S6 - Ep 377 Why “You Complete Me” Can Damage Your Marriage

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You complete me.
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Possibly one of the most romantic lines in movie history.
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And also potentially some of the worst marriage advice we've ever been given.
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Now, before you come after me, I love Jerry Maguire.
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I love the scene.
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I love the sentiment.
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I love the idea that you can have this huge moment in your life and think, this isn't nearly as meaningful if I can't share it with my person?
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Honestly, I think that's beautiful.
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But there's another interpretation of you complete me that can quietly wreak havoc on a marriage.
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Because if my spouse completes me, then what happens when they disappoint me?
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What happens when they don't notice me?
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What happens when they don't make me feel appreciated, desired, important, or happy?
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And what happens when I've spent years waiting for them to become the person I need them to be and they don't?
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That's where something really devastating can happen.
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Because sometimes we keep fighting for it, sometimes we keep trying to change them, and sometimes we quietly quit.
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Today I want to talk about what I think Jerry Maguire got beautifully right and what we've gotten terribly wrong about you complete me and why taking responsibility for your own happiness might actually be one of the most romantic things you can do for your marriage.
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And if you've quietly stopped trying in your marriage, I want to show you how to begin again.
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Welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast.
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I'm your host, Monica Tanner.
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And if you love your spouse, but you keep finding yourselves having the same arguments, feeling more like roommates than lovers, or wondering why marriage feels harder than you expect it, then you're in the right place.
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Every week we'll challenge bad marriage advice, unpack what's really happening beneath the surface, and give you practical tools to build a marriage where you feel like intimate best friends, passionate partners, and an unstoppable team.
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Because happily ever after isn't something you find, it's something you build.
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Let's get started.
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Let's talk about Jerry Maguire.
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If you've seen the movie, you know the scene.
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Jerry has just experienced incredible professional success, and yet something is missing.
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He realizes that the person he wants to share it with the most isn't there.
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So he goes home to Dorothy.
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And he essentially tells her this huge success didn't feel complete because he couldn't share it with her.
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He missed his wife.
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And then comes that line, you complete me.
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And Dorothy or Renee Zellweger gives us another one of the most famous lines in movie history, you had me at hello.
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So good, right?
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And here's the thing.
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I actually think there's something incredibly beautiful about what Jerry is trying to communicate here.
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There's a difference between saying, I'm incomplete without you, and saying, my life is richer because I get to share it with you.
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Those are not the same thing.
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I absolutely believe that love can make our lives feel fuller.
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Ben adds things to my life that I could never have created on my own.
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There are experiences that are better because he's there.
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There's jokes that are funnier because he's the one I'm telling them to.
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There's accomplishments that are more meaningful because I get to celebrate them with him.
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And there's trips that are better because we experience them together.
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There's also hard seasons that have been more bearable because I didn't have to do it alone.
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There's something incredibly powerful about having another human be the witness to your life.
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Someone who knows your backstory.
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Someone who remembers who you used to be, someone who's watched you grow up, someone who knows exactly why this particular win means so much to you.
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I love that kind of you complete me.
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I'm a huge fan of anything that makes the vulnerability of loving another person easier.
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So I'm not trying to take the romance out of this.
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I actually want you to experience more romance.
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But there's this other version of you complete me that is not romantic at all.
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And this is the one that gets us into trouble.
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It's when you complete me turns into you are responsible for me.
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The dangerous version sounds more like if you loved me enough, I would feel loved.
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If you appreciated me more, I'd feel better about myself.
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If you desired me more, I'd feel attractive.
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And if you were more affectionate, I'd feel more secure.
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It can also turn into if you helped me more, I'd feel less overwhelmed.
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If you changed this behavior, I'd finally be happy.
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And without realizing it, we've given our spouse a job they were never qualified to do.
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We've made them responsible for our emotional well-being.
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And I know this one personally.
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There was a period in my marriage when I was doing so much.
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I was in the middle of raising the kids.
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I was working in our family business.
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I was trying to start my own business.
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I was serving in our church, managing a home, trying to be a good wife and an even better mother.
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I was trying to do all the things.
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And I started looking to Ben to validate all of it.
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I wanted him to notice.
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I wanted him to appreciate how much I was doing.
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And when he didn't notice it exactly the way I wanted him to, or he came home at the end of the day and said, What got done here?
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I would get so frustrated and discouraged.
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Sometimes he'd point out something that needed attention.
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And instead of hearing the actual thing he was saying, what I heard was, everything you're doing is not enough.
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And I remember thinking, are you kidding me?
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Can you not point out one good thing before you launch into all the things that are wrong?
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Do you have any idea how much I'm doing around here?
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Can you not see all the good I'm doing?
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I was waiting for Ben to give me something I eventually realized I needed to learn how to give myself.
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And that is validation.
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Nobody spends all day with me except for me.
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I had to learn to look at my own life and say, I'm proud of how I showed up today.
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I had to learn to recognize my own efforts and accomplishments.
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I had to learn how to appreciate myself without requiring Ben to constantly reassure me that I was doing a good job.
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And here's the fascinating part.
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When I learned how to do that, when I learned how to give myself props, I could receive his appreciation as a gift instead of requiring it to feel good about myself.
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And that created a completely different relationship between the two of us.
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So I talk about this in my book because I think it's one of the most important lessons we can learn in marriage, or any relationship for that matter.
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And that is that happiness is an inside job.
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You cannot outsource it to anyone, not to your spouse, certainly not to your children, not to a career, not to your bank account, and not to your body, not even to the circumstances.
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Now that does not mean that your spouse's behavior does not affect you.
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Of course it does.
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Marriage is an interdependent relationship.
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If Ben is loving and affectionate and supportive, that affects me.
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If he's dismissive or distracted or grumpy, that also affects me.
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We influence each other enormously, but influence and responsibility are completely different things.
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Ben can influence my experience, but he is not responsible for creating my entire experience.
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Because the second I make him responsible for my happiness, I've given him an enormous amount of power.
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Now I can only be happy when he behaves correctly.
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I can only feel attractive if he desires me in the right ways.
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I can only feel appreciated if he notices me.
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I can only feel loved if he loves me exactly the way I feel like he should.
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And now I'm because there's only one human being on this planet whose thoughts, choices, behaviors, and growth I have 100% control over.
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And that's me.
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And that brings us to something I've been thinking about a lot lately, because Oprah just did an incredible interview on it.
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And that's what happens when your spouse doesn't complete you.
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Because let's play this all the way out.
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What happens if you spend the next 5, 10, or 20 years waiting for your spouse to finally become the person who can make you happy?
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At first, you try to explain, you hint, you complain, you remind, you nag, you fight about it.
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And you start to think if I can just get them to understand how important this is to me, they'll change.
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Maybe you start sending them podcasts or books to read, maybe you send them Instagram reels, you leave subtle hints, maybe they're not even subtle anymore.
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Maybe you've had the same argument 400 times, and eventually you'll get tired.
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And this is where something can start to happen in marriage that I think is incredibly dangerous because it's when you get tired and you stop, you stop asking and initiating and planning, you stop flirting or bringing up the hard stuff, you stop telling them when they've hurt your feelings, and you stop being curious, you stop even making bids for connection.
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Eventually, maybe you even stop fighting.
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And from the outside, your marriage might actually look more peaceful.
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You're still married, still living together, still getting the kids where they need to go and paying the bills and making dinner, you're attending family events and managing the calendar.
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You might even still be sleeping in the same bed.
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So you're functioning, but somewhere along the way, you might have started quietly quitting your marriage.
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Not necessarily because you stopped loving your partner, but maybe because you stopped believing that anything you did would matter.
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Oprah Winfrey just did an entire podcast about quietly quitting your marriage based on an article in the cut.
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And I think we need to be very careful as we discuss this because I'm not talking about protecting yourself from an abusive situation or an unsafe relationship.
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I'm talking about ordinary marriages where disappointment and resentment have slowly accumulated to the point where quietly quitting can look incredibly normal.
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It can look like scrolling on your phones every night next to each other on the couch.
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It can look like pouring all of your energy into your children or your work or your hobbies or your friendships or your fitness.
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It can look like never initiating sex because you're tired of getting rejected.
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It can look like little to no affection because your spouse doesn't seem interested anymore.
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It can look like making the decision that you're not planning any dates until they plan something, or you're just not bringing up that issue again.
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And sometimes it looks like, why bother?
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And that phrase, why bother, might be one of the biggest warning signs in marriage.
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Because here's something I've learned after 24 years of marriage and working with hundreds of couples.
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Sometimes the scariest things is not that your spouse is complaining, because complaining means that they still believe something could change.
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The scarier moment is when they stop asking altogether.
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And here's where I want to be really careful.
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I don't want you to listen to this episode and think, great, now quiet quitting is one more thing I'm doing wrong.
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That's not what I'm saying.
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I want you to become curious.
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I want you to ask yourself, where have I stopped participating in my marriage?
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Where have I decided that my effort doesn't matter?
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Where have I made my willingness to show up dependent on whether or not my partner goes first?
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Because there's another option besides desperately trying to change your partner and completely giving up.
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Are you ready?
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The third option is you can start showing up differently.
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Not because it guarantees that your partner's gonna change, not because you are need to become responsible for carrying all of the emotional weight in your marriage.
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And definitely not because a healthy marriage requires tolerating mistreatment, but because you are the only one who gets to decide who you want to be.
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So my marriage hard truth, I want you to think about is you may have to go first.
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This is one of the most important relationship principles I teach.
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You have 100% control over yourself, and that's it.
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And I actually think that's great news.
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Because if your marriage can only improve after your spouse changes, then you're completely powerless.
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If you can only flirt after they flirt, or you can only be affectionate if they go first, or you only apologize after they apologize first, or you're waiting to plan something until they plan it first, all of that makes you powerless.
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But you don't have to wait for them to go first.
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You can make a bid, you can put your phone down, you can ask a better question, you can reach across the bed, you can initiate a date, you can say that hard thing, you can get curious, you can apologize, you can start flirting, you can tell them what you want instead of waiting for them to guess.
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You can choose your spouse again.
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That does not mean that you have to do all the work forever.
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Marriage is meant to be collaborative.
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I want both of you participating, but somebody has to go first and disrupt the pattern.
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And sometimes the most powerful question you can ask is not when is my spouse finally gonna start trying?
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But rather, where could I start putting in some effort again?
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Notice I said again, not try harder.
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I don't want you to try harder.
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Trying harder sounds exhausting.
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It sounds like another thing to add to your to-do list, another thing to get wrong, another way in which you're failing.
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I'm not asking you to try harder.
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I'm asking you to try again.
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Those are two very different things.
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And if you would like my help with that, this is exactly why I created my hotter together 14-day challenge.
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Because if you're listening to this and thinking, okay, Monica, I get it.
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Maybe I've checked out a little, or you're thinking we love each other, but we've got a little comfortable, or even we're good partners and great parents, but I really miss us.
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Or you could even be thinking, our marriage isn't bad at all.
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I just know I could feel more connected, playful, and passionate than I do right now.
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I don't want you to just leave this episode inspired for 20 minutes and then go back to the normal routine of your life.
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I want to help you do something about this.
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The Hotter Together challenges 14 days of turning towards your marriage again.
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It's not fixing your spouse or yourself.
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It's not turning your marriage into another self-help project.
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It's about intentionally bringing some energy back into the relationship.
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I want you to pay more attention to each other.
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I want you to be more affectionate.
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I want you to show more curiosity towards one another.
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I want you to regain playfulness, more flirting, more connection, more intention.
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Because you probably don't need a giant intervention.
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What you need is momentum.
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What you need is to remember, yeah, I like this person.
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I like flirting with them.
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I like laughing with them, I like touching them, and I like being their person.
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I like us.
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That's what I want the Hotter Together Challenge to help you rediscover.
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So if this episode has made you realize that maybe you've quietly stopped trying in some area of your marriage, or you simply want to turn up the heat on an already good marriage, I want you to join me in the 14-day hotter together challenge.
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All you have to do is go to monicatanner.com slash hotter.
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And for 14 days, you're gonna stop waiting for your marriage to magically get better and you're going to intentionally make it different.
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Again, just go to www.monicatanner.com slash hotter.
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And now let's get back to Jerry Maguire because I don't want to leave him completely hanging.
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I actually think there's a version of you complete me that I love.
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It's not you fill the holes inside of me.
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It's I'm whole and you're whole.
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And life is better because I get to share it with you.
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I don't need Ben to make me whole, but I do choose to share my life with him.
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I don't need him to make me happy, but his presence adds tremendous happiness to my life.
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I don't need him to constantly validate my worth, but I absolutely cherish his compliments.
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In other words, I don't need him to complete me.
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However, we do create things together that neither one of us could have on our own.
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We've got this beautiful family.
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We have a history together.
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We have inside jokes that we enjoy together.
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We've created traditions and memories and intimacy and growth and this beautiful, beautiful life.
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That's what I think better together actually means.
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Not I'm half a person and you're my missing half, but I'm responsible for me and you're responsible for you.
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And together, we're responsible for what we create between us.
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Now that is so romantic to me.
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So here's what I want you to think about after this episode.
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Where have I quietly stopped trying in my marriage?
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Don't make this about your spouse.
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I don't want you to immediately think, well, they started it or they stopped trying first.
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Maybe they did.
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We are not keeping score right now.
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Just look at yourself.
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Have you stopped flirting?
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Have you stopped initiating?
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Have you stopped being curious?
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Have you stopped expressing appreciation?
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Have you stopped planning fun things?
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Have you stopped reaching for their hand?
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Have you stopped telling them what you actually want in life?
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Have you stopped letting them in?
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Have you stopped noticing them?
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Have you stopped bringing your best energy home?
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All I want you to do is pick and ask yourself, what would trying again look like in this area of my marriage?
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Maybe you send a text, maybe you pull them in for a long kiss.
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Maybe it's 20 minutes of your undivided attention without your phone.
00:19:57.039 --> 00:19:58.640
Maybe you initiate sex.
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Maybe you plan a really fun date.
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Maybe it's just saying, I miss us, and I'd really like to get some of that back.
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It doesn't have to be dramatic.
00:20:09.279 --> 00:20:11.839
It just has to be intentional.
00:20:12.079 --> 00:20:19.279
Because great marriages are just two people trying again and choosing each other, even when it's hard.
00:20:19.440 --> 00:20:21.920
So Jerry Maguire had it wrong.
00:20:22.160 --> 00:20:24.400
Your spouse doesn't complete you.
00:20:24.480 --> 00:20:36.559
And that's actually great news because your happiness, your growth, and the way you show up do not have to be dependent on your spouse becoming who you need them to be.
00:20:36.799 --> 00:20:38.559
You are not powerless.
00:20:38.720 --> 00:20:51.359
You can make the bid, you can tell the truth, you can get more curious, you can flirt, you can repair, you can reach, and you can 100% choose your spouse again.
00:20:51.519 --> 00:21:00.079
You do not need your spouse to complete you, but if you want an extraordinary marriage, you both have to participate in what you're creating together.
00:21:00.319 --> 00:21:04.559
So if you've stopped or if you've quietly quit, it's up to you.
00:21:04.720 --> 00:21:05.440
Start again.
00:21:05.599 --> 00:21:16.640
And if you want me to help you do exactly that for the next 14 days, go check out the Hotter Together 14-day challenge, monicatanner.com slash hotter.
00:21:16.799 --> 00:21:18.880
Let's bring back some intention.
00:21:19.119 --> 00:21:20.720
I promise it'll be fun.
00:21:20.880 --> 00:21:24.480
And I'll see you same time, same place next week.
00:21:24.559 --> 00:21:27.039
And until then, happy marriaging.
00:21:27.759 --> 00:21:29.279
Before you go, remember this.
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Happily ever after doesn't happen by accident.
00:21:32.079 --> 00:21:35.359
It's something you build one intentional choice at a time.
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If this conversation encouraged you, would you do me a favor and share it with someone you love?
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Your spouse, a friend, or another couple who could use a little hope today.
00:21:44.400 --> 00:21:48.640
Thanks for being here, and until next time, keep building your happily ever after.
00:21:50.880 --> 00:21:55.039
This podcast is produced, mixed, and edited by Carnival Studio.
00:21:55.279 --> 00:22:04.799
For more information about how to start your podcast, please visit www.cartio.co or leave mic at mic.com.
00:22:05.119 --> 00:22:07.759
You can also find the details in the show notes.