E379 From Sexual Entitlement To Shared Sexual Responsibility

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Your spouse does not owe you sex.
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Full stop.
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Being married to someone does not give you unlimited access to their body.
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Consent still matters in marriage.
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Autonomy still matters in marriage.
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And nobody should ever feel pressured, manipulated, guilted, threatened, pouted at, or coerced into having sex, they do not want to have.
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I believe that wholeheartedly.
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And I think sometimes we stop the conversation there because there's another question that gets a little bit uncomfortable.
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If we've chosen to be in a monogamous relationship where we've agreed that this is the one sexual relationship we're going to have, do we have a responsibility to care for it?
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I think we do.
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And that's what I want to talk about today.
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Because there's a huge difference between believing my spouse owes me sex and believing we both have a responsibility to care about our shared sexual relationship.
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These are not the same thing.
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And if we can't hold both of those truths at the same time, I think we end up hurting both sides of this conversation.
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So let's dive into it.
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Welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast.
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I'm your host, Monica Tanner.
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And if you love your spouse, but you keep finding yourselves having the same arguments, feeling more like roommates than lovers, or wondering why marriage feels harder than you expect it, then you're in the right place.
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Every week we'll challenge bad marriage advice, unpack what's really happening beneath the surface, and give you practical tools to build a marriage where you feel like intimate best friends, passionate partners, and an unstoppable team.
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Because happily ever after isn't something you find, it's something you build.
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Let's get started.
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Welcome back to Sexy September.
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We are officially in week two.
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Last week, we talked about how your sex life probably needs more play and less pressure.
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And I loved starting there because I want the foundation for this entire month to be curiosity, not obligation and not performance.
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Not how much sex should we be having.
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I want couples asking what kind of sexual relationship would feel really good for both of us.
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Because I don't think enough couples have ever actually asked themselves that question.
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They've inherited expectations.
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They've compared themselves to other couples.
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They've read the statistics and they've brought beliefs from their families, their religion, their past relationships, movies, social media, pornography, the culture at large.
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And then somehow all of that gets dumped into bed with them.
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And that's a lot of people in your bedroom.
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So I want to strip all of that down for a minute.
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No pun intended.
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There are two people in this relationship.
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And I want you to be asking, what do the two of us want to create together?
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And that's where we're going to start today's conversation.
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Because if you're going to create it together, both people have to matter, and both people have to participate in the conversation.
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Oftentimes, I see good couples get pulled towards two extremes around sex.
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On one side is entitlement.
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It's the idea that we're married, therefore you should have sex with me.
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Maybe it's not said quite that bluntly.
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It might sound like it's been a week, or a wife is supposed to dot dot dot.
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A husband should dot dot dot.
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Or if you really loved me, dot dot dot.
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Or maybe nothing is said at all.
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Maybe there's just coldness after a no.
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Or maybe there's withdrawal or sulking or a big dramatic sigh that says, this is never going to work.
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If saying no to sex means now I have to manage your emotional reaction for the rest of the night, that's pressure.
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And that does not create any kind of desire.
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It creates obligation.
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And obligation might get you a little bit of what you want, but compliance is not what I want for your sexual relationship.
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I want enthusiasm and connection.
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I want two people who feel free enough to actually want each other.
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So that's the one extreme obligation.
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But I think there's another extreme that we don't talk about nearly enough.
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And that's the idea that because nobody owes anybody sex, you don't have the responsibility to care about your sexual relationship at all.
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And I don't think that's true either.
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Because imagine applying that logic to any other important part of your marriage.
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Imagine saying something like, I don't owe you a conversation.
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Technically, you don't.
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You can't force me to talk to you.
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But if I refuse to engage emotionally with you for three years, we probably shouldn't pretend that that's irrelevant to the health of our marriage.
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Imagine a partner who doesn't feel like they owe you any type of affection.
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Remember, you don't have the right to force affection out of anyone.
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But if I never touch you, hug you, kiss you, show you any type of warmth, and then I tell you that you're wrong by being hurt by that, we're gonna have a problem.
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Marriage is full of things that can't ethically be demanded, but they still deeply matter.
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Emotional connection through talking, affection, and sex is definitely one of them.
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So this is the distinction I really want you to hear in this episode.
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Sexual entitlement sounds like because we're married, you owe me access to your body through sex.
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No, absolutely not.
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But sexual responsibility sounds like because we've chosen to build a life together, that includes a mutually exclusive sexual relationship.
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The health of that relationship matters to me.
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That is completely different.
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Responsibility does not mean having sex when you don't want to, it means caring about why you don't want to.
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It means being willing to talk about it, it means being curious about what creates desire for you and what shuts it down.
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It means caring when your partner feels lonely or rejected without making their feelings an accusation against you.
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And this goes both ways.
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If you're the higher desire partner, responsibility might mean becoming curious about whether the way that you're initiating creates pressure for your partner.
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It might mean learning that your spouse experiences desire differently than you do.
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It might mean creating connection without constantly trying to turn every affectionate moment into sex.
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Because if every back rub comes with an invoice, eventually your spouse is going to stop accepting back rubs.
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Sexual responsibility belongs to both partners.
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That's what makes it collaborative instead of coercive.
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I want you to remember that the problem is not always low desire.
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This is something I really, really, really want you to understand.
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When one partner doesn't seem interested in sex, it's very easy to label that person the lower desire partner.
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And sometimes that description is helpful, but I don't want it to become that person's identity because desire is affected by so many things.
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There's exhaustion and resentment.
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Sometimes it means sex has become too predictable.
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Sometimes there has been pain or discomfort.
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Sometimes someone feels disconnected from their body or from their partner.
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And sometimes they don't feel emotionally safe.
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Sometimes they're carrying a million mental tabs and they can't figure out how to transition between managing everybody's life and feeling playful and erotic.
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And sometimes the sex they're being offered just isn't very appealing to them.
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That last one can be very uncomfortable to admit, but it is important because if somebody repeatedly doesn't want the experience we're creating together, I don't want your first question to be, how do I get them to want it more?
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I have a friend who says, I can't make you like melted ice cream.
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I want your first question to be, what is the experience of sex that they're currently having?
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Because that's a very different question.
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And it takes us right back to what we talked about last week.
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It's all about curiosity and experimentation.
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We have to reframe no.
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I want you to start thinking about rejection a little differently now because sexual rejection can hurt.
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I'm not gonna pretend like it doesn't.
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When you reach for the person you love and they don't want you in that moment, it can tap into all kinds of tender places.
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Am I attractive?
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Do you still want me?
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Is something wrong with me or us?
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Those feelings are very real.
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But if every no immediately becomes a crisis, then your spouse loses the freedom to give you an honest answer.
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And if no isn't on the table, then yes isn't really either.
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And ironically, that makes desire so much harder.
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What if sometimes a no is just simply information?
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Maybe it means not right now.
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Maybe it means I'm exhausted from the day.
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Maybe it means I want to be close to you, but I don't want sex.
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Maybe it means I need more of a runway, more foreplay, more time.
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Maybe it means the way we're doing this just isn't working for me right now.
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The last one is worth paying attention to because instead of turning rejection into want me, we can just get curious about it instead.
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I want you to ask, what would make this experience more desirable for you?
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Now we have a place to go.
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Now I want to speak to the other side for a minute.
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Because if you're listening to this and you're thinking, okay, but Monica, I really don't want sex very often.
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I'm not gonna tell you to override your body.
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I'm not going to tell you to grit your teeth and just do it for the sake of your marriage.
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Because I don't think duty sex is the answer either.
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But I am going to lovingly challenge you to not stop at, I just don't want it.
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What I want you to do is get curious about yourself.
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What would make intimacy more appealing to you?
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When do you feel the most connected to your spouse?
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And what helps you transition out of work mode, parent mode, problem-solving mode, caregiving mode, and into the part of yourself that can actually experience any kind of pleasure.
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Maybe you don't know right away, and that's okay.
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But I don't know can be the beginning of curiosity instead of the end of the conversation.
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That's really, really important.
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Because you could say to your spouse, I don't totally understand my desire right now, but I care about this part of our relationship and I want to figure it out with you.
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Do you hear how different that sounds from this is just the way I am?
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You have to deal with it.
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The first one creates partnership and the other one creates a wall and distance between you.
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You don't have to promise a particular amount of sex.
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You don't have to manufacture desire from nowhere, but you can communicate this matters to me because we matter to me.
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That's what sexual responsibility looks and sounds like.
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And if you're the one who wants sex more, your job is not to convince your spouse that your desired frequency is the right one.
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Your job is not to collect evidence that you're being deprived of something you need.
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I hear this all the time.
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And your job is definitely not to make every hug feel like a negotiation.
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You need curiosity too.
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Maybe instead of asking, why don't you want sex anymore?
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You could try asking what makes sex feel really good and connecting to you.
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Or is there anything about the way I initiate that creates pressure for you?
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The second question requires courage because they may tell you something that you don't want to hear.
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But in this instance, I want you to remember everything we've been talking about, Eva: empathy, vulnerability, and accountability.
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Those skills will be very helpful to you when discussing and collaborating about your sex life.
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This is where relational work becomes incredibly relevant to your sex life.
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Can I hear your experience without immediately defending mine?
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That's empathy.
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Can I tell you the softer thing underneath my frustration?
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That's vulnerability.
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And instead of you never want me, you can say, I miss feeling desired by you.
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That's vulnerable.
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And vulnerability gives your partner something they can actually move towards.
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The accountability part comes in when we recognize that sex is a system and not an individual problem.
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Because here's where I think couples get the most stuck.
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They decide that one person is the reason for the sexual problems.
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One person wants too much, the other person doesn't want it enough.
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One person is initiating incorrectly, and the other one rejects too much.
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And now we're trying to fix one person or the and I do not want you to do that.
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What I want you to do is look at the system that you're creating together.
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Maybe one person pursues because they're desperate for connection, and sex is how they feel connected.
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The other person feels pressure and so they withdraw.
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The withdrawal makes the first person feel even more rejected.
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So they pursue even harder.
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And now the other person feels more pressure.
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So they withdraw even harder.
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And pretty soon both people are really hurting.
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One is saying, Why don't you want me?
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And the other is saying, Why can't you just love me without wanting anything from me?
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Neither person is necessarily the bad guy in this situation.
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They're just caught in a pattern.
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And once we can see that pattern, we can start changing it together.
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That's the work.
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That's why I'm not a huge fan of solving desire discrepancies with a simple compromise.
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Okay, you want it four times a week, I want it zero times a week, two times a week it is.
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That way everyone loses equally.
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That's also not very romantic.
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What I want is a collaborative effort from both of you.
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I want you asking how we can create a sexual relationship where both of us feel considered, valued, appreciated, and wanted.
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Maybe that includes expanding the sexual menu and what counts as sex.
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Maybe it means creating more anticipation by flirting throughout the day.
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Maybe it means understanding responsive desire better.
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We're going to talk about that next week.
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And maybe it means the higher desire partner gets better at creating connection without any expectation.
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Maybe the lower desire partner gets more intentional about noticing and nurturing conditions where their desire can come out more.
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The exact answer to all of these questions is going to look different for every single couple.
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That's why we can't give you a magic number of what's normal or what's right.
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But I can tell you that the posture I want you to be in is that you're on the same team.
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Your desire is not the enemy.
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My lack of desire is not the enemy.
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The disconnect between us is the problem we're going to get curious about and work to solve together.
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And this is exactly why I have been talking about the hotter together challenge during these first couple of weeks of sexy September.
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Because sometimes your sexual relationship isn't going to improve by just talking about it more.
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While that's really important, sometimes you need to change the atmosphere around it.
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By that I mean you need to flirt more, you need to notice each other more.
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You need to have more fun together and more affection that doesn't automatically lead to sex.
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You need more moments where you remember, oh, I really like this person.
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That's what the Hotter Together 14-day couples challenge is designed to help you do.
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It's 14 days of simple, practical ways to intentionally turn towards each other and bring more connection, playfulness, and passion back into your relationship.
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And I especially love it for couples who've gotten a little too efficient.
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By that I mean you're doing life together, you're getting everything done, coordinating your schedules, you're handling the kids and your work responsibilities.
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But somewhere in there, you stopped being very playful with each other.
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And here's what I want you to know: you do not have to wait until your relationship feels better before you start acting like lovers.
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Sometimes you start with the action and the feelings follow.
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So if you haven't joined us yet, you can find the 14-day Hotter Together Couples Challenge at uw.monicatanner.com slash hotter.
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This is my last big nudge about it during sexy September because next week I've got something else really exciting to tell you about.
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But if you've been thinking, we actually do need to do something about, I want you to do it because insight is cute.
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You can listen to these podcasts, but action is drop dead sexy.
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Okay, so here's your mission this week.
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Should you choose to accept it, I want you to have one conversation with your spouse, not in bed, not right after someone has initiated and gotten a no, and not when you're already frustrated about your sexual relationship.
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Choose a neutral moment.
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And then I want you to ask each other what would help our sexual relationship feel better for you right now.
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Then I want you to listen.
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I want you to really, really listen.
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Don't correct their answer.
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Don't tell them why they're wrong.
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Don't immediately tell them what you need.
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You will get a turn.
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For a few minutes, I just want you to become a student of your spouse.
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Then you can switch.
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Let them ask you the same question.
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And that's it.
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You don't have to solve your entire sex life with one conversation.
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I just want you opening the door because remember what we talked about last week?
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The goal is not to become really good at sex just yet.
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The goal right now is to become really good at learning about each other.
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And next week, we're gonna take this conversation somewhere that I think a lot of couples need.
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Next week on the podcast, we're gonna be talking about what happens when one person wants sex way more than the other because desire discrepancy is incredibly common.
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In fact, most of the questions I get have to do with this.
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But when couples don't understand what's happening, it can become incredibly personal.
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One person starts to feel rejected while the other person feels so pressured.
00:21:20.400 --> 00:21:23.440
And pretty soon you're not even fighting about sex anymore.
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You're fighting about what sex supposedly says about your relationship.
00:21:28.319 --> 00:21:31.759
And I want to untang all of that next week.
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And I'm also going to introduce you to something I'm really excited about that's going to give you access to a whole collection of resources for creating more intimacy in your relationship.
00:21:46.720 --> 00:21:54.079
So if sexy September has already gotten some conversations started at your house, just wait.
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We're just getting to the really good stuff.
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So I will see you same time, same place next week.
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And until then, happy marriaging.
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Before you go, remember this happily ever after doesn't happen by accident.
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It's something you build one intentional choice at a time.
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If this conversation encouraged you, would you do me a favor and share it with someone you love?
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Your spouse, a friend, or another couple who could use a little hope today.
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Thanks for being here, and until next time, keep building your happily ever after.
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This podcast is produced, mixed, and edited by Cardinal Studio.
00:22:32.720 --> 00:22:42.480
For more information about how to start your own podcast, please visit www.cardinalstudio.co or email Mike at Mike at Cardinal Studio.co.
00:22:42.640 --> 00:22:45.359
You can also find the details in the show notes.