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Well, recently I was thinking about my own thought processes,
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the ones that keep me or lead me back to
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the thoughts of returning to porn. And as I think
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about it, maybe they may mirror some of the thoughts
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you have, some of maybe the mind drift that you have,
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or the thoughts that lead you back to porn. Perhaps
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the insights that I offer you today could be of
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use to you, maybe by the end of this podcast,
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you're thinking, you know what, Vern, that's just you. So
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I guess we'll find out about that after the break,
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which one it is.
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So welcome aboard.
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When it comes to porn, are you stuck spinning out
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or slipping backwards in your life? If so, then welcome
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to the Finding Traction podcast, a show dedicated to those
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who are looking to gain recovery momentum away from porn
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and toward the life and relationships they have always hoped for. Now,
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here's your host, Vern Tompke.
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Well, before I get into today's idea around Mind Drift,
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let me just say we have a brand new finding
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traction group that is happening this fall. It's the fall
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of 2026 and the leaves are falling, but maybe you
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are tired of falling and you're saying, you know what?
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I need to get into a group, a group of
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committed guys, motivated guys that want to seriously and permanently
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put porn in the rear view mirror. And what we
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do offer is a 52 week video finding traction course.
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I lead the group. We walk through the material together.
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We stay connected with each other on WhatsApp throughout the week.
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And many, many guys are finding this is a great
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way for me to turn the corner on what has
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become embedded, problematic use of porn in my life. So
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if you're looking for hope for the first full year
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of porn recovery, please reach out to me. My email
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is bandofbrothers.care at gmail.com. There's also a link in your
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show notes, uh, about the circle platform. It's a way
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that you can get access to all sorts of free
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resources that I've prepared, you know, that I've made over
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the last five, six years. And also you can watch
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the first lesson, uh, the first two lessons of the
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finding traction course, the video course, uh, there on the
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circle platform as well for free. All right, well, let's
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get into this idea of mind drift and, uh, I
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guess recently I had a bit of an epiphany as
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I was examining my thoughts, you know, around returning to porn.
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And let me set the, you know, let me give
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you the setting here for how I had this epiphany.
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Now I am an empty nester. All my kids have
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left home.
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And one of the things that I like to do
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just for enjoyment or my spare time is.
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Play video games. I'm not too old to play video games.
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Uh, and I could even play violent or semi-violent video
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games because I don't have young boys looking over my shoulder.
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Dad, you know, they're killing a person. All right.
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Uh, one of my favorite games is Assassin's Creed. I'm
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playing right now. Not that I don't play the game.
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That's got three letters that start with G. Um, if
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you're wondering, but, uh, I am, uh, uh, really enjoying
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that as something I just do in my spare time. Now, uh,
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one of the things I do is I use my
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PS five. I'm out here in my room and, uh,
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it's a separate room and you know, it's where I
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do my podcast and it's where I play my video games. And, uh,
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in order to use my PS five, uh, my wife
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has to type the password in on the controller. which
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means that I only get to play video games when
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she's home.
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All right.
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And that goes back to a whole bunch of other
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tools that you will have heard from me in older episodes.
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You tracking with me?
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Yeah. So that's what I do. She comes in. I
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want
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to play my video game. She comes in, types
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the password in, goes back out.
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All right.
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Now, here is what I've noticed. She types the password in.
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She leaves the room. And what is the very first
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thought that I have? Well, Vern, perhaps I could use
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this time to check out YouTube, which is on here,
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or even the internet. And it's the very first thought
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that I have. Maybe you noticed a thought like that.
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Here's another one I've noticed that I've heard guys say
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to me. You know, whenever my wife types in the
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screen time password, let's say I have to update an
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app or there's a banking or an airline app or
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something that I got to download. My very first thought
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is this, you know what? I could right now download
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another app that won't be filtered or, you know, that
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I can go around screen time with. I think that
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experience with the guys I hang out.
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Is pretty common.
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So this is where my epiphany started. And my epiphany
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was this, this is where my acting out starts. And
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I think that there is a very subtle mind drift
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that many of us don't recognize because it's so subtle.
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And it slowly but surely moves us towards acting out.
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So let's walk through what I think that mind drift is.
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The very first thing that happens to me in these examples,
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or maybe you have similar examples in other contexts, is this.
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You know what?
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I could do this. Now that's a pretty innocuous thought, right?
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Pretty harmless. It's hypothetical. It's just a possibility.
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And we don't recognize it as problematic or dangerous, and
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it just sits there.
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You know, I could do this.
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But when it is uncontested, over time, that mind drift
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of that thought, I could do this, I find can
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morph into the second thought.
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You know, I might do this. Now, here's the thing.
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That also feels somewhat safe because in this sense, I
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might do this. I'm still just in the realm of probability, right?
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And the thing about probability, well, it's kind of like
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You know, there's a probability that the Cowboys are going
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to win the Super Bowl this year. And it's just,
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you know, it's getting smaller every time I watch them.
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But it's just a probability. And it may not be likely,
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but it's a probability. I might do this. It sits
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there and I allow it to sit there. But over time,
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that probability begins to grow. And eventually, it morphs and
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crosses a boundary, it's hard to know where, into the
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third step in this mind drift.
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I will do this at some point.
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Now, we're firmly in the context of eventuality. at some point,
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I will do this. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow,
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but when the right situation or opportunity arises, I will
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do this.
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I will take it.
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And you say, well, why does that sit there unopposed? Well,
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because we haven't done anything yet. We at this point
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don't have anything yet to confess. There's no actions. We
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haven't crossed a behavioral line. Yet if someone could peer
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into our mind, they would know, you know what?
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It's just a matter of time.
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And then the fourth drift, of course, is the end result,
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which is the acting out, the relapse. And that, of course,
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is where the spell is broken and And where we
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now see things clearly again. We're kind of like Charlie Brown,
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you know, that thinks, well, this time, maybe this time,
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Lucy won't pull the ball back and I won't end
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up flat on my back.
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And we might even be asking ourselves, how did we
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get here? How did this happen?
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I mean, the spell is broken and I see what
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a schmuck I feel like I've been, but how did
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I get here? How did my actions get here? Well,
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I would submit to you today that your actions got
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here because your mind slowly drifted here. So, to summarize,
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we went from possibility to probability, then eventually to an
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eventuality that ended in a relapse. And all the time
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through that, we never opposed or confronted that mind drift.
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So you may ask, well, where is the point of intervention?
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And I guess you could say, well, I guess the
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point of intervention is any point up to relapse. And
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there's always intervention, any point along this process. But the
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question I want to ask today is, where is the best.
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Point of intervention?
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And I think most of us would probably look at
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what I've just described and go, well, I'm thinking, Vern,
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that the right answer is right at the very beginning
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of the process. And I would say to you, yeah. Now,
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this may get a little bit woo-woo. By that, I
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mean flaky or mystical or New Age or something. But
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I want you to think about how could I confront
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my thoughts at the very beginning of this process? where
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I go, you know what? I could do this. That's
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where it started. And so this is what I would
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suggest or what I would submit to you is how
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to confront your thinking at the very beginning. As soon as,
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let me use my example. As soon as I have
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the idea, my wife types the password in, she walks
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out of the room, My first thought is, I could
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do this. I could use this PS5 to act out with.
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I immediately confront myself and go, no, I cannot do this.
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I will not do this. This will not happen.
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This is not how this plays out. This PS5 is
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for my positive enjoyment. I will not use it. to
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get me off track. Otherwise I'm going to lose my
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enjoyment of it. Um, you know, I, I am not
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the kind of person who would do that. I'm not
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the kind of sneaky guy that would do one thing
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in one room while my wife is in the other room,
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like a kid stealing cookies. That is not the kind
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of man that I am. That's not going to happen.
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Not today. this little weed that appears next to my
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nice vegetables, I'm pulling it out. I'm stamping on it.
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Not going to happen. You see that whole idea. It's not,
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I could do this. It's like, I could not do this.
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I will not do this. Ain't going to happen. I
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recognize the very beginning of that thought. And I say,
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that is not my future. That thought will not be
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resident in my mind at all. And On top of that,
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you say, well, I am also going to, with the
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guys that I hang out with, and I have a
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lot of great guys I hang out with in recovery
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in the different groups, I'm going to tell this to
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them that I've had this thought, that I could do this,
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because that's going to break the spell in one sense,
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me simply speaking it out, simply telling other guys. Oh,
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and then I'm doing a podcast on it. So that
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really seals the deal. I confront the thought. I say, no,
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I'm not going to let it sit there. I'm not
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going to let it slowly gain momentum while it pretends
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to be innocuous.
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Right?
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So where's your mind drift? What are the thoughts that
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lead you back to porn? Maybe you want to do
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the same kind of excavation that I did around those
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thoughts and begin to interrogate them, begin to confront them.
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Hopefully my example and my revelation here gives you a
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little bit of ideas on how to do that. Guys,
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I'd love your feedback on this podcast. I also did
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this one on YouTube as well. Love to get your feedback.
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Reach out to me. My email is bandofbrothers.care at gmail.com.
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We'll see you next time.