WEBVTT
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So I want to kind of talk about this real quick.
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So when you talk about being in a relationship, right?
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And you have these moments where your partner asks you to do just random stuff, right?
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Like go to the store or you know, go for a walk or go to the gym with them or something like that.
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Something that you have to realize is what these are called bids for attention.
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And the reason why these things are called bids for attention is that they're making small requests to, you know, connect with you, you know, to actually spend some time with you, like to do familiar things with you in order to kind of build that bond that you guys have, right?
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And that research is based on Dr.
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John and Julie Gottman's, you know, research that they do as far as for couples and actually building better connections with couples, right?
00:02:29.469 --> 00:02:55.709
And basically the way that it works, right, is that whenever you have these moments with your partner, you could either turn towards that bid, which is to go with them, you can turn away, which is to ignore that, ignore that request, or you can turn against, which is you know that the fact that they're this is what they're doing, but you're choosing, right?
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You're choosing to just just disregard their feelings because you may be mad at them, you may, you may be upset by something.
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So you're just choosing to just just not do it, right?
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And the majority of the time in any given relationship, you want to try your best to turn towards their requests, right?
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Because over time, what's gonna happen is they're gonna stop asking.
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That's the obvious thing, right?
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So if you notice that your partner is not asking you to do many things with them anymore, it's because that they in the probably previously in the past they've asked you to do a number of things with them, right?
00:03:39.310 --> 00:03:45.629
Some big, some small, some medium type things, you know, whether it's as simple as just going to the store with them.
00:03:45.790 --> 00:03:50.910
They probably asked you to do these things and you turned away from them, right?
00:03:51.230 --> 00:04:01.550
Or you turned against them for whatever your reasons are, and now they just don't ask anymore because they assume that you just don't want to do it, right?
00:04:01.949 --> 00:04:13.550
And in that same instance, though, what that does to your relationship is that now instead of them asking you about your opinion about stuff, they're assuming that they know the answer, right?
00:04:13.949 --> 00:04:27.550
So that means that your communication and your connection in your relationship is fractured, like there's a fracture in it, and there's a lot of assumptions being had about what's going on in a particular relationship, right?
00:04:27.870 --> 00:04:33.149
And that's something that you definitely gotta be considerate of is these bids, right?
00:04:33.230 --> 00:04:54.589
These these moments where your partner are asking you to do something with them because they're they may seem insignificant to you at the time, but they're so influenc, they're so influential to how your relationship can grow if you turn towards those bids more than you turn against or you turn away, right?
00:04:54.990 --> 00:05:04.189
So just kind of remember that whenever your partner asks you to like go to the store or go for a walk with them or even date nights, right?
00:05:04.269 --> 00:05:07.949
Like just remember why these things are important, right?
00:05:08.110 --> 00:05:15.949
Because they're important for your relationship growth, they're important for your relationship longevity, and they're definitely important for your relationship connection, right?
00:05:16.189 --> 00:05:29.949
So remember that again, whenever they they're asking you to do these things, because the the reward for actually doing these things is far greater than ignoring these bids.
00:01:30.429 --> 00:01:32.750
So I want to kind of talk about this real quick.
00:01:33.069 --> 00:01:37.230
So when you talk about being in a relationship, right?
00:01:37.789 --> 00:01:42.829
And you have these moments where your partner asks you to do just random stuff, right?
00:01:42.989 --> 00:01:51.310
Like go to the store or you know, go for a walk or go to the gym with them or something like that.
00:01:52.109 --> 00:01:57.710
Something that you have to realize is what these are called bids for attention.
00:01:58.430 --> 00:02:17.150
And the reason why these things are called bids for attention is that they're making small requests to, you know, connect with you, you know, to actually spend some time with you, like to do familiar things with you in order to kind of build that bond that you guys have, right?
00:02:17.629 --> 00:02:19.629
And that research is based on Dr.
00:02:19.710 --> 00:02:28.990
John and Julie Gottman's, you know, research that they do as far as for couples and actually building better connections with couples, right?
00:02:29.469 --> 00:02:55.709
And basically the way that it works, right, is that whenever you have these moments with your partner, you could either turn towards that bid, which is to go with them, you can turn away, which is to ignore that, ignore that request, or you can turn against, which is you know that the fact that they're this is what they're doing, but you're choosing, right?
00:02:55.870 --> 00:03:04.110
You're choosing to just just disregard their feelings because you may be mad at them, you may, you may be upset by something.
00:03:04.269 --> 00:03:08.509
So you're just choosing to just just not do it, right?
00:03:09.310 --> 00:03:18.189
And the majority of the time in any given relationship, you want to try your best to turn towards their requests, right?
00:03:18.349 --> 00:03:21.870
Because over time, what's gonna happen is they're gonna stop asking.
00:03:21.949 --> 00:03:23.550
That's the obvious thing, right?
00:03:24.269 --> 00:03:39.149
So if you notice that your partner is not asking you to do many things with them anymore, it's because that they in the probably previously in the past they've asked you to do a number of things with them, right?
00:03:39.310 --> 00:03:45.629
Some big, some small, some medium type things, you know, whether it's as simple as just going to the store with them.
00:03:45.790 --> 00:03:50.910
They probably asked you to do these things and you turned away from them, right?
00:03:51.230 --> 00:04:01.550
Or you turned against them for whatever your reasons are, and now they just don't ask anymore because they assume that you just don't want to do it, right?
00:04:01.949 --> 00:04:13.550
And in that same instance, though, what that does to your relationship is that now instead of them asking you about your opinion about stuff, they're assuming that they know the answer, right?
00:04:13.949 --> 00:04:27.550
So that means that your communication and your connection in your relationship is fractured, like there's a fracture in it, and there's a lot of assumptions being had about what's going on in a particular relationship, right?
00:04:27.870 --> 00:04:33.149
And that's something that you definitely gotta be considerate of is these bids, right?
00:04:33.230 --> 00:04:54.589
These these moments where your partner are asking you to do something with them because they're they may seem insignificant to you at the time, but they're so influenc, they're so influential to how your relationship can grow if you turn towards those bids more than you turn against or you turn away, right?
00:04:54.990 --> 00:05:04.189
So just kind of remember that whenever your partner asks you to like go to the store or go for a walk with them or even date nights, right?
00:05:04.269 --> 00:05:07.949
Like just remember why these things are important, right?
00:05:08.110 --> 00:05:15.949
Because they're important for your relationship growth, they're important for your relationship longevity, and they're definitely important for your relationship connection, right?
00:05:16.189 --> 00:05:29.949
So remember that again, whenever they they're asking you to do these things, because the the reward for actually doing these things is far greater than ignoring these bids.
