Current Dating Sucks A Traditional Approach Is Better

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You're listening to WGSN-DB, Going Solo Network, Singles Talk Radio Channel,
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where we take a lighthearted and candid approach to discussions
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on the journey of relationship loss, divorce, parenting, being single,
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relationships building, dating, and yes, sex. Join our listeners and
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begin living your best life.
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Well, how many times have we heard dating sucks? Nobody answers.
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Nobody's real. Everybody's a scammer. It's not fun. It's too
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much work. And we're going to talk today about how
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a lot of that is because the current way that
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people are using dating apps, approaching dating, it's not working
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because some of it worked way better before. And we're
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going to talk about some of the ways it worked
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better before and how to bring it even more current now.
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Because what I'm going to say out loud. So welcome
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to the new streamingnetwork.com. I was just going to launch
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into my thing and not do my important announcement. This
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is WGSNDB, Going Solo Network, radio and TV's podcast, number
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one internet singles talk network. And this is Let's Talk
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Dating with Christina Berry. Hi, Barry.
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Hi, Christine. So you're going to say something.
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I was getting ready to get on my soapbox about this.
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People say, why was it? It seemed easier before. Now,
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one of the really logical reasons it was easier before
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is because we were surrounded in our teens and our
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20s by our target market. There were so many people
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around us who were moving forward in college, thinking about
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getting married, buying a house, having children, and moving forward
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in their career. So many people were in the exact
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same place with the exact same goals. Not all of
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them your person, but There was more people that you
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were in the same lane. You were on the same path.
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It was so much easier then because there was a
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big pool of people that were right there doing the
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same thing. Now, not so much that particular thing. The
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other thing is that I'm going to really point out
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is we are chronologically older than we were in our
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20s and 30s. Generally, most of the people that listen
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to this are. I do have clients that listen that
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are younger. And so think of all the chronological things
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that have happened to you just in every decade of
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however many decades you are old. And the people that
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have come and gone in your life and the experiences
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that you've had, raising children, getting married, getting divorced, getting widowed,
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changing jobs, moving. And then especially if you've had a
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really hard divorce, think about what that did to your emotions.
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Or you've lost somebody you love to death. Think about
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what that does to you. You're a really different person.
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You're completely different. How could you not be different? So
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why would you think the same way of dating you
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did before would work now? But I think that's a
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lot of what has happened currently that makes people frustrated
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because they're trying to recreate what was before that it's
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not there anymore. What do you think, Barry, is the reason?
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I think that's the end of the show. Shall we
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just do wrap up and get on? That was like,
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you know, syncing to the point. I would actually... Definitely
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underscore what you said. And one thing is also, I'll
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add to the picture because I agree totally, that we
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have taken on or I should say experienced a lot
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of things in our lives that have maybe changed our
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viewpoint of dating and relationships because it may belong to
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a marriage, could have been abuse, could have been lost
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by widowing or anything like that. So lots of different
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things can happen that change and taint to a word.
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Our particular attraction for a new relationship may be fear
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factors in the way or patterns are in the way
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or fears are in the way. The second part is also,
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and this is the thing that's also we need to
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talk about as well, is because of what's happened in
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the world with the Me Too movement and other things
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that happened with just going around with Cornell that's been
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happening in the news this week, women don't feel as
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safe as they used to. Or I should say, maybe
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it's more obvious that women don't feel safe. I can't
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speak to how women were 20, 30 years ago. But
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also it makes for us men, especially us decent men,
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and I put myself in the group of being decent men,
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have a harder time knowing how to approach a woman
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without risking being put in the bucket of those bad
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men that backed in the past. That's a real challenge too.
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So in the traditional dating approach, being like me, somebody
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in real life versus online, which is really what we're
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talking about here, is harder to do because the safety
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of how do we as decent men present safety to
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a woman that she can trust that? Because women have been, unfortunately,
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so messed with by men who don't have high quality
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views and focuses that, you know, they painted us with
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the same brush, you know?
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It's making it harder for both sides. I have so
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much sympathy for both sides, how it is harder. There's
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more challenges. There's more frustration. There's more hard, uncomfortable feelings
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on both sides. I don't think that either side understands
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completely how hard it is for both sides. I think
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there's less understanding on the women's side of why it's
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so hard for men. I will say that out loud
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until I really learned why it's harder for you. But
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we have different hards. And I saw a thing just
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earlier on Facebook. It was so timely that this said,
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one of the hardest things about getting in a relationship
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is you have to give up being single. And I said,
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There's so many hard things about being single and there's
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so many hard things about being in a relationship. Pick
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your heart and do it the best. Figure out how
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to have it not be quite so hard because it's
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still going to be hard on both things. And it's interesting,
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Alison Armstrong, one of our wonderful mentors that we both
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enjoy a lot, had a man say once in a
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seminar that if women are just looking for teeth, They
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will not understand that every man has teeth and not
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every man is bad, that you need to know wolves
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have teeth and sheepdogs have teeth. So to recognize the
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difference between a wolf and a sheepdog, the best person
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that knows that is a sheepdog. So to learn, how
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do you learn as a woman and how do you
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convey as a man, I'm safe, even if we're not
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going to be a person together, people together, I am
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a safe person to get advice from, to go have
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lunch with, that if we're only just going, well, you're
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still got that Y chromosome, that makes me nervous and scared.
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How do you both come a little bit to the
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middle without anything feeling scary and dangerous? And that is
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a lot of what I think is causing both sides
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to feel the sucky part of dating right now, where
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when you go back to the traditional part, there was
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a lot more assumptions of how to vet people. And
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now there aren't as many, that's what we're gonna teach
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some of them.
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Yeah, because the thing is the dating apps in a
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way have made that even worse because the fact that
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there's no verification or no, it's like Yelp reviews. But basically,
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I was going in that direction. Because traditionally speaking, back
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in the old days, I remember when I was in
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my very young age, young years, it would be referrals
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with friends. And you go to a party where people
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have friends and they say, who's that over there? Oh,
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tell me about that person sort of thing. And you
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get honest feedback. The person would know who they were.
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And yeah, and maybe it's a little bit naive and
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myopic now to see it that way. But modern days
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with dating apps, it's total strangers. You know, it's wild
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west out there. And adding on top of that is
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the scammers and the fake ones and the AI ones now.
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Dating is now a detective role. You know, you've got
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to be an investigator to figure out if the person
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is even real or not, or even safe one. So
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I understand it's challenging. So the current dating, I would say,
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in some ways does suck because there's no guardrails and
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there's no way of being safe in the environment. Yes,
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if you work with a matchmaker, I know, and I
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have a lot of friends who are matchmakers, they're probably
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in the background going, so what about us? What about us?
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There are plenty of matchmakers out there who do really
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good jobs of vetting their clients, particularly the men, to
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make sure that their prospective partners they line them up
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with are at least safe enough and healthy enough to
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be with. Now, beyond this, there's another thing about patterns
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and histories and upbringings as well, because we get into
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that later on the show as well. But at least
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to get past the initial hurdle of, is this person
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going to be a rapist or is this person going
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to be a caring person? That sort of delineation sounds
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so basic, but it's so challenging because it's so well
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hidden nowadays. The whole thing with Cornell again. That was
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the thing that blew up that was not even caught
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in the moment it happened. It was buried by people
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who were scared of facing the facts. Men were very
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scared of facing the facts because it would basically out them.
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Because the thing is, when they do get, it does
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come out, they're now viewed as worse than they would
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if it had gone out front. So, I just want
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to do a sidebar, this is a bit bugging me,
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I think I'm going to talk about it online. What
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happened with the rapists, these students who are now graduated,
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some of them graduated, is they were given a bye
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by people who were scared to out them because they
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were afraid of either losing their tenure, their jobs, something else. Meanwhile,
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this woman suffered the humiliation, the physical pain, the trauma
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of this, because the men who should have been defending
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her and protecting her didn't. And that's where the sheepdog
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and wolf thing comes together. Because the truth is that
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for us men who are basically in that context, the sheepdogs,
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we can't advocate our role. And so one of my
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roles in my work with my clients is that I'm
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very protective of my clients. That's one of the i
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work i and frankly my female friends too i've i
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have to circle this in the past where it just
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came to mind if a story happens about three or
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four years ago no more than that probably before the
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pandemic where i i walked into a group of friends
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of my men who were making very derogatory comments about
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a woman who went by And I called him out
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on it. And it wasn't easy to do. I definitely
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had to suck myself up and grab my balls and go, okay,
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I'm going to say this. Because these friends of mine,
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they were tough guys too. They said, dudes, you know,
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it's like, you realize what you're doing. You're basically putting
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yourself in the same bucket. These are men who demean women.
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It's like, don't do that. So I have this passion
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for being protective of women because it's been the way
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it's been since I was a kid. And so when
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I watch things happen that violate women, It really does
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run me the wrong way. And it makes me very
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upset that men don't honor that, especially men who are
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in a responsibility position to protect them don't do their role.
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So I guess I'm calling it all the sheepdogs to
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step up. As usual, it wasn't your turn, you know.
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I so admire that about you, Barry. I knew that.
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And it's nice to have you say it out loud
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that we can all say you need to have more
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men like you stepping up and teaching other men. I
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really believe there was a period in time that I
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am not letting these young men off at all. I
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am not letting any of them off the hook. It's
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horrible and awful. And I'm also going to talk about
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the parents because my, my brother would never have stood
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aside and let something happen because of how he was raised.
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And my father, because how he was raised wouldn't have.
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And so I, I get all the repercussions. I get
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all the repercussions. But I have known of men and
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read of men that have stepped up when they had
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so much to lose because it was the right thing
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to do. And so I am frustrated that there is
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this pocket of people that we now see the evidence
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that they, none of them, and apparently there were seven
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that were involved, but 50 that knew about it, that
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kept quiet. Fifty. That's a lot. That's a big segment
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of not one said, I don't care if I lose
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my tenure. I don't care if I don't get my
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diploma or I lose my job. It's such an act
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of bravery. And it's so important, men and women both,
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to say, is this the micro problem or is this
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the macro problem? And I need to step aside of
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my personal because this is a big, big world problem.
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And how that happened, I have a couple of philosophies
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about it. That we women, I didn't exactly do this,
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but I certainly was part of the listening and believing.
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We told good men, go sit in the corner and
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stop speaking up. We can take care of ourselves. We
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can bring home the bacon. We can cook it in
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the pan. And There were some positive things that came
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out of it. But the hard thing for human beings
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is we often just have to go from one extreme
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to the other complete extreme before we find out anywhere
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that might be less extreme. So good men said, well, gosh,
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I really want to please you. And so I'm going
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to go do this thing that is so against my normal,
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natural way of being. And then it didn't please us
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at all. We ended up with going with bad guys.
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I mean, there was that whole phase in the 60s
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and the 70s. I was teenagerish. So But very aware
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of it. Read about it now. Have to fight it
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against me. Talk to women about it as well. Because
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the thing that women say now, and you and I
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are going to be talking about it, I think, next
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week about manners. Where are manners? Because we keep saying,
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don't open the door for me. I can do it myself.
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Let me race to the door to open it for you.
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And yes, that's very far from right. But I want
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you to see how it incrementally starts changing the world.
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So this is part of why, not the whole thing,
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but this is such an important timely thing that's happening
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that makes both sides feel unsafe. Women feel unsafe because,
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oh my God, are men going to really act like
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that with me? And I am weaker than they are
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just physically. So why won't I be terrified? And men
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are like, I really want to have a woman in
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my life, but I don't know what to say because
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I've been yelled at for trying to open the door.
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I've been yelled at for trying to pay the dinner bill.
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And So if we all could go back to some
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of the traditional, what is it that would please you?
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What would make you happy? And then you ask a
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whole bunch of people in a row, this is what
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I'd like. Can you do that? And if they say no,
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move on. Don't keep putting up with somebody who doesn't
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treat you the way you want to be treated. But
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that also takes the building up the self-confidence. Even before,
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not as much when women were property. But once the
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50s happened and women did start having to have a
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credit card and having jobs, and they started pushing back
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and saying, I'd like a little more. And I watched
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some very interesting marriages in that time, because I was
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big enough, where they worked it out. They both kept adjusting. Oh, yeah,
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you want me to start doing some housework?
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Okay.
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Oh, but you said thank you for that. And oh, yeah,
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I want to go out and have a job. And
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I might be kind of tired when I get home.
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Could you make dinner?
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Sure. Sure.
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And then could you be more supportive about my job?
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And it was this very staticky start and stop. But
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I watched some people make it through. And part of
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that is the foundation that we've completely lost. It's very sad.
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On that note, something else came to me recently, because
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to my tradition is the whole trad wife meme that
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went out about two or three years ago. How a
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lot of these trad wives who now have millions of
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followers are going, well, you know, that wasn't working for me.
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They basically backed away from it. And it's like, do
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you just get the followers, just get followers? Or are
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you actually only up to, you're going to shed all
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your followers to start again? Because this whole thing was
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an online scam in a way. But this trad wife methodology,
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which these women end up with, like some of these women,
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you know, they got in with five kids and now
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divorced because their trad husband didn't do what they wanted
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to do. It's like, it was what they were getting into.
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So traditional approach, I want to make sure we're clear,
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it's not what we're talking about. It's not trad wife stuff.
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So if you think about that's what we're talking about,
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we're not talking about that either. Traditional approach, means courtship
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to me. Traditional approach means honest communication, open communication. It
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doesn't mean swiping in apps. And yes, if you work
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with a matchmaker or you work with friends who refer you,
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it's meeting somebody in real life. I've said so many
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times about how a first, and you've said this too,
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about a first date should always be like a coffee
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date or a daytime date, somewhere where it's safe, public,
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where you can build trust honorably. Because taking a woman
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to dinner at night in a quiet, secluded restaurant where
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it's dark and you can't see anything, it may seem romantic,
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but there's a lot of hidden agenda stuff in that.
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So I'm passionate about people meeting before they have a
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real date with something where they get to know each
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other first, because that for me is a traditional approach.
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You should meet somebody, you get to know them, you
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like them, make good friends with them, and then you
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go on dates. Great, wonderful. But it's like, you've got
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to build the foundation first. And the current dating approach,
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which is a lot of dating swiping apps, there's no
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foundation built there, which is one of the things that's
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missing as well.
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So I'm a big fan of the apps. There's ways
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to search their pictures. There's ways to search their phone number.
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I tell women, make sure you get as much information
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about him as possible and you don't tell him anything
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about you except your first name because we are the
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smaller person. And if they aren't going to give you
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their information, maybe they've been scammed, then they're not going
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to be your person because you need to feel safe
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and trusted. And I'm a big fan of equally, go
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do things in the world that you already like that
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you think it'd be a fun thing to go do,
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you're already good at it, you want to learn more
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about it, an activity, a volunteering, go take a class,
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because that is how we vetted people before. As you said,
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we would be spending time with people in a classroom
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or at work, and you'd watch how they interacted with
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other people. You could ask other people, what do you
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think of them? So if you go to the same
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meetup three weeks in a row, and there's often a
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core group, and then there's new people coming just like you,
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you'll now see how do they act with other people?
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Are they gregarious? You'd rather somebody quieter? Are they somebody
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that consistently pitches in to help? Are they somebody that
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always shows up in a bad mood? I've had people
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meet at the most interesting places. One of my favorite
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ones is they were at a food pantry where they
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packed the boxes. And They kept watching each other and
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they'd hear, oh, you go camping on the weekend. So
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then they started talking about they did camping on the
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weekend and now they're in a relationship. And that way
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you got to see them interact in this safe place
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where you had other things to talk about. And that
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was a lot of how the traditional was before. And
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so when a man talks to you, ladies, be receptive
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to these least talking because now you're going to practice
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whether he's your person or not. Oh, a nice guy. Oh,
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look at, there's nice guys in the world. Oh, there's
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a man that'll actually come up and talk to me.
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No matter how much overweight I think I am, or
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no matter how much anything I think I'm not enough.
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Here's a nice man that wants to come and talk
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to you. Just absorb. I'm having a conversation with a
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nice man. Now I'm moving on. He's going to have
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a woman come up and talk. Oh, there's some really
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nice women that are really interested in what I'm doing
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in my life. That you just wear down the, there's
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no good people out there. All the good people are taken.
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That's another way. Way that people say it sucks. No,
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there's lots of love. I talk to them all day long,
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every day. Barry meets them all day long, every day.
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We see them in the world. We coach them because
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they're putting themselves out there and they need to have receptivity.
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people that are like, I'm what I want you to
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do is at least stay neutral and let them prove
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that they're good or bad people or good or bad
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for you, but always let them start out as a neutral.
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I think too much of the time we start out
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as a negative.
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Yeah, it's true. I'm going to save my thoughts until
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after the break because we're going to take a break
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right Didn't it get there fast? Boy, that was fast.
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Have you said dating sucks? I don't know too many
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single people that haven't said it a bunch of times.
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So if this is resonating with you, I'd be so
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happy to talk to you. And I'll listen to why
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it sucks, and then I'll help you find ways that
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it isn't going to suck. It could be actually fun.
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So if you go to my website, which is theperfectcatch.com,
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and scroll to the middle of the page, there's a
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form called What's Holding You Back from Love. Fill that out.
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There's eight brief questions about what's sucking now and what
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you would hopefully have not sucked later. And then you
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can schedule a complimentary conversation with me either on Zoom
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or on the phone. You can also send me an
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email at christineattheperfectcatch.com. And how would people reach you, Barry?
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Well, so my way is, Christine, you can go to
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my site, which is barrysilvey.com. And at the top of
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the page on my site, there's a button that says,
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let's have a chat. Click on that button, it takes
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you to my calendar, where you fill out a time
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and date that works for you. There's also a question
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that you fill out, which is about 12, 13 questions.
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It really gives me a picture of where you are
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and what you're looking for. I think we have a
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20-minute Zoom call, and it's really a chance for us
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to get to know each other a bit more. I
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make sure I leave you with something of value you
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can take into your life. And then if you want
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to work together, we can discuss it there. And it's
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no cost, no investment, just time and a chance to
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chat and perhaps a chance to offload some stuff you're
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worrying about. So that's what we can do. If you
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want to send me an email, you can send me
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one at barry at barrysilby.com, and the rest I'll tell
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you about at the end of the show.
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So we're going to take a brief break for our
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wonderful station that distributes this episode, as well as our podcast, thenewstreamingnetwork.com.
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And we'll be back very shortly to talk more about
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the current dating sucks and maybe some traditional approach that
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might be better with Let's Talk Dating with Christine and Barry.
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Back in a moment.
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Welcome to newstreamingnetwork.com. The future of streaming is here. Looking
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Welcome back to Let's Talk Dating with Christine and Barry.
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And today we're talking about, I should count how many
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times a week I read and hear people say, the
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current dating atmosphere sucks a lot. And We're talking about
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different ways of looking at dating and approaching dating and
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approaching the opposite sex in ways that will make it
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fun instead of sucky, right?
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Indeed, yes. Yeah, this is interesting talking about it because
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the thing is we've ended up here because this is
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the choice we've been making is that the smartphones and
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dating apps has become the way we do things now.
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And it is unfortunate that some of this has become
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so prevalent and yet we don't know how to navigate
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separately from it. So the thing is that we're talking
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about traditional approach. It's old school in air quotes, but
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the truth is it's something we can all do in
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present time. Like you were saying before the break about
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people who work in where they do food distribution and
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things like that. I do that on Fridays every Friday.
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And I love doing it. I'm not looking for a date.
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I'm just doing it because I love being of service.
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What I'm enjoying is making some good friends. And the
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thing is, what also is key is that those friends
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find out I'm single and They might know somebody. So
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it becomes a throw of service that way. So being
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of service somewhere, you make a difference. First of all,
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it shows that you care and you have a heart
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that gives. And then the fun thing is that you
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get to make friends with people who are in the
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same boat and they like you because, you know, your
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common ground, your common values. Although to be blunt, there
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are some people wherever I volunteer who are in it
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to be famous or intimate to something else. They're not
476
00:24:08.390 --> 00:24:09.829
in it to be of service. So you've got to
477
00:24:09.869 --> 00:24:11.869
vet people in that environment too, just to be transparent.
478
00:24:12.230 --> 00:24:14.910
But generally speaking, when you're out there volunteering somewhere, Other
479
00:24:14.930 --> 00:24:17.119
people are volunteering with you in the same choice point
480
00:24:17.150 --> 00:24:18.819
you are, which is to make a difference and be
481
00:24:18.859 --> 00:24:21.720
loving and caring to other people, to give from your overflow.
482
00:24:22.480 --> 00:24:25.640
And the thing is, you never know who knows the
483
00:24:25.680 --> 00:24:28.230
person you want to be with. So why not be
484
00:24:28.289 --> 00:24:30.730
friendly with people you don't know, people you're volunteering with,
485
00:24:31.210 --> 00:24:32.690
people you go to the coffee shop with, you don't
486
00:24:32.710 --> 00:24:35.289
know who they know. It's like they may not be
487
00:24:35.329 --> 00:24:37.549
your date, but they probably wouldn't be your date. But
488
00:24:37.569 --> 00:24:39.099
they might be someone who knows somebody who would be
489
00:24:39.119 --> 00:24:40.400
the perfect match for you. So you never know.
490
00:24:41.890 --> 00:24:44.880
You never know. And it's so how we did meet before.
491
00:24:44.990 --> 00:24:48.720
So what I tell people is when you go join something,
492
00:24:48.740 --> 00:24:51.799
I have a client that he's joined a couple of
493
00:24:51.900 --> 00:24:55.740
walking things because he really likes the walking, hiking. And
494
00:24:55.779 --> 00:24:59.450
the last couple of times he's been, there's only been couples.
495
00:25:00.769 --> 00:25:05.369
And so we talked about go talk to them. First,
496
00:25:05.390 --> 00:25:08.789
you're going to get to practice talking to people, both
497
00:25:08.809 --> 00:25:11.420
the male and female and which is super safe because
498
00:25:11.460 --> 00:25:14.160
you're not trying to impress either one of them. Two,
499
00:25:15.740 --> 00:25:18.839
do they go here often? What's really interesting about this trail?
500
00:25:19.079 --> 00:25:21.799
And do they have other places that they hike? You
501
00:25:21.900 --> 00:25:24.319
never know there might be other place or other meetups
502
00:25:24.359 --> 00:25:26.769
that they belong to that's something really interesting for you.
503
00:25:27.400 --> 00:25:30.269
And the thing is, our pool of people is only
504
00:25:30.329 --> 00:25:33.410
this big. So when you meet other people and they
505
00:25:33.450 --> 00:25:35.289
have pools that are this big, but now you get
506
00:25:35.309 --> 00:25:37.450
to be part of their pool. And then you talk
507
00:25:37.470 --> 00:25:38.789
to the other people there and you get to be
508
00:25:38.829 --> 00:25:40.690
part of their pool. And if you talk to at
509
00:25:40.730 --> 00:25:43.490
least three people at each thing you go to, you've
510
00:25:43.539 --> 00:25:47.700
now got access to three other pools. That they're doing something, gosh,
511
00:25:47.839 --> 00:25:49.900
I'd love to join that. Would that be okay? Tell
512
00:25:49.920 --> 00:25:51.940
me the day and time and what could I bring?
513
00:25:52.559 --> 00:25:55.680
That there's so many activities that you might not even
514
00:25:55.740 --> 00:25:58.000
be aware of that would be something you'd be interested
515
00:25:58.059 --> 00:26:00.940
in because you talk to other people about it. So
516
00:26:01.309 --> 00:26:04.849
just because people are with other people doesn't mean not
517
00:26:04.910 --> 00:26:07.569
to talk to them. Because you also, as Barry said,
518
00:26:07.829 --> 00:26:09.250
you never know who they know.
519
00:26:10.119 --> 00:26:10.339
Yeah.
520
00:26:10.519 --> 00:26:14.099
I mean, I spend two or three days a week
521
00:26:14.140 --> 00:26:15.559
at a coffee shop near me that I go to.
522
00:26:15.599 --> 00:26:18.089
It's the bookstore I frequent as well. It's a bookstore
523
00:26:18.109 --> 00:26:22.549
with a coffee shop attached. And to be transparent, most
524
00:26:22.589 --> 00:26:24.349
people in there are, most of the girls in there
525
00:26:24.369 --> 00:26:25.910
are way younger than me. So I'm not even looking
526
00:26:25.930 --> 00:26:28.509
at dating them anyway. But I've also met quite a
527
00:26:28.509 --> 00:26:29.970
few friends in there I've met over the time who
528
00:26:30.150 --> 00:26:33.480
are men, women, both, you know, both. But what's interesting
529
00:26:33.500 --> 00:26:35.519
is I oftentimes, because I have radar for this, I
530
00:26:35.559 --> 00:26:37.240
notice the wedding rings. So of course, when I see
531
00:26:37.259 --> 00:26:40.480
a woman's wedding ring, I have no idea interest in
532
00:26:40.519 --> 00:26:42.259
them as a date, but I have interest in them
533
00:26:42.299 --> 00:26:44.140
as a person because you never, never know. Not only
534
00:26:44.180 --> 00:26:46.359
because they might know somebody, but also, of course, I'm
535
00:26:46.400 --> 00:26:48.630
always looking for maybe connections to new clients, just to
536
00:26:48.640 --> 00:26:51.549
be transparent. But it's like talking to them to get
537
00:26:51.569 --> 00:26:53.390
to know who they are. And I was talking to
538
00:26:54.170 --> 00:26:59.049
a friend of mine Monday, I think it was, who
539
00:26:59.089 --> 00:27:00.299
I know in the coffee shop I've seen a few times.
540
00:27:00.339 --> 00:27:02.940
We've connected and talked a little bit. But I decided
541
00:27:02.980 --> 00:27:04.599
I was going to talk to her about what she's
542
00:27:04.640 --> 00:27:06.160
about and what she's up to. I know she's a
543
00:27:06.200 --> 00:27:08.440
postdoctoral student. She's in the middle of her education. She's
544
00:27:08.460 --> 00:27:11.970
a very smart woman. But also, and she's not in
545
00:27:11.990 --> 00:27:14.380
a relationship, she's single, but I just wanted to get
546
00:27:14.400 --> 00:27:16.400
to know her a bit better. We started talking, and
547
00:27:16.440 --> 00:27:18.579
it turns out we have a very similar upbringing, which
548
00:27:18.599 --> 00:27:21.400
I didn't know about, because we started going into that conversation.
549
00:27:21.440 --> 00:27:23.019
We shared a couple of things, and I'm like, oh,
550
00:27:23.039 --> 00:27:24.839
by the way, that, that, oh, wow, that's interesting. So
551
00:27:25.640 --> 00:27:27.529
you never know what might happen when you talk to somebody.
552
00:27:27.869 --> 00:27:31.890
So I'm going to agree with you absolutely that I
553
00:27:31.890 --> 00:27:33.710
have a mind that when you're in social environments, it's
554
00:27:33.769 --> 00:27:35.549
nice to connect to know people. The challenge is, if
555
00:27:35.910 --> 00:27:38.799
you're an introvert, it may be hard to do. But
556
00:27:38.900 --> 00:27:41.089
at least make some new friends. If you go to
557
00:27:41.119 --> 00:27:42.930
an event and you're not, you're overwhelmed by the number
558
00:27:42.950 --> 00:27:46.250
of people there, make one new friend. Just do that
559
00:27:46.289 --> 00:27:47.849
much at least because you don't know where they would lead.
560
00:27:48.549 --> 00:27:51.710
So the opportunity to meet people is, it's every, you know,
561
00:27:51.730 --> 00:27:55.450
people are everywhere. So meeting somebody new is not hard
562
00:27:55.490 --> 00:27:57.210
to do. Just be willing to get out and do
563
00:27:57.279 --> 00:27:57.869
something about it.
564
00:27:59.259 --> 00:28:01.099
And I have, I have a fairly new client who
565
00:28:01.240 --> 00:28:03.240
we've been working together for a month now and he's
566
00:28:03.460 --> 00:28:07.769
very sharp. And so he's, he now the third time
567
00:28:07.829 --> 00:28:10.630
we talked because I, he would go to something he
568
00:28:10.750 --> 00:28:13.210
knew he would really like. He either already knew one
569
00:28:13.250 --> 00:28:14.970
thing and he did two things a week. And the
570
00:28:15.049 --> 00:28:17.410
other thing he didn't know anything about. And it gave
571
00:28:17.450 --> 00:28:20.079
him this perfect opportunity to say, I don't know anything
572
00:28:20.119 --> 00:28:22.759
about this. Tell me.
573
00:28:22.779 --> 00:28:25.680
So
574
00:28:25.740 --> 00:28:27.799
he didn't have to carry the conversation. He learned a
575
00:28:27.819 --> 00:28:29.740
whole bunch about the game and about, cause it was
576
00:28:29.759 --> 00:28:33.200
a gaming place and this person. And he said, well,
577
00:28:33.220 --> 00:28:35.099
that wasn't too bad because I didn't have to say
578
00:28:35.160 --> 00:28:37.240
very much. So especially if you go to a thing
579
00:28:37.319 --> 00:28:40.140
and you ask about the thing. And so now he's
580
00:28:40.200 --> 00:28:42.380
gone there three times. And this time he went, oh
581
00:28:42.420 --> 00:28:45.059
my God, I had so much fun. People were asking
582
00:28:45.119 --> 00:28:48.200
me how to do stuff. It was really fun. So
583
00:28:48.549 --> 00:28:51.589
I am not, I am an ambivert. I'm equally both
584
00:28:52.009 --> 00:28:55.130
introvert and extrovert, but I have close family that are
585
00:28:55.230 --> 00:28:57.390
all introverts. And so they've taught me how to coach
586
00:28:57.450 --> 00:29:00.109
all of you. And I can help the most introverted
587
00:29:00.170 --> 00:29:04.069
person go to one thing And talk to one person
588
00:29:04.529 --> 00:29:06.509
and decide they aren't going to die. Because I think
589
00:29:06.529 --> 00:29:09.009
that's what we think. And so if you think you're
590
00:29:09.029 --> 00:29:10.730
going to die, I'd be happy to talk to you
591
00:29:10.869 --> 00:29:12.099
and show you how you won't die.
592
00:29:13.099 --> 00:29:14.660
This is a very good school to teach people.
593
00:29:16.019 --> 00:29:17.579
It can be so disabling.
594
00:29:19.039 --> 00:29:19.160
Yeah.
595
00:29:19.259 --> 00:29:22.119
Okay, use online dating. It's important to go meet them.
596
00:29:22.160 --> 00:29:24.099
And wouldn't you like to know what to talk about?
597
00:29:24.619 --> 00:29:26.509
How to get them talking so that you don't have
598
00:29:26.549 --> 00:29:29.670
to carry the conversation as it interfered. And that was
599
00:29:29.710 --> 00:29:33.259
what people were taught. How to have conversations. That's the
600
00:29:33.359 --> 00:29:37.170
other traditional thing that happened. People were taught in school.
601
00:29:37.569 --> 00:29:39.430
They were taught in clubs. You were taught how to
602
00:29:39.509 --> 00:29:42.400
introduce yourself. yourself, how to introduce other people. All of
603
00:29:42.440 --> 00:29:44.859
that has gone by the wayside. I actually am happy
604
00:29:44.900 --> 00:29:48.140
to teach that so that you feel more comfortable being
605
00:29:48.380 --> 00:29:51.680
in a social situation and how to handle yourself in
606
00:29:51.720 --> 00:29:56.369
an appropriate manner. And then people like that. We women, oh,
607
00:29:56.509 --> 00:29:59.349
I tell you, manners make me hot. I haven't said
608
00:29:59.390 --> 00:30:00.970
it in a while, but it is the truth for me.
609
00:30:01.309 --> 00:30:03.849
Somebody who stands up for me, holds my chair, helps
610
00:30:03.869 --> 00:30:06.910
me with my coat, opens my door. I just all
611
00:30:06.930 --> 00:30:10.619
the flutter. So learning that is a really good skill.
612
00:30:10.710 --> 00:30:14.319
And for women to learn to ask questions of men
613
00:30:14.640 --> 00:30:17.240
in a way that you feel you could answer, give
614
00:30:17.279 --> 00:30:20.460
us help. You could give us advice and be receptive
615
00:30:20.500 --> 00:30:23.779
to that. Just do it to practice. Everybody wants to.
616
00:30:23.940 --> 00:30:26.140
This is my favorite thing. Oh, I want to wait
617
00:30:26.160 --> 00:30:27.960
till they're really cute. And I go, then what happens?
618
00:30:28.000 --> 00:30:30.259
You go, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you can't
619
00:30:30.279 --> 00:30:33.119
formulate a thought. So if you practice with everybody that
620
00:30:33.160 --> 00:30:35.740
doesn't matter for a while, then you can talk to
621
00:30:35.799 --> 00:30:37.029
somebody that's really cute.
622
00:30:37.769 --> 00:30:40.730
Absolutely. I concur with that. That's why I do it myself. Absolutely.
623
00:30:41.029 --> 00:30:44.049
I'm proof of the pudding, so to speak. I definitely
624
00:30:44.089 --> 00:30:47.509
have that thing myself. The thing I love working with
625
00:30:47.609 --> 00:30:49.250
my clients, because a lot of my clients I'm working
626
00:30:49.269 --> 00:30:52.549
with have been ones who have basically been self-guided for
627
00:30:52.569 --> 00:30:54.150
a long time. They're on their own. They're doing their thing.
628
00:30:54.789 --> 00:30:56.190
you know, working on business and everything else. And I've
629
00:30:56.210 --> 00:30:58.039
been really sort of shifting my focus the last six
630
00:30:58.079 --> 00:31:03.019
months because these people, mostly women, are so focused on
631
00:31:03.259 --> 00:31:05.819
their own business, their own life, they're not even sure
632
00:31:06.000 --> 00:31:07.700
how to get back into the idea of dating somebody.
633
00:31:07.720 --> 00:31:10.920
So their whole structure is atrophied in a sense. So
634
00:31:10.940 --> 00:31:11.920
a lot of my work with them is to help
635
00:31:11.940 --> 00:31:14.700
them navigate that. And the challenge is because the dating
636
00:31:14.859 --> 00:31:20.240
apps are so flat in what we're putting in. It's like,
637
00:31:20.339 --> 00:31:21.680
I'm very much about helping them. How do they get
638
00:31:21.720 --> 00:31:24.160
out and meet people in a more I wouldn't say traditional,
639
00:31:24.200 --> 00:31:26.859
but more human way, more interactive way, more social way.
640
00:31:27.619 --> 00:31:29.839
And so this conversation is really relevant to them in
641
00:31:29.859 --> 00:31:33.140
a lot of ways because it's given them the confidence
642
00:31:33.160 --> 00:31:35.019
to see that it's okay to move out beyond a
643
00:31:35.039 --> 00:31:37.680
comfort zone. The challenge is that can you trust to
644
00:31:37.700 --> 00:31:39.650
meet somebody that's not going to knock down everything you've
645
00:31:39.670 --> 00:31:41.450
built over these years, over the years that you're really
646
00:31:41.470 --> 00:31:44.750
focusing on, you know, having a solid, happy life. You
647
00:31:44.769 --> 00:31:46.750
don't want somebody coming in like a bull in a
648
00:31:46.769 --> 00:31:48.470
china shop, destroying that. So you've got to be very
649
00:31:48.490 --> 00:31:49.869
selective about who you choose to be with.
650
00:31:51.849 --> 00:31:54.710
Yeah, boy, habits. We really get in habits and we
651
00:31:54.750 --> 00:31:57.329
don't even realize we're getting in the habit of how
652
00:31:57.369 --> 00:31:59.880
we're thinking about the opposite sex or how we're acting
653
00:31:59.890 --> 00:32:02.819
towards the opposite sex or how inward we've got when
654
00:32:02.839 --> 00:32:04.839
we've been doing our internal work. And then how do
655
00:32:04.859 --> 00:32:08.579
we get more outward focused, even just outward focusing about
656
00:32:08.680 --> 00:32:10.700
how we're doing out in the world, not just so
657
00:32:10.740 --> 00:32:12.640
much in our inner world. And then how is somebody
658
00:32:12.720 --> 00:32:16.140
else interacting in your outside world and in their outside world?
659
00:32:16.579 --> 00:32:19.359
It really is a big adjustment, especially for people that
660
00:32:19.400 --> 00:32:22.480
have been single a long time. Or my focus is
661
00:32:22.579 --> 00:32:24.740
often people that were married for a long time and
662
00:32:24.779 --> 00:32:28.259
then now they're widowed because they're very, we're focused on
663
00:32:28.279 --> 00:32:31.400
this other person. And they had, gosh, I love that
664
00:32:31.420 --> 00:32:33.980
we had this second way of, we could just read
665
00:32:34.000 --> 00:32:37.099
each other's mind. We had a code and I want
666
00:32:37.119 --> 00:32:40.500
that again. Okay, just not right now. Because think how
667
00:32:40.539 --> 00:32:42.359
long it took for you to get that. Oh yeah,
668
00:32:42.740 --> 00:32:45.849
we don't think that way. So to go, oh, if
669
00:32:45.950 --> 00:32:47.769
I went back to how was it, how did I
670
00:32:47.829 --> 00:32:50.630
need to learn things before? oh, I need to learn
671
00:32:50.670 --> 00:32:54.109
it now in a different way, we stop being so frustrated.
672
00:32:54.130 --> 00:32:56.829
Because I think, I'm going to say it again, everybody
673
00:32:56.869 --> 00:32:59.819
thinks they should just know how to date and nobody does. Nobody.
674
00:33:00.059 --> 00:33:02.180
Barry and I didn't. We studied for a long time
675
00:33:02.220 --> 00:33:04.240
to get to where we are now. And I keep saying,
676
00:33:04.299 --> 00:33:05.960
oh my gosh, I learned a new thing this week.
677
00:33:06.019 --> 00:33:09.059
It's so fun. After 40 years of studying this, there's
678
00:33:09.099 --> 00:33:11.960
still fun new things to learn. So why wouldn't you say,
679
00:33:12.119 --> 00:33:14.319
oh gosh, I want to learn how to do this better.
680
00:33:14.339 --> 00:33:17.349
I'm stumbling around in the dark. It's not working. I'm
681
00:33:17.420 --> 00:33:20.700
so frustrated. How can I do this differently? And part
682
00:33:20.720 --> 00:33:25.299
of the switch is to think about not everybody sucks.
683
00:33:25.920 --> 00:33:29.630
Dating doesn't suck. Every person out there doesn't suck. How
684
00:33:29.650 --> 00:33:32.299
many times you say that your mind starts believing it.
685
00:33:32.430 --> 00:33:34.490
And Barry and I are here to say, it's not
686
00:33:34.529 --> 00:33:37.289
the truth. It might be the truth you're feeling, but
687
00:33:37.329 --> 00:33:39.990
it's not the truth. If Walter Cronkite was reporting the news,
688
00:33:40.309 --> 00:33:42.470
he wouldn't say that all dating and people suck.
689
00:33:43.309 --> 00:33:44.279
Yeah, it is.
690
00:33:45.170 --> 00:33:46.289
The challenge in a lot of times is to talk
691
00:33:46.309 --> 00:33:48.549
to internal friends of mine, not just clients, but having
692
00:33:48.569 --> 00:33:50.450
the conversation where they basically, they say that all men
693
00:33:50.490 --> 00:33:51.950
are like this or women are like this. It's like,
694
00:33:52.660 --> 00:33:56.259
we really do have a bad habit of generalizing when
695
00:33:56.380 --> 00:33:58.000
one of these things happens a bad way. We think
696
00:33:58.059 --> 00:33:59.160
everybody's going to do the same thing to us the
697
00:33:59.200 --> 00:34:02.059
same way. It's like, no. Although if you do keep
698
00:34:02.079 --> 00:34:03.799
talking on about how it's going to happen a certain way,
699
00:34:03.839 --> 00:34:05.009
you tend to attract people who are going to give
700
00:34:05.029 --> 00:34:07.829
it to you the same certain way. So change what's
701
00:34:07.869 --> 00:34:09.269
in this idea. That's one of my favorite things with
702
00:34:09.289 --> 00:34:10.949
my clients is really change the mindset so they can
703
00:34:10.969 --> 00:34:14.920
actually choose differently going forward. Because yes, we have, messed
704
00:34:14.940 --> 00:34:18.610
up experiences, we make mistakes, we choose bad people, bad
705
00:34:18.619 --> 00:34:20.730
things happen to us. But it doesn't have to be
706
00:34:20.750 --> 00:34:23.349
the way life is. A large part of the work,
707
00:34:23.590 --> 00:34:27.110
I think, and certainly my work, is the emotional healing
708
00:34:27.170 --> 00:34:30.269
so that those patterns, those past histories don't get repeated
709
00:34:30.309 --> 00:34:33.360
anymore because it is tempting after you have a bad
710
00:34:33.380 --> 00:34:35.159
experience to shut down and hide away and become a
711
00:34:35.179 --> 00:34:37.380
hermit and not date anymore, which I said was one
712
00:34:37.400 --> 00:34:40.360
of your clients. It's really important that you recognize that
713
00:34:40.480 --> 00:34:44.289
it's a choice process You're not committed to that path forever.
714
00:34:44.329 --> 00:34:46.369
You can step out of it and try a different
715
00:34:46.389 --> 00:34:49.429
path when you start recognizing that your experience is not
716
00:34:49.469 --> 00:34:49.869
your life.
717
00:34:51.550 --> 00:34:53.550
And what I've found, which is such a good point
718
00:34:53.570 --> 00:34:56.559
that you've made, that when something bad happens, I seem
719
00:34:56.599 --> 00:34:58.639
to end up with lots of people who they're paying
720
00:34:58.679 --> 00:35:00.780
attention to. I don't want that again. So I'm going
721
00:35:00.800 --> 00:35:02.400
to keep checking out. Do you have that? Do you
722
00:35:02.420 --> 00:35:04.500
have that? Do you have that? So then your brain's
723
00:35:04.579 --> 00:35:06.800
looking for that. And somebody else who doesn't have that's
724
00:35:06.840 --> 00:35:10.139
going to walk by because you can't bet that they
725
00:35:10.179 --> 00:35:12.519
don't have it. because you keep looking to see, do
726
00:35:12.539 --> 00:35:17.719
they have it? It's very frustrating and counterproductive, very counterproductive.
727
00:35:17.800 --> 00:35:19.909
And then dating just feels more like it sucks.
728
00:35:21.550 --> 00:35:25.510
It is, yeah. It really is amazing how many people
729
00:35:25.550 --> 00:35:31.510
don't see beyond their own face, their own nose. That's
730
00:35:31.550 --> 00:35:33.989
the worst thing. The challenge is that most people have
731
00:35:34.010 --> 00:35:37.050
been trained by society, not learning there's a different choice.
732
00:35:37.070 --> 00:35:38.800
One of the reasons that we do these podcasts for
733
00:35:38.820 --> 00:35:41.500
the last bunch of years is It's because we've learned
734
00:35:41.699 --> 00:35:44.099
lessons beyond what we had in our own experience. Yes,
735
00:35:44.119 --> 00:35:46.099
we have had experiences, but we've learned what to do
736
00:35:46.119 --> 00:35:47.739
about those and what to handle it and move beyond it.
737
00:35:47.820 --> 00:35:52.130
So watching people, as you said, stumble along from a
738
00:35:52.170 --> 00:35:55.449
place of being myopic in their views and not knowing
739
00:35:55.489 --> 00:35:57.309
how to choose better than they've done in the past,
740
00:35:58.030 --> 00:36:01.530
it is, I won't say it's sad, but it's disconcerting
741
00:36:01.550 --> 00:36:03.710
to watch them not choose a better choice because they
742
00:36:03.730 --> 00:36:05.210
don't know better. It's like, you know, if we know better,
743
00:36:05.230 --> 00:36:07.269
we do better. Generally speaking, we have learned how to
744
00:36:07.309 --> 00:36:08.650
do better, so we know how to teach other people
745
00:36:08.670 --> 00:36:11.179
to do better. but it is a choice point every
746
00:36:11.219 --> 00:36:13.429
single time somebody, are they going to choose differently than
747
00:36:13.449 --> 00:36:15.969
what they've done before or do the same old thing
748
00:36:15.989 --> 00:36:20.110
again hoping for a different result, definition of insanity. So choices.
749
00:36:21.690 --> 00:36:27.090
Boy, and I will say amen, period, underline, exclamation point,
750
00:36:27.550 --> 00:36:32.340
that when we don't realize this is what we're choosing,
751
00:36:32.360 --> 00:36:35.360
because we would never believe that we would choose this,
752
00:36:36.019 --> 00:36:39.659
but when I finally said, oh, oh, this is what
753
00:36:39.699 --> 00:36:42.429
I'm choosing. And I really know I don't want it.
754
00:36:42.980 --> 00:36:46.599
How do I choose differently? That was when the switch
755
00:36:46.639 --> 00:36:50.360
happened for me. And it was amazing. And that's the
756
00:36:50.400 --> 00:36:53.030
gift that Barry and I are always happy to give people.
757
00:36:53.090 --> 00:36:55.829
If you just say, I don't know what's going wrong.
758
00:36:55.869 --> 00:36:58.429
I don't like what's going on. I really want something different.
759
00:36:58.449 --> 00:37:00.489
Could you help me have something different? We're like, yep,
760
00:37:01.070 --> 00:37:05.869
we can help you have something different. Absolutely. So do
761
00:37:05.889 --> 00:37:10.039
you want something different than suck? Would you like to suck?
762
00:37:11.019 --> 00:37:15.820
I promise you, it can not suck. We keep having
763
00:37:15.860 --> 00:37:17.719
people turn around and go, oh my gosh, it doesn't
764
00:37:17.760 --> 00:37:22.489
suck anymore. Now it's fun. And eventually find somebody. So
765
00:37:22.969 --> 00:37:25.429
the way to reach me is through my website, which
766
00:37:25.510 --> 00:37:29.150
is theperfectcatch.com. And if you scroll to the middle of
767
00:37:29.190 --> 00:37:32.050
the page, there's a questionnaire, what's holding you back from love.
768
00:37:32.849 --> 00:37:34.869
And we will get to the bottom of that. I
769
00:37:34.909 --> 00:37:38.650
promise you can schedule online. Fill out a little questionnaire,
770
00:37:38.889 --> 00:37:41.650
schedule a time with me, complimentary. We can talk on
771
00:37:41.670 --> 00:37:44.510
the phone or on Zoom. And I promise by the
772
00:37:44.550 --> 00:37:47.739
time we're done talking, you will have some information that
773
00:37:47.760 --> 00:37:50.099
will help you turn your dating life around. And then
774
00:37:50.159 --> 00:37:51.880
if we both decide that we'd like to have a
775
00:37:51.900 --> 00:37:54.820
further conversation, because often that's just the tip of the iceberg,
776
00:37:55.179 --> 00:37:57.900
we can talk about that too. The other part of
777
00:37:57.940 --> 00:37:59.449
my website I like to send you to, because I
778
00:37:59.489 --> 00:38:01.230
have all this free stuff, is you can go to
779
00:38:01.269 --> 00:38:04.170
the top and there's a free book. It's a compilation
780
00:38:04.230 --> 00:38:07.000
of my 10 years of a dating advice column. That
781
00:38:07.039 --> 00:38:09.860
my wonderful sister-in-law put together and people are having fun
782
00:38:10.019 --> 00:38:14.059
hopping around between the chapters. And it really is fun
783
00:38:14.139 --> 00:38:16.519
to hear their comments about what was helpful and what
784
00:38:16.679 --> 00:38:20.179
things they're using currently now. Thank you. And you could
785
00:38:20.199 --> 00:38:22.619
also join my mailing list. And every week you will
786
00:38:22.659 --> 00:38:26.500
get this wonderful podcast, this wonderful episode in your mailbox
787
00:38:26.739 --> 00:38:30.179
effortlessly to watch over again or for the first time.
788
00:38:30.750 --> 00:38:32.690
And then you also will find out about the classes
789
00:38:32.750 --> 00:38:35.630
I'm teaching. I'm also working on a workshop for November.
790
00:38:35.670 --> 00:38:38.010
I'm really excited about that. I know, just brand new.
791
00:38:38.750 --> 00:38:40.849
And also you can go to the bottom, which is
792
00:38:40.889 --> 00:38:43.820
where all my social media is, Facebook and LinkedIn and
793
00:38:43.909 --> 00:38:47.860
Instagram and Pinterest and Twitter and YouTube. And on YouTube,
794
00:38:47.880 --> 00:38:50.500
you can see all the many six years of videos
795
00:38:50.539 --> 00:38:52.940
that Barry and I have done and some that I
796
00:38:52.980 --> 00:38:55.619
did with another coach. And then some I've done on
797
00:38:55.659 --> 00:38:58.949
my own. Plethora of free things to binge on. And
798
00:38:58.989 --> 00:39:02.030
you can send me an email at christine at theperfectcatch.com
799
00:39:02.570 --> 00:39:04.380
and tell people all about you, Barry.
800
00:39:05.360 --> 00:39:07.760
Well, Christina, I've got some free stuff as well. You
801
00:39:08.500 --> 00:39:10.940
can go to my website, which is barryserby.com, as I mentioned.
802
00:39:11.639 --> 00:39:13.239
At the top of the page, as mentioned, there's a
803
00:39:13.280 --> 00:39:14.460
button you can click on to let us have a chat.
804
00:39:14.639 --> 00:39:16.699
That takes you to my calendar. You fill out the form.
805
00:39:17.239 --> 00:39:19.280
We talk, navigate to where you're going. And if you
806
00:39:19.300 --> 00:39:21.920
want to work together, we can talk about that as well. Additionally,
807
00:39:21.960 --> 00:39:24.469
on my homepage and my website, at the bottom of
808
00:39:24.489 --> 00:39:26.710
the homepage is an opt-in. You put your name and
809
00:39:26.730 --> 00:39:28.230
email in there right away if you want to join
810
00:39:28.250 --> 00:39:30.489
my email list because, like Christina said, out a replay
811
00:39:30.510 --> 00:39:32.510
of the show every week. Also, things I'm working on,
812
00:39:32.630 --> 00:39:35.730
other realizations and education I put out as well. So
813
00:39:35.769 --> 00:39:37.320
I put your information there. It gets you on my
814
00:39:37.360 --> 00:39:39.739
email list. At the middle of my homepage on my
815
00:39:39.780 --> 00:39:41.659
screen is the first of my two assessments I created.
816
00:39:41.719 --> 00:39:44.360
I call them quizzes, but they're assessments. So you click
817
00:39:44.380 --> 00:39:46.639
on that button where you go to barryselby.com slash quiz,
818
00:39:46.659 --> 00:39:50.460
and that's your That's what I call your relationship readiness assessment.
819
00:39:50.559 --> 00:39:53.219
How ready are you for your relationship? It's a fairly
820
00:39:53.260 --> 00:39:55.019
brief questionnaire. You go through the questions and I send
821
00:39:55.039 --> 00:39:56.980
you an email with basically where you are on the
822
00:39:58.019 --> 00:40:01.340
zero to 100% preparedness for a relationship type thing. But
823
00:40:01.360 --> 00:40:03.440
if you want to go deeper, the second quiz which
824
00:40:03.480 --> 00:40:05.280
I created, which is actually not on the homepage, I
825
00:40:05.300 --> 00:40:07.980
have to actually type in the link directly, which is barrystelby.com
826
00:40:08.000 --> 00:40:12.800
slash self quiz, is my self-trust assessment. That's a much
827
00:40:12.880 --> 00:40:17.610
more self-reflective and, frankly, the more important self-relationship assessment. So
828
00:40:17.650 --> 00:40:19.550
that quiz will take you much deeper. It's seven different
829
00:40:19.650 --> 00:40:21.130
areas with a bunch of questions in each one of
830
00:40:21.170 --> 00:40:23.829
them on what's your relationship with yourself like. Because frankly,
831
00:40:23.849 --> 00:40:25.730
before you have a relationship with somebody else, you want
832
00:40:25.769 --> 00:40:28.449
to have a healthy relationship with yourself. And when you
833
00:40:28.469 --> 00:40:29.769
do that one, not only do you get an email
834
00:40:29.789 --> 00:40:31.309
from me, but you also get a big PDF with
835
00:40:31.329 --> 00:40:34.170
a bunch of great tips, guidance, suggestions, and some homework
836
00:40:34.510 --> 00:40:35.809
that you can take into your life and use as
837
00:40:35.849 --> 00:40:38.489
well as do that too. So do the self-quiz as well.
838
00:40:39.409 --> 00:40:41.880
Also on my website is my book, which has been
839
00:40:41.889 --> 00:40:43.219
out for 13 years. That's the thing that's over my
840
00:40:43.239 --> 00:40:46.739
shoulder over there, 50 Ways to Love Your Lover. I've
841
00:40:47.260 --> 00:40:49.179
done like eight or nine videos now online just doing
842
00:40:49.199 --> 00:40:50.760
little talks about my book, which is fun to do.
843
00:40:51.039 --> 00:40:52.360
But if you want to find out more about my book,
844
00:40:52.389 --> 00:40:54.030
go to the book page on my site or click
845
00:40:54.070 --> 00:40:56.690
on barryselby.com slash book. And if you want to find
846
00:40:56.710 --> 00:40:58.389
out more about the book before you buy it, there's
847
00:40:58.409 --> 00:41:00.250
an audio track at the top of the page, which
848
00:41:00.309 --> 00:41:03.389
is AI generated, but it's very entertaining. With two AI
849
00:41:03.429 --> 00:41:05.170
voices that have really done a deep dive into my
850
00:41:05.210 --> 00:41:08.360
book to give you a good synopsis and description of
851
00:41:08.380 --> 00:41:10.199
my book in about 12, 13 minutes. So listen to
852
00:41:10.239 --> 00:41:11.980
that first when you like that. At the bottom of
853
00:41:12.000 --> 00:41:13.260
the page, a button you can click on to actually
854
00:41:13.280 --> 00:41:16.500
go buy my book on Amazon or other places too. Um,
855
00:41:17.420 --> 00:41:21.159
if let's say no one's about that, that's the truth entirely. Uh,
856
00:41:21.179 --> 00:41:22.780
if you wanna find me on social media, you find
857
00:41:22.800 --> 00:41:25.039
me under my name, Barry Selby on all the major platforms.
858
00:41:25.119 --> 00:41:29.199
So you find me on, on Facebook, on LinkedIn, on Pinterest, um,
859
00:41:29.239 --> 00:41:32.119
on blue sky and on, um, TikTok as well as on,
860
00:41:32.380 --> 00:41:34.619
on YouTube. So if you've got a Barry Selby on YouTube,
861
00:41:34.659 --> 00:41:37.639
find out all these videos I've done with Christine, including
862
00:41:38.349 --> 00:41:40.110
about a thousand other videos I've done. I've done a
863
00:41:40.110 --> 00:41:43.750
lot of talks over the years and interviews conversations, um,
864
00:41:45.639 --> 00:41:47.139
I did Facebook lives for quite a long time. So
865
00:41:47.159 --> 00:41:49.260
it's about my own journey, my experience. So definitely go
866
00:41:49.280 --> 00:41:50.960
check out my YouTube channel. There's tons of content that
867
00:41:51.000 --> 00:41:53.840
you can listen to and watch. And if you want
868
00:41:53.860 --> 00:41:56.760
to find me on Instagram or threads, it's the real
869
00:41:56.800 --> 00:41:58.599
Barry Selby. And you can also send me an email
870
00:41:58.639 --> 00:42:00.519
directly at Barry at Barry Selby.com.
871
00:42:02.280 --> 00:42:05.380
We're here live every Thursday at one o'clock Pacific and
872
00:42:05.420 --> 00:42:09.239
four o'clock Eastern talking about interesting subjects of our dating relationship.
873
00:42:09.300 --> 00:42:11.199
We'd love for you to watch us live and submit
874
00:42:11.239 --> 00:42:13.639
a question. And then if you'd watch, want to watch
875
00:42:13.699 --> 00:42:16.860
the repeat, You can see it on Roku or YouTube.
876
00:42:17.360 --> 00:42:19.119
But people could take us with them, right, Barry?
877
00:42:19.940 --> 00:42:21.659
Absolutely, because the show not only is a video, it's
878
00:42:21.699 --> 00:42:23.900
also an audio. So if you listen to your podcast
879
00:42:23.940 --> 00:42:26.559
on a platform where it's Apple, Spotify, Amazon, wherever you
880
00:42:26.579 --> 00:42:29.179
listen to podcasts, you look for Let's Talk Dating Show
881
00:42:29.199 --> 00:42:31.139
with Christine and Barry, you'll find our podcast out there.
882
00:42:31.159 --> 00:42:33.739
So you can listen to all 290, whatever, 290 shows.
883
00:42:34.369 --> 00:42:36.590
So you can binge listen wherever you are because, frankly,
884
00:42:37.070 --> 00:42:38.750
not everybody's sitting at a screen all day looking. But
885
00:42:38.769 --> 00:42:40.670
if you're out in the world driving or shopping or
886
00:42:40.690 --> 00:42:42.849
something else, you can listen to us plug into your ear.
887
00:42:42.869 --> 00:42:44.030
So you can listen to all our shows.
888
00:42:45.570 --> 00:42:47.130
And if you're in the middle of listening to something
889
00:42:47.150 --> 00:42:48.630
and you go, oh, my gosh, I have a friend.
890
00:42:48.650 --> 00:42:50.590
We were just talking about that. Stop and share it
891
00:42:50.639 --> 00:42:52.440
with them and then go back to listening. And we'd
892
00:42:52.480 --> 00:42:55.860
love a like and a review and a subscribe. And
893
00:42:55.900 --> 00:42:58.670
next week, we'll be back with another interesting subject about
894
00:42:58.710 --> 00:43:01.989
dating and relationships on Let's Talk Dating with Christine and Barry.
895
00:43:02.849 --> 00:43:04.280
See you then. Bye for now.