Sorry I'm the Lore - Licensed Yapper - EP.020

Taliyah Goings: Hey guys, it's Talia Janay and welcome back to the Lice and Jeffrey Podcast. What's good everybody? Hope y'all had a good week to the normal scheduled programming. This week I kinda wanted to be a little bit of a girl chatty kind of situation. Hey, if there's any guys out there, welcome to the girl chat. But I want there to be but I really wanted to do a little bit of a girl chat because again it's one of those weeks where nothing crazy really happened, but just a lot of thoughts and a lot of It's a lot of thoughts and a lot of like sitting back, self analyzing. But but ⁓ yeah. ⁓ a lot of you know, taking myself or sec stepping back a little bit and analyzing myself a little bit and seeing where I can handle things better and do things better. So that's kinda what this chat's gonna be about. But a little bit of that going on this week and then just I just wanna chat with you guys, tell you about what's been going on, nothing crazy or dramatic, but a lot of things I've just been thinking about just as a woman, a girl, girlhood, womanhood, stuff we go through and just thoughts that have been kinda going through my brain or certain things or certain tweets or anything that kind of, you know, sparked a little bit of a talking topic to me. I just want to come here and chat with y'all on this beautiful Monday morning. First, I kind of wanna address my last podcast because you know I went through a lot like two weeks ago I guess. ⁓ I went through a lot and I feel like I when I express my emotions sometimes okay, let me say how this kind of started off. My mom called me was like, Hey, like I listened to your podcast and like, you know, it was good as usual. But like I, you know, sometimes like Sometimes I guess to be ⁓ a little bit more discreet when I'm telling about things that are happening in my life because like I don't wanna make anybody uncomfortable or make anybody feel like, yo, it's Lisa's gonna come over here and talk about me. Like that's not that's not the energy I wanna give off. You know, she my mom always tells me to speak my truth, you know, speak my mind, get my opinions, get my thoughts out there. But ⁓ not that I not that she thought I handled it in a bad way, because I wasn't like bad mouthing anybody, but she thought I could have been just slightly more discreet. And I guess I just want to come out with a disclaimer to just be like, yo, I'm not about to sit here and talk about like I'm not I don't come on here to blast anybody or to out people or that's not my intention at all. I think for me This is like therapy. And I don't know if any nobody's probably thinking this, but my mom put it in my brain and it kinda did kind of make me realize, yo, I don't wanna come off like, yo, my cross to Leah's just gonna put me on her podcast. Dang, so don't talk about me. That's not the vibe I wanna give off. I just think like I'm someone who feels very strongly about people that I care about. Last week I talked about how like in my brain I have like a list of like the people that I care about and like I want to do every I want to do what I can for that person to make them feel like that they're seen, that they're heard by me, that they're being that they can vocalize, that they're being understood by me. I just really care about the my people and how I make them feel and how they make me feel. And you know, and sometimes when, you know, people that I care about hurt me a little bit, I feel it a lot, you know, I Hates. You know, I don't want to call myself sensitive, but I am. I'm a sensitive person when it comes to the people I care about. I think we all are. I think it hits me hard. I feel things strongly. And sometimes I do speak before I before thinking, or you know, whatever comes to my brain, I just say it. Sometimes it doesn't even come to my brain. I just start talking. and I never want it to come off like I'm outing people or blasting people ever. I just want to speak my truth and talk about. what the things that are going on, things that are happening, how I'm feeling. Cause like I said earlier, it is like therapy for me. And it feels like, you know, I can just talk and like but it's great to have people be like, you know, maybe not give as much information, be a little bit more discreet, which is fine. I think, you know, I never want to come off. I want to I want to do this podcast because I want to be as open and honest as possible and I feel like I've done that since the first episode. ⁓ this is my twentieth episode. Whoa. Hold on, I just realized that. Whoa, that's crazy. Twenty two two ⁓ I don't know. Twenty episodes, yeah. That's crazy. Wow, congrats, Thulia. Yeah, yeah, clearers we make it this far. Twenty episodes. Twenty weeks of this. ⁓ Wow, that's cool. I don't have anything crazy planned. I think next episode, pause on what was talking about, but I think next episode I'm gonna have my girls on. So I'm excited for that. But like I was saying earlier, like ⁓ again, I get sidetracked. But I come on here to speak my truth, and I will be honest. I've been honest since the first episode. I will be honest for as long as I do this. ⁓ I do think, you know, I could probably pull back certain details and not share as much, but I like to be honest. I feel like I just like to be like truthful. But I can be truthful in a way, also tell my truth, but then also not like make it come off that I'm like talking ish about people on here. You feel me? Like that's not my goal. That's not my intention. I'm not here to it's isn't this isn't like a gossip podcast. It's just to talk about how I'm feeling, what's going on in my life. And so yeah, should be realized that a little bit. ⁓ I was really angry. Well I wasn't angry in that podcast, but I had a lot of still built up emotions. I still have emotions towards the situation that I went through. And it's a lot of ⁓ I think I spoke about this in the last podcast. It's it's it's a lot of like ⁓ anger, which is weird. I'm not really I'm not an angry person, like ever. And I think when I was just speaking out of just pure hurt and then just anger and just so upset, you know. And I think And I don't know, I think I just said a lot, probably more details than I needed to, but you know, that's what happens when you're speaking freely, openly, honestly. Yeah things come out that probably shouldn't have or could have been a little bit, you know, received or or said a little bit softer. That's always my intention. So I don't want anybody to feel like scared to have conversation with me or anything. That's not my intention. So I don't know if anybody was thinking that, but sorry. Some you know, sometimes me and my friends do joke like, dang, this like when something happens, we're like, and this is gonna be talked about on the podcast. We do joke about that because it is funny, but I it's never my intention to like talk crap about people. I just want talk about my experience and like lead it into a topic of what whatever happened to me happened. So I just wanted to say that to start off because even though sometimes like when you get feedback And sometimes from your parents is the hardest to hear. You're just like, I don't want to hear it. I did sit back and I like, Yo, you know, she's kinda right. So but yeah, but like I was saying, like I feel so strongly for the people I care about. And like, you know, sometimes those emotions take over and ⁓ You know, sometimes you know, and what's weird is because in this situation, like I said like I said before, I I don't think I was like I I'm not really sad about the situation. I'm usually like sad and like hurt and like crying over certain things, especially when it has to do with friendships or my family or anything like that. But in this specific situation, it was like it wasn't even like tears wasn't A sad emotion never came. It was I think it came for point one second. One second. Point one? What is that? I don't know. Like it came for like one second, two minutes. I think I shed like two tears days before the event happened. Cause it was just sad to me. And then I wiped those tears away and I was and then after it happened, when it did happen, and then after just pure anger. And I've never been an angry I'm not an angry person. Nobody would describe me as an angry, mean person. Like that's just not in my DNA. Well, I can get mad, but that's not like in my that's not like my personality. You can get me there for sure. But like that's not me. And I felt so mad. And I think I just left I like and I I wasn't even mad on that podcast. I was way more mad in real life. Like I anytime I got brought up, I was upset. I'd be sitting at home thinking about it. I'd be mad. I'd see something on Facebook that reminded me of it. I was mad. Like I just was really mad, a lot of anger. But now it's been like a week, two weeks since then, and to be honest with you, I feel the anger's still there. I think any time I think about it I get annoyed. It's more or less anger more very annoyed. I think that's what it is. Highly, highly irritated and frustrated. But The anger's kind of simmered. It can definitely be you know, that water can definitely be boiled up a little bit more. You know, something crazy happens when something d crazy did happen but I don't know if I should talk to I don't know if I should talk about it, but something did happen. And that blew me, bro. When people blow you, like, okay, that's something I want to talk about. Like, yo, when people like play in your face, like 'cause it's like, one, it's either you think I'm not gonna do anything about it, or two, you know I'm gonna do you're you know I will do something about it, and you're waiting for a reaction. I don't like that. 'Cause I feel like you're like you're prodding me, you're picking me, and you're you're poking me, you're trying to get me to erupt, you're trying to get me to lose my head and I and like The fact that you want that so badly, I'm not gonna give it to you. Or it's like, if you don't think that it's like why do you think you can like play with me like this? Like I just hate when people don't you just hate when people that like did you dirty? expect you not to act or behave like they did you dirty. Like that I saw TikTok like that. The TikTok was like it was just basically being like when you have like that person that you used to be close with or like that friend or that relationship and like they like to act like nothing happened. Like yo, that is one thing I I I have not inherited was being fake. I can't do that. Like my before I even open my mouth, my emotions are written all over my body. I can't hide it. I've been trying to hide it since I was a kid. I just remember I've always had people be like, Tlee, are you good? We're cooling over there, it's chilling. Like you can just tell when I'm upset. And like to have like people that know like did you dirty or like know that like you're not cool with them no more, like play in your face and like act like or try to see or try to fill you out. Babe, don't try to fill me out. You know how I feel. Like I hate that. And that happened a little bit last week and it irritated irritated me so much and it kind of brought up all those emotions again. But since then I've been cooling, I've been chilling. Like we don't really bring up those names in my circle. Like they are done for. We don't bring them up unless they do something weird. Like other than that, we don't talk about them. It's kinda like don't talk about Bruno Babe. Like we do not. And I think it's just thing of just like You have to be okay. And I I think I also realized that in that in this specific situation or in any situation, people will see you as the villain in their story. People, even if they're in the wrong, majority of the time, they will still see you as the villain in their story. And you have to be okay with that. You you you gotta be okay with that. And that was hard for me to realize because I I'm not saying like I have a reputation. But I feel like anybody who comes across me I just personally feel like there's nothing nobody that I've ever met can say that's like, ooh, Tali was like this towards me. Tali gave me ch I am cool and friendly to everybody, bro. Like I'm not best friends or everybody, but I I give you give me respect, I give you respect. If the energy's cool, I always give good energy. I feel like nobody can like say there's not nobody on this planet that can be like, yeah, Taliyah was a total like mean girl to me, like that's never happened. It's just not it's just not happened. That's just not the person that I am or come across to people ever. And I just feel like if people that especially when you're so close with those people, it's always the people that you're closest with. And they want to like switch up the situation and make you seem like the bad guy, the villain in their story, you gotta be okay with that. And I had to realize that and I hate that because like I said, I don't like that like They might be running around saying stuff about me that's not true. Or so like other people have this a pr this impression on me, which is whack. And I hate that. Like for me it was like my lasting impression. I don't want these people that we were all surrounded by now to look at me weird because I'm not gonna speak on anything because I just feel like it's done and over with. I don't need to bore anybody with this, but like I know that like that person can't wait to talk about it, or like if it gets brought up, they're gonna not say the truth. And that annoys me because like Don't paint me out as anybody that I'm not. Like I'm not cool with that. And I was like, you know what? I could be okay with it. It was irritating me because I was like, yo, people are gonna think that like I trippin' or I tripped out or like something or I just blew up and I didn't. And you know what? You gotta be okay with. That is just how that they now portray you or see you. And even though it irritates me so much because I genuinely never want to make anybody feel less than like or that like I I attacked them or that I I'm aggressive or anything like that. So when I feel like that is the portrayal that's being portrayed of me, it irritates me because it's like that's not me. And like even though I'm so off of the like caring what people think, I think it's also you cannot care what people think, but then also care about your reputation, so to speak. Don't sit over here and try to like say that I'm like, I hate that. And you know what? You gotta be okay with it. And that's what I think I had to come to closure with. And that's probably one of the things I did come to closure with with that situation. I had to realize, yo They're gonna villainize me or they're not or not even villainize could be a strong word, but they're gonna vocalize and say things about me that probably aren't true. And even though that irritates me, I have to be okay with it. Because I know that I did everything in my power to fix a situation, to come up as a good person, to be a good friend, to and when you're content with that with yourself and you know that like you did everything you can in that situation, you did everything you can to fix that, to to not make it messy and it ends up that way anyway. Do you have a step back and say, you know what, I did my part. If it ends that way, I hate it and it sucks. But that's I you have to be okay with that. And I had to get over that hump. That was really something that was ir that was like bothering me. But I had to realize, you know what, that's that's their that's their truth. Truth I'm using the word truth lightly. Like I we're using it very lightly. But that's their truth. Okay. And that's just what it's gonna be. I hate that, but I also know that they know in the back of their ma in the back of their minds that I've always been a good person and I've always been a good friend or I've always been a good a good energy to be around and I've always treated everybody with the utmost respect. And at the end of the day they truly know that. They know that about my character. And that's I think that's also the my character's very important to me. And 'cause I think it's very like Even though you should care what people think about you, the your lasting impression is very important. The impression, your last your first impression and your lasting impression is very important. You know, people remember that. You remember you might not remember every situation about a person, but there's always like one thing that you'll always remember, and that's either their first impression or their lasting impression of you. And you will have that thought about that person for the rest of your life if you never come across that person again forever. And I never want anybody to have a nasty taste in their mouth about me. ever. And like I think that's like the and I think that's just me being self-aware and like not wanting anybody to have a bad experience with me or a bad interaction. Like that's never the case. And like I want people to think about and especially people that like I used to be close with or anybody that I came across, I want them to think of back on their time with me in a positive light. Like I don't ever want to be, like I said, a bad taste in anybody's mouth or like a bad memory, you know? I think I I don't ever want to be that. And so, you know, you gotta okay with being a villain of people's people's stories. If that's how they wanna portray, that's how they're gonna portray, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. There just isn't. And I have to be okay with that. And when I became okay with that, which I feel like this week I became okay with that, it still irritates me to think about it, but I know it's fine, it's it is what it is. But I think it's steps. I think after s after you know things that happen, people will expect you to move on so fast. I'm not I wouldn't say I hold a grudge, but your name, your presence will irritate me for a hot minute. And that minute, maybe for a week, a month, two months or a year. Like it'll but I don't let it consume me. ⁓ so but we're working. on the path to closing that chapter. The chapter's closed fully, but we're you know, we gotta grow as a person. And ⁓ yeah. As someone who like feels very deeply for things, I gotta like really get out all my emotions, go through all the emotions and go on like you know what I'm feeling. So yeah, that's something I really wanted to like say because I think that's like That was like something that really stuck out to me when I watched that TikTok and I was like, yo, this is really pertaining to the situation that I went through. And I thought that was very helpful. And I thought, like, why not share that message? Because I think, you know, it's real. Like it's so real. And that and we have that too. There's people, you know, in your life or in my life, that I might see probably again villain, use the word villain like loosely, but I might see as like whack. Ooh, that person is so wagged out for I my favorite word right now is weird and strange. That person's weird, that person's strange. You know, and to me, that situation, I think those people are weird and strange. And you might think whatever happened to you is those people are weird and strange. Those are like my favorite two words, describe people, but like, you know, we might have that as well. But it like matters to me if I'm not for someone else, but I have to realize there's nothing I can do about it. My notes are clean from it, and at least I know I handled it the way I could have. Then that's just all that matters. Something else that I've realized a lot, especially with like being in the stage of life that I'm at right now. I feel like this is a this is a this is like a cooking season for me. I think things are happening. Things are happening behind the scenes, things are happening up there with the big man upstairs, with Jesus himself. I just feel like my life is in a transition period. ⁓ but I've realized that. As you get older, even when you're younger, they you know a lot of older people tell you this, but especially when you, you know, you're in your 20s, especially your early 20s, and you're learning and you're meeting new people and you're having so many new experiences, the environment you surround yourself with is very, very important. And environment can mean physical, it could be your bedroom, if your bedroom's a mess, it could be that, it could be where you're living, okay. It could be your friends, your family, who you surround yourself around, the places you go, your environment is very is very important. And I feel like I have built a really good environment around you. But I feel like the people that I have around me, solid. Love them. You know, we go through, you know, there's things you it'll never be. you know, straight, easy, straight shoot all the time. But the people that I have around me, I love my family, I love the where my life is going, I love, you know, and that's very important. If your room's a mess and you're living in that every day, you know, you're gonna start feeling a mess. You're gonna start feeling sad. You're gonna start feeling depressed. You know, if if your friend group is just caddy, you're gonna become caddy. that's the environment you surround yourself with, you're gonna become who you know, birds who birds of a feather flock, you know, birds of a feather flock together, you know, that's true. Like who your environment is very important and it's very it's very important to your growth as a person and the person you start becoming. and like I just like look out and like think about the people that I surround myself with and the places that we decide to go to or whatever and I love it. I love it. I think my environment is gonna get, you know, it's gonna expand, it's gonna get better, it's gonna shift. You know, the town I live in I don't love. I live in a good town, but would I rather be somewhere else? 100%. But I think as growth happens, your environment shifts and your environment and your environment's gonna go through a bunch of different changes. That's normal. You know, people are gonna come and go. People where you decide to go to are g is gonna change. Like you may be like, yo, I used to hang out. Over here, but now that's not my vibe anymore. I'm I'm more of this and everything's gonna change, but it's very important to keep your environment steady, straight, clean physically and mentally, yo. Like I think, and this also kind of goes into what I also was thinking about this week. I think a lot of people, especially when I say mentally clean, I feel like a lot of people don't take like your mental seriously. Like I just I just was like watching a lot of stuff and I was like, you could really fall off the train if this isn't okay. And you know, like if you start thinking certain things, then that's just that's how your actions become. And I think I don't think we realize like our brain is strong. To me, one of the s our mental you always something we should be playing with. And like what your environment is can affect your mental. And like I don't think we take care of ourselves the way we need to. Like sometimes like when I'm in a bad space mentally or I'm just not not even a bad a bad space necessarily, but when I'm not Talia times two and I'm just like me to the fullest, I can feel that in myself that I'm not myself. We all know when we're not ourselves, and that's because up here's not clean. We're not taking care of that mental and you know, for me, like I said, I do I said this before, but I love spending time alone. I feel like me spending time by myself is a blessing and a curse. It's I love it because I love sitting with myself. I enjoy my own company. I think I'm fun. I think my thoughts are hilarious. I enjoy my own laugh. Like I really enjoy my own presence, but it also is a time for me to really like think about who I am as a person. How and do I like who I am as a person? Am I doing the things I want to do in life? How do I get there? It helps me process those things. And I think taking time alone is so important and it helps your mental. I think also goes back to your environment because also who you surround yourself. If you surround yourself with a bunch of people who are just negative all the time and who hate their lives, misery loves company, babe. You know, it's that's why it's important to have a good environment, have a good circle. Because people who don't love themselves and there's more out there than you think. And and you might think it's not the people in your in your circle, y'all. People that don't love themselves are undercover. They they don't it's it's either one or two things. They show they can show obviously that they really don't like love themselves, or they hide it really well. I was someone back in the day when I didn't love myself, I hid it very well. But those people are might be in your circle. There might be your coworkers. They there might be your boss. I'm telling you, it when you don't love yourself and you vocalize it and that's the people you surround yourself with, all those things you may not think it doesn't affect you, but it does. It does affect you. And like I'm all about helping one another and like making my friends feel on top of the world and that they Are worthy of everything in life. But if you don't believe it yourself, then that's not gonna happen. That's not gonna work. But if you surround yourself with people who speak into you, speak positive into you, speak light into you, because that environment is so important, that can get you out of that too. But at the same time, you gotta do it yourself. Like I think spending time with yourself is so important for your mental being. Like I go to lunches by myself sometimes. I'll sit at the bar, eat a lunch. Like it's just that's just so important. And then I feel like when I get in my environment, that's me giving back to my environment because I am a better person. I I'm my b I'm my better self. So then the people that I surround myself around, the places that I go can see some light in me or can see a positive in me, can see they see that, you know. When I think about the people I surround myself with, I can see confidence from all of them. You know, and we all talk so deeply with each other that like if there is a problem, we're gonna vocalize it a hundred percent. But I do know that like because of the people I surround myself with and like how they speak and how they think of themselves and what they want for themselves, that also they're also breathing that light into me, which strengthens how I feel about myself. Cause it's like And then it I pour that back into them. You know what I mean? I don't know if that makes sense, but it's like a cycle. It's a cycle. And that's very, very important. Like I think and I realized and when I realized like, yo, I have a really good environment. There's some things I would love to shift and there's things that are changing and I'm excited for those changes. But when I look at it from an outside perspective, I have a solid environment. You know, I'm very blessed and I'm very blessed and ⁓ I'm very blessed and ⁓ what's the word? Privileged. I'm very blessed and privileged to have that. Not a lot of people have that. Like and I recognize that. And when you can recognize that this is something that's rare, you know, then that's a good thing and you know where you're at. But like that's hard. It's also hard. You know, dude. I had so many times where I felt just out of it and I didn't have an environment. So it's definitely a time thing, but you also have to work on it. You know, if you're not putting energy into people, then they're not gonna put energy back into you. It has to be a one a two-way street. Again, it's a cycle. So I think that's very important. And I took a step back and I realized that and I was like, yo, I I'm doing pretty well for myself right now. You know, there's so many things I can do better, yeah. But I think my mental is good. I think the people I have surrounded myself around, I love. My environment I love where I see my life going, I love, you know, there are some pitfalls and not everything's good, not everything's perfect, there's ebbs and flows. But I'm very privileged and blessed to say that. So I think we need to realize that and really take care of our mental health. And like that's so important. Ooh, it's so, so, so important. And I think also like with me saying how much I love being alone and like like I said, I take myself out on dinners. on lunch, not really dinners, but like I take myself out on lunches, I spend time with myself, I get little sweet treats with myself. I think that's also a form of like dating yourself, like really getting to know who you are. Like I think that is so important. Please start dating yourself. I think especially if your goal or something that you sh that you want and that you crave is a relationship. If you don't have like I've said this so many times, if you don't have that initial love for yourself, it's not gonna happen. And I think you should date yourself before then. You really find yourself, you really find the person you are, who you wanna be, and you start working to become that person and you start cherishing yourself and realizing, yo, I'm very cool. And that's not cocky to say, like and I'm not that's not boasting, that's realizing certain things about yourself and appreciating them and How can somebody else appreciate those things about you if you don't appreciate it about yourself? You know, I think going out and dating yourself is very, very, very important. Learning who you are is very important. And I have to say, like, I think when I was younger, I'm 24, but I think when I was younger, I really, really wanted a relationship. But I think it's just because of like feeling unwanted by like guys that I went to school with. So just like want to experience that and I feel like every girl, every person wants to experience ⁓ care from another person, you know what I mean? And I think now I'm more like yo, like I I'm more of the mindset of like, it'd be cool it'd be cool to like if I was dating someone if I had a boyfriend. But is it something I am like, ooh, I want so bad? Not really. Like I feel like I don't know, I feel like I'm so Talia focused and I'm so like my friend focused. Like one of my friends said this earlier at lunch. She was or one of my friends said this earlier at dinner and she said, like spending time with my friends is like up here. Spending time with like I'm do is like here. Like that's just not where my mind is at right now. Like I'm a girl, I'm a woman at the end of the day, so like yeah, like male attention is fun. Duh, it's fun, it's very entertaining, it makes you feel good about yourself. Like it's a good thing. It's it's a nice feeling. But I feel like I'm so like not interested. And like I don't know what it is. Like I don't know what like I think it's just like I it's not a priority for me that as it was when I was younger. It's not something that like I'm like striving for. I think if it comes, it comes. Like If it appears, it appears, you know. And I like flirting. I think that's fun. I love conversating with a nice looking man. But I'm not forcing anything. I think I personally think my man is two things. I think I've said this on this podcast. I think I'm gonna either gonna be a wag and he's gonna be like a professional athlete, preferably basketball. Or I think my man's like foreign. I don't think he's from the States. I think he's probably like from another country. He probably lives in the States, but he's not from here. He didn't grow up here. He just lives here type vibe. Like I just feel like that's who my person is. And I also like want someone so like I also like want a man who's not only either you know, can make me a wag or someone who's foreign, but I want someone extremely creative, extremely someone who really thinks out the box, someone really in a different career. Like I just feel like I'm gonna be with someone who I don't really see a lot in my area. He's probably here, I just haven't found him yet. I don't think he's here. I don't think my person's here. And I think also because I don't think my person's here, I don't care. Cause I know like my my man's not here. I feel like he's somewhere else. And I need to go. to get out of here to go find him. Like and I'm also not on the lookout. Like I don't got binoculars out like looking for men. I think I'm just so focused on me, my friends, my life that like a man is just not my priority. And that's why I say date yourself. Like okay, I'm not getting asked out on a date. I'll take myself out on a date. Shoot. Who said I can't do that? Like you know you know like Doing those small things for myself. And I think it's also like men are just irritating. Like men are really irritating. But I'm also like, you know, I don't want to generalize because everybody's different. But it's just not a priority for me. And again, like I said, very entertaining. A girl likes to flirt. You know, I like a good-looking man that's interested in me. Duh, I'll take it. You know, I like the attention. Every woman does. But I it's not something that I'm like, all right, I need to find someone, like, let me be on the lookout. Like, nah, like it's really not that important to me. I'd rather I feel like I'd rather not even have like a boyfriend. I'd rather just have like a like companion isn't the right word. But just like someone that I vibe with and that we eat food with and that I can like eat a bunch of food with that's good looking with that one. Like I feel like that's the vibe I'm on. Like I would love that. I just don't know if I'm in like so interested in a relationship right now. I just don't know if that's like my vibe. But a girl never says no to a date. I learned that from my friends. If you could ask go, you know, but is that my am I like ⁓ am I so I guess I'm not like seriously dating. And I think I also, yo, I wanna speak about this too. Speaking of dating, I got so far from the whole dating to marry thing. I feel like that's such and I think like, you know, being a Christian and being going to church and being a small group, that's like a mindset that's very much pushed, dating to marry. And I feel like I feel like I'm like I agree with that, but also I feel like I'm not I also don't agree with that. I agree with it because I feel like I don't want to waste my time. I'm not gonna be with someone I don't see I could possibly see a future with because I think you don't know if you could this someone you can marry off right. Off rip, like you don't know that. But I think like dating with the with the possibilities, right? And like having the same mindset, that to me can lead to marriage. So dating too married things can lead to marriage, but I'm not gonna date you with the thought of like you can be my husband. Pause, absolutely not, but with the with the thought of it could possibly lead there, sure. But I'm not like thinking this is my future husband. Like I think going into any relationship with that with that pressure is a lot. Cause like that means you look at everybody you date as a p up your your possible husband or your possible wife. Why? You know? I feel like that's a lot. I think it could I'm dating so it could lead to marriage, I guess sure, but dating two married, I don't know, bro. I also just think like I think it's I also just think like it's fine to just date. Like I'm not saying like sleep around or hey and but hey but if that's your thing go ahead do your thing but like that's not the time that I'm on at all but I think like you can just like we're so young though like we can just date and like find out what you like. I think that's what's so important about dating. I think that's that's what dating is. It's to find out what you like, what you're interested in. And doing that, like I think like I said earlier, I just want somebody I can go and eat a bunch of food with and just chat with who's good looking. I don't really want to be his girlfriend. And that might change. I think when you're around a certain person and someone can make you want to date them. You know, I think that's special. When like you're not coming into anything looking for anything and it kind of leads there, that's nice. But like I don't think it can it has to be that deep. Like me and a friend disagreed about that one time because she was just like, No, I see this man as possibly my husband. I was like, You just met him. Like what do you mean? Like to me that's just like you're jumping the gun for what? Like and also also I think for me, I also think that way because marriage is not a priority either of mine at all and like being a wife isn't like I think it'd be so cute to have a ring on my finger just 'cause it's cute. But do I really want that? No. Like like I speak about all the time how like everybody in my area, everybody went to high school that I feel like are already kids just moved in with their husband, have a husband, married, like love that for them, but it's just not what I see for myself. Like, I don't think I'll get married anytime soon. Like, I think I'll get married either like at this point. thirties probably late late twenties like I'm talking like twenty eight, twenty nine or like thirty, thirty one. I feel like I just feel like that's not a priority of mine and like that's not what I want. Don't get me tw don't get it twisted though. Like if I decide to like just date someone and we're just dating and then that leads to boyfriend, girlfriend, cool. Keep ⁓ I but you can't just like show slum me like two, three years. Like that's crazy. Like I at that point I would expect something out of it, but like I'm not like pushing for it. It's not a big priority of mine. Like being a wife to me does not sound appealing in this moment. Neither does like being a mom. Like, do I want to be a mom? Yes. Do I want, you know, to have kids? Yes. But is that something that I'm like ever dream about? No. At all. I like cringe. I like not cringe. Cringe is the wrong word. I like ew tense up when I see like someone I used to know just pops out a baby. I'm like, ooh, good luck, girl. Like it's just that to me that's just not where my life is where I see it happening. Like I probably in the next 10 years. People say five years or stuff, ten. Fifteen probably. I don't five. Like it's just like like of course I want to be a mom and I want to experience motherhood. But I have zero interest in it now. Like it never really comes across my brain ever of like wanting a baby ever. And I think people kinda judge women like me who think like that. But I think again I'm just so me focused, career focused on where I want to go in life that that's I don't for me, for where I wanna go, I feel like that would stop me and that would put like a like a pause on things. And I don't want to pause for anything. And I think it's fine. You know, I think that's honestly very mature of me to be like, yo, that's not something I want or want to sacrifice. I wanna be selfish right now. So I'm not gonna have a kid and then what, not be there for that kid fully because I wanna go do me. Nah. Do you know what I mean? Like those parents in the movies that has a kid and they're like, you know what? I should have tried Broadway. I'm gonna leave my kid with my with my mother and I'm gonna go try and be making on Broadway. Like, no, that's whack. You see what I'm saying? Like I would rather have that when I'm ready, even if it's later than all my friends, even if like yo, when me and all my friends have kids, my kids are the youngest because I waited so long to have them, I don't care. You know, I think it's important and I think it's rare for women like me who, you know, being married, being a wife, being a mom is not in my eyesight or back of that eyesight. Like it's just non thought. And I think people kinda judge us a little bit, but I think it's I think it's just not what I want for myself right now. You know, I want to be selfish and I want to do things for me, and not even just do things for me, but yo, like waking up with no children is fun. I'm not envious of anybody who has one. You know what I mean? Like it's a blessing one hundred percent, but I think you should do it when you're ready, and I'm not ready, so I don't want it. Like it's just not a priority for me, but I don't know. Yeah. But yeah, guys. Those are just thoughts that are running through Tilina's brain. I think they all kinda connect. I think they all kinda connect and it was cohesive and I hope you guys listen to this and you you know, you gain something from it or you just learn something about me. You know, I don't think you have to watch or listen to gain anything. You can just like listen and you know, think about my perspective on things and like I appreciate you guys for listening every week. Like that's a that means a lot to me and like I really appreciate that. ⁓ also I do want to mention Love Island has ended. What am I gonna do with my life? I am terrified. Like I or that sucks. Like I Love Island comes on every day, you know. And the fact that it's over kills me. But it's fine. It's fine. We're chilling. I think they said Love Island Games is not gonna come on in like September like it usually does. It's gonna be like next year, early next year. I don't like that. And then I also heard that they're gonna force that like the reason why we're not seeing like a lot of like the islanders on our feeds like we did last season and like doing them doing like a press tour is because they're still in contract and they all possibly have to do Beyond the Villa next season. Like they have to, it's not a choice. Which I think honestly is smart for the network because 'cause Beyond the Villa's only two weeks, I'm pretty sure. But I think it's smart for the network because, you know, last season it was a bunch of side characters. Let's be honest, we don't really care. And then first season we got big players, so we didn't get all the big players. So I think putting it in the contracts from here on out that you have to go on Beyond the Villa, I think, you know, that's smart. You know, the Islanders, you know, it's two weeks out of your time. They have all these different opportunities, so it might affect some of those things, but yo, I feel like it what's for you will be for you. You feel me? So I think they're gonna do that. And then Love Love Island Games probably gonna come out early next year. I'm not really sure. But I need something to feed my soul. So we're gonna find some other reality shows to talk about, to chit chat about, and we'll hop on that and we'll bring back the reality recaps. I've been slacking. But yeah guys ⁓ and Brittany and Trinity tr Brittany Trinity and Brit Trinity and Bryce won. I knew they were gonna win. Y'all knew they were gonna win. Like that's just a couple that I see being together for a long time, forever. I don't know, 'cause like that's a lot of pressure. But do I think they'll be together for a hot minute? Yeah. I think they really love each other and I see that going really far and I'm very excited that they won. I voted. So hmm. My cookies are in line. But yeah, guys, thank y'all for listening. ⁓ I hope you enjoyed it and I'll see you guys next Monday. Bye guys.