Problems

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Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
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Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful.
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Now your host, dr Kamal Atzar.
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Hello, hello, hello everyone.
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Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
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Today we're going to focus on how to approach problems.
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Problems are not problems until you think about them.
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There is a whole different spectrum of problems.
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You have rich people, first world problems like nail is broken or house is dirty, or extremely life challenging problems like unemployment, poverty, immigration, lack of education, wars.
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The mistake we end up making is that we focus on the problem too much, sometimes to an extent that we're hyper-focused.
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All we do is talk about the problem Instead.
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Learn to focus on the solution.
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So the shift in this podcast will be how to focus on the solution, on how to resolve the problem.
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Once you zoom out of hyper-focusing on the problem and ask yourself how can I create a solution, the brain will present answers.
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So this shift in perception is going from why is the problem so big To what is the solution.
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One extremely helpful question that I ask my clients to help find a solution is that what are you making the problem mean?
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You're welcome to borrow this question and ask yourself what am I making the problem mean?
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The answer to this question will give you all of your thoughts about the problem.
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Then we can separate out facts from the thoughts that our brain offers.
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By definition, facts are something that are provable in a court of law.
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Facts are something that everyone agrees on.
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So your opinions will seem like facts but they're not.
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For example, my friend is hyper is not a fact, it's an opinion.
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Your friend will not agree that she is hyper.
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She will say she wants to hang out with you, go shopping, watch a movie and later eat dinner with you on the same day.
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Your friend saying I want to go shopping, catch a movie and then dinner is a fact.
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Those words that came out of her mouth are the fact.
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They can be proven.
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She is hyper is your thought that you attach to this fact.
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Your thought about it is what creates the problem.
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Her words are not the problem.
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Someone's words are never the problem.
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Words and other people are neutral.
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Your friend and her words would carry no meaning if your mind wasn't present to give it meaning.
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So words coming out of her mouth or the friend does not cause feelings.
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They are neutral until you have a thought about it you giving it meaning that she is too hyper, she's too much to keep up with.
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Those are the thoughts that are causing the problem.
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So this way, you get to see that you have the power to interpret anything any way you want.
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You're welcome to keep all of your thoughts problematic or not, but just know that she is not the problem.
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The problem is coming from your thoughts.
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Now, at this point I hear a lot of resistance that I'm saying there's a problem with your mind, or clients getting defensive, that you're telling me I am the problem.
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I'm not saying you are the problem.
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I'm saying your mind is generating the problem through your thoughts.
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I have a whole podcast dedicated to clarifying that.
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You are not your thoughts.
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You are not the sentences in your mind.
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Again, the problem is created by the sentences in your mind.
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These sentences don't have to be a problem unless you decide on doing so.
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The thinking causes the problem and that is in our control.
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The friend is not in our control.
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If you think your friend is hyper, too energetic, you can't keep up with her.
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She's always calling the shots.
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This type of thinking is causing the problem.
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She is not the problem.
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You can decide on intentionally continuing to create these thoughts.
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I'm not asking you to change your thoughts.
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I'm asking you to take ownership of it.
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So if you do decide to fix the issue, you will know what to fix, which will not be the friend, because you can't fix her this way.
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You're not wasting energy pointing fingers at the friend, at the colleague, at the husband, trying to change them.
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You are quickly localizing your point of control and you start to work on changing what you do have control over.
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So when I tell you that your problem is coming from your thoughts and you make it mean that I'm calling you the problem, then you're shutting down any avenues to actually fix the problem.
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So take all of your emotional responsibility back.
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If you think there is an issue, it is because of what you are making it mean.
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There is nothing wrong with what you are making it mean.
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So, in the friend's defense, she is just being her energetic self.
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She has no intentions of making you run around all day.
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She thinks she's planning a fun day.
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So your point of view is completely different than hers and your point of view is what's making it a problem?
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Let's take another example.
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Let's say you're 20 pounds above your desired weight, but somebody would look at the scale and say, okay, no problem, I know how to deal with this.
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I'm going to eat healthy, I'm going to follow a no sugar, no flour plan and follow an exercise regimen.
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Another person might look at the scale the same exact number and tell themselves oh my god, this is horrible.
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How could I let myself go this much?
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I can't control myself.
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I fail at every diet.
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Two people approach the same number on the scale completely differently.
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The number on the scale is not a problem.
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Your brain creates the problem.
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Again, like I've said before, this is excellent news because our brain is under our control.
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If you do decide to take the situation under control and at no point am I suggesting that you shouldn't make something a problem I personally intentionally choose to make a lot of things a problem, but I also take ownership of why I'm creating the issue and what exactly is it that I'm going to do about it, without assigning blame to somebody or something outside of me.
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For example, I will make it a huge problem if my child's school decides to discipline him in a way that is not acceptable to me.
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The school is not the problem.
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My thoughts are creating the problem, and I would choose those thoughts.
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I want to protect my child.
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I want the school to be a safe place for learning and education.
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Now follow-up actions that I take from this ownership of my own thoughts will look completely different.
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If I don't take ownership of these thoughts, the actions could be.
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I might go storming into the office telling them they don't know how to educate, they should change their system.
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But if I am taking ownership from that perspective, I will explain to them.
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This is why I think this is a problem and this is what needs to change, and I need to see action, steps taken to address the issue.
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If the actions are not taken, then I create clean boundaries and I tell them this will be my follow-through action.
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So there's a huge difference in energy of how I approach the issue and I hope you guys are able to see the difference.
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And, by the way, my child's school is amazing.
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I'm not having any issues with their disciplining, but this is just an example.
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So again, I'm not saying don't create problems with your thoughts.
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I'm just saying don't blame others for something that you've opted for, because if you lose sight of who is creating the problem, then you won't stand a chance of solving it.
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Solving it with.
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Taking ownership of your thoughts and feelings gives you so much more access to your wisdom and creativity.
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Let's take spirituality for an example.
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As a modern Muslim woman, you might think that life is too busy for fulfilling your roles in prayers.
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You might think that your corporate structure doesn't allow you to pray.
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Your day's schedule, with school work, dinner, doesn't give you time to prioritize your recitation or attempting to understand the Quran or other faith-based values that you want to prioritize, that you want to prioritize.
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So your brain might have a tendency to tell you that the modern lifestyle is responsible for you not being able to cater to these values.
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But I'm going to challenge you again the modern lifestyle is not responsible for the lack of fulfilling these values.
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Your thinking is I don't want you to be disillusioned with the modern, fast-paced world as a cause of your lack of spiritual values.
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So if you do decide to up-level your spirituality and your faith, then the problem to be fixed is with your thinking, not with the world.
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Once you've taken that ownership, you can then decide how you want to approach it.
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What is it that you're making it mean when you get stuck in traffic?
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What is it that you're making it mean when you have your three children in three different after-school activities.
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Are you playing uber mom all day, driving between practices and rehearsals, bake sales, volunteer hours?
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If you're making it mean that you're too busy, too exhausted, this is too hard, then those sentences are the problem.
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These sentences are the roadblock when you're attempting to create a higher spiritual connection.
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Instead, I offer you to be curious on how to change it.
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Could you listen to your favorite recitation in traffic while trying to memorize it?
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Could you do that while waiting in the parking lot for the practice to end?
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Could you make carpool arrangements with another family and take the afternoon off and announce to the family that you're working on your spiritual priority during that time?
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I personally don't know what thoughts are available to you, but I can promise you there are thousands and thousands of other thoughts available, and some of them could potentially be the solution to your problem, because your full-time job, your corporate culture, after-school activities are never the problem.
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So when we're thinking that our work hours, job obligations, family priorities and even our desire to live a comfortable lifestyle are hindering the creation of spiritual values, we can never solve the problem because we're thinking that the problem lies outside of us.
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Along the same lines.
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So many clients come to me telling me that they seem to be losing their spirituality because, living in a majority non-Muslim western country, it's not easy.
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Your values are created by your thinking.
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Your value of enhancing your faith and connection to Allah on a deeper level is created through your thinking, not by where you live.
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You can create that connection on an isolated retreat or in the middle of Times Square.
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You can create that connection in Salah, quran, religious academic studies or in the middle of eating at a fancy restaurant.
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Your faith-based values are generated through your thoughts.
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They are the result of your thoughts.
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If the problem is that you are unable to connect to your faith or if you are losing these values, it is because of your thoughts, not because of where you are or who you are with or what you are doing.
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Your faith-based values are a result of your thinking and you create faith with intentional thoughts.
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Your faith just doesn't get lost or get dropped off the face of the earth.
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If you're losing faith, then at some level you're practicing thoughts that are distancing you from your religion.
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People come to me and say I can't seem to find khushu, concentration or connection and serenity in my prayers.
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Well, you're not going to find it unless you create it.
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It's not an object to be found.
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And also, just because you're standing in prayer does not automatically mean that you will have a sense of peace.
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You will have to create that with your mind.
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You will have to observe the distracting thoughts and gently let them go, and you have to practice resetting your focus in your prayer over and over again.
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That is the reason why we're always improving our prayers on a continual basis.
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Again, you're not losing your faith-based values because it's something that's happening to you from outside forces.
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You're losing them because you're thinking thoughts that are making you lose them and, in my experience, most commonly these are subconscious thoughts, sentences that lie outside of our conscious awareness.
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The problem is always your thoughts, whether you're aware or not, because your mind is the only organ that will ever create or solve a problem.
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Allah SWT gave us this mind, an antenna to make sense of the universe and to create solutions with.
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And personally, if I was to make anything a problem, lack of spirituality is something I would definitely take an issue with If I found myself losing my spiritual values, and I believe with my full conviction that my faith is my path to salvation in the afterlife.
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I will do everything in my power to figure out what thoughts are causing me to lose these values.
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I would do everything in my power to isolate these sentences and identify them, to change them.
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When your forehead is on the ground in the act of prayer and your mind is racing, you're missing the opportunity to create the connection with Allah.
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Thoughts are the problem.
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When you come out of prayers, dissect that moment, magnify it, observe it.
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Why was I thinking all of the other things in the world during prayer?
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What's the big problem here?
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Why is my mind creating problems?
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Is it an actual problem or is it hyperbole of my thoughts?
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Because if it's a real problem, then there is no better place than in sujood or prostration to ask for a solution, and if my thoughts are making the problem bigger than it needs to be, then I should work on it outside of Salah.
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There are also some really grave problems that your brain presents, and those are around actual abuse, physical, emotional trauma, around rape, war, racial discrimination, loss of children.
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Remember, we can always continue to assign these as problems and in these cases, correctly so.
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But take ownership that you're making it a problem so you don't lose your mental health over it and so that the entity outside of you death, racial discrimination, rape, trauma, war does not control you.
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One of my extremely accomplished coach, shirzad Shamim, says that there are two ways that we can respond to a problem.
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We can accept it for what it is and make peace with it, or we can see how we can turn it into a gift or an opportunity.
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So he calls it putting your problems into two buckets One is the accept bucket, the other is the convert bucket.
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Is the accept bucket, the other is the convert bucket.
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Let's say, the problem your brain is presenting to you is around you dropping ketchup on your light colored blouse during lunch and you are supposed to have a meeting right after.
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Your brain says this is a huge problem.
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We've correctly taken the first step, identifying the origin of the problem.
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To be the thought, the stain on the blouse or the meeting aren't all neutral.
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At this point we have two options.
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We can accept the situation as is or we can convert it into a gift or an opportunity.
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So if we take the first option and put it in the accept bucket, we're just going to roll with it, meaning we can choose to not make it a problem and instead of being upset about the stain, we can just accept it.
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The stain is there, you agree that it's there and you make peace with that fact and the fact that you will be walking into the meeting with a ketchup stain on your blouse.
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On the other hand, second option is you can put it into the convert bucket and ask yourself, how can I make it into a gift and opportunity?
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Maybe you'll decide to wash it out with soap and water.
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Maybe you'll decide to exchange your blouse with your colleagues, or maybe you'll walk into the meeting with the stain and then incorporate it into your presentation.
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Tell everyone how the agenda of the meeting was how to problem solve, because the company is experiencing some hiccups in profit, just like you experience a hiccup with your life with this ketchup stain.
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So that was an example of the first world problem.
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Now let's say you're living in a war-torn area, or you know somebody who's directly affected by it, or there is a big trauma that we're trying to reconcile, correctly identify that your thoughts are making it a problem.
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That is the first step.
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You can then put it into the accept bucket and make peace with it, and our religion offers us great avenues for acceptance through acts of ibadah and finding peace and serenity in believing the plan of Allah, or you can put it into the convert bucket and start to innovate ways how your difficult situation is meant to be for your benefit.
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It's okay if you don't see the benefit right away and it's normal for you to not immediately see the gift in trauma.
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Give yourself that acceptance.
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Say to yourself I'm currently unable to see the gift in this, but how many times have you gone through an extremely difficult experience in life and later in time you're able to see how this has molded you and strengthened you and helped you become a better person that you are today?
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We forget, but as humans that happens to us quite often.
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We think that an incident that will completely halt our life ends up becoming the fuel of our progress and growth.
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So, even if you put your thoughts in the convert bucket, it's possible that you don't see the conversion right away, but give yourself the opportunity to do so.
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With time your higher brain will find the answers, inshallah.
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So since the origin of your problems is your mind, the solution is your mind as well.
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I'm not saying your mind is the problem.
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I'm saying sometimes we create problems where there doesn't need to be any, and sometimes we create problems correctly in the face of injustice and oppression.
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With that, I pray to Allah that he gives us the courage and the ability to reconcile our reality and accept Allah's plan, and give us the opportunity to convert every hardship into a success.
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I pray that Muslims all around the world start to do this internal work, and may Allah give us all the tools of mind management and to strengthen our standing with our faith.
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O Allah, I ask you to purify our hearts and mind, so then we can fortify our faith.
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O Allah, I ask you to purify our hearts and mind, so then we can fortify our faith.
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I pray to Allah to save us from any tests in this world, but, if we are tested, to give us the presence of mind to change it into an opportunity to find success in this world and the next.
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Inshaallah, please keep me in your du'as.
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I will talk to you guys next time.