The Neuroscience of Heartbreak: Why You Feel Stuck & How to Heal

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Welcome everyone. Today on Polling
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Threads, we welcome Colin Patrick. He is
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a neuroscience junkie like myself, I
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think. Right, Colin?
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>> Indeed.
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>> And he is the author of a book coming
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out called Reprogramming Your Brain for
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Happiness: How to Escape Survival Mode
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and Train Your Mind for Peace, Purpose,
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and Growth. Colin is based in Southern
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California, one of my favorite places.
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He's the voice behind a fast growing
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community at Colin Patrick Health where
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he posts content every day on Instagram,
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Facebook, and Tik Tok and threads. So,
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we're going to get into all of this, but
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just briefly, Colin went through a very
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big life
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journey, I'll call it, after a near
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fatal motorcycle accident. And then
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during that same stretch, his marriage
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ended and he raised his young daughter.
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So, we're going to talk about grief,
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addiction, recovery, and kind of like a
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slow build of getting your life back.
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So, welcome to Pulling Threads, Colin.
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>> Thank you. Excited to be here.
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>> You are our first male guest on the
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show.
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>> I know it's a big deal. My assistant was
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like, "We have a man." And I was like,
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"Oh my god." However, I did recently,
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two months ago, I started a series for
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men. So, I guess this is really timely.
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I realized that so many people, women
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were looking for resources for their
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husbands or their boyfriends, but also
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men going through divorce started
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reaching out and saying, "Why aren't you
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making any content for us?" So, this is
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timely and good. I love getting all
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perspectives of everything going on in
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mental health, neuroscience, and I like,
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you know, your story is full of triumph
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over tragedy. And so I'm excited to hear
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how you got where you are and how you're
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helping people now. Sure.
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>> So, if you wouldn't mind just share with
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us
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>> what happened on the day of your
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accident and like where you were coming
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for from in that point in your life.
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What did life look like then?
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>> Sure. So, I would say leading up to the
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accident, life was good. You know, it
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felt mundane a bit, but you know, some
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people enjoy that part of life where
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they have a routine and a schedule and
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things are going. It was a normal day.
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This is how it always happens with
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accidents. I had gone to see a friend of
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mine. We were going out to eat on my
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return journey home. And again, this is
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how it always happens. I was about five
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or half a mile away from home. on my
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motorcycle. Of course, someone made a
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U-turn without really being super
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cautious of oncoming traffic. About
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halfway through his U-turn, he must have
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seen me or realized that he was crossing
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the WL line, panicked, stopped his car,
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and essentially took up two lanes of
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escape, if you will.
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>> Yeah.
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>> So, I was basically left with a choice.
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Either I can hit in between his driver's
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side door and his passenger door in the
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front and the back or I can go to the
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ground and hope that nothing too crazy
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happens. Well, unfortunately
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in going to the ground in an effort to
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in my mind I'm going to use my wheels to
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bounce off and not take too much impact.
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The angle that I hit his car spun me
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around and obviously because I was on a
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motorcycle I was in a seated position.
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My right leg made contact with his
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bumper and the doctors considered it a
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grade six impact trauma. So basically
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from my knee down to about midshin, the
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bone had nowhere to go except into each
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other. So it required two major
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surgeries. I spent about a month with
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metal sticking out of my leg to keep my
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leg in place. And then after that was
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removed and I had complete
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reconstruction of my right leg which
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left me bedridden for about three and a
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half months. Leading up to that
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accident, you know, I had lived a life
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that was full and enjoyable, but I
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operated really out of a place of
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frustration and anger and fear. And
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that's what my life was for a lot of my
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early 20s and then leading into my 30s
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was I would find small happy moments,
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but most of the time I was upset about
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my position in life or my financial
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situation. Yeah.
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>> And instead of really owning that and
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taking that on myself to say, you know,
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how can I be better about this? I used
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it as an opportunity to let everyone
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around me in my life know how unhappy I
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was. So, friends,
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>> you know, my ex-wife, co-workers. So, I
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was really operating out of a place of
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just frustration and anger. And I didn't
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see it. Obviously, when you're in it,
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you know, you're not really taking, you
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know, acknowledgement of behaving that
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way after this accident and being stuck
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in bed and seeing the way that it was
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affecting my daughter and my friends and
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family. That was a, you know, driving
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force behind, oh, wait, hold on. I've
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been living this way for a very long
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time and up to this point it has not
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really been that great for me.
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>> So, so in that sort of transition
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period, if you will, I really had an
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opportunity to do a deep self-discovery.
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You know, I'm in bed, nothing I can do.
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I can't get up and walk and go outside.
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So, I spent a lot of that time in my
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head thinking back on, you know, the
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last 10 years of my life. And for lack
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of a better word, accepting, hey, this
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is how I have been operating and I can't
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continue to operate this way.
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>> Yeah. Yeah. Can't get away from yourself
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when you're stuck in bed for that long.
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Right.
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>> Exactly.
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>> And people come and visit for a while,
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but then they they're like, "Okay, we
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have lives. We have to keep moving and
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keep doing stuff." I think that was the
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hardest part for me was
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>> understanding, you know, obviously the
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world doesn't revolve around me, but
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there were times where I was in bed and
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I'm like, man, I'd really like to have a
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friend or have a visitor and I'm like,
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they have jobs and they have lives that
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they need to go and do, you know?
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>> Yeah. They can't sit here for three and
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a half months while I'm recovering.
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>> I think that is really hard. And I think
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that when you're recovering from
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something, I don't know, it is natural
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to be like very self-focused
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and then you realize, wow, everyone
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else's life is going on and I've had to
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press pause. Like, but it sounds like
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you took it as an opportunity.
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>> Yeah, absolutely. I It was this moment
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of I have three and a half months in
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bed, 3 months after, you know, getting
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out of bed in rehab and things. How can
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I use this time in a way that's
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meaningful beyond, you know, learning
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how to play guitar or, you know,
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starting a new thing, like how can I
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really use this time to create the next
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10 years of my life that are meaningful
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and that will actually help propel me
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into sort of being the person that I
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always felt that I was supposed to be,
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but not really allowing myself to get
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there, you know?
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>> Yeah. Yeah. Did you have any
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understanding or acknowledgement of like
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neuroscience, mental health, any of this
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stuff before the accident?
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>> So, I have I wouldn't say struggled, but
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I have been aware of my own mental
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health and then the mental health of
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family members and friends through loss
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and addiction, sort of how that was
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affecting them.
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>> It's always been interesting to me. You
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know, I've been in therapy and some
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friends of mine are therapists, so I've
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always been in that world. And I you
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know I tell people all the time for a
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lot of my life I felt
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called to be of service to others in a
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way that
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>> I have had a lot of life experiences but
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I never
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allowed myself to step into that role. I
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always felt like why me? There's tons of
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people out there that are helping other
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people. Why me? Only after this accident
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did I really say, you know what, I have
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felt called to do this for so long and
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I'm now in a place in my life where I've
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had this incident happen and I really,
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you know, during the accident, obviously
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everything happens very quickly, but for
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you it slows down. I did have a moment
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sliding on the ground where I thought,
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"Oh my gosh, this might be it. I might
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not see my friends. I might not see my
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daughter. I might not make it through
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this. And in that moment, I thought to
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myself, why did I never step into
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something that I felt so compelled to
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do? So, after the accident,
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>> it was a moment of, okay, I'm done
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wasting time. I'm done not stepping into
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who I feel I'm supposed to be. And that
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was really what the deep dive into the
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neuroscience side of it was is let me
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understand myself, what my brain is
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doing, what my body is doing during this
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time of recovery and then through that
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be able to help others that may be in
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the same position that may feel like
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this is just what my life is. It's never
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going to get better. This is just how I
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operate. I'm too old to make changes.
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And then through that deep dive into
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neuroscience, I was like, "Wow, hold on.
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There is something here beyond my own
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life experience. There is, you know,
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things that I have learned through
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studying neuroscience and having all of
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that free time to sit there and study
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neuroscience that I think
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>> wow this could be really beneficial for
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others who
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>> may feel stuck and then just feel like
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my brain is fighting me. My brain just
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worked this way. Mh.
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>> And it was an opportunity to say,
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>> yeah, you may feel that your brain is
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fighting you, but
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>> the honest truth is it's doing what it
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was programmed to do. And it may be
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terrible right now, but it is doing
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exactly what it was designed to do,
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>> right? But there is hope, right? Like
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that's I think the missing piece for so
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many people. I hear all the time, I've
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been doing this for years. This is what
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I do. This is how I am. This is how my
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mom was. This is how my dad was. This is
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how my family is. And
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it's frustrating as a person who
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understands neuroscience, who
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understands mental health, who
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understands that you can reprogram it.
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In a way, it's like it is a choice, but
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it's a hard choice because the choice
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involves changing your brain and
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changing your pathways. And so you don't
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want to put blame on people and say you
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have a choice because it's more than
00:11:03.760 --> 00:11:05.990
mind. It's more than just mindset. Like
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mindset work is fine, but for someone
00:11:09.760 --> 00:11:11.990
who
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has what you're describing,
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>> it takes more than just mindset work.
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Unfortunately, it's very hard. You're
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right. Like those things, those
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protective mechanisms that were put in
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place very early on. I do something
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called internal family systems. You
00:11:27.760 --> 00:11:30.630
probably know what that is. Parts work.
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And our parts are the programs, right?
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The parts are the thing, the protectors.
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And man, like they are really good at
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their job. And if you're protectors,
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like have decided that their job is to
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keep you small, keep you not taking any
00:11:49.839 --> 00:11:53.269
risk, like keeping you scared. They're
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so good at their job.
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>> Absolutely. And it's it's tough to stand
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up to them. They've been a part of your
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life for so long. It's tough to say,
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>> "Yeah,
00:12:00.880 --> 00:12:01.509
>> hey,
00:12:01.519 --> 00:12:03.910
>> they make you feel safe, too." Even when
00:12:03.920 --> 00:12:06.710
they're making you feel bad about
00:12:06.720 --> 00:12:09.269
yourself, they're doing that to keep you
00:12:09.279 --> 00:12:12.550
safe. And there are other parts of you
00:12:12.560 --> 00:12:15.750
that respond to that and feel safe.
00:12:15.760 --> 00:12:20.629
>> So, it's really, really tough work. Not,
00:12:20.639 --> 00:12:22.790
you know, I love the fact that you've
00:12:22.800 --> 00:12:24.389
written a book. I'm writing a book. I'm
00:12:24.399 --> 00:12:26.470
writing two books. I think books and
00:12:26.480 --> 00:12:28.550
podcasts and all of this information is
00:12:28.560 --> 00:12:31.190
so important, but at the end of the day,
00:12:31.200 --> 00:12:33.269
like it's really, really hard work. We
00:12:33.279 --> 00:12:35.430
don't want everyone to have to go
00:12:35.440 --> 00:12:39.030
through a terrible accident to get to
00:12:39.040 --> 00:12:42.150
the point of finding a different path
00:12:42.160 --> 00:12:44.389
forward. And so that's the work you're
00:12:44.399 --> 00:12:46.550
doing, the work I'm doing. I want to
00:12:46.560 --> 00:12:49.590
talk about clarity over solutions and
00:12:49.600 --> 00:12:51.910
what that means to you. And I want to
00:12:51.920 --> 00:12:54.629
talk about like what you think I'm going
00:12:54.639 --> 00:12:57.670
to say self-help gets wrong for a lot of
00:12:57.680 --> 00:12:59.670
people who are in the situation you were
00:12:59.680 --> 00:13:00.310
in.
00:13:00.320 --> 00:13:02.949
>> Sure. So for me and I think this is a
00:13:02.959 --> 00:13:05.990
big part of the work that I'm doing now
00:13:06.000 --> 00:13:07.750
or at least like what I'm trying to
00:13:07.760 --> 00:13:12.310
provide is is you know clarity not over
00:13:12.320 --> 00:13:15.030
solution but versus I mean there are so
00:13:15.040 --> 00:13:18.949
many people online and on YouTube that
00:13:18.959 --> 00:13:22.949
are offering solution to these problems
00:13:22.959 --> 00:13:26.150
without necessarily explaining
00:13:26.160 --> 00:13:28.230
the root of them or where they come from
00:13:28.240 --> 00:13:30.629
in the body and in the brain. So, it's
00:13:30.639 --> 00:13:33.269
very easy to say to someone, just make
00:13:33.279 --> 00:13:35.509
the choice to be radically happy today.
00:13:35.519 --> 00:13:38.389
Just get up and be radically happy.
00:13:38.399 --> 00:13:42.629
Sure, that is an option for them. But if
00:13:42.639 --> 00:13:45.910
they're not understanding where that is
00:13:45.920 --> 00:13:47.990
coming from in their mind or in their
00:13:48.000 --> 00:13:50.470
body, it's really hard to shut that part
00:13:50.480 --> 00:13:52.790
down to say, "Okay, I'm just I'm happy
00:13:52.800 --> 00:13:55.910
today." you know it's I mean you can it
00:13:55.920 --> 00:13:58.310
you know but you know through longevity
00:13:58.320 --> 00:14:00.230
of it is really tough. So the reason
00:14:00.240 --> 00:14:02.629
that I started posting the content that
00:14:02.639 --> 00:14:06.710
I am posting is to give people you know
00:14:06.720 --> 00:14:09.829
clarity on hey these are the chemicals
00:14:09.839 --> 00:14:11.750
or these are the mechanisms of your
00:14:11.760 --> 00:14:14.069
brain. These are the things that you
00:14:14.079 --> 00:14:16.150
know have been built in you since you
00:14:16.160 --> 00:14:17.829
were a child and through all of your
00:14:17.839 --> 00:14:19.670
life experiences have gotten stronger
00:14:19.680 --> 00:14:23.269
and stronger. So, you know, rather than
00:14:23.279 --> 00:14:26.230
say, "These are the 10 steps that you
00:14:26.240 --> 00:14:30.150
can take to knock this off," in my mind,
00:14:30.160 --> 00:14:33.030
it felt more beneficial to say, "Hey,
00:14:33.040 --> 00:14:36.389
this is potentially the reason that this
00:14:36.399 --> 00:14:38.389
is happening to you. These are the
00:14:38.399 --> 00:14:41.430
mechanisms that your brain is using to
00:14:41.440 --> 00:14:44.389
do this for you or to you without, you
00:14:44.399 --> 00:14:45.990
know, you being aware."
00:14:46.000 --> 00:14:49.509
>> Yeah. and then putting a name to it
00:14:49.519 --> 00:14:52.389
giving some clarity on you know this is
00:14:52.399 --> 00:14:54.949
what's happening I think it has allowed
00:14:54.959 --> 00:14:57.269
people to at least in the people that
00:14:57.279 --> 00:14:59.110
I've you know worked with and spoken to
00:14:59.120 --> 00:15:05.189
say oh okay I understand now it's not
00:15:05.199 --> 00:15:09.509
I'm just depressed or I'm just anxious
00:15:09.519 --> 00:15:13.350
there's a backend to this that is
00:15:13.360 --> 00:15:15.670
>> at sometimes beyond your control it's
00:15:15.680 --> 00:15:17.110
working in the background in your
00:15:17.120 --> 00:15:19.590
subconscious and it like I said before
00:15:19.600 --> 00:15:21.509
it has been ingrained in you through all
00:15:21.519 --> 00:15:24.629
of these life experiences then
00:15:24.639 --> 00:15:27.750
>> once you have gained the clarity and
00:15:27.760 --> 00:15:30.389
you're able to name where it's coming
00:15:30.399 --> 00:15:33.269
from then you can step in and have a
00:15:33.279 --> 00:15:35.590
better chance I guess in my opinion of
00:15:35.600 --> 00:15:37.829
finding that solution cuz you know
00:15:37.839 --> 00:15:39.590
there's tons of mental health and
00:15:39.600 --> 00:15:42.470
mindset coaches that are pushing you
00:15:42.480 --> 00:15:44.230
know solution which is great I mean I
00:15:44.240 --> 00:15:46.870
think there are a lot of people who may
00:15:46.880 --> 00:15:48.629
be able to take that and internalize it
00:15:48.639 --> 00:15:51.189
and do the work with those solutions.
00:15:51.199 --> 00:15:53.189
But I think there is another group of
00:15:53.199 --> 00:15:55.670
people who need a better understanding
00:15:55.680 --> 00:15:58.870
of themselves and how these things are
00:15:58.880 --> 00:16:01.430
happening so they're able to say, "Oh,
00:16:01.440 --> 00:16:03.269
okay. Now I get it.
00:16:03.279 --> 00:16:03.590
>> Yeah.
00:16:03.600 --> 00:16:04.790
>> Now I can take the step."
00:16:04.800 --> 00:16:08.310
>> Yep. Yeah. I mean, in an ideal world as
00:16:08.320 --> 00:16:12.629
a therapist and a coach, my role is
00:16:12.639 --> 00:16:15.189
first to educate. So, psycho education,
00:16:15.199 --> 00:16:18.550
neuroscience education, this is why
00:16:18.560 --> 00:16:21.030
you're feeling what you're feeling or
00:16:21.040 --> 00:16:23.509
this is why, you know, if you have a
00:16:23.519 --> 00:16:25.990
trauma bond, it's actually a chemical
00:16:26.000 --> 00:16:28.870
issue. It's like an addiction. You know,
00:16:28.880 --> 00:16:31.430
I know that I had something like a
00:16:31.440 --> 00:16:34.629
trauma bond. And when the therapist said
00:16:34.639 --> 00:16:37.749
it and she said the word craving, I was
00:16:37.759 --> 00:16:38.870
like,
00:16:38.880 --> 00:16:41.509
>> "Yeah, like, okay, that's what it was
00:16:41.519 --> 00:16:43.990
and she's like, "Okay, it's a craving.
00:16:44.000 --> 00:16:46.790
It's as strong as heroin." Like, so
00:16:46.800 --> 00:16:48.629
don't sh stop shaming yourself,
00:16:48.639 --> 00:16:49.430
>> right?
00:16:49.440 --> 00:16:52.550
>> For falling into the trap of going back
00:16:52.560 --> 00:16:55.110
or being unsure if you made the right
00:16:55.120 --> 00:16:57.829
decision in this relationship. Like
00:16:57.839 --> 00:16:59.749
>> this is something you have to overcome.
00:16:59.759 --> 00:17:01.910
Like someone would need to overcome an
00:17:01.920 --> 00:17:05.189
addiction because it is chemically the
00:17:05.199 --> 00:17:08.789
same thing. For me, that conversation
00:17:08.799 --> 00:17:11.510
happened many years ago. But when it
00:17:11.520 --> 00:17:14.390
happened, because I've always been a
00:17:14.400 --> 00:17:17.590
neuroscience junkie, I was like, "Oh."
00:17:17.600 --> 00:17:19.669
And the next time the craving came, I
00:17:19.679 --> 00:17:21.350
was like, "Oh, I'm not actually craving
00:17:21.360 --> 00:17:23.590
him. I don't actually want him. It's
00:17:23.600 --> 00:17:27.029
just the cycle that has happened." And
00:17:27.039 --> 00:17:29.190
now I just need to break the cycle.
00:17:29.200 --> 00:17:31.830
>> And it was just that easy for me once I
00:17:31.840 --> 00:17:32.870
understood it.
00:17:32.880 --> 00:17:34.710
>> So awareness is everything. Yeah.
00:17:34.720 --> 00:17:37.750
>> And that is true for so many aspects of
00:17:37.760 --> 00:17:39.830
mental health. But you're right, like
00:17:39.840 --> 00:17:44.150
not everyone is out there educating. And
00:17:44.160 --> 00:17:45.990
then there's another piece of like where
00:17:46.000 --> 00:17:47.990
did it come from, which as a therapist
00:17:48.000 --> 00:17:51.590
we do a lot of that work. Okay. So
00:17:51.600 --> 00:17:54.470
you have the the trauma bond, this
00:17:54.480 --> 00:17:56.470
person, but what really early
00:17:56.480 --> 00:17:59.029
relationships and attachment issues and
00:17:59.039 --> 00:18:02.230
other young parts are contributing to
00:18:02.240 --> 00:18:03.990
why you're looking for this relationship
00:18:04.000 --> 00:18:04.950
because I don't want you to be in
00:18:04.960 --> 00:18:06.870
another one just like it. So there are a
00:18:06.880 --> 00:18:10.070
lot of layers, but awareness in my
00:18:10.080 --> 00:18:13.990
opinion is probably the most important
00:18:14.000 --> 00:18:15.190
first step
00:18:15.200 --> 00:18:16.549
>> to getting people
00:18:16.559 --> 00:18:17.190
>> Yeah.
00:18:17.200 --> 00:18:18.549
>> Yeah. Yeah.
00:18:18.559 --> 00:18:19.510
>> It was interesting.
00:18:19.520 --> 00:18:21.270
>> So go ahead.
00:18:21.280 --> 00:18:24.070
>> Through doing this
00:18:24.080 --> 00:18:26.630
study and deep dive into these things,
00:18:26.640 --> 00:18:29.990
it actually gave me incredible insight.
00:18:30.000 --> 00:18:31.350
You know, I have been through therapy
00:18:31.360 --> 00:18:32.950
and I have and you know, have worked
00:18:32.960 --> 00:18:34.950
with therapists, but doing this had
00:18:34.960 --> 00:18:38.390
given me insight into my own like why I
00:18:38.400 --> 00:18:40.070
was searching certain relationships, why
00:18:40.080 --> 00:18:42.710
I felt certain way about certain people.
00:18:42.720 --> 00:18:44.630
And reaching that understanding, I
00:18:44.640 --> 00:18:47.190
started to feel like, oh my gosh, this
00:18:47.200 --> 00:18:50.470
is like groundbreaking for myself. And I
00:18:50.480 --> 00:18:52.150
think that's like what propelled. I'm
00:18:52.160 --> 00:18:53.750
like, I need to help other people have
00:18:53.760 --> 00:18:55.029
these groundbreaking moments,
00:18:55.039 --> 00:18:56.710
>> right? Everyone should know this, right?
00:18:56.720 --> 00:18:57.270
Exactly.
00:18:57.280 --> 00:19:01.029
>> Yes. Yes. I still feel that way. I have
00:19:01.039 --> 00:19:03.110
so I have a a guest episode a Tuesday on
00:19:03.120 --> 00:19:05.110
the podcast, but my Thursday episodes
00:19:05.120 --> 00:19:07.830
are typically like inspired by something
00:19:07.840 --> 00:19:11.029
I am going through. And so
00:19:11.039 --> 00:19:13.909
I have my own therapist. I'm like you. I
00:19:13.919 --> 00:19:15.750
like to go looking for the answer. So I
00:19:15.760 --> 00:19:18.549
like doing deep I love doing a deep dive
00:19:18.559 --> 00:19:21.669
and whatever I'm going through. I've
00:19:21.679 --> 00:19:23.190
been doing a lot of work on abundance
00:19:23.200 --> 00:19:25.669
for myself lately and block money blocks
00:19:25.679 --> 00:19:28.310
and things. And when I find something
00:19:28.320 --> 00:19:31.190
and I'm like, "Oh my gosh,
00:19:31.200 --> 00:19:32.630
>> yes, this is it, right?"
00:19:32.640 --> 00:19:34.470
>> I'm gonna turn on the camera and I'm
00:19:34.480 --> 00:19:36.150
gonna do an episode about it and share
00:19:36.160 --> 00:19:38.470
it because I'm I want to Oh my god, this
00:19:38.480 --> 00:19:40.070
is probably affecting lots of people,
00:19:40.080 --> 00:19:40.549
>> right?
00:19:40.559 --> 00:19:42.630
>> So, I love that. I think
00:19:42.640 --> 00:19:45.110
>> I think like the curiosity,
00:19:45.120 --> 00:19:46.710
>> it's not just the curiosity, it's the
00:19:46.720 --> 00:19:50.549
curiosity and the desire to inform, the
00:19:50.559 --> 00:19:53.669
desire to with others. And we can
00:19:53.679 --> 00:19:55.830
improve our own lives. But wow, I I
00:19:55.840 --> 00:19:58.390
remember if I could help thousands of
00:19:58.400 --> 00:19:59.110
other people.
00:19:59.120 --> 00:19:59.830
>> Absolutely.
00:19:59.840 --> 00:20:01.190
>> So
00:20:01.200 --> 00:20:05.350
>> that's great. So with you, you
00:20:05.360 --> 00:20:08.470
also went through a relationship break
00:20:08.480 --> 00:20:10.950
around this same time. And so I'm sure
00:20:10.960 --> 00:20:13.430
you've done a lot of work around the
00:20:13.440 --> 00:20:16.870
neuroscience of heartbreak. And I think
00:20:16.880 --> 00:20:19.190
for me personally, I'm very embodied
00:20:19.200 --> 00:20:21.110
now. I wasn't before. I do a lot of
00:20:21.120 --> 00:20:22.870
meditation and a lot of mindfulness
00:20:22.880 --> 00:20:26.150
work. So, I've come to be really hyper
00:20:26.160 --> 00:20:29.430
aware of when something's happening that
00:20:29.440 --> 00:20:31.590
feels emotionally triggering because I
00:20:31.600 --> 00:20:35.110
feel it in my body first. And it's
00:20:35.120 --> 00:20:39.350
funny, I never realized heartbreak was
00:20:39.360 --> 00:20:41.350
called heartbreak because it really does
00:20:41.360 --> 00:20:42.390
hurt in your chest.
00:20:42.400 --> 00:20:43.110
>> Yeah.
00:20:43.120 --> 00:20:45.909
>> Because I was not in my body until much
00:20:45.919 --> 00:20:48.470
later in life when I got my nervous
00:20:48.480 --> 00:20:52.310
system under control. So, why does it
00:20:52.320 --> 00:20:57.110
physically hurt? And why does the brain
00:20:57.120 --> 00:21:00.310
prefer like a familiar pain
00:21:00.320 --> 00:21:02.390
over what we're going to call like an
00:21:02.400 --> 00:21:06.789
unknown piece? Because we know for
00:21:06.799 --> 00:21:10.310
ourselves and others like we typically
00:21:10.320 --> 00:21:12.710
repeat the same relationship over and
00:21:12.720 --> 00:21:15.990
over again until we do the work.
00:21:16.000 --> 00:21:19.029
>> Yeah. So, you know, in my deep diving in
00:21:19.039 --> 00:21:20.870
my studies, and this was truly
00:21:20.880 --> 00:21:22.390
mind-blowing to me. This was something
00:21:22.400 --> 00:21:24.070
that I was unaware of obviously until I
00:21:24.080 --> 00:21:26.789
started doing this work, is the regions
00:21:26.799 --> 00:21:30.710
of your brain that light up or that you
00:21:30.720 --> 00:21:33.750
know receive these signals when you go
00:21:33.760 --> 00:21:36.310
through heartbreak. It's the same region
00:21:36.320 --> 00:21:38.789
of the brain that is triggered when you
00:21:38.799 --> 00:21:41.830
break a bone or have something actually
00:21:41.840 --> 00:21:44.310
physically painful. So when people are
00:21:44.320 --> 00:21:48.230
saying, "My chest hurts. I can feel it
00:21:48.240 --> 00:21:50.789
in my body going through this breakup."
00:21:50.799 --> 00:21:53.190
It's, "Yeah, you definitely can because
00:21:53.200 --> 00:21:55.430
your brain doesn't have the ability to
00:21:55.440 --> 00:21:58.230
differentiate. This is an emotional
00:21:58.240 --> 00:22:00.710
problem versus a physical problem. It
00:22:00.720 --> 00:22:03.110
feels it the same way that it would a
00:22:03.120 --> 00:22:05.669
broken bone, which is really like the
00:22:05.679 --> 00:22:08.310
basis for a lot of the work that I help
00:22:08.320 --> 00:22:10.470
people with is letting them know like
00:22:10.480 --> 00:22:12.230
you're going to heal this the same way
00:22:12.240 --> 00:22:14.390
that we would heal a broken bone. It's
00:22:14.400 --> 00:22:17.830
going to take time to sit and let your
00:22:17.840 --> 00:22:20.549
body heal this the way that it would
00:22:20.559 --> 00:22:24.230
heal an actual physical wound. Now, does
00:22:24.240 --> 00:22:26.070
everyone want to hear that? No. Because
00:22:26.080 --> 00:22:28.549
no one wants to sit and be in pain. But
00:22:28.559 --> 00:22:30.630
it's the truth. And it it sounds like a
00:22:30.640 --> 00:22:32.630
cliche, but at the end of the day, it's
00:22:32.640 --> 00:22:34.870
the reality of how your body, your
00:22:34.880 --> 00:22:36.789
nervous system, your mind is going to
00:22:36.799 --> 00:22:38.549
heal and process through this
00:22:38.559 --> 00:22:42.310
heartbreak. Your brain is feeling it or
00:22:42.320 --> 00:22:45.029
is responding to it like you just broke
00:22:45.039 --> 00:22:47.510
a bone. And like you said, they call it
00:22:47.520 --> 00:22:49.750
heartbreak for a reason. It feels like
00:22:49.760 --> 00:22:52.149
something is broken inside of you when
00:22:52.159 --> 00:22:56.149
you go through it. Um, when I found that
00:22:56.159 --> 00:22:58.950
through my research, it really opened my
00:22:58.960 --> 00:23:01.669
eyes to, oh my gosh, I can't believe,
00:23:01.679 --> 00:23:03.669
and obviously your brain is incredibly
00:23:03.679 --> 00:23:07.190
powerful, but knowing that if I was to
00:23:07.200 --> 00:23:09.909
break my arm or if I was to go through
00:23:09.919 --> 00:23:12.470
heartbreak, that part of my brain is
00:23:12.480 --> 00:23:15.430
doing the same exact thing. There's
00:23:15.440 --> 00:23:17.270
really no difference between how it's
00:23:17.280 --> 00:23:18.950
receiving that signal.
00:23:18.960 --> 00:23:22.230
>> Yeah. which for a lot of people because
00:23:22.240 --> 00:23:24.470
I see on threads and Instagram sometimes
00:23:24.480 --> 00:23:27.909
of people being like, "Why does my chest
00:23:27.919 --> 00:23:30.789
hurt? Why is it tight? I feel like I
00:23:30.799 --> 00:23:33.750
can't breathe. Everything hurts." It's
00:23:33.760 --> 00:23:35.350
because your brain is telling you
00:23:35.360 --> 00:23:37.750
something is broken. That's, you know,
00:23:37.760 --> 00:23:40.470
that's the reality of the situation. And
00:23:40.480 --> 00:23:42.310
like I said, it's unfortunate because
00:23:42.320 --> 00:23:44.789
everyone wants the secret sauce to how
00:23:44.799 --> 00:23:47.110
do I just get over this? How do I heal
00:23:47.120 --> 00:23:49.750
from this? And I always say, you're
00:23:49.760 --> 00:23:51.350
going to heal from this the same way you
00:23:51.360 --> 00:23:53.909
would a broken bone. Now, obviously, you
00:23:53.919 --> 00:23:56.070
can't put a cast on your heart. You
00:23:56.080 --> 00:23:58.710
can't wrap it up and have it be reset.
00:23:58.720 --> 00:24:00.470
But the time that it takes to heal
00:24:00.480 --> 00:24:02.549
something broken in you is the time that
00:24:02.559 --> 00:24:04.630
it takes to heal your broken heart
00:24:04.640 --> 00:24:05.990
>> on your side.
00:24:06.000 --> 00:24:07.830
>> I don't see anything here.
00:24:07.840 --> 00:24:10.710
>> Sorry. Oh, I am so sorry. I was getting
00:24:10.720 --> 00:24:13.750
a call inside of
00:24:13.760 --> 00:24:14.470
Sorry. It's
00:24:14.480 --> 00:24:17.110
>> okay. Google inside of my Let me close
00:24:17.120 --> 00:24:19.430
that account. I don't know why my Gmail
00:24:19.440 --> 00:24:23.510
account got a phone call. That's weird.
00:24:23.520 --> 00:24:25.350
It's never happened to me before. I'm
00:24:25.360 --> 00:24:27.669
going to close it. Sorry. I think it
00:24:27.679 --> 00:24:29.830
started right before you said that, so I
00:24:29.840 --> 00:24:31.909
can cut that part out. Sorry about that.
00:24:31.919 --> 00:24:34.549
>> I think most people don't realize those
00:24:34.559 --> 00:24:37.190
things. And
00:24:37.200 --> 00:24:40.630
I also think that we live in a state of
00:24:40.640 --> 00:24:43.029
certain body sensations all the time
00:24:43.039 --> 00:24:45.510
when we haven't done any work and we
00:24:45.520 --> 00:24:48.390
haven't processed and we're just used to
00:24:48.400 --> 00:24:53.269
it. I'm sure my chest had tightness and
00:24:53.279 --> 00:24:56.549
pain before and I had a lot of
00:24:56.559 --> 00:24:59.590
migraines. I always had jaw tension. My
00:24:59.600 --> 00:25:01.510
scapula was always hurting. had all of
00:25:01.520 --> 00:25:04.149
these aches and pains
00:25:04.159 --> 00:25:06.950
a long time, like my whole adult life,
00:25:06.960 --> 00:25:08.710
and they just came and went, and I
00:25:08.720 --> 00:25:10.870
thought it was just part of how my body
00:25:10.880 --> 00:25:13.909
worked. But in reality, when I started
00:25:13.919 --> 00:25:18.470
doing therapy and meditation and all of
00:25:18.480 --> 00:25:21.430
the other things that I do to help my
00:25:21.440 --> 00:25:23.990
nervous system stay regulated, a lot of
00:25:24.000 --> 00:25:25.909
those things went away. Almost all of
00:25:25.919 --> 00:25:28.549
them. in even an autoimmune disease has
00:25:28.559 --> 00:25:31.590
been in remission for years because of
00:25:31.600 --> 00:25:36.789
>> work. So I think that probably I was
00:25:36.799 --> 00:25:40.470
having all of these symptoms of
00:25:40.480 --> 00:25:42.630
different emotional responses before,
00:25:42.640 --> 00:25:45.350
but I was in what we call survival mode.
00:25:45.360 --> 00:25:47.669
So my body was in a constant state of
00:25:47.679 --> 00:25:50.789
being on fire. And then once it calmed
00:25:50.799 --> 00:25:53.669
down, now I'm at a point where if
00:25:53.679 --> 00:25:55.909
something happens and I get chest pain,
00:25:55.919 --> 00:25:58.710
I'm immediately like,
00:25:58.720 --> 00:26:00.549
what's my body afraid of right now?
00:26:00.559 --> 00:26:02.870
What's going on? What am I feeling?
00:26:02.880 --> 00:26:06.630
Something feels off before I even feel
00:26:06.640 --> 00:26:08.149
whatever it is I'm about to feel,
00:26:08.159 --> 00:26:09.430
>> right?
00:26:09.440 --> 00:26:11.590
>> I think it's very hard for people who
00:26:11.600 --> 00:26:14.310
aren't in the place I'm in now to
00:26:14.320 --> 00:26:16.470
understand what I'm saying because they
00:26:16.480 --> 00:26:19.909
haven't experienced it. But I do know
00:26:19.919 --> 00:26:23.830
like I was in a fog before.
00:26:23.840 --> 00:26:25.830
So all those things were happen but I
00:26:25.840 --> 00:26:28.390
was almost like numbed by
00:26:28.400 --> 00:26:30.870
>> the intensity of everything.
00:26:30.880 --> 00:26:35.029
>> So when we talk about the brain kind of
00:26:35.039 --> 00:26:38.549
preferring familiar pain versus unknown
00:26:38.559 --> 00:26:42.149
peace, I had to get used to
00:26:42.159 --> 00:26:44.310
not being on fire all the time. Talk
00:26:44.320 --> 00:26:45.909
about like how that shows up in
00:26:45.919 --> 00:26:47.990
relationships. If you're used to being
00:26:48.000 --> 00:26:49.990
in what we'll call an unhealthy
00:26:50.000 --> 00:26:51.750
situation or an unhealthy relationship
00:26:51.760 --> 00:26:54.470
and you go out looking for new a new
00:26:54.480 --> 00:26:57.029
healthy relationship, our brain does
00:26:57.039 --> 00:27:00.070
some tricky things to keep pointing us
00:27:00.080 --> 00:27:02.070
back towards what we're used to,
00:27:02.080 --> 00:27:04.870
>> right? I think I hate to say it's
00:27:04.880 --> 00:27:06.549
interesting, but I think it really is
00:27:06.559 --> 00:27:09.029
interesting how and this sort of goes
00:27:09.039 --> 00:27:11.269
back to our own survival instincts just
00:27:11.279 --> 00:27:13.590
as human beings is doing something
00:27:13.600 --> 00:27:16.630
that's unfamiliar or something that your
00:27:16.640 --> 00:27:18.549
nervous system and your body are not
00:27:18.559 --> 00:27:21.430
used to is a risk and at the end of the
00:27:21.440 --> 00:27:23.350
day your brain is running that threat
00:27:23.360 --> 00:27:26.149
detection constantly. So something that
00:27:26.159 --> 00:27:28.390
doesn't feel familiar or doesn't feel
00:27:28.400 --> 00:27:30.870
like something that you are able to
00:27:30.880 --> 00:27:33.750
handle or have handled in the past, your
00:27:33.760 --> 00:27:36.230
brain is going to try to have you avoid
00:27:36.240 --> 00:27:39.590
it. So when it comes to toxic
00:27:39.600 --> 00:27:42.470
relationships or these pushpull dynamics
00:27:42.480 --> 00:27:45.110
in relationships, your brain has grown
00:27:45.120 --> 00:27:48.870
accustomed to that sort of reward system
00:27:48.880 --> 00:27:49.990
of
00:27:50.000 --> 00:27:53.110
>> things are really bad. Oh my gosh, we
00:27:53.120 --> 00:27:55.590
fixed it. we're back to normal. Things
00:27:55.600 --> 00:27:57.909
are really bad. Oh my gosh, we fixed it
00:27:57.919 --> 00:28:00.070
again. There's that sort of like
00:28:00.080 --> 00:28:02.789
intermittent gratification or reward
00:28:02.799 --> 00:28:05.909
system that happens where that sort of
00:28:05.919 --> 00:28:08.070
becomes your norm and that's what your
00:28:08.080 --> 00:28:11.029
brain starts to look for or how it wants
00:28:11.039 --> 00:28:13.830
to operate in these relationships.
00:28:13.840 --> 00:28:16.149
That's why a lot of times in what I've
00:28:16.159 --> 00:28:19.190
seen when people finally do find
00:28:19.200 --> 00:28:21.510
themselves in a healthy relationship,
00:28:21.520 --> 00:28:24.149
there's almost a self- sabotage that
00:28:24.159 --> 00:28:27.669
happens because it feels so unnatural to
00:28:27.679 --> 00:28:30.549
someone who has grown accustomed to push
00:28:30.559 --> 00:28:34.070
pull or a certain level of excitement. I
00:28:34.080 --> 00:28:36.389
hate to use that word, but in the
00:28:36.399 --> 00:28:39.430
relationship of tensions are really high
00:28:39.440 --> 00:28:41.430
and now we've found common ground.
00:28:41.440 --> 00:28:43.590
tensions are really high. Now we found
00:28:43.600 --> 00:28:46.389
common ground again. Your body starts,
00:28:46.399 --> 00:28:47.750
for lack of a better word, is what we
00:28:47.760 --> 00:28:50.149
were saying earlier, become addicted not
00:28:50.159 --> 00:28:52.870
to the fight, but to the relief
00:28:52.880 --> 00:28:54.630
>> after the fight.
00:28:54.640 --> 00:28:56.870
>> Yes. I think that's what people get
00:28:56.880 --> 00:28:58.870
confused about. That's a really good
00:28:58.880 --> 00:29:01.190
point. You're not craving the argument
00:29:01.200 --> 00:29:04.070
or the meanness or the fight, whatever.
00:29:04.080 --> 00:29:05.990
You're craving the dopamine hit you get
00:29:06.000 --> 00:29:07.750
when everything is better.
00:29:07.760 --> 00:29:09.990
>> That's exactly it. And I think that's
00:29:10.000 --> 00:29:11.669
probably why a lot of people find
00:29:11.679 --> 00:29:13.590
themselves repeating these patterns in
00:29:13.600 --> 00:29:15.830
relationships is again to the point that
00:29:15.840 --> 00:29:17.750
we were making earlier, there's almost a
00:29:17.760 --> 00:29:21.190
craving for that relief. So when you're
00:29:21.200 --> 00:29:22.789
in a relationship that is not
00:29:22.799 --> 00:29:25.350
necessarily providing those highs and
00:29:25.360 --> 00:29:28.549
lows and you know the spike in cortisol
00:29:28.559 --> 00:29:30.230
versus the dopamine that comes with the
00:29:30.240 --> 00:29:34.149
relief of okay, it's over. you're not
00:29:34.159 --> 00:29:37.510
really understanding how do I operate in
00:29:37.520 --> 00:29:40.310
this place? I'm not receiving the highs
00:29:40.320 --> 00:29:42.310
and lows that I'm used to or that I'm
00:29:42.320 --> 00:29:45.510
wanting. And typically, people will find
00:29:45.520 --> 00:29:49.830
themselves feeling like, is this boring?
00:29:49.840 --> 00:29:51.990
Is this relationship not what I'm
00:29:52.000 --> 00:29:52.630
looking for?
00:29:52.640 --> 00:29:53.430
>> It's boring.
00:29:53.440 --> 00:29:55.110
>> Right. But really, what it is,
00:29:55.120 --> 00:29:57.269
>> it's not exciting. There's no thrill.
00:29:57.279 --> 00:29:58.310
>> Right. Exactly.
00:29:58.320 --> 00:29:59.590
>> There's no chemistry.
00:29:59.600 --> 00:30:01.430
>> Right. I think that's the really tricky
00:30:01.440 --> 00:30:05.029
part is people equating those highs and
00:30:05.039 --> 00:30:09.190
lows to chemistry. Wow, we're really in
00:30:09.200 --> 00:30:11.590
love. We fight so passionately for each
00:30:11.600 --> 00:30:14.470
other and we always find a way to make
00:30:14.480 --> 00:30:15.750
up for it.
00:30:15.760 --> 00:30:19.269
>> Is that chemistry or is that
00:30:19.279 --> 00:30:21.909
unfortunately a really toxic behavior
00:30:21.919 --> 00:30:23.750
that you have found yourself slipping
00:30:23.760 --> 00:30:26.950
into because it feels passion driven or
00:30:26.960 --> 00:30:29.669
it feels like there's our connection. We
00:30:29.679 --> 00:30:31.750
care about each other so much. We're
00:30:31.760 --> 00:30:34.149
always able to make it better.
00:30:34.159 --> 00:30:35.590
>> Another thing that I think is worth
00:30:35.600 --> 00:30:38.470
noting is that in the beginning of
00:30:38.480 --> 00:30:40.149
relationships where there are a lot of
00:30:40.159 --> 00:30:44.389
highs and really bad lows over time,
00:30:44.399 --> 00:30:45.830
the highs don't even have to be that
00:30:45.840 --> 00:30:50.149
high to give you the dopamine. So
00:30:50.159 --> 00:30:52.310
meaning when you're with someone maybe
00:30:52.320 --> 00:30:54.789
who does a lot of love bombing. So they
00:30:54.799 --> 00:30:57.430
do something that they shouldn't do or
00:30:57.440 --> 00:30:59.510
something that hurts you and that's the
00:30:59.520 --> 00:31:01.990
low and then they come back in the
00:31:02.000 --> 00:31:05.430
beginning with roses or a trip or
00:31:05.440 --> 00:31:07.669
grandiose statements and they're so
00:31:07.679 --> 00:31:09.909
loving and kind and that gives you the
00:31:09.919 --> 00:31:12.389
hit. It's relief. to relief because you
00:31:12.399 --> 00:31:15.430
were afraid of if you are anxious or
00:31:15.440 --> 00:31:16.470
anything like that, then you're afraid
00:31:16.480 --> 00:31:18.549
they're going to abandon you. And in the
00:31:18.559 --> 00:31:21.269
beginning, the high is high.
00:31:21.279 --> 00:31:25.430
But over time, anything where they're
00:31:25.440 --> 00:31:27.510
just nice to you, they're just normal
00:31:27.520 --> 00:31:29.110
gives you the dopamine hit because now
00:31:29.120 --> 00:31:31.190
you've been trained. Anything that's not
00:31:31.200 --> 00:31:34.549
mean, if you're using like a mean knife,
00:31:34.559 --> 00:31:36.149
anything that's not mean
00:31:36.159 --> 00:31:40.389
>> will give you that chemical hit. It
00:31:40.399 --> 00:31:42.230
doesn't even have to be anything
00:31:42.240 --> 00:31:44.950
extravagant or really anything at all,
00:31:44.960 --> 00:31:47.190
just not mean.
00:31:47.200 --> 00:31:51.990
>> And so over time, it really can become
00:31:52.000 --> 00:31:56.389
like these super low lows with abuse or
00:31:56.399 --> 00:31:59.350
toxic behavior, infidelity, all these
00:31:59.360 --> 00:32:01.830
things that could be happening. And in
00:32:01.840 --> 00:32:05.350
response, there's just them not being
00:32:05.360 --> 00:32:08.149
mean or not doing one of those things is
00:32:08.159 --> 00:32:11.029
enough to give you a dopamine hit, which
00:32:11.039 --> 00:32:13.029
causes a lot of these relationships to
00:32:13.039 --> 00:32:16.310
go on so long because now you're
00:32:16.320 --> 00:32:17.430
addicted to it.
00:32:17.440 --> 00:32:20.149
>> Yeah. So, what does it look like?
00:32:20.159 --> 00:32:21.190
>> Oh, go ahead. Sorry.
00:32:21.200 --> 00:32:23.350
>> Sorry. I was just going to say I think
00:32:23.360 --> 00:32:26.310
that you using the word trained is so
00:32:26.320 --> 00:32:28.789
powerful because that's the reality of
00:32:28.799 --> 00:32:31.269
the situation. You are essentially being
00:32:31.279 --> 00:32:34.070
trained to
00:32:34.080 --> 00:32:36.230
>> expect the lows. So when you don't have
00:32:36.240 --> 00:32:39.509
them, it's ah this is great that this
00:32:39.519 --> 00:32:41.590
there's no low right now, you know?
00:32:41.600 --> 00:32:46.070
>> Yeah. Yeah. And in reality, you deserve
00:32:46.080 --> 00:32:47.509
so much better.
00:32:47.519 --> 00:32:50.310
>> Like Yeah. And but that's not something
00:32:50.320 --> 00:32:52.230
you're even striving for at this point.
00:32:52.240 --> 00:32:56.149
When people start doing the work and
00:32:56.159 --> 00:32:58.470
these old versions of yourself no longer
00:32:58.480 --> 00:33:01.830
fit into the relationship or even your
00:33:01.840 --> 00:33:04.870
body or your plan in life, where does
00:33:04.880 --> 00:33:07.750
the new version come from and how does
00:33:07.760 --> 00:33:11.590
it keep going when it's used to all this
00:33:11.600 --> 00:33:12.950
other stuff?
00:33:12.960 --> 00:33:18.389
>> Yeah, I think for me that new version
00:33:18.399 --> 00:33:21.590
was always in waiting. That's how I
00:33:21.600 --> 00:33:24.070
people that I'm working with is that
00:33:24.080 --> 00:33:26.950
person was always there waiting to come
00:33:26.960 --> 00:33:29.269
out of you. And it's those moments where
00:33:29.279 --> 00:33:31.990
you you're sitting alone and you're
00:33:32.000 --> 00:33:34.310
thinking to yourself, I know that there
00:33:34.320 --> 00:33:36.950
is better out there. I know that I can
00:33:36.960 --> 00:33:40.070
be better. I know that I can do more.
00:33:40.080 --> 00:33:43.430
That's that new you trying to break
00:33:43.440 --> 00:33:47.190
through and say, "Yes, you can be more.
00:33:47.200 --> 00:33:49.590
You can do better. You can grow. You can
00:33:49.600 --> 00:33:53.110
learn." I think it comes and again this
00:33:53.120 --> 00:33:55.350
is something that happens is you you
00:33:55.360 --> 00:33:58.870
have to mourn the loss of the person
00:33:58.880 --> 00:34:00.789
that you were because you've maybe grown
00:34:00.799 --> 00:34:03.190
up with this person and you've gotten
00:34:03.200 --> 00:34:05.430
used to the way that you operate, your
00:34:05.440 --> 00:34:07.509
behaviors, your hobbies, the things that
00:34:07.519 --> 00:34:10.230
maybe keep you stuck. You become so
00:34:10.240 --> 00:34:13.589
comfortable with that that stepping into
00:34:13.599 --> 00:34:15.750
this new reality or stepping into this
00:34:15.760 --> 00:34:19.510
new person feels so scary because you
00:34:19.520 --> 00:34:22.950
start to say to yourself, can I not do
00:34:22.960 --> 00:34:25.510
this thing? Can I not talk to this
00:34:25.520 --> 00:34:28.149
person or can I not behave this way?
00:34:28.159 --> 00:34:30.790
Because you know talking about the
00:34:30.800 --> 00:34:34.149
unfamiliar versus the familiar you've
00:34:34.159 --> 00:34:37.430
become so used to it that doing anything
00:34:37.440 --> 00:34:39.990
beyond that almost feels like an
00:34:40.000 --> 00:34:43.750
insurmountable task and I think that's a
00:34:43.760 --> 00:34:45.349
big struggle at least something that I
00:34:45.359 --> 00:34:50.230
faced is in my recognition of I can no
00:34:50.240 --> 00:34:53.669
longer be this person something has to
00:34:53.679 --> 00:34:56.629
change you start to almost feel okay
00:34:56.639 --> 00:34:59.670
here's the hundred steps that I need to
00:34:59.680 --> 00:35:02.310
take to get to this new person and it
00:35:02.320 --> 00:35:03.990
becomes overwhelming and you start to
00:35:04.000 --> 00:35:05.829
feel like there's no way I can do all of
00:35:05.839 --> 00:35:08.230
these things to be this new person. When
00:35:08.240 --> 00:35:11.109
you break it down, you start to
00:35:11.119 --> 00:35:14.150
understand you can and this is something
00:35:14.160 --> 00:35:16.710
big that I work on is you can take very
00:35:16.720 --> 00:35:21.030
small wins every day and have them lead
00:35:21.040 --> 00:35:23.829
you to this finish line, if you will,
00:35:23.839 --> 00:35:25.109
even though there's no real finish line,
00:35:25.119 --> 00:35:25.829
but
00:35:25.839 --> 00:35:28.069
>> the end It's never finished.
00:35:28.079 --> 00:35:30.390
>> Yeah. The end sort of goal of where
00:35:30.400 --> 00:35:33.510
you're hoping to get. For me, it again,
00:35:33.520 --> 00:35:37.109
I think it always lived somewhere in me.
00:35:37.119 --> 00:35:42.790
And there was such a block put up by
00:35:42.800 --> 00:35:47.030
imposttor syndrome or fear of really
00:35:47.040 --> 00:35:50.550
being perceived for trying or the
00:35:50.560 --> 00:35:52.950
embarrassment that may come from taking
00:35:52.960 --> 00:35:55.190
a risk to be the person that I want to
00:35:55.200 --> 00:35:58.069
be and having people around me maybe see
00:35:58.079 --> 00:36:00.710
me fail and then shrinking back into
00:36:00.720 --> 00:36:02.630
myself and saying, "I knew I shouldn't
00:36:02.640 --> 00:36:04.870
have done that. I knew that wasn't going
00:36:04.880 --> 00:36:07.190
to work." And now I'm back in that
00:36:07.200 --> 00:36:09.750
cycle. I think it takes real courage to
00:36:09.760 --> 00:36:12.470
allow yourself to open the door for this
00:36:12.480 --> 00:36:15.190
person that probably for years has been
00:36:15.200 --> 00:36:17.510
begging to be let out so you can step
00:36:17.520 --> 00:36:19.829
into your truth and into yourself. It's
00:36:19.839 --> 00:36:22.870
a courageous thing that needs to happen.
00:36:22.880 --> 00:36:25.430
But I think even when you crack that
00:36:25.440 --> 00:36:28.710
door open and you just let that person
00:36:28.720 --> 00:36:31.750
take one step out, it gives you this
00:36:31.760 --> 00:36:35.270
feeling of, "Oh, wait. I think I might
00:36:35.280 --> 00:36:37.829
be able to do this. I think that it
00:36:37.839 --> 00:36:39.750
really is time to take these steps and
00:36:39.760 --> 00:36:43.430
to become this person. I think the
00:36:43.440 --> 00:36:46.630
mistake that people make, and I hate
00:36:46.640 --> 00:36:48.550
speaking for others, so the mistake that
00:36:48.560 --> 00:36:51.430
I made, like I said, is thinking that I
00:36:51.440 --> 00:36:54.310
needed to do it all at once or it wasn't
00:36:54.320 --> 00:36:56.230
worth it or it wasn't going to work.
00:36:56.240 --> 00:36:59.750
>> Yep. these small winds that you're
00:36:59.760 --> 00:37:02.310
starting to say, I used to sit on the
00:37:02.320 --> 00:37:05.030
couch all day and just watch Netflix and
00:37:05.040 --> 00:37:06.950
wonder why my life wasn't what I wanted
00:37:06.960 --> 00:37:09.349
it to be. This past week, I've watched
00:37:09.359 --> 00:37:13.109
Netflix for 30 minutes a day instead of
00:37:13.119 --> 00:37:17.270
6 hours. Okay, I'm seeing results. I'm
00:37:17.280 --> 00:37:19.190
feeling more motivated. I've done more
00:37:19.200 --> 00:37:20.790
work
00:37:20.800 --> 00:37:22.870
in my business or I've been able to
00:37:22.880 --> 00:37:24.630
connect deeper with friends because I'm
00:37:24.640 --> 00:37:27.430
not locked into the TV or if people have
00:37:27.440 --> 00:37:28.790
health goals.
00:37:28.800 --> 00:37:31.510
>> I never take walks. I give myself the
00:37:31.520 --> 00:37:33.589
excuse of, "Oh, it's too hot or my legs
00:37:33.599 --> 00:37:35.670
hurt or I'm too busy." And then you
00:37:35.680 --> 00:37:39.030
start taking 10, 15, 20 minute walks.
00:37:39.040 --> 00:37:40.710
You start stacking that up and realizing
00:37:40.720 --> 00:37:43.190
number one, I kind of enjoy walking.
00:37:43.200 --> 00:37:45.829
It's nice outside. I like the sunshine.
00:37:45.839 --> 00:37:49.109
And also you're building these winds of
00:37:49.119 --> 00:37:52.630
>> I can get out and walk. I can feel good
00:37:52.640 --> 00:37:55.190
about taking these steps and being this
00:37:55.200 --> 00:37:58.950
new person that compounds over time
00:37:58.960 --> 00:38:02.550
until I think one day you wake up and
00:38:02.560 --> 00:38:06.870
you realize, oh my gosh, that old me
00:38:06.880 --> 00:38:09.510
could never even compete with the me
00:38:09.520 --> 00:38:11.670
that I am now through taking these small
00:38:11.680 --> 00:38:13.270
actions every single day.
00:38:13.280 --> 00:38:15.190
>> It doesn't all have to happen at once.
00:38:15.200 --> 00:38:18.550
You're so right and it's so important. I
00:38:18.560 --> 00:38:21.670
think that a few things are important to
00:38:21.680 --> 00:38:24.470
point out that you were highlight like
00:38:24.480 --> 00:38:26.950
what you were saying when you said like
00:38:26.960 --> 00:38:29.670
you're never done with the work for some
00:38:29.680 --> 00:38:31.190
people
00:38:31.200 --> 00:38:33.670
and I hear this so much and it bothers
00:38:33.680 --> 00:38:35.910
me. I think it trigger it triggers
00:38:35.920 --> 00:38:38.390
something in me but it also makes me sad
00:38:38.400 --> 00:38:40.470
because I think it's why people give up
00:38:40.480 --> 00:38:42.550
sometimes. I hear people say you're not
00:38:42.560 --> 00:38:44.870
healed or they're not healed. We're
00:38:44.880 --> 00:38:47.510
never going to be 100%
00:38:47.520 --> 00:38:49.670
healed, right? We're here to do a lot of
00:38:49.680 --> 00:38:51.910
work and there are a lot of layers. And
00:38:51.920 --> 00:38:54.310
yes, when we peel back one layer and we
00:38:54.320 --> 00:38:56.950
overcome something or we learn to live
00:38:56.960 --> 00:38:59.990
with something or we grieve so we can
00:39:00.000 --> 00:39:02.630
move on, whatever it is, there is
00:39:02.640 --> 00:39:04.230
something else underneath that to work
00:39:04.240 --> 00:39:06.230
on that's never done.
00:39:06.240 --> 00:39:08.310
>> But I don't want people to hear that and
00:39:08.320 --> 00:39:10.950
be discouraged. I would love it if you
00:39:10.960 --> 00:39:14.390
would explain because I'm sure that you
00:39:14.400 --> 00:39:16.950
have experienced this. Why is it worth
00:39:16.960 --> 00:39:19.829
it? Because for men especially that I
00:39:19.839 --> 00:39:23.109
work with, I
00:39:23.119 --> 00:39:25.670
hear a lot of frustration
00:39:25.680 --> 00:39:28.710
when they do overcome something or let's
00:39:28.720 --> 00:39:30.870
say we get a part settled down in their
00:39:30.880 --> 00:39:33.190
system and then the next week they come
00:39:33.200 --> 00:39:35.030
back and they're like, "Well, now this
00:39:35.040 --> 00:39:37.349
happened. I thought I was done. I
00:39:37.359 --> 00:39:39.190
thought I was over this. I thought I was
00:39:39.200 --> 00:39:41.589
better. I thought I was healed. How can
00:39:41.599 --> 00:39:43.270
people
00:39:43.280 --> 00:39:45.270
better understand
00:39:45.280 --> 00:39:47.510
and learn to live with like this? Like
00:39:47.520 --> 00:39:51.109
it's a process and it's ongoing.
00:39:51.119 --> 00:39:54.150
>> But I think for me, I'm going to give my
00:39:54.160 --> 00:39:56.710
word for it. I think because I live in
00:39:56.720 --> 00:40:00.230
gratitude now, immense gratitude, that
00:40:00.240 --> 00:40:03.270
even if something terrible happens or I
00:40:03.280 --> 00:40:05.270
face a new challenge or an old challenge
00:40:05.280 --> 00:40:08.710
comes back today, I'm so grateful that
00:40:08.720 --> 00:40:10.550
my life is so much better than when I
00:40:10.560 --> 00:40:12.470
was living in survival mode.
00:40:12.480 --> 00:40:14.230
>> What's your perspective on this? That's
00:40:14.240 --> 00:40:17.270
my perspective. Like it's the gratitude
00:40:17.280 --> 00:40:19.349
that makes it all worth it and helps me
00:40:19.359 --> 00:40:22.069
be stay positive. What is it for you? I
00:40:22.079 --> 00:40:26.150
think for me it's an acknowledgment of
00:40:26.160 --> 00:40:31.190
where I am now versus where I was. I
00:40:31.200 --> 00:40:33.510
think it's really easy, like you were
00:40:33.520 --> 00:40:35.270
saying, for people to say, "I thought I
00:40:35.280 --> 00:40:38.230
was healed. I thought I was over this."
00:40:38.240 --> 00:40:40.550
Like you said, it's a constant battle.
00:40:40.560 --> 00:40:43.190
It's a constant journey. For me, when
00:40:43.200 --> 00:40:46.069
I'm able to take a moment and say,
00:40:46.079 --> 00:40:48.790
"Okay, this is a challenge that I have
00:40:48.800 --> 00:40:51.270
faced before. I thought I was over it,
00:40:51.280 --> 00:40:52.950
but it's still triggering something in
00:40:52.960 --> 00:40:58.630
me. But the old me would have spiraled
00:40:58.640 --> 00:41:02.309
or gone running and not really been
00:41:02.319 --> 00:41:04.390
willing to face it or attempt to face it
00:41:04.400 --> 00:41:07.109
or attempt to maybe understand what the
00:41:07.119 --> 00:41:10.230
challenge is. When I have those moments,
00:41:10.240 --> 00:41:12.470
it for me it's really beneficial to sit
00:41:12.480 --> 00:41:15.829
and say, "Yes, this is a challenge. Yes,
00:41:15.839 --> 00:41:17.910
it's still triggering me. I thought that
00:41:17.920 --> 00:41:19.910
I was in a place where maybe I was past
00:41:19.920 --> 00:41:22.550
it. Number one, clearly I'm not past it.
00:41:22.560 --> 00:41:26.069
So there's still work to do. But also
00:41:26.079 --> 00:41:28.790
the old me would have handled this
00:41:28.800 --> 00:41:31.430
entirely differently. So there is
00:41:31.440 --> 00:41:34.870
healing and growth that has happened for
00:41:34.880 --> 00:41:38.950
me. I really attach my mind to that to
00:41:38.960 --> 00:41:41.190
say again obviously there's no finish
00:41:41.200 --> 00:41:44.870
line but to say okay you have I'm so
00:41:44.880 --> 00:41:49.190
sorry you have taken these steps to get
00:41:49.200 --> 00:41:53.750
past a point of spiral or get past a
00:41:53.760 --> 00:41:57.750
point of being buried by this emotion.
00:41:57.760 --> 00:41:59.190
Now you're at a place where you're
00:41:59.200 --> 00:42:02.470
willing to stand up to it to face it
00:42:02.480 --> 00:42:06.309
head on. So the acknowledgement of even
00:42:06.319 --> 00:42:08.069
small
00:42:08.079 --> 00:42:11.589
bits of growth or small bits of healing
00:42:11.599 --> 00:42:14.230
has helped me personally continue that
00:42:14.240 --> 00:42:17.670
journey because I think if I would not
00:42:17.680 --> 00:42:20.230
acknowledge it and just sit in the place
00:42:20.240 --> 00:42:23.510
of why is this still triggering me? Why
00:42:23.520 --> 00:42:26.230
is this still making me feel this way?
00:42:26.240 --> 00:42:29.510
Then you get into that thinking of I
00:42:29.520 --> 00:42:32.069
must not be healed. the work that I'm
00:42:32.079 --> 00:42:34.309
doing must not be worth it because I'm
00:42:34.319 --> 00:42:36.630
still being triggered. There's still
00:42:36.640 --> 00:42:38.790
layers underneath of this that are still
00:42:38.800 --> 00:42:40.790
hurting me. And then you're stuck in
00:42:40.800 --> 00:42:42.790
that place of I've done all this work
00:42:42.800 --> 00:42:45.270
for nothing. I'm still being upset by
00:42:45.280 --> 00:42:47.030
this or it's still affecting me in this
00:42:47.040 --> 00:42:49.510
way. For me, when I can take a second to
00:42:49.520 --> 00:42:52.950
say I am being affected by it, but not
00:42:52.960 --> 00:42:55.430
in the same way that I would have been
00:42:55.440 --> 00:42:58.150
six months ago, a year ago, it's the
00:42:58.160 --> 00:43:00.550
acknowledgement of those little steps,
00:43:00.560 --> 00:43:04.230
the little bits of growth that help keep
00:43:04.240 --> 00:43:07.030
me on the journey of, okay, maybe this
00:43:07.040 --> 00:43:09.910
is five steps away from where I was, and
00:43:09.920 --> 00:43:11.670
maybe in six months now, I'll be 10
00:43:11.680 --> 00:43:14.150
steps away from where I was. But if I
00:43:14.160 --> 00:43:15.990
continue to take these steps and do this
00:43:16.000 --> 00:43:17.109
work,
00:43:17.119 --> 00:43:19.670
>> there's going to be a time where I feel,
00:43:19.680 --> 00:43:21.829
>> okay, maybe it triggers me a little bit,
00:43:21.839 --> 00:43:25.190
but I'm okay. I'm fine. I can keep
00:43:25.200 --> 00:43:26.069
moving on.
00:43:26.079 --> 00:43:29.430
>> Yeah. Yeah. That's all good. And I think
00:43:29.440 --> 00:43:31.349
we live in this time of like instant
00:43:31.359 --> 00:43:33.430
gratification. If we need something, we
00:43:33.440 --> 00:43:35.270
just get on our phone and Amazon
00:43:35.280 --> 00:43:35.910
delivers it,
00:43:35.920 --> 00:43:40.230
>> right? So, it's really hard to not get
00:43:40.240 --> 00:43:43.430
fixed right away. If you have pain, you
00:43:43.440 --> 00:43:45.349
pop a pill or you go to the doctor and
00:43:45.359 --> 00:43:47.910
they make it feel better. This kind of
00:43:47.920 --> 00:43:52.390
work isn't like that. And it's all
00:43:52.400 --> 00:43:54.230
layered on top of each other and it does
00:43:54.240 --> 00:43:55.829
come back. Especially when we talk about
00:43:55.839 --> 00:44:00.630
grief. And I think I'm going to probe a
00:44:00.640 --> 00:44:02.309
little bit more about men in particular
00:44:02.319 --> 00:44:06.390
since you're my first male guest. I just
00:44:06.400 --> 00:44:09.349
did a podcast episode a few weeks ago
00:44:09.359 --> 00:44:11.750
and I was specifically when I started
00:44:11.760 --> 00:44:13.109
doing the research for the episode
00:44:13.119 --> 00:44:15.589
targeting anger in men who are going
00:44:15.599 --> 00:44:17.750
through divorce. That was the purpose of
00:44:17.760 --> 00:44:19.589
doing the research. But once I got in
00:44:19.599 --> 00:44:23.109
and started doing that work,
00:44:23.119 --> 00:44:26.230
I started realizing, oh, because I
00:44:26.240 --> 00:44:28.470
already knew men were really only giving
00:44:28.480 --> 00:44:30.710
themselves permission to feel certain
00:44:30.720 --> 00:44:33.670
emotions. I knew that, but I wasn't
00:44:33.680 --> 00:44:35.589
thinking about it in terms of a lot of
00:44:35.599 --> 00:44:38.870
my other clients who are struggling, and
00:44:38.880 --> 00:44:40.870
they're specifically struggling, they
00:44:40.880 --> 00:44:44.230
say, with anger. But in that research, I
00:44:44.240 --> 00:44:47.750
found that many times the real emotions
00:44:47.760 --> 00:44:50.069
that they're feeling underneath the
00:44:50.079 --> 00:44:53.910
anger are things like hopelessness,
00:44:53.920 --> 00:44:55.430
loneliness,
00:44:55.440 --> 00:44:59.430
sadness, which are emotions that and
00:44:59.440 --> 00:45:01.190
fear. Fear was the big one. Like fear
00:45:01.200 --> 00:45:04.230
that I'll never have another connection.
00:45:04.240 --> 00:45:08.150
So I realized quickly, okay, this is not
00:45:08.160 --> 00:45:12.550
just related to divorce. This spans a
00:45:12.560 --> 00:45:16.309
lot of issues for men. And the anger is
00:45:16.319 --> 00:45:19.030
one of the only emotions that young boys
00:45:19.040 --> 00:45:21.990
and young men are taught it's okay to
00:45:22.000 --> 00:45:25.670
feel. So the anger is actually masking
00:45:25.680 --> 00:45:28.069
something else underneath. So my
00:45:28.079 --> 00:45:31.030
question is, what do you think about
00:45:31.040 --> 00:45:35.430
that idea? And what kind of pain do you
00:45:35.440 --> 00:45:38.630
think men are giving themselves
00:45:38.640 --> 00:45:41.349
permission to feel versus the pain that
00:45:41.359 --> 00:45:44.470
they need permission to feel?
00:45:44.480 --> 00:45:47.109
>> Wow, that's really that's a good one.
00:45:47.119 --> 00:45:48.550
That is definitely a good one. I think
00:45:48.560 --> 00:45:51.190
for me personally, as I mentioned in the
00:45:51.200 --> 00:45:53.270
beginning of this, for a lot of my life
00:45:53.280 --> 00:45:54.550
was operating out of this place of
00:45:54.560 --> 00:45:57.670
frustration or anger. And when I really
00:45:57.680 --> 00:45:59.190
to what you just said, when I really
00:45:59.200 --> 00:46:02.630
looked at it, it came down to I'm
00:46:02.640 --> 00:46:04.950
unhappy with
00:46:04.960 --> 00:46:07.910
how I'm showing up
00:46:07.920 --> 00:46:11.910
in relationships, but also at my job,
00:46:11.920 --> 00:46:16.390
financially, feeling like I should be or
00:46:16.400 --> 00:46:19.349
could be doing so much more in these
00:46:19.359 --> 00:46:23.510
areas of my life. And instead of being
00:46:23.520 --> 00:46:26.230
honest with myself and saying, "I feel
00:46:26.240 --> 00:46:30.870
hopeless at this dead-end job or I'm
00:46:30.880 --> 00:46:36.150
afraid that my partner is not going to
00:46:36.160 --> 00:46:38.870
see maybe the value that I'm attempting
00:46:38.880 --> 00:46:41.510
to bring if I'm not bringing it in a way
00:46:41.520 --> 00:46:44.470
that she's able to receive it." sadness
00:46:44.480 --> 00:46:47.750
in like how did I number one become this
00:46:47.760 --> 00:46:52.069
person but also how do I not be this
00:46:52.079 --> 00:46:54.390
person anymore? For me there was a lot
00:46:54.400 --> 00:46:59.990
of anger in I want to be more. I know I
00:47:00.000 --> 00:47:03.910
can be more but life's circumstances and
00:47:03.920 --> 00:47:06.630
the place that I'm in now or makes it
00:47:06.640 --> 00:47:10.790
feel like I can't get past this. Whether
00:47:10.800 --> 00:47:14.069
it's I'm at a job just to pay the bills
00:47:14.079 --> 00:47:15.910
and I'm not able to show up fully at
00:47:15.920 --> 00:47:19.510
home or I'm at a job, I'm showing up
00:47:19.520 --> 00:47:22.390
fully at home and I'm not showing up for
00:47:22.400 --> 00:47:24.230
myself in ways that maybe I need to be
00:47:24.240 --> 00:47:27.190
showing up for myself. All of that sort
00:47:27.200 --> 00:47:29.349
of gets internalized and becomes this
00:47:29.359 --> 00:47:33.670
frustration of why is my life not
00:47:33.680 --> 00:47:37.750
working the way I planned it to? And I
00:47:37.760 --> 00:47:39.910
think that's a big thing for me
00:47:39.920 --> 00:47:44.230
specifically is setting expectations of
00:47:44.240 --> 00:47:47.990
if I do ABC the outcome should be this.
00:47:48.000 --> 00:47:50.550
If I do one, two, three correctly, the
00:47:50.560 --> 00:47:52.950
outcome should be this. Sort of
00:47:52.960 --> 00:47:55.750
fantasizing or romanticizing. If I take
00:47:55.760 --> 00:47:57.270
these steps, this is the way that life
00:47:57.280 --> 00:47:59.190
should go. And then when life doesn't go
00:47:59.200 --> 00:48:01.910
that way, it created in me this feeling
00:48:01.920 --> 00:48:04.470
of but I've done everything right or I
00:48:04.480 --> 00:48:06.470
thought I was doing everything right.
00:48:06.480 --> 00:48:10.150
and now I'm nothing is going the way
00:48:10.160 --> 00:48:12.390
that I anticipated it would or nothing
00:48:12.400 --> 00:48:15.109
is going the way that I thought that it
00:48:15.119 --> 00:48:18.069
would turn out. And then instead of
00:48:18.079 --> 00:48:20.309
being sad, which I think is the reality
00:48:20.319 --> 00:48:22.790
of at least setting up expectations is
00:48:22.800 --> 00:48:23.910
not
00:48:23.920 --> 00:48:27.109
>> getting to that goal line of those
00:48:27.119 --> 00:48:27.829
expectations,
00:48:27.839 --> 00:48:28.630
>> right?
00:48:28.640 --> 00:48:31.190
>> It's sad. It makes you feel like,
00:48:31.200 --> 00:48:35.030
>> am I worthless? Have I not done things
00:48:35.040 --> 00:48:37.349
that needed to be done to get me to this
00:48:37.359 --> 00:48:41.109
place? And like you said, typically
00:48:41.119 --> 00:48:43.510
growing up, I think the world is a
00:48:43.520 --> 00:48:45.270
little bit better about it now. I was a
00:48:45.280 --> 00:48:48.470
'9s kid who grew up my with a single
00:48:48.480 --> 00:48:51.270
mom, but my dad was a bluecollar dad. So
00:48:51.280 --> 00:48:55.109
very much like men don't cry, you get
00:48:55.119 --> 00:48:57.910
up, you go to work, you come home, you
00:48:57.920 --> 00:48:59.910
pay the bills, that's how you handle
00:48:59.920 --> 00:49:02.230
being a man. Obviously, I think now, you
00:49:02.240 --> 00:49:03.670
know, we're starting to get into a place
00:49:03.680 --> 00:49:05.670
with parenting where we're a little bit
00:49:05.680 --> 00:49:07.349
more emotionally in tune with our kids
00:49:07.359 --> 00:49:10.390
and ourselves, but for me,
00:49:10.400 --> 00:49:12.950
>> I never there were moments where I could
00:49:12.960 --> 00:49:15.750
feel very deeply with the safety of my
00:49:15.760 --> 00:49:19.670
mom, but that was very quickly shut down
00:49:19.680 --> 00:49:22.309
in being reminded because people used to
00:49:22.319 --> 00:49:23.829
always say this to me and I think it was
00:49:23.839 --> 00:49:26.069
probably so detrimental, but you're the
00:49:26.079 --> 00:49:27.670
man of the house. Growing up with a
00:49:27.680 --> 00:49:29.109
single mom, people always used to say,
00:49:29.119 --> 00:49:31.589
"Oh, yeah. you, okay? It's your job to
00:49:31.599 --> 00:49:32.950
take care of your mom. You're the man of
00:49:32.960 --> 00:49:35.430
the house now. So, even being eight,
00:49:35.440 --> 00:49:36.470
nine, 10 years old,
00:49:36.480 --> 00:49:37.829
>> so detrimental.
00:49:37.839 --> 00:49:41.589
>> I would take on these emotions of,
00:49:41.599 --> 00:49:43.670
>> okay, don't cry. Don't let your mom see
00:49:43.680 --> 00:49:45.430
you cry because if she sees you cry,
00:49:45.440 --> 00:49:47.030
it's going to make her sad and she has
00:49:47.040 --> 00:49:48.710
enough to worry about so you don't be
00:49:48.720 --> 00:49:51.349
sad. So, these emotions then turned into
00:49:51.359 --> 00:49:53.349
anger because as I get older, I started
00:49:53.359 --> 00:49:56.390
to feel like, why can't I be sad? I need
00:49:56.400 --> 00:49:59.030
to be sad. And then it makes me angry.
00:49:59.040 --> 00:50:00.870
And then when I'm getting angry, then
00:50:00.880 --> 00:50:04.870
that became my baseline. You're a man
00:50:04.880 --> 00:50:08.150
who's angry at life because life has
00:50:08.160 --> 00:50:10.870
been unfair to those that you love. And
00:50:10.880 --> 00:50:12.790
that was the baseline of operation. And
00:50:12.800 --> 00:50:15.109
I think that may, you know, I hate to
00:50:15.119 --> 00:50:17.589
speak for men everywhere, but I think a
00:50:17.599 --> 00:50:20.790
large part of men operate from that
00:50:20.800 --> 00:50:23.990
baseline of I'm angry at life because
00:50:24.000 --> 00:50:27.349
life has been unfair either to me or the
00:50:27.359 --> 00:50:29.910
people I care about. And as a man, I
00:50:29.920 --> 00:50:31.589
should be able to do something about it,
00:50:31.599 --> 00:50:34.230
but I can't. And I think that leaves us
00:50:34.240 --> 00:50:37.430
feeling powerless. And in a society that
00:50:37.440 --> 00:50:40.230
teaches men to be powerful, to take
00:50:40.240 --> 00:50:42.710
control, be a leader. In the moments
00:50:42.720 --> 00:50:44.470
that you feel like you're not doing
00:50:44.480 --> 00:50:47.190
those things, that perpetuates that
00:50:47.200 --> 00:50:49.670
anger, sadness, hopelessness, and
00:50:49.680 --> 00:50:53.270
frustration of am I missing the mark of
00:50:53.280 --> 00:50:56.390
being a man? And then in turn, you you
00:50:56.400 --> 00:50:59.829
get harder about it. you you become a
00:50:59.839 --> 00:51:03.670
man who at least for me I created this
00:51:03.680 --> 00:51:07.910
character of what a man is and the only
00:51:07.920 --> 00:51:10.630
way that I could operate as a man was to
00:51:10.640 --> 00:51:13.510
be this character and it took a lot of
00:51:13.520 --> 00:51:18.549
work for me to understand that I'm not a
00:51:18.559 --> 00:51:22.630
character. I'm not a person in a movie
00:51:22.640 --> 00:51:26.309
and this isn't how I have to operate to
00:51:26.319 --> 00:51:28.390
be a man in society, especially
00:51:28.400 --> 00:51:31.109
nowadays. Um, but that took a lot to
00:51:31.119 --> 00:51:32.309
understand like,
00:51:32.319 --> 00:51:32.710
>> yeah,
00:51:32.720 --> 00:51:35.670
>> I don't need to be angry and powerful
00:51:35.680 --> 00:51:39.109
all the time. I'm allowed to be soft and
00:51:39.119 --> 00:51:40.230
vulnerable
00:51:40.240 --> 00:51:42.870
>> and you need to be in order to thrive.
00:51:42.880 --> 00:51:44.549
What did that look like? What did the
00:51:44.559 --> 00:51:46.230
character look like for you?
00:51:46.240 --> 00:51:49.109
>> Oh boy. So, I mean, you can see, maybe
00:51:49.119 --> 00:51:51.910
not. I'm pretty heavily tattooed. I work
00:51:51.920 --> 00:51:55.430
in, you know, a bluecollar career. You
00:51:55.440 --> 00:51:57.109
know, I drive a big truck. I ride
00:51:57.119 --> 00:51:59.829
motorcycles, listen to country music,
00:51:59.839 --> 00:52:02.549
enjoy having beers with the boys. So,
00:52:02.559 --> 00:52:04.630
it's like really this stereotypical
00:52:04.640 --> 00:52:08.549
architect of what a man is. But
00:52:08.559 --> 00:52:10.309
emotionally,
00:52:10.319 --> 00:52:15.109
I closed myself off to deep connection
00:52:15.119 --> 00:52:16.390
with people,
00:52:16.400 --> 00:52:19.190
>> whether that be romantic relationships,
00:52:19.200 --> 00:52:22.549
friendships, co-workers. I never allowed
00:52:22.559 --> 00:52:28.069
myself to say or to be soft in that way
00:52:28.079 --> 00:52:30.390
where bonds are formed in a deep and
00:52:30.400 --> 00:52:33.829
meaningful way. Because to me, like I
00:52:33.839 --> 00:52:36.150
said before, a man wakes up. This is how
00:52:36.160 --> 00:52:38.630
I used to feel. man wakes up, goes to
00:52:38.640 --> 00:52:40.870
work, says, "Hey, what's up?" to your
00:52:40.880 --> 00:52:43.589
friends. Nothing beyond that. Hey, hope
00:52:43.599 --> 00:52:45.109
you're doing good. Hope the family's get
00:52:45.119 --> 00:52:47.109
into the truck, drive home, make sure
00:52:47.119 --> 00:52:49.030
the bills are paid, make sure there's
00:52:49.040 --> 00:52:51.750
food on the table. But beyond that,
00:52:51.760 --> 00:52:55.349
there was no deep and meaningful
00:52:55.359 --> 00:52:58.390
connection romantically and platonically
00:52:58.400 --> 00:53:01.670
because I was so worried about being
00:53:01.680 --> 00:53:05.510
tough and being powerful and taking
00:53:05.520 --> 00:53:08.710
charge. And I think I made the mistake
00:53:08.720 --> 00:53:13.109
of taking charge does not mean leading
00:53:13.119 --> 00:53:16.630
in a meaningful way because I can make
00:53:16.640 --> 00:53:18.630
all the decisions. I can pay all the
00:53:18.640 --> 00:53:22.069
bills. I can say this is what's for
00:53:22.079 --> 00:53:25.030
dinner. This weekend we're going here.
00:53:25.040 --> 00:53:28.710
But if there's no connection behind it,
00:53:28.720 --> 00:53:30.710
if there's no vulnerability behind that
00:53:30.720 --> 00:53:34.630
or want to be a unit, I'm just a b I'm
00:53:34.640 --> 00:53:37.589
just the boss. I'm just making rules
00:53:37.599 --> 00:53:40.069
that everyone has to follow because that
00:53:40.079 --> 00:53:41.990
means that I'm in charge. And I think
00:53:42.000 --> 00:53:45.349
that's for me personally where I have
00:53:45.359 --> 00:53:47.030
gone wrong in a lot of my romantic
00:53:47.040 --> 00:53:50.309
relationships is I'm not or I wasn't
00:53:50.319 --> 00:53:54.470
leading. I was just the manager if you
00:53:54.480 --> 00:53:56.950
will. I was just the boss making rules.
00:53:56.960 --> 00:53:59.270
>> Right. What's the difference between
00:53:59.280 --> 00:54:02.230
leading and managing? I think leading
00:54:02.240 --> 00:54:06.230
for me personally comes with
00:54:06.240 --> 00:54:07.750
connectivity
00:54:07.760 --> 00:54:12.710
and vulnerability and moments of
00:54:12.720 --> 00:54:14.390
understanding
00:54:14.400 --> 00:54:17.109
your partner's needs on the other side
00:54:17.119 --> 00:54:20.710
of that leadership. So there are moments
00:54:20.720 --> 00:54:21.430
and safety.
00:54:21.440 --> 00:54:24.150
>> Exactly. in a true this is such like a
00:54:24.160 --> 00:54:27.270
buzzword now but like holding space for
00:54:27.280 --> 00:54:28.470
that person
00:54:28.480 --> 00:54:31.589
>> because it's really easy to come home
00:54:31.599 --> 00:54:35.109
say this and that your partner says hey
00:54:35.119 --> 00:54:37.030
I need this from you
00:54:37.040 --> 00:54:39.990
>> and halfheartedly giving it to them just
00:54:40.000 --> 00:54:43.349
to keep the peace as opposed to truly
00:54:43.359 --> 00:54:46.150
and meaningfully holding this place of
00:54:46.160 --> 00:54:49.190
understanding and
00:54:49.200 --> 00:54:52.069
knowing them on a deeper level to
00:54:52.079 --> 00:54:55.990
understand do you need me to be just
00:54:56.000 --> 00:54:58.630
your ear and shoulder right now do you
00:54:58.640 --> 00:55:00.230
need solution
00:55:00.240 --> 00:55:02.549
>> or do you just need to vent it out
00:55:02.559 --> 00:55:05.349
>> I think that's a really tough area for a
00:55:05.359 --> 00:55:07.829
lot of men because we are so solution
00:55:07.839 --> 00:55:10.549
driven to understand that
00:55:10.559 --> 00:55:11.910
>> I think right now I probably just need
00:55:11.920 --> 00:55:13.270
to listen
00:55:13.280 --> 00:55:15.430
>> I don't think I need to say
00:55:15.440 --> 00:55:18.069
>> well let's fix it this is how we can fix
00:55:18.079 --> 00:55:20.150
it let's go and make it better you know
00:55:20.160 --> 00:55:21.349
I think
00:55:21.359 --> 00:55:24.870
that it for me personally and for
00:55:24.880 --> 00:55:26.710
probably a lot of men that I know in my
00:55:26.720 --> 00:55:29.750
life, not everything needs solution. Not
00:55:29.760 --> 00:55:32.230
everything needs to be fixed. That was a
00:55:32.240 --> 00:55:32.870
really tough
00:55:32.880 --> 00:55:35.030
>> and most women don't want you to fix.
00:55:35.040 --> 00:55:37.109
Most of us don't. But they do appreciate
00:55:37.119 --> 00:55:38.069
if you ask,
00:55:38.079 --> 00:55:38.950
>> sure,
00:55:38.960 --> 00:55:40.950
>> what do you want? And I think that's the
00:55:40.960 --> 00:55:43.510
key and that feeling of safety. It's
00:55:43.520 --> 00:55:45.270
safe and you're going to hold space for
00:55:45.280 --> 00:55:48.710
me in a safe way, whatever that is. But
00:55:48.720 --> 00:55:51.430
I also think that where a lot of men
00:55:51.440 --> 00:55:54.710
could greatly improve, especially that
00:55:54.720 --> 00:55:57.829
scenario you just described, is setting
00:55:57.839 --> 00:55:59.829
their own boundary and knowing what they
00:55:59.839 --> 00:56:01.910
need and taking the space for themselves
00:56:01.920 --> 00:56:03.190
first,
00:56:03.200 --> 00:56:09.030
>> but expressing it. We get we get lost in
00:56:09.040 --> 00:56:11.109
relationships when we don't say what we
00:56:11.119 --> 00:56:15.750
need. So, if you're this safe man,
00:56:15.760 --> 00:56:17.190
you've got to take care of yourself just
00:56:17.200 --> 00:56:18.549
like women have to take care of
00:56:18.559 --> 00:56:21.829
themselves first. But you have to tell
00:56:21.839 --> 00:56:23.990
somebody what you're doing and why so it
00:56:24.000 --> 00:56:25.430
doesn't feel like rejection or
00:56:25.440 --> 00:56:29.670
abandonment or not caring. It's, hey,
00:56:29.680 --> 00:56:31.109
I'm going to go sit in the backyard for
00:56:31.119 --> 00:56:33.349
a minute and get some sun. I need to
00:56:33.359 --> 00:56:35.589
unwind. I can't wait to hear about your
00:56:35.599 --> 00:56:38.789
day, but I need to do this first. Okay.
00:56:38.799 --> 00:56:41.270
Most women would be like, "Okay, that's
00:56:41.280 --> 00:56:43.109
great. I can't wait till you come back
00:56:43.119 --> 00:56:45.990
inside. Go take care of yourself so you
00:56:46.000 --> 00:56:48.870
can show up for me and hold space for
00:56:48.880 --> 00:56:50.230
me. That's what I need."
00:56:50.240 --> 00:56:50.870
>> Yeah.
00:56:50.880 --> 00:56:55.030
>> But instead, it's the walking in and the
00:56:55.040 --> 00:56:57.589
I can't take it. I can't I don't want to
00:56:57.599 --> 00:56:59.670
hear about your day. Half-heartedly
00:56:59.680 --> 00:57:03.349
listening, you know, just not showing up
00:57:03.359 --> 00:57:06.309
and making that safe container for
00:57:06.319 --> 00:57:07.829
connection. So,
00:57:07.839 --> 00:57:10.309
>> yeah. Absolutely. I know I myself was
00:57:10.319 --> 00:57:12.230
definitely guilty of that
00:57:12.240 --> 00:57:14.950
>> through most of my life in
00:57:14.960 --> 00:57:15.430
>> Yeah.
00:57:15.440 --> 00:57:18.069
>> showing up coming home from work
00:57:18.079 --> 00:57:20.870
frustrated, tired from the day. And
00:57:20.880 --> 00:57:21.990
instead of sort of
00:57:22.000 --> 00:57:22.390
>> Yeah.
00:57:22.400 --> 00:57:24.069
>> Like you're saying,
00:57:24.079 --> 00:57:25.990
>> just being transparent and saying, "Hey,
00:57:26.000 --> 00:57:28.069
I've had a really tough day. I just need
00:57:28.079 --> 00:57:31.270
five minutes to unwind." I would jump
00:57:31.280 --> 00:57:33.270
into
00:57:33.280 --> 00:57:36.630
again being the leader provider, but not
00:57:36.640 --> 00:57:39.190
in a meaningful way. Just I've had a
00:57:39.200 --> 00:57:40.309
rough day.
00:57:40.319 --> 00:57:41.670
>> Let me go into the kitchen and start
00:57:41.680 --> 00:57:44.150
making dinner. And then through that
00:57:44.160 --> 00:57:47.030
resentment would build of I never have
00:57:47.040 --> 00:57:49.190
space or time for myself. But the
00:57:49.200 --> 00:57:52.870
reality was I wasn't voicing that. I was
00:57:52.880 --> 00:57:55.510
letting my frustration or using my
00:57:55.520 --> 00:57:58.230
frustration as a means of communication
00:57:58.240 --> 00:58:01.750
so that my partners would know, oh, he
00:58:01.760 --> 00:58:03.510
must have had a long day. Let me give
00:58:03.520 --> 00:58:04.309
him a break.
00:58:04.319 --> 00:58:04.870
>> Right?
00:58:04.880 --> 00:58:07.190
>> But then that on both sides creates this
00:58:07.200 --> 00:58:09.430
resentment of he comes home angry every
00:58:09.440 --> 00:58:12.230
day. She never understands why I'm so
00:58:12.240 --> 00:58:13.990
angry. And there was no clear
00:58:14.000 --> 00:58:16.230
communication of, hey, I just need five
00:58:16.240 --> 00:58:18.309
minutes. Like you said, I cannot wait to
00:58:18.319 --> 00:58:19.990
hear about your day. I just need to
00:58:20.000 --> 00:58:21.430
unwind for a second and then I'm going
00:58:21.440 --> 00:58:22.789
to come back in and be the best me that
00:58:22.799 --> 00:58:24.150
I can be for you.
00:58:24.160 --> 00:58:26.710
>> I was definitely guilty of not giving
00:58:26.720 --> 00:58:30.230
myself that space to regulate
00:58:30.240 --> 00:58:32.710
>> and then in turn now the whole house is
00:58:32.720 --> 00:58:34.710
disregulated. Now no one knows
00:58:34.720 --> 00:58:35.109
>> right
00:58:35.119 --> 00:58:36.309
>> where to step and what to do.
00:58:36.319 --> 00:58:39.430
>> Everyone's on eggshells and Yeah. Yeah.
00:58:39.440 --> 00:58:42.309
Well, first someone who's listening,
00:58:42.319 --> 00:58:45.030
tell us about like the way that you work
00:58:45.040 --> 00:58:47.109
with people now, what you're offering
00:58:47.119 --> 00:58:50.390
people online and in if anything in
00:58:50.400 --> 00:58:54.309
person and yeah, how you are making a
00:58:54.319 --> 00:58:55.829
difference in the people's lives that
00:58:55.839 --> 00:58:57.510
you're touching right now.
00:58:57.520 --> 00:59:00.390
>> Yeah. So I every day either once or
00:59:00.400 --> 00:59:03.030
three times a day I'll post a
00:59:03.040 --> 00:59:04.630
neurosciencebacked
00:59:04.640 --> 00:59:07.510
video essentially explaining for me
00:59:07.520 --> 00:59:09.190
things that either I have gone through
00:59:09.200 --> 00:59:11.510
or that I have seen friends go through
00:59:11.520 --> 00:59:16.069
based around heartbreak divorce loss
00:59:16.079 --> 00:59:17.910
whether that's death in the family or
00:59:17.920 --> 00:59:20.390
loss of a friendship and the grief that
00:59:20.400 --> 00:59:23.829
comes with that and I have found that
00:59:23.839 --> 00:59:27.349
more often than not people didn't really
00:59:27.359 --> 00:59:29.589
understand how that was affecting their
00:59:29.599 --> 00:59:32.309
everyday life. And through posting this
00:59:32.319 --> 00:59:35.030
content and doing I do one-on-one
00:59:35.040 --> 00:59:36.870
coaching. There's a Calendarly link in
00:59:36.880 --> 00:59:39.109
my bio. But like I said in the
00:59:39.119 --> 00:59:41.990
beginning, giving a name or giving
00:59:42.000 --> 00:59:44.950
clarity to what's happening I think has
00:59:44.960 --> 00:59:46.950
helped people
00:59:46.960 --> 00:59:48.549
not feel like there's something wrong
00:59:48.559 --> 00:59:52.630
with them. It has started to illuminate
00:59:52.640 --> 00:59:56.309
that this is a natural function. Uh, I
00:59:56.319 --> 00:59:58.230
was working with someone who, you know,
00:59:58.240 --> 00:59:59.670
was unfortunately going through a
00:59:59.680 --> 01:00:02.950
separation later in life and they were
01:00:02.960 --> 01:00:06.950
unsure of why they kept feeling
01:00:06.960 --> 01:00:08.870
stuck or like wanting to reach out to
01:00:08.880 --> 01:00:10.390
this person after they had been in no
01:00:10.400 --> 01:00:12.630
contact for so long. And like we were
01:00:12.640 --> 01:00:15.030
saying earlier, explaining, hey, you're
01:00:15.040 --> 01:00:18.390
in chemical withdrawal. You have become
01:00:18.400 --> 01:00:22.390
addicted to this. And especially I think
01:00:22.400 --> 01:00:24.470
for a lot of people they become addicted
01:00:24.480 --> 01:00:27.910
to the narrative of the the solution the
01:00:27.920 --> 01:00:30.710
fix. You start to dream about
01:00:30.720 --> 01:00:32.549
>> if I say this thing they're going to
01:00:32.559 --> 01:00:34.069
come back. If I act this way they're
01:00:34.079 --> 01:00:35.990
going to come back. That in itself that
01:00:36.000 --> 01:00:38.870
loop becomes addictive because you get
01:00:38.880 --> 01:00:41.829
>> small hits of dopamine from the imagined
01:00:41.839 --> 01:00:43.190
fix.
01:00:43.200 --> 01:00:44.870
>> Right. The rumination.
01:00:44.880 --> 01:00:47.349
>> Exactly. Yeah. That yearning which is
01:00:47.359 --> 01:00:49.829
such like a buzz word online right now.
01:00:49.839 --> 01:00:51.670
bring back yearning but it's I mean
01:00:51.680 --> 01:00:53.750
everyone is yearning for something but
01:00:53.760 --> 01:00:54.390
>> something
01:00:54.400 --> 01:00:58.069
>> right so through my coaching that's
01:00:58.079 --> 01:01:00.470
really where I like to start is what are
01:01:00.480 --> 01:01:02.789
you going through what are the emotions
01:01:02.799 --> 01:01:04.630
that you continue to find yourself
01:01:04.640 --> 01:01:06.870
having time after time even if you've
01:01:06.880 --> 01:01:09.430
started to acknowledge hey this is why
01:01:09.440 --> 01:01:11.109
I'm having this emotion but you're
01:01:11.119 --> 01:01:13.910
having it over and over let's figure out
01:01:13.920 --> 01:01:16.549
why that's happening and then
01:01:16.559 --> 01:01:18.309
>> we're going to start to take real life
01:01:18.319 --> 01:01:21.270
steps not tricks, not get out of jail
01:01:21.280 --> 01:01:24.710
free cards from this. Real actionable
01:01:24.720 --> 01:01:28.470
steps to rewiring not only your brain
01:01:28.480 --> 01:01:30.549
because I think neuroplasticity is
01:01:30.559 --> 01:01:33.670
absolutely incredible, but also rewiring
01:01:33.680 --> 01:01:37.430
or retraining your nervous system around
01:01:37.440 --> 01:01:40.950
safety, connection, vulnerability, and
01:01:40.960 --> 01:01:44.150
also rejection. A lot of people deal
01:01:44.160 --> 01:01:46.150
with rejection sensitivity dysphoria
01:01:46.160 --> 01:01:49.190
where they're unwilling to take the step
01:01:49.200 --> 01:01:51.430
to maybe put themselves out there for a
01:01:51.440 --> 01:01:52.950
new relationship or a new friendship
01:01:52.960 --> 01:01:56.309
with the fear of if they say they don't
01:01:56.319 --> 01:01:58.950
like me or if they say we're just not
01:01:58.960 --> 01:02:01.109
connecting, it's going to be more
01:02:01.119 --> 01:02:02.870
painful than my heartbreak because it
01:02:02.880 --> 01:02:04.789
has just proved everything that my
01:02:04.799 --> 01:02:08.470
exartner said about me. So, I really I
01:02:08.480 --> 01:02:09.750
think one of my favorite things about
01:02:09.760 --> 01:02:13.109
the coaching is seeing someone go from
01:02:13.119 --> 01:02:16.309
point A to actionable step. Now, we're
01:02:16.319 --> 01:02:20.950
at GH and they are starting to get a
01:02:20.960 --> 01:02:22.230
little glimmer back. There's a little
01:02:22.240 --> 01:02:23.670
bit of hope that's coming back into
01:02:23.680 --> 01:02:25.030
their life and they're,
01:02:25.040 --> 01:02:27.109
>> hey, I went with my friends and I
01:02:27.119 --> 01:02:29.109
actually had a good laugh. It's tell
01:02:29.119 --> 01:02:30.710
that to your old self because you would
01:02:30.720 --> 01:02:33.030
have never believed it, you know?
01:02:33.040 --> 01:02:34.069
>> Yeah. Yeah.
01:02:34.079 --> 01:02:36.390
>> So, I have the book that I'm working on.
01:02:36.400 --> 01:02:40.309
I have a 30-day nervous system reset
01:02:40.319 --> 01:02:43.670
guide. It's, you know, daily prompts.
01:02:43.680 --> 01:02:46.150
It's neuroscience facts that you can
01:02:46.160 --> 01:02:48.549
read that go along with the prompts, but
01:02:48.559 --> 01:02:51.190
it's also a place where you can jot down
01:02:51.200 --> 01:02:53.750
a mini journal of where you're at on
01:02:53.760 --> 01:02:57.510
that day. So from day one to day 30,
01:02:57.520 --> 01:02:59.670
when I was writing this, my hope was
01:02:59.680 --> 01:03:01.910
that when you get to day 30, you do your
01:03:01.920 --> 01:03:04.630
journal entry, you can look back at day
01:03:04.640 --> 01:03:09.910
one and say, "Oh my gosh, I have maybe
01:03:09.920 --> 01:03:12.069
obviously not totally reset my nervous
01:03:12.079 --> 01:03:15.190
system, but I'm now not in a state of
01:03:15.200 --> 01:03:19.430
constant fight, constant survival. I
01:03:19.440 --> 01:03:21.190
have these small moments of hope
01:03:21.200 --> 01:03:23.510
>> that I'm able to acknowledge and really
01:03:23.520 --> 01:03:25.670
enjoy these moments of hope. Not just
01:03:25.680 --> 01:03:26.870
forced,
01:03:26.880 --> 01:03:28.950
>> oh, today was a good day. No, really
01:03:28.960 --> 01:03:29.750
enjoying,
01:03:29.760 --> 01:03:30.150
>> yeah,
01:03:30.160 --> 01:03:32.950
>> wow, my lunch today was great. I had a
01:03:32.960 --> 01:03:35.589
great drive home. I'm so looking forward
01:03:35.599 --> 01:03:37.829
to going and watching my favorite show
01:03:37.839 --> 01:03:39.829
and having a great night's sleep as
01:03:39.839 --> 01:03:43.190
opposed to my drive home was dragging.
01:03:43.200 --> 01:03:45.430
All I could do was think. Now I'm at
01:03:45.440 --> 01:03:47.589
home in the quiet and all I can do is
01:03:47.599 --> 01:03:49.589
think. And now I have to go to bed and
01:03:49.599 --> 01:03:51.349
all I can do is think, you know.
01:03:51.359 --> 01:03:51.910
>> Yeah.
01:03:51.920 --> 01:03:54.230
>> So that's really the big part of
01:03:54.240 --> 01:03:56.870
everything that I'm doing really. It
01:03:56.880 --> 01:04:00.069
started out in a selfish way for me to
01:04:00.079 --> 01:04:03.510
on a daily basis put these videos out so
01:04:03.520 --> 01:04:06.069
when I was having moments I could look
01:04:06.079 --> 01:04:08.230
back and say, "Okay, call, you know,
01:04:08.240 --> 01:04:09.349
this is where we're at today.
01:04:09.359 --> 01:04:09.990
>> It's all good."
01:04:10.000 --> 01:04:10.950
>> Right. Exactly.
01:04:10.960 --> 01:04:11.670
>> Yeah.
01:04:11.680 --> 01:04:12.630
>> So that's great.
01:04:12.640 --> 01:04:14.230
>> Yeah. Then through that obviously
01:04:14.240 --> 01:04:15.589
stepped into what I was saying earlier
01:04:15.599 --> 01:04:17.270
where I always felt called to be of
01:04:17.280 --> 01:04:20.470
service to people. I realized wait
01:04:20.480 --> 01:04:23.109
this is more beneficial for me in terms
01:04:23.119 --> 01:04:25.829
of understanding myself and helping
01:04:25.839 --> 01:04:28.870
people understand themselves which you
01:04:28.880 --> 01:04:31.029
know obviously when you go through a
01:04:31.039 --> 01:04:34.069
traumatic life event or a loss you're in
01:04:34.079 --> 01:04:35.829
this place of wanting to reinvent
01:04:35.839 --> 01:04:37.750
yourself. For me I don't necessarily
01:04:37.760 --> 01:04:39.990
think it was a reinvention. It was more
01:04:40.000 --> 01:04:42.309
stepping into purpose that I was always
01:04:42.319 --> 01:04:44.390
avoiding, you know, that I never really
01:04:44.400 --> 01:04:46.069
wanted to step into.
01:04:46.079 --> 01:04:46.870
>> Um,
01:04:46.880 --> 01:04:47.270
>> yeah.
01:04:47.280 --> 01:04:48.470
>> So, yeah, daily content
01:04:48.480 --> 01:04:50.710
>> also very it's a very common it's a very
01:04:50.720 --> 01:04:52.309
common challenge I think many people
01:04:52.319 --> 01:04:54.870
have and very relatable. So,
01:04:54.880 --> 01:04:56.710
>> I commend you for all the work and all
01:04:56.720 --> 01:04:59.829
the research and
01:04:59.839 --> 01:05:02.230
it's really brave to step in. It's brave
01:05:02.240 --> 01:05:04.630
to put it out there publicly
01:05:04.640 --> 01:05:06.630
and
01:05:06.640 --> 01:05:09.990
every step like you said is a step in
01:05:10.000 --> 01:05:11.589
the right direction as a step forward
01:05:11.599 --> 01:05:13.109
and you're teaching your nervous system
01:05:13.119 --> 01:05:15.750
that it's safe to take each step.
01:05:15.760 --> 01:05:16.150
>> Absolutely.
01:05:16.160 --> 01:05:18.230
>> Even if it feels small, you're telling
01:05:18.240 --> 01:05:21.190
your body, look, I did this.
01:05:21.200 --> 01:05:23.990
>> It felt a little scary, but I did it and
01:05:24.000 --> 01:05:25.910
I'm okay. I'm safe.
01:05:25.920 --> 01:05:26.549
>> Yeah.
01:05:26.559 --> 01:05:29.029
>> Such great work. And yeah, I'm going to
01:05:29.039 --> 01:05:31.670
have all of your contact information,
01:05:31.680 --> 01:05:35.349
your Instagram, Facebook, Tik Tok, all
01:05:35.359 --> 01:05:38.230
of it in the show notes on YouTube,
01:05:38.240 --> 01:05:41.029
Apple Podcast, and Spotify. And you'll
01:05:41.039 --> 01:05:43.430
be in my Instagram as well when we
01:05:43.440 --> 01:05:45.829
feature the episode, so people can find
01:05:45.839 --> 01:05:48.630
you in all of those places. Thank you so
01:05:48.640 --> 01:05:51.910
much. This was wonderful and just
01:05:51.920 --> 01:05:54.069
inspiring. I think that there are a lot
01:05:54.079 --> 01:05:57.670
of people out there like you where you
01:05:57.680 --> 01:06:01.510
were before who have potential to step
01:06:01.520 --> 01:06:03.829
into their purpose and have a huge
01:06:03.839 --> 01:06:07.349
impact on others. And we're all just
01:06:07.359 --> 01:06:10.870
waiting for those people to have the
01:06:10.880 --> 01:06:11.589
courage,
01:06:11.599 --> 01:06:12.390
>> right,
01:06:12.400 --> 01:06:16.069
>> and to step into those roles so you can
01:06:16.079 --> 01:06:17.990
be out there inspiring all of those
01:06:18.000 --> 01:06:21.029
people to to take the first step. So, I
01:06:21.039 --> 01:06:22.549
appreciate you very much.
01:06:22.559 --> 01:06:24.630
>> Thank you so much. It's an honor to be
01:06:24.640 --> 01:06:27.029
the first man on the podcast. So, that's
01:06:27.039 --> 01:06:28.549
that's incredible. So, thank you for
01:06:28.559 --> 01:06:29.270
that.
01:06:29.280 --> 01:06:31.109
>> Great. Well, I wish you all the best of
01:06:31.119 --> 01:06:33.910
luck and you have to let me know when
01:06:33.920 --> 01:06:35.829
your book is actually is out there and
01:06:35.839 --> 01:06:38.870
published so that I can put it out on
01:06:38.880 --> 01:06:40.789
all of our social media, too. So,
01:06:40.799 --> 01:06:41.430
>> absolutely.
01:06:41.440 --> 01:06:43.750
>> Thank you so much, Colin. For anybody
01:06:43.760 --> 01:06:45.670
who's listening, check out the show
01:06:45.680 --> 01:06:47.750
notes for all of Colin's contact
01:06:47.760 --> 01:06:50.309
information. Thank you for listening in
01:06:50.319 --> 01:06:53.029
this week and we'll see you or talk to
01:06:53.039 --> 01:06:56.440
you next week.