WEBVTT
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Hey Jen, wanna talk about some new sex research?
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Your hypothesis has failed.
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Right.
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Today on the podcast, we're talking about recent scientific research that identifies some key habits and attitudes leading to a lifetime of healthy marriage and fulfilling sex.
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Let's do it.
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Welcome, friends.
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Welcome.
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We're Mad and Jen, and this is the Intimate Covenant Podcast.
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Where we believe the Bible and great marriage sex both belong on your kitchen table.
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That's right.
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We are talking about godly marriage and hot sex and emotionally fulfilling oneness.
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And we're glad that you have joined us.
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If you'd like more information about us, you can look on our website at intimatecovenant.com.
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And we would always love to hear from you.
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You can email us at podcast at intimatecovenant.com.
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Not surprisingly, recent science supports the fact that couples with healthy relationships have the most satisfying and most fulfilling sex lives.
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Anybody surprised by that?
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I hope not.
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If you've been listening to our podcast even for one episode.
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But today we want to look at some of this research and try to glean some takeaways about the attitudes, the practices, and the habits specifically that result in the most fulfilling marriages and the most extraordinary sex lives.
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It's gonna be a good episode.
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But before we get there, some quick announcements.
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You should already know this if you're a longtime listener of ours, but if you're new around these parts, you know that retreat registration has opened.
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We are um excitedly preparing for this year's marriage retreat, and the registration opened on Valentine's Day.
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We're gonna go on air and let you know that we had a few hiccups.
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Oh, goodness me.
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Uh yes, there were definitely some uh problems with the website and something called plugins and something called WooCommerce.
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I don't know.
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There was a lot happening behind the scenes that made it a little bit difficult for you to register for the retreat.
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Yes.
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However, it has all been worked out to the best of our knowledge.
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As far as we can tell, we are now getting retreat registrations uh coming through.
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The forms are being filled out, they are getting into our inbox, and payments can now be accepted.
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So Yeah, yeah.
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The biggest problem was you could register but not pay, which is great.
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We'd love to do this for free, but the hotel doesn't want to do it for free.
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So that that wasn't gonna work.
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Uh, but it's all working now.
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If you have tried to register for the retreat and it didn't work, try again.
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Please try again.
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We have things fixed.
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This year's retreat is September 24th through the 26th.
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And you can go to intimatecovenant.com slash retreat to find out way more details about it.
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Yeah, lots more details about our theme and some other exciting uh announcements.
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And um, yeah, please join us.
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It is a wonderful, wonderful weekend, and we want to see you there.
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We also want to see you at the Alabama Marriage Day.
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If you're in Alabama or you just want to drive to the amazing state of Alabama, we are excitedly in the works for planning that um with a great host there.
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And uh that is happening in April.
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You can find more information about the Alabama Marriage Day at intimatecovenant.com slash Alabama.
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Yeah, and stay tuned.
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Uh, some other announcements coming your way as well, some other uh marriage enrichment weekends uh in the works.
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So hopefully uh we'll have some more announcements uh about some of those uh coming soon.
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We're excited.
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We love to come and meet you and see you, and for you to come to us for the retreat.
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Our favorite thing.
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Absolutely.
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Some of the best, uh one one of the best parts about doing what we do.
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And um, so yeah, definitely want to see you when we can have that opportunity.
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All right.
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So today's episode, uh, let's get into it.
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We're looking at research, and I know you all are just so excited.
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Um, Matt is just thrilled because he loves the science of all this.
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I'm chomping at the bit for this episode.
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And I know, but for all the rest of us, I recognize not everybody likes to read scientific journals and articles and publications.
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There are those of us who love the the people who do read that.
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Oh, well, that's sweet of you.
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I love you, honey.
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Not everybody even loves the people that do those things.
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That's true.
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Uh I want to assure you, before you instantly turn this off, uh, we we are not going to dig into the depths and the details and the technicalities of the research.
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Uh we want to make this as accessible as possible.
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And most importantly, we want to make this relevant.
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So we're going to look at some principles, and I think uh we're going to find something for everyone uh in this episode.
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But since the episode is about research, and really one of the things that kind of inspired me to put this episode together is um we want you, as our listeners, to have the opportunity to take part in some new scientific research on uh married women's sexual experiences.
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Now, that does not mean that you are going to be having sex for the sake of science.
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No, no.
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Nor does it even mean that they're going to be asking you uh questions that you maybe just don't really want to share.
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Um, I want to assure all of our listeners that this is a project I have already been involved in.
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Um, and so I can a hundred percent recommend taking part in this survey.
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It's uh pretty much harmless, but uh the the research is being uh performed by Dr.
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Jessica McCleese.
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She is a professor at Regent University.
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Uh, she's also a certified Christian sex therapist, and as you might imagine, she is a researcher there at Regent University.
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Uh her team partnering with Jay Parker, you probably recognize Jay Parker.
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Uh, she's been a guest on her podcast at least once.
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We've been on her podcast, and Jen's been on her podcasts a number of times.
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She's been part of one of our favorite bloggers, authors, speakers with Hot Holy and Humorous.
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Um, so yes, Jay Parker is also a part of all of this.
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Yes.
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They they as a group are studying married women's sexual experiences.
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Uh, and uh their project title is The Lived Experience of Marital Sex, Women's Perspectives.
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Uh, and I'll just read, just straight read uh from their website, uh, which says uh there is a lack of research regarding the sexual experiences of married women across the lifespan, which has resulted in women lacking necessary resources to create meaningful and enjoyable experiences with their spouse.
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We believe that every woman's voice is important and that as women share their experiences, they can learn from one another and experience the fulfilling relationship that they deserve.
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By participating, you will be contributing to meaningful insights that can improve awareness, resources, and future care for women.
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Your voice matters, and your voluntary participation can make a real difference.
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So they're looking for wives with lots of different backgrounds to just be a part of this and to take it's about a 20-minute survey.
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Again, it was very easy, it was very harmless, like you know, nothing hard about it.
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And it and very private, obviously.
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Yeah, of course.
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It is it is entirely voluntary, so you're not gonna be paid for this.
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Um, but uh uh it it is also you're also not going to pay to do it as well.
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Uh obviously, it is very confidential.
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This is being done at a uh research institution, and so you will uh all of your information will be kept private and confidential.
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Uh you must be 18 years or older uh to participate.
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Hopefully, most, if not all of our audience, is 18 years or older.
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That's that should be the plan.
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And to participate, you should be a married woman, married woman who engages in some type of sexual experience with her husband or who desires to.
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Right.
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So you don't necessarily have to be married to take the survey.
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Uh, you just have to be a woman who wants to be married and who uh wishes to engage in sexual activity with her husband.
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Uh, I'm gonna include the survey link uh in the show notes.
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It is a Survey Monkey uh link, and uh that'll be available in the show notes.
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We would really encourage all of you to all of you who are eligible to participate uh because um, as you might imagine, we're gonna talk about some research studies today, but uh the problem with most research is that it is done entirely from very select audiences and groups.
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And while researchers, in for the most part, try to do a good job of getting a cross-section of the demographic they're trying to study, whether that's American women or whatever, um, I would venture to say that Christian women are highly underrepresented in widespread and reputable research studies.
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And so uh having your voice in these studies will go a long way towards helping uh researchers better understand uh what it is that Christian women experience and what it is that they need to help them uh develop a healthy sexual identity, to help them develop a healthy sexual relationship in their marriage.
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And and as someone who has taken the survey, I just want to go out there and also say you don't have to have a healthy sex life right now to take the survey.
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In fact, they need to hear voices from women who are in all walks of life right now, whatever your season looks like, whether it's great or it's struggling, could be better, the worst it's ever been, whatever that is, your voice matters in this survey in order to get a full picture of what does it look like within marriages.
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Yeah, that's a great point.
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Uh in fact, some of you with unhealthy either experiences or current relationships will be able to speak very well to what the challenges are that uh Christian women face.
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So again, uh I'm I would ask you, uh we would ask you to take part in this survey if you have at all uh opportunity.
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And we'll thank you in advance for Jay Parker, our friend and uh and colleague as well.
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Uh so again, speaking of research.
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Speaking of research.
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Today we're gonna look at some recently published research articles uh that really are primarily are about married couples, uh long-term relationships, and um the their sexual well-being.
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Uh specifically, we're looking at three recent studies that, and if you're weird like me, you get Google alerts, Google Scholar alerts every once in a while that tell you when some new research has been published regarding long-term sexual relationships.
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And uh, these are some that I've just been kind of keeping in the back of my mind to um, or that that kind of made my list as some studies that had some intriguing findings, uh, things that I think are not just interesting but relevant to our audience, that is all of you who are listening.
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Um, but these three studies look at some different aspects of married relationships.
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Sometimes they're only looking at what are called long-term relationships.
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They don't necessarily specify married relationships, but we're gonna assume that's the same thing for the stake of uh this uh podcast.
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Uh, and the the dynamics in those relationships that resulted in both relational and or sexual satisfaction.
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So um that's what we're looking at.
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Three three specific studies.
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Well, get into the first one, Matt.
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We're all anxiously awaiting.
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Everybody wants to know.
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Okay, so this uh this first episode, or sorry, this first um article, the first uh publication is was titled Sexual Script Flexibility and Sexual Well-being in long-term couples.
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Um, so that's a mouthful, but I think it's relatively self-explanatory.
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Uh, this was published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2023, so not that far ago.
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And um, here's a couple of the key findings.
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So without quoting, without digging into the depths of the research, uh, here's a couple of key findings.
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One of them is that flexible sexual expectations are linked with higher sexual satisfaction.
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So, what does that mean?
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Uh that means that um, in their words, individuals who reported who reported greater sexual script flexibility, let's define that first.
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Yeah.
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What is sexual script flexibility?
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That is uh the ability to change your expectations when you meet sexual challenges.
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As a couple or as an individual, if you are able to enter into a sexual experience with one set of expectations, but you are able to pivot those expectations when something doesn't uh happen exactly like you would have preferred.
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Uh, if that is you would be someone who has a greater sexual script flexibility.
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Because I mean, let's face it, we all have a script in our mind.
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Well, I don't know if everybody does.
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I'll speak for myself.
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Um you know, you have something in mind, right?
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You you have an expectation of how the night's gonna go, right?
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Um, and uh it it the the old adage is of course, you know, expectations are um a way to predict uh failure and disappointment.
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So as soon as you make plans, uh those plans are going to likely change.
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But uh what this what this uh study demonstrated is that those who were able to have flexibility in their sexual script were able to, or they did, report higher sexual satisfaction.
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And what's also interesting about this, not only did the individual with the ability to adapt have better um sexual satisfaction, their partners did also.
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Yeah.
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So if I'm able to adjust my expectations, my partner also is going to have a better sexual experience and a better sexual relationship as well.
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Um is that surprising?
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No.
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Is that something that we all often, though, think about or consider?
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Probably not.
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Uh, and so you know, there there's probably some, there are some long-term implications uh about that.
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The second finding that was uh interesting from this study is that uh, as the author said, flexibility helps couples navigate sexual difficulties.
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So assuming that you have problems, that you're good that you uh might possibly, I mean, hypothetically, encounter problems in your sexual relationship, I say that tongue in cheek because uh you're going to have uh challenges and difficulties in your sex lives, uh, even if the only difficulty you experience is aging, uh listen, aging is going to affect your sex life at some point.
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But um if you are if you're able to be flexible, you will be much more able to navigate some of these difficulties that uh will come up.
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If you have very rigid expectations, uh one example that was mentioned in the article is um the expectation that sex must include intercourse.
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Oh wow, that's interesting that they mentioned that.
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I mean, I think if you're a listener to this podcast, you have heard us multiple times say that sex is not just intercourse.
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You need to broaden out your definition of of sex within your married sex life.
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Yeah.
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So so if if your expectation is that sex equals intercourse, then that can cause a whole lot more struggle.
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That's what the article, what I mean, what the findings were.
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Absolutely.
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And you know, there's plenty of other possibilities like uh other things like uh which uh individual, which spouse has to initiate sex.
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If you're very rigid in those expectations, um you are not going to be able to adapt to changes.
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Only happens in certain circumstances at certain times, right?
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In you know, certain ways.
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Certain places, uh, certain activities have to happen, uh orgasm has to happen by one or both partners.
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All of those were expectations that were listed by the authors that were named specifically, although certainly not limited to those expectations, but all of those things were listed by the authors as things that presented challenges to um couples who were not willing to be flexible with their expectations.
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Right.
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Because whereas flexible couples and having those flexible approaches allow couples to maintain intimacy despite challenges.
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So when they come up against that challenge, that's not a brick wall, they just find a way to work around.
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Yes, and again, I think this goes back to something that we've kind of said over and over again: orgasm is not the goal, intercourse is not the goal.
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The goal with our sex our sex lives is intimacy and oneness.
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And as long as we're looking for that, then we can find so many different ways to meet that oneness and enhance that oneness in a sexual way.
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So uh I think the implication here for long-term marriages is that couples who maintain satisfying sexual relationships are able to adapt their sexual patterns over time rather than maintaining rigid expectations.
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And I think one other key to this, which isn't didn't really the the authors of the study didn't really go into this a lot, but a key to this is you're gonna have to have multiple conversations over time as you face difficulties.
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Right.
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How else are you adapting, you know, if you're not discussing this?
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And so if you're gonna be able to have those conversations, then you need to learn how to have those conversations, right?
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It's great to think that, oh, we're we're so deeply in love that when we face challenges, we're just gonna know, and we're just gonna know how to res how the other person needs us to respond in the moment.
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Uh, that is a fairy tale, folks.
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That's not going to happen.
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So you gotta have the conversations.
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Um, so let's move on to the next one.
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Yeah.
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Uh here the the next study is uh was published by a group in uh a journal called Family Process in 2024.
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Uh the title of the study is Longitudinal Associations.
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Okay, and everybody's checked out.
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Just yeah, don't worry about the title.
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But the uh just for those of you who care, the title is Longitudinal Associations between relational and sexual well-being in couples transitioning to parenthood.
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Ooh, I caught those last couple of words.
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Any transitioning to parenthood.
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And for those of you who have been there, you recognize that is a challenging place to be.
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Uh, for those of you who have not yet transitioned to parenthood in your marriage, just wait, it's coming for you.
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Uh it's uh uh there there are definitely challenges in that.
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Um and the the the whole idea of longitudinal associations means like what what happens to the relationship and to your sex life as you are a couple that is moving from no kids to having kids.
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Right.
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So the key findings of the study.
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Um I'll just quote the authors here.
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They said that uh declines in relationship quality were associated with declines in sexual satisfaction and increases in sexual distress for both partners.
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So what that means is if you are having stress in your relationship, you think parenthood causes new stress in relationships?
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Just a little.
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Uh yes, for a fact it does.
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Um, and if you have um poorer sex lives, that also, of course, happens in your relationship.
00:21:46.880 --> 00:22:07.440
But what they found, which is interesting here, is not only is there an association between sexual satisfaction and relationship quality, not only did they and they also found that they There is a relationship between stress in partners and decline in relationship quality.
00:22:07.759 --> 00:22:18.480
What they found, which is interesting, is that the quality of the relationship is what drove the quality of sexual satisfaction.
00:22:18.640 --> 00:22:24.880
In other words, having a poor relationship is what leads to poor sex.
00:22:25.119 --> 00:22:28.640
It is not poor sex that leads to a poor relationship.
00:22:29.440 --> 00:22:33.279
So I don't I took a lot of words to say that, but that's what they found there.
00:22:33.680 --> 00:22:40.079
The other finding is sexual well-being operates as a couple-level system.
00:22:40.400 --> 00:22:53.359
Again, I'm using their words, but essentially what that means is changes in one partner's relational well-being had an impact on the other partner's sexual well-being.
00:22:53.599 --> 00:22:56.880
Again, there were these what they're calling dyadic.
00:22:57.200 --> 00:23:02.240
We're, you know, again, we're getting science-y here, but it's the partner-to-partner effects.
00:23:02.400 --> 00:23:10.880
If one person does not feel good about the relationship, the other person's sexual satisfaction will be will decline.
00:23:11.359 --> 00:23:13.519
Meaning it's all integrated.
00:23:13.680 --> 00:23:17.519
You cannot separate sex from the rest of your relationship.
00:23:17.759 --> 00:23:21.519
You cannot separate the rest of your relationship from your sex life.
00:23:21.920 --> 00:23:32.240
You can't say we're just going to put our sex life on hold until the kids get older because both will suffer, both your sex life and your your entire relate, your emotional well-being.
00:23:32.480 --> 00:23:36.400
Well, sounds a lot like what we say that sex is your relationship.
00:23:36.559 --> 00:23:36.799
Yes.
00:23:37.039 --> 00:23:40.799
It's it's not the one thing that you do behind closed doors.
00:23:40.960 --> 00:23:44.480
It is it is all interconnected together.
00:23:44.799 --> 00:23:45.279
Precisely.
00:23:45.440 --> 00:23:46.240
Yeah, precisely.
00:23:46.559 --> 00:24:02.240
Again, um, and and again, this so this the implication for long-term marriages is again this the sexual vitality, the the life of your sex um uh sexual relationship is not independent of the relationship.
00:24:02.319 --> 00:24:06.400
They they all go together and they evolve together.
00:24:06.640 --> 00:24:10.480
As one is strengthened, the other is strengthened, and and vice versa.
00:24:11.039 --> 00:24:16.240
But again, relational health drives sexual health, not the other way around.
00:24:16.559 --> 00:24:19.519
Which I think is is surprising to a lot of people.
00:24:19.759 --> 00:24:21.359
That's gonna be that is surprising to a lot of people.
00:24:21.519 --> 00:24:30.480
I mean, uh, some some of us would love to believe that if we just get the sex right, then we can the rest will take care of itself, uh, or the other way around.
00:24:30.640 --> 00:24:38.559
But you know, again, the the overall though, um, if you have a poor sex life, you don't just need to work on your sex life.
00:24:38.640 --> 00:24:41.680
You don't need to learn new techniques and novelty.
00:24:42.000 --> 00:24:42.160
Right.
00:24:42.400 --> 00:24:47.440
Your poor sex life is a symptom of a poor relationship.
00:24:47.680 --> 00:24:47.839
Yeah.
00:24:48.079 --> 00:24:51.039
And so you've you've got to focus on all of it.
00:24:51.440 --> 00:24:55.599
More sex or and better sex are not going to fix your poor relationship.
00:24:55.839 --> 00:25:04.960
Um again, if if you have sex problems, look in the mirror and fix yourself and fix your relationship, and the rest will follow.
00:25:05.359 --> 00:25:05.680
All right.
00:25:05.839 --> 00:25:06.799
One last study.
00:25:06.960 --> 00:25:08.480
Oh, I'm so disappointed.
00:25:08.559 --> 00:25:10.480
We're already at the the last study.
00:25:10.559 --> 00:25:12.640
Um, I should have put three more in here.
00:25:13.359 --> 00:25:14.079
Go ahead, honey.
00:25:14.319 --> 00:25:16.240
Nope, go ahead, honey, she says.
00:25:16.480 --> 00:25:22.640
Uh the third study uh was published in Social Sciences just last year in 2025.
00:25:22.880 --> 00:25:26.960
Uh, the title is Love, Sex, and Aging.
00:25:27.279 --> 00:25:32.319
Gendered Perspective on Relationship Desires and Satisfaction in Older Adulthood.
00:25:32.640 --> 00:25:37.039
Oh, so our last one dealt with parenthood, and this one deals with aging.
00:25:37.440 --> 00:25:38.400
Older adulthood.
00:25:38.720 --> 00:25:45.920
I would love to say that I can take credit for choosing these studies that cover multi-generations, but uh that that was a happy accident.
00:25:46.160 --> 00:25:47.440
Uh it's working well.
00:25:48.079 --> 00:25:52.559
Some of us are older, having just celebrated my 50th birthday.
00:25:52.720 --> 00:25:57.039
Um, some of us are older, so this is uh even more relevant for me.
00:25:57.279 --> 00:25:58.960
Uh key findings.
00:25:59.759 --> 00:26:08.400
The uh the first one was, uh at least to me, was that emotional meaning becomes increasingly important with age.
00:26:08.559 --> 00:26:32.319
Again, I'm kind of quoting the authors here, but um, what what they said is that as people age, they begin to prioritize emotionally meaningful connections and positive experiences in their relationships uh over um just the pure physical sexual experiences.
00:26:32.720 --> 00:26:40.079
Um, so the emotional meaning becomes more and more important to uh folks as they age as a whole.
00:26:40.319 --> 00:26:56.079
Um, the second uh important finding, at least what I thought was important, is um, as they said, sexual satisfaction in later life is tied to more, uh is tied more to emotional intimacy than frequency.
00:26:56.559 --> 00:27:06.160
So again, uh just like the first finding, the emotional meaning was more important than novelty.
00:27:06.400 --> 00:27:15.039
They're also saying that emotional intimacy became more important to folks as they age rather than frequency of sex.
00:27:15.519 --> 00:27:27.119
Yeah, that older adults tend to focus less on that novelty or that frequency and more on connection, companionship, and relational fulfillment.
00:27:27.359 --> 00:27:28.160
Right, exactly.
00:27:28.319 --> 00:27:32.000
So uh again, that seems to be true.
00:27:32.079 --> 00:27:37.599
I don't know if that's gonna be true for everybody out there, but that seems to be um something that's important.
00:27:37.759 --> 00:27:40.880
So uh here's one important takeaway from that.
00:27:42.160 --> 00:27:57.200
Um you as a if you are a young person, if you are a young married couple, you don't have to focus on trying to do every possible thing that's in that's possible.
00:27:57.440 --> 00:27:57.599
Right.
00:27:57.839 --> 00:28:02.640
You you don't and you that ultimately is a lot less important.
00:28:03.039 --> 00:28:23.200
Now that for a lot of young, we'll just stereotype and say for a lot of young men, even middle-aged men, that can be become almost an obsession focusing on trying to do every possible thing possible because that's what seems the most interesting to you.
00:28:23.440 --> 00:28:36.000
What I will say is you will the reason older uh adults um uh shift more towards emotional meaning is because that's where their real meaning is.
00:28:36.559 --> 00:28:44.799
They don't they aren't switching because they can't have more frequency or they can't have more variety or novelty.
00:28:45.039 --> 00:28:49.519
They s they shift their focus because they find that's where the real meaning is.
00:28:49.839 --> 00:29:00.160
Um so again, the the implications for long-term marriages sexual relationships are going to shift.
00:29:00.400 --> 00:29:12.880
I say going to for the majority of older adults, sexual relationships are going to shift toward emotional, meaningful intimacy rather than purely physical performance.
00:29:14.079 --> 00:29:19.200
So those those things tend to make the big biggest difference in the long run.
00:29:19.440 --> 00:29:19.759
Yeah.
00:29:20.480 --> 00:29:21.680
Any surprises?
00:29:22.559 --> 00:29:34.720
No, but I think what I love is hearing these studies, which some of them have to do with um looking at Christian marriages, most of them don't.
00:29:34.960 --> 00:30:04.480
Um, but all of them and their findings are solidifying what we already know about God's plan for marriage and and intimacy in all realms of your marriage, that it's all meant to work together, that the focus in your marriage should not be sex for sex sake, but that it should be about creating oneness and connection with one another.
00:30:04.640 --> 00:30:14.960
And that when you do that over a whole lifetime together, ultimately it is about the deep emotional intimacy you create.
00:30:15.839 --> 00:30:17.680
That's a uh yeah, a great point.
00:30:17.839 --> 00:30:29.200
And I think it's also important to recognize um first, these none of these studies were aimed at looking at Christian marriages.
00:30:29.519 --> 00:30:45.039
These are in in some cases atheistic or even agnostic researchers who are finding through their studies coming to the same conclusions as biblical instruction.
00:30:45.279 --> 00:30:45.440
Yeah.
00:30:46.400 --> 00:30:48.319
And so I think that's really important.
00:30:48.480 --> 00:31:18.480
The the other important uh implication here uh is that even especially in these long longitudinal studies where they're looking at these couples over long periods of time, physiologically, it is impossible for men, well, unless you're supplementing um hormones or whatever, but it is impossible for men and women to maintain the level of libido, naturally derived libido from a hormonal standpoint.
00:31:18.640 --> 00:31:21.920
Like you can't when you're 50, you can't live like you're 20.
00:31:22.160 --> 00:31:24.079
Your body just doesn't do that.
00:31:24.319 --> 00:31:29.839
When you're 80, your body is not the same as when it was 50 or 40 or whatever it might be.
00:31:30.079 --> 00:31:41.200
And so again, the emphasis still that these researchers find is that sexual satisfaction is not correlated by libido.
00:31:41.440 --> 00:31:47.440
It your natural sexual desire does not correlate with the degree of sexual satisfaction.
00:31:47.519 --> 00:31:50.240
And I think that should give hope to everyone.
00:31:50.559 --> 00:31:50.799
Yeah.
00:31:50.960 --> 00:31:59.200
That these findings aren't saying 20-year-olds are having great, the best sex, and too bad, so sad, by the time you're 80.
00:31:59.279 --> 00:32:00.319
That's not what these findings are.
00:32:00.720 --> 00:32:01.839
In fact, it's the very opposite.
00:32:01.920 --> 00:32:02.079
Yeah.
00:32:02.240 --> 00:32:10.079
That couples are growing in their relationship and in their sexual relationship and their sad their sexual satisfaction.
00:32:10.160 --> 00:32:20.160
They are growing together despite the challenges that they face in aging and life and stress and parenthood and everything else.
00:32:20.480 --> 00:32:31.359
And I would say not just despite, but when you take those challenges and work together, that's what produces the fruit of a healthy, intimate marriage.
00:32:31.759 --> 00:32:32.319
Right.
00:32:32.640 --> 00:32:50.160
So the big summary, if even if we're if we're just summarizing these three um research publications, uh, is that couples who maintain strong relationships tend to maintain strong sexual relationships.
00:32:50.319 --> 00:32:52.160
And that's really the key point.
00:32:52.559 --> 00:33:07.200
Focus on your marriage, focus on building one another up, focus on connecting emotionally and spiritually and relationally, focus on that connection and great sex will become a part of that.
00:33:07.519 --> 00:33:14.720
And I I love that these studies help point out, I think, our mission.
00:33:14.960 --> 00:33:18.319
Like, you know, people all the time, oh, you have a sex podcast.
00:33:18.480 --> 00:33:24.480
Well, yes, and no, because what we have is a relationship podcast.
00:33:24.799 --> 00:33:51.680
We have a marriage podcast that yes, uses this platform to talk about how does that play out within your marriage bed, but more specifically, how does your married sex life showcase your relationship, the oneness that is a part that should be, by God's design, a part of every aspect of intimacy within your marriage.
00:33:51.920 --> 00:34:01.839
And so that's exactly that you have to have a strong marriage relationship in order to have a strong sexual relationship.
00:34:02.160 --> 00:34:08.800
And it is all necessary and tied together because God designed it to all work together.
00:34:09.119 --> 00:34:10.159
What a beautiful plan.
00:34:10.320 --> 00:34:15.360
What a beautiful, what a great God to design such an amazing relationship.
00:34:15.760 --> 00:34:23.840
And Matt, it's pretty cool to see science showing us off, showing off that God's plan works.
00:34:24.000 --> 00:34:28.559
So yay you for finding all of the research.
00:34:28.960 --> 00:34:29.920
Glad to help.
00:34:31.119 --> 00:34:38.960
Now it's time to grab your spouse and your Bible and head to your kitchen table to have the conversation about building lifelong love.
00:34:39.280 --> 00:34:50.079
What are you going to do to support each other and your marriage so that you continue to grow towards oneness, even in the face of the challenges that you will face?
00:34:50.400 --> 00:34:51.599
We'd love to hear your feedback.
00:34:51.679 --> 00:34:52.400
What did we miss?
00:34:52.559 --> 00:34:57.920
What uh findings, what's what sexual research articles have you come across that uh seem interesting?
00:34:58.079 --> 00:35:00.320
I'd certainly love to review those with you.
00:35:00.480 --> 00:35:17.599
Uh give us uh send us an email, contact us by emailing podcast at intimatecovenant.com, or if you'd like to be anonymous about it, uh go to our website, intimatecovenant.com/slash podcast, and you can click the button to submit an anonymous uh form.
00:35:18.400 --> 00:35:22.880
Thanks to all of you for listening, subscribing, rating, and sharing the podcast.
00:35:23.039 --> 00:35:27.199
We're truly humbled by your encouragement and all of your support.
00:35:27.360 --> 00:35:30.639
And thanks especially to our Patreon subscribers.
00:35:30.800 --> 00:35:39.840
These are the individuals who come alongside us in a very real way and help support us financially so that we can do what we love here.
00:35:40.079 --> 00:35:44.239
If Intimate Covenant has blessed your marriage, we'd love to have you join us too.
00:35:44.400 --> 00:35:47.840
Subscribe at patreon.com slash intimate covenant.
00:35:48.159 --> 00:35:50.880
We'd also encourage you to support our affiliate businesses.
00:35:51.039 --> 00:35:57.360
These are uh businesses that have uh contributed to Intimate Covenant in a special way.
00:35:57.679 --> 00:36:06.079
These businesses also have links and exclusive discount codes that help to support, of course, them.
00:36:06.239 --> 00:36:11.119
They can provide you with uh incredible and high-quality products.
00:36:11.280 --> 00:36:17.599
Uh and if you support them, they support us, and it all works like one big happy family.
00:36:17.760 --> 00:36:21.360
Uh links to those uh those companies are in our show notes.
00:36:21.599 --> 00:36:26.880
Also in the show notes, I'm gonna include the links to those research studies if you want to read them yourself.
00:36:27.199 --> 00:36:34.079
But until then, until next time, keep striving and don't settle.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.799
Hey Jen, wanna talk about some new sex research?
00:00:03.120 --> 00:00:04.799
Your hypothesis has failed.
00:00:05.120 --> 00:00:05.280
Right.
00:00:05.360 --> 00:00:16.000
Today on the podcast, we're talking about recent scientific research that identifies some key habits and attitudes leading to a lifetime of healthy marriage and fulfilling sex.
00:00:16.320 --> 00:00:17.440
Let's do it.
00:00:22.640 --> 00:00:23.600
Welcome, friends.
00:00:23.839 --> 00:00:24.239
Welcome.
00:00:24.320 --> 00:00:27.280
We're Mad and Jen, and this is the Intimate Covenant Podcast.
00:00:27.440 --> 00:00:32.880
Where we believe the Bible and great marriage sex both belong on your kitchen table.
00:00:33.119 --> 00:00:33.759
That's right.
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We are talking about godly marriage and hot sex and emotionally fulfilling oneness.
00:00:40.799 --> 00:00:43.520
And we're glad that you have joined us.
00:00:43.920 --> 00:00:50.000
If you'd like more information about us, you can look on our website at intimatecovenant.com.
00:00:50.399 --> 00:00:52.479
And we would always love to hear from you.
00:00:52.640 --> 00:00:56.719
You can email us at podcast at intimatecovenant.com.
00:00:57.200 --> 00:01:08.879
Not surprisingly, recent science supports the fact that couples with healthy relationships have the most satisfying and most fulfilling sex lives.
00:01:09.359 --> 00:01:10.560
Anybody surprised by that?
00:01:10.719 --> 00:01:11.359
I hope not.
00:01:11.439 --> 00:01:15.280
If you've been listening to our podcast even for one episode.
00:01:15.680 --> 00:01:30.799
But today we want to look at some of this research and try to glean some takeaways about the attitudes, the practices, and the habits specifically that result in the most fulfilling marriages and the most extraordinary sex lives.
00:01:31.120 --> 00:01:33.040
It's gonna be a good episode.
00:01:33.120 --> 00:01:36.640
But before we get there, some quick announcements.
00:01:36.959 --> 00:01:48.239
You should already know this if you're a longtime listener of ours, but if you're new around these parts, you know that retreat registration has opened.
00:01:48.560 --> 00:01:56.719
We are um excitedly preparing for this year's marriage retreat, and the registration opened on Valentine's Day.
00:01:56.879 --> 00:02:00.959
We're gonna go on air and let you know that we had a few hiccups.
00:02:01.280 --> 00:02:02.319
Oh, goodness me.
00:02:02.480 --> 00:02:11.360
Uh yes, there were definitely some uh problems with the website and something called plugins and something called WooCommerce.
00:02:11.520 --> 00:02:12.000
I don't know.
00:02:12.319 --> 00:02:17.599
There was a lot happening behind the scenes that made it a little bit difficult for you to register for the retreat.
00:02:17.759 --> 00:02:17.919
Yes.
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However, it has all been worked out to the best of our knowledge.
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As far as we can tell, we are now getting retreat registrations uh coming through.
00:02:27.439 --> 00:02:32.479
The forms are being filled out, they are getting into our inbox, and payments can now be accepted.
00:02:32.560 --> 00:02:33.520
So Yeah, yeah.
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The biggest problem was you could register but not pay, which is great.
00:02:37.360 --> 00:02:41.680
We'd love to do this for free, but the hotel doesn't want to do it for free.
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So that that wasn't gonna work.
00:02:43.439 --> 00:02:44.719
Uh, but it's all working now.
00:02:44.800 --> 00:02:48.960
If you have tried to register for the retreat and it didn't work, try again.
00:02:49.199 --> 00:02:49.919
Please try again.
00:02:50.000 --> 00:02:51.919
We have things fixed.
00:02:52.240 --> 00:02:56.560
This year's retreat is September 24th through the 26th.
00:02:56.639 --> 00:03:02.240
And you can go to intimatecovenant.com slash retreat to find out way more details about it.
00:03:02.479 --> 00:03:07.280
Yeah, lots more details about our theme and some other exciting uh announcements.
00:03:07.680 --> 00:03:09.520
And um, yeah, please join us.
00:03:09.680 --> 00:03:14.000
It is a wonderful, wonderful weekend, and we want to see you there.
00:03:14.319 --> 00:03:18.639
We also want to see you at the Alabama Marriage Day.
00:03:18.800 --> 00:03:30.879
If you're in Alabama or you just want to drive to the amazing state of Alabama, we are excitedly in the works for planning that um with a great host there.
00:03:31.120 --> 00:03:33.439
And uh that is happening in April.
00:03:33.599 --> 00:03:39.759
You can find more information about the Alabama Marriage Day at intimatecovenant.com slash Alabama.
00:03:39.919 --> 00:03:40.879
Yeah, and stay tuned.
00:03:40.960 --> 00:03:48.800
Uh, some other announcements coming your way as well, some other uh marriage enrichment weekends uh in the works.
00:03:48.879 --> 00:03:53.120
So hopefully uh we'll have some more announcements uh about some of those uh coming soon.
00:03:53.439 --> 00:03:54.159
We're excited.
00:03:54.319 --> 00:03:59.520
We love to come and meet you and see you, and for you to come to us for the retreat.
00:03:59.919 --> 00:04:00.560
Our favorite thing.
00:04:00.879 --> 00:04:01.199
Absolutely.
00:04:01.280 --> 00:04:04.560
Some of the best, uh one one of the best parts about doing what we do.
00:04:04.719 --> 00:04:08.719
And um, so yeah, definitely want to see you when we can have that opportunity.
00:04:08.960 --> 00:04:09.360
All right.
00:04:09.439 --> 00:04:12.800
So today's episode, uh, let's get into it.
00:04:12.960 --> 00:04:18.480
We're looking at research, and I know you all are just so excited.
00:04:18.879 --> 00:04:24.000
Um, Matt is just thrilled because he loves the science of all this.
00:04:24.319 --> 00:04:25.600
I'm chomping at the bit for this episode.
00:04:26.000 --> 00:04:35.279
And I know, but for all the rest of us, I recognize not everybody likes to read scientific journals and articles and publications.
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There are those of us who love the the people who do read that.
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Oh, well, that's sweet of you.
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I love you, honey.
00:04:42.079 --> 00:04:44.560
Not everybody even loves the people that do those things.
00:04:44.800 --> 00:04:45.040
That's true.
00:04:45.279 --> 00:04:56.399
Uh I want to assure you, before you instantly turn this off, uh, we we are not going to dig into the depths and the details and the technicalities of the research.
00:04:56.560 --> 00:05:00.000
Uh we want to make this as accessible as possible.
00:05:00.160 --> 00:05:02.319
And most importantly, we want to make this relevant.
00:05:02.480 --> 00:05:08.959
So we're going to look at some principles, and I think uh we're going to find something for everyone uh in this episode.
00:05:09.279 --> 00:05:31.839
But since the episode is about research, and really one of the things that kind of inspired me to put this episode together is um we want you, as our listeners, to have the opportunity to take part in some new scientific research on uh married women's sexual experiences.
00:05:32.079 --> 00:05:36.879
Now, that does not mean that you are going to be having sex for the sake of science.
00:05:37.199 --> 00:05:38.000
No, no.
00:05:39.120 --> 00:05:46.160
Nor does it even mean that they're going to be asking you uh questions that you maybe just don't really want to share.
00:05:46.319 --> 00:05:52.480
Um, I want to assure all of our listeners that this is a project I have already been involved in.
00:05:52.560 --> 00:05:57.839
Um, and so I can a hundred percent recommend taking part in this survey.
00:05:58.240 --> 00:06:03.680
It's uh pretty much harmless, but uh the the research is being uh performed by Dr.
00:06:03.839 --> 00:06:05.360
Jessica McCleese.
00:06:05.920 --> 00:06:09.439
She is a professor at Regent University.
00:06:09.680 --> 00:06:17.360
Uh, she's also a certified Christian sex therapist, and as you might imagine, she is a researcher there at Regent University.
00:06:17.519 --> 00:06:23.360
Uh her team partnering with Jay Parker, you probably recognize Jay Parker.
00:06:23.439 --> 00:06:26.800
Uh, she's been a guest on her podcast at least once.
00:06:26.959 --> 00:06:30.399
We've been on her podcast, and Jen's been on her podcasts a number of times.
00:06:30.639 --> 00:06:37.199
She's been part of one of our favorite bloggers, authors, speakers with Hot Holy and Humorous.
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Um, so yes, Jay Parker is also a part of all of this.
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Yes.
00:06:41.600 --> 00:06:47.439
They they as a group are studying married women's sexual experiences.
00:06:47.759 --> 00:06:56.639
Uh, and uh their project title is The Lived Experience of Marital Sex, Women's Perspectives.
00:06:56.800 --> 00:07:18.560
Uh, and I'll just read, just straight read uh from their website, uh, which says uh there is a lack of research regarding the sexual experiences of married women across the lifespan, which has resulted in women lacking necessary resources to create meaningful and enjoyable experiences with their spouse.
00:07:18.959 --> 00:07:30.879
We believe that every woman's voice is important and that as women share their experiences, they can learn from one another and experience the fulfilling relationship that they deserve.
00:07:31.199 --> 00:07:40.639
By participating, you will be contributing to meaningful insights that can improve awareness, resources, and future care for women.
00:07:40.959 --> 00:07:47.920
Your voice matters, and your voluntary participation can make a real difference.
00:07:48.480 --> 00:07:58.399
So they're looking for wives with lots of different backgrounds to just be a part of this and to take it's about a 20-minute survey.
00:07:58.480 --> 00:08:05.279
Again, it was very easy, it was very harmless, like you know, nothing hard about it.
00:08:05.839 --> 00:08:07.600
And it and very private, obviously.
00:08:07.839 --> 00:08:08.399
Yeah, of course.
00:08:08.639 --> 00:08:12.720
It is it is entirely voluntary, so you're not gonna be paid for this.
00:08:12.879 --> 00:08:18.879
Um, but uh uh it it is also you're also not going to pay to do it as well.
00:08:19.040 --> 00:08:21.279
Uh obviously, it is very confidential.
00:08:21.360 --> 00:08:29.600
This is being done at a uh research institution, and so you will uh all of your information will be kept private and confidential.
00:08:29.680 --> 00:08:33.519
Uh you must be 18 years or older uh to participate.
00:08:33.679 --> 00:08:37.279
Hopefully, most, if not all of our audience, is 18 years or older.
00:08:37.600 --> 00:08:38.799
That's that should be the plan.
00:08:39.120 --> 00:08:49.759
And to participate, you should be a married woman, married woman who engages in some type of sexual experience with her husband or who desires to.
00:08:50.080 --> 00:08:50.159
Right.
00:08:50.240 --> 00:08:53.519
So you don't necessarily have to be married to take the survey.
00:08:53.600 --> 00:09:00.879
Uh, you just have to be a woman who wants to be married and who uh wishes to engage in sexual activity with her husband.
00:09:01.039 --> 00:09:04.480
Uh, I'm gonna include the survey link uh in the show notes.
00:09:04.559 --> 00:09:08.879
It is a Survey Monkey uh link, and uh that'll be available in the show notes.
00:09:09.120 --> 00:09:30.480
We would really encourage all of you to all of you who are eligible to participate uh because um, as you might imagine, we're gonna talk about some research studies today, but uh the problem with most research is that it is done entirely from very select audiences and groups.
00:09:30.960 --> 00:09:54.480
And while researchers, in for the most part, try to do a good job of getting a cross-section of the demographic they're trying to study, whether that's American women or whatever, um, I would venture to say that Christian women are highly underrepresented in widespread and reputable research studies.
00:09:54.639 --> 00:10:18.320
And so uh having your voice in these studies will go a long way towards helping uh researchers better understand uh what it is that Christian women experience and what it is that they need to help them uh develop a healthy sexual identity, to help them develop a healthy sexual relationship in their marriage.
00:10:18.639 --> 00:10:27.919
And and as someone who has taken the survey, I just want to go out there and also say you don't have to have a healthy sex life right now to take the survey.
00:10:28.159 --> 00:10:51.279
In fact, they need to hear voices from women who are in all walks of life right now, whatever your season looks like, whether it's great or it's struggling, could be better, the worst it's ever been, whatever that is, your voice matters in this survey in order to get a full picture of what does it look like within marriages.
00:10:51.519 --> 00:10:52.480
Yeah, that's a great point.
00:10:52.559 --> 00:11:04.639
Uh in fact, some of you with unhealthy either experiences or current relationships will be able to speak very well to what the challenges are that uh Christian women face.
00:11:04.799 --> 00:11:13.039
So again, uh I'm I would ask you, uh we would ask you to take part in this survey if you have at all uh opportunity.
00:11:13.360 --> 00:11:19.360
And we'll thank you in advance for Jay Parker, our friend and uh and colleague as well.
00:11:20.000 --> 00:11:22.480
Uh so again, speaking of research.
00:11:22.799 --> 00:11:24.000
Speaking of research.
00:11:24.320 --> 00:11:38.000
Today we're gonna look at some recently published research articles uh that really are primarily are about married couples, uh long-term relationships, and um the their sexual well-being.
00:11:38.159 --> 00:11:54.399
Uh specifically, we're looking at three recent studies that, and if you're weird like me, you get Google alerts, Google Scholar alerts every once in a while that tell you when some new research has been published regarding long-term sexual relationships.
00:11:54.559 --> 00:12:12.879
And uh, these are some that I've just been kind of keeping in the back of my mind to um, or that that kind of made my list as some studies that had some intriguing findings, uh, things that I think are not just interesting but relevant to our audience, that is all of you who are listening.
00:12:12.960 --> 00:12:18.240
Um, but these three studies look at some different aspects of married relationships.
00:12:18.399 --> 00:12:22.000
Sometimes they're only looking at what are called long-term relationships.
00:12:22.080 --> 00:12:29.919
They don't necessarily specify married relationships, but we're gonna assume that's the same thing for the stake of uh this uh podcast.
00:12:30.000 --> 00:12:38.720
Uh, and the the dynamics in those relationships that resulted in both relational and or sexual satisfaction.
00:12:39.120 --> 00:12:42.000
So um that's what we're looking at.
00:12:42.159 --> 00:12:44.159
Three three specific studies.
00:12:44.480 --> 00:12:46.240
Well, get into the first one, Matt.
00:12:46.320 --> 00:12:47.679
We're all anxiously awaiting.
00:12:48.080 --> 00:12:48.799
Everybody wants to know.
00:12:48.960 --> 00:13:03.919
Okay, so this uh this first episode, or sorry, this first um article, the first uh publication is was titled Sexual Script Flexibility and Sexual Well-being in long-term couples.
00:13:04.240 --> 00:13:08.480
Um, so that's a mouthful, but I think it's relatively self-explanatory.
00:13:08.559 --> 00:13:15.279
Uh, this was published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2023, so not that far ago.
00:13:15.759 --> 00:13:18.480
And um, here's a couple of the key findings.
00:13:18.559 --> 00:13:24.159
So without quoting, without digging into the depths of the research, uh, here's a couple of key findings.
00:13:24.320 --> 00:13:33.440
One of them is that flexible sexual expectations are linked with higher sexual satisfaction.
00:13:34.000 --> 00:13:35.440
So, what does that mean?
00:13:36.080 --> 00:13:45.759
Uh that means that um, in their words, individuals who reported who reported greater sexual script flexibility, let's define that first.
00:13:45.919 --> 00:13:46.159
Yeah.
00:13:46.399 --> 00:13:49.519
What is sexual script flexibility?
00:13:50.080 --> 00:13:59.360
That is uh the ability to change your expectations when you meet sexual challenges.
00:13:59.600 --> 00:14:17.360
As a couple or as an individual, if you are able to enter into a sexual experience with one set of expectations, but you are able to pivot those expectations when something doesn't uh happen exactly like you would have preferred.
00:14:17.759 --> 00:14:23.200
Uh, if that is you would be someone who has a greater sexual script flexibility.
00:14:23.279 --> 00:14:26.559
Because I mean, let's face it, we all have a script in our mind.
00:14:26.720 --> 00:14:28.080
Well, I don't know if everybody does.
00:14:28.240 --> 00:14:29.759
I'll speak for myself.
00:14:30.000 --> 00:14:32.960
Um you know, you have something in mind, right?
00:14:33.120 --> 00:14:36.639
You you have an expectation of how the night's gonna go, right?
00:14:36.960 --> 00:14:48.080
Um, and uh it it the the old adage is of course, you know, expectations are um a way to predict uh failure and disappointment.
00:14:48.240 --> 00:14:52.480
So as soon as you make plans, uh those plans are going to likely change.
00:14:52.879 --> 00:15:08.960
But uh what this what this uh study demonstrated is that those who were able to have flexibility in their sexual script were able to, or they did, report higher sexual satisfaction.
00:15:09.360 --> 00:15:20.879
And what's also interesting about this, not only did the individual with the ability to adapt have better um sexual satisfaction, their partners did also.
00:15:21.360 --> 00:15:21.519
Yeah.
00:15:21.759 --> 00:15:31.919
So if I'm able to adjust my expectations, my partner also is going to have a better sexual experience and a better sexual relationship as well.
00:15:32.320 --> 00:15:34.480
Um is that surprising?
00:15:34.639 --> 00:15:34.879
No.
00:15:35.039 --> 00:15:38.720
Is that something that we all often, though, think about or consider?
00:15:39.279 --> 00:15:40.240
Probably not.
00:15:40.399 --> 00:15:46.000
Uh, and so you know, there there's probably some, there are some long-term implications uh about that.
00:15:46.159 --> 00:15:56.720
The second finding that was uh interesting from this study is that uh, as the author said, flexibility helps couples navigate sexual difficulties.
00:15:57.600 --> 00:16:23.919
So assuming that you have problems, that you're good that you uh might possibly, I mean, hypothetically, encounter problems in your sexual relationship, I say that tongue in cheek because uh you're going to have uh challenges and difficulties in your sex lives, uh, even if the only difficulty you experience is aging, uh listen, aging is going to affect your sex life at some point.
00:16:24.159 --> 00:16:33.200
But um if you are if you're able to be flexible, you will be much more able to navigate some of these difficulties that uh will come up.
00:16:33.600 --> 00:16:46.000
If you have very rigid expectations, uh one example that was mentioned in the article is um the expectation that sex must include intercourse.
00:16:46.240 --> 00:16:48.559
Oh wow, that's interesting that they mentioned that.
00:16:48.720 --> 00:16:55.759
I mean, I think if you're a listener to this podcast, you have heard us multiple times say that sex is not just intercourse.
00:16:55.840 --> 00:17:00.480
You need to broaden out your definition of of sex within your married sex life.
00:17:00.639 --> 00:17:00.879
Yeah.
00:17:01.120 --> 00:17:09.839
So so if if your expectation is that sex equals intercourse, then that can cause a whole lot more struggle.
00:17:10.160 --> 00:17:12.319
That's what the article, what I mean, what the findings were.
00:17:12.640 --> 00:17:13.039
Absolutely.
00:17:13.119 --> 00:17:23.440
And you know, there's plenty of other possibilities like uh other things like uh which uh individual, which spouse has to initiate sex.
00:17:23.599 --> 00:17:30.799
If you're very rigid in those expectations, um you are not going to be able to adapt to changes.
00:17:32.480 --> 00:17:36.240
Only happens in certain circumstances at certain times, right?
00:17:36.400 --> 00:17:37.839
In you know, certain ways.
00:17:39.200 --> 00:17:46.559
Certain places, uh, certain activities have to happen, uh orgasm has to happen by one or both partners.
00:17:46.880 --> 00:18:06.160
All of those were expectations that were listed by the authors that were named specifically, although certainly not limited to those expectations, but all of those things were listed by the authors as things that presented challenges to um couples who were not willing to be flexible with their expectations.
00:18:06.480 --> 00:18:06.720
Right.
00:18:06.799 --> 00:18:17.440
Because whereas flexible couples and having those flexible approaches allow couples to maintain intimacy despite challenges.
00:18:17.759 --> 00:18:23.359
So when they come up against that challenge, that's not a brick wall, they just find a way to work around.
00:18:23.599 --> 00:18:30.880
Yes, and again, I think this goes back to something that we've kind of said over and over again: orgasm is not the goal, intercourse is not the goal.
00:18:31.039 --> 00:18:36.079
The goal with our sex our sex lives is intimacy and oneness.
00:18:36.319 --> 00:18:48.720
And as long as we're looking for that, then we can find so many different ways to meet that oneness and enhance that oneness in a sexual way.
00:18:49.039 --> 00:19:07.359
So uh I think the implication here for long-term marriages is that couples who maintain satisfying sexual relationships are able to adapt their sexual patterns over time rather than maintaining rigid expectations.
00:19:07.839 --> 00:19:22.799
And I think one other key to this, which isn't didn't really the the authors of the study didn't really go into this a lot, but a key to this is you're gonna have to have multiple conversations over time as you face difficulties.
00:19:23.119 --> 00:19:23.359
Right.
00:19:23.519 --> 00:19:27.119
How else are you adapting, you know, if you're not discussing this?
00:19:27.279 --> 00:19:35.119
And so if you're gonna be able to have those conversations, then you need to learn how to have those conversations, right?
00:19:35.519 --> 00:19:47.200
It's great to think that, oh, we're we're so deeply in love that when we face challenges, we're just gonna know, and we're just gonna know how to res how the other person needs us to respond in the moment.
00:19:47.359 --> 00:19:49.039
Uh, that is a fairy tale, folks.
00:19:49.119 --> 00:19:50.240
That's not going to happen.
00:19:50.480 --> 00:19:52.799
So you gotta have the conversations.
00:19:53.200 --> 00:19:56.000
Um, so let's move on to the next one.
00:19:56.160 --> 00:19:56.400
Yeah.
00:19:56.559 --> 00:20:05.039
Uh here the the next study is uh was published by a group in uh a journal called Family Process in 2024.
00:20:05.200 --> 00:20:09.359
Uh the title of the study is Longitudinal Associations.
00:20:09.599 --> 00:20:11.359
Okay, and everybody's checked out.
00:20:11.599 --> 00:20:13.279
Just yeah, don't worry about the title.
00:20:13.440 --> 00:20:24.880
But the uh just for those of you who care, the title is Longitudinal Associations between relational and sexual well-being in couples transitioning to parenthood.
00:20:25.119 --> 00:20:27.200
Ooh, I caught those last couple of words.
00:20:27.440 --> 00:20:29.519
Any transitioning to parenthood.
00:20:29.839 --> 00:20:35.200
And for those of you who have been there, you recognize that is a challenging place to be.
00:20:35.359 --> 00:20:42.720
Uh, for those of you who have not yet transitioned to parenthood in your marriage, just wait, it's coming for you.
00:20:42.799 --> 00:20:46.319
Uh it's uh uh there there are definitely challenges in that.
00:20:46.480 --> 00:21:01.200
Um and the the the whole idea of longitudinal associations means like what what happens to the relationship and to your sex life as you are a couple that is moving from no kids to having kids.
00:21:01.519 --> 00:21:02.079
Right.
00:21:02.480 --> 00:21:04.319
So the key findings of the study.
00:21:05.759 --> 00:21:07.680
Um I'll just quote the authors here.
00:21:07.839 --> 00:21:21.920
They said that uh declines in relationship quality were associated with declines in sexual satisfaction and increases in sexual distress for both partners.
00:21:22.640 --> 00:21:32.720
So what that means is if you are having stress in your relationship, you think parenthood causes new stress in relationships?
00:21:33.039 --> 00:21:33.680
Just a little.
00:21:33.920 --> 00:21:36.160
Uh yes, for a fact it does.
00:21:36.640 --> 00:21:46.640
Um, and if you have um poorer sex lives, that also, of course, happens in your relationship.
00:21:46.880 --> 00:22:07.440
But what they found, which is interesting here, is not only is there an association between sexual satisfaction and relationship quality, not only did they and they also found that they There is a relationship between stress in partners and decline in relationship quality.
00:22:07.759 --> 00:22:18.480
What they found, which is interesting, is that the quality of the relationship is what drove the quality of sexual satisfaction.
00:22:18.640 --> 00:22:24.880
In other words, having a poor relationship is what leads to poor sex.
00:22:25.119 --> 00:22:28.640
It is not poor sex that leads to a poor relationship.
00:22:29.440 --> 00:22:33.279
So I don't I took a lot of words to say that, but that's what they found there.
00:22:33.680 --> 00:22:40.079
The other finding is sexual well-being operates as a couple-level system.
00:22:40.400 --> 00:22:53.359
Again, I'm using their words, but essentially what that means is changes in one partner's relational well-being had an impact on the other partner's sexual well-being.
00:22:53.599 --> 00:22:56.880
Again, there were these what they're calling dyadic.
00:22:57.200 --> 00:23:02.240
We're, you know, again, we're getting science-y here, but it's the partner-to-partner effects.
00:23:02.400 --> 00:23:10.880
If one person does not feel good about the relationship, the other person's sexual satisfaction will be will decline.
00:23:11.359 --> 00:23:13.519
Meaning it's all integrated.
00:23:13.680 --> 00:23:17.519
You cannot separate sex from the rest of your relationship.
00:23:17.759 --> 00:23:21.519
You cannot separate the rest of your relationship from your sex life.
00:23:21.920 --> 00:23:32.240
You can't say we're just going to put our sex life on hold until the kids get older because both will suffer, both your sex life and your your entire relate, your emotional well-being.
00:23:32.480 --> 00:23:36.400
Well, sounds a lot like what we say that sex is your relationship.
00:23:36.559 --> 00:23:36.799
Yes.
00:23:37.039 --> 00:23:40.799
It's it's not the one thing that you do behind closed doors.
00:23:40.960 --> 00:23:44.480
It is it is all interconnected together.
00:23:44.799 --> 00:23:45.279
Precisely.
00:23:45.440 --> 00:23:46.240
Yeah, precisely.
00:23:46.559 --> 00:24:02.240
Again, um, and and again, this so this the implication for long-term marriages is again this the sexual vitality, the the life of your sex um uh sexual relationship is not independent of the relationship.
00:24:02.319 --> 00:24:06.400
They they all go together and they evolve together.
00:24:06.640 --> 00:24:10.480
As one is strengthened, the other is strengthened, and and vice versa.
00:24:11.039 --> 00:24:16.240
But again, relational health drives sexual health, not the other way around.
00:24:16.559 --> 00:24:19.519
Which I think is is surprising to a lot of people.
00:24:19.759 --> 00:24:21.359
That's gonna be that is surprising to a lot of people.
00:24:21.519 --> 00:24:30.480
I mean, uh, some some of us would love to believe that if we just get the sex right, then we can the rest will take care of itself, uh, or the other way around.
00:24:30.640 --> 00:24:38.559
But you know, again, the the overall though, um, if you have a poor sex life, you don't just need to work on your sex life.
00:24:38.640 --> 00:24:41.680
You don't need to learn new techniques and novelty.
00:24:42.000 --> 00:24:42.160
Right.
00:24:42.400 --> 00:24:47.440
Your poor sex life is a symptom of a poor relationship.
00:24:47.680 --> 00:24:47.839
Yeah.
00:24:48.079 --> 00:24:51.039
And so you've you've got to focus on all of it.
00:24:51.440 --> 00:24:55.599
More sex or and better sex are not going to fix your poor relationship.
00:24:55.839 --> 00:25:04.960
Um again, if if you have sex problems, look in the mirror and fix yourself and fix your relationship, and the rest will follow.
00:25:05.359 --> 00:25:05.680
All right.
00:25:05.839 --> 00:25:06.799
One last study.
00:25:06.960 --> 00:25:08.480
Oh, I'm so disappointed.
00:25:08.559 --> 00:25:10.480
We're already at the the last study.
00:25:10.559 --> 00:25:12.640
Um, I should have put three more in here.
00:25:13.359 --> 00:25:14.079
Go ahead, honey.
00:25:14.319 --> 00:25:16.240
Nope, go ahead, honey, she says.
00:25:16.480 --> 00:25:22.640
Uh the third study uh was published in Social Sciences just last year in 2025.
00:25:22.880 --> 00:25:26.960
Uh, the title is Love, Sex, and Aging.
00:25:27.279 --> 00:25:32.319
Gendered Perspective on Relationship Desires and Satisfaction in Older Adulthood.
00:25:32.640 --> 00:25:37.039
Oh, so our last one dealt with parenthood, and this one deals with aging.
00:25:37.440 --> 00:25:38.400
Older adulthood.
00:25:38.720 --> 00:25:45.920
I would love to say that I can take credit for choosing these studies that cover multi-generations, but uh that that was a happy accident.
00:25:46.160 --> 00:25:47.440
Uh it's working well.
00:25:48.079 --> 00:25:52.559
Some of us are older, having just celebrated my 50th birthday.
00:25:52.720 --> 00:25:57.039
Um, some of us are older, so this is uh even more relevant for me.
00:25:57.279 --> 00:25:58.960
Uh key findings.
00:25:59.759 --> 00:26:08.400
The uh the first one was, uh at least to me, was that emotional meaning becomes increasingly important with age.
00:26:08.559 --> 00:26:32.319
Again, I'm kind of quoting the authors here, but um, what what they said is that as people age, they begin to prioritize emotionally meaningful connections and positive experiences in their relationships uh over um just the pure physical sexual experiences.
00:26:32.720 --> 00:26:40.079
Um, so the emotional meaning becomes more and more important to uh folks as they age as a whole.
00:26:40.319 --> 00:26:56.079
Um, the second uh important finding, at least what I thought was important, is um, as they said, sexual satisfaction in later life is tied to more, uh is tied more to emotional intimacy than frequency.
00:26:56.559 --> 00:27:06.160
So again, uh just like the first finding, the emotional meaning was more important than novelty.
00:27:06.400 --> 00:27:15.039
They're also saying that emotional intimacy became more important to folks as they age rather than frequency of sex.
00:27:15.519 --> 00:27:27.119
Yeah, that older adults tend to focus less on that novelty or that frequency and more on connection, companionship, and relational fulfillment.
00:27:27.359 --> 00:27:28.160
Right, exactly.
00:27:28.319 --> 00:27:32.000
So uh again, that seems to be true.
00:27:32.079 --> 00:27:37.599
I don't know if that's gonna be true for everybody out there, but that seems to be um something that's important.
00:27:37.759 --> 00:27:40.880
So uh here's one important takeaway from that.
00:27:42.160 --> 00:27:57.200
Um you as a if you are a young person, if you are a young married couple, you don't have to focus on trying to do every possible thing that's in that's possible.
00:27:57.440 --> 00:27:57.599
Right.
00:27:57.839 --> 00:28:02.640
You you don't and you that ultimately is a lot less important.
00:28:03.039 --> 00:28:23.200
Now that for a lot of young, we'll just stereotype and say for a lot of young men, even middle-aged men, that can be become almost an obsession focusing on trying to do every possible thing possible because that's what seems the most interesting to you.
00:28:23.440 --> 00:28:36.000
What I will say is you will the reason older uh adults um uh shift more towards emotional meaning is because that's where their real meaning is.
00:28:36.559 --> 00:28:44.799
They don't they aren't switching because they can't have more frequency or they can't have more variety or novelty.
00:28:45.039 --> 00:28:49.519
They s they shift their focus because they find that's where the real meaning is.
00:28:49.839 --> 00:29:00.160
Um so again, the the implications for long-term marriages sexual relationships are going to shift.
00:29:00.400 --> 00:29:12.880
I say going to for the majority of older adults, sexual relationships are going to shift toward emotional, meaningful intimacy rather than purely physical performance.
00:29:14.079 --> 00:29:19.200
So those those things tend to make the big biggest difference in the long run.
00:29:19.440 --> 00:29:19.759
Yeah.
00:29:20.480 --> 00:29:21.680
Any surprises?
00:29:22.559 --> 00:29:34.720
No, but I think what I love is hearing these studies, which some of them have to do with um looking at Christian marriages, most of them don't.
00:29:34.960 --> 00:30:04.480
Um, but all of them and their findings are solidifying what we already know about God's plan for marriage and and intimacy in all realms of your marriage, that it's all meant to work together, that the focus in your marriage should not be sex for sex sake, but that it should be about creating oneness and connection with one another.
00:30:04.640 --> 00:30:14.960
And that when you do that over a whole lifetime together, ultimately it is about the deep emotional intimacy you create.
00:30:15.839 --> 00:30:17.680
That's a uh yeah, a great point.
00:30:17.839 --> 00:30:29.200
And I think it's also important to recognize um first, these none of these studies were aimed at looking at Christian marriages.
00:30:29.519 --> 00:30:45.039
These are in in some cases atheistic or even agnostic researchers who are finding through their studies coming to the same conclusions as biblical instruction.
00:30:45.279 --> 00:30:45.440
Yeah.
00:30:46.400 --> 00:30:48.319
And so I think that's really important.
00:30:48.480 --> 00:31:18.480
The the other important uh implication here uh is that even especially in these long longitudinal studies where they're looking at these couples over long periods of time, physiologically, it is impossible for men, well, unless you're supplementing um hormones or whatever, but it is impossible for men and women to maintain the level of libido, naturally derived libido from a hormonal standpoint.
00:31:18.640 --> 00:31:21.920
Like you can't when you're 50, you can't live like you're 20.
00:31:22.160 --> 00:31:24.079
Your body just doesn't do that.
00:31:24.319 --> 00:31:29.839
When you're 80, your body is not the same as when it was 50 or 40 or whatever it might be.
00:31:30.079 --> 00:31:41.200
And so again, the emphasis still that these researchers find is that sexual satisfaction is not correlated by libido.
00:31:41.440 --> 00:31:47.440
It your natural sexual desire does not correlate with the degree of sexual satisfaction.
00:31:47.519 --> 00:31:50.240
And I think that should give hope to everyone.
00:31:50.559 --> 00:31:50.799
Yeah.
00:31:50.960 --> 00:31:59.200
That these findings aren't saying 20-year-olds are having great, the best sex, and too bad, so sad, by the time you're 80.
00:31:59.279 --> 00:32:00.319
That's not what these findings are.
00:32:00.720 --> 00:32:01.839
In fact, it's the very opposite.
00:32:01.920 --> 00:32:02.079
Yeah.
00:32:02.240 --> 00:32:10.079
That couples are growing in their relationship and in their sexual relationship and their sad their sexual satisfaction.
00:32:10.160 --> 00:32:20.160
They are growing together despite the challenges that they face in aging and life and stress and parenthood and everything else.
00:32:20.480 --> 00:32:31.359
And I would say not just despite, but when you take those challenges and work together, that's what produces the fruit of a healthy, intimate marriage.
00:32:31.759 --> 00:32:32.319
Right.
00:32:32.640 --> 00:32:50.160
So the big summary, if even if we're if we're just summarizing these three um research publications, uh, is that couples who maintain strong relationships tend to maintain strong sexual relationships.
00:32:50.319 --> 00:32:52.160
And that's really the key point.
00:32:52.559 --> 00:33:07.200
Focus on your marriage, focus on building one another up, focus on connecting emotionally and spiritually and relationally, focus on that connection and great sex will become a part of that.
00:33:07.519 --> 00:33:14.720
And I I love that these studies help point out, I think, our mission.
00:33:14.960 --> 00:33:18.319
Like, you know, people all the time, oh, you have a sex podcast.
00:33:18.480 --> 00:33:24.480
Well, yes, and no, because what we have is a relationship podcast.
00:33:24.799 --> 00:33:51.680
We have a marriage podcast that yes, uses this platform to talk about how does that play out within your marriage bed, but more specifically, how does your married sex life showcase your relationship, the oneness that is a part that should be, by God's design, a part of every aspect of intimacy within your marriage.
00:33:51.920 --> 00:34:01.839
And so that's exactly that you have to have a strong marriage relationship in order to have a strong sexual relationship.
00:34:02.160 --> 00:34:08.800
And it is all necessary and tied together because God designed it to all work together.
00:34:09.119 --> 00:34:10.159
What a beautiful plan.
00:34:10.320 --> 00:34:15.360
What a beautiful, what a great God to design such an amazing relationship.
00:34:15.760 --> 00:34:23.840
And Matt, it's pretty cool to see science showing us off, showing off that God's plan works.
00:34:24.000 --> 00:34:28.559
So yay you for finding all of the research.
00:34:28.960 --> 00:34:29.920
Glad to help.
00:34:31.119 --> 00:34:38.960
Now it's time to grab your spouse and your Bible and head to your kitchen table to have the conversation about building lifelong love.
00:34:39.280 --> 00:34:50.079
What are you going to do to support each other and your marriage so that you continue to grow towards oneness, even in the face of the challenges that you will face?
00:34:50.400 --> 00:34:51.599
We'd love to hear your feedback.
00:34:51.679 --> 00:34:52.400
What did we miss?
00:34:52.559 --> 00:34:57.920
What uh findings, what's what sexual research articles have you come across that uh seem interesting?
00:34:58.079 --> 00:35:00.320
I'd certainly love to review those with you.
00:35:00.480 --> 00:35:17.599
Uh give us uh send us an email, contact us by emailing podcast at intimatecovenant.com, or if you'd like to be anonymous about it, uh go to our website, intimatecovenant.com/slash podcast, and you can click the button to submit an anonymous uh form.
00:35:18.400 --> 00:35:22.880
Thanks to all of you for listening, subscribing, rating, and sharing the podcast.
00:35:23.039 --> 00:35:27.199
We're truly humbled by your encouragement and all of your support.
00:35:27.360 --> 00:35:30.639
And thanks especially to our Patreon subscribers.
00:35:30.800 --> 00:35:39.840
These are the individuals who come alongside us in a very real way and help support us financially so that we can do what we love here.
00:35:40.079 --> 00:35:44.239
If Intimate Covenant has blessed your marriage, we'd love to have you join us too.
00:35:44.400 --> 00:35:47.840
Subscribe at patreon.com slash intimate covenant.
00:35:48.159 --> 00:35:50.880
We'd also encourage you to support our affiliate businesses.
00:35:51.039 --> 00:35:57.360
These are uh businesses that have uh contributed to Intimate Covenant in a special way.
00:35:57.679 --> 00:36:06.079
These businesses also have links and exclusive discount codes that help to support, of course, them.
00:36:06.239 --> 00:36:11.119
They can provide you with uh incredible and high-quality products.
00:36:11.280 --> 00:36:17.599
Uh and if you support them, they support us, and it all works like one big happy family.
00:36:17.760 --> 00:36:21.360
Uh links to those uh those companies are in our show notes.
00:36:21.599 --> 00:36:26.880
Also in the show notes, I'm gonna include the links to those research studies if you want to read them yourself.
00:36:27.199 --> 00:36:34.079
But until then, until next time, keep striving and don't settle.
