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Hey there, and welcome to Conversations Worth Your While.
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It's the podcast where we dig into ideas and insights to help you to unleash what you were born to bring.
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I chat with heart-led experts and ask the questions that I know you're already thinking about.
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And we explore conversations that spark growth, that shift perspectives, and that help you to show up fully in your life, in your career, and in your community.
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Today we're exploring building community after divorce, widowhood, or a major life change.
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This conversation is worth your while because so many of us spend years taking care of everyone else.
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And then one day things quiet down, empty nest, whatever.
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Or maybe we go through a big life transition, like a divorce or widowhood.
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And then we realize, okay, I don't even know who I am anymore.
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Our identity totally shifts.
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And not only that, we've lost that community, the community that was tied to those old chapters.
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And that can leave us feeling pretty lonely.
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So today we're going to address all that in a beautiful conversation that I hope you stick around for.
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I'm your host, Linda Booker.
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And if the life you are in no longer fits, this space is for you.
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Because through my coaching and through my podcast, I guide purpose-driven people to reconnect to who they truly are and to let go of what they've outgrown and rediscover their gifts and then create a life that feels aligned and is deeply impactful.
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And if that sparks something within you, you can find me at lyndabooker.com.
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Okay, back to today's episode, Building Community After Divorce, Widowhood, or a Major Life Change.
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I have the pleasure of being joined by Julie Marvel of Step Into Grace Media.
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And Julie's making positive ripples in her very unique and beautiful way.
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Julie built Step Into Grace Media from her own personal experience, which she will be sharing.
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And she helps women to confidently create their next chapter through community, through intentional connection, and through personal growth.
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So, Julie, thanks so much for being with me today on Conversations Worth Your While.
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Thank you so much for having me.
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It's nice to be here, Linda.
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It's awesome.
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So can you just tell us a little bit more about who you serve and what you do?
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I sure can.
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So I serve a group of women.
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We have an online community and I work with women who are reaching midlife.
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A lot of times they have been going through a major life change like divorce, widowhood, emptiness, or they move to a new area and they're looking for that sense of community.
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So I use courses and weekly live calls, and we have a membership online where the women can come together and find that sense of community with each other.
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Well, that's beautiful.
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It's a beautiful thing.
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We'll definitely, I'll ask you more about that at the conclusion of our show because I want to share that with our audience.
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But okay, let's go to the show.
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All right.
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So first of all, um you and I have each been through a big life transition in different ways.
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And then I've I don't know how old your kids are, but my kids also all left the nest.
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My youngest is 24.
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Um, my oldest, he went into the Marine Corps when he was 18.
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Um, my middle child went into the marine corps when he was 19.
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So they've gone, right?
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My uh and my youngest, my daughter, she's out in grad school, she lives somewhere else.
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So I have an empty nest.
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So that was one big thing.
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And that is very common for women to go through, you know, if you've had children, which is is a majority.
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But we we've also been through other things.
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So I am a widow, technically, I am remarried now, but um, my husband passed away when my kids were three, five, and seven years old.
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And there was uh a transformation that happened there, big life transformation.
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And I know you also went through something.
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So why don't you just share, you know, your story uh a little bit about, you know, what went missing when you went through your transition.
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Yeah, thank you.
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So um about eight years ago, I did experience a divorce.
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And at that time, I had school-age children.
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I was working from home, we were living on a farm.
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And when that divorce initiated, I just realized I didn't have a sense of community.
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I lost my support system and I really lost my sense of who I was and what I wanted to do with my life.
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And so that was a real turning point for me when I started to invest in myself, in my healing, and finding a sense of community was step one for me.
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Yeah.
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So, um, okay, so you're when your kids are little, you're taking them to their soccer practice, your community is the other soccer moms, right?
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When you're like, you know, you're doing your thing, and then even when you're part of a couple, your community is that couplehood, right?
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The other the other couples that are in your community.
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And so, um, and and so when our kids grow up and leave the nest, when we go through a divorce um or you know, a widowhood, that community just goes missing.
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And and it's not because the people are like, you're out, you're not in anymore, you're out, bye.
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That's not where it comes from.
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They feel awkward to reach out to you, especially like if they're in a couple, like, I'm supposed to take sides or whatever, you know.
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Um it just shifts.
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I think it shifts everyone around you isn't really sure how to respond to this situation, and you're not really sure if you're comfortable being in your skin anymore because everything has changed.
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And so, you know, whether it's becoming an empty nester, which I'm actually experiencing right now, my my youngest just graduated high school and moved out.
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So that's that's a big change for me.
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And um, but when I was divorced a number of years ago, it was very similar.
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Like you said, you know, if you're going around and spending life as a couple and then all of a sudden you're single, it shifts a lot of different things, and you're not really expecting that to happen.
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And you know, we a lot of times have friends that we are doing certain things with, and if that goes away, then then you're left to be uncertain of where you're gonna find your next sense of community.
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Right.
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So it's lonely.
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And because you're uncertain of who I am now, who am I now?
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It's even hard to say, well, who do I want to hang out with?
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I don't know because I don't know me.
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That's that's what happens, right?
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Yeah, yeah.
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We don't we're like uh and I think sometimes people don't even realize that they are lonely, they're just feeling an emptiness and they're feeling like an uncertainty.
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But um, sometimes they aren't even able to put their finger on the fact that it's loneliness because they may be surrounded by people.
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They might have a job or they might, you know, be involved in sports or tennis or whatever.
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But it's really um different when you have an intimate conversation with someone that makes you feel seen and heard.
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And also when you have friends that know your story that you don't have to keep telling your story to every single time you see them, they know your story so they can ask about what's going on in your life.
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Yeah, yeah.
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And all those big shifts are a loss of identity, a loss of who we thought we were, or maybe who we were for a long time.
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It's very common for, especially for mothers, you know, to say, who are you?
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Like, well, I'm a mother.
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That's not actually the right answer, the truest answer to that question.
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That's a role, that's a responsibility for us, but it's not really who we are.
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So when we lose that active mothering, like, well, who am I now?
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I don't know the answer.
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So whenever we go through a big life transition, we always go through an identity crisis.
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It's absolutely normal.
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We go, we went through it in the positive transitions too, like when we got married or maybe when we had a child, right?
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We have gone through these big life transitions over and over again.
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And um, they will strip away the identity you thought you had without giving you the new one yet.
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So it is a very untethered, difficult place to be, isn't it?
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Yeah, I think it's almost like a little bit of a grieving process because, like you said, when you become a mother or when you become a wife or you get a career, um, you're adding to your life, right?
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You're getting something that you've worked for, you've tried to achieve.
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And so that's added into your life.
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But when we come out on the other side, we're sort of losing those things.
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We're losing our sense of motherhood or the divorce or the widowhood, or you know, when you retire from your job, now you've have a sense of loss.
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And so it is almost like a grieving process that leads you into a sense of loneliness where it's like, I'm not sure what's next for me.
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Yeah.
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And you're absolutely right.
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I mean, you know, like that's my job as a coach is to help people move through the four squares, or at least three of the four squares, of change, of big change.
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And square one is the death and rebirth square, and grieving is absolutely necessary, or else you'll never get into square two.
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So you have to grieve the loss of what was.
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And grieving is a releasing process.
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Now we can't grieve everything.
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Some stuff is just a story in our head, like now I'll have to, now I'll never find.
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If it's anything future-based, you're making it up.
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Just know that.
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That can't be grieved.
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So you can cry all you want over that.
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You that you cannot grieve.
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That has to be disbelieved.
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That's what you do in in the square one of change that you get thrown into.
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What's truth and what's a story?
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If it's truth, I do need to grieve it so it can be released.
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And if it's not truth, I need to question the heck out of it.
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Because if I believe it, I'm going to be stuck in the sadness and loneliness forever.
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So we want to move into square two, which is this discovery.
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It's actually the most exciting phase.
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I love I love this phase.
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It's like the, okay.
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So let's move into our next touch point, which we're gonna we're gonna focus on today, um, which is once you go through this big transition, now you've got an opportunity, an opportunity discover who am I now and what's right for me.
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What do I want now?
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Because who I was when I got married, who I was when I had these kids, I'm not that human anymore.
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I'm not that woman anymore.
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And what I want is different.
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So we have an opportunity, right?
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So let's start with that.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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And this is where you get to be creative.
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Once you've moved past the acceptance that your life has changed and now you're ready for it to take the next step, then you get to be creative.
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You get to sort of um sort out what who do I want to be?
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And I remember going through this vividly because there were two things that I did um during this stage of my life.
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So this is something just as a suggestion for women.
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One of the things that I did was um I continued to order the same food from the same restaurants anytime I went somewhere.
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And so I made a decision.
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This is just so simple, but I made a decision that when I went to a restaurant, I would ask the waiter what the most popular thing on the menu was.
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And whatever it was, I would order it.
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And I know that sounds kind of silly, but it's like now I'm being a little bit more adventurous because I had gotten into these habits of just doing the same thing over and over again.
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And so it was so fun to go to these restaurants, and then what you're gonna get is always something good off the menu because it's the most popular thing, it's what they're known for.
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And so that was one little shift.
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Another shift that I made was I was in mom mode.
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I was wearing jeans and a black t-shirt every single day, every single day.
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And I just decided to not do that anymore.
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I decided to bring color into my wardrobe and not wear the same thing over and over.
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And I was very intentional about that.
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And so those were the first two steps that I made in kind of a shift in how I saw my identity or how I was seeing myself.
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Well, those are actually if, and you might not know this, but those are very predictable things that that tell you you're in square two.
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That's predictable.
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When you look at your wardrobe and you go, none of this is me.
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And I don't know what is me yet, but it's not this.
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When you go, you know what, I gotta put some color in this house, and you take all your gray walls and you paint them white, or you paint them purple, or you paint them whatever, or you go, you know what, this hair doesn't feel like anymore.
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And I'm chopping it all off.
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Whenever you do something like that, it is natural in square two.
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It's telling you you're in square two, which is the discovery phase.
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And we discovered through experiments and through contrast of what it isn't any longer.
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So not jeans and black t-shirts any longer.
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Maybe it's color, and then you try it out.
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And so it's about experimenting.
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And as we're experimenting, the way to move through square two is by noticing, and then you can narrow and then you name.
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So that's right.
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What a beautiful segue for you to bring me into square two.
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I can explain for our listeners.
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So when you feel that urge, you are in square two, which is very cool because it's your discovery phase.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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I think that's so great.
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And it's just an opportunity, you know.
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And I think what you can oftentimes do at that stage is look back on when you before you had kids or before you were married, and sort of what were some of the things that you liked doing back then, or who was your identity back then?
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And you can sort of revive those parts of your personality that you did get joy from back way before you were so busy.
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And I think that that's a good place to start.
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And then you can build on it from there and sort of try new things and explore your new identity.
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It's a perfect place to start.
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Matter of fact, those are the questions I ask when someone's coming to me, even for like a career change.
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Like, I got a pivot.
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I no longer want to do this, and I don't want know what I want to do.
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I will take them back and ask them questions.
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So, you know, what are the hot, what are your hobbies?
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Even if you haven't had time to do them in the last 15 years, what are your hobbies?
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And it's not so much what the hobby is that gives you the information, it's the why behind the hobby.
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What specifically about that lit you up?
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Yeah, or like do you like to do athletic things?
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Do you like to do artistic things?
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Do you like to do reading kinds of things?
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You know, it's sort of like looking at who you are internally and what makes you happy.
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Exactly.
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And and even if you don't know what makes you happy yet, though it's the why behind what used to make you happy that you is the biggest clue.
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And so, you know, why did you love to go ride your bike?
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Because maybe riding your bike now at 60 years old is not something you want to do.
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But why did you love to ride your bike?
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Oh, I really loved it.
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It felt like freedom, you know, I was alone, but I was in movement.
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Freedom and movement, like, oh, perfect.
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That's a beautiful clue.
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I call them puzzle pieces, and we just spend a lot of time collecting these puzzle pieces.
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And then how can freedom and movement like now?
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Well, how would you like to experiment with freedom and movement now?
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And it's just an experiment, and you know, you just give it a little try and you learn who you are.
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All right.
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Now let's move into this community piece.
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So we've lost the community of you know, the circumstances we had tied with our kids, tied with the couples, tied with whatever.
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And once you've discover our and are in the midst of discovering, it's doesn't, it's not like a one happens first and the other, but as you're discovering who you are now and what you want now at this point in your life, using this space that you've just been gifted as an opportunity to discover more about you and your purpose, right?
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Now instead of being lonely, we can find a community of choice instead of one of circumstance, correct?
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Right, right.
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Absolutely.
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So I think it's just so important for us to be intentional about building community or finding a community because oftentimes we're sort of waiting for someone else to reach out to us or for us to be invited somewhere.
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And that doesn't always happen.
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Sometimes you need to be intentional and start looking for either people in your life that you might want to reach back out to or a community that's already in existence, like a meetup group or a book club or a volunteer kind of situation where you can get engaged with the community.
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And I think that this is the first step in learning what you like, what you don't like.
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You can test it out.
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It doesn't need to be this is the only one that I'm gonna try.
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But this is so important for really learning more about yourself and learning what kind of community you're looking for in order to feel that sense of belonging and meaning and purpose and bringing that back into your life.
00:16:19.360 --> 00:16:19.840
Yes.
00:16:20.080 --> 00:16:22.159
And it does take a little bit of courage.
00:16:22.480 --> 00:16:23.840
Um, but you have to take a step.
00:16:24.000 --> 00:16:31.440
I like to use this metaphor for all sorts of things, but um, you know, with the kids when they were little, we would play the game of getting warmer and getting colder.
00:16:31.679 --> 00:16:34.799
And so they would leave the room, I'd hide a toy somewhere.
00:16:35.039 --> 00:16:39.440
They had to step into the room or they would never ever find the toy.
00:16:39.679 --> 00:16:44.240
And the first step, also, they would never ever find the toy if they all stopped right there.
00:16:44.399 --> 00:16:46.559
So you take you have to take that first step.
00:16:46.799 --> 00:16:48.960
And in the first step, you get feedback.
00:16:49.120 --> 00:16:54.879
And the feedback is where you learn more about who you are and what you want.
00:16:55.360 --> 00:16:57.759
So you take that step and you get the feedback.
00:16:57.919 --> 00:16:59.120
Oh, that's getting colder.
00:16:59.200 --> 00:17:01.039
I'm no longer gonna go in that direction.
00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:07.200
And then you make a shift and you go into an you take another step, not knowing if it's still gonna be getting colder or getting warmer.
00:17:07.359 --> 00:17:12.480
But you know, if you've ever played this game, you will always find the toy as long as you listen to the feedback.
00:17:12.640 --> 00:17:13.759
And that's how life is.
00:17:13.920 --> 00:17:16.160
That's how when you're finding what your new career can be.
00:17:16.319 --> 00:17:19.359
That's how when I talk to the 20-somethings and they're like, I don't know what.
00:17:19.440 --> 00:17:23.119
I'm like, well, you gotta take a step because it's the game of getting warmer and getting colder.
00:17:23.200 --> 00:17:26.480
And you gotta keep playing and you got to play all the time.
00:17:26.640 --> 00:17:29.759
And that's the same when you go through a big life transition.
00:17:29.920 --> 00:17:32.319
How do I discover who I am and what I want?
00:17:32.480 --> 00:17:34.559
You play the game of getting warmer and getting colder.
00:17:34.640 --> 00:17:40.319
You take a step, you go to one of those meetup groups, you say, Yeah, I like the thing they're doing, but those people are not my people.
00:17:40.559 --> 00:17:41.519
Okay, great.
00:17:41.680 --> 00:17:43.039
Don't say, Well, that's it.
00:17:43.119 --> 00:17:44.480
I tried, I'm out.
00:17:44.960 --> 00:17:47.599
You know, like, okay, let me try somewhere else.
00:17:47.759 --> 00:17:49.440
It is that thing, it's not those people.
00:17:49.599 --> 00:17:52.319
Where might my people hang out, right?
00:17:52.559 --> 00:17:54.160
What else might they be doing?
00:17:54.480 --> 00:18:08.079
Yeah, and I think I I want everyone to know that it's totally normal for you to be fearful or to feel nervous or to not be certain about taking that first step because I've talked to many, many women that have had that experience.
00:18:08.240 --> 00:18:15.359
And once you take that first step, even if it's the wrong first step, you you are building up that sense of confidence that you can handle it.
00:18:15.599 --> 00:18:26.000
And so taking that first step is so important to build your confidence, to start your healing, and to start finding the right direction that you need to go in to find the right people to have in your life.
00:18:26.160 --> 00:18:30.160
I think that it is so normal for it to be a little scary at the beginning.
00:18:30.400 --> 00:18:32.000
Oh, it's absolutely normal.
00:18:32.160 --> 00:18:39.680
I mean, okay, I'm a raging extrovert, so I will go in a room with people I don't know and have a great time, but I am the exception to the rule.
00:18:39.920 --> 00:18:40.160
Right.
00:18:40.319 --> 00:18:41.759
Yes, not everyone is like that.
00:18:41.839 --> 00:18:49.599
And there are some people that are, but I would say the majority of people, even people that like to be in a social environment, might still be nervous about is it going to be the right?
00:18:50.079 --> 00:18:52.559
Are they gonna like me or even am I gonna like them?
00:18:52.640 --> 00:18:54.000
You you aren't really sure ahead of time.
00:18:54.160 --> 00:18:54.799
You aren't really sure.
00:18:54.880 --> 00:18:55.119
Yeah.
00:18:55.279 --> 00:19:00.640
One of the things I like to share with people is when things are scary, just lower the stakes.
00:19:00.880 --> 00:19:01.440
That's it.
00:19:01.599 --> 00:19:02.480
Lower the stakes.
00:19:02.559 --> 00:19:04.319
And that's just that's a mindset move.
00:19:04.480 --> 00:19:13.519
That's saying, you know, okay, if this, if this meetup group I went into and checked it out doesn't go my way, I'm gonna make a sitcom story out of it.
00:19:13.759 --> 00:19:16.559
I'm like, I'm gonna get an anecdote out of this.
00:19:16.720 --> 00:19:17.039
That's right.
00:19:17.200 --> 00:19:19.599
That's the like, so I'm going in it for that.
00:19:19.759 --> 00:19:21.039
Hey, maybe I'll meet someone.
00:19:21.200 --> 00:19:29.839
And then the fear of being yourself, that's like I'm actually teaching, uh running a lab about overcoming imposter syndrome for business owners right now.
00:19:30.160 --> 00:19:34.079
And um, you know, it's a really obvious thing to point out.
00:19:34.240 --> 00:19:39.680
If you're showing up as somebody else or please like me, then they're gonna like the imposter and not like you.
00:19:39.839 --> 00:19:42.319
Like, so why would you want to hang out eventually?
00:19:42.559 --> 00:19:45.680
Yeah, like you're then you'll be like, Will anyone love me for who I am?
00:19:45.759 --> 00:19:48.400
Well, not if you don't show them who you are, it's impossible.
00:19:48.720 --> 00:19:54.720
So go there with like, this is who I am, like me, don't like me, because that's not actually my business.
00:19:54.960 --> 00:20:05.440
You can't control the lens through which other people see you because it's their lens covered in their schmutz of their history, their insecurities, their whole thing.
00:20:05.680 --> 00:20:11.599
So whether they look you up and down with a look on their face or are open arms, you have zero control either way.
00:20:11.680 --> 00:20:16.319
So just be who you are and lower the stakes because if they don't like you, you never have to go back.
00:20:16.400 --> 00:20:18.400
If you don't like them, you never have to go back.
00:20:18.640 --> 00:20:19.279
Right, right.
00:20:19.359 --> 00:20:27.920
And you gain information, you know, even if it's a not a good experience, you're gaining the information for what you like and what you don't like, or or what direction you need to go next.
00:20:28.079 --> 00:20:33.279
It's just basic information, it's feedback for yourself so that you know, oh, I didn't like that experience.
00:20:33.359 --> 00:20:34.720
Now I'm gonna try something different.
00:20:34.960 --> 00:20:35.119
Right.
00:20:35.279 --> 00:20:36.400
That was getting colder.
00:20:36.559 --> 00:20:37.839
So let's try something else.
00:20:38.000 --> 00:20:38.240
Right.
00:20:38.400 --> 00:20:39.759
Next step, next step.
00:20:39.839 --> 00:20:42.160
And you will find it and you will find your community.
00:20:42.400 --> 00:20:43.440
Um, beautiful.
00:20:43.599 --> 00:20:55.279
Okay, so um, listeners, before you hit play on the next podcast, um, which I hope is another conversations worth your while episode because we're all so fun and so great with excellent people.
00:20:55.519 --> 00:21:03.440
Um, if you it's like if you buy a book and you peruse through it and you put it on your shelf and you don't do anything, we call that shelf help instead of self-help.
00:21:03.680 --> 00:21:11.920
So when it comes to podcast land, before you click play on the next episode, um, we would like you to take a turtle step.
00:21:12.319 --> 00:21:14.079
You know, turtles take kind of small steps.
00:21:14.160 --> 00:21:16.640
I mean, I know they can move fast, but they don't take giant steps.
00:21:16.799 --> 00:21:18.079
So we're gonna take a turtle step.
00:21:18.240 --> 00:21:24.319
And a turtle step is a smallest step that you'll actually take before you hit play on the next podcast episode.
00:21:24.480 --> 00:21:29.359
So, Julie, I would love if you would share a turtle step with our listeners today.
00:21:29.519 --> 00:21:37.279
Um, so if they like are like, yeah, I want to discover who I am or I want to find my new community, um, what could they do?
00:21:37.759 --> 00:21:43.279
Yeah, I think this is a very simple thing that women can do that will get them started.
00:21:43.440 --> 00:21:54.559
So I just want you to sit down with a little piece of paper and a pencil or your phone and make a list of people in your life that maybe you've lost touch with or maybe you'd like to reconnect with.
00:21:54.799 --> 00:21:59.759
And you might be surprised that those people are wanting to reconnect with you as well.
00:22:00.079 --> 00:22:01.599
And they're waiting for you to invite them.
00:22:01.680 --> 00:22:05.759
So I want you to make a list of anybody in your life that you want to reconnect with.
00:22:05.920 --> 00:22:09.599
If you don't have anyone, if no one's coming to mind, maybe you've moved to a new area.
00:22:09.680 --> 00:22:17.839
I want you to sit down and make a list of groups or organizations that you could try to get involved with in order to find that sense of community.
00:22:17.920 --> 00:22:24.079
And then reach out to the one person on the list to start or reach out to the organization that you want to get involved with.
00:22:24.240 --> 00:22:27.200
Just do that one thing and that's taking that first step.
00:22:27.440 --> 00:22:27.680
Right.
00:22:27.839 --> 00:22:28.480
That's beautiful.
00:22:28.640 --> 00:22:33.839
That's often what we choose as coaches, um, is the smallest turtle step is make a list.
00:22:34.079 --> 00:22:35.680
Hey, all I gotta do is make a list.
00:22:35.759 --> 00:22:38.799
It does not obligate me to do anything, just make a list.
00:22:38.960 --> 00:22:45.599
And if you make that list, then the next day you could pick one thing on that list to do.
00:22:46.000 --> 00:22:50.319
One thing, just one, and go out on that limb as an experiment.
00:22:50.720 --> 00:22:53.759
Nothing has to mean anything about who you are.
00:22:53.920 --> 00:22:56.960
Don't make it mean something, it's just an experiment.
00:22:57.119 --> 00:22:59.440
Maybe I reach out to that person and they don't answer back.
00:22:59.599 --> 00:23:02.559
Don't make it mean you weren't worthy of being answered.
00:23:02.799 --> 00:23:11.119
Just like, okay, well, they might be busy, or maybe they don't use that inbox anymore, or what like there's a thousand other reasons they might not reach out.
00:23:11.359 --> 00:23:11.680
That's right.
00:23:11.759 --> 00:23:12.000
That's right.
00:23:12.400 --> 00:23:13.839
Well, I'll try somebody else, right?
00:23:14.319 --> 00:23:15.680
So you never know.
00:23:15.839 --> 00:23:21.200
And then often you reach out to someone, they're like, oh my gosh, it's so nice.
00:23:21.359 --> 00:23:21.599
Yeah.
00:23:21.839 --> 00:23:30.799
Reach out to me, you know, like and sometimes it might take a couple of times to get in touch with that person because they may not be in a quiet period of their life.
00:23:31.039 --> 00:23:39.440
So, you know, I would say not even to give up after one try because oftentimes it takes a couple of times for someone to go, oh, they're really just wanting to get together with me.
00:23:39.599 --> 00:23:41.519
And they might be so grateful that you did.
00:23:41.759 --> 00:23:43.119
Yeah, beautiful.
00:23:43.359 --> 00:23:43.680
Okay.
00:23:43.839 --> 00:23:46.559
Well, Julie, this has been such a beautiful conversation.
00:23:46.720 --> 00:23:49.279
I want to thank you so much for being my guest.
00:23:49.599 --> 00:23:52.640
And um, I know you do have this community.
00:23:52.720 --> 00:23:57.039
I'd love if you just tell our listeners a little bit more about the community that you run.
00:23:57.359 --> 00:23:57.680
Yes.
00:23:57.759 --> 00:23:59.440
Well, thank you so much for having me today.
00:23:59.599 --> 00:24:00.559
This has been so lovely.
00:24:00.720 --> 00:24:02.799
So um I have a website.
00:24:02.880 --> 00:24:05.759
It's called stepintogracemedia.com.
00:24:05.839 --> 00:24:08.160
And that is where I have built the community.
00:24:08.240 --> 00:24:12.079
We have what's called the Grace Community, which is a membership-based community.
00:24:12.160 --> 00:24:23.759
And then within that community, we do weekly live calls, we have courses, we're doing webinars and all kinds of things where women are moving into their next chapter, but they're doing it with the support of other women.
00:24:23.839 --> 00:24:25.119
So that's where you can find me.
00:24:25.200 --> 00:24:28.480
I'm also on Substack under my name, which is Julie Marble.
00:24:28.640 --> 00:24:29.119
Thank you.
00:24:29.359 --> 00:24:29.839
Beautiful.
00:24:30.000 --> 00:24:33.599
I will put um the links that you share with me in the show notes, everybody.
00:24:33.680 --> 00:24:40.079
So go down to those show notes and uh click through to find Julie's community and find Julie on Substack as well.
00:24:40.319 --> 00:24:42.000
Um, okay, so that's our show.
00:24:42.160 --> 00:24:42.960
I am Linda Booker.
00:24:43.039 --> 00:24:43.440
Thank you so much.
00:24:43.839 --> 00:24:44.640
You're welcome.
00:24:44.799 --> 00:24:51.440
Um, I'm Linda Booker, guiding people to know their worth, to reconnect to their gifts and create lives that are fully aligned and deeply impactful.
00:24:51.599 --> 00:25:04.079
And so if you're sensing it's time to bring your life into deeper alignment, you can explore what that looks like at lindabooker.com where you will find direction, uh, some clarity, and a link to book a complimentary clarity chat with me.
00:25:04.319 --> 00:25:12.079
And if today's episode sparks something for you, please like it and share it and subscribe, you know, so you don't miss what we are talking about next week.
00:25:12.240 --> 00:25:17.359
And join me next week for another uplifting conversation that is designed to support your growth.
00:25:17.680 --> 00:25:24.640
So until next time, please make sure you've made this conversation worth your while by fueling the spark that it ignited.
00:00:01.919 --> 00:00:04.639
Hey there, and welcome to Conversations Worth Your While.
00:00:04.879 --> 00:00:10.240
It's the podcast where we dig into ideas and insights to help you to unleash what you were born to bring.
00:00:10.480 --> 00:00:14.720
I chat with heart-led experts and ask the questions that I know you're already thinking about.
00:00:14.880 --> 00:00:23.920
And we explore conversations that spark growth, that shift perspectives, and that help you to show up fully in your life, in your career, and in your community.
00:00:24.160 --> 00:00:29.760
Today we're exploring building community after divorce, widowhood, or a major life change.
00:00:30.000 --> 00:00:36.159
This conversation is worth your while because so many of us spend years taking care of everyone else.
00:00:36.320 --> 00:00:39.520
And then one day things quiet down, empty nest, whatever.
00:00:39.600 --> 00:00:43.119
Or maybe we go through a big life transition, like a divorce or widowhood.
00:00:43.280 --> 00:00:46.799
And then we realize, okay, I don't even know who I am anymore.
00:00:46.960 --> 00:00:48.640
Our identity totally shifts.
00:00:48.880 --> 00:00:53.840
And not only that, we've lost that community, the community that was tied to those old chapters.
00:00:53.920 --> 00:00:56.079
And that can leave us feeling pretty lonely.
00:00:56.240 --> 00:01:00.880
So today we're going to address all that in a beautiful conversation that I hope you stick around for.
00:01:01.039 --> 00:01:02.960
I'm your host, Linda Booker.
00:01:03.039 --> 00:01:06.799
And if the life you are in no longer fits, this space is for you.
00:01:07.040 --> 00:01:21.359
Because through my coaching and through my podcast, I guide purpose-driven people to reconnect to who they truly are and to let go of what they've outgrown and rediscover their gifts and then create a life that feels aligned and is deeply impactful.
00:01:21.519 --> 00:01:26.319
And if that sparks something within you, you can find me at lyndabooker.com.
00:01:26.719 --> 00:01:33.280
Okay, back to today's episode, Building Community After Divorce, Widowhood, or a Major Life Change.
00:01:33.439 --> 00:01:37.920
I have the pleasure of being joined by Julie Marvel of Step Into Grace Media.
00:01:38.000 --> 00:01:41.920
And Julie's making positive ripples in her very unique and beautiful way.
00:01:42.079 --> 00:01:47.599
Julie built Step Into Grace Media from her own personal experience, which she will be sharing.
00:01:48.159 --> 00:01:55.439
And she helps women to confidently create their next chapter through community, through intentional connection, and through personal growth.
00:01:55.599 --> 00:01:59.439
So, Julie, thanks so much for being with me today on Conversations Worth Your While.
00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:01.200
Thank you so much for having me.
00:02:01.280 --> 00:02:02.560
It's nice to be here, Linda.
00:02:03.120 --> 00:02:04.000
It's awesome.
00:02:04.239 --> 00:02:08.800
So can you just tell us a little bit more about who you serve and what you do?
00:02:09.120 --> 00:02:10.080
I sure can.
00:02:10.319 --> 00:02:12.879
So I serve a group of women.
00:02:13.039 --> 00:02:18.159
We have an online community and I work with women who are reaching midlife.
00:02:18.560 --> 00:02:27.919
A lot of times they have been going through a major life change like divorce, widowhood, emptiness, or they move to a new area and they're looking for that sense of community.
00:02:28.159 --> 00:02:38.879
So I use courses and weekly live calls, and we have a membership online where the women can come together and find that sense of community with each other.
00:02:39.360 --> 00:02:40.319
Well, that's beautiful.
00:02:40.400 --> 00:02:41.280
It's a beautiful thing.
00:02:41.360 --> 00:02:47.680
We'll definitely, I'll ask you more about that at the conclusion of our show because I want to share that with our audience.
00:02:48.000 --> 00:02:50.080
But okay, let's go to the show.
00:02:50.240 --> 00:02:50.560
All right.
00:02:50.639 --> 00:02:58.080
So first of all, um you and I have each been through a big life transition in different ways.
00:02:58.240 --> 00:03:02.319
And then I've I don't know how old your kids are, but my kids also all left the nest.
00:03:02.479 --> 00:03:04.080
My youngest is 24.
00:03:04.319 --> 00:03:08.240
Um, my oldest, he went into the Marine Corps when he was 18.
00:03:08.400 --> 00:03:11.759
Um, my middle child went into the marine corps when he was 19.
00:03:11.919 --> 00:03:14.159
So they've gone, right?
00:03:14.479 --> 00:03:18.960
My uh and my youngest, my daughter, she's out in grad school, she lives somewhere else.
00:03:19.120 --> 00:03:20.479
So I have an empty nest.
00:03:20.560 --> 00:03:21.599
So that was one big thing.
00:03:21.680 --> 00:03:27.599
And that is very common for women to go through, you know, if you've had children, which is is a majority.
00:03:27.759 --> 00:03:30.080
But we we've also been through other things.
00:03:30.240 --> 00:03:37.919
So I am a widow, technically, I am remarried now, but um, my husband passed away when my kids were three, five, and seven years old.
00:03:38.080 --> 00:03:42.000
And there was uh a transformation that happened there, big life transformation.
00:03:42.159 --> 00:03:43.759
And I know you also went through something.
00:03:43.919 --> 00:03:51.680
So why don't you just share, you know, your story uh a little bit about, you know, what went missing when you went through your transition.
00:03:52.000 --> 00:03:53.439
Yeah, thank you.
00:03:53.680 --> 00:03:57.919
So um about eight years ago, I did experience a divorce.
00:03:58.000 --> 00:04:00.479
And at that time, I had school-age children.
00:04:00.560 --> 00:04:03.280
I was working from home, we were living on a farm.
00:04:03.520 --> 00:04:09.120
And when that divorce initiated, I just realized I didn't have a sense of community.
00:04:09.199 --> 00:04:15.439
I lost my support system and I really lost my sense of who I was and what I wanted to do with my life.
00:04:15.599 --> 00:04:25.439
And so that was a real turning point for me when I started to invest in myself, in my healing, and finding a sense of community was step one for me.
00:04:26.240 --> 00:04:26.720
Yeah.
00:04:27.040 --> 00:04:35.600
So, um, okay, so you're when your kids are little, you're taking them to their soccer practice, your community is the other soccer moms, right?
00:04:35.759 --> 00:04:41.680
When you're like, you know, you're doing your thing, and then even when you're part of a couple, your community is that couplehood, right?
00:04:41.839 --> 00:04:44.319
The other the other couples that are in your community.
00:04:44.560 --> 00:04:56.879
And so, um, and and so when our kids grow up and leave the nest, when we go through a divorce um or you know, a widowhood, that community just goes missing.
00:04:57.040 --> 00:05:01.519
And and it's not because the people are like, you're out, you're not in anymore, you're out, bye.
00:05:01.680 --> 00:05:02.959
That's not where it comes from.
00:05:03.360 --> 00:05:10.240
They feel awkward to reach out to you, especially like if they're in a couple, like, I'm supposed to take sides or whatever, you know.
00:05:10.399 --> 00:05:12.879
Um it just shifts.
00:05:13.040 --> 00:05:23.839
I think it shifts everyone around you isn't really sure how to respond to this situation, and you're not really sure if you're comfortable being in your skin anymore because everything has changed.
00:05:24.079 --> 00:05:30.879
And so, you know, whether it's becoming an empty nester, which I'm actually experiencing right now, my my youngest just graduated high school and moved out.
00:05:30.959 --> 00:05:33.120
So that's that's a big change for me.
00:05:33.360 --> 00:05:37.680
And um, but when I was divorced a number of years ago, it was very similar.
00:05:37.839 --> 00:05:47.120
Like you said, you know, if you're going around and spending life as a couple and then all of a sudden you're single, it shifts a lot of different things, and you're not really expecting that to happen.
00:05:47.360 --> 00:05:58.000
And you know, we a lot of times have friends that we are doing certain things with, and if that goes away, then then you're left to be uncertain of where you're gonna find your next sense of community.
00:05:58.240 --> 00:05:58.560
Right.
00:05:58.800 --> 00:06:00.079
So it's lonely.
00:06:00.639 --> 00:06:05.120
And because you're uncertain of who I am now, who am I now?
00:06:05.360 --> 00:06:08.160
It's even hard to say, well, who do I want to hang out with?
00:06:08.319 --> 00:06:10.160
I don't know because I don't know me.
00:06:10.399 --> 00:06:12.240
That's that's what happens, right?
00:06:12.319 --> 00:06:12.720
Yeah, yeah.
00:06:12.959 --> 00:06:22.399
We don't we're like uh and I think sometimes people don't even realize that they are lonely, they're just feeling an emptiness and they're feeling like an uncertainty.
00:06:22.639 --> 00:06:28.959
But um, sometimes they aren't even able to put their finger on the fact that it's loneliness because they may be surrounded by people.
00:06:29.040 --> 00:06:33.279
They might have a job or they might, you know, be involved in sports or tennis or whatever.
00:06:33.439 --> 00:06:39.040
But it's really um different when you have an intimate conversation with someone that makes you feel seen and heard.
00:06:39.199 --> 00:06:49.199
And also when you have friends that know your story that you don't have to keep telling your story to every single time you see them, they know your story so they can ask about what's going on in your life.
00:06:49.439 --> 00:06:50.399
Yeah, yeah.
00:06:50.639 --> 00:06:59.519
And all those big shifts are a loss of identity, a loss of who we thought we were, or maybe who we were for a long time.
00:06:59.759 --> 00:07:04.720
It's very common for, especially for mothers, you know, to say, who are you?
00:07:04.959 --> 00:07:06.160
Like, well, I'm a mother.
00:07:06.480 --> 00:07:10.000
That's not actually the right answer, the truest answer to that question.
00:07:10.160 --> 00:07:16.000
That's a role, that's a responsibility for us, but it's not really who we are.
00:07:16.079 --> 00:07:20.720
So when we lose that active mothering, like, well, who am I now?
00:07:20.879 --> 00:07:22.160
I don't know the answer.
00:07:22.319 --> 00:07:26.720
So whenever we go through a big life transition, we always go through an identity crisis.
00:07:26.800 --> 00:07:28.079
It's absolutely normal.
00:07:28.240 --> 00:07:35.040
We go, we went through it in the positive transitions too, like when we got married or maybe when we had a child, right?
00:07:35.199 --> 00:07:38.879
We have gone through these big life transitions over and over again.
00:07:39.199 --> 00:07:45.439
And um, they will strip away the identity you thought you had without giving you the new one yet.
00:07:45.600 --> 00:07:49.839
So it is a very untethered, difficult place to be, isn't it?
00:07:50.160 --> 00:08:00.560
Yeah, I think it's almost like a little bit of a grieving process because, like you said, when you become a mother or when you become a wife or you get a career, um, you're adding to your life, right?
00:08:00.639 --> 00:08:03.680
You're getting something that you've worked for, you've tried to achieve.
00:08:03.839 --> 00:08:05.439
And so that's added into your life.
00:08:05.519 --> 00:08:08.879
But when we come out on the other side, we're sort of losing those things.
00:08:09.040 --> 00:08:16.560
We're losing our sense of motherhood or the divorce or the widowhood, or you know, when you retire from your job, now you've have a sense of loss.
00:08:16.639 --> 00:08:23.600
And so it is almost like a grieving process that leads you into a sense of loneliness where it's like, I'm not sure what's next for me.
00:08:23.839 --> 00:08:24.160
Yeah.
00:08:24.399 --> 00:08:25.600
And you're absolutely right.
00:08:25.759 --> 00:08:35.519
I mean, you know, like that's my job as a coach is to help people move through the four squares, or at least three of the four squares, of change, of big change.
00:08:35.679 --> 00:08:44.720
And square one is the death and rebirth square, and grieving is absolutely necessary, or else you'll never get into square two.
00:08:44.960 --> 00:08:48.240
So you have to grieve the loss of what was.
00:08:49.120 --> 00:08:51.600
And grieving is a releasing process.
00:08:51.759 --> 00:08:54.320
Now we can't grieve everything.
00:08:54.639 --> 00:09:00.720
Some stuff is just a story in our head, like now I'll have to, now I'll never find.
00:09:00.879 --> 00:09:03.440
If it's anything future-based, you're making it up.
00:09:03.600 --> 00:09:04.399
Just know that.
00:09:04.639 --> 00:09:05.679
That can't be grieved.
00:09:05.759 --> 00:09:07.200
So you can cry all you want over that.
00:09:07.279 --> 00:09:09.039
You that you cannot grieve.
00:09:09.200 --> 00:09:10.639
That has to be disbelieved.
00:09:10.799 --> 00:09:14.720
That's what you do in in the square one of change that you get thrown into.
00:09:14.960 --> 00:09:17.039
What's truth and what's a story?
00:09:17.120 --> 00:09:20.480
If it's truth, I do need to grieve it so it can be released.
00:09:20.720 --> 00:09:24.080
And if it's not truth, I need to question the heck out of it.
00:09:24.399 --> 00:09:29.120
Because if I believe it, I'm going to be stuck in the sadness and loneliness forever.
00:09:29.679 --> 00:09:34.559
So we want to move into square two, which is this discovery.
00:09:34.639 --> 00:09:36.159
It's actually the most exciting phase.
00:09:36.320 --> 00:09:37.840
I love I love this phase.
00:09:38.159 --> 00:09:39.519
It's like the, okay.
00:09:39.759 --> 00:09:58.639
So let's move into our next touch point, which we're gonna we're gonna focus on today, um, which is once you go through this big transition, now you've got an opportunity, an opportunity discover who am I now and what's right for me.
00:09:58.720 --> 00:09:59.440
What do I want now?
00:09:59.600 --> 00:10:04.399
Because who I was when I got married, who I was when I had these kids, I'm not that human anymore.
00:10:04.480 --> 00:10:05.759
I'm not that woman anymore.
00:10:06.000 --> 00:10:07.679
And what I want is different.
00:10:07.919 --> 00:10:10.559
So we have an opportunity, right?
00:10:10.720 --> 00:10:12.240
So let's start with that.
00:10:12.480 --> 00:10:12.879
Yeah.
00:10:13.120 --> 00:10:13.440
Yeah.
00:10:13.519 --> 00:10:15.360
And this is where you get to be creative.
00:10:15.519 --> 00:10:22.559
Once you've moved past the acceptance that your life has changed and now you're ready for it to take the next step, then you get to be creative.
00:10:22.720 --> 00:10:26.000
You get to sort of um sort out what who do I want to be?
00:10:26.159 --> 00:10:31.679
And I remember going through this vividly because there were two things that I did um during this stage of my life.
00:10:31.759 --> 00:10:34.080
So this is something just as a suggestion for women.
00:10:34.240 --> 00:10:41.759
One of the things that I did was um I continued to order the same food from the same restaurants anytime I went somewhere.
00:10:41.919 --> 00:10:43.279
And so I made a decision.
00:10:43.440 --> 00:10:50.720
This is just so simple, but I made a decision that when I went to a restaurant, I would ask the waiter what the most popular thing on the menu was.
00:10:50.799 --> 00:10:52.639
And whatever it was, I would order it.
00:10:52.879 --> 00:11:02.080
And I know that sounds kind of silly, but it's like now I'm being a little bit more adventurous because I had gotten into these habits of just doing the same thing over and over again.
00:11:02.320 --> 00:11:10.720
And so it was so fun to go to these restaurants, and then what you're gonna get is always something good off the menu because it's the most popular thing, it's what they're known for.
00:11:10.960 --> 00:11:12.799
And so that was one little shift.
00:11:12.960 --> 00:11:16.480
Another shift that I made was I was in mom mode.
00:11:16.559 --> 00:11:19.679
I was wearing jeans and a black t-shirt every single day, every single day.
00:11:19.759 --> 00:11:21.759
And I just decided to not do that anymore.
00:11:21.919 --> 00:11:26.000
I decided to bring color into my wardrobe and not wear the same thing over and over.
00:11:26.080 --> 00:11:27.759
And I was very intentional about that.
00:11:27.840 --> 00:11:35.600
And so those were the first two steps that I made in kind of a shift in how I saw my identity or how I was seeing myself.
00:11:35.919 --> 00:11:44.080
Well, those are actually if, and you might not know this, but those are very predictable things that that tell you you're in square two.
00:11:44.480 --> 00:11:45.519
That's predictable.
00:11:45.679 --> 00:11:48.559
When you look at your wardrobe and you go, none of this is me.
00:11:48.639 --> 00:11:51.279
And I don't know what is me yet, but it's not this.
00:11:51.519 --> 00:12:01.759
When you go, you know what, I gotta put some color in this house, and you take all your gray walls and you paint them white, or you paint them purple, or you paint them whatever, or you go, you know what, this hair doesn't feel like anymore.
00:12:01.840 --> 00:12:03.039
And I'm chopping it all off.
00:12:03.200 --> 00:12:07.919
Whenever you do something like that, it is natural in square two.
00:12:08.159 --> 00:12:11.679
It's telling you you're in square two, which is the discovery phase.
00:12:11.759 --> 00:12:18.240
And we discovered through experiments and through contrast of what it isn't any longer.
00:12:18.480 --> 00:12:22.399
So not jeans and black t-shirts any longer.
00:12:22.720 --> 00:12:25.279
Maybe it's color, and then you try it out.
00:12:25.440 --> 00:12:27.440
And so it's about experimenting.
00:12:27.519 --> 00:12:34.960
And as we're experimenting, the way to move through square two is by noticing, and then you can narrow and then you name.
00:12:35.120 --> 00:12:35.840
So that's right.
00:12:36.080 --> 00:12:38.399
What a beautiful segue for you to bring me into square two.
00:12:38.639 --> 00:12:40.399
I can explain for our listeners.
00:12:40.879 --> 00:12:46.399
So when you feel that urge, you are in square two, which is very cool because it's your discovery phase.
00:12:46.559 --> 00:12:46.799
Yeah.
00:12:46.960 --> 00:12:47.120
Yeah.
00:12:47.279 --> 00:12:47.440
Yeah.
00:12:47.519 --> 00:12:48.480
I think that's so great.
00:12:48.639 --> 00:12:50.720
And it's just an opportunity, you know.
00:12:50.799 --> 00:13:02.080
And I think what you can oftentimes do at that stage is look back on when you before you had kids or before you were married, and sort of what were some of the things that you liked doing back then, or who was your identity back then?
00:13:02.240 --> 00:13:09.200
And you can sort of revive those parts of your personality that you did get joy from back way before you were so busy.
00:13:09.279 --> 00:13:11.600
And I think that that's a good place to start.
00:13:11.679 --> 00:13:17.679
And then you can build on it from there and sort of try new things and explore your new identity.
00:13:17.919 --> 00:13:19.120
It's a perfect place to start.
00:13:19.360 --> 00:13:23.840
Matter of fact, those are the questions I ask when someone's coming to me, even for like a career change.
00:13:23.919 --> 00:13:25.279
Like, I got a pivot.
00:13:25.360 --> 00:13:28.320
I no longer want to do this, and I don't want know what I want to do.
00:13:28.559 --> 00:13:30.960
I will take them back and ask them questions.
00:13:31.200 --> 00:13:33.840
So, you know, what are the hot, what are your hobbies?
00:13:34.000 --> 00:13:37.840
Even if you haven't had time to do them in the last 15 years, what are your hobbies?
00:13:38.000 --> 00:13:43.360
And it's not so much what the hobby is that gives you the information, it's the why behind the hobby.
00:13:43.679 --> 00:13:46.320
What specifically about that lit you up?
00:13:46.480 --> 00:13:48.960
Yeah, or like do you like to do athletic things?
00:13:49.120 --> 00:13:50.720
Do you like to do artistic things?
00:13:50.960 --> 00:13:53.279
Do you like to do reading kinds of things?
00:13:53.360 --> 00:13:58.000
You know, it's sort of like looking at who you are internally and what makes you happy.
00:13:58.240 --> 00:13:58.879
Exactly.
00:13:59.039 --> 00:14:07.120
And and even if you don't know what makes you happy yet, though it's the why behind what used to make you happy that you is the biggest clue.
00:14:07.360 --> 00:14:10.559
And so, you know, why did you love to go ride your bike?
00:14:10.799 --> 00:14:14.879
Because maybe riding your bike now at 60 years old is not something you want to do.
00:14:15.120 --> 00:14:17.120
But why did you love to ride your bike?
00:14:17.279 --> 00:14:18.480
Oh, I really loved it.
00:14:18.559 --> 00:14:22.559
It felt like freedom, you know, I was alone, but I was in movement.
00:14:22.720 --> 00:14:24.720
Freedom and movement, like, oh, perfect.
00:14:24.799 --> 00:14:26.080
That's a beautiful clue.
00:14:26.240 --> 00:14:30.639
I call them puzzle pieces, and we just spend a lot of time collecting these puzzle pieces.
00:14:30.720 --> 00:14:33.759
And then how can freedom and movement like now?
00:14:34.080 --> 00:14:36.799
Well, how would you like to experiment with freedom and movement now?
00:14:36.960 --> 00:14:42.000
And it's just an experiment, and you know, you just give it a little try and you learn who you are.
00:14:42.559 --> 00:14:42.799
All right.
00:14:43.600 --> 00:14:47.679
Now let's move into this community piece.
00:14:48.000 --> 00:14:56.240
So we've lost the community of you know, the circumstances we had tied with our kids, tied with the couples, tied with whatever.
00:14:56.559 --> 00:15:16.000
And once you've discover our and are in the midst of discovering, it's doesn't, it's not like a one happens first and the other, but as you're discovering who you are now and what you want now at this point in your life, using this space that you've just been gifted as an opportunity to discover more about you and your purpose, right?
00:15:16.559 --> 00:15:25.279
Now instead of being lonely, we can find a community of choice instead of one of circumstance, correct?
00:15:25.440 --> 00:15:26.240
Right, right.
00:15:26.559 --> 00:15:27.120
Absolutely.
00:15:27.279 --> 00:15:39.279
So I think it's just so important for us to be intentional about building community or finding a community because oftentimes we're sort of waiting for someone else to reach out to us or for us to be invited somewhere.
00:15:39.440 --> 00:15:40.720
And that doesn't always happen.
00:15:40.879 --> 00:15:57.679
Sometimes you need to be intentional and start looking for either people in your life that you might want to reach back out to or a community that's already in existence, like a meetup group or a book club or a volunteer kind of situation where you can get engaged with the community.
00:15:57.840 --> 00:16:02.320
And I think that this is the first step in learning what you like, what you don't like.
00:16:02.480 --> 00:16:03.279
You can test it out.
00:16:03.440 --> 00:16:06.559
It doesn't need to be this is the only one that I'm gonna try.
00:16:06.879 --> 00:16:19.120
But this is so important for really learning more about yourself and learning what kind of community you're looking for in order to feel that sense of belonging and meaning and purpose and bringing that back into your life.
00:16:19.360 --> 00:16:19.840
Yes.
00:16:20.080 --> 00:16:22.159
And it does take a little bit of courage.
00:16:22.480 --> 00:16:23.840
Um, but you have to take a step.
00:16:24.000 --> 00:16:31.440
I like to use this metaphor for all sorts of things, but um, you know, with the kids when they were little, we would play the game of getting warmer and getting colder.
00:16:31.679 --> 00:16:34.799
And so they would leave the room, I'd hide a toy somewhere.
00:16:35.039 --> 00:16:39.440
They had to step into the room or they would never ever find the toy.
00:16:39.679 --> 00:16:44.240
And the first step, also, they would never ever find the toy if they all stopped right there.
00:16:44.399 --> 00:16:46.559
So you take you have to take that first step.
00:16:46.799 --> 00:16:48.960
And in the first step, you get feedback.
00:16:49.120 --> 00:16:54.879
And the feedback is where you learn more about who you are and what you want.
00:16:55.360 --> 00:16:57.759
So you take that step and you get the feedback.
00:16:57.919 --> 00:16:59.120
Oh, that's getting colder.
00:16:59.200 --> 00:17:01.039
I'm no longer gonna go in that direction.
00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:07.200
And then you make a shift and you go into an you take another step, not knowing if it's still gonna be getting colder or getting warmer.
00:17:07.359 --> 00:17:12.480
But you know, if you've ever played this game, you will always find the toy as long as you listen to the feedback.
00:17:12.640 --> 00:17:13.759
And that's how life is.
00:17:13.920 --> 00:17:16.160
That's how when you're finding what your new career can be.
00:17:16.319 --> 00:17:19.359
That's how when I talk to the 20-somethings and they're like, I don't know what.
00:17:19.440 --> 00:17:23.119
I'm like, well, you gotta take a step because it's the game of getting warmer and getting colder.
00:17:23.200 --> 00:17:26.480
And you gotta keep playing and you got to play all the time.
00:17:26.640 --> 00:17:29.759
And that's the same when you go through a big life transition.
00:17:29.920 --> 00:17:32.319
How do I discover who I am and what I want?
00:17:32.480 --> 00:17:34.559
You play the game of getting warmer and getting colder.
00:17:34.640 --> 00:17:40.319
You take a step, you go to one of those meetup groups, you say, Yeah, I like the thing they're doing, but those people are not my people.
00:17:40.559 --> 00:17:41.519
Okay, great.
00:17:41.680 --> 00:17:43.039
Don't say, Well, that's it.
00:17:43.119 --> 00:17:44.480
I tried, I'm out.
00:17:44.960 --> 00:17:47.599
You know, like, okay, let me try somewhere else.
00:17:47.759 --> 00:17:49.440
It is that thing, it's not those people.
00:17:49.599 --> 00:17:52.319
Where might my people hang out, right?
00:17:52.559 --> 00:17:54.160
What else might they be doing?
00:17:54.480 --> 00:18:08.079
Yeah, and I think I I want everyone to know that it's totally normal for you to be fearful or to feel nervous or to not be certain about taking that first step because I've talked to many, many women that have had that experience.
00:18:08.240 --> 00:18:15.359
And once you take that first step, even if it's the wrong first step, you you are building up that sense of confidence that you can handle it.
00:18:15.599 --> 00:18:26.000
And so taking that first step is so important to build your confidence, to start your healing, and to start finding the right direction that you need to go in to find the right people to have in your life.
00:18:26.160 --> 00:18:30.160
I think that it is so normal for it to be a little scary at the beginning.
00:18:30.400 --> 00:18:32.000
Oh, it's absolutely normal.
00:18:32.160 --> 00:18:39.680
I mean, okay, I'm a raging extrovert, so I will go in a room with people I don't know and have a great time, but I am the exception to the rule.
00:18:39.920 --> 00:18:40.160
Right.
00:18:40.319 --> 00:18:41.759
Yes, not everyone is like that.
00:18:41.839 --> 00:18:49.599
And there are some people that are, but I would say the majority of people, even people that like to be in a social environment, might still be nervous about is it going to be the right?
00:18:50.079 --> 00:18:52.559
Are they gonna like me or even am I gonna like them?
00:18:52.640 --> 00:18:54.000
You you aren't really sure ahead of time.
00:18:54.160 --> 00:18:54.799
You aren't really sure.
00:18:54.880 --> 00:18:55.119
Yeah.
00:18:55.279 --> 00:19:00.640
One of the things I like to share with people is when things are scary, just lower the stakes.
00:19:00.880 --> 00:19:01.440
That's it.
00:19:01.599 --> 00:19:02.480
Lower the stakes.
00:19:02.559 --> 00:19:04.319
And that's just that's a mindset move.
00:19:04.480 --> 00:19:13.519
That's saying, you know, okay, if this, if this meetup group I went into and checked it out doesn't go my way, I'm gonna make a sitcom story out of it.
00:19:13.759 --> 00:19:16.559
I'm like, I'm gonna get an anecdote out of this.
00:19:16.720 --> 00:19:17.039
That's right.
00:19:17.200 --> 00:19:19.599
That's the like, so I'm going in it for that.
00:19:19.759 --> 00:19:21.039
Hey, maybe I'll meet someone.
00:19:21.200 --> 00:19:29.839
And then the fear of being yourself, that's like I'm actually teaching, uh running a lab about overcoming imposter syndrome for business owners right now.
00:19:30.160 --> 00:19:34.079
And um, you know, it's a really obvious thing to point out.
00:19:34.240 --> 00:19:39.680
If you're showing up as somebody else or please like me, then they're gonna like the imposter and not like you.
00:19:39.839 --> 00:19:42.319
Like, so why would you want to hang out eventually?
00:19:42.559 --> 00:19:45.680
Yeah, like you're then you'll be like, Will anyone love me for who I am?
00:19:45.759 --> 00:19:48.400
Well, not if you don't show them who you are, it's impossible.
00:19:48.720 --> 00:19:54.720
So go there with like, this is who I am, like me, don't like me, because that's not actually my business.
00:19:54.960 --> 00:20:05.440
You can't control the lens through which other people see you because it's their lens covered in their schmutz of their history, their insecurities, their whole thing.
00:20:05.680 --> 00:20:11.599
So whether they look you up and down with a look on their face or are open arms, you have zero control either way.
00:20:11.680 --> 00:20:16.319
So just be who you are and lower the stakes because if they don't like you, you never have to go back.
00:20:16.400 --> 00:20:18.400
If you don't like them, you never have to go back.
00:20:18.640 --> 00:20:19.279
Right, right.
00:20:19.359 --> 00:20:27.920
And you gain information, you know, even if it's a not a good experience, you're gaining the information for what you like and what you don't like, or or what direction you need to go next.
00:20:28.079 --> 00:20:33.279
It's just basic information, it's feedback for yourself so that you know, oh, I didn't like that experience.
00:20:33.359 --> 00:20:34.720
Now I'm gonna try something different.
00:20:34.960 --> 00:20:35.119
Right.
00:20:35.279 --> 00:20:36.400
That was getting colder.
00:20:36.559 --> 00:20:37.839
So let's try something else.
00:20:38.000 --> 00:20:38.240
Right.
00:20:38.400 --> 00:20:39.759
Next step, next step.
00:20:39.839 --> 00:20:42.160
And you will find it and you will find your community.
00:20:42.400 --> 00:20:43.440
Um, beautiful.
00:20:43.599 --> 00:20:55.279
Okay, so um, listeners, before you hit play on the next podcast, um, which I hope is another conversations worth your while episode because we're all so fun and so great with excellent people.
00:20:55.519 --> 00:21:03.440
Um, if you it's like if you buy a book and you peruse through it and you put it on your shelf and you don't do anything, we call that shelf help instead of self-help.
00:21:03.680 --> 00:21:11.920
So when it comes to podcast land, before you click play on the next episode, um, we would like you to take a turtle step.
00:21:12.319 --> 00:21:14.079
You know, turtles take kind of small steps.
00:21:14.160 --> 00:21:16.640
I mean, I know they can move fast, but they don't take giant steps.
00:21:16.799 --> 00:21:18.079
So we're gonna take a turtle step.
00:21:18.240 --> 00:21:24.319
And a turtle step is a smallest step that you'll actually take before you hit play on the next podcast episode.
00:21:24.480 --> 00:21:29.359
So, Julie, I would love if you would share a turtle step with our listeners today.
00:21:29.519 --> 00:21:37.279
Um, so if they like are like, yeah, I want to discover who I am or I want to find my new community, um, what could they do?
00:21:37.759 --> 00:21:43.279
Yeah, I think this is a very simple thing that women can do that will get them started.
00:21:43.440 --> 00:21:54.559
So I just want you to sit down with a little piece of paper and a pencil or your phone and make a list of people in your life that maybe you've lost touch with or maybe you'd like to reconnect with.
00:21:54.799 --> 00:21:59.759
And you might be surprised that those people are wanting to reconnect with you as well.
00:22:00.079 --> 00:22:01.599
And they're waiting for you to invite them.
00:22:01.680 --> 00:22:05.759
So I want you to make a list of anybody in your life that you want to reconnect with.
00:22:05.920 --> 00:22:09.599
If you don't have anyone, if no one's coming to mind, maybe you've moved to a new area.
00:22:09.680 --> 00:22:17.839
I want you to sit down and make a list of groups or organizations that you could try to get involved with in order to find that sense of community.
00:22:17.920 --> 00:22:24.079
And then reach out to the one person on the list to start or reach out to the organization that you want to get involved with.
00:22:24.240 --> 00:22:27.200
Just do that one thing and that's taking that first step.
00:22:27.440 --> 00:22:27.680
Right.
00:22:27.839 --> 00:22:28.480
That's beautiful.
00:22:28.640 --> 00:22:33.839
That's often what we choose as coaches, um, is the smallest turtle step is make a list.
00:22:34.079 --> 00:22:35.680
Hey, all I gotta do is make a list.
00:22:35.759 --> 00:22:38.799
It does not obligate me to do anything, just make a list.
00:22:38.960 --> 00:22:45.599
And if you make that list, then the next day you could pick one thing on that list to do.
00:22:46.000 --> 00:22:50.319
One thing, just one, and go out on that limb as an experiment.
00:22:50.720 --> 00:22:53.759
Nothing has to mean anything about who you are.
00:22:53.920 --> 00:22:56.960
Don't make it mean something, it's just an experiment.
00:22:57.119 --> 00:22:59.440
Maybe I reach out to that person and they don't answer back.
00:22:59.599 --> 00:23:02.559
Don't make it mean you weren't worthy of being answered.
00:23:02.799 --> 00:23:11.119
Just like, okay, well, they might be busy, or maybe they don't use that inbox anymore, or what like there's a thousand other reasons they might not reach out.
00:23:11.359 --> 00:23:11.680
That's right.
00:23:11.759 --> 00:23:12.000
That's right.
00:23:12.400 --> 00:23:13.839
Well, I'll try somebody else, right?
00:23:14.319 --> 00:23:15.680
So you never know.
00:23:15.839 --> 00:23:21.200
And then often you reach out to someone, they're like, oh my gosh, it's so nice.
00:23:21.359 --> 00:23:21.599
Yeah.
00:23:21.839 --> 00:23:30.799
Reach out to me, you know, like and sometimes it might take a couple of times to get in touch with that person because they may not be in a quiet period of their life.
00:23:31.039 --> 00:23:39.440
So, you know, I would say not even to give up after one try because oftentimes it takes a couple of times for someone to go, oh, they're really just wanting to get together with me.
00:23:39.599 --> 00:23:41.519
And they might be so grateful that you did.
00:23:41.759 --> 00:23:43.119
Yeah, beautiful.
00:23:43.359 --> 00:23:43.680
Okay.
00:23:43.839 --> 00:23:46.559
Well, Julie, this has been such a beautiful conversation.
00:23:46.720 --> 00:23:49.279
I want to thank you so much for being my guest.
00:23:49.599 --> 00:23:52.640
And um, I know you do have this community.
00:23:52.720 --> 00:23:57.039
I'd love if you just tell our listeners a little bit more about the community that you run.
00:23:57.359 --> 00:23:57.680
Yes.
00:23:57.759 --> 00:23:59.440
Well, thank you so much for having me today.
00:23:59.599 --> 00:24:00.559
This has been so lovely.
00:24:00.720 --> 00:24:02.799
So um I have a website.
00:24:02.880 --> 00:24:05.759
It's called stepintogracemedia.com.
00:24:05.839 --> 00:24:08.160
And that is where I have built the community.
00:24:08.240 --> 00:24:12.079
We have what's called the Grace Community, which is a membership-based community.
00:24:12.160 --> 00:24:23.759
And then within that community, we do weekly live calls, we have courses, we're doing webinars and all kinds of things where women are moving into their next chapter, but they're doing it with the support of other women.
00:24:23.839 --> 00:24:25.119
So that's where you can find me.
00:24:25.200 --> 00:24:28.480
I'm also on Substack under my name, which is Julie Marble.
00:24:28.640 --> 00:24:29.119
Thank you.
00:24:29.359 --> 00:24:29.839
Beautiful.
00:24:30.000 --> 00:24:33.599
I will put um the links that you share with me in the show notes, everybody.
00:24:33.680 --> 00:24:40.079
So go down to those show notes and uh click through to find Julie's community and find Julie on Substack as well.
00:24:40.319 --> 00:24:42.000
Um, okay, so that's our show.
00:24:42.160 --> 00:24:42.960
I am Linda Booker.
00:24:43.039 --> 00:24:43.440
Thank you so much.
00:24:43.839 --> 00:24:44.640
You're welcome.
00:24:44.799 --> 00:24:51.440
Um, I'm Linda Booker, guiding people to know their worth, to reconnect to their gifts and create lives that are fully aligned and deeply impactful.
00:24:51.599 --> 00:25:04.079
And so if you're sensing it's time to bring your life into deeper alignment, you can explore what that looks like at lindabooker.com where you will find direction, uh, some clarity, and a link to book a complimentary clarity chat with me.
00:25:04.319 --> 00:25:12.079
And if today's episode sparks something for you, please like it and share it and subscribe, you know, so you don't miss what we are talking about next week.
00:25:12.240 --> 00:25:17.359
And join me next week for another uplifting conversation that is designed to support your growth.
00:25:17.680 --> 00:25:24.640
So until next time, please make sure you've made this conversation worth your while by fueling the spark that it ignited.
