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Welcome to Transformative Living Radio, where we explore the power of intentional change for personal growth and fulfillment.
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I'm Andre Flax, your host and certified life and leadership coach.
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Long ago, in a village beyond the mountains, there lived a man who suffered from a strange condition.
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Each morning he would gaze into a polished bronze mirror and study his reflection.
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But the moment he turned away, he forgot his own face.
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So the man began asking others to tell him who he was.
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When the villagers praised him, he felt worthy.
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When they criticized him, he felt ashamed.
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When they welcomed him, he believed he belonged.
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When they rejected him, he believed he was nothing.
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Over time, the man no longer saw himself through his own eyes.
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He became a collection of other people's judgments.
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One day a wise traveler came through the village and noticed the man searching every passing face for approval.
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Why do you look to strangers as though they possessed the secret of who you are?
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The traveler asked.
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The man replied, Because whenever I turn from the mirror, I forget my face.
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And I need others to remind me.
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The traveler looked at him with compassion.
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You have not forgotten your face, he said.
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You have forgotten that your face is not who you are.
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Then he placed his hand upon the man's shoulder and said, You have spent your life gathering reflections, but you have never turned inward to meet the one who is looking.
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That evening, the man returned to his own mirror.
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But this time he did not study his appearance.
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He looked deeply into his own eyes and asked, Who am I beneath everything the world has told me?
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And for the first time, he did not search the mirror for an answer.
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He closed his eyes and became still enough to listen from within.
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Now, this ancient story may not be familiar, but its message is deeply personal.
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In one way or another, many of us are that man.
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We have not forgotten what we look like.
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We have forgotten who we are beneath everything that has happened to us.
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And that's what I call the Great Day.
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It happens when you become so identified with your story that you forget that you're the consciousness observing that story.
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You forget that you are more than your roles, more than your circumstances, more than your trauma, more than your success, more than your failures, you are more than the labels placed upon you by people who may never have understood you in the first place.
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You say your story is a part of your life, but your story is not the totality of who you are.
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And that's what I want to talk about today.
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The Great Forgetting.
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So grab a pen and a pad, and if you're ready, let's begin.
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Are you ready to take your life and your career to the next level?
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Andre Flax is a John Maxwell leadership certified coach who is committed to helping you turn your dreams into reality.
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With proven effective self-development principles, Andre will help you put a plan in place that grows you steadily toward your goal.
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Contact Andre for a complimentary coaching session by emailing him at Andre at Transformative LivingRadio.com.
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Hello and welcome to another empowering episode of Transformative Living Radio.
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I'm Andre Flax, your host and certified life and leadership coach.
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I want to be clear about something.
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When I say you are more than your story, I'm not asking you to deny your past.
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I'm not telling you that your pain was not real.
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And I'm not suggesting that you should pretend certain things never happened.
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Some experiences change us.
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Loss changes you.
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Betrayal changes you.
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Poverty changes you.
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Rejection changes you.
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Trauma can change the way you see yourself, the way you relate to people, and the way you move through the world.
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You see, I know what it feels like to grow up surrounded by circumstances that could easily become identity.
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Growing up in Camden, New Jersey, poverty wasn't an abstract idea.
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It was part of the environment.
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Crime and violence were not just stories happening somewhere else, they were close enough to touch.
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Now, when you grow up in an environment like that, it can begin speaking to you.
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It can tell you what kind of life is available to you.
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It can tell you what people from your neighborhood
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become.
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It can even tell you how far you're allowed to dream.
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And if you hear that message long enough, you may begin to mistake your environment for your identity.
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But where you begin is not the same as who you are.
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What happened to you is not the same as what you're capable of becoming.
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You see, your story explains what happened.
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Your identity is what you decide those experiences meant about you.
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Those are not the same thing.
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A statement that says, This happened to me isn't about an event.
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A statement that says, This is who I am is about your identity.
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Yet many of us have taken painful events and turned them into permanent definitions.
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For example, a relationship ends and you decide I'm difficult to love.
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A business failed and you decide I'm not cut out for success.
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You struggle in school and you decide I'm not intelligent.
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Someone abandons you and you decide people always leave.
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You made mistakes in your past and you decide I'm broken.
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Do you see what happened?
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The experience became a conclusion.
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The chapter became the title of the entire book.
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The event passed, but the identity remained.
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You see, once an experience becomes part of your identity, you no longer need the original circumstances to keep it alive.
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You begin carrying it with you.
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You make decisions from it.
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You interpret new opportunities through it.
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You enter relationships expecting it to repeat itself.
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You may even unconsciously recreate familiar emotional patterns because although they're painful, they agree with the person you believe yourself to be.
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This is why two people can encounter the same opportunity and respond completely differently.
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One person sees possibility, the other sees danger.
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One person thinks, maybe this is my moment, but the other thinks people like me don't get opportunities like this.
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They are not simply responding to the opportunity, they are responding to who they believe they are in relationship to that opportunity.
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You see, identity shapes interpretation.
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Interpretation shapes decisions, decisions shape behavior, and behavior repeated consistently begins shaping destiny.
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That's why real transformation cannot stop at just changing what you do.
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It must eventually reach what you believe about who you are.
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In our last episode, we explored the difference between living as though life only happens to you and recognizing your ability to participate intentionally in what your life becomes.
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One of the deepest parts of that conversation is identity.
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You have a body, you have a personality, you have a history, you have roles that you play.
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But you are not limited to any one of those things.
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Think of your life as a vehicle.
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Your body, your personality, your background, your education, your career, and your social identity are all part of the vehicle you use to move through the world.
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But the vehicle is not the driver.
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You may drive an old car, but that doesn't mean you're old.
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You may drive through a storm, but that doesn't mean you are the storm.
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You may even find yourself on a difficult road, but the road doesn't define your destiny.
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The danger comes when the driver forgets that he is driving and begins believing that he is merely being carried wherever the vehicle happens to go.
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That is the great forgetting.
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You forget that you have an inner life.
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You forget that you can examine your beliefs.
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You forget that you can direct your attention.
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You forget that you can give new meaning to your experiences.
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You forget that you possess imagination, which is the ability to see beyond what currently exists.
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You forget that you can choose what you practice, what you will accept, and what you will no longer allow to define you.
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When you forget these things, you become reactive.
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You spend your life responding to appearances.
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For example, if the outer world looks promising, you feel hopeful.
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If the outer world looks uncertain, you become afraid.
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If people support your vision, you move forward.
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If they question you, you begin questioning yourself.
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But a creator cannot live entirely from the outside in.
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A creator must learn to live from the inside out.
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And that doesn't mean ignoring reality.
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It means refusing to allow
your present reality to become the only voice shaping your future.
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Now, most of us were given labels before we were old enough to question them.
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Labels like the quiet one, the difficult one, the smart one, the irresponsible one, the strong one, the sensitive one, the successful one, the one who always messes things up.
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Now sometimes a label sounds positive, but it can still become a prison.
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Maybe you were called the strong one, so you learned never to ask for help.
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Maybe you became the successful one, so you began believing your value dependent on always achieving more.
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Maybe you were the responsible one, and now you feel guilty whenever you rest.
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Maybe you were praised for taking care of everyone else, but somewhere along the way you forgot how to take care of yourself.
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You see, roles can help us understand our responsibility, but they become dangerous when we confuse them with our identity.
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You may be a parent, but parenthood is not the whole of you.
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You may be a spouse, but your relationship status doesn't contain your entire identity.
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You may be a leader, but the title is not the source of your value.
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You may be a caregiver, provider, employee, business owner, or coach.
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Those are all expressions of you.
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They are not the totality of you.
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What happens when the children grow up?
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What happens when the career changes?
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What happens when the relationship ends?
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What happens when the company reorganizes and the title disappears?
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You see, if your identity had been built entirely around a role, losing that role can feel like you're losing yourself.
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You look in the mirror and ask, who am I now?
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But perhaps a better question is, who have I always been beneath the role?
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You see, the role may change, the expression may change, the season may change, but the deeper awareness within you, the part capable of learning, imagining, choosing, loving, creating, and becoming, is still there.
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You did not disappear.
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You may simply need to be reacquainted with yourself.
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Now, when we come back, I want to give you three signs that an old story may still be shaping your identity.
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We'll be right back.
00:13:48.870 --> 00:13:52.469
Are you ready to take your life and your career to the next level?
00:13:52.789 --> 00:13:59.750
Andre Flax is a John Maxwell leadership certified coach who is committed to helping you turn your dreams into reality.
00:13:59.990 --> 00:14:07.589
With proven effective self-development principles, Andre will help you put a plan in place that grows you steadily toward your goal.
00:14:07.909 --> 00:14:15.029
Contact Andre for a complimentary coaching session by emailing him at Andre at Transformative LivingRadio.com.
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Hey, welcome back.
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Now let me give you three signs that an old story may still be shaping your identity.
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Now the first sign is that you keep predicting your future from your past.
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You say things like, This always happens to me.
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People like me never get ahead.
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I've tried before and it didn't work.
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My family has always struggled with this.
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I'm just not good at relationships and I've never been confident.
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Notice the language.
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Always, never, that's just who I am.
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Those words take a past pattern and turn it into permanent identity.
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You see, you're not merely remembering what happened, you're using what happened to predict what's possible.
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But the past is evidence of what has been.
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It is not proof of what must be.
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Now the second sign is you keep rejecting anything that contradicts the old story.
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What do I mean?
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Someone gives you a compliment and you dismiss it.
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An opportunity appears and you explain why you're not ready yet.
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Someone treats you with genuine love and you become suspicious.
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You experience a small success and you call it luck.
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Why?
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Because the experience doesn't fit the identity you have practiced.
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We often say we want a new life, but when evidence of a new life appears, we reject it because it feels unfamiliar.
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The old story may be painful, but it's known.
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The new identity may be freeing, but it's unfamiliar.
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And we often mistake familiarity for safety.
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The third sign is you keep shrinking to remain recognizable.
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You feel yourself changing, you have new ideas, you are beginning to think differently.
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You sense that there's more for your life.
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But then you enter an old environment and suddenly you become the
previous version of yourself again.
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You lower your voice, you hide your growth, you downplay your vision.
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You return to the old pattern because you don't want people to feel uncomfortable.
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You are trying to remain recognizable to people who only know an early version of yourself.
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But growth sometimes makes you unfamiliar.
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Not because you're being fake, not because you think you're better than anyone, but because you no longer organize your life around the same fears, wounds, and limitations.
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You are remembering yourself.
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Now, for some people, the old story is connected to trauma.
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And trauma can leave a deep imprint.
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It can teach the body to remain alert even after the danger has passed.
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It can cause a person to expect rejection, betrayal, conflict, or abandonment.
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And healing is not accomplished by simply repeating positive words over unprocessed pain.
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Sometimes healing requires support.
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Sometimes it requires therapy.
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Sometimes it requires grieving, setting boundaries, telling the truth, and learning how to feel safe again.
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But even while honoring the depth of what you experience, I want you to remember something.
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You are not the wound.
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You are the person who became aware of the wound.
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You are not the fear.
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You are the one capable of observing the fear.
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You see, there's a difference between saying I learned to protect myself and saying, I'm a closed-off person.
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There's a difference between saying I've experienced abandonment and saying I'm unwanted.
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One acknowledges the experience, the other turns the experience into a life sentence.
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You see, you're allowed to honor what happened to you without building a permanent home there.
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The past can be a window that helps you understand where you've been.
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But it was never meant to become the room you live in forever.
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Reflection creates wisdom, rumination creates repetition.
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One allows you to visit the past and retrieve the lessons, while the other keeps sending you back to relive the womb.
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You can remember without remaining.
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You can grieve without surrendering your future.
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You can acknowledge the scar without calling yourself the injury.
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Every meaningful creation begins in the unseen.
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Before the building exists, someone sees it in the mind.
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Before the book is written, someone senses the message.
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Before the business is built, someone recognizes possibility.
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Before life changes outwardly, someone begins seeing themselves differently inwardly.
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You see, your imagination is more than a place where you daydream.
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It's an inner projection booth.
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The images you repeatedly hold, the conversations you rehearse, and the outcomes you emotionally anticipate are shaping the way you experience life.
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Now many people use imagination unconsciously.
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They imagine rejection before the conversation.
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They imagine failure before taking the first step.
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They rehearse old arguments.
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They replay embarrassing moments.
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They see themselves falling short before they ever begin.
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Then they say, I'm just being realistic.
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But they are not only observing reality, they are rehearsing an identity.
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They are thinking from the person who already expects to lose.
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Yet to think like a person who creates, you must learn to think from the identity you are becoming.
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You see, there's a difference between thinking about confidence and thinking from confidence.
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Thinking about confidence says, I wish I had more confidence.
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Thinking from confidence asks, how would I enter the room if I trusted myself?
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Now thinking about peace says, I hope my circumstances calm down.
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But thinking from peace asks a question like, how would I respond if I refuse to let chaos take over my inner world?
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Now this is not pretending, it's rehearsal.
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Just like an athlete rehearsed every movement before competition, or a speaker rehearses his message before stepping on stage, in the same way you can begin rehearsing a new relationship with yourself.
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You can begin seeing yourself as capable.
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You can imagine yourself responding rather than reacting.
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You can practice the inner language of the person you intend to become.
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You see, identity precedes behavior.
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And when you change the place from which you think, you begin changing the way you move.
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--> 00:21:09.029
Now I want to share a practical exercise which I call identity audit.
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So if you can take out a journal or an open blank page on your phone and write down this sentence, the story I've been telling myself is, then finish it honestly.
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Maybe your story is I'm always overlooked.
00:21:26.070 --> 00:21:37.350
Maybe it's I have to do everything alone, or it's too late for me, or I can never get ahead, or I always choose the wrong people, or I'm not ready.
00:21:37.590 --> 00:21:40.310
Now don't judge what comes up, just name it.
00:21:40.470 --> 00:21:46.470
Because I've always said you cannot consciously change a story you're unwilling to identify.
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Then I want you to ask, where did I learn this?
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Was it something a parent said?
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Did it come from a relationship?
00:21:55.269 --> 00:21:57.509
Was it formed during childhood?
00:21:57.830 --> 00:22:00.789
Did it grow from one painful experience?
00:22:01.029 --> 00:22:03.990
Or did you inherit it from family or environment?
00:22:04.230 --> 00:22:07.590
Now we're not looking for someone to put the blame on.
00:22:07.750 --> 00:22:13.670
We're tracing the origin so you stop confusing something you learned with something you are.
00:22:14.230 --> 00:22:19.029
Next, I want you to ask, how has this story shaped my decisions?
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What opportunities have I avoided?
00:22:22.230 --> 00:22:24.710
What relationships have I tolerated?
00:22:24.950 --> 00:22:27.670
What boundaries have I failed to set?
00:22:28.470 --> 00:22:30.630
Where have I remained silent?
00:22:31.509 --> 00:22:33.670
Where have I been playing it small?
00:22:34.870 --> 00:22:40.870
What have you refused to attempt because the old story told you it wasn't for you?
00:22:42.310 --> 00:22:46.550
Then I want you to ask, what has this story cost me?
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Be honest.
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Has it cost you peace, time, confidence, connection, creativity, opportunities?
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Has it kept you so focused on survival that you have forgotten how to live?
00:23:03.190 --> 00:23:04.630
Write this question down.
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Who would I be without this concluding?
00:23:08.789 --> 00:23:18.950
Without the memory, the concluding experience no longer meant that you were unworthy, incapable, unwanted, or powerless.
00:23:19.670 --> 00:23:20.710
Who might you become?
00:23:22.070 --> 00:23:22.789
Would you attempt?
00:23:24.789 --> 00:23:25.430
Would you speak?
00:23:28.630 --> 00:23:30.710
Would you finally allow yourself to receive?
00:23:32.310 --> 00:23:35.430
The question begins separating the event from the identity.
00:23:36.789 --> 00:23:41.110
The words I am are among the most powerful words you can ever speak.
00:23:41.350 --> 00:23:45.190
Because whatever follows them becomes a declaration of
identity.
00:23:46.230 --> 00:23:48.470
For example, not good enough.
00:23:49.910 --> 00:23:50.390
You hold.
00:23:51.750 --> 00:23:52.310
Behind.
00:23:53.110 --> 00:23:53.670
I'm damn.
00:23:55.269 --> 00:23:55.830
Unlucky.
00:23:57.509 --> 00:23:58.870
Leadership material.
00:23:59.190 --> 00:24:01.910
I am not the kind of person who can do that.
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Every time you repeat one of those statements, we're not simply describing a feeling, you are planting a seed.
00:24:11.029 --> 00:24:14.310
And your mind, like soil, doesn't argue with the seed.
00:24:14.550 --> 00:24:17.750
It begins looking for evidence that supports what has been planted.
00:24:18.390 --> 00:24:25.110
So if you plant I'm always overlooked, your attention begins finding every moment when someone failed to recognize you.
00:24:25.750 --> 00:24:30.550
If you plant, I'm bad with money, every financial mistake becomes proof.
00:24:31.750 --> 00:24:37.110
Plant I'm difficult to love, every disagreement begins feeling like a confirmation.
00:24:38.070 --> 00:24:42.470
You see, the soil produces according to what is repeatedly planted and nourished.
00:24:42.630 --> 00:24:47.110
That's why you must become intentional about the identity statement you rehearse.
00:24:47.350 --> 00:24:50.550
Now this does not mean repeating words that feel empty.
00:24:51.910 --> 00:24:54.789
Choosing language that opens the door for growth.
00:24:55.029 --> 00:25:01.029
For example, instead of I am broken, try, I am healing, learning, and becoming whole.
00:25:02.070 --> 00:25:05.029
Instead of I have no confidence, try.
00:25:12.870 --> 00:25:16.630
Try, I'm becoming someone who learns, adjusts, and keeps moving.
00:25:17.269 --> 00:25:22.710
Instead of it's too late, try, I'm still here, and this chapter is still being written.
00:25:22.950 --> 00:25:27.430
You see, a new identity is not established through one emotional moment.
00:25:28.390 --> 00:25:31.350
It's developed through repetition, evidence, and action.
00:25:32.550 --> 00:25:35.750
Each time you speak differently, you plant a seed.
00:25:35.990 --> 00:25:40.550
Each time you make a choice consistent with your new identity, you water it.
00:25:40.789 --> 00:25:45.509
And each time you refuse to return to an old pattern, you strengthen the roots.
00:25:46.150 --> 00:25:50.310
Eventually, what once felt unfamiliar begins to feel natural.
00:25:51.509 --> 00:25:54.789
So let me give you a simple practice you can begin tomorrow morning.
00:25:55.750 --> 00:26:00.789
Before you check your phone, read an email, or allow the world to tell you who you need to be.
00:26:02.150 --> 00:26:03.269
Five quiet minutes.
00:26:04.710 --> 00:26:05.750
First, remember.
00:26:06.870 --> 00:26:11.830
Say to yourself, I am more than my story, more than my roles.
00:26:12.630 --> 00:26:15.110
I am more than other people's opinions.
00:26:15.350 --> 00:26:25.910
I am the one who can observe, choose, imagine, and create second, see picture yourself moving through the day as the person you're becoming.
00:26:27.750 --> 00:26:31.590
Not only picture the outcome, picture the identity.
00:26:31.990 --> 00:26:33.990
See yourself speaking clearly.
00:26:34.150 --> 00:26:37.110
See yourself keeping the promise you made to yourself.
00:26:37.350 --> 00:26:40.630
See yourself responding to pressure with composure.
00:26:40.950 --> 00:26:43.029
See yourself setting boundaries.
00:26:43.269 --> 00:26:45.590
See yourself taking the next courageous dog.
00:26:47.190 --> 00:26:47.670
Choose.
00:26:48.150 --> 00:26:53.910
Ask yourself, what is one decision I can make today that agrees with the person I'm become?
00:26:55.509 --> 00:27:07.910
Yet sending the email, making the call, going for the walk, having the conversation, applying for the opportunity, saying no without guilt, saying yes without shrinking.
00:27:08.150 --> 00:27:13.350
You see, the actions may appear small, but identity is built through repeated evidence.
00:27:14.390 --> 00:27:20.789
As we bring this episode to a close, I want you to imagine yourself standing in front of a mirror.
00:27:21.269 --> 00:27:35.910
I want you to look beyond your face, beyond your age, beyond the role you play, beyond the title you carry, beyond the mistakes, beyond the accomplishments, and beyond the labels.
00:27:36.630 --> 00:27:38.870
Look into your own eyes and ask.
00:27:39.509 --> 00:27:41.990
Who is the one standing here right now?
00:27:45.590 --> 00:27:46.470
Who are you now?
00:27:47.830 --> 00:30:18.950
Who are you willing to do?com.
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