WEBVTT
00:00:00.959 --> 00:00:02.319
Hi, I'm Dr.
00:00:02.399 --> 00:00:03.359
Mark Bowers.
00:00:03.520 --> 00:00:09.599
I'm a licensed pediatric psychologist and I specialize in working with neurodivergent kids and their families.
00:00:09.919 --> 00:00:18.320
This podcast is for parents and caregivers who feel like parenting has been harder than they expected and who want understanding instead of blame.
00:00:18.719 --> 00:00:33.119
Here, we slow things down so that we can look beneath behavior and make sense of what's actually going on from a brain and nervous system perspective as we support neurodivergent kids with science, not shame.
00:00:33.600 --> 00:00:38.399
Before we get started, a quick note this podcast is for education and understanding.
00:00:38.560 --> 00:00:42.880
It isn't therapy, and it isn't a substitute for working with your own provider.
00:00:43.119 --> 00:00:51.280
I won't be giving individual advice, but I hope these conversations can help you think more clearly and compassionately about your child.
00:00:51.520 --> 00:00:57.039
In today's episode, we're talking about one of the hardest questions in neurodivergent parenting.
00:00:57.439 --> 00:01:03.840
Am I supporting my child or am I accidentally helping their world get smaller?
00:01:04.480 --> 00:01:11.040
Now that question can feel brutal because no loving parent wants to push a child who is truly overwhelmed.
00:01:11.439 --> 00:01:26.719
No parent wants to ignore anxiety, sensory overload, autistic burnout, ADHD task paralysis, PDA-related demand avoidance, trauma, depression, or a nervous system that is already running too hot.
00:01:27.359 --> 00:01:47.439
At the same time, no parent wants to wake up one day and realize their child can no longer tolerate school, chores, showers, leaving the house, family events, homework, social situations, restaurants, appointments, or anything that creates even a little discomfort.
00:01:47.760 --> 00:01:49.840
So where is the line?
00:01:50.719 --> 00:01:54.239
When is an accommodation truly supportive?
00:01:54.560 --> 00:01:58.799
And when does support quietly become avoidance?
00:01:59.120 --> 00:02:01.519
That's what we're talking about today.
00:02:01.760 --> 00:02:05.200
And I want to say this carefully right from the start.
00:02:05.519 --> 00:02:08.560
Accommodations are not the problem.
00:02:09.599 --> 00:02:13.599
Good accommodations can change a child's life.
00:02:13.840 --> 00:02:15.840
They can protect dignity.
00:02:16.080 --> 00:02:19.039
They can reduce unnecessary suffering.
00:02:19.360 --> 00:02:28.479
They can help a child access learning, relationships, and daily life in ways that actually fit their brain and nervous system.
00:02:29.360 --> 00:02:33.360
A child who needs noise reduction is not being spoiled.
00:02:33.680 --> 00:02:37.599
A child who needs movement breaks is not being lazy.
00:02:37.840 --> 00:02:41.360
A child who needs visual supports is not being difficult.
00:02:42.159 --> 00:02:47.439
A child who needs extra processing time is not manipulating adults.
00:02:47.680 --> 00:02:53.280
And a child who needs a modified assignment may still be working very hard.
00:02:53.919 --> 00:03:02.560
Accommodations can be ramps, but sometimes without meaning to, adults start building walls.
00:03:02.879 --> 00:03:05.759
And that is the distinction.
00:03:07.280 --> 00:03:11.360
A ramp helps a child access something hard.
00:03:11.840 --> 00:03:15.759
A wall keeps the hard thing away forever.
00:03:16.719 --> 00:03:19.599
Sometimes a wall is necessary in the short term.
00:03:19.919 --> 00:03:28.960
If a child is in crisis, burned out, panicking, shutting down, or unsafe, the first job is stabilization.
00:03:29.599 --> 00:03:35.039
You don't build resilience by throwing a drowning child into deeper water.
00:03:35.840 --> 00:03:44.240
But once the child is safer, calmer, and more regulated, we have to ask a second question.
00:03:44.960 --> 00:03:47.840
How do we help them regain capacity?
00:03:48.639 --> 00:03:58.719
Because support should not only reduce distress, over time, support should help a child build a life.
00:04:00.639 --> 00:04:06.960
Let's start with parents because parents are usually the ones standing in the kitchen at 7 14 a.m.
00:04:07.280 --> 00:04:12.080
trying to decide whether to hold the line or cancel the entire day.
00:04:12.479 --> 00:04:16.000
Your child says, I can't go to school.
00:04:16.399 --> 00:04:23.199
Not I don't want to, not school is boring, not can I stay home?
00:04:23.600 --> 00:04:26.480
No, they say I can't.
00:04:26.959 --> 00:04:41.839
And maybe they look awful, pale, panicked, angry, shut down, tearful, frozen, curled under a blanket, or moving through the house like a raccoon who has seen combat.
00:04:42.800 --> 00:04:59.839
You've seen what happens when you push, the yelling, the tears, the stomach aches, the refusal to get dressed, the child in the car who will not unbuckle, the walk from the parking lot that feels like you are escorting someone into a courtroom.
00:05:00.480 --> 00:05:04.639
So you think maybe today is not the day.
00:05:04.879 --> 00:05:08.639
And sometimes that is exactly right.
00:05:09.360 --> 00:05:12.560
Sometimes the nervous system is done.
00:05:13.040 --> 00:05:18.639
Sometimes a child genuinely cannot access the skill in that moment.
00:05:19.519 --> 00:05:23.600
And sometimes pushing harder will make things worse.
00:05:24.399 --> 00:05:28.560
But then tomorrow comes and the next day.
00:05:28.800 --> 00:05:34.399
And now the child has missed three days or six days or two weeks.
00:05:34.879 --> 00:05:36.800
The school is now emailing.
00:05:37.040 --> 00:05:38.480
You feel judged.
00:05:39.199 --> 00:05:41.120
Your child falls behind.
00:05:41.600 --> 00:05:44.319
The return feels even bigger.
00:05:44.959 --> 00:05:50.560
The mountain got taller while everyone was trying to avoid climbing it.
00:05:51.360 --> 00:05:53.839
That is the avoidance trap.
00:05:55.040 --> 00:06:01.839
Avoidance works beautifully in the short term, and that's why it's so sticky.
00:06:02.959 --> 00:06:08.240
If I avoid the thing that scares me, I feel relief.
00:06:09.680 --> 00:06:13.920
If I stay home from school, anxiety drops.
00:06:14.480 --> 00:06:18.160
If I skip the assignment, shame drops.
00:06:18.480 --> 00:06:22.000
If I don't go to the birthday party, social pressure drops.
00:06:22.240 --> 00:06:26.000
If I don't shower, sensory discomfort drops.
00:06:26.480 --> 00:06:30.720
If I don't start the chore, task overwhelm drops.
00:06:31.360 --> 00:06:33.040
Relief is powerful.
00:06:33.600 --> 00:06:38.240
Relief teaches the brain, good choice, do that again.
00:06:39.120 --> 00:06:45.680
The problem is that avoidance often makes the feared thing much bigger the next time.
00:06:49.839 --> 00:06:54.319
It's because the nervous system learns through experience.
00:06:55.439 --> 00:07:03.920
If every exposure to discomfort ends in escape, the brain does not learn I can handle this.
00:07:04.879 --> 00:07:12.319
Instead, the brain learns that was dangerous and escaping saved me.
00:07:13.360 --> 00:07:16.560
That is not a moral failure, that is conditioning.
00:07:16.879 --> 00:07:24.319
And if we understand that, we can stop shaming the child and start designing better support.
00:07:26.319 --> 00:07:32.319
Now, parents of neurodivergent kids often live inside impossible choices.
00:07:33.040 --> 00:07:41.279
Push too hard and the child may melt down, shut down, lose trust, or become more anxious.
00:07:41.920 --> 00:07:46.079
Back off too much, and the child's world may shrink.
00:07:46.879 --> 00:07:49.680
School says he needs to attend.
00:07:50.240 --> 00:07:52.720
The child says, I can't.
00:07:53.680 --> 00:08:03.439
The parent says, I have a job, a meeting, two other children, and I have not had a peaceful cup of coffee since 2016.
00:08:04.800 --> 00:08:10.000
Then someone online says, just validate their feelings.
00:08:10.639 --> 00:08:11.680
Thank you, internet.
00:08:12.000 --> 00:08:13.199
Very helpful.
00:08:13.439 --> 00:08:29.199
Of course we validate feelings, but validation alone does not solve the morning when one shoe is on, one shoe is missing, the child's under the table, and the school attendance office is calling you like a debt collector.
00:08:29.920 --> 00:08:32.480
Parents are told to accommodate.
00:08:33.440 --> 00:08:36.399
Then they are told not to enable.
00:08:37.120 --> 00:08:39.519
They are told to be compassionate.
00:08:39.919 --> 00:08:42.960
And then they are told to build resilience.
00:08:43.919 --> 00:08:47.039
Parents are told behavior is communication.
00:08:47.279 --> 00:08:48.960
I say it all the time.
00:08:49.279 --> 00:08:52.639
But then they are told the behavior cannot continue.
00:08:53.360 --> 00:08:56.639
They are told not to traumatize the child.
00:08:57.120 --> 00:09:00.720
And then they are told the child has to learn.
00:09:01.440 --> 00:09:06.639
All of those things can be true, which is what makes this so hard.
00:09:07.120 --> 00:09:13.039
The middle path is not simple, but it starts with asking better questions.
00:09:14.080 --> 00:09:17.200
Not do we push or do we accommodate?
00:09:17.600 --> 00:09:19.519
That question is too blunt.
00:09:20.159 --> 00:09:27.679
The better question is what is the smallest supported step toward capacity?
00:09:28.559 --> 00:09:31.759
That question changes the whole conversation.
00:09:34.720 --> 00:09:41.679
Now, one mistake adults make is getting stuck in the can't versus won't debate.
00:09:42.960 --> 00:09:45.919
Is the child refusing because they won't?
00:09:46.240 --> 00:09:49.600
Or are they unable because they can't?
00:09:50.080 --> 00:09:52.799
Now this debate can become a black hole.
00:09:53.360 --> 00:09:58.080
Parents will say he can't, teachers will say he won't.
00:09:58.480 --> 00:10:00.879
The child will say, I don't know.
00:10:01.519 --> 00:10:03.919
And everybody loses an afternoon.
00:10:04.399 --> 00:10:07.200
The truth is often more complicated.
00:10:07.840 --> 00:10:22.879
Many neurodivergent kids live in the land of can't yet, can with support, can sometimes, or can in one setting but not another.
00:10:23.840 --> 00:10:28.879
A child may be able to write three paragraphs at home but freeze at school.
00:10:29.120 --> 00:10:34.240
A child may tolerate the cafeteria on Monday and fall apart on Friday.
00:10:34.559 --> 00:10:39.039
A child may shower after swimming, but not before school.
00:10:39.600 --> 00:10:44.000
A child may do math with a trusted adult, but not independently.
00:10:44.320 --> 00:10:52.080
A child may speak confidently about dinosaurs for 47 minutes, but be unable to ask a classmate to join a game.
00:10:52.399 --> 00:11:09.519
A child may look capable because they are bright, verbal, funny, or articulate, but still have real lagging skills in initiation, flexibility, emotional regulation, interoception, sensory processing, or recovery after stress.
00:11:10.480 --> 00:11:19.519
So instead of arguing about can't versus won't, try asking what makes this possible sometimes?
00:11:20.480 --> 00:11:23.919
What makes it impossible other times?
00:11:24.559 --> 00:11:27.440
What support changes the outcome?
00:11:28.480 --> 00:11:32.399
What is the demand actually demanding?
00:11:33.039 --> 00:11:35.120
Now that last one's very important.
00:11:36.000 --> 00:11:38.960
A simple task may not be simple.
00:11:39.519 --> 00:11:43.279
Get ready for school is not one task.
00:11:43.600 --> 00:11:49.360
It's actually a 37-step executive functioning obstacle course with socks.
00:11:50.240 --> 00:12:03.360
Start your homework involves shifting attention, tolerating imperfection, remembering instructions, finding materials, managing frustration, and accepting that free time is over.
00:12:04.240 --> 00:12:17.039
Go to the party might involve noise, unpredictable peers, social performance, food uncertainty, greetings, goodbyes, and the possibility that someone will say, Want to play?
00:12:17.200 --> 00:12:22.320
And now your child has to know what their face is doing.
00:12:23.919 --> 00:12:28.720
Some kids are not avoiding the thing we think they are avoiding.
00:12:29.360 --> 00:12:32.799
They are avoiding the pile up underneath.
00:12:34.720 --> 00:12:37.440
So let's talk about the birthday party.
00:12:37.679 --> 00:12:39.919
Your child is invited to a party.
00:12:40.159 --> 00:12:45.200
Maybe it's at a trampoline park, which is basically a sensory blender with socks.
00:12:45.440 --> 00:12:46.879
Maybe it's at somebody's house.
00:12:46.960 --> 00:12:56.159
Maybe it's bowling, laser tag, an arcade, a pool, or one of those indoor play places where the noise level makes adults reconsider their life choices.
00:12:56.480 --> 00:12:59.679
At first, your child says they want to go.
00:12:59.840 --> 00:13:01.200
And then the day arrives.
00:13:01.440 --> 00:13:02.879
Suddenly, they don't.
00:13:03.120 --> 00:13:04.559
Their stomach hurts.
00:13:04.720 --> 00:13:06.320
The shirt feels wrong.
00:13:06.559 --> 00:13:08.399
They don't know where their shoes are.
00:13:08.639 --> 00:13:10.399
They ask who will be there.
00:13:10.559 --> 00:13:12.799
They ask what food will be served.
00:13:13.039 --> 00:13:15.279
They ask what time you're leaving.
00:13:15.519 --> 00:13:17.840
They ask if they can just skip it.
00:13:18.480 --> 00:13:24.480
They say, I don't even like him anyway, even though yesterday this child was their best friend.
00:13:24.799 --> 00:13:26.480
And now you have a decision.
00:13:26.720 --> 00:13:28.240
Do you make them go?
00:13:28.559 --> 00:13:30.639
Do you let them stay home?
00:13:31.120 --> 00:13:34.080
Do you say you committed, so we're going?
00:13:34.960 --> 00:13:38.879
Do you say your body is telling you no?
00:13:39.840 --> 00:13:42.480
This is where nuance matters.
00:13:42.799 --> 00:13:50.879
If the child is truly overwhelmed, forcing them into the party and leaving them to survive may backfire.
00:13:51.279 --> 00:13:59.200
But automatically skipping every party can also teach the child that social uncertainty is unmanageable.
00:14:00.240 --> 00:14:03.360
The middle pathway might sound like this.
00:14:04.159 --> 00:14:06.720
We're going to go for 20 minutes.
00:14:07.279 --> 00:14:10.080
You don't have to jump on the trampolines right away.
00:14:10.240 --> 00:14:11.679
We'll bring your headphones.
00:14:11.919 --> 00:14:14.080
You can stay near me at first.
00:14:14.320 --> 00:14:16.240
I'll hang out for a while.
00:14:16.480 --> 00:14:21.440
We'll say happy birthday and then we'll reassess and see if you want to stay or go.
00:14:22.399 --> 00:14:25.440
That is an accommodation that builds capacity.
00:14:26.399 --> 00:14:28.559
You did not say, Well, that's too bad.
00:14:28.720 --> 00:14:29.679
Get in there.
00:14:30.240 --> 00:14:34.799
You also did not say, Never mind, there's social discomfort here.
00:14:34.879 --> 00:14:36.720
That means we stay home.
00:14:36.960 --> 00:14:40.399
What you did is you created a small supported step.
00:14:40.639 --> 00:14:43.600
And maybe after those 20 minutes, the child is done.
00:14:43.919 --> 00:14:44.559
Fine.
00:14:45.039 --> 00:14:49.759
You paid your respects, you made your appearance, you can leave respectfully.
00:14:50.000 --> 00:14:52.879
But maybe after 20 minutes they join in.
00:14:53.440 --> 00:14:58.720
Maybe they never love trampoline parks, which honestly is reasonable.
00:14:58.960 --> 00:15:02.480
You know, some places feel like being inside a migraine headache.
00:15:02.720 --> 00:15:07.360
The goal is not to make every child tolerate every environment.
00:15:07.679 --> 00:15:09.840
The goal is to help the child learn.
00:15:10.000 --> 00:15:12.559
I can approach hard things with support.
00:15:12.960 --> 00:15:20.879
I can be present without even having to fully participate if it's not something I like, but maybe I just want to spend time with the people there.
00:15:21.039 --> 00:15:25.519
I can try without being trapped, and I can leave if I truly need to.
00:15:26.000 --> 00:15:29.679
But I do not have to flee before I've even started.
00:15:30.960 --> 00:15:33.360
This is capacity building.
00:15:34.480 --> 00:15:38.159
This is the formula for life success.
00:15:39.279 --> 00:15:46.480
Now let's talk about PDA-related issues because this is where the conversation can get especially intense.
00:15:47.759 --> 00:16:00.559
PDA is often described as a profile involving extreme demand avoidance, commonly discussed within autism communities, where everyday demands can trigger a threat response.
00:16:01.039 --> 00:16:11.279
Now, whether a family uses the term PDA or demand avoidance, nervous system threat response or something else, many parents know the pattern.
00:16:20.159 --> 00:16:29.600
Get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, start schoolwork, leave the house, accept help, choose between options.
00:16:30.159 --> 00:16:36.159
Even fun can become a demand once it has an expectation attached.
00:16:36.399 --> 00:16:39.200
A parent says, Do you want to go to the park?
00:16:39.440 --> 00:16:41.200
The child says yes.
00:16:41.519 --> 00:16:44.320
The parent says, Okay, get your shoes.
00:16:44.799 --> 00:16:47.440
Suddenly the park is dead to them.
00:16:48.159 --> 00:16:56.240
And this can look irrational from the outside, can look like defiance, control, manipulation, or oppositional behavior.
00:16:56.480 --> 00:17:01.360
But for many of these kids, demands can register as a threat.
00:17:02.080 --> 00:17:04.960
Their nervous system hears you must.
00:17:05.279 --> 00:17:09.920
And then it responds with fight, flight, freeze, or collapse.
00:17:10.319 --> 00:17:15.839
So standard behavioral strategies can and often do backfire.
00:17:16.880 --> 00:17:20.240
As a result, rewards can feel like pressure.
00:17:20.559 --> 00:17:22.880
Consequences can escalate.
00:17:23.279 --> 00:17:26.319
Direct instructions can trigger refusal.
00:17:26.880 --> 00:17:31.279
Praise can even feel like a demand to keep performing.
00:17:31.599 --> 00:17:35.920
This is real for many families and it deserves compassion.
00:17:36.880 --> 00:17:38.880
But here is the hard part.
00:17:39.759 --> 00:17:46.799
Demand avoidance can be real, and the child still needs a life.
00:17:48.240 --> 00:17:54.319
Nervous system explanation does not mean the world can become demand-free.
00:17:54.960 --> 00:17:56.240
Why is that?
00:17:57.119 --> 00:17:59.200
Because life has demands.
00:17:59.519 --> 00:18:02.799
Bodies have demands, relationships have demands.
00:18:03.119 --> 00:18:04.640
School has demands.
00:18:04.960 --> 00:18:07.039
Maintaining your health has demands.
00:18:07.279 --> 00:18:09.519
Even fun has demands.
00:18:09.839 --> 00:18:19.119
So if we remove every demand, the child's world may get smaller and smaller until almost everything feels impossible.
00:18:19.920 --> 00:18:23.920
So the goal is not to pretend demands are easy.
00:18:24.160 --> 00:18:28.960
The goal is to lower threat while gradually building tolerance.
00:18:29.519 --> 00:18:32.240
And that may mean using indirect language.
00:18:32.400 --> 00:18:41.200
It may mean offering autonomy, may involve collaboration, using humor, reducing unnecessary demands.
00:18:41.359 --> 00:18:46.000
It may mean choosing your timing carefully or saying less words.
00:18:46.160 --> 00:18:53.519
It may mean doing things side by side with the child or making the first step almost ridiculously small.
00:18:54.000 --> 00:19:02.160
Instead of you need to clean your room, maybe it's I'm going to put laundry in this basket and you can toss me socks if you want.
00:19:02.799 --> 00:19:09.279
Instead of start your homework, maybe it's let's just open this document and look at the first question.
00:19:09.759 --> 00:19:15.200
Instead of you have to shower, maybe it's do you want to shower first or do pajamas first?
00:19:15.279 --> 00:19:19.119
And if that's still too much, maybe I'm turning on the water.
00:19:19.359 --> 00:19:22.640
You can decide when your body's ready to step in.
00:19:23.119 --> 00:19:26.720
It's not permissive, it's strategic.
00:19:27.279 --> 00:19:33.759
The adult still has a direction, but the delivery reduces the threat.
00:19:34.079 --> 00:19:36.640
That distinction is very important.
00:19:38.880 --> 00:19:41.920
Now, a good accommodation is a bridge.
00:19:42.160 --> 00:19:47.119
It connects where the child is now with where we hope they can go.
00:19:47.920 --> 00:19:52.240
A bridge does not shame the child for being on one side.
00:19:52.960 --> 00:19:56.559
It also does not pretend the other side does not exist.
00:19:57.839 --> 00:20:03.920
For a child with sensory sensitivity, headphones can be a bridge into a noisy cafeteria.
00:20:04.319 --> 00:20:14.559
But if the cafeteria is unbearable even with headphones, maybe the next step is five minutes in the cafeteria and then a quieter eating space.
00:20:14.799 --> 00:20:22.240
Or maybe lunch in a quiet room is necessary for a season while the team works on regulation and recovery.
00:20:22.799 --> 00:20:29.119
For a child with writing difficulty, speech to text can be a bridge to expressing ideas.
00:20:29.440 --> 00:20:34.960
But we may still want to build handwriting or typing capacity where appropriate.
00:20:35.119 --> 00:20:41.759
Not because handwriting is morally superior, but because flexible tools create more independence.
00:20:42.400 --> 00:20:54.640
For a child with anxiety about presenting to the class, the bridge may be presenting to the teacher alone, and then to two peers, and then to a small group, and maybe eventually to the class.
00:20:54.880 --> 00:20:58.400
Or maybe public speaking is never their favorite thing.
00:20:58.559 --> 00:20:59.200
That's okay.
00:20:59.359 --> 00:21:01.039
A lot of people feel the same way.
00:21:01.200 --> 00:21:05.039
The goal is not to turn every child into a TED talk speaker.
00:21:05.279 --> 00:21:10.480
The goal is to prevent fear from becoming the architect of their life.
00:21:11.680 --> 00:21:29.440
For a child with school refusal, the bridge might be getting dressed, then driving to the parking lot, then walking to the office, then attending one preferred class, then building the resilience from there, slow progress is still progress.
00:21:30.799 --> 00:21:34.160
The key is that a bridge has direction.
00:21:34.799 --> 00:21:44.880
If an accommodation has no direction, no review, no skill building, and no question of what's coming next, it may become a permanent detour.
00:21:46.640 --> 00:21:50.160
Now, sometimes permanent accommodations are appropriate.
00:21:50.319 --> 00:21:54.000
We do not need to fade out every support.
00:21:54.640 --> 00:21:59.759
Glasses are an accommodation, and nobody says, hey, let's slowly reduce the lenses so.
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:03.599
That you build resilience for your eyes.
00:22:04.640 --> 00:22:08.720
Some supports simply allow access and those can stay.
00:22:09.039 --> 00:22:16.640
But other supports should be revisited because kids develop, kids grow, kids mature, kids change.
00:22:16.960 --> 00:22:21.039
Skills grow, nervous systems heal, context shift.
00:22:21.680 --> 00:22:26.960
What was necessary during crisis may become limiting later.
00:22:27.839 --> 00:22:31.680
So the question is not can we remove this support?
00:22:32.319 --> 00:22:40.960
The question is, is this support helping my child access life, or is it helping my child avoid life?
00:22:41.359 --> 00:22:43.759
That is the critical distinction.
00:22:44.799 --> 00:22:46.640
Now let's go to homework.
00:22:46.960 --> 00:22:50.000
A child comes home from school and they're already fried.
00:22:50.079 --> 00:22:57.039
They had to sit, listen, switch classes, manage noise, decode social rules, and just hold it together.
00:22:57.279 --> 00:23:01.200
And now the backpack opens, and there's the math.
00:23:01.680 --> 00:23:05.200
Child looks at the worksheet and says, I can't.
00:23:05.759 --> 00:23:08.880
The parent says, it's only 10 problems.
00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:26.319
And that word only should come with a warning label because only 10 problems to an overwhelmed child can often feel like, please climb this mountain using only a spoon.
00:23:27.119 --> 00:23:33.759
The child melts down, crumbles the paper, they say they're stupid, they say the teacher hates them, they say they don't care.
00:23:33.839 --> 00:23:38.000
Maybe they run to their room, maybe they yell, maybe they just shut down.
00:23:38.319 --> 00:23:40.480
Now the parent has choices.
00:23:41.039 --> 00:23:43.039
One option is to force.
00:23:43.680 --> 00:23:44.880
It's unacceptable.
00:23:44.960 --> 00:23:46.000
You're doing this now.
00:23:46.160 --> 00:23:47.039
No excuses.
00:23:47.200 --> 00:23:48.160
Let's go.
00:23:48.880 --> 00:23:55.920
Now that may produce compliance, but it may also produce shame, panic, or an all-out two-hour war.
00:23:56.720 --> 00:23:58.720
Another option is escape.
00:23:59.519 --> 00:24:00.799
Fine, forget it.
00:24:00.960 --> 00:24:04.160
I'll email the teacher and I'll just say you couldn't do it.
00:24:05.039 --> 00:24:16.720
Now, that may be appropriate occasionally, but if that becomes the default, the child may never learn how to approach hard work.
00:24:17.920 --> 00:24:21.759
The bridge might be let's not do 10 then.
00:24:21.839 --> 00:24:24.079
Let's just do the first one together.
00:24:24.480 --> 00:24:28.000
Or you write the answers, I'll read the problems.
00:24:28.240 --> 00:24:31.759
Or let's set a timer for five minutes and we'll stop when it rings.
00:24:31.920 --> 00:24:34.079
And make sure you follow through on that.
00:24:34.240 --> 00:24:39.359
If even if you're on a roll, if the child wants to stop when it rings, that was the deal, you have to stop.
00:24:39.599 --> 00:24:44.400
Or, you know, how about we circle the ones that you know and we'll ask for help on the rest?
00:24:45.039 --> 00:24:49.519
Or maybe we just say, you know what, your brain is clearly cooked.
00:24:49.680 --> 00:24:55.599
We'll take 20 minutes, let's eat something, and then let's come back and see if we can do a smaller version.
00:24:56.000 --> 00:24:58.559
That is support without surrender.
00:24:59.119 --> 00:25:03.440
See how the expectation is adjusted, but it's not erased.
00:25:03.839 --> 00:25:07.119
The child experiences success and not just escape.
00:25:07.359 --> 00:25:14.799
And success matters because the anxious brain needs evidence, not lectures.
00:25:15.039 --> 00:25:16.799
It needs evidence.
00:25:17.279 --> 00:25:19.759
Evidence says, you know what?
00:25:20.079 --> 00:25:23.440
I thought that I couldn't start, but I started.
00:25:24.240 --> 00:25:27.519
I thought I couldn't do any, but I did two.
00:25:28.400 --> 00:25:32.960
I thought I would panic forever, but I was able to calm down.
00:25:34.079 --> 00:25:38.319
This is exactly how your child's confidence is built.
00:25:38.640 --> 00:25:40.960
Tiny pieces of evidence.
00:25:41.920 --> 00:25:52.720
Now, we cannot talk about a child's avoidance without talking about the parent's nervous system, because avoidance is often contagious.
00:25:53.359 --> 00:25:59.039
The child avoids the demand while the parent avoids the meltdown.
00:25:59.359 --> 00:26:02.079
The school avoids the conflict.
00:26:02.319 --> 00:26:04.880
Everyone gets temporary relief.
00:26:05.359 --> 00:26:08.720
And as a result, that pattern strengthens.
00:26:09.279 --> 00:26:14.799
Parents are not doing this because they're lazy, they're doing it because they're exhausted.
00:26:15.440 --> 00:26:27.759
If you have lived through enough meltdowns, refusals, panic attacks, shutdowns, school calls, family judgment, and professional advice that does not work whatsoever in your actual kitchen.
00:26:28.000 --> 00:26:31.200
Your nervous system starts making predictions.
00:26:32.079 --> 00:26:35.680
If I ask him to shower, he's going to explode.
00:26:36.000 --> 00:26:39.119
If I bring up school, she's going to spiral.
00:26:39.359 --> 00:26:43.200
If I set the limit, we are going to lose the entire evening.
00:26:43.519 --> 00:26:46.559
If I push, it's just going to make it worse.
00:26:46.880 --> 00:26:51.680
So the parent starts walking on eggshells.
00:26:51.920 --> 00:26:59.119
They stop asking, they stop expecting, they stop inviting, they stop bringing up the hard thing.
00:26:59.359 --> 00:27:05.279
And at first, this looks like peace and harmony, but sometimes it is not peace.
00:27:05.519 --> 00:27:10.640
Sometimes it is a very quiet yet loud fear.
00:27:11.279 --> 00:27:13.440
And children feel that.
00:27:13.839 --> 00:27:22.640
A child may not consciously think, my parent is afraid of my reaction, but they sense the hesitation.
00:27:22.880 --> 00:27:25.440
They feel the adult flinch.
00:27:26.160 --> 00:27:32.880
They learn that their distress is powerful enough to shape the room.
00:27:33.519 --> 00:27:37.920
And that can actually make a child feel less safe.
00:27:39.519 --> 00:27:44.640
Look, kids need to know that adults are not going to bulldoze them.
00:27:45.279 --> 00:27:51.200
But they also need to know that adults are not afraid of them.
00:27:52.559 --> 00:28:03.839
The most regulating message that you can operate by is often I understand this is hard and I'm not scared of it.
00:28:05.039 --> 00:28:09.039
I understand this is hard and I'm not scared of it.
00:28:10.079 --> 00:28:12.640
It's not said exactly like that necessarily.
00:28:12.799 --> 00:28:15.519
So please don't stand in the hallway at 7 a.m.
00:28:15.680 --> 00:28:18.160
declaring, I am not scared of your nervous system.
00:28:18.319 --> 00:28:20.240
That's probably not going to land too well.
00:28:20.480 --> 00:28:25.839
But that is the posture, that is the mindset, the internal mindset.
00:28:26.319 --> 00:28:33.519
Warm, calm, steady, not forceful, and certainly not fragile.
00:28:35.759 --> 00:28:39.440
Avoidance does not always look like refusal.
00:28:39.839 --> 00:28:43.039
Sometimes avoidance looks like perfectionism.
00:28:43.759 --> 00:28:47.759
A child won't start because they can't do it perfectly.
00:28:48.000 --> 00:28:50.000
Sometimes it's going to look like anger.
00:28:50.079 --> 00:28:56.640
It's safer to yell, this is stupid, than to say, you know what, I feel embarrassed or ashamed.
00:28:57.119 --> 00:28:59.440
Sometimes it looks like silliness.
00:28:59.599 --> 00:29:07.039
The child becomes goofy, distracted, or disruptive right when the task or the demand gets hard.
00:29:07.519 --> 00:29:09.920
Sometimes it looks like fatigue.
00:29:10.240 --> 00:29:13.200
Sometimes they are too tired to do the thing, though.
00:29:13.359 --> 00:29:16.400
Somehow not too tired for a preferred activity.
00:29:16.799 --> 00:29:19.359
Sometimes it looks like negotiation.
00:29:19.680 --> 00:29:20.799
What if I do it later?
00:29:20.880 --> 00:29:22.000
What if I do half?
00:29:22.160 --> 00:29:23.200
What if I do it tomorrow?
00:29:23.359 --> 00:29:24.960
What if I do it in red pen?
00:29:25.599 --> 00:29:31.279
What if this assignment is actually optional because learning is nothing more than a social construct?
00:29:31.519 --> 00:29:34.480
Sometimes it looks like needing more information.
00:29:34.720 --> 00:29:36.319
What exactly are we doing?
00:29:36.480 --> 00:29:37.599
Who's going to be there?
00:29:37.839 --> 00:29:39.359
How long is this going to take?
00:29:39.599 --> 00:29:40.799
What if it rains?
00:29:40.960 --> 00:29:42.799
What if somebody asks me a question?
00:29:43.039 --> 00:29:45.519
What if the building smells weird?
00:29:46.160 --> 00:29:47.839
Sometimes those questions are legitimate.
00:29:48.000 --> 00:29:51.839
Kids, some kids absolutely need predictability.
00:29:52.319 --> 00:29:57.279
But sometimes the search for certainty just becomes another form of avoidance.
00:29:57.440 --> 00:30:04.079
The child wants a guarantee from you that nothing hard will happen before they agree to try.
00:30:06.000 --> 00:30:16.799
And sadly, life does not offer that guarantee, which is why we're trying to prepare the child for every possible scenario.
00:30:16.960 --> 00:30:23.039
So instead of promising nothing bad will happen, we can say, you know what?
00:30:23.599 --> 00:30:29.920
I don't know exactly how it will go, but I do know that we'll have a plan.
00:30:30.799 --> 00:30:36.960
That's a better promise, not certainty, but the plan is support.
00:30:38.480 --> 00:30:42.880
Now teachers see avoidance too, but they may call it refusal.
00:30:43.119 --> 00:30:48.079
They may say she refuses to write, and the parent says she's anxious.
00:30:48.319 --> 00:30:52.880
The teacher says he won't participate, and the parent says he's overwhelmed.
00:30:53.200 --> 00:30:58.319
The teacher says they put their head down every time we start independent work.
00:30:58.640 --> 00:31:01.680
The parent says, that sounds like shutdown.
00:31:02.000 --> 00:31:06.480
Everyone may be describing the same event just from a different angle.
00:31:06.880 --> 00:31:10.400
This is where we really need shared language.
00:31:11.119 --> 00:31:16.240
Instead of arguing over labels, try mapping the sequence.
00:31:16.960 --> 00:31:18.640
What was the task?
00:31:19.039 --> 00:31:20.880
How was it presented?
00:31:21.440 --> 00:31:24.960
What happened in the child's body or behavior?
00:31:25.279 --> 00:31:27.119
What did the adults do?
00:31:27.599 --> 00:31:28.960
What helped?
00:31:29.200 --> 00:31:30.880
What made it worse?
00:31:31.279 --> 00:31:34.079
What happened after the child avoided?
00:31:34.319 --> 00:31:36.319
Did they escape the task completely?
00:31:36.480 --> 00:31:38.319
Did they get support in return?
00:31:38.559 --> 00:31:40.799
Did the adult reduce the demand?
00:31:41.039 --> 00:31:42.640
Did the child repair?
00:31:43.599 --> 00:31:46.559
Did the plan build toward next time?
00:31:47.440 --> 00:31:50.720
Schools often need to manage the immediate behavior.
00:31:50.799 --> 00:31:52.319
It's understandable, it's very real.
00:31:52.480 --> 00:31:57.839
A teacher cannot stop the entire class every time one student refuses.
00:31:59.039 --> 00:32:06.160
But if the response is always removal without re-entry, the child may learn that avoidance works.
00:32:06.559 --> 00:32:11.119
If the response is always pressure without support, the child may escalate.
00:32:11.839 --> 00:32:15.359
The goal is planned support and planned return.
00:32:15.759 --> 00:32:21.200
For example, the child may take a break, but the break has a structure.
00:32:21.440 --> 00:32:22.400
Where do they go?
00:32:22.640 --> 00:32:23.279
How long?
00:32:23.519 --> 00:32:25.759
What do they do when they're there to regulate?
00:32:25.920 --> 00:32:27.359
How do they return?
00:32:27.599 --> 00:32:31.039
What part of the task will they complete once they return?
00:32:31.279 --> 00:32:32.640
Who checks in?
00:32:33.200 --> 00:32:39.359
Without those questions being answered, take a break can become escape every demand.
00:32:39.599 --> 00:32:41.519
Again, breaks are not bad.
00:32:41.680 --> 00:32:50.400
Breaks are essential for many kids, but a break should help the child come back to life, not just disappear from it.
00:32:50.480 --> 00:32:53.359
A break has to be more of a boomerang effect.
00:32:54.960 --> 00:32:58.880
Let's make the distinction really clear here.
00:32:59.440 --> 00:33:05.680
Support says this is hard, so we're gonna make it more doable.
00:33:06.480 --> 00:33:10.400
Escape says this is hard, so we're gonna make it go away.
00:33:11.359 --> 00:33:14.640
Support says you don't have to do this alone.
00:33:15.119 --> 00:33:18.720
Escape says you don't have to face this at all.
00:33:19.839 --> 00:33:23.359
Support says, let's reduce the threat.
00:33:24.079 --> 00:33:27.519
Escape says, let's remove the demand.
00:33:28.720 --> 00:33:31.119
Support builds confidence.
00:33:31.759 --> 00:33:33.839
Escape gives relief.
00:33:34.000 --> 00:33:36.400
And again, relief is not bad.
00:33:36.559 --> 00:33:42.720
Sometimes relief is necessary, but only relief is the problem.
00:33:42.960 --> 00:33:46.559
Relief cannot be the entire plan.
00:33:48.160 --> 00:34:00.240
If every intervention ends with the child avoiding the hard thing completely, the child may and often will become more anxious over time, not less.
00:34:01.359 --> 00:34:12.719
If every intervention ends with the child being pushed past capacity, the child may become more dysregulated over time, not stronger.
00:34:13.599 --> 00:34:18.719
The sweet spot is supported stretch.
00:34:19.360 --> 00:34:24.320
Not flooding, not avoidance, supported stretch.
00:34:25.440 --> 00:34:28.960
A step that is uncomfortable but doable.
00:34:29.760 --> 00:34:37.039
A step that says, I can try this and I can still be safe.
00:34:37.679 --> 00:34:40.400
That is where growth happens.
00:34:41.440 --> 00:34:48.239
Let's talk about showering because hygiene can become a whole saga for some families.
00:34:48.559 --> 00:34:51.199
A parent says, You need to shower.
00:34:51.519 --> 00:34:53.599
Child says, No.
00:34:54.239 --> 00:34:57.280
Parent says, You haven't showered in three days.
00:34:57.599 --> 00:34:59.679
Child says, I don't care.
00:35:00.400 --> 00:35:03.360
The parent says, other people care.
00:35:04.079 --> 00:35:08.480
The child says, Well, then they can just stop smelling me.
00:35:09.360 --> 00:35:12.320
Now we are not in a hygiene conversation.
00:35:12.559 --> 00:35:16.960
We are in a hostage negotiation involving shampoo.
00:35:17.440 --> 00:35:22.000
For some neurodivergent kids, showering is genuinely hard.
00:35:22.159 --> 00:35:23.360
The transition is hard.
00:35:23.519 --> 00:35:25.119
The water feels wrong.
00:35:25.280 --> 00:35:26.639
The sound is too loud.
00:35:26.719 --> 00:35:28.320
The temperature is unpredictable.
00:35:28.400 --> 00:35:30.320
The towel feels bad.
00:35:30.559 --> 00:35:32.079
Wet hair is awful.
00:35:32.320 --> 00:35:38.320
Getting out is worse than getting in, and the whole thing is just one big sensory obstacle course.
00:35:38.559 --> 00:35:42.960
So just take a shower may be too blunt.
00:35:44.079 --> 00:35:48.159
But never showering is not the plan either.
00:35:48.480 --> 00:35:54.239
The bridge, remember the bridge, might be bath instead of shower.
00:35:54.880 --> 00:36:17.199
Shower chair, different shower or shower head, warm towel, preferred soap, visual checklist, waterproof Bluetooth speaker with favorite playlist of video game soundtracks playing when the child's in the shower, goggles or a swim mask over the face.
00:36:17.440 --> 00:36:23.440
Not only for fun, but for sensory overload with water splashing in the eyes.
00:36:23.599 --> 00:36:31.840
A parent nearby, washing the hair separately, wearing a bathing suit inside the shower if that helps.
00:36:32.079 --> 00:36:34.960
Body rinse only tonight, maybe hair tomorrow.
00:36:35.119 --> 00:36:38.480
Start with turning on the water, then step in for 30 seconds.
00:36:38.639 --> 00:36:39.920
Then we build.
00:36:40.159 --> 00:36:43.280
The goal is not to win the shower battle through dominance.
00:36:43.360 --> 00:36:46.400
The goal is hygiene independence over time.
00:36:47.199 --> 00:36:58.800
Now that may require creativity, patience, reducing sensory overload or even sensory pain, but it still has direction because bodies need care.
00:36:59.679 --> 00:37:06.320
Avoiding body care indefinitely is not compassion, it's a shrinking life.
00:37:09.039 --> 00:37:14.400
One fear parents have is that accommodations lower expectations.
00:37:15.280 --> 00:37:18.400
And they can if they're used poorly.
00:37:18.719 --> 00:37:22.800
But good accommodations do not lower the goal.
00:37:23.119 --> 00:37:26.159
What they do is they change the access point.
00:37:27.599 --> 00:37:32.639
A ramp does not lower the expectation that someone enters the building.
00:37:32.880 --> 00:37:35.039
It makes entry possible.
00:37:36.239 --> 00:37:47.840
For good accommodations for a neurodivergent kid, we might say, you still need to learn, but we can reduce unnecessary writing.
00:37:48.159 --> 00:37:52.719
You still need to communicate, but you can use a script or a device.
00:37:53.039 --> 00:37:57.840
You still need to participate, but maybe not in the loudest setting.
00:37:58.400 --> 00:38:04.239
You still need to repair harm, but we will help you understand what happened.
00:38:04.719 --> 00:38:11.760
You still need to build independence, but we are going to break these tasks down for you into manageable steps.
00:38:12.800 --> 00:38:20.000
You still need to attend school, but the plan to return back to school may be gradual.
00:38:20.400 --> 00:38:27.440
You still need to care for your body, but we are going to adapt the sensory load and the sensory environment.
00:38:28.239 --> 00:38:30.400
This is not lowering expectation.
00:38:30.480 --> 00:38:34.719
This is matching support to the individual nervous system.
00:38:35.519 --> 00:38:39.840
The danger comes when adults stop expecting growth.
00:38:40.480 --> 00:38:51.440
When we say this is hard for him, and quietly add, so he will never have to, that is different.
00:38:52.719 --> 00:38:58.559
A diagnosis explains, it does not erase the future.
00:38:59.679 --> 00:39:02.239
A nervous system difference matters.
00:39:02.320 --> 00:39:06.159
It does not mean the child is finished developing.
00:39:07.280 --> 00:39:10.159
Kids certainly deserve more hope than that.
00:39:12.559 --> 00:39:15.039
But what if they really can't?
00:39:15.599 --> 00:39:15.920
Right?
00:39:16.079 --> 00:39:20.000
Sometimes they really can't, and we need to leave room for that.
00:39:20.800 --> 00:39:33.360
There are seasons of the year when a child may be in burnout, crisis, depression, acute anxiety, medical instability, having a trauma response or severely dysregulated.
00:39:34.079 --> 00:39:37.920
During those times, capacity building may look very different.
00:39:38.239 --> 00:39:48.239
The first step may be rest, safety, connection, medical care, therapy, reduced demands, or major environmental change.
00:39:49.119 --> 00:39:54.000
But we should not confuse emergency stabilization with avoidance.
00:39:55.119 --> 00:40:01.760
If a child has a broken leg, the goal is not to make them run laps for resilience.
00:40:02.320 --> 00:40:10.639
If a child's nervous system is truly overloaded, sometimes the demand has to be removed for a while.
00:40:11.519 --> 00:40:19.599
The problem is when short-term stabilization becomes a long-term lifestyle without any reassessment.
00:40:20.719 --> 00:40:25.519
So we ask: is this a crisis plan or a growth plan?
00:40:26.400 --> 00:40:29.199
Both may be needed at different times.
00:40:29.440 --> 00:40:33.760
A crisis plan reduces demand so the child can recover.
00:40:34.239 --> 00:40:37.840
A growth plan gradually rebuilds capacity.
00:40:39.119 --> 00:40:45.199
Trouble starts when we use a crisis plan for too long, sometimes for years.
00:40:45.599 --> 00:40:51.440
This is how a child's world and a family's world gets smaller.
00:40:54.079 --> 00:40:59.920
Now, here's a helpful way for you as a parent to talk to a child in these moments.
00:41:01.039 --> 00:41:07.519
I believe this feels hard, and I'm not going to force you through it alone.
00:41:08.639 --> 00:41:13.679
But I'm also not going to let fear make your world smaller.
00:41:14.159 --> 00:41:17.679
We're going to find the next small step together.
00:41:18.480 --> 00:41:27.039
Now that may be too many words for your child or a child in distress, so shorten it as needed in the moment.
00:41:27.920 --> 00:41:31.199
I believe you, small step.
00:41:31.760 --> 00:41:37.039
Or we're not doing all of it, we're doing the first piece.
00:41:37.599 --> 00:41:40.079
Or I'll help you start.
00:41:40.960 --> 00:41:46.400
Or you can be upset and still take one step.
00:41:47.360 --> 00:41:48.960
That last one is powerful.
00:41:49.280 --> 00:41:53.679
You can be upset and still take one step.
00:41:54.559 --> 00:42:03.039
Because many kids begin to believe that they have to feel completely calm before they start doing something, before they act.
00:42:03.519 --> 00:42:07.440
Sometimes we act gently first and then calm follows later.
00:42:07.679 --> 00:42:09.519
Not always, but often.
00:42:10.400 --> 00:42:12.960
The step has to be sized right.
00:42:13.199 --> 00:42:15.760
Too big, and the child learns panic.
00:42:16.000 --> 00:42:18.639
Too small, and there's no growth.
00:42:18.960 --> 00:42:22.480
Just right, and the child learns capacity.
00:42:22.880 --> 00:42:24.159
This is the art.
00:42:24.559 --> 00:42:26.880
And yes, it is hard.
00:42:27.840 --> 00:42:35.679
If it were easy, there would not be hundreds of maybe thousands of parenting accounts making reels about it.
00:42:39.119 --> 00:42:41.760
Now, progress may not look impressive.
00:42:41.920 --> 00:42:48.719
It may look like a child who used to miss the whole school day, now making it to the parking lot.
00:42:48.960 --> 00:42:54.880
It may look like a child who refused all writing and now is typing three sentences.
00:42:55.199 --> 00:43:03.039
It may look like a child who avoided every party who is now staying at parties for 25 minutes.
00:43:03.599 --> 00:43:09.760
It may look like a child who screamed during every shower is now washing their body twice a week.
00:43:10.480 --> 00:43:17.039
May look like a child who could not apologize and is now handing over a handwritten repair note.
00:43:17.920 --> 00:43:24.480
It may look like a child who used to bolt from class but is now using a break card and then coming back.
00:43:25.280 --> 00:43:32.320
It may look like a parent who used to panic, who is now staying steady for two extra minutes.
00:43:32.800 --> 00:43:36.559
All of those are wonderful and they're important and they all count.
00:43:36.880 --> 00:43:46.159
We need to respect tiny progress because nervous systems often change through repetition, not through lectures or speeches.
00:43:47.280 --> 00:43:58.639
The child needs repeated experiences I tried, it was hard, I had support, I survived.
00:43:59.039 --> 00:43:59.760
Maybe I can.
00:44:00.239 --> 00:44:02.000
Do a little more next time.
00:44:03.199 --> 00:44:05.679
That is the opposite of shame.
00:44:06.159 --> 00:44:09.440
That is science-informed growth.
00:44:10.480 --> 00:44:17.760
Now, before we close, I do want to speak to any parent who's listening saying, okay, this is exactly where we're stuck.
00:44:17.920 --> 00:44:23.760
I don't know when to push, when to pause, when to accommodate, or when I'm accidentally reinforcing avoidance.
00:44:23.920 --> 00:44:28.559
If that's you, I want you to know you don't have to figure it out on your own.
00:44:29.119 --> 00:44:48.800
If and when you're ready for ongoing neurodivergent support, the Neurodivergent Parenting Collective was created for parents who want practical tools and clarity and a space where you can learn about your child and how to support and help them without having to feel like you have to defend yourself in the process.
00:44:50.000 --> 00:45:06.239
You're able to send direct messages to me every month to get specific questions answered and get together with a group of parents once a week with me in a live stream where we can talk about things that are going on and get some of your questions answered.
00:45:06.480 --> 00:45:09.360
You can find more information in the episode description.
00:45:09.599 --> 00:45:12.000
You're welcome to explore it at your own pace.
00:45:12.079 --> 00:45:22.159
It's a volume of information available for you if you're interested, because you deserve the support that actually reflects what you're living day to day.
00:45:22.800 --> 00:45:24.800
So here's the wake-up call.
00:45:25.119 --> 00:45:27.440
Accommodations are not excuses.
00:45:28.480 --> 00:45:30.960
Support is not weakness.
00:45:32.000 --> 00:45:35.760
Understanding the nervous system is not permissiveness.
00:45:36.719 --> 00:45:46.559
But compassion without capacity building can accidentally shrink a child's life and ultimately your entire family's life.
00:45:46.960 --> 00:45:52.639
And pressure without support can damage trust and increase fear.
00:45:53.519 --> 00:45:58.480
So the sweet spot where we want to do the work is in the middle.
00:45:59.199 --> 00:46:04.400
Not force, not avoidance, supported growth.
00:46:05.280 --> 00:46:09.840
We ask, what is the smallest step toward capacity?
00:46:10.719 --> 00:46:14.159
We ask, what support makes this doable?
00:46:15.280 --> 00:46:20.559
We ask, is this accommodation a bridge or a wall?
00:46:21.519 --> 00:46:28.480
We ask, are we protecting the child from harm or protecting them from growth?
00:46:29.199 --> 00:46:34.239
And we ask those questions with humility because this is not simple.
00:46:35.280 --> 00:46:38.639
There will be days when backing off is wise.
00:46:39.920 --> 00:46:43.920
There will be days when holding the line is loving.
00:46:44.800 --> 00:46:51.760
And there will be days when the next step is obvious, and days when everyone is guessing.
00:46:52.559 --> 00:46:54.159
That is parenting.
00:46:54.800 --> 00:46:57.679
That's especially neurodivergent parenting.
00:46:57.920 --> 00:47:05.440
But remember this your child is not bad because something is hard.
00:47:05.679 --> 00:47:09.840
Your child is not broken because they need support.
00:47:10.239 --> 00:47:14.480
And your child is not incapable just because they can't do it yet.
00:47:15.119 --> 00:47:17.280
Yet is a powerful word.
00:47:18.320 --> 00:47:24.880
They may need time, they may need scaffolding, they may need a different path.
00:47:25.519 --> 00:47:31.360
They may need adults who understand the nervous system instead of just shaming the behavior.
00:47:31.840 --> 00:47:36.480
But they also need adults who believe their world can grow.
00:47:38.079 --> 00:47:47.920
So this has been episode five of the Kids Pressure and Modern Parenting Panic series of Beneath the Behavior podcast.
00:47:48.239 --> 00:47:59.440
Next time, we may, we'll see, we may talk about the myth of the happy kid and why trying to keep children happy all the time may be making them less resilient.
00:47:59.679 --> 00:48:00.800
Something to think about.
00:48:00.960 --> 00:48:04.639
But for now, let's keep looking beneath behavior.
00:48:05.119 --> 00:48:15.840
Stay curious, stay steady, and remember a good support does not simply help a child avoid the hard thing.
00:48:16.719 --> 00:48:25.840
A good support helps the child discover little by little that hard things can become possible.
00:48:27.119 --> 00:48:28.880
Let's keep going together.
00:00:00.959 --> 00:00:02.319
Hi, I'm Dr.
00:00:02.399 --> 00:00:03.359
Mark Bowers.
00:00:03.520 --> 00:00:09.599
I'm a licensed pediatric psychologist and I specialize in working with neurodivergent kids and their families.
00:00:09.919 --> 00:00:18.320
This podcast is for parents and caregivers who feel like parenting has been harder than they expected and who want understanding instead of blame.
00:00:18.719 --> 00:00:33.119
Here, we slow things down so that we can look beneath behavior and make sense of what's actually going on from a brain and nervous system perspective as we support neurodivergent kids with science, not shame.
00:00:33.600 --> 00:00:38.399
Before we get started, a quick note this podcast is for education and understanding.
00:00:38.560 --> 00:00:42.880
It isn't therapy, and it isn't a substitute for working with your own provider.
00:00:43.119 --> 00:00:51.280
I won't be giving individual advice, but I hope these conversations can help you think more clearly and compassionately about your child.
00:00:51.520 --> 00:00:57.039
In today's episode, we're talking about one of the hardest questions in neurodivergent parenting.
00:00:57.439 --> 00:01:03.840
Am I supporting my child or am I accidentally helping their world get smaller?
00:01:04.480 --> 00:01:11.040
Now that question can feel brutal because no loving parent wants to push a child who is truly overwhelmed.
00:01:11.439 --> 00:01:26.719
No parent wants to ignore anxiety, sensory overload, autistic burnout, ADHD task paralysis, PDA-related demand avoidance, trauma, depression, or a nervous system that is already running too hot.
00:01:27.359 --> 00:01:47.439
At the same time, no parent wants to wake up one day and realize their child can no longer tolerate school, chores, showers, leaving the house, family events, homework, social situations, restaurants, appointments, or anything that creates even a little discomfort.
00:01:47.760 --> 00:01:49.840
So where is the line?
00:01:50.719 --> 00:01:54.239
When is an accommodation truly supportive?
00:01:54.560 --> 00:01:58.799
And when does support quietly become avoidance?
00:01:59.120 --> 00:02:01.519
That's what we're talking about today.
00:02:01.760 --> 00:02:05.200
And I want to say this carefully right from the start.
00:02:05.519 --> 00:02:08.560
Accommodations are not the problem.
00:02:09.599 --> 00:02:13.599
Good accommodations can change a child's life.
00:02:13.840 --> 00:02:15.840
They can protect dignity.
00:02:16.080 --> 00:02:19.039
They can reduce unnecessary suffering.
00:02:19.360 --> 00:02:28.479
They can help a child access learning, relationships, and daily life in ways that actually fit their brain and nervous system.
00:02:29.360 --> 00:02:33.360
A child who needs noise reduction is not being spoiled.
00:02:33.680 --> 00:02:37.599
A child who needs movement breaks is not being lazy.
00:02:37.840 --> 00:02:41.360
A child who needs visual supports is not being difficult.
00:02:42.159 --> 00:02:47.439
A child who needs extra processing time is not manipulating adults.
00:02:47.680 --> 00:02:53.280
And a child who needs a modified assignment may still be working very hard.
00:02:53.919 --> 00:03:02.560
Accommodations can be ramps, but sometimes without meaning to, adults start building walls.
00:03:02.879 --> 00:03:05.759
And that is the distinction.
00:03:07.280 --> 00:03:11.360
A ramp helps a child access something hard.
00:03:11.840 --> 00:03:15.759
A wall keeps the hard thing away forever.
00:03:16.719 --> 00:03:19.599
Sometimes a wall is necessary in the short term.
00:03:19.919 --> 00:03:28.960
If a child is in crisis, burned out, panicking, shutting down, or unsafe, the first job is stabilization.
00:03:29.599 --> 00:03:35.039
You don't build resilience by throwing a drowning child into deeper water.
00:03:35.840 --> 00:03:44.240
But once the child is safer, calmer, and more regulated, we have to ask a second question.
00:03:44.960 --> 00:03:47.840
How do we help them regain capacity?
00:03:48.639 --> 00:03:58.719
Because support should not only reduce distress, over time, support should help a child build a life.
00:04:00.639 --> 00:04:06.960
Let's start with parents because parents are usually the ones standing in the kitchen at 7 14 a.m.
00:04:07.280 --> 00:04:12.080
trying to decide whether to hold the line or cancel the entire day.
00:04:12.479 --> 00:04:16.000
Your child says, I can't go to school.
00:04:16.399 --> 00:04:23.199
Not I don't want to, not school is boring, not can I stay home?
00:04:23.600 --> 00:04:26.480
No, they say I can't.
00:04:26.959 --> 00:04:41.839
And maybe they look awful, pale, panicked, angry, shut down, tearful, frozen, curled under a blanket, or moving through the house like a raccoon who has seen combat.
00:04:42.800 --> 00:04:59.839
You've seen what happens when you push, the yelling, the tears, the stomach aches, the refusal to get dressed, the child in the car who will not unbuckle, the walk from the parking lot that feels like you are escorting someone into a courtroom.
00:05:00.480 --> 00:05:04.639
So you think maybe today is not the day.
00:05:04.879 --> 00:05:08.639
And sometimes that is exactly right.
00:05:09.360 --> 00:05:12.560
Sometimes the nervous system is done.
00:05:13.040 --> 00:05:18.639
Sometimes a child genuinely cannot access the skill in that moment.
00:05:19.519 --> 00:05:23.600
And sometimes pushing harder will make things worse.
00:05:24.399 --> 00:05:28.560
But then tomorrow comes and the next day.
00:05:28.800 --> 00:05:34.399
And now the child has missed three days or six days or two weeks.
00:05:34.879 --> 00:05:36.800
The school is now emailing.
00:05:37.040 --> 00:05:38.480
You feel judged.
00:05:39.199 --> 00:05:41.120
Your child falls behind.
00:05:41.600 --> 00:05:44.319
The return feels even bigger.
00:05:44.959 --> 00:05:50.560
The mountain got taller while everyone was trying to avoid climbing it.
00:05:51.360 --> 00:05:53.839
That is the avoidance trap.
00:05:55.040 --> 00:06:01.839
Avoidance works beautifully in the short term, and that's why it's so sticky.
00:06:02.959 --> 00:06:08.240
If I avoid the thing that scares me, I feel relief.
00:06:09.680 --> 00:06:13.920
If I stay home from school, anxiety drops.
00:06:14.480 --> 00:06:18.160
If I skip the assignment, shame drops.
00:06:18.480 --> 00:06:22.000
If I don't go to the birthday party, social pressure drops.
00:06:22.240 --> 00:06:26.000
If I don't shower, sensory discomfort drops.
00:06:26.480 --> 00:06:30.720
If I don't start the chore, task overwhelm drops.
00:06:31.360 --> 00:06:33.040
Relief is powerful.
00:06:33.600 --> 00:06:38.240
Relief teaches the brain, good choice, do that again.
00:06:39.120 --> 00:06:45.680
The problem is that avoidance often makes the feared thing much bigger the next time.
00:06:49.839 --> 00:06:54.319
It's because the nervous system learns through experience.
00:06:55.439 --> 00:07:03.920
If every exposure to discomfort ends in escape, the brain does not learn I can handle this.
00:07:04.879 --> 00:07:12.319
Instead, the brain learns that was dangerous and escaping saved me.
00:07:13.360 --> 00:07:16.560
That is not a moral failure, that is conditioning.
00:07:16.879 --> 00:07:24.319
And if we understand that, we can stop shaming the child and start designing better support.
00:07:26.319 --> 00:07:32.319
Now, parents of neurodivergent kids often live inside impossible choices.
00:07:33.040 --> 00:07:41.279
Push too hard and the child may melt down, shut down, lose trust, or become more anxious.
00:07:41.920 --> 00:07:46.079
Back off too much, and the child's world may shrink.
00:07:46.879 --> 00:07:49.680
School says he needs to attend.
00:07:50.240 --> 00:07:52.720
The child says, I can't.
00:07:53.680 --> 00:08:03.439
The parent says, I have a job, a meeting, two other children, and I have not had a peaceful cup of coffee since 2016.
00:08:04.800 --> 00:08:10.000
Then someone online says, just validate their feelings.
00:08:10.639 --> 00:08:11.680
Thank you, internet.
00:08:12.000 --> 00:08:13.199
Very helpful.
00:08:13.439 --> 00:08:29.199
Of course we validate feelings, but validation alone does not solve the morning when one shoe is on, one shoe is missing, the child's under the table, and the school attendance office is calling you like a debt collector.
00:08:29.920 --> 00:08:32.480
Parents are told to accommodate.
00:08:33.440 --> 00:08:36.399
Then they are told not to enable.
00:08:37.120 --> 00:08:39.519
They are told to be compassionate.
00:08:39.919 --> 00:08:42.960
And then they are told to build resilience.
00:08:43.919 --> 00:08:47.039
Parents are told behavior is communication.
00:08:47.279 --> 00:08:48.960
I say it all the time.
00:08:49.279 --> 00:08:52.639
But then they are told the behavior cannot continue.
00:08:53.360 --> 00:08:56.639
They are told not to traumatize the child.
00:08:57.120 --> 00:09:00.720
And then they are told the child has to learn.
00:09:01.440 --> 00:09:06.639
All of those things can be true, which is what makes this so hard.
00:09:07.120 --> 00:09:13.039
The middle path is not simple, but it starts with asking better questions.
00:09:14.080 --> 00:09:17.200
Not do we push or do we accommodate?
00:09:17.600 --> 00:09:19.519
That question is too blunt.
00:09:20.159 --> 00:09:27.679
The better question is what is the smallest supported step toward capacity?
00:09:28.559 --> 00:09:31.759
That question changes the whole conversation.
00:09:34.720 --> 00:09:41.679
Now, one mistake adults make is getting stuck in the can't versus won't debate.
00:09:42.960 --> 00:09:45.919
Is the child refusing because they won't?
00:09:46.240 --> 00:09:49.600
Or are they unable because they can't?
00:09:50.080 --> 00:09:52.799
Now this debate can become a black hole.
00:09:53.360 --> 00:09:58.080
Parents will say he can't, teachers will say he won't.
00:09:58.480 --> 00:10:00.879
The child will say, I don't know.
00:10:01.519 --> 00:10:03.919
And everybody loses an afternoon.
00:10:04.399 --> 00:10:07.200
The truth is often more complicated.
00:10:07.840 --> 00:10:22.879
Many neurodivergent kids live in the land of can't yet, can with support, can sometimes, or can in one setting but not another.
00:10:23.840 --> 00:10:28.879
A child may be able to write three paragraphs at home but freeze at school.
00:10:29.120 --> 00:10:34.240
A child may tolerate the cafeteria on Monday and fall apart on Friday.
00:10:34.559 --> 00:10:39.039
A child may shower after swimming, but not before school.
00:10:39.600 --> 00:10:44.000
A child may do math with a trusted adult, but not independently.
00:10:44.320 --> 00:10:52.080
A child may speak confidently about dinosaurs for 47 minutes, but be unable to ask a classmate to join a game.
00:10:52.399 --> 00:11:09.519
A child may look capable because they are bright, verbal, funny, or articulate, but still have real lagging skills in initiation, flexibility, emotional regulation, interoception, sensory processing, or recovery after stress.
00:11:10.480 --> 00:11:19.519
So instead of arguing about can't versus won't, try asking what makes this possible sometimes?
00:11:20.480 --> 00:11:23.919
What makes it impossible other times?
00:11:24.559 --> 00:11:27.440
What support changes the outcome?
00:11:28.480 --> 00:11:32.399
What is the demand actually demanding?
00:11:33.039 --> 00:11:35.120
Now that last one's very important.
00:11:36.000 --> 00:11:38.960
A simple task may not be simple.
00:11:39.519 --> 00:11:43.279
Get ready for school is not one task.
00:11:43.600 --> 00:11:49.360
It's actually a 37-step executive functioning obstacle course with socks.
00:11:50.240 --> 00:12:03.360
Start your homework involves shifting attention, tolerating imperfection, remembering instructions, finding materials, managing frustration, and accepting that free time is over.
00:12:04.240 --> 00:12:17.039
Go to the party might involve noise, unpredictable peers, social performance, food uncertainty, greetings, goodbyes, and the possibility that someone will say, Want to play?
00:12:17.200 --> 00:12:22.320
And now your child has to know what their face is doing.
00:12:23.919 --> 00:12:28.720
Some kids are not avoiding the thing we think they are avoiding.
00:12:29.360 --> 00:12:32.799
They are avoiding the pile up underneath.
00:12:34.720 --> 00:12:37.440
So let's talk about the birthday party.
00:12:37.679 --> 00:12:39.919
Your child is invited to a party.
00:12:40.159 --> 00:12:45.200
Maybe it's at a trampoline park, which is basically a sensory blender with socks.
00:12:45.440 --> 00:12:46.879
Maybe it's at somebody's house.
00:12:46.960 --> 00:12:56.159
Maybe it's bowling, laser tag, an arcade, a pool, or one of those indoor play places where the noise level makes adults reconsider their life choices.
00:12:56.480 --> 00:12:59.679
At first, your child says they want to go.
00:12:59.840 --> 00:13:01.200
And then the day arrives.
00:13:01.440 --> 00:13:02.879
Suddenly, they don't.
00:13:03.120 --> 00:13:04.559
Their stomach hurts.
00:13:04.720 --> 00:13:06.320
The shirt feels wrong.
00:13:06.559 --> 00:13:08.399
They don't know where their shoes are.
00:13:08.639 --> 00:13:10.399
They ask who will be there.
00:13:10.559 --> 00:13:12.799
They ask what food will be served.
00:13:13.039 --> 00:13:15.279
They ask what time you're leaving.
00:13:15.519 --> 00:13:17.840
They ask if they can just skip it.
00:13:18.480 --> 00:13:24.480
They say, I don't even like him anyway, even though yesterday this child was their best friend.
00:13:24.799 --> 00:13:26.480
And now you have a decision.
00:13:26.720 --> 00:13:28.240
Do you make them go?
00:13:28.559 --> 00:13:30.639
Do you let them stay home?
00:13:31.120 --> 00:13:34.080
Do you say you committed, so we're going?
00:13:34.960 --> 00:13:38.879
Do you say your body is telling you no?
00:13:39.840 --> 00:13:42.480
This is where nuance matters.
00:13:42.799 --> 00:13:50.879
If the child is truly overwhelmed, forcing them into the party and leaving them to survive may backfire.
00:13:51.279 --> 00:13:59.200
But automatically skipping every party can also teach the child that social uncertainty is unmanageable.
00:14:00.240 --> 00:14:03.360
The middle pathway might sound like this.
00:14:04.159 --> 00:14:06.720
We're going to go for 20 minutes.
00:14:07.279 --> 00:14:10.080
You don't have to jump on the trampolines right away.
00:14:10.240 --> 00:14:11.679
We'll bring your headphones.
00:14:11.919 --> 00:14:14.080
You can stay near me at first.
00:14:14.320 --> 00:14:16.240
I'll hang out for a while.
00:14:16.480 --> 00:14:21.440
We'll say happy birthday and then we'll reassess and see if you want to stay or go.
00:14:22.399 --> 00:14:25.440
That is an accommodation that builds capacity.
00:14:26.399 --> 00:14:28.559
You did not say, Well, that's too bad.
00:14:28.720 --> 00:14:29.679
Get in there.
00:14:30.240 --> 00:14:34.799
You also did not say, Never mind, there's social discomfort here.
00:14:34.879 --> 00:14:36.720
That means we stay home.
00:14:36.960 --> 00:14:40.399
What you did is you created a small supported step.
00:14:40.639 --> 00:14:43.600
And maybe after those 20 minutes, the child is done.
00:14:43.919 --> 00:14:44.559
Fine.
00:14:45.039 --> 00:14:49.759
You paid your respects, you made your appearance, you can leave respectfully.
00:14:50.000 --> 00:14:52.879
But maybe after 20 minutes they join in.
00:14:53.440 --> 00:14:58.720
Maybe they never love trampoline parks, which honestly is reasonable.
00:14:58.960 --> 00:15:02.480
You know, some places feel like being inside a migraine headache.
00:15:02.720 --> 00:15:07.360
The goal is not to make every child tolerate every environment.
00:15:07.679 --> 00:15:09.840
The goal is to help the child learn.
00:15:10.000 --> 00:15:12.559
I can approach hard things with support.
00:15:12.960 --> 00:15:20.879
I can be present without even having to fully participate if it's not something I like, but maybe I just want to spend time with the people there.
00:15:21.039 --> 00:15:25.519
I can try without being trapped, and I can leave if I truly need to.
00:15:26.000 --> 00:15:29.679
But I do not have to flee before I've even started.
00:15:30.960 --> 00:15:33.360
This is capacity building.
00:15:34.480 --> 00:15:38.159
This is the formula for life success.
00:15:39.279 --> 00:15:46.480
Now let's talk about PDA-related issues because this is where the conversation can get especially intense.
00:15:47.759 --> 00:16:00.559
PDA is often described as a profile involving extreme demand avoidance, commonly discussed within autism communities, where everyday demands can trigger a threat response.
00:16:01.039 --> 00:16:11.279
Now, whether a family uses the term PDA or demand avoidance, nervous system threat response or something else, many parents know the pattern.
00:16:20.159 --> 00:16:29.600
Get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, start schoolwork, leave the house, accept help, choose between options.
00:16:30.159 --> 00:16:36.159
Even fun can become a demand once it has an expectation attached.
00:16:36.399 --> 00:16:39.200
A parent says, Do you want to go to the park?
00:16:39.440 --> 00:16:41.200
The child says yes.
00:16:41.519 --> 00:16:44.320
The parent says, Okay, get your shoes.
00:16:44.799 --> 00:16:47.440
Suddenly the park is dead to them.
00:16:48.159 --> 00:16:56.240
And this can look irrational from the outside, can look like defiance, control, manipulation, or oppositional behavior.
00:16:56.480 --> 00:17:01.360
But for many of these kids, demands can register as a threat.
00:17:02.080 --> 00:17:04.960
Their nervous system hears you must.
00:17:05.279 --> 00:17:09.920
And then it responds with fight, flight, freeze, or collapse.
00:17:10.319 --> 00:17:15.839
So standard behavioral strategies can and often do backfire.
00:17:16.880 --> 00:17:20.240
As a result, rewards can feel like pressure.
00:17:20.559 --> 00:17:22.880
Consequences can escalate.
00:17:23.279 --> 00:17:26.319
Direct instructions can trigger refusal.
00:17:26.880 --> 00:17:31.279
Praise can even feel like a demand to keep performing.
00:17:31.599 --> 00:17:35.920
This is real for many families and it deserves compassion.
00:17:36.880 --> 00:17:38.880
But here is the hard part.
00:17:39.759 --> 00:17:46.799
Demand avoidance can be real, and the child still needs a life.
00:17:48.240 --> 00:17:54.319
Nervous system explanation does not mean the world can become demand-free.
00:17:54.960 --> 00:17:56.240
Why is that?
00:17:57.119 --> 00:17:59.200
Because life has demands.
00:17:59.519 --> 00:18:02.799
Bodies have demands, relationships have demands.
00:18:03.119 --> 00:18:04.640
School has demands.
00:18:04.960 --> 00:18:07.039
Maintaining your health has demands.
00:18:07.279 --> 00:18:09.519
Even fun has demands.
00:18:09.839 --> 00:18:19.119
So if we remove every demand, the child's world may get smaller and smaller until almost everything feels impossible.
00:18:19.920 --> 00:18:23.920
So the goal is not to pretend demands are easy.
00:18:24.160 --> 00:18:28.960
The goal is to lower threat while gradually building tolerance.
00:18:29.519 --> 00:18:32.240
And that may mean using indirect language.
00:18:32.400 --> 00:18:41.200
It may mean offering autonomy, may involve collaboration, using humor, reducing unnecessary demands.
00:18:41.359 --> 00:18:46.000
It may mean choosing your timing carefully or saying less words.
00:18:46.160 --> 00:18:53.519
It may mean doing things side by side with the child or making the first step almost ridiculously small.
00:18:54.000 --> 00:19:02.160
Instead of you need to clean your room, maybe it's I'm going to put laundry in this basket and you can toss me socks if you want.
00:19:02.799 --> 00:19:09.279
Instead of start your homework, maybe it's let's just open this document and look at the first question.
00:19:09.759 --> 00:19:15.200
Instead of you have to shower, maybe it's do you want to shower first or do pajamas first?
00:19:15.279 --> 00:19:19.119
And if that's still too much, maybe I'm turning on the water.
00:19:19.359 --> 00:19:22.640
You can decide when your body's ready to step in.
00:19:23.119 --> 00:19:26.720
It's not permissive, it's strategic.
00:19:27.279 --> 00:19:33.759
The adult still has a direction, but the delivery reduces the threat.
00:19:34.079 --> 00:19:36.640
That distinction is very important.
00:19:38.880 --> 00:19:41.920
Now, a good accommodation is a bridge.
00:19:42.160 --> 00:19:47.119
It connects where the child is now with where we hope they can go.
00:19:47.920 --> 00:19:52.240
A bridge does not shame the child for being on one side.
00:19:52.960 --> 00:19:56.559
It also does not pretend the other side does not exist.
00:19:57.839 --> 00:20:03.920
For a child with sensory sensitivity, headphones can be a bridge into a noisy cafeteria.
00:20:04.319 --> 00:20:14.559
But if the cafeteria is unbearable even with headphones, maybe the next step is five minutes in the cafeteria and then a quieter eating space.
00:20:14.799 --> 00:20:22.240
Or maybe lunch in a quiet room is necessary for a season while the team works on regulation and recovery.
00:20:22.799 --> 00:20:29.119
For a child with writing difficulty, speech to text can be a bridge to expressing ideas.
00:20:29.440 --> 00:20:34.960
But we may still want to build handwriting or typing capacity where appropriate.
00:20:35.119 --> 00:20:41.759
Not because handwriting is morally superior, but because flexible tools create more independence.
00:20:42.400 --> 00:20:54.640
For a child with anxiety about presenting to the class, the bridge may be presenting to the teacher alone, and then to two peers, and then to a small group, and maybe eventually to the class.
00:20:54.880 --> 00:20:58.400
Or maybe public speaking is never their favorite thing.
00:20:58.559 --> 00:20:59.200
That's okay.
00:20:59.359 --> 00:21:01.039
A lot of people feel the same way.
00:21:01.200 --> 00:21:05.039
The goal is not to turn every child into a TED talk speaker.
00:21:05.279 --> 00:21:10.480
The goal is to prevent fear from becoming the architect of their life.
00:21:11.680 --> 00:21:29.440
For a child with school refusal, the bridge might be getting dressed, then driving to the parking lot, then walking to the office, then attending one preferred class, then building the resilience from there, slow progress is still progress.
00:21:30.799 --> 00:21:34.160
The key is that a bridge has direction.
00:21:34.799 --> 00:21:44.880
If an accommodation has no direction, no review, no skill building, and no question of what's coming next, it may become a permanent detour.
00:21:46.640 --> 00:21:50.160
Now, sometimes permanent accommodations are appropriate.
00:21:50.319 --> 00:21:54.000
We do not need to fade out every support.
00:21:54.640 --> 00:21:59.759
Glasses are an accommodation, and nobody says, hey, let's slowly reduce the lenses so.
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:03.599
That you build resilience for your eyes.
00:22:04.640 --> 00:22:08.720
Some supports simply allow access and those can stay.
00:22:09.039 --> 00:22:16.640
But other supports should be revisited because kids develop, kids grow, kids mature, kids change.
00:22:16.960 --> 00:22:21.039
Skills grow, nervous systems heal, context shift.
00:22:21.680 --> 00:22:26.960
What was necessary during crisis may become limiting later.
00:22:27.839 --> 00:22:31.680
So the question is not can we remove this support?
00:22:32.319 --> 00:22:40.960
The question is, is this support helping my child access life, or is it helping my child avoid life?
00:22:41.359 --> 00:22:43.759
That is the critical distinction.
00:22:44.799 --> 00:22:46.640
Now let's go to homework.
00:22:46.960 --> 00:22:50.000
A child comes home from school and they're already fried.
00:22:50.079 --> 00:22:57.039
They had to sit, listen, switch classes, manage noise, decode social rules, and just hold it together.
00:22:57.279 --> 00:23:01.200
And now the backpack opens, and there's the math.
00:23:01.680 --> 00:23:05.200
Child looks at the worksheet and says, I can't.
00:23:05.759 --> 00:23:08.880
The parent says, it's only 10 problems.
00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:26.319
And that word only should come with a warning label because only 10 problems to an overwhelmed child can often feel like, please climb this mountain using only a spoon.
00:23:27.119 --> 00:23:33.759
The child melts down, crumbles the paper, they say they're stupid, they say the teacher hates them, they say they don't care.
00:23:33.839 --> 00:23:38.000
Maybe they run to their room, maybe they yell, maybe they just shut down.
00:23:38.319 --> 00:23:40.480
Now the parent has choices.
00:23:41.039 --> 00:23:43.039
One option is to force.
00:23:43.680 --> 00:23:44.880
It's unacceptable.
00:23:44.960 --> 00:23:46.000
You're doing this now.
00:23:46.160 --> 00:23:47.039
No excuses.
00:23:47.200 --> 00:23:48.160
Let's go.
00:23:48.880 --> 00:23:55.920
Now that may produce compliance, but it may also produce shame, panic, or an all-out two-hour war.
00:23:56.720 --> 00:23:58.720
Another option is escape.
00:23:59.519 --> 00:24:00.799
Fine, forget it.
00:24:00.960 --> 00:24:04.160
I'll email the teacher and I'll just say you couldn't do it.
00:24:05.039 --> 00:24:16.720
Now, that may be appropriate occasionally, but if that becomes the default, the child may never learn how to approach hard work.
00:24:17.920 --> 00:24:21.759
The bridge might be let's not do 10 then.
00:24:21.839 --> 00:24:24.079
Let's just do the first one together.
00:24:24.480 --> 00:24:28.000
Or you write the answers, I'll read the problems.
00:24:28.240 --> 00:24:31.759
Or let's set a timer for five minutes and we'll stop when it rings.
00:24:31.920 --> 00:24:34.079
And make sure you follow through on that.
00:24:34.240 --> 00:24:39.359
If even if you're on a roll, if the child wants to stop when it rings, that was the deal, you have to stop.
00:24:39.599 --> 00:24:44.400
Or, you know, how about we circle the ones that you know and we'll ask for help on the rest?
00:24:45.039 --> 00:24:49.519
Or maybe we just say, you know what, your brain is clearly cooked.
00:24:49.680 --> 00:24:55.599
We'll take 20 minutes, let's eat something, and then let's come back and see if we can do a smaller version.
00:24:56.000 --> 00:24:58.559
That is support without surrender.
00:24:59.119 --> 00:25:03.440
See how the expectation is adjusted, but it's not erased.
00:25:03.839 --> 00:25:07.119
The child experiences success and not just escape.
00:25:07.359 --> 00:25:14.799
And success matters because the anxious brain needs evidence, not lectures.
00:25:15.039 --> 00:25:16.799
It needs evidence.
00:25:17.279 --> 00:25:19.759
Evidence says, you know what?
00:25:20.079 --> 00:25:23.440
I thought that I couldn't start, but I started.
00:25:24.240 --> 00:25:27.519
I thought I couldn't do any, but I did two.
00:25:28.400 --> 00:25:32.960
I thought I would panic forever, but I was able to calm down.
00:25:34.079 --> 00:25:38.319
This is exactly how your child's confidence is built.
00:25:38.640 --> 00:25:40.960
Tiny pieces of evidence.
00:25:41.920 --> 00:25:52.720
Now, we cannot talk about a child's avoidance without talking about the parent's nervous system, because avoidance is often contagious.
00:25:53.359 --> 00:25:59.039
The child avoids the demand while the parent avoids the meltdown.
00:25:59.359 --> 00:26:02.079
The school avoids the conflict.
00:26:02.319 --> 00:26:04.880
Everyone gets temporary relief.
00:26:05.359 --> 00:26:08.720
And as a result, that pattern strengthens.
00:26:09.279 --> 00:26:14.799
Parents are not doing this because they're lazy, they're doing it because they're exhausted.
00:26:15.440 --> 00:26:27.759
If you have lived through enough meltdowns, refusals, panic attacks, shutdowns, school calls, family judgment, and professional advice that does not work whatsoever in your actual kitchen.
00:26:28.000 --> 00:26:31.200
Your nervous system starts making predictions.
00:26:32.079 --> 00:26:35.680
If I ask him to shower, he's going to explode.
00:26:36.000 --> 00:26:39.119
If I bring up school, she's going to spiral.
00:26:39.359 --> 00:26:43.200
If I set the limit, we are going to lose the entire evening.
00:26:43.519 --> 00:26:46.559
If I push, it's just going to make it worse.
00:26:46.880 --> 00:26:51.680
So the parent starts walking on eggshells.
00:26:51.920 --> 00:26:59.119
They stop asking, they stop expecting, they stop inviting, they stop bringing up the hard thing.
00:26:59.359 --> 00:27:05.279
And at first, this looks like peace and harmony, but sometimes it is not peace.
00:27:05.519 --> 00:27:10.640
Sometimes it is a very quiet yet loud fear.
00:27:11.279 --> 00:27:13.440
And children feel that.
00:27:13.839 --> 00:27:22.640
A child may not consciously think, my parent is afraid of my reaction, but they sense the hesitation.
00:27:22.880 --> 00:27:25.440
They feel the adult flinch.
00:27:26.160 --> 00:27:32.880
They learn that their distress is powerful enough to shape the room.
00:27:33.519 --> 00:27:37.920
And that can actually make a child feel less safe.
00:27:39.519 --> 00:27:44.640
Look, kids need to know that adults are not going to bulldoze them.
00:27:45.279 --> 00:27:51.200
But they also need to know that adults are not afraid of them.
00:27:52.559 --> 00:28:03.839
The most regulating message that you can operate by is often I understand this is hard and I'm not scared of it.
00:28:05.039 --> 00:28:09.039
I understand this is hard and I'm not scared of it.
00:28:10.079 --> 00:28:12.640
It's not said exactly like that necessarily.
00:28:12.799 --> 00:28:15.519
So please don't stand in the hallway at 7 a.m.
00:28:15.680 --> 00:28:18.160
declaring, I am not scared of your nervous system.
00:28:18.319 --> 00:28:20.240
That's probably not going to land too well.
00:28:20.480 --> 00:28:25.839
But that is the posture, that is the mindset, the internal mindset.
00:28:26.319 --> 00:28:33.519
Warm, calm, steady, not forceful, and certainly not fragile.
00:28:35.759 --> 00:28:39.440
Avoidance does not always look like refusal.
00:28:39.839 --> 00:28:43.039
Sometimes avoidance looks like perfectionism.
00:28:43.759 --> 00:28:47.759
A child won't start because they can't do it perfectly.
00:28:48.000 --> 00:28:50.000
Sometimes it's going to look like anger.
00:28:50.079 --> 00:28:56.640
It's safer to yell, this is stupid, than to say, you know what, I feel embarrassed or ashamed.
00:28:57.119 --> 00:28:59.440
Sometimes it looks like silliness.
00:28:59.599 --> 00:29:07.039
The child becomes goofy, distracted, or disruptive right when the task or the demand gets hard.
00:29:07.519 --> 00:29:09.920
Sometimes it looks like fatigue.
00:29:10.240 --> 00:29:13.200
Sometimes they are too tired to do the thing, though.
00:29:13.359 --> 00:29:16.400
Somehow not too tired for a preferred activity.
00:29:16.799 --> 00:29:19.359
Sometimes it looks like negotiation.
00:29:19.680 --> 00:29:20.799
What if I do it later?
00:29:20.880 --> 00:29:22.000
What if I do half?
00:29:22.160 --> 00:29:23.200
What if I do it tomorrow?
00:29:23.359 --> 00:29:24.960
What if I do it in red pen?
00:29:25.599 --> 00:29:31.279
What if this assignment is actually optional because learning is nothing more than a social construct?
00:29:31.519 --> 00:29:34.480
Sometimes it looks like needing more information.
00:29:34.720 --> 00:29:36.319
What exactly are we doing?
00:29:36.480 --> 00:29:37.599
Who's going to be there?
00:29:37.839 --> 00:29:39.359
How long is this going to take?
00:29:39.599 --> 00:29:40.799
What if it rains?
00:29:40.960 --> 00:29:42.799
What if somebody asks me a question?
00:29:43.039 --> 00:29:45.519
What if the building smells weird?
00:29:46.160 --> 00:29:47.839
Sometimes those questions are legitimate.
00:29:48.000 --> 00:29:51.839
Kids, some kids absolutely need predictability.
00:29:52.319 --> 00:29:57.279
But sometimes the search for certainty just becomes another form of avoidance.
00:29:57.440 --> 00:30:04.079
The child wants a guarantee from you that nothing hard will happen before they agree to try.
00:30:06.000 --> 00:30:16.799
And sadly, life does not offer that guarantee, which is why we're trying to prepare the child for every possible scenario.
00:30:16.960 --> 00:30:23.039
So instead of promising nothing bad will happen, we can say, you know what?
00:30:23.599 --> 00:30:29.920
I don't know exactly how it will go, but I do know that we'll have a plan.
00:30:30.799 --> 00:30:36.960
That's a better promise, not certainty, but the plan is support.
00:30:38.480 --> 00:30:42.880
Now teachers see avoidance too, but they may call it refusal.
00:30:43.119 --> 00:30:48.079
They may say she refuses to write, and the parent says she's anxious.
00:30:48.319 --> 00:30:52.880
The teacher says he won't participate, and the parent says he's overwhelmed.
00:30:53.200 --> 00:30:58.319
The teacher says they put their head down every time we start independent work.
00:30:58.640 --> 00:31:01.680
The parent says, that sounds like shutdown.
00:31:02.000 --> 00:31:06.480
Everyone may be describing the same event just from a different angle.
00:31:06.880 --> 00:31:10.400
This is where we really need shared language.
00:31:11.119 --> 00:31:16.240
Instead of arguing over labels, try mapping the sequence.
00:31:16.960 --> 00:31:18.640
What was the task?
00:31:19.039 --> 00:31:20.880
How was it presented?
00:31:21.440 --> 00:31:24.960
What happened in the child's body or behavior?
00:31:25.279 --> 00:31:27.119
What did the adults do?
00:31:27.599 --> 00:31:28.960
What helped?
00:31:29.200 --> 00:31:30.880
What made it worse?
00:31:31.279 --> 00:31:34.079
What happened after the child avoided?
00:31:34.319 --> 00:31:36.319
Did they escape the task completely?
00:31:36.480 --> 00:31:38.319
Did they get support in return?
00:31:38.559 --> 00:31:40.799
Did the adult reduce the demand?
00:31:41.039 --> 00:31:42.640
Did the child repair?
00:31:43.599 --> 00:31:46.559
Did the plan build toward next time?
00:31:47.440 --> 00:31:50.720
Schools often need to manage the immediate behavior.
00:31:50.799 --> 00:31:52.319
It's understandable, it's very real.
00:31:52.480 --> 00:31:57.839
A teacher cannot stop the entire class every time one student refuses.
00:31:59.039 --> 00:32:06.160
But if the response is always removal without re-entry, the child may learn that avoidance works.
00:32:06.559 --> 00:32:11.119
If the response is always pressure without support, the child may escalate.
00:32:11.839 --> 00:32:15.359
The goal is planned support and planned return.
00:32:15.759 --> 00:32:21.200
For example, the child may take a break, but the break has a structure.
00:32:21.440 --> 00:32:22.400
Where do they go?
00:32:22.640 --> 00:32:23.279
How long?
00:32:23.519 --> 00:32:25.759
What do they do when they're there to regulate?
00:32:25.920 --> 00:32:27.359
How do they return?
00:32:27.599 --> 00:32:31.039
What part of the task will they complete once they return?
00:32:31.279 --> 00:32:32.640
Who checks in?
00:32:33.200 --> 00:32:39.359
Without those questions being answered, take a break can become escape every demand.
00:32:39.599 --> 00:32:41.519
Again, breaks are not bad.
00:32:41.680 --> 00:32:50.400
Breaks are essential for many kids, but a break should help the child come back to life, not just disappear from it.
00:32:50.480 --> 00:32:53.359
A break has to be more of a boomerang effect.
00:32:54.960 --> 00:32:58.880
Let's make the distinction really clear here.
00:32:59.440 --> 00:33:05.680
Support says this is hard, so we're gonna make it more doable.
00:33:06.480 --> 00:33:10.400
Escape says this is hard, so we're gonna make it go away.
00:33:11.359 --> 00:33:14.640
Support says you don't have to do this alone.
00:33:15.119 --> 00:33:18.720
Escape says you don't have to face this at all.
00:33:19.839 --> 00:33:23.359
Support says, let's reduce the threat.
00:33:24.079 --> 00:33:27.519
Escape says, let's remove the demand.
00:33:28.720 --> 00:33:31.119
Support builds confidence.
00:33:31.759 --> 00:33:33.839
Escape gives relief.
00:33:34.000 --> 00:33:36.400
And again, relief is not bad.
00:33:36.559 --> 00:33:42.720
Sometimes relief is necessary, but only relief is the problem.
00:33:42.960 --> 00:33:46.559
Relief cannot be the entire plan.
00:33:48.160 --> 00:34:00.240
If every intervention ends with the child avoiding the hard thing completely, the child may and often will become more anxious over time, not less.
00:34:01.359 --> 00:34:12.719
If every intervention ends with the child being pushed past capacity, the child may become more dysregulated over time, not stronger.
00:34:13.599 --> 00:34:18.719
The sweet spot is supported stretch.
00:34:19.360 --> 00:34:24.320
Not flooding, not avoidance, supported stretch.
00:34:25.440 --> 00:34:28.960
A step that is uncomfortable but doable.
00:34:29.760 --> 00:34:37.039
A step that says, I can try this and I can still be safe.
00:34:37.679 --> 00:34:40.400
That is where growth happens.
00:34:41.440 --> 00:34:48.239
Let's talk about showering because hygiene can become a whole saga for some families.
00:34:48.559 --> 00:34:51.199
A parent says, You need to shower.
00:34:51.519 --> 00:34:53.599
Child says, No.
00:34:54.239 --> 00:34:57.280
Parent says, You haven't showered in three days.
00:34:57.599 --> 00:34:59.679
Child says, I don't care.
00:35:00.400 --> 00:35:03.360
The parent says, other people care.
00:35:04.079 --> 00:35:08.480
The child says, Well, then they can just stop smelling me.
00:35:09.360 --> 00:35:12.320
Now we are not in a hygiene conversation.
00:35:12.559 --> 00:35:16.960
We are in a hostage negotiation involving shampoo.
00:35:17.440 --> 00:35:22.000
For some neurodivergent kids, showering is genuinely hard.
00:35:22.159 --> 00:35:23.360
The transition is hard.
00:35:23.519 --> 00:35:25.119
The water feels wrong.
00:35:25.280 --> 00:35:26.639
The sound is too loud.
00:35:26.719 --> 00:35:28.320
The temperature is unpredictable.
00:35:28.400 --> 00:35:30.320
The towel feels bad.
00:35:30.559 --> 00:35:32.079
Wet hair is awful.
00:35:32.320 --> 00:35:38.320
Getting out is worse than getting in, and the whole thing is just one big sensory obstacle course.
00:35:38.559 --> 00:35:42.960
So just take a shower may be too blunt.
00:35:44.079 --> 00:35:48.159
But never showering is not the plan either.
00:35:48.480 --> 00:35:54.239
The bridge, remember the bridge, might be bath instead of shower.
00:35:54.880 --> 00:36:17.199
Shower chair, different shower or shower head, warm towel, preferred soap, visual checklist, waterproof Bluetooth speaker with favorite playlist of video game soundtracks playing when the child's in the shower, goggles or a swim mask over the face.
00:36:17.440 --> 00:36:23.440
Not only for fun, but for sensory overload with water splashing in the eyes.
00:36:23.599 --> 00:36:31.840
A parent nearby, washing the hair separately, wearing a bathing suit inside the shower if that helps.
00:36:32.079 --> 00:36:34.960
Body rinse only tonight, maybe hair tomorrow.
00:36:35.119 --> 00:36:38.480
Start with turning on the water, then step in for 30 seconds.
00:36:38.639 --> 00:36:39.920
Then we build.
00:36:40.159 --> 00:36:43.280
The goal is not to win the shower battle through dominance.
00:36:43.360 --> 00:36:46.400
The goal is hygiene independence over time.
00:36:47.199 --> 00:36:58.800
Now that may require creativity, patience, reducing sensory overload or even sensory pain, but it still has direction because bodies need care.
00:36:59.679 --> 00:37:06.320
Avoiding body care indefinitely is not compassion, it's a shrinking life.
00:37:09.039 --> 00:37:14.400
One fear parents have is that accommodations lower expectations.
00:37:15.280 --> 00:37:18.400
And they can if they're used poorly.
00:37:18.719 --> 00:37:22.800
But good accommodations do not lower the goal.
00:37:23.119 --> 00:37:26.159
What they do is they change the access point.
00:37:27.599 --> 00:37:32.639
A ramp does not lower the expectation that someone enters the building.
00:37:32.880 --> 00:37:35.039
It makes entry possible.
00:37:36.239 --> 00:37:47.840
For good accommodations for a neurodivergent kid, we might say, you still need to learn, but we can reduce unnecessary writing.
00:37:48.159 --> 00:37:52.719
You still need to communicate, but you can use a script or a device.
00:37:53.039 --> 00:37:57.840
You still need to participate, but maybe not in the loudest setting.
00:37:58.400 --> 00:38:04.239
You still need to repair harm, but we will help you understand what happened.
00:38:04.719 --> 00:38:11.760
You still need to build independence, but we are going to break these tasks down for you into manageable steps.
00:38:12.800 --> 00:38:20.000
You still need to attend school, but the plan to return back to school may be gradual.
00:38:20.400 --> 00:38:27.440
You still need to care for your body, but we are going to adapt the sensory load and the sensory environment.
00:38:28.239 --> 00:38:30.400
This is not lowering expectation.
00:38:30.480 --> 00:38:34.719
This is matching support to the individual nervous system.
00:38:35.519 --> 00:38:39.840
The danger comes when adults stop expecting growth.
00:38:40.480 --> 00:38:51.440
When we say this is hard for him, and quietly add, so he will never have to, that is different.
00:38:52.719 --> 00:38:58.559
A diagnosis explains, it does not erase the future.
00:38:59.679 --> 00:39:02.239
A nervous system difference matters.
00:39:02.320 --> 00:39:06.159
It does not mean the child is finished developing.
00:39:07.280 --> 00:39:10.159
Kids certainly deserve more hope than that.
00:39:12.559 --> 00:39:15.039
But what if they really can't?
00:39:15.599 --> 00:39:15.920
Right?
00:39:16.079 --> 00:39:20.000
Sometimes they really can't, and we need to leave room for that.
00:39:20.800 --> 00:39:33.360
There are seasons of the year when a child may be in burnout, crisis, depression, acute anxiety, medical instability, having a trauma response or severely dysregulated.
00:39:34.079 --> 00:39:37.920
During those times, capacity building may look very different.
00:39:38.239 --> 00:39:48.239
The first step may be rest, safety, connection, medical care, therapy, reduced demands, or major environmental change.
00:39:49.119 --> 00:39:54.000
But we should not confuse emergency stabilization with avoidance.
00:39:55.119 --> 00:40:01.760
If a child has a broken leg, the goal is not to make them run laps for resilience.
00:40:02.320 --> 00:40:10.639
If a child's nervous system is truly overloaded, sometimes the demand has to be removed for a while.
00:40:11.519 --> 00:40:19.599
The problem is when short-term stabilization becomes a long-term lifestyle without any reassessment.
00:40:20.719 --> 00:40:25.519
So we ask: is this a crisis plan or a growth plan?
00:40:26.400 --> 00:40:29.199
Both may be needed at different times.
00:40:29.440 --> 00:40:33.760
A crisis plan reduces demand so the child can recover.
00:40:34.239 --> 00:40:37.840
A growth plan gradually rebuilds capacity.
00:40:39.119 --> 00:40:45.199
Trouble starts when we use a crisis plan for too long, sometimes for years.
00:40:45.599 --> 00:40:51.440
This is how a child's world and a family's world gets smaller.
00:40:54.079 --> 00:40:59.920
Now, here's a helpful way for you as a parent to talk to a child in these moments.
00:41:01.039 --> 00:41:07.519
I believe this feels hard, and I'm not going to force you through it alone.
00:41:08.639 --> 00:41:13.679
But I'm also not going to let fear make your world smaller.
00:41:14.159 --> 00:41:17.679
We're going to find the next small step together.
00:41:18.480 --> 00:41:27.039
Now that may be too many words for your child or a child in distress, so shorten it as needed in the moment.
00:41:27.920 --> 00:41:31.199
I believe you, small step.
00:41:31.760 --> 00:41:37.039
Or we're not doing all of it, we're doing the first piece.
00:41:37.599 --> 00:41:40.079
Or I'll help you start.
00:41:40.960 --> 00:41:46.400
Or you can be upset and still take one step.
00:41:47.360 --> 00:41:48.960
That last one is powerful.
00:41:49.280 --> 00:41:53.679
You can be upset and still take one step.
00:41:54.559 --> 00:42:03.039
Because many kids begin to believe that they have to feel completely calm before they start doing something, before they act.
00:42:03.519 --> 00:42:07.440
Sometimes we act gently first and then calm follows later.
00:42:07.679 --> 00:42:09.519
Not always, but often.
00:42:10.400 --> 00:42:12.960
The step has to be sized right.
00:42:13.199 --> 00:42:15.760
Too big, and the child learns panic.
00:42:16.000 --> 00:42:18.639
Too small, and there's no growth.
00:42:18.960 --> 00:42:22.480
Just right, and the child learns capacity.
00:42:22.880 --> 00:42:24.159
This is the art.
00:42:24.559 --> 00:42:26.880
And yes, it is hard.
00:42:27.840 --> 00:42:35.679
If it were easy, there would not be hundreds of maybe thousands of parenting accounts making reels about it.
00:42:39.119 --> 00:42:41.760
Now, progress may not look impressive.
00:42:41.920 --> 00:42:48.719
It may look like a child who used to miss the whole school day, now making it to the parking lot.
00:42:48.960 --> 00:42:54.880
It may look like a child who refused all writing and now is typing three sentences.
00:42:55.199 --> 00:43:03.039
It may look like a child who avoided every party who is now staying at parties for 25 minutes.
00:43:03.599 --> 00:43:09.760
It may look like a child who screamed during every shower is now washing their body twice a week.
00:43:10.480 --> 00:43:17.039
May look like a child who could not apologize and is now handing over a handwritten repair note.
00:43:17.920 --> 00:43:24.480
It may look like a child who used to bolt from class but is now using a break card and then coming back.
00:43:25.280 --> 00:43:32.320
It may look like a parent who used to panic, who is now staying steady for two extra minutes.
00:43:32.800 --> 00:43:36.559
All of those are wonderful and they're important and they all count.
00:43:36.880 --> 00:43:46.159
We need to respect tiny progress because nervous systems often change through repetition, not through lectures or speeches.
00:43:47.280 --> 00:43:58.639
The child needs repeated experiences I tried, it was hard, I had support, I survived.
00:43:59.039 --> 00:43:59.760
Maybe I can.
00:44:00.239 --> 00:44:02.000
Do a little more next time.
00:44:03.199 --> 00:44:05.679
That is the opposite of shame.
00:44:06.159 --> 00:44:09.440
That is science-informed growth.
00:44:10.480 --> 00:44:17.760
Now, before we close, I do want to speak to any parent who's listening saying, okay, this is exactly where we're stuck.
00:44:17.920 --> 00:44:23.760
I don't know when to push, when to pause, when to accommodate, or when I'm accidentally reinforcing avoidance.
00:44:23.920 --> 00:44:28.559
If that's you, I want you to know you don't have to figure it out on your own.
00:44:29.119 --> 00:44:48.800
If and when you're ready for ongoing neurodivergent support, the Neurodivergent Parenting Collective was created for parents who want practical tools and clarity and a space where you can learn about your child and how to support and help them without having to feel like you have to defend yourself in the process.
00:44:50.000 --> 00:45:06.239
You're able to send direct messages to me every month to get specific questions answered and get together with a group of parents once a week with me in a live stream where we can talk about things that are going on and get some of your questions answered.
00:45:06.480 --> 00:45:09.360
You can find more information in the episode description.
00:45:09.599 --> 00:45:12.000
You're welcome to explore it at your own pace.
00:45:12.079 --> 00:45:22.159
It's a volume of information available for you if you're interested, because you deserve the support that actually reflects what you're living day to day.
00:45:22.800 --> 00:45:24.800
So here's the wake-up call.
00:45:25.119 --> 00:45:27.440
Accommodations are not excuses.
00:45:28.480 --> 00:45:30.960
Support is not weakness.
00:45:32.000 --> 00:45:35.760
Understanding the nervous system is not permissiveness.
00:45:36.719 --> 00:45:46.559
But compassion without capacity building can accidentally shrink a child's life and ultimately your entire family's life.
00:45:46.960 --> 00:45:52.639
And pressure without support can damage trust and increase fear.
00:45:53.519 --> 00:45:58.480
So the sweet spot where we want to do the work is in the middle.
00:45:59.199 --> 00:46:04.400
Not force, not avoidance, supported growth.
00:46:05.280 --> 00:46:09.840
We ask, what is the smallest step toward capacity?
00:46:10.719 --> 00:46:14.159
We ask, what support makes this doable?
00:46:15.280 --> 00:46:20.559
We ask, is this accommodation a bridge or a wall?
00:46:21.519 --> 00:46:28.480
We ask, are we protecting the child from harm or protecting them from growth?
00:46:29.199 --> 00:46:34.239
And we ask those questions with humility because this is not simple.
00:46:35.280 --> 00:46:38.639
There will be days when backing off is wise.
00:46:39.920 --> 00:46:43.920
There will be days when holding the line is loving.
00:46:44.800 --> 00:46:51.760
And there will be days when the next step is obvious, and days when everyone is guessing.
00:46:52.559 --> 00:46:54.159
That is parenting.
00:46:54.800 --> 00:46:57.679
That's especially neurodivergent parenting.
00:46:57.920 --> 00:47:05.440
But remember this your child is not bad because something is hard.
00:47:05.679 --> 00:47:09.840
Your child is not broken because they need support.
00:47:10.239 --> 00:47:14.480
And your child is not incapable just because they can't do it yet.
00:47:15.119 --> 00:47:17.280
Yet is a powerful word.
00:47:18.320 --> 00:47:24.880
They may need time, they may need scaffolding, they may need a different path.
00:47:25.519 --> 00:47:31.360
They may need adults who understand the nervous system instead of just shaming the behavior.
00:47:31.840 --> 00:47:36.480
But they also need adults who believe their world can grow.
00:47:38.079 --> 00:47:47.920
So this has been episode five of the Kids Pressure and Modern Parenting Panic series of Beneath the Behavior podcast.
00:47:48.239 --> 00:47:59.440
Next time, we may, we'll see, we may talk about the myth of the happy kid and why trying to keep children happy all the time may be making them less resilient.
00:47:59.679 --> 00:48:00.800
Something to think about.
00:48:00.960 --> 00:48:04.639
But for now, let's keep looking beneath behavior.
00:48:05.119 --> 00:48:15.840
Stay curious, stay steady, and remember a good support does not simply help a child avoid the hard thing.
00:48:16.719 --> 00:48:25.840
A good support helps the child discover little by little that hard things can become possible.
00:48:27.119 --> 00:48:28.880
Let's keep going together.
