How to Start the Conversation with Your Spouse or Partner About Becoming a Surrogate

1
00:00:03,460 --> 00:00:08,240
All Things Conceivable, a surrogacy
podcast with Nazca Fontes.
2
00:00:08,840 --> 00:00:10,900
Hello and welcome listeners.
3
00:00:11,780 --> 00:00:16,520
Thank you for joining me today on All
Things Conceivable, a surrogacy podcast.
4
00:00:16,660 --> 00:00:21,420
And today we are talking about a really
important subject that virtually all
5
00:00:21,540 --> 00:00:25,920
surrogates who are in a committed
relationship have to think about.
6
00:00:26,520 --> 00:00:31,480
And that issue is taking the
step to explore not only becoming
7
00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:34,020
a surrogate, but how to
talk to your partner.
8
00:00:34,980 --> 00:00:38,720
How to talk to your partner is really
a big decision in the whole surrogacy
9
00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:42,300
journey and many prospective surrogates
have already mentioned it to their
10
00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:47,220
partner while others are still
looking for ways to broach the subject
11
00:00:47,380 --> 00:00:49,200
and start that important conversation.
12
00:00:50,260 --> 00:00:53,840
Partners often have a lot of different
reactions and they have a lot of concerns
13
00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:57,960
and not every partner is quote
all in, and that's totally normal.
14
00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:02,360
It's a big step and a unique experience
that requires understanding, patience,
15
00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:07,040
and open conversation. Joining us
today are two incredible guests,
16
00:01:07,540 --> 00:01:08,373
Lori Jurecko,
17
00:01:08,940 --> 00:01:12,880
one of ConceiveAbilities very own mental
health support professionals who began
18
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:17,080
working with ConceiveAbilities first
as a surrogate before joining our team.
19
00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:21,660
Lori is celebrating over 10 years
of building families here at
20
00:01:21,700 --> 00:01:25,200
ConceiveAbilities, and she's currently
on the Match Experience Team.
21
00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:28,720
On that Match Experience team, she
helps build relationationships,
22
00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:33,860
provide support, and delivers client
care with compassion and expertise.
23
00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:35,393
Welcome, Lori.
24
00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:38,160
Thanks, Nazca. Nice to be here.
25
00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:42,460
And joining you today in answering a lot
of these important questions is Allyson
26
00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:43,313
Meadows.
27
00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:47,060
Allyson is a legal assistant
at ConceiveAbilities who
supports families and
28
00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:50,540
legal experts through the surrogacy
process with care and precision.
29
00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:55,060
She's also just beginning
her own surrogacy journey
and will share how she first
30
00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:56,600
brought up the idea with her husband,
31
00:01:57,200 --> 00:02:02,060
who not surprisingly was initially
skeptical and how they both
32
00:02:02,140 --> 00:02:05,580
navigated that conversation
together. Welcome, Allyson.
33
00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:07,140
Thank you for having me.
34
00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:12,460
Yes, indeed. Today is going to be a really
important podcast for our listeners.
35
00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:16,580
So let's just dive right into it. Let's
start with you, Lori. Tell us about you,
36
00:02:16,820 --> 00:02:20,860
your surrogacy journey, and how your role
in helping others builds their family.
37
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:24,660
Sure. So I am based in Denver, Colorado.
38
00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:30,380
I first came to ConceiveAbilities
as a surrogate around 16 years
39
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:31,000
ago.
40
00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:35,840
So I was matched with a lovely
couple who live about an hour
41
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:40,660
north of me. Our surrogacy
journey went very smoothly.
42
00:02:41,100 --> 00:02:45,240
I delivered a baby girl
for them in May of 2011.
43
00:02:46,420 --> 00:02:49,020
It was a great experience
overall for all of us.
44
00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:53,120
So when I had the opportunity to come
back to ConceiveAbilities as an employee,
45
00:02:53,420 --> 00:02:56,980
I pretty much jumped at the
chance. So now here I am.
46
00:02:57,140 --> 00:02:59,220
I've been here for about
10 and a half years.
47
00:02:59,660 --> 00:03:01,560
I'm the team lead for
the mental health team.
48
00:03:02,420 --> 00:03:04,840
I facilitate support
groups for surrogates.
49
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:09,400
I provide as needed mental health support
for parents and surrogates throughout
50
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:10,320
their journeys here.
51
00:03:11,020 --> 00:03:13,980
And then I also meet with surrogates
and partners for their mental health
52
00:03:14,060 --> 00:03:17,820
screening and assessment meetings
during their screening process,
53
00:03:17,900 --> 00:03:22,220
helping them prepare for their journey
as well. So I'm sort of involved with the
54
00:03:22,460 --> 00:03:27,380
whole process start to finish
as surrogates and their
partners are helping our
55
00:03:27,420 --> 00:03:28,600
clients build their families.
56
00:03:30,180 --> 00:03:34,040
So no doubt over the course of your
10 years with the organization,
57
00:03:34,140 --> 00:03:36,900
you've had a lot of conversations
surrounding this topic.
58
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:39,020
I'm sure you've heard it
from a lot of surrogates,
59
00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:43,960
not only who are beginning the process
of entertaining the idea of surrogacy and
60
00:03:43,980 --> 00:03:44,600
their journey,
61
00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:49,480
but also in support group and along the
way when they've had maybe challenging
62
00:03:49,540 --> 00:03:52,200
or more exploratory
conversations with their partner.
63
00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:57,660
So no doubt you've heard
it from all aspects over
64
00:03:57,760 --> 00:03:58,540
many years,
65
00:03:58,540 --> 00:04:02,020
but why don't you tell us and share
with us your own conversation with your
66
00:04:02,060 --> 00:04:02,960
partner at the time?
67
00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:07,120
Sure. So that was a lot
of years ago, for sure.
68
00:04:08,380 --> 00:04:13,180
But I remember that I initially
sort of floated the idea to
69
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:17,820
him years before I was ready
to actually move forward.
70
00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:20,980
So I remember having
a conversation saying,
71
00:04:21,900 --> 00:04:26,520
he knew already obviously that I
loved being a mom. I loved pregnancy.
72
00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:28,300
I loved delivering babies.
73
00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:33,600
And so I kind of casually mentioned
that if I ever knew anyone like a sister
74
00:04:33,820 --> 00:04:36,380
or a friend who might need a surrogate,
75
00:04:36,540 --> 00:04:38,620
I would be happy to help
them out in that way.
76
00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:40,800
I would be happy to carry
their baby for them.
77
00:04:41,500 --> 00:04:44,460
So he didn't seem resistant
at all to that idea,
78
00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:48,360
but we also weren't sort of seriously
contemplating it at that point.
79
00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:53,860
So fast forward a bunch of years
and I saw an ad about surrogacy from
80
00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:57,060
ConceiveAbilities and
I thought, oh my gosh,
81
00:04:57,340 --> 00:05:01,820
I meet the requirements.
I'm ready to do this. I want to do this.
82
00:05:02,660 --> 00:05:06,020
I knew I needed to talk to
him, so I did. And I mean,
83
00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:10,980
I basically approached it from the
standpoint of the fact that I couldn't
84
00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:13,520
imagine not being able to be a mom.
85
00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:18,660
I couldn't imagine our three
girls not being in our lives,
86
00:05:19,340 --> 00:05:22,740
right? And I couldn't imagine not being
able to be pregnant and give birth to my
87
00:05:22,780 --> 00:05:23,613
babies.
88
00:05:23,780 --> 00:05:28,720
So I really had a lot of empathy for
the women who struggle to have those
89
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:33,360
experiences and I really wanted to be
able to give someone else those gifts.
90
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:38,560
So we had that conversation. He
understood, again, my motivation.
91
00:05:39,260 --> 00:05:40,440
He wasn't resistant.
92
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:45,400
I wouldn't say he was particularly excited
by the idea. I think he thought of it
93
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:48,360
as more of a me thing,
94
00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:52,920
but he also wasn't shocked because I
had floated the idea previously years
95
00:05:52,980 --> 00:05:55,960
earlier. So he agreed.
96
00:05:56,060 --> 00:06:00,820
He did have one primary concern that
lingered on for him for quite some time.
97
00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:05,460
And that was that he was fairly convinced
that I was going to become attached to
98
00:06:05,500 --> 00:06:09,480
the baby and that I have a hard
time dealing with that emotionally.
99
00:06:09,860 --> 00:06:13,060
And I think he also worried
about the impact on him.
100
00:06:13,700 --> 00:06:17,460
How would he be able to deal with that
if that was my experience and how would
101
00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:20,840
that impact our family
too? Despite that though,
102
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:23,380
he was comfortable moving
forward at that time.
103
00:06:24,820 --> 00:06:28,760
So you guys had to cover a lot of
ground with the topic of surrogacy.
104
00:06:28,980 --> 00:06:33,080
And you brought up some really important
points that no doubt other partners
105
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,660
bring up about their concerns
with the surrogacy journey.
106
00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:38,260
There can be all kinds of concerns, right?
107
00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:42,720
From health to emotional to time to the
108
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:44,860
impact on other members of the family.
109
00:06:45,140 --> 00:06:47,900
So there's a lot for partners to digest.
110
00:06:48,020 --> 00:06:52,320
You'd been thinking about this for a while
probably before you ever broached the
111
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:54,100
subject with your husband at the time.
112
00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:58,700
You've had a lot of time to
process all of those topics
113
00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:02,780
internally before you ever had
that first conversation with him.
114
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:05,580
So no doubt it came maybe as a surprise.
115
00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:10,460
And he had to perhaps take the same
amount of time to move forward while you
116
00:07:10,500 --> 00:07:13,640
were patiently waiting for him
to come to terms with the idea.
117
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:18,960
Yeah, absolutely. It's a big
step. It's a major decision.
118
00:07:19,380 --> 00:07:23,640
It is a decision that ultimately
needs to be shared with a partner.
119
00:07:24,260 --> 00:07:29,210
It is something that needs to be well
thought out and you do need to have these
120
00:07:29,230 --> 00:07:34,190
conversations, continuing conversations
often about what that might look like.
121
00:07:34,830 --> 00:07:35,430
So Allyson,
122
00:07:35,430 --> 00:07:40,050
let's turn that topic over to you now
123
00:07:40,330 --> 00:07:41,490
and share with us,
124
00:07:41,550 --> 00:07:46,330
because you're just beginning this
process of a surrogacy journey.
125
00:07:46,450 --> 00:07:48,750
So you've had the hard conversations,
126
00:07:48,930 --> 00:07:53,210
you've really explored what this is
going to mean for you and your family.
127
00:07:53,710 --> 00:07:58,510
Take us through what those conversations
look like with your husband and how you
128
00:07:58,610 --> 00:08:01,190
brought him along in the
decision making process.
129
00:08:01,750 --> 00:08:06,030
Sure. I had brought up surrogacy
to my husband years ago.
130
00:08:06,430 --> 00:08:10,410
So before we even
started this process now,
131
00:08:11,510 --> 00:08:16,090
previously I was a teacher and one
of my good teacher friends was a
132
00:08:16,250 --> 00:08:17,083
surrogate.
133
00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:21,450
And I loved being pregnant and I was an
134
00:08:21,530 --> 00:08:24,530
education pregnancy and
child development teacher.
135
00:08:24,630 --> 00:08:26,530
So that is kind of what I focused on.
136
00:08:27,210 --> 00:08:29,990
And so that brought me
around to surrogacy.
137
00:08:31,390 --> 00:08:35,570
And so at the very beginning stages,
I was learning a lot about it.
138
00:08:36,630 --> 00:08:40,670
And so I brought it up to my
husband. I was like, " Hey,
139
00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:43,040
this is something I am
really interested in.
140
00:08:44,230 --> 00:08:46,150
I would love to get your input.
141
00:08:46,210 --> 00:08:50,790
"I just kind of wanted to see where
he stood with surrogacy and upfront.
142
00:08:50,990 --> 00:08:55,830
It was very much no. It was
kind of a hard no at that time,
143
00:08:56,930 --> 00:08:57,850
which looking back,
144
00:08:57,950 --> 00:09:02,830
I understand now because I was
still in the learning process and
145
00:09:03,770 --> 00:09:08,610
he didn't know much about it.
And he was just very much,"
146
00:09:08,750 --> 00:09:10,690
Why would you even think
about that right now?
147
00:09:10,750 --> 00:09:15,730
"Because we were at a point in our
marriage that we didn't know if
148
00:09:15,810 --> 00:09:20,730
we were done having children
and he didn't think he
149
00:09:20,830 --> 00:09:22,450
could see me,
150
00:09:22,650 --> 00:09:27,290
his wife pregnant with a baby that we
would not be bringing home and that would
151
00:09:27,350 --> 00:09:28,290
not be ours.
152
00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:32,930
He also looked at it from
our kids standpoint because
they were very little at
153
00:09:32,970 --> 00:09:33,803
the time.
154
00:09:34,270 --> 00:09:38,330
How would they look at a surrogacy journey
knowing that we wouldn't be able to
155
00:09:38,410 --> 00:09:42,210
bring a baby home? And so at that point,
156
00:09:42,710 --> 00:09:43,870
he was very much a no.
157
00:09:44,030 --> 00:09:48,510
He really didn't want to
explore it anymore at that time.
158
00:09:49,570 --> 00:09:54,510
He really wanted to focus on our family
and making sure that we were done
159
00:09:54,630 --> 00:09:55,990
having our own children.
160
00:09:56,130 --> 00:10:00,050
He also was concerned that
if something were to happen
161
00:10:01,070 --> 00:10:05,010
during a surrogacy journey to where
I wouldn't be able to have any more
162
00:10:05,050 --> 00:10:05,590
children,
163
00:10:05,590 --> 00:10:10,210
he didn't want to take that
risk as well in case something
164
00:10:10,270 --> 00:10:14,690
unthinkable happened and then we
wouldn't be able to complete our family.
165
00:10:15,210 --> 00:10:19,290
So it was very much a hard
no at the very beginning.
166
00:10:21,430 --> 00:10:26,330
And give us a sense of
timeframe From the time
167
00:10:26,350 --> 00:10:31,010
that you first brought the topic
up with your husband to the time
168
00:10:32,750 --> 00:10:36,910
you both agreed together that it was the
right choice and the right plan for you
169
00:10:37,030 --> 00:10:39,730
and your family going forward.
What did that timeframe look like?
170
00:10:40,130 --> 00:10:43,530
It was years, about six
years. So in that time,
171
00:10:43,650 --> 00:10:47,250
we had had three more children.
It was not a quick decision.
172
00:10:48,050 --> 00:10:52,450
It was not something that he thought
about for a couple months. It literally,
173
00:10:52,570 --> 00:10:57,310
it took years for him to
even consider or be open to
174
00:10:57,410 --> 00:10:59,070
having the conversation about it.
175
00:10:59,770 --> 00:11:03,050
We were knee deep in babies and toddlers.
176
00:11:03,210 --> 00:11:07,930
And I think for him adding
that emotional aspect of
177
00:11:08,070 --> 00:11:12,870
being pregnant again, it was just
very physically demanding at the time.
178
00:11:12,970 --> 00:11:17,850
And so I had to take a step back
and look at it from what we were
179
00:11:17,870 --> 00:11:22,050
going on inside of our home
and when would be a good time.
180
00:11:22,410 --> 00:11:27,320
And from the time that I brought
it up to him until we were 100%
181
00:11:27,850 --> 00:11:30,750
done, having our own
children was about six years.
182
00:11:32,630 --> 00:11:35,430
Wow. That's quite a while, right? Yeah.
183
00:11:35,490 --> 00:11:40,370
But I think it just demonstrates it really
often does take partners a little bit
184
00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:44,510
of time and patience to come around,
but many of them eventually do.
185
00:11:45,450 --> 00:11:46,283
Looking back,
186
00:11:46,570 --> 00:11:50,230
what do you wish maybe you had done
or said differently in that first
187
00:11:50,270 --> 00:11:52,750
conversation if it
would've made a difference?
188
00:11:53,570 --> 00:11:57,510
I wish I would have come to him with more
189
00:11:57,970 --> 00:11:58,650
information.
190
00:11:58,650 --> 00:12:02,870
I was still in the learning process
when I mentioned it to him initially.
191
00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:08,320
I think being able to come to
him with information of how this
192
00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:10,480
process works, what it entails,
193
00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:15,490
how he would be involved and
how it would affect our family.
194
00:12:15,630 --> 00:12:20,570
I think I wish I would have been
able to come at it from that
195
00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:23,920
aspect rather than just saying,"
This is something I'm interested in,
196
00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:26,760
"and maybe he just wasn't
emotionally ready at that time.
197
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:32,120
So I wish I would have had the
information and probably more confidence
198
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:36,120
in my decision when I
initially brought it up to him.
199
00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:41,600
I love that confidence
piece, right? There's always,
200
00:12:43,350 --> 00:12:46,210
all kinds of ways to broach the
subject. There's no one right way,
201
00:12:46,790 --> 00:12:50,190
but to your point about having
information at the ready and being really
202
00:12:50,610 --> 00:12:54,610
informed about the process, maybe
Lori, this is a good question for you.
203
00:12:54,770 --> 00:12:58,830
What steps do partners need to be involved
in at a bare minimum so that when a
204
00:12:59,050 --> 00:13:02,070
potential surrogate comes to
her partner and says," Hey,
205
00:13:02,470 --> 00:13:06,270
this is something I've really been
thinking about that's meaningful to me and
206
00:13:06,430 --> 00:13:09,670
this is what it's going to look
like in terms of your involvement.
207
00:13:10,250 --> 00:13:12,750
"Sure. So at a bare minimum,
208
00:13:12,830 --> 00:13:17,650
there will be a screening
requirement for the partner as well.
209
00:13:17,870 --> 00:13:21,730
So there will be a background
check run on the partner.
210
00:13:22,350 --> 00:13:27,290
The partner will participate in the mental
health screening and assessment with
211
00:13:27,330 --> 00:13:30,930
the agency. Then the partner
is part of the match meeting.
212
00:13:31,270 --> 00:13:32,650
Moving forward in the process,
213
00:13:32,830 --> 00:13:36,450
as the surrogate's going through medical
clearance with the fertility clinic,
214
00:13:36,890 --> 00:13:38,730
the partner is a part of that as well.
215
00:13:39,550 --> 00:13:44,090
Then the legal process is another
stage where the partner's involved,
216
00:13:44,290 --> 00:13:46,250
reviewing and completing paperwork.
217
00:13:46,710 --> 00:13:51,150
That's the initial contract that's drawn
up between the parties for the journey
218
00:13:51,710 --> 00:13:56,350
and then in the parentage process
later on. And then of course,
219
00:13:56,790 --> 00:14:01,230
providing that additional support
throughout the process during a pregnancy,
220
00:14:01,930 --> 00:14:02,730
at delivery,
221
00:14:02,730 --> 00:14:05,990
during that postpartum period when the
surrogate is recovering and healing.
222
00:14:06,870 --> 00:14:08,250
Very helpful information.
223
00:14:08,450 --> 00:14:11,910
And aside from the bare minimum steps
that are required of the partner,
224
00:14:12,230 --> 00:14:17,210
do you have other tips that you
could share with our listeners
225
00:14:17,270 --> 00:14:19,290
in terms of bringing up that conversation?
226
00:14:20,570 --> 00:14:22,210
There's a lot of things to consider.
227
00:14:22,410 --> 00:14:27,290
There are a number of ways that
you can go about this, right?
228
00:14:27,810 --> 00:14:32,810
So you can consider sort of
how conversations typically
go with your partner and
229
00:14:32,850 --> 00:14:35,470
what you might expect in this situation.
230
00:14:35,630 --> 00:14:40,170
And maybe this is something that
you want to bring up a little more
231
00:14:40,230 --> 00:14:45,110
casually, a little more organically
with your partner, or maybe not.
232
00:14:45,270 --> 00:14:50,050
Maybe you are feeling quite
ready to move forward and you
233
00:14:50,190 --> 00:14:53,770
want this first conversation
to be more in depth.
234
00:14:54,170 --> 00:14:59,030
You want to have that time and opportunity
to really be able to listen to and
235
00:14:59,070 --> 00:15:04,010
hear each other. You want to be able
to address any questions or concerns.
236
00:15:04,670 --> 00:15:05,370
In that case,
237
00:15:05,370 --> 00:15:09,590
I would definitely recommend carving
out a time with your partner to
238
00:15:10,230 --> 00:15:11,270
have this conversation,
239
00:15:11,470 --> 00:15:16,170
make sure the kids are in bed or otherwise
occupied so that you can really focus
240
00:15:16,270 --> 00:15:21,050
on each other and talk this out
together for whatever length of time you
241
00:15:21,110 --> 00:15:25,070
need for that first conversation.
So that's one thing to consider.
242
00:15:25,790 --> 00:15:30,130
Another thing to consider is what
are you going to do in advance?
243
00:15:30,290 --> 00:15:31,530
Like Allyson mentioned,
244
00:15:31,630 --> 00:15:36,410
she wishes that she had more
kind of information upfront to be
245
00:15:36,470 --> 00:15:40,110
able to address her partner's
concerns and questions.
246
00:15:40,910 --> 00:15:45,630
So the great thing about right now is
that there is so much out there for
247
00:15:45,750 --> 00:15:50,590
prospective surrogates online
to research and learn. So
248
00:15:53,050 --> 00:15:56,910
it's quite easy to get yourself
pretty educated on the process.
249
00:15:57,070 --> 00:16:00,590
Even starting with the ConceiveAbilities
website is a great first step.
250
00:16:01,170 --> 00:16:05,600
Definitely have the opportunity to
learn about the basic steps that you go
251
00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:09,520
through as a surrogate, what
journeys tend to look like,
252
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:11,840
what you might expect as you move forward.
253
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:15,160
Beyond the ConceiveAbilities
website though,
254
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:18,640
there are lots of other websites out
there that provide a lot of helpful
255
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:23,280
information. There are Instagram
accounts and TikTok accounts,
256
00:16:23,740 --> 00:16:25,200
videos, podcasts.
257
00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:30,080
There's so much information out there
that you can consume to feel really
258
00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:33,200
prepared, to feel like you really
know what you're talking about,
259
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:38,320
to really feel like you
know what surrogacy actually
entails. And that's going
260
00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:42,400
to help you feel more prepared and
confident for that conversation with your
261
00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:43,393
partner.
262
00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:47,920
It's also going to put you in a
place where you're much more ready to
263
00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:53,120
address any of those questions or concerns
that might come up around things like
264
00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:58,160
medical risks or the emotional
toll that surrogacy can
265
00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:02,200
take on someone, the impacts
on family and relationships,
266
00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:05,680
what kind of a burden does it
put on the partner potentially,
267
00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:07,640
all those kinds of things.
268
00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:13,280
And then I think the final thing that's
really important as well is to make
269
00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:16,720
sure that you have really
thought about your why.
270
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:19,840
What is your reason
for wanting to do this?
271
00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:23,440
And are you able to
articulate that really well?
272
00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:29,040
Because that is the piece that
often is going to resonate so
273
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:30,440
strongly with your partner.
274
00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:34,840
Hearing what it is that is motivating you,
275
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:39,190
how passionate you feel about wanting
to help someone else build a family.
276
00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:43,720
I think that is such an important point.
277
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:48,760
Sometimes I think that's lost in
communication, right? The why.
278
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:53,280
I think a partner might just hear,"
I'm just interested in doing this.
279
00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:58,160
It's a feel good moment. I can't
imagine not having our own family.
280
00:17:58,280 --> 00:17:59,870
I want to do it for someone else,
281
00:17:59,950 --> 00:18:04,930
but often the why is so much more
visceral and perhaps that does get
282
00:18:04,970 --> 00:18:06,070
lost in translation.
283
00:18:06,630 --> 00:18:10,670
So maybe I want to underscore that here
for the listeners who are thinking about
284
00:18:10,770 --> 00:18:13,630
how they're going to bring this
topic up with their partners.
285
00:18:13,930 --> 00:18:17,430
Really writing it down
maybe, taking some notes,
286
00:18:18,910 --> 00:18:21,570
thinking it through, refining it,
287
00:18:21,910 --> 00:18:25,150
and understanding really at
the heart of the motivation,
288
00:18:25,250 --> 00:18:29,790
what is the why and being able to clearly
articulate that is going to, I think,
289
00:18:29,850 --> 00:18:30,990
make a lot of difference.
290
00:18:31,950 --> 00:18:36,810
Allyson was so helpful in
describing her own personal journey
291
00:18:37,190 --> 00:18:42,010
with this topic and her husband
and how long it took and what his
292
00:18:42,090 --> 00:18:46,390
particular concerns were
that centered around
293
00:18:47,310 --> 00:18:51,830
perhaps her emotional attachment
to a childborn via her surrogacy
294
00:18:52,570 --> 00:18:57,070
to perhaps the unthinkable happening
and what the impact of that might be on
295
00:18:57,090 --> 00:18:59,970
their young family.
In your practice, Lori,
296
00:19:00,030 --> 00:19:03,630
in your experience with hundreds
and hundreds of surrogates,
297
00:19:03,710 --> 00:19:07,290
can you point to any other sort of large,
298
00:19:07,750 --> 00:19:12,730
big topic reasons that partners
might have to say kind of
299
00:19:12,810 --> 00:19:15,650
the hard no to the idea of surrogacy?
300
00:19:15,730 --> 00:19:18,830
What other issues do you see
come up fairly regularly?
301
00:19:20,830 --> 00:19:23,760
Gosh, Allyson did hit on
302
00:19:26,630 --> 00:19:28,890
a really big one and I did as well.
303
00:19:29,090 --> 00:19:33,890
I think those are probably the
two most common ones that come
304
00:19:33,930 --> 00:19:38,490
up are that issue around
potential medical risk
305
00:19:38,950 --> 00:19:41,490
and that possibility of not being able to
306
00:19:43,090 --> 00:19:48,050
carry or can see the child
of your own in the future if
307
00:19:48,130 --> 00:19:50,550
a medical complication were to
come up during a surrorogacy.
308
00:19:51,210 --> 00:19:55,330
So that is definitely a major
one that I've seen a lot
309
00:19:56,750 --> 00:20:00,490
and I would always want couples to
have that conversation actually.
310
00:20:00,710 --> 00:20:04,990
And so when I hear that they've already
talked through that issue and considered
311
00:20:05,050 --> 00:20:09,070
it and have still come to this
point of acceptance and support,
312
00:20:09,510 --> 00:20:13,450
then that's a really good sign that
that surrogacy is a good path for them.
313
00:20:14,430 --> 00:20:19,090
And then the other major issue that
does come up is that concern about
314
00:20:19,350 --> 00:20:21,310
the emotional attachment to the baby.
315
00:20:22,110 --> 00:20:26,070
And that is like the most common question
that a surrogate will hear, period,
316
00:20:26,210 --> 00:20:30,070
even from people outside of her partner,
right? Family members, coworkers,
317
00:20:30,130 --> 00:20:33,730
friends, et cetera. Outside
of that, I would say
318
00:20:35,470 --> 00:20:39,950
the maybe perceived burden of
surrogacy on the partner and the
319
00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:44,350
family is the other issue that's
often sort of a central concern.
320
00:20:44,850 --> 00:20:49,630
How much is this going
to impact us and limit us
321
00:20:50,090 --> 00:20:55,030
during the process and are we in a
good place to pursue this process
322
00:20:55,090 --> 00:20:55,923
right now?
323
00:20:57,710 --> 00:21:02,430
And Allyson, gosh, six
years is a long time.
324
00:21:03,170 --> 00:21:05,610
It is. I'm sure maybe in retrospect,
325
00:21:05,690 --> 00:21:08,850
it didn't seem that long because you
were busy continuing to build your family
326
00:21:08,970 --> 00:21:09,870
and living your life.
327
00:21:09,970 --> 00:21:14,670
But I can imagine that our
listeners are really curious how
328
00:21:15,470 --> 00:21:18,690
your husband kind of came along, right?
329
00:21:18,750 --> 00:21:22,690
At what point did he
finally say, "Hey, yeah,
330
00:21:22,750 --> 00:21:27,070
this is a good idea." And what were the
steps that you took along the way to
331
00:21:27,130 --> 00:21:30,590
kind of help him get to
that point where he said,
332
00:21:31,070 --> 00:21:33,350
"This is the right choice
for our family and for you,
333
00:21:33,470 --> 00:21:37,630
Allyson." We're very curious to
know how that evolution took place.
334
00:21:38,790 --> 00:21:43,570
So first off is I never
stopped talking about it.
335
00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:48,470
It was never a huge conversation of,
336
00:21:50,670 --> 00:21:52,450
"This is something that
I still want to do.
337
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:57,770
" It was just always just maybe
mentioned here in passing,
338
00:21:58,410 --> 00:21:59,310
me and my husband,
339
00:21:59,370 --> 00:22:03,430
we send videos and TikToks to
each other throughout the day.
340
00:22:03,490 --> 00:22:08,110
And I know social media plays
a big part in today's age.
341
00:22:08,170 --> 00:22:13,130
And so I follow some surrogacy journeys
and I would maybe send him a TikTok here
342
00:22:13,170 --> 00:22:17,070
or there. And it was always
in the back of our heads,
343
00:22:17,170 --> 00:22:21,450
even though it wasn't initially always,
it wasn't like a sit down conversation.
344
00:22:21,550 --> 00:22:26,280
So I just continued to talk about it over
the years as we continued to grow our
345
00:22:26,340 --> 00:22:27,173
family.
346
00:22:27,780 --> 00:22:31,420
But when we were 100%
done with our last one,
347
00:22:32,860 --> 00:22:36,880
we kind of had just an emotional
ease. We knew we were done.
348
00:22:36,990 --> 00:22:41,990
We were out of our newborn era.
We were coming in and finishing
349
00:22:42,140 --> 00:22:45,200
up what our parenting
350
00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:49,340
newborn and pregnancy for our family was.
351
00:22:49,990 --> 00:22:54,230
And that's when I kind of set him down,
352
00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:58,940
which I'm kind of in a unique position
where I do get to work in surrogacy.
353
00:22:59,460 --> 00:23:04,380
And so he does get to hear the
stories and the day-to-day and kind of
354
00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:06,490
what I do for my job. So it was,
355
00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:11,620
I know at the end of the weeks I would
just sit down and, "How was your day?
356
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:15,400
Guess how many babies were born this
week or how many families I got to help?"
357
00:23:15,490 --> 00:23:20,200
Or, "I got to talk to these
amazing surrogates." And so he
358
00:23:20,730 --> 00:23:25,340
had direct insight of
to what surrogacy was
359
00:23:25,420 --> 00:23:28,580
compared to when I brought
it up to him initially.
360
00:23:29,180 --> 00:23:32,460
So whenever we were
officially done, I was like,
361
00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:37,280
"This is still weighing very heavy on
my heart and I want to know if you are
362
00:23:37,580 --> 00:23:42,320
open to having a conversation now
about actually pursuing a journey."
363
00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:43,730
He was still hesitant,
364
00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:48,480
but he was open because he knew
we were complete. It wasn't
365
00:23:48,580 --> 00:23:50,980
just asking about having another baby.
366
00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:53,920
It was wanting to help somebody else.
367
00:23:53,980 --> 00:23:58,620
And he knew how much that it would
mean to me to be able to do that for
368
00:23:58,700 --> 00:24:02,960
someone. So at that point, he
was open to the conversation.
369
00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:05,040
And from there,
370
00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:10,740
I had the knowledge and I had the
industry and I was able to bring that to
371
00:24:10,980 --> 00:24:14,620
him to explain more about
how the process works,
372
00:24:15,140 --> 00:24:16,080
what our needs are,
373
00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:20,640
because I think it's really important
to make sure that you are finding the
374
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:25,340
right agency and the intended parents
for what your needs and wants are through
375
00:24:25,360 --> 00:24:26,193
a journey.
376
00:24:26,300 --> 00:24:30,800
And so I was able to bring
that to him and that's how the
377
00:24:30,820 --> 00:24:32,080
conversation began.
378
00:24:32,420 --> 00:24:35,660
And I was able to answer those
questions that he had initially,
379
00:24:36,460 --> 00:24:39,500
but I would say just
continue talking about it.
380
00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:42,800
Don't always find new information.
381
00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:47,440
You could always send those TikToks
or the stories and the articles,
382
00:24:47,540 --> 00:24:52,460
just continue to bring it
up until they're open to it.
383
00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:57,840
Allyson, I'd love that. Just the
idea of never giving up, right?
384
00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:02,840
The grit and the determination to
keep that topic and conversation alive
385
00:25:02,900 --> 00:25:06,040
because the more you explore
through bringing it up,
386
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:09,200
the more perhaps you move
that boundary together.
387
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:14,700
I think that's another bit of secret
sauce to the decision making process on
388
00:25:14,740 --> 00:25:19,480
behalf of the partner, just always
bringing the topic up for conversation.
389
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:24,700
And how about Lori's comment
about understanding your
390
00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:25,673
why?
391
00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:30,520
Did you really identify and
vigorously adhere to your own why
392
00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:32,780
during the conversations
with your husband?
393
00:25:33,520 --> 00:25:38,200
Very much. I think at the beginning, my
husband, he didn't understand my why.
394
00:25:38,940 --> 00:25:43,740
He saw it as something that I heard
about and maybe was interested
395
00:25:43,820 --> 00:25:48,080
in, but didn't necessarily
have backing behind it.
396
00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:52,820
And I think that also played a huge role
in his initial reaction because it was
397
00:25:52,900 --> 00:25:57,600
not ... I don't think I
perceived my why to him properly
398
00:25:58,740 --> 00:26:01,300
and why I was interested
in something like this.
399
00:26:01,380 --> 00:26:06,060
So I think number one is go in
it with your heart and your why,
400
00:26:06,120 --> 00:26:09,040
because initially you can
present all the facts.
401
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:11,920
You can tell them about the
process and how it works,
402
00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:17,060
but I don't think it will be as well
perceived as if you don't have the
403
00:26:17,140 --> 00:26:21,000
backing of actually why
you are wanting to do this.
404
00:26:21,060 --> 00:26:25,820
And I think they need to hear your
emotional reasoning behind your why.
405
00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:27,760
Speaking from experience,
406
00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:32,000
how can other women prepare for their
partner's first reaction if it's
407
00:26:32,060 --> 00:26:34,680
hesitation or in your case, the hard no.
408
00:26:35,820 --> 00:26:38,380
What would you say to her and
what advice would you give?
409
00:26:39,620 --> 00:26:44,560
Hesitation and questions or not really on
410
00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:48,180
board is not a hard no.
411
00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:52,180
And it's okay to be disappointed
in their initial reaction.
412
00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:57,580
I think women go into this with
such joy and passion and want
413
00:26:57,780 --> 00:27:02,720
and their why, and then this is
something that they're wanting to pursue.
414
00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:06,680
And then when they bring it up to their
husband and they don't have that same
415
00:27:06,740 --> 00:27:11,440
initial reaction, it's
really disappointing and
kind of discouraging like,
416
00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:16,080
"Oh, if they're not excited like I
am, why do I want to continue this?
417
00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:21,220
" So I think I would want them to know
that it's okay to be disappointed.
418
00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:25,700
And it's okay that your husband
isn't on board initially
419
00:27:26,220 --> 00:27:30,660
because they have to build that why
themselves and giving them that space and
420
00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:35,620
that time to grow emotionally
so they can prepare
421
00:27:35,980 --> 00:27:36,840
to support you.
422
00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:42,440
So I think that they need to know
that it may take them some time.
423
00:27:42,740 --> 00:27:44,180
It's okay to be disappointed.
424
00:27:44,300 --> 00:27:49,200
It's okay for the initial reaction
to not be, "Hey, let's go.
425
00:27:49,420 --> 00:27:53,660
This is amazing." It might be
hesitation. It might be a hard no,
426
00:27:53,900 --> 00:27:56,700
but always keep having
those conversations.
427
00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:00,960
And Lori, in your professional opinion,
428
00:28:01,140 --> 00:28:04,040
what would you say to a group
of women who say, "Gosh,
429
00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:07,260
I just can't get my husband
or partner on board.".
430
00:28:08,120 --> 00:28:12,760
A good way to prepare for
that hesitation is to go in
431
00:28:13,460 --> 00:28:15,380
expecting it because honestly,
432
00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:20,080
it is probably the most common
reaction amongst partners
433
00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:23,740
initially, right? So it's 100% normal.
434
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:28,500
So go into that conversation knowing
that there's probably going to be at
435
00:28:28,660 --> 00:28:30,540
least some level of that,
436
00:28:31,280 --> 00:28:34,680
expect it and really be
ready to listen, right?
437
00:28:34,740 --> 00:28:38,340
Be ready to empathize with your partner,
438
00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:43,320
to really hear and validate any concerns
that he or she might be bringing up
439
00:28:43,920 --> 00:28:46,140
because they're normal and to be expected.
440
00:28:46,560 --> 00:28:51,500
I listened to Allyson and
it seems to me that that's
441
00:28:51,560 --> 00:28:53,700
something that she did
a really great job of,
442
00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:56,740
of really listening to what
her husband had to share,
443
00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:01,900
really inviting his input and
really taking it into consideration.
444
00:29:02,060 --> 00:29:06,580
And I think that is what allowed
those conversations to continue over
445
00:29:06,660 --> 00:29:07,493
time.
446
00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:12,440
It's what allowed him to continue
to be receptive even years later,
447
00:29:12,740 --> 00:29:17,680
right? She kept that door open
and she kept making it clear
448
00:29:17,840 --> 00:29:22,680
that his opinions and his
thoughts and his needs were
449
00:29:23,220 --> 00:29:27,100
just as valued. And this may
need to be a longer conversation.
450
00:29:27,260 --> 00:29:32,140
It may need to be multiple
conversations spread out over a long
451
00:29:32,180 --> 00:29:36,960
period of time, and that's okay. Maybe
you need to do more research together.
452
00:29:37,340 --> 00:29:39,780
Maybe you need to gather more
resources for your partner.
453
00:29:40,540 --> 00:29:45,100
Maybe you just need to give this
time. If there's initial hesitation,
454
00:29:45,300 --> 00:29:49,220
that's okay and hesitation
is not equal to a no.
455
00:29:49,840 --> 00:29:51,060
It's just hesitation.
456
00:29:52,480 --> 00:29:56,080
Can you identify any good open-ended
questions that a surrogate can ask her
457
00:29:56,160 --> 00:30:00,620
partner so that she can really
hear his or her can Concerns
458
00:30:00,900 --> 00:30:03,380
beyond just a yes or no
or just a hesitation,
459
00:30:04,040 --> 00:30:07,000
really getting at the
meat of their hesitation.
460
00:30:08,740 --> 00:30:09,960
Questions like maybe
461
00:30:11,680 --> 00:30:16,560
what aspects of surrogacy seem
most appealing to you or make sense
462
00:30:16,620 --> 00:30:17,453
to you?
463
00:30:17,940 --> 00:30:21,920
What aspects seem daunting or feel
464
00:30:22,380 --> 00:30:24,580
uncertain or scary?
465
00:30:25,860 --> 00:30:27,500
If we do this together,
466
00:30:28,500 --> 00:30:31,620
how would you see yourself
wanting to be involved?
467
00:30:31,820 --> 00:30:34,440
What role would you want to play in this?
468
00:30:36,360 --> 00:30:40,880
What do you need to know in order to
feel more comfortable moving forward with
469
00:30:40,900 --> 00:30:45,060
this and with me? What do you
still want to know about surrogacy?
470
00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:50,480
Because then that gives you
a good idea of next steps or
471
00:30:50,660 --> 00:30:53,520
how to prepare for those next
conversations that may be coming.
472
00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:56,420
I would say too,
473
00:30:57,400 --> 00:31:01,300
and I think you'll agree
that this whole topic
474
00:31:02,120 --> 00:31:05,000
transcends just the
partner or the husband.
475
00:31:05,860 --> 00:31:10,680
This is for those folks that are closest
476
00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:12,420
to a surrogate in her life,
477
00:31:12,780 --> 00:31:17,720
whether it's her immediate family
members, her in- laws, her friends,
478
00:31:17,780 --> 00:31:18,860
her coworkers. I mean,
479
00:31:19,060 --> 00:31:23,460
these are challenging conversations
to have in the world about
480
00:31:23,540 --> 00:31:25,420
surrogacy when you're a surrogate.
481
00:31:25,980 --> 00:31:30,120
So I just want our listeners to
take note that these are helpful
482
00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:32,200
tools and
483
00:31:33,760 --> 00:31:38,600
tips to help navigate those sometimes
thorny conversations about a
484
00:31:38,700 --> 00:31:39,540
surrogate's why.
485
00:31:40,910 --> 00:31:45,620
100% Because the same questions that
will come from a partner will also
486
00:31:45,760 --> 00:31:50,760
come from a surrogate's mother
or a mother-in-law or a close
487
00:31:50,820 --> 00:31:51,653
friend.
488
00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:56,560
And so many times the questions
or the concerns that do come
489
00:31:56,620 --> 00:32:01,060
up are rooted in a lack of
490
00:32:01,120 --> 00:32:05,720
education around surrogacy
or common misconceptions
491
00:32:05,860 --> 00:32:10,780
about surrogacy or simply
concern for you as the surrogate.
492
00:32:11,440 --> 00:32:16,120
People recognizing that it's
a pregnancy, it's a delivery.
493
00:32:16,420 --> 00:32:19,800
Those always come with some level
of inherent risks. Typically,
494
00:32:19,860 --> 00:32:23,560
these questions do come from a very
good place. People are wanting,
495
00:32:23,720 --> 00:32:24,760
needing to know more,
496
00:32:25,460 --> 00:32:28,760
and they're also concerned about
you and wanting what's best for you.
497
00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:34,120
I think one of the most pervasive
and common misunderstandings,
498
00:32:34,180 --> 00:32:39,080
and it's this misunderstanding that a
surrogate is using her own eggs and that
499
00:32:39,140 --> 00:32:43,540
child is carrying her DNA. And that's
not the case. This is not her egg,
500
00:32:43,620 --> 00:32:44,860
her DNA, her embryo.
501
00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:49,980
This is an embryo that's the
intended parent's embryo that does
502
00:32:50,060 --> 00:32:51,140
not share her DNA.
503
00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:55,480
And I think we just lose
sight of that a lot.
504
00:32:55,780 --> 00:33:00,720
And so some of those initial reactions
that not only potential partners have,
505
00:33:00,780 --> 00:33:02,620
but family members have,
506
00:33:02,680 --> 00:33:07,260
is that to this notion of
how could you give up a baby,
507
00:33:07,820 --> 00:33:11,100
they failed to realize that
it's not the surrogate's baby.
508
00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:15,900
So any just additional
tips or pointers about that
509
00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:17,140
topic in general?
510
00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:23,520
I always encourage surrogate
applicants to think about how
511
00:33:24,700 --> 00:33:29,700
they think about that moment when
they deliver this baby and baby will
512
00:33:29,740 --> 00:33:32,620
be handed over to his or her parents.
513
00:33:33,640 --> 00:33:36,240
What do they think that's
going to be like for them?
514
00:33:36,380 --> 00:33:40,420
How do they think they're going
to react? And it's really,
515
00:33:40,640 --> 00:33:45,300
really common for women in the very
beginning of stages of surrogacy when
516
00:33:45,320 --> 00:33:49,840
they're just getting started to
say something along the lines of,
517
00:33:50,700 --> 00:33:55,600
"I have thought about that and I
don't have any concerns at all about
518
00:33:55,640 --> 00:33:57,060
being attached to this baby.
519
00:33:58,040 --> 00:34:01,900
I know from the start that
this baby is not mine.
520
00:34:02,600 --> 00:34:06,140
I'm not trying to add to my
family or build my family.
521
00:34:06,780 --> 00:34:10,800
I'm doing this because I want to
help someone else." And so no,
522
00:34:11,700 --> 00:34:16,160
I don't expect to have any problems
giving this baby to his or her
523
00:34:16,200 --> 00:34:16,960
parents.
524
00:34:16,960 --> 00:34:21,780
We also find that to be
true after delivery. You can
do so much research online
525
00:34:21,820 --> 00:34:26,320
and talk to so many surrogates and
so many people who have worked in the
526
00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:29,480
surrogacy industry for
many years. And again,
527
00:34:30,100 --> 00:34:34,420
you will hear over and over is that
the reality is that surrogates,
528
00:34:35,000 --> 00:34:39,760
the vast majority will not develop
attachments to the baby and are also clear
529
00:34:39,800 --> 00:34:41,220
about that from the start.
530
00:34:41,940 --> 00:34:45,480
Absolutely. Absolutely. So yes,
531
00:34:45,800 --> 00:34:49,920
the amount of information that's out
there now and available at your fingertips
532
00:34:49,980 --> 00:34:51,440
is incredible. Allyson,
533
00:34:51,540 --> 00:34:55,320
I love that you went out and you found
resources specific to your husband's
534
00:34:55,500 --> 00:34:59,020
concerns, right?That's just incredible.
535
00:34:59,920 --> 00:35:04,360
What kind of information or support helped
ease his particular concerns that you
536
00:35:04,380 --> 00:35:05,220
were able to find?
537
00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:11,640
I think knowing that we were not
going to go into this by ourselves,
538
00:35:11,700 --> 00:35:16,680
that we did have a support system
in our surrogacy journey that
539
00:35:16,740 --> 00:35:21,520
was going to help be there and
back us and look out for our
540
00:35:21,580 --> 00:35:22,580
best interests.
541
00:35:22,660 --> 00:35:27,520
So number one was finding the right agency
542
00:35:27,800 --> 00:35:32,560
who was going to help provide
and take care of our needs of
543
00:35:32,660 --> 00:35:35,200
what we needed, support wise,
544
00:35:35,260 --> 00:35:38,520
what we were looking for emotionally,
545
00:35:38,940 --> 00:35:40,760
how they were going to be able to help us.
546
00:35:41,180 --> 00:35:46,100
Also being able to explain
what the actual process is.
547
00:35:46,180 --> 00:35:50,900
Initially, my husband had no idea
that you had to go through IVF
548
00:35:51,580 --> 00:35:56,500
and it was very foreign. He had no
idea that this is how surrogacy works.
549
00:35:56,580 --> 00:36:00,840
So being able to show him the
process and talk about how the
550
00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:05,440
actual embryo transfer
worked and how medical
551
00:36:05,560 --> 00:36:06,580
screening worked,
552
00:36:07,520 --> 00:36:12,220
I think seeing that information as well.
And then just
553
00:36:12,260 --> 00:36:17,080
being able to show through
different types of YouTube
554
00:36:17,140 --> 00:36:21,920
videos and social media that
other families are pursuing
555
00:36:21,980 --> 00:36:26,780
surrogacy and being able to see
firsthand kind of their journey as well,
556
00:36:27,160 --> 00:36:29,680
I think also opened his eyes quite a bit.
557
00:36:30,520 --> 00:36:33,920
So being able to just kind of
show and prepare him for that,
558
00:36:33,980 --> 00:36:37,820
but then also being
able to talk to others.
559
00:36:37,900 --> 00:36:42,500
As his wife sometimes information goes
in one ear and right out the other,
560
00:36:42,560 --> 00:36:45,580
just because I'm his wife and he
deals with me all day every day.
561
00:36:46,300 --> 00:36:50,760
But being able to actually sit down
and talk to somebody who is not me,
562
00:36:51,220 --> 00:36:53,260
who works in the surrogacy industry,
563
00:36:53,780 --> 00:36:56,860
who deals with cases every single day,
564
00:36:56,940 --> 00:37:01,940
being able to kind of voice his concerns
and having a direct conversation with
565
00:37:01,980 --> 00:37:06,960
somebody who was not his wife or his
partner and get more information that way,
566
00:37:07,140 --> 00:37:11,260
I think ultimately is what
helped shape and change his mind.
567
00:37:12,940 --> 00:37:13,680
And of course,
568
00:37:13,680 --> 00:37:18,480
how does he feel now that you are
further along in the surrogacy process?
569
00:37:18,780 --> 00:37:19,840
What are his feelings today?
570
00:37:20,640 --> 00:37:25,220
He is actually very excited, which
it took some time. Initially,
571
00:37:26,240 --> 00:37:29,540
this go around, he was
very open and supportive,
572
00:37:29,660 --> 00:37:34,480
but at first he also would not have
been disappointed if I said, "Okay,
573
00:37:34,580 --> 00:37:39,340
I don't want to do this anymore."
But after we had officially
574
00:37:39,420 --> 00:37:43,520
matched with a family who
is absolutely wonderful,
575
00:37:43,580 --> 00:37:48,260
being able to see actual faces
and read their profile and
576
00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:53,440
hear their story and get their
why and their difficulties
577
00:37:53,560 --> 00:37:58,320
behind having to pursue surrogacy
in order to start their family,
578
00:37:59,320 --> 00:38:02,520
that is the ultimate
turning point for him.
579
00:38:02,760 --> 00:38:07,600
That is what gave him the
excitement of knowing that we
580
00:38:07,800 --> 00:38:12,600
are going to be able to help them start
the family that we already have and that
581
00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:17,680
we love ultimately knowing and
meeting and seeing those faces
582
00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:22,960
and the story and who we were actually
going to help made the world to him.
583
00:38:23,080 --> 00:38:24,760
He is so excited about it now.
584
00:38:25,960 --> 00:38:27,800
I love that. That's amazing. I mean,
585
00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:32,080
really kind of a full circle moment for
him, right? That started six years ago.
586
00:38:33,220 --> 00:38:37,960
But you mentioned something unique and
I think that it's important to note
587
00:38:38,400 --> 00:38:41,760
that a lot of times the
partners, the couple,
588
00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:48,120
the partner really needs
to have a space to voice
589
00:38:49,320 --> 00:38:54,080
concerns or explore worries. And Lori,
590
00:38:54,480 --> 00:38:57,920
maybe you can give us a little bit of
insight as one of the mental health
591
00:38:58,000 --> 00:39:01,200
professionals that talks
to a lot of couples who,
592
00:39:02,280 --> 00:39:06,880
where the surrogate and her partner
or husband are coming in and they're
593
00:39:06,960 --> 00:39:09,880
exploring surrogacy as
part of the mental health
594
00:39:11,680 --> 00:39:12,513
interview.
595
00:39:12,860 --> 00:39:17,560
Why don't you speak a little bit
to whether or not the partner
596
00:39:17,720 --> 00:39:21,840
feels that that time
and space is a helpful
597
00:39:22,760 --> 00:39:26,320
part of the process in terms of
coming to the decision that yes,
598
00:39:26,520 --> 00:39:28,040
this is right for us. Or I mean,
599
00:39:28,160 --> 00:39:32,960
is it a safe space to voice concerns and
questions and air them out or do they
600
00:39:33,080 --> 00:39:37,960
feel like it's just kind of a necessary
step in the process and they don't view
601
00:39:38,040 --> 00:39:40,360
it as a safe space to
explore their concerns?
602
00:39:41,160 --> 00:39:45,880
After having done many of these
assessments over the years with
603
00:39:46,120 --> 00:39:50,680
couples have found that after
we take a little bit of time
604
00:39:51,160 --> 00:39:56,040
to build rapport and provide a very
605
00:39:56,160 --> 00:40:01,040
decent amount of education on the whole
surrogacy process and just start having
606
00:40:01,200 --> 00:40:02,640
some conversations together,
607
00:40:04,600 --> 00:40:09,460
I definitely often have experiences
where partners are bringing up
608
00:40:09,500 --> 00:40:10,340
their concerns.
609
00:40:10,520 --> 00:40:15,360
We do have direct conversations
about what the partner thinks
610
00:40:15,500 --> 00:40:19,980
about this idea of his wife
or partner pursuing surrogacy.
611
00:40:20,120 --> 00:40:21,620
What are his thoughts on all of this?
612
00:40:22,280 --> 00:40:27,180
And so often we end up talking about
the process they went through to get to
613
00:40:27,240 --> 00:40:29,900
this point of agreeing
to move forward together.
614
00:40:31,200 --> 00:40:33,880
Just like my husband
though, all those years ago,
615
00:40:34,520 --> 00:40:38,260
sometimes partners have agreed
that they will move forward,
616
00:40:38,320 --> 00:40:43,020
but they do have these lingering concerns
still in the back of their minds.
617
00:40:43,740 --> 00:40:48,460
And the mental health assessment
time is a perfect opportunity to
618
00:40:48,540 --> 00:40:53,100
bring those concerns up.
You're there meeting with a mental health
619
00:40:53,140 --> 00:40:58,100
professional who has years of
experience in this industry who
620
00:40:58,220 --> 00:40:59,140
has worked with many,
621
00:40:59,220 --> 00:41:03,950
many surrogates and couples in the
past who can really speak to those
622
00:41:03,990 --> 00:41:08,030
concerns and give you information
and answer your questions.
623
00:41:08,610 --> 00:41:13,450
So it's definitely a safe space
and I think the partners do really
624
00:41:13,550 --> 00:41:14,710
find it to be helpful.
625
00:41:15,170 --> 00:41:20,030
They become more educated along
the way and I think they often feel
626
00:41:20,230 --> 00:41:24,550
very reassured by the end
of it as well that, okay,
627
00:41:25,210 --> 00:41:30,090
this is a good process for
us to move forward with.
628
00:41:30,470 --> 00:41:33,510
We are getting great
support from this agency.
629
00:41:33,910 --> 00:41:37,530
I'm confident that that support
will continue throughout a surrogacy
630
00:41:40,300 --> 00:41:45,110
and my specific concerns have been
addressed now and have made me feel more
631
00:41:45,150 --> 00:41:45,983
comfortable.
632
00:41:48,910 --> 00:41:53,160
Do you think that husbands tend
to approach this more sort of
633
00:41:54,250 --> 00:41:56,860
factual and less
emotional than surrogates,
634
00:41:56,930 --> 00:42:01,790
meaning like they might decide that this
is right for them after they hear more
635
00:42:01,840 --> 00:42:06,170
details about the
contracts, life insurance,
636
00:42:06,300 --> 00:42:09,550
choices in medical care, compensation,
637
00:42:10,210 --> 00:42:14,320
some of the more kind of
operational aspects of this.
638
00:42:14,410 --> 00:42:19,150
Do you think that that helps them
gain clarity and comfort in the
639
00:42:19,170 --> 00:42:20,003
process?
640
00:42:20,970 --> 00:42:21,803
Absolutely.
641
00:42:22,010 --> 00:42:26,510
Partner can hear the
emotional investment that
642
00:42:26,970 --> 00:42:31,590
the surrogate has and why it's
important to her from that aspect
643
00:42:32,320 --> 00:42:35,570
and can understand it on a certain level,
644
00:42:35,670 --> 00:42:39,390
but may not feel that same
emotional investment, right?
645
00:42:39,590 --> 00:42:43,190
Often the partner wants to know that
646
00:42:44,530 --> 00:42:46,610
his or her partner and their family,
647
00:42:47,030 --> 00:42:50,170
that everybody is protected
through this journey, right?
648
00:42:50,590 --> 00:42:54,860
There are protections in place,
there are legal contracts in place.
649
00:42:55,340 --> 00:43:00,320
There is support provided in the
event that additional support is
650
00:43:00,410 --> 00:43:04,890
needed for any reason. That
does provide that reassurance.
651
00:43:04,990 --> 00:43:07,990
And they want to know that if
they're working within an agency,
652
00:43:08,730 --> 00:43:11,610
it's an agency that is reputable,
653
00:43:11,860 --> 00:43:13,790
that does have a lot of experience,
654
00:43:14,250 --> 00:43:19,190
and that is really well
equipped to support everyone and
655
00:43:19,230 --> 00:43:24,110
move forward in a journey with
expertise and compassion and anything
656
00:43:24,290 --> 00:43:27,610
that the surrogate and her family
might need during this process.
657
00:43:27,950 --> 00:43:32,490
Another aspect of preparation
that a surrogate can do
658
00:43:32,770 --> 00:43:36,330
before having the conversation, right?
Like Allyson was saying,
659
00:43:36,430 --> 00:43:41,350
really doing your due diligence to
look for that agency that is going to
660
00:43:41,390 --> 00:43:46,290
provide those things that are going to
be reassuring to your partner and that
661
00:43:46,330 --> 00:43:47,870
you're also going to
want during your journey.
662
00:43:48,750 --> 00:43:50,510
Yeah. I mean, I think if I was a partner,
663
00:43:50,610 --> 00:43:52,450
one of the first questions I would ask is,
664
00:43:52,970 --> 00:43:57,910
who are these people
and how experienced are
665
00:43:57,930 --> 00:44:02,570
they? I think that I would want to be
sure that my partner was protected in this
666
00:44:02,630 --> 00:44:07,350
process by working with a company and
an agency that has seen and done it
667
00:44:07,430 --> 00:44:12,250
all over the course of hundreds
and hundreds of matches
668
00:44:12,710 --> 00:44:14,190
and decades of experience.
669
00:44:14,250 --> 00:44:18,010
If a partner does need more time
to process the idea of surrogacy,
670
00:44:18,530 --> 00:44:23,330
what can a surrogate do to
give them the time and space
671
00:44:23,370 --> 00:44:26,010
without shutting down the
conversation completely?
672
00:44:27,930 --> 00:44:31,670
It takes a lot of patience and
673
00:44:32,450 --> 00:44:33,290
understanding,
674
00:44:33,950 --> 00:44:38,490
just understanding that your
partner's not in the same place that
675
00:44:39,030 --> 00:44:41,170
you're in right now and that's okay.
676
00:44:41,610 --> 00:44:45,770
Acknowledging this is a big
decision, it's a team decision.
677
00:44:45,990 --> 00:44:50,970
Encourage your partner to think about
any additional questions that he or she
678
00:44:51,050 --> 00:44:51,883
might have,
679
00:44:52,490 --> 00:44:57,070
maybe provide some of those
additional resources over time for the
680
00:44:57,130 --> 00:44:58,910
partner to review,
681
00:44:59,710 --> 00:45:04,210
whether it's websites or YouTube
videos or TikTok accounts and
682
00:45:05,270 --> 00:45:08,950
simply agree to table the
topic until a later date,
683
00:45:09,810 --> 00:45:14,730
but be ready and maybe even
plan for when that date may
684
00:45:14,790 --> 00:45:18,810
arrive, right? When can we come back
and revisit this topic together?
685
00:45:19,230 --> 00:45:23,210
And I love how Allyson
talked about along the way,
686
00:45:23,990 --> 00:45:28,990
she sort of kept her husband
engaged in the idea in the
687
00:45:29,050 --> 00:45:33,850
topic by occasionally
just sending him some fun
688
00:45:34,170 --> 00:45:36,950
videos or some fun references,
689
00:45:37,030 --> 00:45:39,210
letting him know that it
was still on her mind,
690
00:45:39,290 --> 00:45:41,450
right?
Even if they weren't quite ready to
691
00:45:43,650 --> 00:45:45,570
really make the firm decision yet.
692
00:45:45,950 --> 00:45:50,590
There are ways that you can
definitely just give that time without
693
00:45:51,270 --> 00:45:54,790
shutting down the conversation
completely and forever, right?
694
00:45:55,590 --> 00:45:56,510
Keeping it alive.
695
00:45:56,990 --> 00:45:57,823
Sure.
696
00:45:58,670 --> 00:46:03,590
Obviously support is going to
be probably number one in most
697
00:46:03,650 --> 00:46:07,170
people's journeys and knowing
that they have that backing,
698
00:46:07,270 --> 00:46:09,410
but also it's really important.
699
00:46:10,850 --> 00:46:12,370
And if you were to
700
00:46:14,170 --> 00:46:18,110
speak to any one of our listeners
who's really wanting to start that
701
00:46:18,170 --> 00:46:21,570
conversation with her partner
about her desire to be a surrogate,
702
00:46:21,950 --> 00:46:25,730
what's the one piece of advice that you've
give her right now just to make it a
703
00:46:25,850 --> 00:46:26,683
little bit easier?
704
00:46:27,050 --> 00:46:31,870
Be patient. It is truly, it is an amazing
journey, but it can be a long one.
705
00:46:32,190 --> 00:46:36,750
Be patient, be open,
have those conversations.
706
00:46:37,310 --> 00:46:40,170
Even though they might have some
707
00:46:41,930 --> 00:46:44,770
hesitation at first, that's okay.
708
00:46:45,050 --> 00:46:49,990
Keep the conversation open and just
know that it's always going to be there
709
00:46:50,270 --> 00:46:53,550
and you might just have to revisit
the topic later and that's okay.
710
00:46:56,070 --> 00:46:59,790
And what's the one thing that you'd
want her partner to hear about her why?
711
00:47:03,050 --> 00:47:07,850
I think that your partner
needs to hear the why
712
00:47:08,430 --> 00:47:13,430
and understand the reasoning
behind it so he can get behind you.
713
00:47:14,690 --> 00:47:19,270
Allyson Meadows, Lori Jarecko.
Ladies, thank you so much.
714
00:47:19,650 --> 00:47:24,430
I have no doubt that this is going to be
one of the most insightful and helpful
715
00:47:24,550 --> 00:47:27,690
topics for our listeners to digest.
716
00:47:27,850 --> 00:47:31,630
Thank you so much for sharing your
personal stories and your professional
717
00:47:31,670 --> 00:47:36,550
opinions and for making All
Things Conceivable a wonderful
718
00:47:36,610 --> 00:47:38,890
source of information
for families out there.
719
00:47:40,690 --> 00:47:42,870
Thank you so much, Jessica. Thank you.
720
00:47:51,570 --> 00:47:54,250
So rather than an aha moment, listeners,
721
00:47:54,450 --> 00:47:58,950
I'm just going to give you a hard hitting
roadmap on getting the conversation
722
00:47:59,130 --> 00:48:03,950
off the ground and building your
own confidence for having the
723
00:48:04,210 --> 00:48:08,630
information that you need at the ready
to make that conversation a productive
724
00:48:08,710 --> 00:48:13,310
one. So first, expect right away that
this is going to take time. I mean,
725
00:48:13,370 --> 00:48:15,890
you heard from Allyson,
six years is no joke.
726
00:48:16,470 --> 00:48:20,810
Some partners are immediately
at the ready and ready to go.
727
00:48:21,170 --> 00:48:25,910
Others maybe are more neutral and
that neutrality actually is okay.
728
00:48:26,370 --> 00:48:30,470
Someone doesn't need to be completely
100% on board in order to take the first
729
00:48:30,510 --> 00:48:31,770
steps to become a surrogate.
730
00:48:32,130 --> 00:48:37,030
A partner being neutral will only gain
confidence and clarity along the way.
731
00:48:37,530 --> 00:48:41,970
So just anticipate time, know that
neutral is often a good starting point,
732
00:48:42,350 --> 00:48:45,130
and from there you can continue on. Two,
733
00:48:45,590 --> 00:48:48,950
have your information at the ready.
Take Allyson's advice,
734
00:48:49,170 --> 00:48:52,850
gather all of the information
that you'll need to, one,
735
00:48:53,150 --> 00:48:56,150
dispel the myths that your
partner may have about surrogacy,
736
00:48:56,970 --> 00:49:01,690
to have concrete answers to the most
common questions or concerns that
737
00:49:01,790 --> 00:49:04,470
surround surrogacy. And finally,
738
00:49:04,890 --> 00:49:09,850
to have practical details about
surrogacy that often partners zero
739
00:49:09,990 --> 00:49:13,790
in on immediately. And practical
details are things about compensation,
740
00:49:14,210 --> 00:49:18,390
contracts, insurance, medical
care. So dispel the myths,
741
00:49:18,590 --> 00:49:23,490
have concrete answers to the most
common questions and have practical
742
00:49:23,590 --> 00:49:25,710
details at the ready. Three,
743
00:49:26,370 --> 00:49:28,830
have some good tips for
starting the conversation.
744
00:49:28,930 --> 00:49:33,630
Maybe write down some of the tips that
you learned from both Allyson and Lori.
745
00:49:33,830 --> 00:49:37,870
Anticipate what those concerns
will be and have answers ready.
746
00:49:38,530 --> 00:49:42,430
Fourth, know that you're going to be
anxious. Anxiety is part of the process.
747
00:49:42,510 --> 00:49:45,150
You might have some nervousness
about bringing up the topic.
748
00:49:45,570 --> 00:49:49,970
You might not want to be put on
the spot about concerns that arise,
749
00:49:50,030 --> 00:49:51,670
but you know what?
Embrace it.
750
00:49:51,750 --> 00:49:55,410
Know that anxiety is part of the
process and taking that first step,
751
00:49:55,590 --> 00:50:00,070
overcoming that anxiety will only
make the subsequent conversations that
752
00:50:00,210 --> 00:50:04,830
easier to have. Five, know your why. Wow,
753
00:50:04,970 --> 00:50:07,670
that was a mind blowing
topic to bring up today.
754
00:50:08,110 --> 00:50:12,250
And I think one that we often lose
sight of in talking about the myths,
755
00:50:12,790 --> 00:50:15,290
the questions or concerns
and the practical details.
756
00:50:15,450 --> 00:50:20,210
If you can kind of zero in
and dive deep and understand
757
00:50:20,550 --> 00:50:23,270
the motivation, the desire, the passion,
758
00:50:23,470 --> 00:50:27,990
the reason and the why for wanting to
become a surrogate and being able to
759
00:50:28,050 --> 00:50:29,370
articulate that why,
760
00:50:29,950 --> 00:50:33,430
you're going to be able to provide the
clarity that you need to your partner
761
00:50:33,450 --> 00:50:37,210
about why this is so important
to you. And finally, six,
762
00:50:37,970 --> 00:50:41,550
keep at it. This is not going to
be a one and done conversation.
763
00:50:41,670 --> 00:50:45,910
This is something that is a process and
a journey leading up to the surrogacy
764
00:50:46,010 --> 00:50:50,770
journey. So keep going. Have ways
to weave it into conversations,
765
00:50:50,910 --> 00:50:55,490
keep it light, keep it
interactive, keep it enjoyable,
766
00:50:55,670 --> 00:50:57,030
keep it informational.
767
00:50:57,590 --> 00:51:01,830
And eventually you might be successful
in moving that boundary and getting your
768
00:51:01,870 --> 00:51:06,730
partner to understand why it
is so important to you and to
769
00:51:07,290 --> 00:51:12,070
move the process ahead so you two can
embark on the journey of your dreams.
770
00:51:12,870 --> 00:51:14,910
So listeners, thank you
for joining me today.
771
00:51:15,750 --> 00:51:20,050
I hope that this was helpful to you.
And until next time, take good care.
772
00:51:21,790 --> 00:51:24,250
Thanks for listening.
At ConceiveAbilities,
773
00:51:24,570 --> 00:51:29,430
we believe everyone who dreams of
becoming a parent deserves that chance
774
00:51:29,930 --> 00:51:33,510
and it's strong, compassionate
women who make it possible.
775
00:51:34,090 --> 00:51:36,970
With 30 years of experience
building families,
776
00:51:37,170 --> 00:51:41,810
ConceiveAbilities has seen firsthand
the incredible impact surrogates
777
00:51:41,890 --> 00:51:46,290
make. Women like our surrogates
are a powerful force for change,
778
00:51:46,830 --> 00:51:49,170
uplifting families,
strengthening communities,
779
00:51:49,550 --> 00:51:53,650
and proving that when women empower
women, anything is possible.
780
00:51:54,130 --> 00:51:56,370
Becoming a surrogate
is more than a journey,
781
00:51:56,810 --> 00:51:59,310
it's a chance to make a lasting impact.
782
00:51:59,890 --> 00:52:04,630
Learn more about surrogacy
at ConceiveAbilities.com
because when the match is
783
00:52:04,730 --> 00:52:07,190
right, dreams come true.