00:00:17Healing From Ghosting
00:10:39Navigating Red, Yellow, Green Flags
00:18:45Navigating Relationship Flags and Trust
00:33:40Building Safety in Relationships
00:40:49Empowerment Through Self-Improvement
معلومات عن هذه الحلقة
Have you ever felt nervous about making new friends because you're concerned that they'll ghost you? Do you feel anxious and struggle with trust in relationships?
Have you ever been concerned about your physical safety while dating? If you answered YES to any of these questions, this show's for you.
Karen Robinson, MSW, ACSW, LCSW, CCTP-II, a seasoned mental health therapist and trauma recovery expert, brings her wealth of experience to the table. She joins Gretta to discuss the heavy toll ghosting can take on our trust and how to navigate new relationships. Karen shares practical strategies to help you create new connections, overcome the fear of opening up to others, and feel more safe and secure in relationships.
Connect with Karen Robinson, MSW, ACSW, LCSW, CCTP-II at Heal, Thrive, Dream:
Karen's CBT Classes
Connect With Gretta:
Take Your Power Back Workshop
Free and Private Facebook Support Group | Instagram | copingwithghosting.com
BetterHelp:
Go to https://betterhelp.com/copingwithghosting for 10% off your first month of therapy with BetterHelp and get matched with a therapist who will listen and help #sponsored
Mediation App:
Insight Timer
Music: "Ghosted" by Gustavo Zaiah
Disclaimer: This information is designed to mentor and guide you to cope with Ghosting by cultivating a positive mindset and implementing self-care practices. It is for educational purposes only; it solely provides self-help tools for your use. Coping With Ghosting is not providing health care or psychological therapy services and is not diagnosing or treating any physical or mental ailment of the mind or body. The content is not a substitute for therapy or any advice given by a licensed psychologist or other licensed or other registered professionals.
Note to All Listeners: Ghosting is defined as: The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication (Oxford Languages). When you leave an abusive situation without saying "goodbye," it's not ghosting, it's "self-protection." When you quietly exit a relationship after a communicated boundary has been violated, it's not ghosting, it's "self-respect."
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WEBVTT
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Welcome to Coping with Ghosting, the podcast that provides hope, healing and understanding for anyone who has been ghosted.
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I'm your host, Gretta, and if you're struggling to feel safe and secure in a romantic relationship or friendship after being ghosted, this show is for you.
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My guest, Karen Robinson, is a mental health therapist, trauma recovery expert and transformation coach with 25 years of clinical experience.
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Karen's also the host of the Heal Thrive Dream podcast and CEO and founder of Heal Thrive Dream, a mother-daughter company that includes a wide range of services and products for women recovering from trauma.
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Thank you so much for joining me today, Karen.
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Thank you, Gretta, for such a nice intro today.
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Karen, after I was ghosted by my friend in high school, I was scarred, okay.
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So when I went off to college I honestly was afraid to make new friends because I felt like it was going to happen again, cause I have been super close to my friend at my school.
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But one day I went up to her to ask her something and she just turned around and walked away and that was the last time I talked to her for years and years.
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So it really took me a while to open up to people in college and begin to feel safe in relationships again romantic and friendships and I know that many of my listeners are hesitant to open their hearts and start dating or make new friends after experiencing the trauma of being ghosted.
00:02:07.903 --> 00:02:15.282
So I'd love for you to dive into ways that listeners can feel safe in relationships.
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Sure thing.
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The first thing I would like to say is I am so sorry that happened to you, not kind, and you deserved much better than that.
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For listeners who have experienced this, I think it's really important to remember not to give up on building relationships with others.
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There's several reasons for that, but the main reason is that we heal within community.
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We are made to be in relationship with one another and, yes, that means being hurt from time to time.
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Healing is possible, hope is possible.
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I think working on our self-talk after an event like that is huge.
00:03:06.491 --> 00:03:15.972
Self-talk ideas would be saying things like I deserve to be in healthy relationships.
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I am lovable.
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I have the ability to make close friendships.
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Now, if those don't resonate with you because you talk in a different way, that's okay.
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Like it's practicing and finding the words that will work for you.
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Nothing will work for everyone the same way because we're not cookies, right, so cookie cutter approaches just don't tend to work Like for me.
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I love the belief.
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I am lovable After I experience a relationship with someone that's unkind or unhealthy, toxic.
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It almost takes the triple the effort and there is research behind this.
00:04:04.552 --> 00:04:06.816
I don't know the exact stat or number.
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Our brain gravitates to the negativity, because we need those warnings for survival.
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So it takes a lot more positive statements to kind of override our negative experiences, to override that negative tape that's playing so, feeding yourself lots and lots of affirmations or counters.
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Again, I deserve healthy relationships.
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I am lovable whatever it is for you.
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So that's my biggest suggestion.
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Now, some people, because of our subconscious saboteur I'm not sure if I'm saying that right word right now, but we still sabotage a lot and so if that's you and if you're someone that changing your thoughts is more difficult, then I would recommend taking courses in cognitive behavioral therapy and I teach that.
00:05:09.547 --> 00:05:18.302
I have a basic level and an advanced level, but there's also workbooks and things like that that you can purchase to help you with that and what that does.
00:05:18.302 --> 00:05:34.322
It helps you track your negative thinking style, it helps you challenge your thoughts by teaching different analytical tools to really challenge the way you think, and then it helps you reframe into a more healthier thought.
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So I call it my clients who struggle more with negative thoughts Maybe there's high depression or anxiety is a little higher than we do.
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Cognitive behavioral therapy work Okay.
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So that's two things so far.
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Or the simple version is just jumping to positive affirmations or counters.
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If that's difficult, the more complex step would be to do some cognitive behavioral work step would be to do some cognitive behavioral work.
00:06:10.562 --> 00:06:19.067
Okay, so the cognitive behavioral therapy course that you offer sounds really helpful and interesting, because I think it's good for any listener to do a deep dive into this topic.
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If they're really struggling with this, I know that that could help them learn a lot of personal skills and tools that will transform their relationships, so I love that idea.
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Perfect, and I can also give you the link for listeners.
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If anyone's interested in that, I'm happy to help with that.
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So another tip is work on finding your community of people that get you accept you.
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And when we talk about communities, I think this too is a deep dive on where to find your people.
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So one idea is, if you're a person of faith or any kind of spiritual connection, is finding that source.
00:07:08.154 --> 00:07:14.119
So it might be I call it church shopping, or it could be temple shopping, moth shopping, like.
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Whatever your religious background is, um.
00:07:16.904 --> 00:07:23.345
Or if you're not religious, is there another like are you, do you like stoic?
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You know readings about stoicism.
00:07:26.512 --> 00:07:32.470
There's people who really love that and the reading is actually really well done.
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I find it quite inspiring.
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So, finding like-minded people.
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It could be spiritual, it could be sports If you love sports, like are there any rec teams that you could get involved in?
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I am also an avid reader.
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I love books.
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I probably go through three a week.
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So book clubs can be placed with like-minded people.
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When you find like-minded people, it's just easier to engage and make connections.
00:08:03.906 --> 00:08:14.730
Especially if we're a little shy or have been bamdoozled before from toxic relationships, it can help us practice being more confident.
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Again, concept of meetups because you can safely interact with people based on interest in groups, so it's less intimidating.
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It feels safer too, especially if you move to a new area, but from there it's an opportunity to make closer relationships as well through that.
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So that's another tip I really like
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Listeners may know, because I've talked about it in other podcast episodes that I love meetups too and it's one of my favorite places to make new friends.
00:08:54.221 --> 00:09:36.428
And I have a follow-up question on that, because I feel like some of my listeners may be hopeful and optimistic and even excited to go to a meetup group or a sports rec club or something like that, or a book club, but they might still be genuinely terrified of getting too friendly and too emotionally involved with people because unfriendly and too emotionally involved with people, because and I'm going to do a quote from my um, one of my online communities because people can be nice and charming and sweet and adore you today and then tomorrow they may never speak to you again.
00:09:36.428 --> 00:09:41.846
So I'm just wondering what, how, what you would say to somebody who's feeling that way.
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I really love that question.
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I think one of the best mindset tips around this is you don't want to be in relationship with someone who's fake or doesn't have your best interests at heart.
00:10:01.927 --> 00:10:11.908
So the minute someone does that to you and I know this is a challenging thing, I'm not saying this is easy.
00:10:11.908 --> 00:10:23.832
I think it's important to work so you're at the place where you can say, oh, thank goodness, because that person is not meant to be in my life.
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Now I know.
00:10:25.875 --> 00:10:31.251
So now I can move on and find my people that are going to be healthy.
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So, hopefully, if you're meeting someone that's going to do that, they do it really quickly.
00:10:39.042 --> 00:10:51.615
And then practicing and I tell people too, with this with dating, like finding out on the third date that someone is mean or toxic is way better than the 50th date, right?
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And of course, the person on the third date when they thought this, like they're excited, like, oh, things are going so well, they're hopeful.
00:11:00.554 --> 00:11:04.869
You know it can be devastating to learn something hard.
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You know about this person or they're rejecting in some way.
00:11:08.282 --> 00:11:28.163
But if we practice the mindset of, oh, I have gratitude to learn this now, because now I can move on to find my healthy people to be in relationship with find my healthy people to be in relationship with.
00:11:28.182 --> 00:11:29.605
When somebody thinks, okay, this person seems really nice.
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I've been going to meetups for a while now.
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I've seen them every week.
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They seem like a genuine nice person, but I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm scared to take this friendship to the next level and maybe hang out with them outside of this group or, you know, go go out to dinner with them, do something else, because I'm afraid of being ghosted.
00:11:52.120 --> 00:11:55.568
What would you say to that person?
00:11:55.589 --> 00:12:01.842
Yeah, For that person.
00:12:01.842 --> 00:12:06.653
I would suggest thinking about all the steps involved.
00:12:06.653 --> 00:12:18.611
Let's say there's four steps and I'm just making that number off at the top of my head and just slowly do the baby steps so you're working in that direction.
00:12:18.611 --> 00:12:28.534
So, for an example could be just something as simple as you know, asking that person for their phone number.
00:12:28.534 --> 00:12:36.350
So like, oh, you know, it's okay if I text you once in a while, you know, to talk about acts like whatever the mutual activity is.
00:12:36.350 --> 00:12:43.390
You know, that could be like step A and again, this may not even be in the right order.
00:12:43.390 --> 00:12:50.969
Like, I really feel like I need to know the person in order to help them with the steps in the order, because everybody's kind of on a different journey.
00:12:52.000 --> 00:13:01.368
But another tip would be to be honest with that person and just say, hey, I want to share with you and this is me being vulnerable.
00:13:01.368 --> 00:13:09.384
You know I've had a recent rejection from someone, so it's made me a little shy and hesitant.
00:13:09.384 --> 00:13:12.974
You know, do you have any thoughts about that?
00:13:12.974 --> 00:13:20.615
Like, would you be interested in us connecting and going out to lunch and just gauging that?
00:13:20.615 --> 00:13:35.743
You know, taking those little baby steps I think can be helpful Because then, if the person is, they have an opportunity to say I don't think we're a good fit, you know, or however they say it, and then it's good to you know.
00:13:35.743 --> 00:13:48.662
It's good to know because now you can move on to building those healthy relationships with someone else, someone else you know.
00:13:48.701 --> 00:13:52.479
And another step is you know, just let's say that you really want to go on a camping excursion with this person, but you're doing these baby steps, you know so.
00:13:52.479 --> 00:13:55.248
Then, of course, another step would be going out for coffee or tea.
00:13:55.248 --> 00:14:00.022
So I hope that concept of baby steps is helpful.
00:14:00.022 --> 00:14:08.855
And again, if you have a therapist, it would be really great to work with them on like a plan or someone that you trust with the plan.
00:14:10.440 --> 00:14:16.389
That is great advice and something that is important to remember.
00:14:16.389 --> 00:14:20.414
When you're just meeting people, you just take it one day at a time.
00:14:20.414 --> 00:14:32.307
This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp, so being ghosted can be extremely upsetting and overwhelming like a punch to the gut.
00:14:32.307 --> 00:14:41.575
It can bring out past emotional wounds and intense feelings, and what really helps is talking about these issues with a therapist.
00:14:41.575 --> 00:15:03.028
Regardless of whether you have clinical mental health issues like depression or anxiety, or if you're just a human who lives in this world and is going through a hard time, therapy can give you tools to approach your life in a very different way, and that's why I'm excited to tell you about today's sponsor, betterhelp.
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Betterhelp's mission is to make therapy more affordable and more accessible, and this is an important mission because finding a therapist can be really hard, especially when you're limited to the options in your area.
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Betterhelp is a platform that makes finding a therapist easier because it's online, it's remote and by filling out a few questions, betterhelp can match you to a professional therapist in as little as a few days.
00:15:33.158 --> 00:15:36.850
It's easy to sign up and get matched with a therapist.
00:15:36.850 --> 00:15:38.525
There's a link in my show notes.
00:15:38.525 --> 00:15:42.070
It's betterhelpcom slash copingwithghosting.
00:15:42.070 --> 00:15:45.589
Clicking that link helps support my podcast.
00:15:45.589 --> 00:16:13.735
But it also gets you 10% off your first month of better help so you can connect with a therapist and see if it helps you, and because finding a therapist is a little like dating if you don't really fit with that therapist which is a common thing with therapy you can easily switch to a new therapist at no additional cost, without stressing about insurance, who's in your network or anything like that.
00:16:14.500 --> 00:16:19.753
So therapy helped me overcome many challenges after being ghosted.
00:16:19.753 --> 00:16:23.360
It's truly an act of self-care and healing.
00:16:23.360 --> 00:16:27.812
So if you're struggling, consider online therapy with BetterHelp.
00:16:27.812 --> 00:16:32.089
Click the link in the show notes or visit betterhelpcom.
00:16:32.089 --> 00:16:33.793
Slash copingwithghosting.
00:16:33.793 --> 00:16:38.389
That's betterhelp H-E-L-P dot com.
00:16:38.389 --> 00:16:40.653
Slash copingwithghosting.
00:16:40.653 --> 00:16:44.791
Thank you again, betterhelp, for supporting my podcast.
00:16:44.791 --> 00:16:55.090
So now let's go back to the other things you were going to share about how to feel safe in relationships.
00:16:57.034 --> 00:16:58.277
Yeah, now this.
00:16:58.277 --> 00:17:02.360
I don't know if this tip will necessarily help with safety.
00:17:02.360 --> 00:17:07.085
I think that's an interesting word that I want to come back to.
00:17:07.085 --> 00:17:24.057
But in terms of having those flags in relationships when you're trying to figure out, let's take dating, for example and I think this could work for friendships too, but dating is a little bit easier to describe this with.
00:17:24.958 --> 00:17:37.585
When I was coming after a divorce with someone that was toxic, one of the things I stumbled across in my work is I was doing some couples counseling at the time.
00:17:37.585 --> 00:17:43.308
I don't I don't like the name of this book at all, but it was really helpful.
00:17:43.308 --> 00:17:47.750
It's called the Idiot's Guide to Healthy Relationships.
00:17:47.750 --> 00:17:57.624
Okay, terrible name, but I was feeling like an idiot because here I was a couples therapist struggling myself within relationships.
00:17:57.624 --> 00:18:00.037
It's like hello, didn't you study this?
00:18:00.037 --> 00:18:01.038
Like what's going on here?
00:18:01.038 --> 00:18:05.936
Well, first of all, it takes two people to make a healthy relationship right.
00:18:05.936 --> 00:18:15.911
You can't control the other person and, second of all, we as individuals always have work to do to be as healthy as possible ourselves.
00:18:15.911 --> 00:18:44.808
So I was working on my part after that relationship failed, and so I studied that book and then I started to use it in my client sessions and what I really found impactful is this concept of flags the red flags, yellow flags and green flags Okay, and so I use this process when I started to date again and it was incredibly helpful.
00:18:45.977 --> 00:18:47.262
So let's start with the red flags.
00:18:47.262 --> 00:18:49.603
The red flags are no-goes.
00:18:49.603 --> 00:18:52.086
You do not want to be in relationship with people the red flags the red flags are no-goes.
00:18:52.086 --> 00:18:54.208
You do not want to be in relationship with people with red flags.
00:18:54.208 --> 00:19:02.280
And for me because I had a lot of breathing problems is I will not date a smoker.
00:19:02.280 --> 00:19:06.308
Cigarettes are off the table or smoking anything really.
00:19:06.308 --> 00:19:18.006
Now that's I didn't think of it at the the time, but that probably would be true for friends too as well friends to go away with, especially in hotel rooms or camping or something.
00:19:18.006 --> 00:19:29.961
I think I do have a couple friends now that smoke, but when we are doing activities together they're not smoking, like we go to the movies, or one of my friends actually is in my Bible study group.
00:19:29.961 --> 00:19:30.781
I know she smokes.
00:19:30.781 --> 00:19:33.884
So I don't judge people for smoking.
00:19:33.884 --> 00:19:44.476
I just know that like talk about, like dating, to kiss someone they can't be a smoker.
00:19:44.476 --> 00:19:45.916
If you've got breathing problems, that's.
00:19:45.916 --> 00:19:46.218
That's a no go.
00:19:46.218 --> 00:19:46.778
So red flag was an example.
00:19:46.778 --> 00:19:47.019
Is smoking.
00:19:47.038 --> 00:19:50.301
Now, when I was dating, I was a single mother because I had a child in my.
00:19:50.301 --> 00:19:52.104
Now, when I was dating, I was a single mother because I had a child in my marriage.
00:19:52.104 --> 00:19:58.951
So a yellow flag for me was children the other person having children Like I could go either way.
00:19:58.951 --> 00:20:17.993
Now, when I say I could go either way, meaning if they had maybe one or two, but I actually went on a date with someone who had something like seven children and so that, so the number of children mattered.
00:20:17.993 --> 00:20:26.914
I did not want to be an instant mother of you know, I had two on my own at that point, cause I had one in the marriage, and then I adopted a child as a single mom.
00:20:26.914 --> 00:20:31.595
So I was like, taking on all those other children, that's a no go for me.
00:20:31.595 --> 00:20:32.269
That's just that's not going to all those other children.
00:20:32.269 --> 00:20:34.401
That's a no-go for me, that's just, that's not going to be healthy for me.
00:20:34.401 --> 00:20:36.086
That's a lot of responsibilities.
00:20:36.935 --> 00:21:05.622
And then the green flags are what you must have in a relationship and I would say this goes closely with your value system, right, and so if you're a bleeding heart liberal with social justice causes and just have a passion for that, you're probably gonna not do so well, especially in close, intimate relationships with someone who's extremely conservative.
00:21:05.622 --> 00:21:11.704
Okay, I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but for some people that is a red flag.
00:21:11.704 --> 00:21:12.816
Other people can do it.
00:21:12.816 --> 00:21:26.066
You know, I have tried to date people outside of my political affiliation and it's no go for me because my values are tied up in my voting practices, right.
00:21:26.066 --> 00:21:29.336
So those are just some kind of examples.
00:21:29.336 --> 00:21:37.284
So, knowing what your flags are, what your green flags are, what your values are, knowing what are no-goes for you.
00:21:38.125 --> 00:21:43.130
I had a client once that went away with a friend and they stayed in a resort.
00:21:43.130 --> 00:21:44.432
They were in a hotel room.
00:21:44.432 --> 00:21:58.806
That friend had brought a lot of drugs illegal drugs with her and my client had a security clearance, a high level security clearance.
00:21:58.806 --> 00:22:07.042
So, as you can imagine, that put her in an immediate state of high anxiety to be rooming with someone with all these drugs.
00:22:07.042 --> 00:22:12.530
And then the friend started partaking and became aggressive.
00:22:12.530 --> 00:22:15.459
Okay, so we talked.
00:22:15.459 --> 00:22:18.025
When she came back, she now has this book as well.
00:22:18.025 --> 00:22:28.178
Okay, so next time you choose to go away with a friend, having some pre-calls, pre-conversations on what's not, okay.
00:22:28.178 --> 00:22:32.223
Any questions about the flags?
00:22:33.586 --> 00:22:41.684
I love the flags and I have a whole episode it's all about red flags and ghosting, so I completely agree.
00:22:41.684 --> 00:22:44.678
I believe that we need to know the red flags.
00:22:44.678 --> 00:22:53.021
I'd like to share some questions from the listening community and the Facebook community in particular.
00:22:53.021 --> 00:22:58.548
I have been ghosted in the past and now I fear that my partner will leave me.
00:22:58.548 --> 00:23:05.087
What are reasonable things to ask a partner to help me feel more safe in my relationship?
00:23:05.087 --> 00:23:08.805
I tend to need a lot of reassurance.
00:23:09.994 --> 00:23:11.161
Yeah, really great question.
00:23:11.161 --> 00:23:13.776
Tend to need a lot of reassurance.
00:23:13.776 --> 00:23:14.377
Yeah, really great question.
00:23:14.377 --> 00:23:18.625
So, first of all, you want to be with a partner that isn't stingy with reassurance.
00:23:18.625 --> 00:23:27.352
They should hand it to you on a plate, okay, but you have to verbalize that you're feeling insecure.
00:23:27.352 --> 00:23:31.130
If that's what your experience is right now, you, you know.
00:23:31.130 --> 00:23:39.396
So it could be something like look, I know that this isn't necessarily healthy, but right now I'm struggling with insecurity.
00:23:39.396 --> 00:23:48.599
Are you going to be okay with giving me reassurance and then stating directly what you need to make that happen?
00:23:48.599 --> 00:24:02.157
It could be for, for example, now I recommend this more if the relationship is at a deeper level, where there's a commitment, because otherwise it's too intrusive, I think.
00:24:02.419 --> 00:24:07.328
So, let's say, you've been dating for a long time and it looks more serious.
00:24:07.328 --> 00:24:09.477
I think it's okay to say you know.
00:24:09.477 --> 00:24:22.930
One of the things that would help me feel better is if we had joint or mutual access to each other's email, phone texting.
00:24:22.930 --> 00:24:34.359
I would just feel better to be able to see in your phone that you're not in relationship with other women able to see in your phone that you're not in relationship with other women.
00:24:34.359 --> 00:24:36.365
That would help reassure me With someone with nothing to hide.
00:24:36.365 --> 00:24:37.807
That's going to be.
00:24:37.807 --> 00:24:38.971
That's a no brainer.
00:24:38.971 --> 00:24:44.809
Yeah, like I was sure you know, I hope that helps you feel better Now.
00:24:44.950 --> 00:24:56.681
If someone you're dating is too private, that could just be their value, or it could be that they're hiding something, but either way, they're not a match for you right now.
00:24:56.681 --> 00:25:04.059
If you're feeling insecure and you need that reassurance, you know.
00:25:04.059 --> 00:25:14.231
So it really is about being in relationship with people that value you where you're at and you valuing where they're at.
00:25:14.231 --> 00:25:31.560
So if privacy if you're not valuing somebody else's privacy because your need for reassurance, being able to say that and getting on the same page with that so that's one thing I would recommend.
00:25:33.284 --> 00:25:37.896
How often is it okay to ask a partner for reassurance?
00:25:37.896 --> 00:25:40.561
Is there such thing as too much?
00:25:43.106 --> 00:25:44.689
I think it can feel that way in the beginning.
00:25:44.689 --> 00:25:56.380
I think if the partner is super willing to do it and is open to it, a thousand percent of the time that need will go away.
00:25:56.380 --> 00:25:58.365
Actually, I'm very sure it will go away.
00:25:58.365 --> 00:26:05.208
The problem is, if you're in a relationship with someone toxic, it'll just get worse.
00:26:05.208 --> 00:26:08.056
Thus, toxic relationships are not what you want.
00:26:08.056 --> 00:26:08.256
Thus help.
00:26:08.256 --> 00:26:11.118
Toxic relationships are not what you want, right.
00:26:12.599 --> 00:26:26.011
And so what are some signs in a partner that aren't verbal that would could reassure you that you're in a trustworthy, secure relationship.
00:26:29.175 --> 00:26:30.337
What are some signs to look for?
00:26:30.357 --> 00:26:35.041
I think someone that will, you know, leave their phone around like they're not hiding it.
00:26:35.041 --> 00:26:46.092
Someone that doesn't close their computer when you walk in the room like it's open and if you're walking by you can see kind of thing.
00:26:46.092 --> 00:26:48.835
Now, of course, there's exceptions, like I'm a therapist.
00:26:48.835 --> 00:26:53.119
If my husband comes into the room, he knows I have to.
00:26:53.119 --> 00:26:55.142
If I'm writing a client note, he knows.
00:26:55.142 --> 00:26:59.086
But he also knows he can trust me at this point.
00:26:59.086 --> 00:27:03.872
Right, he doesn't have any need to be reassured that I'm not doing something I'm not supposed to.
00:27:14.474 --> 00:27:16.898
Yeah, so I think just someone that's very open with you, you know, and willing to be open with you.
00:27:16.898 --> 00:27:33.778
So, for example, if your partner says I'm going out with my friends on this night, if you say something like okay, well, could could you call and check in with me and reassure me, that should be a no-brainer like oh sure, no problem.
00:27:33.778 --> 00:27:41.678
If someone really cares about you and they're healthy, they're going to want to do those things.
00:27:41.678 --> 00:27:43.121
That's what love is.
00:27:43.121 --> 00:28:01.700
So if someone doesn't want to reassure you or do little things to help you feel more secure, they're not someone I would want to be in a relationship with and I know that, personally and professionally, at this point I agree.
00:28:01.720 --> 00:28:06.630
I have another question from the listening community.
00:28:06.630 --> 00:28:11.076
I've suffered PTSD around being ghosted.
00:28:11.076 --> 00:28:15.542
Now I have a hard time trusting people, even if they seem great.
00:28:15.542 --> 00:28:17.384
How do I know?
00:28:17.384 --> 00:28:29.369
The difference between anxiety and my gut feelings Is my anxiety, intuition or trauma.
00:28:30.315 --> 00:28:31.699
This question is way more complex, right?
00:28:31.699 --> 00:28:40.710
Sometimes I don't think we can tell because it's so enmeshed with each other, and I think that's okay.
00:28:40.710 --> 00:28:52.727
A tip I have on this would be decreasing the anxiety as a general goal.
00:28:52.727 --> 00:28:59.467
So an example would be practicing meditation to a high degree.
00:28:59.467 --> 00:29:06.601
So if you met people that meditate religiously and consistently, they aren't anxious at all.
00:29:06.601 --> 00:29:08.819
That's research proven.
00:29:08.819 --> 00:29:16.241
And I know that we can't be a monk and go move into the mountains super easy, Like if you have a career and a family and all that.
00:29:16.241 --> 00:29:23.084
But you can do pieces of that and research shows even a couple minutes a day can make a difference.
00:29:23.084 --> 00:29:26.641
But of course you want to build that skill up.
00:29:26.641 --> 00:29:31.278
Now I have people who are anxious tell me oh, I can't do this, I can't sit still.
00:29:31.278 --> 00:29:37.698
The more anxious you are, the more you need to do this, the more practice.
00:29:37.698 --> 00:29:42.758
It's okay to start out with two minutes and go to three minutes, you know, and build yourself up.
00:29:42.758 --> 00:29:46.948
So that would take care of the anxiety over time.
00:29:46.948 --> 00:29:58.498
Now if you have a family history of anxiety or if you feel like it's chemically related, then you know, of course you may benefit from what's called an antidepressant.
00:29:58.498 --> 00:30:04.726
An antidepressant helps with both anxiety and depression and is not addictive.
00:30:06.127 --> 00:30:17.483
Meds that are specific for anxiety, those are called benzos and those are addictive and I do not recommend those, no matter how anxious you are.
00:30:17.483 --> 00:30:32.519
I think there could be a couple exceptions, like for breakthrough panic, if you're completely debilitated by anxiety, but that would be under a close care under your physician.
00:30:32.519 --> 00:30:37.429
But overall, benzos are not healthy for the long term.
00:30:37.429 --> 00:30:40.376
They cause dependency issues.
00:30:40.376 --> 00:31:03.393
So meditation I recommend meditation all day long, every day, and I'm not so great about practicing what I preach, but I do know, based on when I am consistent and based on research, it's one of the best ways to work on bringing down your anxiety and also increasing your confidence.
00:31:03.393 --> 00:31:13.962
When you're more centered, you're going to be more confident in the decisions that you're making and trusting your intuition.
00:31:13.962 --> 00:31:14.925
So I hope I answered it.
00:31:14.925 --> 00:31:18.319
I know it's not like do A and everything's going to be okay.
00:31:18.319 --> 00:31:20.645
It's not one of those types of questions or answers.
00:31:22.435 --> 00:31:34.186
I love meditation so much and I just got a habit tracker which I have on my wall and I have meditation on it and it's supposed to be one of my daily practices.
00:31:34.186 --> 00:31:49.349
The app I would recommend for meditation is called insight timer and it's free, and so I'll put a link to it in the show notes, and there's several different apps online that have timers and guided meditations.
00:31:49.349 --> 00:31:55.579
You can even go to YouTube to find any type of meditation that you like, and I highly recommend it.
00:31:55.579 --> 00:31:56.041
It's great.
00:31:56.041 --> 00:31:59.743
I have another question.
00:31:59.743 --> 00:32:26.885
There's a question that says I was ghosted by a person who told me I'd never ghost you, and now I have trouble believing people's words, and I'm currently in a relationship with a great person and they constantly reassure me that things are fine, but how can I manage my anxiety here it comes up again around being abandoned.
00:32:27.536 --> 00:32:50.309
I'm tempted to leave the relationship before they leave me well, leaving is always an option, but I think you're going to find yourself constantly leaving, and that's kind of the opposite of what your goal is, if your goal is to be in a healthy relationship.
00:32:50.309 --> 00:33:04.607
I'd like to put this tidbit out too, and I don't know if it's necessarily reassuring, but I think it's factual and so it can help with mind shift, mind shifting.
00:33:04.607 --> 00:33:08.922
And this is the thing about relationships.
00:33:08.922 --> 00:33:11.607
There are just no guarantees.
00:33:11.607 --> 00:33:18.847
Nobody can reassure you and mean it forever.
00:33:18.847 --> 00:33:31.015
Nobody can marry you Like marriage is supposed to be this commitment forever and ever, can marry you Like marriage is supposed to be this commitment forever and ever.
00:33:31.015 --> 00:33:35.224
And how do you explain divorce if people mean what they say on their wedding day?
00:33:35.224 --> 00:33:38.604
That's the best way I can think of to say it that way.
00:33:40.556 --> 00:33:55.878
So I talk to people about when you have one foot in and one foot out of a relationship, like you're kind of on guard, waiting for them to leave or waiting for them to mess up or waiting for yourself to sabotage it or leave.
00:33:55.878 --> 00:33:58.365
It just doesn't work.
00:33:58.365 --> 00:34:06.342
You can't have one foot in, one foot out and expect it to work, because there's no guarantees in relationships.
00:34:06.342 --> 00:34:10.650
People could wake up and leave.
00:34:10.650 --> 00:34:13.559
We could wake up and leave.
00:34:13.559 --> 00:34:15.063
That's free will.
00:34:15.063 --> 00:34:16.387
Everybody has that choice.
00:34:16.387 --> 00:34:25.684
So since there's no guarantees and that you could get hurt, why not just be in a relationship with two feet in?
00:34:25.684 --> 00:34:31.686
We think being on guard will protect our heart and help us feel less pain.
00:34:31.686 --> 00:34:33.159
But there is no evidence.
00:34:33.159 --> 00:34:35.286
You know, pain is pain.
00:34:35.286 --> 00:34:37.121
You have a half a foot in.
00:34:37.121 --> 00:34:39.380
It just doesn't work.
00:34:39.380 --> 00:34:42.259
If it worked, I would say, do that, but it really doesn't work.
00:34:42.259 --> 00:34:43.242
So two feet in.
00:34:43.242 --> 00:34:46.423
There are no guarantees of the relationships.
00:34:46.423 --> 00:34:54.740
Take people at their word until they give you evidence of not being able to do so any longer.
00:34:56.864 --> 00:34:59.389
Thank you for sharing your wisdom around that.
00:34:59.389 --> 00:35:01.496
I think that's going to help a lot of people.
00:35:01.496 --> 00:35:03.278
I want to circle back to the original question.
00:35:03.278 --> 00:35:06.202
I want to circle back to the original question.
00:35:06.202 --> 00:35:13.050
Are there any other ways that listeners can feel safe in relationships?
00:35:13.050 --> 00:35:16.195
We've discussed a lot.
00:35:16.195 --> 00:35:20.447
I'm just wondering if you have any other advice around this.
00:35:23.936 --> 00:35:45.565
Well, some of this advice, I think, is probably just Well.
00:35:45.565 --> 00:35:55.327
Some of this advice, I think-defense courses, Because when we do that physically it helps with feeling emotionally safe as well, because it's just confidence.
00:35:55.327 --> 00:35:59.606
So I think self-defense, I think working on your confidence.
00:35:59.606 --> 00:36:07.666
We talked about affirmations earlier but mantras is something similar but they're sometimes kind of shorter and more concise.
00:36:07.666 --> 00:36:16.509
So it's doing the Wonder Woman pose, where your hands are on your hips, your chest is out, your head is looking up.
00:36:16.936 --> 00:36:28.929
If you're voluptuous, you know, putting that out there, looking as confident as possible, like practicing that pose can help us with our safety.
00:36:28.929 --> 00:36:34.681
It could be having like a little alarm on your key ring.
00:36:34.681 --> 00:36:42.398
There's all kinds of things to help with safety and you know, I know the person who wrote that probably is meaning emotional safety.
00:36:42.398 --> 00:36:54.092
But because our physical bodies bear so much of the anxiety when we don't feel emotionally safe, working on those areas will help with that.
00:36:54.092 --> 00:37:04.275
So it's all interconnected Because, remember, our brains and our bodies are in one vessel, so what helps with one thing can help with another.
00:37:04.275 --> 00:37:07.905
If you work on your mental mindset, you're going to be physically healthy.
00:37:11.355 --> 00:37:13.003
If you work on your physical health, you're going to be physically healthy.
00:37:13.003 --> 00:37:15.534
If you work on your physical health, you're going to be mentally healthy.
00:37:18.775 --> 00:37:34.827
Those are all great points, and if you're starting to date somebody, or if you're starting to hang out with a friend or a potential friend that you met individually at a meetup group and now you're doing something one-on-one, always make sure that you're going to meet them, you know, in the beginning, in a safe space.
00:37:34.827 --> 00:37:43.918
So a public space like a coffee shop during the daytime that's well lit, so that you feel like you know there's other people around.
00:37:43.918 --> 00:37:45.864
If something happens, they'll see it.
00:37:45.864 --> 00:37:49.000
You're not going to be alone with them in their bedroom.
00:37:49.000 --> 00:37:50.922
So that's another way to feel safe.
00:37:50.922 --> 00:37:58.186
Is there anything else you'd like to share about ghosting or being ghosted in general?
00:38:00.632 --> 00:38:05.998
I want to repeat the point about not giving up on safe relationships or healthy relationships.
00:38:05.998 --> 00:38:17.371
I like the idea, too, of having a person where you share your location with on your phone.
00:38:17.371 --> 00:38:21.398
My daughters and I do that for each other and I love that.
00:38:21.398 --> 00:38:25.608
My daughter, who's in college she's almost 21.
00:38:25.608 --> 00:38:26.777
I love that.
00:38:26.777 --> 00:38:41.945
She trusts me enough for her location to be on and because she trusts me and I trust her, I don't even actually I've never even looked at it as my other daughter that will look at it who's 14.
00:38:41.945 --> 00:38:53.963
She tracks down her sister like oh well, we won't call her right, now's working, but I think it's just so reassuring for family too, if for young women, but it can be any.
00:38:54.184 --> 00:38:57.795
Any age at age doesn't make you more safe.
00:38:57.795 --> 00:39:03.447
It probably makes you have this false idea like you're too wise for something to happen.
00:39:03.447 --> 00:39:13.862
But anyway, the point is sharing your location I think can be helpful, right, yeah, even Uber rides.
00:39:13.862 --> 00:39:15.224
I share it when I'm in my Uber.
00:39:15.224 --> 00:39:21.829
They have that option on on there where you can share with somebody else so they can track your route.
00:39:21.829 --> 00:39:23.034
I love that.
00:39:23.034 --> 00:39:24.657
I love those little safety features.
00:39:25.840 --> 00:39:50.538
That's great and for anybody who's dating, whenever I'm coaching, I recommend that they screenshot the image of the person they're going on the date with and share it with somebody they trust, who they know can be there for them, and have say okay, I'm going on a date at this time and this is the person I'm going on a date at this time and this is the person I'm going with and I'm going to text you by 10 PM tonight.
00:39:50.538 --> 00:39:55.688
If not, give me a call and have a plan in place for if I don't reach out to you.
00:39:55.688 --> 00:39:56.014
Yeah.
00:39:56.637 --> 00:39:58.460
Another idea is to do a background check.
00:39:58.460 --> 00:40:12.750
It may not be feasible for the first date per se, but if if it's getting to the point where you're going to allow them to pick you up and go somewhere, you may want to pay to have a background check done.
00:40:12.750 --> 00:40:16.454
Obviously, it won't make things a hundred.
00:40:16.454 --> 00:40:27.329
I mean there's criminals who don't have a background check right, but at least you'll know if they already have a record of stalking or domestic violence.
00:40:27.329 --> 00:40:28.920
You will find out that way.
00:40:28.920 --> 00:40:47.585
So I've done that quite a bit when I was dating too is just go ahead and pay, and it really helped me feel safe when I was dating.
00:40:47.585 --> 00:40:49.228
Yeah, thank you.
00:40:49.228 --> 00:40:56.579
So healthrivedreamcom and I have a free gift on the homepage of the website.
00:40:56.579 --> 00:41:05.541
It's called the Hope Tool, so people who want to stay in touch or connected with my work can see the link for that.
00:41:05.541 --> 00:41:08.565
It's healthrivedreamcom.
00:41:08.565 --> 00:41:20.369
Forward slash, get hyphen hope, and I will also provide Gretta with the CBT course link, just in case you have a listener that's interested in that.
00:41:21.474 --> 00:41:26.543
Thank, you and I will put all that information in the show notes.
00:41:26.543 --> 00:41:29.769
I really appreciate your coming on the show today.
00:41:31.036 --> 00:41:32.561
Thank you very much for having me.
00:41:34.476 --> 00:41:35.360
And listeners.
00:41:35.360 --> 00:41:46.661
If you haven't already, I invite you to check out my Take your Power Back workshop, which you can find over at copingwithghostingcom, this interactive video download.
00:41:46.661 --> 00:41:53.664
It's under an hour and it's going to help you change your story, focus on yourself and feel better again.
00:41:53.664 --> 00:41:55.146
So go check it out.
00:41:55.146 --> 00:41:56.958
Rebuild your confidence today.
00:41:56.958 --> 00:42:00.809
Finally, be sure to remember when you're ghosted.
00:42:00.809 --> 00:42:06.880
You have more time to connect with yourself and people who have stellar communication skills.
00:42:06.880 --> 00:42:09.021
You deserve the best.
00:00:17.954 --> 00:00:25.827
Welcome to Coping with Ghosting, the podcast that provides hope, healing and understanding for anyone who has been ghosted.
00:00:25.827 --> 00:00:38.713
I'm your host, Gretta, and if you're struggling to feel safe and secure in a romantic relationship or friendship after being ghosted, this show is for you.
00:00:38.713 --> 00:00:50.308
My guest, Karen Robinson, is a mental health therapist, trauma recovery expert and transformation coach with 25 years of clinical experience.
00:00:50.308 --> 00:01:05.712
Karen's also the host of the Heal Thrive Dream podcast and CEO and founder of Heal Thrive Dream, a mother-daughter company that includes a wide range of services and products for women recovering from trauma.
00:01:05.712 --> 00:01:08.590
Thank you so much for joining me today, Karen.
00:01:10.460 --> 00:01:13.189
Thank you, Gretta, for such a nice intro today.
00:01:14.219 --> 00:01:21.221
Karen, after I was ghosted by my friend in high school, I was scarred, okay.
00:01:21.221 --> 00:01:34.581
So when I went off to college I honestly was afraid to make new friends because I felt like it was going to happen again, cause I have been super close to my friend at my school.
00:01:34.581 --> 00:01:45.475
But one day I went up to her to ask her something and she just turned around and walked away and that was the last time I talked to her for years and years.
00:01:45.475 --> 00:02:07.903
So it really took me a while to open up to people in college and begin to feel safe in relationships again romantic and friendships and I know that many of my listeners are hesitant to open their hearts and start dating or make new friends after experiencing the trauma of being ghosted.
00:02:07.903 --> 00:02:15.282
So I'd love for you to dive into ways that listeners can feel safe in relationships.
00:02:16.582 --> 00:02:17.104
Sure thing.
00:02:17.104 --> 00:02:28.477
The first thing I would like to say is I am so sorry that happened to you, not kind, and you deserved much better than that.
00:02:28.477 --> 00:02:41.251
For listeners who have experienced this, I think it's really important to remember not to give up on building relationships with others.
00:02:41.251 --> 00:02:48.092
There's several reasons for that, but the main reason is that we heal within community.
00:02:48.092 --> 00:02:55.253
We are made to be in relationship with one another and, yes, that means being hurt from time to time.
00:02:55.253 --> 00:02:59.549
Healing is possible, hope is possible.
00:03:01.980 --> 00:03:06.491
I think working on our self-talk after an event like that is huge.
00:03:06.491 --> 00:03:15.972
Self-talk ideas would be saying things like I deserve to be in healthy relationships.
00:03:15.972 --> 00:03:18.508
I am lovable.
00:03:18.508 --> 00:03:24.572
I have the ability to make close friendships.
00:03:24.572 --> 00:03:33.332
Now, if those don't resonate with you because you talk in a different way, that's okay.
00:03:33.332 --> 00:03:37.790
Like it's practicing and finding the words that will work for you.
00:03:37.790 --> 00:03:48.205
Nothing will work for everyone the same way because we're not cookies, right, so cookie cutter approaches just don't tend to work Like for me.
00:03:48.205 --> 00:03:49.949
I love the belief.
00:03:49.949 --> 00:03:59.627
I am lovable After I experience a relationship with someone that's unkind or unhealthy, toxic.
00:04:00.788 --> 00:04:04.552
It almost takes the triple the effort and there is research behind this.
00:04:04.552 --> 00:04:06.816
I don't know the exact stat or number.
00:04:06.816 --> 00:04:14.272
Our brain gravitates to the negativity, because we need those warnings for survival.
00:04:14.272 --> 00:04:32.488
So it takes a lot more positive statements to kind of override our negative experiences, to override that negative tape that's playing so, feeding yourself lots and lots of affirmations or counters.
00:04:32.488 --> 00:04:36.194
Again, I deserve healthy relationships.
00:04:36.194 --> 00:04:39.966
I am lovable whatever it is for you.
00:04:39.966 --> 00:04:43.733
So that's my biggest suggestion.
00:04:44.694 --> 00:05:09.547
Now, some people, because of our subconscious saboteur I'm not sure if I'm saying that right word right now, but we still sabotage a lot and so if that's you and if you're someone that changing your thoughts is more difficult, then I would recommend taking courses in cognitive behavioral therapy and I teach that.
00:05:09.547 --> 00:05:18.302
I have a basic level and an advanced level, but there's also workbooks and things like that that you can purchase to help you with that and what that does.
00:05:18.302 --> 00:05:34.322
It helps you track your negative thinking style, it helps you challenge your thoughts by teaching different analytical tools to really challenge the way you think, and then it helps you reframe into a more healthier thought.
00:05:34.322 --> 00:05:46.529
So I call it my clients who struggle more with negative thoughts Maybe there's high depression or anxiety is a little higher than we do.
00:05:46.529 --> 00:05:49.540
Cognitive behavioral therapy work Okay.
00:05:49.540 --> 00:05:51.208
So that's two things so far.
00:05:51.208 --> 00:05:57.653
Or the simple version is just jumping to positive affirmations or counters.
00:05:57.653 --> 00:06:10.543
If that's difficult, the more complex step would be to do some cognitive behavioral work step would be to do some cognitive behavioral work.
00:06:10.562 --> 00:06:19.067
Okay, so the cognitive behavioral therapy course that you offer sounds really helpful and interesting, because I think it's good for any listener to do a deep dive into this topic.
00:06:19.067 --> 00:06:29.723
If they're really struggling with this, I know that that could help them learn a lot of personal skills and tools that will transform their relationships, so I love that idea.
00:06:32.189 --> 00:06:36.180
Perfect, and I can also give you the link for listeners.
00:06:36.180 --> 00:06:39.665
If anyone's interested in that, I'm happy to help with that.
00:06:39.665 --> 00:06:49.637
So another tip is work on finding your community of people that get you accept you.
00:06:49.637 --> 00:06:57.653
And when we talk about communities, I think this too is a deep dive on where to find your people.
00:06:57.653 --> 00:07:08.154
So one idea is, if you're a person of faith or any kind of spiritual connection, is finding that source.
00:07:08.154 --> 00:07:14.119
So it might be I call it church shopping, or it could be temple shopping, moth shopping, like.
00:07:14.119 --> 00:07:16.904
Whatever your religious background is, um.
00:07:16.904 --> 00:07:23.345
Or if you're not religious, is there another like are you, do you like stoic?
00:07:23.345 --> 00:07:26.512
You know readings about stoicism.
00:07:26.512 --> 00:07:32.470
There's people who really love that and the reading is actually really well done.
00:07:32.470 --> 00:07:34.086
I find it quite inspiring.
00:07:34.720 --> 00:07:37.026
So, finding like-minded people.
00:07:37.026 --> 00:07:45.192
It could be spiritual, it could be sports If you love sports, like are there any rec teams that you could get involved in?
00:07:45.192 --> 00:07:48.865
I am also an avid reader.
00:07:48.865 --> 00:07:50.870
I love books.
00:07:50.870 --> 00:07:52.374
I probably go through three a week.
00:07:52.374 --> 00:07:56.891
So book clubs can be placed with like-minded people.
00:07:56.891 --> 00:08:03.906
When you find like-minded people, it's just easier to engage and make connections.
00:08:03.906 --> 00:08:14.730
Especially if we're a little shy or have been bamdoozled before from toxic relationships, it can help us practice being more confident.
00:08:14.730 --> 00:08:32.164
Again, concept of meetups because you can safely interact with people based on interest in groups, so it's less intimidating.
00:08:32.164 --> 00:08:41.109
It feels safer too, especially if you move to a new area, but from there it's an opportunity to make closer relationships as well through that.
00:08:41.450 --> 00:08:43.243
So that's another tip I really like
00:08:44.528 --> 00:08:54.221
Listeners may know, because I've talked about it in other podcast episodes that I love meetups too and it's one of my favorite places to make new friends.
00:08:54.221 --> 00:09:36.428
And I have a follow-up question on that, because I feel like some of my listeners may be hopeful and optimistic and even excited to go to a meetup group or a sports rec club or something like that, or a book club, but they might still be genuinely terrified of getting too friendly and too emotionally involved with people because unfriendly and too emotionally involved with people, because and I'm going to do a quote from my um, one of my online communities because people can be nice and charming and sweet and adore you today and then tomorrow they may never speak to you again.
00:09:36.428 --> 00:09:41.846
So I'm just wondering what, how, what you would say to somebody who's feeling that way.
00:09:44.630 --> 00:09:45.894
I really love that question.
00:09:45.894 --> 00:10:01.927
I think one of the best mindset tips around this is you don't want to be in relationship with someone who's fake or doesn't have your best interests at heart.
00:10:01.927 --> 00:10:11.908
So the minute someone does that to you and I know this is a challenging thing, I'm not saying this is easy.
00:10:11.908 --> 00:10:23.832
I think it's important to work so you're at the place where you can say, oh, thank goodness, because that person is not meant to be in my life.
00:10:23.832 --> 00:10:25.875
Now I know.
00:10:25.875 --> 00:10:31.251
So now I can move on and find my people that are going to be healthy.
00:10:31.251 --> 00:10:37.645
So, hopefully, if you're meeting someone that's going to do that, they do it really quickly.
00:10:39.042 --> 00:10:51.615
And then practicing and I tell people too, with this with dating, like finding out on the third date that someone is mean or toxic is way better than the 50th date, right?
00:10:51.615 --> 00:11:00.554
And of course, the person on the third date when they thought this, like they're excited, like, oh, things are going so well, they're hopeful.
00:11:00.554 --> 00:11:04.869
You know it can be devastating to learn something hard.
00:11:04.869 --> 00:11:08.282
You know about this person or they're rejecting in some way.
00:11:08.282 --> 00:11:28.163
But if we practice the mindset of, oh, I have gratitude to learn this now, because now I can move on to find my healthy people to be in relationship with find my healthy people to be in relationship with.
00:11:28.182 --> 00:11:29.605
When somebody thinks, okay, this person seems really nice.
00:11:29.605 --> 00:11:31.370
I've been going to meetups for a while now.
00:11:31.370 --> 00:11:33.072
I've seen them every week.
00:11:33.072 --> 00:11:52.120
They seem like a genuine nice person, but I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm scared to take this friendship to the next level and maybe hang out with them outside of this group or, you know, go go out to dinner with them, do something else, because I'm afraid of being ghosted.
00:11:52.120 --> 00:11:55.568
What would you say to that person?
00:11:55.589 --> 00:12:01.842
Yeah, For that person.
00:12:01.842 --> 00:12:06.653
I would suggest thinking about all the steps involved.
00:12:06.653 --> 00:12:18.611
Let's say there's four steps and I'm just making that number off at the top of my head and just slowly do the baby steps so you're working in that direction.
00:12:18.611 --> 00:12:28.534
So, for an example could be just something as simple as you know, asking that person for their phone number.
00:12:28.534 --> 00:12:36.350
So like, oh, you know, it's okay if I text you once in a while, you know, to talk about acts like whatever the mutual activity is.
00:12:36.350 --> 00:12:43.390
You know, that could be like step A and again, this may not even be in the right order.
00:12:43.390 --> 00:12:50.969
Like, I really feel like I need to know the person in order to help them with the steps in the order, because everybody's kind of on a different journey.
00:12:52.000 --> 00:13:01.368
But another tip would be to be honest with that person and just say, hey, I want to share with you and this is me being vulnerable.
00:13:01.368 --> 00:13:09.384
You know I've had a recent rejection from someone, so it's made me a little shy and hesitant.
00:13:09.384 --> 00:13:12.974
You know, do you have any thoughts about that?
00:13:12.974 --> 00:13:20.615
Like, would you be interested in us connecting and going out to lunch and just gauging that?
00:13:20.615 --> 00:13:35.743
You know, taking those little baby steps I think can be helpful Because then, if the person is, they have an opportunity to say I don't think we're a good fit, you know, or however they say it, and then it's good to you know.
00:13:35.743 --> 00:13:48.662
It's good to know because now you can move on to building those healthy relationships with someone else, someone else you know.
00:13:48.701 --> 00:13:52.479
And another step is you know, just let's say that you really want to go on a camping excursion with this person, but you're doing these baby steps, you know so.
00:13:52.479 --> 00:13:55.248
Then, of course, another step would be going out for coffee or tea.
00:13:55.248 --> 00:14:00.022
So I hope that concept of baby steps is helpful.
00:14:00.022 --> 00:14:08.855
And again, if you have a therapist, it would be really great to work with them on like a plan or someone that you trust with the plan.
00:14:10.440 --> 00:14:16.389
That is great advice and something that is important to remember.
00:14:16.389 --> 00:14:20.414
When you're just meeting people, you just take it one day at a time.
00:14:20.414 --> 00:14:32.307
This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp, so being ghosted can be extremely upsetting and overwhelming like a punch to the gut.
00:14:32.307 --> 00:14:41.575
It can bring out past emotional wounds and intense feelings, and what really helps is talking about these issues with a therapist.
00:14:41.575 --> 00:15:03.028
Regardless of whether you have clinical mental health issues like depression or anxiety, or if you're just a human who lives in this world and is going through a hard time, therapy can give you tools to approach your life in a very different way, and that's why I'm excited to tell you about today's sponsor, betterhelp.
00:15:03.691 --> 00:15:17.610
Betterhelp's mission is to make therapy more affordable and more accessible, and this is an important mission because finding a therapist can be really hard, especially when you're limited to the options in your area.
00:15:17.610 --> 00:15:33.158
Betterhelp is a platform that makes finding a therapist easier because it's online, it's remote and by filling out a few questions, betterhelp can match you to a professional therapist in as little as a few days.
00:15:33.158 --> 00:15:36.850
It's easy to sign up and get matched with a therapist.
00:15:36.850 --> 00:15:38.525
There's a link in my show notes.
00:15:38.525 --> 00:15:42.070
It's betterhelpcom slash copingwithghosting.
00:15:42.070 --> 00:15:45.589
Clicking that link helps support my podcast.
00:15:45.589 --> 00:16:13.735
But it also gets you 10% off your first month of better help so you can connect with a therapist and see if it helps you, and because finding a therapist is a little like dating if you don't really fit with that therapist which is a common thing with therapy you can easily switch to a new therapist at no additional cost, without stressing about insurance, who's in your network or anything like that.
00:16:14.500 --> 00:16:19.753
So therapy helped me overcome many challenges after being ghosted.
00:16:19.753 --> 00:16:23.360
It's truly an act of self-care and healing.
00:16:23.360 --> 00:16:27.812
So if you're struggling, consider online therapy with BetterHelp.
00:16:27.812 --> 00:16:32.089
Click the link in the show notes or visit betterhelpcom.
00:16:32.089 --> 00:16:33.793
Slash copingwithghosting.
00:16:33.793 --> 00:16:38.389
That's betterhelp H-E-L-P dot com.
00:16:38.389 --> 00:16:40.653
Slash copingwithghosting.
00:16:40.653 --> 00:16:44.791
Thank you again, betterhelp, for supporting my podcast.
00:16:44.791 --> 00:16:55.090
So now let's go back to the other things you were going to share about how to feel safe in relationships.
00:16:57.034 --> 00:16:58.277
Yeah, now this.
00:16:58.277 --> 00:17:02.360
I don't know if this tip will necessarily help with safety.
00:17:02.360 --> 00:17:07.085
I think that's an interesting word that I want to come back to.
00:17:07.085 --> 00:17:24.057
But in terms of having those flags in relationships when you're trying to figure out, let's take dating, for example and I think this could work for friendships too, but dating is a little bit easier to describe this with.
00:17:24.958 --> 00:17:37.585
When I was coming after a divorce with someone that was toxic, one of the things I stumbled across in my work is I was doing some couples counseling at the time.
00:17:37.585 --> 00:17:43.308
I don't I don't like the name of this book at all, but it was really helpful.
00:17:43.308 --> 00:17:47.750
It's called the Idiot's Guide to Healthy Relationships.
00:17:47.750 --> 00:17:57.624
Okay, terrible name, but I was feeling like an idiot because here I was a couples therapist struggling myself within relationships.
00:17:57.624 --> 00:18:00.037
It's like hello, didn't you study this?
00:18:00.037 --> 00:18:01.038
Like what's going on here?
00:18:01.038 --> 00:18:05.936
Well, first of all, it takes two people to make a healthy relationship right.
00:18:05.936 --> 00:18:15.911
You can't control the other person and, second of all, we as individuals always have work to do to be as healthy as possible ourselves.
00:18:15.911 --> 00:18:44.808
So I was working on my part after that relationship failed, and so I studied that book and then I started to use it in my client sessions and what I really found impactful is this concept of flags the red flags, yellow flags and green flags Okay, and so I use this process when I started to date again and it was incredibly helpful.
00:18:45.977 --> 00:18:47.262
So let's start with the red flags.
00:18:47.262 --> 00:18:49.603
The red flags are no-goes.
00:18:49.603 --> 00:18:52.086
You do not want to be in relationship with people the red flags the red flags are no-goes.
00:18:52.086 --> 00:18:54.208
You do not want to be in relationship with people with red flags.
00:18:54.208 --> 00:19:02.280
And for me because I had a lot of breathing problems is I will not date a smoker.
00:19:02.280 --> 00:19:06.308
Cigarettes are off the table or smoking anything really.
00:19:06.308 --> 00:19:18.006
Now that's I didn't think of it at the the time, but that probably would be true for friends too as well friends to go away with, especially in hotel rooms or camping or something.
00:19:18.006 --> 00:19:29.961
I think I do have a couple friends now that smoke, but when we are doing activities together they're not smoking, like we go to the movies, or one of my friends actually is in my Bible study group.
00:19:29.961 --> 00:19:30.781
I know she smokes.
00:19:30.781 --> 00:19:33.884
So I don't judge people for smoking.
00:19:33.884 --> 00:19:44.476
I just know that like talk about, like dating, to kiss someone they can't be a smoker.
00:19:44.476 --> 00:19:45.916
If you've got breathing problems, that's.
00:19:45.916 --> 00:19:46.218
That's a no go.
00:19:46.218 --> 00:19:46.778
So red flag was an example.
00:19:46.778 --> 00:19:47.019
Is smoking.
00:19:47.038 --> 00:19:50.301
Now, when I was dating, I was a single mother because I had a child in my.
00:19:50.301 --> 00:19:52.104
Now, when I was dating, I was a single mother because I had a child in my marriage.
00:19:52.104 --> 00:19:58.951
So a yellow flag for me was children the other person having children Like I could go either way.
00:19:58.951 --> 00:20:17.993
Now, when I say I could go either way, meaning if they had maybe one or two, but I actually went on a date with someone who had something like seven children and so that, so the number of children mattered.
00:20:17.993 --> 00:20:26.914
I did not want to be an instant mother of you know, I had two on my own at that point, cause I had one in the marriage, and then I adopted a child as a single mom.
00:20:26.914 --> 00:20:31.595
So I was like, taking on all those other children, that's a no go for me.
00:20:31.595 --> 00:20:32.269
That's just that's not going to all those other children.
00:20:32.269 --> 00:20:34.401
That's a no-go for me, that's just, that's not going to be healthy for me.
00:20:34.401 --> 00:20:36.086
That's a lot of responsibilities.
00:20:36.935 --> 00:21:05.622
And then the green flags are what you must have in a relationship and I would say this goes closely with your value system, right, and so if you're a bleeding heart liberal with social justice causes and just have a passion for that, you're probably gonna not do so well, especially in close, intimate relationships with someone who's extremely conservative.
00:21:05.622 --> 00:21:11.704
Okay, I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but for some people that is a red flag.
00:21:11.704 --> 00:21:12.816
Other people can do it.
00:21:12.816 --> 00:21:26.066
You know, I have tried to date people outside of my political affiliation and it's no go for me because my values are tied up in my voting practices, right.
00:21:26.066 --> 00:21:29.336
So those are just some kind of examples.
00:21:29.336 --> 00:21:37.284
So, knowing what your flags are, what your green flags are, what your values are, knowing what are no-goes for you.
00:21:38.125 --> 00:21:43.130
I had a client once that went away with a friend and they stayed in a resort.
00:21:43.130 --> 00:21:44.432
They were in a hotel room.
00:21:44.432 --> 00:21:58.806
That friend had brought a lot of drugs illegal drugs with her and my client had a security clearance, a high level security clearance.
00:21:58.806 --> 00:22:07.042
So, as you can imagine, that put her in an immediate state of high anxiety to be rooming with someone with all these drugs.
00:22:07.042 --> 00:22:12.530
And then the friend started partaking and became aggressive.
00:22:12.530 --> 00:22:15.459
Okay, so we talked.
00:22:15.459 --> 00:22:18.025
When she came back, she now has this book as well.
00:22:18.025 --> 00:22:28.178
Okay, so next time you choose to go away with a friend, having some pre-calls, pre-conversations on what's not, okay.
00:22:28.178 --> 00:22:32.223
Any questions about the flags?
00:22:33.586 --> 00:22:41.684
I love the flags and I have a whole episode it's all about red flags and ghosting, so I completely agree.
00:22:41.684 --> 00:22:44.678
I believe that we need to know the red flags.
00:22:44.678 --> 00:22:53.021
I'd like to share some questions from the listening community and the Facebook community in particular.
00:22:53.021 --> 00:22:58.548
I have been ghosted in the past and now I fear that my partner will leave me.
00:22:58.548 --> 00:23:05.087
What are reasonable things to ask a partner to help me feel more safe in my relationship?
00:23:05.087 --> 00:23:08.805
I tend to need a lot of reassurance.
00:23:09.994 --> 00:23:11.161
Yeah, really great question.
00:23:11.161 --> 00:23:13.776
Tend to need a lot of reassurance.
00:23:13.776 --> 00:23:14.377
Yeah, really great question.
00:23:14.377 --> 00:23:18.625
So, first of all, you want to be with a partner that isn't stingy with reassurance.
00:23:18.625 --> 00:23:27.352
They should hand it to you on a plate, okay, but you have to verbalize that you're feeling insecure.
00:23:27.352 --> 00:23:31.130
If that's what your experience is right now, you, you know.
00:23:31.130 --> 00:23:39.396
So it could be something like look, I know that this isn't necessarily healthy, but right now I'm struggling with insecurity.
00:23:39.396 --> 00:23:48.599
Are you going to be okay with giving me reassurance and then stating directly what you need to make that happen?
00:23:48.599 --> 00:24:02.157
It could be for, for example, now I recommend this more if the relationship is at a deeper level, where there's a commitment, because otherwise it's too intrusive, I think.
00:24:02.419 --> 00:24:07.328
So, let's say, you've been dating for a long time and it looks more serious.
00:24:07.328 --> 00:24:09.477
I think it's okay to say you know.
00:24:09.477 --> 00:24:22.930
One of the things that would help me feel better is if we had joint or mutual access to each other's email, phone texting.
00:24:22.930 --> 00:24:34.359
I would just feel better to be able to see in your phone that you're not in relationship with other women able to see in your phone that you're not in relationship with other women.
00:24:34.359 --> 00:24:36.365
That would help reassure me With someone with nothing to hide.
00:24:36.365 --> 00:24:37.807
That's going to be.
00:24:37.807 --> 00:24:38.971
That's a no brainer.
00:24:38.971 --> 00:24:44.809
Yeah, like I was sure you know, I hope that helps you feel better Now.
00:24:44.950 --> 00:24:56.681
If someone you're dating is too private, that could just be their value, or it could be that they're hiding something, but either way, they're not a match for you right now.
00:24:56.681 --> 00:25:04.059
If you're feeling insecure and you need that reassurance, you know.
00:25:04.059 --> 00:25:14.231
So it really is about being in relationship with people that value you where you're at and you valuing where they're at.
00:25:14.231 --> 00:25:31.560
So if privacy if you're not valuing somebody else's privacy because your need for reassurance, being able to say that and getting on the same page with that so that's one thing I would recommend.
00:25:33.284 --> 00:25:37.896
How often is it okay to ask a partner for reassurance?
00:25:37.896 --> 00:25:40.561
Is there such thing as too much?
00:25:43.106 --> 00:25:44.689
I think it can feel that way in the beginning.
00:25:44.689 --> 00:25:56.380
I think if the partner is super willing to do it and is open to it, a thousand percent of the time that need will go away.
00:25:56.380 --> 00:25:58.365
Actually, I'm very sure it will go away.
00:25:58.365 --> 00:26:05.208
The problem is, if you're in a relationship with someone toxic, it'll just get worse.
00:26:05.208 --> 00:26:08.056
Thus, toxic relationships are not what you want.
00:26:08.056 --> 00:26:08.256
Thus help.
00:26:08.256 --> 00:26:11.118
Toxic relationships are not what you want, right.
00:26:12.599 --> 00:26:26.011
And so what are some signs in a partner that aren't verbal that would could reassure you that you're in a trustworthy, secure relationship.
00:26:29.175 --> 00:26:30.337
What are some signs to look for?
00:26:30.357 --> 00:26:35.041
I think someone that will, you know, leave their phone around like they're not hiding it.
00:26:35.041 --> 00:26:46.092
Someone that doesn't close their computer when you walk in the room like it's open and if you're walking by you can see kind of thing.
00:26:46.092 --> 00:26:48.835
Now, of course, there's exceptions, like I'm a therapist.
00:26:48.835 --> 00:26:53.119
If my husband comes into the room, he knows I have to.
00:26:53.119 --> 00:26:55.142
If I'm writing a client note, he knows.
00:26:55.142 --> 00:26:59.086
But he also knows he can trust me at this point.
00:26:59.086 --> 00:27:03.872
Right, he doesn't have any need to be reassured that I'm not doing something I'm not supposed to.
00:27:14.474 --> 00:27:16.898
Yeah, so I think just someone that's very open with you, you know, and willing to be open with you.
00:27:16.898 --> 00:27:33.778
So, for example, if your partner says I'm going out with my friends on this night, if you say something like okay, well, could could you call and check in with me and reassure me, that should be a no-brainer like oh sure, no problem.
00:27:33.778 --> 00:27:41.678
If someone really cares about you and they're healthy, they're going to want to do those things.
00:27:41.678 --> 00:27:43.121
That's what love is.
00:27:43.121 --> 00:28:01.700
So if someone doesn't want to reassure you or do little things to help you feel more secure, they're not someone I would want to be in a relationship with and I know that, personally and professionally, at this point I agree.
00:28:01.720 --> 00:28:06.630
I have another question from the listening community.
00:28:06.630 --> 00:28:11.076
I've suffered PTSD around being ghosted.
00:28:11.076 --> 00:28:15.542
Now I have a hard time trusting people, even if they seem great.
00:28:15.542 --> 00:28:17.384
How do I know?
00:28:17.384 --> 00:28:29.369
The difference between anxiety and my gut feelings Is my anxiety, intuition or trauma.
00:28:30.315 --> 00:28:31.699
This question is way more complex, right?
00:28:31.699 --> 00:28:40.710
Sometimes I don't think we can tell because it's so enmeshed with each other, and I think that's okay.
00:28:40.710 --> 00:28:52.727
A tip I have on this would be decreasing the anxiety as a general goal.
00:28:52.727 --> 00:28:59.467
So an example would be practicing meditation to a high degree.
00:28:59.467 --> 00:29:06.601
So if you met people that meditate religiously and consistently, they aren't anxious at all.
00:29:06.601 --> 00:29:08.819
That's research proven.
00:29:08.819 --> 00:29:16.241
And I know that we can't be a monk and go move into the mountains super easy, Like if you have a career and a family and all that.
00:29:16.241 --> 00:29:23.084
But you can do pieces of that and research shows even a couple minutes a day can make a difference.
00:29:23.084 --> 00:29:26.641
But of course you want to build that skill up.
00:29:26.641 --> 00:29:31.278
Now I have people who are anxious tell me oh, I can't do this, I can't sit still.
00:29:31.278 --> 00:29:37.698
The more anxious you are, the more you need to do this, the more practice.
00:29:37.698 --> 00:29:42.758
It's okay to start out with two minutes and go to three minutes, you know, and build yourself up.
00:29:42.758 --> 00:29:46.948
So that would take care of the anxiety over time.
00:29:46.948 --> 00:29:58.498
Now if you have a family history of anxiety or if you feel like it's chemically related, then you know, of course you may benefit from what's called an antidepressant.
00:29:58.498 --> 00:30:04.726
An antidepressant helps with both anxiety and depression and is not addictive.
00:30:06.127 --> 00:30:17.483
Meds that are specific for anxiety, those are called benzos and those are addictive and I do not recommend those, no matter how anxious you are.
00:30:17.483 --> 00:30:32.519
I think there could be a couple exceptions, like for breakthrough panic, if you're completely debilitated by anxiety, but that would be under a close care under your physician.
00:30:32.519 --> 00:30:37.429
But overall, benzos are not healthy for the long term.
00:30:37.429 --> 00:30:40.376
They cause dependency issues.
00:30:40.376 --> 00:31:03.393
So meditation I recommend meditation all day long, every day, and I'm not so great about practicing what I preach, but I do know, based on when I am consistent and based on research, it's one of the best ways to work on bringing down your anxiety and also increasing your confidence.
00:31:03.393 --> 00:31:13.962
When you're more centered, you're going to be more confident in the decisions that you're making and trusting your intuition.
00:31:13.962 --> 00:31:14.925
So I hope I answered it.
00:31:14.925 --> 00:31:18.319
I know it's not like do A and everything's going to be okay.
00:31:18.319 --> 00:31:20.645
It's not one of those types of questions or answers.
00:31:22.435 --> 00:31:34.186
I love meditation so much and I just got a habit tracker which I have on my wall and I have meditation on it and it's supposed to be one of my daily practices.
00:31:34.186 --> 00:31:49.349
The app I would recommend for meditation is called insight timer and it's free, and so I'll put a link to it in the show notes, and there's several different apps online that have timers and guided meditations.
00:31:49.349 --> 00:31:55.579
You can even go to YouTube to find any type of meditation that you like, and I highly recommend it.
00:31:55.579 --> 00:31:56.041
It's great.
00:31:56.041 --> 00:31:59.743
I have another question.
00:31:59.743 --> 00:32:26.885
There's a question that says I was ghosted by a person who told me I'd never ghost you, and now I have trouble believing people's words, and I'm currently in a relationship with a great person and they constantly reassure me that things are fine, but how can I manage my anxiety here it comes up again around being abandoned.
00:32:27.536 --> 00:32:50.309
I'm tempted to leave the relationship before they leave me well, leaving is always an option, but I think you're going to find yourself constantly leaving, and that's kind of the opposite of what your goal is, if your goal is to be in a healthy relationship.
00:32:50.309 --> 00:33:04.607
I'd like to put this tidbit out too, and I don't know if it's necessarily reassuring, but I think it's factual and so it can help with mind shift, mind shifting.
00:33:04.607 --> 00:33:08.922
And this is the thing about relationships.
00:33:08.922 --> 00:33:11.607
There are just no guarantees.
00:33:11.607 --> 00:33:18.847
Nobody can reassure you and mean it forever.
00:33:18.847 --> 00:33:31.015
Nobody can marry you Like marriage is supposed to be this commitment forever and ever, can marry you Like marriage is supposed to be this commitment forever and ever.
00:33:31.015 --> 00:33:35.224
And how do you explain divorce if people mean what they say on their wedding day?
00:33:35.224 --> 00:33:38.604
That's the best way I can think of to say it that way.
00:33:40.556 --> 00:33:55.878
So I talk to people about when you have one foot in and one foot out of a relationship, like you're kind of on guard, waiting for them to leave or waiting for them to mess up or waiting for yourself to sabotage it or leave.
00:33:55.878 --> 00:33:58.365
It just doesn't work.
00:33:58.365 --> 00:34:06.342
You can't have one foot in, one foot out and expect it to work, because there's no guarantees in relationships.
00:34:06.342 --> 00:34:10.650
People could wake up and leave.
00:34:10.650 --> 00:34:13.559
We could wake up and leave.
00:34:13.559 --> 00:34:15.063
That's free will.
00:34:15.063 --> 00:34:16.387
Everybody has that choice.
00:34:16.387 --> 00:34:25.684
So since there's no guarantees and that you could get hurt, why not just be in a relationship with two feet in?
00:34:25.684 --> 00:34:31.686
We think being on guard will protect our heart and help us feel less pain.
00:34:31.686 --> 00:34:33.159
But there is no evidence.
00:34:33.159 --> 00:34:35.286
You know, pain is pain.
00:34:35.286 --> 00:34:37.121
You have a half a foot in.
00:34:37.121 --> 00:34:39.380
It just doesn't work.
00:34:39.380 --> 00:34:42.259
If it worked, I would say, do that, but it really doesn't work.
00:34:42.259 --> 00:34:43.242
So two feet in.
00:34:43.242 --> 00:34:46.423
There are no guarantees of the relationships.
00:34:46.423 --> 00:34:54.740
Take people at their word until they give you evidence of not being able to do so any longer.
00:34:56.864 --> 00:34:59.389
Thank you for sharing your wisdom around that.
00:34:59.389 --> 00:35:01.496
I think that's going to help a lot of people.
00:35:01.496 --> 00:35:03.278
I want to circle back to the original question.
00:35:03.278 --> 00:35:06.202
I want to circle back to the original question.
00:35:06.202 --> 00:35:13.050
Are there any other ways that listeners can feel safe in relationships?
00:35:13.050 --> 00:35:16.195
We've discussed a lot.
00:35:16.195 --> 00:35:20.447
I'm just wondering if you have any other advice around this.
00:35:23.936 --> 00:35:45.565
Well, some of this advice, I think, is probably just Well.
00:35:45.565 --> 00:35:55.327
Some of this advice, I think-defense courses, Because when we do that physically it helps with feeling emotionally safe as well, because it's just confidence.
00:35:55.327 --> 00:35:59.606
So I think self-defense, I think working on your confidence.
00:35:59.606 --> 00:36:07.666
We talked about affirmations earlier but mantras is something similar but they're sometimes kind of shorter and more concise.
00:36:07.666 --> 00:36:16.509
So it's doing the Wonder Woman pose, where your hands are on your hips, your chest is out, your head is looking up.
00:36:16.936 --> 00:36:28.929
If you're voluptuous, you know, putting that out there, looking as confident as possible, like practicing that pose can help us with our safety.
00:36:28.929 --> 00:36:34.681
It could be having like a little alarm on your key ring.
00:36:34.681 --> 00:36:42.398
There's all kinds of things to help with safety and you know, I know the person who wrote that probably is meaning emotional safety.
00:36:42.398 --> 00:36:54.092
But because our physical bodies bear so much of the anxiety when we don't feel emotionally safe, working on those areas will help with that.
00:36:54.092 --> 00:37:04.275
So it's all interconnected Because, remember, our brains and our bodies are in one vessel, so what helps with one thing can help with another.
00:37:04.275 --> 00:37:07.905
If you work on your mental mindset, you're going to be physically healthy.
00:37:11.355 --> 00:37:13.003
If you work on your physical health, you're going to be physically healthy.
00:37:13.003 --> 00:37:15.534
If you work on your physical health, you're going to be mentally healthy.
00:37:18.775 --> 00:37:34.827
Those are all great points, and if you're starting to date somebody, or if you're starting to hang out with a friend or a potential friend that you met individually at a meetup group and now you're doing something one-on-one, always make sure that you're going to meet them, you know, in the beginning, in a safe space.
00:37:34.827 --> 00:37:43.918
So a public space like a coffee shop during the daytime that's well lit, so that you feel like you know there's other people around.
00:37:43.918 --> 00:37:45.864
If something happens, they'll see it.
00:37:45.864 --> 00:37:49.000
You're not going to be alone with them in their bedroom.
00:37:49.000 --> 00:37:50.922
So that's another way to feel safe.
00:37:50.922 --> 00:37:58.186
Is there anything else you'd like to share about ghosting or being ghosted in general?
00:38:00.632 --> 00:38:05.998
I want to repeat the point about not giving up on safe relationships or healthy relationships.
00:38:05.998 --> 00:38:17.371
I like the idea, too, of having a person where you share your location with on your phone.
00:38:17.371 --> 00:38:21.398
My daughters and I do that for each other and I love that.
00:38:21.398 --> 00:38:25.608
My daughter, who's in college she's almost 21.
00:38:25.608 --> 00:38:26.777
I love that.
00:38:26.777 --> 00:38:41.945
She trusts me enough for her location to be on and because she trusts me and I trust her, I don't even actually I've never even looked at it as my other daughter that will look at it who's 14.
00:38:41.945 --> 00:38:53.963
She tracks down her sister like oh well, we won't call her right, now's working, but I think it's just so reassuring for family too, if for young women, but it can be any.
00:38:54.184 --> 00:38:57.795
Any age at age doesn't make you more safe.
00:38:57.795 --> 00:39:03.447
It probably makes you have this false idea like you're too wise for something to happen.
00:39:03.447 --> 00:39:13.862
But anyway, the point is sharing your location I think can be helpful, right, yeah, even Uber rides.
00:39:13.862 --> 00:39:15.224
I share it when I'm in my Uber.
00:39:15.224 --> 00:39:21.829
They have that option on on there where you can share with somebody else so they can track your route.
00:39:21.829 --> 00:39:23.034
I love that.
00:39:23.034 --> 00:39:24.657
I love those little safety features.
00:39:25.840 --> 00:39:50.538
That's great and for anybody who's dating, whenever I'm coaching, I recommend that they screenshot the image of the person they're going on the date with and share it with somebody they trust, who they know can be there for them, and have say okay, I'm going on a date at this time and this is the person I'm going on a date at this time and this is the person I'm going with and I'm going to text you by 10 PM tonight.
00:39:50.538 --> 00:39:55.688
If not, give me a call and have a plan in place for if I don't reach out to you.
00:39:55.688 --> 00:39:56.014
Yeah.
00:39:56.637 --> 00:39:58.460
Another idea is to do a background check.
00:39:58.460 --> 00:40:12.750
It may not be feasible for the first date per se, but if if it's getting to the point where you're going to allow them to pick you up and go somewhere, you may want to pay to have a background check done.
00:40:12.750 --> 00:40:16.454
Obviously, it won't make things a hundred.
00:40:16.454 --> 00:40:27.329
I mean there's criminals who don't have a background check right, but at least you'll know if they already have a record of stalking or domestic violence.
00:40:27.329 --> 00:40:28.920
You will find out that way.
00:40:28.920 --> 00:40:47.585
So I've done that quite a bit when I was dating too is just go ahead and pay, and it really helped me feel safe when I was dating.
00:40:47.585 --> 00:40:49.228
Yeah, thank you.
00:40:49.228 --> 00:40:56.579
So healthrivedreamcom and I have a free gift on the homepage of the website.
00:40:56.579 --> 00:41:05.541
It's called the Hope Tool, so people who want to stay in touch or connected with my work can see the link for that.
00:41:05.541 --> 00:41:08.565
It's healthrivedreamcom.
00:41:08.565 --> 00:41:20.369
Forward slash, get hyphen hope, and I will also provide Gretta with the CBT course link, just in case you have a listener that's interested in that.
00:41:21.474 --> 00:41:26.543
Thank, you and I will put all that information in the show notes.
00:41:26.543 --> 00:41:29.769
I really appreciate your coming on the show today.
00:41:31.036 --> 00:41:32.561
Thank you very much for having me.
00:41:34.476 --> 00:41:35.360
And listeners.
00:41:35.360 --> 00:41:46.661
If you haven't already, I invite you to check out my Take your Power Back workshop, which you can find over at copingwithghostingcom, this interactive video download.
00:41:46.661 --> 00:41:53.664
It's under an hour and it's going to help you change your story, focus on yourself and feel better again.
00:41:53.664 --> 00:41:55.146
So go check it out.
00:41:55.146 --> 00:41:56.958
Rebuild your confidence today.
00:41:56.958 --> 00:42:00.809
Finally, be sure to remember when you're ghosted.
00:42:00.809 --> 00:42:06.880
You have more time to connect with yourself and people who have stellar communication skills.
00:42:06.880 --> 00:42:09.021
You deserve the best.
البحث في الحلقات الماضية
البحث في الحلقات السابقة من Coping with Ghosting.
إخلاء المسؤولية: البودكاست والأعمال الفنية المضمنة في هذه الصفحة مأخوذة من Gretta Perlmutter, MA, Certified Post Betrayal Transformation® Coach ، وهي مملوكة لمالكها وليست تابعة لشركة Listen Notes, Inc أو معتمدة منها.
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