WEBVTT
00:00:11.199 --> 00:00:20.719
Hey everybody, it's your group Brianna Williams, LAPC, and welcome back to another Reaching Minds podcast.
00:00:20.960 --> 00:00:30.559
I'm so glad to have you guys um and to talk to you with our last episode of Healing Isn't Cute.
00:00:30.960 --> 00:00:32.399
I know all man.
00:00:33.359 --> 00:00:35.119
We've been talking about a lot of stuff.
00:00:35.359 --> 00:00:37.359
We've been diving deep, reflecting.
00:00:37.520 --> 00:00:39.200
We talked about losing people.
00:00:39.359 --> 00:00:40.719
We talked about accountability.
00:00:40.880 --> 00:00:43.359
We talked about forgiveness and boundaries.
00:00:43.600 --> 00:00:48.320
And now we're going to talk about something that I think a lot of us struggle to admit.
00:00:49.039 --> 00:00:53.840
Is that you can miss someone and still choose yourself.
00:00:54.640 --> 00:00:59.280
You can know that the relationship wasn't good for you and still miss them.
00:00:59.520 --> 00:01:03.280
You can know that you made the right decision and still cry.
00:01:03.520 --> 00:01:07.200
You can know that you shouldn't go back and still want to.
00:01:08.000 --> 00:01:10.799
Sometimes that makes us question ourselves, right?
00:01:11.040 --> 00:01:15.280
It makes us say, if I miss them this much, did I make the right decision?
00:01:15.599 --> 00:01:18.879
If I still love them, am I really healing?
00:01:19.439 --> 00:01:23.280
If I want to call them, does that mean I haven't moved on?
00:01:24.719 --> 00:01:25.040
No.
00:01:26.079 --> 00:01:28.879
It means that you're human.
00:01:29.519 --> 00:01:38.159
And so today we're going to talk about what happens when your heart hasn't caught up with what your mind already knows.
00:01:38.400 --> 00:01:39.920
Let's get into it.
00:01:40.879 --> 00:01:48.000
So missing someone is not the same thing as needing someone, right?
00:01:48.319 --> 00:02:01.040
You can miss the conversations, you can miss the routine, you can miss having somebody to call, you can miss the good memories, you can even miss who you were when you were with that person, right?
00:02:01.599 --> 00:02:06.400
And none of that automatically means that the relationship needs to come back.
00:02:06.719 --> 00:02:17.919
But sometimes we're not actually missing the relationship, we're missing how familiar it was.
00:02:19.360 --> 00:02:21.840
We're missing what we knew.
00:02:22.479 --> 00:02:28.240
Because even unhealthy situations can feel comfortable when they're familiar.
00:02:28.560 --> 00:02:37.840
And sometimes our nervous system doesn't know the difference between this is good for me and this is what I'm used to.
00:02:38.719 --> 00:02:46.639
So this doesn't mean that we don't acknowledge the feeling, but we don't have to act on it.
00:02:47.759 --> 00:02:51.919
Missing someone is an emotion, not an instruction.
00:02:52.479 --> 00:02:56.879
Doesn't mean that I have to go and fulfill this purpose.
00:02:57.199 --> 00:03:01.439
And so the next time that you're missing someone or something, right?
00:03:01.599 --> 00:03:08.080
I want you to ask yourself instead of instead of asking, should I go back?
00:03:08.479 --> 00:03:11.360
Ask yourself, what am I missing?
00:03:12.960 --> 00:03:19.759
Because sometimes we're not grieving the person or the thing, but we're grieving the future that we thought we would have, right?
00:03:19.919 --> 00:03:38.960
We thought that you know we would have a family by now, or we thought that we would be this high in our career if we stayed there, or we thought that you know we would be building legacies and creating um um income and things like that.
00:03:39.120 --> 00:03:43.120
We think about all these different things that could have been.
00:03:43.280 --> 00:03:53.599
We thought that we would have uh Thanksgiving together and all these things when we um think about stepping away, right?
00:03:54.400 --> 00:04:18.399
And sometimes that hurts more because you're not saying goodbye to what happened, but what could have happened, and this is the part of healing that is tough is that when your heart has not caught up to reality, your brain can know something way before your emotions catch up, right?
00:04:18.639 --> 00:04:45.920
You can know that this isn't healthy, or this relationship isn't working, or I deserve different, or this environment is toxic, or I can't I can't keep doing this, yet your heart can still say, but I love them, or I I enjoy this community, I enjoy this job, that's family.
00:04:46.639 --> 00:04:59.360
You can say all these different things, and that's okay, because healing doesn't require your emotions to immediately agree with your decisions.
00:05:00.959 --> 00:05:07.439
Sometimes you have to make healthy decisions while your emotions are still uncomfortable with it.
00:05:09.040 --> 00:05:15.680
You don't always heal when you're ready, but you heal when you make a choice.
00:05:16.800 --> 00:05:19.680
Sometimes that choice calls for loneliness to set in.
00:05:23.519 --> 00:05:30.879
And loneliness, it will make your brain forget parts that made you say, I can't do this anymore.
00:05:33.519 --> 00:05:57.279
Because when you miss someone, you begin to think of those good moments, you begin to think of all the things that that drew you to that person or drew you to that situation or drew you to that job, or you know, you look at how comfortable it was, even as it is uncomfortable, right?
00:06:00.079 --> 00:06:10.959
But I encourage you that when you miss someone or something, I encourage you to remember the whole story.
00:06:12.720 --> 00:06:17.600
Because oftentimes we just miss the highlight reels.
00:06:19.920 --> 00:06:28.000
And truth be told, if the reels weren't enough then, what would make them enough now?
00:06:30.879 --> 00:06:34.560
So what does choosing yourself actually mean?
00:06:35.680 --> 00:06:49.920
It doesn't mean that you stop caring, it doesn't mean that you become cold, it doesn't mean that you never think about them again or that you're or or or think about that thing again or the experience, right?
00:06:50.240 --> 00:06:59.519
But it means that you're no longer willing to abandon yourself just to keep someone else or something else.
00:07:01.120 --> 00:07:12.879
Choosing yourself might mean that, okay, I'm not going to send this text, I'm not going to reopen the door, I'm going to keep my boundaries, I'm going to go to therapy.
00:07:13.040 --> 00:07:15.199
Um, I'm gonna let myself grieve.
00:07:15.279 --> 00:07:22.800
I'm gonna give myself time, I'm gonna build a life that doesn't revolve around them anymore, right?
00:07:23.519 --> 00:07:32.720
It's even learning who you are again, getting some hobbies, you know, thinking about the things that you want to do and doing them.
00:07:33.040 --> 00:07:46.319
It's finding joy again, and it's eventually realizing that I can love what that relationship meant to me without needing to return to it.
00:07:48.720 --> 00:07:50.160
And that's hard.
00:07:52.000 --> 00:07:58.000
That's like a struggle right there because sometimes that feels like betrayal.
00:08:00.560 --> 00:08:30.319
Sometimes you might even feel guilty for being happy when you decide to move forward, but moving forward does not erase what happened, it means that you're allowing your life to continue, and so what I want you to do for your homework, right?
00:08:30.879 --> 00:08:46.879
Because I love homework, I want you to really reflect in journal and say, what would choosing myself look like if I knew I didn't have to stop missing someone first?
00:08:49.840 --> 00:08:52.639
Sometimes we just need to take that out of the equation, right?
00:08:53.279 --> 00:09:08.399
Because maybe healing isn't about getting to a place where you don't care anymore, but maybe healing is getting to a place where you can care without abandoning yourself.
00:09:12.799 --> 00:09:26.639
So take that in, reflect, journal, and all the things, and I want to thank you guys again for joining in on another Reach Your Mind series.
00:09:26.879 --> 00:09:43.919
Listen, we covered a lot this month, and if there's one thing that I want you to take from the series, is this is that healing isn't about becoming a completely different person, it's about being honest with yourself.
00:09:44.960 --> 00:09:49.039
And trust me, honesty, honesty hurts, right?
00:09:49.840 --> 00:10:05.600
Um, but be be honest about what hurts, be honest about what needs to be changed, be honest about who belongs in your life, and honest about the cat the patterns that you're carrying, and honest about what you deserve.
00:10:07.039 --> 00:10:10.480
Like we've been saying this whole month, healing isn't cute.
00:10:10.799 --> 00:10:20.480
Sometimes it's lonely, sometimes it's uncomfortable, sometimes it's messy, sometimes you gotta admit things that you don't want to.
00:10:21.519 --> 00:10:25.279
Sometimes you have to let go before you're even ready.
00:10:26.480 --> 00:10:30.639
And sometimes you have to forgive without reconciliation.
00:10:32.159 --> 00:10:47.200
Sometimes you have to apologize, sometimes you have to start over, and sometimes you have to choose yourself while part of you still wants to go back.
00:10:50.240 --> 00:10:54.639
That's the work, and you are worth the work.
00:10:56.720 --> 00:11:01.279
So, thank you guys for spending these four episodes with me again.
00:11:01.679 --> 00:11:05.519
And remember, I'm Brianna, and this is Reaching Minds Therapy.
00:11:05.679 --> 00:11:12.240
To stay connected, please follow us on IG at Reaching Minds All One Word and sign up for our email list.
00:11:12.480 --> 00:11:20.159
Click that link in our IG bio because listen, Reach in Minds, it exists to make mental health conversations more accessible.
00:11:20.320 --> 00:11:29.440
If our podcast has helped you, educated you, or made you feel less alone, you can help us continue creating these conversations by supporting the show.
00:11:29.600 --> 00:11:34.639
So click the link in the show notes and thanks in advance for your support.
00:11:35.279 --> 00:11:36.799
Until next time,
00:00:11.199 --> 00:00:20.719
Hey everybody, it's your group Brianna Williams, LAPC, and welcome back to another Reaching Minds podcast.
00:00:20.960 --> 00:00:30.559
I'm so glad to have you guys um and to talk to you with our last episode of Healing Isn't Cute.
00:00:30.960 --> 00:00:32.399
I know all man.
00:00:33.359 --> 00:00:35.119
We've been talking about a lot of stuff.
00:00:35.359 --> 00:00:37.359
We've been diving deep, reflecting.
00:00:37.520 --> 00:00:39.200
We talked about losing people.
00:00:39.359 --> 00:00:40.719
We talked about accountability.
00:00:40.880 --> 00:00:43.359
We talked about forgiveness and boundaries.
00:00:43.600 --> 00:00:48.320
And now we're going to talk about something that I think a lot of us struggle to admit.
00:00:49.039 --> 00:00:53.840
Is that you can miss someone and still choose yourself.
00:00:54.640 --> 00:00:59.280
You can know that the relationship wasn't good for you and still miss them.
00:00:59.520 --> 00:01:03.280
You can know that you made the right decision and still cry.
00:01:03.520 --> 00:01:07.200
You can know that you shouldn't go back and still want to.
00:01:08.000 --> 00:01:10.799
Sometimes that makes us question ourselves, right?
00:01:11.040 --> 00:01:15.280
It makes us say, if I miss them this much, did I make the right decision?
00:01:15.599 --> 00:01:18.879
If I still love them, am I really healing?
00:01:19.439 --> 00:01:23.280
If I want to call them, does that mean I haven't moved on?
00:01:24.719 --> 00:01:25.040
No.
00:01:26.079 --> 00:01:28.879
It means that you're human.
00:01:29.519 --> 00:01:38.159
And so today we're going to talk about what happens when your heart hasn't caught up with what your mind already knows.
00:01:38.400 --> 00:01:39.920
Let's get into it.
00:01:40.879 --> 00:01:48.000
So missing someone is not the same thing as needing someone, right?
00:01:48.319 --> 00:02:01.040
You can miss the conversations, you can miss the routine, you can miss having somebody to call, you can miss the good memories, you can even miss who you were when you were with that person, right?
00:02:01.599 --> 00:02:06.400
And none of that automatically means that the relationship needs to come back.
00:02:06.719 --> 00:02:17.919
But sometimes we're not actually missing the relationship, we're missing how familiar it was.
00:02:19.360 --> 00:02:21.840
We're missing what we knew.
00:02:22.479 --> 00:02:28.240
Because even unhealthy situations can feel comfortable when they're familiar.
00:02:28.560 --> 00:02:37.840
And sometimes our nervous system doesn't know the difference between this is good for me and this is what I'm used to.
00:02:38.719 --> 00:02:46.639
So this doesn't mean that we don't acknowledge the feeling, but we don't have to act on it.
00:02:47.759 --> 00:02:51.919
Missing someone is an emotion, not an instruction.
00:02:52.479 --> 00:02:56.879
Doesn't mean that I have to go and fulfill this purpose.
00:02:57.199 --> 00:03:01.439
And so the next time that you're missing someone or something, right?
00:03:01.599 --> 00:03:08.080
I want you to ask yourself instead of instead of asking, should I go back?
00:03:08.479 --> 00:03:11.360
Ask yourself, what am I missing?
00:03:12.960 --> 00:03:19.759
Because sometimes we're not grieving the person or the thing, but we're grieving the future that we thought we would have, right?
00:03:19.919 --> 00:03:38.960
We thought that you know we would have a family by now, or we thought that we would be this high in our career if we stayed there, or we thought that you know we would be building legacies and creating um um income and things like that.
00:03:39.120 --> 00:03:43.120
We think about all these different things that could have been.
00:03:43.280 --> 00:03:53.599
We thought that we would have uh Thanksgiving together and all these things when we um think about stepping away, right?
00:03:54.400 --> 00:04:18.399
And sometimes that hurts more because you're not saying goodbye to what happened, but what could have happened, and this is the part of healing that is tough is that when your heart has not caught up to reality, your brain can know something way before your emotions catch up, right?
00:04:18.639 --> 00:04:45.920
You can know that this isn't healthy, or this relationship isn't working, or I deserve different, or this environment is toxic, or I can't I can't keep doing this, yet your heart can still say, but I love them, or I I enjoy this community, I enjoy this job, that's family.
00:04:46.639 --> 00:04:59.360
You can say all these different things, and that's okay, because healing doesn't require your emotions to immediately agree with your decisions.
00:05:00.959 --> 00:05:07.439
Sometimes you have to make healthy decisions while your emotions are still uncomfortable with it.
00:05:09.040 --> 00:05:15.680
You don't always heal when you're ready, but you heal when you make a choice.
00:05:16.800 --> 00:05:19.680
Sometimes that choice calls for loneliness to set in.
00:05:23.519 --> 00:05:30.879
And loneliness, it will make your brain forget parts that made you say, I can't do this anymore.
00:05:33.519 --> 00:05:57.279
Because when you miss someone, you begin to think of those good moments, you begin to think of all the things that that drew you to that person or drew you to that situation or drew you to that job, or you know, you look at how comfortable it was, even as it is uncomfortable, right?
00:06:00.079 --> 00:06:10.959
But I encourage you that when you miss someone or something, I encourage you to remember the whole story.
00:06:12.720 --> 00:06:17.600
Because oftentimes we just miss the highlight reels.
00:06:19.920 --> 00:06:28.000
And truth be told, if the reels weren't enough then, what would make them enough now?
00:06:30.879 --> 00:06:34.560
So what does choosing yourself actually mean?
00:06:35.680 --> 00:06:49.920
It doesn't mean that you stop caring, it doesn't mean that you become cold, it doesn't mean that you never think about them again or that you're or or or think about that thing again or the experience, right?
00:06:50.240 --> 00:06:59.519
But it means that you're no longer willing to abandon yourself just to keep someone else or something else.
00:07:01.120 --> 00:07:12.879
Choosing yourself might mean that, okay, I'm not going to send this text, I'm not going to reopen the door, I'm going to keep my boundaries, I'm going to go to therapy.
00:07:13.040 --> 00:07:15.199
Um, I'm gonna let myself grieve.
00:07:15.279 --> 00:07:22.800
I'm gonna give myself time, I'm gonna build a life that doesn't revolve around them anymore, right?
00:07:23.519 --> 00:07:32.720
It's even learning who you are again, getting some hobbies, you know, thinking about the things that you want to do and doing them.
00:07:33.040 --> 00:07:46.319
It's finding joy again, and it's eventually realizing that I can love what that relationship meant to me without needing to return to it.
00:07:48.720 --> 00:07:50.160
And that's hard.
00:07:52.000 --> 00:07:58.000
That's like a struggle right there because sometimes that feels like betrayal.
00:08:00.560 --> 00:08:30.319
Sometimes you might even feel guilty for being happy when you decide to move forward, but moving forward does not erase what happened, it means that you're allowing your life to continue, and so what I want you to do for your homework, right?
00:08:30.879 --> 00:08:46.879
Because I love homework, I want you to really reflect in journal and say, what would choosing myself look like if I knew I didn't have to stop missing someone first?
00:08:49.840 --> 00:08:52.639
Sometimes we just need to take that out of the equation, right?
00:08:53.279 --> 00:09:08.399
Because maybe healing isn't about getting to a place where you don't care anymore, but maybe healing is getting to a place where you can care without abandoning yourself.
00:09:12.799 --> 00:09:26.639
So take that in, reflect, journal, and all the things, and I want to thank you guys again for joining in on another Reach Your Mind series.
00:09:26.879 --> 00:09:43.919
Listen, we covered a lot this month, and if there's one thing that I want you to take from the series, is this is that healing isn't about becoming a completely different person, it's about being honest with yourself.
00:09:44.960 --> 00:09:49.039
And trust me, honesty, honesty hurts, right?
00:09:49.840 --> 00:10:05.600
Um, but be be honest about what hurts, be honest about what needs to be changed, be honest about who belongs in your life, and honest about the cat the patterns that you're carrying, and honest about what you deserve.
00:10:07.039 --> 00:10:10.480
Like we've been saying this whole month, healing isn't cute.
00:10:10.799 --> 00:10:20.480
Sometimes it's lonely, sometimes it's uncomfortable, sometimes it's messy, sometimes you gotta admit things that you don't want to.
00:10:21.519 --> 00:10:25.279
Sometimes you have to let go before you're even ready.
00:10:26.480 --> 00:10:30.639
And sometimes you have to forgive without reconciliation.
00:10:32.159 --> 00:10:47.200
Sometimes you have to apologize, sometimes you have to start over, and sometimes you have to choose yourself while part of you still wants to go back.
00:10:50.240 --> 00:10:54.639
That's the work, and you are worth the work.
00:10:56.720 --> 00:11:01.279
So, thank you guys for spending these four episodes with me again.
00:11:01.679 --> 00:11:05.519
And remember, I'm Brianna, and this is Reaching Minds Therapy.
00:11:05.679 --> 00:11:12.240
To stay connected, please follow us on IG at Reaching Minds All One Word and sign up for our email list.
00:11:12.480 --> 00:11:20.159
Click that link in our IG bio because listen, Reach in Minds, it exists to make mental health conversations more accessible.
00:11:20.320 --> 00:11:29.440
If our podcast has helped you, educated you, or made you feel less alone, you can help us continue creating these conversations by supporting the show.
00:11:29.600 --> 00:11:34.639
So click the link in the show notes and thanks in advance for your support.
00:11:35.279 --> 00:11:36.799
Until next time,
