WEBVTT
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My dad, he made a big mistake, which led to my mom divorcing him.
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Instead of facing it, he took off.
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Our dad, who's who hasn't been in our lives, um, is now in the hospital, has a brain tumor.
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He doesn't even look like my dad anymore.
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He looks so different.
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He showed me a physical visual of like sin, what sin does to us.
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And the Lord like spoke to me.
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He's like, This isn't my wrath, Karina.
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This is my grace.
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Now I'm like struggling even more.
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Like, wait, this is not grace.
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And when I said that, he had tears flowing down his face.
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And then uh, that was the last time I talked to him.
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All right, here we go.
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Another episode of Life Upside Down.
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Uh, we're telling real stories of broken people that point to a living God in Karina.
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We've been telling a lot of our story, and you know, if you can't tell now, we are broken people, that's for sure.
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Oh, yeah.
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And so we're well into our story, and we're recapping, you know, really our life in the last 13 years and just how we've seen God move.
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Before we dive in, I I will say we left off where you were walking into the hospital, and your um, your dad was on the hospital bed, and the Lord ended up showing you some really powerful stuff.
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And so before we get in though, I want to give a little bit of a little bit more context of us as kids.
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You know, we we shared a little bit of you know our upbringing uh in our own stories, but Karina, I want you to open up with uh just a snapshot of who you were as a young one, maybe elementary middle school age.
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Um, I was a big brat.
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I was a big brat.
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It's funny because I feel like all the like my teachers and friends probably didn't think I was.
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Like I was a I was shy at school.
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Like a sour petition.
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I was shy.
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I was shy at elementary.
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Yeah.
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And like they thought I was just like sweet and kind and and I and I can be, but then with people that I was comfortable, is like if I don't have it my way, I can also give it a piece of my mind, throw a fit, cry.
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Um, but now I'm just a little brat.
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Now you're just a little brat.
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Maybe I have the Holy Spirit who convicts me, but I still have that that nature in me that wants to like throw a fit.
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I mean, I'm a little brat compared to how how bad I was.
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I was pretty bad.
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I remember you you told me you were uh a tomboy.
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So what does that look like to be a tomboy Korean at middle or elementary school?
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What were you doing that was tomboy?
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Uh oh, I dress like a boy basically.
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Oh yes.
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I mean, I always had like long basketball shorts.
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Uh I remember there's like t-shirt.
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You have a family picture where you're in this dress and you look so mad, and you told me it's because your mom made you put a dress.
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And it was like the ugliest dress, in my opinion.
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Like it couldn't even be it was such a 90s.
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I mean, I had the the bows and you love nineties stuff now.
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What are you talking about?
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No, not that dress.
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That dress will never come back.
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But and and then um also my hair was always like down and messy.
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Um, I didn't like brushing my hair.
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Oh my gosh.
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I like to just play outside and just like let me be free and wild.
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Yeah.
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And I look like a little caveman, but I don't know, a little cave, whatever.
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But like, um, so my mom brushed my hair and it was like really like slip back, like tight.
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Oh yes, I remember that.
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So like I probably cried from that and then like an ugly dress, ugly shoes.
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I heard that herbs to get the ponytail tight.
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So mad.
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And you know what?
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It's so funny because like every time I see pictures of like Hispanic families, like a lot of people don't smile.
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I wasn't smiling in that one.
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And I feel like I always smile in all my pictures.
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And that one, I'm like, Yeah, that's I knew I go, I was so mad because of that dress.
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I was mad because she brushed my hair, and and I still remember.
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Yeah.
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But my hair was always up in a pony, uh, long basketball shorts, oversized t-shirts, and like tennis shoes.
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Like that was just my sounds like a cutie.
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Yeah.
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That's funny.
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You you don't wear the basketball shorts anymore.
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A lot of sweatpants, though.
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Oh, sweatpants.
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But I'm also really pregnant, so too.
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So there's a reason for that.
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So all right, give you a picture of me.
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I was actually a bug eater, okay?
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And I it if you didn't know the Huskers, their old name was the bug eaters, just for a little uh fun fact, but it wasn't in that term, it was in the fact that I ate bugs.
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I remember being in fifth grade and I would just pop roll-pulleys in my mouth.
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Now, later on, through much counseling, I realized it's just for attention.
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Much counseling.
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I'm just kidding.
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Uh I think I just did it for attention.
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But I would just randomly eat bugs.
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I I remember eating a couple worms.
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I didn't chew them, okay, so it wasn't that gross, right?
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I'm just gonna pretend they're gummy worms.
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Yeah, they will pretend they were gummy worms.
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But anyway, and another funny thing is is like when I was in like I remember it was peak, like fifth grade, it peaked.
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Everyone said I looked like Jim Carrey.
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And they were just like, like, I would always try to really press into that.
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Like I was trying to be funny and goofy, got in a lot of trouble for just being a goofball in school.
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I was high age.
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You still look like I feel like when you shaved.
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Do I?
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You still and you were Jim Carrey for a while.
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I was Jim Carrey.
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I wonder if we'll put that picture up.
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But I was Jim Carrey this past Halloween uh for a staff meeting.
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It was really you needed a haircut anyway, so you let me give you the bowl cut.
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It was bad.
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It was really bad.
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So hopefully we can work that one in.
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That'll be fun.
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But anyway, it's so funny though, because like a big part of my identity for so long is the Miami Dolphins.
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Like, I remember having a shirt when I was like eight years old, or a jacket when I was eight.
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Like, I had a picture of it, and I was looking back recently, I'm like, why was I like when did I become a Miami Dolphins fan?
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Because they're like, you know, nowhere close to where we're at.
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Um, and I think I pinpointed it was Ace Ventura because Jim Carrey was in that movie with the Dolphins.
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He had to rescue the the mascot, and that's my only assumption, and it's so sad because literally I think I was probably a fan when I was like 2000 in 2000, and Dan Marino, they're one of the best quarterbacks ever, left in '99.
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And ever since I've been a fan, they've been terrible.
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So that's been about 30 years of my team being awful.
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Yeah, I was gonna say you've converted our boys, so we have three boys.
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Our two older ones are Miami Dolphin fans.
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Yeah, I don't know if they're die hardy.
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I can tell it's because dad is.
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Maybe it it they'll make it their own thing, but um, our four-year-old always goes again, he goes for the team that's not the dolphins.
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That's so interesting.
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And we actually asked him one time.
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We said one of their rivals.
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What was what was the team that was playing the Bills?
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It's like he says the Bills.
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It's in the their indivision rival.
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And he was like, I'm going for the Bills.
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I'm like, what?
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What are you doing?
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Well, when I asked him, I go, because I'm like legitimately, like, do you really are you just saying that?
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Or and I go, So why don't you like the Dolphins?
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And he goes, I like a team that wins.
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I'm like, okay, he knows.
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He knows why.
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He did say that.
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Oh my god.
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Oh my gosh.
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He's he's an observing kid in general.
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And so I'm just hoping and praying by the time my kids are like my age, maybe they'll be good, you know.
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Which it's that being said, the last two months in the season in this season of our life, since we've been like pursuing life upside down, I I didn't really watch any of football.
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And it's so funny because our our four-year-old noticed, and he goes, Dad, how come you don't like football anymore?
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And I'm like, Well, I just I've had more important things.
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Well, some they're not winning.
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And they suck.
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So if they were in the Super Bowl, I'd probably be watching more.
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But anyway, so that's little Ryan.
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I was a bug eater, kind of a weirdo, Miami Dolphins fan, and a lot of trouble.
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Jim Carrie.
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Anyway, uh, just just love giving a little bit more context to our life.
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And so now we're gonna jump back into the story.
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Karina, you just walked in to the hospital um and God showed you a lot.
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Yeah, so I I left off where we're talking about how we get this phone call.
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Our dad, who's who hasn't been in our lives, um, is now in the hospital, has a brain tumor.
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And so then basically he got so bad where we decided to put him on hospice, but now we're gonna transport him from Texas to where we're at.
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Um, just because this is where like, well, we're here, his siblings, aunts, uncles were all here.
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And so we um transport him over here.
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And now I get to see him because my sisters were in Texas taking care of him, and then um, but now he's in on hospice, so like he's sleeping and he's you know.
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Um, so I'm I'm preparing myself for like just your typical, I mean it's hard still, but your typical saying goodbye, grieving, seeing him one last time kind of stuff.
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I wasn't prepared for what the Lord was gonna show me.
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Um, and so you know, we get a babysitter because I'm like, I don't know how bad or good this is gonna be.
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So we go, I walk in the hospital, and just his appearance from the beginning is like intense.
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Um like you know, hospice like you're not eating, you're not drinking.
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So like he's dehydrated, he's like starving to death.
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And so he's so he doesn't even look like my dad anymore.
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He looks so different.
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Um, he's typically like my skin tone, maybe a little lighter, but now he's like dark and his skin looks like a raisin where it's so dehydrated.
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Um, and he just looks so tiny, like short and tiny.
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And um, and I I remember just observing like everything in his body.
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Like I'm feeling his hands, I'm looking at his face, his feet, hands, because I I'm trying to just take in as much as I can.
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This is the last time.
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So I'm yeah, trying to just vi I'm a visionary visual person.
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So and I mean, I also he was bringing through his mouth at this point, so I could see his like in his mouth, and his teeth are like cracked and shattered.
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And I I asked the nurse, like, so why are his teeth cracked?
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Like she made a a comment that when he was awake, like they tried chemo, um, and it didn't work, but be the chemo is basically burning him on the inside, and he they said he felt like he he made a comment to my aunts and stuff that he felt like like he was putting a microwave and uh and his bones, everything was burning up inside.
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So he would grind and clench really hard where his teeth were cracked and and like chipped, and then his tongue was like shriveled up so bad from how thirsty he was.
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Um and so I'm just seeing him and I'm like, oh, this is bad.
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Like I'm thinking, I I mean, I know you did bad things, so you know, walking away from your family is bad.
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Um, and I'm just like, what?
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Like how bad do you have to be for God to like because I'm seeing God's wrath.
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I'm like, what did you do to deserve this?
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Like I remember you saying that your aunts and your family were also kind of asking those same questions.
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Well, yeah, there's I mean, you know, my siblings are in there, um, and there's like aunts and uncles walking in now.
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I could kind of hear them in the hallway crying.
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Um, and like even they would say things like, you know, Lord, why, why?
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And why are you doing this to our brother?
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Like, how could you?
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And um, and they're questioning his goodness too.
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And and I'm wrestling with his goodness, like I'm I'm it's all in my head, obviously.
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With God's goodness, yeah.
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Like I'm just like having a conversation with my thoughts, like, God, like, why?
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Because I I'm like, you know, my mom died instantly in a car accident, so she went boom fast, right?
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So I'm like, was this necessary?
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Like, did he have to suffer like this, you know?
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And and I it's hard to see someone in that condition and think, like, oh yeah, God loves him, like God loves my dad.
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And yeah, and and like God loves us, like me and my sisters, because I'm like, we're crying, we're we're hurting by seeing him like this.
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I'm like, it's just hard to see a loving God with who has grace and mercy when everything looks so bad.
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And once again, I'm leaning on my own understanding, my own, you know, my own feelings.
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But I'm I'm asking those questions and and the Lord like spoke to me, and once again, it's not this audible voice, it's just like I feel like the Holy Spirit is just speaking to my spirit, and like I can feel what he's saying.
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So, you know, he's like, This isn't my wrath, Karina, this is my grace.
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And I'm just like, what?
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Like this this isn't grace, like this is and then now I'm like struggling even more.
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Like, this is not grace, like this is grace, that's not good.
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But I'm just like, no, and he was like, Yeah, Karina.
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I he because then and then I'm like, well, why why'd you why'd you have to do this?
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Why, why not quick, why not instant?
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Like he could have why didn't he like collapse when when his brain was so swollen?
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Why didn't he just instantly die?
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Like his brain gave out.
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Why and the Lord's like, you know, Karina, I he had to go through this because his pride was so strong.
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His pride was so strong, so real, that I had to like humble him, let him go through this pain and go through this.
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So he basically showed me like this is his grace, where like he's giving my dad a shot to like humble himself before he spends eternity in hell, you know?
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And so yeah, and so he's showing me like, no, the pride that your dad had was so bad that he had to come to the end of himself, like humble himself.
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And my dad's always been that kind of man, like I I can do it, I got it, you know, I'll figure it out.
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And I'm kind of like that too.
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But it's like and we're all prideful, right?
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Like we all have pride, but I truly believe that like his family line and his name has some kind of generational, like a really stronghold um with pride.
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Um and to give you an idea, it's like so his mom, my grandma's grandpa was um, he started revolution in Mexico, um, Chihuahua, and they have a statue of him, and she came from like money.
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Um, they had like a driver and like butler and stuff.
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This is stuff I've gathered from my uncles and my mom and my sister, but she comes from money, and they're just like, this is our name, this is who we are, where we come from.
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And um, and unfortunately, my my grandma had married with someone that they didn't approve of, so they she was kind of like pushed out.
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Um and then her husband was like an alcoholic, also prideful.
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He just said he seemed like a guy who was always trying to like um prove himself.
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And like like you were never good enough, or you know, and so he was really rough with my with my dad and my uncles and my aunts.
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I heard a story from my uncle um that when he was a young boy, like I think it's like 12 or 15 around that age, he got in trouble with him for something, and my grandpa like tied a rope around his neck and hung him on a tree.
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My gosh.
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Until he turned purple.
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And then he cut him down and told him next time you won't be so lucky.
00:15:51.039 --> 00:15:55.600
Just to give you an idea what kind of disciplinary he did.
00:15:55.840 --> 00:15:56.159
Yeah.
00:15:56.320 --> 00:15:59.440
Um, and like another one, my mom told me this.
00:15:59.919 --> 00:16:04.480
So my grandpa wasn't a fan of my mom because she came from nothing.
00:16:04.639 --> 00:16:12.879
My mom came from like a more super poverty, super like there's days where my mom my mom didn't eat sometimes.
00:16:12.960 --> 00:16:17.759
She's fainted from hunger before growing up, so she came from from like nothing.
00:16:17.919 --> 00:16:22.559
And so um, my grandpa was not okay with my dad being with her.
00:16:23.039 --> 00:16:32.080
And then my mom had my my sister, my older sister, and um, she had told me that my grandpa, like he set it on fire.
00:16:32.399 --> 00:16:33.440
Their house or something.
00:16:34.559 --> 00:16:41.759
Well, they had like a wood-burning stove, and he threw like gasoline or fuel or something in it, and it like just went everywhere.
00:16:41.840 --> 00:16:47.440
And so his intention was to burn her, like have her in there with my sister, and and she got out.
00:16:47.600 --> 00:16:52.480
So that was what my dad was growing up with.
00:16:52.639 --> 00:17:05.920
Um and so I feel like my dad was always I can I can it makes sense now as a parent and as an adult, like I can see like how he was always proving himself to society, yeah, trying to make something of himself.
00:17:06.160 --> 00:17:15.519
Um and like my dad, and just like looking back, like he was always he was always doing something, always striving to do something big.
00:17:15.680 --> 00:17:22.880
Like he managed a band and they toured and um they're getting pretty, pretty well known.
00:17:23.119 --> 00:17:46.079
And then um until like him and my mom divorced and he like went to Mexico, but he like was always even just with the house, the house I talked about with my mom, the one that she um left for us, when he bought that house, or when they bought it, um it was like probably the crappiest house in the block, but it was it was the biggest one.
00:17:46.400 --> 00:17:48.319
It was just it needed a lot of work.
00:17:48.880 --> 00:17:52.400
But he he was very visionary, like me, very visual.
00:17:52.559 --> 00:17:56.480
So he saw potential and he like worked non-stop.
00:17:56.720 --> 00:17:58.319
He fixed it up so nice.
00:17:58.480 --> 00:18:05.359
He like built this really nice new um driveway all around it, and then um like just made it really nice.
00:18:05.519 --> 00:18:20.079
It was the nicest house in the block, but he was always trying to like work for you know, build his name up and very materialistic, like who he is, what he does, where he lives, like what people say about him.
00:18:20.319 --> 00:18:45.839
Um, he was the cool fun uncle, and anyways, and then when he moved to Mexico, he was building a big house on some land over there, and like he would always talk about it, and um, and just that alone, it just shows you how like you know how scripture talks about to not have your treasures here on earth, like and and I saw that with my dad.
00:18:45.920 --> 00:18:58.079
It's like I always saw him working so hard for whether whether it's for him, like his name, or like what he what he owns, what he has, to say, hey, look at me, look who I am.
00:18:58.480 --> 00:19:01.119
And it like doesn't matter at the end, you know?
00:19:01.279 --> 00:19:07.680
Yeah, like at the end of the day, when he passed away and went down to the ground, there there went his name.
00:19:07.839 --> 00:19:13.039
There, there went like everything he worked for, the house that he worked so hard for.
00:19:13.359 --> 00:19:17.279
Um, you know, all the wood and everything, like it rotted.
00:19:17.359 --> 00:19:19.599
It's it the house fell apart.
00:19:19.839 --> 00:19:22.880
It's it's not the nicest house anymore.
00:19:23.440 --> 00:19:27.920
So like it just shows you how everything will crumble and fall, you know what I mean?
00:19:28.240 --> 00:19:38.640
Yeah, and and I think, you know, I think about as we think of where he was at, you know, as you're describing your visit with him, he's literally at the end of himself.
00:19:38.880 --> 00:20:01.279
He's like all the stuff you just talked about, and that's that's the danger of building your life around this system and this world and for these m you know, these physical treasures and temporary materials because like he's there and he can't take any of his whole life's purpose.
00:20:01.519 --> 00:20:15.359
Basically, he that's how he lived his life, chasing these things and and uh building up his name, which you know ended up you know kind of going downhill and and all the stuff he had, literally his life's work.
00:20:15.599 --> 00:20:26.799
And that's the danger of putting investing so much into this world, and that's where the Bible talks about like don't store up your treasures in heaven, or don't store up your treasure here on earth, but in heaven.
00:20:27.039 --> 00:20:36.000
And the the thing is, is like I literally feel like I was just five years old and I've blinked, and now I'm 35 years old, half halfway to 40.
00:20:36.640 --> 00:20:38.319
It's just like, what?
00:20:38.480 --> 00:20:45.200
Like, literally, I'm gonna blink again, and I will basically be almost 80 years old on my way to my deathbed.
00:20:45.359 --> 00:20:50.160
And it and and so time flies so fast, and I think that's the wisdom of the Bible right there.
00:20:50.400 --> 00:20:55.119
It's like, yeah, it feels like we, you know, it's like, man, these pleasures are so great.
00:20:55.200 --> 00:20:59.839
I'm sitting comfortable in this house, and you're gonna blink and it's all gonna be gone.
00:21:00.079 --> 00:21:07.279
You know, your family was talking about um and the nurses too, about how your dad is literally crying out to God saying, God, forgive me.
00:21:07.359 --> 00:21:08.240
I'm so sorry.
00:21:08.400 --> 00:21:13.279
So if you want to kind of bring it back to that moment with your dad and kind of some of that.
00:21:13.680 --> 00:21:21.599
Yeah, so um before he was asleep and he was awake in Texas, the my aunts and my sisters were there.
00:21:21.680 --> 00:21:28.079
They said that um he would wake up, you know, and he would scream, like, Lord, forgive me.
00:21:28.720 --> 00:21:30.400
Forgive me for everything.
00:21:30.480 --> 00:21:32.640
And he and like the nurses could hear him down the hall.
00:21:32.799 --> 00:21:38.559
So that's that's how much that the pain humbled him and brought him to God's feet.
00:21:38.640 --> 00:21:46.960
And I think that was a moment him and anybody, right, would see, oh shoot, like, yeah, I need something bigger than myself.
00:21:47.119 --> 00:21:50.480
Like, I'm not as big as I thought I was.
00:21:50.720 --> 00:21:59.759
Yeah, and you call on someone and something higher, and like God is that higher, and like sometimes pain in life needs to humble us, you know, like, oh yeah, we.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:01.440
Are not we're not God.
00:22:01.599 --> 00:22:03.839
We we we can't do this, you know.
00:22:04.079 --> 00:22:16.400
Um, and like in those times too, we're talking about how he invested so much time and effort on the materialism and his name and the things that this world says to Chase, which don't matter, right?
00:22:16.480 --> 00:22:17.519
At the end of the day.
00:22:17.759 --> 00:22:27.200
Um, but now he he was just so like he had very little time and he just wanted to like talk to us, like his kids.
00:22:27.599 --> 00:22:30.720
Like he just wanted to tell us so much.
00:22:30.960 --> 00:22:34.720
He wanted to tell us how much he loved us, how sorry he was.
00:22:34.960 --> 00:22:47.200
Um the things that you you should be doing throughout your life is like investing in your legacy and your children, because that's what remains when you're gone.
00:22:47.440 --> 00:22:51.359
That is how your name can be an impactful thing.
00:22:51.599 --> 00:23:00.960
Because when you're gone, they're gonna carry that legacy and that name and like your character and habits where like you might still get talked about.
00:23:01.039 --> 00:23:04.559
Like I still talk about my mom like all the time, you know?
00:23:04.880 --> 00:23:07.759
And that is where you really need to invest that.
00:23:07.839 --> 00:23:13.359
And and I think he's seen that like crap, like everything else failed me.
00:23:13.519 --> 00:23:15.279
Everything else doesn't matter.
00:23:15.839 --> 00:23:21.119
And we're over here, you know, and he just you can tell he just wants to tell us so much.
00:23:21.200 --> 00:23:26.480
And and and it's in between his his naps because he's starting to go to bed.
00:23:26.720 --> 00:23:27.920
And it was sad.
00:23:28.000 --> 00:23:33.359
It was like, you know, and there was times where I would FaceTime him and he would be like, Can you please come to Texas?
00:23:33.519 --> 00:23:36.640
Like, I just want and it's like, I can't, you know.
00:23:36.880 --> 00:23:37.119
Yeah.
00:23:37.279 --> 00:23:42.079
But it's like he has, I can only imagine he just has so much to say.
00:23:42.400 --> 00:23:45.920
Hey, it's Ryan, and I hope that you are enjoying this episode so far.
00:23:46.160 --> 00:23:52.960
Wanted to quickly let you know that we are a nonprofit podcast that is made possible in large part by donations.
00:23:53.279 --> 00:24:04.720
If this is a podcast that has encouraged you and you feel led to help support, you can head over to lifeusd.com slash donate or check the episode description for a direct link to our giving page.
00:24:04.880 --> 00:24:14.400
Whether it's a one-time donation or monthly support, every gift given helps us continue to tell real stories that point people back to our living God.
00:24:14.799 --> 00:24:17.279
So I was saying, like um, in that moment though.
00:24:17.359 --> 00:24:20.400
So I'm I'm seeing, okay, this is definitely your grace.
00:24:20.480 --> 00:24:26.160
Like it was such a humbling moment for me, too, because I'm over here like, oh gosh, God's wrath.
00:24:26.240 --> 00:24:28.480
And when he showed me, I'm like, oh shoot, I'm so sorry.
00:24:28.640 --> 00:24:31.599
Like this is this is so your grace.
00:24:31.680 --> 00:24:32.720
I'm so thankful.
00:24:32.880 --> 00:24:43.279
And now I'm seeing, wow, you really love him, because for you to be this holy, great God to go out of your way to still give him a one more chance.
00:24:43.440 --> 00:24:45.440
Like he's had so many chances in life.
00:24:45.839 --> 00:24:52.000
And he still gave him that one chance, you know, from spending eternity in hell.
00:24:52.720 --> 00:24:59.039
And like, um, and then like, and he cares about us because he's doing this for us, you know.
00:24:59.599 --> 00:25:03.759
And so now I'm saying, like, wow, you are this big loving God.
00:25:03.839 --> 00:25:05.440
You are this, you know.
00:25:05.680 --> 00:25:09.839
And I hate that, like, you know, God has to keep showing me that.
00:25:10.000 --> 00:25:14.079
It's like, how do I not know that already with uh everything that life has done?
00:25:14.400 --> 00:25:16.400
But I'm just like, wow, this is your grace.
00:25:16.480 --> 00:25:18.000
Everyone's still seeing God's wrath.
00:25:18.079 --> 00:25:22.880
And I'm like, wow, now I'm like in awe of him, even though everything still looks pretty bad.
00:25:23.039 --> 00:25:33.119
Um, but you know, and and just seeing my dad too, another thing he showed me was like, he showed me a physical visual of like sin, what sin does to us.
00:25:33.599 --> 00:25:38.400
Because like we we hear about sin and how it leads to death, and it does like spiritually, right?
00:25:38.640 --> 00:25:41.279
Sin, yeah, the cost is like hell, right?
00:25:41.440 --> 00:25:44.240
Punishment, this debt that we can't pay for.
00:25:44.319 --> 00:25:49.279
But like I'm seeing this physical, like what sin can literally do to you.
00:25:49.599 --> 00:25:50.880
To your actual physical body.
00:25:51.279 --> 00:25:51.519
Yes.
00:25:51.599 --> 00:25:52.720
And I was gonna touch on this.
00:25:52.880 --> 00:26:04.000
So um, I'm not gonna go in details, but my dad um he he made a big mistake and um and which led to my mom divorcing him.
00:26:04.240 --> 00:26:12.880
And instead of facing it and saying, I'm sorry, I did wrong, he took off.
00:26:13.359 --> 00:26:18.000
He just took off and started a whole new life in Mexico.
00:26:18.160 --> 00:26:26.240
Um and that's where he was like building his new his new house, his land, his name.
00:26:26.400 --> 00:26:27.839
Like he's just starting from scratch.
00:26:28.000 --> 00:26:33.519
But instead of facing his mistakes and owning up to them, he just ran.
00:26:34.160 --> 00:26:44.480
And I truly believe, this is my opinion, I truly believe that he couldn't face, he couldn't face the reality, so he made up a whole lie.
00:26:44.880 --> 00:27:07.440
Like till literally until his well, his deathbed is where he apologized, but like before he had this whole brain thing, cancer thing, he was telling everybody, like our aunts, uncles, everybody, like this whole story that was not true, like where he was a victim, and the victim was the one really the bad guy.
00:27:07.599 --> 00:27:17.119
And so he was playing this whole story and he kept going with it and going with it where I truly believe that he started to believe it.
00:27:18.319 --> 00:27:29.359
And and I just feel like I just don't think it's a coincidence that like this lie like turned into a brain, like brain cancer.
00:27:29.519 --> 00:27:30.880
Like, is that a coincidence?
00:27:31.119 --> 00:27:31.759
You know what I mean?
00:27:31.839 --> 00:27:48.400
Like because he was living this lie for a long time, and now he has brain cancer so big in his brain that like they couldn't get it all out, and it's like I just don't think it's a coincidence, but and it's that's a heavy, heavy burden to bear for so long.
00:27:48.559 --> 00:28:10.640
I so I remember in my story, I was 22 when I realized wow, I've messed up so much, I've made so many mistakes, and even that was like it was it took so much for me to humble myself, and that's that's the thing with the gospel, why it's so hard to follow Jesus, it takes so much humility, it takes so much, like, man, I suck.
00:28:10.880 --> 00:28:26.799
And I remember when I had to do that, and I feel like it's dangerous the older you get, and the more you kick that can down the road, and you just continue to just like uh ignore, run away, and you don't, you know, you don't own up to ultimately how like you are a sinner.
00:28:26.960 --> 00:28:29.119
We all are, every single one of us.
00:28:29.359 --> 00:28:38.240
Um it like I think it really does weigh on you, like you're saying, it can start to manifest in in other ways, and and it's like you know, your dad was pretty old.
00:28:38.319 --> 00:28:46.240
That's a lot of years of living in a lie and not not dealing with your issues, you know?
00:28:46.559 --> 00:28:47.599
Yeah, no, yeah.
00:28:47.680 --> 00:29:06.880
I think I think that that's my personal thing, and and so I'm seeing sin literally, um, how it just destroyed my dad, like that lie that he could have just surrendered it and been like and humbled himself back then and been like, I made a mistake, I'm not perfect, forgive me.
00:29:07.039 --> 00:29:11.599
Like, you know, he he carried on this lie and was just so prideful.
00:29:11.680 --> 00:29:16.240
And so anyway, so I'm seeing now sin in a physical form.
00:29:16.319 --> 00:29:22.160
And now it almost like scared me a little bit because now I'm like, shoot, do I have that?
00:29:22.400 --> 00:29:36.400
I know we all have pride, and even that, even the the generic pride that we all are born with, like I'm I'm even worried about that, and I'm worried about like generational, like, do I have that generational stronghold?
00:29:37.119 --> 00:29:41.519
And and even like the bit of pride that we all have, I didn't even want that.
00:29:41.680 --> 00:29:46.880
I'm like, I if this is what it's gonna do to me, I don't want that, you know, and it scared me.
00:29:47.039 --> 00:30:00.960
It made me analyze myself, and I'm just like, Lord, please, if there's anything in me, like pride or any sin that could do this to me, I need you to please show me because I don't want this, you know.
00:30:01.359 --> 00:30:10.240
And I love that point that you make because it to me, that's the biblical response to when you see um, you know, other people's sins and shortcomings.
00:30:10.319 --> 00:30:12.640
Like, I think it's okay for us to judge things.
00:30:12.720 --> 00:30:17.119
We can make judgments and be like, hey, he made some bad decisions, it's pretty obvious.
00:30:17.359 --> 00:30:22.240
But I think the biblical response in those situations is for us to look at ourselves, right?
00:30:22.400 --> 00:30:24.319
Ultimately, God is the judge of everybody.
00:30:24.400 --> 00:30:29.680
So like we don't necessarily have to figure out, oh, you know, well, that's gonna happen to my dad because he did this.
00:30:29.839 --> 00:30:33.920
No, you like were like, what do I have in me possibly?
00:30:34.079 --> 00:30:34.720
You know what I mean?
00:30:34.799 --> 00:30:35.759
And I think that's powerful.
00:30:35.839 --> 00:30:36.640
It's a great lesson.
00:30:36.880 --> 00:30:37.920
Yeah, yeah, thank you.
00:30:38.000 --> 00:30:41.920
And so, like I said, there's a there's quite a bit of revelation.
00:30:42.000 --> 00:30:43.200
There's a few things he shows me.
00:30:43.279 --> 00:30:46.880
He shows me the physical, what sin looks like in a physical form.
00:30:47.119 --> 00:30:54.160
He shows me um his grace when you know, and I'm battling wrath, no grace, you know.
00:30:54.400 --> 00:30:55.599
Yeah, so it was a lot.
00:30:55.759 --> 00:31:11.839
And then another thing was he showed me how short this life is because I had just we had our baby two weeks prior to this, and I remember like holding his hand, this tiny little fresh life who doesn't have memories yet.
00:31:12.000 --> 00:31:15.200
Like he hasn't begun making memories and living his life.
00:31:15.440 --> 00:31:27.119
And then when I'm saying goodbye to my dad, I'm holding his hand and I'm seeing someone saying goodbye to this world and saying goodbye to all the memories and everyone he he loved.
00:31:27.440 --> 00:31:30.880
And so I just saw how quick this life is.
00:31:31.279 --> 00:31:43.680
Um, I know you hear about it, you read about it, but it's just it was such a visual for me that it like hit home and it almost gave me this like, oh my gosh, like it made me want to take life a lot more serious.
00:31:43.839 --> 00:31:44.480
Yeah.
00:31:44.880 --> 00:31:49.839
And um, and it just because like I don't feel 32, you know, and I'm gonna be 33.
00:31:49.920 --> 00:31:56.160
I feel like I honestly feel like I'm like early 20s, and then and then I get humbled real quick that I'm not.
00:31:56.319 --> 00:32:00.559
But and you talk about how you were, you feel like you were just five yesterday.
00:32:00.960 --> 00:32:05.839
It goes fast, and that's if that's even if we actually live our full term.
00:32:05.920 --> 00:32:12.240
That's like you still have yeah, things can happen, you know, and you may not live your full term.
00:32:12.400 --> 00:32:15.759
So it's like, so life is really delicate, very short.
00:32:15.839 --> 00:32:22.240
And I just saw this glimpse of how fast from my baby to my dad, and I'm just like, oh my gosh.
00:32:22.480 --> 00:32:24.240
And so it was just so much.
00:32:24.400 --> 00:32:30.000
I remember like like, okay, God, like I was just like, I need, I need a break.
00:32:30.160 --> 00:32:31.440
This is a lot, you know.
00:32:31.599 --> 00:32:33.119
Like, I this is too much.
00:32:33.200 --> 00:32:34.640
I don't know why you're showing me this.
00:32:34.799 --> 00:32:36.000
Like, I don't know.
00:32:36.240 --> 00:32:38.319
I just wanted to say goodbye.
00:32:38.559 --> 00:32:40.240
And it was just a lot.
00:32:40.480 --> 00:32:44.720
And um, and then the final thing was like, you know, I'm overwhelmed.
00:32:44.799 --> 00:32:47.599
I'm I'm I'm crying.
00:32:47.680 --> 00:32:53.119
And then the nurse comes in because she's about to push more, like morphine, put more meds.
00:32:53.359 --> 00:32:57.039
And she told me that he was he was awake, like he's waking up.
00:32:57.200 --> 00:33:02.559
At this point, he's not opening his eyes anymore, but he's like conscious, so he could hear you.
00:33:02.640 --> 00:33:08.160
She's like, he can hear you, he can um, you know, if you if you hold his hand, he can feel you.
00:33:08.319 --> 00:33:11.839
And um, so if you want to say anything, you have like seconds.
00:33:11.920 --> 00:33:13.200
I'm gonna push meds in.
00:33:13.359 --> 00:33:16.799
And even that alone, I was very surprised that I even got to that point.
00:33:16.880 --> 00:33:21.119
I thought he was like almost like long gone where I can't say anything.
00:33:21.359 --> 00:33:21.920
That's a blessing.
00:33:22.160 --> 00:33:23.200
Um, it was a blessing.
00:33:23.440 --> 00:33:27.359
And so so now she's like, you know, say whatever you want.
00:33:27.519 --> 00:33:32.240
And and my sisters wanted me to say something because they were in Texas with him.
00:33:32.480 --> 00:33:37.680
And so, you know, they're just like, hey dad, Karina's here, and and I like start talking to him.
00:33:37.920 --> 00:33:43.200
And I just remember like the Lord was like, Karina, you need to tell him he was a good dad.
00:33:43.920 --> 00:33:49.680
And I start to struggle because I don't I don't feel like he was a good dad.
00:33:49.759 --> 00:33:54.240
I'm just like I don't want to lie to him, you know?
00:33:55.440 --> 00:34:00.000
And then God's like, no, Karina, he was a good dad.
00:34:00.240 --> 00:34:04.240
Cause he's like, You, you're going off of my standards.
00:34:04.400 --> 00:34:07.759
So, like to you, he's not, but he doesn't know me.
00:34:07.920 --> 00:34:10.880
He didn't know me, he didn't go off of my standards.
00:34:11.119 --> 00:34:12.960
He was going off of his own.
00:34:13.280 --> 00:34:19.679
And his standards are like, well, if I'm not like my dad, I must be a pretty good dad, you know.
00:34:19.760 --> 00:34:27.440
Like, yeah, he I mean, technically, technically, yeah, like, yeah, he didn't do any of the things his dad and what he went through.
00:34:27.679 --> 00:34:35.360
So really, he wasn't, you know, in his understanding, he did everything he could to not ever give us that childhood.
00:34:35.679 --> 00:34:36.000
Yeah.
00:34:36.239 --> 00:34:38.079
And so he did his best.
00:34:38.320 --> 00:34:47.039
And the Lord's like, no, he did his best with what he knew, with what he grew up with, and he did everything he could to not be that guy.
00:34:47.760 --> 00:34:49.679
And so he was a good dad.
00:34:50.079 --> 00:34:54.400
And when like when he told me that, it made a lot of sense.
00:34:54.639 --> 00:34:58.800
So I told him, you know, like, you, you know, thank you.
00:34:58.960 --> 00:34:59.519
I love you.
00:34:59.679 --> 00:35:01.440
And you were a really good dad.
00:35:01.519 --> 00:35:04.960
And when I said that, he had tears flowing down his face.
00:35:05.760 --> 00:35:09.039
And then um, that was the last time I talked to him.
00:35:10.880 --> 00:35:11.519
Yeah.
00:35:15.440 --> 00:35:16.000
Sorry.
00:35:30.559 --> 00:35:35.360
Yeah, so that's really powerful stuff there.
00:35:35.519 --> 00:35:43.039
And I remember you telling me, like, you know, your dad left when you were seven, and you actually had a lot of good memories of him when you were younger.
00:35:43.360 --> 00:35:50.800
I want you to touch on some of those and and just kind of honestly honor him a little bit and and talk about some of those good things that you remember of him.
00:35:51.119 --> 00:36:05.119
Yeah, well, I was a daddy's girl, and I I think I was just a a tomboy, and I honestly think it started off because I wanted to be like him, because in my eyes, it's like, oh wow, he is like he's doing big things, he's a cool guy.
00:36:05.360 --> 00:36:05.679
Yeah.
00:36:05.920 --> 00:36:13.840
Um, but like I remember him like, you know, just teaching me how to ride my bike and like always telling me like don't give up.
00:36:13.920 --> 00:36:17.440
So I think a lot of who I am though it is like him.
00:36:17.519 --> 00:36:26.639
Like I have, I'm a visionary, and I I think I saw him always showing me that you can do something if you put your mind to it.
00:36:27.199 --> 00:36:48.559
You know, because he, you know, yes, his mom's family came for money, but he didn't because like, you know, she was kind of um so he had to almost like rebuild that and and and just like I want to honor just that that life of of coming and making a life here, coming from Mexico.
00:36:49.119 --> 00:36:57.679
Like, you know, I've you know, I've talked to some of your family and some of my f family and just people that I know, like that is so powerful.
00:36:57.840 --> 00:36:59.199
That is so hard.
00:36:59.440 --> 00:37:07.199
You know, I I talk about sometimes how I'm like a spoiled American, and you know, like I don't know any other language except English.
00:37:07.280 --> 00:37:15.039
Like, I cannot fathom going to another country where I don't understand the language and making a living and making a way.
00:37:15.199 --> 00:37:28.159
Yeah, and so like that is like I commend that right there, and for for his whole family, like bringing his you know, his wife and his kids, but then even his sisters and his brothers, like making a way for the family, you know what I mean?
00:37:28.400 --> 00:37:40.400
Yeah, no, he's a hard worker, like he came um here with like um some kind of working visa, and and he just I think he just was like, yeah, he wanted his family to experience that.
00:37:40.559 --> 00:37:46.079
And but he um he taught me how to work hard, like I always saw him working.
00:37:46.159 --> 00:37:49.679
He was never just yeah, sin watching TV.
00:37:49.920 --> 00:37:53.199
If he did, it was like late at night when he was done doing everything.
00:37:53.360 --> 00:37:58.079
But he also showed me like you can do whatever you want if you put your mind to it.
00:37:58.400 --> 00:38:07.679
Um yeah, and you can come from nothing and be someone and um and and and before he left, like I think he was there for me.
00:38:07.760 --> 00:38:13.280
Like he taught me how to ride my bike, he always, you know, try to teach me new things.
00:38:13.440 --> 00:38:18.719
Um, he's the one who taught me how to properly eat, what grab my silverware and be proper.
00:38:18.880 --> 00:38:20.000
And then I showed you.
00:38:20.239 --> 00:38:21.280
Yeah, you showed me.
00:38:21.440 --> 00:38:22.800
I definitely needed help there.
00:38:23.039 --> 00:38:27.119
But uh I also remember you talking about how you were a brat and then you got your first bank in.
00:38:27.280 --> 00:38:28.320
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:38:28.320 --> 00:38:33.039
And I think he I think he spoiled me and made me a brat, but then one time I talked back.
00:38:33.119 --> 00:38:36.000
I think that's where I learned, okay, yeah, just don't talk back.
00:38:36.239 --> 00:38:37.039
Just don't talk.
00:38:37.280 --> 00:38:37.440
Yeah.
00:38:37.519 --> 00:38:48.639
But um, no, so I think there's a lot, and I I know there's a reason why um it was a big impact when he was out of my life because he had a big impact when he was in it.
00:38:48.960 --> 00:38:53.119
It's just it just sucks that it was that's how it happened.
00:38:53.280 --> 00:38:54.000
You know what I mean?
00:38:54.320 --> 00:39:02.480
But and I'm thankful we uh he ended up coming back um at some point, and I got to take our kids and you got to meet him.
00:39:03.280 --> 00:39:05.119
Was it the first two or three of three?
00:39:05.199 --> 00:39:07.920
Rylan was like Rylan or she was less than one.
00:39:08.400 --> 00:39:12.960
She was less than one, so we actually have a picture of him with with some of our kids, and yeah.
00:39:13.760 --> 00:39:18.000
I was glad that I got to meet, introduce you, and yeah, you got to meet my kids.
00:39:18.239 --> 00:39:18.639
I did.
00:39:18.800 --> 00:39:19.280
Yeah, yeah.
00:39:19.519 --> 00:39:25.440
I want to dive in a little bit to a little bit more about pride and just kind of touch on that specifically.
00:39:25.760 --> 00:39:54.079
Pride is such a powerful, a powerful thing, and and we actually just watched that animated movie recently, David, and I remember like Saul, you know, he's king, and there were so many moments where he was so close on the edge of like his pride breaking down, and he's having these moments where he's like, Oh, he won you can tell, like he wants to surrender to God's will.
00:39:54.239 --> 00:40:01.039
He wants to let it go, but like his pride is so strong, and it makes it so hard for him.
00:40:01.119 --> 00:40:22.880
And that is really like you know, the lesson here is just again, like we were talking about earlier, like pride can be such a dangerous thing to to let it's like you just let a little bit in for just a you know, just the littlest bit, and it can just start to grow, and you don't even realize it, and before you know it, you are just like completely lost.
00:40:22.960 --> 00:40:29.360
And like I said, when I think of Saul, all the times he was so close, and yet he continues to harden his heart.
00:40:29.599 --> 00:40:32.559
Another one is Pharaoh, you know, in Exodus.
00:40:32.639 --> 00:40:38.400
Like he it's almost like he kind of almost gets there, but then he hardens his heart again, and and pride is a real battle.
00:40:38.639 --> 00:40:43.840
Yeah, I think it's essentially it's like when we pretend to be God, like you know, we got under control.
00:40:43.920 --> 00:40:46.400
We don't need, we don't need you anymore.
00:40:47.280 --> 00:40:51.840
So, yeah, so now at this point, um, this revelation, I shared it with you.
00:40:51.920 --> 00:40:53.840
I think I didn't tell you right away.
00:40:54.079 --> 00:41:00.000
You, I think you thought I was just grieving, like you're typical, but I wasn't ready to share it because it was a lot.
00:41:00.079 --> 00:41:03.360
I was still trying to process like what the heck is going on?
00:41:03.519 --> 00:41:05.360
Why did you show me all this?
00:41:05.679 --> 00:41:11.599
You know, and the thing is like I was doing everything I could before this, before my baby was born.
00:41:11.760 --> 00:41:22.559
I was really taking care of myself to not fall in postpartum depression because I struggle with it with every baby, not super bad, but just where I just feel down for a while.
00:41:22.719 --> 00:41:30.719
And so I I mean I slept early, I slept more, I ate good, I and then boom, this happens.
00:41:30.960 --> 00:41:37.920
And now I fell into the darkest, like hardest depression ever.
00:41:38.079 --> 00:41:44.559
And I even took a year off of school because I was like, I almost tried going because of my pride.
00:41:45.280 --> 00:41:47.679
Like, no, I I must keep going.
00:41:48.159 --> 00:41:52.400
And I was like, I am not in any place to be.
00:41:52.480 --> 00:42:02.079
I mean, I was waking up crying, like longing for death, never hurting myself, nothing, but I was just like, why am I awake?
00:42:02.320 --> 00:42:07.360
Because all these feelings, all these emotions from what I experienced would come back.
00:42:07.440 --> 00:42:09.360
And I'm like, I don't know what to do with this information.
00:42:09.440 --> 00:42:11.679
I don't, I just wanna, I don't know.
00:42:11.840 --> 00:42:13.360
You know, why did you trust me with this?
00:42:13.440 --> 00:42:14.559
Why did you tell me this?
00:42:14.719 --> 00:42:14.960
Yeah.
00:42:15.119 --> 00:42:24.239
Um, so now I I finally shared with you everything you showed me, and you were like, holy crap, like you were just mind-blown, like, wow, that's crazy.
00:42:24.559 --> 00:42:25.440
That was, I remember that.
00:42:25.599 --> 00:42:26.559
It was so powerful.
00:42:26.719 --> 00:42:30.320
I think after that we decided, like, you probably just needed to take a break.
00:42:30.480 --> 00:42:32.400
You took some time off of school.
00:42:32.559 --> 00:42:36.000
I think you stepped away from your part-time job at that point.
00:42:36.320 --> 00:42:47.760
And this was a moment where the Lord really started working in me, and he was just saying, All right, Ryan, it's time for you to step up and be the provider that I'm calling you to be.
00:42:48.400 --> 00:42:55.519
We've got plenty more of the story to come, so make sure to subscribe and turn on those notifications so you're never left out on what's to come.
00:00:00.080 --> 00:00:05.440
My dad, he made a big mistake, which led to my mom divorcing him.
00:00:05.759 --> 00:00:10.240
Instead of facing it, he took off.
00:00:10.720 --> 00:00:17.679
Our dad, who's who hasn't been in our lives, um, is now in the hospital, has a brain tumor.
00:00:17.839 --> 00:00:19.359
He doesn't even look like my dad anymore.
00:00:19.519 --> 00:00:21.199
He looks so different.
00:00:21.519 --> 00:00:26.239
He showed me a physical visual of like sin, what sin does to us.
00:00:26.719 --> 00:00:28.320
And the Lord like spoke to me.
00:00:28.399 --> 00:00:30.480
He's like, This isn't my wrath, Karina.
00:00:30.640 --> 00:00:31.600
This is my grace.
00:00:31.839 --> 00:00:33.840
Now I'm like struggling even more.
00:00:34.159 --> 00:00:36.240
Like, wait, this is not grace.
00:00:36.640 --> 00:00:40.159
And when I said that, he had tears flowing down his face.
00:00:40.960 --> 00:00:44.560
And then uh, that was the last time I talked to him.
00:00:48.240 --> 00:00:49.200
All right, here we go.
00:00:49.359 --> 00:00:51.759
Another episode of Life Upside Down.
00:00:51.840 --> 00:00:56.079
Uh, we're telling real stories of broken people that point to a living God in Karina.
00:00:56.240 --> 00:01:01.520
We've been telling a lot of our story, and you know, if you can't tell now, we are broken people, that's for sure.
00:01:01.679 --> 00:01:02.079
Oh, yeah.
00:01:02.240 --> 00:01:09.280
And so we're well into our story, and we're recapping, you know, really our life in the last 13 years and just how we've seen God move.
00:01:09.439 --> 00:01:22.480
Before we dive in, I I will say we left off where you were walking into the hospital, and your um, your dad was on the hospital bed, and the Lord ended up showing you some really powerful stuff.
00:01:22.799 --> 00:01:29.200
And so before we get in though, I want to give a little bit of a little bit more context of us as kids.
00:01:29.359 --> 00:01:42.640
You know, we we shared a little bit of you know our upbringing uh in our own stories, but Karina, I want you to open up with uh just a snapshot of who you were as a young one, maybe elementary middle school age.
00:01:43.040 --> 00:01:45.359
Um, I was a big brat.
00:01:45.599 --> 00:01:46.879
I was a big brat.
00:01:47.120 --> 00:01:51.120
It's funny because I feel like all the like my teachers and friends probably didn't think I was.
00:01:51.280 --> 00:01:52.799
Like I was a I was shy at school.
00:01:53.040 --> 00:01:53.760
Like a sour petition.
00:01:53.840 --> 00:01:54.079
I was shy.
00:01:54.719 --> 00:01:55.920
I was shy at elementary.
00:01:56.079 --> 00:01:56.319
Yeah.
00:01:56.560 --> 00:02:08.879
And like they thought I was just like sweet and kind and and I and I can be, but then with people that I was comfortable, is like if I don't have it my way, I can also give it a piece of my mind, throw a fit, cry.
00:02:09.280 --> 00:02:11.759
Um, but now I'm just a little brat.
00:02:12.080 --> 00:02:13.039
Now you're just a little brat.
00:02:14.000 --> 00:02:21.280
Maybe I have the Holy Spirit who convicts me, but I still have that that nature in me that wants to like throw a fit.
00:02:21.439 --> 00:02:23.840
I mean, I'm a little brat compared to how how bad I was.
00:02:23.919 --> 00:02:24.560
I was pretty bad.
00:02:24.800 --> 00:02:28.719
I remember you you told me you were uh a tomboy.
00:02:29.439 --> 00:02:34.479
So what does that look like to be a tomboy Korean at middle or elementary school?
00:02:34.639 --> 00:02:36.000
What were you doing that was tomboy?
00:02:36.080 --> 00:02:38.159
Uh oh, I dress like a boy basically.
00:02:38.319 --> 00:02:38.639
Oh yes.
00:02:39.039 --> 00:02:42.159
I mean, I always had like long basketball shorts.
00:02:42.400 --> 00:02:44.240
Uh I remember there's like t-shirt.
00:02:44.479 --> 00:02:52.479
You have a family picture where you're in this dress and you look so mad, and you told me it's because your mom made you put a dress.
00:02:52.879 --> 00:02:55.039
And it was like the ugliest dress, in my opinion.
00:02:55.199 --> 00:02:57.840
Like it couldn't even be it was such a 90s.
00:02:57.919 --> 00:03:01.520
I mean, I had the the bows and you love nineties stuff now.
00:03:01.599 --> 00:03:02.159
What are you talking about?
00:03:02.400 --> 00:03:03.120
No, not that dress.
00:03:03.199 --> 00:03:04.479
That dress will never come back.
00:03:04.639 --> 00:03:10.479
But and and then um also my hair was always like down and messy.
00:03:10.960 --> 00:03:12.879
Um, I didn't like brushing my hair.
00:03:13.120 --> 00:03:13.680
Oh my gosh.
00:03:14.000 --> 00:03:17.439
I like to just play outside and just like let me be free and wild.
00:03:17.599 --> 00:03:17.840
Yeah.
00:03:18.639 --> 00:03:23.199
And I look like a little caveman, but I don't know, a little cave, whatever.
00:03:23.439 --> 00:03:28.319
But like, um, so my mom brushed my hair and it was like really like slip back, like tight.
00:03:28.560 --> 00:03:29.439
Oh yes, I remember that.
00:03:29.599 --> 00:03:33.520
So like I probably cried from that and then like an ugly dress, ugly shoes.
00:03:33.919 --> 00:03:35.680
I heard that herbs to get the ponytail tight.
00:03:36.080 --> 00:03:36.400
So mad.
00:03:36.479 --> 00:03:36.960
And you know what?
00:03:37.039 --> 00:03:42.159
It's so funny because like every time I see pictures of like Hispanic families, like a lot of people don't smile.
00:03:42.240 --> 00:03:43.439
I wasn't smiling in that one.
00:03:43.520 --> 00:03:45.520
And I feel like I always smile in all my pictures.
00:03:45.759 --> 00:03:50.159
And that one, I'm like, Yeah, that's I knew I go, I was so mad because of that dress.
00:03:50.240 --> 00:03:53.840
I was mad because she brushed my hair, and and I still remember.
00:03:54.080 --> 00:03:54.400
Yeah.
00:03:54.560 --> 00:04:00.800
But my hair was always up in a pony, uh, long basketball shorts, oversized t-shirts, and like tennis shoes.
00:04:00.879 --> 00:04:03.280
Like that was just my sounds like a cutie.
00:04:03.439 --> 00:04:03.599
Yeah.
00:04:03.919 --> 00:04:04.479
That's funny.
00:04:04.800 --> 00:04:06.560
You you don't wear the basketball shorts anymore.
00:04:06.719 --> 00:04:07.599
A lot of sweatpants, though.
00:04:07.840 --> 00:04:08.400
Oh, sweatpants.
00:04:08.639 --> 00:04:10.319
But I'm also really pregnant, so too.
00:04:10.400 --> 00:04:11.520
So there's a reason for that.
00:04:11.599 --> 00:04:13.840
So all right, give you a picture of me.
00:04:14.000 --> 00:04:16.160
I was actually a bug eater, okay?
00:04:16.399 --> 00:04:26.879
And I it if you didn't know the Huskers, their old name was the bug eaters, just for a little uh fun fact, but it wasn't in that term, it was in the fact that I ate bugs.
00:04:27.360 --> 00:04:32.000
I remember being in fifth grade and I would just pop roll-pulleys in my mouth.
00:04:32.240 --> 00:04:36.639
Now, later on, through much counseling, I realized it's just for attention.
00:04:36.959 --> 00:04:37.519
Much counseling.
00:04:37.839 --> 00:04:38.480
I'm just kidding.
00:04:38.560 --> 00:04:40.240
Uh I think I just did it for attention.
00:04:40.319 --> 00:04:41.920
But I would just randomly eat bugs.
00:04:42.000 --> 00:04:43.759
I I remember eating a couple worms.
00:04:43.920 --> 00:04:46.560
I didn't chew them, okay, so it wasn't that gross, right?
00:04:46.720 --> 00:04:48.560
I'm just gonna pretend they're gummy worms.
00:04:48.800 --> 00:04:50.480
Yeah, they will pretend they were gummy worms.
00:04:50.800 --> 00:04:56.480
But anyway, and another funny thing is is like when I was in like I remember it was peak, like fifth grade, it peaked.
00:04:56.639 --> 00:04:58.480
Everyone said I looked like Jim Carrey.
00:04:58.560 --> 00:05:02.720
And they were just like, like, I would always try to really press into that.
00:05:02.800 --> 00:05:08.959
Like I was trying to be funny and goofy, got in a lot of trouble for just being a goofball in school.
00:05:09.120 --> 00:05:09.759
I was high age.
00:05:10.000 --> 00:05:11.439
You still look like I feel like when you shaved.
00:05:11.600 --> 00:05:11.839
Do I?
00:05:12.000 --> 00:05:13.920
You still and you were Jim Carrey for a while.
00:05:14.160 --> 00:05:14.959
I was Jim Carrey.
00:05:15.040 --> 00:05:16.240
I wonder if we'll put that picture up.
00:05:16.399 --> 00:05:20.480
But I was Jim Carrey this past Halloween uh for a staff meeting.
00:05:20.560 --> 00:05:23.920
It was really you needed a haircut anyway, so you let me give you the bowl cut.
00:05:24.240 --> 00:05:24.959
It was bad.
00:05:25.120 --> 00:05:25.920
It was really bad.
00:05:26.000 --> 00:05:27.759
So hopefully we can work that one in.
00:05:27.839 --> 00:05:28.480
That'll be fun.
00:05:28.720 --> 00:05:34.800
But anyway, it's so funny though, because like a big part of my identity for so long is the Miami Dolphins.
00:05:34.959 --> 00:05:39.439
Like, I remember having a shirt when I was like eight years old, or a jacket when I was eight.
00:05:39.519 --> 00:05:45.439
Like, I had a picture of it, and I was looking back recently, I'm like, why was I like when did I become a Miami Dolphins fan?
00:05:45.519 --> 00:05:49.120
Because they're like, you know, nowhere close to where we're at.
00:05:49.360 --> 00:05:54.800
Um, and I think I pinpointed it was Ace Ventura because Jim Carrey was in that movie with the Dolphins.
00:05:54.879 --> 00:06:09.120
He had to rescue the the mascot, and that's my only assumption, and it's so sad because literally I think I was probably a fan when I was like 2000 in 2000, and Dan Marino, they're one of the best quarterbacks ever, left in '99.
00:06:09.199 --> 00:06:11.759
And ever since I've been a fan, they've been terrible.
00:06:12.079 --> 00:06:16.319
So that's been about 30 years of my team being awful.
00:06:16.560 --> 00:06:20.399
Yeah, I was gonna say you've converted our boys, so we have three boys.
00:06:20.720 --> 00:06:22.879
Our two older ones are Miami Dolphin fans.
00:06:22.959 --> 00:06:24.639
Yeah, I don't know if they're die hardy.
00:06:24.879 --> 00:06:26.480
I can tell it's because dad is.
00:06:26.720 --> 00:06:35.199
Maybe it it they'll make it their own thing, but um, our four-year-old always goes again, he goes for the team that's not the dolphins.
00:06:35.519 --> 00:06:36.079
That's so interesting.
00:06:36.240 --> 00:06:38.160
And we actually asked him one time.
00:06:38.319 --> 00:06:40.000
We said one of their rivals.
00:06:40.240 --> 00:06:41.839
What was what was the team that was playing the Bills?
00:06:42.000 --> 00:06:44.319
It's like he says the Bills.
00:06:44.639 --> 00:06:46.399
It's in the their indivision rival.
00:06:46.560 --> 00:06:48.240
And he was like, I'm going for the Bills.
00:06:48.399 --> 00:06:48.879
I'm like, what?
00:06:49.040 --> 00:06:49.439
What are you doing?
00:06:49.680 --> 00:06:54.879
Well, when I asked him, I go, because I'm like legitimately, like, do you really are you just saying that?
00:06:54.959 --> 00:06:57.519
Or and I go, So why don't you like the Dolphins?
00:06:57.680 --> 00:07:00.560
And he goes, I like a team that wins.
00:07:01.199 --> 00:07:02.959
I'm like, okay, he knows.
00:07:03.120 --> 00:07:03.680
He knows why.
00:07:05.279 --> 00:07:06.480
He did say that.
00:07:06.639 --> 00:07:07.439
Oh my god.
00:07:07.600 --> 00:07:08.480
Oh my gosh.
00:07:08.720 --> 00:07:11.439
He's he's an observing kid in general.
00:07:11.600 --> 00:07:18.160
And so I'm just hoping and praying by the time my kids are like my age, maybe they'll be good, you know.
00:07:18.319 --> 00:07:28.959
Which it's that being said, the last two months in the season in this season of our life, since we've been like pursuing life upside down, I I didn't really watch any of football.
00:07:29.120 --> 00:07:34.160
And it's so funny because our our four-year-old noticed, and he goes, Dad, how come you don't like football anymore?
00:07:34.240 --> 00:07:36.319
And I'm like, Well, I just I've had more important things.
00:07:36.560 --> 00:07:37.519
Well, some they're not winning.
00:07:37.839 --> 00:07:38.399
And they suck.
00:07:38.480 --> 00:07:40.959
So if they were in the Super Bowl, I'd probably be watching more.
00:07:41.040 --> 00:07:43.040
But anyway, so that's little Ryan.
00:07:43.120 --> 00:07:46.399
I was a bug eater, kind of a weirdo, Miami Dolphins fan, and a lot of trouble.
00:07:46.639 --> 00:07:46.959
Jim Carrie.
00:07:48.480 --> 00:07:52.399
Anyway, uh, just just love giving a little bit more context to our life.
00:07:52.560 --> 00:07:55.120
And so now we're gonna jump back into the story.
00:07:55.360 --> 00:07:59.920
Karina, you just walked in to the hospital um and God showed you a lot.
00:08:00.240 --> 00:08:04.079
Yeah, so I I left off where we're talking about how we get this phone call.
00:08:04.240 --> 00:08:11.199
Our dad, who's who hasn't been in our lives, um, is now in the hospital, has a brain tumor.
00:08:11.279 --> 00:08:20.319
And so then basically he got so bad where we decided to put him on hospice, but now we're gonna transport him from Texas to where we're at.
00:08:20.480 --> 00:08:26.000
Um, just because this is where like, well, we're here, his siblings, aunts, uncles were all here.
00:08:26.160 --> 00:08:29.199
And so we um transport him over here.
00:08:29.759 --> 00:08:39.600
And now I get to see him because my sisters were in Texas taking care of him, and then um, but now he's in on hospice, so like he's sleeping and he's you know.
00:08:40.080 --> 00:08:51.519
Um, so I'm I'm preparing myself for like just your typical, I mean it's hard still, but your typical saying goodbye, grieving, seeing him one last time kind of stuff.
00:08:51.679 --> 00:08:54.960
I wasn't prepared for what the Lord was gonna show me.
00:08:55.200 --> 00:09:01.919
Um, and so you know, we get a babysitter because I'm like, I don't know how bad or good this is gonna be.
00:09:02.639 --> 00:09:09.919
So we go, I walk in the hospital, and just his appearance from the beginning is like intense.
00:09:10.159 --> 00:09:14.159
Um like you know, hospice like you're not eating, you're not drinking.
00:09:14.320 --> 00:09:19.919
So like he's dehydrated, he's like starving to death.
00:09:20.000 --> 00:09:22.720
And so he's so he doesn't even look like my dad anymore.
00:09:22.799 --> 00:09:24.320
He looks so different.
00:09:24.559 --> 00:09:33.200
Um, he's typically like my skin tone, maybe a little lighter, but now he's like dark and his skin looks like a raisin where it's so dehydrated.
00:09:33.440 --> 00:09:38.000
Um, and he just looks so tiny, like short and tiny.
00:09:38.159 --> 00:09:42.480
And um, and I I remember just observing like everything in his body.
00:09:42.559 --> 00:09:49.440
Like I'm feeling his hands, I'm looking at his face, his feet, hands, because I I'm trying to just take in as much as I can.
00:09:49.600 --> 00:09:50.559
This is the last time.
00:09:50.639 --> 00:09:54.240
So I'm yeah, trying to just vi I'm a visionary visual person.
00:09:54.399 --> 00:10:05.679
So and I mean, I also he was bringing through his mouth at this point, so I could see his like in his mouth, and his teeth are like cracked and shattered.
00:10:05.759 --> 00:10:10.240
And I I asked the nurse, like, so why are his teeth cracked?
00:10:10.480 --> 00:10:34.320
Like she made a a comment that when he was awake, like they tried chemo, um, and it didn't work, but be the chemo is basically burning him on the inside, and he they said he felt like he he made a comment to my aunts and stuff that he felt like like he was putting a microwave and uh and his bones, everything was burning up inside.
00:10:35.200 --> 00:10:45.039
So he would grind and clench really hard where his teeth were cracked and and like chipped, and then his tongue was like shriveled up so bad from how thirsty he was.
00:10:45.360 --> 00:10:50.399
Um and so I'm just seeing him and I'm like, oh, this is bad.
00:10:50.559 --> 00:10:58.000
Like I'm thinking, I I mean, I know you did bad things, so you know, walking away from your family is bad.
00:10:58.159 --> 00:11:00.480
Um, and I'm just like, what?
00:11:00.639 --> 00:11:06.720
Like how bad do you have to be for God to like because I'm seeing God's wrath.
00:11:06.799 --> 00:11:09.679
I'm like, what did you do to deserve this?
00:11:09.840 --> 00:11:16.799
Like I remember you saying that your aunts and your family were also kind of asking those same questions.
00:11:17.120 --> 00:11:22.399
Well, yeah, there's I mean, you know, my siblings are in there, um, and there's like aunts and uncles walking in now.
00:11:22.559 --> 00:11:25.519
I could kind of hear them in the hallway crying.
00:11:25.679 --> 00:11:31.279
Um, and like even they would say things like, you know, Lord, why, why?
00:11:31.440 --> 00:11:33.440
And why are you doing this to our brother?
00:11:33.759 --> 00:11:34.720
Like, how could you?
00:11:34.879 --> 00:11:38.000
And um, and they're questioning his goodness too.
00:11:38.080 --> 00:11:42.399
And and I'm wrestling with his goodness, like I'm I'm it's all in my head, obviously.
00:11:42.639 --> 00:11:43.840
With God's goodness, yeah.
00:11:43.919 --> 00:11:48.080
Like I'm just like having a conversation with my thoughts, like, God, like, why?
00:11:48.320 --> 00:11:54.399
Because I I'm like, you know, my mom died instantly in a car accident, so she went boom fast, right?
00:11:54.960 --> 00:11:57.120
So I'm like, was this necessary?
00:11:57.360 --> 00:12:00.960
Like, did he have to suffer like this, you know?
00:12:02.159 --> 00:12:09.200
And and I it's hard to see someone in that condition and think, like, oh yeah, God loves him, like God loves my dad.
00:12:09.360 --> 00:12:18.080
And yeah, and and like God loves us, like me and my sisters, because I'm like, we're crying, we're we're hurting by seeing him like this.
00:12:18.240 --> 00:12:25.919
I'm like, it's just hard to see a loving God with who has grace and mercy when everything looks so bad.
00:12:26.000 --> 00:12:33.759
And once again, I'm leaning on my own understanding, my own, you know, my own feelings.
00:12:34.320 --> 00:12:47.360
But I'm I'm asking those questions and and the Lord like spoke to me, and once again, it's not this audible voice, it's just like I feel like the Holy Spirit is just speaking to my spirit, and like I can feel what he's saying.
00:12:47.519 --> 00:12:52.080
So, you know, he's like, This isn't my wrath, Karina, this is my grace.
00:12:52.480 --> 00:12:54.720
And I'm just like, what?
00:12:54.960 --> 00:13:00.240
Like this this isn't grace, like this is and then now I'm like struggling even more.
00:13:00.720 --> 00:13:04.960
Like, this is not grace, like this is grace, that's not good.
00:13:05.279 --> 00:13:08.799
But I'm just like, no, and he was like, Yeah, Karina.
00:13:09.279 --> 00:13:12.960
I he because then and then I'm like, well, why why'd you why'd you have to do this?
00:13:13.519 --> 00:13:15.519
Why, why not quick, why not instant?
00:13:15.679 --> 00:13:20.480
Like he could have why didn't he like collapse when when his brain was so swollen?
00:13:20.559 --> 00:13:21.840
Why didn't he just instantly die?
00:13:21.919 --> 00:13:22.960
Like his brain gave out.
00:13:23.120 --> 00:13:31.600
Why and the Lord's like, you know, Karina, I he had to go through this because his pride was so strong.
00:13:32.080 --> 00:13:39.440
His pride was so strong, so real, that I had to like humble him, let him go through this pain and go through this.
00:13:39.840 --> 00:13:49.360
So he basically showed me like this is his grace, where like he's giving my dad a shot to like humble himself before he spends eternity in hell, you know?
00:13:49.600 --> 00:14:02.159
And so yeah, and so he's showing me like, no, the pride that your dad had was so bad that he had to come to the end of himself, like humble himself.
00:14:02.320 --> 00:14:07.360
And my dad's always been that kind of man, like I I can do it, I got it, you know, I'll figure it out.
00:14:07.440 --> 00:14:08.639
And I'm kind of like that too.
00:14:09.039 --> 00:14:11.919
But it's like and we're all prideful, right?
00:14:12.000 --> 00:14:25.519
Like we all have pride, but I truly believe that like his family line and his name has some kind of generational, like a really stronghold um with pride.
00:14:25.679 --> 00:14:41.360
Um and to give you an idea, it's like so his mom, my grandma's grandpa was um, he started revolution in Mexico, um, Chihuahua, and they have a statue of him, and she came from like money.
00:14:41.440 --> 00:14:44.559
Um, they had like a driver and like butler and stuff.
00:14:44.639 --> 00:14:57.039
This is stuff I've gathered from my uncles and my mom and my sister, but she comes from money, and they're just like, this is our name, this is who we are, where we come from.
00:14:57.679 --> 00:15:07.519
And um, and unfortunately, my my grandma had married with someone that they didn't approve of, so they she was kind of like pushed out.
00:15:07.840 --> 00:15:11.759
Um and then her husband was like an alcoholic, also prideful.
00:15:11.840 --> 00:15:17.440
He just said he seemed like a guy who was always trying to like um prove himself.
00:15:18.720 --> 00:15:28.480
And like like you were never good enough, or you know, and so he was really rough with my with my dad and my uncles and my aunts.
00:15:28.720 --> 00:15:44.320
I heard a story from my uncle um that when he was a young boy, like I think it's like 12 or 15 around that age, he got in trouble with him for something, and my grandpa like tied a rope around his neck and hung him on a tree.
00:15:44.559 --> 00:15:45.039
My gosh.
00:15:45.279 --> 00:15:46.559
Until he turned purple.
00:15:46.960 --> 00:15:50.799
And then he cut him down and told him next time you won't be so lucky.
00:15:51.039 --> 00:15:55.600
Just to give you an idea what kind of disciplinary he did.
00:15:55.840 --> 00:15:56.159
Yeah.
00:15:56.320 --> 00:15:59.440
Um, and like another one, my mom told me this.
00:15:59.919 --> 00:16:04.480
So my grandpa wasn't a fan of my mom because she came from nothing.
00:16:04.639 --> 00:16:12.879
My mom came from like a more super poverty, super like there's days where my mom my mom didn't eat sometimes.
00:16:12.960 --> 00:16:17.759
She's fainted from hunger before growing up, so she came from from like nothing.
00:16:17.919 --> 00:16:22.559
And so um, my grandpa was not okay with my dad being with her.
00:16:23.039 --> 00:16:32.080
And then my mom had my my sister, my older sister, and um, she had told me that my grandpa, like he set it on fire.
00:16:32.399 --> 00:16:33.440
Their house or something.
00:16:34.559 --> 00:16:41.759
Well, they had like a wood-burning stove, and he threw like gasoline or fuel or something in it, and it like just went everywhere.
00:16:41.840 --> 00:16:47.440
And so his intention was to burn her, like have her in there with my sister, and and she got out.
00:16:47.600 --> 00:16:52.480
So that was what my dad was growing up with.
00:16:52.639 --> 00:17:05.920
Um and so I feel like my dad was always I can I can it makes sense now as a parent and as an adult, like I can see like how he was always proving himself to society, yeah, trying to make something of himself.
00:17:06.160 --> 00:17:15.519
Um and like my dad, and just like looking back, like he was always he was always doing something, always striving to do something big.
00:17:15.680 --> 00:17:22.880
Like he managed a band and they toured and um they're getting pretty, pretty well known.
00:17:23.119 --> 00:17:46.079
And then um until like him and my mom divorced and he like went to Mexico, but he like was always even just with the house, the house I talked about with my mom, the one that she um left for us, when he bought that house, or when they bought it, um it was like probably the crappiest house in the block, but it was it was the biggest one.
00:17:46.400 --> 00:17:48.319
It was just it needed a lot of work.
00:17:48.880 --> 00:17:52.400
But he he was very visionary, like me, very visual.
00:17:52.559 --> 00:17:56.480
So he saw potential and he like worked non-stop.
00:17:56.720 --> 00:17:58.319
He fixed it up so nice.
00:17:58.480 --> 00:18:05.359
He like built this really nice new um driveway all around it, and then um like just made it really nice.
00:18:05.519 --> 00:18:20.079
It was the nicest house in the block, but he was always trying to like work for you know, build his name up and very materialistic, like who he is, what he does, where he lives, like what people say about him.
00:18:20.319 --> 00:18:45.839
Um, he was the cool fun uncle, and anyways, and then when he moved to Mexico, he was building a big house on some land over there, and like he would always talk about it, and um, and just that alone, it just shows you how like you know how scripture talks about to not have your treasures here on earth, like and and I saw that with my dad.
00:18:45.920 --> 00:18:58.079
It's like I always saw him working so hard for whether whether it's for him, like his name, or like what he what he owns, what he has, to say, hey, look at me, look who I am.
00:18:58.480 --> 00:19:01.119
And it like doesn't matter at the end, you know?
00:19:01.279 --> 00:19:07.680
Yeah, like at the end of the day, when he passed away and went down to the ground, there there went his name.
00:19:07.839 --> 00:19:13.039
There, there went like everything he worked for, the house that he worked so hard for.
00:19:13.359 --> 00:19:17.279
Um, you know, all the wood and everything, like it rotted.
00:19:17.359 --> 00:19:19.599
It's it the house fell apart.
00:19:19.839 --> 00:19:22.880
It's it's not the nicest house anymore.
00:19:23.440 --> 00:19:27.920
So like it just shows you how everything will crumble and fall, you know what I mean?
00:19:28.240 --> 00:19:38.640
Yeah, and and I think, you know, I think about as we think of where he was at, you know, as you're describing your visit with him, he's literally at the end of himself.
00:19:38.880 --> 00:20:01.279
He's like all the stuff you just talked about, and that's that's the danger of building your life around this system and this world and for these m you know, these physical treasures and temporary materials because like he's there and he can't take any of his whole life's purpose.
00:20:01.519 --> 00:20:15.359
Basically, he that's how he lived his life, chasing these things and and uh building up his name, which you know ended up you know kind of going downhill and and all the stuff he had, literally his life's work.
00:20:15.599 --> 00:20:26.799
And that's the danger of putting investing so much into this world, and that's where the Bible talks about like don't store up your treasures in heaven, or don't store up your treasure here on earth, but in heaven.
00:20:27.039 --> 00:20:36.000
And the the thing is, is like I literally feel like I was just five years old and I've blinked, and now I'm 35 years old, half halfway to 40.
00:20:36.640 --> 00:20:38.319
It's just like, what?
00:20:38.480 --> 00:20:45.200
Like, literally, I'm gonna blink again, and I will basically be almost 80 years old on my way to my deathbed.
00:20:45.359 --> 00:20:50.160
And it and and so time flies so fast, and I think that's the wisdom of the Bible right there.
00:20:50.400 --> 00:20:55.119
It's like, yeah, it feels like we, you know, it's like, man, these pleasures are so great.
00:20:55.200 --> 00:20:59.839
I'm sitting comfortable in this house, and you're gonna blink and it's all gonna be gone.
00:21:00.079 --> 00:21:07.279
You know, your family was talking about um and the nurses too, about how your dad is literally crying out to God saying, God, forgive me.
00:21:07.359 --> 00:21:08.240
I'm so sorry.
00:21:08.400 --> 00:21:13.279
So if you want to kind of bring it back to that moment with your dad and kind of some of that.
00:21:13.680 --> 00:21:21.599
Yeah, so um before he was asleep and he was awake in Texas, the my aunts and my sisters were there.
00:21:21.680 --> 00:21:28.079
They said that um he would wake up, you know, and he would scream, like, Lord, forgive me.
00:21:28.720 --> 00:21:30.400
Forgive me for everything.
00:21:30.480 --> 00:21:32.640
And he and like the nurses could hear him down the hall.
00:21:32.799 --> 00:21:38.559
So that's that's how much that the pain humbled him and brought him to God's feet.
00:21:38.640 --> 00:21:46.960
And I think that was a moment him and anybody, right, would see, oh shoot, like, yeah, I need something bigger than myself.
00:21:47.119 --> 00:21:50.480
Like, I'm not as big as I thought I was.
00:21:50.720 --> 00:21:59.759
Yeah, and you call on someone and something higher, and like God is that higher, and like sometimes pain in life needs to humble us, you know, like, oh yeah, we.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:01.440
Are not we're not God.
00:22:01.599 --> 00:22:03.839
We we we can't do this, you know.
00:22:04.079 --> 00:22:16.400
Um, and like in those times too, we're talking about how he invested so much time and effort on the materialism and his name and the things that this world says to Chase, which don't matter, right?
00:22:16.480 --> 00:22:17.519
At the end of the day.
00:22:17.759 --> 00:22:27.200
Um, but now he he was just so like he had very little time and he just wanted to like talk to us, like his kids.
00:22:27.599 --> 00:22:30.720
Like he just wanted to tell us so much.
00:22:30.960 --> 00:22:34.720
He wanted to tell us how much he loved us, how sorry he was.
00:22:34.960 --> 00:22:47.200
Um the things that you you should be doing throughout your life is like investing in your legacy and your children, because that's what remains when you're gone.
00:22:47.440 --> 00:22:51.359
That is how your name can be an impactful thing.
00:22:51.599 --> 00:23:00.960
Because when you're gone, they're gonna carry that legacy and that name and like your character and habits where like you might still get talked about.
00:23:01.039 --> 00:23:04.559
Like I still talk about my mom like all the time, you know?
00:23:04.880 --> 00:23:07.759
And that is where you really need to invest that.
00:23:07.839 --> 00:23:13.359
And and I think he's seen that like crap, like everything else failed me.
00:23:13.519 --> 00:23:15.279
Everything else doesn't matter.
00:23:15.839 --> 00:23:21.119
And we're over here, you know, and he just you can tell he just wants to tell us so much.
00:23:21.200 --> 00:23:26.480
And and and it's in between his his naps because he's starting to go to bed.
00:23:26.720 --> 00:23:27.920
And it was sad.
00:23:28.000 --> 00:23:33.359
It was like, you know, and there was times where I would FaceTime him and he would be like, Can you please come to Texas?
00:23:33.519 --> 00:23:36.640
Like, I just want and it's like, I can't, you know.
00:23:36.880 --> 00:23:37.119
Yeah.
00:23:37.279 --> 00:23:42.079
But it's like he has, I can only imagine he just has so much to say.
00:23:42.400 --> 00:23:45.920
Hey, it's Ryan, and I hope that you are enjoying this episode so far.
00:23:46.160 --> 00:23:52.960
Wanted to quickly let you know that we are a nonprofit podcast that is made possible in large part by donations.
00:23:53.279 --> 00:24:04.720
If this is a podcast that has encouraged you and you feel led to help support, you can head over to lifeusd.com slash donate or check the episode description for a direct link to our giving page.
00:24:04.880 --> 00:24:14.400
Whether it's a one-time donation or monthly support, every gift given helps us continue to tell real stories that point people back to our living God.
00:24:14.799 --> 00:24:17.279
So I was saying, like um, in that moment though.
00:24:17.359 --> 00:24:20.400
So I'm I'm seeing, okay, this is definitely your grace.
00:24:20.480 --> 00:24:26.160
Like it was such a humbling moment for me, too, because I'm over here like, oh gosh, God's wrath.
00:24:26.240 --> 00:24:28.480
And when he showed me, I'm like, oh shoot, I'm so sorry.
00:24:28.640 --> 00:24:31.599
Like this is this is so your grace.
00:24:31.680 --> 00:24:32.720
I'm so thankful.
00:24:32.880 --> 00:24:43.279
And now I'm seeing, wow, you really love him, because for you to be this holy, great God to go out of your way to still give him a one more chance.
00:24:43.440 --> 00:24:45.440
Like he's had so many chances in life.
00:24:45.839 --> 00:24:52.000
And he still gave him that one chance, you know, from spending eternity in hell.
00:24:52.720 --> 00:24:59.039
And like, um, and then like, and he cares about us because he's doing this for us, you know.
00:24:59.599 --> 00:25:03.759
And so now I'm saying, like, wow, you are this big loving God.
00:25:03.839 --> 00:25:05.440
You are this, you know.
00:25:05.680 --> 00:25:09.839
And I hate that, like, you know, God has to keep showing me that.
00:25:10.000 --> 00:25:14.079
It's like, how do I not know that already with uh everything that life has done?
00:25:14.400 --> 00:25:16.400
But I'm just like, wow, this is your grace.
00:25:16.480 --> 00:25:18.000
Everyone's still seeing God's wrath.
00:25:18.079 --> 00:25:22.880
And I'm like, wow, now I'm like in awe of him, even though everything still looks pretty bad.
00:25:23.039 --> 00:25:33.119
Um, but you know, and and just seeing my dad too, another thing he showed me was like, he showed me a physical visual of like sin, what sin does to us.
00:25:33.599 --> 00:25:38.400
Because like we we hear about sin and how it leads to death, and it does like spiritually, right?
00:25:38.640 --> 00:25:41.279
Sin, yeah, the cost is like hell, right?
00:25:41.440 --> 00:25:44.240
Punishment, this debt that we can't pay for.
00:25:44.319 --> 00:25:49.279
But like I'm seeing this physical, like what sin can literally do to you.
00:25:49.599 --> 00:25:50.880
To your actual physical body.
00:25:51.279 --> 00:25:51.519
Yes.
00:25:51.599 --> 00:25:52.720
And I was gonna touch on this.
00:25:52.880 --> 00:26:04.000
So um, I'm not gonna go in details, but my dad um he he made a big mistake and um and which led to my mom divorcing him.
00:26:04.240 --> 00:26:12.880
And instead of facing it and saying, I'm sorry, I did wrong, he took off.
00:26:13.359 --> 00:26:18.000
He just took off and started a whole new life in Mexico.
00:26:18.160 --> 00:26:26.240
Um and that's where he was like building his new his new house, his land, his name.
00:26:26.400 --> 00:26:27.839
Like he's just starting from scratch.
00:26:28.000 --> 00:26:33.519
But instead of facing his mistakes and owning up to them, he just ran.
00:26:34.160 --> 00:26:44.480
And I truly believe, this is my opinion, I truly believe that he couldn't face, he couldn't face the reality, so he made up a whole lie.
00:26:44.880 --> 00:27:07.440
Like till literally until his well, his deathbed is where he apologized, but like before he had this whole brain thing, cancer thing, he was telling everybody, like our aunts, uncles, everybody, like this whole story that was not true, like where he was a victim, and the victim was the one really the bad guy.
00:27:07.599 --> 00:27:17.119
And so he was playing this whole story and he kept going with it and going with it where I truly believe that he started to believe it.
00:27:18.319 --> 00:27:29.359
And and I just feel like I just don't think it's a coincidence that like this lie like turned into a brain, like brain cancer.
00:27:29.519 --> 00:27:30.880
Like, is that a coincidence?
00:27:31.119 --> 00:27:31.759
You know what I mean?
00:27:31.839 --> 00:27:48.400
Like because he was living this lie for a long time, and now he has brain cancer so big in his brain that like they couldn't get it all out, and it's like I just don't think it's a coincidence, but and it's that's a heavy, heavy burden to bear for so long.
00:27:48.559 --> 00:28:10.640
I so I remember in my story, I was 22 when I realized wow, I've messed up so much, I've made so many mistakes, and even that was like it was it took so much for me to humble myself, and that's that's the thing with the gospel, why it's so hard to follow Jesus, it takes so much humility, it takes so much, like, man, I suck.
00:28:10.880 --> 00:28:26.799
And I remember when I had to do that, and I feel like it's dangerous the older you get, and the more you kick that can down the road, and you just continue to just like uh ignore, run away, and you don't, you know, you don't own up to ultimately how like you are a sinner.
00:28:26.960 --> 00:28:29.119
We all are, every single one of us.
00:28:29.359 --> 00:28:38.240
Um it like I think it really does weigh on you, like you're saying, it can start to manifest in in other ways, and and it's like you know, your dad was pretty old.
00:28:38.319 --> 00:28:46.240
That's a lot of years of living in a lie and not not dealing with your issues, you know?
00:28:46.559 --> 00:28:47.599
Yeah, no, yeah.
00:28:47.680 --> 00:29:06.880
I think I think that that's my personal thing, and and so I'm seeing sin literally, um, how it just destroyed my dad, like that lie that he could have just surrendered it and been like and humbled himself back then and been like, I made a mistake, I'm not perfect, forgive me.
00:29:07.039 --> 00:29:11.599
Like, you know, he he carried on this lie and was just so prideful.
00:29:11.680 --> 00:29:16.240
And so anyway, so I'm seeing now sin in a physical form.
00:29:16.319 --> 00:29:22.160
And now it almost like scared me a little bit because now I'm like, shoot, do I have that?
00:29:22.400 --> 00:29:36.400
I know we all have pride, and even that, even the the generic pride that we all are born with, like I'm I'm even worried about that, and I'm worried about like generational, like, do I have that generational stronghold?
00:29:37.119 --> 00:29:41.519
And and even like the bit of pride that we all have, I didn't even want that.
00:29:41.680 --> 00:29:46.880
I'm like, I if this is what it's gonna do to me, I don't want that, you know, and it scared me.
00:29:47.039 --> 00:30:00.960
It made me analyze myself, and I'm just like, Lord, please, if there's anything in me, like pride or any sin that could do this to me, I need you to please show me because I don't want this, you know.
00:30:01.359 --> 00:30:10.240
And I love that point that you make because it to me, that's the biblical response to when you see um, you know, other people's sins and shortcomings.
00:30:10.319 --> 00:30:12.640
Like, I think it's okay for us to judge things.
00:30:12.720 --> 00:30:17.119
We can make judgments and be like, hey, he made some bad decisions, it's pretty obvious.
00:30:17.359 --> 00:30:22.240
But I think the biblical response in those situations is for us to look at ourselves, right?
00:30:22.400 --> 00:30:24.319
Ultimately, God is the judge of everybody.
00:30:24.400 --> 00:30:29.680
So like we don't necessarily have to figure out, oh, you know, well, that's gonna happen to my dad because he did this.
00:30:29.839 --> 00:30:33.920
No, you like were like, what do I have in me possibly?
00:30:34.079 --> 00:30:34.720
You know what I mean?
00:30:34.799 --> 00:30:35.759
And I think that's powerful.
00:30:35.839 --> 00:30:36.640
It's a great lesson.
00:30:36.880 --> 00:30:37.920
Yeah, yeah, thank you.
00:30:38.000 --> 00:30:41.920
And so, like I said, there's a there's quite a bit of revelation.
00:30:42.000 --> 00:30:43.200
There's a few things he shows me.
00:30:43.279 --> 00:30:46.880
He shows me the physical, what sin looks like in a physical form.
00:30:47.119 --> 00:30:54.160
He shows me um his grace when you know, and I'm battling wrath, no grace, you know.
00:30:54.400 --> 00:30:55.599
Yeah, so it was a lot.
00:30:55.759 --> 00:31:11.839
And then another thing was he showed me how short this life is because I had just we had our baby two weeks prior to this, and I remember like holding his hand, this tiny little fresh life who doesn't have memories yet.
00:31:12.000 --> 00:31:15.200
Like he hasn't begun making memories and living his life.
00:31:15.440 --> 00:31:27.119
And then when I'm saying goodbye to my dad, I'm holding his hand and I'm seeing someone saying goodbye to this world and saying goodbye to all the memories and everyone he he loved.
00:31:27.440 --> 00:31:30.880
And so I just saw how quick this life is.
00:31:31.279 --> 00:31:43.680
Um, I know you hear about it, you read about it, but it's just it was such a visual for me that it like hit home and it almost gave me this like, oh my gosh, like it made me want to take life a lot more serious.
00:31:43.839 --> 00:31:44.480
Yeah.
00:31:44.880 --> 00:31:49.839
And um, and it just because like I don't feel 32, you know, and I'm gonna be 33.
00:31:49.920 --> 00:31:56.160
I feel like I honestly feel like I'm like early 20s, and then and then I get humbled real quick that I'm not.
00:31:56.319 --> 00:32:00.559
But and you talk about how you were, you feel like you were just five yesterday.
00:32:00.960 --> 00:32:05.839
It goes fast, and that's if that's even if we actually live our full term.
00:32:05.920 --> 00:32:12.240
That's like you still have yeah, things can happen, you know, and you may not live your full term.
00:32:12.400 --> 00:32:15.759
So it's like, so life is really delicate, very short.
00:32:15.839 --> 00:32:22.240
And I just saw this glimpse of how fast from my baby to my dad, and I'm just like, oh my gosh.
00:32:22.480 --> 00:32:24.240
And so it was just so much.
00:32:24.400 --> 00:32:30.000
I remember like like, okay, God, like I was just like, I need, I need a break.
00:32:30.160 --> 00:32:31.440
This is a lot, you know.
00:32:31.599 --> 00:32:33.119
Like, I this is too much.
00:32:33.200 --> 00:32:34.640
I don't know why you're showing me this.
00:32:34.799 --> 00:32:36.000
Like, I don't know.
00:32:36.240 --> 00:32:38.319
I just wanted to say goodbye.
00:32:38.559 --> 00:32:40.240
And it was just a lot.
00:32:40.480 --> 00:32:44.720
And um, and then the final thing was like, you know, I'm overwhelmed.
00:32:44.799 --> 00:32:47.599
I'm I'm I'm crying.
00:32:47.680 --> 00:32:53.119
And then the nurse comes in because she's about to push more, like morphine, put more meds.
00:32:53.359 --> 00:32:57.039
And she told me that he was he was awake, like he's waking up.
00:32:57.200 --> 00:33:02.559
At this point, he's not opening his eyes anymore, but he's like conscious, so he could hear you.
00:33:02.640 --> 00:33:08.160
She's like, he can hear you, he can um, you know, if you if you hold his hand, he can feel you.
00:33:08.319 --> 00:33:11.839
And um, so if you want to say anything, you have like seconds.
00:33:11.920 --> 00:33:13.200
I'm gonna push meds in.
00:33:13.359 --> 00:33:16.799
And even that alone, I was very surprised that I even got to that point.
00:33:16.880 --> 00:33:21.119
I thought he was like almost like long gone where I can't say anything.
00:33:21.359 --> 00:33:21.920
That's a blessing.
00:33:22.160 --> 00:33:23.200
Um, it was a blessing.
00:33:23.440 --> 00:33:27.359
And so so now she's like, you know, say whatever you want.
00:33:27.519 --> 00:33:32.240
And and my sisters wanted me to say something because they were in Texas with him.
00:33:32.480 --> 00:33:37.680
And so, you know, they're just like, hey dad, Karina's here, and and I like start talking to him.
00:33:37.920 --> 00:33:43.200
And I just remember like the Lord was like, Karina, you need to tell him he was a good dad.
00:33:43.920 --> 00:33:49.680
And I start to struggle because I don't I don't feel like he was a good dad.
00:33:49.759 --> 00:33:54.240
I'm just like I don't want to lie to him, you know?
00:33:55.440 --> 00:34:00.000
And then God's like, no, Karina, he was a good dad.
00:34:00.240 --> 00:34:04.240
Cause he's like, You, you're going off of my standards.
00:34:04.400 --> 00:34:07.759
So, like to you, he's not, but he doesn't know me.
00:34:07.920 --> 00:34:10.880
He didn't know me, he didn't go off of my standards.
00:34:11.119 --> 00:34:12.960
He was going off of his own.
00:34:13.280 --> 00:34:19.679
And his standards are like, well, if I'm not like my dad, I must be a pretty good dad, you know.
00:34:19.760 --> 00:34:27.440
Like, yeah, he I mean, technically, technically, yeah, like, yeah, he didn't do any of the things his dad and what he went through.
00:34:27.679 --> 00:34:35.360
So really, he wasn't, you know, in his understanding, he did everything he could to not ever give us that childhood.
00:34:35.679 --> 00:34:36.000
Yeah.
00:34:36.239 --> 00:34:38.079
And so he did his best.
00:34:38.320 --> 00:34:47.039
And the Lord's like, no, he did his best with what he knew, with what he grew up with, and he did everything he could to not be that guy.
00:34:47.760 --> 00:34:49.679
And so he was a good dad.
00:34:50.079 --> 00:34:54.400
And when like when he told me that, it made a lot of sense.
00:34:54.639 --> 00:34:58.800
So I told him, you know, like, you, you know, thank you.
00:34:58.960 --> 00:34:59.519
I love you.
00:34:59.679 --> 00:35:01.440
And you were a really good dad.
00:35:01.519 --> 00:35:04.960
And when I said that, he had tears flowing down his face.
00:35:05.760 --> 00:35:09.039
And then um, that was the last time I talked to him.
00:35:10.880 --> 00:35:11.519
Yeah.
00:35:15.440 --> 00:35:16.000
Sorry.
00:35:30.559 --> 00:35:35.360
Yeah, so that's really powerful stuff there.
00:35:35.519 --> 00:35:43.039
And I remember you telling me, like, you know, your dad left when you were seven, and you actually had a lot of good memories of him when you were younger.
00:35:43.360 --> 00:35:50.800
I want you to touch on some of those and and just kind of honestly honor him a little bit and and talk about some of those good things that you remember of him.
00:35:51.119 --> 00:36:05.119
Yeah, well, I was a daddy's girl, and I I think I was just a a tomboy, and I honestly think it started off because I wanted to be like him, because in my eyes, it's like, oh wow, he is like he's doing big things, he's a cool guy.
00:36:05.360 --> 00:36:05.679
Yeah.
00:36:05.920 --> 00:36:13.840
Um, but like I remember him like, you know, just teaching me how to ride my bike and like always telling me like don't give up.
00:36:13.920 --> 00:36:17.440
So I think a lot of who I am though it is like him.
00:36:17.519 --> 00:36:26.639
Like I have, I'm a visionary, and I I think I saw him always showing me that you can do something if you put your mind to it.
00:36:27.199 --> 00:36:48.559
You know, because he, you know, yes, his mom's family came for money, but he didn't because like, you know, she was kind of um so he had to almost like rebuild that and and and just like I want to honor just that that life of of coming and making a life here, coming from Mexico.
00:36:49.119 --> 00:36:57.679
Like, you know, I've you know, I've talked to some of your family and some of my f family and just people that I know, like that is so powerful.
00:36:57.840 --> 00:36:59.199
That is so hard.
00:36:59.440 --> 00:37:07.199
You know, I I talk about sometimes how I'm like a spoiled American, and you know, like I don't know any other language except English.
00:37:07.280 --> 00:37:15.039
Like, I cannot fathom going to another country where I don't understand the language and making a living and making a way.
00:37:15.199 --> 00:37:28.159
Yeah, and so like that is like I commend that right there, and for for his whole family, like bringing his you know, his wife and his kids, but then even his sisters and his brothers, like making a way for the family, you know what I mean?
00:37:28.400 --> 00:37:40.400
Yeah, no, he's a hard worker, like he came um here with like um some kind of working visa, and and he just I think he just was like, yeah, he wanted his family to experience that.
00:37:40.559 --> 00:37:46.079
And but he um he taught me how to work hard, like I always saw him working.
00:37:46.159 --> 00:37:49.679
He was never just yeah, sin watching TV.
00:37:49.920 --> 00:37:53.199
If he did, it was like late at night when he was done doing everything.
00:37:53.360 --> 00:37:58.079
But he also showed me like you can do whatever you want if you put your mind to it.
00:37:58.400 --> 00:38:07.679
Um yeah, and you can come from nothing and be someone and um and and and before he left, like I think he was there for me.
00:38:07.760 --> 00:38:13.280
Like he taught me how to ride my bike, he always, you know, try to teach me new things.
00:38:13.440 --> 00:38:18.719
Um, he's the one who taught me how to properly eat, what grab my silverware and be proper.
00:38:18.880 --> 00:38:20.000
And then I showed you.
00:38:20.239 --> 00:38:21.280
Yeah, you showed me.
00:38:21.440 --> 00:38:22.800
I definitely needed help there.
00:38:23.039 --> 00:38:27.119
But uh I also remember you talking about how you were a brat and then you got your first bank in.
00:38:27.280 --> 00:38:28.320
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:38:28.320 --> 00:38:33.039
And I think he I think he spoiled me and made me a brat, but then one time I talked back.
00:38:33.119 --> 00:38:36.000
I think that's where I learned, okay, yeah, just don't talk back.
00:38:36.239 --> 00:38:37.039
Just don't talk.
00:38:37.280 --> 00:38:37.440
Yeah.
00:38:37.519 --> 00:38:48.639
But um, no, so I think there's a lot, and I I know there's a reason why um it was a big impact when he was out of my life because he had a big impact when he was in it.
00:38:48.960 --> 00:38:53.119
It's just it just sucks that it was that's how it happened.
00:38:53.280 --> 00:38:54.000
You know what I mean?
00:38:54.320 --> 00:39:02.480
But and I'm thankful we uh he ended up coming back um at some point, and I got to take our kids and you got to meet him.
00:39:03.280 --> 00:39:05.119
Was it the first two or three of three?
00:39:05.199 --> 00:39:07.920
Rylan was like Rylan or she was less than one.
00:39:08.400 --> 00:39:12.960
She was less than one, so we actually have a picture of him with with some of our kids, and yeah.
00:39:13.760 --> 00:39:18.000
I was glad that I got to meet, introduce you, and yeah, you got to meet my kids.
00:39:18.239 --> 00:39:18.639
I did.
00:39:18.800 --> 00:39:19.280
Yeah, yeah.
00:39:19.519 --> 00:39:25.440
I want to dive in a little bit to a little bit more about pride and just kind of touch on that specifically.
00:39:25.760 --> 00:39:54.079
Pride is such a powerful, a powerful thing, and and we actually just watched that animated movie recently, David, and I remember like Saul, you know, he's king, and there were so many moments where he was so close on the edge of like his pride breaking down, and he's having these moments where he's like, Oh, he won you can tell, like he wants to surrender to God's will.
00:39:54.239 --> 00:40:01.039
He wants to let it go, but like his pride is so strong, and it makes it so hard for him.
00:40:01.119 --> 00:40:22.880
And that is really like you know, the lesson here is just again, like we were talking about earlier, like pride can be such a dangerous thing to to let it's like you just let a little bit in for just a you know, just the littlest bit, and it can just start to grow, and you don't even realize it, and before you know it, you are just like completely lost.
00:40:22.960 --> 00:40:29.360
And like I said, when I think of Saul, all the times he was so close, and yet he continues to harden his heart.
00:40:29.599 --> 00:40:32.559
Another one is Pharaoh, you know, in Exodus.
00:40:32.639 --> 00:40:38.400
Like he it's almost like he kind of almost gets there, but then he hardens his heart again, and and pride is a real battle.
00:40:38.639 --> 00:40:43.840
Yeah, I think it's essentially it's like when we pretend to be God, like you know, we got under control.
00:40:43.920 --> 00:40:46.400
We don't need, we don't need you anymore.
00:40:47.280 --> 00:40:51.840
So, yeah, so now at this point, um, this revelation, I shared it with you.
00:40:51.920 --> 00:40:53.840
I think I didn't tell you right away.
00:40:54.079 --> 00:41:00.000
You, I think you thought I was just grieving, like you're typical, but I wasn't ready to share it because it was a lot.
00:41:00.079 --> 00:41:03.360
I was still trying to process like what the heck is going on?
00:41:03.519 --> 00:41:05.360
Why did you show me all this?
00:41:05.679 --> 00:41:11.599
You know, and the thing is like I was doing everything I could before this, before my baby was born.
00:41:11.760 --> 00:41:22.559
I was really taking care of myself to not fall in postpartum depression because I struggle with it with every baby, not super bad, but just where I just feel down for a while.
00:41:22.719 --> 00:41:30.719
And so I I mean I slept early, I slept more, I ate good, I and then boom, this happens.
00:41:30.960 --> 00:41:37.920
And now I fell into the darkest, like hardest depression ever.
00:41:38.079 --> 00:41:44.559
And I even took a year off of school because I was like, I almost tried going because of my pride.
00:41:45.280 --> 00:41:47.679
Like, no, I I must keep going.
00:41:48.159 --> 00:41:52.400
And I was like, I am not in any place to be.
00:41:52.480 --> 00:42:02.079
I mean, I was waking up crying, like longing for death, never hurting myself, nothing, but I was just like, why am I awake?
00:42:02.320 --> 00:42:07.360
Because all these feelings, all these emotions from what I experienced would come back.
00:42:07.440 --> 00:42:09.360
And I'm like, I don't know what to do with this information.
00:42:09.440 --> 00:42:11.679
I don't, I just wanna, I don't know.
00:42:11.840 --> 00:42:13.360
You know, why did you trust me with this?
00:42:13.440 --> 00:42:14.559
Why did you tell me this?
00:42:14.719 --> 00:42:14.960
Yeah.
00:42:15.119 --> 00:42:24.239
Um, so now I I finally shared with you everything you showed me, and you were like, holy crap, like you were just mind-blown, like, wow, that's crazy.
00:42:24.559 --> 00:42:25.440
That was, I remember that.
00:42:25.599 --> 00:42:26.559
It was so powerful.
00:42:26.719 --> 00:42:30.320
I think after that we decided, like, you probably just needed to take a break.
00:42:30.480 --> 00:42:32.400
You took some time off of school.
00:42:32.559 --> 00:42:36.000
I think you stepped away from your part-time job at that point.
00:42:36.320 --> 00:42:47.760
And this was a moment where the Lord really started working in me, and he was just saying, All right, Ryan, it's time for you to step up and be the provider that I'm calling you to be.
00:42:48.400 --> 00:42:55.519
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