Chasing Happiness or Choosing Joy? Why the Little Things Keep Setting You Off

Seema Desai: Yeah. ⁓ I'm Dr. Seema Desai, and this is the Joy First Method, where high achievers stop white knuckling their way forward and start building something that's actually theirs. Let's get to it. What stresses you out? I'm not talking about the kinds of decisions like deciding whether to stay at your current job or take a new opportunity or a major health scare. I'm talking about the everyday moments that just get you. Things like being cut off in a conversation. That one always gets me. Or walking into a room and finding it to be a complete mess. Or dishes in the sink that you thought were done. But they weren't. These little everyday moments are very, very insightful opportunities to help us understand what we are really running in the background. If you think about our thoughts and our mindset as an algorithm or an operating system, that program that we are running our decisions and our perceptions off of is what's creating the life that we're experiencing. So it's really important for us to understand what is it that is snagging us in our everyday lives? And here's why. The last episode, I started to peel back the curtain. We talked about the stress tax. We talked about the arrival fallacy. If you haven't had a chance to listen to that episode, I encourage you to go back and do that. And I started to peel back. The layers of this self-exploration that we're doing on the joy first method, which is I talked about happiness. Okay. Now, so often we conflate happiness and joy. And not understanding the difference and not understanding what it is that we're looking for in those moments that get us, that snag us, that's exactly what leads us to a life where. It feels like we're constantly chasing. It might feel like things are very out of control. It might feel like things are never going to change, or that our options are limited. And that is exactly opposite of the experience that we can create and opposite of the truth that I've discovered for myself. This is what my clients discover for themselves in coaching sessions. This is what our work together is, is uncovering all of the possibilities that you can experience and actually make. True for yourselves if you're willing to take a deep dive into understanding your thought process and how you've been conflating happiness and joy. So take a moment, if you haven't already, and really think about this. What is it that gets you? because the obvious things are going to be there, right? When you have a deadline that you're trying to get ahead of, or maybe you're planning even something good, like you're planning an anniversary party, planning major events can get pretty stressful. So I'm not talking about the obvious things, although those are certainly great examples, but I'm inviting you to go a little bit deeper. And when you think about what the answer is for you, there could be many answers. There's no wrong answer, remember. It's just the answer that is best for you right now, today in the moment. That's what I'm gonna invite you to work on. When you think of the answer, I want to encourage you to not think of it with blame, not think of it like my partner never does the dishes or so-and-so always cuts me off in a meeting. I I want you to just take the truth of the story. It frustrates you when it happens. I'm going to use the the experience of being cut off in conversation. For me, that's a big one. And so just for the purposes of demonstration and communication, we'll go with this example. You can certainly make your own. Okay. So where does happiness and joy come in to being cut off in a conversation? Well, let's take a take a little bit of a pause and understand fundamentally what the differences are and how we've conflated them. Okay. We're taught to pursue happiness. In fact, it's baked right into our United States Constitution. If you're listening stateside, this is a familiar concept for you. Yeah? We are taught to pursue happiness and what that looks like is it it feels great in the moment, right? It feels amazing when you land that promotion or you finally get behind the wheel of that car that you've wanted for so long. Feels great. But deep down, you know that high, that good feeling can't last. It won't. Because happiness inherently is fleeting, finicky, and entirely dependent on our external circumstances. Okay. So things like our bank account, the status of our career, even our health. I know that can be confusing because it's our health, but that is an external circumstance, meaning it's our perception of what our state of health is. That's That's why I'm labeling that as an external circumstance. Those are all things that we might influence, absolutely. It's not that we don't have any control, but there's so many things that influence things like our bank account, the status of our career, our health. And the positive psychology research shows that our external six circumstances dictate just ten percent of our actual lived experience. Right? Just ten percent. The other ninety percent lives within us. It lives within our ability to assess a situation and decide for ourselves whether or not. Our thoughts, our beliefs about a specific situation are helpful or not. And for example, the ha the arrival fallacy that I talked about in episode one, this is a great example of that. We tell ourselves, I'll be happy when things will be less stressful when I'll finally feel like I've made it when I buy that new car or land that promotion. Okay. But because We chase happiness. We're chasing something that isn't entirely on us. It's all out there. Okay. And because of that, that's what keeps us chasing. Happiness is very short-lived. Eventually, you'll get behind the wheel of that car and that intoxicating new car smell will fade. Faster if you let goldfish in the backseat, ask me how I know. Or that promotion that you landed all of a sudden will become the reason for your sleepless nights. And increased anxiety or stress. That's how we we move the goalpost. ⁓ I'll be happy when I get that promotion. I'll be happy when I get that car. And then something happens and then you have all these feelings about the situation that you said you wanted. It keeps us trapped in that arrival fallacy. Joy, on the other hand, is very different. Joy is slow burning. It lasts longer And that's because it comes from within us. Joy is not something that you get. It's not a reward. It's actually a state of consciousness, a state of energy that you can access at any time. The reason it feels inaccessible or unfamiliar is because we've been wiring our brains and being taught by the world that we live in that happiness is where it's at. So joy might feel unfamiliar. Okay. But joy is, again, it's not something that you earn. It's not something that you get. It's something that you access. It's something that is already available to you. Joy, unlike happiness, it's not in the world outside of us. It lives within us. It's our ability to have a better perspective on things and move forward with faith over fear. It lies in the Everyday moments of life. Things like finding peace and ⁓ and warmth and comfort when we get home at the end of the long day and we get a bear hug from somebody that we live with. Or when we get to catch up with an old friend, that that that sense that everything is whole, complete, and we are capable of living a life that we want, that is what joy is. There's flavorings of peace, there's flavorings of gratitude. There's there is nothing when we are feeling joy that we feel in need of or in lack of. And when we're in that state of joy, that is actually when our critical thinking skills come back online, our nervous systems come back online. And importantly, our intuition, that inner knowing, some people call this listening to their gut or to their heart. I call it listening. To our inner guides in my book, that's how I kind of define the intuition, is because that's what our intuition does. It guides us to be in this state of whole, complete, deep presence. So be able to see these the beauty in these little everyday moments. And joy actually is a direct inhibitor of the stress response. So Here's how the brain and the body work. The more we practice something, the way the more we focus on something, that's what grows. It's actually called Hebb's law, what fires together, wires together. Our reticular activating system, the part of our brain that is responsible for detecting patterns, detecting abnormal patterns, that is also what is integrated into our perception of what's happening and then our decision making. So if we're focusing on happiness, on chasing happiness, on almost like, you know, It's chasing happiness. It's like drinking seawater when you're thirsty. It will never leave you satisfied. It's like trying to control the weather. You can't. You might have moments of sunshine, but that will change. Joy is our ability to create that space, create that forever sense of peace, calm, and warmth within us. So, what does this mean when it comes to actually using this concept of happiness versus joy? Now, when I talk to people about the difference between happiness and joy, right about now they're going, hmm. Okay, I think I understand how I might have been chasing happiness, but I'm not sure what my joy looks or feels like. And to that I would say, congratulations, you're human. Nothing is wrong, nothing is broken. It's just that we've become disconnected from our joy. Many of us have. I know at one point I had to. And when I when we learn to focus on joy, the more we make that a conscious awareness, a conscious effort. What we uncover, what we tap into is more joy. It becomes easier. It's like lifting weights. You don't go to the gym and expect to pick up a hundred pounds if you've never lifted a day in your life. You start small, right? So we'll get into in one of our ⁓ another one of another episodes, we'll talk about ways to actually practically access joy. But I'm intentionally going slow here because I'm I want to be very mindful of where we all are on our spiritual journey, on our personal development journey. And so my goal for today's show was just to give you this idea of happiness versus joy. Now I want you guys to think back to your answers that you gave me at the start of the podcast, or that you gave yourself rather, because I can't hear your answers. I'm on the other side of the mic. But think about what your answers were. And for me, I'm gonna, like I said, I'm gonna go with my example of being cut off in a conversation. Okay. Here's what that moment of stress tells me and how I, if I'm not aware of it, I allow happiness to control the outcome versus joy. Okay. When I am speaking and someone cuts me off, depending on First of all, who the person is, I have a very different, I either have a response or a reaction, right? A thoughtful response or a reaction. So when my, for example, when my husband cuts me off, honey, I love you so much. We've been working on this in our marriage for almost 20 years, but you know, he knows that when he cuts me off, I, gosh, it gets my goat. But it's not my reaction is not actually about him cutting me off. What it is, is my desire for control to be heard, to have space to express myself. And inherently, really, it's driven when I really pull pull the the curtain back for myself. It is a need to feel valued, seen, understood, important. And the truth for him is when he cuts me off, it's not done with the intention of he. That he doesn't value me, or he doesn't love me, or he doesn't want to hear my my concerns. It's none of that. Oftentimes there's there's other reasons that he cuts me off. Not to say that that continued behavior pattern is okay, or that I should just lie down and accept it, or that he should just, you know, do something different for the sake of not upsetting me, but it's when we, when we recognize, okay, I it really gets my goal. When someone cuts me off, when when my husband cuts me off, it's making me feel unhurt. Okay. That is an attempt for my ego to assert control. And of course, we want control because control is a w an illusion that our brains, our bodies have that if we are in control, we safe. But I don't actually have control over whether or not he cuts me off. I have no control over that. Now I can tell him how it makes me feel, we can talk about it, he can practice not cutting me off. Sure. We can influence external circumstances, but we can't control them. And the more we try to control them, the more we buy into the arrival fallacy. If I can just get X outcome, then I'll feel better, I'll feel good, I'll feel valued, I'll feel important. So in those moments, I have to ask myself, what is actually going on for me here? I'm feeling reactive. In what way can I be at peace with the situation he's cut me off and still not get reactive? How can I respond instead of pop off and get angry or raise my voice? And so when I lean into what would a person Who's seeking joy, who's connected to their joy. How would they respond? How would they react? When you're in your joy, you don't sweat the small stuff as much. Not to say that you don't get stressed or that you won't get stressed, but how you handle stressors in your life just changes. You're able to absorb them, you're able to navigate through them with more clarity, more confidence, more grace, without that circumstance totally derailing you from. Whatever it is that you're doing, the conversation or the activity, the project. And I found for myself that the more I cultivate my own joy, my own connection to self, the own my own reminders that what I'm actually seeking, that love, that validation, that importance is not in somebody else. It's within me. It helps me be it more open, more receptive. And so then over the years, what used to happen when I was, you know. in college would be I would just get very, very angry very fast and I would storm off. And then we would have this dramatic, ⁓ college age, you know, almost like soap operas type moment where we would, you know, have this big fight and then we would come together and, you know, make up and all this stuff. And now, more often than not, it's still a practice. I am not perfect at it. I certainly have my moments, but I get into, okay, you've cut me off. And I'll just sometimes I'll just stop talking. And just look at him. And I'll use that moment to breathe. I'll use that moment to remind myself. My self-worth isn't dependent on what anyone else says or does. And it's usually in that softening into the situation, easing off the gas pedal instead of pushing through and demanding attention or silence, but really an an opening of reflection for myself. This situation sort of self-corrects, especially since we've since worked on boundaries and we both know each other's buttons. So in those moments, I can acknowledge that I'm feeling a certain way. He can see that and honor that. And more often than not, it's a quick, you know what? Go ahead. I'm sorry. I'm listening. Or it can be, well, you know what? I I cut you off, but here's why I need, you know, I need to. Get on a call in two minutes. And I really needed to make sure I get this to you. You know, I say this to you. Can we talk about this other thing after I'm done with my call? It just facilitates communication in a way that's more compassionate and more loving towards one another. So today I'm really hoping that you are now reflecting on these little snags, what gets your goat in a different way, looking at it from the lens of. How are you chasing happiness versus how are you choosing to access joy? Are you looking for control? Are you looking to please someone? That is a form of conditional happiness. If so-and-so is happy with me when I make this decision, that's a sign that I've done a good job, quote unquote, whatever that means. Are you are you looking to ⁓ Hyper-rationalize your way through things. Often that's a way we seek subconsciously seek happiness is if I can just think through this hard enough, if I can just know all of my options and really maximize and consider every every possible outcome. And if I can just worry about every little thing, then I can control the outcome, right? Those are all very sneaky ways that our inner guard. Our ego wants to assert us chasing happiness versus leaning into our joy, which is where we are guided into more ease, more confidence, more clarity. And oftentimes because we center in on the peace, the joy that already exists within us, that's when we can get a better perspective on things. ⁓ maybe they didn't mean to be offensive. Maybe they're just having a hard time. Maybe there's something else going on with them. It gives us gratitude for what is. I remember, you know, another example for me of what gets gets my goat is when, you know, at the end of the day, I love to fluff the pillows, fold the blankets, put everything away in the living room so that when I walk out in the morning, everything is tidy and put away. But I'm the only one that cares about that. The rest of my family, not so much. So when I walk out, Into the living room in the mornings and I see a mess, my inherent reaction is like, ⁓ if they would just put the put the stuff away, then things would, you know, I'm telling myself all these stories. ⁓ well, that means that this is a sign that my kids know how to appreciate a ⁓ a shared space, that they have gratitude for the things that we own. They are being responsible and considerate of my feelings. That none of that is is necessarily true. They could, if I got angry and yelled, they could just be doing it to avoid a conflict, which is not healthy, right? If they're picking up to out of fear for what I might say versus consideration for what I might say or how I might react, that's very different. So when I walk out and I see a mess, taking a moment and saying, ⁓ well, this is a sign of life. This is a sign that these beautiful spiritual beings that were gifted to me. Are here in my home right now. They won't be one day. They'll, they're already growing so fast. Those of you with kids, you know how fast they grow. When when we can lean into a situation that would normally stress us out with joy, with gratitude, we often get perspective. And oftentimes we find that we are reacting more so than responding. And it's it's gonna create an outcome that isn't necessarily the best for all. My goal. in any conversation is or any interaction is for people to feel valued and seen. And if I'm too busy yelling at them because they've cut me off or because they haven't picked up, I'm not fostering connection. And I can't foster connection with them, clear communication with them, honest communication with them. I'm not inspiring them to naturally want to do something out of love and support and consideration. All of that is possible, but what I need to do first is connect to my own sense of peace and joy. So we'll get into more of that. How do I connect with my joy? What does that joy look like in practicality? We'll get into something that I have called the three C's of joy in future episodes. And that should help you guys get more clarity on what it means to actually be in your joy, live your joy, cultivate your joy, choose your joy. So that it happens more and more often. Whew. That was so much fun. I can totally talk about happiness and joy all day long. My sincere wish for you guys every time you listen to an episode of the Joy First Method is to walk away a little bit lighter, a little bit more joyful, a little bit more at ease. I hope you've had insights into your own thinking as to how you might be chasing happiness versus joy. And until next time. Here's to you choosing your own joy first. If something in today's episode landed for you, great, sit with it. And then share it. Send it to the founder who's running on fumes, the leader who's got everything and still feels like something's missing, the friend you keep meaning to check on. That's how this work travels, from person to person, the way real change always does. Follow the show so you never miss an episode. And if it's been valuable, leave a review. It helps more people find their way here. I'll see you next time.