Ep 382 Fixing Desire Gaps In Marriage with Dr. Diane Mueller

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Hello, and thank you so much for joining us today.
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I just want to be sensitive to little ears.
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If you are listening to this in front of impressionable young people, we are talking about our sexual intimacy today, and we will be a little bit explicit.
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So pop in some earbuds and make sure you listen to this episode because you're not gonna want to miss it.
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Welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast.
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I'm your host, Monica Tanner.
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And if you love your spouse, but you keep finding yourselves having the same arguments, feeling more like roommates than lovers, or wondering why marriage feels harder than you expected, then you're in the right place.
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Every week we'll challenge bad marriage advice, unpack what's really happening beneath the surface, and give you practical tools to build a marriage where you feel like intimate best friends, passionate partners, and an unstoppable team.
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Because happily ever after isn't something you find, it's something you build.
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Let's get started.
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Listen up, I am so excited to bring the expertise of my friend Diane Mueller, who is a board-certified sexologist, to add to the discussion we've been having for the last few weeks and sexy sex temper.
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So before I screw up what a board certified sexologist is, I'm going to pass the mic to you, Diane, to tell us what that actually is.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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So as a board certified sexologist, what that means is that there is a board, a board that is comes in and looks to say, What are you doing in your work?
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Are you really studying?
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Are you really advancing the field of sexology?
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And they look to analyze you to see if you qualify essentially for that certification based upon your work, which I did and which I have continued to do for several years in a row now.
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And the biggest thing with it, why I think it's super important to talk to somebody like myself, you know, whether it's me or somebody like me that is a board certified sexologist, is because so many times in life, like I see this in health, like sex or not, you know, not even involving sex, that so many times in life we're trying to figure out like, well, what is normal, right?
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As we go through midlife, we're, you know, constantly figuring out, well, is, you know, is this a level of fatigue that's normal?
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Is like, is this weight gain normal?
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Is the fact that I brain fog normal?
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And so many times people are making comparisons of figuring out, is there an imbalance based upon their friends and their colleagues?
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And sadly, we really have not been trained to say and to know what is normal with sex and what is say a problem on the relationship if this is not prioritized.
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And a lot of people are just kind of, I would say, suffering, or it's not even always suffering.
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Sometimes it's just a feeling of like, oh, my relationship's just not as good as it could be.
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But it's sometimes we just wind up having this passive acceptance because we're either comparing ourselves to our friends or we're not talking to somebody who's really teaching us somebody that studies and helps people understand research and what is normal and what's not normal and what's balanced and what's not balanced and helps people understand uniquely for them in their relationship how to get their intimate needs met.
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Yes, I love that clarification because I do feel like a lot of times people ask me what's normal and what's not normal.
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And I often say that creating a sex life that works for both of you, there is no normal.
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Like that is the goal.
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It's something that feels good for both of you.
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And so being able to attack it from that lens, you're gonna be different.
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There are desire differences in all aspects of marriage, especially in sex.
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And so it's not necessarily the desire discrepancy.
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It's how do we bridge the gap and create something that works really well for both of us?
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And it does require work and effort on the part of the couple.
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And I'm so glad you're here to kind of talk about what that looks like, really, how to talk about it, what to talk about, and how to really just make that a reality.
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How can two people who have different sex drives enjoy their sexual relationship?
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Yeah, and and I totally agree with you.
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It's a very problematic thing, I think, to say is something like, oh, well, we have to have sex X number of times per week, month, year, et cetera, in order to be normal.
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That's certainly not what we're saying, and it is super individualized.
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So one, you know, one thing that comes up as far as is this normal, is this not, is really a better question of is this healthy and are we happy with our sex life or are we not?
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And as people are thinking about that, I really encourage people to think about sex, not just about that physical act, but we see that that sexual intimacy does so much as far as helping with closeness, helping feel connected, helping feel more bonded.
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There's even studies that have shown that when we are regularly sexually intimate, and I'm not just talking about P and V, penis and vagina sex, I'm talking about, you know, anything in the whole sexual intimacy side of part, you know, side of things, how we play.
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But what we see is when people are sexually intimate, it actually raises their threshold of tolerance for other, for like little things that bother us.
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And there's been studies on this.
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So for example, all those little quirks that you start noticing in your partner the longer you've been together.
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And, you know, the way my partner and I say it sometimes is I love all of your, all of your parts and most of your sides, right?
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So we all have those sides, right, that are not our favorite parts of other humans.
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And there's this, like I said, there's been studies that have shown that when we are regularly sexually intimate, it actually raises our threshold of tolerance of those little quirky parts of our partner not actually bothering us so much.
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So when we're talking about, okay, well, are we happy with our sexual intimate life and is this enough for us as a couple?
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I would really encourage people when they're you're asking the questions to not just ask about like sex itself, but to actually ask your questions around are you feeling as connected?
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Like, are you happy with your level of connection?
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Are you happy with the level of your emotional connection?
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Are you happy with the bond?
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Are you feeling like you would benefit from not being annoyed about those little quirky things, that, you know, that sort of thing?
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And if you're actually answering any of those in a from a sense of like, oh yeah, I couldn't, that would be nice if the relationship improved in that area, then sexual intimacy might be something that if it was prioritized and focused on maybe a little bit different way, that it might provide the support and in helping with that bond and those sorts of things.
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Yeah, I do think that's so real because I have noticed when there's seasons where that feels strained, where our sexual relationship feels strained, the rest of our relationship also feels strained.
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And I want to just be careful because I think this gets thrown on the men a lot.
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Like men get grumpy if they don't get enough sex, and so women start to feel obligated, and then that in and of itself puts a big strain on the sex life.
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And so I want to just be careful about you know, people listening to this and going, okay, so you're saying my husband won't be so grumpy and in a bad mood if I have more sex with him.
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Like, I definitely that's not what we're saying.
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And if the sexual relationship is not up to if you're not finding a frequency that you both like, like let's really talk about what feels good.
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Because one of the things that's worked really well for me, and I want you to speak to this too, is because you mentioned your sexual relationship does not just include penis and vagina sex.
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Your sexual relationship is any number of things that brings pleasure to each party in the marriage, right?
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And so a lot of times when we run into a huge desire discrepancy, the work that I like to do with couples is to widen the menu of what is acceptable as sexual play, right?
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Like there's a whole lot of things that can fall under that umbrella that can be pleasurable to both parties that don't necessarily include penis and vagina sex.
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It's a really important thing.
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And it's actually one of the things like widening the definition is one of the things that I feel that really helps with that desire mismatch and that desire gap.
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Because sometimes part of the gap can be, wow, this is just a lot of effort and I'm so tired.
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It can be that it's, you know, at certain times of our lives as women, it can take a really long time to get aroused.
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And sometimes it just feels like, goodness, I don't have the 20 minutes to get aroused or the 30 minutes to get aroused, and then really start playing after that.
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So that can be something.
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I'm going through something personal right now that also falls in this category, which is I have a flair right now of interstitial cystitis, which is kind of like inflammation of the bladder wall.
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And sex, P and V sex is really painful for me right now.
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So that, you know, it's another example of like health things could come up where a lot of times if we're thinking of sex as just this P and V scenario, well, we don't have time, we don't have energy, we have pain, whatever it is.
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And oftentimes in those scenarios, we just say, well, that's off the table.
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But when we actually broaden and say, Oh, well, there's all of these different ways that we can enjoy sexual intimacy and sexual touch and sexual play that are broader than that, then oftentimes I find that if a person with low desire, maybe they're not available to show up for like full-on intercourse every time this is initiated.
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But if we can widen that, then all of a sudden that person's like oftentimes feels, well, I can actually be available for this other type of play more often.
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And so it's a way that we can get people back on the same page with saying more intimacy in all these other ways.
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And the other thing that I find that happens when we widen the definition is it allows for novelty to come back in because left to our own devices as humans, we are we're creatures of habit, right?
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There's, you know, several different routes I could take to go pick the kids up from school or go to the grocery store or whatever.
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But I like most people, take the same route every time, right?
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And and sex is the same way.
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We get into these sexual scripts.
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And it's very common for sex to look like, well, you kiss me here, I kiss you there, we do this and then we do that, we do P and V if you're hetero and we, you know, have the big finale and that's it, right?
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And maybe we have one to three versions of that, but that's just how we as humans create habits.
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It's just, it's, it's natural.
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And so when we widen that definition of sex and we start to allow for playing in different ways to actually count as intimacy.
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And if we don't get all the way to P and D sex, it doesn't mean that something's wrong or we didn't finish, or you know, when we take away any stigma or meaning to that, then we can start to say, wow, there's all these other ways that maybe we haven't played in years and focused on this or that, that now get back into the repertoire.
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And it really makes sexual intimacy a lot less boring, a lot more interesting.
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And just, and that also can help the mind stay really engaged, especially if people are feeling super overwhelmed by the day in life, which makes sex very challenging sometimes to stay present.
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But if we're bringing new novel things in by expanding our definition of sex, the novelty is a huge reason that if anybody finds them self-like checking out, just like thinking about the kids, the list, the groceries, all those things, totally normal.
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But bringing that novelty back gives the brain something new to focus on.
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And when the brain's in habit, it can check out.
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When the brain's in newness, it has a tendency to stay more present.
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So that can also lead to a lot more enjoyment with sex if somebody is just finding that they it just hasn't been enjoyable or that interesting in a while.
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Yeah, I love that point about novelty, but also I think when we think of sex as something that we do, it can easily be categorized on the to-do list.
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I like to think of sex as a place that we go to escape the to-do list, like just to play with our best friend and not have to think about all of the other things.
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Like it's I like to think of it like a playground.
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Like we get to go hang out with a buddy, try new things, like just feel good and play with each other.
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So I don't know.
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I know when we were preparing for this episode, you talked about three different ways to think about kind of sexual discrepancies or mismatches, or even just like what could be the problems that we're facing when we're thinking about creating a sex life that we both enjoy.
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So I would love to just like tee you up to talk about those three things.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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So these three pillars, as I call them, are really related to what drives low desire disorder and what drives, you know, sometimes what happens for people of just feeling like, well, either it's not working as well, or maybe the performance is not as good as it used to be.
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Any of these types of things follow fall under three pillars of root causes and reasons for this.
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And as I launch into these, one of the things I really encourage people is to listen to all of them because so many times, the majority of time, in fact, I find that people have something out of balance in each of the pillars and sometimes several things.
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It's like one out of a thousand, honestly, Monica, that I will find that somebody has truly only one reason for for most people, almost everybody, it's multiple.
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So let's go through these pillars one at a time.
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So the first pillar is the physical.
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Now, this is the easiest pillar in many ways to talk about because we are more taught to look at health and imbalances in our health from the physical body standpoint, right?
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So these are going to be things like hormonal imbalances, thyroid imbalance, toxins can cause inflammation in the body that can lead to low desire.
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Another huge one, of course, is our sex hormones like testosterone.
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And then, of course, we have to mention things like our circulation.
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And I want to make sure that as we're going through physical causes, I'm not talking about every physical cause here.
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I do go through more of them in my book, want to want it.
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But as I, as we're talking about these, I want to make sure everybody understands that we're talking about females and males that this applies to, because for men, it's very common that we talk about blood flow, right?
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And blood flow not only to get an erection, but blood flow to make you as hard as a man as you were in your 20s, which is actually possible.
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And if you're not, it's very, very normal, but also a sign that there's perhaps a blood flow change there.
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But for women, blood flow is also really, really important.
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We need blood flow to our clitoris, to our vulva, to our vagina in order for sex to feel good.
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And as we tend to age, this blood flow gets slower and slower and slower, how quickly it goes to our female parts.
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And as that happens, what happens for many women is it can take longer and longer and longer for her to get aroused.
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And so sex initially, it might not be as quick for her to feel like, oh, this actually feels pleasurable and good.
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That might take a little bit longer.
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It's called more of a responsive desire, which is very common, especially in women.
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I do want to plug as we move into pillar two here.
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Pillar two is all about knowing yourself.
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So it's about, goodness, do you even know what turns you on the most?
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Do you even know that the right side, if you're a female, the right side of your vulva is more sensitive than the left side?
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You know, do you know as a male, like what types of strokes you really truly like in a way that you could actually describe them to your partner?
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Of course, you probably know how to do them, but do you know it well enough to say, yeah, this is what's happening so that you can describe it to your partner.
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One of the fun ways that I find like starts to like bridge gaps for men and women here.
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And this is how we can start to learn our hand heal from circulation are pumps.
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So I have like this pump that is the pump for women.
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So this one goes around the vulva and the labia, and this is just a little one for the clitoris, and then it has this like vacuum here.
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And so this actually provides suction in a very, very great way.
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This come not all compared to sealed in a way that's safe for all your parts.
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And so as suction is applied to the lady parts, then what we wind up happening is we wind up getting blood flow to that tissue.
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And what we see with this is this doesn't just help acutely.
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The more we start to use these pumps, the more that it's for the circulation is actually repaired.
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And you actually see that women can get faster and fast, more fastly and quicker aroused.
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And then of course we have like the male version, which takes the same device and has these multiple cylinders.
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There's more than this, or like some some for every size.
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But men are finding on a lot of men, there's been a lot of studies and research on these, girth increases one inch or more, um, length and curve.
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I'm sorry, girth, length and curve as well.
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And so this is a great way to start to heal some of the circulation issues in part one.
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And then also is a great thing as you're learning your own body in part two to say, okay, well, what are my needs, wants, preferences, desires?
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Do I have any body shame?
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And as you're exploring that, you can use some of this to start to bring that arousal back to your parts, taking care of your parts.
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So then when we get to pillar three, which is all about that communication.
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Pillar three is all around how well do we interrelate to each other?
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So, do I know how to talk about sex with you?
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You know, you being a partner.
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Do I know how to talk to about sex with you in a way that is not gonna hurt your ego?
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It's not gonna shame you.
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Do I know how to receive feedback with understanding of where my partner is coming from in a loving way, where I'm working to not be so ego protective where I'm not hearing, you know, their needs and that sort of thing?
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Are we able to come together to figure out, okay, well, how can we do new novel things?
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Are we able to play in certain ways?
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You know, you mentioned play in this intro, and I couldn't agree more.
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The sex space, I think, is one of the only places that's truly reserved for us as adults, where it's like, oh yeah, fantasize, you know, try new things, explore, bring in toys, right?
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Like sex is really one of the only places that is adults.
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It's like our playground there.
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So all of that is really under pillar three.
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How are we able to do that?
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And in order to fix low desire, in order to get back on the same page with any desire discrepancies, like I said, it's generally fixing things in all three pillars in order to really have the sex life that you want.
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I love your three pillars.
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And I want to focus on the third one.
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Well, actually, I think it's number two and number three in their interplay.
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But can you talk about how do we remove the stigma of how we grew up and what was acceptable?
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And, you know, like really kind of challenging the idea if we grew up in a home where sex wasn't talked about or it was dirty or it wasn't acceptable to think about, talk about, want to be sexual.
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It's a really important question.
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And that, you know, from a pillar perspective, it's a one of the things that falls under pillar two, which is all again about that personal right.
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Because if it's really common that either sex was stigmatized, as you're bringing up, or sex was just not talked about at all.
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And that has its own subconscious things.
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You know, if we're growing up and you know, this is always like, okay, well, maybe it's not stigmatized, but we never bring it up.
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It's something that's just in shadows.
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That even if it's just subconscious, oftentimes some sort of still sends a message around like, this is wrong, this is shameful, this is not supposed to be talked about.
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So one of the things I encourage people to also recognize as, you know, as part of this, is sometimes we don't even know if we have those, those subconscious beliefs there, right?
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So a way to start analyzing this and and kind of mirroring and self-checking yourself to say, oh, is there work that needs to be done in order to elevate yourself and grow this way?
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Is to see, is there any time that that you're having difficult times staying present?
00:19:48.559 --> 00:19:58.720
It can be several things, but one thing that it can be is a shameful or an experience from the past that is in our subconscious that is making that moment feel unsafe.
00:19:58.880 --> 00:20:00.640
So that's one particular way.
00:20:00.799 --> 00:20:08.240
Also, I would say look out for if you're having these types of conversations and it's bringing like a high level of fear or worry or that sort of thing.
00:20:08.319 --> 00:20:12.319
And there's a level where that's going to be normal for everybody until you're practice with this.
00:20:12.480 --> 00:20:20.799
But sometimes if it's like a really heightened amount of those things and it feels it feels like, wow, this is so much more emotion than I should feel, right?
00:20:20.880 --> 00:20:34.400
If you're asking saying those kind of things, like something feels out of balance, then that's a time to step back and say, okay, well, I wonder if there's a belief or something that I'm holding in my consciousness from prior in life to, you know, to reanalyze.
00:20:34.559 --> 00:20:38.240
And so one of the ways that we can begin to do this is asking questions.
00:20:38.400 --> 00:20:41.200
So let's say, and asking questions to ourselves is what I mean.
00:20:41.359 --> 00:20:50.160
So I will kind of teach this through an example, which is let's say that somebody is feeling like sex is, let's just say that sex is dirty, right?
00:20:50.240 --> 00:20:51.200
Let's just go very broad.
00:20:51.279 --> 00:20:55.440
And let's say there's a subconscious belief that sex is dirty, not the good, dirty, bad, dirty.
00:20:55.599 --> 00:20:59.359
And so what you want to then do is first ask your question, you know, why?
00:20:59.519 --> 00:21:06.240
Well, well, maybe my parents said that to me, or maybe a friend or maybe a teacher said something like that to me in a it as a child.
00:21:06.400 --> 00:21:07.519
Okay, great, you got that.
00:21:07.599 --> 00:21:08.559
Ask another question.
00:21:08.720 --> 00:21:09.920
Well, why does that matter?
00:21:10.079 --> 00:21:12.400
And the key thing is why does that matter?
00:21:12.559 --> 00:21:13.279
Why does that matter?
00:21:13.440 --> 00:21:14.079
Why does that matter?
00:21:14.240 --> 00:21:14.960
Why does that matter?
00:21:15.039 --> 00:21:21.200
And you continually to ask that question to yourself until you get to a point where it feels like that's the root.
00:21:21.359 --> 00:21:27.119
And you'll know it's the root when it's like it's the answer you're getting from inside is something like, well, it just is.
00:21:27.279 --> 00:21:28.799
It just is because it is, right?
00:21:28.880 --> 00:21:33.440
So it feels like there's nowhere to go with a deeper level of questioning there.
00:21:33.599 --> 00:21:36.720
And so now once you got that, you have your core belief.
00:21:36.880 --> 00:21:48.480
And once we have our core belief, and this is, you know, applicable to so many things in psychological regrowing, you know, our neuron neuronal system, is that when we get to that core belief, now we know how to change it.
00:21:48.559 --> 00:21:51.759
So then we can start to say, well, is this true?
00:21:52.000 --> 00:21:53.519
And is this actually true?
00:21:53.680 --> 00:21:55.599
Like, is this true for every person?
00:21:55.759 --> 00:21:57.440
Is this true across space and time?
00:21:57.680 --> 00:22:04.720
Did God spirit the universe Write this on some great script in the sky somewhere deeming this is true, right?
00:22:04.799 --> 00:22:13.839
So we just, you know, we start to really challenge it to you know to to our core to say, is this actually truly true, or is this something that I just believe to be true?
00:22:14.000 --> 00:22:19.759
And if you ask those kind of questions, then usually we get to a point that says, okay, this is just something that I believe to be true.
00:22:19.920 --> 00:22:25.119
And then we start to shift that belief by saying, well, what is also true?
00:22:25.359 --> 00:22:29.119
But what is also true in a way that my nervous system can believe?
00:22:29.359 --> 00:22:44.079
So sometimes if we're gonna go, if our belief is, you know, is that sex is dirty and we're gonna try to reform it and we want it to be like sex is the most powerful, God-given thing that is wonderful and sacred and divine and beautiful and you know, all the things that I believe.
00:22:44.240 --> 00:22:46.000
Well, that might be a really far jump.
00:22:46.160 --> 00:22:54.880
And if the nervous system, the subconscious for so long has believed it's dirty, it might be a very hard thing to reprogram the nervous system all the way to that.
00:22:55.039 --> 00:23:00.000
So we might, we might take a smaller step and say, like, what actually feels true, like something I could believe.
00:23:00.240 --> 00:23:04.000
Sex is a really great way of expressing love with my partner, you know.
00:23:04.079 --> 00:23:05.599
For example, make it true for you.
00:23:05.759 --> 00:23:07.839
And then we need to repattern it.
00:23:07.920 --> 00:23:11.519
And this is where we can repattern by, you know, by repeating.
00:23:11.599 --> 00:23:18.880
But one of my favorite ways of repattering any belief we have with sex that is not serving us is actually during sex.
00:23:19.039 --> 00:23:24.960
So I will have at times, if I'm trying to repattern something, I will actually talk to my partner about it.
00:23:25.119 --> 00:23:30.480
And one of the things that we change is one of the things we see with sex is that our brain wave change.
00:23:30.720 --> 00:23:41.119
So when I talk to my partner about it, what I'm saying is what I tell him is that when we are making love, you know, once you feel me drop into the state, can you whisper dot dot dot into my ear?
00:23:41.279 --> 00:23:49.920
And, you know, we see it so cool because we see that we can really affect our brain neurology and reprogramming our thoughts with things like meditation, right?
00:23:50.000 --> 00:23:56.400
We we've known that for some time we drop into those lower theta brainwave states and our brain becomes no more suggestible.
00:23:56.559 --> 00:24:02.559
Well, when we are in that present moment of sex and sexual ecstasy, our brain waves change.
00:24:02.640 --> 00:24:04.160
We become more suggestible.
00:24:04.240 --> 00:24:07.200
So it's a really fun way to chat with your partner.
00:24:07.440 --> 00:24:12.000
And it doesn't, I wouldn't, you know, suggest doing this until you get to that core belief, right?
00:24:12.079 --> 00:24:15.119
That you want to change and you know what you want to change it to and all that.
00:24:15.279 --> 00:24:34.960
But once you know, you can bring that into sex and then you can use sex for like this, not only this connecting with your partner, but in a way that's actually deeply changing and deeply reprogramming your subconscious with what you want the program to be, not what you know your learned program was from childhood and from witnessing the world around you.
00:24:35.200 --> 00:24:35.599
Wow.
00:24:35.759 --> 00:24:44.400
I have been learning about talking about experiencing sex, like in my own marriage and also, you know, helping couples through it.
00:24:44.480 --> 00:24:46.319
I've never ever heard that before.
00:24:46.480 --> 00:24:48.240
And it makes so much sense to me.
00:24:48.400 --> 00:24:58.799
Like I can totally recognize that when I am submitting in a state like that, it does make sense that I could reprogram problematic thoughts.
00:24:58.960 --> 00:25:16.559
Like, for example, like if I felt like I was fat or something, and you know, my husband was telling me how beautiful he thought I was, in that state, it's much more believable and feels like it would drop down deeper into my subconscious than just when we're hanging out in the kitchen or something, you know?
00:25:16.720 --> 00:25:18.000
Like you've nailed it.
00:25:18.240 --> 00:25:18.480
Yeah.
00:25:18.799 --> 00:25:20.960
So that is so valuable.
00:25:21.200 --> 00:25:32.000
Okay, so kind of my big question to you is I like to give people really who are listening, like I like to give them a big payoff, like something really actionable that they can do right now.
00:25:32.160 --> 00:25:33.279
So that's number one.
00:25:33.440 --> 00:25:38.960
Like literally, maybe use sex to help you reprogram some problematic core beliefs.
00:25:39.200 --> 00:25:39.759
Love that.
00:25:39.920 --> 00:25:47.200
But aside from that, if somebody's listening to this and they're like, okay, obviously we've got some work to do in this area.
00:25:47.359 --> 00:25:59.039
What are like a couple of things that you suggest that couples can do, like right now, ways to bring it up or start reconsidering the way they're thinking about their sex life that would be really actionable?
00:25:59.279 --> 00:26:03.599
Well, you kind of named the answer in the question, which is bringing it up.
00:26:03.759 --> 00:26:14.400
Because one of the biggest things that I think is the one that can change intimate life, both emotional and sexual, so deeply is beginning to talk about sex.
00:26:14.559 --> 00:26:24.720
And because what's so amazing is like the skills that we learn are when we start to really put effort in this, they apply to all the other challenging conversations in relationship as well.
00:26:24.880 --> 00:26:31.519
And one of the biggest skills to initiate with is just starting to open the conversation.
00:26:31.599 --> 00:26:36.319
And most people untrained have a tendency to do what's natural and normal, right?
00:26:36.400 --> 00:26:41.119
We are as human beings, we are designed to want to fix problems, right?
00:26:41.359 --> 00:26:50.400
And so it's very, very common for people to be like, okay, well, you know, this one thing, maybe I haven't said anything for a while, but I really don't love this thing that we do when we're sexually intimate.
00:26:50.480 --> 00:26:54.079
And so a lot of people will then say, like, you know, I want to change this thing, honey.
00:26:54.160 --> 00:26:55.680
I'm not loving that thing so much.
00:26:55.839 --> 00:27:20.559
I would advise you strongly, unless you're working with a sex therapist, you know, more in a one-on-one session that is, you know, like describing this otherwise and helping you otherwise, but as general advice, I would recommend that you start by first of all telling your partner that, hey, you listen to this podcast that you've been following following Monica's sexy September and you want to start talking about sex so they realize it's coming.
00:27:20.720 --> 00:27:27.519
And then two, the initial month or two is just about talking about things in the positive.
00:27:27.759 --> 00:27:30.079
Wow, I love when you do X.
00:27:30.160 --> 00:27:32.880
And like, you know, you don't really get compliments from somebody.
00:27:33.039 --> 00:27:38.000
You ever got a compliment and it's like, you know, or or even a thank you, and it's like, oh, thanks for everything.
00:27:38.240 --> 00:27:46.880
You know, thanks for everything is a very different way of expressing gratitude than like, wow, thanks for showing up and putting all that energy into that delicious dish.
00:27:47.039 --> 00:27:52.000
Like I've never tasted, you know, broccoli or whatever it is, like seasoned in that way.
00:27:52.079 --> 00:27:57.759
And like, and thank you so much for taking the time to come over and show up early and stay at stay late and clean.
00:27:57.839 --> 00:27:59.200
Like, just thank you, right?
00:27:59.359 --> 00:28:02.799
That's so much different than thank you for everything.
00:28:02.960 --> 00:28:06.880
So the same thing goes when we are talking to our partner about the things we like.
00:28:06.960 --> 00:28:20.160
You know, like we can say, I love the way you kissed me last night, or we can say, I love the way you dip my head back, the way you moved into towards my mouth super slowly, the way that you said I love you just before you kissed me.
00:28:20.400 --> 00:28:23.039
It sent chills down thinking about it all night.
00:28:23.200 --> 00:28:26.880
It just really, really touched the depths of my heart, right?
00:28:27.039 --> 00:28:28.480
Very, very, very different.
00:28:28.720 --> 00:28:38.160
And so if we start by just saying what we love, and if you haven't had sex in a while, you can start by the way they hug, by the way they hold your hand, by the way they kissed you, right?
00:28:38.240 --> 00:28:40.799
But just start to have these conversations about what you love.
00:28:40.880 --> 00:28:43.119
And then two things tend to happen with this.
00:28:43.279 --> 00:28:52.160
One is that oftentimes when we start focusing on the things that we love, if there's things that we don't like as much, they sometimes just fall away.
00:28:52.240 --> 00:28:57.759
Because what tends to happen when we talk about what we love, our partner hears that and is like, oh, I'm gonna do more of that, I'm gonna do more of that.
00:28:57.839 --> 00:28:59.759
They said I'm good at this, I'm gonna do more of that.
00:28:59.839 --> 00:29:04.480
And the space fills up with the more of those things and the thin other things sometimes drop away.
00:29:04.720 --> 00:29:07.359
Sometimes we still have to bring them up later down the road.
00:29:07.519 --> 00:29:08.720
But that's one thing that happens.
00:29:08.799 --> 00:29:18.240
And the second thing that's super wonderful that happens is it allows people to start associating, talking about sex as being safe and being rewarding.
00:29:18.400 --> 00:29:29.920
And we want there to be such this foundation of like, wow, every time we talk about sex, I walk away feeling like I'm a really good lover, feeling like I'm I'm really providing so much for my partner.
00:29:30.240 --> 00:29:34.240
I walk away feeling like I'm really doing it right, you know, all these things.
00:29:34.400 --> 00:29:49.759
And so that when we then, every once in a while and very cautiously and also in a very specific way, start to bring up things that we want to change, it's really with this extremely strong foundation of like, okay, well, I've already heard 20 reasons why I'm awesome.
00:29:49.920 --> 00:30:00.559
So if there's one little thing I have to change, it doesn't come and kind of hit my ego in the core of who I am and make me think things that are not true, like I'm a bad lover or those kind of things.
00:30:00.799 --> 00:30:03.119
So that's why we really want to focus on that.
00:30:03.200 --> 00:30:05.440
And, you know, and again, it's like this is broad advice.
00:30:05.599 --> 00:30:09.920
Always talk to your, you know, your therapist and those kind of things because I don't know your situation.
00:30:10.160 --> 00:30:13.039
But this is what I see work for people much of the time.
00:30:13.200 --> 00:30:13.759
I love that.
00:30:13.920 --> 00:30:14.160
Okay.
00:30:14.319 --> 00:30:15.279
Thank you so much, Dr.
00:30:15.440 --> 00:30:18.079
Diane, because here's what I here was my takeaway from that.
00:30:18.240 --> 00:30:22.480
Number one, have the courage to just bring it up and prioritize it.
00:30:22.640 --> 00:30:34.079
Say, like, I've been thinking about this, I realize we probably haven't been focused, focusing on it enough or prioritizing it, or just like having the the energy or courage to talk about it.
00:30:34.160 --> 00:30:35.839
And so I'd love to start talking about it.
00:30:35.920 --> 00:30:38.880
So that's step one is just kind of bring that up to your partner.
00:30:39.039 --> 00:30:41.759
And step two is start with gratitude, right?
00:30:41.839 --> 00:30:44.160
Like I think literally in any area of your life.
00:30:44.240 --> 00:30:52.319
But if you can start building on the foundation of what is good about what you're doing, like what you do love about your partner, even if it doesn't feel sexual.
00:30:52.480 --> 00:30:57.519
Like I love when you come home from work and immediately jump in, play with the kids, whatever.
00:30:57.680 --> 00:31:03.680
If you can start with a foundation of what's working well and build on that, I think you're right.
00:31:03.839 --> 00:31:06.880
I think those conversations are really, really gonna go well.
00:31:07.039 --> 00:31:11.839
So I just want to thank you so much for taking your time, sharing your expertise with us.
00:31:12.079 --> 00:31:15.279
Any last bits of advice or things you want to leave us with?
00:31:15.440 --> 00:31:18.319
Well, I have lots of ways I can support you guys.
00:31:18.400 --> 00:31:24.000
So if anybody wants to go over to havehotsex.com, you I have so many free guides.
00:31:24.160 --> 00:31:32.960
I have, for example, my yes, no, maybe checklist, which is a way of sitting down with your partner and thinking about oh, different ways of bringing novelty into the relationship.
00:31:33.119 --> 00:31:38.000
And I go through emotional things as well as physical, sexual, et cetera, but it's not all sexual.
00:31:38.079 --> 00:31:41.599
So the idea is just creating more novelty and newness in your life.
00:31:41.680 --> 00:31:42.799
So I have that on there.
00:31:42.880 --> 00:31:47.519
You'll find my books on there, you'll find tons of discounts to products like the one I mentioned today.
00:31:47.680 --> 00:31:50.319
So it's a great way of getting started with things.
00:31:50.480 --> 00:31:58.319
And, you know, and beyond that, I think the biggest thing is really like like start with start with your why, meaning why is this important to me?
00:31:58.400 --> 00:32:01.440
Because these conversations can get hard sometimes.
00:32:01.599 --> 00:32:10.799
There's ways that we protect against it, like we're talking about this, but if we start with our why, and let's say our why is like, well, I really, really want to be more connected to my partner.
00:32:10.960 --> 00:32:22.400
And so I'm willing to go through some learning curve and maybe making mistakes along the way because we're human, because in the end, I'm really looking forward to finding ways of being more connected with my partner.
00:32:22.480 --> 00:32:26.240
And so if we start with that, like, what is your reason for studying this material?
00:32:26.400 --> 00:32:28.559
What is your partner's reason for studying this material?
00:32:28.640 --> 00:32:35.839
If we start with that, oftentimes if we if it gets hard, we can come back to say, oh yeah, this is why we're doing this and this is worth it.
00:32:36.000 --> 00:32:46.240
And then go slow, be gentle, you know, kindness, gratitude, and forgiveness for yourself and your partner because these are new skills and none of us get it, you know, totally right.
00:32:46.319 --> 00:32:47.119
I mean, really ever.
00:32:47.200 --> 00:32:51.119
Nobody gets it right 100% of the time, but especially not when we're learning a new skill.
00:32:51.519 --> 00:32:51.920
I love it.
00:32:52.000 --> 00:32:52.720
We're so aligned.
00:32:52.880 --> 00:32:55.599
Say the website one more time, havehotsex.com.
00:32:55.839 --> 00:32:56.319
You got it.
00:32:56.480 --> 00:32:57.039
I love it.
00:32:57.200 --> 00:32:58.559
We'll link that in the show notes for you.
00:32:59.039 --> 00:32:59.519
Thank you, Dr.
00:32:59.680 --> 00:33:01.039
Diane, for coming today.
00:33:01.279 --> 00:33:02.000
Thank you, Monica.
00:33:02.079 --> 00:33:03.279
Thanks, everybody.
00:33:03.599 --> 00:33:05.039
Before you go, remember this.
00:33:05.279 --> 00:33:07.839
Happily ever after doesn't happen by accident.
00:33:07.920 --> 00:33:11.200
It's something you build one intentional choice at a time.
00:33:11.359 --> 00:33:16.000
If this conversation encouraged you, would you do me a favor and share it with someone you love?
00:33:16.160 --> 00:33:19.920
Your spouse, a friend, or another couple who could use a little hope today.
00:33:20.160 --> 00:33:24.720
Thanks for being here, and until next time, keep building your happily ever after.
00:33:26.640 --> 00:33:30.880
This podcast is produced, mixed, and edited by Cardinal Studio.
00:33:31.039 --> 00:33:40.799
For more information about how to start your own podcast, please visit www.cardinalstudio.co or email Mike at Mike at Cardinal Studio.co.
00:33:40.960 --> 00:33:43.759
You can also find the details in the show notes.