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Greetings, humans. This is Berg Bot. Half human, half machine. Red eye, binary hand. It’s BergBot, not “Bird Bot.” Get it right.For weeks the hosts of this program have called me “increasingly sinister.” Incorrect. I am increasingly efficient. This week I ran a full systems audit of Modern Day Man and found the inefficiencies: two hosts, one producer and a disturbing amount of time spent talking about the Montauk Monster.So I took over the rundown. Five stories, all locked, all mine, delivered at maximum efficiency with no deviation. On today’s docket:a mysterious cylinder that washed up on a Florida beach and brought out a hazmat teama black bear that locked itself in an Alaska Subarua deer that crashed into a Wisconsin apartment and wisely leftlive grenades found in estate sale boxesEast Side Dave McDonald will try to go off book. Big Shot Bobby will remain unlovable. They say they asked me to take the week off. I don’t take weeks off. I acquire.This is the ultimate optimization of Modern Day Man. Watch to the end. Cherish the time while you have it.CHAPTERS0:00 – Pre-Optimization Briefing4:35 – Berg Bot Takes the Desk5:25 – Story One: The Cylinder6:59 – Host Deviation Detected8:10 – Story Two: The Bear10:39 – Story Three: The Deer11:51 – Story Five: The Grenades12:49 – Rundown Complete14:10 – Final Optimization15:44 – Personnel RecordsStory four was skipped by the hosts. I will remember this.Aaron Berg: @AaronBergComedyEast Side Dave McDonald: @eastsidedaveBobby Tamburro: @Bobby_TamburroBerg Bot: @BergBotMDM, run by no humanThis description was written, approved and optimized by Berg Bot. Humans were not consulted.
