This episode is a reading of the chapter Larry from Forest's memoir, A Trans Feminist's Past. The chapter is about how to be a good ally. As a leader, it's important to be able to be an advocate for people who have less privileged identities. If you are trans, you may find the content of this episode traumatic and should skip it.
A cis friend who I dated for a few months, posted a music video featuring a group of trans people on his social media profile. In the comments section, he asked me what I thought of the song. I watched the video while feeling like I was expending energy so he could feel like a good ally. I found the video a bit confusing, but I liked the song. I made a comment to him that it was beautiful (please don’t search for this, I don’t think he understands why this was a problem). At the same time, I felt like saying that this wasn’t how to be an ally, but I didn’t want to shame him on his social media, and I didn’t want to engage via a direct message.
The next morning, I woke up to a text from Larry about Aimee Stephens (the trans woman who was fired due to transgender discrimination that led to the recent supreme court ruling). His message felt patronizing.
I did a Duck Duck Go search for “Things an Ally Shouldn’t Do” and came upon an article by Jamie Utt that referenced Mia McKenzie’s book Black Girl Dangerous. They discussed how “ally” is not a noun, it’s a status. They repeated a concept I’ve heard before, that allies often respond to criticism from those they say they’re allied with by saying, “But I’m an ally.” This is also related to “white women’s tears,” which as a white woman I’m very sensitive to avoid.
Next, I dropped into a Discord server for Boston area trans folk, planning to pose the question to my trans community, asking how they feel about cis people sharing trans stories with them. As I caught up with messages on the server, I realized the answer was self-evident, and I didn’t need to stir up trauma my peers have felt due to cis people.
I replied to Larry’s message saying, “I feel like you’re being patronizing towards me. I feel like you consider me a charity case.”
He replied, “I’m an ally. That was a mass message. Jesus, get a grip!”
I hadn’t known it was a mass message, so I felt slightly bad. I blocked him, as I’m done with his drama. I know he has other trans friends that would have also gotten that message. In general, I hate mass messages. If I want to read about the things you care about, I want it to be opt-in. I want to go to your profile and read your stuff. It’s very rare that I find mass messages appropriate.
Larry used to date a trans man prior to dating me. He was closeted when they were dating. When he came out to Larry, Larry felt a need to support him. Larry told me he was happy his partner found his authentic self and so whenever he was with his partner, Larry would use he/him pronouns, even in public, thus outing his partner multiple times. Larry’s partner told him how awful and unsafe it was to be outed by Larry. I met Larry after this relationship had self-destructed. He told me this story in confidence and that he had come to realize he was making his former partner’s gender about himself and that was wrong. When Larry told me this, we were dating, and I was already out publicly. I wasn’t afraid he might make a mistake with me, but I did worry about him making a mistake with my friends and family. I think Larry has probably become better about this, but he has a lot more work to do in order to be a good ally.
If you want to be a good ally you need to be a good listener. It’s okay to talk about the issues of those with whom you are an ally, but ideally, you are quoting them or giving them a microphone. Allyship is about acknowledging our privilege and using that privilege to amplify the voices of those without our privilege.
Be careful about talking to those you are allied with about the issues they face. As was the case with Larry that morning, it can come across as condescending. It also has the potential of retraumatizing people. I feel bad for all the trans people Larry is friends with that got that message. I shouldn’t have to tell him it was problematic, and he shouldn’t have defended himself by saying he’s an ally. If somebody asked me how I feel about the President’s latest attacks on trans people, or about the murder of a trans woman, I’m going to have to relive how I feel about these events. Ask me how I’m feeling, but please don’t repeat bad news for trans people that I may (or may not) be aware of.
I am sure I personally make lots of mistakes when trying to be an ally. I apologize to those who I’ve hurt with those mistakes. It’s on me to try to learn how not to make those mistakes.
Larry eventually e-mailed an apology. He hoped that we might try and be friends again. He mentioned that he and his family have been enjoying a video game to which Simon had introduced them. I told him I’m open to trying to get coffee and potentially revisit friendship after the pandemic ends.
A cis friend who I dated for a few months, posted a music video featuring a group of trans people on his social media profile. In the comments section, he asked me what I thought of the song. I watched the video while feeling like I was expending energy so he could feel like a good ally. I found the video a bit confusing, but I liked the song. I made a comment to him that it was beautiful (please don’t search for this, I don’t think he understands why this was a problem). At the same time, I felt like saying that this wasn’t how to be an ally, but I didn’t want to shame him on his social media, and I didn’t want to engage via a direct message.
The next morning, I woke up to a text from Larry about Aimee Stephens (the trans woman who was fired due to transgender discrimination that led to the recent supreme court ruling). His message felt patronizing.
I did a Duck Duck Go search for “Things an Ally Shouldn’t Do” and came upon an article by Jamie Utt that referenced Mia McKenzie’s book Black Girl Dangerous. They discussed how “ally” is not a noun, it’s a status. They repeated a concept I’ve heard before, that allies often respond to criticism from those they say they’re allied with by saying, “But I’m an ally.” This is also related to “white women’s tears,” which as a white woman I’m very sensitive to avoid.
Next, I dropped into a Discord server for Boston area trans folk, planning to pose the question to my trans community, asking how they feel about cis people sharing trans stories with them. As I caught up with messages on the server, I realized the answer was self-evident, and I didn’t need to stir up trauma my peers have felt due to cis people.
I replied to Larry’s message saying, “I feel like you’re being patronizing towards me. I feel like you consider me a charity case.”
He replied, “I’m an ally. That was a mass message. Jesus, get a grip!”
I hadn’t known it was a mass message, so I felt slightly bad. I blocked him, as I’m done with his drama. I know he has other trans friends that would have also gotten that message. In general, I hate mass messages. If I want to read about the things you care about, I want it to be opt-in. I want to go to your profile and read your stuff. It’s very rare that I find mass messages appropriate.
Larry used to date a trans man prior to dating me. He was closeted when they were dating. When he came out to Larry, Larry felt a need to support him. Larry told me he was happy his partner found his authentic self and so whenever he was with his partner, Larry would use he/him pronouns, even in public, thus outing his partner multiple times. Larry’s partner told him how awful and unsafe it was to be outed by Larry. I met Larry after this relationship had self-destructed. He told me this story in confidence and that he had come to realize he was making his former partner’s gender about himself and that was wrong. When Larry told me this, we were dating, and I was already out publicly. I wasn’t afraid he might make a mistake with me, but I did worry about him making a mistake with my friends and family. I think Larry has probably become better about this, but he has a lot more work to do in order to be a good ally.
If you want to be a good ally you need to be a good listener. It’s okay to talk about the issues of those with whom you are an ally, but ideally, you are quoting them or giving them a microphone. Allyship is about acknowledging our privilege and using that privilege to amplify the voices of those without our privilege.
Be careful about talking to those you are allied with about the issues they face. As was the case with Larry that morning, it can come across as condescending. It also has the potential of retraumatizing people. I feel bad for all the trans people Larry is friends with that got that message. I shouldn’t have to tell him it was problematic, and he shouldn’t have defended himself by saying he’s an ally. If somebody asked me how I feel about the President’s latest attacks on trans people, or about the murder of a trans woman, I’m going to have to relive how I feel about these events. Ask me how I’m feeling, but please don’t repeat bad news for trans people that I may (or may not) be aware of.
I am sure I personally make lots of mistakes when trying to be an ally. I apologize to those who I’ve hurt with those mistakes. It’s on me to try to learn how not to make those mistakes.
Larry eventually e-mailed an apology. He hoped that we might try and be friends again. He mentioned that he and his family have been enjoying a video game to which Simon had introduced them. I told him I’m open to trying to get coffee and potentially revisit friendship after the pandemic ends.
