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Welcome back.
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Today I have the most amazing guest.
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She is known as the intimacy expert to millions.
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We're going to dive into everything that is pleasure, passion, connection, safety.
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She's a speaker, one of the most prolific authors.
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She has courses to help people guide them into a better, deeper, more connected sex life.
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And her knowledge and passion is beyond compare.
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So welcome to a lighthouse in the dark.
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Susan Bratton.
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Welcome.
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Michael, I love the name of your show, Lighthouse in the Dark.
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It's so funny.
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I I have been working on an acceptance speech because I plan for success and I am up against some tough competition.
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But um I've been nominated for Sex Educator of the Year.
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And so I'm like, well, I'm the GOAT.
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Maybe I'll win.
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And um uh so I've been working on the the acceptance speech, and a part of it is how sex educators are uh lighting the the darkest part of our lives through our education, and that we are not necessarily it's not a career, it's a devotion.
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And I really feel like what I do is a devotional practice to healing the wounds of shame and the fear that comes from a lack of knowledge and information, which is censorship and suppression.
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And so I just love when shows like yours, who are very heartfelt and growth-oriented, that's kind of my people.
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Because most people just give up on their sex lives.
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They think sex is intercourse and that's all it is, and they don't know how to talk about it, and they're it's a you know, it's a very repetitive kind of a thing.
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Well, that's actually procreation, not love making.
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And so writing hundreds of techniques and bedroom communication skills and what I would have called intimate wellness, but now I'm actually calling regenerative intimacy.
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Because that even expands the benefits of fighting for your sex life till the day you die, where you want to be on an upward pleasure spiral where sex keeps getting better and better over time instead of swirling down the toilet like most people.
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And it keeps you younger, healthier, and happier longer.
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It literally adds years of health and happiness to your life.
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And so this repression and suppression that we're under is actually in kind of enslaving us to shopping, consuming televisions, consuming social media rather than having intimate pleasure with our partners.
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And the more I can do to find my people like your audience, which is expansive, open to growth.
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That's the mindset it takes to be one of those people who's like, sex is as good for you as like your nutrition, your weight-bearing exercises, and your sleep recovery?
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Whoa, tell me the science behind that.
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That's landing for people in a way that it never has.
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So thank you for having me.
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Yeah, I'm thrilled.
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I this is you actually kind of touched on something.
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I think people see you now and they make the assumption that you were always this person or that sex was always easy for you.
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And that can't be further from the truth from what I what I've done research.
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Tell me about how you got into this.
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Let's let's talk about you a little before we really dive into all the details of how to help everybody else.
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Let's talk about you for a moment.
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How did you become this version of you?
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Yeah.
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Um, a couple of a couple of things.
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One, I always wanted to have good sex, and it felt very elusive to me.
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By the time I was in my early 30s and I met my husband, we had pretty good sexual connection, and I thought, oh, this is great.
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Not only is he so brilliant and so kind and loving, and he loves my ambition.
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He doesn't try to oppress me, he's the wind beneath my wings, and he he's great in bed with me.
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But uh but the pro I married him, and the problem was that we were the blind leading the blind behind closed doors.
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It's the dark.
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That's the darkness, those bedrooms all across the world where nobody knows nothing except the most basic things and everything we see.
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It and not as much 30 years ago or 20 years ago, 25 years ago about now for us.
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But that was the kind of the beginning of the pornography area, but era, but now it's like everything is degrading to women.
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I j I mean like the choking and the all this disgusting stuff, you know?
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And more and more extreme we're scenarios and exactly.
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I will say this as somebody who grew up in film and television is I think we've done a disservice to the world because we've perverted what sex looks like, partially because in film and television we're on the clock, and there's a used to be called censorship in in when I first started, now it's standards and practices.
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Somebody stands over there and it's like a little too much side boob, a little a little too much uh friction, like we need you to space that now with intimacy coordinators, it's even more, and then it's like, okay, this has to all happen in 30 seconds in this film or this television project, which gives everybody the wrong idea about intimacy.
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Exactly.
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Movies and TV are just porn light, but w we never see any examples of female-led pleasure.
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When the woman, when the female body gets the arousal that she needs, the time and attention, the trust and safety, the novelty and the variety, and she opens to her pleasure, th her male partner is happier than he's ever been.
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What he wants most is to give us incredible pleasure, but we're all in the dark because of the censorship.
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So one of the great things in an and why I appreciate so much being invited on your show is not just the mindset of your audience, but the opportunity for us to have a fully uncensored conversation.
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I don't know how long it's gonna last, Michael.
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I don't know because they're turning the screws on censorship today in our government and across the big social platforms.
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The screws are screwing.
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Oh yeah, chatter banning, getting restricted.
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It's all happening currently.
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I'm doing everything fitted, as are you, and like we have to have these conversations because they're the things that keep people free and people open and people able to grow.
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Yes.
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So what happened with my husband and I was that I I really never had an orgasm from intercourse.
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I didn't know how to do it, and I thought that it was just me.
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I just thought I couldn't do it.
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And my husband was like, Well, you know, I still want to have intercourse, like that's what we're doing when we're married.
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And I dutifully had intercourse with him and tried to get what I could out of it for over a decade, and I just was avoiding him for sex.
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I was I was doing mercy sex and duty booty.
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And I think a lot of people, as I say those words, us often female-bodied partners, because it's not men's fault, it's just that we're stuck in this paradigm that we're trying to get out of, which is very repressive.
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We just don't see heart-connected, passionate, conscious, fully present love-making, super hot, connected sex that leads us to co-creative, ecstatic bliss that doesn't just prioritize intercourse, it teaches us how to become massively multi-orgasmic from intercourse.
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It teaches men that they can have as many different kinds of orgasms as women can, and that it's unlimited, but there are more than 20 kinds of orgasms the human body can have.
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And so when I when a sex expert gets up on a stage and says, Hey, if you can't have an orgasm from intercore, don't worry about it.
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It's just nice to be close to your husband.
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I'm like, bitch, try that for 10 years.
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It just gets old.
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So we ended up seeing therapists.
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They didn't, they couldn't really tell us what to do.
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Now, decades later, we have sexologists, we have sex therapists, we have ASEC, we have the Science Sexual Health Alliance, we have an educational infrastructure that's churning out incredible educators.
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But we didn't have that back then.
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We had marriage therapists, and they were, they had, it was like the doctors of today who literally go to medical school, and the textbooks don't even have accurate genital anatomy for women in them.
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So we're still in this weird phase where we have the rise of porn, the textbooks are still raw, you know, like it's a new purpose.
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The anatomy hasn't even really been mapped.
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I mean, we we can talk about how the anatomy works and even the numbers that we use.
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Like they say for women there's 8,000 nerve endings, but that study isn't even based on humans, right?
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It's on pigs, right?
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Yeah.
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Yeah, now we do know it because of nerve-sparing um uh genital surgeries for trans folk.
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Uh it's 10,000 now, roughly 10,000.
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So highly enervated member of our body.
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But what's interesting is that people are still really focused on the tip of the clitoris, like you've got to touch the tip of the clitoris if you want to have an orgasm.
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I'm like, no.
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The clitoris is literally three different erectile tissue structures that the spongy tissue in them is as much as is in our male partner's penises.
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And you know how that goes from just a little thumb, especially if it's cold, to a impressive staff, a man canon.
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Well, that's exactly what's inside our female bodies, but we women don't even know that it takes us 20 minutes versus the two minutes of our partner to get fully engorged and to get our lady erections, our clitoral erections.
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But they're really clitoral urethral perineal sponges that wrap around the vaginal pocket.
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And women hardly ever get enough arousal you know, things that they need to get aroused and get that tissue filled up.
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Sex is over before they even get there.
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And so you wonder why a woman like me ends up thinking that maybe I need you know that my husband wants to divorce me because I can't have an orgasm from intercourse, so I don't want sex, and sex is only integral.
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You know, it was like we were caught in that thing, and I know of so many people who have been caught in that whole thing.
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That whole lack of things.
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How frustrating was that?
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Because you did you feel like there was something wrong with you?
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Did you feel like you were being cheated of the full experience?
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Did you did he feel like was there frustration on his part?
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Because all of those things I think are natural.
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Yeah, well, he was having an affair to get his me needs met.
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I was deeply ashamed of myself.
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We thought it was my problem.
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So then, Michael, we go to sex workshops because the therapist couldn't help us.
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And we went to our first sex workshop.
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It was Sex, Love, and Intimacy by the Human Awareness Institute.
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We did level one and it blew our frickin' minds.
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We went on to do pretty much all the levels of that.
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We went to ecstatic loving tantre workshops, we went to orgasmic meditation, we did, we started going to so many different things, but it was really amazing how quickly we realized there was nothing wrong with me.
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We just didn't understand the recipe for orgasmic intercourse.
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And so we just started doing it.
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We're like, oh my god, we had a renaissance, we came back together, it was incredible.
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And I've just celebrated my f 35th year with this man, and my sex life is better than it's ever been.
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And so it's really nice to know that sex can keep getting better if you get the information.
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The minute you learn it and apply it, it works.
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Human bodies are an operating system, and when you get the right inputs, there's not a darn thing wrong with any of us.
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We can all do all these things.
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It might take a little practice.
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You know, you try it the first time, it's okay, I see where we're going with this.
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The second one you're like, I'm getting more comfortable.
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The third time you're like, I think we're I think it's gonna happen.
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And then the fourth time you're like, oh my god, now I'm now I'm dead.
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There was nothing wrong with me.
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I just didn't know what I needed.
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So one of the things I want to give your listeners right now, before I forget, is a collection of my ten best orgasmic intercourse techniques that give not only the penis, but the vagina, the vulva, the vulvo-vaginal system, the C U V clitoral urethral vaginal system, the Yoni, Y-O-N-I, my favorite four-letter word, the tantric love-making word for the female genitals, gives that system what it needs to come because we have different, we have different arousal structures.
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And so uh that's at orgasmicintercourse.com and uh it gives you the ten techniques so you can try them one by one by one.
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And what's neat about that is that you can try anything in any order because sex techniques are a vast landscape.
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I've written a thousand of them, and you can jump in anywhere that appeals to you.
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So if you're like, oh, let's try glissando, or oh, let's try the heart tongue method, or let's try crouching tiger squatting dragon, you know, you know, once you try them, and you can start to activate all of the different areas of the Yoni, I'll just use that word.
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I like it, it's very reverential.
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Then you start having success, and then she starts coming, and now she knows there's nothing wrong with her, and then you're like, well, what about oral?
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Well, what about anal?
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What about kissing?
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What about breastplay?
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Like, we need to learn all those things, which is great, but there is one foundation piece that success rests on that is not a sex technique.
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Is this based on safety and like communication?
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Yes.
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Good job!
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But none of that happens if you can't engage the brain and like have a real conversation because the deeper conversation creates the trust and the base level for the connection that you need.
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We're not just robots and it's not just procreation, right?
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And we're different every day.
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Yeah, and and bodies change over time.
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That's the other part of part of the beauty of being with somebody long term is you get to explore and play and learn how the body is changing and change together and find new ways to please each other.
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Yeah.
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It's exactly right.
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And um, most women, and I'm gonna generalize here because human sexual response is a big bell curve, though the operating system works the same, though some people have found the pain pathway to pleasure versus the pleasure pathway uh generates the endorphins and things like that.
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It's still the same operating system.
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But the issue is that most generally most women think I don't know what I want, I just know what I'm getting isn't it.
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And if I say anything to him, he shuts down, he crashes out, he takes it as failure.
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So I just keep myself keep I just keep my mouth shut and put up with it.
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That's a recipe for disaster.
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That so that's why whenever I have an opportunity to tell people, the number one thing you can you must learn is how to know what you want and how to safely be able to express it to each other and to understand that you live in an animal body and it's you know has to deal with the vagaries of of female moon cycles even after menopause, it has to deal with sleep and nutrition and energy levels, mitochondrial function, you know, uh how you feel about them outside the bedroom, uh your emotional situation, are you depressed, or you know, how do you feel?
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You know, all these things, they really come into it.
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So when we can get, especially our male body partners, our men, to understand, to get hungry for your feedback, to be like, how's this, babe?
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Yeah, tell me more, and to encourage you to really feel into what you want.
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And even if you can't find the words, do your best and figure it out together, and then that encourages him to speak up for what he desires, what he wants, what'll feel good to him.
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That's very important too.
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And men, they just want to do such a good job pleasing us that they often don't get to ask for their own needs.
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They're still just trying to do the right thing.
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And when they're trying to do that without enough to go on, now they're in this kind of performative mindset, which is what creates most premature ejaculation, which affects 25% of men at every age.
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So that creates problems too when a man can't when he doesn't feel like he has ejaculatory choice, when he doesn't feel like he has the opportunity to last as long as you want him to, and then you're begging him to come.
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And so I think the communication technique is very important.
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And for any of your listeners who want access to that, the link to that is sexual soulmatepact, P A C T dot com.
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And that's like an agreement between lovers.
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Print it out, hand it to your partner, and begin the practice of opening and expanding your communication because after you learn that, you can move to dirty talk, saying what you see, sharing frames.
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There are many moaning, there are many things that open the throat in the bedroom.
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And the throat being open can now you can have throat chasms, right?
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I mean, that is a fantastic kind of an orgasm.
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So it's really important to find your voice in the bedroom, and this is the technique that's been handed down to me to me by one of my mentors that I think is the Sexual Soulmate Pact is the foundation.
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Communication is the foundation to hot sex that keeps getting better.
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So that's another asset for your crew if they'd like to learn the most important things.
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We were talking about connection, and I know all over the internet people love to talk about the five love languages.
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Yeah.
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They love to talk about like affirmation and physical touch and gifts and acts of service.
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You have kind of coined a new version that I think people really need to lean into, which is the five lust languages.
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So I'd love like the first one, fearless feedback, which is what you were kind of touching on.
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Yes.
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Let's start there, because I think sex is still taboo in so many ways.
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And I think so many of us grow up psychologically with this restriction or culturally or society has asked us to be very like look, there's gonna be people who are gonna have their mind blown that I'm having this conversation because they know me as like DJ on Roseanne, right?
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So they're gonna see the little kid having a sex conversation.
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Like, I got adult children and like I'm a healthy, happy person, so if if you can't handle that, you're gonna have to come along with it.
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But part of this is like to have fearless connection and conversation.
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How do you set the framework for that, Susan?
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By the way, Michael, you turned out so handsome.
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Not that you weren't, not that you weren't an adorable young man, but um God, you turned out to be a handsome guy.
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Like, there's no question you should be an LA actor.
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Uh you look like an LA actor.
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Um, yeah, it's funny, the five love languages, I never really liked him because not because I didn't think they were a good idea, um, but Gary Chapman was a pastor and he used it to kind of manipulate his wife and the women of his organization, and everyone saw through that and didn't like it.
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University of Toronto, some researchers just wrote a paper in a sexuality clinical guide.
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They they posted a paper that basically negated the whole construct of five love languages, and they said they're all important.
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And that was the thing I never liked about it was that people felt like they had to pick up like mine's words of affirmation.
00:19:56.319 --> 00:19:58.400
Oh no, mine's all the tanks.
00:19:58.559 --> 00:19:59.279
Give me them all.
00:19:59.359 --> 00:20:06.160
It's this it's I want intercourse, I want oral, I want hugging, I want kissing, I want breastplay.
00:20:06.319 --> 00:20:08.720
I want all five of the love language too.
00:20:08.799 --> 00:20:18.160
You know, like beforehand so I don't have to be stressed about stuff so I can clear my head so I can go actually focus in the bedroom.
00:20:18.480 --> 00:20:19.440
Exactly.
00:20:19.920 --> 00:20:30.640
So when I wrote up the five lust languages, what I really felt was that yes, we need to keep romancing our partners to even have desire for them.
00:20:31.039 --> 00:20:39.759
Because if you think about libido, desire and arousal, libido is your health, and when your health isn't good, your your desire for sex is just not there.
00:20:40.079 --> 00:20:44.640
Desire is how do you feel about yourself emotionally and how do you feel about your partner?
00:20:44.720 --> 00:20:47.039
And that's where the love language kind of stuff comes in.
00:20:47.119 --> 00:21:01.279
If they're really not even trying to create an experience for love making, if they're just like waiting around for you to ask for sex or whatever, because they don't want to be rejected, you know, it's a non-starter.
00:21:01.519 --> 00:21:20.079
When I wrote my five love languages, I came up with a frame, I put the five things down that I think after 20 years of teaching, passionate love making and bedroom communication skills, what are the five things that really create that foundation for a couple to get on the upward pleasure spiral where sex keeps getting better?
00:21:20.319 --> 00:21:26.240
And when I laid it all out, I was like, oh, I can spell flesh out of this as the acronym, so it's F-L-E-S-H.
00:21:26.319 --> 00:21:27.680
And I'm like, oh, I like that.
00:21:27.920 --> 00:21:33.279
So the F, the fearless feedback, is exactly what we were just talking about with the Sexual Soulmate Pact.
00:21:33.519 --> 00:21:39.519
And that is that the hungrier you are for feedback, the better your sex gets.
00:21:39.759 --> 00:21:46.240
Because one of the examples of once you can ask for what you need, your partner is like, oh yeah, totally.
00:21:46.319 --> 00:21:47.200
That sounds great.
00:21:47.359 --> 00:21:51.279
Or you you hop into bed and you're like, I don't know, we'll see if we can get there.
00:21:51.359 --> 00:21:52.480
You'll see if we can get me there.
00:21:52.559 --> 00:21:53.759
Let's see if we can get me aroused.
00:21:53.839 --> 00:21:57.039
Like, I've been so busy all day, but I am willing to give it a shot.
00:21:57.200 --> 00:21:59.759
You know, you get there and you're like, I'm kind of in the mood to do.
00:22:00.480 --> 00:22:02.000
This and this tonight.
00:22:02.160 --> 00:22:05.599
And then you start the first thing, and then you're like, no, I don't want to do that.
00:22:05.680 --> 00:22:07.119
Second thing, I want to do this instead.
00:22:07.279 --> 00:22:19.440
Like being able to have that feeling that the next moment is just a curiosity of your desire in the moment, and where do you want to go?
00:22:19.920 --> 00:22:31.039
Instead of thinking that there's this preordained train that's leaving the station when you're on it, your job is to get an erection, penetrate her, have an ejaculation, and go make a sandwich.
00:22:31.119 --> 00:22:35.200
And God, you hope she comes, you know, like that's boring.
00:22:35.279 --> 00:22:44.640
That's the monotony of monog monotony of monogamy that they talk about, where there's two, there's plenty of trust and safety, but there's really no novelty and variety.
00:22:44.720 --> 00:22:58.720
And so the sexual soulmate pact is really that whole idea of having this fearlessness around hearing anything and everything that your partner wants to say to you, because it's just about what's going on for them right now, and it makes life juicy.
00:22:58.880 --> 00:23:20.960
It's very similar to having a relationship of complete and total honesty, not withholding, sugarcoating, you know, walking on eggshells, stuffing it, all the things our culture teaches us to do, which are stupid and they give us, they destroy our emotional body.
00:23:21.359 --> 00:23:29.119
And when you move toward a commitment toward honesty together, it makes your relationships so much juicier.
00:23:29.200 --> 00:23:34.000
And you get to do the work of processing your issues together, and that matures you.
00:23:34.079 --> 00:23:38.079
And when you can bring that into the bedroom, it's even hotter.
00:23:38.480 --> 00:23:44.240
And there's a feedback portion of this that sometimes this feels really good right now.
00:23:44.400 --> 00:23:44.559
Yeah.
00:23:44.720 --> 00:23:54.720
And if that's not like as someone who writes the ingredients and the lessons of how to make the best recipe for sex, because that's something that you're known for.
00:23:56.319 --> 00:24:04.000
Anyone who's really good at making any recipe knows sometimes you've got to deviate from the recipe a little, or some days it's a little different, right?
00:24:04.799 --> 00:24:12.079
So if you have feedback, then your partner feels safe to turn to you and be like, no more of that right now, or like this is driving me crazy right now.
00:24:12.240 --> 00:24:14.640
I'm extra sensitive, please continue.
00:24:15.599 --> 00:24:20.319
As opposed to you trying to just move through the steps to get to a finish line.
00:24:20.559 --> 00:24:21.599
And that's the other part.
00:24:21.759 --> 00:24:31.039
Like people are so worried, I think, sometimes that either they're not going to finish or that it's not going to work out because they never had the conversation piece of it.
00:24:31.599 --> 00:24:34.400
If you can have the feedback, it's like I I want more of you.
00:24:34.559 --> 00:24:38.000
Nothing feels better than for somebody to tell you that they want more of you.
00:24:38.400 --> 00:24:38.880
Yes.
00:24:39.119 --> 00:24:40.000
To be wanted.
00:24:41.039 --> 00:24:42.880
If we can't have real feedback.
00:24:43.200 --> 00:24:44.799
Talk about a love space, right?
00:24:44.960 --> 00:24:47.359
Because the L in flesh is love space, right?
00:24:47.599 --> 00:24:48.799
Yeah, lover space.
00:24:49.200 --> 00:24:51.519
Um, this was taught to me by my mentor, Dr.
00:24:51.599 --> 00:24:52.720
Patty Taylor.
00:24:52.880 --> 00:24:57.920
Um, I've been teaching something called the expanded orgasm practice for decades.
00:24:58.160 --> 00:25:04.960
My husband has spent over a thousand hours stroking my clitoris with this five-stroke technique.
00:25:05.279 --> 00:25:14.559
It is the mechanism that allowed me to become orgasmic from intercourse without even touching my clitoris at all.
00:25:14.880 --> 00:25:35.519
And the what you do is you set the nest, you create the lover space so that when you're learning this practice, so that your woman can just enter the scene, take off her clothes, lie down and relax so that she doesn't have another thing to do.
00:25:35.920 --> 00:25:40.319
I need to fold that laundry before I can relax, or I need to do whatever, the bed is a mess.
00:25:40.400 --> 00:25:53.759
Or for example, just as a way to explain it, um, I went over to see my girlfriend uh l last week, and I said to my husband, because we're both busy entrepreneurs, and um I said to him, I'll be home around 7, 7, 15.
00:25:53.920 --> 00:25:54.880
Do you want to have a date?
00:25:55.039 --> 00:25:56.559
That means a love-making date.
00:25:56.720 --> 00:25:58.960
Um, that looked like a good time on your calendar.
00:25:59.119 --> 00:25:59.920
He's like, definitely.
00:26:00.160 --> 00:26:02.960
I said, Will you mind setting up the nest and I'll be home?
00:26:03.039 --> 00:26:04.240
And he's like, Of course.
00:26:04.400 --> 00:26:05.519
This is what he does.
00:26:05.680 --> 00:26:23.039
He's just learned to take that off my plate and create the conditions for my surrender to pleasure because it takes me a lot longer to shift and switch out of my active beta state and into that theta brainwave state, which is meditation and orgasm.
00:26:23.279 --> 00:26:26.079
You have to be relaxed for your arousal to climb.
00:26:26.319 --> 00:26:29.039
So taking that off my plate does two things.
00:26:29.200 --> 00:26:34.880
One, it shows me he's committed to doing something that allows me to surrender to my pleasure.
00:26:35.039 --> 00:26:39.839
He's taken it off my plate, he's got it handled, he's showing masculine sexual leadership.
00:26:40.000 --> 00:26:49.279
And essentially what that looks like for us, and your mileage may vary, is he in our bedroom, which is gorgeous, I've built it to be so beautiful.
00:26:49.440 --> 00:26:57.920
I've got a a ceiling uh that retracts uh so I can see the sky and the the sequoias above me.
00:26:58.160 --> 00:27:11.279
I've got um mirrored wall of closets, I've got a fireplace with a click of the button, I've got uh warm lighting that isn't white, it's this you know kind of sexy lighting.
00:27:11.440 --> 00:27:15.680
We've got bedside tables with glass on them so lubes never mess them up.
00:27:15.920 --> 00:27:21.200
We've got stacks of towels in the closet, we've got our lay-down liberator waterproof sheets.
00:27:21.279 --> 00:27:25.839
We he's got his Zathu little meditation cushion he sits up on.
00:27:26.000 --> 00:27:33.359
So when we get into the doing position, which is doing stands for deliberate orgasm, it's a part of the expanded orgasm practice.
00:27:33.519 --> 00:27:35.359
He's the giver, I'm the receiver.
00:27:35.920 --> 00:27:36.799
And he gets that.
00:27:36.960 --> 00:27:45.440
He puts on these little Japanese like cotton fisherman pants because then his leg hair doesn't scratch my belly when he puts his leg over me to stroke me.
00:27:45.519 --> 00:27:48.079
Um and he wears a t-shirt just so he's comfortable.
00:27:48.160 --> 00:28:01.440
He's got his little pillow behind his back, he gets a pitcher of water and a couple of glasses, he lays out the lubes, he lays out my favorite sex toys, he's got his stack of towels, he puts on music or he waits for me to choose what I want that sounds good to both of us.
00:28:01.599 --> 00:28:05.119
And so I walk into that and he's ready to go.
00:28:05.279 --> 00:28:14.079
He's already showered, he's shaved, he's manscaped, he's filing his fingernails because he's touching my jet my delicate genitals and they are clean as a whistle.
00:28:14.319 --> 00:28:15.599
And he's ready to go.
00:28:15.759 --> 00:28:21.359
He's showing me that he is in service to the goddess and her pleasure.
00:28:21.680 --> 00:28:30.880
And that really works for me and for both of us because he doesn't have to make me an offer for sex, which is too big an offer.
00:28:31.200 --> 00:28:40.000
He knows that if I lay down and he gets his hands on me, 95 times out of a hundred, I'm gonna be like, well, now here's what I'd like to do.
00:28:40.240 --> 00:28:47.839
And I may lay there for 15 minutes, bringing myself back to my sensation to get out of my head and into my body.
00:28:47.920 --> 00:28:52.160
And other times he puts his hands on me and I go skyrocket right into orgasm.
00:28:52.319 --> 00:29:02.079
It's always gonna be different, and he doesn't have any like need for anything to happen or not happen.
00:29:02.319 --> 00:29:10.559
He is in the flow state, connected to me in pleasure and just enjoying watching my arousal blossom.
00:29:11.039 --> 00:29:18.559
And every time he does this yoni massage and clitoral stroking with me, which is really what helps me.
00:29:18.720 --> 00:29:24.319
Sometimes when I'm done with that, I want to have him hold me in his arms and connect with him.
00:29:24.480 --> 00:29:33.359
Sometimes I want to go down on him, sometimes I want to jump his bones, sometimes I want to try out a new vibrator or a new sex position.
00:29:33.599 --> 00:29:41.039
There's always something I want, and he's very flexible about following my lead.
00:29:41.200 --> 00:29:44.480
And once in a while I'm like, I don't know what I want.
00:29:44.559 --> 00:29:45.680
Can you run me an offer?
00:29:45.839 --> 00:29:46.960
Can you run me a menu?
00:29:47.119 --> 00:29:54.319
Just come up with three or four or five things that sound really good, and he'll run through a whole menu and I'll go, No, I don't like this, but here's what I want to do.
00:29:54.559 --> 00:29:56.000
He's like, okay, that sounds good.
00:29:56.160 --> 00:30:05.680
Like it is, it's a joyful surprise to see what the this little animal I live in is craving, and he's just there to give it to me.
00:30:05.839 --> 00:30:15.200
And I just think that is such a nice construct that most people, especially women, never get the opportunity to explore.
00:30:15.359 --> 00:30:17.759
So thank you for letting me tell you about that.
00:30:17.920 --> 00:30:21.920
Because when he sets that lover space, I get to relax.
00:30:22.079 --> 00:30:29.519
And if that 5% where I'm like, I just can't get off the dime, babe, I need you to just let me roll over and go to sleep and tuck me in.
00:30:29.599 --> 00:30:38.000
And he just pulls the sheet and the cover right up over my little shoulder and tucks me in and kisses me goodnight, and he's never mad about it.
00:30:38.240 --> 00:30:46.720
Because the more opportunities he uses to create that haven, that lover space for me, the higher frequency of sex he gets.
00:30:46.880 --> 00:30:49.920
So he knows what to do and he just does it.
00:30:50.400 --> 00:30:57.039
Yeah, and there's this there's this beauty of building that anticipation, building the environment.
00:30:57.279 --> 00:31:01.839
I mean, right now there's a bunch of people with notepads, like just taking notes, which I think is.
00:31:04.240 --> 00:31:10.480
Part of this is creating the space for true sexual exploration and joy together, right?
00:31:11.200 --> 00:31:13.039
You set the stage.
00:31:13.440 --> 00:31:16.319
He gets the anticipation, he's definitely going to be ready.
00:31:16.400 --> 00:31:18.559
You get to let go of all the other things.
00:31:18.720 --> 00:31:20.480
The anticipation builds.
00:31:20.880 --> 00:31:25.440
It's also you've created an like there's nothing better than creating an environment.
00:31:26.079 --> 00:31:41.680
I remember I was in a relationship with somebody who um had a really stressful, she had a really high-profile job, and like she had family stuff, and there she had been divorced, and there were exchanges with kids and all of this stuff going on in the world.
00:31:41.920 --> 00:31:49.839
She needed to walk in the door and have a whole place a little dimmer, a little like warmer, candlelight, things laid out.
00:31:50.160 --> 00:31:51.759
Uh leading to the room.
00:31:51.920 --> 00:32:01.839
The room was special, and these spaces designed for pleasure, and then not applying the pressure of like this is what has to happen.
00:32:02.079 --> 00:32:07.599
And you'll end up with way more than you ever anticipated happening, usually, because it's like that's when the joy happens.
00:32:08.000 --> 00:32:09.119
Yes, exactly.
00:32:09.279 --> 00:32:10.160
It it really is.
00:32:10.240 --> 00:32:10.559
I know.
00:32:10.720 --> 00:32:13.519
That lover space is so delightful.
00:32:13.920 --> 00:32:16.960
So then the next step is erotic vigilance.
00:32:17.200 --> 00:32:17.519
Yes.
00:32:17.839 --> 00:32:19.039
Let's talk about the E.
00:32:19.519 --> 00:32:35.359
Yeah, this is so interesting because I was recently on a women's a women's like pleasure and embodiment summit with a bunch of sex educators, and it was the woman who put on the summit, she she she picked all my favorite people.
00:32:35.599 --> 00:32:51.519
And I listened to all of the things that they were talking to about women, and they were giving all these great ways to become more embodied, to get, you know, to get over shame, to feel good about yourself, to relax, to, you know, get in the headspace of lovemaking.
00:32:51.759 --> 00:32:54.960
And I thought to myself, these are all really good things.
00:32:55.279 --> 00:32:58.480
What could their male-bodied partner do?
00:32:59.200 --> 00:33:02.640
Or any partner, what could their partner do to help them?
00:33:02.720 --> 00:33:10.480
When they're going through all this healing of the shame and the repression that's happened to pretty much anybody who's lived in our world, you can't escape it.
00:33:10.640 --> 00:33:12.160
You're we're swimming in it.
00:33:12.400 --> 00:33:13.680
What could he do?
00:33:13.920 --> 00:33:29.279
Because what I really like to do often is help men support their women in their sexual growth and healing by providing encouragement and worshiping them and ta taking some of the load and making smaller offers and all this kind of thing.
00:33:29.440 --> 00:33:34.720
And the small offers is actually a part of a program that I publish.
00:33:34.960 --> 00:33:40.720
So the 44 books and programs, I've written 34 of them, and I'm working on my 35th right now.
00:33:40.880 --> 00:33:46.400
But ten of them are the work of my mentors whose lineages I carry on, like the Expanded Orgasm Practice.
00:33:46.640 --> 00:33:47.440
And Dr.
00:33:47.599 --> 00:33:50.559
Patty wrote me a program called Seduction Trilogy.
00:33:50.799 --> 00:33:58.799
It's three books which have audiobooks that teach men the four keys to seduction with integrity.
00:33:59.039 --> 00:34:03.839
How to move your woman toward more pleasure and connection.
00:34:04.319 --> 00:34:07.839
And there are four keys to seduction.
00:34:08.239 --> 00:34:21.039
The first one is understanding how to make smaller offers, not just asking for sex, and when she says no because she's not in that head space, you take it as, you know, your failure or rejection, you get pissed, you get grumpy.
00:34:21.199 --> 00:34:28.079
This is a very, very common phenomenon in the world of men because men are raised in a shitty environment of a pecking order.
00:34:28.239 --> 00:34:29.280
They need to win.
00:34:29.440 --> 00:34:35.280
If they don't, if they're not on top, they're on the bottom, it makes them feel bad about themselves, which is why women don't speak up in the bedroom either.
00:34:35.599 --> 00:34:36.639
And all or nothing.
00:34:37.199 --> 00:34:37.920
All or nothing.
00:34:38.079 --> 00:34:38.320
Right.
00:34:38.400 --> 00:34:39.039
Yeah, exactly.
00:34:39.599 --> 00:34:40.639
Sex or nothing, right?
00:34:40.719 --> 00:34:42.159
Like exactly.
00:34:42.480 --> 00:34:43.760
So true, Michael.
00:34:44.000 --> 00:34:48.639
The second of the four keys is something called erotic vigilance.
00:34:49.360 --> 00:35:00.880
And it really helps with both partners, um, especially when partners feel embarrassed about asking to be close because they feel like they might get rejected.
00:35:01.039 --> 00:35:02.000
It goes both ways.
00:35:02.159 --> 00:35:18.639
But the erotic vigilance is something that none of the women talking to women mentioned that I wanted to teach men, which is this idea that you have to assess where your woman is in the moment that you're about to make her offers.
00:35:18.960 --> 00:35:22.320
So you can scale the offers to where she is.
00:35:22.960 --> 00:35:52.079
So an offer would be different for a woman who's in a bad mood, or you've had a fight with her, or she's upset and kind of anxious and like flighty, or she is like using food to, you know, kind of compensate for her anger and frustrations and things like that, or her sadness, um, or maybe she's in the mood for sex and she's like kind of ready to go.
00:35:52.239 --> 00:35:54.000
You've got to be able to notice that as well.
00:35:54.079 --> 00:35:55.360
You don't want to overlook that.
00:35:55.519 --> 00:36:04.719
And so the idea is to really pay attention to where your woman is so that the offers you make are the right-sized offers.
00:36:05.280 --> 00:36:08.639
Having a repertoire of options that you can provide.
00:36:08.800 --> 00:36:21.360
And one of the things that I give away to teach people how to have good offers and to give them examples of right-sized offers is at more sexmoreoften.com.
00:36:21.440 --> 00:36:30.639
That's a free download that shows you what kinds of offers we're talking about so that you can leverage this erotic vigilance and just really tune into her.
00:36:31.039 --> 00:36:33.039
Talk about soulmate embrace.
00:36:33.280 --> 00:36:33.920
Yeah.
00:36:34.400 --> 00:36:34.880
Yeah.
00:36:35.119 --> 00:36:36.960
So that's the S.
00:36:37.199 --> 00:36:44.480
One of the biggest issues as that we've talked about is women's arousal ladder is kind of this heavy lift in the beginning.
00:36:44.639 --> 00:36:46.800
She's got to get out of her mind and into her body.
00:36:46.960 --> 00:36:49.920
She's estrogen dominant, not testosterone dominant.
00:36:50.159 --> 00:36:53.679
So she is really multitasking.
00:36:53.760 --> 00:36:58.159
She's always got her her eyes are like 360 peripheral vision.
00:36:58.320 --> 00:37:00.239
She's doesn't walk in the world safely.
00:37:00.559 --> 00:37:01.920
We've learned that now.
00:37:02.159 --> 00:37:05.440
Women do not feel safe in our society at all anymore.
00:37:05.920 --> 00:37:17.360
Well, I I think I I don't mean to cut in, but I do want to make this point because I think I don't think men, going back to the communication part of this, have most men don't realize how unsafe women feel regularly.
00:37:17.760 --> 00:37:18.400
They're starting to.
00:37:18.880 --> 00:37:20.880
Unless you've really had that conversation.
00:37:22.000 --> 00:37:26.559
I also think being a dad of daughters gives you a different perspective.
00:37:26.960 --> 00:37:27.119
Yeah.
00:37:27.519 --> 00:37:41.360
But I think until you really realize or listen to how much women go through on a daily basis, you don't understand that fear level and that constant engagement and worry and hypervigilance that's just necessary in our world.
00:37:42.079 --> 00:37:42.559
Exactly.
00:37:42.800 --> 00:37:48.880
So that hypervigilance is what we need you to attenuate as our lovers.
00:37:49.199 --> 00:37:59.599
And the very best way to do that is to offer and to learn how to do a holding technique that I call the soulmate embrace.
00:37:59.840 --> 00:38:07.920
And this is really a way that women have been dying to be held their whole lives and weren't really even aware it was possible.
00:38:08.159 --> 00:38:39.760
It is also a way of holding a woman that gives a man a real confidence boost because he's providing that safety and security of his physical body, holding this woman in and allowing her to just slow her heart rate and to, you know, calm her nervous system, to speak anything out that uh she wishes she could say and needs to get off her chest before she can kind of let go of it, process things.
00:38:39.920 --> 00:38:41.760
And he's just there to listen and hold her.
00:38:41.920 --> 00:38:43.199
He doesn't need to fix it.
00:38:43.360 --> 00:38:46.719
He's just wit he's a witness to her frustrations.
00:38:46.880 --> 00:38:51.280
She can let them go that way and get them out instead of stuffing them and they're still existing in there.
00:38:51.679 --> 00:38:53.440
And then he doesn't let go.
00:38:54.000 --> 00:39:05.119
And there's a certain position you hold her in, a very you know, a very certain way of holding and how to use your hands slowly over time as she starts to soften and let go.
00:39:05.519 --> 00:39:17.119
At first, many women tell me that when they start this practice of the soulmate embrace, it's like they have fight, fright sensations.
00:39:17.679 --> 00:39:31.280
One woman described it as sewing machine legs, where she was had like restless legs, like she couldn't settle for the first three or four times her husband held her this way because she was just go, go, go, go, go, go, go all the time.
00:39:31.599 --> 00:39:33.440
And she couldn't relax.
00:39:33.840 --> 00:39:52.000
And they practiced and practiced, and now she told me that she pretty much wants to be held like this every day, that often it's what they do, not even before lovemaking, but just like on the sofa, jump in bed for 10 minutes, just when she needs that connection.
00:39:52.159 --> 00:39:56.159
So I really love for people to download that little PDF.
00:39:56.320 --> 00:39:56.800
It's funny.
00:39:56.880 --> 00:40:06.880
I I didn't realize how many links I was gonna give you today, but I will I really like to give people the links because there's gonna be something in this flesh framework that they're gonna be like, that's the thing I want to do.
00:40:08.239 --> 00:40:08.719
We want them all.
00:40:09.039 --> 00:40:09.360
Thank you.
00:40:09.519 --> 00:40:09.840
Thank you.
00:40:09.920 --> 00:40:11.519
And I do have so much free content.
00:40:11.599 --> 00:40:17.840
I really you know, you can tell I'm here to heal the world if possible.
00:40:18.159 --> 00:40:19.360
So the Solomon.
00:40:20.239 --> 00:40:28.480
If people had more sex, yeah, good sex, yeah, it would heal the world because it is kind of divinely healing, and I think we underestimate that.
00:40:28.800 --> 00:40:40.400
And I think it's really healing for men when they do it right, as opposed to trying to take it, earn it, and create it and shape it, the world is better that way.
00:40:40.719 --> 00:40:41.039
Yes.
00:40:41.199 --> 00:40:44.239
Oh, Michael, I sure would like you to hold me in your arms.
00:40:44.880 --> 00:40:46.079
That would be nice.
00:40:46.320 --> 00:40:48.239
You look like a good holder and hugger.
00:40:48.400 --> 00:40:50.800
Yeah, so that's at soulmateembrace.com.
00:40:51.119 --> 00:40:51.440
Perfect.
00:40:51.920 --> 00:40:53.360
You don't mind that I'm flirting with you, do you?
00:40:53.599 --> 00:41:00.320
No, but listen, I I am a voracious flirt.
00:41:00.400 --> 00:41:00.800
I love it.
00:41:00.880 --> 00:41:05.440
I think um listen, life without passion wouldn't be much of a life at all.
00:41:05.599 --> 00:41:07.039
So by all means.
00:41:07.280 --> 00:41:11.599
But that brings us to the H, which is heat, right?
00:41:12.639 --> 00:41:16.320
So you gotta end on the high note, yeah, hot note, right?
00:41:16.559 --> 00:41:17.039
Exactly.
00:41:17.199 --> 00:41:18.800
And heat is okay.
00:41:18.960 --> 00:41:23.920
We talked about trust and safety, and we talked about novelty and variety.
00:41:24.159 --> 00:41:27.679
The first four things cement that trust and safety, right?
00:41:27.840 --> 00:41:34.400
You can say what you want, you can get things off your chest, you have time to get aroused, you're willing to try, you're lifting the burden.
00:41:34.559 --> 00:41:36.639
All of those things were really trust and safety.
00:41:36.800 --> 00:41:45.440
So now, what do you once you develop that foundation, how do you get sex to get hotter and hotter and hotter and hotter and hotter together?
00:41:46.400 --> 00:41:47.519
And it does.
00:41:47.679 --> 00:42:02.719
I mean, trust me, when you start to learn new things together, which is what heat is, it's essentially a sex life bucket list where you have a bunch of ideas of new things you want to do.
00:42:02.880 --> 00:42:09.920
As a matter of fact, I just handed my husband a new vibrator that I want to try, and it's got three different vibrations in it.
00:42:10.000 --> 00:42:16.719
One of them is a vibrating head, one is a vibrating handle, and then there's this little tail that comes off of it that vibrates too.
00:42:17.039 --> 00:42:26.239
And I'm like, I figured out how to turn it on, let me show it to you, because I will forget in my turn-on theta brainwave state, you gotta operate the machinery for me, Daddy.
00:42:26.559 --> 00:42:29.039
And I want you to play with me with this today.
00:42:29.199 --> 00:42:30.639
Let's just play with this.
00:42:30.960 --> 00:42:32.400
And he's like, Okay, cool, this sounds fun.
00:42:32.559 --> 00:42:36.800
I'm like, and don't forget, I want to do that fucking vibrator this week, too.
00:42:37.119 --> 00:43:01.360
Uh, there's this fantastic vibrator that's used for intercourse where it's um a little vibrator that it's it actually lays on the mons above her clitoris and taps right onto the clitoral shaft and the clitoral tip, but it leaves the vagina open for intercourse, and then he gets and it comes either with a harness or this little silicone pad that holds it right on, it's hands-free.
00:43:01.760 --> 00:43:10.239
And he gets this little ring with a little magnet on it that he r puts down at the base of the shaft of his penis, and it's a proximity sensor.
00:43:10.400 --> 00:43:21.039
So while he's making love with her, as he gets closer and deeper inside her, it ext the vibrator goes, and then as he pulls out, it slows down a little bit.
00:43:24.400 --> 00:43:24.960
Like that.
00:43:25.199 --> 00:43:35.360
And that toggles her sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system in a way that makes her intensity and number of orgasms increase during lovemaking.
00:43:35.519 --> 00:43:45.519
It's really good for people who haven't had orgasms from intercourse and want that bridge to train their neural pathways to having orgasms from a penis or a toy inside them.
00:43:45.760 --> 00:43:49.440
But it's also just a really fun lovemaking date toy.
00:43:49.519 --> 00:43:58.159
And so, toys, positions, techniques, you can learn the 20s, you can teach yourselves the 20 kinds of orgasms.
00:43:58.719 --> 00:44:00.719
I mean, there's so Play.
00:44:00.800 --> 00:44:09.679
You can try some of the regenerative things like PT141 peptides and you know aphrodisiacs and all these kinds of things.
00:44:09.760 --> 00:44:18.079
You can you can do penis and vulva pumping to res re you know rejuvenate atrophy and restore your pleasure.
00:44:18.239 --> 00:44:27.440
And so what I did was I created 48 what I like to call erotic play dates because I think if you ask for sex, it's like, oh, we're gonna do that thing he always does.
00:44:27.599 --> 00:44:40.880
But if you ask to set time where you're gonna create the lover space for an erotic play date and you have your sex life bucket list, then you have all these great things you might want to try.
00:44:41.119 --> 00:44:56.960
And the Sex Life Bucket list, it's it's at sexlifucket list.com, of course, and it you print out the PDF and you watch my video together, it's free, and I go through, you you mark each one of the 48 erotic play dates with an A, a B, or a C.
00:44:57.440 --> 00:45:01.599
So you write, you know, you might choose these as A's, and I would choose these as A's.
00:45:01.760 --> 00:45:05.519
I would have some B's which are, well, if you, Michael, if you wanted to do it, I would totally do it with you.
00:45:05.599 --> 00:45:09.039
It's just not on my A list, but I'm game, I'm down, you know.
00:45:09.360 --> 00:45:12.320
And C's are, it's not for me right now.
00:45:12.559 --> 00:45:14.559
Because never say never.
00:45:14.719 --> 00:45:19.920
The more confidence you gain, the things you used to look at and go, I don't even get why anybody does that.
00:45:20.000 --> 00:45:23.360
Now you're like, oh, this is what my fantasies are thinking about now.
00:45:23.519 --> 00:45:24.960
It's like totally turning me on now.
00:45:25.039 --> 00:45:25.840
I want to try it.
00:45:26.000 --> 00:45:36.880
So once you have your A list, you merge it, and now you've got your your plan for your erotic play dates, and you can go, is there one you want to do on Thursday, or do you want to just see what we feel like?
00:45:37.039 --> 00:45:40.000
Oh no, I definitely want to do blah blah blah on Thursday.
00:45:40.159 --> 00:45:40.400
Okay.
00:45:40.559 --> 00:45:42.079
You get there on Thursday and you're like, you know what?
00:45:42.159 --> 00:45:42.719
I changed my mind.
00:45:42.800 --> 00:45:43.679
That's not the one I want to do.
00:45:43.760 --> 00:45:44.559
I want to do a different one.
00:45:44.719 --> 00:45:45.039
Okay.
00:45:45.440 --> 00:45:46.880
Like, they're all A's.
00:45:47.039 --> 00:45:47.840
It doesn't matter to me.
00:45:47.920 --> 00:45:49.519
We'll just go where mommy wants to go.
00:45:49.679 --> 00:45:52.800
And it could be Daddy that wants to go someplace, and mommy's the flexible one.
00:45:52.880 --> 00:45:57.679
I'm just for me and my world, this is what has worked as my dynamic.
00:45:57.920 --> 00:46:00.239
Your mileage may vary, you do, you boo.
00:46:00.400 --> 00:46:10.880
But I think the sex life bucket list, if you have one of those now, you've got the foundation of safety plus the novelty and variety for that upward pleasure spiral.
00:46:11.039 --> 00:46:11.440
Boom.
00:46:11.840 --> 00:46:18.400
Susan, what is the thing you wish people would ask you that they don't normally, or maybe aren't brave enough to usually?
00:46:18.719 --> 00:46:19.920
People ask me everything.
00:46:20.559 --> 00:46:32.000
So I one of the things that I do is I have a newsletter at betterlover.com, and I say I explain to people that their questions are what made me good at what I do.
00:46:32.159 --> 00:46:38.079
And I've been I don't I'm not a therapist, I don't sit in an office and meet with people or do Zoomies or anything like that.
00:46:38.239 --> 00:46:41.679
I'm a I'm an author of passionate love making techniques.
00:46:41.840 --> 00:47:00.079
And so when people ask me questions, they usually just reply to my email, it goes right to my inbox, and I I give them a thoughtful and considered answer that almost always comes from articles I've written in another e-book, watch this video, or sometimes I have to be like, tell me more, explain this to me.
00:47:00.400 --> 00:47:03.840
And when they explain it to me, I'm like, oh, okay, I see what you're saying, right, okay.
00:47:04.000 --> 00:47:08.480
And they're usually nine times out of ten, they are simple things.
00:47:08.639 --> 00:47:15.199
They think they're the only one who has this issue, and it's super common, and they think there's something weird about them.
00:47:15.360 --> 00:47:18.639
That's the majority of what I get, is very, very easy.
00:47:18.800 --> 00:47:21.440
Every once in a while, I get something that's a little harder.
00:47:21.840 --> 00:47:26.880
Complex medical issues, um long-seated anger.
00:47:27.039 --> 00:47:37.519
And those are things where often I have to say, you actually need to go to a urologist, babe, or you need to go, you need a sexologist or a sex therapist to unwind this.
00:47:37.599 --> 00:47:40.000
This is trauma we're talking about.
00:47:40.320 --> 00:47:42.880
I do the pleasure piece of it.
00:47:43.039 --> 00:47:49.920
And one of the nice things though is that, and I'll I'll leave you with this, and that is that everybody's got trauma.
00:47:50.159 --> 00:47:56.880
And the way that you change your course and move through trauma, trauma is trauma is like sex techniques.
00:47:57.119 --> 00:48:01.920
Whatever you need to, whatever your intuition tells you is the thing that will help you the most.
00:48:02.239 --> 00:48:11.119
Somatic experience technique, um, EMDR, talk therapy, a hands-on dachini to give you G-spot de armoring.
00:48:11.199 --> 00:48:16.960
You know, there's a million modalities for therapeutic momentum and processing.
00:48:17.199 --> 00:48:18.400
Just do what's right.
00:48:18.480 --> 00:48:23.039
At the same time, speak out what has not been working.
00:48:23.199 --> 00:48:25.760
Share it with your friends, share it with your love.
00:48:26.079 --> 00:48:32.800
You know, really voice what went wrong and how you were hurt because you need to be witnessed for it.
00:48:32.960 --> 00:48:39.440
Because until you explain it, you can't come, you can't fully understand it in a way that you can remedy.
00:48:39.920 --> 00:48:46.320
The third piece is where I come in, which is, and a lot of times talk therapy is the witnessing piece, right?
00:48:46.480 --> 00:48:50.559
A safe place to really say what happened to you, like sexual assault and things like that.
00:48:50.719 --> 00:48:54.079
They need to be in a safe space by someone who knows how to handle it.
00:48:54.239 --> 00:49:15.039
But the third piece is where I come in, which is where you rewrite the story of who you are sexually by learning the communication skills, learning the techniques, getting over the shame and discovering the amazing capacity, the orgasmic, intimate capacity your body has, and how good that feels and how cleansing and healing that is.
00:49:15.199 --> 00:49:20.719
So that's really the kind of the thing that I'd like to leave people with is that you can do these all concurrently.
00:49:20.960 --> 00:49:23.440
You can have trauma and have a sex life bucket list.
00:49:23.519 --> 00:49:26.480
As a matter of fact, that supports your healing and growth.
00:49:26.639 --> 00:49:28.480
So these things work well together.
00:49:29.199 --> 00:49:31.440
Let me ask you these final questions.
00:49:31.599 --> 00:49:34.800
I'm very fascinated by this because I I think that's so important.
00:49:34.960 --> 00:49:45.440
I think a big part of the pressure people feel is the thing that they are ashamed of or the shame they've been carrying for years, or a bad experience they had.
00:49:45.599 --> 00:49:45.679
Yeah.
00:49:46.000 --> 00:49:53.280
Usually with somebody who didn't take care of them and treat them properly and communicate properly, that now that they're worried about.
00:49:53.599 --> 00:50:18.079
Because part of this conversation allows you to move through that and again, drop some of the defenses, figure out is this is there a medical reason, is there a biological reason, is it a trauma reason, whatever it is, let's start to work through those things so that we can start to move them not necessarily out, but to the side where they're safe, so that we can start moving past them and through them.
00:50:18.639 --> 00:50:26.239
For you, at this stage of your career, first, I think I heard you say one time that you're a nerdy girl who likes hot sex.
00:50:26.320 --> 00:50:29.840
Is that is that your right and a science spot for science?
00:50:32.239 --> 00:50:34.079
Those are wonderful descriptors.
00:50:34.239 --> 00:50:37.519
I usually ask people what are the three words that describe them.
00:50:37.920 --> 00:50:38.400
There you go.
00:50:38.719 --> 00:50:43.039
So if you were gonna break you down into like three key words, what would they be?
00:50:43.440 --> 00:50:45.280
Intimacy, powers, longevity.
00:50:45.519 --> 00:50:46.639
Oh, beautiful.
00:50:46.960 --> 00:50:51.599
And then how do you define success at this point, Susan, after all this time?
00:50:52.400 --> 00:50:55.119
Uh the joy in my heart from helping people.
00:50:55.440 --> 00:50:58.800
My heart is full of love from the people who I've helped.
00:50:59.599 --> 00:51:02.079
Okay, and then what's the legacy you want them to take?
00:51:02.639 --> 00:51:08.800
Oh, God, just to uh uh feel good about their sexuality and to live a long, healthy, happy life.
00:51:10.400 --> 00:51:16.400
You are such a you're bright and light and kind of effervescent in this.
00:51:17.599 --> 00:51:25.360
There's a beauty in embracing both your sexuality but just your willingness to share and be open and help people heal.
00:51:26.239 --> 00:51:29.360
Obviously, there's some taboo parts of this to other people.
00:51:30.000 --> 00:51:35.440
Can you speak to the part where it's like, no, this isn't taboo and it's not something you should be ashamed about.
00:51:35.519 --> 00:51:37.920
This is purpose and it's beautiful.
00:51:38.400 --> 00:51:54.480
Once you turn that corner of fully enjoying the pleasure and being able to sustain being in pleasure and not feeling ashamed about that pleasure, um, that it grows and grows and grows exponentially, just like learning how to love.
00:51:54.639 --> 00:51:56.639
Your heart is a muscle and a door.
00:51:57.119 --> 00:52:00.960
It's a muscle because the more you love, the better you get at loving.
00:52:01.119 --> 00:52:07.840
And I'm such a better lover now, and not bisexually, but just by like loving people.
00:52:08.320 --> 00:52:15.760
And it was probably not even until I was in my 50s where I really started getting good at loving and expanding my heart.
00:52:16.000 --> 00:52:23.039
And I know for many people, the heart, because it's a muscle and a door, that door slams shut sometimes and it really hurts.
00:52:23.280 --> 00:52:27.440
But it doesn't mean you should open it, should not open it back up and love again.
00:52:27.599 --> 00:52:29.360
So it's the same kind of thing.
00:52:29.519 --> 00:52:30.159
Practice.
00:52:30.320 --> 00:52:35.199
One key takeaway from this entire segment with Michael is practice.
00:52:35.360 --> 00:52:36.480
Just pick some things.
00:52:36.719 --> 00:52:39.760
Pick what called to you and practice it.
00:52:40.079 --> 00:52:41.440
Thank you for opening your heart.
00:52:41.599 --> 00:52:43.599
Thank you for being on A Lighthouse in the Dark.
00:52:43.840 --> 00:52:44.880
Such a pleasure, Susan.
00:52:45.119 --> 00:52:46.079
I loved it, Michael.
00:52:46.239 --> 00:52:47.280
Thank you so much.
00:52:47.440 --> 00:52:48.719
It was great to be with you.
00:00:00.880 --> 00:00:01.760
Welcome back.
00:00:01.919 --> 00:00:04.639
Today I have the most amazing guest.
00:00:05.040 --> 00:00:08.480
She is known as the intimacy expert to millions.
00:00:08.800 --> 00:00:14.000
We're going to dive into everything that is pleasure, passion, connection, safety.
00:00:14.320 --> 00:00:18.320
She's a speaker, one of the most prolific authors.
00:00:18.480 --> 00:00:24.960
She has courses to help people guide them into a better, deeper, more connected sex life.
00:00:25.199 --> 00:00:28.320
And her knowledge and passion is beyond compare.
00:00:28.399 --> 00:00:30.160
So welcome to a lighthouse in the dark.
00:00:30.399 --> 00:00:31.120
Susan Bratton.
00:00:31.359 --> 00:00:31.600
Welcome.
00:00:31.920 --> 00:00:34.640
Michael, I love the name of your show, Lighthouse in the Dark.
00:00:34.719 --> 00:00:35.359
It's so funny.
00:00:35.520 --> 00:00:43.920
I I have been working on an acceptance speech because I plan for success and I am up against some tough competition.
00:00:44.079 --> 00:00:47.759
But um I've been nominated for Sex Educator of the Year.
00:00:48.000 --> 00:00:50.159
And so I'm like, well, I'm the GOAT.
00:00:50.320 --> 00:00:51.200
Maybe I'll win.
00:00:51.840 --> 00:01:11.760
And um uh so I've been working on the the acceptance speech, and a part of it is how sex educators are uh lighting the the darkest part of our lives through our education, and that we are not necessarily it's not a career, it's a devotion.
00:01:12.319 --> 00:01:24.799
And I really feel like what I do is a devotional practice to healing the wounds of shame and the fear that comes from a lack of knowledge and information, which is censorship and suppression.
00:01:24.959 --> 00:01:34.319
And so I just love when shows like yours, who are very heartfelt and growth-oriented, that's kind of my people.
00:01:35.120 --> 00:01:38.879
Because most people just give up on their sex lives.
00:01:38.959 --> 00:01:47.120
They think sex is intercourse and that's all it is, and they don't know how to talk about it, and they're it's a you know, it's a very repetitive kind of a thing.
00:01:47.280 --> 00:01:49.760
Well, that's actually procreation, not love making.
00:01:49.920 --> 00:02:01.120
And so writing hundreds of techniques and bedroom communication skills and what I would have called intimate wellness, but now I'm actually calling regenerative intimacy.
00:02:01.680 --> 00:02:17.039
Because that even expands the benefits of fighting for your sex life till the day you die, where you want to be on an upward pleasure spiral where sex keeps getting better and better over time instead of swirling down the toilet like most people.
00:02:18.080 --> 00:02:21.680
And it keeps you younger, healthier, and happier longer.
00:02:21.759 --> 00:02:24.879
It literally adds years of health and happiness to your life.
00:02:25.039 --> 00:02:39.919
And so this repression and suppression that we're under is actually in kind of enslaving us to shopping, consuming televisions, consuming social media rather than having intimate pleasure with our partners.
00:02:40.000 --> 00:02:49.680
And the more I can do to find my people like your audience, which is expansive, open to growth.
00:02:49.840 --> 00:03:00.719
That's the mindset it takes to be one of those people who's like, sex is as good for you as like your nutrition, your weight-bearing exercises, and your sleep recovery?
00:03:00.879 --> 00:03:03.199
Whoa, tell me the science behind that.
00:03:03.360 --> 00:03:06.719
That's landing for people in a way that it never has.
00:03:06.879 --> 00:03:08.319
So thank you for having me.
00:03:08.719 --> 00:03:09.680
Yeah, I'm thrilled.
00:03:09.759 --> 00:03:12.560
I this is you actually kind of touched on something.
00:03:12.800 --> 00:03:19.199
I think people see you now and they make the assumption that you were always this person or that sex was always easy for you.
00:03:20.080 --> 00:03:23.840
And that can't be further from the truth from what I what I've done research.
00:03:24.159 --> 00:03:26.479
Tell me about how you got into this.
00:03:26.560 --> 00:03:32.319
Let's let's talk about you a little before we really dive into all the details of how to help everybody else.
00:03:32.479 --> 00:03:33.680
Let's talk about you for a moment.
00:03:33.840 --> 00:03:36.000
How did you become this version of you?
00:03:36.400 --> 00:03:36.960
Yeah.
00:03:37.199 --> 00:03:39.280
Um, a couple of a couple of things.
00:03:39.520 --> 00:03:44.400
One, I always wanted to have good sex, and it felt very elusive to me.
00:03:44.800 --> 00:03:51.759
By the time I was in my early 30s and I met my husband, we had pretty good sexual connection, and I thought, oh, this is great.
00:03:51.919 --> 00:03:58.639
Not only is he so brilliant and so kind and loving, and he loves my ambition.
00:03:58.800 --> 00:04:07.039
He doesn't try to oppress me, he's the wind beneath my wings, and he he's great in bed with me.
00:04:07.520 --> 00:04:13.680
But uh but the pro I married him, and the problem was that we were the blind leading the blind behind closed doors.
00:04:13.919 --> 00:04:14.719
It's the dark.
00:04:14.879 --> 00:04:22.240
That's the darkness, those bedrooms all across the world where nobody knows nothing except the most basic things and everything we see.
00:04:22.399 --> 00:04:27.920
It and not as much 30 years ago or 20 years ago, 25 years ago about now for us.
00:04:28.319 --> 00:04:35.519
But that was the kind of the beginning of the pornography area, but era, but now it's like everything is degrading to women.
00:04:35.600 --> 00:04:40.480
I j I mean like the choking and the all this disgusting stuff, you know?
00:04:40.800 --> 00:04:44.720
And more and more extreme we're scenarios and exactly.
00:04:44.959 --> 00:05:03.199
I will say this as somebody who grew up in film and television is I think we've done a disservice to the world because we've perverted what sex looks like, partially because in film and television we're on the clock, and there's a used to be called censorship in in when I first started, now it's standards and practices.
00:05:03.360 --> 00:05:20.240
Somebody stands over there and it's like a little too much side boob, a little a little too much uh friction, like we need you to space that now with intimacy coordinators, it's even more, and then it's like, okay, this has to all happen in 30 seconds in this film or this television project, which gives everybody the wrong idea about intimacy.
00:05:20.800 --> 00:05:21.040
Exactly.
00:05:21.199 --> 00:05:30.079
Movies and TV are just porn light, but w we never see any examples of female-led pleasure.
00:05:30.240 --> 00:05:46.000
When the woman, when the female body gets the arousal that she needs, the time and attention, the trust and safety, the novelty and the variety, and she opens to her pleasure, th her male partner is happier than he's ever been.
00:05:46.160 --> 00:05:52.000
What he wants most is to give us incredible pleasure, but we're all in the dark because of the censorship.
00:05:52.160 --> 00:06:04.000
So one of the great things in an and why I appreciate so much being invited on your show is not just the mindset of your audience, but the opportunity for us to have a fully uncensored conversation.
00:06:04.160 --> 00:06:05.920
I don't know how long it's gonna last, Michael.
00:06:06.240 --> 00:06:12.079
I don't know because they're turning the screws on censorship today in our government and across the big social platforms.
00:06:12.240 --> 00:06:13.920
The screws are screwing.
00:06:14.399 --> 00:06:16.720
Oh yeah, chatter banning, getting restricted.
00:06:17.279 --> 00:06:18.639
It's all happening currently.
00:06:18.720 --> 00:06:27.680
I'm doing everything fitted, as are you, and like we have to have these conversations because they're the things that keep people free and people open and people able to grow.
00:06:28.000 --> 00:06:28.480
Yes.
00:06:28.720 --> 00:06:33.519
So what happened with my husband and I was that I I really never had an orgasm from intercourse.
00:06:33.680 --> 00:06:37.040
I didn't know how to do it, and I thought that it was just me.
00:06:37.199 --> 00:06:38.240
I just thought I couldn't do it.
00:06:38.399 --> 00:06:43.199
And my husband was like, Well, you know, I still want to have intercourse, like that's what we're doing when we're married.
00:06:43.279 --> 00:06:51.759
And I dutifully had intercourse with him and tried to get what I could out of it for over a decade, and I just was avoiding him for sex.
00:06:51.920 --> 00:06:54.399
I was I was doing mercy sex and duty booty.
00:06:55.199 --> 00:07:07.120
And I think a lot of people, as I say those words, us often female-bodied partners, because it's not men's fault, it's just that we're stuck in this paradigm that we're trying to get out of, which is very repressive.
00:07:07.519 --> 00:07:28.560
We just don't see heart-connected, passionate, conscious, fully present love-making, super hot, connected sex that leads us to co-creative, ecstatic bliss that doesn't just prioritize intercourse, it teaches us how to become massively multi-orgasmic from intercourse.
00:07:28.800 --> 00:07:38.399
It teaches men that they can have as many different kinds of orgasms as women can, and that it's unlimited, but there are more than 20 kinds of orgasms the human body can have.
00:07:38.560 --> 00:07:45.199
And so when I when a sex expert gets up on a stage and says, Hey, if you can't have an orgasm from intercore, don't worry about it.
00:07:45.279 --> 00:07:47.040
It's just nice to be close to your husband.
00:07:47.120 --> 00:07:49.120
I'm like, bitch, try that for 10 years.
00:07:49.199 --> 00:07:51.040
It just gets old.
00:07:51.360 --> 00:07:54.000
So we ended up seeing therapists.
00:07:54.079 --> 00:07:56.399
They didn't, they couldn't really tell us what to do.
00:07:56.639 --> 00:08:12.800
Now, decades later, we have sexologists, we have sex therapists, we have ASEC, we have the Science Sexual Health Alliance, we have an educational infrastructure that's churning out incredible educators.
00:08:12.959 --> 00:08:14.720
But we didn't have that back then.
00:08:14.879 --> 00:08:25.839
We had marriage therapists, and they were, they had, it was like the doctors of today who literally go to medical school, and the textbooks don't even have accurate genital anatomy for women in them.
00:08:26.000 --> 00:08:33.279
So we're still in this weird phase where we have the rise of porn, the textbooks are still raw, you know, like it's a new purpose.
00:08:33.679 --> 00:08:35.759
The anatomy hasn't even really been mapped.
00:08:35.840 --> 00:08:40.879
I mean, we we can talk about how the anatomy works and even the numbers that we use.
00:08:41.039 --> 00:08:47.039
Like they say for women there's 8,000 nerve endings, but that study isn't even based on humans, right?
00:08:47.279 --> 00:08:48.000
It's on pigs, right?
00:08:49.120 --> 00:08:49.200
Yeah.
00:08:49.440 --> 00:08:56.000
Yeah, now we do know it because of nerve-sparing um uh genital surgeries for trans folk.
00:08:56.480 --> 00:08:59.200
Uh it's 10,000 now, roughly 10,000.
00:08:59.360 --> 00:09:02.399
So highly enervated member of our body.
00:09:02.559 --> 00:09:08.480
But what's interesting is that people are still really focused on the tip of the clitoris, like you've got to touch the tip of the clitoris if you want to have an orgasm.
00:09:08.559 --> 00:09:09.519
I'm like, no.
00:09:09.919 --> 00:09:18.320
The clitoris is literally three different erectile tissue structures that the spongy tissue in them is as much as is in our male partner's penises.
00:09:18.799 --> 00:09:26.720
And you know how that goes from just a little thumb, especially if it's cold, to a impressive staff, a man canon.
00:09:26.879 --> 00:09:40.480
Well, that's exactly what's inside our female bodies, but we women don't even know that it takes us 20 minutes versus the two minutes of our partner to get fully engorged and to get our lady erections, our clitoral erections.
00:09:40.879 --> 00:09:46.480
But they're really clitoral urethral perineal sponges that wrap around the vaginal pocket.
00:09:46.879 --> 00:09:57.200
And women hardly ever get enough arousal you know, things that they need to get aroused and get that tissue filled up.
00:09:57.679 --> 00:10:00.399
Sex is over before they even get there.
00:10:00.559 --> 00:10:13.440
And so you wonder why a woman like me ends up thinking that maybe I need you know that my husband wants to divorce me because I can't have an orgasm from intercourse, so I don't want sex, and sex is only integral.
00:10:13.679 --> 00:10:19.440
You know, it was like we were caught in that thing, and I know of so many people who have been caught in that whole thing.
00:10:19.919 --> 00:10:20.639
That whole lack of things.
00:10:23.600 --> 00:10:25.200
How frustrating was that?
00:10:25.360 --> 00:10:27.919
Because you did you feel like there was something wrong with you?
00:10:28.080 --> 00:10:31.919
Did you feel like you were being cheated of the full experience?
00:10:32.080 --> 00:10:35.519
Did you did he feel like was there frustration on his part?
00:10:35.759 --> 00:10:37.440
Because all of those things I think are natural.
00:10:37.840 --> 00:10:40.639
Yeah, well, he was having an affair to get his me needs met.
00:10:40.879 --> 00:10:42.879
I was deeply ashamed of myself.
00:10:42.960 --> 00:10:44.559
We thought it was my problem.
00:10:45.039 --> 00:10:50.159
So then, Michael, we go to sex workshops because the therapist couldn't help us.
00:10:50.320 --> 00:10:52.080
And we went to our first sex workshop.
00:10:52.159 --> 00:10:54.879
It was Sex, Love, and Intimacy by the Human Awareness Institute.
00:10:54.960 --> 00:10:57.759
We did level one and it blew our frickin' minds.
00:10:57.919 --> 00:11:00.799
We went on to do pretty much all the levels of that.
00:11:00.960 --> 00:11:14.240
We went to ecstatic loving tantre workshops, we went to orgasmic meditation, we did, we started going to so many different things, but it was really amazing how quickly we realized there was nothing wrong with me.
00:11:14.559 --> 00:11:18.080
We just didn't understand the recipe for orgasmic intercourse.
00:11:18.480 --> 00:11:20.960
And so we just started doing it.
00:11:21.120 --> 00:11:25.600
We're like, oh my god, we had a renaissance, we came back together, it was incredible.
00:11:25.679 --> 00:11:31.519
And I've just celebrated my f 35th year with this man, and my sex life is better than it's ever been.
00:11:32.000 --> 00:11:36.879
And so it's really nice to know that sex can keep getting better if you get the information.
00:11:37.360 --> 00:11:40.000
The minute you learn it and apply it, it works.
00:11:40.480 --> 00:11:47.440
Human bodies are an operating system, and when you get the right inputs, there's not a darn thing wrong with any of us.
00:11:47.600 --> 00:11:49.600
We can all do all these things.
00:11:49.759 --> 00:11:51.360
It might take a little practice.
00:11:51.759 --> 00:11:54.639
You know, you try it the first time, it's okay, I see where we're going with this.
00:11:54.720 --> 00:11:56.320
The second one you're like, I'm getting more comfortable.
00:11:56.399 --> 00:11:59.440
The third time you're like, I think we're I think it's gonna happen.
00:11:59.600 --> 00:12:02.080
And then the fourth time you're like, oh my god, now I'm now I'm dead.
00:12:02.159 --> 00:12:02.960
There was nothing wrong with me.
00:12:03.039 --> 00:12:04.399
I just didn't know what I needed.
00:12:04.639 --> 00:12:41.200
So one of the things I want to give your listeners right now, before I forget, is a collection of my ten best orgasmic intercourse techniques that give not only the penis, but the vagina, the vulva, the vulvo-vaginal system, the C U V clitoral urethral vaginal system, the Yoni, Y-O-N-I, my favorite four-letter word, the tantric love-making word for the female genitals, gives that system what it needs to come because we have different, we have different arousal structures.
00:12:41.600 --> 00:12:52.320
And so uh that's at orgasmicintercourse.com and uh it gives you the ten techniques so you can try them one by one by one.
00:12:52.399 --> 00:12:59.200
And what's neat about that is that you can try anything in any order because sex techniques are a vast landscape.
00:12:59.279 --> 00:13:02.799
I've written a thousand of them, and you can jump in anywhere that appeals to you.
00:13:02.879 --> 00:13:20.240
So if you're like, oh, let's try glissando, or oh, let's try the heart tongue method, or let's try crouching tiger squatting dragon, you know, you know, once you try them, and you can start to activate all of the different areas of the Yoni, I'll just use that word.
00:13:20.320 --> 00:13:22.000
I like it, it's very reverential.
00:13:22.320 --> 00:13:28.720
Then you start having success, and then she starts coming, and now she knows there's nothing wrong with her, and then you're like, well, what about oral?
00:13:28.879 --> 00:13:29.679
Well, what about anal?
00:13:30.000 --> 00:13:30.720
What about kissing?
00:13:30.960 --> 00:13:32.000
What about breastplay?
00:13:32.159 --> 00:13:44.559
Like, we need to learn all those things, which is great, but there is one foundation piece that success rests on that is not a sex technique.
00:13:47.759 --> 00:13:51.279
Is this based on safety and like communication?
00:13:51.600 --> 00:13:52.240
Yes.
00:13:54.080 --> 00:13:55.279
Good job!
00:14:01.279 --> 00:14:12.960
But none of that happens if you can't engage the brain and like have a real conversation because the deeper conversation creates the trust and the base level for the connection that you need.
00:14:13.200 --> 00:14:16.080
We're not just robots and it's not just procreation, right?
00:14:16.480 --> 00:14:17.360
And we're different every day.
00:14:17.679 --> 00:14:20.000
Yeah, and and bodies change over time.
00:14:20.159 --> 00:14:30.399
That's the other part of part of the beauty of being with somebody long term is you get to explore and play and learn how the body is changing and change together and find new ways to please each other.
00:14:30.799 --> 00:14:31.360
Yeah.
00:14:31.679 --> 00:14:32.799
It's exactly right.
00:14:32.960 --> 00:14:53.919
And um, most women, and I'm gonna generalize here because human sexual response is a big bell curve, though the operating system works the same, though some people have found the pain pathway to pleasure versus the pleasure pathway uh generates the endorphins and things like that.
00:14:54.159 --> 00:14:56.559
It's still the same operating system.
00:14:56.879 --> 00:15:04.240
But the issue is that most generally most women think I don't know what I want, I just know what I'm getting isn't it.
00:15:04.480 --> 00:15:10.639
And if I say anything to him, he shuts down, he crashes out, he takes it as failure.
00:15:10.799 --> 00:15:14.240
So I just keep myself keep I just keep my mouth shut and put up with it.
00:15:14.399 --> 00:15:15.840
That's a recipe for disaster.
00:15:16.000 --> 00:15:47.600
That so that's why whenever I have an opportunity to tell people, the number one thing you can you must learn is how to know what you want and how to safely be able to express it to each other and to understand that you live in an animal body and it's you know has to deal with the vagaries of of female moon cycles even after menopause, it has to deal with sleep and nutrition and energy levels, mitochondrial function, you know, uh how you feel about them outside the bedroom, uh your emotional situation, are you depressed, or you know, how do you feel?
00:15:47.679 --> 00:15:50.480
You know, all these things, they really come into it.
00:15:50.639 --> 00:15:58.799
So when we can get, especially our male body partners, our men, to understand, to get hungry for your feedback, to be like, how's this, babe?
00:15:58.879 --> 00:16:05.679
Yeah, tell me more, and to encourage you to really feel into what you want.
00:16:05.919 --> 00:16:15.919
And even if you can't find the words, do your best and figure it out together, and then that encourages him to speak up for what he desires, what he wants, what'll feel good to him.
00:16:16.159 --> 00:16:17.600
That's very important too.
00:16:17.679 --> 00:16:24.559
And men, they just want to do such a good job pleasing us that they often don't get to ask for their own needs.
00:16:24.720 --> 00:16:27.440
They're still just trying to do the right thing.
00:16:27.679 --> 00:16:44.159
And when they're trying to do that without enough to go on, now they're in this kind of performative mindset, which is what creates most premature ejaculation, which affects 25% of men at every age.
00:16:44.639 --> 00:16:55.759
So that creates problems too when a man can't when he doesn't feel like he has ejaculatory choice, when he doesn't feel like he has the opportunity to last as long as you want him to, and then you're begging him to come.
00:16:56.000 --> 00:16:58.559
And so I think the communication technique is very important.
00:16:58.639 --> 00:17:06.240
And for any of your listeners who want access to that, the link to that is sexual soulmatepact, P A C T dot com.
00:17:06.880 --> 00:17:08.880
And that's like an agreement between lovers.
00:17:09.039 --> 00:17:23.279
Print it out, hand it to your partner, and begin the practice of opening and expanding your communication because after you learn that, you can move to dirty talk, saying what you see, sharing frames.
00:17:23.599 --> 00:17:29.440
There are many moaning, there are many things that open the throat in the bedroom.
00:17:29.519 --> 00:17:33.200
And the throat being open can now you can have throat chasms, right?
00:17:33.279 --> 00:17:36.319
I mean, that is a fantastic kind of an orgasm.
00:17:36.640 --> 00:17:47.599
So it's really important to find your voice in the bedroom, and this is the technique that's been handed down to me to me by one of my mentors that I think is the Sexual Soulmate Pact is the foundation.
00:17:47.759 --> 00:17:50.799
Communication is the foundation to hot sex that keeps getting better.
00:17:50.960 --> 00:17:56.000
So that's another asset for your crew if they'd like to learn the most important things.
00:17:56.559 --> 00:18:04.160
We were talking about connection, and I know all over the internet people love to talk about the five love languages.
00:18:04.400 --> 00:18:04.559
Yeah.
00:18:04.960 --> 00:18:09.920
They love to talk about like affirmation and physical touch and gifts and acts of service.
00:18:10.240 --> 00:18:17.599
You have kind of coined a new version that I think people really need to lean into, which is the five lust languages.
00:18:18.400 --> 00:18:23.359
So I'd love like the first one, fearless feedback, which is what you were kind of touching on.
00:18:23.759 --> 00:18:24.240
Yes.
00:18:24.640 --> 00:18:31.279
Let's start there, because I think sex is still taboo in so many ways.
00:18:31.519 --> 00:18:47.200
And I think so many of us grow up psychologically with this restriction or culturally or society has asked us to be very like look, there's gonna be people who are gonna have their mind blown that I'm having this conversation because they know me as like DJ on Roseanne, right?
00:18:47.279 --> 00:18:49.839
So they're gonna see the little kid having a sex conversation.
00:18:50.000 --> 00:18:56.079
Like, I got adult children and like I'm a healthy, happy person, so if if you can't handle that, you're gonna have to come along with it.
00:18:56.240 --> 00:19:01.839
But part of this is like to have fearless connection and conversation.
00:19:02.079 --> 00:19:04.640
How do you set the framework for that, Susan?
00:19:04.960 --> 00:19:07.839
By the way, Michael, you turned out so handsome.
00:19:08.240 --> 00:19:14.480
Not that you weren't, not that you weren't an adorable young man, but um God, you turned out to be a handsome guy.
00:19:14.640 --> 00:19:17.119
Like, there's no question you should be an LA actor.
00:19:17.200 --> 00:19:19.680
Uh you look like an LA actor.
00:19:19.920 --> 00:19:35.119
Um, yeah, it's funny, the five love languages, I never really liked him because not because I didn't think they were a good idea, um, but Gary Chapman was a pastor and he used it to kind of manipulate his wife and the women of his organization, and everyone saw through that and didn't like it.
00:19:35.440 --> 00:19:42.880
University of Toronto, some researchers just wrote a paper in a sexuality clinical guide.
00:19:43.119 --> 00:19:50.640
They they posted a paper that basically negated the whole construct of five love languages, and they said they're all important.
00:19:51.519 --> 00:19:56.240
And that was the thing I never liked about it was that people felt like they had to pick up like mine's words of affirmation.
00:19:56.319 --> 00:19:58.400
Oh no, mine's all the tanks.
00:19:58.559 --> 00:19:59.279
Give me them all.
00:19:59.359 --> 00:20:06.160
It's this it's I want intercourse, I want oral, I want hugging, I want kissing, I want breastplay.
00:20:06.319 --> 00:20:08.720
I want all five of the love language too.
00:20:08.799 --> 00:20:18.160
You know, like beforehand so I don't have to be stressed about stuff so I can clear my head so I can go actually focus in the bedroom.
00:20:18.480 --> 00:20:19.440
Exactly.
00:20:19.920 --> 00:20:30.640
So when I wrote up the five lust languages, what I really felt was that yes, we need to keep romancing our partners to even have desire for them.
00:20:31.039 --> 00:20:39.759
Because if you think about libido, desire and arousal, libido is your health, and when your health isn't good, your your desire for sex is just not there.
00:20:40.079 --> 00:20:44.640
Desire is how do you feel about yourself emotionally and how do you feel about your partner?
00:20:44.720 --> 00:20:47.039
And that's where the love language kind of stuff comes in.
00:20:47.119 --> 00:21:01.279
If they're really not even trying to create an experience for love making, if they're just like waiting around for you to ask for sex or whatever, because they don't want to be rejected, you know, it's a non-starter.
00:21:01.519 --> 00:21:20.079
When I wrote my five love languages, I came up with a frame, I put the five things down that I think after 20 years of teaching, passionate love making and bedroom communication skills, what are the five things that really create that foundation for a couple to get on the upward pleasure spiral where sex keeps getting better?
00:21:20.319 --> 00:21:26.240
And when I laid it all out, I was like, oh, I can spell flesh out of this as the acronym, so it's F-L-E-S-H.
00:21:26.319 --> 00:21:27.680
And I'm like, oh, I like that.
00:21:27.920 --> 00:21:33.279
So the F, the fearless feedback, is exactly what we were just talking about with the Sexual Soulmate Pact.
00:21:33.519 --> 00:21:39.519
And that is that the hungrier you are for feedback, the better your sex gets.
00:21:39.759 --> 00:21:46.240
Because one of the examples of once you can ask for what you need, your partner is like, oh yeah, totally.
00:21:46.319 --> 00:21:47.200
That sounds great.
00:21:47.359 --> 00:21:51.279
Or you you hop into bed and you're like, I don't know, we'll see if we can get there.
00:21:51.359 --> 00:21:52.480
You'll see if we can get me there.
00:21:52.559 --> 00:21:53.759
Let's see if we can get me aroused.
00:21:53.839 --> 00:21:57.039
Like, I've been so busy all day, but I am willing to give it a shot.
00:21:57.200 --> 00:21:59.759
You know, you get there and you're like, I'm kind of in the mood to do.
00:22:00.480 --> 00:22:02.000
This and this tonight.
00:22:02.160 --> 00:22:05.599
And then you start the first thing, and then you're like, no, I don't want to do that.
00:22:05.680 --> 00:22:07.119
Second thing, I want to do this instead.
00:22:07.279 --> 00:22:19.440
Like being able to have that feeling that the next moment is just a curiosity of your desire in the moment, and where do you want to go?
00:22:19.920 --> 00:22:31.039
Instead of thinking that there's this preordained train that's leaving the station when you're on it, your job is to get an erection, penetrate her, have an ejaculation, and go make a sandwich.
00:22:31.119 --> 00:22:35.200
And God, you hope she comes, you know, like that's boring.
00:22:35.279 --> 00:22:44.640
That's the monotony of monog monotony of monogamy that they talk about, where there's two, there's plenty of trust and safety, but there's really no novelty and variety.
00:22:44.720 --> 00:22:58.720
And so the sexual soulmate pact is really that whole idea of having this fearlessness around hearing anything and everything that your partner wants to say to you, because it's just about what's going on for them right now, and it makes life juicy.
00:22:58.880 --> 00:23:20.960
It's very similar to having a relationship of complete and total honesty, not withholding, sugarcoating, you know, walking on eggshells, stuffing it, all the things our culture teaches us to do, which are stupid and they give us, they destroy our emotional body.
00:23:21.359 --> 00:23:29.119
And when you move toward a commitment toward honesty together, it makes your relationships so much juicier.
00:23:29.200 --> 00:23:34.000
And you get to do the work of processing your issues together, and that matures you.
00:23:34.079 --> 00:23:38.079
And when you can bring that into the bedroom, it's even hotter.
00:23:38.480 --> 00:23:44.240
And there's a feedback portion of this that sometimes this feels really good right now.
00:23:44.400 --> 00:23:44.559
Yeah.
00:23:44.720 --> 00:23:54.720
And if that's not like as someone who writes the ingredients and the lessons of how to make the best recipe for sex, because that's something that you're known for.
00:23:56.319 --> 00:24:04.000
Anyone who's really good at making any recipe knows sometimes you've got to deviate from the recipe a little, or some days it's a little different, right?
00:24:04.799 --> 00:24:12.079
So if you have feedback, then your partner feels safe to turn to you and be like, no more of that right now, or like this is driving me crazy right now.
00:24:12.240 --> 00:24:14.640
I'm extra sensitive, please continue.
00:24:15.599 --> 00:24:20.319
As opposed to you trying to just move through the steps to get to a finish line.
00:24:20.559 --> 00:24:21.599
And that's the other part.
00:24:21.759 --> 00:24:31.039
Like people are so worried, I think, sometimes that either they're not going to finish or that it's not going to work out because they never had the conversation piece of it.
00:24:31.599 --> 00:24:34.400
If you can have the feedback, it's like I I want more of you.
00:24:34.559 --> 00:24:38.000
Nothing feels better than for somebody to tell you that they want more of you.
00:24:38.400 --> 00:24:38.880
Yes.
00:24:39.119 --> 00:24:40.000
To be wanted.
00:24:41.039 --> 00:24:42.880
If we can't have real feedback.
00:24:43.200 --> 00:24:44.799
Talk about a love space, right?
00:24:44.960 --> 00:24:47.359
Because the L in flesh is love space, right?
00:24:47.599 --> 00:24:48.799
Yeah, lover space.
00:24:49.200 --> 00:24:51.519
Um, this was taught to me by my mentor, Dr.
00:24:51.599 --> 00:24:52.720
Patty Taylor.
00:24:52.880 --> 00:24:57.920
Um, I've been teaching something called the expanded orgasm practice for decades.
00:24:58.160 --> 00:25:04.960
My husband has spent over a thousand hours stroking my clitoris with this five-stroke technique.
00:25:05.279 --> 00:25:14.559
It is the mechanism that allowed me to become orgasmic from intercourse without even touching my clitoris at all.
00:25:14.880 --> 00:25:35.519
And the what you do is you set the nest, you create the lover space so that when you're learning this practice, so that your woman can just enter the scene, take off her clothes, lie down and relax so that she doesn't have another thing to do.
00:25:35.920 --> 00:25:40.319
I need to fold that laundry before I can relax, or I need to do whatever, the bed is a mess.
00:25:40.400 --> 00:25:53.759
Or for example, just as a way to explain it, um, I went over to see my girlfriend uh l last week, and I said to my husband, because we're both busy entrepreneurs, and um I said to him, I'll be home around 7, 7, 15.
00:25:53.920 --> 00:25:54.880
Do you want to have a date?
00:25:55.039 --> 00:25:56.559
That means a love-making date.
00:25:56.720 --> 00:25:58.960
Um, that looked like a good time on your calendar.
00:25:59.119 --> 00:25:59.920
He's like, definitely.
00:26:00.160 --> 00:26:02.960
I said, Will you mind setting up the nest and I'll be home?
00:26:03.039 --> 00:26:04.240
And he's like, Of course.
00:26:04.400 --> 00:26:05.519
This is what he does.
00:26:05.680 --> 00:26:23.039
He's just learned to take that off my plate and create the conditions for my surrender to pleasure because it takes me a lot longer to shift and switch out of my active beta state and into that theta brainwave state, which is meditation and orgasm.
00:26:23.279 --> 00:26:26.079
You have to be relaxed for your arousal to climb.
00:26:26.319 --> 00:26:29.039
So taking that off my plate does two things.
00:26:29.200 --> 00:26:34.880
One, it shows me he's committed to doing something that allows me to surrender to my pleasure.
00:26:35.039 --> 00:26:39.839
He's taken it off my plate, he's got it handled, he's showing masculine sexual leadership.
00:26:40.000 --> 00:26:49.279
And essentially what that looks like for us, and your mileage may vary, is he in our bedroom, which is gorgeous, I've built it to be so beautiful.
00:26:49.440 --> 00:26:57.920
I've got a a ceiling uh that retracts uh so I can see the sky and the the sequoias above me.
00:26:58.160 --> 00:27:11.279
I've got um mirrored wall of closets, I've got a fireplace with a click of the button, I've got uh warm lighting that isn't white, it's this you know kind of sexy lighting.
00:27:11.440 --> 00:27:15.680
We've got bedside tables with glass on them so lubes never mess them up.
00:27:15.920 --> 00:27:21.200
We've got stacks of towels in the closet, we've got our lay-down liberator waterproof sheets.
00:27:21.279 --> 00:27:25.839
We he's got his Zathu little meditation cushion he sits up on.
00:27:26.000 --> 00:27:33.359
So when we get into the doing position, which is doing stands for deliberate orgasm, it's a part of the expanded orgasm practice.
00:27:33.519 --> 00:27:35.359
He's the giver, I'm the receiver.
00:27:35.920 --> 00:27:36.799
And he gets that.
00:27:36.960 --> 00:27:45.440
He puts on these little Japanese like cotton fisherman pants because then his leg hair doesn't scratch my belly when he puts his leg over me to stroke me.
00:27:45.519 --> 00:27:48.079
Um and he wears a t-shirt just so he's comfortable.
00:27:48.160 --> 00:28:01.440
He's got his little pillow behind his back, he gets a pitcher of water and a couple of glasses, he lays out the lubes, he lays out my favorite sex toys, he's got his stack of towels, he puts on music or he waits for me to choose what I want that sounds good to both of us.
00:28:01.599 --> 00:28:05.119
And so I walk into that and he's ready to go.
00:28:05.279 --> 00:28:14.079
He's already showered, he's shaved, he's manscaped, he's filing his fingernails because he's touching my jet my delicate genitals and they are clean as a whistle.
00:28:14.319 --> 00:28:15.599
And he's ready to go.
00:28:15.759 --> 00:28:21.359
He's showing me that he is in service to the goddess and her pleasure.
00:28:21.680 --> 00:28:30.880
And that really works for me and for both of us because he doesn't have to make me an offer for sex, which is too big an offer.
00:28:31.200 --> 00:28:40.000
He knows that if I lay down and he gets his hands on me, 95 times out of a hundred, I'm gonna be like, well, now here's what I'd like to do.
00:28:40.240 --> 00:28:47.839
And I may lay there for 15 minutes, bringing myself back to my sensation to get out of my head and into my body.
00:28:47.920 --> 00:28:52.160
And other times he puts his hands on me and I go skyrocket right into orgasm.
00:28:52.319 --> 00:29:02.079
It's always gonna be different, and he doesn't have any like need for anything to happen or not happen.
00:29:02.319 --> 00:29:10.559
He is in the flow state, connected to me in pleasure and just enjoying watching my arousal blossom.
00:29:11.039 --> 00:29:18.559
And every time he does this yoni massage and clitoral stroking with me, which is really what helps me.
00:29:18.720 --> 00:29:24.319
Sometimes when I'm done with that, I want to have him hold me in his arms and connect with him.
00:29:24.480 --> 00:29:33.359
Sometimes I want to go down on him, sometimes I want to jump his bones, sometimes I want to try out a new vibrator or a new sex position.
00:29:33.599 --> 00:29:41.039
There's always something I want, and he's very flexible about following my lead.
00:29:41.200 --> 00:29:44.480
And once in a while I'm like, I don't know what I want.
00:29:44.559 --> 00:29:45.680
Can you run me an offer?
00:29:45.839 --> 00:29:46.960
Can you run me a menu?
00:29:47.119 --> 00:29:54.319
Just come up with three or four or five things that sound really good, and he'll run through a whole menu and I'll go, No, I don't like this, but here's what I want to do.
00:29:54.559 --> 00:29:56.000
He's like, okay, that sounds good.
00:29:56.160 --> 00:30:05.680
Like it is, it's a joyful surprise to see what the this little animal I live in is craving, and he's just there to give it to me.
00:30:05.839 --> 00:30:15.200
And I just think that is such a nice construct that most people, especially women, never get the opportunity to explore.
00:30:15.359 --> 00:30:17.759
So thank you for letting me tell you about that.
00:30:17.920 --> 00:30:21.920
Because when he sets that lover space, I get to relax.
00:30:22.079 --> 00:30:29.519
And if that 5% where I'm like, I just can't get off the dime, babe, I need you to just let me roll over and go to sleep and tuck me in.
00:30:29.599 --> 00:30:38.000
And he just pulls the sheet and the cover right up over my little shoulder and tucks me in and kisses me goodnight, and he's never mad about it.
00:30:38.240 --> 00:30:46.720
Because the more opportunities he uses to create that haven, that lover space for me, the higher frequency of sex he gets.
00:30:46.880 --> 00:30:49.920
So he knows what to do and he just does it.
00:30:50.400 --> 00:30:57.039
Yeah, and there's this there's this beauty of building that anticipation, building the environment.
00:30:57.279 --> 00:31:01.839
I mean, right now there's a bunch of people with notepads, like just taking notes, which I think is.
00:31:04.240 --> 00:31:10.480
Part of this is creating the space for true sexual exploration and joy together, right?
00:31:11.200 --> 00:31:13.039
You set the stage.
00:31:13.440 --> 00:31:16.319
He gets the anticipation, he's definitely going to be ready.
00:31:16.400 --> 00:31:18.559
You get to let go of all the other things.
00:31:18.720 --> 00:31:20.480
The anticipation builds.
00:31:20.880 --> 00:31:25.440
It's also you've created an like there's nothing better than creating an environment.
00:31:26.079 --> 00:31:41.680
I remember I was in a relationship with somebody who um had a really stressful, she had a really high-profile job, and like she had family stuff, and there she had been divorced, and there were exchanges with kids and all of this stuff going on in the world.
00:31:41.920 --> 00:31:49.839
She needed to walk in the door and have a whole place a little dimmer, a little like warmer, candlelight, things laid out.
00:31:50.160 --> 00:31:51.759
Uh leading to the room.
00:31:51.920 --> 00:32:01.839
The room was special, and these spaces designed for pleasure, and then not applying the pressure of like this is what has to happen.
00:32:02.079 --> 00:32:07.599
And you'll end up with way more than you ever anticipated happening, usually, because it's like that's when the joy happens.
00:32:08.000 --> 00:32:09.119
Yes, exactly.
00:32:09.279 --> 00:32:10.160
It it really is.
00:32:10.240 --> 00:32:10.559
I know.
00:32:10.720 --> 00:32:13.519
That lover space is so delightful.
00:32:13.920 --> 00:32:16.960
So then the next step is erotic vigilance.
00:32:17.200 --> 00:32:17.519
Yes.
00:32:17.839 --> 00:32:19.039
Let's talk about the E.
00:32:19.519 --> 00:32:35.359
Yeah, this is so interesting because I was recently on a women's a women's like pleasure and embodiment summit with a bunch of sex educators, and it was the woman who put on the summit, she she she picked all my favorite people.
00:32:35.599 --> 00:32:51.519
And I listened to all of the things that they were talking to about women, and they were giving all these great ways to become more embodied, to get, you know, to get over shame, to feel good about yourself, to relax, to, you know, get in the headspace of lovemaking.
00:32:51.759 --> 00:32:54.960
And I thought to myself, these are all really good things.
00:32:55.279 --> 00:32:58.480
What could their male-bodied partner do?
00:32:59.200 --> 00:33:02.640
Or any partner, what could their partner do to help them?
00:33:02.720 --> 00:33:10.480
When they're going through all this healing of the shame and the repression that's happened to pretty much anybody who's lived in our world, you can't escape it.
00:33:10.640 --> 00:33:12.160
You're we're swimming in it.
00:33:12.400 --> 00:33:13.680
What could he do?
00:33:13.920 --> 00:33:29.279
Because what I really like to do often is help men support their women in their sexual growth and healing by providing encouragement and worshiping them and ta taking some of the load and making smaller offers and all this kind of thing.
00:33:29.440 --> 00:33:34.720
And the small offers is actually a part of a program that I publish.
00:33:34.960 --> 00:33:40.720
So the 44 books and programs, I've written 34 of them, and I'm working on my 35th right now.
00:33:40.880 --> 00:33:46.400
But ten of them are the work of my mentors whose lineages I carry on, like the Expanded Orgasm Practice.
00:33:46.640 --> 00:33:47.440
And Dr.
00:33:47.599 --> 00:33:50.559
Patty wrote me a program called Seduction Trilogy.
00:33:50.799 --> 00:33:58.799
It's three books which have audiobooks that teach men the four keys to seduction with integrity.
00:33:59.039 --> 00:34:03.839
How to move your woman toward more pleasure and connection.
00:34:04.319 --> 00:34:07.839
And there are four keys to seduction.
00:34:08.239 --> 00:34:21.039
The first one is understanding how to make smaller offers, not just asking for sex, and when she says no because she's not in that head space, you take it as, you know, your failure or rejection, you get pissed, you get grumpy.
00:34:21.199 --> 00:34:28.079
This is a very, very common phenomenon in the world of men because men are raised in a shitty environment of a pecking order.
00:34:28.239 --> 00:34:29.280
They need to win.
00:34:29.440 --> 00:34:35.280
If they don't, if they're not on top, they're on the bottom, it makes them feel bad about themselves, which is why women don't speak up in the bedroom either.
00:34:35.599 --> 00:34:36.639
And all or nothing.
00:34:37.199 --> 00:34:37.920
All or nothing.
00:34:38.079 --> 00:34:38.320
Right.
00:34:38.400 --> 00:34:39.039
Yeah, exactly.
00:34:39.599 --> 00:34:40.639
Sex or nothing, right?
00:34:40.719 --> 00:34:42.159
Like exactly.
00:34:42.480 --> 00:34:43.760
So true, Michael.
00:34:44.000 --> 00:34:48.639
The second of the four keys is something called erotic vigilance.
00:34:49.360 --> 00:35:00.880
And it really helps with both partners, um, especially when partners feel embarrassed about asking to be close because they feel like they might get rejected.
00:35:01.039 --> 00:35:02.000
It goes both ways.
00:35:02.159 --> 00:35:18.639
But the erotic vigilance is something that none of the women talking to women mentioned that I wanted to teach men, which is this idea that you have to assess where your woman is in the moment that you're about to make her offers.
00:35:18.960 --> 00:35:22.320
So you can scale the offers to where she is.
00:35:22.960 --> 00:35:52.079
So an offer would be different for a woman who's in a bad mood, or you've had a fight with her, or she's upset and kind of anxious and like flighty, or she is like using food to, you know, kind of compensate for her anger and frustrations and things like that, or her sadness, um, or maybe she's in the mood for sex and she's like kind of ready to go.
00:35:52.239 --> 00:35:54.000
You've got to be able to notice that as well.
00:35:54.079 --> 00:35:55.360
You don't want to overlook that.
00:35:55.519 --> 00:36:04.719
And so the idea is to really pay attention to where your woman is so that the offers you make are the right-sized offers.
00:36:05.280 --> 00:36:08.639
Having a repertoire of options that you can provide.
00:36:08.800 --> 00:36:21.360
And one of the things that I give away to teach people how to have good offers and to give them examples of right-sized offers is at more sexmoreoften.com.
00:36:21.440 --> 00:36:30.639
That's a free download that shows you what kinds of offers we're talking about so that you can leverage this erotic vigilance and just really tune into her.
00:36:31.039 --> 00:36:33.039
Talk about soulmate embrace.
00:36:33.280 --> 00:36:33.920
Yeah.
00:36:34.400 --> 00:36:34.880
Yeah.
00:36:35.119 --> 00:36:36.960
So that's the S.
00:36:37.199 --> 00:36:44.480
One of the biggest issues as that we've talked about is women's arousal ladder is kind of this heavy lift in the beginning.
00:36:44.639 --> 00:36:46.800
She's got to get out of her mind and into her body.
00:36:46.960 --> 00:36:49.920
She's estrogen dominant, not testosterone dominant.
00:36:50.159 --> 00:36:53.679
So she is really multitasking.
00:36:53.760 --> 00:36:58.159
She's always got her her eyes are like 360 peripheral vision.
00:36:58.320 --> 00:37:00.239
She's doesn't walk in the world safely.
00:37:00.559 --> 00:37:01.920
We've learned that now.
00:37:02.159 --> 00:37:05.440
Women do not feel safe in our society at all anymore.
00:37:05.920 --> 00:37:17.360
Well, I I think I I don't mean to cut in, but I do want to make this point because I think I don't think men, going back to the communication part of this, have most men don't realize how unsafe women feel regularly.
00:37:17.760 --> 00:37:18.400
They're starting to.
00:37:18.880 --> 00:37:20.880
Unless you've really had that conversation.
00:37:22.000 --> 00:37:26.559
I also think being a dad of daughters gives you a different perspective.
00:37:26.960 --> 00:37:27.119
Yeah.
00:37:27.519 --> 00:37:41.360
But I think until you really realize or listen to how much women go through on a daily basis, you don't understand that fear level and that constant engagement and worry and hypervigilance that's just necessary in our world.
00:37:42.079 --> 00:37:42.559
Exactly.
00:37:42.800 --> 00:37:48.880
So that hypervigilance is what we need you to attenuate as our lovers.
00:37:49.199 --> 00:37:59.599
And the very best way to do that is to offer and to learn how to do a holding technique that I call the soulmate embrace.
00:37:59.840 --> 00:38:07.920
And this is really a way that women have been dying to be held their whole lives and weren't really even aware it was possible.
00:38:08.159 --> 00:38:39.760
It is also a way of holding a woman that gives a man a real confidence boost because he's providing that safety and security of his physical body, holding this woman in and allowing her to just slow her heart rate and to, you know, calm her nervous system, to speak anything out that uh she wishes she could say and needs to get off her chest before she can kind of let go of it, process things.
00:38:39.920 --> 00:38:41.760
And he's just there to listen and hold her.
00:38:41.920 --> 00:38:43.199
He doesn't need to fix it.
00:38:43.360 --> 00:38:46.719
He's just wit he's a witness to her frustrations.
00:38:46.880 --> 00:38:51.280
She can let them go that way and get them out instead of stuffing them and they're still existing in there.
00:38:51.679 --> 00:38:53.440
And then he doesn't let go.
00:38:54.000 --> 00:39:05.119
And there's a certain position you hold her in, a very you know, a very certain way of holding and how to use your hands slowly over time as she starts to soften and let go.
00:39:05.519 --> 00:39:17.119
At first, many women tell me that when they start this practice of the soulmate embrace, it's like they have fight, fright sensations.
00:39:17.679 --> 00:39:31.280
One woman described it as sewing machine legs, where she was had like restless legs, like she couldn't settle for the first three or four times her husband held her this way because she was just go, go, go, go, go, go, go all the time.
00:39:31.599 --> 00:39:33.440
And she couldn't relax.
00:39:33.840 --> 00:39:52.000
And they practiced and practiced, and now she told me that she pretty much wants to be held like this every day, that often it's what they do, not even before lovemaking, but just like on the sofa, jump in bed for 10 minutes, just when she needs that connection.
00:39:52.159 --> 00:39:56.159
So I really love for people to download that little PDF.
00:39:56.320 --> 00:39:56.800
It's funny.
00:39:56.880 --> 00:40:06.880
I I didn't realize how many links I was gonna give you today, but I will I really like to give people the links because there's gonna be something in this flesh framework that they're gonna be like, that's the thing I want to do.
00:40:08.239 --> 00:40:08.719
We want them all.
00:40:09.039 --> 00:40:09.360
Thank you.
00:40:09.519 --> 00:40:09.840
Thank you.
00:40:09.920 --> 00:40:11.519
And I do have so much free content.
00:40:11.599 --> 00:40:17.840
I really you know, you can tell I'm here to heal the world if possible.
00:40:18.159 --> 00:40:19.360
So the Solomon.
00:40:20.239 --> 00:40:28.480
If people had more sex, yeah, good sex, yeah, it would heal the world because it is kind of divinely healing, and I think we underestimate that.
00:40:28.800 --> 00:40:40.400
And I think it's really healing for men when they do it right, as opposed to trying to take it, earn it, and create it and shape it, the world is better that way.
00:40:40.719 --> 00:40:41.039
Yes.
00:40:41.199 --> 00:40:44.239
Oh, Michael, I sure would like you to hold me in your arms.
00:40:44.880 --> 00:40:46.079
That would be nice.
00:40:46.320 --> 00:40:48.239
You look like a good holder and hugger.
00:40:48.400 --> 00:40:50.800
Yeah, so that's at soulmateembrace.com.
00:40:51.119 --> 00:40:51.440
Perfect.
00:40:51.920 --> 00:40:53.360
You don't mind that I'm flirting with you, do you?
00:40:53.599 --> 00:41:00.320
No, but listen, I I am a voracious flirt.
00:41:00.400 --> 00:41:00.800
I love it.
00:41:00.880 --> 00:41:05.440
I think um listen, life without passion wouldn't be much of a life at all.
00:41:05.599 --> 00:41:07.039
So by all means.
00:41:07.280 --> 00:41:11.599
But that brings us to the H, which is heat, right?
00:41:12.639 --> 00:41:16.320
So you gotta end on the high note, yeah, hot note, right?
00:41:16.559 --> 00:41:17.039
Exactly.
00:41:17.199 --> 00:41:18.800
And heat is okay.
00:41:18.960 --> 00:41:23.920
We talked about trust and safety, and we talked about novelty and variety.
00:41:24.159 --> 00:41:27.679
The first four things cement that trust and safety, right?
00:41:27.840 --> 00:41:34.400
You can say what you want, you can get things off your chest, you have time to get aroused, you're willing to try, you're lifting the burden.
00:41:34.559 --> 00:41:36.639
All of those things were really trust and safety.
00:41:36.800 --> 00:41:45.440
So now, what do you once you develop that foundation, how do you get sex to get hotter and hotter and hotter and hotter and hotter together?
00:41:46.400 --> 00:41:47.519
And it does.
00:41:47.679 --> 00:42:02.719
I mean, trust me, when you start to learn new things together, which is what heat is, it's essentially a sex life bucket list where you have a bunch of ideas of new things you want to do.
00:42:02.880 --> 00:42:09.920
As a matter of fact, I just handed my husband a new vibrator that I want to try, and it's got three different vibrations in it.
00:42:10.000 --> 00:42:16.719
One of them is a vibrating head, one is a vibrating handle, and then there's this little tail that comes off of it that vibrates too.
00:42:17.039 --> 00:42:26.239
And I'm like, I figured out how to turn it on, let me show it to you, because I will forget in my turn-on theta brainwave state, you gotta operate the machinery for me, Daddy.
00:42:26.559 --> 00:42:29.039
And I want you to play with me with this today.
00:42:29.199 --> 00:42:30.639
Let's just play with this.
00:42:30.960 --> 00:42:32.400
And he's like, Okay, cool, this sounds fun.
00:42:32.559 --> 00:42:36.800
I'm like, and don't forget, I want to do that fucking vibrator this week, too.
00:42:37.119 --> 00:43:01.360
Uh, there's this fantastic vibrator that's used for intercourse where it's um a little vibrator that it's it actually lays on the mons above her clitoris and taps right onto the clitoral shaft and the clitoral tip, but it leaves the vagina open for intercourse, and then he gets and it comes either with a harness or this little silicone pad that holds it right on, it's hands-free.
00:43:01.760 --> 00:43:10.239
And he gets this little ring with a little magnet on it that he r puts down at the base of the shaft of his penis, and it's a proximity sensor.
00:43:10.400 --> 00:43:21.039
So while he's making love with her, as he gets closer and deeper inside her, it ext the vibrator goes, and then as he pulls out, it slows down a little bit.
00:43:24.400 --> 00:43:24.960
Like that.
00:43:25.199 --> 00:43:35.360
And that toggles her sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system in a way that makes her intensity and number of orgasms increase during lovemaking.
00:43:35.519 --> 00:43:45.519
It's really good for people who haven't had orgasms from intercourse and want that bridge to train their neural pathways to having orgasms from a penis or a toy inside them.
00:43:45.760 --> 00:43:49.440
But it's also just a really fun lovemaking date toy.
00:43:49.519 --> 00:43:58.159
And so, toys, positions, techniques, you can learn the 20s, you can teach yourselves the 20 kinds of orgasms.
00:43:58.719 --> 00:44:00.719
I mean, there's so Play.
00:44:00.800 --> 00:44:09.679
You can try some of the regenerative things like PT141 peptides and you know aphrodisiacs and all these kinds of things.
00:44:09.760 --> 00:44:18.079
You can you can do penis and vulva pumping to res re you know rejuvenate atrophy and restore your pleasure.
00:44:18.239 --> 00:44:27.440
And so what I did was I created 48 what I like to call erotic play dates because I think if you ask for sex, it's like, oh, we're gonna do that thing he always does.
00:44:27.599 --> 00:44:40.880
But if you ask to set time where you're gonna create the lover space for an erotic play date and you have your sex life bucket list, then you have all these great things you might want to try.
00:44:41.119 --> 00:44:56.960
And the Sex Life Bucket list, it's it's at sexlifucket list.com, of course, and it you print out the PDF and you watch my video together, it's free, and I go through, you you mark each one of the 48 erotic play dates with an A, a B, or a C.
00:44:57.440 --> 00:45:01.599
So you write, you know, you might choose these as A's, and I would choose these as A's.
00:45:01.760 --> 00:45:05.519
I would have some B's which are, well, if you, Michael, if you wanted to do it, I would totally do it with you.
00:45:05.599 --> 00:45:09.039
It's just not on my A list, but I'm game, I'm down, you know.
00:45:09.360 --> 00:45:12.320
And C's are, it's not for me right now.
00:45:12.559 --> 00:45:14.559
Because never say never.
00:45:14.719 --> 00:45:19.920
The more confidence you gain, the things you used to look at and go, I don't even get why anybody does that.
00:45:20.000 --> 00:45:23.360
Now you're like, oh, this is what my fantasies are thinking about now.
00:45:23.519 --> 00:45:24.960
It's like totally turning me on now.
00:45:25.039 --> 00:45:25.840
I want to try it.
00:45:26.000 --> 00:45:36.880
So once you have your A list, you merge it, and now you've got your your plan for your erotic play dates, and you can go, is there one you want to do on Thursday, or do you want to just see what we feel like?
00:45:37.039 --> 00:45:40.000
Oh no, I definitely want to do blah blah blah on Thursday.
00:45:40.159 --> 00:45:40.400
Okay.
00:45:40.559 --> 00:45:42.079
You get there on Thursday and you're like, you know what?
00:45:42.159 --> 00:45:42.719
I changed my mind.
00:45:42.800 --> 00:45:43.679
That's not the one I want to do.
00:45:43.760 --> 00:45:44.559
I want to do a different one.
00:45:44.719 --> 00:45:45.039
Okay.
00:45:45.440 --> 00:45:46.880
Like, they're all A's.
00:45:47.039 --> 00:45:47.840
It doesn't matter to me.
00:45:47.920 --> 00:45:49.519
We'll just go where mommy wants to go.
00:45:49.679 --> 00:45:52.800
And it could be Daddy that wants to go someplace, and mommy's the flexible one.
00:45:52.880 --> 00:45:57.679
I'm just for me and my world, this is what has worked as my dynamic.
00:45:57.920 --> 00:46:00.239
Your mileage may vary, you do, you boo.
00:46:00.400 --> 00:46:10.880
But I think the sex life bucket list, if you have one of those now, you've got the foundation of safety plus the novelty and variety for that upward pleasure spiral.
00:46:11.039 --> 00:46:11.440
Boom.
00:46:11.840 --> 00:46:18.400
Susan, what is the thing you wish people would ask you that they don't normally, or maybe aren't brave enough to usually?
00:46:18.719 --> 00:46:19.920
People ask me everything.
00:46:20.559 --> 00:46:32.000
So I one of the things that I do is I have a newsletter at betterlover.com, and I say I explain to people that their questions are what made me good at what I do.
00:46:32.159 --> 00:46:38.079
And I've been I don't I'm not a therapist, I don't sit in an office and meet with people or do Zoomies or anything like that.
00:46:38.239 --> 00:46:41.679
I'm a I'm an author of passionate love making techniques.
00:46:41.840 --> 00:47:00.079
And so when people ask me questions, they usually just reply to my email, it goes right to my inbox, and I I give them a thoughtful and considered answer that almost always comes from articles I've written in another e-book, watch this video, or sometimes I have to be like, tell me more, explain this to me.
00:47:00.400 --> 00:47:03.840
And when they explain it to me, I'm like, oh, okay, I see what you're saying, right, okay.
00:47:04.000 --> 00:47:08.480
And they're usually nine times out of ten, they are simple things.
00:47:08.639 --> 00:47:15.199
They think they're the only one who has this issue, and it's super common, and they think there's something weird about them.
00:47:15.360 --> 00:47:18.639
That's the majority of what I get, is very, very easy.
00:47:18.800 --> 00:47:21.440
Every once in a while, I get something that's a little harder.
00:47:21.840 --> 00:47:26.880
Complex medical issues, um long-seated anger.
00:47:27.039 --> 00:47:37.519
And those are things where often I have to say, you actually need to go to a urologist, babe, or you need to go, you need a sexologist or a sex therapist to unwind this.
00:47:37.599 --> 00:47:40.000
This is trauma we're talking about.
00:47:40.320 --> 00:47:42.880
I do the pleasure piece of it.
00:47:43.039 --> 00:47:49.920
And one of the nice things though is that, and I'll I'll leave you with this, and that is that everybody's got trauma.
00:47:50.159 --> 00:47:56.880
And the way that you change your course and move through trauma, trauma is trauma is like sex techniques.
00:47:57.119 --> 00:48:01.920
Whatever you need to, whatever your intuition tells you is the thing that will help you the most.
00:48:02.239 --> 00:48:11.119
Somatic experience technique, um, EMDR, talk therapy, a hands-on dachini to give you G-spot de armoring.
00:48:11.199 --> 00:48:16.960
You know, there's a million modalities for therapeutic momentum and processing.
00:48:17.199 --> 00:48:18.400
Just do what's right.
00:48:18.480 --> 00:48:23.039
At the same time, speak out what has not been working.
00:48:23.199 --> 00:48:25.760
Share it with your friends, share it with your love.
00:48:26.079 --> 00:48:32.800
You know, really voice what went wrong and how you were hurt because you need to be witnessed for it.
00:48:32.960 --> 00:48:39.440
Because until you explain it, you can't come, you can't fully understand it in a way that you can remedy.
00:48:39.920 --> 00:48:46.320
The third piece is where I come in, which is, and a lot of times talk therapy is the witnessing piece, right?
00:48:46.480 --> 00:48:50.559
A safe place to really say what happened to you, like sexual assault and things like that.
00:48:50.719 --> 00:48:54.079
They need to be in a safe space by someone who knows how to handle it.
00:48:54.239 --> 00:49:15.039
But the third piece is where I come in, which is where you rewrite the story of who you are sexually by learning the communication skills, learning the techniques, getting over the shame and discovering the amazing capacity, the orgasmic, intimate capacity your body has, and how good that feels and how cleansing and healing that is.
00:49:15.199 --> 00:49:20.719
So that's really the kind of the thing that I'd like to leave people with is that you can do these all concurrently.
00:49:20.960 --> 00:49:23.440
You can have trauma and have a sex life bucket list.
00:49:23.519 --> 00:49:26.480
As a matter of fact, that supports your healing and growth.
00:49:26.639 --> 00:49:28.480
So these things work well together.
00:49:29.199 --> 00:49:31.440
Let me ask you these final questions.
00:49:31.599 --> 00:49:34.800
I'm very fascinated by this because I I think that's so important.
00:49:34.960 --> 00:49:45.440
I think a big part of the pressure people feel is the thing that they are ashamed of or the shame they've been carrying for years, or a bad experience they had.
00:49:45.599 --> 00:49:45.679
Yeah.
00:49:46.000 --> 00:49:53.280
Usually with somebody who didn't take care of them and treat them properly and communicate properly, that now that they're worried about.
00:49:53.599 --> 00:50:18.079
Because part of this conversation allows you to move through that and again, drop some of the defenses, figure out is this is there a medical reason, is there a biological reason, is it a trauma reason, whatever it is, let's start to work through those things so that we can start to move them not necessarily out, but to the side where they're safe, so that we can start moving past them and through them.
00:50:18.639 --> 00:50:26.239
For you, at this stage of your career, first, I think I heard you say one time that you're a nerdy girl who likes hot sex.
00:50:26.320 --> 00:50:29.840
Is that is that your right and a science spot for science?
00:50:32.239 --> 00:50:34.079
Those are wonderful descriptors.
00:50:34.239 --> 00:50:37.519
I usually ask people what are the three words that describe them.
00:50:37.920 --> 00:50:38.400
There you go.
00:50:38.719 --> 00:50:43.039
So if you were gonna break you down into like three key words, what would they be?
00:50:43.440 --> 00:50:45.280
Intimacy, powers, longevity.
00:50:45.519 --> 00:50:46.639
Oh, beautiful.
00:50:46.960 --> 00:50:51.599
And then how do you define success at this point, Susan, after all this time?
00:50:52.400 --> 00:50:55.119
Uh the joy in my heart from helping people.
00:50:55.440 --> 00:50:58.800
My heart is full of love from the people who I've helped.
00:50:59.599 --> 00:51:02.079
Okay, and then what's the legacy you want them to take?
00:51:02.639 --> 00:51:08.800
Oh, God, just to uh uh feel good about their sexuality and to live a long, healthy, happy life.
00:51:10.400 --> 00:51:16.400
You are such a you're bright and light and kind of effervescent in this.
00:51:17.599 --> 00:51:25.360
There's a beauty in embracing both your sexuality but just your willingness to share and be open and help people heal.
00:51:26.239 --> 00:51:29.360
Obviously, there's some taboo parts of this to other people.
00:51:30.000 --> 00:51:35.440
Can you speak to the part where it's like, no, this isn't taboo and it's not something you should be ashamed about.
00:51:35.519 --> 00:51:37.920
This is purpose and it's beautiful.
00:51:38.400 --> 00:51:54.480
Once you turn that corner of fully enjoying the pleasure and being able to sustain being in pleasure and not feeling ashamed about that pleasure, um, that it grows and grows and grows exponentially, just like learning how to love.
00:51:54.639 --> 00:51:56.639
Your heart is a muscle and a door.
00:51:57.119 --> 00:52:00.960
It's a muscle because the more you love, the better you get at loving.
00:52:01.119 --> 00:52:07.840
And I'm such a better lover now, and not bisexually, but just by like loving people.
00:52:08.320 --> 00:52:15.760
And it was probably not even until I was in my 50s where I really started getting good at loving and expanding my heart.
00:52:16.000 --> 00:52:23.039
And I know for many people, the heart, because it's a muscle and a door, that door slams shut sometimes and it really hurts.
00:52:23.280 --> 00:52:27.440
But it doesn't mean you should open it, should not open it back up and love again.
00:52:27.599 --> 00:52:29.360
So it's the same kind of thing.
00:52:29.519 --> 00:52:30.159
Practice.
00:52:30.320 --> 00:52:35.199
One key takeaway from this entire segment with Michael is practice.
00:52:35.360 --> 00:52:36.480
Just pick some things.
00:52:36.719 --> 00:52:39.760
Pick what called to you and practice it.
00:52:40.079 --> 00:52:41.440
Thank you for opening your heart.
00:52:41.599 --> 00:52:43.599
Thank you for being on A Lighthouse in the Dark.
00:52:43.840 --> 00:52:44.880
Such a pleasure, Susan.
00:52:45.119 --> 00:52:46.079
I loved it, Michael.
00:52:46.239 --> 00:52:47.280
Thank you so much.
00:52:47.440 --> 00:52:48.719
It was great to be with you.
