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Roommate syndrome is just very explanatory of
what happens in long term committed
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relationships.
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We start all hot and heavy.
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All of the sudden, the bills and and mortgage
and our careers and our kids and all of the
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responsibilities that come with building a life
together start to fit in.
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They stop being really intentional about
feeding that connection, that passion, that
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intimacy.
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They stop having hard conversations.
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They stop asking for the things that they want
from each other.
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They just start feeling disconnected.
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We don't really make an intentional effort to
connect while we're doing it.
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We've been fed the lie that love is enough.
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There will be time for our relationship later.
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Episode of the Libido Lounge.
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I am back with Monica Tanner today,
relationship coach, and we are talking about
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resentment theory.
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We're talking about roommate syndrome.
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We're talking about why this happens.
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Now, if you haven't listened to part one where
we talked to Monica about why so many myths
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that happen in long term relationships, why
they're not true, You know, why just compromise
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doesn't actually work that well.
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Why happy wife, happy life doesn't work that
well.
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So make sure you go listen to part one.
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That's going to be in the show notes below so
you get all that information.
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Remember we are gonna give you a free prize
from Monica at the end of this, so stay for the
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end till that.
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And welcome back Monica.
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It's good to have you again.
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Thank you.
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So excited to be here.
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Same, same.
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So let's get right into it as always.
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So roommate syndrome.
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Now a lot of people I think are going to
recognize this phrase immediately and know
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exactly what we're talking about, but before we
talk about how to actually fix it, can you just
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kinda ground us, make sure we're all on the
same page?
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Like, what exactly is that and why does it
happen?
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Oh, great questions.
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Roommate syndrome is just very explanatory of
what happens in long term committed
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relationships because we start all hot and
heavy.
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We can't keep our hands off each other.
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We have these ideas of this incredible life
we're gonna create together.
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And then all of the sudden, the bills and the
mortgage and our careers and our kids and all
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of the responsibilities that come with building
a life together start to fit in.
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And what most people do is they kind of divvy
it out.
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I'll do this part of it, and you do this part
of it, and they stop being really intentional
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about feeding that connection, that passion,
that intimacy.
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They stop having hard conversations.
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They stop asking for the things that they want
from each other, and they just start feeling
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disconnected.
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And that is what roommate syndrome is
describing.
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It's like we both put our heads down, we get
the work of life done, and we don't really make
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an intentional effort to connect while we're
doing it.
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And I think this happens, like, my my
professional observation is that this happens
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to majority of couples unless they do something
to stop it.
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Do you see that in your work as well?
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A thousand percent because we've been fed the
lie that love is enough and that if, you know,
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if you love each other enough, it'll just
happen.
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There's also added onto it the other lie that
there will be time for our relationship later.
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Right?
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We're locked in.
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We're married for you know, till death do us
part.
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And so when the kids are grown or when we make
this amount of money or when we've reached this
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level of success or whatever, there'll be time
to work on the relationship.
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And often, that's much, much, much too late.
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And so you have to nurture and care for that
relationship throughout your life together even
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in the busy seasons, which is gonna feel never
ending.
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I promise.
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And those busy seasons are so much better when
you have a teammate to share it with.
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And so, you know, the the reality is is that
that passionate, intimate, loving relationship,
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it's not gonna happen by accident, and it's not
luck.
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It's something that you intentionally choose to
do every single moment of every single day.
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So it sounds like then one of the things that
you teach as far as what to do about it is
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largely, like, what I hear in that is a level
of prioritization and saying like, hey, even in
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the busiest seasons of life, which, you know,
will span for decades for most of us, even in
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the busiest seasons of life, you are still
making time.
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This person still has a special place.
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This person still gets attention.
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Right?
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Is that is that what we're saying here, and
what beyond that really have you found to to
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help prevent or heal roommate syndrome?
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Yeah, so two things here.
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The first one is I teach this principle called
the 3% rule.
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This is going to blow your mind, and I promise
if you will do this intentionally, you will
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stay connected even in the busiest seasons.
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3% is all I'm asking.
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So here's the cool thing about time.
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Time is the great equalizer.
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It doesn't matter how much money you make, how
important your friends are, how much you can
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bench press.
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We all get the same exact amount of time.
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Like, you can't buy more time.
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You can't barter for it.
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Legit, everybody gets twenty four hours in a
day.
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And so I've broken this down into less than 3%
of your time will keep you connected throughout
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your life or throughout your marriage.
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Right?
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So 3% of your day is twenty minutes out of the
one thousand four hundred and forty minutes we
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all get.
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Thank you.
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I was pulling out my calculator to do the math.
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So Yeah.
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Do it.
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Do it.
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It's so funny because I've been teaching this
for a long time, and I did a podcast where the
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host, like, loved numbers, and he was like,
he's like, that's 3%.
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I'm like, what?
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3%, you guys.
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So twenty minutes out of the 1,440 every single
one of us gets in a day.
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If you will commit to spending twenty minutes
talking to your spouse, this can be first thing
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when you wake up in the morning.
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It can be after dinner.
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You can go for a walk.
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You can do it after you put the kids to bed.
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I mean, it's literally twenty minutes, and you
guard that time like tiger time.
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You do not bring your bones into that time.
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You don't discuss logistics.
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This is a time where you get to know your
spouse.
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The Gottmans call this love maps.
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So it's like really getting curious about what
is your spouse learning about?
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What are they thinking about during the day?
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What gets them excited?
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What stresses them out?
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How can you support them in the things that
they're dreaming about or thinking about?
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You know, what books are you reading?
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Who are your friends that you really enjoy
talking to?
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These types of questions where you really map
your spouse's mind.
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It takes twenty minutes, and you can both get
some good time in in that twenty minutes.
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So and these are you offered a a free gift to
your to your listeners, and we'll tell you how
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to do that at the end.
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But this is where those 50 connecting questions
really come into play.
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If you'll ask one or two of these questions
each day, it's amazing that you'll learn about
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your spouse.
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You could be married for decades and you still
just didn't know some of these things.
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And even if you at one point knew them, people
change over time.
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Right?
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So it's like you could get a completely
different answer in a couple of years than you
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have now.
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So these questions never ever expire.
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So twenty minutes a day.
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You add on top of that three hours a week.
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We call this date night.
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People get really you know, there's tons of
people who have made complete platforms over
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date night.
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So you can there's tons of creative different
ways you can do date nights.
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They don't have to be expensive, elaborate, or
far from home.
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They just have to be intentional.
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My husband and I have a rule.
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Date night can slide around on the calendar.
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We have four children.
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We're about to have a grandchild.
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So life gets busy, and sometimes the best laid
plans, they get afforded, but we never erase.
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So maybe somebody has a volleyball tournament
that came up in the middle of date night, and
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we have to move it around a little bit, but we
never erase it.
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This is three hours of doing something fun with
your partner.
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Get out.
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Go for a walk.
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Do a new find a new hobby to do together.
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Find a new place to eat dinner.
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Right?
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There are so many different ways that don't
have to be expensive or elaborate that are
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intentional where you go, I care enough about
this relationship to carve out this time to be
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with you.
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So that's three hours a week.
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We have a hundred and sixty eight hours,
everybody, in a week.
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So that leaves a hundred and sixty five hours
to do whatever you need to do.
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Three of those hours need to be spent
intentionally connecting with your partner.
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And this is where I say date nights should lead
to a lot of physical, emotional intimacy if you
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do it right and you do it on purpose.
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So this is a good time to do that.
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And then one week out of the fifty two weeks in
a year, you should get away.
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Again, it doesn't have to be expensive,
elaborate, or far from home.
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This is the time where you go, you make each
other your priority, you make arrangements so
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that you don't have to worry about the kids or
your business or the money or anything like
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that.
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You get to dream together.
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You get to talk about what did this year look
like for us?
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What do we wanna keep doing more of?
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What do we wanna explore in the next year?
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How are we doing on our five year, ten year,
twenty year plan?
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Right?
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This is really where you get sexy.
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You get, you know, for you forecast.
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You you plan.
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This is like, these are the moments that, for
me, I think about, like, what does it look like
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to grow old with my spouse?
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What's it gonna look like when it's just the
two of us after our kids are all grown and have
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their own lives?
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And, like, it's it's a magical, magical time of
year.
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So, of course, anything you can add to that,
more time is great, but I think only 3% of your
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time is required to stay connected throughout
your marriage.
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Yeah.
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I couldn't agree more, and I think one of the
things that happens so much is that we just
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think the longer we're with somebody, the more
we know them.
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So there's an, you know, an element where it's
like, well, already know them.
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I already heard all their stories.
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You know, they tell the same five stories that
are their favorite stories at every dinner
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party with every new person.
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Right?
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It's so easy to just feel like we know them,
and so we stop asking questions, and the more
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we don't ask questions, the more we actually
don't know them so much anymore.
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And your, you know, your, your freebie is like
is so useful.
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My my partner and I do this all the time, the
questions thing, and he like, we had date night
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on Friday, one of the questions he asked me was
if we were to both star together in a rom com,
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which rom com would be our you know, the one we
would do?
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And and he chose Hitch and I chose, Christmas
at Veil.
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And but it you know, the point is it's like
what it started was the conversation on why and
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the conversation on, like, okay.
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Well, like, where you know, what does this say
about our marriage?
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What would be fun?
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Or all all these types of things.
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Right?
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And it's just you know, my point is that it's
like all it takes is one question like that,
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and like it didn't it's not like we were
talking about that for the whole dinner.
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That was maybe seven minutes of our dinner
conversation, but what I find sometimes with
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these questions is when they trigger the
initial conversation, it actually leads then to
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a whole different world of topics that you
wouldn't have got into.
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So, like, you know, your your freebie of the 50
questions, like, in my mind is not just about
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the questions.
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It's about starting conversations in a
different way because then they open up this
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door of exploring the other person and getting
to know the other person in a way that you
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wouldn't have otherwise.
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So love everything you said.
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Let's talk about I resentment want to take a
quick break from our episode to say that if you
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are finding that in your long term
relationships, things are just not as
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passionate, hot, or that you simply feel
overwhelmed or do not have time to prioritize
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sex, you are not alone.
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It is so common that people start experiencing
erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, boredom,
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just a lack of communication or just a sheer
not prioritizing intimacy, their love life, and
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more.
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That's exactly why I created my Hot Monogamy
Society where couples or individuals come to
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learn more about how to bring passion and
aliveness back into I want you to think about
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what you want your relationship to look like in
the next decade or two or three.
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If you still make the same choices that you are
making today in your relationship, are you
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going to reach those goals?
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If not, if you need support, that is what my
society is for.
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00:14:09,044 --> 00:14:12,004
You'll find links about how to join in the show
notes.
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It is completely private and you can join as a
couple or as an individual to bring information
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00:14:19,159 --> 00:14:23,639
back into your relationship, all found below in
the show notes.
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Now let's get back to our episode.
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Oh, I I totally wanna get to resentment, I just
wanna respond to the because everything you
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said is right.
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But I also wanna remind people that, like, even
if you burn through all 50 questions, like,
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let's say you ask all 50 questions and you're
like, alright.
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What now?
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Can you imagine your answer to the what what
sitcom would we you know, romantic comedy would
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we be would we star in in your twenties versus
your thirties versus your forties?
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Right?
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These questions, they're so good to, like,
recycle them because your partner is changing
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all the time, and it's so fun to get like,
Esther Perel has this quote that she talks
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about all the time that most of us get most of
us experience three or four great loves or
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marriages in our lifetime, some of us to the
same people.
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Right?
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And so if you think about it, I there's no way
I would answer those questions the same way
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twenty five years ago as I would answer them
now.
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And so, yes, having those in your toolbox is
amazing.
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Yes.
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Super, super helpful stuff for keeping things
interesting in the relationship.
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00:15:44,089 --> 00:15:47,049
So let's talk now, if you would, about
resentment.
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Yes.
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Because I know that's a theme in your work.
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I love this Me too.
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Me too.
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And what you've seen, like, what ways I think
there's common ways that people think of.
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Right?
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The obvious things around, somebody cheated or
somebody didn't keep their word or somebody
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lied.
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From a standpoint of trauma, there's the big t
traumas that cause resentment.
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But I think a lot of times we're not talking as
much as like the little t traumas.
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Right?
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The things that are like, you know what?
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That's not that big of a deal.
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I'm just not going to bring it up.
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So what do you see in your work from even like
the little t traumas of the relationship as far
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as resentment?
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Like, how does it build up?
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How do we prevent it?
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How do we clear it when, you know, when it
happens?
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Can you kinda riff off some of that?
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Yeah.
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Absolutely.
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The the first thing I would say about
resentment is it has a big charge to it, like
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the big r.
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Definitely, I I I used to say all the time,
resentment is where intimacy goes to die.
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Like, as soon as you start have feeling
resentment, you no longer, like, really wanna
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be get close to this person anymore.
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But resentment is everywhere, so I wanna take
the charge out of that word.
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It's not a big scary word.
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Resentment is like an indicator light on the
dashboard of your car.
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All it means is that something needs attention,
but the longer you leave that light on, the
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more, like, expensive, if you think about it
this way, that, that maintenance is going to
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be.
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So if you go and get your oil change the minute
that indication light comes on, great.
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Like, it's an oil change.
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If you wait too long, your engine could start
to, like, smoke or overheat, blow up.
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Like, heaven forbid, you don't have any oil,
you know, left, and so your engine, like, burns
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out.
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Right?
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Same thing with, like, the tires.
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Like, if that indication light comes on and
you're like, oh, my the tires need air.
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So let's go put some air in the tire.
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That's gonna be a much easier fix than if you
wait until your tire blows on the highway.
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Then you're in a great deal of trouble.
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Right?
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So if we think about resentment as just
something in your marriage needs attention,
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Maybe it's time to have a hard conversation.
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Maybe it's time to ask for something that you
haven't, you know, that maybe you feel you've
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been compromising or giving up or sacrificing.
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And so maybe it's time to ask your partner to
do something.
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I mean, resentment can start as small as you're
frustrated with the way your partner loads the
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toilet paper on the roll.
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It could be as big as, you know, not having
rituals like kissing each other when you leave
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00:18:36,250 --> 00:18:42,809
the house or I mean, it could it could indicate
that there's, like, full blown disconnection.
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So all I want you to do is think about
resentment as a little indicator light on the
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00:18:48,144 --> 00:18:48,785
dashboard.
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If you pay attention to it immediately, it's
going to be a lot less costly than if you leave
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00:18:54,705 --> 00:19:00,225
it on for a very long time, ignore it, and let
the problem just keep compounding.
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00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:03,440
So that's the first thing I would teach about
resentment.
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It really isn't scary.
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It's just like something needs attention.
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And if you feel it out and think about, like,
what is missing?
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What am I actually looking for?
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00:19:14,694 --> 00:19:20,774
What is there a need, a desire, something
inside that I haven't asked for or made clear
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00:19:20,774 --> 00:19:21,815
to my partner?
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That's where I would start.
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00:19:24,375 --> 00:19:27,974
And then marriage is all about skills.
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00:19:29,149 --> 00:19:35,950
So I would have you so here's, like we'll do
another, like, link to my book, if you will.
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People love to say don't sweat the small stuff.
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And I like to say, absolutely sweat the small
stuff.
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Address the small stuff skillfully before it
becomes the big stuff.
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00:19:48,755 --> 00:19:54,034
So just like I'm talking about, if you're
feeling a small amount resentment in your life,
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00:19:54,595 --> 00:20:02,970
let's get the skills to deal with it skillfully
before it sucks out all of the generosity and
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00:20:02,970 --> 00:20:07,369
passion and intimacy and love that you're
feeling for your partner.
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So absolutely sweat the small stuff.
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00:20:11,315 --> 00:20:11,714
Yeah.
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00:20:11,714 --> 00:20:17,315
I absolutely love that so much because the
analogy I often use is the small stuff is
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00:20:17,315 --> 00:20:24,914
almost like these little tiny holes in our love
boat, and one little small hole, alright, your
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boat's probably gonna be fine.
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Right?
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Your love is gonna probably be fine.
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00:20:28,690 --> 00:20:33,890
But I think what happens is we have all these
little like holes in the boat and it's like
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00:20:33,890 --> 00:20:37,170
this small thing here that we don't mention and
that small thing here.
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00:20:37,170 --> 00:20:42,375
And eventually we just have enough holes in our
romantic love boat that the boat winds up
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sinking.
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00:20:43,335 --> 00:20:45,815
And You're taking on too much water, yes.
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Correct.
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00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:47,174
Exactly.
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Exactly.
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I love to frame this up.
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Yes.
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00:20:51,710 --> 00:20:54,269
It takes skills to patch up those little holes.
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00:20:54,430 --> 00:21:00,509
And so a lot of times, it's like, how do I
learn how to skillfully start a hard
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00:21:00,509 --> 00:21:01,390
conversation?
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00:21:01,470 --> 00:21:05,789
How do I learn how to skillfully ask for
something I desire?
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00:21:06,134 --> 00:21:14,375
How do I skillfully ask for support in finding
some more me time or chasing a dream I've been
356
00:21:14,375 --> 00:21:20,695
thinking about or, you know, having a tough
conversation about the annoying way in which
357
00:21:20,695 --> 00:21:24,670
you chew your food or leave your towels on the
ground or whatever.
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00:21:24,670 --> 00:21:24,910
Right?
359
00:21:24,910 --> 00:21:31,869
So, like, there's so many so so, yeah, if you
just come in guns blazing, like, I'm pissed
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00:21:31,869 --> 00:21:38,394
about this, you're probably not gonna get the
the same results as if you go, okay.
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00:21:38,394 --> 00:21:45,194
Resentment is leading me to this thing that I I
guess I I maybe I've been sacrificing for a
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00:21:45,194 --> 00:21:50,910
long time my desire to go back to school and,
you know, learn this thing and maybe start a
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00:21:50,910 --> 00:21:57,710
business, and how can I skillfully bring up to
my partner that I would really like to explore
364
00:21:57,710 --> 00:22:00,829
this and I would love your support in doing so?
365
00:22:01,070 --> 00:22:06,494
I realize it's gonna ask more from our family,
from, you know, our resources, whether
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00:22:06,494 --> 00:22:14,174
financially or energetically or otherwise, but
I really like to give this a shot.
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00:22:14,174 --> 00:22:20,690
Now that's a much more skillful way to address
that and patch that hole in the boat so that
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00:22:20,690 --> 00:22:26,130
you're not taking on so much water waiting
years and years and years to share this with
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00:22:26,130 --> 00:22:26,929
your partner.
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00:22:27,409 --> 00:22:33,194
I love it and such good advice, and I know we
could talk all day, but I want to respect your
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00:22:33,194 --> 00:22:38,714
time and remind our listeners that you can
always work with Monica, and we're gonna have
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00:22:38,714 --> 00:22:41,434
information below on how to do that.
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00:22:41,994 --> 00:22:47,609
Also, you can get her book, which is called Bad
Marriage Advice, and that is another way to
374
00:22:47,609 --> 00:22:52,250
continue this conversation and learn from
Monica very easily.
375
00:22:52,490 --> 00:22:56,809
And then of course, you have your freebie that
you had mentioned, but please do mention it
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00:22:56,809 --> 00:22:57,450
again if you would.
377
00:22:58,024 --> 00:22:58,664
Yes.
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00:22:58,664 --> 00:23:02,344
So it's 50 connecting conversation starters.
379
00:23:02,505 --> 00:23:05,224
So really, it's just like 50 of my favorite
questions.
380
00:23:05,384 --> 00:23:10,345
Again, it's like this idea of if you were given
a million dollars today, how would you spend
381
00:23:10,345 --> 00:23:10,424
it?
382
00:23:10,750 --> 00:23:15,710
It's just a really fun way to start a
conversation and learn something about your
383
00:23:15,710 --> 00:23:17,390
spouse you might not have known before.
384
00:23:17,390 --> 00:23:21,869
And don't get trapped into thinking that you
already know the answer because I guarantee
385
00:23:22,190 --> 00:23:28,265
that my answer from five years ago is vastly
different than if you asked me today.
386
00:23:28,265 --> 00:23:34,585
So it's just really fun ways to, you know, feel
connected and and increase that emotional
387
00:23:34,585 --> 00:23:36,024
intimacy in your marriage.
388
00:23:36,184 --> 00:23:37,065
Amazing.
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00:23:37,065 --> 00:23:39,065
And we'll have all of that in the show notes.
390
00:23:39,065 --> 00:23:43,769
Remember, as always, if you're interested in
joining us for additional expert guests and a
391
00:23:43,769 --> 00:23:47,690
year long program on how to improve your
marriage, you can join our Hot Monogamy Club
392
00:23:47,690 --> 00:23:48,649
also below.
393
00:23:49,289 --> 00:23:50,809
And please do subscribe.
394
00:23:50,809 --> 00:23:52,490
We have more expert guests coming up.
395
00:23:52,490 --> 00:23:53,130
We have Doctor.
396
00:23:53,130 --> 00:23:54,730
Jessica Higgins coming up soon.
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00:23:54,730 --> 00:23:59,274
We're gonna talk with her a lot about conflict
and how to resolve conflicts in marriage.
398
00:23:59,595 --> 00:24:04,554
So I do hope you will check out Monica and her
free gift and all of her great work and her
399
00:24:04,554 --> 00:24:05,194
book.
400
00:24:05,514 --> 00:24:11,539
And thank you Monica for being here with me and
I will see you all again real soon.
401
00:24:13,859 --> 00:24:16,180
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
402
00:24:16,180 --> 00:24:17,779
Please don't keep me a secret.
403
00:24:17,779 --> 00:24:19,460
Please share this with your friends.
404
00:24:19,619 --> 00:24:26,060
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as
well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.
00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:07,359
Roommate syndrome is just very explanatory of
what happens in long term committed
2
00:00:07,359 --> 00:00:08,240
relationships.
3
00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:10,000
We start all hot and heavy.
4
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:16,655
All of the sudden, the bills and and mortgage
and our careers and our kids and all of the
5
00:00:16,655 --> 00:00:20,734
responsibilities that come with building a life
together start to fit in.
6
00:00:20,734 --> 00:00:28,095
They stop being really intentional about
feeding that connection, that passion, that
7
00:00:27,570 --> 00:00:28,529
intimacy.
8
00:00:28,609 --> 00:00:30,849
They stop having hard conversations.
9
00:00:30,850 --> 00:00:33,729
They stop asking for the things that they want
from each other.
10
00:00:33,729 --> 00:00:36,450
They just start feeling disconnected.
11
00:00:36,450 --> 00:00:41,329
We don't really make an intentional effort to
connect while we're doing it.
12
00:00:41,795 --> 00:00:45,314
We've been fed the lie that love is enough.
13
00:00:45,554 --> 00:00:48,195
There will be time for our relationship later.
14
00:00:54,030 --> 00:00:55,869
Episode of the Libido Lounge.
15
00:00:55,869 --> 00:01:01,710
I am back with Monica Tanner today,
relationship coach, and we are talking about
16
00:01:01,949 --> 00:01:03,229
resentment theory.
17
00:01:03,229 --> 00:01:05,549
We're talking about roommate syndrome.
18
00:01:05,549 --> 00:01:07,575
We're talking about why this happens.
19
00:01:07,575 --> 00:01:15,335
Now, if you haven't listened to part one where
we talked to Monica about why so many myths
20
00:01:15,335 --> 00:01:22,159
that happen in long term relationships, why
they're not true, You know, why just compromise
21
00:01:22,159 --> 00:01:24,239
doesn't actually work that well.
22
00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:27,200
Why happy wife, happy life doesn't work that
well.
23
00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:29,840
So make sure you go listen to part one.
24
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:34,405
That's going to be in the show notes below so
you get all that information.
25
00:01:34,405 --> 00:01:39,444
Remember we are gonna give you a free prize
from Monica at the end of this, so stay for the
26
00:01:39,444 --> 00:01:40,484
end till that.
27
00:01:41,125 --> 00:01:42,644
And welcome back Monica.
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00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:44,004
It's good to have you again.
29
00:01:44,325 --> 00:01:45,045
Thank you.
30
00:01:45,045 --> 00:01:46,084
So excited to be here.
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00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:47,959
Same, same.
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00:01:47,959 --> 00:01:50,200
So let's get right into it as always.
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00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:52,519
So roommate syndrome.
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00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:57,159
Now a lot of people I think are going to
recognize this phrase immediately and know
35
00:01:57,159 --> 00:02:02,775
exactly what we're talking about, but before we
talk about how to actually fix it, can you just
36
00:02:02,775 --> 00:02:04,855
kinda ground us, make sure we're all on the
same page?
37
00:02:04,855 --> 00:02:09,495
Like, what exactly is that and why does it
happen?
38
00:02:09,814 --> 00:02:11,575
Oh, great questions.
39
00:02:11,814 --> 00:02:20,080
Roommate syndrome is just very explanatory of
what happens in long term committed
40
00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:22,879
relationships because we start all hot and
heavy.
41
00:02:22,879 --> 00:02:24,479
We can't keep our hands off each other.
42
00:02:24,479 --> 00:02:28,159
We have these ideas of this incredible life
we're gonna create together.
43
00:02:28,639 --> 00:02:36,525
And then all of the sudden, the bills and the
mortgage and our careers and our kids and all
44
00:02:36,525 --> 00:02:40,925
of the responsibilities that come with building
a life together start to fit in.
45
00:02:41,164 --> 00:02:44,844
And what most people do is they kind of divvy
it out.
46
00:02:45,270 --> 00:02:52,150
I'll do this part of it, and you do this part
of it, and they stop being really intentional
47
00:02:52,150 --> 00:02:56,709
about feeding that connection, that passion,
that intimacy.
48
00:02:57,625 --> 00:02:59,865
They stop having hard conversations.
49
00:02:59,865 --> 00:03:05,625
They stop asking for the things that they want
from each other, and they just start feeling
50
00:03:05,625 --> 00:03:06,665
disconnected.
51
00:03:06,665 --> 00:03:10,509
And that is what roommate syndrome is
describing.
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00:03:10,509 --> 00:03:17,150
It's like we both put our heads down, we get
the work of life done, and we don't really make
53
00:03:17,150 --> 00:03:20,189
an intentional effort to connect while we're
doing it.
54
00:03:20,590 --> 00:03:26,814
And I think this happens, like, my my
professional observation is that this happens
55
00:03:26,814 --> 00:03:31,854
to majority of couples unless they do something
to stop it.
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00:03:31,854 --> 00:03:33,855
Do you see that in your work as well?
57
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A thousand percent because we've been fed the
lie that love is enough and that if, you know,
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if you love each other enough, it'll just
happen.
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There's also added onto it the other lie that
there will be time for our relationship later.
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Right?
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We're locked in.
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We're married for you know, till death do us
part.
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And so when the kids are grown or when we make
this amount of money or when we've reached this
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level of success or whatever, there'll be time
to work on the relationship.
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And often, that's much, much, much too late.
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And so you have to nurture and care for that
relationship throughout your life together even
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in the busy seasons, which is gonna feel never
ending.
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I promise.
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And those busy seasons are so much better when
you have a teammate to share it with.
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And so, you know, the the reality is is that
that passionate, intimate, loving relationship,
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it's not gonna happen by accident, and it's not
luck.
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It's something that you intentionally choose to
do every single moment of every single day.
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So it sounds like then one of the things that
you teach as far as what to do about it is
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largely, like, what I hear in that is a level
of prioritization and saying like, hey, even in
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the busiest seasons of life, which, you know,
will span for decades for most of us, even in
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the busiest seasons of life, you are still
making time.
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This person still has a special place.
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This person still gets attention.
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Right?
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Is that is that what we're saying here, and
what beyond that really have you found to to
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help prevent or heal roommate syndrome?
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Yeah, so two things here.
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The first one is I teach this principle called
the 3% rule.
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This is going to blow your mind, and I promise
if you will do this intentionally, you will
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stay connected even in the busiest seasons.
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3% is all I'm asking.
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So here's the cool thing about time.
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Time is the great equalizer.
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It doesn't matter how much money you make, how
important your friends are, how much you can
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bench press.
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We all get the same exact amount of time.
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Like, you can't buy more time.
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You can't barter for it.
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Legit, everybody gets twenty four hours in a
day.
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And so I've broken this down into less than 3%
of your time will keep you connected throughout
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your life or throughout your marriage.
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Right?
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So 3% of your day is twenty minutes out of the
one thousand four hundred and forty minutes we
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all get.
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Thank you.
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I was pulling out my calculator to do the math.
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So Yeah.
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Do it.
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Do it.
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It's so funny because I've been teaching this
for a long time, and I did a podcast where the
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host, like, loved numbers, and he was like,
he's like, that's 3%.
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I'm like, what?
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3%, you guys.
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So twenty minutes out of the 1,440 every single
one of us gets in a day.
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If you will commit to spending twenty minutes
talking to your spouse, this can be first thing
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when you wake up in the morning.
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It can be after dinner.
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You can go for a walk.
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You can do it after you put the kids to bed.
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I mean, it's literally twenty minutes, and you
guard that time like tiger time.
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You do not bring your bones into that time.
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You don't discuss logistics.
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This is a time where you get to know your
spouse.
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The Gottmans call this love maps.
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So it's like really getting curious about what
is your spouse learning about?
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What are they thinking about during the day?
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What gets them excited?
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What stresses them out?
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How can you support them in the things that
they're dreaming about or thinking about?
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You know, what books are you reading?
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Who are your friends that you really enjoy
talking to?
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These types of questions where you really map
your spouse's mind.
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It takes twenty minutes, and you can both get
some good time in in that twenty minutes.
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So and these are you offered a a free gift to
your to your listeners, and we'll tell you how
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to do that at the end.
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But this is where those 50 connecting questions
really come into play.
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If you'll ask one or two of these questions
each day, it's amazing that you'll learn about
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your spouse.
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You could be married for decades and you still
just didn't know some of these things.
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And even if you at one point knew them, people
change over time.
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Right?
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00:08:12,879 --> 00:08:17,404
So it's like you could get a completely
different answer in a couple of years than you
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have now.
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So these questions never ever expire.
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So twenty minutes a day.
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You add on top of that three hours a week.
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We call this date night.
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People get really you know, there's tons of
people who have made complete platforms over
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date night.
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So you can there's tons of creative different
ways you can do date nights.
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They don't have to be expensive, elaborate, or
far from home.
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They just have to be intentional.
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My husband and I have a rule.
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Date night can slide around on the calendar.
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We have four children.
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We're about to have a grandchild.
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So life gets busy, and sometimes the best laid
plans, they get afforded, but we never erase.
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So maybe somebody has a volleyball tournament
that came up in the middle of date night, and
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we have to move it around a little bit, but we
never erase it.
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This is three hours of doing something fun with
your partner.
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Get out.
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Go for a walk.
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Do a new find a new hobby to do together.
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Find a new place to eat dinner.
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Right?
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There are so many different ways that don't
have to be expensive or elaborate that are
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intentional where you go, I care enough about
this relationship to carve out this time to be
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with you.
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So that's three hours a week.
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We have a hundred and sixty eight hours,
everybody, in a week.
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So that leaves a hundred and sixty five hours
to do whatever you need to do.
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Three of those hours need to be spent
intentionally connecting with your partner.
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And this is where I say date nights should lead
to a lot of physical, emotional intimacy if you
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do it right and you do it on purpose.
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So this is a good time to do that.
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And then one week out of the fifty two weeks in
a year, you should get away.
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Again, it doesn't have to be expensive,
elaborate, or far from home.
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This is the time where you go, you make each
other your priority, you make arrangements so
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that you don't have to worry about the kids or
your business or the money or anything like
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that.
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You get to dream together.
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You get to talk about what did this year look
like for us?
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What do we wanna keep doing more of?
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What do we wanna explore in the next year?
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How are we doing on our five year, ten year,
twenty year plan?
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Right?
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This is really where you get sexy.
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You get, you know, for you forecast.
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You you plan.
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This is like, these are the moments that, for
me, I think about, like, what does it look like
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to grow old with my spouse?
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What's it gonna look like when it's just the
two of us after our kids are all grown and have
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their own lives?
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And, like, it's it's a magical, magical time of
year.
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So, of course, anything you can add to that,
more time is great, but I think only 3% of your
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time is required to stay connected throughout
your marriage.
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Yeah.
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I couldn't agree more, and I think one of the
things that happens so much is that we just
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think the longer we're with somebody, the more
we know them.
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So there's an, you know, an element where it's
like, well, already know them.
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I already heard all their stories.
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You know, they tell the same five stories that
are their favorite stories at every dinner
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party with every new person.
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Right?
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It's so easy to just feel like we know them,
and so we stop asking questions, and the more
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we don't ask questions, the more we actually
don't know them so much anymore.
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And your, you know, your, your freebie is like
is so useful.
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My my partner and I do this all the time, the
questions thing, and he like, we had date night
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on Friday, one of the questions he asked me was
if we were to both star together in a rom com,
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which rom com would be our you know, the one we
would do?
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00:12:00,190 --> 00:12:03,789
And and he chose Hitch and I chose, Christmas
at Veil.
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00:12:04,365 --> 00:12:09,485
And but it you know, the point is it's like
what it started was the conversation on why and
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the conversation on, like, okay.
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Well, like, where you know, what does this say
about our marriage?
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What would be fun?
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Or all all these types of things.
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Right?
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00:12:18,845 --> 00:12:23,860
And it's just you know, my point is that it's
like all it takes is one question like that,
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and like it didn't it's not like we were
talking about that for the whole dinner.
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00:12:26,740 --> 00:12:32,019
That was maybe seven minutes of our dinner
conversation, but what I find sometimes with
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00:12:32,019 --> 00:12:37,514
these questions is when they trigger the
initial conversation, it actually leads then to
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a whole different world of topics that you
wouldn't have got into.
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So, like, you know, your your freebie of the 50
questions, like, in my mind is not just about
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the questions.
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It's about starting conversations in a
different way because then they open up this
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door of exploring the other person and getting
to know the other person in a way that you
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wouldn't have otherwise.
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So love everything you said.
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00:13:00,569 --> 00:13:05,504
Let's talk about I resentment want to take a
quick break from our episode to say that if you
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00:13:05,504 --> 00:13:10,865
are finding that in your long term
relationships, things are just not as
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00:13:10,865 --> 00:13:17,169
passionate, hot, or that you simply feel
overwhelmed or do not have time to prioritize
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00:13:17,169 --> 00:13:19,490
sex, you are not alone.
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00:13:19,970 --> 00:13:27,250
It is so common that people start experiencing
erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, boredom,
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00:13:27,490 --> 00:13:33,825
just a lack of communication or just a sheer
not prioritizing intimacy, their love life, and
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more.
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00:13:34,785 --> 00:13:41,745
That's exactly why I created my Hot Monogamy
Society where couples or individuals come to
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00:13:41,745 --> 00:13:48,860
learn more about how to bring passion and
aliveness back into I want you to think about
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00:13:48,860 --> 00:13:55,259
what you want your relationship to look like in
the next decade or two or three.
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00:13:55,580 --> 00:14:02,324
If you still make the same choices that you are
making today in your relationship, are you
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00:14:02,324 --> 00:14:03,924
going to reach those goals?
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00:14:04,404 --> 00:14:08,725
If not, if you need support, that is what my
society is for.
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00:14:09,044 --> 00:14:12,004
You'll find links about how to join in the show
notes.
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00:14:12,004 --> 00:14:19,159
It is completely private and you can join as a
couple or as an individual to bring information
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00:14:19,159 --> 00:14:23,639
back into your relationship, all found below in
the show notes.
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00:14:24,039 --> 00:14:25,799
Now let's get back to our episode.
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Oh, I I totally wanna get to resentment, I just
wanna respond to the because everything you
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said is right.
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00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:41,075
But I also wanna remind people that, like, even
if you burn through all 50 questions, like,
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let's say you ask all 50 questions and you're
like, alright.
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What now?
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00:14:44,549 --> 00:14:51,029
Can you imagine your answer to the what what
sitcom would we you know, romantic comedy would
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00:14:51,029 --> 00:14:56,309
we be would we star in in your twenties versus
your thirties versus your forties?
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00:14:56,309 --> 00:14:56,629
Right?
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00:14:56,629 --> 00:15:04,014
These questions, they're so good to, like,
recycle them because your partner is changing
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00:15:04,014 --> 00:15:10,975
all the time, and it's so fun to get like,
Esther Perel has this quote that she talks
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00:15:10,975 --> 00:15:20,120
about all the time that most of us get most of
us experience three or four great loves or
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00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:23,560
marriages in our lifetime, some of us to the
same people.
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Right?
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00:15:24,519 --> 00:15:31,235
And so if you think about it, I there's no way
I would answer those questions the same way
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00:15:31,235 --> 00:15:34,115
twenty five years ago as I would answer them
now.
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00:15:34,115 --> 00:15:38,595
And so, yes, having those in your toolbox is
amazing.
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00:15:38,834 --> 00:15:39,475
Yes.
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00:15:39,475 --> 00:15:44,089
Super, super helpful stuff for keeping things
interesting in the relationship.
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00:15:44,089 --> 00:15:47,049
So let's talk now, if you would, about
resentment.
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Yes.
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00:15:47,450 --> 00:15:49,129
Because I know that's a theme in your work.
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I love this Me too.
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Me too.
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00:15:52,730 --> 00:15:58,115
And what you've seen, like, what ways I think
there's common ways that people think of.
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00:15:58,115 --> 00:15:58,434
Right?
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The obvious things around, somebody cheated or
somebody didn't keep their word or somebody
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lied.
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00:16:04,115 --> 00:16:09,475
From a standpoint of trauma, there's the big t
traumas that cause resentment.
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00:16:09,940 --> 00:16:14,179
But I think a lot of times we're not talking as
much as like the little t traumas.
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Right?
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The things that are like, you know what?
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That's not that big of a deal.
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I'm just not going to bring it up.
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00:16:19,539 --> 00:16:25,465
So what do you see in your work from even like
the little t traumas of the relationship as far
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as resentment?
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00:16:26,184 --> 00:16:27,705
Like, how does it build up?
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00:16:27,705 --> 00:16:29,065
How do we prevent it?
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How do we clear it when, you know, when it
happens?
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Can you kinda riff off some of that?
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Yeah.
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Absolutely.
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The the first thing I would say about
resentment is it has a big charge to it, like
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the big r.
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Definitely, I I I used to say all the time,
resentment is where intimacy goes to die.
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Like, as soon as you start have feeling
resentment, you no longer, like, really wanna
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00:16:52,929 --> 00:16:54,769
be get close to this person anymore.
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But resentment is everywhere, so I wanna take
the charge out of that word.
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It's not a big scary word.
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Resentment is like an indicator light on the
dashboard of your car.
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All it means is that something needs attention,
but the longer you leave that light on, the
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more, like, expensive, if you think about it
this way, that, that maintenance is going to
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be.
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So if you go and get your oil change the minute
that indication light comes on, great.
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Like, it's an oil change.
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If you wait too long, your engine could start
to, like, smoke or overheat, blow up.
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Like, heaven forbid, you don't have any oil,
you know, left, and so your engine, like, burns
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out.
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Right?
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Same thing with, like, the tires.
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Like, if that indication light comes on and
you're like, oh, my the tires need air.
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So let's go put some air in the tire.
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That's gonna be a much easier fix than if you
wait until your tire blows on the highway.
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Then you're in a great deal of trouble.
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Right?
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So if we think about resentment as just
something in your marriage needs attention,
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Maybe it's time to have a hard conversation.
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Maybe it's time to ask for something that you
haven't, you know, that maybe you feel you've
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been compromising or giving up or sacrificing.
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00:18:18,045 --> 00:18:21,404
And so maybe it's time to ask your partner to
do something.
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I mean, resentment can start as small as you're
frustrated with the way your partner loads the
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toilet paper on the roll.
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It could be as big as, you know, not having
rituals like kissing each other when you leave
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the house or I mean, it could it could indicate
that there's, like, full blown disconnection.
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So all I want you to do is think about
resentment as a little indicator light on the
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dashboard.
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If you pay attention to it immediately, it's
going to be a lot less costly than if you leave
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it on for a very long time, ignore it, and let
the problem just keep compounding.
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So that's the first thing I would teach about
resentment.
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It really isn't scary.
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00:19:04,799 --> 00:19:06,639
It's just like something needs attention.
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00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:12,239
And if you feel it out and think about, like,
what is missing?
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00:19:12,559 --> 00:19:14,694
What am I actually looking for?
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00:19:14,694 --> 00:19:20,774
What is there a need, a desire, something
inside that I haven't asked for or made clear
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to my partner?
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That's where I would start.
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And then marriage is all about skills.
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00:19:29,149 --> 00:19:35,950
So I would have you so here's, like we'll do
another, like, link to my book, if you will.
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People love to say don't sweat the small stuff.
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And I like to say, absolutely sweat the small
stuff.
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Address the small stuff skillfully before it
becomes the big stuff.
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So just like I'm talking about, if you're
feeling a small amount resentment in your life,
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let's get the skills to deal with it skillfully
before it sucks out all of the generosity and
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00:20:02,970 --> 00:20:07,369
passion and intimacy and love that you're
feeling for your partner.
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So absolutely sweat the small stuff.
335
00:20:11,315 --> 00:20:11,714
Yeah.
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00:20:11,714 --> 00:20:17,315
I absolutely love that so much because the
analogy I often use is the small stuff is
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00:20:17,315 --> 00:20:24,914
almost like these little tiny holes in our love
boat, and one little small hole, alright, your
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00:20:24,914 --> 00:20:26,529
boat's probably gonna be fine.
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00:20:26,529 --> 00:20:26,690
Right?
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00:20:26,690 --> 00:20:28,690
Your love is gonna probably be fine.
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00:20:28,690 --> 00:20:33,890
But I think what happens is we have all these
little like holes in the boat and it's like
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this small thing here that we don't mention and
that small thing here.
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And eventually we just have enough holes in our
romantic love boat that the boat winds up
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sinking.
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00:20:43,335 --> 00:20:45,815
And You're taking on too much water, yes.
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00:20:45,894 --> 00:20:46,454
Correct.
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00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:47,174
Exactly.
348
00:20:47,335 --> 00:20:48,054
Exactly.
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I love to frame this up.
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Yes.
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00:20:51,710 --> 00:20:54,269
It takes skills to patch up those little holes.
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00:20:54,430 --> 00:21:00,509
And so a lot of times, it's like, how do I
learn how to skillfully start a hard
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00:21:00,509 --> 00:21:01,390
conversation?
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00:21:01,470 --> 00:21:05,789
How do I learn how to skillfully ask for
something I desire?
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00:21:06,134 --> 00:21:14,375
How do I skillfully ask for support in finding
some more me time or chasing a dream I've been
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00:21:14,375 --> 00:21:20,695
thinking about or, you know, having a tough
conversation about the annoying way in which
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00:21:20,695 --> 00:21:24,670
you chew your food or leave your towels on the
ground or whatever.
358
00:21:24,670 --> 00:21:24,910
Right?
359
00:21:24,910 --> 00:21:31,869
So, like, there's so many so so, yeah, if you
just come in guns blazing, like, I'm pissed
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00:21:31,869 --> 00:21:38,394
about this, you're probably not gonna get the
the same results as if you go, okay.
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00:21:38,394 --> 00:21:45,194
Resentment is leading me to this thing that I I
guess I I maybe I've been sacrificing for a
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00:21:45,194 --> 00:21:50,910
long time my desire to go back to school and,
you know, learn this thing and maybe start a
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00:21:50,910 --> 00:21:57,710
business, and how can I skillfully bring up to
my partner that I would really like to explore
364
00:21:57,710 --> 00:22:00,829
this and I would love your support in doing so?
365
00:22:01,070 --> 00:22:06,494
I realize it's gonna ask more from our family,
from, you know, our resources, whether
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00:22:06,494 --> 00:22:14,174
financially or energetically or otherwise, but
I really like to give this a shot.
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00:22:14,174 --> 00:22:20,690
Now that's a much more skillful way to address
that and patch that hole in the boat so that
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00:22:20,690 --> 00:22:26,130
you're not taking on so much water waiting
years and years and years to share this with
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00:22:26,130 --> 00:22:26,929
your partner.
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00:22:27,409 --> 00:22:33,194
I love it and such good advice, and I know we
could talk all day, but I want to respect your
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00:22:33,194 --> 00:22:38,714
time and remind our listeners that you can
always work with Monica, and we're gonna have
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00:22:38,714 --> 00:22:41,434
information below on how to do that.
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00:22:41,994 --> 00:22:47,609
Also, you can get her book, which is called Bad
Marriage Advice, and that is another way to
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00:22:47,609 --> 00:22:52,250
continue this conversation and learn from
Monica very easily.
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00:22:52,490 --> 00:22:56,809
And then of course, you have your freebie that
you had mentioned, but please do mention it
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00:22:56,809 --> 00:22:57,450
again if you would.
377
00:22:58,024 --> 00:22:58,664
Yes.
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00:22:58,664 --> 00:23:02,344
So it's 50 connecting conversation starters.
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00:23:02,505 --> 00:23:05,224
So really, it's just like 50 of my favorite
questions.
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00:23:05,384 --> 00:23:10,345
Again, it's like this idea of if you were given
a million dollars today, how would you spend
381
00:23:10,345 --> 00:23:10,424
it?
382
00:23:10,750 --> 00:23:15,710
It's just a really fun way to start a
conversation and learn something about your
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00:23:15,710 --> 00:23:17,390
spouse you might not have known before.
384
00:23:17,390 --> 00:23:21,869
And don't get trapped into thinking that you
already know the answer because I guarantee
385
00:23:22,190 --> 00:23:28,265
that my answer from five years ago is vastly
different than if you asked me today.
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00:23:28,265 --> 00:23:34,585
So it's just really fun ways to, you know, feel
connected and and increase that emotional
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00:23:34,585 --> 00:23:36,024
intimacy in your marriage.
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00:23:36,184 --> 00:23:37,065
Amazing.
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00:23:37,065 --> 00:23:39,065
And we'll have all of that in the show notes.
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00:23:39,065 --> 00:23:43,769
Remember, as always, if you're interested in
joining us for additional expert guests and a
391
00:23:43,769 --> 00:23:47,690
year long program on how to improve your
marriage, you can join our Hot Monogamy Club
392
00:23:47,690 --> 00:23:48,649
also below.
393
00:23:49,289 --> 00:23:50,809
And please do subscribe.
394
00:23:50,809 --> 00:23:52,490
We have more expert guests coming up.
395
00:23:52,490 --> 00:23:53,130
We have Doctor.
396
00:23:53,130 --> 00:23:54,730
Jessica Higgins coming up soon.
397
00:23:54,730 --> 00:23:59,274
We're gonna talk with her a lot about conflict
and how to resolve conflicts in marriage.
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00:23:59,595 --> 00:24:04,554
So I do hope you will check out Monica and her
free gift and all of her great work and her
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00:24:04,554 --> 00:24:05,194
book.
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00:24:05,514 --> 00:24:11,539
And thank you Monica for being here with me and
I will see you all again real soon.
401
00:24:13,859 --> 00:24:16,180
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
402
00:24:16,180 --> 00:24:17,779
Please don't keep me a secret.
403
00:24:17,779 --> 00:24:19,460
Please share this with your friends.
404
00:24:19,619 --> 00:24:26,060
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as
well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.
