Why Do I Keep Attracting Love Bombers and Narcissists?

Chantelle Lewis: Well, hello. So I received a request on Facebook of a topic that somebody wanted me to talk about. So today I'm actually gonna talk about why do I keep attracting love bombers and narcissists? So thanks for being here. So welcome back to Raw and Reconnected, where we unpack sex, relationships, life desire. And the nervous system chaos behind being a human. My name is Chantelle Lewis Lambert, and today we are diving into one of the most common questions I hear from clients, also from listeners and honestly, people sitting across from me having a coffee after a breakup. So the question is, why do I keep attracting narcissists? Or why do I like keep ending up with love bombers? And you know the story. You meet someone, the chemistry is electric. The connection feels undeniable and they tell you they've never met anyone like you. You feel chosen. They say can I be honest with you? I just I've never met anyone like you. You feel seen, you feel desired. And six months later you're staring at your phone, you're just sitting there wondering how someone who once worshipped the ground you walked on now acts like you're an inconvenience. So what happened? Are you a narcissist magnet? Do you have some invisible sign on your forehead that says emotionally unavailable people apply here? Not exactly, okay? But there may be a reason certain people feel familiar, attractive, and exciting to you. And that's what we're going to be talking about today. Okay. So first we need to understand what is a narcissist. We hear people using this word all the time, but do we actually know what it is? So let's clear it up. Social media has absolutely lost a stamina with this particular word. We see it all over the place. Apparently, everyone's ex is a narcissist. Your boss is a narcissist. Your mother-in-law is a narcissist. The guy who didn't text you back is a narcissist. The person at the grocery store was a narcissist. At this rate, half the planet has been diagnosed by TikTok. So yeah. But the truth is a little more nuanced, okay? So a narcissist isn't simply someone who's selfish, rude, arrogant, emotionally unavailable or bad at relationships. Okay. Clinically speaking, narcissism exits like exists on the spectrum. So healthy narcissism is actually normal. Okay. So it's confidence, self-worth, knowing you matter, be but at the extreme end is narcissistic personality disorder. A deeply ingrained pattern of grandiosity, entitlement, manipulation, lack of empathy, and an excessive need for admiration. The reality is that most people you meet aren't diagnosed narcissists. Many are emotionally immature. They may be avoidant poor communicators, which is becoming more and more and more common in today's world, this communication. Communication is a lost art in today's world, especially when it comes to relationships and just in general. The but many people are self-focused, they're unhealed, they're still capable of causing a lot of damage though, even though they're not necessarily narcissists. So what we're talking about today are people who consistently display narcissistic traits, people who struggle with accountability, people who turn every conflict into your fault. People who need constant validation and not because they're low self-esteem. People who manipulate reality to create what they want or manipulate other people and people who make you question your perceptions. And these are also people who can be incredibly charming when they want something and incredibly cold when they want to turn it off, when they don't, when they don't want you. things in the picture anymore and one of the most common ways this begins is through something called love bombing so we also need to look at why does love bombing feels so damn good so let's be honest love bombing feels amazing at first someone is texting you constantly you're on that phone someone is complimenting you thinking about you making plans talking about the future Wanting to spend every waking minute with you, you feel special, you feel wanted, you feel like you finally found someone who gets you, they understand you. And in a world where so many people feel lonely, unseen, and disconnected, that's a very powerful feeling. Your brain floods with dopamine, it floods with validation, excitement, novelty. And we know the brain loves novelty. And the nervous system with all that attention coming in and that dopamine hitting just lights up like a Christmas tree, okay? But the problem, the problem is that your brain often mistakes intensity for intimacy. They are not the same thing. I've said this before in one of my previous podcasts. Intimacy takes time. Trust takes time. Consistency takes time, but intensity can happen in a weekend. one week, one night, intensity can hit frickin' ten. So this is a relationship cycle and a lot of people don't like to talk about it because a lot of people are embarrassed that they get caught in this loop after the loop's complete. So many unhealthy relationships follow this predicta like predictable pattern. first comes the idealization. This is the love-bombing phase. So you're perfect. You're incredible. You're different from everyone else. You're my soulmate. And then comes devaluation. The compliments slow down. The criticism begins. You start feeling like you're walking on eggshells and the version of them that you fell for, well It seems to disappear into the background and suddenly you're working overtime to try and get it back. You're you're doing everything and you don't know why everything you're doing is not right. You can't figure it out. And then comes the discard. They become distance, they become cold, they become withdrawn. Maybe they leave. Maybe they threaten to leave. That tends to be a big one. And maybe they start investing their attention elsewhere. And just when you're finally beginning to heal after they've left, they come back with apologies, promises, declarations that they have changed. Guess what? This is often called hoovering. And here's the heartbreaking part. Most people aren't trying to get back into the relationship. They're trying to get back to the person they met at the beginning of the relationship. But the problem is that that version may never have existed. It it wasn't actually a thing. It was someone putting on a performance this entire time. So let's get into even a little bit more of an uncomfortable topic about this, and that's why does this work? Why does love bombing work so well? Why do so many intelligent, successful, capable people fall into these dynamics? And I need to make it known. This happens in many different relationships, not just not just relationships where it's men and women. This can happen in a variety of relationships. So please keep that in mind. And it's not only men who love bomb, which s tends to be people seem to think it's only men. Mm-mm. Women are known to do it as well. So it is it goes across the whole board. It doesn't matter. So why does it work so well? Well, it's a not about intelligence. It's about familiarity. So it doesn't matter how intelligent, successful, or capable you are, you can still fall into these dynamics because it's about familiarity. And your nervous system doesn't care nearly as much about healthy as it does familiar, because the brain just wants to survive. So let me say it again. Your nervous system doesn't ask, is this healthy? Mm-mm. Your nervous system asks, have I survived this before? And it's a very different question because if you survived before where you were love bombed and then you came out of it. So you guys were together for a little while and you survived it. And during that time those dopamine hits were pretty freaking awesome. Guess what? When that person comes back to you, unfortunately he's familiar or she's familiar or this is familiar. So you end up guess what? Buying into it again and keeping the loop going. So another part of what comes into this sometimes is that like chemistry is actually familiarity. So we need to talk about your childhood for a moment. This does not pertain to everyone, but this we do see this quite often. In your childhood, was love predictable? Was affection consistent? Could people be counted on emotionally? Or did you have to earn approval? Did you have to monitor your moods? Did you have to keep the peace in the house? Did you walk on eggshells? If love felt inconsistent growing up, your nervous system may have learned that love equals uncertainty. Love equals chasing. Love equals proving your worth constantly all the time. Love equals emotional highs and lows. And so when someone shows up emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, confusing, or difficult to figure out, well, something inside you just lights up. not because they're your soulmate, but because they're familiar. And familiarity often disguises itself as, well, chemistry. So next we're gonna talk about the butterfly myth, okay? So let's talk about butterflies because society has done us dirty with this one. We're taught that butterflies in our bellies means love, that anxiety means passion That obsession means chemistry. Hmm Yeah, and sure. Sometimes butterflies are excitement. On occasion. But sometimes butterflies are your nervous system screaming. Something feels uncertain here. Healthy love often feels surprisingly calm. Not boring per se, but calm, consistent, predictable, safe. And for people raised in chaos, calm can feel incredibly uncomfortable. ⁓ especially if you've been in relationships where calm was not a thing, and all of a sudden you go into a relationship where you've got some nice calm ⁓ it's it's very uncomfortable. So you may find yourself saying, They're nice, but there's just no spark. There's no chemistry. Meanwhile, the emotionally unavailable hot mass has you Checking your phone every six minutes. And ⁓ guess what? That's not always chemistry either. sometimes it's anxiety wearing lingerie. So other thing that happens to a lot of people out there is the empath trap. And this is where a lot of incredibly wonderful people get stuck. Especially people who are nurturing, compassionate, and deeply empathetic. You see someone's wounds, you see their trauma, you see their potential, you see their pain, and suddenly you're emotionally invested and you tell yourself they just need someone who understands them. Nobody has ever loved them properly, and I can I can help them heal. Guess what? Before you know it, sorry, before you know it. You're dating their future instead of their present. You're falling in love with who they could become, not who they currently are. And that is a dangerous game because relationships don't happen with potential. Relationships happen with reality. So keep that in mind. These people, a lot of the times where they're trying to fix ⁓ another individual, they also don't end up in a relationship. They end up parenting. So And then we have the savior complex. Many people who end up in these dynamics, they aren't weak. They're actually strong, they're resilient, they're capable, they're used to carrying things. And unfortunately, that strength can attract people who need to be rescued or who want to be rescued. And suddenly you're the therapist, you're the coach, you're the emotional support human, you're the crisis manager, you're carrying the entire relationship while convincing yourself it's love. Meanwhile, you're exhausted, you're burnt out, you're resentful, you're disconnected from yourself, and you're wondering why nobody ever shows up for you. So, how do you stop attracting these dynamics, especially whenever it's something that's been going on for so long? And this is where people want this magical checklist. sorry, ⁓ is usually way less sexy than that. The answer is slowing down. The answer is noticing, it's observing, it's paying attention to behavior instead of words because healthy people don't have to convince you that they're healthy, they simply show you. So it happens over time and consistency becomes the green flag, not the intensity. So you start asking, like, do their actions match their promises? Can they take accountability? Do I feel safe being myself? Am I choosing them or am I chasing them? Do I feel calm or do I feel addicted? Because there's a huge difference. So I do want to leave you with a few questions after this particular podcast. And I know this one went into a lot of information, and for some people this might have been extremely uncomfortable. So be honest. Do you confuse chaos with passion? Do you lose ⁓ Do you lose interest when someone is emotionally available? Do you feel the need to earn love? And do you stay because of someone's potential or who they are now? Do you feel more attracted to people who are difficult to win over? And perhaps the biggest question of all, if someone loved you consistently, would you know how to receive it? Because for many people, that's where the real healing starts. So the truth is that most people aren't attracting narcissists because they're broken. They're attracting familiar patterns because their nervous system learned those patterns a long time ago. And these are patterns that once protected them. So patterns that helped them survive while they were growing up or in relationships previous to this. But survival isn't the same thing as a connection. Healing isn't about becoming Better at spotting narcissists, healing is learning to trust yourself enough that when someone shows you who they are, you believe them. it's also, which also means that identifying the patterns of a narcissist, okay? So that you identify the pattern and you start to back away from that person. ⁓ learning that love doesn't need to be earned, it doesn't need to be chased, and it definitely doesn't need to feel like an emotional hostage negotiation, okay? Because real love isn't built on intensity, it's built on consistency. And while consistency may not give you the fireworks on day one, it gives you something way more valuable. It gives you peace. And if you've ever spent years chasing chaos, you'll eventually realize that peace is one of the sexiest things that you will ever experience. So on that note, thanks for joining me for another episode of Ron Reconnected. A huge Thanks to the person who brought this to my attention who wanted to know a little bit more. ⁓ if you've got something that you want to know more about that I may have the answer to or at least some information for you, definitely message me and I'll see what I can do for you. If this episode hit a little too close to home, send it to someone who needs to hear it. And if you're sitting there thinking, well, shit, good. Because that's usually where an awareness begins. So until next time. This is raw and reconnected, no shame, no bullshit, just truth transformation and the messy magic of being human.