WEBVTT
00:00:11.199 --> 00:00:14.960
Hey, welcome back to another Reaching Minds podcast.
00:00:15.279 --> 00:00:23.440
I'm your host, Brianna Williams, LAPC, and I appreciate you for joining yet another conversation as we continue the series.
00:00:23.679 --> 00:00:25.440
Healing isn't cute.
00:00:25.600 --> 00:00:28.719
Listen, we've been talking about some banger topics, man.
00:00:28.800 --> 00:00:33.439
We've been going deep and diving into some um money topics, man.
00:00:33.520 --> 00:00:36.320
So I hope you guys have been able to do your homework.
00:00:36.399 --> 00:00:43.119
I hope you guys have been journaling, reflecting, thinking, talking, all the all the above, right?
00:00:43.359 --> 00:00:50.880
But um, we're gonna go into another topic today, um about forgiveness, right?
00:00:51.200 --> 00:00:56.799
And that's one thing that I learned in my journey of healing is that we need to forgive, right?
00:00:57.039 --> 00:01:01.679
Um, I'm a firm believer that you can't heal until you forgive.
00:01:01.840 --> 00:01:05.200
And so today we're diving into that conversation.
00:01:05.840 --> 00:01:12.719
Um, because at some point in our lives, right, we've all been told to forgive, we've all been told let it go, right?
00:01:12.959 --> 00:01:15.760
Take the high road, be the bigger person.
00:01:16.480 --> 00:01:25.439
And oftentimes we think forgiveness equates to reconciliation, but what happens when it doesn't?
00:01:25.920 --> 00:01:31.519
What if I told you that forgiveness doesn't mean access?
00:01:32.239 --> 00:01:34.319
Let's dive into the conversation.
00:01:36.400 --> 00:01:42.079
You know, I love my definitions, I love, you know, to look up things.
00:01:42.159 --> 00:02:01.599
And I went to my handy dandy webster and I looked up forgiveness, and it says this, it says that forgiveness is the conscious and voluntary decision to release feelings of resentment, bitterness, and the desire for vengeance towards someone who wronged you.
00:02:02.959 --> 00:02:06.719
So forgiveness is just not right the wrong and forget, right?
00:02:06.799 --> 00:02:23.280
That doesn't say that, but it is a choice to say I'm not going to hold on to the negative emotions, and I'm no longer responsible, responsible for carrying this emotional burden, right?
00:02:23.520 --> 00:02:38.159
So I looked up reconciliation, and this is the definition of that is it's the process of restoring friendly relations, making two conflicting ideas or accounts agree.
00:02:38.719 --> 00:02:50.240
The process of making two people, groups, or things harmonious or compatible again after a conflict.
00:02:50.639 --> 00:03:01.039
So a lot of times we treat forgiveness and reconciliation the same when, in reality, they're completely different, right?
00:03:01.120 --> 00:03:10.560
As you see, forgiveness is about healing, while reconciliation is about rebuilding, two different things.
00:03:11.520 --> 00:03:32.879
But I found out that reconciliation needs forgiveness, but forgiveness doesn't necessarily need reconciliation because the difference about them is that reconciliation requires the participation of both parties while forgiveness it only needs the decision of one.
00:03:35.759 --> 00:03:38.960
So what does that even look like?
00:03:39.199 --> 00:03:51.360
You can forgive someone who isn't sorry, but you can't rebuild a healthy relationship with someone who refuses to acknowledge what happened, right?
00:03:51.759 --> 00:04:04.159
You can forgive someone who hasn't changed, but that doesn't mean you have to put yourself in a position to be hurt by the same behavior again.
00:04:06.560 --> 00:04:09.520
So I want you to reflect on these questions.
00:04:10.479 --> 00:04:12.000
Ask yourself this.
00:04:14.080 --> 00:04:17.600
Has this person taken accountability?
00:04:19.360 --> 00:04:21.839
Have they acknowledged what they did?
00:04:24.000 --> 00:04:26.240
Have they changed their behavior?
00:04:27.680 --> 00:04:30.160
Do they respect your boundaries?
00:04:31.439 --> 00:04:35.360
Do you actually feel emotionally safe around them?
00:04:36.959 --> 00:04:46.399
These are important questions to ask yourself when you're thinking about the step of reconciliation.
00:04:50.720 --> 00:04:58.720
Because saying I'm sorry and demonstrating change are two different things.
00:05:01.759 --> 00:05:06.079
So here's part of the conversation we don't like.
00:05:08.720 --> 00:05:10.480
Take a deep breath, y'all.
00:05:12.639 --> 00:05:15.040
Forgiveness doesn't mean access.
00:05:17.439 --> 00:05:23.600
And often it may cause you to set boundaries.
00:05:27.920 --> 00:05:30.639
Listen, these two statements can be true.
00:05:31.360 --> 00:05:35.360
I don't hate you, but I want a relationship with you.
00:05:36.399 --> 00:05:37.360
True.
00:05:38.000 --> 00:05:40.639
I forgive you, but I don't trust you.
00:05:41.600 --> 00:05:42.399
True.
00:05:43.120 --> 00:05:46.720
I wish you well, but I don't want you in my life.
00:05:47.199 --> 00:05:48.160
True.
00:05:49.199 --> 00:05:49.839
Right?
00:05:50.319 --> 00:05:55.360
And now, here's the part that trips us up about forgiveness.
00:05:55.920 --> 00:06:00.079
Is that what if they never say sorry?
00:06:02.800 --> 00:06:03.920
I've been there.
00:06:04.399 --> 00:06:08.399
What if they're just telling everyone I'm the problem, I'm the one that did it?
00:06:10.000 --> 00:06:14.639
What if I never get the closure in the way that I thought I needed?
00:06:16.399 --> 00:06:18.560
And y'all, this is healing, right?
00:06:18.800 --> 00:06:23.199
It's uncomfortable, it's messy, it's unpredictable.
00:06:24.399 --> 00:06:27.439
It's it can get real.
00:06:28.480 --> 00:06:36.240
But what if I told you within that mess, you don't need to depend on the one who hurt you to get closure.
00:06:37.360 --> 00:06:46.399
That doesn't mean your experience is forgotten or dismissed because they don't acknowledge or you know give you that sorry, right?
00:06:47.279 --> 00:06:50.560
But you give yourself permission to move forward.
00:06:50.879 --> 00:07:00.800
You give yourself permission to let go, address, and process your experience, even if they don't say sorry.
00:07:03.279 --> 00:07:04.720
You may hear me?
00:07:05.519 --> 00:07:07.360
Like, okay, I get that.
00:07:07.759 --> 00:07:19.519
I can do that, I can I can forgive that person, I I can forgive that experience, but what if I can't forgive myself?
00:07:22.639 --> 00:07:28.639
And sometimes that is the hardest person to forgive, right?
00:07:28.879 --> 00:07:33.680
Because we start thinking about what we should have done, right?
00:07:33.759 --> 00:07:38.560
We start questioning why we even operated the way that we did, right?
00:07:38.639 --> 00:07:41.680
We never thought that we would fall for some of those things.
00:07:41.839 --> 00:07:46.480
We never thought that you know we would make some of the choices that we've made, right?
00:07:46.959 --> 00:07:54.240
And we asked ourselves even like, why couldn't I have been the version of myself that I needed at the time?
00:07:56.319 --> 00:07:58.079
But I want you to hear this.
00:07:59.519 --> 00:08:13.120
I want you to hear that you made the best decisions you could with the awareness, resources, and capacity you had at the time.
00:08:15.759 --> 00:08:17.279
Let that sink in.
00:08:20.160 --> 00:08:21.600
Let that sink in.
00:08:24.720 --> 00:08:27.360
At the time you was just doing the best that you could.
00:08:27.439 --> 00:08:31.600
At the time, you were just going with what you knew.
00:08:31.839 --> 00:08:34.080
You were going with what you felt.
00:08:38.240 --> 00:08:42.000
And now you know more.
00:08:43.360 --> 00:08:45.200
That's the plus side.
00:08:46.720 --> 00:08:48.559
Is that now you know more?
00:08:49.360 --> 00:08:57.039
And so don't let your mistakes tell you that you don't deserve peace.
00:08:59.120 --> 00:09:04.159
Or don't let your mistakes not give you permission to move forward.
00:09:07.360 --> 00:09:07.919
Right?
00:09:08.159 --> 00:09:11.919
This is all a choice.
00:09:14.080 --> 00:09:16.159
That is what forgiveness is.
00:09:17.120 --> 00:09:22.960
It's a conscious choice to choose you, a conscious choice to say, you know what?
00:09:23.600 --> 00:09:25.759
I'ma overcome this thing.
00:09:26.159 --> 00:09:30.879
I'm gonna move forward, I'ma grow, I'ma heal.
00:09:33.120 --> 00:09:34.879
So, real quick, homework.
00:09:36.480 --> 00:09:39.039
I want you to reflect on this.
00:09:41.440 --> 00:09:54.960
Zet who am I allowing access in my life that is unwilling to build a healthy relationship?
00:09:58.799 --> 00:10:06.000
Because again, forgiveness doesn't require reconciliation.
00:10:09.440 --> 00:10:16.639
Forgiveness is a decision that one makes.
00:10:16.879 --> 00:10:27.360
While reconciliation is action that both parties make and agree to.
00:10:29.919 --> 00:10:36.879
So, thank you guys for another Reach and Minds conversation.
00:10:37.120 --> 00:10:45.759
Listen, I want you to stay connected, follow us on IG at Reach Your Minds, um, and make sure you sign up for our email list.
00:10:45.919 --> 00:10:48.799
The link is in the bio of our IG page.
00:10:49.039 --> 00:10:58.000
There you'll be able to get information, you know, keep up with us, more journal prompts, more reflections, and all the things.
00:10:58.240 --> 00:11:03.360
And listen, Reach Your Mind exists to make mental health conversations more accessible.
00:11:03.679 --> 00:11:13.120
So if our podcast has helped you, educated you, made you feel less alone, you can help us continue creating these conversations by supporting the show.
00:11:13.279 --> 00:11:15.600
So click the link in the show notes.
00:11:15.759 --> 00:11:18.399
Um, and thanks in advance for your support.
00:11:18.720 --> 00:11:21.840
Until next time, see y'all next week.
00:00:11.199 --> 00:00:14.960
Hey, welcome back to another Reaching Minds podcast.
00:00:15.279 --> 00:00:23.440
I'm your host, Brianna Williams, LAPC, and I appreciate you for joining yet another conversation as we continue the series.
00:00:23.679 --> 00:00:25.440
Healing isn't cute.
00:00:25.600 --> 00:00:28.719
Listen, we've been talking about some banger topics, man.
00:00:28.800 --> 00:00:33.439
We've been going deep and diving into some um money topics, man.
00:00:33.520 --> 00:00:36.320
So I hope you guys have been able to do your homework.
00:00:36.399 --> 00:00:43.119
I hope you guys have been journaling, reflecting, thinking, talking, all the all the above, right?
00:00:43.359 --> 00:00:50.880
But um, we're gonna go into another topic today, um about forgiveness, right?
00:00:51.200 --> 00:00:56.799
And that's one thing that I learned in my journey of healing is that we need to forgive, right?
00:00:57.039 --> 00:01:01.679
Um, I'm a firm believer that you can't heal until you forgive.
00:01:01.840 --> 00:01:05.200
And so today we're diving into that conversation.
00:01:05.840 --> 00:01:12.719
Um, because at some point in our lives, right, we've all been told to forgive, we've all been told let it go, right?
00:01:12.959 --> 00:01:15.760
Take the high road, be the bigger person.
00:01:16.480 --> 00:01:25.439
And oftentimes we think forgiveness equates to reconciliation, but what happens when it doesn't?
00:01:25.920 --> 00:01:31.519
What if I told you that forgiveness doesn't mean access?
00:01:32.239 --> 00:01:34.319
Let's dive into the conversation.
00:01:36.400 --> 00:01:42.079
You know, I love my definitions, I love, you know, to look up things.
00:01:42.159 --> 00:02:01.599
And I went to my handy dandy webster and I looked up forgiveness, and it says this, it says that forgiveness is the conscious and voluntary decision to release feelings of resentment, bitterness, and the desire for vengeance towards someone who wronged you.
00:02:02.959 --> 00:02:06.719
So forgiveness is just not right the wrong and forget, right?
00:02:06.799 --> 00:02:23.280
That doesn't say that, but it is a choice to say I'm not going to hold on to the negative emotions, and I'm no longer responsible, responsible for carrying this emotional burden, right?
00:02:23.520 --> 00:02:38.159
So I looked up reconciliation, and this is the definition of that is it's the process of restoring friendly relations, making two conflicting ideas or accounts agree.
00:02:38.719 --> 00:02:50.240
The process of making two people, groups, or things harmonious or compatible again after a conflict.
00:02:50.639 --> 00:03:01.039
So a lot of times we treat forgiveness and reconciliation the same when, in reality, they're completely different, right?
00:03:01.120 --> 00:03:10.560
As you see, forgiveness is about healing, while reconciliation is about rebuilding, two different things.
00:03:11.520 --> 00:03:32.879
But I found out that reconciliation needs forgiveness, but forgiveness doesn't necessarily need reconciliation because the difference about them is that reconciliation requires the participation of both parties while forgiveness it only needs the decision of one.
00:03:35.759 --> 00:03:38.960
So what does that even look like?
00:03:39.199 --> 00:03:51.360
You can forgive someone who isn't sorry, but you can't rebuild a healthy relationship with someone who refuses to acknowledge what happened, right?
00:03:51.759 --> 00:04:04.159
You can forgive someone who hasn't changed, but that doesn't mean you have to put yourself in a position to be hurt by the same behavior again.
00:04:06.560 --> 00:04:09.520
So I want you to reflect on these questions.
00:04:10.479 --> 00:04:12.000
Ask yourself this.
00:04:14.080 --> 00:04:17.600
Has this person taken accountability?
00:04:19.360 --> 00:04:21.839
Have they acknowledged what they did?
00:04:24.000 --> 00:04:26.240
Have they changed their behavior?
00:04:27.680 --> 00:04:30.160
Do they respect your boundaries?
00:04:31.439 --> 00:04:35.360
Do you actually feel emotionally safe around them?
00:04:36.959 --> 00:04:46.399
These are important questions to ask yourself when you're thinking about the step of reconciliation.
00:04:50.720 --> 00:04:58.720
Because saying I'm sorry and demonstrating change are two different things.
00:05:01.759 --> 00:05:06.079
So here's part of the conversation we don't like.
00:05:08.720 --> 00:05:10.480
Take a deep breath, y'all.
00:05:12.639 --> 00:05:15.040
Forgiveness doesn't mean access.
00:05:17.439 --> 00:05:23.600
And often it may cause you to set boundaries.
00:05:27.920 --> 00:05:30.639
Listen, these two statements can be true.
00:05:31.360 --> 00:05:35.360
I don't hate you, but I want a relationship with you.
00:05:36.399 --> 00:05:37.360
True.
00:05:38.000 --> 00:05:40.639
I forgive you, but I don't trust you.
00:05:41.600 --> 00:05:42.399
True.
00:05:43.120 --> 00:05:46.720
I wish you well, but I don't want you in my life.
00:05:47.199 --> 00:05:48.160
True.
00:05:49.199 --> 00:05:49.839
Right?
00:05:50.319 --> 00:05:55.360
And now, here's the part that trips us up about forgiveness.
00:05:55.920 --> 00:06:00.079
Is that what if they never say sorry?
00:06:02.800 --> 00:06:03.920
I've been there.
00:06:04.399 --> 00:06:08.399
What if they're just telling everyone I'm the problem, I'm the one that did it?
00:06:10.000 --> 00:06:14.639
What if I never get the closure in the way that I thought I needed?
00:06:16.399 --> 00:06:18.560
And y'all, this is healing, right?
00:06:18.800 --> 00:06:23.199
It's uncomfortable, it's messy, it's unpredictable.
00:06:24.399 --> 00:06:27.439
It's it can get real.
00:06:28.480 --> 00:06:36.240
But what if I told you within that mess, you don't need to depend on the one who hurt you to get closure.
00:06:37.360 --> 00:06:46.399
That doesn't mean your experience is forgotten or dismissed because they don't acknowledge or you know give you that sorry, right?
00:06:47.279 --> 00:06:50.560
But you give yourself permission to move forward.
00:06:50.879 --> 00:07:00.800
You give yourself permission to let go, address, and process your experience, even if they don't say sorry.
00:07:03.279 --> 00:07:04.720
You may hear me?
00:07:05.519 --> 00:07:07.360
Like, okay, I get that.
00:07:07.759 --> 00:07:19.519
I can do that, I can I can forgive that person, I I can forgive that experience, but what if I can't forgive myself?
00:07:22.639 --> 00:07:28.639
And sometimes that is the hardest person to forgive, right?
00:07:28.879 --> 00:07:33.680
Because we start thinking about what we should have done, right?
00:07:33.759 --> 00:07:38.560
We start questioning why we even operated the way that we did, right?
00:07:38.639 --> 00:07:41.680
We never thought that we would fall for some of those things.
00:07:41.839 --> 00:07:46.480
We never thought that you know we would make some of the choices that we've made, right?
00:07:46.959 --> 00:07:54.240
And we asked ourselves even like, why couldn't I have been the version of myself that I needed at the time?
00:07:56.319 --> 00:07:58.079
But I want you to hear this.
00:07:59.519 --> 00:08:13.120
I want you to hear that you made the best decisions you could with the awareness, resources, and capacity you had at the time.
00:08:15.759 --> 00:08:17.279
Let that sink in.
00:08:20.160 --> 00:08:21.600
Let that sink in.
00:08:24.720 --> 00:08:27.360
At the time you was just doing the best that you could.
00:08:27.439 --> 00:08:31.600
At the time, you were just going with what you knew.
00:08:31.839 --> 00:08:34.080
You were going with what you felt.
00:08:38.240 --> 00:08:42.000
And now you know more.
00:08:43.360 --> 00:08:45.200
That's the plus side.
00:08:46.720 --> 00:08:48.559
Is that now you know more?
00:08:49.360 --> 00:08:57.039
And so don't let your mistakes tell you that you don't deserve peace.
00:08:59.120 --> 00:09:04.159
Or don't let your mistakes not give you permission to move forward.
00:09:07.360 --> 00:09:07.919
Right?
00:09:08.159 --> 00:09:11.919
This is all a choice.
00:09:14.080 --> 00:09:16.159
That is what forgiveness is.
00:09:17.120 --> 00:09:22.960
It's a conscious choice to choose you, a conscious choice to say, you know what?
00:09:23.600 --> 00:09:25.759
I'ma overcome this thing.
00:09:26.159 --> 00:09:30.879
I'm gonna move forward, I'ma grow, I'ma heal.
00:09:33.120 --> 00:09:34.879
So, real quick, homework.
00:09:36.480 --> 00:09:39.039
I want you to reflect on this.
00:09:41.440 --> 00:09:54.960
Zet who am I allowing access in my life that is unwilling to build a healthy relationship?
00:09:58.799 --> 00:10:06.000
Because again, forgiveness doesn't require reconciliation.
00:10:09.440 --> 00:10:16.639
Forgiveness is a decision that one makes.
00:10:16.879 --> 00:10:27.360
While reconciliation is action that both parties make and agree to.
00:10:29.919 --> 00:10:36.879
So, thank you guys for another Reach and Minds conversation.
00:10:37.120 --> 00:10:45.759
Listen, I want you to stay connected, follow us on IG at Reach Your Minds, um, and make sure you sign up for our email list.
00:10:45.919 --> 00:10:48.799
The link is in the bio of our IG page.
00:10:49.039 --> 00:10:58.000
There you'll be able to get information, you know, keep up with us, more journal prompts, more reflections, and all the things.
00:10:58.240 --> 00:11:03.360
And listen, Reach Your Mind exists to make mental health conversations more accessible.
00:11:03.679 --> 00:11:13.120
So if our podcast has helped you, educated you, made you feel less alone, you can help us continue creating these conversations by supporting the show.
00:11:13.279 --> 00:11:15.600
So click the link in the show notes.
00:11:15.759 --> 00:11:18.399
Um, and thanks in advance for your support.
00:11:18.720 --> 00:11:21.840
Until next time, see y'all next week.
