You’re Overloaded Because You’re the Most Capable, Not Because You Lack Boundaries

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For ola sopam and welcome to our Mercharito, the place
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where we showcase the brands that believe in us and
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fdic sol. Welcome back to Cafe com Bam the Bilingo Podcast.
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A seller rates the power of our stories, the medicine
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and our voices and the magic of reclaiming who we are.
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Pull up your cavecito episolio is barati when I'm your host,
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and today we are going to talk about why the
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most competent woman in the room is the most overloaded
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one brigue. This is not an accident, a coincidence, or
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a compliment. By the end of this episode, you're gonna
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have a name for it and you'll know what to
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do on Monday morning, which is probably when you're listening
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to this. This we're gonna take us back to my
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time in corporate is the heaviest time of the season.
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We have a deadline. So I used to work in uh,
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an industry that was regulated and it had huge deadlines,
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so if you missed the deadline then you could face
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like big fines. It was stressful. So right at this
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moment in time, it's winter, it's deadline day. I was
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in charge of operations, and my team had worked so
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hard to get packages out. The thing is that if
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you've ever worked in a business that ships at volume,
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you have scheduled trucks, you have a relationship with all
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of the shipping companies, and they know that they need
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to come at a certain time to pick up all
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your packages because you'll you're going to have so many,
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so usually they send a big truck to pick up
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your stuff. So in this case, that day we had
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so many packages. We had probably in the warehouse, I
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don't know, thirty forty people, a combination between full time
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employees and temporary workers because we had to bring in
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temp workers during the heaviest season, and you know, anytime
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you bring temp work you have to train people. It
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was chaotic. So this day, specifically, we had to meet
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a deadline to ship the products because our customers needed
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to have them in the next couple of days and
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they needed to be picked up that day. So the
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USPS truck shows up. The driver says, you have five
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minutes because I'm enroute to pick up other people's packages.
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And I'm like, dude, like give us twenty minutes. Like
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hang out, give us twenty minutes. We're almost done. And
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he was like, look, if it was summertime, I would wait,
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no problem. But it's winter. It's when everyone wants to
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get their packages out by deadline. So I'm so sorry, Pam,
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I can't wait. Ugh. So at that moment he gets
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back in this truck, I mean, we can't stop it.
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Everyone turns to me and they just look at me
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like okay, now what. So he took what was done,
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but we still had some packages to finish, and without hesitation,
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I said, I'll drop it off now. Mind you, The
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drop off location was the opposite way to my house,
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and I still volunteered to go. My car was full
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of packages. I was driving away from home. It was late,
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like eight pm. I know it was dark. I remember
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it was dark. I was driving. I don't like driving
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at night, and so I remember driving at night because
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you know, a stigmatism. So I was just annoyed at myself,
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like why did I volunteer? I had a Sedan like
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there were people with trucks that were going that way.
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Like what. The next morning, I woke up with my
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left laptop on my chest. I had fallen asleep working.
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I woke up frantically realizing that I had to be
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back at the office. I packed snacks from my own
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kitchen that were probably expired because I hadn't had time
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to go grocery shopping, so I didn't even have lunch.
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Then I kept putting out fires until my body quit.
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My body was like, you need to stay your ass
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home now. I want to clarify here. What I'm saying is,
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don't go get sick because I didn't know better at
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the time. We need to stop romanticizing exhaustion. That's not
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the point. What I'm hopefully modeling here is what not
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to do is to realize that getting sick is not
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the strategy. Getting sick is actually what happens when you
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don't build a strategy. And I didn't have one. I
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was just going with it because I was the reliable one.
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When I think about it, nobody asked me to pick
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up the packages. They looked at me to come up
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with a solution because I was in charge and I volunteered,
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but I wasn't told to do it. This is why
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when we are told, just said the boundary doesn't work
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for us, because at that point I didn't have a
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request to decline. My competence is what answered before anyone
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asked me if I could deliver the packages while I
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was home being sick. The department didn't fall apart. The
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company kept shipping, the team kept working, the packages got delivered,
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everything got handled. And what I realized is that the
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team was capable. They were always capable. They had been
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capable the whole time, but they didn't have a reason
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to prove it because my reliability was subsidizing everyone else's slack.
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Think about it, Competence is the qualification. We don't get
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more handed to us because we're undervalued. We get more
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handed to us because we are the ones who will
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do it right. And this is a conversation that I
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have with first gens all the time, and we take
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pride on it. I mean, listen, I could go back
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and quote so many people that have said, you know,
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I will outwork you because we are the capable ones.
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But we're also the overworked ones. So my question to
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you is how many times have you been the one
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people look at for the answer? And in a really
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twisted way, it feels good like I've like as a
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first gen elder's daughter leader, people looking at me like,
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all right, Pam, What's what's going to be the next
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thing that we do? I was like, Oh, look at
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me being the reliable one, the capable one. Look at
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me the one solving the problems as I always have been,
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better looking, knows decons. Okay, this is kayea culture wearing
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a work badge. This is the eldest daughter, the youngest
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eldest daughter who was praised for not needing anything, who
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then grew into the woman who gets everything and does
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everything and saves everyone. Let me tell you now more
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examples so you can hopefully self identify, which maybe with
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my own story you've arrived there. But the reason why
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I'm doing this episode is because I've had these conversations
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a few times in the last few in the last
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few weeks, and I think we need to talk about it.
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So one of my cl clients, she has a counterpart,
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so they essentially have the same role. They deal with
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different teams, and he makes the same money as she does,
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even though he's been in the role less time. Okay,
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he took time off and leadership meeting said don't call
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him because he's off. When she took time off, she
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kept getting phone calls. Different policy for different phones. I
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have another one. She is an EA, so she's an
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executive assistant who was hired for one chief. Now she's
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reporting to four chiefs. And we've worked on asking for help.
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The response there's no budget, but there's budget for four executives.
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What do we do when we are in those situations
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where you know you're the most capable one, you know
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you could outwork people, which I think in one on
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one side of the coin is something to be proud of. Yes,
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we are the people that will overwork everyone like we
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are hardworking, we will get things done, we persevere. And
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on the other side of the coin, it's exhausting. I've
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talked to I mean including myself. It got to my
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body saying you can no longer get up. You have
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to rest. You're unforced rest because you cannot continue to
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self exploit yourself. Nobody's asking you. They're looking at you
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because you're capable, and then you're making the choice to
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self exploit because you can. So what do we do well? No,
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I don't. No. You make the load visible. So if
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you are the capable one and people come to you
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because you can get it done, you want to also
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build something, whether it's a board. I had a client
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who literally when they do an in person, they go
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to the office so everyone in the team is present.
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So she built a physical whiteboard with all of the
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things that she's working on all the projects. So anytime
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she's handed something, she tells people, what if this doesn't
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get done? So I can get this done. Everyone can
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see it. There's complete buy in, so everyone is involved
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in the process. You cannot be the only one carrying it. So,
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whether it's a virtual board, a physical board, a document,
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a project tracker, whatever it is that you need to
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build not only for yourself to measure your capacity in
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many ways, but also for others to see all the
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things that you're carrying so they can realize that they
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don't have to hand you more things to carry just
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because you can handle it. When you show people, it
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allows you to now the boundary be a cocreation. I
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have ten things on my plate, you're adding an eleventh one.
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I'm only capable of doing ten. What comes off so
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I can get your thing done and let people choose.
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Let people pick. So this is more of a managing
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up type of process, and the point is for this
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to be a collaboration. That's teamwork right now. Something important
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to note is the tracker is not a productivity tool.
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The tracker is your evidence. The tracker is there to
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show the invisible be visible. This is there to let
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somebody else make the decision, so you are not with
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the burden of not just solving it, but also deciding it.
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So remove the idea of this being an efficiency tool
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or a proctivity tool. It's not a proctivity tool. It
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will help you, but at the end of the day,
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it's more about creating showing the invisible visk making the
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invisible visible so others could see all of the things
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that you're carrying, because the capable ones are the ones
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that carry things in silence because you can. And then
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there's this inherited shame around not getting it done, and
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so you're working late, you're waking up with your laptop
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on your chest, and then you're saying, but I got
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it done because I'm capable, and there's this pride of
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like working people. But then you're super tired and you're
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burning out, and then you're not happy. That's not what
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we're here to do in this world. Life is to
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be beautiful and romantic and soft and easy. Not for
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you to carry your laptop home and wake up with
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it dead because fell asleep working sending an email. What's
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important for you to notice here is that when you
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build the invisible visible, then it will show you, without
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getting sick, what you've gotten handled and what you simply
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don't have the capacity to do because we're not robots here.
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So it's one tiny step. Today. I'm showing up quick
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and snippy with one tiny thing that you can do.
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Make the invisible visible, show people all the things that
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you're carrying, so they can help you decide what needs
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to come off. So you can add one more thing.
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We can talk about delegation next, if you want to.
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We can talk about assertiveness if you want to. Let
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me now. But I think there's enough conversations lately in
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my world that I thought, I think this conversation this
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episode is important because if I'm having it with at
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least four people, then probably there's more of you out
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there dealing with it. So you came in thinking you
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were overloaded because you're not good at boundaries, and that's
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not what it is. What I'm hoping you're leaving is
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knowing that you're overloaded because you're actually great, because you
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are so capable. No one's ever had to ask ACOMEDI
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have you heard of that? I remember when I was
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growing up, there's this pride on being acomedia. Hat a
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friend in high school who she was the most accomedia
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like ever, and literally she would come over to my
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house and I'm I'm an eldest daughter, right, So my
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siblings there are six and seven years younger than me,
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and so when she would come over to my house,
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they were like, like, you know, when you're young, like
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right now, when we're adults, you can't really tell the difference,
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but when your kids, I mean, I'm fifteen and my
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siblings are half my age, right. So she she would
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come over and the little kids were with their friends.
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So there's a house full of little kids and her
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and I and you know, Seponia like we would eat
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dinner or whatever. I mean, of course, like single mom,
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so we had to take care of a lot of things.
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But p and my mom was like oh my gosh,
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I love her because she's so a comdida and she
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would tell her like, I'm in Gantas make super is
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Bienna comedia, Bienna comedia, and I'm like, then, I learned
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to be a comedia, which is what made me the
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capable one. So we grow up with that praise that
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ends up biting us many times because in Sea Medira
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over like, we self exploit and we overwork. And so
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the goal of this episode is for you to understand,
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for you to remember. I think you understand it, but
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it's for you to remember that the overload is because
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you're so capable. People depend on you. So now you know.
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Now you can see it coming. You have the awareness
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because you your reliability is uncompensated. That's it. It's not
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necessarily a character flaw. It's simply uncompensated because we've let
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that happen because we have pride and being a comedias,
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we have pride in being capable ones. So make it visible,
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make the invisible be visible. Show people all the shit
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that you're carrying that you're like, you know what, I'm
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gonna give you some of these rocks that you keep
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giving me so you can help me carry them to
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or help me decide. I can only hold so much
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in my hands. Cool, If you want to add something else,
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then what marble needs to come off? I'm using a
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lot of words. Tell me what you think about this,
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like short episode, if you recognize yourself in that room,
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if you're the e coomedia, or if you're the capable one,
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if you're the one that people look at when there's
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a solution that's needed. Remember that this is a conditioning
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that taught you to answer before you were asked. It's
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and this started when you were little in the kitchen,
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or it started when you were taking care of your
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primo primas. And it's not a bad thing. It's just
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simply we want to reframe it into your capacity, your
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capability to not necessarily be unrewarded. Bring people in. Cool.
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You want me to do more? What less could I do?
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So I can do that? Yeah? When I says those
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that you tell you if you want more, if you
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want less, if you want me to talk about whatever
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else may have come up, please send me a message.
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I love getting them. Also, take the Ka culture quiz.
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It's free. It will give you the wound that you
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00:20:33.319 --> 00:20:36.880
carry and it will give you some options and what
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00:20:37.000 --> 00:20:41.759
to do different when you uncover that wound. Gopacompom dot com,
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fort slash, Quizma, got a sports Aki. I live for
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your letters, so send me listener letters. I read them
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and I build episodes off of them. So being the
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capable one. Remember being the capable one does it mean
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that you have to do it all? Stop saving people.
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People are not projects. Cioa Compum is created by our
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small but mighty team. Content production by Nancy Heimis, podcast
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management by Marulinardin, social media and marketing by Brenda Figuero.
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And meet your host Vamcos. To keep the cavacito brewing
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and the healing flowing, join the Supporters Club for only
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five dollars a month and access early episodes, behind the
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Screenshot this episode and tag me and share what resonated.
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I love seeing your takeaways. Follow on your favorite podcast
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platform and subscribe to our YouTube channel. Let's keep the
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conversation going with us on social media at Kapa Compam
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podcast because your voice always matters there. We love being
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on Instagram and Facebook. Gracias for listening to cafe combum
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has spread ideas, move people, production for Bird episodes, guest
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info or resources visit cafecombum dot com. And if you're
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healing from Gadieta culture and don't know where to start,
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you can take the quiz gafa coombum dot com Ford
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Slash Quiz for Tia Wisdom and Karino just for you