancelled it yet.
00:00:13.759 --> 00:00:19.039
You've been meaning to cancel it for a while, usually by now.
00:00:20.879 --> 00:00:27.839
But there's always something, a conversation you're going to have.
00:00:29.839 --> 00:00:31.760
A month you're gonna give it.
00:00:34.159 --> 00:00:36.079
A standard you're gonna set.
00:00:39.600 --> 00:00:46.000
But then you pay the invoice, and the loop stays open.
00:01:00.320 --> 00:01:04.239
You're not keeping it open because it's working.
00:01:06.560 --> 00:01:10.640
You're keeping it open because you haven't decided yet.
00:01:12.480 --> 00:01:17.200
And you haven't decided because you haven't set a standard.
00:01:18.719 --> 00:01:22.719
Not because you didn't have the information.
00:01:25.280 --> 00:01:28.719
Not because it you don't know what you need.
00:01:30.560 --> 00:01:33.680
You certainly know what you need from this.
00:01:35.680 --> 00:01:43.840
You just haven't said it out loud to them with consequences attached.
00:01:46.159 --> 00:01:52.640
Hinting isn't setting a standard, it's just giving yourself more time.
00:01:54.400 --> 00:02:16.960
Because the difference between a hint and a standard is if anything happens, or what closes when it isn't met, and there's a reason you hint instead of setting a standard, you like them.
00:02:17.919 --> 00:02:26.479
You've worked together for some time, and you have built a relationship, you have a relationship with them.
00:02:27.919 --> 00:02:36.400
And so instead of saying, This is what I need, and if it doesn't happen by next day, we're done.
00:02:37.039 --> 00:02:41.039
You say things like, have you thought about trying this?
00:02:42.879 --> 00:02:48.800
Or something like, I think we have an opportunity here to improve.
00:02:49.680 --> 00:02:52.000
Let's just see how next month goes.
00:02:53.680 --> 00:02:56.800
What you've actually said is nothing.
00:02:57.919 --> 00:03:03.759
What you've given them is another undeclared chance.
00:03:05.280 --> 00:03:12.000
They don't know it's their last one, and you're not sure you're not sure either.
00:03:14.159 --> 00:03:15.680
You're not being kind.
00:03:16.719 --> 00:03:18.560
You're being imprecise.
00:03:20.800 --> 00:03:28.240
Because hinting at improvement without setting a standard doesn't give them a chance.
00:03:29.360 --> 00:03:32.400
It just delays the conversation.
00:03:33.680 --> 00:03:37.439
You haven't actually had the courage to have.
00:03:40.639 --> 00:03:50.800
And while it stays open, you can still be that person who gave them every chance.
00:03:52.080 --> 00:04:00.080
You haven't been hard, you haven't been unfair, you've been patient.
00:04:02.159 --> 00:04:12.080
The loop stays open, the relationship stays intact, and the money keeps leaving.
00:04:14.319 --> 00:04:20.319
And you get to keep, you get to keep being the person who didn't make the call.
00:04:21.600 --> 00:04:22.879
Except you did.
00:04:24.879 --> 00:04:29.519
Every month you paid without deciding.
00:04:31.199 --> 00:04:35.519
Because keeping it open is a decision.
00:04:36.160 --> 00:04:39.199
You just haven't admitted which one.
00:04:41.439 --> 00:04:46.800
But here's the part that doesn't show on the invoice.
00:04:48.399 --> 00:04:51.360
Because you often think about them.
00:04:53.279 --> 00:04:57.360
Not when you're working, but in between.
00:04:58.319 --> 00:05:10.079
When you're driving, when the week is quiet, or even when you're doing something entirely different, they surface.
00:05:11.120 --> 00:05:14.720
Not urgently, just there.
00:05:16.879 --> 00:05:22.160
You're carrying the weight of a conversation you haven't even had.
00:05:24.079 --> 00:05:28.720
And they're carrying uncertainty of not knowing where they stand.
00:05:30.720 --> 00:05:34.240
And the money keeps on still leaving.
00:05:36.240 --> 00:05:43.839
The open loop isn't just a cost on a balance sheet, it's cognitive rent.
00:05:44.959 --> 00:05:47.680
And it's living rent-free in your head.
00:05:49.600 --> 00:05:53.600
The conversation you keep not having isn't neutral.
00:05:54.399 --> 00:05:55.839
It keeps running.
00:05:56.480 --> 00:05:57.920
It keeps costing.
00:05:59.120 --> 00:06:04.240
They're in your head, and you're still paying the invoice.
00:06:07.680 --> 00:06:11.040
I've been there, I've been the one paying that invoice.
00:06:11.519 --> 00:06:20.800
Different services, different relationships, but still the same pattern.
00:06:22.959 --> 00:06:27.759
And what I noticed wasn't really the cost of cancelling.
00:06:29.199 --> 00:06:33.439
It was the fact that I was carrying it for so long.
00:06:35.680 --> 00:06:37.279
The thinking about them.
00:06:38.959 --> 00:06:43.920
That vague sense that it needed to be resolved.
00:06:45.600 --> 00:06:50.079
The month I'd give it, and then the next.
00:06:52.720 --> 00:06:59.040
And what changed wasn't leaning in to be harder.
00:07:00.800 --> 00:07:03.120
It was leaning in to be fairer.
00:07:05.600 --> 00:07:12.000
I learned to tell people up front, this is what I need.
00:07:13.439 --> 00:07:15.839
This is what success looks like.
00:07:17.279 --> 00:07:21.920
And you can decide if you want to do business on that basis.
00:07:23.040 --> 00:07:27.120
No hints, no undeclared chances.
00:07:30.160 --> 00:07:38.959
If they set the standard themselves and didn't meet it, I didn't need to feel anything.
00:07:40.639 --> 00:07:43.600
The decision had already been made.
00:07:44.399 --> 00:07:45.839
They made it.
00:07:48.160 --> 00:07:53.920
And the guilt went because the ambiguity went.
00:08:04.160 --> 00:08:16.000
You can feel the difference, I guess, between a relationship where a standard is clear and one where you're hoping they'll get there.
00:08:18.800 --> 00:08:25.680
One of them has an end state, and the other one just has next month.
00:08:28.160 --> 00:08:32.000
Calling it giving them a chance doesn't change what it is.
00:08:34.159 --> 00:08:38.639
If they don't know the criteria, they can't meet it.
00:08:40.559 --> 00:08:47.919
And if you haven't named the criteria, the decision is already yours to make.
00:08:48.720 --> 00:08:50.639
You're just postponing it.
00:08:52.960 --> 00:08:57.120
And the unclear version isn't kind.
00:08:58.960 --> 00:09:02.960
Imprecision is a form of cruelty.
00:09:03.519 --> 00:09:07.279
And I don't say that to make anyone feel bad.
00:09:08.559 --> 00:09:18.799
It's innocently done, but it is to them, to yourself.
00:09:20.559 --> 00:09:27.039
And so the next decision has to be made in the shadow of this one.
00:09:30.159 --> 00:09:35.039
Every unclosed loop shapes the three decisions after it.
00:09:38.159 --> 00:09:41.360
There's an invoice you're about to pay.
00:09:43.120 --> 00:09:44.639
You know what you need.
00:09:46.080 --> 00:09:48.720
Not what you'd like to see improve.
00:09:50.080 --> 00:09:56.240
What you actually need by when for it to be worth continuing.
00:09:58.240 --> 00:10:05.919
You haven't said it out loud yet to them with the consequences attached.
00:10:07.679 --> 00:10:10.639
They don't know where they stand.
00:10:12.320 --> 00:10:15.120
And you've told yourself that's a kindness.
00:10:17.600 --> 00:10:21.279
What standard have you kept to yourself?
00:10:21.919 --> 00:10:29.519
Because naming it would mean you'd have to close the decision when it wasn't met.
00:00:01.280 --> 00:00:03.040
You pay the invoice.
00:00:04.879 --> 00:00:08.000
Not because you're getting any value.
00:00:09.199 --> 00:00:12.480
Just because you haven't cancelled it yet.
00:00:13.759 --> 00:00:19.039
You've been meaning to cancel it for a while, usually by now.
00:00:20.879 --> 00:00:27.839
But there's always something, a conversation you're going to have.
00:00:29.839 --> 00:00:31.760
A month you're gonna give it.
00:00:34.159 --> 00:00:36.079
A standard you're gonna set.
00:00:39.600 --> 00:00:46.000
But then you pay the invoice, and the loop stays open.
00:01:00.320 --> 00:01:04.239
You're not keeping it open because it's working.
00:01:06.560 --> 00:01:10.640
You're keeping it open because you haven't decided yet.
00:01:12.480 --> 00:01:17.200
And you haven't decided because you haven't set a standard.
00:01:18.719 --> 00:01:22.719
Not because you didn't have the information.
00:01:25.280 --> 00:01:28.719
Not because it you don't know what you need.
00:01:30.560 --> 00:01:33.680
You certainly know what you need from this.
00:01:35.680 --> 00:01:43.840
You just haven't said it out loud to them with consequences attached.
00:01:46.159 --> 00:01:52.640
Hinting isn't setting a standard, it's just giving yourself more time.
00:01:54.400 --> 00:02:16.960
Because the difference between a hint and a standard is if anything happens, or what closes when it isn't met, and there's a reason you hint instead of setting a standard, you like them.
00:02:17.919 --> 00:02:26.479
You've worked together for some time, and you have built a relationship, you have a relationship with them.
00:02:27.919 --> 00:02:36.400
And so instead of saying, This is what I need, and if it doesn't happen by next day, we're done.
00:02:37.039 --> 00:02:41.039
You say things like, have you thought about trying this?
00:02:42.879 --> 00:02:48.800
Or something like, I think we have an opportunity here to improve.
00:02:49.680 --> 00:02:52.000
Let's just see how next month goes.
00:02:53.680 --> 00:02:56.800
What you've actually said is nothing.
00:02:57.919 --> 00:03:03.759
What you've given them is another undeclared chance.
00:03:05.280 --> 00:03:12.000
They don't know it's their last one, and you're not sure you're not sure either.
00:03:14.159 --> 00:03:15.680
You're not being kind.
00:03:16.719 --> 00:03:18.560
You're being imprecise.
00:03:20.800 --> 00:03:28.240
Because hinting at improvement without setting a standard doesn't give them a chance.
00:03:29.360 --> 00:03:32.400
It just delays the conversation.
00:03:33.680 --> 00:03:37.439
You haven't actually had the courage to have.
00:03:40.639 --> 00:03:50.800
And while it stays open, you can still be that person who gave them every chance.
00:03:52.080 --> 00:04:00.080
You haven't been hard, you haven't been unfair, you've been patient.
00:04:02.159 --> 00:04:12.080
The loop stays open, the relationship stays intact, and the money keeps leaving.
00:04:14.319 --> 00:04:20.319
And you get to keep, you get to keep being the person who didn't make the call.
00:04:21.600 --> 00:04:22.879
Except you did.
00:04:24.879 --> 00:04:29.519
Every month you paid without deciding.
00:04:31.199 --> 00:04:35.519
Because keeping it open is a decision.
00:04:36.160 --> 00:04:39.199
You just haven't admitted which one.
00:04:41.439 --> 00:04:46.800
But here's the part that doesn't show on the invoice.
00:04:48.399 --> 00:04:51.360
Because you often think about them.
00:04:53.279 --> 00:04:57.360
Not when you're working, but in between.
00:04:58.319 --> 00:05:10.079
When you're driving, when the week is quiet, or even when you're doing something entirely different, they surface.
00:05:11.120 --> 00:05:14.720
Not urgently, just there.
00:05:16.879 --> 00:05:22.160
You're carrying the weight of a conversation you haven't even had.
00:05:24.079 --> 00:05:28.720
And they're carrying uncertainty of not knowing where they stand.
00:05:30.720 --> 00:05:34.240
And the money keeps on still leaving.
00:05:36.240 --> 00:05:43.839
The open loop isn't just a cost on a balance sheet, it's cognitive rent.
00:05:44.959 --> 00:05:47.680
And it's living rent-free in your head.
00:05:49.600 --> 00:05:53.600
The conversation you keep not having isn't neutral.
00:05:54.399 --> 00:05:55.839
It keeps running.
00:05:56.480 --> 00:05:57.920
It keeps costing.
00:05:59.120 --> 00:06:04.240
They're in your head, and you're still paying the invoice.
00:06:07.680 --> 00:06:11.040
I've been there, I've been the one paying that invoice.
00:06:11.519 --> 00:06:20.800
Different services, different relationships, but still the same pattern.
00:06:22.959 --> 00:06:27.759
And what I noticed wasn't really the cost of cancelling.
00:06:29.199 --> 00:06:33.439
It was the fact that I was carrying it for so long.
00:06:35.680 --> 00:06:37.279
The thinking about them.
00:06:38.959 --> 00:06:43.920
That vague sense that it needed to be resolved.
00:06:45.600 --> 00:06:50.079
The month I'd give it, and then the next.
00:06:52.720 --> 00:06:59.040
And what changed wasn't leaning in to be harder.
00:07:00.800 --> 00:07:03.120
It was leaning in to be fairer.
00:07:05.600 --> 00:07:12.000
I learned to tell people up front, this is what I need.
00:07:13.439 --> 00:07:15.839
This is what success looks like.
00:07:17.279 --> 00:07:21.920
And you can decide if you want to do business on that basis.
00:07:23.040 --> 00:07:27.120
No hints, no undeclared chances.
00:07:30.160 --> 00:07:38.959
If they set the standard themselves and didn't meet it, I didn't need to feel anything.
00:07:40.639 --> 00:07:43.600
The decision had already been made.
00:07:44.399 --> 00:07:45.839
They made it.
00:07:48.160 --> 00:07:53.920
And the guilt went because the ambiguity went.
00:08:04.160 --> 00:08:16.000
You can feel the difference, I guess, between a relationship where a standard is clear and one where you're hoping they'll get there.
00:08:18.800 --> 00:08:25.680
One of them has an end state, and the other one just has next month.
00:08:28.160 --> 00:08:32.000
Calling it giving them a chance doesn't change what it is.
00:08:34.159 --> 00:08:38.639
If they don't know the criteria, they can't meet it.
00:08:40.559 --> 00:08:47.919
And if you haven't named the criteria, the decision is already yours to make.
00:08:48.720 --> 00:08:50.639
You're just postponing it.
00:08:52.960 --> 00:08:57.120
And the unclear version isn't kind.
00:08:58.960 --> 00:09:02.960
Imprecision is a form of cruelty.
00:09:03.519 --> 00:09:07.279
And I don't say that to make anyone feel bad.
00:09:08.559 --> 00:09:18.799
It's innocently done, but it is to them, to yourself.
00:09:20.559 --> 00:09:27.039
And so the next decision has to be made in the shadow of this one.
00:09:30.159 --> 00:09:35.039
Every unclosed loop shapes the three decisions after it.
00:09:38.159 --> 00:09:41.360
There's an invoice you're about to pay.
00:09:43.120 --> 00:09:44.639
You know what you need.
00:09:46.080 --> 00:09:48.720
Not what you'd like to see improve.
00:09:50.080 --> 00:09:56.240
What you actually need by when for it to be worth continuing.
00:09:58.240 --> 00:10:05.919
You haven't said it out loud yet to them with the consequences attached.
00:10:07.679 --> 00:10:10.639
They don't know where they stand.
00:10:12.320 --> 00:10:15.120
And you've told yourself that's a kindness.
00:10:17.600 --> 00:10:21.279
What standard have you kept to yourself?
00:10:21.919 --> 00:10:29.519
Because naming it would mean you'd have to close the decision when it wasn't met.
