文字稿 🔗
WEBVTT
00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:06.719
A few weeks ago Dennis was taking Ailish to the playground and I noticed he didn't have snacks.
00:00:07.040 --> 00:00:14.960
Now, I'm the playground parent in our family about 99% of the time, so I know the snacks.
00:00:15.119 --> 00:00:23.760
I know which water bottle to bring, I know what will keep Ailish entertained, and what time hunger is going to hit.
00:00:24.480 --> 00:00:28.239
And the words were right there, sitting in my mouth.
00:00:28.559 --> 00:00:30.160
Did you bring snacks?
00:00:30.480 --> 00:00:34.320
Four words, and very helpful ones I would argue.
00:00:35.920 --> 00:00:37.759
But I didn't say them.
00:00:38.719 --> 00:00:43.200
What surprised me was how hard it was not to.
00:00:43.840 --> 00:01:11.280
And if you ever typed out the reminder text and deleted it before you hit send, or watched someone load the dishwasher in a way you would never load it and walked out of the room so you wouldn't say anything, or caught yourself answering an email that was somebody else's before they even had a chance to open it, then you know exactly how loud the sentence you don't say can get.
00:01:14.159 --> 00:01:24.719
Welcome back to Unscripted, a Mantaring Podcast, the show for the ambitious working mother who is everyone's default and is finally ready to hear her own voice again.
00:01:25.040 --> 00:01:35.040
I'm Andy Salcedo, I'm a coach, a working mother, and the founder of Manthearing, the coaching brand and community for working moms behind this show.
00:01:35.599 --> 00:01:47.920
And if you want honest conversations about what it's really like to be everyone's default, the things nobody sees, and the reasons we keep carrying them, make sure you follow Unscripted.
00:01:48.079 --> 00:01:53.760
It's a small way of making space for yourself in the middle of everything else you're carrying.
00:01:56.239 --> 00:02:02.959
Last week I talked about what it's like to be the default parent, the one everybody goes to first.
00:02:03.519 --> 00:02:20.719
I told you I was never only worried about the forgotten bag, I was worried about what it said about me as a mother, and I ended up by asking why so many of us keep taking full ownership of everything, even when it's exhausting.
00:02:21.199 --> 00:02:31.919
This week I want to show you where all of that lives in my own house, and why letting go can feel even harder than holding on.
00:02:32.400 --> 00:02:35.840
If you missed last week, it's worth going back to.
00:02:54.639 --> 00:02:59.680
So Dennis took her and I stayed home to help Sophia with something she needed.
00:02:59.919 --> 00:03:12.240
But I've done the playground hundreds of times, and I know what can turn a perfectly happy Ailish into someone negotiating with the United Nations over a granola bar.
00:03:12.639 --> 00:03:13.919
I have data.
00:03:15.039 --> 00:03:23.120
So when I saw Dennis getting ready without them, a part of me wanted to step in right then, and I didn't.
00:03:23.599 --> 00:03:25.840
I thought this is his.
00:03:26.479 --> 00:03:30.000
He's taking her, he's in charge, so it's his.
00:03:31.199 --> 00:03:40.719
But then I had to sit there holding information I knew would make things go better and choose not to hand it over.
00:03:41.280 --> 00:03:46.879
Which I know it sounds ridiculous when we are talking about a granola bar.
00:03:48.080 --> 00:03:50.319
But here's what I started to see.
00:03:50.639 --> 00:03:55.759
What I was handing Dennis wasn't only the job of taking Ailish to the park.
00:03:56.000 --> 00:03:58.719
I was handing him the outcome too.
00:03:59.199 --> 00:04:04.879
She might get hungry, he might buy something there, they might come home early.
00:04:05.199 --> 00:04:09.759
Or he might have a plan that hadn't even occurred to me.
00:04:10.000 --> 00:04:26.399
And if I gave him the job and then anticipated every possible problem, reminded him what to bring, checked what he'd done, and stepped in before anything could go wrong, I hadn't really given him ownership.
00:04:26.639 --> 00:04:28.480
I'd given him tasks.
00:04:29.120 --> 00:04:32.639
Plus, he would say, Yes boss.
00:04:33.439 --> 00:04:34.879
Because he loves saying that.
00:04:35.040 --> 00:04:36.480
He loves calling me boss.
00:04:36.720 --> 00:04:38.720
Maybe I am a little bit of a bossy.
00:04:38.959 --> 00:04:39.759
I don't know.
00:04:40.079 --> 00:04:49.040
Now, this made me wonder why was it so hard for me to keep those very simple four words in my mouth?
00:04:49.360 --> 00:04:51.759
Are you bringing any snacks?
00:04:52.000 --> 00:05:00.959
The way I've learned to talk about this comes from internal family systems and the book No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz.
00:05:01.279 --> 00:05:06.240
There's one idea from the book that changed how I hear myself.
00:05:06.560 --> 00:05:11.680
When I say I'm controlling, I'm completely inside of it.
00:05:11.920 --> 00:05:14.560
I can't really see the part anymore.
00:05:14.800 --> 00:05:19.839
It just feels like me, and the judgment comes along for the ride.
00:05:20.160 --> 00:05:23.360
Oh my god, Andy, just let it go.
00:05:23.839 --> 00:05:27.279
Why can't you let anybody else do anything?
00:05:27.839 --> 00:05:32.240
In IFS that's called being blended with a part.
00:05:33.120 --> 00:05:40.720
But when I say there's a part of me that wants to take control right now, something shifts.
00:05:40.959 --> 00:05:48.800
There's me, and there's this other part over here yelling, SNACs woman! Snacks.
00:05:50.800 --> 00:05:57.040
And the goal isn't to get mad at her, because she's very good at her job.
00:05:57.360 --> 00:05:58.560
Think about it.
00:05:58.879 --> 00:06:02.079
She remembers the forms and answers the emails.
00:06:02.319 --> 00:06:08.560
She puts everything in the calendar, checks the backpacks, thinks three steps ahead.
00:06:08.720 --> 00:06:18.560
And she's a big reason a family with two kids, a career, two schools, and a hundred appointments and birthdays somehow keeps
Load full transcript
running.
00:06:18.879 --> 00:06:21.360
She is competent as hell.
00:06:21.920 --> 00:06:29.600
So instead of asking how I get rid of her, I get curious about why she works so hard.
00:06:29.839 --> 00:06:36.160
And a few months ago, something happened that showed me exactly why she works so hard.
00:06:36.480 --> 00:06:44.639
This year both of my girls changed schools, which meant new schedules, new systems, and new enrichments.
00:06:44.959 --> 00:06:52.319
I am a calendar person, and everything goes in the calendar because if it doesn't, then it does not exist.
00:06:53.199 --> 00:07:04.399
I had signed the girls up for their new enrichments, chorus for Sophia and piano for Eilish, and I had it in my calendar that they started that Friday.
00:07:04.800 --> 00:07:13.040
So Friday comes, and according to my very organized calendar system, pickup is at four.
00:07:13.360 --> 00:07:20.160
Great! And then at 3 o'clock, I get a call from Sophia.
00:07:20.399 --> 00:07:23.839
As soon as I saw her call, I knew it.
00:07:24.079 --> 00:07:26.000
I had gotten it wrong.
00:07:26.319 --> 00:07:28.480
Enrichments hadn't started yet.
00:07:28.720 --> 00:07:32.160
Pickup was at three and I wasn't there.
00:07:32.480 --> 00:07:35.600
What happened inside my head was so fast.
00:07:36.160 --> 00:07:39.839
It wasn't Oh no, I got the date wrong.
00:07:40.879 --> 00:07:41.199
No.
00:07:41.839 --> 00:07:46.959
It was what kind of mother doesn't pick up her kid on time?
00:07:47.600 --> 00:07:49.839
What is the school going to think?
00:07:50.480 --> 00:07:51.600
We're new here.
00:07:51.759 --> 00:07:52.800
They don't know me.
00:07:52.959 --> 00:08:00.000
They don't know that I'm careful, that I'm involved, that I'm always there, that I'm not a mess.
00:08:00.800 --> 00:08:02.240
It was incredible.
00:08:02.560 --> 00:08:05.519
Because the mistake was a date.
00:08:05.839 --> 00:08:12.959
And inside me the story became what does this say about me as a mother?
00:08:13.360 --> 00:08:15.680
And that's when something clicked.
00:08:16.000 --> 00:08:24.560
Because that's the exact worry I told you about on my last episode, and I had just watched it happen in real time.
00:08:25.360 --> 00:08:33.759
The part of me that remembers everything, that checks and anticipates and wants to say, Did you bring snacks?
00:08:33.919 --> 00:08:38.399
isn't doing all of that only because she likes things downright.
00:08:38.799 --> 00:08:47.360
Somewhere along the way, being the mother who remembers everything got tangled up with being a good mother.
00:08:47.600 --> 00:08:56.639
And if I remember everything, anticipate everything, and check everything, then I never have to be on the other end of that phone call.
00:08:56.879 --> 00:09:07.919
I never have to feel that I dropped the ball, that someone's disappointed, that someone might judge me, that I should have known.
00:09:08.240 --> 00:09:13.279
And to be honest, I used to think of control just as a behavior.
00:09:13.519 --> 00:09:19.279
I step in, I remind, I organize, I check, I redo.
00:09:20.000 --> 00:09:25.279
And now I'm starting to wonder whether I've been looking at the wrong part of it.
00:09:25.840 --> 00:09:28.240
Control is a behavior.
00:09:28.559 --> 00:09:31.039
Protection is a function.
00:09:31.279 --> 00:09:36.159
And that's why I think a part of me feels safer staying right where I am.
00:09:36.480 --> 00:09:40.240
Because there's a payoff to being the one who remembers.
00:09:40.559 --> 00:09:54.399
Things don't fall through, people aren't disappointed, nobody wonders why you didn't know, and you never have to sit there asking what it says about you when something goes wrong.
00:09:54.799 --> 00:10:02.000
The very thing that's exhausting me may also be the thing a part of me believes is keeping me safe.
00:10:02.240 --> 00:10:07.919
And if that's true, just let go is not very useful advice.
00:10:08.240 --> 00:10:21.840
Neither is just delegate, because I'm not only handing over a task, I'm asking a part of me to put down one of the ways it has learned to protect me.
00:10:22.080 --> 00:10:36.000
And I want to be careful here, because I am not saying this is why every woman controls things, and I'm definitely not saying that women carry the mental load because we can't get out of our own way.
00:10:36.240 --> 00:10:39.440
We talked about this on the last episode.
00:10:39.679 --> 00:10:52.159
There are expectations around motherhood that were here long before any of us arrived, and families and workplaces and schools that have learned exactly who to call.
00:10:52.559 --> 00:10:57.120
None of that was created by somebody remembering the snacks.
00:10:57.519 --> 00:11:05.039
I just want to be curious about what happens inside me when I try to change my position in it.
00:11:05.600 --> 00:11:09.919
Now I want to be clear about where I'm stopping in this episode.
00:11:10.159 --> 00:11:17.440
Because the worry I just described, what a mistake says about me as a mother, is a layer I can see.
00:11:17.759 --> 00:11:20.639
But sometimes there's another one under it.
00:11:20.879 --> 00:11:33.759
When a part has been working this hard for this long, it's often guarding a feeling it really doesn't want you to feel, and that can be a lot bigger than a missed pickup.
00:11:34.000 --> 00:11:41.200
And I don't think you should go digging for it on your own, and I don't think a podcast is the place for it.
00:11:41.519 --> 00:11:51.279
Getting close to something like that goes better slowly with someone in the room with you, and that's the kind of work I do with women in my coaching.
00:11:51.519 --> 00:11:58.720
What I can tell you is that this isn't about becoming a woman who never controls anything.
00:11:59.039 --> 00:12:08.159
Some days I decide I'm willing to pay the price of things being done differently so I can stop paying the price of controlling everything.
00:12:08.480 --> 00:12:19.360
I've made that trade more than once, and some days I decide
the price is too high, and I pack the snacks myself, and I do it on purpose.
00:12:19.759 --> 00:12:22.320
Both of those are choices.
00:12:22.639 --> 00:12:34.720
The difference I'm starting to notice is whether I'm choosing or whether that protective part has taken over so completely that I don't even realize there's a choice.
00:12:34.960 --> 00:12:38.960
So here's a question I would like to leave you with this week.
00:12:39.600 --> 00:12:45.679
What does the part of you that wants control believes it's doing for you?
00:12:48.240 --> 00:12:52.480
And before we go, I want to leave you with something else.
00:12:52.639 --> 00:12:55.120
It's something very small to try.
00:12:55.360 --> 00:12:59.600
Now, if you're driving, please save this for later.
00:12:59.919 --> 00:13:07.840
Otherwise, let your feet find the floor and take one slow deep breath.
00:13:09.200 --> 00:13:13.200
Think of a snack-sized moment from this week.
00:13:13.840 --> 00:13:21.120
A time you wanted to step in, to remind or redo something that was somebody else's.
00:13:21.360 --> 00:13:27.279
It can be from motherhood, it can be at work, anything works.
00:13:29.360 --> 00:13:33.600
Now notice where you feel that in your body.
00:13:33.840 --> 00:13:42.159
Maybe you can feel it in your jaw, maybe it's in your chest or your stomach.
00:13:42.639 --> 00:13:44.960
Maybe you feel it in your hands.
00:13:47.200 --> 00:13:54.080
Now say to yourself, there's a part of me that really wants to take control of this.
00:13:54.879 --> 00:13:55.759
Just that.
00:13:56.240 --> 00:13:59.519
One part of you, not all of you.
00:14:00.960 --> 00:14:04.559
And notice how you feel toward that part.
00:14:04.879 --> 00:14:12.480
Maybe you feel annoyed, maybe a little bit embarrassed, maybe you just want her to stop.
00:14:12.960 --> 00:14:15.200
You don't have to change any of that.
00:14:15.519 --> 00:14:18.000
Just notice it.
00:14:19.120 --> 00:14:30.399
And if it comes a moment where you can actually accept this part, and where you can actually make space for it to listen to it.
00:14:31.279 --> 00:14:40.639
And if there's a little room for curiosity, you can ask her the question, what do you believe you're doing for me?
00:14:41.840 --> 00:14:45.840
If nothing comes, that's a good answer.
00:14:46.080 --> 00:14:58.639
And if anything feels bigger than you expected, then you can stop, look around the room, feel your feet, and come back here.
00:14:59.039 --> 00:15:00.320
That's enough.
00:15:00.960 --> 00:15:08.720
Letting go might start with understanding why that part learned to hold on so tightly.
00:15:10.320 --> 00:15:17.679
If this brought something up and you want someone in the room with you while you work on it, that's what I do.
00:15:18.320 --> 00:15:27.840
You can find ways to work with me at Mamtoring.com or you can follow me on Instagram at andy.mantaring.
00:15:28.240 --> 00:15:30.000
I'm Andy Salcedo.
00:15:30.159 --> 00:15:33.440
This is Unscripted, and I'll see you in two weeks.