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The average American couple spends four minutes
alone together per day.
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But scientists and researchers say that it
takes a minimum of ninety minutes per week in
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order to have a a strength that like, a strong
connected marriage.
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Four times seven is not 90.
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So Yeah.
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This is this is where we're at.
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If you don't give that time to your partner,
that's when they feel like their skin is being
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ripped off their body.
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It it comes down to a system that I have
basically coined called playing baseball.
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Most marriages that have a communication
problem quote unquote, don't actually have a
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communication problem.
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They have an emotional safety problem.
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I like to say that also marriages have a half
life.
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You could fight every single day of your
marriage and still be happy if you repair well.
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Welcome to another episode of the libido
lounge.
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I'm your host doctor Diane Mueller and I have a
really fun guest today, Cameron Alaricke who is
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a marriage coach, a Gottman certified marriage
coach, and she's host of the Married and
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Connected podcast.
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I'm really excited about this guest because she
works with a lot of what we work with on the
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show, which is monogamous couples really
helping them to strengthen their marriage.
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One of the first things we're gonna talk about
is this concept of divorce proofing and how we
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can and if we can divorce proof our marriage.
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So we're gonna talk about that, communication.
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We're gonna talk about your nervous system and
what's happening to your body during a fight
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and how to work with your your body to actually
have better results when you have conflict and
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so much more.
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So really exciting stuff.
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Welcome to the show today, Cameron.
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Thanks.
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I'm really excited to be here.
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Same same.
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And let's jump right into it.
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So I wanna talk about divorce proofing because
you talk in your work about divorce proofing
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marriage, which sounds like, you know, it
sounds like a really bold promise.
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So what is this?
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Can you, like, walk us through, like, what this
actually means, and is it really possible to
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actually divorce proof marriage?
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Yes.
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It is 100% possible.
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I have done it myself.
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I have helped hundreds of couples do this.
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And the way that this works is, excuse me,
going down it it comes down to a system that I
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have basically coined called playing baseball.
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Playing baseball in your marriage, this is how
this works.
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So I've actually been divorced twice and then
reconciled with my second husband.
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And so the way that this works is and this is
this is if you run the bases correctly, this
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will work.
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If you try to go from, like, batting to second
base, that's where you get a little bit messed
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up, it's in the weeds, and it doesn't work out
right.
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So the way that this works is anytime your
partner comes to you and they're talking to
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you, they're batting.
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K?
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Or you are batting.
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Excuse me.
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They're pitching.
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You are batting.
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And this could be anything from, hey.
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I need help.
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Hey, I'm really struggling with life.
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Hey, I don't think our marriage is where I want
it to be.
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I don't think our sex life is where we want it
to be.
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To, hey, I saw a bird today.
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K?
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Now here's the thing.
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These are called emotional bids.
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They are pitching.
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Pitching.
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You are batting.
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If they tell you, hey, I saw a bird today, and
your response is, okay, like you don't care,
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then basically that that bat that you just had
just falls flat.
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Falls right in front of your feet.
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Okay?
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It's not gonna go anywhere.
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Then if you if you say something snarky, like,
who cares?
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Or, okay, what's for dinner?
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Something like that, guess what?
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You still strike out.
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You go back to the the dugout.
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Here's where people miss this.
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If you're not turning towards your partner at
least 80% of the time, you're going back to the
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dugout.
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And the problem is, and this is where we start
to get into the weeds and, like, start to grow
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apart, is that when you are batting and you're
striking out all the time and going back to the
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dugout, it's more and more and more time in
between times that you get to bat, because now
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your partner doesn't feel safe with you.
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They don't feel safe to come talk to you about
anything.
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K.
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So let's say you master it though, then you get
to run to first base.
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If you look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs,
first first base is safety.
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Physical, financial, emotional, spiritual,
sexual, all the safety.
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K?
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Can your partner come to you about anything and
you're going to respond to them?
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You're going to provide safety.
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Do they have access to the bank accounts?
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Do they know what's coming in?
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You're not keeping secrets.
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You're not you know, there's no dishonesty,
that kind of thing.
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Let's say you master that.
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Then you get to run to second base.
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That's connection.
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This is where people all often, again, strike
out, go back to the the dugout.
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Men and women connect differently.
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A lot of times, men are gonna connect through
shared activities.
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Women are going to connect through open ended
conversation.
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All those questions that you asked when you
were dating, yeah, you still have to ask those
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because your partner's not the same person that
they were a year ago, five years ago, etcetera.
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Third base is emotional intimacy.
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Do you know your partner and know them well?
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Do you have a spec sheet in your phone of ring
size, gifts they want, their favorites, their
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dislikes, all of that kind of stuff?
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Do they know that no matter what happens, that
you're gonna have their back?
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Do they respect you enough, and do you respect
them enough to consider each other no matter
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what the the case may be?
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That kind of thing.
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Then if you have all three of those, that's
where your expertise comes in.
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That's when we have the mind blowing sex that
we can have that we really want and enjoy
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because we're connecting through it, and it's
not just sex where you wake up the next morning
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and be like, wait.
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I I was looking for something in that, and I I
didn't get it.
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So divorce proving your marriage comes down to
basically running those those.
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Yeah.
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I couldn't agree more.
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And and even, like, what I talk about in my
work, libido and sex, I really talk about
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everything you're talking about because I think
we isolate oftentimes libido to just be like
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the sex part.
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But what I see is that it and I I know you do
too.
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It's it's everything that's leading up to that.
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So all of those bases are actually, you know,
in it.
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And my question for you is, like because I know
people are hearing things such as, okay.
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Well, we're gonna respond positively to this
bid.
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Right?
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We're responding positively to this pitch.
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So we're turning towards our partner, as you
said, in those things, and you said 80%.
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So how if people are going to take a step back
and say, like, judge their success with this to
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say, am I doing this well?
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Am I actually turning towards my partner enough
times to outweigh the times where I mess up and
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say, don't respond positively to their bids?
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Like, are you are you recommending people,
like, take a step back and, like, analyze this
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somehow?
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Like, how do I know I'm turning towards my
partner 80%?
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How do people begin to, I guess, I like, kind
of workshop their own relationship to say, is
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this an area where I'm doing well, or is this
an area where I need to put more effort and
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energy?
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Sure.
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Yeah.
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I'm a really big fan of objective reflection
all the time.
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All the time.
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So the way that this is gonna work is when you
are at the end of every day, start asking
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yourself how or if you're just starting this
reflection process, ask yourself, does my
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partner ever tell me that I don't listen?
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Do they say, you never listen to me, or
something like that?
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If that's a yes, you're not turning towards
their bids enough.
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Do they tell you that you love your phone more
than you love them?
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If that's the case, you're not present enough.
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So most likely, you're missing things that
they're saying.
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Do they tell you so think about the things that
they tell you.
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They see, things like, you're always on your
phone.
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You never listen.
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Hey.
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Did you hear what I was saying?
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Hey.
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Do you you know, things like that.
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You can also look at if they say things like,
you don't care.
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You don't care what I'm saying to you or you
don't care about me.
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Those kinds of things.
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If you plan a date or if you're not going on
dates at all, that's another issue.
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It And doesn't have to be like this extravagant
thing.
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But if they're saying things like, I need more
from you.
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I want more out of our out of our relationship.
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I feel disconnected.
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Things like that, there's there's a lack of
turning towards at at some point.
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So it sounds like kind of the the activity,
right, then is at the end of the day, making
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the intention to analyze the day and just take
a set second, a few minutes to reflect on the
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day and say, okay.
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How did my partner respond when I said this?
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How did I respond when they said that?
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And you're just kinda taking account of any of
those interactions.
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Right?
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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And even if you're like if if you're sitting
there and you're like, well, I I think I did.
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Ask them.
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Just ask your partner.
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I mean, like, hey.
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I was listening to this podcast today, and this
is what this, you know, marriage coach said.
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Do you feel like I turned towards you?
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Or do you feel like the balls dropped?
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Just ask.
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But also be willing to hear their answer
because it may not be the one you want.
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So as you talk about these four bases, right,
and as we're talking about, like, you know,
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building, say, the divorce proofing
relationship.
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You find that there's any one thing more than
others that and I I say this, of course, with
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understanding, like, these are all important.
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But you say there's, like, one thing more
important than anything else to really help the
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marriage thrive or if it's not done that would
actually lead to the decimation of the
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marriage?
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I would say safety is the most important
because a lot of times people couples will come
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to me and they'll say, we have a communication
problem.
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We just don't communicate or we're just not
compatible.
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You're never gonna be compatible.
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Like, compatibility is constantly changing.
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So, I mean, there may be seasons where you need
more of something, they need less of something.
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Like, you're you're always changing.
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So I don't really buy into the whole
compatibility thing, but I really do think that
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most marriages that have a communication
problem, quote unquote, don't actually have a
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communication problem.
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They have an emotional safety problem where
they can't they don't feel like they can talk
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to their partner without having to walk on
eggshells or they don't feel like they can talk
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to their partner at all without being dismissed
or minimized or invalidated or something like
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that.
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So what I'm wondering about in that is is when
people say things to their partner or maybe to
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their relationship coach such as, gosh, I'm
just not that attracted to my partner anymore.
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Do you think that sometimes when we feel as
humans that we're not attracted to our partner
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anymore, that we're actually feeling like all
of a sudden that we're maybe not it's not all
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of a sudden, but we're actually feeling
consciously or subconsciously that we're not
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feeling, like, safe and regulated around that
person.
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Could I'm not attracted anymore actually be I'm
not regulated anymore?
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Absolutely.
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And it could also be I'm disconnected.
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I'm so far disconnected that I have so much we
call
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it negative sentiment override where you have
all you can think about is, oh, they didn't
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take the trash out today.
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Not, they must have forgotten.
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Like, there's no benefit of the doubt being
given.
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There's no connection at the end of the day.
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The average American couple spends four minutes
alone together per day.
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00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:03,764
But scientists and researchers say that it
takes a minimum of ninety minutes per week in
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00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:07,524
order to have a a strength that like a strong
connected marriage.
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So I'm not I don't do math.
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I don't numbers and I are not friends, but four
times seven is not 90.
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So Yeah.
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This is this is where we're at.
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So, yeah, absolutely.
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That that attraction is a living, breathing
thing that you have to really pour into.
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And if you're not safe, you're not gonna be
attracted to a person that you don't feel safe
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with, that you can't talk to, that you don't
wanna be around.
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So I feel like some listeners might be going
back and thinking about times where maybe they
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had one night stands or just dated somebody
for, you know, a very short time period and
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still had some sort of, you know, mind blowing
sex, that sort of thing.
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So I wanna address that like, you know, at what
point are we saying with safety that it's
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necessary when we have these times where people
are having, you know, one night stands or these
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very short relationships that don't have that,
but yet are able to have this really profoundly
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intimate experience.
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Can you talk about that that discrepancy a
little bit?
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I just wanna take a quick break to say one of
the number one things that leads to a lack or
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just a slowing of passion in the relationship
is thinking that our partner's body and mind
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and spirit is going to be the same today as
tomorrow.
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So one of the things that happens for so many
bodies, especially for female bodies, is that
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with time, the pleasure needs change.
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And we get into those sexual scripts and those
habits of doing the same thing over and over
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and over again, not always realizing that our
pleasure body is wanting something else.
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This creates a lack of passion, a desire, a
lack of orgasm, and it's one of the reasons why
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bedrooms can start to get quieter.
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00:12:48,809 --> 00:12:57,850
I talk about how to fix this and so much more
walking you through a step by step guide for an
255
00:12:57,345 --> 00:13:00,865
entire year if you want on how to improve your
pleasure life.
256
00:13:01,024 --> 00:13:07,024
Start with a free trial, stay for a month, stay
for the year, make it yours.
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00:13:07,264 --> 00:13:12,144
You'll see all of this and more and how to get
started in the show notes below this video.
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00:13:12,144 --> 00:13:15,790
I hope you will join me in my hot monogamy
society.
259
00:13:16,110 --> 00:13:18,990
Now let's get back to our episode.
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Yeah.
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So that's chemistry.
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For about the first two years of your
relationship, you're running solely on
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chemistry and it's basically attracted to their
their insecure attachment.
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00:13:29,794 --> 00:13:32,914
So you there's a polarity there and it's like
magnets.
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So you just are stuck together and that that's
what that is.
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That's what you're running on.
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This is where so we have there's five cycles of
a relationship, five stages.
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The honeymoon stage is that right there.
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Oh my gosh.
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They're amazing.
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And all of their quirks and all of their little
weirdnesses, you know, all of their their
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things that they do, even like the way that
they hold their spoon is absolutely adorable.
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And they are the most wonderful thing that
ever, you know, landed on the face of the
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earth.
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And then you get married possibly or you get
into a long term relationship and you enter the
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power struggle stage.
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And once you enter the power struggle stage,
that's where chemistry starts to kinda settle
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down a little bit and you start really seeing
this person for who they really are versus the
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fantasy and that, you know, the veil is a
little is lifted.
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And that's when you start thinking, oh my god.
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00:14:25,014 --> 00:14:27,894
If they hold their spoon like that one more
time, I'm gonna choke them.
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00:14:28,054 --> 00:14:33,014
So all of the quirks that they had before that
were so cute, they're not cute anymore.
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00:14:33,014 --> 00:14:35,815
And so now you're looking at this from a
completely different lens.
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It's like the rose colored glasses have been
taken off, and you're actually seeing reality.
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00:14:39,769 --> 00:14:44,490
And that's where the power struggle stage
starts and that's often where couples will
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00:14:44,490 --> 00:14:51,049
either get help or they will figure it out on
their own or they'll divorce is in that power
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00:14:51,049 --> 00:14:51,610
struggle stage.
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Yeah.
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00:14:52,665 --> 00:14:53,625
That's really helpful.
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00:14:53,625 --> 00:14:59,225
And before we go on, I'm going ask you more
about this power struggle stage and really how
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00:14:59,225 --> 00:15:02,345
to work with this, how to fix this if there is
a power struggle.
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00:15:02,345 --> 00:15:06,690
But before I ask you this next question, I want
to make sure everybody knows about one of my
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00:15:06,690 --> 00:15:13,250
favorite ways that we actually see in research
and in testimonial to help couples stay more
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00:15:13,250 --> 00:15:15,970
connected and that is by the pump.
295
00:15:15,970 --> 00:15:19,455
So I'm going to tell you about these pumps
which one of the things about these pumps for
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00:15:19,455 --> 00:15:24,335
men is that men are finding that they can
either lower their dose of Viagra or even
297
00:15:24,335 --> 00:15:29,695
sometimes get off of it and have a lot more
confidence with strong erections.
298
00:15:29,695 --> 00:15:34,179
And this is for people that don't even identify
with having some sort of problem, right, that
299
00:15:34,179 --> 00:15:38,980
are just having some sort of imbalance and are
saying, oh, I would like to connect with my
300
00:15:38,980 --> 00:15:39,539
wife more.
301
00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:41,700
I would like to have stronger erections.
302
00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:45,299
Or it could be somebody that does actually
identify with having erectile dysfunction.
303
00:15:45,834 --> 00:15:47,195
But this company is so amazing.
304
00:15:47,195 --> 00:15:52,394
They come in different sizes and that's really
important for penis pumps because if we don't
305
00:15:52,394 --> 00:15:55,355
have the right size, we can actually cause
problems.
306
00:15:55,355 --> 00:16:01,529
And so all they're doing is they're taking the
suction with this vacuum device and it's really
307
00:16:01,529 --> 00:16:04,730
specific for the amount of suction and
pressure.
308
00:16:04,970 --> 00:16:10,009
And what's also amazing is they also make this
female version of one that actually can go over
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00:16:10,009 --> 00:16:12,089
the labia.
310
00:16:12,424 --> 00:16:18,264
And this one is also amazing because women are
just not given tools to help them with desire,
311
00:16:18,264 --> 00:16:19,865
to help them with pleasure.
312
00:16:20,105 --> 00:16:25,784
In fact, hypoactive sexual desire disorder is
largely something that, while it's a diagnosis
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00:16:25,784 --> 00:16:30,870
for low libido for women, The solution
oftentimes is just relax.
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00:16:31,029 --> 00:16:34,950
And every woman knows out there that just
telling them to relax is not going to work.
315
00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:40,149
And so the lady pump is another amazing way to
get blood flow to this area and really increase
316
00:16:40,149 --> 00:16:40,629
pleasure.
317
00:16:40,965 --> 00:16:45,845
So you can find that information in the show
notes below as well as coupon codes.
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00:16:46,165 --> 00:16:47,764
So then back to my question.
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00:16:47,764 --> 00:16:52,565
So when we're talking about this, you know,
this emotional safety thing and, like, let's
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00:16:52,565 --> 00:16:57,000
say we have this example, right, where somebody
asked to take out the trash or they expected to
321
00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:01,080
take out the trash and then the partner didn't
and they're feeling, you know, pissed.
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00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:05,000
They're making up stories instead of what
you're talking about around, oh, maybe they
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00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:05,640
just forgot.
324
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:10,375
Now it's making up stories they don't care,
they're not interested in helping or whatever
325
00:17:10,375 --> 00:17:11,575
the story is.
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00:17:11,654 --> 00:17:17,654
So when somebody decides they're going to
really relearn how to feel safe in their
327
00:17:17,654 --> 00:17:19,335
relationship, how long?
328
00:17:19,335 --> 00:17:20,919
Like how long does this typically take?
329
00:17:20,919 --> 00:17:25,559
Because if this has been going on for years, is
this something that takes years to get out of?
330
00:17:25,559 --> 00:17:25,960
No.
331
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:26,519
It's not.
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00:17:26,519 --> 00:17:31,240
And in fact, this is why I love what I do so
much and the program that I've created because
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00:17:31,414 --> 00:17:36,375
a lot of times, depending on like, if there's
been infidelity or something like that,
334
00:17:36,375 --> 00:17:39,815
oftentimes, it will take me about one year to
help a couple.
335
00:17:39,974 --> 00:17:45,789
But when you're relearning and you're just
roommates or you've you just kinda you're just
336
00:17:45,789 --> 00:17:49,950
not as connected as you used to be or you're
fighting a lot, you're you're arguing a lot,
337
00:17:49,950 --> 00:17:51,710
you're not really sure if you like each other.
338
00:17:51,710 --> 00:17:56,509
Six six to eight months max is all it takes me
to help a couple like this.
339
00:17:56,829 --> 00:18:01,914
And it's an intense program, but this is why I
love it so much is because it doesn't take
340
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:02,634
forever.
341
00:18:02,714 --> 00:18:04,634
That's nobody wants to be like, okay.
342
00:18:04,634 --> 00:18:08,554
Let's sign up for the next four years when
you've, you know, you've been struggling for
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00:18:08,554 --> 00:18:09,514
the last ten.
344
00:18:09,595 --> 00:18:11,115
So, yeah.
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00:18:11,115 --> 00:18:13,754
I like to say that also marriages have a half
life.
346
00:18:13,914 --> 00:18:19,409
So if you realize one day, you're like, man,
we've really been struggling for ten years.
347
00:18:19,569 --> 00:18:20,450
Like, yeah.
348
00:18:20,450 --> 00:18:21,809
And you've been married twenty.
349
00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:23,329
The last ten have been crap.
350
00:18:23,569 --> 00:18:28,130
Or if you're like, man, we've been married
eight, and, you know, we're struggling.
351
00:18:28,130 --> 00:18:28,450
Yep.
352
00:18:28,450 --> 00:18:30,474
You've probably been struggling for the last
four.
353
00:18:30,474 --> 00:18:35,195
So it takes an average of six six years for
people just to get help, and it doesn't need to
354
00:18:35,195 --> 00:18:35,914
take that long.
355
00:18:35,914 --> 00:18:41,529
Like, if you're struggling I I I love this this
idea that if you were gonna learn a different
356
00:18:41,529 --> 00:18:44,169
language, for example, like, I'm learning a
different language.
357
00:18:44,570 --> 00:18:47,930
My husband's Arabic, so I'm learning Arabic.
358
00:18:47,930 --> 00:18:48,490
Okay?
359
00:18:49,049 --> 00:18:53,210
So it's really hard, but I wouldn't be able to
do that on my own.
360
00:18:53,210 --> 00:18:54,009
So I have a tutor.
361
00:18:54,274 --> 00:18:56,755
I have someone that they can help me with the
dialect.
362
00:18:56,755 --> 00:19:00,755
They can help me help me learn that because God
knows that my husband does not have the
363
00:19:00,755 --> 00:19:01,315
patience.
364
00:19:01,634 --> 00:19:04,594
So for that, like, I'm getting help for that.
365
00:19:04,835 --> 00:19:07,154
I wouldn't just pick up a book and be like,
okay.
366
00:19:07,154 --> 00:19:11,269
Well, you know, and start putting in American
dialects to that.
367
00:19:11,269 --> 00:19:13,989
I'm gonna look like an idiot if I go over to
The Middle East.
368
00:19:14,150 --> 00:19:14,549
Alright.
369
00:19:14,549 --> 00:19:16,230
It's the same thing with marriage.
370
00:19:16,230 --> 00:19:20,069
If you didn't have a great example growing up,
your partner didn't have a great example
371
00:19:20,069 --> 00:19:22,994
growing up, how do you know you only know what
you know.
372
00:19:22,994 --> 00:19:25,474
So how do you how do you expect to have a great
marriage?
373
00:19:25,474 --> 00:19:27,315
How do you expect to have great sex?
374
00:19:27,554 --> 00:19:30,115
If you're like, man, this I've never seen this
done.
375
00:19:30,115 --> 00:19:34,595
I you know, like, yeah, I've had, you know, a
few partners, but didn't really learn anything
376
00:19:34,595 --> 00:19:34,914
from them.
377
00:19:35,230 --> 00:19:40,429
This is why you and I exist is to help people
with with what they don't know.
378
00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:42,669
And that's really all that we need to look at
it as.
379
00:19:42,669 --> 00:19:44,750
It doesn't have to be this big shameful thing.
380
00:19:44,750 --> 00:19:45,149
Yeah.
381
00:19:45,149 --> 00:19:46,190
I completely agree.
382
00:19:46,190 --> 00:19:50,505
And I want I'm gonna ask you in a moment about
practical tools that people can have in the
383
00:19:50,505 --> 00:19:51,944
moment where it's like, oh my gosh.
384
00:19:51,944 --> 00:19:53,384
I'm really feeling triggered.
385
00:19:53,384 --> 00:19:53,625
Right?
386
00:19:53,625 --> 00:19:54,825
I'm my heart's pounding.
387
00:19:54,825 --> 00:19:55,865
I'm feeling pissed.
388
00:19:55,865 --> 00:19:56,984
I'm feeling sad.
389
00:19:56,984 --> 00:20:00,744
I'm feeling like whatever it is that reactive
type of thing and what do we do.
390
00:20:00,744 --> 00:20:04,109
But before that, I wanna make sure that
everybody knows that what we're talking about
391
00:20:04,109 --> 00:20:10,669
with you next week is about how to get all over
that thing that so many people say they have,
392
00:20:10,669 --> 00:20:16,029
which is having the same old fight and how to
really delineate and learn of, like, do I care
393
00:20:16,029 --> 00:20:19,865
about this because I'm just remembering all
these things that I am triggered about from the
394
00:20:19,865 --> 00:20:22,985
past or is this actually a real problem that
needs to be solved?
395
00:20:22,985 --> 00:20:25,305
And so how do we get out of the same old fight
pattern?
396
00:20:25,305 --> 00:20:26,904
That is what's happening next week.
397
00:20:26,904 --> 00:20:32,265
So if you haven't subscribed yet, please do
subscribe so you make sure you get the alert
398
00:20:32,009 --> 00:20:33,769
when we have Cameron back on.
399
00:20:34,089 --> 00:20:38,009
Now we're gonna let people know about some free
resources of yours in a second as well.
400
00:20:38,009 --> 00:20:42,490
But before we do that, just if you can take a
moment to just answer this for us, it's a good
401
00:20:42,490 --> 00:20:48,194
thing way to leave our our time together this
week, which is in that moment when we're
402
00:20:48,194 --> 00:20:56,194
feeling maybe whether we're identifying it with
as unsafe or just emotionally dysregulated,
403
00:20:56,194 --> 00:20:58,994
right, where we're not going to have a
productive conversation.
404
00:20:59,154 --> 00:21:03,850
What kind of tools do you actually give people
to do in that moment to help them start to
405
00:21:03,850 --> 00:21:07,690
reregulate so they can have a conversation that
is more productive?
406
00:21:07,769 --> 00:21:08,090
Yeah.
407
00:21:08,090 --> 00:21:09,130
Love that question.
408
00:21:09,289 --> 00:21:13,369
So this is actually gonna come down to your
your own attachment style, but a lot of people
409
00:21:13,369 --> 00:21:18,384
haven't had the experience, exposure, and
education that I have in attachment styles.
410
00:21:18,384 --> 00:21:20,144
So here's here's what I'm gonna tell you to do.
411
00:21:20,144 --> 00:21:20,625
Okay?
412
00:21:20,865 --> 00:21:21,265
If you
413
00:21:21,424 --> 00:21:24,945
I will go over attachment styles one second,
but I'm gonna, like, I'm gonna ask you about
414
00:21:24,945 --> 00:21:26,945
attachment styles next week as well.
415
00:21:26,945 --> 00:21:27,265
Yeah.
416
00:21:27,265 --> 00:21:28,625
So I just want everybody to, like, learn.
417
00:21:28,625 --> 00:21:31,749
We're gonna what you're talking about, we're
gonna also go deeper into next week.
418
00:21:31,910 --> 00:21:32,230
Yeah.
419
00:21:32,230 --> 00:21:33,829
So this is just really quick.
420
00:21:33,829 --> 00:21:34,309
Okay?
421
00:21:34,390 --> 00:21:37,429
If you're typically the person that leaves the
conversation and you're like,
422
00:21:37,429 --> 00:21:37,750
I'm out.
423
00:21:37,750 --> 00:21:38,390
I can't do this.
424
00:21:38,390 --> 00:21:39,109
I can't do this.
425
00:21:39,109 --> 00:21:39,589
Okay?
426
00:21:39,669 --> 00:21:42,789
I need you to actually sit in it for one more
minute.
427
00:21:42,869 --> 00:21:46,765
And if you can't, I need you to give your
partner a time limit.
428
00:21:46,765 --> 00:21:47,164
K?
429
00:21:47,164 --> 00:21:47,804
Hey.
430
00:21:47,884 --> 00:21:49,724
I'm feeling really dysregulated.
431
00:21:49,724 --> 00:21:51,644
I need to take two hours.
432
00:21:51,804 --> 00:21:53,804
I will come back in two hours.
433
00:21:53,884 --> 00:21:58,299
If you don't give that time to your partner,
that's when they feel like their skin is being
434
00:21:58,299 --> 00:22:01,099
ripped off their body, and that's when they
start chasing you.
435
00:22:01,099 --> 00:22:01,579
K?
436
00:22:01,659 --> 00:22:03,579
They need a time when you're coming back.
437
00:22:03,659 --> 00:22:07,500
If you're typically the person that chases, and
you're like, no, we need to fix this right
438
00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:12,404
right now, know that your partner, when you do
that, their skin feels like they're being
439
00:22:12,404 --> 00:22:13,365
ripped off their body.
440
00:22:13,365 --> 00:22:13,924
K?
441
00:22:14,005 --> 00:22:18,244
So you're the person that needs to say, I see
you're getting in the weeds right now.
442
00:22:18,244 --> 00:22:19,924
I see you're really dysregulated.
443
00:22:20,164 --> 00:22:23,524
How about we come back to this when we're both
a little bit more calm?
444
00:22:23,524 --> 00:22:27,710
So if you're the person that's the chaser,
you're the person that needs to learn to self
445
00:22:27,710 --> 00:22:28,509
regulate.
446
00:22:28,589 --> 00:22:32,109
If you're the runner, you're the one that needs
to co regulate.
447
00:22:32,269 --> 00:22:32,750
Okay?
448
00:22:32,750 --> 00:22:36,190
So come back and always always always repair.
449
00:22:36,269 --> 00:22:42,164
You could fight every single day of your
marriage and still be happy if you repair well.
450
00:22:42,164 --> 00:22:45,524
I love that and I'm gonna ask you so much more
about that next week.
451
00:22:45,765 --> 00:22:49,845
Before we leave today, please tell us a little
bit about some of your resources.
452
00:22:49,845 --> 00:22:54,490
We're gonna have everything in the show notes
for links, but I know you have a great blog.
453
00:22:54,490 --> 00:22:58,250
I know you have courses of free resources for
people to get started with your work.
454
00:22:58,250 --> 00:22:59,690
Can you tell us a little bit about those?
455
00:22:59,690 --> 00:23:00,250
Yes.
456
00:23:00,250 --> 00:23:07,049
So I have a blog post email that goes out every
Thursday where you can get it's a free marriage
457
00:23:07,049 --> 00:23:09,130
tip for the week that will help you.
458
00:23:09,765 --> 00:23:13,845
You can read it in seven minutes or less, and
it goes straight to your inbox, or you can
459
00:23:13,845 --> 00:23:17,044
check it out on Substack at
married.and.connected.
460
00:23:17,045 --> 00:23:23,269
And then I also have a free community where I
have done I do monthly workshops for couples
461
00:23:23,269 --> 00:23:24,789
that are absolutely free.
462
00:23:24,869 --> 00:23:28,789
So you can find all the information in there,
what workshops are coming up, all of those
463
00:23:28,789 --> 00:23:32,309
things inside that school, s k o o l community.
464
00:23:32,470 --> 00:23:40,525
You can also get free resources, oodles and
gobs of free resources on connection questions
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00:23:40,525 --> 00:23:44,765
that you asked when you were dating, but now
it's a little bit awkward or, you know, date
466
00:23:44,765 --> 00:23:49,325
night bingo or connection bingo or bettering
your sex life, things like that.
467
00:23:49,325 --> 00:23:50,765
You can get all of those in that community.
468
00:23:51,259 --> 00:23:51,900
Amazing.
469
00:23:51,900 --> 00:23:54,619
And we will have all those links in the show
notes like I mentioned.
470
00:23:54,619 --> 00:23:59,980
Please tune in next week with Cameron and I
going deep into how to get out of that same old
471
00:23:59,980 --> 00:24:04,460
fight, how to repair relationships, attachment
theory, and what this means for you and your
472
00:24:04,460 --> 00:24:06,059
relationships and so much more.
473
00:24:06,625 --> 00:24:11,104
Thank you Cameron for being here with us and
everybody we'll see you again next time.
474
00:24:13,744 --> 00:24:15,904
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
475
00:24:15,904 --> 00:24:17,505
Please don't keep me a secret.
476
00:24:17,505 --> 00:24:19,104
Please share this with your friends.
477
00:24:19,345 --> 00:24:25,740
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram as
well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,200
The average American couple spends four minutes
alone together per day.
2
00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:10,960
But scientists and researchers say that it
takes a minimum of ninety minutes per week in
3
00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:14,719
order to have a a strength that like, a strong
connected marriage.
4
00:00:14,719 --> 00:00:16,454
Four times seven is not 90.
5
00:00:16,454 --> 00:00:17,095
So Yeah.
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00:00:17,095 --> 00:00:18,535
This is this is where we're at.
7
00:00:18,535 --> 00:00:22,855
If you don't give that time to your partner,
that's when they feel like their skin is being
8
00:00:22,855 --> 00:00:23,975
ripped off their body.
9
00:00:23,975 --> 00:00:30,054
It it comes down to a system that I have
basically coined called playing baseball.
10
00:00:30,300 --> 00:00:35,420
Most marriages that have a communication
problem quote unquote, don't actually have a
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00:00:35,420 --> 00:00:36,460
communication problem.
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00:00:36,460 --> 00:00:38,140
They have an emotional safety problem.
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00:00:38,140 --> 00:00:40,939
I like to say that also marriages have a half
life.
14
00:00:40,939 --> 00:00:47,155
You could fight every single day of your
marriage and still be happy if you repair well.
15
00:00:48,675 --> 00:00:51,954
Welcome to another episode of the libido
lounge.
16
00:00:51,954 --> 00:00:59,715
I'm your host doctor Diane Mueller and I have a
really fun guest today, Cameron Alaricke who is
17
00:00:59,715 --> 00:01:05,060
a marriage coach, a Gottman certified marriage
coach, and she's host of the Married and
18
00:01:05,060 --> 00:01:06,340
Connected podcast.
19
00:01:06,739 --> 00:01:11,939
I'm really excited about this guest because she
works with a lot of what we work with on the
20
00:01:11,939 --> 00:01:16,025
show, which is monogamous couples really
helping them to strengthen their marriage.
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00:01:16,025 --> 00:01:21,385
One of the first things we're gonna talk about
is this concept of divorce proofing and how we
22
00:01:21,385 --> 00:01:24,025
can and if we can divorce proof our marriage.
23
00:01:24,025 --> 00:01:26,265
So we're gonna talk about that, communication.
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00:01:26,265 --> 00:01:30,370
We're gonna talk about your nervous system and
what's happening to your body during a fight
25
00:01:30,530 --> 00:01:36,930
and how to work with your your body to actually
have better results when you have conflict and
26
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:37,890
so much more.
27
00:01:37,890 --> 00:01:39,569
So really exciting stuff.
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00:01:39,650 --> 00:01:41,329
Welcome to the show today, Cameron.
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00:01:41,329 --> 00:01:41,810
Thanks.
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00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:42,850
I'm really excited to be here.
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00:01:42,915 --> 00:01:43,715
Same same.
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00:01:43,715 --> 00:01:45,395
And let's jump right into it.
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00:01:45,395 --> 00:01:50,915
So I wanna talk about divorce proofing because
you talk in your work about divorce proofing
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00:01:50,915 --> 00:01:54,674
marriage, which sounds like, you know, it
sounds like a really bold promise.
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00:01:54,915 --> 00:01:55,954
So what is this?
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00:01:55,954 --> 00:02:00,469
Can you, like, walk us through, like, what this
actually means, and is it really possible to
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00:02:00,469 --> 00:02:02,069
actually divorce proof marriage?
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00:02:02,069 --> 00:02:02,630
Yes.
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00:02:02,630 --> 00:02:04,630
It is 100% possible.
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00:02:04,630 --> 00:02:05,989
I have done it myself.
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00:02:06,150 --> 00:02:08,310
I have helped hundreds of couples do this.
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00:02:08,389 --> 00:02:15,284
And the way that this works is, excuse me,
going down it it comes down to a system that I
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00:02:15,284 --> 00:02:18,325
have basically coined called playing baseball.
44
00:02:18,325 --> 00:02:21,205
Playing baseball in your marriage, this is how
this works.
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00:02:21,205 --> 00:02:26,210
So I've actually been divorced twice and then
reconciled with my second husband.
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00:02:26,210 --> 00:02:31,969
And so the way that this works is and this is
this is if you run the bases correctly, this
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00:02:31,969 --> 00:02:32,690
will work.
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00:02:32,770 --> 00:02:39,125
If you try to go from, like, batting to second
base, that's where you get a little bit messed
49
00:02:39,125 --> 00:02:41,525
up, it's in the weeds, and it doesn't work out
right.
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00:02:41,525 --> 00:02:45,844
So the way that this works is anytime your
partner comes to you and they're talking to
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00:02:45,844 --> 00:02:47,444
you, they're batting.
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00:02:47,525 --> 00:02:47,925
K?
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00:02:47,925 --> 00:02:48,805
Or you are batting.
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00:02:48,805 --> 00:02:49,284
Excuse me.
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00:02:49,284 --> 00:02:50,004
They're pitching.
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00:02:50,004 --> 00:02:50,805
You are batting.
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00:02:50,885 --> 00:02:53,284
And this could be anything from, hey.
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00:02:53,284 --> 00:02:53,925
I need help.
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00:02:54,150 --> 00:02:56,150
Hey, I'm really struggling with life.
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00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:59,030
Hey, I don't think our marriage is where I want
it to be.
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00:02:59,030 --> 00:03:01,349
I don't think our sex life is where we want it
to be.
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00:03:01,509 --> 00:03:03,349
To, hey, I saw a bird today.
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00:03:03,509 --> 00:03:04,069
K?
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00:03:04,229 --> 00:03:05,829
Now here's the thing.
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These are called emotional bids.
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They are pitching.
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00:03:08,175 --> 00:03:08,655
Pitching.
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00:03:08,814 --> 00:03:09,775
You are batting.
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If they tell you, hey, I saw a bird today, and
your response is, okay, like you don't care,
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then basically that that bat that you just had
just falls flat.
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00:03:20,014 --> 00:03:21,375
Falls right in front of your feet.
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Okay?
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It's not gonna go anywhere.
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Then if you if you say something snarky, like,
who cares?
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Or, okay, what's for dinner?
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00:03:28,729 --> 00:03:30,729
Something like that, guess what?
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00:03:30,729 --> 00:03:31,849
You still strike out.
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00:03:31,849 --> 00:03:33,289
You go back to the the dugout.
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00:03:33,289 --> 00:03:34,810
Here's where people miss this.
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00:03:34,810 --> 00:03:39,954
If you're not turning towards your partner at
least 80% of the time, you're going back to the
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00:03:39,954 --> 00:03:40,435
dugout.
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00:03:40,435 --> 00:03:44,514
And the problem is, and this is where we start
to get into the weeds and, like, start to grow
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apart, is that when you are batting and you're
striking out all the time and going back to the
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dugout, it's more and more and more time in
between times that you get to bat, because now
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00:03:55,199 --> 00:03:57,919
your partner doesn't feel safe with you.
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00:03:57,919 --> 00:04:00,240
They don't feel safe to come talk to you about
anything.
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00:04:00,479 --> 00:04:00,800
K.
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00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:04,560
So let's say you master it though, then you get
to run to first base.
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00:04:04,875 --> 00:04:08,794
If you look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs,
first first base is safety.
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00:04:08,875 --> 00:04:13,354
Physical, financial, emotional, spiritual,
sexual, all the safety.
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00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:13,754
K?
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00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:17,995
Can your partner come to you about anything and
you're going to respond to them?
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00:04:17,995 --> 00:04:19,194
You're going to provide safety.
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00:04:19,430 --> 00:04:21,430
Do they have access to the bank accounts?
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00:04:21,430 --> 00:04:23,029
Do they know what's coming in?
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00:04:23,110 --> 00:04:24,790
You're not keeping secrets.
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00:04:24,790 --> 00:04:27,509
You're not you know, there's no dishonesty,
that kind of thing.
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00:04:27,509 --> 00:04:28,949
Let's say you master that.
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00:04:29,029 --> 00:04:30,389
Then you get to run to second base.
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00:04:30,389 --> 00:04:31,110
That's connection.
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00:04:31,110 --> 00:04:36,115
This is where people all often, again, strike
out, go back to the the dugout.
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00:04:36,115 --> 00:04:37,795
Men and women connect differently.
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00:04:37,795 --> 00:04:40,995
A lot of times, men are gonna connect through
shared activities.
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00:04:40,995 --> 00:04:43,314
Women are going to connect through open ended
conversation.
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00:04:43,314 --> 00:04:47,100
All those questions that you asked when you
were dating, yeah, you still have to ask those
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00:04:47,100 --> 00:04:51,980
because your partner's not the same person that
they were a year ago, five years ago, etcetera.
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00:04:51,980 --> 00:04:54,620
Third base is emotional intimacy.
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00:04:54,699 --> 00:04:57,500
Do you know your partner and know them well?
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00:04:57,500 --> 00:05:03,324
Do you have a spec sheet in your phone of ring
size, gifts they want, their favorites, their
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00:05:03,324 --> 00:05:05,324
dislikes, all of that kind of stuff?
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00:05:05,324 --> 00:05:09,725
Do they know that no matter what happens, that
you're gonna have their back?
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00:05:09,725 --> 00:05:15,649
Do they respect you enough, and do you respect
them enough to consider each other no matter
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00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:17,250
what the the case may be?
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00:05:17,410 --> 00:05:18,370
That kind of thing.
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00:05:18,449 --> 00:05:23,170
Then if you have all three of those, that's
where your expertise comes in.
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00:05:23,250 --> 00:05:28,769
That's when we have the mind blowing sex that
we can have that we really want and enjoy
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00:05:28,769 --> 00:05:33,745
because we're connecting through it, and it's
not just sex where you wake up the next morning
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00:05:33,745 --> 00:05:34,625
and be like, wait.
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00:05:34,625 --> 00:05:38,065
I I was looking for something in that, and I I
didn't get it.
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00:05:38,145 --> 00:05:41,185
So divorce proving your marriage comes down to
basically running those those.
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00:05:41,620 --> 00:05:42,019
Yeah.
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00:05:42,019 --> 00:05:42,899
I couldn't agree more.
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00:05:42,899 --> 00:05:47,459
And and even, like, what I talk about in my
work, libido and sex, I really talk about
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00:05:47,459 --> 00:05:51,939
everything you're talking about because I think
we isolate oftentimes libido to just be like
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00:05:51,939 --> 00:05:52,899
the sex part.
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00:05:52,979 --> 00:05:55,714
But what I see is that it and I I know you do
too.
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00:05:55,714 --> 00:05:58,115
It's it's everything that's leading up to that.
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00:05:58,115 --> 00:06:01,475
So all of those bases are actually, you know,
in it.
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00:06:01,555 --> 00:06:05,729
And my question for you is, like because I know
people are hearing things such as, okay.
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00:06:05,729 --> 00:06:08,769
Well, we're gonna respond positively to this
bid.
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00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:09,009
Right?
132
00:06:09,009 --> 00:06:11,009
We're responding positively to this pitch.
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00:06:11,009 --> 00:06:15,569
So we're turning towards our partner, as you
said, in those things, and you said 80%.
134
00:06:15,729 --> 00:06:20,935
So how if people are going to take a step back
and say, like, judge their success with this to
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00:06:20,935 --> 00:06:22,294
say, am I doing this well?
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00:06:22,294 --> 00:06:27,894
Am I actually turning towards my partner enough
times to outweigh the times where I mess up and
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00:06:27,894 --> 00:06:30,615
say, don't respond positively to their bids?
138
00:06:30,935 --> 00:06:34,935
Like, are you are you recommending people,
like, take a step back and, like, analyze this
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00:06:34,935 --> 00:06:35,495
somehow?
140
00:06:35,495 --> 00:06:38,870
Like, how do I know I'm turning towards my
partner 80%?
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00:06:38,949 --> 00:06:45,029
How do people begin to, I guess, I like, kind
of workshop their own relationship to say, is
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00:06:45,029 --> 00:06:49,714
this an area where I'm doing well, or is this
an area where I need to put more effort and
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00:06:49,714 --> 00:06:50,194
energy?
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00:06:50,194 --> 00:06:50,754
Sure.
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00:06:50,754 --> 00:06:51,074
Yeah.
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00:06:51,074 --> 00:06:55,074
I'm a really big fan of objective reflection
all the time.
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00:06:55,074 --> 00:06:55,795
All the time.
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00:06:55,795 --> 00:07:00,355
So the way that this is gonna work is when you
are at the end of every day, start asking
149
00:07:00,355 --> 00:07:05,850
yourself how or if you're just starting this
reflection process, ask yourself, does my
150
00:07:05,850 --> 00:07:07,850
partner ever tell me that I don't listen?
151
00:07:07,930 --> 00:07:11,129
Do they say, you never listen to me, or
something like that?
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00:07:11,129 --> 00:07:14,569
If that's a yes, you're not turning towards
their bids enough.
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00:07:14,569 --> 00:07:18,490
Do they tell you that you love your phone more
than you love them?
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00:07:18,664 --> 00:07:20,904
If that's the case, you're not present enough.
155
00:07:20,904 --> 00:07:23,144
So most likely, you're missing things that
they're saying.
156
00:07:23,225 --> 00:07:26,264
Do they tell you so think about the things that
they tell you.
157
00:07:26,345 --> 00:07:29,544
They see, things like, you're always on your
phone.
158
00:07:29,625 --> 00:07:30,904
You never listen.
159
00:07:31,064 --> 00:07:31,544
Hey.
160
00:07:31,544 --> 00:07:32,824
Did you hear what I was saying?
161
00:07:33,259 --> 00:07:33,819
Hey.
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00:07:33,819 --> 00:07:36,139
Do you you know, things like that.
163
00:07:36,300 --> 00:07:40,300
You can also look at if they say things like,
you don't care.
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00:07:40,379 --> 00:07:43,100
You don't care what I'm saying to you or you
don't care about me.
165
00:07:43,180 --> 00:07:44,300
Those kinds of things.
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00:07:44,379 --> 00:07:48,379
If you plan a date or if you're not going on
dates at all, that's another issue.
167
00:07:48,425 --> 00:07:51,145
It And doesn't have to be like this extravagant
thing.
168
00:07:51,384 --> 00:07:54,904
But if they're saying things like, I need more
from you.
169
00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:57,785
I want more out of our out of our relationship.
170
00:07:57,785 --> 00:07:59,305
I feel disconnected.
171
00:07:59,545 --> 00:08:04,650
Things like that, there's there's a lack of
turning towards at at some point.
172
00:08:04,650 --> 00:08:08,730
So it sounds like kind of the the activity,
right, then is at the end of the day, making
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00:08:08,730 --> 00:08:14,410
the intention to analyze the day and just take
a set second, a few minutes to reflect on the
174
00:08:14,410 --> 00:08:15,610
day and say, okay.
175
00:08:15,610 --> 00:08:18,009
How did my partner respond when I said this?
176
00:08:17,985 --> 00:08:19,584
How did I respond when they said that?
177
00:08:19,584 --> 00:08:23,504
And you're just kinda taking account of any of
those interactions.
178
00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:23,985
Right?
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00:08:23,985 --> 00:08:24,625
Yeah.
180
00:08:24,625 --> 00:08:25,185
Yeah.
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00:08:25,185 --> 00:08:29,264
And even if you're like if if you're sitting
there and you're like, well, I I think I did.
182
00:08:29,264 --> 00:08:30,064
Ask them.
183
00:08:30,064 --> 00:08:31,104
Just ask your partner.
184
00:08:31,399 --> 00:08:32,039
I mean, like, hey.
185
00:08:32,039 --> 00:08:35,639
I was listening to this podcast today, and this
is what this, you know, marriage coach said.
186
00:08:35,639 --> 00:08:37,480
Do you feel like I turned towards you?
187
00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:39,639
Or do you feel like the balls dropped?
188
00:08:39,639 --> 00:08:40,440
Just ask.
189
00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:44,440
But also be willing to hear their answer
because it may not be the one you want.
190
00:08:45,985 --> 00:08:50,545
So as you talk about these four bases, right,
and as we're talking about, like, you know,
191
00:08:50,545 --> 00:08:55,745
building, say, the divorce proofing
relationship.
192
00:08:55,985 --> 00:09:01,909
You find that there's any one thing more than
others that and I I say this, of course, with
193
00:09:01,909 --> 00:09:03,350
understanding, like, these are all important.
194
00:09:03,350 --> 00:09:07,429
But you say there's, like, one thing more
important than anything else to really help the
195
00:09:07,429 --> 00:09:11,909
marriage thrive or if it's not done that would
actually lead to the decimation of the
196
00:09:11,909 --> 00:09:12,230
marriage?
197
00:09:14,345 --> 00:09:20,105
I would say safety is the most important
because a lot of times people couples will come
198
00:09:20,105 --> 00:09:22,825
to me and they'll say, we have a communication
problem.
199
00:09:22,825 --> 00:09:25,384
We just don't communicate or we're just not
compatible.
200
00:09:25,710 --> 00:09:27,470
You're never gonna be compatible.
201
00:09:27,550 --> 00:09:30,269
Like, compatibility is constantly changing.
202
00:09:30,429 --> 00:09:35,230
So, I mean, there may be seasons where you need
more of something, they need less of something.
203
00:09:35,230 --> 00:09:36,750
Like, you're you're always changing.
204
00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:43,174
So I don't really buy into the whole
compatibility thing, but I really do think that
205
00:09:43,174 --> 00:09:48,215
most marriages that have a communication
problem, quote unquote, don't actually have a
206
00:09:48,215 --> 00:09:49,174
communication problem.
207
00:09:49,174 --> 00:09:54,169
They have an emotional safety problem where
they can't they don't feel like they can talk
208
00:09:54,169 --> 00:09:58,490
to their partner without having to walk on
eggshells or they don't feel like they can talk
209
00:09:58,490 --> 00:10:03,289
to their partner at all without being dismissed
or minimized or invalidated or something like
210
00:10:03,289 --> 00:10:03,690
that.
211
00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:08,644
So what I'm wondering about in that is is when
people say things to their partner or maybe to
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00:10:08,644 --> 00:10:14,485
their relationship coach such as, gosh, I'm
just not that attracted to my partner anymore.
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Do you think that sometimes when we feel as
humans that we're not attracted to our partner
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anymore, that we're actually feeling like all
of a sudden that we're maybe not it's not all
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of a sudden, but we're actually feeling
consciously or subconsciously that we're not
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feeling, like, safe and regulated around that
person.
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Could I'm not attracted anymore actually be I'm
not regulated anymore?
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Absolutely.
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And it could also be I'm disconnected.
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I'm so far disconnected that I have so much we
call
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it negative sentiment override where you have
all you can think about is, oh, they didn't
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take the trash out today.
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Not, they must have forgotten.
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Like, there's no benefit of the doubt being
given.
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00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:52,879
There's no connection at the end of the day.
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The average American couple spends four minutes
alone together per day.
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00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:03,764
But scientists and researchers say that it
takes a minimum of ninety minutes per week in
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order to have a a strength that like a strong
connected marriage.
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So I'm not I don't do math.
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I don't numbers and I are not friends, but four
times seven is not 90.
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So Yeah.
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This is this is where we're at.
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So, yeah, absolutely.
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That that attraction is a living, breathing
thing that you have to really pour into.
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And if you're not safe, you're not gonna be
attracted to a person that you don't feel safe
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with, that you can't talk to, that you don't
wanna be around.
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So I feel like some listeners might be going
back and thinking about times where maybe they
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had one night stands or just dated somebody
for, you know, a very short time period and
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still had some sort of, you know, mind blowing
sex, that sort of thing.
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So I wanna address that like, you know, at what
point are we saying with safety that it's
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necessary when we have these times where people
are having, you know, one night stands or these
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very short relationships that don't have that,
but yet are able to have this really profoundly
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intimate experience.
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00:11:58,225 --> 00:12:00,785
Can you talk about that that discrepancy a
little bit?
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I just wanna take a quick break to say one of
the number one things that leads to a lack or
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just a slowing of passion in the relationship
is thinking that our partner's body and mind
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and spirit is going to be the same today as
tomorrow.
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So one of the things that happens for so many
bodies, especially for female bodies, is that
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with time, the pleasure needs change.
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And we get into those sexual scripts and those
habits of doing the same thing over and over
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00:12:33,054 --> 00:12:38,575
and over again, not always realizing that our
pleasure body is wanting something else.
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00:12:38,815 --> 00:12:45,450
This creates a lack of passion, a desire, a
lack of orgasm, and it's one of the reasons why
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00:12:45,450 --> 00:12:48,490
bedrooms can start to get quieter.
254
00:12:48,809 --> 00:12:57,850
I talk about how to fix this and so much more
walking you through a step by step guide for an
255
00:12:57,345 --> 00:13:00,865
entire year if you want on how to improve your
pleasure life.
256
00:13:01,024 --> 00:13:07,024
Start with a free trial, stay for a month, stay
for the year, make it yours.
257
00:13:07,264 --> 00:13:12,144
You'll see all of this and more and how to get
started in the show notes below this video.
258
00:13:12,144 --> 00:13:15,790
I hope you will join me in my hot monogamy
society.
259
00:13:16,110 --> 00:13:18,990
Now let's get back to our episode.
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Yeah.
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So that's chemistry.
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For about the first two years of your
relationship, you're running solely on
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chemistry and it's basically attracted to their
their insecure attachment.
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00:13:29,794 --> 00:13:32,914
So you there's a polarity there and it's like
magnets.
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So you just are stuck together and that that's
what that is.
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That's what you're running on.
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This is where so we have there's five cycles of
a relationship, five stages.
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The honeymoon stage is that right there.
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Oh my gosh.
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They're amazing.
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And all of their quirks and all of their little
weirdnesses, you know, all of their their
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things that they do, even like the way that
they hold their spoon is absolutely adorable.
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And they are the most wonderful thing that
ever, you know, landed on the face of the
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earth.
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And then you get married possibly or you get
into a long term relationship and you enter the
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power struggle stage.
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And once you enter the power struggle stage,
that's where chemistry starts to kinda settle
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00:14:12,159 --> 00:14:17,679
down a little bit and you start really seeing
this person for who they really are versus the
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00:14:17,839 --> 00:14:21,039
fantasy and that, you know, the veil is a
little is lifted.
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And that's when you start thinking, oh my god.
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00:14:25,014 --> 00:14:27,894
If they hold their spoon like that one more
time, I'm gonna choke them.
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00:14:28,054 --> 00:14:33,014
So all of the quirks that they had before that
were so cute, they're not cute anymore.
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00:14:33,014 --> 00:14:35,815
And so now you're looking at this from a
completely different lens.
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00:14:35,815 --> 00:14:39,415
It's like the rose colored glasses have been
taken off, and you're actually seeing reality.
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00:14:39,769 --> 00:14:44,490
And that's where the power struggle stage
starts and that's often where couples will
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00:14:44,490 --> 00:14:51,049
either get help or they will figure it out on
their own or they'll divorce is in that power
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00:14:51,049 --> 00:14:51,610
struggle stage.
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00:14:52,345 --> 00:14:52,665
Yeah.
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00:14:52,665 --> 00:14:53,625
That's really helpful.
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00:14:53,625 --> 00:14:59,225
And before we go on, I'm going ask you more
about this power struggle stage and really how
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00:14:59,225 --> 00:15:02,345
to work with this, how to fix this if there is
a power struggle.
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00:15:02,345 --> 00:15:06,690
But before I ask you this next question, I want
to make sure everybody knows about one of my
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00:15:06,690 --> 00:15:13,250
favorite ways that we actually see in research
and in testimonial to help couples stay more
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00:15:13,250 --> 00:15:15,970
connected and that is by the pump.
295
00:15:15,970 --> 00:15:19,455
So I'm going to tell you about these pumps
which one of the things about these pumps for
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00:15:19,455 --> 00:15:24,335
men is that men are finding that they can
either lower their dose of Viagra or even
297
00:15:24,335 --> 00:15:29,695
sometimes get off of it and have a lot more
confidence with strong erections.
298
00:15:29,695 --> 00:15:34,179
And this is for people that don't even identify
with having some sort of problem, right, that
299
00:15:34,179 --> 00:15:38,980
are just having some sort of imbalance and are
saying, oh, I would like to connect with my
300
00:15:38,980 --> 00:15:39,539
wife more.
301
00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:41,700
I would like to have stronger erections.
302
00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:45,299
Or it could be somebody that does actually
identify with having erectile dysfunction.
303
00:15:45,834 --> 00:15:47,195
But this company is so amazing.
304
00:15:47,195 --> 00:15:52,394
They come in different sizes and that's really
important for penis pumps because if we don't
305
00:15:52,394 --> 00:15:55,355
have the right size, we can actually cause
problems.
306
00:15:55,355 --> 00:16:01,529
And so all they're doing is they're taking the
suction with this vacuum device and it's really
307
00:16:01,529 --> 00:16:04,730
specific for the amount of suction and
pressure.
308
00:16:04,970 --> 00:16:10,009
And what's also amazing is they also make this
female version of one that actually can go over
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00:16:10,009 --> 00:16:12,089
the labia.
310
00:16:12,424 --> 00:16:18,264
And this one is also amazing because women are
just not given tools to help them with desire,
311
00:16:18,264 --> 00:16:19,865
to help them with pleasure.
312
00:16:20,105 --> 00:16:25,784
In fact, hypoactive sexual desire disorder is
largely something that, while it's a diagnosis
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00:16:25,784 --> 00:16:30,870
for low libido for women, The solution
oftentimes is just relax.
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00:16:31,029 --> 00:16:34,950
And every woman knows out there that just
telling them to relax is not going to work.
315
00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:40,149
And so the lady pump is another amazing way to
get blood flow to this area and really increase
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00:16:40,149 --> 00:16:40,629
pleasure.
317
00:16:40,965 --> 00:16:45,845
So you can find that information in the show
notes below as well as coupon codes.
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00:16:46,165 --> 00:16:47,764
So then back to my question.
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00:16:47,764 --> 00:16:52,565
So when we're talking about this, you know,
this emotional safety thing and, like, let's
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00:16:52,565 --> 00:16:57,000
say we have this example, right, where somebody
asked to take out the trash or they expected to
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00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:01,080
take out the trash and then the partner didn't
and they're feeling, you know, pissed.
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00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:05,000
They're making up stories instead of what
you're talking about around, oh, maybe they
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00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:05,640
just forgot.
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00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:10,375
Now it's making up stories they don't care,
they're not interested in helping or whatever
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00:17:10,375 --> 00:17:11,575
the story is.
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00:17:11,654 --> 00:17:17,654
So when somebody decides they're going to
really relearn how to feel safe in their
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00:17:17,654 --> 00:17:19,335
relationship, how long?
328
00:17:19,335 --> 00:17:20,919
Like how long does this typically take?
329
00:17:20,919 --> 00:17:25,559
Because if this has been going on for years, is
this something that takes years to get out of?
330
00:17:25,559 --> 00:17:25,960
No.
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00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:26,519
It's not.
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00:17:26,519 --> 00:17:31,240
And in fact, this is why I love what I do so
much and the program that I've created because
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00:17:31,414 --> 00:17:36,375
a lot of times, depending on like, if there's
been infidelity or something like that,
334
00:17:36,375 --> 00:17:39,815
oftentimes, it will take me about one year to
help a couple.
335
00:17:39,974 --> 00:17:45,789
But when you're relearning and you're just
roommates or you've you just kinda you're just
336
00:17:45,789 --> 00:17:49,950
not as connected as you used to be or you're
fighting a lot, you're you're arguing a lot,
337
00:17:49,950 --> 00:17:51,710
you're not really sure if you like each other.
338
00:17:51,710 --> 00:17:56,509
Six six to eight months max is all it takes me
to help a couple like this.
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00:17:56,829 --> 00:18:01,914
And it's an intense program, but this is why I
love it so much is because it doesn't take
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00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:02,634
forever.
341
00:18:02,714 --> 00:18:04,634
That's nobody wants to be like, okay.
342
00:18:04,634 --> 00:18:08,554
Let's sign up for the next four years when
you've, you know, you've been struggling for
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00:18:08,554 --> 00:18:09,514
the last ten.
344
00:18:09,595 --> 00:18:11,115
So, yeah.
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00:18:11,115 --> 00:18:13,754
I like to say that also marriages have a half
life.
346
00:18:13,914 --> 00:18:19,409
So if you realize one day, you're like, man,
we've really been struggling for ten years.
347
00:18:19,569 --> 00:18:20,450
Like, yeah.
348
00:18:20,450 --> 00:18:21,809
And you've been married twenty.
349
00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:23,329
The last ten have been crap.
350
00:18:23,569 --> 00:18:28,130
Or if you're like, man, we've been married
eight, and, you know, we're struggling.
351
00:18:28,130 --> 00:18:28,450
Yep.
352
00:18:28,450 --> 00:18:30,474
You've probably been struggling for the last
four.
353
00:18:30,474 --> 00:18:35,195
So it takes an average of six six years for
people just to get help, and it doesn't need to
354
00:18:35,195 --> 00:18:35,914
take that long.
355
00:18:35,914 --> 00:18:41,529
Like, if you're struggling I I I love this this
idea that if you were gonna learn a different
356
00:18:41,529 --> 00:18:44,169
language, for example, like, I'm learning a
different language.
357
00:18:44,570 --> 00:18:47,930
My husband's Arabic, so I'm learning Arabic.
358
00:18:47,930 --> 00:18:48,490
Okay?
359
00:18:49,049 --> 00:18:53,210
So it's really hard, but I wouldn't be able to
do that on my own.
360
00:18:53,210 --> 00:18:54,009
So I have a tutor.
361
00:18:54,274 --> 00:18:56,755
I have someone that they can help me with the
dialect.
362
00:18:56,755 --> 00:19:00,755
They can help me help me learn that because God
knows that my husband does not have the
363
00:19:00,755 --> 00:19:01,315
patience.
364
00:19:01,634 --> 00:19:04,594
So for that, like, I'm getting help for that.
365
00:19:04,835 --> 00:19:07,154
I wouldn't just pick up a book and be like,
okay.
366
00:19:07,154 --> 00:19:11,269
Well, you know, and start putting in American
dialects to that.
367
00:19:11,269 --> 00:19:13,989
I'm gonna look like an idiot if I go over to
The Middle East.
368
00:19:14,150 --> 00:19:14,549
Alright.
369
00:19:14,549 --> 00:19:16,230
It's the same thing with marriage.
370
00:19:16,230 --> 00:19:20,069
If you didn't have a great example growing up,
your partner didn't have a great example
371
00:19:20,069 --> 00:19:22,994
growing up, how do you know you only know what
you know.
372
00:19:22,994 --> 00:19:25,474
So how do you how do you expect to have a great
marriage?
373
00:19:25,474 --> 00:19:27,315
How do you expect to have great sex?
374
00:19:27,554 --> 00:19:30,115
If you're like, man, this I've never seen this
done.
375
00:19:30,115 --> 00:19:34,595
I you know, like, yeah, I've had, you know, a
few partners, but didn't really learn anything
376
00:19:34,595 --> 00:19:34,914
from them.
377
00:19:35,230 --> 00:19:40,429
This is why you and I exist is to help people
with with what they don't know.
378
00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:42,669
And that's really all that we need to look at
it as.
379
00:19:42,669 --> 00:19:44,750
It doesn't have to be this big shameful thing.
380
00:19:44,750 --> 00:19:45,149
Yeah.
381
00:19:45,149 --> 00:19:46,190
I completely agree.
382
00:19:46,190 --> 00:19:50,505
And I want I'm gonna ask you in a moment about
practical tools that people can have in the
383
00:19:50,505 --> 00:19:51,944
moment where it's like, oh my gosh.
384
00:19:51,944 --> 00:19:53,384
I'm really feeling triggered.
385
00:19:53,384 --> 00:19:53,625
Right?
386
00:19:53,625 --> 00:19:54,825
I'm my heart's pounding.
387
00:19:54,825 --> 00:19:55,865
I'm feeling pissed.
388
00:19:55,865 --> 00:19:56,984
I'm feeling sad.
389
00:19:56,984 --> 00:20:00,744
I'm feeling like whatever it is that reactive
type of thing and what do we do.
390
00:20:00,744 --> 00:20:04,109
But before that, I wanna make sure that
everybody knows that what we're talking about
391
00:20:04,109 --> 00:20:10,669
with you next week is about how to get all over
that thing that so many people say they have,
392
00:20:10,669 --> 00:20:16,029
which is having the same old fight and how to
really delineate and learn of, like, do I care
393
00:20:16,029 --> 00:20:19,865
about this because I'm just remembering all
these things that I am triggered about from the
394
00:20:19,865 --> 00:20:22,985
past or is this actually a real problem that
needs to be solved?
395
00:20:22,985 --> 00:20:25,305
And so how do we get out of the same old fight
pattern?
396
00:20:25,305 --> 00:20:26,904
That is what's happening next week.
397
00:20:26,904 --> 00:20:32,265
So if you haven't subscribed yet, please do
subscribe so you make sure you get the alert
398
00:20:32,009 --> 00:20:33,769
when we have Cameron back on.
399
00:20:34,089 --> 00:20:38,009
Now we're gonna let people know about some free
resources of yours in a second as well.
400
00:20:38,009 --> 00:20:42,490
But before we do that, just if you can take a
moment to just answer this for us, it's a good
401
00:20:42,490 --> 00:20:48,194
thing way to leave our our time together this
week, which is in that moment when we're
402
00:20:48,194 --> 00:20:56,194
feeling maybe whether we're identifying it with
as unsafe or just emotionally dysregulated,
403
00:20:56,194 --> 00:20:58,994
right, where we're not going to have a
productive conversation.
404
00:20:59,154 --> 00:21:03,850
What kind of tools do you actually give people
to do in that moment to help them start to
405
00:21:03,850 --> 00:21:07,690
reregulate so they can have a conversation that
is more productive?
406
00:21:07,769 --> 00:21:08,090
Yeah.
407
00:21:08,090 --> 00:21:09,130
Love that question.
408
00:21:09,289 --> 00:21:13,369
So this is actually gonna come down to your
your own attachment style, but a lot of people
409
00:21:13,369 --> 00:21:18,384
haven't had the experience, exposure, and
education that I have in attachment styles.
410
00:21:18,384 --> 00:21:20,144
So here's here's what I'm gonna tell you to do.
411
00:21:20,144 --> 00:21:20,625
Okay?
412
00:21:20,865 --> 00:21:21,265
If you
413
00:21:21,424 --> 00:21:24,945
I will go over attachment styles one second,
but I'm gonna, like, I'm gonna ask you about
414
00:21:24,945 --> 00:21:26,945
attachment styles next week as well.
415
00:21:26,945 --> 00:21:27,265
Yeah.
416
00:21:27,265 --> 00:21:28,625
So I just want everybody to, like, learn.
417
00:21:28,625 --> 00:21:31,749
We're gonna what you're talking about, we're
gonna also go deeper into next week.
418
00:21:31,910 --> 00:21:32,230
Yeah.
419
00:21:32,230 --> 00:21:33,829
So this is just really quick.
420
00:21:33,829 --> 00:21:34,309
Okay?
421
00:21:34,390 --> 00:21:37,429
If you're typically the person that leaves the
conversation and you're like,
422
00:21:37,429 --> 00:21:37,750
I'm out.
423
00:21:37,750 --> 00:21:38,390
I can't do this.
424
00:21:38,390 --> 00:21:39,109
I can't do this.
425
00:21:39,109 --> 00:21:39,589
Okay?
426
00:21:39,669 --> 00:21:42,789
I need you to actually sit in it for one more
minute.
427
00:21:42,869 --> 00:21:46,765
And if you can't, I need you to give your
partner a time limit.
428
00:21:46,765 --> 00:21:47,164
K?
429
00:21:47,164 --> 00:21:47,804
Hey.
430
00:21:47,884 --> 00:21:49,724
I'm feeling really dysregulated.
431
00:21:49,724 --> 00:21:51,644
I need to take two hours.
432
00:21:51,804 --> 00:21:53,804
I will come back in two hours.
433
00:21:53,884 --> 00:21:58,299
If you don't give that time to your partner,
that's when they feel like their skin is being
434
00:21:58,299 --> 00:22:01,099
ripped off their body, and that's when they
start chasing you.
435
00:22:01,099 --> 00:22:01,579
K?
436
00:22:01,659 --> 00:22:03,579
They need a time when you're coming back.
437
00:22:03,659 --> 00:22:07,500
If you're typically the person that chases, and
you're like, no, we need to fix this right
438
00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:12,404
right now, know that your partner, when you do
that, their skin feels like they're being
439
00:22:12,404 --> 00:22:13,365
ripped off their body.
440
00:22:13,365 --> 00:22:13,924
K?
441
00:22:14,005 --> 00:22:18,244
So you're the person that needs to say, I see
you're getting in the weeds right now.
442
00:22:18,244 --> 00:22:19,924
I see you're really dysregulated.
443
00:22:20,164 --> 00:22:23,524
How about we come back to this when we're both
a little bit more calm?
444
00:22:23,524 --> 00:22:27,710
So if you're the person that's the chaser,
you're the person that needs to learn to self
445
00:22:27,710 --> 00:22:28,509
regulate.
446
00:22:28,589 --> 00:22:32,109
If you're the runner, you're the one that needs
to co regulate.
447
00:22:32,269 --> 00:22:32,750
Okay?
448
00:22:32,750 --> 00:22:36,190
So come back and always always always repair.
449
00:22:36,269 --> 00:22:42,164
You could fight every single day of your
marriage and still be happy if you repair well.
450
00:22:42,164 --> 00:22:45,524
I love that and I'm gonna ask you so much more
about that next week.
451
00:22:45,765 --> 00:22:49,845
Before we leave today, please tell us a little
bit about some of your resources.
452
00:22:49,845 --> 00:22:54,490
We're gonna have everything in the show notes
for links, but I know you have a great blog.
453
00:22:54,490 --> 00:22:58,250
I know you have courses of free resources for
people to get started with your work.
454
00:22:58,250 --> 00:22:59,690
Can you tell us a little bit about those?
455
00:22:59,690 --> 00:23:00,250
Yes.
456
00:23:00,250 --> 00:23:07,049
So I have a blog post email that goes out every
Thursday where you can get it's a free marriage
457
00:23:07,049 --> 00:23:09,130
tip for the week that will help you.
458
00:23:09,765 --> 00:23:13,845
You can read it in seven minutes or less, and
it goes straight to your inbox, or you can
459
00:23:13,845 --> 00:23:17,044
check it out on Substack at
married.and.connected.
460
00:23:17,045 --> 00:23:23,269
And then I also have a free community where I
have done I do monthly workshops for couples
461
00:23:23,269 --> 00:23:24,789
that are absolutely free.
462
00:23:24,869 --> 00:23:28,789
So you can find all the information in there,
what workshops are coming up, all of those
463
00:23:28,789 --> 00:23:32,309
things inside that school, s k o o l community.
464
00:23:32,470 --> 00:23:40,525
You can also get free resources, oodles and
gobs of free resources on connection questions
465
00:23:40,525 --> 00:23:44,765
that you asked when you were dating, but now
it's a little bit awkward or, you know, date
466
00:23:44,765 --> 00:23:49,325
night bingo or connection bingo or bettering
your sex life, things like that.
467
00:23:49,325 --> 00:23:50,765
You can get all of those in that community.
468
00:23:51,259 --> 00:23:51,900
Amazing.
469
00:23:51,900 --> 00:23:54,619
And we will have all those links in the show
notes like I mentioned.
470
00:23:54,619 --> 00:23:59,980
Please tune in next week with Cameron and I
going deep into how to get out of that same old
471
00:23:59,980 --> 00:24:04,460
fight, how to repair relationships, attachment
theory, and what this means for you and your
472
00:24:04,460 --> 00:24:06,059
relationships and so much more.
473
00:24:06,625 --> 00:24:11,104
Thank you Cameron for being here with us and
everybody we'll see you again next time.
474
00:24:13,744 --> 00:24:15,904
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
475
00:24:15,904 --> 00:24:17,505
Please don't keep me a secret.
476
00:24:17,505 --> 00:24:19,104
Please share this with your friends.
477
00:24:19,345 --> 00:24:25,740
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram as
well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.
