00:00:00
Speaker 1: You have to be with people who are excited to see you, who see your light, appreciate your light, that love what you bring to the table. And what's the point of having a lukewarm relationship where it's not really exciting at all, you know, and there's not really any spark there. It's kind of like, what are you doing? Are you just doing it to like occupy your time? And there's so many other things that you could possibly be doing. If a relationship is lukewarm, maybe best to step back.
00:00:40
Speaker 2: Hey everyone, Emily a body here bringing you another installment of Hurdle Moment from her at All. Now, if you're new to the show, welcome, I'm happy to have you. Let me give you the stick about what Hurdle Moment Wednesdays are all about. On the Hurdle Moment episodes, I am tackling the topics that are on your mind, often related to popular messages I'm getting in my inbox or my dms, or topics of conversation in the Super Secret Hurdler's Facebook group. Now, if you're not in, that link to join in is in the show notes. So related to those I connect with top experts to give you the information The tips, the tricks that you need to live healthier, happier, more motivated lives. So today's topic, I am diving into friendship, specifically how to make friends as an adult, and it is certainly something that I've navigated both between getting older and having friends leaving the city, and so to rap about this, I am bringing in one of my good friends, Christina Rudolfo.
00:01:43
Speaker 3: She's a beauty editor, speaker.
00:01:45
Speaker 2: And host and also, as she says in her Instagram bio, which we laugh about today, your new beauty bff.
00:01:52
Speaker 3: We talk about it all in today's episode.
00:01:54
Speaker 2: From strategies to making friends, where to find said friends, what to do if you want to befriend someone that you only know via social media, how to deal with someone that may not want to be your friend, what you do if you go on a friend day and you're just not driving the right way to walk away from that potential non friendship, and how to protect your boundaries, How to be smart in your friendship so that you're really getting both the most out of the relationship.
00:02:23
Speaker 3: And looking out for your best interest.
00:02:26
Speaker 2: Lots of good stuff in here. Super grateful to Christina for her time. If you don't follow her on Instagram.
00:02:32
Speaker 3: Do it. The link to do that is in the show notes.
00:02:34
Speaker 2: I am just blown away by her wealth of knowledge on all things beauty. And if you need a solid foundation or mascara recommendation, Christina is your girl. Of note, this episode did originally run in twenty twenty one, but I've been getting so many messages about female friendships that I felt that now was the perfect time to drop it back into the feed. Sure you're following along on Hurdle over at Hurdle Podcast. You can find me over at emily A Bye, and I put this call in last episode, but I'm hunting listener questions for a special listener questions episode. The link to leave me a voice message to have your voice featured on the show is in the show notes. That's it for now. With that, let's get to it. Let's get to Hurdling.
00:03:31
Speaker 3: Today.
00:03:32
Speaker 2: I'm sitting down with Christina Rudolfo. She is known to many as their beauty BFF. She's also a writer and editor, a host, a good friend of mine.
00:03:42
Speaker 3: Hi.
00:03:43
Speaker 2: Hi, if you're going to be my beauty BFF, then you can be my actual BF.
00:03:47
Speaker 4: I'm everyone's just actual BFF.
00:03:51
Speaker 3: I love that for you. I love that for us.
00:03:53
Speaker 2: You and I were chatting the other day and I was talking to you about a concern that arised in the c at Hurdler's Facebook group, which was that everyone is chatting about how to make friends when you get older.
00:04:06
Speaker 4: It's so tough.
00:04:07
Speaker 3: It's so tough.
00:04:08
Speaker 1: It's something that people don't warn you about.
00:04:10
Speaker 4: That along with you know.
00:04:12
Speaker 1: Saving, saving for your four oh one k and you know, all this, all the all the real life things that no one really tells you when you're a kid.
00:04:20
Speaker 2: No one really tells you. And friends come and go as you become an adult. Because when you're younger and you're mostly staying in the same place, you're going to elementary school, middle school, high school, Okay, cool, you've got like a solid chunk of time there. Then you go to college and you meet all of these people and hey, you're going to be there for four years. Cool, great solid chunk of time there. Then you go through a little transition when you move to wherever you're going to move. But after that, like all bets are off, like everyone can go anywhere.
00:04:47
Speaker 1: It's so unpredictable too, especially this past year. You know, we've been seeing so many people leaving the city and moving across the country and quitting their jobs, or just having such huge life changes that just sets everybody on different paths. And it also happens with life milestones too, you know, people getting married, people having kids. That just changes the dynamic of friendships as well. So as you get older and you're trying to, you know, find your core group of people or just your person, you know, it's it gets really hard and lonely. And I think that something people don't really think about is how to maintain friendships as an adult, just because it all becomes all about convenience and proximity.
00:05:30
Speaker 2: It is very difficult, and I think what you just said is really important that it can become about proximity or convenience. Like when you get older and you have good friends and you happen to end up in different locations, those relationships no longer are because of convenience.
00:05:47
Speaker 3: These are relationships that you have to choose to both work on.
00:05:51
Speaker 2: If one person is willing to put in a hell of a lot of effort into your friendship and the other person isn't, it could be because of a circumstance or something going on in their life. Or maybe they just don't have the capacity or the interest. Sometimes you've got to walk away from that kind of friendship.
00:06:06
Speaker 1: Yes, and that is sometimes the most difficult thing because speaking as a very sentimental person, you know, whenever I have history with somebody, if I grew up with them, if we work together, you know, you just have that sense of closeness that might not exist in the present moment. But because you had that closeness before, it gets so hard to let go of that. If you know that life season is over. And this is another thing. You know, it's like sometimes friends just come for a season in your life and that's okay. You know, I had a hard time really letting go of people, and as I've gotten older, I've become more comfortable with the idea because everyone's just you know, trying to make it on their own and just doing their best. And it gets really hard. But you know, if you really care about a relationship, you're going to put in the effort. I always compare it to dating because it's so similar. You know, like whatever energy you're putting out, the other person has to be putting in the same amount of energy. Because I can't tell you the number of times I feel like I've put my energy out there and like tried to connect with people and it wasn't reciprocated, and I felt almost rejected in a way, you know, like, oh, you don't want to be my friend?
00:07:14
Speaker 4: Why not? What's wrong with me?
00:07:15
Speaker 1: But I've come to realize that if you know, people don't see your light or if they don't respond to you, then it's okay, you could keep going.
00:07:23
Speaker 2: And we just kind of jumped like right into the swing of things here and wrapping about friendships and whatnot. But really, what I think we want to focus on today is chatting about strategies to implement to possibly make new friends as you get older.
00:07:39
Speaker 3: Correct, Yes, okay, So I do want to.
00:07:41
Speaker 2: Touch on before we get into like these specific actionable takeaways, to touch on what you were saying about letting friends go, because I think that's the hardest thing. And it wasn't until I think I had my first friend breakup, so to speak, maybe like four or five years ago. I had just gotten out of a long term relationship, and I will lie I was going through it and like I was completely like self serving, self focused, and I think at that time, you know some people that I was close with, or perhaps an individual that I was close with, like maybe just didn't want to entertain that kind of friend which was difficult for me at the time for sure, But the way that she went about it, I'll never forget that, Like she.
00:08:26
Speaker 3: Just completely ghosted me.
00:08:28
Speaker 4: Oh gosh.
00:08:29
Speaker 3: It was so sad.
00:08:30
Speaker 2: It was very similar to like an actual romantic breakup in that I just had placed so much trust in her and I relied on her, and then one day she just stopped answering all my messages.
00:08:42
Speaker 1: Oh man, I feel the pain of that. Yeah, I feel that for sure.
00:08:46
Speaker 3: It was hard.
00:08:47
Speaker 2: It was hard, and you know what, With time though, because that was the first time that something like that had happened to me, I came to learn what you just referenced, which was that some relationships have seasons, including friendships, and you're not going to be a person for everybody. Yes, I recognize again, like I said at the start of that small little story blip, that I was in a certain place and I actually had reached out to her, uh and wrote her a letter.
00:09:14
Speaker 4: Oh wow, like a handwritten letter.
00:09:16
Speaker 2: Yeah, old school, and I apologized that I had not been in the best place and I'm sorry if I had made her feel like what was going on in her life didn't matter and that I really cared about her and I never heard back.
00:09:30
Speaker 1: Wow.
00:09:31
Speaker 3: Yeah, I actually removed her as an Instagram follower. Oh wow, well years later.
00:09:36
Speaker 1: That is one of the best tools that you have on Instagram, especially if someone is taking up your mental space for whatever reason. If you're this is like a different topic, I guess, but if you're posting something and you're worried about what so and so will think about what you're posting, or because all of us get caught up in that, just remove them as a follower.
00:09:53
Speaker 3: Yeah.
00:09:53
Speaker 2: And I only realized, like recently that I could do that. I thought you, I thought the only option was to block someone, But you you can just remove them and then they'll go to Instagram one day and they'll be like, wait when did I Unfollow'll be like.
00:10:06
Speaker 4: It's the best thing. It's a very empowering attack.
00:10:09
Speaker 3: Okay.
00:10:09
Speaker 2: So I hope that we just educated all of you on ways to better your mental health on social media. Now we're going to talk about strategies for making friends as you get older. So as Christina and I spoke about, we became better friends over the last year and change.
00:10:23
Speaker 3: What would you attribute that to.
00:10:25
Speaker 1: It's so weird because I feel like I've been following you on Instagram before I even met you in person. I think that we just because we work in media, we had a lot of mutual people that we know and hang out with. So I think that after following you on social media for a while and like responding to each other on dms and comments and things, I had a familiarity with you that I felt like, Oh, why don't we just hang out in real life? And I think that you know, you're so great about reaching out and like creating plans and following through with plans, which is such a big hurdle, you know for people when they're creating friendships, just to make that first move. It's kind of like I felt nervous, like, oh, we're you know, we're Instagram friends, but like, can we be like real life friends? Because I think you're really cool and.
00:11:10
Speaker 2: And I think sometimes like just saying that to start off with something you just said or hinted at, was that you felt like you and I had a lot in common. Yes, And I think that having something in common but also reaching out to people who you feel like have similar values to you. The reality is is that and you've heard this on the show before, but you are some of the people that you keep closest to you. So as you get older, I'm in the mental space that there isn't like a lot of time for bullshit, for lack of a better term, like I don't need just extra friends to collect in my friend basket. If I'm going to invest in a relationship and give someone some of my time, which I think we can all agree is one of our most valuable things, then you want to make sure that that's someone in your life that adds to your life, that builds you up, that encourages you, that you are align with, because why are you going to waste time on something that doesn't fill those buckets?
00:12:03
Speaker 4: Absolutely?
00:12:04
Speaker 1: And I think that you know, just like any other relationship, it's something that builds organically. I think that there's nothing that replaces like real life connection. So no matter how much you interact with somebody on social media, and I think a lot of us fall into this trap as well, where you think that social media interactions also amount to an actual friendship, but again, nothing replaces seeing a person in real life, looking at them in the eye, sharing your actual.
00:12:29
Speaker 4: Energy with them.
00:12:30
Speaker 1: I think that that is what can help grow closeness to people. And I think social media is like such an amazing tool for being introduced to somebody, you know, like it opens the door up to friendship. And I have met so many people through Instagram because we would follow each other and then we're in the same city and they ask me to coffee, and next thing you know, we're going to dinner, and next thing you know, we're going to drinks. And I think that it's just such an organic way to find like minded people because you already have a sense of what they like, and you also already have something to talk about. So I see something that you post on your Instagram stories or on your feed, and I'm like, oh, like, I see you just you finished a race, and you did and you had an amazing accomplishment, and that's something that I can ask you about because it's already on your social media. And likewise, with me, if you see that I do something, or if you see that I'm posting about a beauty product, you can ask me a question about it, you know. I feel like it just helps establish so many points of connection. And taking that offline is you know, it can be nerve wracking because you don't again, you don't want to feel rejected by anybody, but you just go for it. Don't be afraid to be the first person to say hi.
00:13:40
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think I mean saying hi is one thing. Making an actionable plan is another thing. So if you actually want to get together with someone, I would suggest proposing like a very specific thing that the two of you could go do. So it's not just like, oh, would you want to hang out next week? It's like, no, Hey, do you want to get a glass of wine next week? Do you want to meet up for coffee next week? Just be mindful about what it is exactly that you want to do with that person because when you take some of the decisions out of the equation, it's just like committing to a workout routine or becoming a morning person. The better you set up yourself to do either of those things, be a morning person, have a good workout routine. The less decision making that you have to do in the moment, the more likely you're going to stick with it. So when it comes to proposing this hang so to speak, make it easy on that person accommodate them. You could even do something like, Hey, I'm going to be in your area next week. Now, don't be creepy. But I remember when I went on an informational interview in college. I went and met with a deputy web editor or something at Shape magazine, and I was living in Connecticut, and I was like, I'm so going to be in the city next Thursday. Could you have some time just for me to ask you a few questions? Was not going to be in the city next Thursday, And I was like, let us do it, and she was like.
00:14:53
Speaker 3: Sure, you can come for lunch.
00:14:54
Speaker 2: And I was like, great, that's so I went in and I was like a junior in college and I took the train into this and met up with her. Long story short, you can do that with friends potential friends. Just be like, Hey, I'm going to be in Brooklyn next week or New York next wherever you're going to be. If you actually happen to live, like in a proximity where this would make sense, but make it easy for them, ask them to do something in their neighborhood, and then if you two click the next time, you might not have to travel so far.
00:15:21
Speaker 3: To put an effort on this relationship.
00:15:23
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm big on making a calendar invite as well and treating it just like any other appointment on your calendar.
00:15:29
Speaker 3: This is why you and I are cool.
00:15:31
Speaker 4: And Emily is so good about this too.
00:15:33
Speaker 1: She always sends a calendvite and like, love this girl, because it's like that's kind of what sets it in stone and makes the plans very real and everyone knows exactly what time, exactly what place, and then you can always follow up with each other on other details. And I just think that making that commitment to each other on the calendar, it just like solidifies it.
00:15:53
Speaker 3: Oh, one hundred percent.
00:15:54
Speaker 2: Okay, So the first tip was someone's going to make the ask, So get out, get out of your comfort its own, maybe ask someone to do something. The next tip is be specific in that ask. So if you're going to ask someone to do something, make sure that you are giving them a very detailed proposal of what you would like to do, maybe within reason, Like don't be like you can also wear your black tank top and your black jeans, I'm gonna be wearing heels.
00:16:17
Speaker 3: What are you gonna be wearing?
00:16:18
Speaker 2: Like?
00:16:18
Speaker 1: Maybe not yet, maybe not combine activities either, you know, like we're gonna get coffee and then we're gonna do a workout class and then we're gonna do lunch.
00:16:25
Speaker 4: And I think that's a bit much.
00:16:26
Speaker 2: It's a little it's a little much, because remember even though if you're if you're courting this friendship based off of social media, you still don't know a lot about them, Like you might think.
00:16:35
Speaker 3: You know a lot about them, but you don't know. It's a date, just like a date is a date.
00:16:39
Speaker 2: So you could go on this one outing and it could be great, or you could go on this outing and be like, not my style. And there's nothing wrong with either of those. Now that we've covered those two introductory tactics, what you got for me, Christina?
00:16:53
Speaker 1: So I would say, especially as people start going back into offices and working in an office environment, that's probably the best that you can make friends, honestly. And I know that some people say you shouldn't like mix personal with professional, but I couldn't, you know, I would disagree, just because having people in your workplace is so crucial to you, just your well being and thriving in that environment. So I think making the transition from work friends to IRL friends is something that a lot of people wonder how to do. Say you like somebody that you work with and they are really cool. I would say that you should start out with like start small, like get lunches during the work day or get coffee during the workday, and then after that, you know, if you guys are really vibing well, then you can invite them to a group thing, you know, like you have a casual birthday drinks, then you invite them and then that could turn into dinner later that month. You know. I feel like it's like any other relationship, just things happened organically and you have to give it some time, you know. Like I have made some of my closest friends in my adulthood within the past few years from my workplace, and a lot of times they were people and I didn't even work with directly. We were just in the same company.
00:18:07
Speaker 4: You know.
00:18:07
Speaker 1: We would see each other in the cafeteria. We would see each other by the watering the watering hole.
00:18:12
Speaker 3: Watering hole, by the water color.
00:18:16
Speaker 2: This is like like IRL, mean girls in the cafeteria when they're all like scraping at each other's just what it was.
00:18:22
Speaker 4: A watering hole.
00:18:23
Speaker 1: But yeah, And I think another thing is when you leave a job, making sure to maintain those friendships that you really enjoyed, just because it's so easy again to get caught up in only wanting convenience or proximity. So I have a really good friend. Her name's Alyssa, and we work together. We met in twenty fifteen and we were both working at l and she still works there right now. But she's so amazing at maintaining friendships because she really makes the effort all the time, and she plans themed parties where she invites people, she plans picnics, and you know, it's just I'm like, well, she's she's a maid.
00:19:00
Speaker 3: Yeah, can be my friend.
00:19:03
Speaker 1: Alyssa's wonderful. She but she she's just so great because she constantly follows up with you and checks on you. And I think that's another thing too, like don't and you're so good at this too, like don't be afraid to just check in, just to check in.
00:19:19
Speaker 3: Mm hmmm.
00:19:19
Speaker 2: And that's a good point when it comes to making solid friendships as you get older, it's really really important to make sure that it is a two way street. I talked about a time where I wasn't in the mental space to provide that for a friend, so I can understand why that might have been troublesome. You want to make sure if you're establishing a new friendship with someone that it is a true give and take. We don't have time to you know, div dilly dabble, divvy dp dilly.
00:19:46
Speaker 3: Daddle, dilly daddle.
00:19:47
Speaker 2: We don't have time to dilly daddle in like surface level relationships. We are looking for the real If you're looking for like a surface.
00:19:57
Speaker 3: I don't know. I'm not here to talk to you about surface level relationships.
00:20:00
Speaker 4: Who has time for that.
00:20:01
Speaker 1: I'm just like, life is too short men, and you want to have every relationship in your life add value to your life.
00:20:07
Speaker 3: I feel that.
00:20:07
Speaker 2: So, yeah, you want to make sure that as you go about your friend making journey that you are establishing give and take relationships and that again you feel filled up by these relationships. Now, another tactic that we can chat about when it comes to making friends. And you kind of brought this up with your work friend, kicking things off perhaps in a group way, if you're not ready to go one on one again with the pandemic, that kind of method has been a little difficult. Hopefully for many of us in some sort of safe capacity, opportunities like this may be coming back. So why do you think, Christina that the group paying is a great way to kind of get in with someone.
00:20:48
Speaker 1: I think it takes the pressure off of you. You know, one on one can be awkward, honestly, especially if you've never seen if you are social media friends, for example, you've never met in real life. It can be really awkward if you don't know somebody. So when you have a group, I feel like it helps because there's always going to be one or two other people or however many other people there to kind of add to the conversation to make it feel more comfortable. And honestly, I've met people through groups a lot. I feel like, you know, one time a friend invited me to go get dim sum with her friends, and I didn't know anyone else there. I just knew her and we were work friends, and that was so much.
00:21:27
Speaker 4: Fun, you know.
00:21:28
Speaker 1: And then one girl that was at that brunch we ended up going to a Broadway show together, just the two of us, not with my other friends. So it's kind of like, you never know. I'm a big proponent of going alone to functions, to social events, someone's birthday party or you know, afterworks drink thing, even if no one that you know is really going to it, or if you're not close to anyone who's really going, just because you really never know what connections you can make there and what people are there. And I think when I'm alone at an event and I don't have anyone to kind of lean on, a lot of times I become a lot more open and social, like you're kind of forced to say hi to people and introduce yourself.
00:22:14
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00:23:01
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00:23:04
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00:23:56
Speaker 3: Let's get back to hurdling.
00:24:05
Speaker 2: If you happen to be a single woman listening to this show, you may feel some kind of way about the fact that some of your friends are in relationships, they are married, and you may be like, well, this person can't go somewhere without their person, Like, don't make that decision for them.
00:24:24
Speaker 1: Yeah, people make that assumption about me sometimes because you know, Michael, my fiance and I are like joined at the hip, but most of the most of the time, but a lot of times we make the point to really hang out with our friends separately because it's so necessary to just have like individual lives apart from each other.
00:24:40
Speaker 4: And in order to you know, foster those relationships.
00:24:44
Speaker 1: You need to make sure that you're like watering that garden, you know, just because you're in a relationship. And I've seen this happen to other friends of mine. You know, you get in a relationship and all of a sudden, that person is your world. You don't really see anyone else outside of your bubble. And I totally understand that honeymoon phase, you know, but after a while, you really need to take stock of your relationships and ask yourself, when is the last time I saw the person I call my best friend?
00:25:08
Speaker 2: Yeah, And like, if you are the friend of this person, that doesn't mean that this person because they have a partner, doesn't feel lonely like you feel lonely sometimes, like they're going through their day just like you're going through your day, and there is still a need for that companionship that they need outside of that partnership. So again I would just say, and this is kind of a total tangent, but just don't throw them into a box that they didn't ask to be put in. Yes, okay, cool, I'm glad that we had that little chat. So back to friendship making strategies.
00:25:46
Speaker 1: What do you got take up a new hobby where you'll see familiar faces. So I have friends who are very into indoor climbing, and because it's a very tight knit community, they have met some of their closest friends through that. Even though I'm not an indoor climbing person, I see that and I'm like, that is such a cool thing. You know, as we get older, a lot of times our lives revolve around work and just socializing at work, doing things at work, thinking about work. So it's so essential to create hobbies outside of your job. And seeing my friends get into indoor climbing over the last few years has been so cool. And also you literally need somebody there to help you with billaying. So it's kind of like you even if you go alone, you have to approach somebody being like, hey, can you spot me? Or I don't know if that's the right terminology, sorry, climbers. Other things that I've seen people get into that are very cool, as like pottery, you know, like going to pottery class, taking up sewing lessons. Like when you're in a class environment, you're already in a kind of ecosystem of people who you have to collaborate with. So I feel like those are great ways to meet new people.
00:26:51
Speaker 4: Have you ever done that?
00:26:53
Speaker 3: Yeah?
00:26:53
Speaker 2: No, I definitely see that here in the New York running community. And I think that there are a couple of different approaches to getting involved in something like that, right, So the first step is actually getting involved, putting yourself in that situation, which in itself is kind of a big win for many putting yourself out there. And then in that scenario, if you meet someone that you really vibe with, that's when you can be like, hey, do you want to grab a drink after practice? Or Hey, like I'm doing this thing on Saturday, would you want to come with me? Now? I understand that putting yourself out there in that way can feel a little bit intimidating. So look to that club or organization because often times in situations like that, there are going to be different opportunities to continue to engage with these people outside of just like that once weekly practice or whatever you have going on. And also something else I'll add to this is you have to go into that scenario feeling really open to the idea of making friendships, which means like when you get there, you're not like standing in the corner on your phone. If someone looks at you, like, smile at them. Making friends is just it's a two way street. And if you're not there giving off that vibe, giving up the vibe that you want to be friendly, that you want to get to know these people, then you won't make friends period. Just being there isn't enough.
00:28:11
Speaker 1: I love that you're saying this because I think with our phones and all of us glued to our phones, especially in this city, that can be very antisocial, you know, everyone in their own bubbles. I think that it's so important to engage with people face to face, you know, say hello, introduce yourself, put on a big smile.
00:28:30
Speaker 2: And I feel like I hear it even though none of you are actually here with us, but I hear your questions. You're like, but I'm still I'm just not in the place where I want to be in big groups, like what am I supposed to do? And there are plenty of ways to engage with like minded people online. I'm not just going to like sit here and plug the Secret Hurdler's Facebook group.
00:28:49
Speaker 3: If you like.
00:28:50
Speaker 2: Something like a podcast, like a TV show, like a magazine, like a whatever, there are groups that center around that product. And just like we were saying about social media before, this gives you a mutual interest to talk to other people about in that space.
00:29:10
Speaker 3: So maybe in.
00:29:12
Speaker 2: The digital world you'll see that a podcast you love is hosting a workshop. Well, that digital workshop is a great place for you to jump in and meet like minded people. You're both there because you're into the same thing, and that is a great jumping off point.
00:29:28
Speaker 4: Clubhouse has been great for that.
00:29:30
Speaker 1: If you guys don't know, it's an app that's audio based and you can go into rooms with different topics and obviously everyone in the room is interested in the topic, and then a lot of people link their social media accounts to Clubhouse because we can't actually chat on the app, and I haven't been on it as much lately, but it's been amazing for meeting people, Like there was another woman who's also in the beauty industry who met me through Clubhouse, and we live in the same neighborhood. So we're planning to go get coffee. And that wouldn't have happened if I didn't just walk into that virtual room.
00:29:58
Speaker 2: I adore that. I adore that. Okay, so other friendship making strategies, what do you have for me?
00:30:04
Speaker 1: I think you can ask friends to set you up in the same way that they would set you up with a romantic partner.
00:30:09
Speaker 3: I dig this, I really dig this.
00:30:12
Speaker 1: Yes, expand Yeah, So say you move to a new city, or say you're visiting a city and you're gonna be there for a while. I think it's it's fun to just ask people that you're already friends with if they know anyone in the area that they think that you would vibe with, because chances are, if you have a mutual friend, you probably would get along with each other too, and then you already have a common point to talk about as well. How did you meet so and so that's such an easy entryway into a conversation.
00:30:36
Speaker 4: You never know who.
00:30:37
Speaker 1: Knows somebody who likes the same thing that you do. I feel like I have a friend who's always introducing people via email. You know, she's like, Christina likes Broadway musicals. This person likes Broadway musicals. You guys should like just get to know each other. And sometimes at first that took I was taken aback by that because I was like, Oh, that's such a strange thing to do. But when I think about it, actually, no, it's just expanding your horizons.
00:30:59
Speaker 2: All So think that now would be a good time for us to maybe rap a little bit about when to fall back, right. So two things to kind of throw into the mix here. The first thing is, like I said before, if you get together with someone and you're like kind of realizing that it might not be your vibe, there's no shade in that at all. What you do in that situation next is completely up to you. You can just kind of in a gracious way, I would say, bow out a little bit, what would you do in that situation?
00:31:35
Speaker 4: I think the.
00:31:35
Speaker 1: Mutual ghost is something that happens a lot if friends, if a friendship isn't not working out for bad reasons, you know, but maybe you just didn't really vibe with each other like you thought you would, or our schedules are conflicting and you just you can't put in the time to create that relationship, you know. I think that it's okay to kind of just step back from it and again, like you said, always be kind and if you see them again, it's okay you could just say, hey, maybe you'd want to pick it up again. Maybe there's something else that you guys can connect on, but if not, it's all right to kind of let that go.
00:32:08
Speaker 2: I would also say, be aware of what's actually happening, Like, don't tell yourself stories about what could be happening. So if you notice that with someone who maybe isn't your best friend, if you keep asking them to get together and they keep not getting together, then give them the space, Like you deserve a better friend than that, and that person can't give you whatever it is that you're looking for, and there's no shade in that they could be going through something that you have no idea.
00:32:41
Speaker 3: What's going on.
00:32:42
Speaker 2: Let them, let them deal with whatever they have to do on their own time. And maybe just maybe seek out that friendship in someone else, at least for the time being. That doesn't mean that you can't check in again in like a few months. But if you keep checking in and keep checking in and keep checking in and that person isn't giving you something, then let them go.
00:33:03
Speaker 1: Yeah, preach, you have to be with people who are excited to see you, who see your light, appreciate your light, that love what you bring to the table. And my favorite thing to say to friends, whether it's romantic relationships or friendships or anything, is what's the point of having a lukewarm relationship?
00:33:18
Speaker 3: Yeah?
00:33:18
Speaker 1: You know where it's not really exciting at all, you know, and there's not really any spark there. It's kind of like, what are you doing? Are you just doing it to like occupy your time? And there's so many other things that you could possibly be doing. If a relationship is lukewarm, maybe best to step back.
00:33:35
Speaker 3: Best to step back.
00:33:36
Speaker 2: And I also think that this is a good time for us to touch on the idea that if you find yourself with a lot of those lukewarm relationships, which I think can unfortunately happen, especially as we're talking about over the pandemic, a lot of people moving, a lot of things in flux. If you find yourself with a lot of those types of relationships, I would encourage you to focus on the things that bring you joy, maybe more than these lukewarm relationships. So there can be a lot of things that you can do with your time that don't involve just putting yourself in situations that don't make you feel good, that don't fill you up.
00:34:13
Speaker 4: Yeah.
00:34:13
Speaker 1: And I've definitely been in that position before where I didn't say no or I didn't set a boundary, and I felt like, oh, why am I here, you know, sitting through you know, something that I don't want to be at, And you know, I wasn't really honoring myself because I was afraid to be alone.
00:34:30
Speaker 3: Yeah.
00:34:30
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I mean all of these really really really really important topics, especially as we're getting older and kind of redefining what it means to be independent or be a good friend or be a good partner.
00:34:41
Speaker 3: What else do you want to rap about?
00:34:43
Speaker 1: I feel like the last point that I would make is be open to apps, because there are apps that exist that compare you with friends. I know, bumble does. I actually wrote a story a couple of years ago about using one of these apps. I don't think it exists anymore, but I use one of these apps to try and find a friend because I realized that my friend group was only my childhood friends, and because everyone is still in New York City and I grew up here, it's kind of easy to just be in that comfort zone. But I was eager to make other friends as well. And I think when I tried out this app, it was very much like a dating app. You create a profile, you kind of swipe through other people's profiles, and you see they like the same music that you do, or that you both like fitness classes and whatnot. So I remember matching with a girl and we decided to get drinks with each other, and it was as if we had known each other for so long, you know, and the experience completely surprised me. I remember when we had drinks with each other, we actually realized that we both love the same hip hop dance cardio class. And I was because I would go to that class by myself and wish that I would had a friend to go with because it's Vixen. Yeah, so it's like, you know, Beyonce inspired. I came across it like through just work, and then when I decided to take a class, I was like, this is so much fun. I wish that I had friends who were into this, but course none of my friends were into this. So I was like, all right, well, I'm going to go buy myself to these classes. It's great, shake it out like sweat a ton and have so much fun. But I remember when we were when I was having drinks with this girl, she ended up telling me, oh, there's this hip hop dance cardio class that I love, and I was like, no, wait, wait, wait wait, And I remember we connected on this and then after we got drinks, decided to go and go to a class together and that was so much fun and unexpected. And again it was all from meeting somebody on an app.
00:36:32
Speaker 3: I love that. I love that well. I hope that this was very helpful.
00:36:36
Speaker 4: I hope so too.
00:36:37
Speaker 1: There's so much to say on this topic, because as you get older, things change even more, you know, like you said, people keep moving away, people have career changes, people's priorities change as well. And I think the older we get, the more isolated we get in a way with our lives.
00:36:55
Speaker 2: And I would say, if you're listening to this and you came here because you are feeling alone or lonely, or that you're just like in this really stuck place with your friendships, know that you are not alone in that, and that is very real and something that literally everyone struggles with. And remember again that what you see on social media isn't the full picture. So you might think that you know that someone is super filled up in their relationships and you see them out and they're doing all these things, but you don't know how they really feel. So don't judge yourself based on the highlight reel of someone else, and stay true to yourself. Be willing to put yourself out there and good things could come from it.
00:37:36
Speaker 1: Yeah, just be yourself. There are people out there who will appreciate you and meet you where you are. I think that you should never forget just how special you are. And I think it's so easy to because it's easy to compare ourselves and our lives to other people and see, oh, they have such a strong friendship group. I wish I had that friendship group, or like, oh they have you know, such, like you said, such a full life. But don't compare yoursel you are so special. Don't forget it. Someone out there will appreciate you.
00:38:04
Speaker 2: Christina, how do the hurdlers keep up with you? How do they follow along with you? Give us all of the details.
00:38:10
Speaker 1: Yeah, you could find me on at Christina Rodolpho k R I S T I N A R O d U l f O on all social platforms.
00:38:18
Speaker 4: I love to DM people.
00:38:19
Speaker 2: She loves to dm people. Get ready, your new BFA is waiting in the messages. I'm over at Emily Body and at Hurdle Podcast Another Hurdle conquered.
00:38:29
Speaker 3: Catch you guys next time.
Speaker 1: You have to be with people who are excited to see you, who see your light, appreciate your light, that love what you bring to the table. And what's the point of having a lukewarm relationship where it's not really exciting at all, you know, and there's not really any spark there. It's kind of like, what are you doing? Are you just doing it to like occupy your time? And there's so many other things that you could possibly be doing. If a relationship is lukewarm, maybe best to step back.
00:00:40
Speaker 2: Hey everyone, Emily a body here bringing you another installment of Hurdle Moment from her at All. Now, if you're new to the show, welcome, I'm happy to have you. Let me give you the stick about what Hurdle Moment Wednesdays are all about. On the Hurdle Moment episodes, I am tackling the topics that are on your mind, often related to popular messages I'm getting in my inbox or my dms, or topics of conversation in the Super Secret Hurdler's Facebook group. Now, if you're not in, that link to join in is in the show notes. So related to those I connect with top experts to give you the information The tips, the tricks that you need to live healthier, happier, more motivated lives. So today's topic, I am diving into friendship, specifically how to make friends as an adult, and it is certainly something that I've navigated both between getting older and having friends leaving the city, and so to rap about this, I am bringing in one of my good friends, Christina Rudolfo.
00:01:43
Speaker 3: She's a beauty editor, speaker.
00:01:45
Speaker 2: And host and also, as she says in her Instagram bio, which we laugh about today, your new beauty bff.
00:01:52
Speaker 3: We talk about it all in today's episode.
00:01:54
Speaker 2: From strategies to making friends, where to find said friends, what to do if you want to befriend someone that you only know via social media, how to deal with someone that may not want to be your friend, what you do if you go on a friend day and you're just not driving the right way to walk away from that potential non friendship, and how to protect your boundaries, How to be smart in your friendship so that you're really getting both the most out of the relationship.
00:02:23
Speaker 3: And looking out for your best interest.
00:02:26
Speaker 2: Lots of good stuff in here. Super grateful to Christina for her time. If you don't follow her on Instagram.
00:02:32
Speaker 3: Do it. The link to do that is in the show notes.
00:02:34
Speaker 2: I am just blown away by her wealth of knowledge on all things beauty. And if you need a solid foundation or mascara recommendation, Christina is your girl. Of note, this episode did originally run in twenty twenty one, but I've been getting so many messages about female friendships that I felt that now was the perfect time to drop it back into the feed. Sure you're following along on Hurdle over at Hurdle Podcast. You can find me over at emily A Bye, and I put this call in last episode, but I'm hunting listener questions for a special listener questions episode. The link to leave me a voice message to have your voice featured on the show is in the show notes. That's it for now. With that, let's get to it. Let's get to Hurdling.
00:03:31
Speaker 3: Today.
00:03:32
Speaker 2: I'm sitting down with Christina Rudolfo. She is known to many as their beauty BFF. She's also a writer and editor, a host, a good friend of mine.
00:03:42
Speaker 3: Hi.
00:03:43
Speaker 2: Hi, if you're going to be my beauty BFF, then you can be my actual BF.
00:03:47
Speaker 4: I'm everyone's just actual BFF.
00:03:51
Speaker 3: I love that for you. I love that for us.
00:03:53
Speaker 2: You and I were chatting the other day and I was talking to you about a concern that arised in the c at Hurdler's Facebook group, which was that everyone is chatting about how to make friends when you get older.
00:04:06
Speaker 4: It's so tough.
00:04:07
Speaker 3: It's so tough.
00:04:08
Speaker 1: It's something that people don't warn you about.
00:04:10
Speaker 4: That along with you know.
00:04:12
Speaker 1: Saving, saving for your four oh one k and you know, all this, all the all the real life things that no one really tells you when you're a kid.
00:04:20
Speaker 2: No one really tells you. And friends come and go as you become an adult. Because when you're younger and you're mostly staying in the same place, you're going to elementary school, middle school, high school, Okay, cool, you've got like a solid chunk of time there. Then you go to college and you meet all of these people and hey, you're going to be there for four years. Cool, great solid chunk of time there. Then you go through a little transition when you move to wherever you're going to move. But after that, like all bets are off, like everyone can go anywhere.
00:04:47
Speaker 1: It's so unpredictable too, especially this past year. You know, we've been seeing so many people leaving the city and moving across the country and quitting their jobs, or just having such huge life changes that just sets everybody on different paths. And it also happens with life milestones too, you know, people getting married, people having kids. That just changes the dynamic of friendships as well. So as you get older and you're trying to, you know, find your core group of people or just your person, you know, it's it gets really hard and lonely. And I think that something people don't really think about is how to maintain friendships as an adult, just because it all becomes all about convenience and proximity.
00:05:30
Speaker 2: It is very difficult, and I think what you just said is really important that it can become about proximity or convenience. Like when you get older and you have good friends and you happen to end up in different locations, those relationships no longer are because of convenience.
00:05:47
Speaker 3: These are relationships that you have to choose to both work on.
00:05:51
Speaker 2: If one person is willing to put in a hell of a lot of effort into your friendship and the other person isn't, it could be because of a circumstance or something going on in their life. Or maybe they just don't have the capacity or the interest. Sometimes you've got to walk away from that kind of friendship.
00:06:06
Speaker 1: Yes, and that is sometimes the most difficult thing because speaking as a very sentimental person, you know, whenever I have history with somebody, if I grew up with them, if we work together, you know, you just have that sense of closeness that might not exist in the present moment. But because you had that closeness before, it gets so hard to let go of that. If you know that life season is over. And this is another thing. You know, it's like sometimes friends just come for a season in your life and that's okay. You know, I had a hard time really letting go of people, and as I've gotten older, I've become more comfortable with the idea because everyone's just you know, trying to make it on their own and just doing their best. And it gets really hard. But you know, if you really care about a relationship, you're going to put in the effort. I always compare it to dating because it's so similar. You know, like whatever energy you're putting out, the other person has to be putting in the same amount of energy. Because I can't tell you the number of times I feel like I've put my energy out there and like tried to connect with people and it wasn't reciprocated, and I felt almost rejected in a way, you know, like, oh, you don't want to be my friend?
00:07:14
Speaker 4: Why not? What's wrong with me?
00:07:15
Speaker 1: But I've come to realize that if you know, people don't see your light or if they don't respond to you, then it's okay, you could keep going.
00:07:23
Speaker 2: And we just kind of jumped like right into the swing of things here and wrapping about friendships and whatnot. But really, what I think we want to focus on today is chatting about strategies to implement to possibly make new friends as you get older.
00:07:39
Speaker 3: Correct, Yes, okay, So I do want to.
00:07:41
Speaker 2: Touch on before we get into like these specific actionable takeaways, to touch on what you were saying about letting friends go, because I think that's the hardest thing. And it wasn't until I think I had my first friend breakup, so to speak, maybe like four or five years ago. I had just gotten out of a long term relationship, and I will lie I was going through it and like I was completely like self serving, self focused, and I think at that time, you know some people that I was close with, or perhaps an individual that I was close with, like maybe just didn't want to entertain that kind of friend which was difficult for me at the time for sure, But the way that she went about it, I'll never forget that, Like she.
00:08:26
Speaker 3: Just completely ghosted me.
00:08:28
Speaker 4: Oh gosh.
00:08:29
Speaker 3: It was so sad.
00:08:30
Speaker 2: It was very similar to like an actual romantic breakup in that I just had placed so much trust in her and I relied on her, and then one day she just stopped answering all my messages.
00:08:42
Speaker 1: Oh man, I feel the pain of that. Yeah, I feel that for sure.
00:08:46
Speaker 3: It was hard.
00:08:47
Speaker 2: It was hard, and you know what, With time though, because that was the first time that something like that had happened to me, I came to learn what you just referenced, which was that some relationships have seasons, including friendships, and you're not going to be a person for everybody. Yes, I recognize again, like I said at the start of that small little story blip, that I was in a certain place and I actually had reached out to her, uh and wrote her a letter.
00:09:14
Speaker 4: Oh wow, like a handwritten letter.
00:09:16
Speaker 2: Yeah, old school, and I apologized that I had not been in the best place and I'm sorry if I had made her feel like what was going on in her life didn't matter and that I really cared about her and I never heard back.
00:09:30
Speaker 1: Wow.
00:09:31
Speaker 3: Yeah, I actually removed her as an Instagram follower. Oh wow, well years later.
00:09:36
Speaker 1: That is one of the best tools that you have on Instagram, especially if someone is taking up your mental space for whatever reason. If you're this is like a different topic, I guess, but if you're posting something and you're worried about what so and so will think about what you're posting, or because all of us get caught up in that, just remove them as a follower.
00:09:53
Speaker 3: Yeah.
00:09:53
Speaker 2: And I only realized, like recently that I could do that. I thought you, I thought the only option was to block someone, But you you can just remove them and then they'll go to Instagram one day and they'll be like, wait when did I Unfollow'll be like.
00:10:06
Speaker 4: It's the best thing. It's a very empowering attack.
00:10:09
Speaker 3: Okay.
00:10:09
Speaker 2: So I hope that we just educated all of you on ways to better your mental health on social media. Now we're going to talk about strategies for making friends as you get older. So as Christina and I spoke about, we became better friends over the last year and change.
00:10:23
Speaker 3: What would you attribute that to.
00:10:25
Speaker 1: It's so weird because I feel like I've been following you on Instagram before I even met you in person. I think that we just because we work in media, we had a lot of mutual people that we know and hang out with. So I think that after following you on social media for a while and like responding to each other on dms and comments and things, I had a familiarity with you that I felt like, Oh, why don't we just hang out in real life? And I think that you know, you're so great about reaching out and like creating plans and following through with plans, which is such a big hurdle, you know for people when they're creating friendships, just to make that first move. It's kind of like I felt nervous, like, oh, we're you know, we're Instagram friends, but like, can we be like real life friends? Because I think you're really cool and.
00:11:10
Speaker 2: And I think sometimes like just saying that to start off with something you just said or hinted at, was that you felt like you and I had a lot in common. Yes, And I think that having something in common but also reaching out to people who you feel like have similar values to you. The reality is is that and you've heard this on the show before, but you are some of the people that you keep closest to you. So as you get older, I'm in the mental space that there isn't like a lot of time for bullshit, for lack of a better term, like I don't need just extra friends to collect in my friend basket. If I'm going to invest in a relationship and give someone some of my time, which I think we can all agree is one of our most valuable things, then you want to make sure that that's someone in your life that adds to your life, that builds you up, that encourages you, that you are align with, because why are you going to waste time on something that doesn't fill those buckets?
00:12:03
Speaker 4: Absolutely?
00:12:04
Speaker 1: And I think that you know, just like any other relationship, it's something that builds organically. I think that there's nothing that replaces like real life connection. So no matter how much you interact with somebody on social media, and I think a lot of us fall into this trap as well, where you think that social media interactions also amount to an actual friendship, but again, nothing replaces seeing a person in real life, looking at them in the eye, sharing your actual.
00:12:29
Speaker 4: Energy with them.
00:12:30
Speaker 1: I think that that is what can help grow closeness to people. And I think social media is like such an amazing tool for being introduced to somebody, you know, like it opens the door up to friendship. And I have met so many people through Instagram because we would follow each other and then we're in the same city and they ask me to coffee, and next thing you know, we're going to dinner, and next thing you know, we're going to drinks. And I think that it's just such an organic way to find like minded people because you already have a sense of what they like, and you also already have something to talk about. So I see something that you post on your Instagram stories or on your feed, and I'm like, oh, like, I see you just you finished a race, and you did and you had an amazing accomplishment, and that's something that I can ask you about because it's already on your social media. And likewise, with me, if you see that I do something, or if you see that I'm posting about a beauty product, you can ask me a question about it, you know. I feel like it just helps establish so many points of connection. And taking that offline is you know, it can be nerve wracking because you don't again, you don't want to feel rejected by anybody, but you just go for it. Don't be afraid to be the first person to say hi.
00:13:40
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think I mean saying hi is one thing. Making an actionable plan is another thing. So if you actually want to get together with someone, I would suggest proposing like a very specific thing that the two of you could go do. So it's not just like, oh, would you want to hang out next week? It's like, no, Hey, do you want to get a glass of wine next week? Do you want to meet up for coffee next week? Just be mindful about what it is exactly that you want to do with that person because when you take some of the decisions out of the equation, it's just like committing to a workout routine or becoming a morning person. The better you set up yourself to do either of those things, be a morning person, have a good workout routine. The less decision making that you have to do in the moment, the more likely you're going to stick with it. So when it comes to proposing this hang so to speak, make it easy on that person accommodate them. You could even do something like, Hey, I'm going to be in your area next week. Now, don't be creepy. But I remember when I went on an informational interview in college. I went and met with a deputy web editor or something at Shape magazine, and I was living in Connecticut, and I was like, I'm so going to be in the city next Thursday. Could you have some time just for me to ask you a few questions? Was not going to be in the city next Thursday, And I was like, let us do it, and she was like.
00:14:53
Speaker 3: Sure, you can come for lunch.
00:14:54
Speaker 2: And I was like, great, that's so I went in and I was like a junior in college and I took the train into this and met up with her. Long story short, you can do that with friends potential friends. Just be like, Hey, I'm going to be in Brooklyn next week or New York next wherever you're going to be. If you actually happen to live, like in a proximity where this would make sense, but make it easy for them, ask them to do something in their neighborhood, and then if you two click the next time, you might not have to travel so far.
00:15:21
Speaker 3: To put an effort on this relationship.
00:15:23
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm big on making a calendar invite as well and treating it just like any other appointment on your calendar.
00:15:29
Speaker 3: This is why you and I are cool.
00:15:31
Speaker 4: And Emily is so good about this too.
00:15:33
Speaker 1: She always sends a calendvite and like, love this girl, because it's like that's kind of what sets it in stone and makes the plans very real and everyone knows exactly what time, exactly what place, and then you can always follow up with each other on other details. And I just think that making that commitment to each other on the calendar, it just like solidifies it.
00:15:53
Speaker 3: Oh, one hundred percent.
00:15:54
Speaker 2: Okay, So the first tip was someone's going to make the ask, So get out, get out of your comfort its own, maybe ask someone to do something. The next tip is be specific in that ask. So if you're going to ask someone to do something, make sure that you are giving them a very detailed proposal of what you would like to do, maybe within reason, Like don't be like you can also wear your black tank top and your black jeans, I'm gonna be wearing heels.
00:16:17
Speaker 3: What are you gonna be wearing?
00:16:18
Speaker 2: Like?
00:16:18
Speaker 1: Maybe not yet, maybe not combine activities either, you know, like we're gonna get coffee and then we're gonna do a workout class and then we're gonna do lunch.
00:16:25
Speaker 4: And I think that's a bit much.
00:16:26
Speaker 2: It's a little it's a little much, because remember even though if you're if you're courting this friendship based off of social media, you still don't know a lot about them, Like you might think.
00:16:35
Speaker 3: You know a lot about them, but you don't know. It's a date, just like a date is a date.
00:16:39
Speaker 2: So you could go on this one outing and it could be great, or you could go on this outing and be like, not my style. And there's nothing wrong with either of those. Now that we've covered those two introductory tactics, what you got for me, Christina?
00:16:53
Speaker 1: So I would say, especially as people start going back into offices and working in an office environment, that's probably the best that you can make friends, honestly. And I know that some people say you shouldn't like mix personal with professional, but I couldn't, you know, I would disagree, just because having people in your workplace is so crucial to you, just your well being and thriving in that environment. So I think making the transition from work friends to IRL friends is something that a lot of people wonder how to do. Say you like somebody that you work with and they are really cool. I would say that you should start out with like start small, like get lunches during the work day or get coffee during the workday, and then after that, you know, if you guys are really vibing well, then you can invite them to a group thing, you know, like you have a casual birthday drinks, then you invite them and then that could turn into dinner later that month. You know. I feel like it's like any other relationship, just things happened organically and you have to give it some time, you know. Like I have made some of my closest friends in my adulthood within the past few years from my workplace, and a lot of times they were people and I didn't even work with directly. We were just in the same company.
00:18:07
Speaker 4: You know.
00:18:07
Speaker 1: We would see each other in the cafeteria. We would see each other by the watering the watering hole.
00:18:12
Speaker 3: Watering hole, by the water color.
00:18:16
Speaker 2: This is like like IRL, mean girls in the cafeteria when they're all like scraping at each other's just what it was.
00:18:22
Speaker 4: A watering hole.
00:18:23
Speaker 1: But yeah, And I think another thing is when you leave a job, making sure to maintain those friendships that you really enjoyed, just because it's so easy again to get caught up in only wanting convenience or proximity. So I have a really good friend. Her name's Alyssa, and we work together. We met in twenty fifteen and we were both working at l and she still works there right now. But she's so amazing at maintaining friendships because she really makes the effort all the time, and she plans themed parties where she invites people, she plans picnics, and you know, it's just I'm like, well, she's she's a maid.
00:19:00
Speaker 3: Yeah, can be my friend.
00:19:03
Speaker 1: Alyssa's wonderful. She but she she's just so great because she constantly follows up with you and checks on you. And I think that's another thing too, like don't and you're so good at this too, like don't be afraid to just check in, just to check in.
00:19:19
Speaker 3: Mm hmmm.
00:19:19
Speaker 2: And that's a good point when it comes to making solid friendships as you get older, it's really really important to make sure that it is a two way street. I talked about a time where I wasn't in the mental space to provide that for a friend, so I can understand why that might have been troublesome. You want to make sure if you're establishing a new friendship with someone that it is a true give and take. We don't have time to you know, div dilly dabble, divvy dp dilly.
00:19:46
Speaker 3: Daddle, dilly daddle.
00:19:47
Speaker 2: We don't have time to dilly daddle in like surface level relationships. We are looking for the real If you're looking for like a surface.
00:19:57
Speaker 3: I don't know. I'm not here to talk to you about surface level relationships.
00:20:00
Speaker 4: Who has time for that.
00:20:01
Speaker 1: I'm just like, life is too short men, and you want to have every relationship in your life add value to your life.
00:20:07
Speaker 3: I feel that.
00:20:07
Speaker 2: So, yeah, you want to make sure that as you go about your friend making journey that you are establishing give and take relationships and that again you feel filled up by these relationships. Now, another tactic that we can chat about when it comes to making friends. And you kind of brought this up with your work friend, kicking things off perhaps in a group way, if you're not ready to go one on one again with the pandemic, that kind of method has been a little difficult. Hopefully for many of us in some sort of safe capacity, opportunities like this may be coming back. So why do you think, Christina that the group paying is a great way to kind of get in with someone.
00:20:48
Speaker 1: I think it takes the pressure off of you. You know, one on one can be awkward, honestly, especially if you've never seen if you are social media friends, for example, you've never met in real life. It can be really awkward if you don't know somebody. So when you have a group, I feel like it helps because there's always going to be one or two other people or however many other people there to kind of add to the conversation to make it feel more comfortable. And honestly, I've met people through groups a lot. I feel like, you know, one time a friend invited me to go get dim sum with her friends, and I didn't know anyone else there. I just knew her and we were work friends, and that was so much.
00:21:27
Speaker 4: Fun, you know.
00:21:28
Speaker 1: And then one girl that was at that brunch we ended up going to a Broadway show together, just the two of us, not with my other friends. So it's kind of like, you never know. I'm a big proponent of going alone to functions, to social events, someone's birthday party or you know, afterworks drink thing, even if no one that you know is really going to it, or if you're not close to anyone who's really going, just because you really never know what connections you can make there and what people are there. And I think when I'm alone at an event and I don't have anyone to kind of lean on, a lot of times I become a lot more open and social, like you're kind of forced to say hi to people and introduce yourself.
00:22:14
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00:23:01
Speaker 3: To be summer season.
00:23:04
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00:23:56
Speaker 3: Let's get back to hurdling.
00:24:05
Speaker 2: If you happen to be a single woman listening to this show, you may feel some kind of way about the fact that some of your friends are in relationships, they are married, and you may be like, well, this person can't go somewhere without their person, Like, don't make that decision for them.
00:24:24
Speaker 1: Yeah, people make that assumption about me sometimes because you know, Michael, my fiance and I are like joined at the hip, but most of the most of the time, but a lot of times we make the point to really hang out with our friends separately because it's so necessary to just have like individual lives apart from each other.
00:24:40
Speaker 4: And in order to you know, foster those relationships.
00:24:44
Speaker 1: You need to make sure that you're like watering that garden, you know, just because you're in a relationship. And I've seen this happen to other friends of mine. You know, you get in a relationship and all of a sudden, that person is your world. You don't really see anyone else outside of your bubble. And I totally understand that honeymoon phase, you know, but after a while, you really need to take stock of your relationships and ask yourself, when is the last time I saw the person I call my best friend?
00:25:08
Speaker 2: Yeah, And like, if you are the friend of this person, that doesn't mean that this person because they have a partner, doesn't feel lonely like you feel lonely sometimes, like they're going through their day just like you're going through your day, and there is still a need for that companionship that they need outside of that partnership. So again I would just say, and this is kind of a total tangent, but just don't throw them into a box that they didn't ask to be put in. Yes, okay, cool, I'm glad that we had that little chat. So back to friendship making strategies.
00:25:46
Speaker 1: What do you got take up a new hobby where you'll see familiar faces. So I have friends who are very into indoor climbing, and because it's a very tight knit community, they have met some of their closest friends through that. Even though I'm not an indoor climbing person, I see that and I'm like, that is such a cool thing. You know, as we get older, a lot of times our lives revolve around work and just socializing at work, doing things at work, thinking about work. So it's so essential to create hobbies outside of your job. And seeing my friends get into indoor climbing over the last few years has been so cool. And also you literally need somebody there to help you with billaying. So it's kind of like you even if you go alone, you have to approach somebody being like, hey, can you spot me? Or I don't know if that's the right terminology, sorry, climbers. Other things that I've seen people get into that are very cool, as like pottery, you know, like going to pottery class, taking up sewing lessons. Like when you're in a class environment, you're already in a kind of ecosystem of people who you have to collaborate with. So I feel like those are great ways to meet new people.
00:26:51
Speaker 4: Have you ever done that?
00:26:53
Speaker 3: Yeah?
00:26:53
Speaker 2: No, I definitely see that here in the New York running community. And I think that there are a couple of different approaches to getting involved in something like that, right, So the first step is actually getting involved, putting yourself in that situation, which in itself is kind of a big win for many putting yourself out there. And then in that scenario, if you meet someone that you really vibe with, that's when you can be like, hey, do you want to grab a drink after practice? Or Hey, like I'm doing this thing on Saturday, would you want to come with me? Now? I understand that putting yourself out there in that way can feel a little bit intimidating. So look to that club or organization because often times in situations like that, there are going to be different opportunities to continue to engage with these people outside of just like that once weekly practice or whatever you have going on. And also something else I'll add to this is you have to go into that scenario feeling really open to the idea of making friendships, which means like when you get there, you're not like standing in the corner on your phone. If someone looks at you, like, smile at them. Making friends is just it's a two way street. And if you're not there giving off that vibe, giving up the vibe that you want to be friendly, that you want to get to know these people, then you won't make friends period. Just being there isn't enough.
00:28:11
Speaker 1: I love that you're saying this because I think with our phones and all of us glued to our phones, especially in this city, that can be very antisocial, you know, everyone in their own bubbles. I think that it's so important to engage with people face to face, you know, say hello, introduce yourself, put on a big smile.
00:28:30
Speaker 2: And I feel like I hear it even though none of you are actually here with us, but I hear your questions. You're like, but I'm still I'm just not in the place where I want to be in big groups, like what am I supposed to do? And there are plenty of ways to engage with like minded people online. I'm not just going to like sit here and plug the Secret Hurdler's Facebook group.
00:28:49
Speaker 3: If you like.
00:28:50
Speaker 2: Something like a podcast, like a TV show, like a magazine, like a whatever, there are groups that center around that product. And just like we were saying about social media before, this gives you a mutual interest to talk to other people about in that space.
00:29:10
Speaker 3: So maybe in.
00:29:12
Speaker 2: The digital world you'll see that a podcast you love is hosting a workshop. Well, that digital workshop is a great place for you to jump in and meet like minded people. You're both there because you're into the same thing, and that is a great jumping off point.
00:29:28
Speaker 4: Clubhouse has been great for that.
00:29:30
Speaker 1: If you guys don't know, it's an app that's audio based and you can go into rooms with different topics and obviously everyone in the room is interested in the topic, and then a lot of people link their social media accounts to Clubhouse because we can't actually chat on the app, and I haven't been on it as much lately, but it's been amazing for meeting people, Like there was another woman who's also in the beauty industry who met me through Clubhouse, and we live in the same neighborhood. So we're planning to go get coffee. And that wouldn't have happened if I didn't just walk into that virtual room.
00:29:58
Speaker 2: I adore that. I adore that. Okay, so other friendship making strategies, what do you have for me?
00:30:04
Speaker 1: I think you can ask friends to set you up in the same way that they would set you up with a romantic partner.
00:30:09
Speaker 3: I dig this, I really dig this.
00:30:12
Speaker 1: Yes, expand Yeah, So say you move to a new city, or say you're visiting a city and you're gonna be there for a while. I think it's it's fun to just ask people that you're already friends with if they know anyone in the area that they think that you would vibe with, because chances are, if you have a mutual friend, you probably would get along with each other too, and then you already have a common point to talk about as well. How did you meet so and so that's such an easy entryway into a conversation.
00:30:36
Speaker 4: You never know who.
00:30:37
Speaker 1: Knows somebody who likes the same thing that you do. I feel like I have a friend who's always introducing people via email. You know, she's like, Christina likes Broadway musicals. This person likes Broadway musicals. You guys should like just get to know each other. And sometimes at first that took I was taken aback by that because I was like, Oh, that's such a strange thing to do. But when I think about it, actually, no, it's just expanding your horizons.
00:30:59
Speaker 2: All So think that now would be a good time for us to maybe rap a little bit about when to fall back, right. So two things to kind of throw into the mix here. The first thing is, like I said before, if you get together with someone and you're like kind of realizing that it might not be your vibe, there's no shade in that at all. What you do in that situation next is completely up to you. You can just kind of in a gracious way, I would say, bow out a little bit, what would you do in that situation?
00:31:35
Speaker 4: I think the.
00:31:35
Speaker 1: Mutual ghost is something that happens a lot if friends, if a friendship isn't not working out for bad reasons, you know, but maybe you just didn't really vibe with each other like you thought you would, or our schedules are conflicting and you just you can't put in the time to create that relationship, you know. I think that it's okay to kind of just step back from it and again, like you said, always be kind and if you see them again, it's okay you could just say, hey, maybe you'd want to pick it up again. Maybe there's something else that you guys can connect on, but if not, it's all right to kind of let that go.
00:32:08
Speaker 2: I would also say, be aware of what's actually happening, Like, don't tell yourself stories about what could be happening. So if you notice that with someone who maybe isn't your best friend, if you keep asking them to get together and they keep not getting together, then give them the space, Like you deserve a better friend than that, and that person can't give you whatever it is that you're looking for, and there's no shade in that they could be going through something that you have no idea.
00:32:41
Speaker 3: What's going on.
00:32:42
Speaker 2: Let them, let them deal with whatever they have to do on their own time. And maybe just maybe seek out that friendship in someone else, at least for the time being. That doesn't mean that you can't check in again in like a few months. But if you keep checking in and keep checking in and keep checking in and that person isn't giving you something, then let them go.
00:33:03
Speaker 1: Yeah, preach, you have to be with people who are excited to see you, who see your light, appreciate your light, that love what you bring to the table. And my favorite thing to say to friends, whether it's romantic relationships or friendships or anything, is what's the point of having a lukewarm relationship?
00:33:18
Speaker 3: Yeah?
00:33:18
Speaker 1: You know where it's not really exciting at all, you know, and there's not really any spark there. It's kind of like, what are you doing? Are you just doing it to like occupy your time? And there's so many other things that you could possibly be doing. If a relationship is lukewarm, maybe best to step back.
00:33:35
Speaker 3: Best to step back.
00:33:36
Speaker 2: And I also think that this is a good time for us to touch on the idea that if you find yourself with a lot of those lukewarm relationships, which I think can unfortunately happen, especially as we're talking about over the pandemic, a lot of people moving, a lot of things in flux. If you find yourself with a lot of those types of relationships, I would encourage you to focus on the things that bring you joy, maybe more than these lukewarm relationships. So there can be a lot of things that you can do with your time that don't involve just putting yourself in situations that don't make you feel good, that don't fill you up.
00:34:13
Speaker 4: Yeah.
00:34:13
Speaker 1: And I've definitely been in that position before where I didn't say no or I didn't set a boundary, and I felt like, oh, why am I here, you know, sitting through you know, something that I don't want to be at, And you know, I wasn't really honoring myself because I was afraid to be alone.
00:34:30
Speaker 3: Yeah.
00:34:30
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I mean all of these really really really really important topics, especially as we're getting older and kind of redefining what it means to be independent or be a good friend or be a good partner.
00:34:41
Speaker 3: What else do you want to rap about?
00:34:43
Speaker 1: I feel like the last point that I would make is be open to apps, because there are apps that exist that compare you with friends. I know, bumble does. I actually wrote a story a couple of years ago about using one of these apps. I don't think it exists anymore, but I use one of these apps to try and find a friend because I realized that my friend group was only my childhood friends, and because everyone is still in New York City and I grew up here, it's kind of easy to just be in that comfort zone. But I was eager to make other friends as well. And I think when I tried out this app, it was very much like a dating app. You create a profile, you kind of swipe through other people's profiles, and you see they like the same music that you do, or that you both like fitness classes and whatnot. So I remember matching with a girl and we decided to get drinks with each other, and it was as if we had known each other for so long, you know, and the experience completely surprised me. I remember when we had drinks with each other, we actually realized that we both love the same hip hop dance cardio class. And I was because I would go to that class by myself and wish that I would had a friend to go with because it's Vixen. Yeah, so it's like, you know, Beyonce inspired. I came across it like through just work, and then when I decided to take a class, I was like, this is so much fun. I wish that I had friends who were into this, but course none of my friends were into this. So I was like, all right, well, I'm going to go buy myself to these classes. It's great, shake it out like sweat a ton and have so much fun. But I remember when we were when I was having drinks with this girl, she ended up telling me, oh, there's this hip hop dance cardio class that I love, and I was like, no, wait, wait, wait wait, And I remember we connected on this and then after we got drinks, decided to go and go to a class together and that was so much fun and unexpected. And again it was all from meeting somebody on an app.
00:36:32
Speaker 3: I love that. I love that well. I hope that this was very helpful.
00:36:36
Speaker 4: I hope so too.
00:36:37
Speaker 1: There's so much to say on this topic, because as you get older, things change even more, you know, like you said, people keep moving away, people have career changes, people's priorities change as well. And I think the older we get, the more isolated we get in a way with our lives.
00:36:55
Speaker 2: And I would say, if you're listening to this and you came here because you are feeling alone or lonely, or that you're just like in this really stuck place with your friendships, know that you are not alone in that, and that is very real and something that literally everyone struggles with. And remember again that what you see on social media isn't the full picture. So you might think that you know that someone is super filled up in their relationships and you see them out and they're doing all these things, but you don't know how they really feel. So don't judge yourself based on the highlight reel of someone else, and stay true to yourself. Be willing to put yourself out there and good things could come from it.
00:37:36
Speaker 1: Yeah, just be yourself. There are people out there who will appreciate you and meet you where you are. I think that you should never forget just how special you are. And I think it's so easy to because it's easy to compare ourselves and our lives to other people and see, oh, they have such a strong friendship group. I wish I had that friendship group, or like, oh they have you know, such, like you said, such a full life. But don't compare yoursel you are so special. Don't forget it. Someone out there will appreciate you.
00:38:04
Speaker 2: Christina, how do the hurdlers keep up with you? How do they follow along with you? Give us all of the details.
00:38:10
Speaker 1: Yeah, you could find me on at Christina Rodolpho k R I S T I N A R O d U l f O on all social platforms.
00:38:18
Speaker 4: I love to DM people.
00:38:19
Speaker 2: She loves to dm people. Get ready, your new BFA is waiting in the messages. I'm over at Emily Body and at Hurdle Podcast Another Hurdle conquered.
00:38:29
Speaker 3: Catch you guys next time.
