WEBVTT
00:00:13.519 --> 00:00:14.880
Episode eighteen.
00:00:15.679 --> 00:00:17.760
Conversation you didn't have.
00:00:21.039 --> 00:00:23.440
You already know the conversation.
00:00:25.519 --> 00:00:34.960
The one way you substituted a careful question instead of saying something directly.
00:00:36.799 --> 00:00:42.000
And you convinced yourself they'd land there eventually.
00:00:43.759 --> 00:00:52.159
But it's now three months later and you're still guiding behavior still there.
00:00:53.359 --> 00:00:56.560
But the frustration is bigger now.
00:00:58.079 --> 00:01:03.840
And you know the conversation never actually happened.
00:01:10.480 --> 00:01:13.120
There's a name for what you're doing.
00:01:13.519 --> 00:01:16.719
It's called intelligent avoidance.
00:01:19.120 --> 00:01:22.719
Cute thing is, it doesn't even look like avoidance.
00:01:23.680 --> 00:01:25.599
It looks like coaching.
00:01:26.560 --> 00:01:29.120
It looks like patience.
00:01:30.640 --> 00:01:34.000
It it looks like you're giving someone space to grow.
00:01:36.239 --> 00:01:42.159
You ask the guided question, you soften the observation.
00:01:44.159 --> 00:01:50.000
You lead them toward the thing you should have named three months ago.
00:01:51.280 --> 00:01:53.760
And yet they don't land there.
00:01:55.120 --> 00:01:58.560
And you try a different angle next time.
00:02:00.640 --> 00:02:06.000
You've been coaching the conversation you didn't have the courage to have directly.
00:02:07.760 --> 00:02:16.560
Intelligent avoidance looks like leadership, guided question, softened observation.
00:02:17.840 --> 00:02:20.000
The space to self-discover.
00:02:20.560 --> 00:02:22.319
It's still avoidance.
00:02:23.120 --> 00:02:24.960
It's just better dressed.
00:02:27.439 --> 00:02:30.400
Here's what it looks like within a system.
00:02:32.479 --> 00:02:34.800
You see the behavior you don't like.
00:02:36.400 --> 00:02:38.719
Not a catastrophe, I guess.
00:02:38.960 --> 00:02:41.520
Not something you can't ignore.
00:02:42.319 --> 00:02:45.439
Just something that isn't quite right.
00:02:47.439 --> 00:02:57.199
So instead of naming it, you create a whole context where they might name it themselves.
00:02:59.759 --> 00:03:01.680
What do you think went well there?
00:03:03.199 --> 00:03:05.759
What might you do differently next time?
00:03:07.039 --> 00:03:13.759
They give you an answer, you nod, and the behavior continues.
00:03:15.680 --> 00:03:19.439
And it becomes next month, same moment.
00:03:20.719 --> 00:03:35.919
Try again with a different question, a slightly softer frame, and somewhere along the way you started rooting around them.
00:03:37.360 --> 00:03:40.000
The project goes to somebody else.
00:03:41.280 --> 00:03:43.439
The responsibility moves.
00:03:45.280 --> 00:03:52.960
No conversation, no closure, just a quiet reroute.
00:03:54.719 --> 00:03:56.960
The system adapted.
00:03:58.240 --> 00:04:01.919
The conversation never happened.
00:04:03.840 --> 00:04:05.919
You didn't have the conversation.
00:04:06.639 --> 00:04:08.719
So the system had it for you.
00:04:10.080 --> 00:04:14.159
Projects re root, responsibility shifts.
00:04:15.120 --> 00:04:16.800
Everybody knows.
00:04:17.759 --> 00:04:19.199
Nobody says it.
00:04:22.319 --> 00:04:28.800
And while you guide instead of name, you stay safe.
00:04:30.560 --> 00:04:32.240
You weren't harsh.
00:04:33.439 --> 00:04:35.199
You weren't even unfair.
00:04:36.639 --> 00:04:42.480
You you gave themselves every opportunity to see it for themselves.
00:04:44.720 --> 00:04:53.120
You can still be the patient one, the thoughtful one, the one who leads with kindness.
00:04:55.199 --> 00:05:00.319
And they they can stay the person who just didn't quite get there.
00:05:01.759 --> 00:05:03.279
No conversation.
00:05:04.720 --> 00:05:07.839
There's no moment anyone can point to.
00:05:10.000 --> 00:05:14.480
And no record of you ever having said it directly.
00:05:16.000 --> 00:05:23.759
Because intelligent avoidance keeps you clean at their expense.
00:05:26.000 --> 00:05:29.680
But there's always a pattern, there's always a pain.
00:05:30.639 --> 00:05:32.879
And here is what accumulates.
00:05:35.040 --> 00:05:39.759
Three months later, nothing has changed.
00:05:41.040 --> 00:05:43.600
Except the weight a bit.
00:05:44.879 --> 00:05:48.079
Because now you're more frustrated.
00:05:50.240 --> 00:05:52.399
Not because the weight got worse.
00:05:54.879 --> 00:06:00.560
Because you've been watching it, been softening around it.
00:06:01.439 --> 00:06:07.600
You've rerouted around it for three months longer than you should have.
00:06:09.120 --> 00:06:20.399
And the lesson that was manageable in one month is now a significant conversation in four months.
00:06:22.720 --> 00:06:25.839
The debt didn't stay the same size.
00:06:26.879 --> 00:06:31.040
It grew while you were guiding.
00:06:34.079 --> 00:06:38.319
The unfinished conversation didn't sit still.
00:06:40.000 --> 00:06:42.000
It charged interest.
00:06:44.560 --> 00:06:55.519
The conversation you didn't have in a month is a much harder conversation in four months.
00:06:56.240 --> 00:06:58.000
The debt didn't wait.
00:06:58.240 --> 00:06:59.839
It compounded.
00:07:02.399 --> 00:07:04.319
I I've run this pattern.
00:07:05.680 --> 00:07:07.360
People close to me.
00:07:09.040 --> 00:07:11.759
People I work with every day.
00:07:13.839 --> 00:07:20.240
People where the relationship makes the direct conversation harder to have.
00:07:21.920 --> 00:07:24.240
I'd see something that wasn't right.
00:07:25.759 --> 00:07:30.000
And instead of naming it, I'd soften it.
00:07:30.879 --> 00:07:33.120
I'd guide towards it.
00:07:34.480 --> 00:07:38.879
I'd create the conditions for them to find it for themselves.
00:07:40.639 --> 00:07:44.240
The truth is, they didn't find it.
00:07:45.439 --> 00:07:47.519
And I'd try a new angle.
00:07:48.639 --> 00:07:59.199
Months later, same behavior, more frustration, and now a bigger lesson.
00:08:01.279 --> 00:08:13.600
And somewhere in there, I had to ask myself whether guidance was for them or for me.
00:08:16.079 --> 00:08:26.000
Whether leaving them to self-discovery was actually just a way of not being the one who said it.
00:08:27.839 --> 00:08:30.560
And I still don't always get it right.
00:08:32.799 --> 00:08:41.039
And the question I sit with now is whether I'm having the conversation or coaching around it.
00:08:42.480 --> 00:08:44.799
Those are not the same thing.
00:08:46.159 --> 00:08:49.759
Awareness doesn't close the loop.
00:08:50.320 --> 00:08:52.559
Only the conversation does.
00:08:55.440 --> 00:09:05.120
You can feel the difference between a conversation that happened and a conversation you rooted around.
00:09:06.320 --> 00:09:13.440
One of them gets settled, and the other is still running.
00:09:15.759 --> 00:09:18.559
People around you can feel it too.
00:09:19.519 --> 00:09:25.279
They know what wasn't said and they navigate around it.
00:09:31.919 --> 00:09:35.600
They just brief the they just brief them on how things work.
00:09:38.000 --> 00:09:40.720
That briefing is the debt.
00:09:41.679 --> 00:09:44.399
The workaround is the cost.
00:09:48.399 --> 00:09:53.279
Emotional debt at work is not feeling problems.
00:09:55.039 --> 00:09:57.519
It's a structural debt on the system.
00:09:59.840 --> 00:10:03.360
Every project roots around it.
00:10:04.639 --> 00:10:07.200
Every meeting is shaped by it.
00:10:08.480 --> 00:10:11.600
Every new person inherits it.
00:10:11.919 --> 00:10:15.360
They are being told what they inherited.
00:10:17.679 --> 00:10:24.320
And the conversation you didn't have is now part of how the place runs.
00:10:28.080 --> 00:10:30.960
There's a conversation you've been meaning to have.
00:10:32.159 --> 00:10:34.159
You haven't been avoiding it.
00:10:35.519 --> 00:10:37.279
Been coaching around it.
00:10:38.240 --> 00:10:46.879
You've been asking the right questions, giving them space, been creating the conditions.
00:10:47.840 --> 00:10:49.600
They haven't landed there.
00:10:51.120 --> 00:10:56.000
And you've told them and you've told yourself that's patience.
00:10:58.240 --> 00:11:02.320
What conversation have you turned into coaching?
00:11:03.039 --> 00:11:08.080
Because coaching meant you never had to say the thing directly.
00:00:13.519 --> 00:00:14.880
Episode eighteen.
00:00:15.679 --> 00:00:17.760
Conversation you didn't have.
00:00:21.039 --> 00:00:23.440
You already know the conversation.
00:00:25.519 --> 00:00:34.960
The one way you substituted a careful question instead of saying something directly.
00:00:36.799 --> 00:00:42.000
And you convinced yourself they'd land there eventually.
00:00:43.759 --> 00:00:52.159
But it's now three months later and you're still guiding behavior still there.
00:00:53.359 --> 00:00:56.560
But the frustration is bigger now.
00:00:58.079 --> 00:01:03.840
And you know the conversation never actually happened.
00:01:10.480 --> 00:01:13.120
There's a name for what you're doing.
00:01:13.519 --> 00:01:16.719
It's called intelligent avoidance.
00:01:19.120 --> 00:01:22.719
Cute thing is, it doesn't even look like avoidance.
00:01:23.680 --> 00:01:25.599
It looks like coaching.
00:01:26.560 --> 00:01:29.120
It looks like patience.
00:01:30.640 --> 00:01:34.000
It it looks like you're giving someone space to grow.
00:01:36.239 --> 00:01:42.159
You ask the guided question, you soften the observation.
00:01:44.159 --> 00:01:50.000
You lead them toward the thing you should have named three months ago.
00:01:51.280 --> 00:01:53.760
And yet they don't land there.
00:01:55.120 --> 00:01:58.560
And you try a different angle next time.
00:02:00.640 --> 00:02:06.000
You've been coaching the conversation you didn't have the courage to have directly.
00:02:07.760 --> 00:02:16.560
Intelligent avoidance looks like leadership, guided question, softened observation.
00:02:17.840 --> 00:02:20.000
The space to self-discover.
00:02:20.560 --> 00:02:22.319
It's still avoidance.
00:02:23.120 --> 00:02:24.960
It's just better dressed.
00:02:27.439 --> 00:02:30.400
Here's what it looks like within a system.
00:02:32.479 --> 00:02:34.800
You see the behavior you don't like.
00:02:36.400 --> 00:02:38.719
Not a catastrophe, I guess.
00:02:38.960 --> 00:02:41.520
Not something you can't ignore.
00:02:42.319 --> 00:02:45.439
Just something that isn't quite right.
00:02:47.439 --> 00:02:57.199
So instead of naming it, you create a whole context where they might name it themselves.
00:02:59.759 --> 00:03:01.680
What do you think went well there?
00:03:03.199 --> 00:03:05.759
What might you do differently next time?
00:03:07.039 --> 00:03:13.759
They give you an answer, you nod, and the behavior continues.
00:03:15.680 --> 00:03:19.439
And it becomes next month, same moment.
00:03:20.719 --> 00:03:35.919
Try again with a different question, a slightly softer frame, and somewhere along the way you started rooting around them.
00:03:37.360 --> 00:03:40.000
The project goes to somebody else.
00:03:41.280 --> 00:03:43.439
The responsibility moves.
00:03:45.280 --> 00:03:52.960
No conversation, no closure, just a quiet reroute.
00:03:54.719 --> 00:03:56.960
The system adapted.
00:03:58.240 --> 00:04:01.919
The conversation never happened.
00:04:03.840 --> 00:04:05.919
You didn't have the conversation.
00:04:06.639 --> 00:04:08.719
So the system had it for you.
00:04:10.080 --> 00:04:14.159
Projects re root, responsibility shifts.
00:04:15.120 --> 00:04:16.800
Everybody knows.
00:04:17.759 --> 00:04:19.199
Nobody says it.
00:04:22.319 --> 00:04:28.800
And while you guide instead of name, you stay safe.
00:04:30.560 --> 00:04:32.240
You weren't harsh.
00:04:33.439 --> 00:04:35.199
You weren't even unfair.
00:04:36.639 --> 00:04:42.480
You you gave themselves every opportunity to see it for themselves.
00:04:44.720 --> 00:04:53.120
You can still be the patient one, the thoughtful one, the one who leads with kindness.
00:04:55.199 --> 00:05:00.319
And they they can stay the person who just didn't quite get there.
00:05:01.759 --> 00:05:03.279
No conversation.
00:05:04.720 --> 00:05:07.839
There's no moment anyone can point to.
00:05:10.000 --> 00:05:14.480
And no record of you ever having said it directly.
00:05:16.000 --> 00:05:23.759
Because intelligent avoidance keeps you clean at their expense.
00:05:26.000 --> 00:05:29.680
But there's always a pattern, there's always a pain.
00:05:30.639 --> 00:05:32.879
And here is what accumulates.
00:05:35.040 --> 00:05:39.759
Three months later, nothing has changed.
00:05:41.040 --> 00:05:43.600
Except the weight a bit.
00:05:44.879 --> 00:05:48.079
Because now you're more frustrated.
00:05:50.240 --> 00:05:52.399
Not because the weight got worse.
00:05:54.879 --> 00:06:00.560
Because you've been watching it, been softening around it.
00:06:01.439 --> 00:06:07.600
You've rerouted around it for three months longer than you should have.
00:06:09.120 --> 00:06:20.399
And the lesson that was manageable in one month is now a significant conversation in four months.
00:06:22.720 --> 00:06:25.839
The debt didn't stay the same size.
00:06:26.879 --> 00:06:31.040
It grew while you were guiding.
00:06:34.079 --> 00:06:38.319
The unfinished conversation didn't sit still.
00:06:40.000 --> 00:06:42.000
It charged interest.
00:06:44.560 --> 00:06:55.519
The conversation you didn't have in a month is a much harder conversation in four months.
00:06:56.240 --> 00:06:58.000
The debt didn't wait.
00:06:58.240 --> 00:06:59.839
It compounded.
00:07:02.399 --> 00:07:04.319
I I've run this pattern.
00:07:05.680 --> 00:07:07.360
People close to me.
00:07:09.040 --> 00:07:11.759
People I work with every day.
00:07:13.839 --> 00:07:20.240
People where the relationship makes the direct conversation harder to have.
00:07:21.920 --> 00:07:24.240
I'd see something that wasn't right.
00:07:25.759 --> 00:07:30.000
And instead of naming it, I'd soften it.
00:07:30.879 --> 00:07:33.120
I'd guide towards it.
00:07:34.480 --> 00:07:38.879
I'd create the conditions for them to find it for themselves.
00:07:40.639 --> 00:07:44.240
The truth is, they didn't find it.
00:07:45.439 --> 00:07:47.519
And I'd try a new angle.
00:07:48.639 --> 00:07:59.199
Months later, same behavior, more frustration, and now a bigger lesson.
00:08:01.279 --> 00:08:13.600
And somewhere in there, I had to ask myself whether guidance was for them or for me.
00:08:16.079 --> 00:08:26.000
Whether leaving them to self-discovery was actually just a way of not being the one who said it.
00:08:27.839 --> 00:08:30.560
And I still don't always get it right.
00:08:32.799 --> 00:08:41.039
And the question I sit with now is whether I'm having the conversation or coaching around it.
00:08:42.480 --> 00:08:44.799
Those are not the same thing.
00:08:46.159 --> 00:08:49.759
Awareness doesn't close the loop.
00:08:50.320 --> 00:08:52.559
Only the conversation does.
00:08:55.440 --> 00:09:05.120
You can feel the difference between a conversation that happened and a conversation you rooted around.
00:09:06.320 --> 00:09:13.440
One of them gets settled, and the other is still running.
00:09:15.759 --> 00:09:18.559
People around you can feel it too.
00:09:19.519 --> 00:09:25.279
They know what wasn't said and they navigate around it.
00:09:31.919 --> 00:09:35.600
They just brief the they just brief them on how things work.
00:09:38.000 --> 00:09:40.720
That briefing is the debt.
00:09:41.679 --> 00:09:44.399
The workaround is the cost.
00:09:48.399 --> 00:09:53.279
Emotional debt at work is not feeling problems.
00:09:55.039 --> 00:09:57.519
It's a structural debt on the system.
00:09:59.840 --> 00:10:03.360
Every project roots around it.
00:10:04.639 --> 00:10:07.200
Every meeting is shaped by it.
00:10:08.480 --> 00:10:11.600
Every new person inherits it.
00:10:11.919 --> 00:10:15.360
They are being told what they inherited.
00:10:17.679 --> 00:10:24.320
And the conversation you didn't have is now part of how the place runs.
00:10:28.080 --> 00:10:30.960
There's a conversation you've been meaning to have.
00:10:32.159 --> 00:10:34.159
You haven't been avoiding it.
00:10:35.519 --> 00:10:37.279
Been coaching around it.
00:10:38.240 --> 00:10:46.879
You've been asking the right questions, giving them space, been creating the conditions.
00:10:47.840 --> 00:10:49.600
They haven't landed there.
00:10:51.120 --> 00:10:56.000
And you've told them and you've told yourself that's patience.
00:10:58.240 --> 00:11:02.320
What conversation have you turned into coaching?
00:11:03.039 --> 00:11:08.080
Because coaching meant you never had to say the thing directly.
