Host
00:00:00A lot more tactics and strategies and statistics are driving every decision that's being made.
Host
00:00:06And we're losing touch with intuition and vulnerability and emotion and emotional intelligence.
Emil Deconnick
00:00:10Can understand all the tactics and be like, okay, I need to do this or that.
Emil Deconnick
00:00:14But then if your decision making is off because you're focused on something else that's outside of your control, that also shows that the mental side of it, it really impacts all of those three areas.
Emil Deconnick
00:00:24I have a story you tell and I hope that I can inspire other people through this podcast.
Emil Deconnick
00:00:29The competition, the rivalry, like self worth, self confidence, those were things that I was struggling with.
Emil Deconnick
00:00:34A lot of people have been asking me already, like, what's the difference between the States and in Belgium, sports wise, for example, if you're an expert in something, let it be an expert in connecting with people.
Host
00:00:56Welcome to the evolving Potential podcast.
Host
00:00:58This is episode number 24.
Host
00:01:01Today I have on the show Emil Deconnick.
Host
00:01:04Emil is a mental performance coach out of Belgium.
Host
00:01:07He's a former D1 and semi professional soccer slash football player.
Host
00:01:12He traveled and attended California Baptist University, which is the D1 school where he received his master's degree in sports and performance psychology.
Host
00:01:19Also played soccer there, slash football in Belgium.
Host
00:01:22He was a team captain for three years in a row.
Host
00:01:24He won two national championships and played multiple international tournaments.
Host
00:01:30He now works with oh, Leuven.
Host
00:01:31I hope I'm saying that right.
Host
00:01:33A professional soccer club in Belgium, as well as for the Royal Victory Hockey Club, which is a field hockey team, and a cycling organization known as NXTG Racing, supporting female cyclists from both the Netherlands and Belgium.
Host
00:01:48His work helps athletes develop resilience, overcome psychological challenges and.
Host
00:01:52And find mental well being.
Host
00:01:54Thank you for being here with us, man.
Emil Deconnick
00:01:56You're welcome.
Emil Deconnick
00:01:57Thank you for inviting me.
Host
00:01:59Absolutely.
Host
00:01:59So right now he's in Oregon, which is kind of cool, actually.
Host
00:02:01He's.
Host
00:02:02He's traveled abroad just to be closer for the interview.
Host
00:02:05No, no, he's hanging out with his girlfriend.
Host
00:02:07So I'm, I'm happy for him.
Host
00:02:08It's awesome.
Host
00:02:09He's getting a little vacation, doing a podcast.
Host
00:02:11But thank you for being here on your vacation, man.
Host
00:02:13Appreciate you.
Emil Deconnick
00:02:14Yeah, no worries.
Emil Deconnick
00:02:15I really wanted to do this, so I, I'm glad to take time to do this for you.
Host
00:02:20That's awesome that I can kind of, you know, create even.
Host
00:02:23Even if it's a small platform, a little platform for some of the coaches that are beginning out as well.
Host
00:02:27I mean, you honestly seem like you're.
Host
00:02:28You're hitting the ground running, which, which I'm really Proud of you, you know, as a, as an older gentleman, you know, to see, to see you doing that, because I'm sitting here kind of dragging my feet and, you know, getting things going slowly.
Host
00:02:39So why don't you kind of start talking about some of this stuff.
Host
00:02:41We can go back to soccer in a second.
Host
00:02:43But what is, what's some of the stuff you're doing now, you know, pushing yourself to get into and you've recently gotten into with the mental performance coaching?
Emil Deconnick
00:02:51Yeah, like, like you said, I, I only just started.
Emil Deconnick
00:02:54So for me it's all real, like really new too.
Emil Deconnick
00:02:58And it's really a matter of like building things from the ground, you know, starting from scratch.
Emil Deconnick
00:03:03But I have to say that within the last couple of months I've been doing really well for myself and, and the fact that I'm still young, um, it's, it's kind of cool to see how, how many things I've been doing already and the things you said, like one of those things are I'm working for a soccer team.
Emil Deconnick
00:03:19Like, I have like a, not a full time contract, but just a contract for a year in which I'm, I'm there for like every Wednesday and teach the kids.
Emil Deconnick
00:03:28So I'm working with youth levels, so in the youth academy with them on like mental, mental performance, you know, mental performance skills, all those things.
Emil Deconnick
00:03:38The hockey team, as you mentioned, and then the cycling organization, those are all things that I'm working on and working with.
Emil Deconnick
00:03:44But then besides that, I'm also trying to, you know, work with individual athletes too, that come my way.
Emil Deconnick
00:03:50They're like, hey, I wanna, I wanna see what you can do for me then, then I'll try to like help them in one on one sessions.
Emil Deconnick
00:03:56But that's basically what I've been doing up to this point to this day.
Emil Deconnick
00:04:01Again, I'm, I'm still very fresh.
Emil Deconnick
00:04:03Like I'm a newbie, but I'm loving it.
Emil Deconnick
00:04:06And it's really fun to build a reputation for myself and make a name for myself.
Emil Deconnick
00:04:13And in these, what is it?
Emil Deconnick
00:04:15Like, last five to six months, I've been really growing already as a mental performance coach.
Emil Deconnick
00:04:22And I also really, really like that you, you invited me to this podcast.
Emil Deconnick
00:04:26When I look at like other names that you've already had your podcast, like, I'm like, why would he want me on this podcast?
Emil Deconnick
00:04:34Right.
Emil Deconnick
00:04:35But I actually feel like I have a lot to say.
Emil Deconnick
00:04:37Like I have a story to tell and, and I hope that I can inspire other people through this podcast.
Emil Deconnick
00:04:43Just explain a little bit what it is that I do.
Emil Deconnick
00:04:46I'm not a doctor yet or don't have any major experiences yet, like in terms of coaching, but I still have a good story to tell and, and I'm really glad that I have this opportunity, opportunity to do just that.
Emil Deconnick
00:04:59So thank you.
Host
00:05:00Yeah, absolutely.
Host
00:05:01And it's.
Host
00:05:02And it's all about creating more perspectives for people and then also creating that, that path into mental performance coaching for other people who might be interested, you know, which it doesn't include people being at the end stages and, you know, presenting to thousands of people and making thousands of dollars per hour, you know, doing this, which is awesome to get to talk to those people, but it's also awesome to talk to someone like yourself who's like, on the ground, in the trenches by grinding, you know, and that's kind of where the entrepreneurship comes in as well, is like, you have a certain mindset around contacting all these different people, trying to, you know, solicit for better, you know, lack of a better word, your services, you know, to people, you know, with, with the belief that they do work and with the belief that you can follow through given whatever challenge that may be.
Host
00:05:46Because, I mean, you're, you're getting put into situations, you have no idea what they're going to expect of you.
Host
00:05:50You know, how, how open people are going to be to it.
Host
00:05:53And so that's kind of what I'm curious about as well, is like, you know, the coach or the director or whatever for these sports teams is bringing you in, but the athlete themselves may not be particularly ready for that or asking for that.
Host
00:06:05And so how are you kind of getting people to buy in to something like this?
Host
00:06:09As you go in and you give a workshop, you know, how do you feel like you're able to create, buy in?
Emil Deconnick
00:06:15That's a really good question.
Emil Deconnick
00:06:17I'm gonna talk about like, the, the sports or the soccer team that I'm working for, because I'm working with guys or kids really, that are 13, 14, 15 years old.
Emil Deconnick
00:06:28And especially in that age category, it's could be really hard to make sure that they even understand what it is that I do and then also really buy in and do something with the things that I tell them.
Emil Deconnick
00:06:40And so what I really try to do with that group, with that age category is make it fun, but then also obviously make it as relatable to their sport and their context as.
Emil Deconnick
00:06:50As possible.
Emil Deconnick
00:06:51The fact that I have my background in, in soccer really helps for them to see, okay, he, he knows what he's talking about, you know, in terms of soccer or football, as I said, because in Belgium, we.
Emil Deconnick
00:07:04We say football.
Emil Deconnick
00:07:07So they, they see that, they can feel that, okay, he.
Emil Deconnick
00:07:09He knows what he's talking about.
Emil Deconnick
00:07:11And hey, maybe we can learn something of, like, what it is that he does, you know, the mental side of, of all of it.
Emil Deconnick
00:07:18And pretty quickly they, like, as I'm talking about my own experiences, they feel and see, hey, I'm also kind of struggling with that a little bit, right?
Emil Deconnick
00:07:27Oh, he, he had some stress before, before a game, and like, he couldn't really.
Emil Deconnick
00:07:32He didn't really know what to do, or he did it this way or that way.
Emil Deconnick
00:07:35And then kids are like, hey, I also feel that.
Emil Deconnick
00:07:38And I also wonder what I could do in that situation.
Emil Deconnick
00:07:41Or kids then, you know, get frustrated really quickly.
Emil Deconnick
00:07:44Why is that?
Emil Deconnick
00:07:45And so as I'm talking through that, they get to see what they're experiencing themselves.
Emil Deconnick
00:07:54And then maybe they still don't really know what mental coaching is or mental training could be, but it opens the door for them to be curious and, you know, be ready and willing to, to learn more.
Emil Deconnick
00:08:06And that's really what I'm trying to do, plant those seeds.
Emil Deconnick
00:08:09Especially with those young ages.
Emil Deconnick
00:08:11I'm not expecting everyone to be, you know, doing a visualization exercise every training or every, every game or, you know, using breathing exercises.
Emil Deconnick
00:08:24Obviously, that's the, that's the goal.
Emil Deconnick
00:08:26Right?
Emil Deconnick
00:08:26But I'm not expecting everyone to do that because not everyone's ready for that yet in that age category, but just in general as well, like older athletes as well.
Emil Deconnick
00:08:38And so it's just my goal is really to one, make them feel safe.
Emil Deconnick
00:08:42Like, if they want to talk about stuff or if they feel like they want help with something, they feel safe enough to ask for it and be vulnerable and, and just approach me and then also just plant those seeds in cases that when they feel like they need something, they already know something, they.
Emil Deconnick
00:09:02They could try something and that way help themselves and regulate their own emotions, regulate their stress.
Emil Deconnick
00:09:08Stress levels.
Emil Deconnick
00:09:10That's really what I'm trying to do.
Host
00:09:13That's, that's.
Host
00:09:14That was a great answer as well.
Host
00:09:15And it's, it's like, you know, there is no straight answer, which is a great answer, you know, but it's like, to create and kind of talk about some of the distinction there and some of the things that you are doing, which is like, relating personally to people and storytelling, which I think is obviously incredibly powerful.
Host
00:09:31You know, creating the safe space for them is.
Host
00:09:33Is huge.
Host
00:09:34And that's where the Is like, you don't have to be necessarily the expert in anything.
Host
00:09:38And I've caught, I found myself getting caught up in this as well as feeling like I need to be an expert in something when in reality it's like you just have to have gone through that thing and we've all kind of gone through the psychological challenges and stuff.
Host
00:09:51And so if you kind of have some solutions in hand and you can relate and tell your story, talk about the problem, you know, present a solution, then it's like you can get, you can get buy in from somebody that way.
Host
00:10:02Which is, which is incredibly awesome.
Emil Deconnick
00:10:03Yeah, I would say that it's the most powerful tool.
Emil Deconnick
00:10:06Like, and if you're an expert in something, let it be an expert in connecting with people and make sure that they feel that you care and they feel that you want that connection and they feel safe enough to have that connection.
Emil Deconnick
00:10:20And from there, like, there's so much you can do, but that's where it starts.
Emil Deconnick
00:10:25Like, you can't really tell them what to do or be like, hey, try this or try that.
Emil Deconnick
00:10:29If, if they're not ready for it or they don't like you as a person or they don't have that connection, they're not gonna take what you, you tell them.
Emil Deconnick
00:10:39So I would say that that's the, that's the most most important thing.
Host
00:10:43Yeah, no one cares until they know how much you care.
Emil Deconnick
00:10:47That's also what I've experienced as well.
Emil Deconnick
00:10:49Like, I don't remember what my coaches told me in terms of like, tactics or, you know, technical stuff within soccer, but I do remember how coaches make me feel.
Emil Deconnick
00:11:00Right.
Emil Deconnick
00:11:01And so that emotional, like, aspect of it, like the connection that we have, that relational bond between a coach and then a coachee is, is really, really important and really, really something that they will take with them for, for the rest of their lives.
Emil Deconnick
00:11:18If they feel like, hey, I can be vulnerable here, then that's hopefully something that they can take with them in further relations, relationships as well.
Host
00:11:27Yeah, dude, that's.
Host
00:11:28Then that's a powerful insight right there.
Host
00:11:30Because I think that, you know, something that I've personally studied and found is that the world has kind of shifted a lot more towards left brain type thinking.
Host
00:11:37I don't know if that's the same thing over there.
Host
00:11:39I know it definitely is.
Host
00:11:39On the western side, a lot more tactics and strategies and statistics are driving every decision, you know, that's being made.
Host
00:11:48And we're losing touch with intuition and vulnerability and emotion, you know, emotional intelligence.
Host
00:11:53And so to have like you know, to validate someone's emotions that they're feeling.
Host
00:11:57Hey, yes, this is stressful, you know, to be vulnerable and tell your own story, you know, into.
Host
00:12:01And to also get them to understand that ultimately, you know, you may want all these tactics, you may want all these strategies.
Host
00:12:06Maybe that's even what you're researching online, you know what I mean?
Host
00:12:09Like back that you're like a midfielder or whatever your position is.
Host
00:12:12It's like, you know, tactics, tactics to, you know, be the best infielder.
Host
00:12:15And it's like, it's all strategies, you know, as opposed to like a mindset or a way of approaching the situation in general.
Host
00:12:22And so like really getting people to understand that, like, the important stuff is not necessarily the tactics that your coach is telling you.
Host
00:12:28And you're going to forget a lot of that stuff.
Host
00:12:31You know, what you're not forget is where you're supported, you know, where you've seen as a, as a whole, where you're seen as more than an athlete, you know, and that's, that's a, that's a big thing that I know you probably focus on as well is like being more than an athlete, you know?
Emil Deconnick
00:12:43Yeah.
Emil Deconnick
00:12:43And that is the, like, the first thing I, I tell my, you know, the kids that I'm coaching or even the coaches that I'm coaching, I.
Emil Deconnick
00:12:50So I always have this like, graph, I guess, and I've showed them, okay, you have tactics, technical stuff, and then also the physical stuff.
Emil Deconnick
00:12:57Really.
Emil Deconnick
00:12:58And I tell them that a lot of coaches are focused on those three things, which is good, but none of those three things would exist.
Emil Deconnick
00:13:06Or, or you can, you can't really perform in those three areas without the mental stuff.
Emil Deconnick
00:13:10Like, you can be, technically you can be really good, but if you feel down or you're not confident, you're not going to be able to show what you, you can do toxically too.
Emil Deconnick
00:13:19Like, you can understand all the tactics and be like, okay, I need to do this or that.
Emil Deconnick
00:13:23But then if your decision making is off because you're focused on something else that's outside of your control, that also shows that the mental side of it, it really impacts all of those three areas.
Emil Deconnick
00:13:33And so what we should really do is focus on the mental stuff first and then eventually all those three areas, or we will be able to perform better in all those three areas.
Emil Deconnick
00:13:44So that's kind of when I, that's really the first message that I give my, my kids, which is my coaches and the coaches, we really need to focus on the mental stuff first.
Emil Deconnick
00:13:55And then we can really dive deeper into those other three areas.
Emil Deconnick
00:14:01And I hope that that way they.
Emil Deconnick
00:14:02They really understand.
Emil Deconnick
00:14:03And you can see that they really understand, too.
Emil Deconnick
00:14:05They're like, hey, I have experienced trouble in all of these three areas.
Emil Deconnick
00:14:09And it's not because I'm not a good soccer player.
Emil Deconnick
00:14:12It's not because I don't understand the tactics, or it's not because I'm not physically strong enough.
Emil Deconnick
00:14:17It's purely because of what my mental game is like.
Emil Deconnick
00:14:21And so once they see that, they will.
Emil Deconnick
00:14:23They will be more curious and they will reach out to me more.
Emil Deconnick
00:14:27So.
Host
00:14:27Yeah, and when it's like, oh, you have.
Host
00:14:29Especially when it's like, oh, you have tactics for that, like, there's a way of.
Host
00:14:32There's a way of working on that.
Emil Deconnick
00:14:34And that's a whole new world that opens for them.
Host
00:14:37So.
Host
00:14:37Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Host
00:14:38Your story just reminded me, like, there's a.
Host
00:14:39There's a guy who was talking about, like, the aspect of almost like, selling mental performance coaching, you know, getting people to understand how important it is.
Host
00:14:45And he was talking about, like, hey, you know, I want you to take out a piece of paper, and I want you to write down all of the.
Host
00:14:50The best aspects of.
Host
00:14:51Of your best player, whatever it is.
Host
00:14:53It's like, you know, you got a star player, you know, the most dream player on your team, you know, describe him, you know, and then, like, end up circling how many of those words are.
Host
00:15:01Are a mindset, you know, it's like, oh, character, you know, grit, you know, integrity, you know, disciplined, you know, whatever it is.
Host
00:15:10And so it's like, intelligence, you know, quick learner.
Host
00:15:13All these different things that are all mental aspects that we don't really work on.
Host
00:15:17And we just kind of hope that those players show up with those qualities.
Host
00:15:21You know, we don't really know how to develop them.
Emil Deconnick
00:15:25And then that's.
Emil Deconnick
00:15:25That's.
Emil Deconnick
00:15:26That's the misconception that there is still too.
Emil Deconnick
00:15:28Like, they feel like players either have those mental qualities or they don't.
Emil Deconnick
00:15:33Like, they're.
Emil Deconnick
00:15:33It's almost as if they inherited them and they're born with those qualities.
Emil Deconnick
00:15:37But it's really something that we can develop and something that we can train.
Emil Deconnick
00:15:40And that is something that we have to explain to coaches.
Host
00:15:45Yeah.
Emil Deconnick
00:15:45Because why would you, like, if you only have one of.
Emil Deconnick
00:15:48One of a player like that?
Emil Deconnick
00:15:49Like, why wouldn't we make the whole team like that?
Emil Deconnick
00:15:53Right.
Emil Deconnick
00:15:54And that's really something that we can do.
Host
00:15:56And I think it goes the flip side as well.
Host
00:15:58And so that's Something that like I was talking to one of my guests about in the past was, you know, neuroplasticity goes both ways.
Host
00:16:05And so it's like you could have a player who is amazing, got a great mindset, and the stuff starts getting to him and then next thing you know, he doesn't.
Host
00:16:11And so that has to be worked on just as much proactively, know before stuff like that happened.
Host
00:16:16So I know this great story of this guy, Bill Beswick, who used to work with David Beckham, and he talked about how like, he got the fame just really, really got to him.
Host
00:16:25He almost like completely lost it and everything.
Host
00:16:28So it's like, you know, just as much important for someone who may have like, grown up and gotten through all their youth with a great mindset.
Host
00:16:36Now they're into professionals and now, oh no, like money, fame, contracts, you know, relationship issues, kids, you know, it's like, oh no, you can't, you can't really continue that way without tools in the toolbox.
Emil Deconnick
00:16:49You know, it's a, it's a constant process, right?
Emil Deconnick
00:16:51Like it's, it's not something we're never done really.
Emil Deconnick
00:16:55It's not like, okay, here, here it is.
Emil Deconnick
00:16:57Like, we're good.
Emil Deconnick
00:16:58It's like you said, like, there's so many things that could happen to us and then we need to adjust and, and, and make sure that we still thrive and overcome those challenges that come at us.
Emil Deconnick
00:17:10And the mental part of that is obviously really huge.
Emil Deconnick
00:17:13And so, yeah, it's definitely, it's definitely a process, but that's why we give them the tools so that they, we won't always be there to help them.
Emil Deconnick
00:17:21But if we give them the tools, they eventually will be able to help themselves and regulate themselves.
Emil Deconnick
00:17:28And then in times when stuff do happen, then they can know, help themselves really.
Emil Deconnick
00:17:34And I think that is what we should really try to do.
Emil Deconnick
00:17:38We're not there to like, hold their hands and show him how or what to do, right?
Emil Deconnick
00:17:43But you just want them to give the tools so that they can help themselves.
Emil Deconnick
00:17:47Really.
Emil Deconnick
00:17:47That's, that's what we should do.
Host
00:17:50That's.
Host
00:17:50And that's what's crazy about the tools, which is.
Host
00:17:54Which I've always kind of think is, is funny.
Host
00:17:55And so one of my missions, you know, with, with this podcast too, has been to connect together like the holistic Eastern mindfulness, you know, Zen type stuff to like a success oriented high performers, you know, who don't really understand how they connect, you know, and how we're really blocking ourselves from performing our best with, with all these different things.
Host
00:18:18And so it's really cool to know that, like, there is a solid connection there and we can make it through this and giving them the breath work and the mindfulness and all these things as actual tools, not just like a hooey, you know, thing, you know, where it's like, oh, you know, just, you'll feel better, you'll be more at peace.
Host
00:18:35Inner peace.
Host
00:18:36What is that?
Host
00:18:36You know what I mean?
Host
00:18:37Like, it's like, well, what about, what about resilience?
Host
00:18:40You know, what about grit?
Host
00:18:40And like all those things are hand in hand with being able to regulate yourself, you know, potentially breathing and visualizing and being mindful.
Host
00:18:48All those things create, create those powers just as much as they do know.
Host
00:18:52Inner peace, if you will, you know.
Emil Deconnick
00:18:54Yeah, absolutely.
Emil Deconnick
00:18:56That's really powerful.
Host
00:18:58So why don't you talk about your, your story of maybe what got you super into mental performance coaching and, you know, some of the struggles with soccer and, and all that?
Emil Deconnick
00:19:08Yeah, well, I mean, as you mentioned, like, I've.
Emil Deconnick
00:19:12I've been a semi professional soccer player for a little bit.
Emil Deconnick
00:19:17And, and before that, I really, I always played at the highest level here, here in Belgium, like in the youth academies.
Emil Deconnick
00:19:23And I could tell that the mental part was gonna, was getting really, really important for me.
Emil Deconnick
00:19:30Like, I could, I could feel that as a player I was like, I know I have qualities and I have my talents, but there's something that is keeping me from reaching my full potential or there's something that is, that is bothering me, me a little bit.
Emil Deconnick
00:19:43Like stuff that happened that don't let me play the way I want to play.
Emil Deconnick
00:19:47And so I really early on felt like I needed to work on the mental side of it too.
Emil Deconnick
00:19:53And especially in Belgium, that's not something that's out there yet.
Emil Deconnick
00:19:58But I was really curious and I wanted to know more.
Emil Deconnick
00:20:01And so I started reading books, I started reading or listening to podcasts, like all those things.
Emil Deconnick
00:20:05I was really interested and I wanted to learn more.
Emil Deconnick
00:20:09And in that regard, I was also really interested in what the brain was like and like, why do people behave this way or like another way.
Emil Deconnick
00:20:17And so through soccer, but then also probably a little bit through who I am really and like, what my personality is like.
Emil Deconnick
00:20:24I found myself really interested in everything that had to do with the human brain, human interactions, human behavior, and then how we can use those or use that knowledge to perform even better, you know, like the positive psychology, if you will.
Host
00:20:40Yeah.
Emil Deconnick
00:20:41And so I started, I started learning or started to go to college doing clinical Psychology.
Emil Deconnick
00:20:49And that's really where I already had that idea of using psychology specifically within the sports context to make sure that athletes can perform even better.
Emil Deconnick
00:21:00And so I started with a clinical bachelor in clinical psychology and then eventually had the opportunity to go to the United States.
Emil Deconnick
00:21:07I had a full scholarship to play soccer here in the States and then also do my master's in sport and performance psychology.
Emil Deconnick
00:21:16So it was a real, like, full circle moment, you know, where I was a student, a student of the game first.
Host
00:21:22Right.
Emil Deconnick
00:21:22I was a player and I felt all those experiences and I felt those struggles, and eventually that led me to understanding my own mental game and now trying to help others with their mental gain.
Emil Deconnick
00:21:37But that's really where it like, all stems from.
Emil Deconnick
00:21:39Like, I felt that I really needed mental.
Emil Deconnick
00:21:42Mental training, mental coaching.
Emil Deconnick
00:21:44As a player myself, I just got really curious and I just.
Emil Deconnick
00:21:48It's kind of, I wouldn't say a hobby or, or an interest that grew out of proportion.
Emil Deconnick
00:21:54Like, I was so invested in it that I eventually, like, I feel like what I'm doing now or the studies that I've done, I mean, it just all makes sense.
Emil Deconnick
00:22:03It all comes down to this point where I can now help other people.
Emil Deconnick
00:22:07That's really how I feel.
Host
00:22:08That's gonna be a good feeling.
Host
00:22:10Yeah.
Host
00:22:10That's awesome.
Host
00:22:12So was there any specific issues?
Host
00:22:15I.
Host
00:22:15I suppose that you.
Host
00:22:16You'd say that you remember at the time that were really particularly bugging you, that it was just like, man, I.
Host
00:22:21I don't really have the energy to practice or every time a game comes, I'm choking or like, you know, what were kind of like the, the pain points, I suppose, because in my opinion, you were probably getting poked in those pain points, you know, which is what leads someone to be like, you know, okay, let me go find some solutions.
Host
00:22:38You know, this hurts.
Emil Deconnick
00:22:40Yeah, no, I always had a hard time dealing with competition, like rivalry, like all those kind of things.
Emil Deconnick
00:22:49And obviously in the soccer world, even at a young age, it's all about that really.
Emil Deconnick
00:22:54Like, you're constantly, constantly being evaluated by your coaches.
Emil Deconnick
00:22:58It's like whole.
Emil Deconnick
00:22:59There's a whole system that is evaluating you and, and is looking at your performances even at a very young age.
Emil Deconnick
00:23:07And so they always tell you, oh, it's not about winning, but you feel as a kid that it is about winning and it is about performing because you see kids come in like one year, and then maybe that same year or the next year, they're dismissed from the team.
Emil Deconnick
00:23:21And so you as a young kid, like, you start feeling that it's really important to perform.
Host
00:23:26Yeah.
Emil Deconnick
00:23:27By the, by the environment and within the team, within the club, but then also from your parents a little too.
Emil Deconnick
00:23:33And so I always had a really hard time dealing with that probably maybe a little because of like, who I am too.
Emil Deconnick
00:23:40Like, I'm very analytical.
Emil Deconnick
00:23:41Like, I was always thinking about, like, these stuff or as always, like, looking into it way too much.
Emil Deconnick
00:23:47I was like, seeing things that were probably, that probably weren't there, but I was like, I was so focused on that, on like, I'm gonna make sure that my teammates, like, don't hate me or, you know, so I was like a really people pleaser in that sense.
Emil Deconnick
00:24:05And I had a lot of trouble, like, dealing with that, with all the competition and rivalries, even within a team.
Emil Deconnick
00:24:13And so I, I wanted to learn ways to not get rid of that, but deal better with that, with that feeling.
Emil Deconnick
00:24:22And obviously, like, self word, like self confidence is all like, tied into that because when you're being evaluated all the time, you don't really.
Emil Deconnick
00:24:30You don't really have an opinion of your own.
Emil Deconnick
00:24:33You.
Emil Deconnick
00:24:33You're using the language and the opinions that other people have on about you.
Host
00:24:38Yeah.
Emil Deconnick
00:24:38And that's kind of what makes your self worth.
Emil Deconnick
00:24:40So I was struggling with that a little bit because I was always looking at other people.
Emil Deconnick
00:24:47Hey, did I perform well?
Emil Deconnick
00:24:48And so obviously on the long term, that's not good for you.
Emil Deconnick
00:24:53And so I realized that really quickly and I wanted to, I wanted to improve that, wanted to work on that.
Emil Deconnick
00:24:58But yeah, really, the competition, the rivalry, like, self word, self confidence, those were things that I was struggling with a little bit.
Emil Deconnick
00:25:06Everything that had to do with like performing and competing, that was something that I didn't really like.
Emil Deconnick
00:25:11But then the reasons why it was like I was in soccer for such a long time is that I really love, like, the process part of it and like working on myself, feeling that I'm getting better at something.
Emil Deconnick
00:25:24I was really living for that and it was really living for soccer.
Emil Deconnick
00:25:27I did everything I could to just make sure that I'm.
Emil Deconnick
00:25:30I'm a better player and better human being.
Emil Deconnick
00:25:33And I love that.
Emil Deconnick
00:25:35Like, I love like grinding and working even when no one was there.
Emil Deconnick
00:25:39I was in like, and my parents too.
Emil Deconnick
00:25:42Like, we invested so much in my own development so that I could perform better.
Emil Deconnick
00:25:48But there you already have the distinction between process and an outcome.
Emil Deconnick
00:25:52Right.
Emil Deconnick
00:25:52Like, everything that had to do with outcome and performing and competing is something that I absolutely hated.
Emil Deconnick
00:25:57And I could feel that in games too.
Emil Deconnick
00:25:59I didn't like every kid you, if you would ask a question or if you would ask every kid what they like most about soccer or sports in general.
Emil Deconnick
00:26:08It's, it's competing, it's games.
Emil Deconnick
00:26:10But I always, I always hated that a little bit.
Emil Deconnick
00:26:13But then on the other hand, like practices and training sessions and, and doing stuff for myself, like lifestyle wise or like mindset wise, I love doing those things and I loved investing in all of that.
Emil Deconnick
00:26:25And so that's really where it got really difficult for me because I loved practicing so much and I had the talent and I love the feeling of getting better.
Emil Deconnick
00:26:38But then when game day comes, I was really not feeling it or I was so stressed, I was choking up, really, I still managed.
Emil Deconnick
00:26:49To the outside world, I probably managed really well.
Emil Deconnick
00:26:52Like, they probably thought, oh, he's doing well.
Emil Deconnick
00:26:54But in practice, yeah, inside it was.
Emil Deconnick
00:26:59I was always dying a little bit.
Emil Deconnick
00:27:00Like, I really hated it.
Emil Deconnick
00:27:02Like playing games.
Emil Deconnick
00:27:04I mean, yes, obviously there are games that things do go.
Emil Deconnick
00:27:09They do go right, or they go well.
Emil Deconnick
00:27:13So it's not like I hated it every time, but usually.
Emil Deconnick
00:27:16And just in general, like, I, I didn't really like games or, or having that, that competing mindset and, and you have to be better than another person or they're going to kick you out of the team and you have to.
Emil Deconnick
00:27:28I, I didn't like that at all.
Emil Deconnick
00:27:30And so I struggled.
Host
00:27:33Yeah.
Host
00:27:33Yeah, that's, that's something that I, I wouldn't even necessarily think about, you know, first thing when it comes to, you know, performance anxiety or anything like that, or the inter, interpersonal stuff that's going on, you know, behind the scenes, really, where it's like, as a good person, which you seem like you are.
Host
00:27:48Nice guy, like you, you'd almost feel bad for your friends, you're getting cut.
Host
00:27:52You know what I mean?
Host
00:27:52And you're like, I'm.
Host
00:27:53I'm sorry.
Emil Deconnick
00:27:55Really sensitive for those kind of things.
Emil Deconnick
00:27:57And it's funny, but, because they always, like my dad, for example, or like coaches too, they always told me that they're like, you're too nice.
Emil Deconnick
00:28:06And I started seeing that as a negative thing.
Emil Deconnick
00:28:08Oh, I'm too nice in this, in this soccer world, I'm too nice of a person.
Emil Deconnick
00:28:13But now I started to realize, no, it's, that's not the way it should be.
Emil Deconnick
00:28:17Like, I am nice.
Emil Deconnick
00:28:19That's who I am.
Emil Deconnick
00:28:19And that's a quality, that's a strength.
Emil Deconnick
00:28:21And if that doesn't fit with this soccer world, then so be it.
Emil Deconnick
00:28:25Like, I don't want to be a part of it.
Emil Deconnick
00:28:26Anymore.
Emil Deconnick
00:28:27But the fact that they always told me that I was being nice and they made it seem like it was a negative thing like that just.
Emil Deconnick
00:28:34That bothered me a little bit.
Emil Deconnick
00:28:35Like, why can I just be the way I am?
Emil Deconnick
00:28:37Like, this is.
Emil Deconnick
00:28:38This is who I am.
Emil Deconnick
00:28:39I am a nice person.
Emil Deconnick
00:28:40I am very sensitive to these kind of things.
Emil Deconnick
00:28:42I am very analytical.
Emil Deconnick
00:28:44But why would that not work within this soccer room?
Emil Deconnick
00:28:47Yeah, that's something that always kept me thinking.
Emil Deconnick
00:28:52I was like, why?
Emil Deconnick
00:28:53Why is that?
Host
00:28:54Yeah, that's got to be a tough one, man.
Host
00:28:56It's kind of reminds me of like, the.
Host
00:28:57The saying, like, being in.
Host
00:28:59In the world, but not of the world.
Host
00:29:00And so it's like, you know, to teach someone potentially maybe, you know, to find a way to be on that soccer team and performing your best and finding, you know, through the.
Host
00:29:10Through the practice of perfecting your process and really enjoying the process, you know, and as people get cut, you just find a way to not take it personally, you know, and like, really just like, hey, you know, you.
Host
00:29:20You worked your hardest.
Host
00:29:21And.
Host
00:29:21And they will get another opportunity at a different time.
Host
00:29:24That's their path.
Host
00:29:25Your path is your thing.
Host
00:29:27And.
Host
00:29:27And that's led you here to not getting cut.
Host
00:29:30And that's great.
Host
00:29:30I mean, it's like, if you would have been cut, I'd still love you too.
Host
00:29:33Like, then from the parents.
Host
00:29:34And so that's a tough thing to really like for you to kind of exist as a.
Host
00:29:39As a single entity within itself side of the team that is creating all that pressure for you.
Host
00:29:46And you're like, you know, I'm not going to really fall into that pressure.
Host
00:29:49I'm just gonna.
Host
00:29:49I'm just gonna stay focused on the process.
Host
00:29:51But in my opinion, that's what made you so great.
Host
00:29:53You're talking about being team captain three years in a row and always being one of the elite players, you know, on the team.
Host
00:29:58It's like, well, you love.
Host
00:29:59You love the process.
Host
00:30:00And so that's something that I think that's very powerful that you can teach and own within yourself, you know, from a place of humility is like, hey, you know, I was really good because this is what I did.
Host
00:30:10I just loved the process.
Emil Deconnick
00:30:12Yeah.
Emil Deconnick
00:30:12And then also that, like, you said those interpersonal things, right?
Emil Deconnick
00:30:17Like, I was really sensitive to those kind of things, and I really cared for my teammates.
Emil Deconnick
00:30:21And so the fact that I was team captain also probably had to do with.
Emil Deconnick
00:30:25With that.
Emil Deconnick
00:30:26With that.
Emil Deconnick
00:30:26Right.
Emil Deconnick
00:30:27So I was.
Emil Deconnick
00:30:27That's just kind of who I was.
Emil Deconnick
00:30:29And.
Emil Deconnick
00:30:30And it's funny because looking back at it, I'm asking myself the question, do we really like the fact that I didn't make it as a professional football player, soccer player?
Emil Deconnick
00:30:42Like, is that because I couldn't find a way to have that grit or, like, have that competitive mindset?
Emil Deconnick
00:30:51Or is that because the system didn't really allow me to just be me?
Emil Deconnick
00:30:54And then making it as, as a pro?
Emil Deconnick
00:30:57Like, is that a necessity to have that, like, competitive mindset all the time, despite what others are like or what others feel like?
Emil Deconnick
00:31:06You have to be very egocentric.
Emil Deconnick
00:31:08Is that what is necessary to make it as a pro?
Emil Deconnick
00:31:11That's the kind of question that I've been asking myself, and I still don't really know the answer.
Emil Deconnick
00:31:15I really hope still, that there is a way where athletes can just be themselves and have those strengths, whether that's being introverted, extroverted, whatever, but they could still, with their, with the strengths that they have, make it as a, as a pro, like, in a competitive environment.
Emil Deconnick
00:31:32I, I like to think that that's still possible for me.
Emil Deconnick
00:31:35It.
Emil Deconnick
00:31:36I mean, that's where the story ended.
Emil Deconnick
00:31:38But I learned so much about myself and, and about what the soccer world is like.
Emil Deconnick
00:31:43And I really hope that we can find a way in which people can be the way they are or just be themselves, really, and then also thrive in an environment where there is a lot of pressure and there is a lot of competitiveness.
Emil Deconnick
00:31:58But that's something that I've been not struggling with, but something that I've been thinking about lately.
Host
00:32:03Yeah, no, and that's.
Host
00:32:04And that's something that's really important.
Host
00:32:05I think that for people like yourselves to be able to teach coaches, that's again, you know, more of an interpersonal skill, is understanding that, like, each person has almost like there is a collective soil, if you will.
Host
00:32:17That is, the nutrients are providing, you know, things to the plants which are helping them to grow either to their fullest or to a more.
Host
00:32:26The soil is dead and there's not a lot of nutrients there.
Host
00:32:28It's going to grow small, weak, you know, whatever.
Host
00:32:30And so.
Host
00:32:31But again, it's like each person is also a different plant almost entirely.
Host
00:32:35And so it's like being that almost gardener tending to the garden of all the different athletes.
Host
00:32:40It's incred.
Host
00:32:41It got to be incredibly hard, and that has to be respected.
Host
00:32:43You know, it's like you've got, let's say, 20 people on a team, 40 people on a team.
Host
00:32:47And that's like those are a bunch of different personalities, and each one of Those kids needs something slightly different to perform their best, as you're saying, and to be intuitive enough to understand that is something that should really be promoted.
Host
00:32:58And that's like emotional intelligence as well, and leader and leadership, you know, too, as knowing, yeah, this person needs.
Host
00:33:05You know, John Wooden talks a lot about this.
Host
00:33:07It's like one person needs sugar because it's like they have a really hard at home.
Host
00:33:10They just need you to be nice to them.
Host
00:33:12They just need a safe space and another person has it too easy at home and they just need you to lay down the law and like, be more serious and be more strict with them and show them that you care through that way.
Host
00:33:22And so it's like that to me, yeah, it's, it's.
Host
00:33:24That's the bread and butter right there.
Host
00:33:25Is, is to, to build those relationships for teachers, for leaders, for coaches, for parents.
Host
00:33:33How do we really, like, understand people so well that we can provide them with the needs that will allow them to grow into the biggest and best plant they could possibly be?
Emil Deconnick
00:33:42And that's such a, such a hard thing and such a fine line too, between being authentic as a coach and having your own style, really, but then also understanding that you need to be flexible depending on the player that is in front of you.
Emil Deconnick
00:33:59And like you said, like, you need to, in your approach, like, you need to change a little bit when you're talking to this kid and, and when you're talking to that kid.
Emil Deconnick
00:34:08And so that's, I think that's.
Emil Deconnick
00:34:10Must be really hard for coaches, and it's something that we can support them with, like having that authenticity, like having their own style as a coach, but then in that style being able to, you know, change their style a little bit just depending on, on the, on the player that is in front of them.
Emil Deconnick
00:34:26I think that's, that's going to be really, really important.
Emil Deconnick
00:34:29I, for example, had a coach like in my last year actually, and that's kind of how I decided to quit soccer.
Emil Deconnick
00:34:36I had a coach who at one point he was like telling me, dad, he doesn't really care about the, the player or the person behind the player.
Emil Deconnick
00:34:46You're a player, like, especially in the environment.
Emil Deconnick
00:34:48I was on like under 23, so it's like the second team of a first.
Emil Deconnick
00:34:53First team.
Emil Deconnick
00:34:53So I was like, really close to making as, as a professional soccer player.
Emil Deconnick
00:34:57He was like, in this environment, I don't really care about the person behind the player.
Emil Deconnick
00:35:01You're here to perform, you're here to play.
Emil Deconnick
00:35:03I'm gonna try to Help you the best I can so that you can make that jump to the first team.
Emil Deconnick
00:35:10And I always thought that was kind of shocking.
Emil Deconnick
00:35:12Like if you go to work, like, obviously the person like that you are is gonna impact the way you perform.
Emil Deconnick
00:35:22And that's exactly the same within, within sports.
Emil Deconnick
00:35:25But that, that was his approach and that was his mindset.
Emil Deconnick
00:35:29So I was like, if this is what it's like within a sports environment, like in a professional sports environment, then I don't really want to be a part of it because I do not agree with you.
Emil Deconnick
00:35:40And I told him.
Emil Deconnick
00:35:41And so we had this whole debate and he was like, I need to be tough, but everyone's just, to me just to see how equipped you are to make it as a professional.
Emil Deconnick
00:35:54And, and that's where I was like, I mean, that mindset of having that, that tough love approach, I, I did not like that at all because as you said, like, some kid might need that, but another kid is going to be super sensitive to that and it's gonna, it's gonna break him.
Emil Deconnick
00:36:12And now you can ask me the question, what's right or wrong?
Emil Deconnick
00:36:16Like, maybe he was right.
Emil Deconnick
00:36:17And then he, he was able to divide those that weren't equipped to make it as a professional and they were, he was like, I got rid of them.
Emil Deconnick
00:36:27And now the people that I still have are those then that do know how to deal with this kind of approach or this kind of coaching.
Emil Deconnick
00:36:36So maybe it worked for him.
Emil Deconnick
00:36:37But I, I, I absolutely hated that mindset.
Emil Deconnick
00:36:41And I feel like it wasn't just him, it was just in general, like within soccer world is something that I absolutely, absolutely discussed or was disgusted by.
Emil Deconnick
00:36:51And so that's why, that was one of the reasons why I decided to quit professional soccer or at least quit chasing that dream.
Emil Deconnick
00:37:01Because for the longest time I was chasing something and as I, as I got closer to it, I realized that it wasn't really for me necessarily, and also that I didn't really needed it.
Emil Deconnick
00:37:12Right.
Emil Deconnick
00:37:13I love that process.
Emil Deconnick
00:37:14But then eventually the outcome wasn't there.
Emil Deconnick
00:37:16But I'm, I'm fine with that.
Emil Deconnick
00:37:18I was doing something that I loved and I was doing it to be a professional soccer player.
Emil Deconnick
00:37:26But in the end I realized that wasn't necessarily my dream.
Emil Deconnick
00:37:28I did that because coaches were expecting me to do that, or my parents, for example, expected me to do that, or we invested so much in it, but I didn't need that outcome for myself, for my self worth and to feel good about myself.
Emil Deconnick
00:37:44I feel great about myself and I love the process, I loved every part of it.
Emil Deconnick
00:37:49But I, I mean, I don't mind that I, that I didn't have that outcome, whereas so many people are so focused on that outcome that they leave everything else behind.
Emil Deconnick
00:37:59Like, their whole identity really is.
Emil Deconnick
00:38:02Is focused on that outcome.
Emil Deconnick
00:38:03And I, I, I really wanted to avoid that.
Emil Deconnick
00:38:06And that was part of why I decided to quit soccer, too.
Host
00:38:10Yeah, no, and that makes perfect sense to me.
Host
00:38:12And like, even from a.
Host
00:38:13You were saying about how the coach might feel good about himself, I was like, okay, I've gotten rid of the, the weak people.
Host
00:38:18When in reality, a tweak or two could have made that person into a killer.
Host
00:38:24Not literally, but like a, an awesome soccer player that's just, like, kills it.
Host
00:38:28You know what I mean?
Host
00:38:30And in reality, it's like, I think that holding onto a lot of that stuff would just mess with your longevity.
Host
00:38:36So it's like, I'm feeling lots of pressure.
Host
00:38:39I'm ignoring it.
Host
00:38:39I'm pushing through it and just need to get through this next chapter.
Host
00:38:43Just need to make it to first team.
Host
00:38:45Just need to make it to.
Host
00:38:47Just need to be a starter.
Host
00:38:48Holding onto that stress now, one year, two years goes by holding onto that stress.
Host
00:38:52Now you're burnt out.
Host
00:38:54You know what?
Host
00:38:54Whereas opposed to you, who loves, who loves the process?
Host
00:38:57If I can just stay focused on getting you to stay focused on the process and not focus on all the rivalry bullshit, then it's like, all of a sudden now, now you're an amazing.
Host
00:39:05Now you're an amazing player that can be in the, in the league whatever whatever for 10 years because you love it, not because you're, you know, living up to the pressure.
Emil Deconnick
00:39:14Yeah, but unfortunately, I didn't have coaches that realized that or, or could help me in that way.
Emil Deconnick
00:39:21But again, I'm, I'm, I'm fine with that now, looking back at it, but what you say is true.
Emil Deconnick
00:39:26Like, I've, I've been talking to so many professional athletes, too.
Emil Deconnick
00:39:29For example, at the team that I was playing for last season, I was really close.
Emil Deconnick
00:39:34Well, I, I practiced with the first team now and then, too.
Emil Deconnick
00:39:37And as I got to talk to those professional athletes, you can tell that that is exactly what they were doing.
Emil Deconnick
00:39:42Like, year after year, they, they experienced stress, and they didn't really know how to deal with that necessarily, but they always were chasing more and more and more, and they were like, oh, you just need to go to this next.
Emil Deconnick
00:39:52Next chapter or next season and, and so on.
Emil Deconnick
00:39:55And eventually they burn worse than that.
Emil Deconnick
00:40:00Like, after their career because the career is only, what, 10 or 15 years, but they really fall into this pit where they don't know where to, what to do with themselves.
Emil Deconnick
00:40:11Like, they, they're burned out.
Emil Deconnick
00:40:13Their whole identity falls apart and they're, they're kind of stuck in this moment where they don't know what to do next.
Emil Deconnick
00:40:21And that's something that I really wanted to avoid.
Emil Deconnick
00:40:23But that's probably because they were so focused on, on that result.
Emil Deconnick
00:40:28And that result really, or that outcome really identified them like that was what their whole identity was like their whole purpose was.
Emil Deconnick
00:40:35And so that's.
Emil Deconnick
00:40:36As I'm talking to the younger kids and younger generations, that's something that I want to want them to understand.
Emil Deconnick
00:40:42And that's going to be really hard because they're still very young.
Emil Deconnick
00:40:45And as they're talking, I can also sense that they are like, playing for.
Emil Deconnick
00:40:51I want to have a lot of money because I, I'll be a professional soccer player and I want to have, you know, when I win the Champions League or like, whatever.
Emil Deconnick
00:40:58So it's all always so outcome oriented.
Emil Deconnick
00:41:03And eventually, I've seen it myself, eventually, that's not, not going to be positive for them, like on the long term.
Emil Deconnick
00:41:10So there too, how can we shift their focus to the process, really?
Emil Deconnick
00:41:15And then, and it's funny, it's really a paradox too, because the more we focus on the process, the more likely that the outcome will be there eventually too.
Emil Deconnick
00:41:25But if we are so focused on the outcome, we forget the whole process part and we won't get any closer to that outcome.
Emil Deconnick
00:41:32So that's something that I'm going to have to make them understand.
Emil Deconnick
00:41:37But I think that's really powerful.
Emil Deconnick
00:41:40I mean, if we just can stay in this moment of what can I do next?
Emil Deconnick
00:41:43How can I.
Emil Deconnick
00:41:44What is within this process a possibility for me to be a better person, to be a better player?
Emil Deconnick
00:41:50If we can keep our focus on that, like every time again, eventually we will get closer to that outcome.
Emil Deconnick
00:41:56It's really good to have a goal, right?
Emil Deconnick
00:41:58But if we just have a, if we just put a pin there and then shift our focus to what can I do now?
Emil Deconnick
00:42:05Eventually we will see that we're getting closer to that.
Emil Deconnick
00:42:08But if we have that pin and we keep looking at it and we keep being focused on it, we're not going to get any closer.
Emil Deconnick
00:42:15So that's what I really try to teach everyone that I'm.
Emil Deconnick
00:42:19I'm working with.
Host
00:42:21Yeah, that's, that's incredibly powerful.
Host
00:42:23And I love, I love those really powerful paradoxes.
Host
00:42:26You Know, like, the letting go to get what you want or whatever.
Host
00:42:30But, like, there's.
Host
00:42:31I definitely got really into that idea of focusing on the process.
Host
00:42:34I don't know if you follow American football at all, NFL, but there's a team called the Ramp.
Host
00:42:38There's a team called the Rams, and their.
Host
00:42:40Their head coach is Sean McVeigh.
Host
00:42:42And he's very into the psychology of everything.
Host
00:42:44He.
Host
00:42:45His.
Host
00:42:45He grew up.
Host
00:42:46I think his dad was, like, friends with Bill Walsh, and Bill Walsh was the championship coach for the 49ers back when, like, Joe Montana and all these really, you know, famous guys.
Host
00:42:54So I'm not aficionado either, so.
Host
00:42:57But the cool thing is this guy, Bill Ross, wrote a book called the Score Takes Care of Itself.
Host
00:43:02And that's a book.
Host
00:43:02If you haven't read that book, like, definitely amazing books.
Host
00:43:05He talks about the same stuff, is like, all I have to do is focus on the process.
Host
00:43:08If we check these boxes, you know, the outcome will happen, the score will take care of itself, and we don't need to.
Host
00:43:14And so he was just like, you know, a.
Host
00:43:16I wouldn't.
Host
00:43:17Maybe Nazi is not the best word, but he was a, you know, very, very strict about sticking to the process and just focusing on the process and not.
Host
00:43:23Not being obsessed with an outcome at all.
Host
00:43:26And so it's like, you know, a lot of culture needs that.
Host
00:43:29You know, I have a coach coming in.
Host
00:43:30It's like, we need to step it up.
Host
00:43:31We need to start winning some games.
Host
00:43:33You know, like, oh, cool.
Host
00:43:35Let's just.
Host
00:43:35Yeah, because we haven't wanted to win.
Host
00:43:38Like.
Emil Deconnick
00:43:38No, exactly.
Host
00:43:39Now that you say that.
Host
00:43:40Well, now that you say that, let's go win.
Emil Deconnick
00:43:43No, but it's.
Host
00:43:44It's.
Emil Deconnick
00:43:44And there's something that I see with the teams that I'm working with, too, as we're working on goal setting and all that stuff.
Emil Deconnick
00:43:51Like, it's very easy for them to define a goal, like an outcome goal.
Emil Deconnick
00:43:56Like, yeah, we want to.
Emil Deconnick
00:43:57We want to win this amount of games or we want to be here in the ranking.
Emil Deconnick
00:44:03And, like, that's great, but then how are you going to do that?
Emil Deconnick
00:44:07And then you always see that that's so much harder for them to come up with process goals.
Emil Deconnick
00:44:13It's so easy to talk about the outcome goals.
Emil Deconnick
00:44:16But then how you're going to do that, what are you going to do now to get closer to that goal?
Emil Deconnick
00:44:20And so that's something that.
Emil Deconnick
00:44:22That's kind of a shift that we're going to have to make or just make them understand that if we keep focusing on the outcome, eventually we might not get there, or we're going to get frustrated really quickly because we notice that we're not there yet.
Emil Deconnick
00:44:36Well, especially if we make a big enough goal.
Emil Deconnick
00:44:39Like, yes, we're going to feel frustrated if we keep looking at that, but if we focus on the process, eventually that goal will come or we will get closer to that goal.
Emil Deconnick
00:44:49So, yeah, that's.
Emil Deconnick
00:44:50That's, I think, really, really powerful.
Emil Deconnick
00:44:53And then all the tools we use should be leading to focusing in.
Emil Deconnick
00:44:56In the moment, because why are we.
Emil Deconnick
00:44:59Why do we feel stressed or why are we nervous for a game is because we already think about the outcome or we're like, our mindset is.
Emil Deconnick
00:45:07Is focused on that.
Emil Deconnick
00:45:09So every tool that we use should be to come back to the present moment and think about, what can I do now to perform the best I can.
Host
00:45:18Yeah.
Emil Deconnick
00:45:18And then, then I think of breathing exercises, visualization, like, all those things that make us come back to the present moment and really have that experience of a flow state, because that's.
Emil Deconnick
00:45:30If we can enhance that or like, have that moment as much as we can, that's where we perform at our best.
Emil Deconnick
00:45:36And eventually we will get closer to that goal that we wanted to achieve.
Emil Deconnick
00:45:41But I think every.
Emil Deconnick
00:45:42That's.
Emil Deconnick
00:45:42That's kind of where, like, that's kind of what I tell people when I try to explain, in a nutshell, what mental coaching is like.
Emil Deconnick
00:45:50We have all these tools, and eventually we're trying to get to a flow state.
Emil Deconnick
00:45:55And if we can experience that state as much as we can, we will feel so good about ourselves and then eventually achieve really powerful things and really cool things.
Emil Deconnick
00:46:05But that's kind of.
Emil Deconnick
00:46:06To me, that flow state is.
Emil Deconnick
00:46:09Is the holy grail of sports psychology and, and kind of life in general.
Emil Deconnick
00:46:13Like, that's what we crave almost.
Emil Deconnick
00:46:15It's something that we want.
Emil Deconnick
00:46:16We feel so good in that moment.
Emil Deconnick
00:46:18So why not try mental coaching or mental training to have that experience as much as we can?
Host
00:46:24I agree, I agree.
Host
00:46:25And.
Host
00:46:26And then that's where, like, kind of realizing that all this spiritual stuff, if you will, is what's ultimately blocking a lot of that.
Host
00:46:35Those things from.
Host
00:46:35From coming into state into the flow state is like, okay, now I've got, you know, perfectionism and unrealistic expectations and scarcity mindset, and I'm comparing myself to others and I'm scared to fail.
Host
00:46:47And, you know, there's.
Host
00:46:48There's all these different things that are ultimately blocking the flow state.
Host
00:46:51And so it's like, it's not about, you know, doing more.
Host
00:46:54And as I've talked to another guest about this as well, this is another paradox.
Host
00:46:58It's not about doing more to get your results, it's actually about doing less.
Host
00:47:02It's actually about letting go of a lot of that stuff that is ultimately blocking you from locking in to that flow state, you know.
Host
00:47:09Right.
Host
00:47:09Because it wants to come.
Host
00:47:10It's a natural, it's a natural human thing.
Host
00:47:12It's a natural state in which we should be able to visit, you know, almost, you know, not, maybe not at will, but we should be able to regularly visit, you know, when it necessitates itself, you know.
Emil Deconnick
00:47:22And awareness is the first step of all of that.
Emil Deconnick
00:47:26Right.
Emil Deconnick
00:47:26Because so many people, like so many players I've played with, they're just going through the motion and they're, they don't, they don't really know what they're doing or what's affecting them, what's blocking them from achieving their best.
Emil Deconnick
00:47:38And so we need to be aware of like what the thoughts are like that are preventing us from playing the best we can or how we react in certain situations, why we react that way.
Emil Deconnick
00:47:49And so awareness is the absolute like base of all of that.
Emil Deconnick
00:47:53Because if we, if we're not aware, we cannot enhan.
Emil Deconnick
00:47:56Enhance.
Emil Deconnick
00:47:57And, and so that is something, especially with those younger ages that I'm working with is something that I'm really trying to work on is like I'm, I'm like asking them these hard questions and sometimes, well, most of the times they don't really know the answer to it, but I'm like, what are, what are you thinking in this moment?
Emil Deconnick
00:48:13Or why does that thought come into your mind?
Emil Deconnick
00:48:16Where does that come from?
Emil Deconnick
00:48:18And especially when they're that young, it's really hard for them to really understand where that thought is coming from or why they behave the way they behave.
Emil Deconnick
00:48:27But eventually they're going to have to learn to think about those kind of things if they want to push themselves to, to the next level.
Emil Deconnick
00:48:34And then I'm not talking about performances necessarily, but also just their well being.
Emil Deconnick
00:48:40Like if they want to feel good about themselves, like have a stable self confidence and self worth, then they're gonna have to acknowledge what those things are that make them feel bad about themselves or why they keep hanging on to those things.
Host
00:48:55So, so yeah, and that's, and then that's where we get into the conversation as well.
Host
00:48:59But I see come up often as the, this is another Bill Beswick thing is he calls it a victim versus Victor.
Host
00:49:05You Know, and so it's like, well, when you got all these things coming up, it's like, are you, are you taking ownership for those things or are you, you know, well, this person did this to me, and so that's why I'm dealing with this thing.
Host
00:49:16And, you know, I, I feel frustrated because, you know, this other person, you know, did that.
Host
00:49:22And it's like, well, we gotta kind of.
Host
00:49:23Yeah.
Host
00:49:24Gain the awareness and realize, you know, that we do have some, some responsibility there, you know, for, for how we do feel.
Emil Deconnick
00:49:32You know, that's, that's the thing that I'm trying to teach my, my kids too, is that you ultimately decide how you react to things.
Emil Deconnick
00:49:42And, and it's like you said, like, if you're in that victim position, you're gonna be like, ah, this person did this to me or that to me.
Emil Deconnick
00:49:50But when you're a victor, you can still decide or choose how you react to those things or in.
Emil Deconnick
00:49:55To what extent you let those situations or those things affect how you feel about yourself.
Emil Deconnick
00:50:01And so that is, that is the first thing or one of the first things that I'm trying to teach them is that's the thoughts that come into your mind.
Emil Deconnick
00:50:10Those are not necessarily your thoughts, but you do have the responsibility to, you know, choose how you react to those thoughts.
Emil Deconnick
00:50:19Because, I mean, if you think about it like, none of the thoughts that we really have are our thoughts.
Emil Deconnick
00:50:25Like, they always come from somewhere.
Emil Deconnick
00:50:27As we grow up as kids, we start to use language that other people use and we kind of create a sense of ourselves.
Emil Deconnick
00:50:35Right.
Emil Deconnick
00:50:36But we always think that we have a choice in that.
Emil Deconnick
00:50:40Like when, when thoughts come into our head, it's because they think, oh, that's, that's because who we are, that's.
Emil Deconnick
00:50:46That's what we really think.
Emil Deconnick
00:50:47But that's not necessarily the case.
Emil Deconnick
00:50:49It's.
Emil Deconnick
00:50:49It's just the fact that that's what you've been hearing in your surroundings or from your surroundings, and then so making that disconnection, almost understanding that you're not your thoughts, but you can decide how you react to those thoughts.
Emil Deconnick
00:51:05That is something very powerful and very necessary, I think, in that first step of creating awareness, but then also creating circumstances for yourself in which you can feel better about yourself and then eventually perform better.
Host
00:51:20Yeah, you talked about that as well with the, the soccer team that you're.
Host
00:51:25That you were dealing with before.
Host
00:51:26And like, that's just, that's just an incredibly powerful thing that continues to come up, you know, and so, you know, being proactive versus even Reactive is very important.
Host
00:51:37So knowing how to respond, obviously, you know, you deal with react versus respond.
Host
00:51:41So I do I have a knee jerk response or do I get to choose in the way that I establish meaning and tell the story behind this thing, you know, is very, is very important place, you know, to take in this thing.
Host
00:51:53And so yeah, I just, I think that that's something that, yeah, I just wish that we would have more.
Host
00:52:00This is a term that Graham Beckhart uses.
Host
00:52:02He calls now front loading more things.
Host
00:52:04You know, so we, we have things, we know that we're going to say these things to ourselves and so we have these things in place that kind of counteract those things.
Host
00:52:11Yeah, and so, and so that's why I thought it was important that you mentioned it both in the context of your own soccer as well as these, these 15 year old kids and their, let's say, daily lives around their parents.
Host
00:52:21That we are constantly being evaluated by others in our environment and the language that they are using becomes the language we use within ourselves.
Host
00:52:30So it's like, oh you dumb shit, you know, versus oh, you smart, awesome, you know, great kid.
Host
00:52:36You know, those two kids are going to have a very different self talk ultimately because of that, you know, and has nothing to do with the themselves believing deep down, you know, or growing up or you know, getting the gene for being a dumb, you know, it's like, it's definitely has nothing to do with it, you know, so I know and I know that, you know, unfortunately there are too many people in this world that do speak to their children that way.
Host
00:53:00I, I witnessed it, you know, and I've grown up being a victim of it as well.
Host
00:53:04And you know, people that are disregulated and don't know how to handle people and are trying to use tactics and you know, punishment scarce, you know, being, being scary, you know, to get their results.
Host
00:53:15And it's just, it's just not the way anymore.
Host
00:53:16And I think that there's been a lot of change in that regard, you know, to coaching evolving.
Host
00:53:22And so I think that, you know, this is just another evidence of coaching evolving, proving that coaches do want to learn and do understand.
Host
00:53:30Like if I keep ignoring the mental side of sports, if I keep ignoring the needs of, you know, the, the kids or whatever, like it's going to backfire.
Host
00:53:39It's gonna just make my life that much harder, you know.
Emil Deconnick
00:53:41Yeah, but it, it's not always that, that obvious too.
Emil Deconnick
00:53:44Like it can, can be very subtle.
Emil Deconnick
00:53:46Like the way parents or coaches deal with, with their kids.
Emil Deconnick
00:53:52What I'm trying to say is that, yes, like, people, like some parents do, like, say all these.
Emil Deconnick
00:53:58These bad things, like, very directly, but sometimes it's also.
Emil Deconnick
00:54:03It's way subtler than that.
Emil Deconnick
00:54:05To the extent where a kid feels that, for example, he had a game and he didn't perform that well, and he comes into the car, he notices a shift in, in like, the love that he's receiving.
Emil Deconnick
00:54:16And so he starts to learn that the love that I'm getting depends on how well I play and, and the performances that I have.
Emil Deconnick
00:54:26And so that's very subtle.
Emil Deconnick
00:54:27Like, it's not necessarily something that the parents say, but it's also what they don't say in.
Emil Deconnick
00:54:33In those moments.
Emil Deconnick
00:54:35And, and that's something I.
Emil Deconnick
00:54:36I've.
Emil Deconnick
00:54:36I experienced myself, but something I see with the kids that I'm working with as well.
Emil Deconnick
00:54:42Parents and coaches have such an.
Emil Deconnick
00:54:44Such a powerful impact on.
Emil Deconnick
00:54:46On their kids, but it can be so subtle that it's almost hard to.
Emil Deconnick
00:54:51To be aware of those things.
Emil Deconnick
00:54:54But it's super necessary, right?
Emil Deconnick
00:54:56Because if a kid feels that way, I feel like kids are very sensitive to those kind of things.
Emil Deconnick
00:55:00Like, they start to pick up on, like, little switches in the behaviors of their parents and coaches.
Emil Deconnick
00:55:06So especially when we're, you know, giving love to our kids, we should be as consistent as.
Emil Deconnick
00:55:10As we.
Emil Deconnick
00:55:11As we can and not let, like, a bad performance depend or.
Emil Deconnick
00:55:16Yeah.
Emil Deconnick
00:55:17Influence how we, how we respond or react to our kids.
Host
00:55:22But then it's.
Emil Deconnick
00:55:22It's up to our kids to.
Emil Deconnick
00:55:24And that takes a lot of time.
Emil Deconnick
00:55:26Like, I feel like I've only been.
Emil Deconnick
00:55:27Been able to do that in the last couple of years, like, be able to really look at these things objectively, not point any fingers, not take anything personal.
Emil Deconnick
00:55:37But then thinking about, like, why is this?
Emil Deconnick
00:55:42How do I react, how do I feel?
Emil Deconnick
00:55:45But just from a distance, kind of just look at it objectively and be like, it's okay.
Emil Deconnick
00:55:52Right?
Emil Deconnick
00:55:52And that's kind of what I've been doing last season.
Emil Deconnick
00:55:55So last season I was still playing for the under 23s of this first team in Belgium, this professional team.
Emil Deconnick
00:56:02And I was so close to getting there, to my dream.
Emil Deconnick
00:56:06But I really started to ask myself questions, like, very objectively, like, what is it that I want?
Emil Deconnick
00:56:13Why am I doing the things that I'm doing and not just saying, oh, I.
Emil Deconnick
00:56:16I think soccer or football is fun, but go way deeper than that.
Emil Deconnick
00:56:21Like, go a couple of layers underneath that and really go to the core of, like, what it is that that drives me and also what it Is that hinders me and blocks me and not like, point fingers to myself and be like, ah, you should have.
Emil Deconnick
00:56:41Why have you let that thing affect you?
Emil Deconnick
00:56:44Just look at it objectively.
Emil Deconnick
00:56:46Oh, this was the circumstance and that's how I reacted.
Emil Deconnick
00:56:49And, and then just learn from that.
Emil Deconnick
00:56:51I think that's, that's really, really, really powerful if you, if you're able to do that.
Host
00:56:56No, I agree.
Host
00:56:57I agree 100.
Host
00:56:58And I don't know if you've heard of a guy named Gabor Mate, but if you haven't.
Host
00:57:02Yeah, yeah, dude, what you're talking about really resonates with some of the stuff I've, I've looked into with him and I love, I love his work.
Host
00:57:08You know, you're talking about the subtle things that you do to a child.
Host
00:57:12You know, that shows them that, that, that attachment may be, you know, maybe not severed, but, you know, there's issues there.
Host
00:57:18It's like, okay, I'm not going to love you the same way if you do this.
Host
00:57:21You know, if you displease me, if you don't act in ways that I like, then I don't.
Host
00:57:27I'm not going to show you love in the same way.
Host
00:57:29And so it's like your authenticity is then, you know, sacrificed for that attachment, which is incredibly sad.
Host
00:57:37It's like, I will be whoever you want me to be as long as it gets me love.
Host
00:57:42And that's not.
Host
00:57:42And then we have to suppress, you know, and repress parts of ourselves, you know, that become our shadow, you know.
Host
00:57:49Right.
Host
00:57:49And then it just becomes incredibly, incredibly messed up.
Host
00:57:52And so then you're talking about getting to know yourself and, and being, you know, you use, you use the word objective, you know, which is perfect.
Host
00:58:01Okay, like, why, you know, why am I feeling this way?
Host
00:58:03Why am I experiencing this?
Host
00:58:04Why am I frustrated?
Host
00:58:06Why am I having these results in life, you know, and, and Gabriel Mate uses a term called compassionate inquiry, where I'm going to ask myself compassionately, I'm not going to be like, what the hell is wrong with you?
Host
00:58:17I'm going to be like, you know, what's, what's going on?
Host
00:58:18Where am I feeling?
Host
00:58:19Why am I feeling a little bit off?
Host
00:58:21You know?
Host
00:58:21And so developing that ability to do that is really important, you know, and then I'll say one last thing.
Host
00:58:27I had, I also had a guest who was an ex Marine.
Host
00:58:31And then now he actually is basically like, most of his work revolves around being a third party between a parent and a child, where it's like, okay, I'm Going to talk to the child, you know, objectively and figure out like, hey, you know, you know, what do you want to hear after a hard game?
Host
00:58:48What do you want to hear after a good game?
Host
00:58:50You know, how do you, how would, how would you like to.
Host
00:58:52What's some, some of the issues that we're experiencing around, you know, maybe feeling some pressure from your parents.
Host
00:58:57And then you talk to the parent and you figure out like, hey, you know, what are you wanting out of your kid?
Host
00:59:01What are you hoping for?
Host
00:59:02What do you, and you kind of like create that almost ability to, for them to speak objectively to each other.
Host
00:59:08Because I know that that goes both ways.
Host
00:59:10It's not just about a parent being there for a kid and showing them all that love and affection.
Host
00:59:15It's also about a kid letting their parent be there for them and communicating to them, like, hey, you know, I had a hard game today and I'm really struggling right now.
Host
00:59:22Like, I just need, you know, a little bit of, you know, love, please.
Host
00:59:25Like, just, you know, and, and, and most of us won't say that.
Host
00:59:29We'll just say I'm going to my room or whatever, you know what I mean?
Host
00:59:31Like, and so, yeah, I think, I think it's very, just important distinction to mention that it goes both ways when it comes to that.
Host
00:59:37It's about, it's about the athlete learning themselves as well and communicating with a loved one parent or whatever, you know, to make sure that they're getting that support that they, they deserve and, and advocating for themselves, you know, Know.
Emil Deconnick
00:59:51Yeah, yeah, no, I totally agree.
Emil Deconnick
00:59:55But the, the thing is also I feel like parents and coaches are not doing those things on purpose.
Emil Deconnick
01:00:03Right?
Emil Deconnick
01:00:03Like, no parent is, is not going to show love to their kid, but because it's so subtle, like, they do need to have that awareness of like, what it, what is it, what I'm doing and how does it impact my, my kid?
Emil Deconnick
01:00:18And like, for example, my parents too.
Emil Deconnick
01:00:20Like, I genuinely believe that they had the very best intentions, but just the way they, they acted, it just, they just let their personal stuff interfere with how they showed love towards me.
Emil Deconnick
01:00:35And, and I mean, I'm so grateful for like everything they, they've done for me.
Emil Deconnick
01:00:38Like, I love them so much too, but that's, it's really important for parents to understand that and, and, and, and be aware of those, those behaviors that they, that they portray or show.
Emil Deconnick
01:00:51Same with coaches too.
Emil Deconnick
01:00:53And it's like you said, like, I just, I don't, I don't think that anyone doesn't want to show love, especially to the.
Emil Deconnick
01:01:01To the people that they love.
Host
01:01:02And.
Emil Deconnick
01:01:02And like you said earlier, no one wants to lose or no one wants to do it badly.
Emil Deconnick
01:01:08But if we, like, you know, for focusing on that, it's like, for a person, it's just.
Emil Deconnick
01:01:15Yeah, I don't know.
Emil Deconnick
01:01:17It's just something that doesn't help them in the long term.
Emil Deconnick
01:01:20Like, I see it so much with the kids that I'm working with too.
Emil Deconnick
01:01:23Like, they make a mistake, they give a bad pass, they lose games, and then the first thing that the coaches do is, like, pick on those things.
Emil Deconnick
01:01:30Whereas, like, obviously they don't want to do those things.
Emil Deconnick
01:01:34Those things happen.
Emil Deconnick
01:01:36But then why should we then emphasize those things again?
Emil Deconnick
01:01:38Like, they know they did bad or they know they made a mistake.
Emil Deconnick
01:01:41So what.
Emil Deconnick
01:01:42How.
Emil Deconnick
01:01:43Instead, how can we help them to just do it better next time?
Emil Deconnick
01:01:46Or how can we make sure that they don't feel too bad about themselves?
Emil Deconnick
01:01:50Like, because that way they will be able to have the courage and confidence to do it again next time.
Emil Deconnick
01:01:56Yeah, I always feel like that's so weird why we as humans do do that.
Emil Deconnick
01:02:02Like, we.
Emil Deconnick
01:02:02We're so focused on that negative thing and then emphasize it again.
Emil Deconnick
01:02:06And I'm like, that's not helping anyone.
Emil Deconnick
01:02:10Stating the obvious.
Emil Deconnick
01:02:12Like, no one wants to make a mistake.
Emil Deconnick
01:02:13No one wants to do it badly.
Emil Deconnick
01:02:16And similarly with.
Emil Deconnick
01:02:17With like, the love that we give, like, no one wants to not give their child love, but subconsciously or in a very subtle way, sometimes we do that.
Emil Deconnick
01:02:27Or a kid feels that way.
Host
01:02:29Yeah.
Host
01:02:30Yeah.
Host
01:02:30I think, you know, a.
Host
01:02:32It's like for a coach to understand that there's a negativity bias within themselves.
Host
01:02:37Very, very important.
Host
01:02:38And then I think there's a lack of understanding about even neuroscience of, like, you know, I.
Host
01:02:42I am literally teaching this person to focus on this thing.
Host
01:02:45I keep bringing it up.
Host
01:02:46I'm building pathways to it, you know, and that's clearly.
Host
01:02:50Clearly not.
Host
01:02:50Not a good thing at all, you know, and so, yeah, I just think.
Host
01:02:55And then when it comes to parents, it's like, there is definitely the need.
Host
01:03:00That's why it's like.
Host
01:03:00I'm kind of almost curious.
Host
01:03:01I'll kind of bridge into a question about if you do any work with parents.
Host
01:03:05But, like, there's definitely parent wounds there, you know, so it's like your parents even, like, they're.
Host
01:03:10They have to kind of stop and ask themselves the same thing, like, why.
Host
01:03:12Why does this matter to me so much?
Host
01:03:14Why do I need.
Host
01:03:15Why do I feel like some sort of Sense of me needs my child to be successful, you know, and so it's like, is it, is it truly love, is it truly support or is it more so, you know, a vicarious living through the child as well, you know, and coming to terms with that within yourself.
Host
01:03:32And so I'm curious, first of all, I guess I did have a question almost earlier as well.
Host
01:03:35Is like if you could have had the support from your parents to give you the extra coaching and you know, kind of push you but not have the pressure on you, like, could you potentially explain it all, like what that might look like?
Emil Deconnick
01:03:50You mean if I would have had those mental resources as well?
Host
01:03:55Or may, maybe, yeah, maybe that would have been one of the answers.
Host
01:03:59But it's like, you know, how, how much your parents have pushed you and, and supported you and gave you all the extra coaching without it being outcome based, what might that have looked like?
Host
01:04:07What, how might they have said things a little differently or done things a little differently?
Host
01:04:13In, in hindsight that is, you know.
Emil Deconnick
01:04:15Yeah, no, I just, I just felt like, I mean obviously they, they invested so much in, in like my development and like you said, like we work with so many personal trainers, like other coaches, like other stuff that we, we did just to make sure that I would get better and better and then eventually get to that goal.
Emil Deconnick
01:04:35I think the difference is just in the way they, they talked or made me feel about certain stuff.
Emil Deconnick
01:04:42Like if something didn't go the way they wanted it to go, then you could tell.
Emil Deconnick
01:04:46And so if you would be really process based or process oriented, like it wouldn't have mattered.
Emil Deconnick
01:04:52I mean they would have understood that they're going to be good days, bad days.
Emil Deconnick
01:04:56So it's going to go up and down.
Emil Deconnick
01:04:57That's kind, that's part of the process.
Emil Deconnick
01:04:58And eventually you learn from your mistakes and you grow.
Emil Deconnick
01:05:02But I could tell that there was a difference between, between when I played really well and then when I didn't play that well or same in coaching, when we saw results or when we didn't see results, there was a difference in like the way they approach me or talk to me.
Emil Deconnick
01:05:19And I think that would be the biggest difference.
Emil Deconnick
01:05:22So as a parent, if you, if you can be consistent in that process of highs and lows with the love that you gave, give and the things that you say, I think that will keep your focus away from the outcome.
Emil Deconnick
01:05:37Because if, you know, if you see that there's so many differences, automatically you will be more focused to that outcome.
Emil Deconnick
01:05:43You'd be like, okay, I need to do this.
Emil Deconnick
01:05:45I need to perform this way in order for my parents to behave this way or say these things.
Emil Deconnick
01:05:51And for me, the most, like, powerful thing that still sticks with me is like the ride after a game back home.
Emil Deconnick
01:05:59If I played really well, you could tell we were all very cheerful, you know, laughing, there was a lot of love.
Emil Deconnick
01:06:05But then when I didn't play well, I.
Emil Deconnick
01:06:08There was like a.
Emil Deconnick
01:06:09Such an atmosphere that just was really, really bad.
Host
01:06:13Yeah.
Emil Deconnick
01:06:13And as a kid, you really.
Host
01:06:16That.
Emil Deconnick
01:06:17That has a big impact on you.
Emil Deconnick
01:06:19So that is something that I always noticed and then was a little afraid of.
Emil Deconnick
01:06:24So you want to avoid those.
Emil Deconnick
01:06:26Those bad experiences in a car ride.
Emil Deconnick
01:06:28So then you're focused on.
Emil Deconnick
01:06:29On the result.
Emil Deconnick
01:06:30I need to do this, this and that in order to perform well, in order to, you know, make my.
Emil Deconnick
01:06:37My parents feel good and like me.
Emil Deconnick
01:06:42But that's obviously such a weird way of thinking that.
Emil Deconnick
01:06:45That that's even possible because that way and it just.
Emil Deconnick
01:06:48And hence that I would be so focused on the result, not just for myself, but for the reactions of my parents or coaches or teammates.
Emil Deconnick
01:06:57And it just creates a self word in which you're not really focused on yourself, but you're so focused on what other people say.
Emil Deconnick
01:07:06And that's just in the language that the parents and the coaches use that just creates that.
Emil Deconnick
01:07:13That self word almost.
Emil Deconnick
01:07:15That was really, really the case for me.
Emil Deconnick
01:07:17I wasn't necessarily playing for myself at some point.
Emil Deconnick
01:07:20I was just playing just to make sure that coaches would say something nice or my parents would really show their love.
Emil Deconnick
01:07:28And again, I do believe they.
Emil Deconnick
01:07:30They do love me, obviously, like, they support me, and I'm so grateful for that.
Emil Deconnick
01:07:35But those little subtle things, those subtle differences really, really have a big impact on how you feel about yourself after a good or bad game.
Emil Deconnick
01:07:46And that's something that, in hindsight, is something that I wish that I would have.
Emil Deconnick
01:07:53Would that it would have been different.
Emil Deconnick
01:07:54But then at the same time, it kind of.
Emil Deconnick
01:07:56It made me who I am and it brought me to the point where I am now.
Emil Deconnick
01:08:00So, I mean, I really don't blame anyone.
Emil Deconnick
01:08:03And it's kind of what I meant with being objectively too, because when I made the decision to quit soccer, for example, my parents were like, they had a really hard time because they kind of began to understood how.
Emil Deconnick
01:08:16With the behavior that they showed and the things they said, how they impacted me, they started to feel bad about themselves and they outed it, like, towards me too.
Emil Deconnick
01:08:27But I really didn't feel that way.
Emil Deconnick
01:08:29Like, I didn't blame them.
Emil Deconnick
01:08:30At all.
Emil Deconnick
01:08:31Like, I just, that's just what happened.
Emil Deconnick
01:08:32That's just how it went.
Emil Deconnick
01:08:33I knew, or I know that it's from like out of their best intentions that they act that way.
Host
01:08:39Yeah, yeah.
Emil Deconnick
01:08:41And so I don't blame anyone.
Emil Deconnick
01:08:42I don't even blame myself.
Emil Deconnick
01:08:44It's just as I learned so much from those experiences and I'm super, super grateful for, for my parents, for everything that they've done.
Emil Deconnick
01:08:52But yeah, I feel like that kind of is the difference between.
Emil Deconnick
01:08:56I hope that kind of answers your question.
Host
01:08:59It does, it does for sure.
Host
01:09:01And, you know, the idea too is like, I feel like one of my guests talked about something that would, that came to mind when you were talking was like the idea of, of redefining winning.
Host
01:09:12And so it's like, you know, your parents could have, you know, in reality come together with you and be like, you know, okay, what's it look like, win or lose, for you to really just be like you, you won this game and your own performance and your own heart, you know, like, what's gonna, what's gonna take for you to go out in that field, and no matter what happens, you're gonna come back into this car and everything is gonna be great, you know, because, you know, you did your best, you know, or you can be a little bit, you know, objectively upset with yourself and giving yourself feedback on what it is that you need to work on, but able to still enjoy yourself and enjoy the whole process.
Host
01:09:45Yeah.
Host
01:09:45You know, and so it's like, yeah, winning is not winning.
Host
01:09:48Winning is, you know, I was focused.
Host
01:09:51I, you know, was present.
Host
01:09:53You know, I was present.
Host
01:09:53I, you know, yeah, you know, showed up and all those things and not those, like, oh, I kicked the ball four times and I made two goals, which are all things that are very much out of your control for the most part.
Host
01:10:06You know, obviously you can do your part, but as a team sport, you can't.
Host
01:10:09You can't really do that much, you know, yourself.
Emil Deconnick
01:10:11That's what was really missing for me.
Emil Deconnick
01:10:16Like, thinking about what was really within my control.
Emil Deconnick
01:10:18I was so focused on things that were outside of my, my control.
Emil Deconnick
01:10:21Like, really performance based, outcome based.
Emil Deconnick
01:10:24Like you said, there's so many things that are so many factors that have an impact on the outcome that's not really within your control anymore.
Emil Deconnick
01:10:32But I was so focused on that.
Emil Deconnick
01:10:34And then also, you know, I'm focused on my own performance and what that would bring out in other people that I wasn't really focused on, you know, the process or like, in that Moment.
Emil Deconnick
01:10:48What, what, what I could do.
Emil Deconnick
01:10:49Just to give you an example, like most of the times that I was on the field I was, I was mainly looking at my dad like who was standing in the corner like on the sideline looking or trying to see how is he reacting, like what is his behavior like and like any kind of clue that would tell me something about how, how I was doing.
Emil Deconnick
01:11:10And that just says a lot about like where my focus was at and then also how I felt about myself because my, my, my self word was so attached to what he thought and like whether he liked what he saw or not that I didn't really have known like an opinion for myself and I wasn't really focused on what I could do to enjoy myself in that game and just play the best I could.
Emil Deconnick
01:11:35So that also gives you a little bit of an example of what it was like being so outcome focused, outcome oriented and what it could have been like if I was more process oriented, just in the game, enjoying myself, being focused.
Emil Deconnick
01:11:51And then what you say is so true, like what is winning in that moment?
Emil Deconnick
01:11:56Winning could have been, you know, being focused on what I can do right now in this moment.
Emil Deconnick
01:12:02Or it could be having a setback and being able to with a breathing size, breathing exercise, for example, coming back to the next action, the next play instead of winning, which could be, you know, performing well, getting so many good passes, making sure that my dad likes what, what he saw.
Emil Deconnick
01:12:24Like that, that back, that was kind of what it was like but, but it could have been something, something else.
Emil Deconnick
01:12:29And I truly believe that if we focus more on winning as you know what we just mentioned, like winning as being focused, showing resilience, being confident no matter what, like eventually that will have such a, such a positive impact on someone's well being and then eventually also their performances that we really should try to prefer that, that kind or focus on that kind of winning.
Host
01:12:54Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Host
01:12:56So that with that being said and the importance of the parent, what would do you find yourself running up against the wall when you're working with some of these children?
Host
01:13:07Because I know that you, I mean it's from what you said, it's like once we were working with them once a week or doing workshops and things like that.
Host
01:13:14So obviously you're not having access to, you know, parent and kid in, in room or anything like that.
Host
01:13:19And so it's like you, you could be talking to a, you know, kid, teenager, whatever about all these instances and then they're going home and they're experiencing exactly what you're talking about?
Host
01:13:28Yeah.
Host
01:13:29You know, and so do you.
Host
01:13:30Do you think that.
Host
01:13:31That it kind of is.
Host
01:13:32Is hard for you to deal with the fact that you don't really have a relationship with the parents and you're kind of trying to work with kids who are under the.
Host
01:13:38The provisions, you know, the house, the bubble, the environment, the soil of the parent who's maybe not so supportive.
Host
01:13:45You know, it really is.
Emil Deconnick
01:13:47It really is hard.
Emil Deconnick
01:13:48And it kind of made me.
Emil Deconnick
01:13:50I wasn't aware of that as much yet, but now that I'm working within the field, I.
Emil Deconnick
01:13:55I'm starting to understand that we should probably work more with the coaches and the parents than we would have to with.
Emil Deconnick
01:14:02With the kids because they have such an.
Emil Deconnick
01:14:05Such a big impact on how they feel.
Emil Deconnick
01:14:07And what I've been doing now so far, I've been working with.
Emil Deconnick
01:14:10With kids, you know, have I been having these great sessions.
Emil Deconnick
01:14:14And you can tell that they understand what I'm talking about, and we make progress that way, but the effects kind of.
Emil Deconnick
01:14:22They're kind of gone as soon as they, you know, a couple of weeks later, they.
Emil Deconnick
01:14:25They experience stuff with.
Emil Deconnick
01:14:26With their parents or their coaches.
Emil Deconnick
01:14:29And that's really hard to see because you want to.
Emil Deconnick
01:14:32Obviously that's.
Emil Deconnick
01:14:32That's what you want to avoid.
Emil Deconnick
01:14:34And so that made me think or realize that I should probably be working with the.
Emil Deconnick
01:14:38With the coaches and parents a little more.
Emil Deconnick
01:14:41So we started working with the coaches a little more too.
Emil Deconnick
01:14:45But even there, like, they also.
Emil Deconnick
01:14:47They agree and they understand what you're saying.
Emil Deconnick
01:14:51But then when you observe them during games or practices, there's still such a big difference between understanding what I'm saying and then also executing what I'm saying.
Emil Deconnick
01:15:04So there's definitely still a lot of work to do with coaches, but also with parents.
Emil Deconnick
01:15:09When it comes to parents, like, with one of the teams that I'm working with, I actually had a session just for parents, too, like a workshop.
Emil Deconnick
01:15:19And I feel like in the future, that's definitely something that I'm gonna have to keep doing because it is so important, especially when you're working with young athletes, young kids, their parents play such a big, important role in.
Emil Deconnick
01:15:33In their development, in their mental game as well, that we do need to get as many parents as we can on board and make them realize that, you know, it's so important, the mental side of it.
Emil Deconnick
01:15:48But, yeah, I definitely see that.
Emil Deconnick
01:15:50Like, it's.
Emil Deconnick
01:15:51It's a really.
Emil Deconnick
01:15:53It's definitely a struggle, like working with kids, but in seeing that, you know, their environment kind of what's the word?
Emil Deconnick
01:16:01Nullifies the effects.
Host
01:16:03Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Emil Deconnick
01:16:05But at the same time, I do love working with the kids because they're not always going to be, we're not always going to be able to control the parents or, or the coaches.
Emil Deconnick
01:16:14Like they're going to have to learn how to cope with a bad coach, for example, or, or a bad boss.
Emil Deconnick
01:16:21And so I do want to give them the tools because the, in the end, like, that's really what they can control.
Emil Deconnick
01:16:26It could be in a victim position and be like, oh, this is not a good parent, or this is not a good coach, this is not a good boss.
Emil Deconnick
01:16:33But that's out of their control.
Emil Deconnick
01:16:34And so what they should be able to do in that moment is rely on the tools that I give them or that we come up with together, like create a routine in which they can make sure that they perform well and feel well despite of the coach or parent that is around them or despite, you know, regardless of the, the environment that they're in.
Emil Deconnick
01:16:57So I do think that is still really, really powerful too.
Emil Deconnick
01:17:00But it's, it's, it's a little bit of both, right?
Emil Deconnick
01:17:02It's, it's top down, bottom up.
Emil Deconnick
01:17:06And if we can do that both ways, I feel like we can create a lot of, or just, just create great results.
Emil Deconnick
01:17:15That's what I'm trying to say.
Host
01:17:17Yeah.
Host
01:17:17Now that's, and that's the big thing that I love, you know, and that I definitely want to talk about in the podcast as well.
Host
01:17:22So, like my master's in sociology specifically for that reason, because like I saw myself going and getting the bachelor's in performance psychology and I was like, I can work with individuals until I'm exhausted.
Host
01:17:32I can only, you know, obviously as an individual, you can only work with so many people per day, you know, doing sessions, like hour long sessions, like eight in a day maybe, you know, that's pushing it.
Host
01:17:41That'd be exhausting.
Host
01:17:428 Every day, you know.
Host
01:17:44And so it's like, but, but if I affect coaches, if I affect parents, if I affect managers, leaders, you know, systems, systems, whole systems, you know, then, then we're really talking about big change, you know, but in reality, yes, this, the poor systems will still exist.
Host
01:17:56And so we have to create people as standalone, you know, resilient people who are able to exist within a system, you know, again, being in the world, but not of the world, you know, so it's like, I don't let affect, affect me too much.
Host
01:18:10I know who I am, I know what I stand For I know, you know, that I'm perfectly capable of, and worthy even if I fail.
Host
01:18:16And you know, like, the world can tell me I'm a failure and I don't really sucks, you know.
Host
01:18:24Yeah.
Host
01:18:24And that's something that I like.
Host
01:18:25I love that there's people like you that are, are, are seeing that both are necessary because obviously there's people, lots of people that are on the ground floor.
Host
01:18:33I can go through LinkedIn right now and find like mental performance coach after mental performance coach, you know, and to me, I think it's awesome, you know, it's like, you know, but yeah, there's only so many of them, so it's like you could have, I could be servicing five to 10 teams in the area here, you know, and there's another one, there's like, but there's, there's infinite teams.
Host
01:18:49There's infinite, like, opportunities for this to exist.
Host
01:18:51And so to me, where the real impact can ultimately be in the future is through changing systems, you know, really teaching entire, you know, not even just a, you know, a NFL coach, but the NFL itself.
Host
01:19:05You know what I mean?
Host
01:19:06Like, go thinking big thinking, right?
Host
01:19:08Yeah.
Host
01:19:09So that's, that's pretty cool.
Host
01:19:10So I am curious.
Host
01:19:12I, I, I've never been to Belgium and I've been to Italy once.
Host
01:19:16I'm curious if there's any major differences that you may notice in, you know, mindset.
Host
01:19:23I guess it's kind of a vague question, but you, I feel like you know what I'm talking about culture, if you will.
Emil Deconnick
01:19:29Yeah, that's a question that a lot of people have been asking me already, like, what's the difference between the states and in Belgium?
Emil Deconnick
01:19:39Or like, you know, sports wise, for example.
Host
01:19:42Yeah.
Emil Deconnick
01:19:43And one of the first things that comes to mind, or one of the first things that I say is just really their attitude and mindset towards sports in the sense of, like here it's, I feel like in, in, in the U.S.
Emil Deconnick
01:20:00especially when you, you, you go to a college level or even in high school, I feel like sports is so important and, but it's not necessarily for, for an outcome.
Emil Deconnick
01:20:10Right.
Emil Deconnick
01:20:10Like here I feel like I've seen a lot of kids do sports or I talk to a lot of people in college too.
Emil Deconnick
01:20:16Like they did sports and it's, it's a huge part of their development.
Emil Deconnick
01:20:19And you know, process wise here is more like you do a sport to become someone in that sport or like to create or get results in that sport.
Emil Deconnick
01:20:30That being said, when you talk, talk about the differences just in terms of like infrastructure and like investments.
Emil Deconnick
01:20:39It's crazy to see that difference between Belgium and in the US Like, I feel like in the US they pour a lot of money into sports, college level, but then also definitely professional level.
Emil Deconnick
01:20:51And there's so many resources, so many a great accommodations for athletes to really develop as, as a player and as a person.
Emil Deconnick
01:21:00Whereas here in Belgium that's, that's less of the case.
Emil Deconnick
01:21:04And so that's really cool to see that in the States there's so many opportunities for people to just develop and, and see how far they can go without really having to necessarily like be a professional player.
Emil Deconnick
01:21:21Like for example, in college too, like I went to a college, a D1 college and it wasn't the biggest college but just the field was perfect.
Emil Deconnick
01:21:30Like we had a great gym obviously, like the games we played in different states, we had to go, you know, by plane.
Emil Deconnick
01:21:39And so you can tell that there's.
Emil Deconnick
01:21:42Some Americans really love sports and so do Belgians.
Emil Deconnick
01:21:46But there's like a different, different kind of mindset when it comes to that.
Emil Deconnick
01:21:50Here it's more like they're focused on the process and they give the players every opportunity they need to develop and grow as a player and as a person.
Emil Deconnick
01:22:01Whereas here we're like a little more small minded and we let the individual try and if it works out great.
Emil Deconnick
01:22:08If it doesn't, then everyone has a bad image of that person.
Emil Deconnick
01:22:13But here in the States, um, I like how we give a lot of people the opportunity to develop and you know, in terms of like infrastructure and, and, and also attitude and, and you know, I feel like that's, that's.
Host
01:22:31I see what you're saying.
Host
01:22:32It's like, it's almost like the select.
Host
01:22:33It's hard to like you kind of.
Host
01:22:36Yeah.
Host
01:22:36In, in like let's say in Belgium you can correct me if I'm wrong, but it's like almost like the select few, you know, decide to play, end up making it cool, happy for them.
Host
01:22:45Like that's their thing.
Host
01:22:46In, in America it's like we kind of want everyone to get involved and we'll end up seeing who's good as opposed to like, you know, specifically people choosing to go to go be good.
Emil Deconnick
01:22:56It's a completely different mindset here or in Belgium they're very small minded and like you said, you have the select few.
Emil Deconnick
01:23:03We're going to invest in them.
Emil Deconnick
01:23:06But I feel like it's, it's different in the stage.
Emil Deconnick
01:23:08Like you have a good base and like you, you pour a lot of, a lot of Money into infrastructure, accommodation, like all that kind of stuff, but for everyone really.
Emil Deconnick
01:23:18And then they get the chance to develop, grow and then regardless of the outcome, they've had that opportunity.
Emil Deconnick
01:23:26Whereas in Belgium there, like, like you said, there are a select few that they want to invest in, which also creates a lot of, a lot of pressure on those people to make it.
Emil Deconnick
01:23:36Like they have to make it then.
Emil Deconnick
01:23:39Whereas that, that could be, could be a big difference between the states and in Belgium.
Emil Deconnick
01:23:43And similarly for mental coaching in the States, for example, I see like when I go on LinkedIn, a lot of full time positions for mental coaches, whereas in Belgium that doesn't really exist.
Emil Deconnick
01:23:56So when you talk about a holistic approach towards players, like you want to help them like holistically on all areas, then in the stage you can, you can see how they also invest in mental, in the mental game, mental performances with like the full time positions that they have and offer.
Emil Deconnick
01:24:19Whereas in Belgium that's definitely still not, not there yet.
Emil Deconnick
01:24:22Like mental performance is only, it's, it's only at the, it's in a beginner's level really.
Host
01:24:28Yeah.
Emil Deconnick
01:24:29And you can, I mean I really have to work as a freelancer here or in, in Belgium, which means that I work a little bit for this team, a little bit for that team, just depending on what they need to.
Emil Deconnick
01:24:40But there's no way that a team, like even a professional team is going to offer a full time position for a mental performance coach that doesn't really exist yet.
Emil Deconnick
01:24:50So that also shows the difference between the states and Belgium.
Emil Deconnick
01:24:55Like understanding the importance of a mental performance coach within a team.
Emil Deconnick
01:25:01Yeah.
Emil Deconnick
01:25:01And broader.
Emil Deconnick
01:25:03That shows the investments that they want to do for everyone or just for a select few.
Host
01:25:10Yeah.
Host
01:25:10And like you said, it also changes your role in how you're able to execute your mental performance coaching.
Host
01:25:16You know, how many people are going to buy into that, how many people are going to be willing to let you, you know, come come talk to them or whatever.
Host
01:25:22And so to kind of, to kind of finish up here.
Host
01:25:24I want to, I, we talked about it before when we, we kind of met, you know, before the podcast.
Host
01:25:30But we, you had talked about like kind of some of the, the grind, if you will, of getting these clients that you have so far.
Emil Deconnick
01:25:36Yeah.
Host
01:25:37And your, and your goals, some things you've done and then how you kind of would like to potentially grow as a mentor performance coach and some things you'd like to head into to doing in the future.
Emil Deconnick
01:25:47Yeah, I noticed that it's really hard to have like individual People come to me, like, grab their attention and then work with them.
Emil Deconnick
01:25:55So what.
Emil Deconnick
01:25:55I kind of shift my focus a little bit.
Emil Deconnick
01:25:57And I wanted to work with teams first because I felt like I could have a bigger impact within a team.
Emil Deconnick
01:26:06You're working with a team, but a team of, like, a lot of individuals.
Emil Deconnick
01:26:10And in that way, I would have individual sessions too.
Emil Deconnick
01:26:14Like, the people that are interested, they could always reach out to me and then we go from there.
Emil Deconnick
01:26:18So I'd have a bigger impact doing the way that I'm doing that way.
Emil Deconnick
01:26:26And then also in terms of clients, like, I eventually will have more clients if instead of, like, reaching out to people individually, like one on one.
Emil Deconnick
01:26:35So that's why I do what I do now.
Emil Deconnick
01:26:37Like, I work with teams, and I feel like it's like that's working really well.
Emil Deconnick
01:26:41And I really.
Emil Deconnick
01:26:42I really love what I'm doing there too.
Emil Deconnick
01:26:46But in the future, I feel like that's something that I want to increase a little bit.
Emil Deconnick
01:26:51So I want to have my own business in which people can come to me as individuals, but I also still want to work with teams.
Emil Deconnick
01:26:58So it's a little bit of a combination working with teams, but then also having my own business in which people can, for example, through an app or whatever, reach out and then get insights, like new insights into their mental.
Emil Deconnick
01:27:13Their own mental game, see what tools they could use to apply for themselves in order to play better or be a better person.
Emil Deconnick
01:27:23So that's kind of what I.
Emil Deconnick
01:27:24What I want in the future.
Emil Deconnick
01:27:26That app.
Emil Deconnick
01:27:27I feel like that's something that.
Emil Deconnick
01:27:28That could be really cool and just make mental coaching and mental training very easily accessible to a lot of people.
Emil Deconnick
01:27:37Like, not just a select few, but like, everyone really, because it's important for everyone.
Emil Deconnick
01:27:42Not just athletes, but then also business people, just general people.
Emil Deconnick
01:27:47How do they apply mental tools for themselves so they can overcome challenges, still be confident and resilient in everything that they do?
Emil Deconnick
01:27:57That's kind of my goal on the long term, for sure.
Emil Deconnick
01:28:01And then obviously, like, I could have, like, personal ambitions too and say I want to go to the Olympics or, you know, World Cups and all that.
Emil Deconnick
01:28:09I feel like that could be really cool.
Emil Deconnick
01:28:10But again, I don't need that.
Emil Deconnick
01:28:12Like, I want to serve other people as much as I can.
Emil Deconnick
01:28:15And if that comes, if that opportunity comes, then.
Emil Deconnick
01:28:17Then great.
Emil Deconnick
01:28:18But it's.
Emil Deconnick
01:28:19It's wanting it and not needing it.
Emil Deconnick
01:28:21Right?
Host
01:28:22Yeah.
Emil Deconnick
01:28:23So that's how.
Emil Deconnick
01:28:23That's what my.
Emil Deconnick
01:28:25What purposes and what my goals are in the next couple of years.
Emil Deconnick
01:28:28Yeah.
Host
01:28:29See, and I And I want to highlight and, and respect you for, you know, get, and get people to understand the fact that, you know, you've, you've graduated, you know, with a degree in something that is very new, very in its infant stages.
Host
01:28:42You know, where, where you live back in Belgium.
Host
01:28:44And you're putting yourself out there, you really are putting yourself out there by, you know, sending emails or, you know, going and calling people and trying to figure out like, hey, you know, let me come in and do a workshop.
Host
01:28:57You know, you're developing the workshop yourself.
Host
01:28:59You're talking, you know, like everything that you're doing is like, it's making sure that you're not avoiding discomfort, you know, like you're really going straight into to it.
Host
01:29:06And that's something that I want to give you credit for and make sure that people see that because that's, that's the way to get into it.
Host
01:29:13Especially, you know, you do not have any advantages over there as far as, you know, full time positions.
Host
01:29:18But I think ultimately, in my opinion, my personal opinion, from all the research I've done, and I'm a little older than you, I've been trying to figure out what the best possible way to do this coaching thing that I would actually feel comfortable doing.
Host
01:29:27And it's the way that you're doing it, it's with teams, you know, it's.
Host
01:29:30And it's, and it's freelancing as well because most of the positions that I've seen, even though they're awesome, even though they seem awesome, I've even talked to a guy who, who worked for the MLB for like eight years.
Host
01:29:39He's like, the job doesn't pay that well and you're traveling like 200 days a year.
Host
01:29:43You know what I mean?
Host
01:29:44And so he's like working for the dog.
Host
01:29:46Oh, I won a World Series, but it's like I wasn't home for my family 200 days out of the year, you know.
Host
01:29:52And so it can, it can be very challenging in that regard, you know, when you're specifically working for a team and you're capped with how much money you can make as opposed to freelancing.
Host
01:29:59I can do this.
Host
01:30:00I can do this.
Host
01:30:01I can create a little course.
Host
01:30:02I can go do a speech here, I can do a workshop here, you know, and end up like making a lot more money that way and having a lot more freedom around your schedule as well.
Host
01:30:11Because if you work team, obviously you're working full time.
Host
01:30:13So definitely, in my opinion, stay your track, keep doing your thing, you know, do Whatever you want to do, obviously take it or leave it, but I think that what you're doing is, is awesome.
Host
01:30:20What you're doing is, is the best way that you could possibly grow yourself.
Host
01:30:23And if you can start getting clients, you know, abroad or whatever.
Host
01:30:26I know, I do know some coaches that, you know are doing international coaching remotely, you know, so that's, that's, that option is not off the table for you, you know, and start moving yourself back into the US and stuff and, and you know, with your girl there.
Host
01:30:40Be awesome.
Emil Deconnick
01:30:41Yeah, no, it's.
Emil Deconnick
01:30:42I, I actually think, I always thought that I would prefer like a full time position too, but I'm starting to realize that this freelancer position that I'm in like gives me a lot of freedom and there's just a lot of advantages to that too.
Emil Deconnick
01:31:00And I was actually talking to one of my mentors and she, she agreed with me.
Emil Deconnick
01:31:03She was like, yeah, I would stick this route too because one like you said, like money wise too, like there's a lot of ways that you can have different incomes that way.
Emil Deconnick
01:31:13But also it would like if you would have a full time position somewhere, like people would get a little more too dependent on you for like their mental performance.
Emil Deconnick
01:31:26And I always thought that that's something that I wanted, like I want to work very intensively with, with players and athletes, but eventually I don't think it would do the athletes any good if they like see me every day or like they're so dependent on me as a mental performance coach.
Emil Deconnick
01:31:43And I feel like we talked about this during the podcast too.
Emil Deconnick
01:31:46But it's, I don't want to hold people's hand necessarily.
Emil Deconnick
01:31:50I want to give them the tools so that they can regulate their own emotions, their own stress levels, etc.
Emil Deconnick
01:31:56But that's not gonna necessarily, that's not really gonna work if I'm there all the time in like a full time position.
Emil Deconnick
01:32:03So that's also where I kind of like the freelance position a lot better because that way you see them once or twice or multiple, multiple on multiple occasions during a season, for example, but you're not there all the time.
Emil Deconnick
01:32:15You make them know that you're there.
Emil Deconnick
01:32:17If they meet you and you give them, you know, your, your knowledge and your experiences and the tools that you want to provide them with so that they can eventually use them for themselves in times when they need.
Emil Deconnick
01:32:30It's, it's going to be, it's going to be more effective for them.
Emil Deconnick
01:32:34And yeah, so that's why I also really like the, the Freelance position too, definitely.
Host
01:32:39And you can come in and you can make a big impact with one speech.
Host
01:32:42You know, like I always imagine that because I live in Arizona, it's like, oh, the Arizona Cardinals, you know, hiring me to do one speech.
Host
01:32:47I'd like to get to that point where it's like, you know, this guy, this guy, he'll come in here, he'll talk for one hour and your minds will be blown and you'll be leave better, better off.
Host
01:32:55You know, you'll leave some tools, you know, that you can really use.
Host
01:32:58And so like I would just love to build myself to that point.
Host
01:33:01And so yeah, yeah, I think you're, I think you're doing the right thing.
Host
01:33:03Like I said.
Emil Deconnick
01:33:04Yeah, it's just such a tin line also like kind of a trade off in a way too.
Emil Deconnick
01:33:11And you kind of have, have to find that balance because not all people will be or yes, maybe they will be inspired in one session, but then a couple of days later they will have forgotten most of what you said.
Host
01:33:25Yep.
Emil Deconnick
01:33:25And so, but you also don't want to be there too much.
Emil Deconnick
01:33:29So it's, it's finding that balance really, I think that's going to be really important and also just for me and then we can close out is understanding that I'm not going to be able to help everyone.
Emil Deconnick
01:33:41Like, I feel like I have this need to like I want to help everyone, I want to serve everyone, but not everyone is open to being helped.
Emil Deconnick
01:33:50And that's something that, that I'm going to have to find peace with.
Emil Deconnick
01:33:52Like, it's, it's fine that not everyone wants help.
Host
01:33:56Yeah, no, I, I, I have actually had the same exact issue as well.
Host
01:33:59And there's, and I, I took a certification called Neuro Linguistic Programming.
Host
01:34:03And, and, and it's really awesome.
Host
01:34:05And they, but they have this thing is like there are no resistant clients, just inflexible communicators.
Host
01:34:11And so I'm always like, man, I must be struggling to communicate if there's any resistance, you know what I mean?
Host
01:34:16It's like I should be able to help everybody because like, you know, the people.
Host
01:34:19Yeah.
Host
01:34:19And so, but it's just not how it is.
Host
01:34:21Like, yeah, you're right.
Host
01:34:21You know, people are not always ready and it's nice to be there for those who are.
Host
01:34:25And it's nice that in that role, like you said, instead of waiting for individuals to come to you, you are, you know, hired on by the team and you get to give a speech and then those who want more, those who are More interested can come to you in that way, and that way, you're able to be that much more empower, impactful without soliciting or pushing your services on anybody, you know.
Emil Deconnick
01:34:43Yeah, I agree.
Host
01:34:44Yeah.
Host
01:34:45All right, bro.
Host
01:34:45So if anybody's interested in finding you, where can they find you?
Emil Deconnick
01:34:50Yeah, I'm.
Emil Deconnick
01:34:51I'm on LinkedIn, so.
Emil Deconnick
01:34:52Emil.
Emil Deconnick
01:34:53Emil the Cronink is definitely a good way for people to.
Emil Deconnick
01:34:57To find me because that's where I post most of my, like, like, the stuff that I do within this field.
Emil Deconnick
01:35:03But I'm also on.
Emil Deconnick
01:35:04On Instagram and then true.
Emil Deconnick
01:35:07Gmail, for example, you could.
Emil Deconnick
01:35:08They could always reach out to me.
Emil Deconnick
01:35:10I don't know if I could leave my email somewhere, but that could be a good way for them to.
Emil Deconnick
01:35:17To reach out to me if they have any questions or.
Emil Deconnick
01:35:20Or would want to work with me, too.
Emil Deconnick
01:35:21That would also be great.
Host
01:35:23Yeah.
Emil Deconnick
01:35:24Yeah.
Emil Deconnick
01:35:24LinkedIn, Instagram.
Host
01:35:25Yeah, that's awesome, dude.
Host
01:35:28I appreciate you being here, man.
Host
01:35:30Like, I'm looking forward to seeing what you do.
Host
01:35:32I'm looking forward to potentially seeing courses come out of you or YouTube channel or some speech.
Host
01:35:37Some awesome speech you did.
Host
01:35:38You know, I saw the recent graphic they created for you where you're like, you know, your soccer picture with the mental performance coaches.
Host
01:35:44I thought that was awesome.
Host
01:35:44So I was like, that's already.
Host
01:35:46You're already heading in the right direction, bro.
Host
01:35:47So it's a key thing.
Emil Deconnick
01:35:49It's really cool.
Emil Deconnick
01:35:49Yeah, I appreciate that.
Emil Deconnick
01:35:50Thank you so much.
Emil Deconnick
01:35:51And thank you to, you know, give me the opportunity to talk about what it is that I do and just to get to know you a little bit too.
Emil Deconnick
01:35:59I think what you're doing is also really, really cool and something that I see myself doing in the future too.
Emil Deconnick
01:36:05So this was a really cool experience in.
Emil Deconnick
01:36:07In that too.
Emil Deconnick
01:36:09So.
Emil Deconnick
01:36:09And then.
Emil Deconnick
01:36:10And I want to thank you for that.
Host
01:36:12I honestly appreciate you being here.
Host
01:36:13I appreciate everyone watching and, yeah, the things that we were able to touch on, you never know where we're gonna go.
Host
01:36:19That's the kind of the cool part about it.
Host
01:36:20It's like, obviously there's little bullet points, things you want to touch.
Host
01:36:23Touch on, but, you know, it's.
Host
01:36:24It's very interesting to see the direction that interview goes.
Host
01:36:26And yeah, you touched on a lot of.
Host
01:36:29A lot of great things.
Host
01:36:30A lot of great things.
Host
01:36:30You know, attachment versus authenticity, you know, you know, the communication with the kids and the parents and just a lot of things that are.
Host
01:36:38That are really, really important that I think are not necessarily talked about enough.
Host
01:36:41I think we made it very tangible today with you and your own story as an athlete.
Host
01:36:44And it's exactly what we talked about being power of the storytelling, you know?
Host
01:36:48So, yeah, you're doing great things, man.
Host
01:36:51Keep doing your thing.
Host
01:36:52Appreciate you being here and enjoy your time with you, with your lady.
Host
01:36:55All right.
Emil Deconnick
01:36:56Thank you so much.
Host
01:36:57Of course.
Emil Deconnick
01:36:57See you.
