WEBVTT
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At a General Tire banquet, Jack Benny is joined by
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film comedy star Burt Wheeler. This is the Jack Benny Program,
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episode 26 of the General Tire season, broadcast on September 28, 1934.
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The Friday night NBC Red Network series was closing its
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General Tire run, with Mary Livingston, Don Wilson, Don Bestor,
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and Frank Parker also on hand. Benny and Wheeler meet
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in a banquet skit for this season-closing broadcast. And now,
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the original broadcast.
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The General Tire and Rubber Company, world's largest manufacturer of
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low-pressure tires, presents another hammer of music and energy, the
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name Jack Benny.
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The orchestra opens 24 hours in Georgia. And now, for
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the last time on this General Tire series, I present
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to you that star of stage, screen, radio, hotel lobbies,
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and the street corners, Mr.
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Jack Benny.
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Thank you.
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That's a fine introduction, Don, street corners. All I can say,
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ladies and gentlemen, is that the football season is now on,
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and I wish that I were a tackle and Don
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Wilson was coming my way with the ball.
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Oh, you're kidding, Jack.
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No, I'm not.
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Well, you know that my old racket is football, and
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every year when the football season starts, my blood begins
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to tingle.
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Yeah, Don, where'd you play football? With the U of C.
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You don't say.
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Sure, well, I remember my third year in college, I
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made 23 touchdowns.
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Hmm, 23.
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Yes, and in my last year, I made 34 touchdowns.
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But not today, Jack. No, Don, today you just make touches.
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In fact, on this program, they call you Touch Don.
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All right, Jack.
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All right, stick to the routine. Did you ever play football?
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Well, I carried a few pigskins in my day.
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I know you worked in a slaughterhouse, but did you
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ever play football?
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Sure, I played football. Listen, I used to work right
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alongside a red grain.
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Oh, the same team?
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No, the same ice wagon. Right. But no kidding, Don,
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I played a lot of football in my college days.
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Well, I didn't know that you were a university man.
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What college did you attend, Jack?
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The U of IC. IC? Yes, International Correspondence.
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And you played football on a correspondence school team?
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Sure, Don. I used to send in some great forward
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passes by mail. Well, I remember one day we needed
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a touchdown to win, and I sent it in by
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air mail.
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Did that win the games?
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No, I only put a three-cent stamp on it, and
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it came back. Oh, that's good. Yeah, yeah. Frank Parker's
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my name, remember? Oh, yes, surely. And speaking of football,
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you know I played on the UofL? Oh, good old Leavenworth, huh?
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What year, Parker? What year? 24, 25, 26, 27. All right,
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all right. I mean, what brought you to that college? Penmanship. Forgery,
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that's a great study, yes. Tell us something about your football. Well,
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one day I grabbed the ball and ran 600 yards
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for a touchdown. Gee, must have been a big field. Oh, yes.
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I ran right through the woods and the whole team
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came after me. But they couldn't get the ball away.
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Why not? It was chained to my ankle.
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Oh.
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Well, Frank, you should have gone to Princeton. That never
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would have happened, you know.
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Hey, Jack, I haven't said anything yet.
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I know, Mary, but we're speaking of football after all
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that's out of your line.
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It is.
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You don't think I went to Vasta to learn crocheting,
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do you?
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Well, all right, Mary, tell us about your football experiences.
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Well, one day we were playing Bryn Mawr.
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You mean that girls' college near Philadelphia? Yes, and what
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a game.
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More than 70,000 people didn't show up.
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Oh, what a game. What was the score, Mary?
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It was the last quarter. Basser had 14 and Brynn
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had more.
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Oh.
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And that's only the first joke.
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Brynn more. I get it. I get it.
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Then Miss Sarah Maloney, their halfbackess, threw the ball to
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their quarterbackess, but I intercepted the ball.
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What does intercepted mean? What's the difference as long as
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you're healthy?
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Oh, I don't know.
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So I started to run for good.
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Old Vassar and went.
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For a touchdown.
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20 yards, 30 yards, 40 yards, 50 yards.
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Yes?
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And what yards, all with gardens.
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Mary, Mary, wait a minute. This is a half-hour program.
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That's what I'm worried about.
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Oh.
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Well, anyway, I kept running. Nobody could stop me, and
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I finally crossed the goal.
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And you scored a touchdown?
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No, I looked around, and to my surprise, I didn't
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have the ball.
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Not to my surprise, though. Mary, how could you forget
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the ball?
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Well, I did the running. I can't think of everything.
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Listen, I'll bet if you played polo, you'd forget the horse.
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Yes, if it was water polo.
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Oh, I was just going to say play down, but
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I thought maybe you'd have something to say about football. Well,
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I never played exactly, but I was coach. Coach on
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what team?
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General Tire.
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Coach on General Tire?
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Me, I was chassis on the same team.
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Well, and here we are together.
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What are we waiting for? Rickety-rack, rickety-rack, hot kazoo, kazoo, kazack,
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general fire, la, la, la.
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Zero bosses, it's boom-bop.
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Play, Don, and I don't mean football. That was Don
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Vester and his Connecticut quarterbacks playing Valencia. And now tonight, folks.
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Oh, Jack.
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We are going... Yes, Mary?
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Do you mind if I get off early tonight?
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Why?
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Where are you going? You remember Burt Wheeler.
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The movie star who came up here two weeks ago?
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Yes.
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Well, I have a date with him tonight.
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We're going to a dance. Are you sure you have
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a date with Wheeler?
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Certainly. I made it myself.
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Well, what's your hurry?
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I mean, where's Wheeler? I don't know.
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Sitting right out there waiting for me.
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Where?
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In the third row. The fellow yawning.
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Oh, he must be thinking of some other program, I guess. Hello, Bert. Hiya, Jack.
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Come on up here a minute. Oh, no.
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Not tonight.
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Oh, come on, fellas. Drag them up, will you, for everything?
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Oh, I don't want to.
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Let me alone, though, will you?
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What's the matter with you, Bert? Don't be bashful.
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Not tonight, Jack. You see, I'm waiting for Mary.
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What are you afraid of? I'm not going to hurt you.
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Yeah, you're not going to do me any good either.
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Now, look, Jack, this is my first night off, and
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I prefer to be incognito.
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What's incognito, Jack?
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Well, Mary, incognito is when a fella doesn't want to
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be known and hires four publicity men to advertise it,
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you know.
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Yeah, there you go, starting in again.
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I'll see you later, Mary.
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No, come here, Bert. Look, I'm only kidding. Look, Mary,
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incognito is, well, when I travel to Europe, I travel incognito.
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Incognito must mean steerage.
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That's good, yeah. See, you're right at home, Bert. See,
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you got your laugh. Come on, just say a word
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to the folks, Jill.
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I can't, Jack. You see, my business is pictures.
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And my contract with RKO doesn't permit me to broadcast.
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But how will they know it? Look, I'll call you
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John Smith.
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Now, look, Jack, here's my contract. Section 4, clause 3,
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it says.
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Mm-hmm.
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Party of the first part while making pictures must not broadcast.
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Uh-huh.
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Be seen in a limousine with Garbo... Oh. or be
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called John Smith. Oh, well, you know, Bert, that's funny.
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I have some peculiar clauses in my radio contract. Now,
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look here. Section 5, it says, Jack Benny, while broadcasting,
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must not drink, smoke, or eat garlic. Isn't that funny?
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Yeah, well, if my nose isn't hidden, you broke that
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last clause.
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That's wrong.
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It's a fine track. Well, I'll see you later, Jack. Oh, look,
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come here, Bert. Don't run away. Listen, Bert, I meant
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to ask you something the other night. You know, you
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make all your pictures with Woolsey, don't you? Wheeler and Woolsey? Yeah.
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Are you two fellas married? No.
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No, we're just partners.
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I mean, nobody understands me. Bert, I mean, in all
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the pictures you two fellas make, it's all comedy. I
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never see you play any love scenes.
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Well, how would I look hugging Woolsey?
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I suppose Laurel and Hardy have the same trouble.
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Well, yeah, yeah. Well, so long, Jack.
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See you later.
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Thanks, Bert, for coming up.
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Mary.
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Mary, you know what kills me? These big movie stars
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like Wheeler. I mean, what's Bert Wheeler got that I
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haven't got?
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Well, he's got a nice set of teeth.
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All right, I can get a set just like it
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for my dentist.
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I know, Jack, but he has sex appeal, too.
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Get that from your dentist, Jack.
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Play it on. He put that line in himself. And
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now Frank Parker, our juvenile tenor, will sing The Moon
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Was Yellow. Say, Jack, what is it that you got
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that I haven't got? I don't know what. The five
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dollars you borrowed. Get that from your dentist. Sing, Frank.
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I have a Frank Parker singing June with Yellow. Oh, Don,
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take the microphone, will you? I'm going to be busy
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for a little while.
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What is it?
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Well, Don, you know, this is our last program in
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this series, and I'm giving a little blowout tonight. Oh,
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wait a minute. No blowouts on the General Tire Program.
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All right, then. Banquet. What's the difference?
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Who's coming over, Jack?
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Everybody, Don. In fact, the who's who. To help me marry,
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you help, too. And, Parker, you be the waiter, will you?
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I wonder if that chef got here yet.
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I am here, Mr.
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Benny.
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Well, I'm glad you got here. Now, listen, Chef, we're
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having a big party up here tonight. I sent out
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20 agents, so I expect about 185 guests. Oui, monsieur. Mm-hmm.
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If he's a Frenchman, then my name is Equipois. Now, look,
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I want you a nice dinner. Let's have hors d'oeuvres,
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consomme de la julienne, filet a casserole, pomme de tour
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a gratin, nuts a la Brazilian... And a demi good tassie.
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What does that mean in English?
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Oh, a ham sandwich and a cup of coffee. Oui, monsieur. Now,
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just a minute. I expect some classy people here. Where
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did you work as a chef before? Sloppy Joe's and
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the Greasy Best. I was worried.
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And I was worried.
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Well, get busy. Bester, you'll have your orchestra stand by
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for a little dance music, won't you? Oui, oui, ma soeur.
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Ma soeur, huh? And Parker, maybe you'll entertain us with
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a song or two.
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Oui, oui, my sir.
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That would be an insult, folks, but he speaks in French.
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You know. Looks like our guests Looks like our guests
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are arriving Here come six crazy limousines Mary, you go
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to the door and greet them, will you? I'll get
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things ready Why doesn't Parker go to the door? He's
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got to watch the silverware Oh, Bester You empty your
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bottle in the punch bowl See, I'll pay it back tomorrow.
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I haven't got a corkscrew Use the general tire That
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has the corkscrew gripped.
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Ah, they're here. Open the door, Mary, will you? John,
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liven up the place a little bit. You know, a
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little excitement. Good evening, folks.
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Step right in.
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Good evening. How do you do?
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Where's your invitation, please?
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Right here.
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Uh, check your coat and hat. I've got to make
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a living, too.
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No rackets, Mary. No rackets, you know.
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Come right in, folks.
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Invitations, please. Here you are. Who are they, Mary?
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I don't know.
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Well, what does it say on the invitation?
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Uh, Simpsons Pawn Shop.
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Overcoat $ 8. Oh, the Simpsons. The Simpsons, of course. I
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used to play hockey with them. Hockey watchies. Make yourselves
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at home, folks. Answer the bell, Mary. They're coming in fast.
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Right this way. Is this the General Tire Banquet?
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Yes. Invitations, please.
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Here you are.
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Who are they, Mary? Mr. and Mrs.
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Jane on Skiddington Moor with a silent safety tread.
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Oh, Mr. and Mrs.
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Tread, of course. Come right in.
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When do we eat? That's what I'm worried about.
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Ah, here comes someone else, then.
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Well, well, how do you do, Spencer?
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What's going on here? What can I do for you, sir?
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I found an invitation for a banquet.
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Is this the right place?
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This is the Jack Benny General Tire Banquet.
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Sir, it looks like a very fancy evening.
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I think I'll stay here.
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Come right in, come right in. Well, hello, Jack. You
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remember me? Well, your face is familiar.
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Schlepperman is the name.
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Oh, Schlepperman, sure. I met you on a train coming
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down from Poughkeepsie. Likewise. Well, well, well, tell me, uh,
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tell me, Mr. Slaperman, uh, how's your wife? Don't spoil
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my evening, please. I see. Well, uh, how did you
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get away? Oh, that was easy.
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I told my wife I was going to play poker
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with the boys.
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Oh, poker, eh? Yeah. Listen, Mr. Benny, will you do
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me a favor? What?
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Lend me $ 10 so I can tell.
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My wife that I won. Borrow $ 10 from her, tell
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her the card's remarked. Mary, Mary, see who that is,
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will you? Come right in. Who is it, Mary? Uh, Mr.
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John Smith.
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Oh, Bert Wheeler. Well, come right in, Bert.
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I can't, Jack. You see, my contract.
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Never mind with that contract.
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Will you come here, Bert? Bert, I want you to
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meet Mr. Schlepperman. Mr. Schlepperman, Mr. Wheeler. What's he got
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that I ain't got? Hey, wait a minute. That's Bert Wheeler.
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That's Bert Wheeler, the movie star. Oh, well, I'm pleased
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to meet you, Mr. Wheeler. Have you got a cigar?
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Say, you're thinking of Woolsey.
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Rosie, smosie, I'll take a cigarette. Likewise.
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Oh, you too, eh? Hey, well, let's get started.
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It's getting late. Now, ladies and gentlemen, I want you
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all to sit down and enjoy yourselves. We're going to
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eat soon. Mary, put the knives and forks on the table.
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I did.
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Hmm, gone already. Well, folks, you'll have to eat with
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your fingers. I don't want to search you. Garcon, garcon.
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Hey, Poffer, the boss wants you.
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Yeah, bring in the soup.
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I got it right here, boss.
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Oh, the idea of spilling a bowl of.
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Soup on my dress. Don't worry, madam, we have plenty
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of soup.
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He'll get you another bowl.
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But how about my dress?
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Look at that thing.
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You had that when you came in.
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Hey, hey, just a minute, waiter. Waiter, there's a hair
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in my soup.
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A what?
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You again, hair, hair. What's on my... What's on my head?
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Nothing.
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It's in your soup. You're right. Just a crack of
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the plate. It's a good stretch, huh? Stay down. Don,
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how about having the boys play a hot number while
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we're eating, yeah?
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Okay, Jack.
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All right, folks, on with the soup.
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Oh, Mrs.
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Treads. Mrs.
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Red, would you mind passing that salt shaker?
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Salt shaker?
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That's my engagement ring. Pardon me. Play, Don, play.
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Now, liven up the party.
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That was la curaracha.
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Is that right? Gee, I nearly choked over that.
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00:14:32.840 --> 00:14:36.059
Played by Don Vester and his orchestra. Hey, waiter, please,
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00:14:36.080 --> 00:14:38.659
take away these two plates. How about the steak? We
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00:14:38.700 --> 00:14:39.379
have no steak.
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This is embarrassing.
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What's in the kitchen? Just an axe. Well, then bring
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00:14:42.639 --> 00:14:46.169
us some chops. Well, folks, as long as the meat
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isn't ready, we'll have our after-dinner speeches before dinner. Hmm,
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00:14:49.429 --> 00:14:51.669
we should have gone to child. And I think, first,
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we ought to have a toast by Don Wilson.
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Come on. Come on.
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Thank you, Jack.
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Thank you, Jack. Here's to the good old automobile buyer.
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Here's to the man that uses the general tire. Here's
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00:15:04.889 --> 00:15:06.330
to the silent safety trend.
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He's been raving like that for 26 weeks, but he's right. Now,
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our first speaker this evening will be that eminent, eminent,
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00:15:16.629 --> 00:15:21.110
eminent orchestra leader of the General Tire Program. See, 26 weeks,
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00:15:21.169 --> 00:15:24.370
I said prior, isn't it? Right, of the General Tire Program, Mr.
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Don Besser. Don, have you a word for us?
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No, but the squirrels have.
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That was awfully good. And now we will hear from
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that charming little personality, the Shirley Temple of the air,
368
00:15:35.899 --> 00:15:38.360
but a bit older, Miss Mary Livingston.
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Yay!
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Hello, Mary.
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Guests of honor, ladies and gentlemen, waiters, kibitzers, and Jack Benny.
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I didn't expect to be called upon tonight, so I
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came prepared. I have been associated for the past 26
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weeks with Jack Benny on the General Tire Program. I
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have stuck with him through thick and thin. He got thick,
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and I got thin. It has been a very pleasant
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26 weeks. And, Jack, all I can say is, Labor Day, oh, Labor.
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Day, you come to.
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00:16:12.029 --> 00:16:14.629
Mary fell off the chair, folks, but the play must
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go on.
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I didn't think they'd strike a lady.
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00:16:17.440 --> 00:16:20.179
Now, how about a word from Burt Wheeler? Come on, Burt,
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00:16:21.480 --> 00:16:22.600
come on.
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Ladies and gentlemen, my contract does permit me.
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To say that I.
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00:16:29.360 --> 00:16:32.159
Have known Jack Benny for a good many years, and
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circumstances haven't changed him.
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Thank you very much.
389
00:16:34.960 --> 00:16:39.799
Fifteen years ago, Jack and I played one-night stands together.
390
00:16:39.840 --> 00:16:42.919
All around this country, and the papers come out and
391
00:16:42.970 --> 00:16:46.850
said we were both a couple of bums. Here it is,
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00:16:46.850 --> 00:16:49.429
15 years later, and Jack hasn't changed a bit.
393
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Thank you, Bert. That eulogy brought tears to my eyes.
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And after this program, I'll bring a few to yours.
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00:16:59.500 --> 00:17:00.340
It's a date, guys.
396
00:17:00.399 --> 00:17:07.440
Yeah. And now just a word from Frank Parker. What
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00:17:07.460 --> 00:17:09.079
have you got to say, Frank? Yippee!
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That's enough.
399
00:17:10.480 --> 00:17:11.690
That's enough.
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00:17:12.569 --> 00:17:14.950
And now we will hear from that great citizen and
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00:17:15.589 --> 00:17:20.589
honored leader of his community, Mr. J. DeWitt Schlepperman.
402
00:17:20.630 --> 00:17:20.809
Hi.
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00:17:24.079 --> 00:17:28.970
Well, my jolly people, guests of honor, ladies and gentlemen.
404
00:17:29.029 --> 00:17:30.329
And so further.
405
00:17:31.490 --> 00:17:35.549
On a question that I am to public eating, I
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00:17:35.569 --> 00:17:37.619
would like to make a special speech in honor of
407
00:17:37.650 --> 00:17:38.799
the tip-top.
408
00:17:38.390 --> 00:17:39.200
Chairman, Mr.
409
00:17:39.400 --> 00:17:42.099
Judge Bennett. Here, here, here.
410
00:17:42.519 --> 00:17:51.690
Forty years ago, I came here from the Kentucky mountains.
411
00:17:51.950 --> 00:17:52.950
I was a hillbilly.
412
00:17:55.329 --> 00:17:56.450
But they called me Sam.
413
00:17:57.930 --> 00:17:58.650
Am I boring you?
414
00:18:00.849 --> 00:18:01.950
Yes, but go ahead.
415
00:18:03.529 --> 00:18:07.410
And this occasion reminds me of Abraham Lincoln's famous Ginzburg Address.
416
00:18:07.470 --> 00:18:08.430
That's Gettysburg.
417
00:18:08.519 --> 00:18:08.859
Gettysburg.
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00:18:08.920 --> 00:18:09.740
Thank you, thank you.
419
00:18:09.779 --> 00:18:11.759
Ginzburg. Thank you, thank you.
420
00:18:12.819 --> 00:18:16.599
And as Shakespeare once said it, all the world's a stage,
421
00:18:16.680 --> 00:18:21.799
but thank heaven Zed Ben is on the radio. And furthermore,
422
00:18:22.319 --> 00:18:24.180
what has he got that I ain't got?
423
00:18:25.039 --> 00:18:25.859
I've got this.
424
00:18:26.200 --> 00:18:29.079
The same thing happened to me.
425
00:18:30.740 --> 00:18:34.099
Oh, Jack, Jack, here's the telegram. Thanks, Don. Oh, it's
426
00:18:34.119 --> 00:18:37.660
from the telegram. Bill O'Neill, president of the General Tire
427
00:18:37.680 --> 00:18:41.500
and Rubber Company. Well, Jack Benny, care of NBC Studios
428
00:18:41.539 --> 00:18:44.279
New York. Gee, you read it, Wilson, will you? You know,
429
00:18:44.299 --> 00:18:46.279
it's embarrassing. All right, Jack.
430
00:18:46.640 --> 00:18:49.869
It says, Jack Benny, care of NBC Studios New York.
431
00:18:50.700 --> 00:18:54.599
Except for your interference on these programs, Don Wilson could
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00:18:54.640 --> 00:18:58.200
have told our audience much more about our new corkscrew tire.
433
00:18:58.460 --> 00:18:58.920
I see.
434
00:18:59.380 --> 00:19:02.220
You insist that the show's the thing, and on that score,
435
00:19:02.339 --> 00:19:05.160
I want to compliment you and the cast on 26
436
00:19:05.160 --> 00:19:06.700
weeks of fine entertainment.
437
00:19:06.960 --> 00:19:07.720
Well, that's better.
438
00:19:08.569 --> 00:19:11.130
Until we resume these programs next March, you will be
439
00:19:11.150 --> 00:19:15.630
broadcasting for General Foods. The only connection between General Foods
440
00:19:15.710 --> 00:19:19.049
and General Tires is that we eat their products and
441
00:19:19.109 --> 00:19:21.930
they wear ours. You have to live to be able
442
00:19:21.970 --> 00:19:25.299
to eat. So the more people we put on General Tires,
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00:19:25.700 --> 00:19:28.279
the more customers we keep for General Foods.
444
00:19:28.960 --> 00:19:29.829
Signed, W.
445
00:19:29.900 --> 00:19:32.859
O'Neill, President, General Tire and Rubber Company.
446
00:19:37.859 --> 00:19:39.819
Well, all I can say is, on behalf of the
447
00:19:39.859 --> 00:19:42.759
entire cast, I want to thank you, Mr. O'Neill, the
448
00:19:42.799 --> 00:19:46.789
General Tire and Rubber Company, the National Broadcasting Company, and
449
00:19:46.849 --> 00:19:49.450
our listening audience for a most pleasant season on the air.
450
00:19:49.940 --> 00:19:51.400
And I'm glad to know that we will be with
451
00:19:51.440 --> 00:20:02.559
you again. Thank you very, very much. Play, Don. Well, folks,
452
00:20:02.599 --> 00:20:04.789
good night, and we'll be with you again on Sunday night,
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00:20:04.849 --> 00:20:07.970
October 14th. I hope you'll all be listening in. Thank you.
454
00:20:23.720 --> 00:20:25.640
This is the National Broadcasting Company.
455
00:20:32.059 --> 00:20:33.880
W-E-A-F, New York.
456
00:20:34.900 --> 00:20:38.710
The Jack Benny Program, last show of season, Rise of
457
00:20:38.750 --> 00:20:43.089
the House of Rauchild. Until our next comedy broadcast, good night.
458
00:20:43.670 --> 00:20:48.049
Follow Old Time Comedy Radio for more classic comedy broadcasts.
1
00:00:00.110 --> 00:00:03.390
At a General Tire banquet, Jack Benny is joined by
2
00:00:03.509 --> 00:00:08.099
film comedy star Burt Wheeler. This is the Jack Benny Program,
3
00:00:08.419 --> 00:00:14.439
episode 26 of the General Tire season, broadcast on September 28, 1934.
4
00:00:14.439 --> 00:00:19.829
The Friday night NBC Red Network series was closing its
5
00:00:19.910 --> 00:00:24.390
General Tire run, with Mary Livingston, Don Wilson, Don Bestor,
6
00:00:24.429 --> 00:00:28.370
and Frank Parker also on hand. Benny and Wheeler meet
7
00:00:28.410 --> 00:00:32.689
in a banquet skit for this season-closing broadcast. And now,
8
00:00:33.049 --> 00:00:34.409
the original broadcast.
9
00:00:37.649 --> 00:00:45.759
The General Tire and Rubber Company, world's largest manufacturer of
10
00:00:45.799 --> 00:00:49.799
low-pressure tires, presents another hammer of music and energy, the
11
00:00:49.820 --> 00:00:50.899
name Jack Benny.
12
00:00:54.630 --> 00:01:06.329
The orchestra opens 24 hours in Georgia. And now, for
13
00:01:06.359 --> 00:01:08.959
the last time on this General Tire series, I present
14
00:01:09.000 --> 00:01:12.299
to you that star of stage, screen, radio, hotel lobbies,
15
00:01:12.400 --> 00:01:14.180
and the street corners, Mr.
16
00:01:14.200 --> 00:01:14.879
Jack Benny.
17
00:01:14.900 --> 00:01:15.090
Thank you.
18
00:01:20.560 --> 00:01:23.920
That's a fine introduction, Don, street corners. All I can say,
19
00:01:23.980 --> 00:01:26.459
ladies and gentlemen, is that the football season is now on,
20
00:01:26.480 --> 00:01:28.780
and I wish that I were a tackle and Don
21
00:01:28.819 --> 00:01:30.659
Wilson was coming my way with the ball.
22
00:01:30.959 --> 00:01:32.140
Oh, you're kidding, Jack.
23
00:01:32.159 --> 00:01:32.859
No, I'm not.
24
00:01:33.280 --> 00:01:35.590
Well, you know that my old racket is football, and
25
00:01:35.670 --> 00:01:38.370
every year when the football season starts, my blood begins
26
00:01:38.409 --> 00:01:39.090
to tingle.
27
00:01:39.230 --> 00:01:41.829
Yeah, Don, where'd you play football? With the U of C.
28
00:01:42.069 --> 00:01:42.909
You don't say.
29
00:01:43.129 --> 00:01:45.689
Sure, well, I remember my third year in college, I
30
00:01:45.709 --> 00:01:46.290
made 23 touchdowns.
31
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Hmm, 23.
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00:01:48.750 --> 00:01:51.670
Yes, and in my last year, I made 34 touchdowns.
33
00:01:52.099 --> 00:01:55.219
But not today, Jack. No, Don, today you just make touches.
34
00:01:57.579 --> 00:02:00.659
In fact, on this program, they call you Touch Don.
35
00:02:01.959 --> 00:02:02.760
All right, Jack.
36
00:02:03.859 --> 00:02:08.370
All right, stick to the routine. Did you ever play football?
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Well, I carried a few pigskins in my day.
38
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I know you worked in a slaughterhouse, but did you
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ever play football?
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Sure, I played football. Listen, I used to work right
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alongside a red grain.
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Oh, the same team?
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No, the same ice wagon. Right. But no kidding, Don,
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I played a lot of football in my college days.
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Well, I didn't know that you were a university man.
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What college did you attend, Jack?
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The U of IC. IC? Yes, International Correspondence.
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And you played football on a correspondence school team?
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Sure, Don. I used to send in some great forward
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passes by mail. Well, I remember one day we needed
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a touchdown to win, and I sent it in by
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air mail.
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Did that win the games?
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No, I only put a three-cent stamp on it, and
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it came back. Oh, that's good. Yeah, yeah. Frank Parker's
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my name, remember? Oh, yes, surely. And speaking of football,
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you know I played on the UofL? Oh, good old Leavenworth, huh?
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What year, Parker? What year? 24, 25, 26, 27. All right,
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all right. I mean, what brought you to that college? Penmanship. Forgery,
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that's a great study, yes. Tell us something about your football. Well,
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one day I grabbed the ball and ran 600 yards
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for a touchdown. Gee, must have been a big field. Oh, yes.
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I ran right through the woods and the whole team
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came after me. But they couldn't get the ball away.
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Why not? It was chained to my ankle.
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Oh.
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Well, Frank, you should have gone to Princeton. That never
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would have happened, you know.
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Hey, Jack, I haven't said anything yet.
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I know, Mary, but we're speaking of football after all
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that's out of your line.
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It is.
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You don't think I went to Vasta to learn crocheting,
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do you?
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Well, all right, Mary, tell us about your football experiences.
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Well, one day we were playing Bryn Mawr.
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You mean that girls' college near Philadelphia? Yes, and what
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a game.
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More than 70,000 people didn't show up.
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Oh, what a game. What was the score, Mary?
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It was the last quarter. Basser had 14 and Brynn
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had more.
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Oh.
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And that's only the first joke.
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Brynn more. I get it. I get it.
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Then Miss Sarah Maloney, their halfbackess, threw the ball to
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their quarterbackess, but I intercepted the ball.
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What does intercepted mean? What's the difference as long as
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you're healthy?
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Oh, I don't know.
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So I started to run for good.
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Old Vassar and went.
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For a touchdown.
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20 yards, 30 yards, 40 yards, 50 yards.
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Yes?
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And what yards, all with gardens.
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Mary, Mary, wait a minute. This is a half-hour program.
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That's what I'm worried about.
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Oh.
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Well, anyway, I kept running. Nobody could stop me, and
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I finally crossed the goal.
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And you scored a touchdown?
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No, I looked around, and to my surprise, I didn't
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have the ball.
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Not to my surprise, though. Mary, how could you forget
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the ball?
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Well, I did the running. I can't think of everything.
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Listen, I'll bet if you played polo, you'd forget the horse.
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Yes, if it was water polo.
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Oh, I was just going to say play down, but
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I thought maybe you'd have something to say about football. Well,
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I never played exactly, but I was coach. Coach on
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what team?
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General Tire.
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Coach on General Tire?
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Me, I was chassis on the same team.
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Well, and here we are together.
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What are we waiting for? Rickety-rack, rickety-rack, hot kazoo, kazoo, kazack,
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general fire, la, la, la.
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Zero bosses, it's boom-bop.
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Play, Don, and I don't mean football. That was Don
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Vester and his Connecticut quarterbacks playing Valencia. And now tonight, folks.
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Oh, Jack.
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We are going... Yes, Mary?
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Do you mind if I get off early tonight?
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Why?
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Where are you going? You remember Burt Wheeler.
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The movie star who came up here two weeks ago?
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Yes.
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Well, I have a date with him tonight.
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We're going to a dance. Are you sure you have
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a date with Wheeler?
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Certainly. I made it myself.
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Well, what's your hurry?
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I mean, where's Wheeler? I don't know.
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Sitting right out there waiting for me.
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Where?
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In the third row. The fellow yawning.
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Oh, he must be thinking of some other program, I guess. Hello, Bert. Hiya, Jack.
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Come on up here a minute. Oh, no.
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Not tonight.
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Oh, come on, fellas. Drag them up, will you, for everything?
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Oh, I don't want to.
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Let me alone, though, will you?
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What's the matter with you, Bert? Don't be bashful.
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Not tonight, Jack. You see, I'm waiting for Mary.
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What are you afraid of? I'm not going to hurt you.
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Yeah, you're not going to do me any good either.
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Now, look, Jack, this is my first night off, and
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I prefer to be incognito.
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What's incognito, Jack?
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Well, Mary, incognito is when a fella doesn't want to
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be known and hires four publicity men to advertise it,
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you know.
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Yeah, there you go, starting in again.
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I'll see you later, Mary.
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No, come here, Bert. Look, I'm only kidding. Look, Mary,
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incognito is, well, when I travel to Europe, I travel incognito.
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Incognito must mean steerage.
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That's good, yeah. See, you're right at home, Bert. See,
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you got your laugh. Come on, just say a word
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to the folks, Jill.
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I can't, Jack. You see, my business is pictures.
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And my contract with RKO doesn't permit me to broadcast.
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But how will they know it? Look, I'll call you
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John Smith.
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Now, look, Jack, here's my contract. Section 4, clause 3,
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it says.
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Mm-hmm.
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Party of the first part while making pictures must not broadcast.
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Uh-huh.
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Be seen in a limousine with Garbo... Oh. or be
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called John Smith. Oh, well, you know, Bert, that's funny.
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I have some peculiar clauses in my radio contract. Now,
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look here. Section 5, it says, Jack Benny, while broadcasting,
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must not drink, smoke, or eat garlic. Isn't that funny?
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Yeah, well, if my nose isn't hidden, you broke that
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last clause.
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That's wrong.
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It's a fine track. Well, I'll see you later, Jack. Oh, look,
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come here, Bert. Don't run away. Listen, Bert, I meant
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to ask you something the other night. You know, you
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make all your pictures with Woolsey, don't you? Wheeler and Woolsey? Yeah.
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Are you two fellas married? No.
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No, we're just partners.
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I mean, nobody understands me. Bert, I mean, in all
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the pictures you two fellas make, it's all comedy. I
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never see you play any love scenes.
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Well, how would I look hugging Woolsey?
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I suppose Laurel and Hardy have the same trouble.
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Well, yeah, yeah. Well, so long, Jack.
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See you later.
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Thanks, Bert, for coming up.
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Mary.
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Mary, you know what kills me? These big movie stars
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like Wheeler. I mean, what's Bert Wheeler got that I
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haven't got?
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Well, he's got a nice set of teeth.
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All right, I can get a set just like it
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for my dentist.
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I know, Jack, but he has sex appeal, too.
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Get that from your dentist, Jack.
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Play it on. He put that line in himself. And
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now Frank Parker, our juvenile tenor, will sing The Moon
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Was Yellow. Say, Jack, what is it that you got
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that I haven't got? I don't know what. The five
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dollars you borrowed. Get that from your dentist. Sing, Frank.
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I have a Frank Parker singing June with Yellow. Oh, Don,
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take the microphone, will you? I'm going to be busy
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for a little while.
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What is it?
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Well, Don, you know, this is our last program in
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this series, and I'm giving a little blowout tonight. Oh,
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wait a minute. No blowouts on the General Tire Program.
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All right, then. Banquet. What's the difference?
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Who's coming over, Jack?
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Everybody, Don. In fact, the who's who. To help me marry,
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you help, too. And, Parker, you be the waiter, will you?
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I wonder if that chef got here yet.
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I am here, Mr.
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Benny.
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Well, I'm glad you got here. Now, listen, Chef, we're
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having a big party up here tonight. I sent out
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20 agents, so I expect about 185 guests. Oui, monsieur. Mm-hmm.
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If he's a Frenchman, then my name is Equipois. Now, look,
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I want you a nice dinner. Let's have hors d'oeuvres,
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consomme de la julienne, filet a casserole, pomme de tour
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a gratin, nuts a la Brazilian... And a demi good tassie.
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What does that mean in English?
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Oh, a ham sandwich and a cup of coffee. Oui, monsieur. Now,
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just a minute. I expect some classy people here. Where
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did you work as a chef before? Sloppy Joe's and
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the Greasy Best. I was worried.
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And I was worried.
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Well, get busy. Bester, you'll have your orchestra stand by
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for a little dance music, won't you? Oui, oui, ma soeur.
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Ma soeur, huh? And Parker, maybe you'll entertain us with
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a song or two.
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Oui, oui, my sir.
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That would be an insult, folks, but he speaks in French.
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You know. Looks like our guests Looks like our guests
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are arriving Here come six crazy limousines Mary, you go
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to the door and greet them, will you? I'll get
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things ready Why doesn't Parker go to the door? He's
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got to watch the silverware Oh, Bester You empty your
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bottle in the punch bowl See, I'll pay it back tomorrow.
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I haven't got a corkscrew Use the general tire That
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has the corkscrew gripped.
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Ah, they're here. Open the door, Mary, will you? John,
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liven up the place a little bit. You know, a
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little excitement. Good evening, folks.
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Step right in.
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Good evening. How do you do?
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Where's your invitation, please?
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Right here.
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Uh, check your coat and hat. I've got to make
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a living, too.
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No rackets, Mary. No rackets, you know.
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Come right in, folks.
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Invitations, please. Here you are. Who are they, Mary?
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I don't know.
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Well, what does it say on the invitation?
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Uh, Simpsons Pawn Shop.
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Overcoat $ 8. Oh, the Simpsons. The Simpsons, of course. I
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used to play hockey with them. Hockey watchies. Make yourselves
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at home, folks. Answer the bell, Mary. They're coming in fast.
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Right this way. Is this the General Tire Banquet?
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Yes. Invitations, please.
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Here you are.
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Who are they, Mary? Mr. and Mrs.
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Jane on Skiddington Moor with a silent safety tread.
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Oh, Mr. and Mrs.
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Tread, of course. Come right in.
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When do we eat? That's what I'm worried about.
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Ah, here comes someone else, then.
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Well, well, how do you do, Spencer?
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What's going on here? What can I do for you, sir?
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I found an invitation for a banquet.
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Is this the right place?
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This is the Jack Benny General Tire Banquet.
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Sir, it looks like a very fancy evening.
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I think I'll stay here.
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Come right in, come right in. Well, hello, Jack. You
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remember me? Well, your face is familiar.
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Schlepperman is the name.
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Oh, Schlepperman, sure. I met you on a train coming
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down from Poughkeepsie. Likewise. Well, well, well, tell me, uh,
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tell me, Mr. Slaperman, uh, how's your wife? Don't spoil
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my evening, please. I see. Well, uh, how did you
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get away? Oh, that was easy.
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I told my wife I was going to play poker
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with the boys.
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Oh, poker, eh? Yeah. Listen, Mr. Benny, will you do
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me a favor? What?
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Lend me $ 10 so I can tell.
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My wife that I won. Borrow $ 10 from her, tell
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her the card's remarked. Mary, Mary, see who that is,
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will you? Come right in. Who is it, Mary? Uh, Mr.
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John Smith.
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Oh, Bert Wheeler. Well, come right in, Bert.
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I can't, Jack. You see, my contract.
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Never mind with that contract.
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Will you come here, Bert? Bert, I want you to
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meet Mr. Schlepperman. Mr. Schlepperman, Mr. Wheeler. What's he got
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that I ain't got? Hey, wait a minute. That's Bert Wheeler.
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00:13:01.840 --> 00:13:06.549
That's Bert Wheeler, the movie star. Oh, well, I'm pleased
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to meet you, Mr. Wheeler. Have you got a cigar?
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00:13:09.049 --> 00:13:10.269
Say, you're thinking of Woolsey.
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Rosie, smosie, I'll take a cigarette. Likewise.
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Oh, you too, eh? Hey, well, let's get started.
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It's getting late. Now, ladies and gentlemen, I want you
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all to sit down and enjoy yourselves. We're going to
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eat soon. Mary, put the knives and forks on the table.
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I did.
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Hmm, gone already. Well, folks, you'll have to eat with
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your fingers. I don't want to search you. Garcon, garcon.
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Hey, Poffer, the boss wants you.
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Yeah, bring in the soup.
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I got it right here, boss.
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Oh, the idea of spilling a bowl of.
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Soup on my dress. Don't worry, madam, we have plenty
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of soup.
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He'll get you another bowl.
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But how about my dress?
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Look at that thing.
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00:13:51.129 --> 00:13:52.549
You had that when you came in.
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00:13:53.110 --> 00:13:55.269
Hey, hey, just a minute, waiter. Waiter, there's a hair
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00:13:55.309 --> 00:13:55.830
in my soup.
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00:13:56.190 --> 00:13:56.570
A what?
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00:13:56.970 --> 00:14:01.740
You again, hair, hair. What's on my... What's on my head?
331
00:14:01.980 --> 00:14:02.279
Nothing.
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00:14:02.340 --> 00:14:05.059
It's in your soup. You're right. Just a crack of
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00:14:05.080 --> 00:14:12.529
the plate. It's a good stretch, huh? Stay down. Don,
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00:14:12.590 --> 00:14:14.570
how about having the boys play a hot number while
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00:14:14.590 --> 00:14:15.230
we're eating, yeah?
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Okay, Jack.
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00:14:16.210 --> 00:14:17.730
All right, folks, on with the soup.
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00:14:17.870 --> 00:14:18.190
Oh, Mrs.
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00:14:18.250 --> 00:14:18.950
Treads. Mrs.
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00:14:18.970 --> 00:14:20.750
Red, would you mind passing that salt shaker?
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00:14:20.769 --> 00:14:21.850
Salt shaker?
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00:14:22.090 --> 00:14:25.129
That's my engagement ring. Pardon me. Play, Don, play.
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00:14:25.250 --> 00:14:27.860
Now, liven up the party.
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That was la curaracha.
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00:14:29.679 --> 00:14:32.820
Is that right? Gee, I nearly choked over that.
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00:14:32.840 --> 00:14:36.059
Played by Don Vester and his orchestra. Hey, waiter, please,
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take away these two plates. How about the steak? We
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00:14:38.700 --> 00:14:39.379
have no steak.
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This is embarrassing.
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00:14:40.399 --> 00:14:42.580
What's in the kitchen? Just an axe. Well, then bring
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00:14:42.639 --> 00:14:46.169
us some chops. Well, folks, as long as the meat
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00:14:46.210 --> 00:14:49.330
isn't ready, we'll have our after-dinner speeches before dinner. Hmm,
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00:14:49.429 --> 00:14:51.669
we should have gone to child. And I think, first,
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we ought to have a toast by Don Wilson.
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Come on. Come on.
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Thank you, Jack.
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00:14:58.940 --> 00:15:02.090
Thank you, Jack. Here's to the good old automobile buyer.
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Here's to the man that uses the general tire. Here's
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to the silent safety trend.
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He's been raving like that for 26 weeks, but he's right. Now,
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our first speaker this evening will be that eminent, eminent,
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00:15:16.629 --> 00:15:21.110
eminent orchestra leader of the General Tire Program. See, 26 weeks,
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I said prior, isn't it? Right, of the General Tire Program, Mr.
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Don Besser. Don, have you a word for us?
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No, but the squirrels have.
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That was awfully good. And now we will hear from
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that charming little personality, the Shirley Temple of the air,
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but a bit older, Miss Mary Livingston.
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Yay!
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Hello, Mary.
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Guests of honor, ladies and gentlemen, waiters, kibitzers, and Jack Benny.
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I didn't expect to be called upon tonight, so I
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came prepared. I have been associated for the past 26
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00:15:53.629 --> 00:15:56.620
weeks with Jack Benny on the General Tire Program. I
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have stuck with him through thick and thin. He got thick,
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00:15:59.559 --> 00:16:02.620
and I got thin. It has been a very pleasant
377
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26 weeks. And, Jack, all I can say is, Labor Day, oh, Labor.
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00:16:07.730 --> 00:16:08.549
Day, you come to.
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00:16:12.029 --> 00:16:14.629
Mary fell off the chair, folks, but the play must
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00:16:14.690 --> 00:16:15.210
go on.
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00:16:15.309 --> 00:16:16.940
I didn't think they'd strike a lady.
382
00:16:17.440 --> 00:16:20.179
Now, how about a word from Burt Wheeler? Come on, Burt,
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00:16:21.480 --> 00:16:22.600
come on.
384
00:16:23.320 --> 00:16:26.649
Ladies and gentlemen, my contract does permit me.
385
00:16:28.539 --> 00:16:29.379
To say that I.
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00:16:29.360 --> 00:16:32.159
Have known Jack Benny for a good many years, and
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00:16:32.279 --> 00:16:34.120
circumstances haven't changed him.
388
00:16:34.460 --> 00:16:34.940
Thank you very much.
389
00:16:34.960 --> 00:16:39.799
Fifteen years ago, Jack and I played one-night stands together.
390
00:16:39.840 --> 00:16:42.919
All around this country, and the papers come out and
391
00:16:42.970 --> 00:16:46.850
said we were both a couple of bums. Here it is,
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00:16:46.850 --> 00:16:49.429
15 years later, and Jack hasn't changed a bit.
393
00:16:53.389 --> 00:16:55.950
Thank you, Bert. That eulogy brought tears to my eyes.
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00:16:56.429 --> 00:16:58.580
And after this program, I'll bring a few to yours.
395
00:16:59.500 --> 00:17:00.340
It's a date, guys.
396
00:17:00.399 --> 00:17:07.440
Yeah. And now just a word from Frank Parker. What
397
00:17:07.460 --> 00:17:09.079
have you got to say, Frank? Yippee!
398
00:17:09.119 --> 00:17:10.460
That's enough.
399
00:17:10.480 --> 00:17:11.690
That's enough.
400
00:17:12.569 --> 00:17:14.950
And now we will hear from that great citizen and
401
00:17:15.589 --> 00:17:20.589
honored leader of his community, Mr. J. DeWitt Schlepperman.
402
00:17:20.630 --> 00:17:20.809
Hi.
403
00:17:24.079 --> 00:17:28.970
Well, my jolly people, guests of honor, ladies and gentlemen.
404
00:17:29.029 --> 00:17:30.329
And so further.
405
00:17:31.490 --> 00:17:35.549
On a question that I am to public eating, I
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00:17:35.569 --> 00:17:37.619
would like to make a special speech in honor of
407
00:17:37.650 --> 00:17:38.799
the tip-top.
408
00:17:38.390 --> 00:17:39.200
Chairman, Mr.
409
00:17:39.400 --> 00:17:42.099
Judge Bennett. Here, here, here.
410
00:17:42.519 --> 00:17:51.690
Forty years ago, I came here from the Kentucky mountains.
411
00:17:51.950 --> 00:17:52.950
I was a hillbilly.
412
00:17:55.329 --> 00:17:56.450
But they called me Sam.
413
00:17:57.930 --> 00:17:58.650
Am I boring you?
414
00:18:00.849 --> 00:18:01.950
Yes, but go ahead.
415
00:18:03.529 --> 00:18:07.410
And this occasion reminds me of Abraham Lincoln's famous Ginzburg Address.
416
00:18:07.470 --> 00:18:08.430
That's Gettysburg.
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00:18:08.519 --> 00:18:08.859
Gettysburg.
418
00:18:08.920 --> 00:18:09.740
Thank you, thank you.
419
00:18:09.779 --> 00:18:11.759
Ginzburg. Thank you, thank you.
420
00:18:12.819 --> 00:18:16.599
And as Shakespeare once said it, all the world's a stage,
421
00:18:16.680 --> 00:18:21.799
but thank heaven Zed Ben is on the radio. And furthermore,
422
00:18:22.319 --> 00:18:24.180
what has he got that I ain't got?
423
00:18:25.039 --> 00:18:25.859
I've got this.
424
00:18:26.200 --> 00:18:29.079
The same thing happened to me.
425
00:18:30.740 --> 00:18:34.099
Oh, Jack, Jack, here's the telegram. Thanks, Don. Oh, it's
426
00:18:34.119 --> 00:18:37.660
from the telegram. Bill O'Neill, president of the General Tire
427
00:18:37.680 --> 00:18:41.500
and Rubber Company. Well, Jack Benny, care of NBC Studios
428
00:18:41.539 --> 00:18:44.279
New York. Gee, you read it, Wilson, will you? You know,
429
00:18:44.299 --> 00:18:46.279
it's embarrassing. All right, Jack.
430
00:18:46.640 --> 00:18:49.869
It says, Jack Benny, care of NBC Studios New York.
431
00:18:50.700 --> 00:18:54.599
Except for your interference on these programs, Don Wilson could
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00:18:54.640 --> 00:18:58.200
have told our audience much more about our new corkscrew tire.
433
00:18:58.460 --> 00:18:58.920
I see.
434
00:18:59.380 --> 00:19:02.220
You insist that the show's the thing, and on that score,
435
00:19:02.339 --> 00:19:05.160
I want to compliment you and the cast on 26
436
00:19:05.160 --> 00:19:06.700
weeks of fine entertainment.
437
00:19:06.960 --> 00:19:07.720
Well, that's better.
438
00:19:08.569 --> 00:19:11.130
Until we resume these programs next March, you will be
439
00:19:11.150 --> 00:19:15.630
broadcasting for General Foods. The only connection between General Foods
440
00:19:15.710 --> 00:19:19.049
and General Tires is that we eat their products and
441
00:19:19.109 --> 00:19:21.930
they wear ours. You have to live to be able
442
00:19:21.970 --> 00:19:25.299
to eat. So the more people we put on General Tires,
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00:19:25.700 --> 00:19:28.279
the more customers we keep for General Foods.
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00:19:28.960 --> 00:19:29.829
Signed, W.
445
00:19:29.900 --> 00:19:32.859
O'Neill, President, General Tire and Rubber Company.
446
00:19:37.859 --> 00:19:39.819
Well, all I can say is, on behalf of the
447
00:19:39.859 --> 00:19:42.759
entire cast, I want to thank you, Mr. O'Neill, the
448
00:19:42.799 --> 00:19:46.789
General Tire and Rubber Company, the National Broadcasting Company, and
449
00:19:46.849 --> 00:19:49.450
our listening audience for a most pleasant season on the air.
450
00:19:49.940 --> 00:19:51.400
And I'm glad to know that we will be with
451
00:19:51.440 --> 00:20:02.559
you again. Thank you very, very much. Play, Don. Well, folks,
452
00:20:02.599 --> 00:20:04.789
good night, and we'll be with you again on Sunday night,
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00:20:04.849 --> 00:20:07.970
October 14th. I hope you'll all be listening in. Thank you.
454
00:20:23.720 --> 00:20:25.640
This is the National Broadcasting Company.
455
00:20:32.059 --> 00:20:33.880
W-E-A-F, New York.
456
00:20:34.900 --> 00:20:38.710
The Jack Benny Program, last show of season, Rise of
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00:20:38.750 --> 00:20:43.089
the House of Rauchild. Until our next comedy broadcast, good night.
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