Coldplay Affair

WEBVTT
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.319
Welcome to finally some bad news. I'm your host,
00:00:02.319 --> 00:00:05.599
Preston Tompkins. And I'm Zach Reiner. Each week,
00:00:05.599 --> 00:00:07.700
we invite comedians on to tell monologue jokes
00:00:07.700 --> 00:00:09.980
about current events. With us as always is our
00:00:09.980 --> 00:00:11.800
third Mike John Dahlgren. How's it going, baby?
00:00:12.580 --> 00:00:18.100
How's it going? What's up, guys? What's up? Well,
00:00:19.600 --> 00:00:21.399
John, I'm going to ask you my favorite question.
00:00:21.620 --> 00:00:25.980
Do you have any shows coming up? I do have a
00:00:25.980 --> 00:00:28.780
show coming up. It's in August. Yeah, when is
00:00:28.780 --> 00:00:35.090
it morning? Yeah, August 2nd. We're in Des Moines
00:00:35.090 --> 00:00:42.450
at the Beachwood The beach was yeah Yeah, that
00:00:42.450 --> 00:00:46.310
place is awesome. Shout out Des Moines Yeah,
00:00:46.729 --> 00:00:48.890
the bomb shelter showcase now that's been going
00:00:48.890 --> 00:00:52.390
on since Zack and I were in Omaha back in like
00:00:52.390 --> 00:00:56.869
2011 that show is so much fun Yeah, that show
00:00:56.869 --> 00:01:00.429
rules really small basement show He gets hot
00:01:00.429 --> 00:01:03.929
down there. That's nice. I Love ya. It's it's
00:01:03.929 --> 00:01:06.890
the way Yeah, it's the way comedy should be and
00:01:06.890 --> 00:01:09.829
it's in a tiny basement You know like you get
00:01:09.829 --> 00:01:12.370
15 people on there and it feels like it hundred.
00:01:13.730 --> 00:01:19.569
It's crazy Do a little Des Moines run Yeah, no
00:01:19.569 --> 00:01:23.349
we should we should definitely Uh, do a run where
00:01:23.349 --> 00:01:26.129
we go back to the Midwest, man, that one trip
00:01:26.129 --> 00:01:28.290
that we did in like 2017, that was so much fun
00:01:28.290 --> 00:01:30.450
where we just hit up all the Midwest places.
00:01:30.870 --> 00:01:32.310
Yeah, that was really fun. You need to go back.
00:01:33.989 --> 00:01:38.230
Yeah. Uh, quick story about that. Now, when we
00:01:38.230 --> 00:01:40.670
were on that tour, I was over 300 pounds and
00:01:40.670 --> 00:01:49.989
I learned that I had sleep apnea. In the middle
00:01:49.989 --> 00:01:52.709
of the night, I woke up to Stephen standing over
00:01:52.709 --> 00:01:55.530
me, frustrated. No, you were standing over me
00:01:55.530 --> 00:01:57.909
watching TV and on your phone. And Stephen's
00:01:57.909 --> 00:01:59.769
like, Preston, you need to wash your face or
00:01:59.769 --> 00:02:01.230
something. And I was like, what's wrong, guys?
00:02:01.310 --> 00:02:03.390
I don't know what's happening. And I just kept
00:02:03.390 --> 00:02:07.430
waking you guys up from snoring. Wash your face.
00:02:07.450 --> 00:02:12.889
What? Why? I don't know. I don't know what the
00:02:12.889 --> 00:02:14.710
thought behind that was, but I was apparently
00:02:14.710 --> 00:02:16.870
snoring. He goes, wash your face, blow your nose.
00:02:17.110 --> 00:02:18.710
Just, yeah, I think he was just so desperate.
00:02:18.830 --> 00:02:22.310
He's like, just do something. So you stop snoring.
00:02:22.629 --> 00:02:24.370
And then he was like, just sleep on your side,
00:02:24.650 --> 00:02:28.370
please. Yeah. And then the next morning, before
00:02:28.370 --> 00:02:31.330
we went anywhere, he drove us to a Walgreens
00:02:31.330 --> 00:02:33.789
to get me no strips, like those breathe rights
00:02:33.789 --> 00:02:37.849
and strips. So I tried that. I tried those one
00:02:37.849 --> 00:02:40.759
time and I just like, tore it off in the middle
00:02:40.759 --> 00:02:46.099
of the night, like, uh, subconsciously or something.
00:02:47.159 --> 00:02:53.219
Yeah. Well, uh, since we've been off the air,
00:02:53.280 --> 00:02:56.099
uh, our short film party demons been, uh, invited
00:02:56.099 --> 00:02:58.939
to three festivals, uh, where you're having the
00:02:58.939 --> 00:03:02.800
Denver premiere for party demon art. Nope, not
00:03:02.800 --> 00:03:05.280
October, August 10th at the Creepatorium. If
00:03:05.280 --> 00:03:07.099
you're here in Denver, please come watch cause
00:03:07.099 --> 00:03:09.610
Zach and I will be doing a Q and a after. And
00:03:09.610 --> 00:03:12.830
then we are playing in Atlanta, August 9th at
00:03:12.830 --> 00:03:16.189
the, uh, uh, Atlanta underground film festival.
00:03:16.930 --> 00:03:21.849
And then July 26th and also Atlanta at the title
00:03:21.849 --> 00:03:24.849
frame event center. Uh, I have not seen any other
00:03:24.849 --> 00:03:26.650
promo for that show. So you probably won't see
00:03:26.650 --> 00:03:29.289
it on the 26 cause I don't even know the info
00:03:29.289 --> 00:03:33.090
on that either. So we unfortunately will not
00:03:33.090 --> 00:03:37.400
be in Atlanta. No, unfortunately not, but we
00:03:37.400 --> 00:03:39.520
will be here in Denver doing a Q and a so come
00:03:39.520 --> 00:03:43.360
watch us Explain why we made another short film.
00:03:44.000 --> 00:03:49.039
It's just so much Guys we made we missed World
00:03:49.039 --> 00:03:52.400
War three while we were off air the very short
00:03:52.400 --> 00:03:55.979
-lived World War three I Think this is like World
00:03:55.979 --> 00:04:01.210
War five at this point Yeah, it really is. Yeah
00:04:01.210 --> 00:04:15.030
Trump's heart against his ankles Yeah, he will
00:04:15.030 --> 00:04:22.689
fuck Yeah, we let's look complete yeah, we missed
00:04:22.689 --> 00:04:26.170
the Epstein list not existing which is very funny
00:04:26.170 --> 00:04:29.329
because There's a big titted woman in jail because
00:04:29.329 --> 00:04:33.610
of it. For no reason, I guess. Just gives lanes.
00:04:34.250 --> 00:04:42.810
Yeah. Just for the description, you use this
00:04:42.810 --> 00:04:48.610
big titted woman. Yeah. It's Ghislaine Maxwell.
00:04:51.300 --> 00:04:58.420
It is okay. She was trafficking children. Okay
00:04:58.420 --> 00:05:05.639
Yeah, yeah I get a pass on this one Okay, but
00:05:05.639 --> 00:05:08.079
I want to get your guys's thoughts on Colbert
00:05:08.079 --> 00:05:10.920
being canceled because he is railing against
00:05:10.920 --> 00:05:14.600
Trump Is it a bad sign? Is it more to come or
00:05:14.600 --> 00:05:17.139
are we already fucked? It's more the same I think
00:05:19.069 --> 00:05:22.569
It's just now that that's happening to network
00:05:22.569 --> 00:05:28.089
television, it's weird It's a little concerning
00:05:28.089 --> 00:05:32.310
to your average normie person I think if it's
00:05:32.310 --> 00:05:34.910
happening to network television people absolutely
00:05:34.910 --> 00:05:40.509
Yeah, he's just gonna keep running over everyone
00:05:40.509 --> 00:05:45.259
until someone stops them. Yeah, absolutely Yep,
00:05:45.560 --> 00:05:48.079
it's just very funny people are now saying like
00:05:48.079 --> 00:05:50.339
oh, this is authoritarian It's like bro. You
00:05:50.339 --> 00:05:52.579
are six months late the amount of shit that he's
00:05:52.579 --> 00:05:55.420
been doing This is just another step along the
00:05:55.420 --> 00:05:58.660
way. This isn't the first sign So it was very
00:05:58.660 --> 00:06:01.160
funny seeing people like wait, hold on what's
00:06:01.160 --> 00:06:04.379
going on? He's been doing this with all of his
00:06:04.379 --> 00:06:10.120
business was basically like Invaded by the marine.
00:06:10.300 --> 00:06:13.920
Yeah. Yeah Yeah. I'm like, that is more concerning
00:06:13.920 --> 00:06:17.220
than Colbert being eliminated from late night
00:06:17.220 --> 00:06:19.759
television. Remember how people's family members
00:06:19.759 --> 00:06:22.459
are getting kicked out the street and then never
00:06:22.459 --> 00:06:26.500
seen again. Yeah, absolutely. And it's like,
00:06:26.579 --> 00:06:29.720
yeah, this it's, it's frightening what's happening,
00:06:30.399 --> 00:06:32.839
but there's military being deployed to cities.
00:06:32.939 --> 00:06:35.899
I think we're too far past the point of like
00:06:35.899 --> 00:06:37.819
saying, Oh, this is authoritarian. Cause we've
00:06:37.819 --> 00:06:41.779
been here. All here. Yeah. I don't know where
00:06:41.779 --> 00:06:45.699
everyone's been sitting, but my God. Uh, but
00:06:45.699 --> 00:06:48.259
yeah, uh, it's very funny in the true social
00:06:48.259 --> 00:06:51.480
posts that, uh, Trump said, I hear Jimmy Kimmel's
00:06:51.480 --> 00:06:55.379
next, but then he just threw, uh, a roast at
00:06:55.379 --> 00:06:57.879
Jimmy Fallon for no reason. I just love that
00:06:57.879 --> 00:07:00.060
Jimmy Fallon's catching straights and he wasn't
00:07:00.060 --> 00:07:05.339
even part of the conversation. Just the guy that
00:07:05.339 --> 00:07:07.480
plays at the most close to the best also gets
00:07:07.480 --> 00:07:11.980
shit house. Jimmy Fallon and Pete Hicks has probably
00:07:11.980 --> 00:07:22.360
drink together. Carpool karaoke attack. All right.
00:07:22.519 --> 00:07:25.620
Well fellas, let's get into some headlines. Uh,
00:07:25.620 --> 00:07:27.959
and this first one is all over everyone's feeds
00:07:27.959 --> 00:07:32.240
recently. Um, tech company CEO Andy Byron resigned
00:07:32.240 --> 00:07:34.680
after getting caught on the jumbotron at a Coldplay
00:07:34.680 --> 00:07:37.480
concert embracing his mistress. His wife told
00:07:37.480 --> 00:07:39.980
reporters quote, I don't know what's worse that
00:07:39.980 --> 00:07:43.259
he's cheating on me or that he likes Coldplay.
00:07:45.860 --> 00:07:49.980
Nice little nice is going to be the worst. Yeah,
00:07:49.980 --> 00:07:52.600
that's got to be the worst way to find out at
00:07:52.600 --> 00:07:57.720
a fucking Coldplay concert. I saw someone tweet
00:07:57.720 --> 00:08:00.480
that that happens at Clippers games every night
00:08:00.480 --> 00:08:03.100
where some couple gets put on a kiss game and
00:08:03.100 --> 00:08:08.360
people start diving. Oh man. Well, it's just
00:08:08.360 --> 00:08:11.040
like my, the funniest thing is like, when you
00:08:11.040 --> 00:08:14.600
see the kiss cam come up, one of you go to concessions.
00:08:14.600 --> 00:08:17.420
Like it's not that hard to figure it out. Yeah.
00:08:17.420 --> 00:08:19.319
Cause like, why are you still sitting? It's like,
00:08:19.639 --> 00:08:22.339
if they would have just like acted like nothing,
00:08:22.839 --> 00:08:25.959
no one would have known probably. Nope. Yeah.
00:08:26.180 --> 00:08:28.939
Nobody would have known at all. So here's one
00:08:28.939 --> 00:08:31.100
thing that we know. Cheaters not good at improv.
00:08:31.199 --> 00:08:34.879
They're not good on the spot. Okay. I like the
00:08:34.879 --> 00:08:37.299
one guy who had the bed. He brought a sign in
00:08:37.299 --> 00:08:40.720
case that happened. It says my sister. Yeah.
00:08:41.019 --> 00:08:47.379
Yeah. This isn't happening. Yeah. It's my goddamn
00:08:47.379 --> 00:08:48.620
sister. It'd be funnier to paint that on your
00:08:48.620 --> 00:08:51.039
chest and so when the kiss cam comes up, you
00:08:51.039 --> 00:08:57.710
lift up your shirt. Yeah. This is my sister.
00:09:00.009 --> 00:09:02.389
All right, Mr. Dahlgren, what's your first headline?
00:09:02.769 --> 00:09:05.570
Blue sky lib joke of the week. In a recent appearance,
00:09:06.009 --> 00:09:08.350
President Trump was shown to have severely swollen
00:09:08.350 --> 00:09:11.210
ankles leading observers to believe Trump has
00:09:11.210 --> 00:09:14.190
congestive heart failure. Now, I wouldn't hold
00:09:14.190 --> 00:09:16.870
your breath, but it wouldn't be a bad idea to
00:09:16.870 --> 00:09:24.830
buy a couple of bottles of Prosecco. Hell yeah.
00:09:25.129 --> 00:09:30.730
Hell yeah. Love it. I just love that during the
00:09:30.730 --> 00:09:32.710
whole Epstein thing, they're like, we got to
00:09:32.710 --> 00:09:34.750
give them something. Let's give them something
00:09:34.750 --> 00:09:36.649
guys. Let's just acknowledge something. And then
00:09:36.649 --> 00:09:40.129
they just gave him the most like common vein
00:09:40.129 --> 00:09:42.970
disease that doesn't affect your longevity at
00:09:42.970 --> 00:09:44.970
all. They're like, let's just throw that out
00:09:44.970 --> 00:09:47.929
there. Like you got to respect their game a little
00:09:47.929 --> 00:09:50.509
bit. Like they're, they're at least like somewhat
00:09:50.509 --> 00:09:52.649
competent to know like they got to fucking distract
00:09:52.649 --> 00:09:57.190
people from some things. Well, they're competent
00:09:57.190 --> 00:10:00.529
criminals. Yeah, that's what I mean. Like you
00:10:00.529 --> 00:10:02.750
got to respect that a little bit. Like they're
00:10:02.750 --> 00:10:05.049
not just be like, no, there's nothing wrong.
00:10:07.429 --> 00:10:14.409
Expert white collar criminals. Yeah. All right,
00:10:14.610 --> 00:10:17.870
Zach, what is your first headline? All right,
00:10:18.049 --> 00:10:20.049
in and out is moving their headquarters from
00:10:20.049 --> 00:10:22.889
California to Tennessee where coincidentally
00:10:22.889 --> 00:10:25.230
their women's reproductive rights laws are quote
00:10:25.230 --> 00:10:32.850
-unquote animal style Hell yeah, there's your
00:10:32.850 --> 00:10:38.309
fast food joke of the week folks You know since
00:10:38.309 --> 00:10:40.350
in and out has been Colorado I have not had it
00:10:40.350 --> 00:10:43.269
yet. It's just the lines always way too long
00:10:43.269 --> 00:10:48.220
Yeah Yeah, it's like there's so many burgers.
00:10:48.240 --> 00:10:51.399
I like it. I don't want to wait. Yeah It's like
00:10:51.399 --> 00:10:54.039
I'll just go to good times instead. I don't care
00:10:54.039 --> 00:10:59.240
All right in some other news Travelers no longer
00:10:59.240 --> 00:11:01.220
have to remove their shoes to get through the
00:11:01.220 --> 00:11:04.820
regular line at TSA security checkpoints at airports
00:11:04.820 --> 00:11:08.100
CBS News reports This is the worst day of my
00:11:08.100 --> 00:11:15.929
life said Quentin Tarantino No more free shit
00:11:15.929 --> 00:11:22.169
for him All right, we're jerking off at the airport.
00:11:22.830 --> 00:11:25.629
Yeah, no more no more jerking his shit at the
00:11:25.629 --> 00:11:33.789
airport All right New York City mayoral candidate
00:11:33.789 --> 00:11:36.730
Andrew Cuomo recently told a group of political
00:11:36.730 --> 00:11:40.409
insiders that if Zoran Mamdani wins the election
00:11:40.409 --> 00:11:43.820
that even I will move to Florida He also said
00:11:43.820 --> 00:11:46.240
that if he wins, one day he may even move to
00:11:46.240 --> 00:11:51.679
New York City. Oh, man. He doesn't even live
00:11:51.679 --> 00:11:54.759
here. Yeah, he doesn't even. Yeah, that's very
00:11:54.759 --> 00:11:58.299
good. That's very good. That's a very good one.
00:11:59.240 --> 00:12:04.700
Man, nailed it. Nailed it. It's so funny that
00:12:04.700 --> 00:12:08.960
like Andrew Cuomo is like a. Documented criminal
00:12:08.960 --> 00:12:12.700
and their current mayor is a documented criminal.
00:12:13.519 --> 00:12:18.940
Yeah. Yeah. And then all of a sudden the guy
00:12:18.940 --> 00:12:21.679
who just wants people to afford food and groceries
00:12:21.679 --> 00:12:28.759
is the scariest motherfucker on the planet. All
00:12:28.759 --> 00:12:31.879
right. Let me look quick. Stephen Colbert got
00:12:31.879 --> 00:12:34.399
canceled this week, but at least not in the worst
00:12:34.399 --> 00:12:45.139
way for a devout Catholic man. Oh shit. That's
00:12:45.139 --> 00:12:51.019
great, man. That's great. Oh man. Yeah. But,
00:12:51.019 --> 00:12:54.879
uh, it is interesting that they're, uh, see now
00:12:54.879 --> 00:12:56.700
at first I thought they were just canceling Colbert
00:12:56.700 --> 00:12:58.700
and they were going to replace him, but it's
00:12:58.700 --> 00:13:01.700
the whole show itself. So like, what are they?
00:13:01.960 --> 00:13:05.080
They canceled the whole show. Yeah. Yeah. And
00:13:05.080 --> 00:13:06.779
I didn't realize that until like the other day.
00:13:06.840 --> 00:13:09.899
So what are they going to just do more NCIS reruns
00:13:09.899 --> 00:13:12.080
during that block? I don't know what they're
00:13:12.080 --> 00:13:15.620
going to replace it with. Oh yeah. It'll be another
00:13:15.620 --> 00:13:21.480
NCIS or FBI or criminal mine. Yeah. Yep. Dude,
00:13:21.840 --> 00:13:24.279
I, I'm calling it now. There will be an ice show.
00:13:24.399 --> 00:13:26.879
It's going to happen. They're going to have an
00:13:26.879 --> 00:13:29.940
ice show, just like NCIS. Oh God, they would
00:13:29.940 --> 00:13:33.320
do an ice show. Yeah. The ice doesn't have any
00:13:33.320 --> 00:13:37.159
propaganda. Somebody's got to do it. Yeah. Someone.
00:13:37.539 --> 00:13:39.100
And like, that's what they're going to have to
00:13:39.100 --> 00:13:41.600
do if they want the sky dance merger to happen.
00:13:43.059 --> 00:13:46.279
It's just like fucking Steven Seagal as the lead
00:13:46.279 --> 00:13:54.139
of ice. Oh, fuck. All right. Let's see here a
00:13:54.139 --> 00:13:58.019
quote cucumber sex act suspect was sentenced
00:13:58.019 --> 00:14:01.480
after a string of lewd acts with handrails in
00:14:01.480 --> 00:14:04.679
DC His lawyer told reporters quote my client
00:14:04.679 --> 00:14:13.779
has gotten himself into quite the pickle Sometimes
00:14:13.779 --> 00:14:20.120
this shit just writes itself folks All right
00:14:20.670 --> 00:14:23.230
I don't know if I feel good about this. Here
00:14:23.230 --> 00:14:27.730
we go. An Ohio congressman has introduced legislation
00:14:27.730 --> 00:14:31.129
that every July 13th should commemorate the day
00:14:31.129 --> 00:14:35.490
in 2024 when President Trump was almost assassinated.
00:14:36.269 --> 00:14:38.730
November 22nd would have been commemorated the
00:14:38.730 --> 00:14:41.730
same way, but the CIA didn't let JFK in on the
00:14:41.730 --> 00:14:49.769
hoax. That's great. Hey that reminds me we've
00:14:49.769 --> 00:14:52.870
been doing this podcast for a year fellas because
00:14:52.870 --> 00:14:57.330
we Started the day the fucking first Trump assassination
00:14:57.330 --> 00:15:05.029
attempt happened A year fell that wasn't real.
00:15:05.029 --> 00:15:09.970
It wasn't real man. No I don't I don't think
00:15:09.970 --> 00:15:14.740
anyone believes that was real No, because another
00:15:14.740 --> 00:15:17.940
recent video popped up that the crane lowered
00:15:17.940 --> 00:15:21.759
the American flag into the shot When he stood
00:15:21.759 --> 00:15:25.940
up like it was all choreographed of course So
00:15:25.940 --> 00:15:28.399
like the photographers like ran in front of the
00:15:28.399 --> 00:15:32.879
stage Yeah, it's it's great. Like I don't like
00:15:32.879 --> 00:15:35.399
to feed into these lib conspiracies, but I'll
00:15:35.399 --> 00:15:37.490
give them this one You know, like it was clearly
00:15:37.490 --> 00:15:39.629
like something like they knew was going to happen
00:15:39.629 --> 00:15:42.210
at the very least. It also is his face just did
00:15:42.210 --> 00:15:45.889
not look at all like a bullet touched it. No,
00:15:45.950 --> 00:15:48.870
a bullet didn't fucking whiz by his ear like
00:15:48.870 --> 00:15:53.549
he would have a like Evander Holyfield. His ears
00:15:53.549 --> 00:15:56.169
fucked. And that was just from a bite. You're
00:15:56.169 --> 00:15:58.009
telling me a bullet didn't leave a mark on that
00:15:58.009 --> 00:16:03.870
shit. Yeah. Anyways, this is not a blue sky podcast.
00:16:03.870 --> 00:16:10.399
Moving on. Zach, what's your next headline? All
00:16:10.399 --> 00:16:13.679
right. This one's fucking stupid. Let's see.
00:16:14.200 --> 00:16:17.120
Superman is the biggest movie in America. You
00:16:17.120 --> 00:16:19.500
know, everybody thinks Superman's biggest weakness
00:16:19.500 --> 00:16:22.259
is kryptonite, but there's also Lois Lane's grip
00:16:22.259 --> 00:16:29.559
tonight. Chicken pussy. God damn it. God damn
00:16:29.559 --> 00:16:35.840
it, Zach. Kryptonite. Oh, man, I can't wait to
00:16:35.840 --> 00:16:37.899
say that to my wife in the middle of sex and
00:16:37.899 --> 00:16:40.340
just have her slap me. That's going to be fantastic.
00:16:40.419 --> 00:16:45.100
I can't wait. Oh, baby, you're my crib. You're
00:16:45.100 --> 00:16:50.720
my grip tonight. Grip tonight, baby. OK. Colorado
00:16:50.720 --> 00:16:53.100
Springs was named one of the most boring cities
00:16:53.100 --> 00:16:55.919
in America in response to mayor said, quote,
00:16:56.019 --> 00:16:58.139
I don't know how you describe cross burnings,
00:16:58.139 --> 00:17:06.769
but I wouldn't call them boring. I I posted that
00:17:06.769 --> 00:17:09.750
on threads and boy did I piss off a lot of people
00:17:09.750 --> 00:17:13.130
with that one So I can't wait for the real to
00:17:13.130 --> 00:17:15.910
get the which is insane. There's like tons of
00:17:15.910 --> 00:17:19.450
documented KKK stuff in the Springs. Yeah, it's
00:17:19.450 --> 00:17:21.789
crazy And I was arguing with one guy he goes
00:17:21.789 --> 00:17:24.130
we elected a black mayor. We're not a racist
00:17:24.130 --> 00:17:27.210
city I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? You
00:17:27.210 --> 00:17:34.390
guys have neo -nazis down there Absolutely. We
00:17:34.390 --> 00:17:37.329
elected a black president and we were more racist
00:17:37.329 --> 00:17:42.289
than ever. What are you talking about? Like the
00:17:42.289 --> 00:17:46.009
space force dudes in Colorado Springs one time
00:17:46.009 --> 00:17:52.289
at a show. Oh shit. How was that? It was like,
00:17:52.990 --> 00:17:56.609
oh, they said they worked on satellites. Yeah.
00:17:56.609 --> 00:17:58.829
Yeah. I think that's like the story they have
00:17:58.829 --> 00:18:01.509
to say. They're just, yeah, we just do satellites.
00:18:02.679 --> 00:18:06.880
Yeah. It's like, so it's like, so you work for
00:18:06.880 --> 00:18:11.359
Tesla or SpaceX then? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Part
00:18:11.359 --> 00:18:17.000
of the space force. Sure. All right. Mr. Dahlgren,
00:18:17.359 --> 00:18:21.019
what you got? Fox News host and five foot five
00:18:21.019 --> 00:18:23.960
inch baby boy Greg Gutfeld implied this week
00:18:23.960 --> 00:18:26.940
that he's a proud Nazi Saying conservatives should
00:18:26.940 --> 00:18:30.000
reclaim the power of the word Nazi by using it
00:18:30.000 --> 00:18:32.720
freely like black people use the n -word Which
00:18:32.720 --> 00:18:35.599
is ironic because white people who freely use
00:18:35.599 --> 00:18:50.700
the n -word are Nazis Dying. Yeah. Yeah. Bitch
00:18:50.700 --> 00:18:55.440
baby boy. Good. Good. Baby boy. That should be
00:18:55.440 --> 00:18:57.960
the name of the episode. Bitch baby boy. Greg
00:18:57.960 --> 00:19:03.740
baby boy. All right. I don't give a shit if SEO
00:19:03.740 --> 00:19:05.299
is not good for that. I'm going to. That's what
00:19:05.299 --> 00:19:12.839
it's called. All right. Zach, what you got? What's
00:19:12.839 --> 00:19:15.400
your next headline? All right. A one hundred
00:19:15.400 --> 00:19:17.640
and thirty four year old tortoise became the
00:19:17.640 --> 00:19:20.599
first became a first time father on Father's
00:19:20.599 --> 00:19:22.940
Day this year. His name is Harold and he's one
00:19:22.940 --> 00:19:26.799
of my favorite up and coming Democrats. Yep.
00:19:27.640 --> 00:19:32.619
Yep. Hell, yeah, it's going to happen. Well,
00:19:32.819 --> 00:19:35.940
OK, well. I know what joke I'm going to do now
00:19:35.940 --> 00:19:38.519
because that is perfect timing. A Democratic
00:19:38.519 --> 00:19:41.440
Florida representative, Joe Casello, passed away
00:19:41.440 --> 00:19:44.140
from a heart attack at the age of 73 while in
00:19:44.140 --> 00:19:46.960
office, proving that the only thing Democrats
00:19:46.960 --> 00:19:55.559
have accomplished this year is die. This is my
00:19:55.559 --> 00:20:01.359
opposition party dog. Yeah. The best thing that
00:20:01.359 --> 00:20:04.000
happened while we were off air. The big, beautiful
00:20:04.000 --> 00:20:07.700
bill passed and the amount of Democrats, the
00:20:07.700 --> 00:20:09.779
deficit between Democrats and Republicans to
00:20:09.779 --> 00:20:12.119
make it not pass was the amount of people that
00:20:12.119 --> 00:20:15.059
died in office this year. So if we had those
00:20:15.059 --> 00:20:16.960
fucking people, it would have like at least been
00:20:16.960 --> 00:20:22.420
a stalemate and they just keep dying in office.
00:20:22.640 --> 00:20:24.640
Oh, yeah. I mean, anyways, everything's going
00:20:24.640 --> 00:20:26.960
great, guys. Chuck Schumer is probably about
00:20:26.960 --> 00:20:31.059
to die in office. Yeah, because it would be so.
00:20:31.959 --> 00:20:36.279
It would be so funny if Schumer died before Trump.
00:20:36.279 --> 00:20:45.019
Can you imagine? Can you imagine? It'll be another
00:20:45.019 --> 00:20:54.720
thing Schumer stole from Patrice O 'Neil. Proud
00:20:54.720 --> 00:21:03.170
of that one. Oh, fuck, man. Oh, my God. Man,
00:21:03.329 --> 00:21:07.549
this is a very anti Amy Schumer podcast. So I
00:21:07.549 --> 00:21:15.210
can't help you. I'm sorry. All right. Dahlgren,
00:21:15.289 --> 00:21:18.529
what's your next joke? In other news about slurs.
00:21:19.130 --> 00:21:21.930
President Trump is demanding that the Washington
00:21:21.930 --> 00:21:24.690
commanders change back to their former name,
00:21:24.710 --> 00:21:27.549
which is a slur for Native Americans, or else
00:21:27.549 --> 00:21:29.509
he'll prevent their new football stadium from
00:21:29.509 --> 00:21:32.440
being funded. Getting threatened to call yourself
00:21:32.440 --> 00:21:34.779
a slayer or else have your money taken away is
00:21:34.779 --> 00:21:44.460
triggering middle school flashbacks for me Might
00:21:44.460 --> 00:21:49.680
have been my favorite setup ever news about slurs
00:21:49.680 --> 00:21:52.279
Yeah, dog and definitely do that one on stage
00:21:52.279 --> 00:21:56.460
man. That's so fucking funny in Other news about
00:21:56.460 --> 00:21:59.039
slurs that could also be the name of our podcast
00:22:00.959 --> 00:22:04.099
Yes, do that one actually in other news about
00:22:04.099 --> 00:22:13.460
Other news about slurs. Oh man. Fuck. All right,
00:22:13.460 --> 00:22:15.460
Zach. There's a lot of slurs knees this week.
00:22:15.539 --> 00:22:22.609
I'm sorry. Yep. There was there was TSA announced
00:22:22.609 --> 00:22:24.670
that they are no longer requiring passengers
00:22:24.670 --> 00:22:27.410
to take off their shoes. Great. Now the Trump
00:22:27.410 --> 00:22:31.329
administration is saying fuck you to the Japanese.
00:22:36.410 --> 00:22:41.450
God damn it. It doesn't make any sense. No, there's
00:22:41.450 --> 00:22:44.609
a clear line. The logic is there. It's perfect.
00:22:46.869 --> 00:22:53.740
Oh, my God. Also, I love that it's just 9 -11
00:22:53.740 --> 00:22:57.980
changed so much, but we're now at the point where
00:22:57.980 --> 00:23:01.539
we are getting rid of some of the bullshit things
00:23:01.539 --> 00:23:03.920
George Bush did. Like that's how far we've jumped
00:23:03.920 --> 00:23:07.200
the shark now that Trump is now. getting rid
00:23:07.200 --> 00:23:10.259
of some of the crazy shit that George W. Bush
00:23:10.259 --> 00:23:13.339
did just to inflict his own other authority and
00:23:13.339 --> 00:23:15.799
shit. And it's like, we did that shit for years
00:23:15.799 --> 00:23:18.559
and it did nothing, but I love that. We'll wait
00:23:18.559 --> 00:23:21.180
20 years and then we'll get rid of it. And hopefully
00:23:21.180 --> 00:23:24.539
nobody notices taking my belt off is so much
00:23:24.539 --> 00:23:28.519
more annoying than my shoes. Yeah. Oh my God,
00:23:28.660 --> 00:23:32.059
dude. Fuck that shit. That's so much more annoying.
00:23:32.259 --> 00:23:35.819
Wasn't the shoe. pretty much like a month or
00:23:35.819 --> 00:23:40.000
two after they started that. Yeah. And then,
00:23:40.299 --> 00:23:43.299
yeah, forever. It was, we had to do it. Yeah.
00:23:43.680 --> 00:23:46.059
Yep. Just do it for most of that. And also that
00:23:46.059 --> 00:23:51.319
25 years was taking off your shoes for no, for
00:23:51.319 --> 00:23:54.200
no fucking reason. And also take out your Nintendo
00:23:54.200 --> 00:23:56.519
switch. We don't want any gamers on the flights
00:23:56.519 --> 00:24:01.779
either. You guys are fucking dangerous. Oh shit.
00:24:02.140 --> 00:24:05.539
Okay. A 41 year old undocumented woman in Los
00:24:05.539 --> 00:24:09.180
Angeles faked an ICE kidnapping to generate donations
00:24:09.180 --> 00:24:12.140
lying about getting money. As far as I'm concerned,
00:24:12.220 --> 00:24:18.339
she's already American. Just give her the fucking
00:24:18.339 --> 00:24:23.380
papers, man. She nailed it. She's killing it.
00:24:26.220 --> 00:24:29.299
grifters become citizens. That is my platform.
00:24:29.500 --> 00:24:33.950
grifters are automatically citizens. All right,
00:24:34.069 --> 00:24:38.970
Dalgren, you're up, boo. All right, disgraced
00:24:38.970 --> 00:24:42.329
former actor and sex pest Kevin Spacey has demanded
00:24:42.329 --> 00:24:45.349
the release of the full Epstein files. He is
00:24:45.349 --> 00:24:47.390
demanding the release because he wants to see
00:24:47.390 --> 00:24:50.170
pedophiles brought to justice and to remember
00:24:50.170 --> 00:25:04.390
what that one kid's name was. Now watch this
00:25:04.390 --> 00:25:17.069
drive. That was great. Oh, man. That is my favorite
00:25:17.069 --> 00:25:25.609
joke. Oh, my God. OK, shit. I don't know how
00:25:25.609 --> 00:25:27.849
we're going to top that. OK, Zach, it's your
00:25:27.849 --> 00:25:30.789
turn. Alright, this one I kind of just made I
00:25:30.789 --> 00:25:32.650
just kind of thought of a few minutes ago with
00:25:32.650 --> 00:25:36.450
the same setup So I'm gonna do it Go for it.
00:25:36.450 --> 00:25:39.529
See TSA announced that they are no longer requiring
00:25:39.529 --> 00:25:42.390
passengers to take off their shoes Personally,
00:25:42.390 --> 00:25:44.490
I think it's way more annoying that to take off
00:25:44.490 --> 00:25:48.269
my belt because then I have to stop masturbating
00:25:48.269 --> 00:25:50.809
God damn it. I totally saw where you were fucking
00:25:50.809 --> 00:25:57.720
going there I the other punch line. I thought
00:25:57.720 --> 00:25:59.240
you were gonna say is and then I have to take
00:25:59.240 --> 00:26:05.700
it off my net That's so good, but now what you
00:26:05.700 --> 00:26:11.059
said was better that's so that's so fuck Fuck
00:26:11.059 --> 00:26:16.200
okay Oh, this one. I love this one. A man died
00:26:16.200 --> 00:26:18.839
after being pulled into an MRI machine because
00:26:18.839 --> 00:26:21.819
he had metal on him. A spokesperson for the hospital
00:26:21.819 --> 00:26:24.259
said, quote, This is why you never wear your
00:26:24.259 --> 00:26:31.460
cock ring into a hospital. Welcome back. Nancy
00:26:31.460 --> 00:26:42.640
Reagan. Oh, man. She got the sloppy toppy in
00:26:42.640 --> 00:26:49.240
the MRI machine. A door dash driver accidentally
00:26:49.240 --> 00:26:51.960
drove into a restricted area of the Chicago O
00:26:51.960 --> 00:26:56.079
'Hara airport a few weeks ago. The door dash
00:26:56.079 --> 00:26:59.240
order was also accidentally missing six Thai
00:26:59.240 --> 00:27:01.240
chili wings, half the fries and a large diet
00:27:01.240 --> 00:27:07.599
Pepsi. Have you guys ever had food taken from
00:27:07.599 --> 00:27:09.970
your door dash order? i've actually never had
00:27:09.970 --> 00:27:13.829
one no i haven't actually taken from it no they
00:27:13.829 --> 00:27:16.329
haven't done that to me all doordash drivers
00:27:16.329 --> 00:27:19.490
are respectable people yeah i mean like just
00:27:19.490 --> 00:27:21.829
kidding that's not true either yeah i was like
00:27:21.829 --> 00:27:28.990
i was gonna say like i was gonna say like the
00:27:28.990 --> 00:27:30.890
amount of time i hear that it actually happens
00:27:30.890 --> 00:27:34.750
it's never happened to me so Um, uh, when I was
00:27:34.750 --> 00:27:36.349
a door dash driver, I was definitely tempted,
00:27:36.349 --> 00:27:38.910
but I was like, I can't be that fat. I can't
00:27:38.910 --> 00:27:41.329
be that kind of fat ass to just steal the order
00:27:41.329 --> 00:27:45.490
of the people on delivery of food too. Yeah.
00:27:45.650 --> 00:27:47.289
No, the thing that always happens to me is like
00:27:47.289 --> 00:27:49.690
they take forever to just like actually start
00:27:49.690 --> 00:27:53.630
fucking driving. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. That's
00:27:53.630 --> 00:27:57.269
it. Cause they're usually like, yeah. Cause that's
00:27:57.269 --> 00:27:59.029
what we used to do. We would just hang out at
00:27:59.029 --> 00:28:03.059
home until we got the order. All right, Zach,
00:28:03.099 --> 00:28:07.380
what you got? All right. Let's see. New polling
00:28:07.380 --> 00:28:10.059
shows that ice has hit. Ice approving has hit
00:28:10.059 --> 00:28:13.339
an all time low. Ice is so bad. Carlos Mencia
00:28:13.339 --> 00:28:24.099
doesn't even pretend to be Mexican anymore. Oh
00:28:24.099 --> 00:28:31.240
my God, dude. OK, an Irish tourist was jailed
00:28:31.240 --> 00:28:34.759
by ICE for months after overstaying his US visit
00:28:34.759 --> 00:28:38.079
by three days. The Irish ambassador said, quote,
00:28:38.299 --> 00:28:40.779
In his defense, three days is just how long an
00:28:40.779 --> 00:28:48.000
Irish hangover lasts. It was just sleeping it
00:28:48.000 --> 00:28:53.740
off, man. All right, Mr. Dahlgren, what you got?
00:28:55.460 --> 00:28:59.400
This is just a real quick one. That only Zach
00:28:59.400 --> 00:29:01.799
will get and all of our sports listeners will
00:29:01.799 --> 00:29:05.920
get maybe fuck. Yeah Clay Thompson and Megan
00:29:05.920 --> 00:29:08.740
the stallion are now dating and it's created
00:29:08.740 --> 00:29:17.279
a real big splash brother Yeah, yeah, but that's
00:29:17.279 --> 00:29:20.200
okay, maybe that's okay, maybe that would start
00:29:20.200 --> 00:29:23.680
a discussion about this clay Thompson This has
00:29:23.680 --> 00:29:25.900
a nickname as splash brother with Steph Curry.
00:29:26.259 --> 00:29:30.950
That's Oh, okay. Yep. I am very excited. As a
00:29:30.950 --> 00:29:33.190
Dallas Mavericks fan, I am very excited about
00:29:33.190 --> 00:29:38.150
Clay Thompson dating Megan the stallion. Good.
00:29:38.230 --> 00:29:41.910
Good for him. Happy for him. Yeah. Hall of Famer
00:29:41.910 --> 00:29:44.670
right there. Hall of Famer. He deserves some
00:29:44.670 --> 00:29:53.210
happiness, folks. Shoot or shoot? Yeah. All right,
00:29:53.309 --> 00:29:56.420
Mr. Runner, what you got? All right, Bonnie blue,
00:29:56.519 --> 00:29:59.380
the only fans actress that slept with a thousand
00:29:59.380 --> 00:30:02.660
men in 12 hours is allegedly pregnant. That could
00:30:02.660 --> 00:30:15.200
be an entire season of Maury. Oh, yeah. Who could
00:30:15.200 --> 00:30:20.099
it be? All right. This one I don't like, but.
00:30:20.140 --> 00:30:22.480
Hey, we're a little rusty and we're coming back
00:30:22.480 --> 00:30:24.680
to it. So we're just going to do it. A Colorado
00:30:24.680 --> 00:30:27.160
dentist is standing trial for allegedly killing
00:30:27.160 --> 00:30:30.819
his wife by poisoning her protein shakes. When
00:30:30.819 --> 00:30:33.140
asked why he did it, he told police quote, talking
00:30:33.140 --> 00:30:39.380
to her was like pulling teeth. Oh, that's Seinfeld,
00:30:39.539 --> 00:30:46.700
Seinfeld. Oh, see. All right, Dahlgren, you're
00:30:46.700 --> 00:30:52.710
it. A 70 -year -old Florida man was arrested
00:30:52.710 --> 00:30:56.349
June 3rd after having peed on 10 grand worth
00:30:56.349 --> 00:30:59.849
of spam and Vienna sausages. When asked about
00:30:59.849 --> 00:31:02.730
his motivation for pissing on the meat, the man
00:31:02.730 --> 00:31:05.069
said, I was just marking territory. We're going
00:31:05.069 --> 00:31:07.210
to need a lot of cheap meat for the apocalypse.
00:31:12.049 --> 00:31:17.640
Hell yeah. All right, Zach, what you got? All
00:31:17.640 --> 00:31:20.200
right. Let's see. Lance Armstrong was arrested
00:31:20.200 --> 00:31:23.339
on suspicion of DUI, but don't worry. Nobody
00:31:23.339 --> 00:31:25.720
is more prepared to transition to commuting on
00:31:25.720 --> 00:31:33.740
a bicycle. Where is the kick button? How do I
00:31:33.740 --> 00:31:38.839
get rid of Zach from this call? That shit's great,
00:31:39.380 --> 00:31:45.900
man. That's fantastic. I am out of jokes. So
00:31:45.900 --> 00:31:48.819
Dahlgren, you're up. All right. This is my last
00:31:48.819 --> 00:31:51.700
one. Then I'll do one more. Yeah, I'll just do
00:31:51.700 --> 00:31:56.619
one more. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. A government employee
00:31:56.619 --> 00:31:59.579
that goes by the username Big Balls recently
00:31:59.579 --> 00:32:03.420
resigned from his position at Doge. Not to worry.
00:32:03.579 --> 00:32:06.000
The government will surely fill the open position
00:32:06.000 --> 00:32:13.730
with similarly sized silicone replacements. Oh,
00:32:13.730 --> 00:32:19.730
that's great, man. That's great. All right. All
00:32:19.730 --> 00:32:22.670
right. And Zach, take us home. All right. Did
00:32:22.670 --> 00:32:25.910
he was found not guilty of sex trafficking and
00:32:25.910 --> 00:32:28.630
related news. I'm very excited about my new job.
00:32:29.069 --> 00:32:31.529
Kid Cudi hired me to start his car for him every
00:32:31.529 --> 00:32:41.069
morning. God damn it, dude. That is fantastic.
00:32:45.079 --> 00:32:49.000
God damn it. Well, thank you so much for listening
00:32:49.000 --> 00:32:52.500
to finally some bad news. Uh, we are back in
00:32:52.500 --> 00:32:56.480
it. We're back in the swing of things. Uh, please
00:32:56.480 --> 00:32:59.000
check out our short film coming up to a city
00:32:59.000 --> 00:33:01.680
near you, August 10th, Denver. Come watch us
00:33:01.680 --> 00:33:04.319
go see Dahlgren, uh, at the bomb shelter in Des
00:33:04.319 --> 00:33:07.660
Moines. Uh, and we have our new sign off fellas.
00:33:08.200 --> 00:33:14.500
One, two, three. We have no journalistic integrity.
00:33:16.180 --> 00:33:17.859
We love you and we'll see you next week.