1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,240
So I call it the loop of doom.
2
00:00:02,240 --> 00:00:05,599
He is sitting here thinking, I'm never gonna be
enough, so he avoids.
3
00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:11,119
That's going to then in like, trigger in her
narrative, can't trust him.
4
00:00:11,119 --> 00:00:14,375
The dismissive avoidant may be having sex with
you, but they're not, like, they're not
5
00:00:14,375 --> 00:00:15,094
connected.
6
00:00:15,174 --> 00:00:19,414
As an adult, I like to teach the five finger
apology method.
7
00:00:19,414 --> 00:00:22,375
I would say timing, tongue, and tone.
8
00:00:22,535 --> 00:00:24,980
The three important.
9
00:00:24,980 --> 00:00:29,859
You might be secure outside of a relationship,
but you can only do about 70% of that work
10
00:00:29,859 --> 00:00:31,300
outside of a relationship.
11
00:00:31,859 --> 00:00:36,179
So you're still insecure if you're not in a
relationship.
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00:00:36,500 --> 00:00:39,795
Secure attachment means I have a healthy
relationship.
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00:00:40,115 --> 00:00:43,155
If you're if you're not good, I'm still good.
14
00:00:45,954 --> 00:00:47,315
I'm doctor Diane.
15
00:00:47,315 --> 00:00:50,274
Welcome back to another episode of the Libido
Lounge.
16
00:00:50,274 --> 00:00:57,789
I'm back with Karen Alaricchi today, and we
talked last time about marriage monogamy, how
17
00:00:57,789 --> 00:01:03,469
to actually look at your marriage in
relationship to baseball and whether or not it
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00:01:03,469 --> 00:01:07,390
is healthy in the way in the questions you're
asking, in the fights you're having.
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00:01:07,390 --> 00:01:11,295
Are you using fights for productivity or not?
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00:01:11,534 --> 00:01:13,774
And are you turning towards your partner?
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00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:18,974
Are you guys engaging in a way where your
marriage can handle those blips because of how
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00:01:18,974 --> 00:01:21,694
many things are working well and how to analyze
that and more?
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00:01:22,109 --> 00:01:27,469
Today, we're getting into the conversation
around same old fight.
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00:01:27,469 --> 00:01:31,310
How do we deal with this thing that happens for
so many couples where we're stuck having the
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00:01:31,310 --> 00:01:36,189
same old fight, how to repair it, and we're
gonna also talk a little bit about attachment
26
00:01:35,834 --> 00:01:38,795
theory and what this means for you and your
marriage.
27
00:01:39,114 --> 00:01:43,354
So Cameron, who's with me again, is a Gottman
certified marriage coach.
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00:01:43,354 --> 00:01:46,155
She's a host of the Married and Connected
podcast.
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00:01:46,555 --> 00:01:51,680
She's founder of the Recognizing Potential
Coaching Program, and really at the core she
30
00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:57,040
helps monogamous couples to have better
marriage, deeper connection, and so much more.
31
00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:59,359
So thank you for being here with me again,
Cameron.
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00:01:59,359 --> 00:02:00,480
It's great to be with you.
33
00:02:00,719 --> 00:02:01,200
Thanks.
34
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:02,320
I'm so excited to be back.
35
00:02:03,075 --> 00:02:04,114
Same thing.
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00:02:04,114 --> 00:02:06,114
So let's talk about this.
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00:02:06,114 --> 00:02:12,194
So when we are in these situations, right,
where people are I think come to a lot which
38
00:02:12,194 --> 00:02:16,914
is, gosh, like we've been married for twenty
years or we've been married for ten or forty or
39
00:02:16,914 --> 00:02:22,830
whatever it is, and it's like we're having like
the same old fight over and over again.
40
00:02:23,150 --> 00:02:28,349
One of my initial questions with this is how do
people begin to recognize when they're
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00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:32,735
triggered and everything is maybe reminding
them of this last this last fight or this last
42
00:02:32,735 --> 00:02:38,094
thing, this last thing, how do people develop
the ability to recognize, oh, this is actually
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00:02:38,094 --> 00:02:43,215
a real problem that's happening or wow, this
just reminds me of that old thing that was
44
00:02:43,215 --> 00:02:43,935
never resolved?
45
00:02:43,935 --> 00:02:49,569
Like, do we need to differentiate it or is that
actually irrelevant as far as as fixing it?
46
00:02:50,209 --> 00:02:52,129
You actually do need to differentiate it.
47
00:02:52,129 --> 00:02:56,370
And the reason is because a lot of the times
that you are fighting, you're not actually
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00:02:56,370 --> 00:02:57,650
fighting about what you're fighting about.
49
00:02:58,194 --> 00:03:00,355
So let's take money, for example.
50
00:03:00,355 --> 00:03:03,795
Money is a really common argument that people
have.
51
00:03:05,074 --> 00:03:07,075
Money isn't just money.
52
00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:10,034
Money is representative of something else.
53
00:03:10,034 --> 00:03:16,550
So it could be power, it could be respect, it
could be security, or it could be freedom.
54
00:03:16,550 --> 00:03:16,949
K?
55
00:03:16,949 --> 00:03:20,150
Those are typically the the four things that
money means to people.
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00:03:20,310 --> 00:03:25,830
Now if your partner is worried about the bank
account because they money means to them
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00:03:25,830 --> 00:03:32,294
security, but for for you, it means freedom,
and your partner's coming to you saying, no.
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00:03:32,294 --> 00:03:32,454
No.
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00:03:32,454 --> 00:03:32,694
No.
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00:03:32,694 --> 00:03:33,655
We can't spend that.
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00:03:33,655 --> 00:03:34,614
That we need to save.
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00:03:34,614 --> 00:03:35,735
You need to stop spending.
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00:03:35,735 --> 00:03:41,710
You need to cut the Amazon and, you know, all
of that, then they're not getting their
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00:03:41,710 --> 00:03:42,349
freedom.
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00:03:42,830 --> 00:03:45,950
So they may have this vision of like, yeah.
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00:03:45,950 --> 00:03:49,870
But if I spend a little money here, I'm gonna
make a lot of money there.
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00:03:50,189 --> 00:03:52,110
And this is the vision long term.
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00:03:52,110 --> 00:03:53,150
You see what I'm saying?
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00:03:53,150 --> 00:03:58,415
So there's a meaning underneath the surface
that you're not fighting about, that you're
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00:03:58,415 --> 00:04:00,014
that you're not even looking at.
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00:04:00,014 --> 00:04:00,575
K?
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00:04:00,655 --> 00:04:04,895
The other option might be the fact that you're
you know, you have to look at your motives.
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00:04:05,294 --> 00:04:06,895
Are you fighting just to be right?
74
00:04:07,550 --> 00:04:10,990
Are you fighting or are you solving the problem
together?
75
00:04:11,069 --> 00:04:15,950
Are you actually fighting for a solution, or
are you just fighting because you're addicted
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00:04:15,950 --> 00:04:16,430
to it?
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00:04:16,430 --> 00:04:17,710
Because that's a thing too.
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00:04:18,270 --> 00:04:24,365
The third thing is when you're having these
perpetual arguments, look at why.
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00:04:24,845 --> 00:04:27,245
Look at what is being said.
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00:04:27,245 --> 00:04:33,485
Again, the message underneath the message, and
also look at the resentments that you carry.
81
00:04:33,724 --> 00:04:39,629
Because resentments come from expectations that
a lot of times weren't verbalized.
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00:04:39,949 --> 00:04:45,629
So going back to the example that we used last
week in the trash, it's well, you didn't take
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00:04:45,629 --> 00:04:46,509
the trash out.
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00:04:46,990 --> 00:04:53,435
Well, you you might have asked them to take the
trash out, but you didn't specify a time.
85
00:04:53,834 --> 00:04:58,314
So to you, again, the trash needed to be taken
out five seconds from then.
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00:04:58,714 --> 00:04:59,915
To them, it's like, yeah.
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00:04:59,915 --> 00:05:01,115
I'll do it in the morning.
88
00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:04,074
So you didn't actually say, hey.
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00:05:04,589 --> 00:05:06,269
Can you take the trash out?
90
00:05:06,269 --> 00:05:11,149
The trash guys are down the street, and also
this has raw chicken that stinks in it kind of
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00:05:11,149 --> 00:05:11,629
thing.
92
00:05:11,790 --> 00:05:12,189
Right?
93
00:05:12,189 --> 00:05:15,230
So a little bit more communication on your part
would have been great.
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00:05:15,389 --> 00:05:22,014
So that being said, we have to look at
expectations that weren't met, judgments that
95
00:05:22,014 --> 00:05:26,495
we're making on our partner that actually
really mean that we're judging ourselves, and
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00:05:26,495 --> 00:05:27,215
then we also have
97
00:05:27,215 --> 00:05:30,735
to look at the deeper meaning and and why we
continue to have these arguments.
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00:05:31,669 --> 00:05:36,949
So Salzen, if I'm understanding you correctly,
like, yes, it is important to differentiate
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00:05:36,949 --> 00:05:39,669
between, you know, current stuff, past stuff.
100
00:05:39,990 --> 00:05:40,229
Mhmm.
101
00:05:40,229 --> 00:05:44,949
And then is it is it true that we could say
then that one of the first steps then with
102
00:05:44,949 --> 00:05:50,485
actually repairing fights and conflict is one
of the first steps then doing exactly that,
103
00:05:50,485 --> 00:05:53,204
like taking a step back and saying like, what
is my fault?
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00:05:53,204 --> 00:05:54,485
What is my responsibility?
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00:05:54,725 --> 00:06:00,050
And owning that as well as like understanding,
like you're saying, like what is beneath it
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00:06:00,050 --> 00:06:00,289
all?
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00:06:00,289 --> 00:06:01,889
What are we actually fighting about?
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00:06:01,889 --> 00:06:04,689
Because it's probably in many cases not the
trash.
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00:06:04,849 --> 00:06:08,610
Is that one of the first steps to repairing or
where do people begin if not there?
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00:06:09,169 --> 00:06:09,569
Yeah.
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00:06:09,569 --> 00:06:10,129
It is.
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00:06:10,129 --> 00:06:12,225
But it's also looking at the fact a lot of
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00:06:12,225 --> 00:06:15,985
times what will trigger people is the fact of
like, oh my god, you keep bringing this up.
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00:06:16,384 --> 00:06:20,704
Whoever keeps bringing things up in the in the
relationship is still hurt by it.
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00:06:20,704 --> 00:06:23,024
There actually wasn't repair before.
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00:06:23,024 --> 00:06:23,584
Okay?
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00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:27,610
So to to take care of some of those past
things, you might also be taking care of some
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00:06:27,610 --> 00:06:28,730
present things too.
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00:06:29,050 --> 00:06:32,970
But you also have to look at the fact that,
like, we were taught to apologize when we were
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00:06:32,970 --> 00:06:34,730
preschoolers, and that was it.
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00:06:34,730 --> 00:06:38,569
There was never another lesson for as long as
we were growing up.
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00:06:38,730 --> 00:06:43,104
So when you're in preschool and you're
learning, sorry, that's probably not gonna cut
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00:06:43,104 --> 00:06:44,064
it for your partner.
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00:06:44,225 --> 00:06:48,625
So as an adult, I like to teach the five finger
apology method.
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00:06:48,785 --> 00:06:52,705
I'm sorry for and actually own what you did.
126
00:06:53,185 --> 00:06:55,185
I know it impacted you in this way.
127
00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:58,080
Here's what I'm gonna do to change that.
128
00:06:58,080 --> 00:06:59,279
Will you forgive me?
129
00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:03,120
And this is what a lot of people are like, oh
my gosh, that's gonna take so long.
130
00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:03,680
No.
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00:07:03,839 --> 00:07:04,959
Seventeen seconds.
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00:07:04,959 --> 00:07:05,600
Watch.
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00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:08,399
I'm really sorry for being late to dinner.
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00:07:08,399 --> 00:07:11,120
I know you worked so hard on that meal and I
was late.
135
00:07:11,435 --> 00:07:16,154
In the future, I promise you I'm going to send
a text before I leave the office, or if I'm
136
00:07:16,154 --> 00:07:17,435
gonna be more than five minutes late.
137
00:07:17,435 --> 00:07:18,395
Will you forgive me?
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00:07:18,955 --> 00:07:20,155
That's all it takes.
139
00:07:20,795 --> 00:07:22,475
So that's how we repair.
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00:07:23,115 --> 00:07:28,850
And another thing is when you're repairing,
make sure that when your partner is saying,
141
00:07:28,850 --> 00:07:32,449
hey, I'm sorry for these things, that you're
not making it about you.
142
00:07:32,850 --> 00:07:38,625
That you're not saying, well, no, you really
did mean this, or you really did like, no.
143
00:07:39,264 --> 00:07:40,625
Validate their response.
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00:07:40,625 --> 00:07:44,464
Validate their apology first, and don't make it
about your time.
145
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:48,464
You'll get your time to explain why you did
what you did, but now is not that time.
146
00:07:50,029 --> 00:07:50,430
Yeah.
147
00:07:50,430 --> 00:07:54,350
I think this is one of if everybody is
listening to only one thing in our two
148
00:07:54,350 --> 00:07:58,750
conversations, I feel like this is one of the
most important things you've said so far.
149
00:07:58,750 --> 00:08:01,949
It's all it's all been great, but one of the
most important things because we're not like
150
00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:03,870
you said, we're not taught how to do this well.
151
00:08:04,535 --> 00:08:09,175
And I've seen this so many times like, you
know, even in my personal life, somebody just
152
00:08:09,175 --> 00:08:11,495
saying, okay, well I'm sorry, you know.
153
00:08:11,495 --> 00:08:17,735
And even if we say that really sincerely, it is
so different than doing what you're saying.
154
00:08:17,735 --> 00:08:22,759
Like, I'm sorry and like owning it and taking
responsibility and talking about repair and
155
00:08:22,759 --> 00:08:24,040
understanding impact.
156
00:08:24,759 --> 00:08:29,319
And and I do think if people are, like you're
saying, like if people are finding that they're
157
00:08:29,319 --> 00:08:34,534
they're so triggered about these past things,
well, that probably means that it's not
158
00:08:34,534 --> 00:08:35,014
resolved.
159
00:08:35,014 --> 00:08:38,534
It probably means that this has been festering
for a long period of time and until we actually
160
00:08:38,534 --> 00:08:42,615
get to that point where we're gonna get
resolution through something like this five
161
00:08:42,615 --> 00:08:46,214
finger apology method, we're really probably
not gonna get very far.
162
00:08:46,870 --> 00:08:50,149
Is there anything else from a standpoint of
repair?
163
00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:54,550
And and I know there's many things that that go
into your methodology.
164
00:08:54,629 --> 00:08:58,149
But from a standpoint of like, okay, we
absolutely have to do.
165
00:08:58,149 --> 00:08:59,910
This is like the next most important thing.
166
00:08:59,910 --> 00:09:01,269
Is there anything else you wanna add on?
167
00:09:03,195 --> 00:09:06,315
I would say timing, tongue, and tone.
168
00:09:06,394 --> 00:09:09,115
The three t's are really important.
169
00:09:09,195 --> 00:09:13,434
Timing, make sure that you're not bombarding
them and being like, okay, well, we have to
170
00:09:13,434 --> 00:09:15,274
repair this as soon as they walk in the door.
171
00:09:15,514 --> 00:09:21,759
Additional with timing, our bodies like, our
brains only handle an emotion for about ninety
172
00:09:21,759 --> 00:09:22,160
seconds.
173
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:23,200
Think about a toddler.
174
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:23,600
Right?
175
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:24,960
They're they're mad.
176
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:28,720
You said no that they couldn't have, you know,
whatever toy it was.
177
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:30,879
Ninety seconds later, they're doing something
else.
178
00:09:30,879 --> 00:09:31,279
It's fine.
179
00:09:31,704 --> 00:09:36,184
The reason that we're pissed for a really long
time is because we keep ruminating about it.
180
00:09:36,184 --> 00:09:38,904
If I would've just said this, if she would've
done that, oh my god.
181
00:09:38,904 --> 00:09:40,745
I can't believe that he blah blah blah.
182
00:09:40,825 --> 00:09:44,345
Like, that's why we get mad is because we're
ruminating about it.
183
00:09:44,424 --> 00:09:51,009
So with timing, if you're not repairing within
twenty four hours, like, it's I'm I am the
184
00:09:51,009 --> 00:09:53,410
coach that will absolutely tell you, go to bed.
185
00:09:53,730 --> 00:09:54,610
Go to bed.
186
00:09:55,009 --> 00:09:58,769
Because a lot of times you're gonna wake up the
next morning and you're actually rested, and
187
00:09:58,769 --> 00:10:00,210
you're like, that was stupid.
188
00:10:00,450 --> 00:10:00,769
Right?
189
00:10:01,404 --> 00:10:05,325
But if you're not repairing within twenty four
hours, it's because you're choosing to stay
190
00:10:05,325 --> 00:10:06,125
childish.
191
00:10:06,284 --> 00:10:07,004
So there's that.
192
00:10:07,004 --> 00:10:08,524
So timing is really important.
193
00:10:08,684 --> 00:10:14,524
When you have the repair as well as, you know,
as why you're not having the repair.
194
00:10:14,764 --> 00:10:16,365
Tongue, watch your words.
195
00:10:16,839 --> 00:10:17,320
K?
196
00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:22,839
Don't I'm sorry, but if you would have done
this, or I only did this because you did that.
197
00:10:22,839 --> 00:10:23,320
No.
198
00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:24,759
That's not taking accountability.
199
00:10:24,759 --> 00:10:25,799
That's not a repair.
200
00:10:25,879 --> 00:10:27,080
So watch your words.
201
00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:29,159
And then third is tone.
202
00:10:29,565 --> 00:10:33,725
How you start the conversation is 90% of the
time how it's gonna end.
203
00:10:33,965 --> 00:10:38,445
So if you come in guns blazing, it's probably
not gonna work out for you very well.
204
00:10:38,524 --> 00:10:45,580
But if you come in with a soft start of startup
of like, hey, are you in the headspace to talk
205
00:10:45,580 --> 00:10:46,860
about what happened earlier?
206
00:10:46,860 --> 00:10:48,300
I would like to apologize.
207
00:10:48,540 --> 00:10:50,300
That's probably gonna go a lot better.
208
00:10:50,700 --> 00:10:52,300
So tongue, timing, and tone.
209
00:10:52,300 --> 00:10:58,220
I just wanna take a quick break to say one of
the number one things that leads to a lack or
210
00:10:58,220 --> 00:11:04,754
just a slowing of passion in the relationship
is thinking that our partner's body and mind
211
00:11:04,754 --> 00:11:08,915
and spirit is going to be the same today as
tomorrow.
212
00:11:09,235 --> 00:11:15,850
So one of the things that happens for so many
bodies especially for female bodies is that
213
00:11:15,850 --> 00:11:19,209
with time, the pleasure needs change.
214
00:11:19,289 --> 00:11:24,570
And we get into those sexual scripts and those
habits of doing the same thing over and over
215
00:11:24,570 --> 00:11:29,769
and over again, not always realizing that our
pleasure body is wanting something else.
216
00:11:30,304 --> 00:11:36,945
This creates a lack of passion, a desire, a
lack of orgasm, and it's one of the reasons why
217
00:11:36,945 --> 00:11:39,985
bedrooms can start to get quieter.
218
00:11:40,384 --> 00:11:48,679
I talk about how to fix this and so much more
walking you through a step by step guide for an
219
00:11:48,679 --> 00:11:52,440
entire year if you want on how to improve your
pleasure life.
220
00:11:52,519 --> 00:11:58,279
Start with a free trial, stay for a month, stay
for the year, make it yours.
221
00:11:58,695 --> 00:12:03,654
You'll see all of this and more and how to get
started in the show notes below this video.
222
00:12:03,654 --> 00:12:07,254
I hope you will join me in my Hot Monogamy
Society.
223
00:12:07,575 --> 00:12:10,294
Now let's get back to our episode.
224
00:12:11,850 --> 00:12:12,250
Yeah.
225
00:12:12,250 --> 00:12:15,050
And thank you for the really specific examples
on those.
226
00:12:15,529 --> 00:12:16,570
So helpful.
227
00:12:16,649 --> 00:12:19,210
I do wanna get into attachment styles.
228
00:12:19,210 --> 00:12:24,144
I I wanna talk and and I'm gonna take a pause
at a moment, but I wanna talk about what people
229
00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:29,904
get wrong with attachment styles because
attachment is one of these conversations that I
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think is getting thrown online.
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It's like constantly something that a lot of
people are finding a lot of awareness around is
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these attachment styles.
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But I think oftentimes just like gaslighting
was the, you know, the most looked up word of
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the year a couple years ago, and then people
were overusing it and applying it wrong and
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that sort of thing and just, you know, almost,
like hyper obsessing with it even though it was
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a problem.
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Kind of take it too far.
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And I'm curious about that with attachment
styles, but before we get there, I do want to
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make sure everybody remind is reminded of one
of the least mysterious things in the sexual
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wellness aisle and this is physics.
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00:13:09,509 --> 00:13:13,429
And what physics what I mean by physics is
suction moves blood.
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And in order to get aroused, in order to feel
pleasure for both men and women, women get left
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out of this conversation so much.
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00:13:20,949 --> 00:13:25,554
But in order to feel pleasure, in order to have
rock hard erections, in order to have erections
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00:13:25,554 --> 00:13:30,355
in your forties and fifties like you did in
your teens and twenties, you gotta move blood,
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00:13:30,355 --> 00:13:30,995
just period.
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00:13:30,995 --> 00:13:35,794
There is more to that than it, but there is
more than just that, but this is an essential
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00:13:35,794 --> 00:13:40,830
part of it, Which is why I'm so into the
company from doctor Joel Kaplan where we have
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00:13:40,830 --> 00:13:45,230
lady pumps and penis pumps, where you have
basically different sized cylinders.
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00:13:45,230 --> 00:13:46,509
They make tons of different sizes.
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00:13:46,509 --> 00:13:48,110
I'm just holding a couple up today.
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00:13:48,269 --> 00:13:53,575
You have this vacuum and it's a suction
pressure that you can really dial in specific
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to your needs.
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00:13:55,735 --> 00:14:00,375
And they also have versions for women and
different sizes for women.
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00:14:00,535 --> 00:14:06,169
And when you use these, many people report
feeling better pleasure, longer erections, and
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00:14:06,169 --> 00:14:11,289
the cool thing is men actually grow in size and
girth and these changes have been shown in
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00:14:11,289 --> 00:14:12,490
studies to last.
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00:14:12,649 --> 00:14:15,929
So you'll find links for that in the show notes
as well as coupon codes.
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So now let's get into attachments.
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So can you give us like briefly just to make
sure everybody's on the same page because while
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I know most of you have probably heard of
attachment styles, I do know some of you have
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not.
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So Cameron, would you kinda just briefly give
us an overview of what they are?
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And then I wanna get into what people are
getting wrong with them, how are they using
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them inappropriately with their with their
conflicts, and how we can basically use them in
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a better, more effective way for our marriages.
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Yeah.
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So your attachment style basically is an
overview of and a conditioning for how you were
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raised from birth to three.
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So when you were little, were your emotional
needs met?
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Almost every couple that comes to me, one or
both, will say, I had a great childhood.
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I don't know.
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I you know, there wasn't anything wrong with my
childhood.
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It wasn't overly traumatic.
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And then I asked the question, were your
emotional needs met?
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And it's like deer in the headlights.
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And this is the thing.
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So if you had part a parent or both parents
that weren't really emotionally attuned, they
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just were kinda like, go to your room, till
you're good kind of thing, most likely, you're
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gonna be a dismissive avoidant.
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If you had a lot of trauma in your childhood, a
lot of death, a lot of maybe you had one parent
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that was a dismissive avoidant, one parent that
was anxious.
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Sometimes your emotional needs were met,
sometimes they weren't.
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You are always on high alert of like, okay, I'm
looking for body language.
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I'm looking for tone.
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I'm, you know, I'm always walking on eggshells
in my home.
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00:15:54,745 --> 00:16:00,139
And this is your entire childhood from, usually
your attachment style is set from birth to
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three.
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But we don't remember those times.
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So thinking back to the behaviors that happened
from birth to about 10, that's when you're
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you'll you'll be able to figure out what your
what your attachment style is.
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So anxious is gonna be you had either one
parent that was very emotionally attuned and
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one that wasn't, or you had one parent that was
very volatile, and you were always walking on
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eggshells, and maybe another parent that wasn't
attuned at all.
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00:16:26,830 --> 00:16:31,470
So that is if you if you have a lot of trauma,
you're gonna be a fearful avoidant.
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If you just were always on high alert, you're
gonna be an anxious preoccupied.
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00:16:35,629 --> 00:16:38,669
Those are usually the three that are talked
about.
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Fearful avoidant can also be talked about as a
disorganized attachment.
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So it just kinda depends on, you know, what
training your provider has or the person that
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00:16:50,764 --> 00:16:53,639
you're following on Instagram has has had.
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So that's a higher level overview of what they
are.
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00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:02,040
And then I think there's it's probably easy
easy for a lot of people to start to understand
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where this comes up in conflict.
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Right?
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00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:10,194
Somebody that's gonna be more avoidant is gonna
be oftentimes exactly that, shut down, leave,
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not have the conversation versus like that
anxious person's going to have that tendency.
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00:17:14,994 --> 00:17:19,234
And so we'll get into a little bit more of that
in a moment, but but first I'm wondering, like,
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can we go back to my other question which is,
do you see common ways that these are and
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00:17:24,630 --> 00:17:29,029
problematic ways that these are maybe misused
especially in in relationships?
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00:17:29,269 --> 00:17:31,589
Or do you have any examples of that at all?
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00:17:32,150 --> 00:17:32,630
Yeah.
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A lot of
313
00:17:33,109 --> 00:17:37,974
times, here's the thing about about anything
like this.
314
00:17:37,974 --> 00:17:38,214
Right?
315
00:17:38,214 --> 00:17:42,854
Like attachment styles, your enneagram number,
your Myers Briggs.
316
00:17:42,934 --> 00:17:43,414
Yes.
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00:17:43,414 --> 00:17:48,534
They're great tools to learn about yourself, to
learn why you are the way you are, those kinds
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of things.
319
00:17:49,099 --> 00:17:51,900
But at the end of the day, it's all your
trauma.
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It's all childhood trauma and conditioning that
has to be overcome that like we talked about
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00:17:57,339 --> 00:18:01,259
last week, did you see a healthy relationship
growing up?
322
00:18:01,259 --> 00:18:02,380
Do you even know what that is?
323
00:18:02,805 --> 00:18:07,285
And if you have an insecure attachment style,
which is the three that I mentioned, I forgot
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00:18:07,285 --> 00:18:09,605
to mention the most important one, which is
secure.
325
00:18:10,085 --> 00:18:13,285
Secure attachment means I have a healthy
relationship.
326
00:18:13,605 --> 00:18:16,565
If you're if you're not good, I'm still good.
327
00:18:16,565 --> 00:18:19,789
Like, my emotions are not run by yours.
328
00:18:19,950 --> 00:18:26,990
So that being said, yeah, like a lot of people
will say, oh, I'm I'm secure.
329
00:18:27,630 --> 00:18:32,509
Well, you might be secure outside of a
relationship, but you can only do about 70% of
330
00:18:32,509 --> 00:18:33,950
that work outside of a relationship.
331
00:18:34,865 --> 00:18:39,184
So you're still insecure if you're not in a
relationship.
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00:18:39,504 --> 00:18:40,144
K?
333
00:18:40,224 --> 00:18:41,264
So there's that.
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00:18:41,264 --> 00:18:43,104
That's a misconception that people have.
335
00:18:43,105 --> 00:18:50,840
Another one is using that against your partner,
especially in conflict of like saying something
336
00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:53,640
like, oh my god, you're such a you're such an
avoidant.
337
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:57,000
Or, well, if you weren't such a dismissive
avoidant, this wouldn't happen.
338
00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:58,599
Something like that.
339
00:19:00,359 --> 00:19:06,354
So those are usually the most common things
that I see that are that are misused.
340
00:19:06,674 --> 00:19:07,075
Yeah.
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00:19:07,075 --> 00:19:12,115
One thing that I love that you said that
reminds me of when I was working with a
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00:19:12,115 --> 00:19:16,914
therapist years ago and I was working with with
attachment styles.
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00:19:16,914 --> 00:19:19,960
I have gone back in my my history.
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00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:22,440
I'm not sure if I was anxious or I was
disorganized.
345
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:27,079
I feel like I'm very secure now, but it was
this therapist that really helped me because
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00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:31,160
what she said to me is as I I came to her was
like, well, I don't want to get another
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00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:34,384
relationship until I heal this past stuff.
348
00:19:34,384 --> 00:19:34,864
Right?
349
00:19:35,265 --> 00:19:39,825
And what she said to me is so analogous, it's
so similar to what you said, which was you
350
00:19:39,825 --> 00:19:43,984
cannot heal a relationship problem if you're
not in a relationship.
351
00:19:44,065 --> 00:19:51,250
And it really took getting into a relationship
with my current partner who is a very secure
352
00:19:52,210 --> 00:19:58,815
attachment style and and that being modeled for
me, that and so I was doing the work time in
353
00:19:58,815 --> 00:20:03,454
the relationship, but I think that's a hugely
misunderstood thing is we have to be whole
354
00:20:03,454 --> 00:20:08,015
before we go into the relationship when certain
problems are actually only going to be healed
355
00:20:08,015 --> 00:20:09,694
inside the relationship.
356
00:20:09,934 --> 00:20:10,174
Right?
357
00:20:10,174 --> 00:20:10,815
That's right.
358
00:20:10,894 --> 00:20:11,294
Yeah.
359
00:20:11,294 --> 00:20:18,230
So in, you know, and then looking at this from
a standpoint of conflict, so how are you seeing
360
00:20:18,230 --> 00:20:19,109
this show up?
361
00:20:19,109 --> 00:20:23,509
And in particular, I'm wondering how does it
show up even in in sex and intimacy?
362
00:20:23,509 --> 00:20:29,394
Does can you give us a sense of how with an
anxious or avoidant type of pattern, how people
363
00:20:29,394 --> 00:20:34,755
would actually go into their their conflict
conversations, but also in thinking about how
364
00:20:34,755 --> 00:20:37,875
they engage in intimate and physical and sexual
intimacy?
365
00:20:38,460 --> 00:20:39,259
Absolutely.
366
00:20:39,259 --> 00:20:40,299
Love that question.
367
00:20:40,299 --> 00:20:42,380
So I call it the loop of doom.
368
00:20:42,380 --> 00:20:45,899
It's called that a lot of times on online as
well.
369
00:20:46,299 --> 00:20:50,940
So what's gonna happen is one person, usually
the one who's anxious preoccupied, because this
370
00:20:50,940 --> 00:20:55,485
is the most common dynamic, is anxious
preoccupied with a with a dismissive avoidant.
371
00:20:55,485 --> 00:20:56,045
K?
372
00:20:56,205 --> 00:21:00,045
So in anxious preoccupied, you're not even
gonna realize it, but when you go and you're
373
00:21:00,045 --> 00:21:04,365
asking for connection, you're shaming, blaming,
questioning, criticizing.
374
00:21:04,445 --> 00:21:05,005
K?
375
00:21:05,325 --> 00:21:11,220
Well, all that does, if you picture an infinity
symbol, all that does then is activate an
376
00:21:11,220 --> 00:21:15,220
avoidance inner narrative of I'm stupid.
377
00:21:15,220 --> 00:21:16,819
I'm never gonna be enough for her.
378
00:21:16,819 --> 00:21:18,660
I'm never gonna be able to give her what she
wants.
379
00:21:18,660 --> 00:21:24,974
And I say her because 75% of the time, women
are the anxious preoccupied where men are the
380
00:21:24,974 --> 00:21:26,095
dismissive avoidant.
381
00:21:26,095 --> 00:21:31,855
I do occasionally see that flip flopped, but
not nearly as much as I see it with the woman
382
00:21:31,855 --> 00:21:33,934
being the AP and the man being a DA.
383
00:21:34,829 --> 00:21:35,470
Okay.
384
00:21:35,710 --> 00:21:38,670
So he is sitting here thinking, I'm never gonna
be enough.
385
00:21:38,670 --> 00:21:39,789
I I can't do it.
386
00:21:39,789 --> 00:21:40,909
Like, all these things.
387
00:21:40,990 --> 00:21:42,029
So what's he do?
388
00:21:42,029 --> 00:21:43,549
He feels shame.
389
00:21:43,710 --> 00:21:44,750
He feels anger.
390
00:21:44,750 --> 00:21:45,789
He feels sadness.
391
00:21:46,285 --> 00:21:47,484
So he avoids.
392
00:21:47,884 --> 00:21:54,204
He drugs, alcohol, porn, scrolling on my phone,
things like that.
393
00:21:54,204 --> 00:21:54,605
Right?
394
00:21:54,605 --> 00:21:56,045
What does that do for her then?
395
00:21:56,045 --> 00:21:58,684
Go back down the other side of the infinity
symbol.
396
00:21:59,259 --> 00:22:04,539
That's going to then in like, trigger in her
narrative, can't trust him.
397
00:22:04,859 --> 00:22:06,940
He's he's never he doesn't love me.
398
00:22:06,940 --> 00:22:07,980
He doesn't care.
399
00:22:09,019 --> 00:22:11,500
He I'm never gonna be good enough for him.
400
00:22:12,055 --> 00:22:16,454
So for him, the DA thinks what I do is never
good enough.
401
00:22:16,535 --> 00:22:19,335
For an AP, it's I am never good enough.
402
00:22:19,335 --> 00:22:20,375
So those are different.
403
00:22:20,375 --> 00:22:20,855
Okay?
404
00:22:20,855 --> 00:22:26,295
But they're triggering the exact same emotions,
anger, sadness, loneliness, things like that.
405
00:22:26,710 --> 00:22:28,470
How does this show up in sex?
406
00:22:28,470 --> 00:22:29,109
K?
407
00:22:29,430 --> 00:22:34,309
A lot of times, a DA is going to use and even
an FA.
408
00:22:34,390 --> 00:22:39,190
Because the thing for a fearful avoidant,
they're gonna run the gamut sometimes within a
409
00:22:39,190 --> 00:22:39,910
ten minute period.
410
00:22:40,214 --> 00:22:43,734
So they're gonna have dismissive traits and
anxious traits.
411
00:22:43,734 --> 00:22:44,294
Okay?
412
00:22:44,535 --> 00:22:49,815
So for all of you FAs out there, like, you
gotta really think about how you show up in
413
00:22:49,815 --> 00:22:50,534
conflict.
414
00:22:51,174 --> 00:22:57,149
I used to be an FA, and the way that I did, I
lean heavily to the anxious side.
415
00:22:57,230 --> 00:22:57,869
K?
416
00:22:58,589 --> 00:23:04,269
So for this, a lot of times, an avoidant is
going a dismissive avoidant is gonna use sex to
417
00:23:04,269 --> 00:23:10,585
reconnect, or they're going to use it as a
coping strategy where what what we talked about
418
00:23:10,585 --> 00:23:13,464
was, like, scrolling on your phone, porn,
things like that.
419
00:23:13,625 --> 00:23:15,625
They're gonna use sex to numb out.
420
00:23:15,625 --> 00:23:17,464
I don't like the way I'm feeling in my body.
421
00:23:18,070 --> 00:23:23,430
I don't know how to name that emotion because
again, when they were kids, they were told to
422
00:23:23,430 --> 00:23:25,670
go to their room and handle their emotions on
their own.
423
00:23:25,990 --> 00:23:30,150
They weren't ever sat like, their parents never
sat with them and said, oh, you must be feeling
424
00:23:30,150 --> 00:23:30,710
disappointed.
425
00:23:30,974 --> 00:23:36,974
They don't have the vocabulary, not because
they're stupid, they just simply weren't taught
426
00:23:36,974 --> 00:23:38,254
what they're feeling.
427
00:23:38,575 --> 00:23:42,575
So they know it feels like crap, but they don't
know how to name it.
428
00:23:42,894 --> 00:23:46,414
So they will use sex as a way to not feel that
way anymore.
429
00:23:47,669 --> 00:23:51,749
And anxious will use sex as, okay.
430
00:23:51,909 --> 00:23:54,389
He's having sex with me, so now we're good.
431
00:23:54,710 --> 00:23:58,069
We're like, that's the reconnection point, the,
like, come closer.
432
00:23:58,069 --> 00:23:59,429
I need you kind of thing.
433
00:23:59,894 --> 00:24:02,775
Where a dismissive avoidant, it doesn't mean
that at all.
434
00:24:02,934 --> 00:24:06,455
Because a lot of times, a dismissive avoidant
may be having sex with you, but they're not
435
00:24:06,455 --> 00:24:07,174
connected.
436
00:24:08,134 --> 00:24:10,455
That emotional connection is not there for
them.
437
00:24:11,830 --> 00:24:12,230
Yeah.
438
00:24:12,230 --> 00:24:13,029
Really helpful.
439
00:24:13,029 --> 00:24:15,269
I think it's an important thing to realize too.
440
00:24:15,269 --> 00:24:19,350
Mean, oftentimes people say, you know, sex can
be the barometer of marriage, but what you're
441
00:24:19,350 --> 00:24:23,590
bringing up is like, it doesn't you know, that
doesn't necessarily mean that's true.
442
00:24:23,590 --> 00:24:23,830
Right?
443
00:24:23,830 --> 00:24:28,855
Somebody can be completely engaged with that,
but actually at the core disengaged from the
444
00:24:28,855 --> 00:24:32,374
relationship and checked out and literally just
going through the motions.
445
00:24:32,615 --> 00:24:33,254
Absolutely.
446
00:24:33,254 --> 00:24:37,734
So such great, information you gave us today
and last week.
447
00:24:38,279 --> 00:24:43,080
I know we have to let you go here, but I do
know people are gonna wanna connect with you to
448
00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:44,599
continue this conversation.
449
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:49,640
I know you have a great couple places for
people to get started with your work, and some
450
00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:52,845
of it is even free gifts for people, free
information for people.
451
00:24:52,845 --> 00:24:54,845
So can you tell us a little bit about that?
452
00:24:55,724 --> 00:24:56,125
Yeah.
453
00:24:56,125 --> 00:24:59,644
You can always find me on Instagram at Mary dot
Anne dot connected.
454
00:24:59,644 --> 00:25:04,365
You can find me in my free school community
where there are oodles and gobs of workshops
455
00:25:04,365 --> 00:25:11,599
and resources and all kinds of different
coaching for free for you to better your
456
00:25:11,599 --> 00:25:12,480
marriage that way.
457
00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:16,240
And then I'm also on Substack, so you can find
me on there.
458
00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:18,160
I have an email newsletter that goes out.
459
00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:20,880
You can read it in seven minutes or less every
single Thursday.
460
00:25:21,194 --> 00:25:22,874
That's always got a tip for you.
461
00:25:23,194 --> 00:25:26,954
And yeah, my website,
www.recognizingpotential.com.
462
00:25:27,194 --> 00:25:27,755
Perfect.
463
00:25:27,755 --> 00:25:29,355
And we'll have all of that in the show notes.
464
00:25:29,355 --> 00:25:31,354
I hope everybody does go and check that out.
465
00:25:31,595 --> 00:25:33,514
Please do subscribe if you haven't yet.
466
00:25:33,619 --> 00:25:35,220
Share this with your friends and family.
467
00:25:35,220 --> 00:25:38,179
I know so many people need this information and
Cameron's help.
468
00:25:38,340 --> 00:25:42,259
Thank you again, Cameron, for being here with
us on the lounge, and everybody, I'll see you
469
00:25:42,259 --> 00:25:43,619
again next week.
470
00:25:45,380 --> 00:25:47,380
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
471
00:25:47,545 --> 00:25:49,065
Please don't keep me a secret.
472
00:25:49,065 --> 00:25:50,744
Please share this with your friends.
473
00:25:50,904 --> 00:25:57,384
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as
well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,240
So I call it the loop of doom.
2
00:00:02,240 --> 00:00:05,599
He is sitting here thinking, I'm never gonna be
enough, so he avoids.
3
00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:11,119
That's going to then in like, trigger in her
narrative, can't trust him.
4
00:00:11,119 --> 00:00:14,375
The dismissive avoidant may be having sex with
you, but they're not, like, they're not
5
00:00:14,375 --> 00:00:15,094
connected.
6
00:00:15,174 --> 00:00:19,414
As an adult, I like to teach the five finger
apology method.
7
00:00:19,414 --> 00:00:22,375
I would say timing, tongue, and tone.
8
00:00:22,535 --> 00:00:24,980
The three important.
9
00:00:24,980 --> 00:00:29,859
You might be secure outside of a relationship,
but you can only do about 70% of that work
10
00:00:29,859 --> 00:00:31,300
outside of a relationship.
11
00:00:31,859 --> 00:00:36,179
So you're still insecure if you're not in a
relationship.
12
00:00:36,500 --> 00:00:39,795
Secure attachment means I have a healthy
relationship.
13
00:00:40,115 --> 00:00:43,155
If you're if you're not good, I'm still good.
14
00:00:45,954 --> 00:00:47,315
I'm doctor Diane.
15
00:00:47,315 --> 00:00:50,274
Welcome back to another episode of the Libido
Lounge.
16
00:00:50,274 --> 00:00:57,789
I'm back with Karen Alaricchi today, and we
talked last time about marriage monogamy, how
17
00:00:57,789 --> 00:01:03,469
to actually look at your marriage in
relationship to baseball and whether or not it
18
00:01:03,469 --> 00:01:07,390
is healthy in the way in the questions you're
asking, in the fights you're having.
19
00:01:07,390 --> 00:01:11,295
Are you using fights for productivity or not?
20
00:01:11,534 --> 00:01:13,774
And are you turning towards your partner?
21
00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:18,974
Are you guys engaging in a way where your
marriage can handle those blips because of how
22
00:01:18,974 --> 00:01:21,694
many things are working well and how to analyze
that and more?
23
00:01:22,109 --> 00:01:27,469
Today, we're getting into the conversation
around same old fight.
24
00:01:27,469 --> 00:01:31,310
How do we deal with this thing that happens for
so many couples where we're stuck having the
25
00:01:31,310 --> 00:01:36,189
same old fight, how to repair it, and we're
gonna also talk a little bit about attachment
26
00:01:35,834 --> 00:01:38,795
theory and what this means for you and your
marriage.
27
00:01:39,114 --> 00:01:43,354
So Cameron, who's with me again, is a Gottman
certified marriage coach.
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00:01:43,354 --> 00:01:46,155
She's a host of the Married and Connected
podcast.
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00:01:46,555 --> 00:01:51,680
She's founder of the Recognizing Potential
Coaching Program, and really at the core she
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00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:57,040
helps monogamous couples to have better
marriage, deeper connection, and so much more.
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00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:59,359
So thank you for being here with me again,
Cameron.
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00:01:59,359 --> 00:02:00,480
It's great to be with you.
33
00:02:00,719 --> 00:02:01,200
Thanks.
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00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:02,320
I'm so excited to be back.
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00:02:03,075 --> 00:02:04,114
Same thing.
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00:02:04,114 --> 00:02:06,114
So let's talk about this.
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00:02:06,114 --> 00:02:12,194
So when we are in these situations, right,
where people are I think come to a lot which
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00:02:12,194 --> 00:02:16,914
is, gosh, like we've been married for twenty
years or we've been married for ten or forty or
39
00:02:16,914 --> 00:02:22,830
whatever it is, and it's like we're having like
the same old fight over and over again.
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00:02:23,150 --> 00:02:28,349
One of my initial questions with this is how do
people begin to recognize when they're
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00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:32,735
triggered and everything is maybe reminding
them of this last this last fight or this last
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00:02:32,735 --> 00:02:38,094
thing, this last thing, how do people develop
the ability to recognize, oh, this is actually
43
00:02:38,094 --> 00:02:43,215
a real problem that's happening or wow, this
just reminds me of that old thing that was
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00:02:43,215 --> 00:02:43,935
never resolved?
45
00:02:43,935 --> 00:02:49,569
Like, do we need to differentiate it or is that
actually irrelevant as far as as fixing it?
46
00:02:50,209 --> 00:02:52,129
You actually do need to differentiate it.
47
00:02:52,129 --> 00:02:56,370
And the reason is because a lot of the times
that you are fighting, you're not actually
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00:02:56,370 --> 00:02:57,650
fighting about what you're fighting about.
49
00:02:58,194 --> 00:03:00,355
So let's take money, for example.
50
00:03:00,355 --> 00:03:03,795
Money is a really common argument that people
have.
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00:03:05,074 --> 00:03:07,075
Money isn't just money.
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00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:10,034
Money is representative of something else.
53
00:03:10,034 --> 00:03:16,550
So it could be power, it could be respect, it
could be security, or it could be freedom.
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00:03:16,550 --> 00:03:16,949
K?
55
00:03:16,949 --> 00:03:20,150
Those are typically the the four things that
money means to people.
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00:03:20,310 --> 00:03:25,830
Now if your partner is worried about the bank
account because they money means to them
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00:03:25,830 --> 00:03:32,294
security, but for for you, it means freedom,
and your partner's coming to you saying, no.
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00:03:32,294 --> 00:03:32,454
No.
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00:03:32,454 --> 00:03:32,694
No.
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00:03:32,694 --> 00:03:33,655
We can't spend that.
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00:03:33,655 --> 00:03:34,614
That we need to save.
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00:03:34,614 --> 00:03:35,735
You need to stop spending.
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00:03:35,735 --> 00:03:41,710
You need to cut the Amazon and, you know, all
of that, then they're not getting their
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00:03:41,710 --> 00:03:42,349
freedom.
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00:03:42,830 --> 00:03:45,950
So they may have this vision of like, yeah.
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00:03:45,950 --> 00:03:49,870
But if I spend a little money here, I'm gonna
make a lot of money there.
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00:03:50,189 --> 00:03:52,110
And this is the vision long term.
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00:03:52,110 --> 00:03:53,150
You see what I'm saying?
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00:03:53,150 --> 00:03:58,415
So there's a meaning underneath the surface
that you're not fighting about, that you're
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00:03:58,415 --> 00:04:00,014
that you're not even looking at.
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00:04:00,014 --> 00:04:00,575
K?
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00:04:00,655 --> 00:04:04,895
The other option might be the fact that you're
you know, you have to look at your motives.
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00:04:05,294 --> 00:04:06,895
Are you fighting just to be right?
74
00:04:07,550 --> 00:04:10,990
Are you fighting or are you solving the problem
together?
75
00:04:11,069 --> 00:04:15,950
Are you actually fighting for a solution, or
are you just fighting because you're addicted
76
00:04:15,950 --> 00:04:16,430
to it?
77
00:04:16,430 --> 00:04:17,710
Because that's a thing too.
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00:04:18,270 --> 00:04:24,365
The third thing is when you're having these
perpetual arguments, look at why.
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00:04:24,845 --> 00:04:27,245
Look at what is being said.
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00:04:27,245 --> 00:04:33,485
Again, the message underneath the message, and
also look at the resentments that you carry.
81
00:04:33,724 --> 00:04:39,629
Because resentments come from expectations that
a lot of times weren't verbalized.
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00:04:39,949 --> 00:04:45,629
So going back to the example that we used last
week in the trash, it's well, you didn't take
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00:04:45,629 --> 00:04:46,509
the trash out.
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00:04:46,990 --> 00:04:53,435
Well, you you might have asked them to take the
trash out, but you didn't specify a time.
85
00:04:53,834 --> 00:04:58,314
So to you, again, the trash needed to be taken
out five seconds from then.
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00:04:58,714 --> 00:04:59,915
To them, it's like, yeah.
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00:04:59,915 --> 00:05:01,115
I'll do it in the morning.
88
00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:04,074
So you didn't actually say, hey.
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00:05:04,589 --> 00:05:06,269
Can you take the trash out?
90
00:05:06,269 --> 00:05:11,149
The trash guys are down the street, and also
this has raw chicken that stinks in it kind of
91
00:05:11,149 --> 00:05:11,629
thing.
92
00:05:11,790 --> 00:05:12,189
Right?
93
00:05:12,189 --> 00:05:15,230
So a little bit more communication on your part
would have been great.
94
00:05:15,389 --> 00:05:22,014
So that being said, we have to look at
expectations that weren't met, judgments that
95
00:05:22,014 --> 00:05:26,495
we're making on our partner that actually
really mean that we're judging ourselves, and
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00:05:26,495 --> 00:05:27,215
then we also have
97
00:05:27,215 --> 00:05:30,735
to look at the deeper meaning and and why we
continue to have these arguments.
98
00:05:31,669 --> 00:05:36,949
So Salzen, if I'm understanding you correctly,
like, yes, it is important to differentiate
99
00:05:36,949 --> 00:05:39,669
between, you know, current stuff, past stuff.
100
00:05:39,990 --> 00:05:40,229
Mhmm.
101
00:05:40,229 --> 00:05:44,949
And then is it is it true that we could say
then that one of the first steps then with
102
00:05:44,949 --> 00:05:50,485
actually repairing fights and conflict is one
of the first steps then doing exactly that,
103
00:05:50,485 --> 00:05:53,204
like taking a step back and saying like, what
is my fault?
104
00:05:53,204 --> 00:05:54,485
What is my responsibility?
105
00:05:54,725 --> 00:06:00,050
And owning that as well as like understanding,
like you're saying, like what is beneath it
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00:06:00,050 --> 00:06:00,289
all?
107
00:06:00,289 --> 00:06:01,889
What are we actually fighting about?
108
00:06:01,889 --> 00:06:04,689
Because it's probably in many cases not the
trash.
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00:06:04,849 --> 00:06:08,610
Is that one of the first steps to repairing or
where do people begin if not there?
110
00:06:09,169 --> 00:06:09,569
Yeah.
111
00:06:09,569 --> 00:06:10,129
It is.
112
00:06:10,129 --> 00:06:12,225
But it's also looking at the fact a lot of
113
00:06:12,225 --> 00:06:15,985
times what will trigger people is the fact of
like, oh my god, you keep bringing this up.
114
00:06:16,384 --> 00:06:20,704
Whoever keeps bringing things up in the in the
relationship is still hurt by it.
115
00:06:20,704 --> 00:06:23,024
There actually wasn't repair before.
116
00:06:23,024 --> 00:06:23,584
Okay?
117
00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:27,610
So to to take care of some of those past
things, you might also be taking care of some
118
00:06:27,610 --> 00:06:28,730
present things too.
119
00:06:29,050 --> 00:06:32,970
But you also have to look at the fact that,
like, we were taught to apologize when we were
120
00:06:32,970 --> 00:06:34,730
preschoolers, and that was it.
121
00:06:34,730 --> 00:06:38,569
There was never another lesson for as long as
we were growing up.
122
00:06:38,730 --> 00:06:43,104
So when you're in preschool and you're
learning, sorry, that's probably not gonna cut
123
00:06:43,104 --> 00:06:44,064
it for your partner.
124
00:06:44,225 --> 00:06:48,625
So as an adult, I like to teach the five finger
apology method.
125
00:06:48,785 --> 00:06:52,705
I'm sorry for and actually own what you did.
126
00:06:53,185 --> 00:06:55,185
I know it impacted you in this way.
127
00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:58,080
Here's what I'm gonna do to change that.
128
00:06:58,080 --> 00:06:59,279
Will you forgive me?
129
00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:03,120
And this is what a lot of people are like, oh
my gosh, that's gonna take so long.
130
00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:03,680
No.
131
00:07:03,839 --> 00:07:04,959
Seventeen seconds.
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00:07:04,959 --> 00:07:05,600
Watch.
133
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:08,399
I'm really sorry for being late to dinner.
134
00:07:08,399 --> 00:07:11,120
I know you worked so hard on that meal and I
was late.
135
00:07:11,435 --> 00:07:16,154
In the future, I promise you I'm going to send
a text before I leave the office, or if I'm
136
00:07:16,154 --> 00:07:17,435
gonna be more than five minutes late.
137
00:07:17,435 --> 00:07:18,395
Will you forgive me?
138
00:07:18,955 --> 00:07:20,155
That's all it takes.
139
00:07:20,795 --> 00:07:22,475
So that's how we repair.
140
00:07:23,115 --> 00:07:28,850
And another thing is when you're repairing,
make sure that when your partner is saying,
141
00:07:28,850 --> 00:07:32,449
hey, I'm sorry for these things, that you're
not making it about you.
142
00:07:32,850 --> 00:07:38,625
That you're not saying, well, no, you really
did mean this, or you really did like, no.
143
00:07:39,264 --> 00:07:40,625
Validate their response.
144
00:07:40,625 --> 00:07:44,464
Validate their apology first, and don't make it
about your time.
145
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:48,464
You'll get your time to explain why you did
what you did, but now is not that time.
146
00:07:50,029 --> 00:07:50,430
Yeah.
147
00:07:50,430 --> 00:07:54,350
I think this is one of if everybody is
listening to only one thing in our two
148
00:07:54,350 --> 00:07:58,750
conversations, I feel like this is one of the
most important things you've said so far.
149
00:07:58,750 --> 00:08:01,949
It's all it's all been great, but one of the
most important things because we're not like
150
00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:03,870
you said, we're not taught how to do this well.
151
00:08:04,535 --> 00:08:09,175
And I've seen this so many times like, you
know, even in my personal life, somebody just
152
00:08:09,175 --> 00:08:11,495
saying, okay, well I'm sorry, you know.
153
00:08:11,495 --> 00:08:17,735
And even if we say that really sincerely, it is
so different than doing what you're saying.
154
00:08:17,735 --> 00:08:22,759
Like, I'm sorry and like owning it and taking
responsibility and talking about repair and
155
00:08:22,759 --> 00:08:24,040
understanding impact.
156
00:08:24,759 --> 00:08:29,319
And and I do think if people are, like you're
saying, like if people are finding that they're
157
00:08:29,319 --> 00:08:34,534
they're so triggered about these past things,
well, that probably means that it's not
158
00:08:34,534 --> 00:08:35,014
resolved.
159
00:08:35,014 --> 00:08:38,534
It probably means that this has been festering
for a long period of time and until we actually
160
00:08:38,534 --> 00:08:42,615
get to that point where we're gonna get
resolution through something like this five
161
00:08:42,615 --> 00:08:46,214
finger apology method, we're really probably
not gonna get very far.
162
00:08:46,870 --> 00:08:50,149
Is there anything else from a standpoint of
repair?
163
00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:54,550
And and I know there's many things that that go
into your methodology.
164
00:08:54,629 --> 00:08:58,149
But from a standpoint of like, okay, we
absolutely have to do.
165
00:08:58,149 --> 00:08:59,910
This is like the next most important thing.
166
00:08:59,910 --> 00:09:01,269
Is there anything else you wanna add on?
167
00:09:03,195 --> 00:09:06,315
I would say timing, tongue, and tone.
168
00:09:06,394 --> 00:09:09,115
The three t's are really important.
169
00:09:09,195 --> 00:09:13,434
Timing, make sure that you're not bombarding
them and being like, okay, well, we have to
170
00:09:13,434 --> 00:09:15,274
repair this as soon as they walk in the door.
171
00:09:15,514 --> 00:09:21,759
Additional with timing, our bodies like, our
brains only handle an emotion for about ninety
172
00:09:21,759 --> 00:09:22,160
seconds.
173
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:23,200
Think about a toddler.
174
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:23,600
Right?
175
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:24,960
They're they're mad.
176
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:28,720
You said no that they couldn't have, you know,
whatever toy it was.
177
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:30,879
Ninety seconds later, they're doing something
else.
178
00:09:30,879 --> 00:09:31,279
It's fine.
179
00:09:31,704 --> 00:09:36,184
The reason that we're pissed for a really long
time is because we keep ruminating about it.
180
00:09:36,184 --> 00:09:38,904
If I would've just said this, if she would've
done that, oh my god.
181
00:09:38,904 --> 00:09:40,745
I can't believe that he blah blah blah.
182
00:09:40,825 --> 00:09:44,345
Like, that's why we get mad is because we're
ruminating about it.
183
00:09:44,424 --> 00:09:51,009
So with timing, if you're not repairing within
twenty four hours, like, it's I'm I am the
184
00:09:51,009 --> 00:09:53,410
coach that will absolutely tell you, go to bed.
185
00:09:53,730 --> 00:09:54,610
Go to bed.
186
00:09:55,009 --> 00:09:58,769
Because a lot of times you're gonna wake up the
next morning and you're actually rested, and
187
00:09:58,769 --> 00:10:00,210
you're like, that was stupid.
188
00:10:00,450 --> 00:10:00,769
Right?
189
00:10:01,404 --> 00:10:05,325
But if you're not repairing within twenty four
hours, it's because you're choosing to stay
190
00:10:05,325 --> 00:10:06,125
childish.
191
00:10:06,284 --> 00:10:07,004
So there's that.
192
00:10:07,004 --> 00:10:08,524
So timing is really important.
193
00:10:08,684 --> 00:10:14,524
When you have the repair as well as, you know,
as why you're not having the repair.
194
00:10:14,764 --> 00:10:16,365
Tongue, watch your words.
195
00:10:16,839 --> 00:10:17,320
K?
196
00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:22,839
Don't I'm sorry, but if you would have done
this, or I only did this because you did that.
197
00:10:22,839 --> 00:10:23,320
No.
198
00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:24,759
That's not taking accountability.
199
00:10:24,759 --> 00:10:25,799
That's not a repair.
200
00:10:25,879 --> 00:10:27,080
So watch your words.
201
00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:29,159
And then third is tone.
202
00:10:29,565 --> 00:10:33,725
How you start the conversation is 90% of the
time how it's gonna end.
203
00:10:33,965 --> 00:10:38,445
So if you come in guns blazing, it's probably
not gonna work out for you very well.
204
00:10:38,524 --> 00:10:45,580
But if you come in with a soft start of startup
of like, hey, are you in the headspace to talk
205
00:10:45,580 --> 00:10:46,860
about what happened earlier?
206
00:10:46,860 --> 00:10:48,300
I would like to apologize.
207
00:10:48,540 --> 00:10:50,300
That's probably gonna go a lot better.
208
00:10:50,700 --> 00:10:52,300
So tongue, timing, and tone.
209
00:10:52,300 --> 00:10:58,220
I just wanna take a quick break to say one of
the number one things that leads to a lack or
210
00:10:58,220 --> 00:11:04,754
just a slowing of passion in the relationship
is thinking that our partner's body and mind
211
00:11:04,754 --> 00:11:08,915
and spirit is going to be the same today as
tomorrow.
212
00:11:09,235 --> 00:11:15,850
So one of the things that happens for so many
bodies especially for female bodies is that
213
00:11:15,850 --> 00:11:19,209
with time, the pleasure needs change.
214
00:11:19,289 --> 00:11:24,570
And we get into those sexual scripts and those
habits of doing the same thing over and over
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and over again, not always realizing that our
pleasure body is wanting something else.
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00:11:30,304 --> 00:11:36,945
This creates a lack of passion, a desire, a
lack of orgasm, and it's one of the reasons why
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bedrooms can start to get quieter.
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00:11:40,384 --> 00:11:48,679
I talk about how to fix this and so much more
walking you through a step by step guide for an
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entire year if you want on how to improve your
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Start with a free trial, stay for a month, stay
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You'll see all of this and more and how to get
started in the show notes below this video.
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00:12:03,654 --> 00:12:07,254
I hope you will join me in my Hot Monogamy
Society.
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00:12:07,575 --> 00:12:10,294
Now let's get back to our episode.
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Yeah.
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And thank you for the really specific examples
on those.
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So helpful.
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I do wanna get into attachment styles.
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I I wanna talk and and I'm gonna take a pause
at a moment, but I wanna talk about what people
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get wrong with attachment styles because
attachment is one of these conversations that I
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think is getting thrown online.
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It's like constantly something that a lot of
people are finding a lot of awareness around is
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these attachment styles.
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But I think oftentimes just like gaslighting
was the, you know, the most looked up word of
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the year a couple years ago, and then people
were overusing it and applying it wrong and
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that sort of thing and just, you know, almost,
like hyper obsessing with it even though it was
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a problem.
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Kind of take it too far.
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And I'm curious about that with attachment
styles, but before we get there, I do want to
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make sure everybody remind is reminded of one
of the least mysterious things in the sexual
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wellness aisle and this is physics.
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00:13:09,509 --> 00:13:13,429
And what physics what I mean by physics is
suction moves blood.
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00:13:13,589 --> 00:13:18,789
And in order to get aroused, in order to feel
pleasure for both men and women, women get left
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00:13:18,789 --> 00:13:20,629
out of this conversation so much.
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00:13:20,949 --> 00:13:25,554
But in order to feel pleasure, in order to have
rock hard erections, in order to have erections
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00:13:25,554 --> 00:13:30,355
in your forties and fifties like you did in
your teens and twenties, you gotta move blood,
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00:13:30,355 --> 00:13:30,995
just period.
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00:13:30,995 --> 00:13:35,794
There is more to that than it, but there is
more than just that, but this is an essential
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00:13:35,794 --> 00:13:40,830
part of it, Which is why I'm so into the
company from doctor Joel Kaplan where we have
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lady pumps and penis pumps, where you have
basically different sized cylinders.
250
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They make tons of different sizes.
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I'm just holding a couple up today.
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You have this vacuum and it's a suction
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to your needs.
254
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And they also have versions for women and
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the cool thing is men actually grow in size and
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studies to last.
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So you'll find links for that in the show notes
as well as coupon codes.
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So now let's get into attachments.
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So can you give us like briefly just to make
sure everybody's on the same page because while
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I know most of you have probably heard of
attachment styles, I do know some of you have
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not.
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So Cameron, would you kinda just briefly give
us an overview of what they are?
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And then I wanna get into what people are
getting wrong with them, how are they using
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them inappropriately with their with their
conflicts, and how we can basically use them in
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a better, more effective way for our marriages.
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Yeah.
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So your attachment style basically is an
overview of and a conditioning for how you were
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raised from birth to three.
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So when you were little, were your emotional
needs met?
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Almost every couple that comes to me, one or
both, will say, I had a great childhood.
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I don't know.
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I you know, there wasn't anything wrong with my
childhood.
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It wasn't overly traumatic.
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And then I asked the question, were your
emotional needs met?
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And it's like deer in the headlights.
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And this is the thing.
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So if you had part a parent or both parents
that weren't really emotionally attuned, they
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just were kinda like, go to your room, till
you're good kind of thing, most likely, you're
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gonna be a dismissive avoidant.
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If you had a lot of trauma in your childhood, a
lot of death, a lot of maybe you had one parent
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that was a dismissive avoidant, one parent that
was anxious.
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Sometimes your emotional needs were met,
sometimes they weren't.
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You are always on high alert of like, okay, I'm
looking for body language.
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I'm looking for tone.
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I'm, you know, I'm always walking on eggshells
in my home.
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00:15:54,745 --> 00:16:00,139
And this is your entire childhood from, usually
your attachment style is set from birth to
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three.
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But we don't remember those times.
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So thinking back to the behaviors that happened
from birth to about 10, that's when you're
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00:16:09,899 --> 00:16:12,700
you'll you'll be able to figure out what your
what your attachment style is.
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00:16:13,034 --> 00:16:17,514
So anxious is gonna be you had either one
parent that was very emotionally attuned and
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one that wasn't, or you had one parent that was
very volatile, and you were always walking on
294
00:16:23,674 --> 00:16:26,394
eggshells, and maybe another parent that wasn't
attuned at all.
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00:16:26,830 --> 00:16:31,470
So that is if you if you have a lot of trauma,
you're gonna be a fearful avoidant.
296
00:16:31,710 --> 00:16:35,470
If you just were always on high alert, you're
gonna be an anxious preoccupied.
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00:16:35,629 --> 00:16:38,669
Those are usually the three that are talked
about.
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00:16:39,004 --> 00:16:44,044
Fearful avoidant can also be talked about as a
disorganized attachment.
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00:16:44,445 --> 00:16:50,764
So it just kinda depends on, you know, what
training your provider has or the person that
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00:16:50,764 --> 00:16:53,639
you're following on Instagram has has had.
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So that's a higher level overview of what they
are.
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00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:02,040
And then I think there's it's probably easy
easy for a lot of people to start to understand
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where this comes up in conflict.
304
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:04,440
Right?
305
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:10,194
Somebody that's gonna be more avoidant is gonna
be oftentimes exactly that, shut down, leave,
306
00:17:10,194 --> 00:17:14,354
not have the conversation versus like that
anxious person's going to have that tendency.
307
00:17:14,994 --> 00:17:19,234
And so we'll get into a little bit more of that
in a moment, but but first I'm wondering, like,
308
00:17:19,234 --> 00:17:24,630
can we go back to my other question which is,
do you see common ways that these are and
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00:17:24,630 --> 00:17:29,029
problematic ways that these are maybe misused
especially in in relationships?
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00:17:29,269 --> 00:17:31,589
Or do you have any examples of that at all?
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00:17:32,150 --> 00:17:32,630
Yeah.
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00:17:32,630 --> 00:17:33,109
A lot of
313
00:17:33,109 --> 00:17:37,974
times, here's the thing about about anything
like this.
314
00:17:37,974 --> 00:17:38,214
Right?
315
00:17:38,214 --> 00:17:42,854
Like attachment styles, your enneagram number,
your Myers Briggs.
316
00:17:42,934 --> 00:17:43,414
Yes.
317
00:17:43,414 --> 00:17:48,534
They're great tools to learn about yourself, to
learn why you are the way you are, those kinds
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00:17:48,534 --> 00:17:48,855
of things.
319
00:17:49,099 --> 00:17:51,900
But at the end of the day, it's all your
trauma.
320
00:17:51,900 --> 00:17:57,339
It's all childhood trauma and conditioning that
has to be overcome that like we talked about
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00:17:57,339 --> 00:18:01,259
last week, did you see a healthy relationship
growing up?
322
00:18:01,259 --> 00:18:02,380
Do you even know what that is?
323
00:18:02,805 --> 00:18:07,285
And if you have an insecure attachment style,
which is the three that I mentioned, I forgot
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00:18:07,285 --> 00:18:09,605
to mention the most important one, which is
secure.
325
00:18:10,085 --> 00:18:13,285
Secure attachment means I have a healthy
relationship.
326
00:18:13,605 --> 00:18:16,565
If you're if you're not good, I'm still good.
327
00:18:16,565 --> 00:18:19,789
Like, my emotions are not run by yours.
328
00:18:19,950 --> 00:18:26,990
So that being said, yeah, like a lot of people
will say, oh, I'm I'm secure.
329
00:18:27,630 --> 00:18:32,509
Well, you might be secure outside of a
relationship, but you can only do about 70% of
330
00:18:32,509 --> 00:18:33,950
that work outside of a relationship.
331
00:18:34,865 --> 00:18:39,184
So you're still insecure if you're not in a
relationship.
332
00:18:39,504 --> 00:18:40,144
K?
333
00:18:40,224 --> 00:18:41,264
So there's that.
334
00:18:41,264 --> 00:18:43,104
That's a misconception that people have.
335
00:18:43,105 --> 00:18:50,840
Another one is using that against your partner,
especially in conflict of like saying something
336
00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:53,640
like, oh my god, you're such a you're such an
avoidant.
337
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:57,000
Or, well, if you weren't such a dismissive
avoidant, this wouldn't happen.
338
00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:58,599
Something like that.
339
00:19:00,359 --> 00:19:06,354
So those are usually the most common things
that I see that are that are misused.
340
00:19:06,674 --> 00:19:07,075
Yeah.
341
00:19:07,075 --> 00:19:12,115
One thing that I love that you said that
reminds me of when I was working with a
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00:19:12,115 --> 00:19:16,914
therapist years ago and I was working with with
attachment styles.
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00:19:16,914 --> 00:19:19,960
I have gone back in my my history.
344
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:22,440
I'm not sure if I was anxious or I was
disorganized.
345
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:27,079
I feel like I'm very secure now, but it was
this therapist that really helped me because
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00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:31,160
what she said to me is as I I came to her was
like, well, I don't want to get another
347
00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:34,384
relationship until I heal this past stuff.
348
00:19:34,384 --> 00:19:34,864
Right?
349
00:19:35,265 --> 00:19:39,825
And what she said to me is so analogous, it's
so similar to what you said, which was you
350
00:19:39,825 --> 00:19:43,984
cannot heal a relationship problem if you're
not in a relationship.
351
00:19:44,065 --> 00:19:51,250
And it really took getting into a relationship
with my current partner who is a very secure
352
00:19:52,210 --> 00:19:58,815
attachment style and and that being modeled for
me, that and so I was doing the work time in
353
00:19:58,815 --> 00:20:03,454
the relationship, but I think that's a hugely
misunderstood thing is we have to be whole
354
00:20:03,454 --> 00:20:08,015
before we go into the relationship when certain
problems are actually only going to be healed
355
00:20:08,015 --> 00:20:09,694
inside the relationship.
356
00:20:09,934 --> 00:20:10,174
Right?
357
00:20:10,174 --> 00:20:10,815
That's right.
358
00:20:10,894 --> 00:20:11,294
Yeah.
359
00:20:11,294 --> 00:20:18,230
So in, you know, and then looking at this from
a standpoint of conflict, so how are you seeing
360
00:20:18,230 --> 00:20:19,109
this show up?
361
00:20:19,109 --> 00:20:23,509
And in particular, I'm wondering how does it
show up even in in sex and intimacy?
362
00:20:23,509 --> 00:20:29,394
Does can you give us a sense of how with an
anxious or avoidant type of pattern, how people
363
00:20:29,394 --> 00:20:34,755
would actually go into their their conflict
conversations, but also in thinking about how
364
00:20:34,755 --> 00:20:37,875
they engage in intimate and physical and sexual
intimacy?
365
00:20:38,460 --> 00:20:39,259
Absolutely.
366
00:20:39,259 --> 00:20:40,299
Love that question.
367
00:20:40,299 --> 00:20:42,380
So I call it the loop of doom.
368
00:20:42,380 --> 00:20:45,899
It's called that a lot of times on online as
well.
369
00:20:46,299 --> 00:20:50,940
So what's gonna happen is one person, usually
the one who's anxious preoccupied, because this
370
00:20:50,940 --> 00:20:55,485
is the most common dynamic, is anxious
preoccupied with a with a dismissive avoidant.
371
00:20:55,485 --> 00:20:56,045
K?
372
00:20:56,205 --> 00:21:00,045
So in anxious preoccupied, you're not even
gonna realize it, but when you go and you're
373
00:21:00,045 --> 00:21:04,365
asking for connection, you're shaming, blaming,
questioning, criticizing.
374
00:21:04,445 --> 00:21:05,005
K?
375
00:21:05,325 --> 00:21:11,220
Well, all that does, if you picture an infinity
symbol, all that does then is activate an
376
00:21:11,220 --> 00:21:15,220
avoidance inner narrative of I'm stupid.
377
00:21:15,220 --> 00:21:16,819
I'm never gonna be enough for her.
378
00:21:16,819 --> 00:21:18,660
I'm never gonna be able to give her what she
wants.
379
00:21:18,660 --> 00:21:24,974
And I say her because 75% of the time, women
are the anxious preoccupied where men are the
380
00:21:24,974 --> 00:21:26,095
dismissive avoidant.
381
00:21:26,095 --> 00:21:31,855
I do occasionally see that flip flopped, but
not nearly as much as I see it with the woman
382
00:21:31,855 --> 00:21:33,934
being the AP and the man being a DA.
383
00:21:34,829 --> 00:21:35,470
Okay.
384
00:21:35,710 --> 00:21:38,670
So he is sitting here thinking, I'm never gonna
be enough.
385
00:21:38,670 --> 00:21:39,789
I I can't do it.
386
00:21:39,789 --> 00:21:40,909
Like, all these things.
387
00:21:40,990 --> 00:21:42,029
So what's he do?
388
00:21:42,029 --> 00:21:43,549
He feels shame.
389
00:21:43,710 --> 00:21:44,750
He feels anger.
390
00:21:44,750 --> 00:21:45,789
He feels sadness.
391
00:21:46,285 --> 00:21:47,484
So he avoids.
392
00:21:47,884 --> 00:21:54,204
He drugs, alcohol, porn, scrolling on my phone,
things like that.
393
00:21:54,204 --> 00:21:54,605
Right?
394
00:21:54,605 --> 00:21:56,045
What does that do for her then?
395
00:21:56,045 --> 00:21:58,684
Go back down the other side of the infinity
symbol.
396
00:21:59,259 --> 00:22:04,539
That's going to then in like, trigger in her
narrative, can't trust him.
397
00:22:04,859 --> 00:22:06,940
He's he's never he doesn't love me.
398
00:22:06,940 --> 00:22:07,980
He doesn't care.
399
00:22:09,019 --> 00:22:11,500
He I'm never gonna be good enough for him.
400
00:22:12,055 --> 00:22:16,454
So for him, the DA thinks what I do is never
good enough.
401
00:22:16,535 --> 00:22:19,335
For an AP, it's I am never good enough.
402
00:22:19,335 --> 00:22:20,375
So those are different.
403
00:22:20,375 --> 00:22:20,855
Okay?
404
00:22:20,855 --> 00:22:26,295
But they're triggering the exact same emotions,
anger, sadness, loneliness, things like that.
405
00:22:26,710 --> 00:22:28,470
How does this show up in sex?
406
00:22:28,470 --> 00:22:29,109
K?
407
00:22:29,430 --> 00:22:34,309
A lot of times, a DA is going to use and even
an FA.
408
00:22:34,390 --> 00:22:39,190
Because the thing for a fearful avoidant,
they're gonna run the gamut sometimes within a
409
00:22:39,190 --> 00:22:39,910
ten minute period.
410
00:22:40,214 --> 00:22:43,734
So they're gonna have dismissive traits and
anxious traits.
411
00:22:43,734 --> 00:22:44,294
Okay?
412
00:22:44,535 --> 00:22:49,815
So for all of you FAs out there, like, you
gotta really think about how you show up in
413
00:22:49,815 --> 00:22:50,534
conflict.
414
00:22:51,174 --> 00:22:57,149
I used to be an FA, and the way that I did, I
lean heavily to the anxious side.
415
00:22:57,230 --> 00:22:57,869
K?
416
00:22:58,589 --> 00:23:04,269
So for this, a lot of times, an avoidant is
going a dismissive avoidant is gonna use sex to
417
00:23:04,269 --> 00:23:10,585
reconnect, or they're going to use it as a
coping strategy where what what we talked about
418
00:23:10,585 --> 00:23:13,464
was, like, scrolling on your phone, porn,
things like that.
419
00:23:13,625 --> 00:23:15,625
They're gonna use sex to numb out.
420
00:23:15,625 --> 00:23:17,464
I don't like the way I'm feeling in my body.
421
00:23:18,070 --> 00:23:23,430
I don't know how to name that emotion because
again, when they were kids, they were told to
422
00:23:23,430 --> 00:23:25,670
go to their room and handle their emotions on
their own.
423
00:23:25,990 --> 00:23:30,150
They weren't ever sat like, their parents never
sat with them and said, oh, you must be feeling
424
00:23:30,150 --> 00:23:30,710
disappointed.
425
00:23:30,974 --> 00:23:36,974
They don't have the vocabulary, not because
they're stupid, they just simply weren't taught
426
00:23:36,974 --> 00:23:38,254
what they're feeling.
427
00:23:38,575 --> 00:23:42,575
So they know it feels like crap, but they don't
know how to name it.
428
00:23:42,894 --> 00:23:46,414
So they will use sex as a way to not feel that
way anymore.
429
00:23:47,669 --> 00:23:51,749
And anxious will use sex as, okay.
430
00:23:51,909 --> 00:23:54,389
He's having sex with me, so now we're good.
431
00:23:54,710 --> 00:23:58,069
We're like, that's the reconnection point, the,
like, come closer.
432
00:23:58,069 --> 00:23:59,429
I need you kind of thing.
433
00:23:59,894 --> 00:24:02,775
Where a dismissive avoidant, it doesn't mean
that at all.
434
00:24:02,934 --> 00:24:06,455
Because a lot of times, a dismissive avoidant
may be having sex with you, but they're not
435
00:24:06,455 --> 00:24:07,174
connected.
436
00:24:08,134 --> 00:24:10,455
That emotional connection is not there for
them.
437
00:24:11,830 --> 00:24:12,230
Yeah.
438
00:24:12,230 --> 00:24:13,029
Really helpful.
439
00:24:13,029 --> 00:24:15,269
I think it's an important thing to realize too.
440
00:24:15,269 --> 00:24:19,350
Mean, oftentimes people say, you know, sex can
be the barometer of marriage, but what you're
441
00:24:19,350 --> 00:24:23,590
bringing up is like, it doesn't you know, that
doesn't necessarily mean that's true.
442
00:24:23,590 --> 00:24:23,830
Right?
443
00:24:23,830 --> 00:24:28,855
Somebody can be completely engaged with that,
but actually at the core disengaged from the
444
00:24:28,855 --> 00:24:32,374
relationship and checked out and literally just
going through the motions.
445
00:24:32,615 --> 00:24:33,254
Absolutely.
446
00:24:33,254 --> 00:24:37,734
So such great, information you gave us today
and last week.
447
00:24:38,279 --> 00:24:43,080
I know we have to let you go here, but I do
know people are gonna wanna connect with you to
448
00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:44,599
continue this conversation.
449
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:49,640
I know you have a great couple places for
people to get started with your work, and some
450
00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:52,845
of it is even free gifts for people, free
information for people.
451
00:24:52,845 --> 00:24:54,845
So can you tell us a little bit about that?
452
00:24:55,724 --> 00:24:56,125
Yeah.
453
00:24:56,125 --> 00:24:59,644
You can always find me on Instagram at Mary dot
Anne dot connected.
454
00:24:59,644 --> 00:25:04,365
You can find me in my free school community
where there are oodles and gobs of workshops
455
00:25:04,365 --> 00:25:11,599
and resources and all kinds of different
coaching for free for you to better your
456
00:25:11,599 --> 00:25:12,480
marriage that way.
457
00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:16,240
And then I'm also on Substack, so you can find
me on there.
458
00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:18,160
I have an email newsletter that goes out.
459
00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:20,880
You can read it in seven minutes or less every
single Thursday.
460
00:25:21,194 --> 00:25:22,874
That's always got a tip for you.
461
00:25:23,194 --> 00:25:26,954
And yeah, my website,
www.recognizingpotential.com.
462
00:25:27,194 --> 00:25:27,755
Perfect.
463
00:25:27,755 --> 00:25:29,355
And we'll have all of that in the show notes.
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00:25:29,355 --> 00:25:31,354
I hope everybody does go and check that out.
465
00:25:31,595 --> 00:25:33,514
Please do subscribe if you haven't yet.
466
00:25:33,619 --> 00:25:35,220
Share this with your friends and family.
467
00:25:35,220 --> 00:25:38,179
I know so many people need this information and
Cameron's help.
468
00:25:38,340 --> 00:25:42,259
Thank you again, Cameron, for being here with
us on the lounge, and everybody, I'll see you
469
00:25:42,259 --> 00:25:43,619
again next week.
470
00:25:45,380 --> 00:25:47,380
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
471
00:25:47,545 --> 00:25:49,065
Please don't keep me a secret.
472
00:25:49,065 --> 00:25:50,744
Please share this with your friends.
473
00:25:50,904 --> 00:25:57,384
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as
well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.
