WEBVTT
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Welcome back to Unfinished, the podcast where we have honest conversations about the things we're all still figuring out.
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I'm Jason.
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Let's get into it.
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There are times in life when everything gets quiet.
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And I don't mean peaceful.
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I mean quiet.
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The kind where there's nobody else in the room.
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Nobody texting you.
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Nobody asking you for something.
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Nothing happening to distract you from whatever is going on inside your own head.
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And I've learned recently that there can be a pretty big difference between being alone and feeling lonely.
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A couple months ago, my relationship ended, and I moved out and started living on my own for the first time.
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I had always had a roommate or lived with family or had a significant other that I was living with.
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So this was the very first time that I was just living by myself.
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And suddenly there were just days where I would come home and there was nobody there.
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Especially on the days I didn't have my daughter.
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And I think that's when I started realizing just how loud silence can actually be.
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Because when everything around you gets quiet, you're kind of forced to hear yourself.
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And that left me thinking, what happens when it gets quiet?
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Moving out on my own was weird.
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There were obviously all the practical things that come with it.
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New place, new routine, figuring out what life looked like now.
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But I don't think I was prepared for the emotional side of actually being by myself.
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Because when I have my daughter, there's life in this place.
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There's noise, toys, there's somebody asking me for snacks every five minutes after she told me she wasn't hungry.
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There's bedtime routine.
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There's always something to do.
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Because I'm dad.
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And then when she leaves, everything changes.
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The first night without her each week was probably the hardest.
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Because I'd come home and it was just me.
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And I missed her.
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But there was more to it than just missing my daughter.
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There was this feeling that suddenly I was alone with everything that had happened.
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The relationship ending, things that I've done, things that I've said, other relationships in my life, who I had been, who I was at this moment, where the hell I was going from here.
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And there wasn't really anywhere for me to hide from any of it.
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Because there was nobody else there.
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I talked a little bit in the sobriety episode about life getting quiet.
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When you stop using something to constantly escape what you're feeling, suddenly all of those feelings are still there.
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You just don't have the same way of avoiding them anymore.
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And this felt similar, except now there was a physical quiet too.
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I could sit on my couch for hours, and nobody was going to interrupt me.
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Nobody needed anything for me.
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Nobody was going to be coming through the door.
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And when you're used to having people around you that can feel freeing sometimes, and other times it doesn't.
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Because there's a difference between nobody is here right now and nobody cares about me at all.
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But when you're in that moment, those can start feeling like the same thing.
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There's one night from that period that I remember very clearly.
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It was a Thursday.
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It was the first day of the week that I didn't have my daughter for the entire day.
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I think I'd been living here for maybe two or three weeks at this point.
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And I had had a pretty tough day at work.
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Thursdays are pretty common for that.
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As it's one of my worst days.
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silent.
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Nothing was happening.
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And I remember sitting here and just feeling isolated.
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And eventually that isolation started turning into something else.
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It started feeling like maybe I was the problem.
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Because when you're sitting alone and nobody's calling, your brain starts trying to explain why.
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Maybe nobody wants to talk to me.
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Maybe people are better off without me around.
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Maybe everything that's happened is because of me.
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Maybe I'm the reason I'm sitting here alone.
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Then I just sat with that.
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I had music playing.
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I just laid on the couch for hours.
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I wasn't really doing anything.
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I was just there.
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But I eventually realized that I needed to get up and take a shower.
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So I got up and went to the bathroom.
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Got in the shower.
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And once I was in the shower, I couldn't even do what I went in there for.
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I didn't wash my hair.
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I wasn't washing my body.
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I just ended up sitting on in the bathtub breaking down sobbing.
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Full-on, ugly crying, completely uncontrollably.
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And there wasn't one specific thing I was crying about.
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It just felt like it was everything.
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Everything that had happened, everything that had changed, missing my daughter, feeling alone, questioning myself, questioning relationships, and where my life was going.
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It all just kind of hit me all at once.
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And there was nobody there to pull me out of it.
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And I think that's the part I've thought about the most since then.
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There was nobody there to pull me out of it, and at the time, that fucking sucked.
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I wanted somebody to call me.
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I wanted somebody to just check on me.
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I wanted something to happen that would make me stop feeling what I was feeling.
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But honestly, I needed to feel that.
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Not because anyone deserves to feel terrible.
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Not because suffering is somehow automatically good for you.
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But because for a long time when I didn't want to feel something, I found ways not to.
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Distract myself.
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Stay busy.
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Drink.
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Find somebody to talk to.
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Whatever kept me from having to sit alone with what was happening inside me.
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And now I didn't really have that.
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So I had to sit with myself.
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And that was uncomfortable as hell.
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Because when you actually sit with yourself, you start seeing things that you might not like.
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There were things I had done that I needed to take responsibility for.
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Things I had said to people.
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Relationships that I needed to think about differently.
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There were parts of myself that I wanted to change.
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But there were also things I was blaming myself for that weren't entirely mine to carry.
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And all of that quiet gave me the room to start figuring out the difference between the things that I should and could take responsibility for and the things that weren't entirely mine to carry by myself.
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Something else I started realizing is that loneliness has this really convincing way of making itself feel permanent.
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I think most negative feelings and emotions do.
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And when you're sitting in those moments, your brain doesn't say I'm lonely tonight.
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It says I'm alone.
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Or nobody cares about me.
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Or this is just my life now.
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And those are very different statements.
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Because feelings are real, but that doesn't necessarily mean every story our brain built around those feelings is true.
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I was lonely.
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Really fucking lonely.
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But that didn't mean that I would always be lonely.
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It didn't mean that nobody cared about me.
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It didn't mean I had ruined every relationship in my life.
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It didn't mean that I was destined to sit alone in this apartment forever.
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It meant that that night was fucking hard.
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And sometimes that's all a moment has to mean.
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Maybe it's after a breakup, or you move somewhere new, friendships change, you lose somebody, you're surrounded by people every day, and somehow still feel completely alone.
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And when you're in one of those periods, it's really easy to believe that's just what your life is now.
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Life keeps moving.
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Not instantly, not because after one of those nights you wake up the next morning and suddenly everything is just okay.
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But slowly.
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Because the quiet that I was hating eventually started changing.
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I still had and still have many nights by myself.
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I still miss my daughter when she isn't here.
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There are still nights where nobody calls or texts, and my phone is just silent.
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But I started getting more comfortable being here.
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I started being able to sit on the couch without immediately feeling like something was wrong.
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I started to think instead of just spiraling.
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Processing instead of avoiding.
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And eventually, some of that quiet started feeling peaceful.
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That's something I never would have believed that Thursday night.
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Because back then, quiet felt like proof that I was alone.
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Now, sometimes quiet just means just quiet.
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I can think.
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I can reflect.
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I can work on this podcast.
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I can look at where I've been and where I'm trying to go.
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I can actually be with myself without immediately needing somebody or something to fill the room.
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And don't get me wrong, I'm still learning how to do that.
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There are still lonely nights.
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I'm not sitting here pretending I've transcended loneliness or figured out some secret to being alone.
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Because I haven't.
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But I don't fear the quiet the way I originally did.
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So what happens when it gets quiet?
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I think I'm still figuring that out.
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Sometimes it hurts.
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Sometimes you hear things about yourself you'd rather not hear.
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Sometimes you remember things you'd rather forget.
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You realize you got shit you need to work on.
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And sometimes you just really fucking miss someone.
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But I also think something else can happen in the quiet.
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You can finally hear yourself.
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You can stop running long enough to ask, How am I actually doing?
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What am I feeling?
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What is it that I'm trying to avoid?
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What do I need to take responsibility for?
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What am I caring that I need to let go of?
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And maybe who do I want to be when life starts getting loud again?
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I don't think loneliness is something we need to romanticize.
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That Thursday night really sucked.
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I won't pretend that it didn't.
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But I'm also not sure that I would take it back either.
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Because somewhere between that night and now, I started becoming more comfortable with myself.
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Not completely comfortable, but more comfortable.
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And if you're in one of those quiet periods right now, I'm not gonna tell you everything magically gets better tomorrow.
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Sometimes it doesn't, but tomorrow isn't forever either.
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Things change, people change, and ultimately you change.
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And sometimes the silence that feels unbearable right now becomes the space where you finally start hearing yourself again.
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So I'll leave you here with the question that I asked myself.
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What happens when it gets quiet?
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Or maybe more importantly, what are you hearing now that there's nothing left to drown it out?
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Thank you all for being here and listening to Unfinished today.
00:23:15.119 --> 00:23:22.880
If something in this episode connected with you, consider following the show wherever you listen.
00:23:23.119 --> 00:23:27.920
And if you know somebody who might need this conversation right now, share it with them.
00:23:29.440 --> 00:23:37.519
You can also follow the Unfinished podcast Facebook page or join us in the unfinished community on Discord to keep the conversation going.
00:23:37.759 --> 00:23:41.200
Both of those links are in the episode description.
00:23:41.920 --> 00:23:43.920
Until next time, remember.
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Welcome back to Unfinished, the podcast where we have honest conversations about the things we're all still figuring out.
00:00:09.679 --> 00:00:10.560
I'm Jason.
00:00:10.960 --> 00:00:11.839
Let's get into it.
00:00:44.000 --> 00:00:48.399
There are times in life when everything gets quiet.
00:00:49.439 --> 00:00:51.520
And I don't mean peaceful.
00:00:51.679 --> 00:00:53.039
I mean quiet.
00:00:54.000 --> 00:00:57.840
The kind where there's nobody else in the room.
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Nobody texting you.
00:01:00.640 --> 00:01:02.960
Nobody asking you for something.
00:01:04.000 --> 00:01:09.280
Nothing happening to distract you from whatever is going on inside your own head.
00:01:10.480 --> 00:01:18.799
And I've learned recently that there can be a pretty big difference between being alone and feeling lonely.
00:01:21.040 --> 00:01:32.319
A couple months ago, my relationship ended, and I moved out and started living on my own for the first time.
00:01:34.480 --> 00:01:46.079
I had always had a roommate or lived with family or had a significant other that I was living with.
00:01:47.599 --> 00:01:53.519
So this was the very first time that I was just living by myself.
00:01:55.120 --> 00:02:06.319
And suddenly there were just days where I would come home and there was nobody there.
00:02:07.280 --> 00:02:11.919
Especially on the days I didn't have my daughter.
00:02:13.919 --> 00:02:20.560
And I think that's when I started realizing just how loud silence can actually be.
00:02:21.840 --> 00:02:30.000
Because when everything around you gets quiet, you're kind of forced to hear yourself.
00:02:33.840 --> 00:02:42.719
And that left me thinking, what happens when it gets quiet?
00:02:46.639 --> 00:02:49.599
Moving out on my own was weird.
00:02:50.159 --> 00:02:54.319
There were obviously all the practical things that come with it.
00:02:54.639 --> 00:03:01.840
New place, new routine, figuring out what life looked like now.
00:03:05.199 --> 00:03:11.280
But I don't think I was prepared for the emotional side of actually being by myself.
00:03:13.120 --> 00:03:18.240
Because when I have my daughter, there's life in this place.
00:03:18.719 --> 00:03:29.120
There's noise, toys, there's somebody asking me for snacks every five minutes after she told me she wasn't hungry.
00:03:29.599 --> 00:03:31.520
There's bedtime routine.
00:03:32.719 --> 00:03:35.439
There's always something to do.
00:03:36.240 --> 00:03:37.599
Because I'm dad.
00:03:39.919 --> 00:03:44.479
And then when she leaves, everything changes.
00:03:46.240 --> 00:03:53.199
The first night without her each week was probably the hardest.
00:03:55.120 --> 00:04:02.159
Because I'd come home and it was just me.
00:04:03.199 --> 00:04:04.719
And I missed her.
00:04:05.840 --> 00:04:10.080
But there was more to it than just missing my daughter.
00:04:10.960 --> 00:04:18.319
There was this feeling that suddenly I was alone with everything that had happened.
00:04:19.439 --> 00:04:43.439
The relationship ending, things that I've done, things that I've said, other relationships in my life, who I had been, who I was at this moment, where the hell I was going from here.
00:04:45.600 --> 00:04:51.040
And there wasn't really anywhere for me to hide from any of it.
00:04:51.839 --> 00:04:55.600
Because there was nobody else there.
00:04:58.480 --> 00:05:05.600
I talked a little bit in the sobriety episode about life getting quiet.
00:05:06.720 --> 00:05:16.160
When you stop using something to constantly escape what you're feeling, suddenly all of those feelings are still there.
00:05:18.560 --> 00:05:23.360
You just don't have the same way of avoiding them anymore.
00:05:24.959 --> 00:05:31.680
And this felt similar, except now there was a physical quiet too.
00:05:33.120 --> 00:05:39.680
I could sit on my couch for hours, and nobody was going to interrupt me.
00:05:40.000 --> 00:05:42.959
Nobody needed anything for me.
00:05:44.000 --> 00:05:46.480
Nobody was going to be coming through the door.
00:05:48.560 --> 00:06:05.439
And when you're used to having people around you that can feel freeing sometimes, and other times it doesn't.
00:06:44.879 --> 00:06:56.160
Because there's a difference between nobody is here right now and nobody cares about me at all.
00:06:58.560 --> 00:07:05.920
But when you're in that moment, those can start feeling like the same thing.
00:07:08.879 --> 00:07:15.600
There's one night from that period that I remember very clearly.
00:07:16.639 --> 00:07:18.560
It was a Thursday.
00:07:19.360 --> 00:07:29.519
It was the first day of the week that I didn't have my daughter for the entire day.
00:07:30.319 --> 00:07:35.759
I think I'd been living here for maybe two or three weeks at this point.
00:07:37.920 --> 00:07:44.959
And I had had a pretty tough day at work.
00:07:45.199 --> 00:07:49.680
Thursdays are pretty common for that.
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As it's one of my worst days.
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silent.
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Nothing was happening.
00:08:20.480 --> 00:08:25.199
And I remember sitting here and just feeling isolated.
00:08:27.439 --> 00:08:32.159
And eventually that isolation started turning into something else.
00:08:33.120 --> 00:08:37.279
It started feeling like maybe I was the problem.
00:08:39.759 --> 00:08:49.360
Because when you're sitting alone and nobody's calling, your brain starts trying to explain why.
00:08:52.399 --> 00:08:55.600
Maybe nobody wants to talk to me.
00:08:56.480 --> 00:09:00.799
Maybe people are better off without me around.
00:09:02.240 --> 00:09:07.840
Maybe everything that's happened is because of me.
00:09:08.559 --> 00:09:11.440
Maybe I'm the reason I'm sitting here alone.
00:09:14.399 --> 00:09:19.120
Then I just sat with that.
00:09:20.639 --> 00:09:22.320
I had music playing.
00:09:25.840 --> 00:09:28.159
I just laid on the couch for hours.
00:09:29.200 --> 00:09:32.159
I wasn't really doing anything.
00:09:32.480 --> 00:09:34.559
I was just there.
00:09:38.799 --> 00:09:48.960
But I eventually realized that I needed to get up and take a shower.
00:09:49.759 --> 00:09:53.679
So I got up and went to the bathroom.
00:09:54.720 --> 00:09:56.159
Got in the shower.
00:09:57.440 --> 00:10:06.799
And once I was in the shower, I couldn't even do what I went in there for.
00:10:07.120 --> 00:10:09.039
I didn't wash my hair.
00:10:10.000 --> 00:10:11.840
I wasn't washing my body.
00:10:12.159 --> 00:10:20.320
I just ended up sitting on in the bathtub breaking down sobbing.
00:10:23.120 --> 00:10:28.159
Full-on, ugly crying, completely uncontrollably.
00:10:29.519 --> 00:10:35.600
And there wasn't one specific thing I was crying about.
00:10:36.559 --> 00:10:39.600
It just felt like it was everything.
00:10:40.480 --> 00:10:58.879
Everything that had happened, everything that had changed, missing my daughter, feeling alone, questioning myself, questioning relationships, and where my life was going.
00:11:00.799 --> 00:11:05.759
It all just kind of hit me all at once.
00:11:06.240 --> 00:11:10.559
And there was nobody there to pull me out of it.
00:11:13.120 --> 00:11:17.840
And I think that's the part I've thought about the most since then.
00:11:19.039 --> 00:11:25.440
There was nobody there to pull me out of it, and at the time, that fucking sucked.
00:11:26.639 --> 00:11:28.559
I wanted somebody to call me.
00:11:29.840 --> 00:11:32.720
I wanted somebody to just check on me.
00:11:34.480 --> 00:11:40.240
I wanted something to happen that would make me stop feeling what I was feeling.
00:11:42.799 --> 00:11:48.960
But honestly, I needed to feel that.
00:11:50.720 --> 00:11:54.799
Not because anyone deserves to feel terrible.
00:11:55.519 --> 00:12:00.720
Not because suffering is somehow automatically good for you.
00:12:02.559 --> 00:12:10.000
But because for a long time when I didn't want to feel something, I found ways not to.
00:12:10.960 --> 00:12:12.240
Distract myself.
00:12:12.559 --> 00:12:13.679
Stay busy.
00:12:14.240 --> 00:12:15.039
Drink.
00:12:16.720 --> 00:12:18.879
Find somebody to talk to.
00:12:19.679 --> 00:12:24.960
Whatever kept me from having to sit alone with what was happening inside me.
00:12:27.120 --> 00:12:30.320
And now I didn't really have that.
00:12:32.240 --> 00:12:34.480
So I had to sit with myself.
00:12:35.360 --> 00:12:39.679
And that was uncomfortable as hell.
00:12:41.039 --> 00:12:50.080
Because when you actually sit with yourself, you start seeing things that you might not like.
00:12:51.519 --> 00:12:56.240
There were things I had done that I needed to take responsibility for.
00:12:58.320 --> 00:13:00.480
Things I had said to people.
00:13:02.960 --> 00:13:06.480
Relationships that I needed to think about differently.
00:13:08.720 --> 00:13:12.399
There were parts of myself that I wanted to change.
00:13:13.519 --> 00:13:20.240
But there were also things I was blaming myself for that weren't entirely mine to carry.
00:13:23.759 --> 00:13:47.679
And all of that quiet gave me the room to start figuring out the difference between the things that I should and could take responsibility for and the things that weren't entirely mine to carry by myself.
00:13:52.240 --> 00:14:02.399
Something else I started realizing is that loneliness has this really convincing way of making itself feel permanent.
00:14:07.840 --> 00:14:13.279
I think most negative feelings and emotions do.
00:14:14.720 --> 00:14:22.960
And when you're sitting in those moments, your brain doesn't say I'm lonely tonight.
00:14:23.360 --> 00:14:26.960
It says I'm alone.
00:14:27.440 --> 00:14:30.480
Or nobody cares about me.
00:14:31.600 --> 00:14:35.360
Or this is just my life now.
00:14:37.360 --> 00:14:41.840
And those are very different statements.
00:14:45.120 --> 00:14:57.519
Because feelings are real, but that doesn't necessarily mean every story our brain built around those feelings is true.
00:14:59.600 --> 00:15:01.200
I was lonely.
00:15:03.120 --> 00:15:04.879
Really fucking lonely.
00:15:06.480 --> 00:15:10.799
But that didn't mean that I would always be lonely.
00:15:12.240 --> 00:15:15.840
It didn't mean that nobody cared about me.
00:15:17.120 --> 00:15:21.360
It didn't mean I had ruined every relationship in my life.
00:15:22.879 --> 00:15:28.320
It didn't mean that I was destined to sit alone in this apartment forever.
00:15:29.679 --> 00:15:36.879
It meant that that night was fucking hard.
00:15:38.480 --> 00:15:42.879
And sometimes that's all a moment has to mean.
00:15:53.279 --> 00:16:09.200
Maybe it's after a breakup, or you move somewhere new, friendships change, you lose somebody, you're surrounded by people every day, and somehow still feel completely alone.
00:16:12.159 --> 00:16:21.279
And when you're in one of those periods, it's really easy to believe that's just what your life is now.
00:16:24.399 --> 00:16:26.159
Life keeps moving.
00:16:28.399 --> 00:16:41.039
Not instantly, not because after one of those nights you wake up the next morning and suddenly everything is just okay.
00:16:43.120 --> 00:16:44.879
But slowly.
00:16:56.080 --> 00:17:04.079
Because the quiet that I was hating eventually started changing.
00:17:10.960 --> 00:17:15.839
I still had and still have many nights by myself.
00:17:17.759 --> 00:17:20.960
I still miss my daughter when she isn't here.
00:17:22.240 --> 00:17:32.720
There are still nights where nobody calls or texts, and my phone is just silent.
00:17:35.119 --> 00:17:41.039
But I started getting more comfortable being here.
00:17:43.519 --> 00:17:50.160
I started being able to sit on the couch without immediately feeling like something was wrong.
00:17:51.920 --> 00:17:55.359
I started to think instead of just spiraling.
00:17:56.799 --> 00:17:59.920
Processing instead of avoiding.
00:18:02.480 --> 00:18:08.319
And eventually, some of that quiet started feeling peaceful.
00:18:10.079 --> 00:18:17.440
That's something I never would have believed that Thursday night.
00:18:19.200 --> 00:18:25.440
Because back then, quiet felt like proof that I was alone.
00:18:27.759 --> 00:18:33.440
Now, sometimes quiet just means just quiet.
00:18:34.400 --> 00:18:35.359
I can think.
00:18:36.720 --> 00:18:38.240
I can reflect.
00:18:39.680 --> 00:18:42.000
I can work on this podcast.
00:18:44.000 --> 00:18:48.640
I can look at where I've been and where I'm trying to go.
00:18:51.680 --> 00:19:00.400
I can actually be with myself without immediately needing somebody or something to fill the room.
00:19:02.960 --> 00:19:07.279
And don't get me wrong, I'm still learning how to do that.
00:19:08.480 --> 00:19:10.799
There are still lonely nights.
00:19:11.359 --> 00:19:18.400
I'm not sitting here pretending I've transcended loneliness or figured out some secret to being alone.
00:19:18.640 --> 00:19:20.240
Because I haven't.
00:19:23.119 --> 00:19:29.119
But I don't fear the quiet the way I originally did.
00:19:32.640 --> 00:19:38.559
So what happens when it gets quiet?
00:19:40.480 --> 00:19:43.359
I think I'm still figuring that out.
00:19:44.559 --> 00:19:46.319
Sometimes it hurts.
00:19:47.119 --> 00:19:51.920
Sometimes you hear things about yourself you'd rather not hear.
00:19:53.839 --> 00:19:56.960
Sometimes you remember things you'd rather forget.
00:19:58.240 --> 00:20:01.680
You realize you got shit you need to work on.
00:20:04.079 --> 00:20:08.000
And sometimes you just really fucking miss someone.
00:20:12.240 --> 00:20:16.799
But I also think something else can happen in the quiet.
00:20:18.319 --> 00:20:21.519
You can finally hear yourself.
00:20:24.240 --> 00:20:31.920
You can stop running long enough to ask, How am I actually doing?
00:20:33.200 --> 00:20:34.960
What am I feeling?
00:20:37.200 --> 00:20:40.960
What is it that I'm trying to avoid?
00:20:43.519 --> 00:20:46.799
What do I need to take responsibility for?
00:20:49.039 --> 00:20:55.359
What am I caring that I need to let go of?
00:20:58.000 --> 00:21:06.160
And maybe who do I want to be when life starts getting loud again?
00:21:09.119 --> 00:21:13.519
I don't think loneliness is something we need to romanticize.
00:21:14.559 --> 00:21:17.759
That Thursday night really sucked.
00:21:18.640 --> 00:21:22.480
I won't pretend that it didn't.
00:21:23.440 --> 00:21:28.880
But I'm also not sure that I would take it back either.
00:21:30.880 --> 00:21:40.480
Because somewhere between that night and now, I started becoming more comfortable with myself.
00:21:43.440 --> 00:21:50.559
Not completely comfortable, but more comfortable.
00:21:52.319 --> 00:22:00.960
And if you're in one of those quiet periods right now, I'm not gonna tell you everything magically gets better tomorrow.
00:22:04.319 --> 00:22:11.839
Sometimes it doesn't, but tomorrow isn't forever either.
00:22:13.839 --> 00:22:21.039
Things change, people change, and ultimately you change.
00:22:23.519 --> 00:22:34.319
And sometimes the silence that feels unbearable right now becomes the space where you finally start hearing yourself again.
00:22:39.039 --> 00:22:44.720
So I'll leave you here with the question that I asked myself.
00:22:45.599 --> 00:22:48.480
What happens when it gets quiet?
00:22:52.640 --> 00:23:01.759
Or maybe more importantly, what are you hearing now that there's nothing left to drown it out?
00:23:08.400 --> 00:23:14.240
Thank you all for being here and listening to Unfinished today.
00:23:15.119 --> 00:23:22.880
If something in this episode connected with you, consider following the show wherever you listen.
00:23:23.119 --> 00:23:27.920
And if you know somebody who might need this conversation right now, share it with them.
00:23:29.440 --> 00:23:37.519
You can also follow the Unfinished podcast Facebook page or join us in the unfinished community on Discord to keep the conversation going.
00:23:37.759 --> 00:23:41.200
Both of those links are in the episode description.
00:23:41.920 --> 00:23:43.920
Until next time, remember.
