Dear Chelsea Network Presents: Chelsea on You’re The Problem…with Yamaneika 的完整文字稿

Halloween? I. 00:05:50 Speaker 5: I was Michael Jackson. 00:05:52 Speaker 2: Beat it. 00:05:52 Speaker 5: Yeah, it was off the wall. 00:05:54 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:05:55 Speaker 2: I'm so sick of you niggas dressing like Michael Jackson. 00:05:59 Speaker 1: Every nigga want to be Michael Jackson. 00:06:03 Speaker 2: Only white women get to be Michael Jackson. Unfortunately, sorry to the estate of Michael Jackson. When he left here, he was a white woman. All you niggas with these 4C hairs and these big old nigga nostrils trying to be Michael Jackson when he was at the height of womanhood. The only person that looked like Michael Jackson is Taylor Swift. And I'm tired of niggas dressed like Where's Waldo. No black man needs to be Where's Waldo, nigga. They know where you at. They looking for you all the fucking time. How the fuck you gonna hide? That's why Waldo had to be white. He gotta be white. Nobody looking for a white nigga dressed like Freddy Krueger. But they looking for niggas in regular shit. I saw seven niggas dressed as Where's Waldo. What's going on? Is that how y'all think you're gonna hide from ICE? 00:06:51 Speaker 3: Huh? 00:06:52 Speaker 1: Because a lot of them was Haitian. 00:06:53 Speaker 2: Whoa. Yeah, I thought y'all visas was up. Y'all visas is up, but somehow I got a Haitian nigga. 00:07:01 Speaker 1: I vowed never to go back over there. But this nigga dick me down. 00:07:04 Speaker 2: With his little voodoo dick. And he don't know I'm two seconds from calling Immigration, ICE, Nicki Minaj, and all of them. You keep fucking around with me, nigga, I'll get you the fuck up out of here. Sapa say. Who dressed up as what for Halloween? 00:07:27 Speaker 5: You had Kiki and her son. They were Michael and Janet from Scream. 00:07:31 Speaker 1: Kiki! 00:07:32 Speaker 2: I love Kiki as a mother. I know they think I hate Kiki because I be talking about Kiki. 00:07:38 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:07:39 Speaker 1: But I talk about Kiki because Kiki always doing something. Kiki everywhere. 00:07:43 Speaker 2: Always on television somewhere talking about, I don't know, everybody has to have an opinion. Bitch, you got one. Let us have one. 00:07:52 Speaker 1: Can I have one? 00:07:54 Speaker 2: We told you to sing and dance, bitch. Nobody told you to have an opinion. Here you come crouching on my space. If I could sing and dance, bitch, I'd be doing what you do. I can't sing, nor can I dance. Go sing, dance. I can act, bitch. I'll see you on the set. But let me have the opinions. You got to have an opinion. You got to be everything. And you got the nerve to look good. She look good. I love Kiki. 00:08:17 Speaker 5: Did you see Heidi Klum, her severed hand costume? 00:08:20 Speaker 2: Heidi, what is going on with Heidi Klum? Every time a white woman fucks a black man, she's never the same. We got to see how Chelsea act today when she come in here. You know she had a little bit of black dick hair in there. 00:08:33 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:08:34 Speaker 1:

Heidi, what's up with that outfit? What is in it? Did you see the mess? She looked scary. What is going on in your supermodel head? 00:08:45 Speaker 5: You know, it's that German engineering. 00:08:47 Speaker 1: Is it? 00:08:47 Speaker 2: Yeah. 00:08:48 Speaker 5: They're good at horror. You ever been to Burricon? 00:08:51 Speaker 2: You know I haven't. Have I ever been to what? Burricon? 00:08:56 Speaker 5: Burricon. It's like the nightclub in Berlin. 00:08:58 Speaker 1: No, nigga, what the fuck would I be doing in Berlin? Doing what? 00:09:01 Speaker 2: Talking to Heidi Klum about her next Halloween outfit? I'm not going to no motherfucking Berlin. I barely want to go to Berlin and Curl Factory and you think I'm going to Berlin. But anyway, Heidi, you're one of my favorites. I'd love to get Heidi on the show, too. The show is always me dry begging for who I want on the show. Heidi's always been one of my favorites. 00:09:21 Speaker 5: I don't think we'll be able to get Heidi, but I'm sure we can get Jaguar right. 00:09:25 Speaker 2: Honey. Let me tell you something about Jaguar. You remember when Jaguar came for me? 00:09:30 Speaker 1: That was pre the show. Go back and look in the analytics. 00:09:32 Speaker 2: Jaguar Wright came for me because she was defending me. She was defending, no, I wish I would get this nigga. He talked about me so crazy on his platform, but nigga, I wish I would give you a house. 00:09:46 Speaker 1: Your name will never be said here as long as I can help it. 00:09:50 Speaker 2: And then watch next week, I'll be saying his name. She stood in defense. Jaguar Wright stood in defense. This male comic, black male comic. I'll give you that much hint. And he was coming for me big time, running his mouth. And Jaguar Wright came for me, and this Yamanika. And I said, oh, Jaguar, please don't do that. I'm like one of two people that believe anything that you say. Please don't lose me. And I still fuck with Jaguar, even though she's a piece of work. 00:10:19 Speaker 5: I fuck with her. You saw Chloe dressed up as her. 00:10:21 Speaker 1: Chloe barely came for her in a way. 00:10:23 Speaker 2: Chloe, thank you. Chloe defended me against Jaguar. She didn't even know it. I'm talking about Chloe. You got the acting chops. She stood right in Jaguar's face and said, bitch, I'm coming for you. And you know she managed by Beyonce. And Beyonce is married to who? 00:10:43 Speaker 3: Ove. 00:10:44 Speaker 5: H to the Izzo. 00:10:45 Speaker 2: H to the S-O, V to the S-A. Them Carter's going to get you some kind of howl. Jaguar running her mouth about Jay-Z and didn't Jay-Z come through the spirit of Chloe Bailey? 00:10:59 Speaker 1: She cooked Jaguar good, honey. 00:11:01 Speaker 2: Jaguar, she played you like a fiddle. But she didn't play, Chloe didn't play anybody as bad as Martha Stewart played the homeless. 00:11:13 Speaker 5: Oops. 00:11:13 Speaker 2: Can't call homeless. 00:11:15 Speaker 5: Unhoused. 00:11:15 Speaker 2: The unhoused.

00:11:17 Speaker 1: Fuck that. Them niggas ain't got no home. And this is what's wrong with you niggas now. 00:11:20 Speaker 2: Stop the moving. They don't have a home. You're not going to make me feel bad calling these niggas homeless when they. 00:11:27 Speaker 1: Don't have no home. 00:11:27 Speaker 2: They don't have a fucking home. 00:11:29 Speaker 1: And because you don't want to be part of that, you keep playing games. Oh, they're unhoused. 00:11:34 Speaker 2: Un-motherfucking-house. That sound like homeless. 00:11:37 Speaker 5: Well, they changed it because home is where the heart is. 00:11:40 Speaker 1: I don't give a. 00:11:41 Speaker 2: Fuck if home is where holiday the heart is. Go see that movie, by the way. I think it's playing on Showtime. 00:11:49 Speaker 1: I don't give a fuck. These niggas are homeless. 00:11:54 Speaker 2: Nigga starving. No, he's unfooded. It's like, nigga, you focus on the wrong shit and that's why people are suffering. 00:12:04 Speaker 1: But Martha, you know good and fucking well, bitch. Nobody wanted to see you come up there looking like that, Martha. Martha. 00:12:13 Speaker 5: You know what it is? 00:12:14 Speaker 2: People stop fucking with her. She don't have nobody in the house. It's Grey Gardens over there. 00:12:21 Speaker 1: Nobody's talking to Martha. Couldn't be. 00:12:26 Speaker 2: Because Martha, if I was over there hiring me, Martha, I'm helping white women this month. 00:12:31 Speaker 1: Okay? 00:12:32 Speaker 2: I'm helping all white women for the discount. I got a discount code. It's ChelseaHandler26. 00:12:39 Speaker 1: Okay? 00:12:40 Speaker 2: For all white women, just for this month, I'll come in and I'll be there just to say, whoa, whoa, bitch, no, no, no, bitch. Every white woman need a no, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa. If you pass a certain financial bracket as a white woman, you need a yo, yo, yo, whoa, whoa, whoa. Right? Because some of this shit y'all be doing be crazy. 00:12:58 Speaker 1: Out of pocket. 00:13:00 Speaker 5: Putting dirt on your faces, it gets too close to blackface anyway. 00:13:04 Speaker 2: First of all, Martha, some homeless niggas, I know because I'm fucking them. 00:13:10 Speaker 1: Some of them clean. Yeah. 00:13:13 Speaker 2: What do you call a bitch that fucks an unhoused nigga, huh? Do you have any name for me? 00:13:18 Speaker 5: A saint. 00:13:19 Speaker 2: Yeah, because every time I get to call these niggas homeless, because every time I fuck them, I give them a home through my vagina. 00:13:25 Speaker 5: Huh? 00:13:27 Speaker 2: Even though it's temporary. 00:13:28 Speaker 5: Fostering fuck niggas. 00:13:29 Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm fostering fuck niggas through my vagina. And I know you happy to say that shit. That's why you can't fuck around with Tyree like that. He'll find a way to give you a compliment that's going to insult you when you say it out loud. But can't nobody fuck up Halloween as much as white people? 00:13:51 Speaker 1: Not this nigga at my favorite place dressed like a nigga. Play the shit. 00:13:56 Speaker 6: So I met Dave and Buster's tonight. Hello, TikToker, Internet, everybody. I got kicked out of here after I ordered a beer like this in the spirit of Halloween. I'm a sincere gentleman and I'm being followed out right now. by management because I tried to order a beer and got told I was racist. Let's all let the internet know that liberals did this to me. 00:14:21 Speaker 2: No, nigga, you did it to yourself. You decided to be racist and then try to put it with a holiday. 00:14:29 Speaker 5: Right? 00:14:30 Speaker 2: You need to go over where they, whatever the Dirty Pete or whatever they doing in Sweden or Australia, wherever the fuck Black Pete or whatever they be getting a nigga out of a chimney, go over there because they support the shit. And I'm proud of Wayne, New Jersey. 00:14:44 Speaker 1: I'm proud of you. 00:14:46 Speaker 2: Some of the most racist. 00:14:47 Speaker 1: Experiences I ever had was in Wayne, New Jersey. 00:14:49 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:14:51 Speaker 2: I almost thought Wayne, New Jersey was a sundown town. So I paid. 00:14:56 Speaker 1: So Wayne, New Jersey, look at you. 00:14:58 Speaker 2: Anytime you can get them Wayne, New Jersey crackers to be tidy or shit, when it's too racist for them, you know you went too far. Oh, I just went. They're kicking me out because I decided to get a drink and I ate like this. 00:15:11 Speaker 1: Oh, yeah, yeah. Who you dressed up as? Who you supposed to be? 00:15:16 Speaker 5: Huh? 00:15:18 Speaker 1: Who you supposed to be? 00:15:19 Speaker 2: That'll indicate who the fuck you are. White people love doing this. Like I don't, and the liberal, no nigga, we don't want it. Cause you don't even look good. I think if you want it to really go and look good. Fine, right? 00:15:37 Speaker 4: Fine. 00:15:37 Speaker 2: You want to put the, sure, the makeup. Not every black person is going to agree, but if I see somebody really trying to put the art into putting the beauty into it, but y'all put that paint on your fucking face, you act like every nigga look like that, and you trying to make fun. 00:15:50 Speaker 1: Of our looks. And not on my watch. 00:15:54 Speaker 2: You not going to make fun of black as long as we looking at white, okay? Because whatever the fuck you think is going over there, we looking at y'all pasty asses wondering what the fuck is going on with y'all. OK, raw ass, uncooked, unseasoned Purdue chicken. If we want to start talking about who the fuck is ugly. And that's why you don't do the shit. If anything, that fucking makeup was an improvement. 00:16:23 Speaker 5: Speaking of Purdue chicken. 00:16:25 Speaker 2: I want to see how you're going to segue this. 00:16:27 Speaker 5: Chick-fil-A CEO is in the news right now. 00:16:29 Speaker 2: Oh, my God, he did it. 00:16:33 Speaker 1: Oh, my God. He produced. 00:16:39 Speaker 5: Do you want to hear? He's talking about LGBTQI issues. I thought this might be.

00:16:43 Speaker 2: Please play it. 00:16:44 Speaker 5: All right. 00:16:45 Speaker 4: They were protesting. They were boycotting Chick-fil-A. Chick-fil-A, they don't stand with the LGBTQ plus community. What would you say to those folks? 00:16:54 Speaker 7: Well, for anybody that hadn't tried us. we'd love for you to come try and have our great taste in food and the hospitality that we're known for. I think that everybody that will be willing to walk in the door, they'll see that they're welcome to come eat with us. We'd love to give them a great taste in sandwich and give them a great hospitality. 00:17:09 Speaker 4: You don't want to talk about that chapter in Chick-fil-A's history. 00:17:12 Speaker 7: We're focused on serving everybody that come in and eat with us. 00:17:14 Speaker 4: The company's official position on equal rights is? 00:17:18 Speaker 7: We're focused on hospitality, serving great taste in food and great service. 00:17:22 Speaker 2: Not good enough. Not good enough. Not if you want the gays to eat your fucking chicken wings and fingers. 00:17:33 Speaker 1: Not good enough. No, I'm not. 00:17:34 Speaker 2: If I'm gay and you're not standing with me knowing that we need people to stand. 00:17:40 Speaker 1: I mean, not me. 00:17:42 Speaker 2: I'm not gay yet. 00:17:46 Speaker 5: You're still eating the chicken. 00:17:47 Speaker 1: I'm still eating the chicken. 00:17:49 Speaker 2: Because so far, they haven't really said anything about Black people. 00:17:53 Speaker 5: Besides my pleasure. 00:17:55 Speaker 2: And then our lives are the problem. I'm the problem, right? As long as it's just the gays, I can still smack my fingers to that tasty ass. And they got a macaroni and cheese that'll knock your socks off. And they got a frosted lemonade. 00:18:10 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:18:13 Speaker 1: But no, fuck Chick-fil-A. 00:18:16 Speaker 2: You know what? I'm going to stand with the community just for one month. Let's take it one month at a time. But I'm going to stand. No Chick-fil-A. 00:18:25 Speaker 3: No. 00:18:26 Speaker 2: Until the end of the year, no Chick-fil-A. 00:18:28 Speaker 3: No. 00:18:29 Speaker 2: It's not good enough for you to be like, oh, we're focused on hospital. I'm sure you are because your bottom line is you need everybody's money while you don't support everybody. 00:18:37 Speaker 5: Right? 00:18:38 Speaker 2: We understand why you have hospitality and you're willing to let gays sit down in your establishment because the gays are coming with money. They ain't too gay to give you money, but they. 00:18:50 Speaker 1: Too gay for you to give them support. 00:18:53 Speaker 2: And it's not like you're giving support to let the gays take over. It's can we help resource for gays who don't have the resources that they need because of discrimination against homosexuality? Yeah. Some of the things they have to face in their own families and own communities because they are gay. That's what we need support to. 00:19:14 Speaker 1: Equity for that. Same thing when we're talking about black people. 00:19:20 Speaker 2: How do you not support? I don't understand how you're not supporting it. Even by proxy, you should be putting into shit that by proxy is supporting LGBTQ plus IA, black women disenfranchised. We have to stop that shit. He can sit there and laugh because it's so, as we've seen with this current administration, we are not far away from slavery. 00:19:52 Speaker 1: We're not. 00:19:55 Speaker 2: Like, the hate that a lot of white people are showing for black people, for people of color that's seeping out, where did that come from? That means it was always there. Not like it just sprouted in. It's been either laying dormant, because a lot of white people, when they go home, they can be as racist as, fuck, because nobody's holding them accountable. I have a bunch of white friends that are always telling me, I know my nana, she calls people a nigger. And then they want me to be like, well, fuck your nana. 00:20:22 Speaker 1: But no, you don't get it. My nana, she, no, fuck your nana. 00:20:26 Speaker 2: You like your nana? 00:20:27 Speaker 1: Good for you. Fuck your nana. And then why aren't you telling that? 00:20:30 Speaker 2: My grandfather used to say all kinds of wild shit out of his mind when he had dementia and shit like that. 00:20:34 Speaker 1: And we was like, nah, don't be saying that. No, Pop. You can't say that shit. 00:20:39 Speaker 2: We outside. 00:20:40 Speaker 1: Get it together. 00:20:41 Speaker 2: So if I can say something to my grandfather, you can say something to your fucking nana. Fuck that bitch. Anyway, what's next? 00:20:52 Speaker 5: Ava DuVernay has come under fire for using AI in her latest documentary, 14th. 00:20:57 Speaker 3: The tools that the artists use to do the parallax and the animation and the films have that technology in it, as does Pro Tools with sound, as does Avid with editorial, as does Resolve with color. I think we've come to a place in filmmaking where we have to be really sober about the ways in which that technology is across so much of the workflow. And so, you know, we didn't use it to kind of fabricate a person and make an avatar of a person or, you know, approximate someone's voice that said something they didn't say. We actually animated some photos that are in the public domain. And from what we've been hearing from people, it does bring people closer to that time in history, which was our goal. So people have to see it and check it out for themselves and make their decisions about how they feel. 00:21:43 Speaker 2: I can't really say anything about Ava because I'm trying to get in something with Ava. Ava, but you gotta, I gotta do it, right? I get, what is this episode? 00:21:53 Speaker 3: Huh? 00:21:54 Speaker 2: This is my birthday episode. This is the birth of me, birthing me in all these fucking weird ass situations. I don't want to compromise my own fucking integrity. Ava, you can't do that.

Somebody said they was hearing material of mine. These AI comedians, I live the shit that I'm talking about and then somebody's just going to replicate that through fucking AI? I knew how crazy it was. I was putting out lives and some guy was just going around videotaping my lives and some other comedians' lives and putting it up on his page. 00:22:22 Speaker 1: To stream as revenue for him. 00:22:25 Speaker 2: Anything that comes from my mind, my body, my spirit, that belongs to me. We are already compromising in this business as it is. You got to sell a little bit of this and sell that. 00:22:35 Speaker 1: Oh, I got to sell. 00:22:36 Speaker 2: I want to sell my story. Then you got to give the production crew something. You got to give the network that's going to buy you something. You don't own yourself outright. And then now we're just a lot. Ava, you can't. You can't. You cannot stand and support that. Not you. Maybe me and my fucking foolishness, I'm not affecting the world. 00:22:57 Speaker 1: She's affecting the world. 00:23:02 Speaker 2: She's way more advanced than I am. And I got to meet her backstage in one of those award shows. And I'm telling you, she has a beautiful spirit about her. Her aura around her, she looks clean inside and out. Let's hope this, let's just keep our eyes on this. I don't know what to make of it. 00:23:23 Speaker 5: And she was reanimating or animating photographs that were already taken using AI. 00:23:32 Speaker 2: I don't know. Sometimes I don't. 00:23:35 Speaker 1: I need. 00:23:37 Speaker 2: I just think it's a slippery slope. 00:23:39 Speaker 5: Yeah. 00:23:40 Speaker 2: But again, like I tell you, I have my own relationship with Claude. 00:23:43 Speaker 5: DeMarcus, yeah. 00:23:44 Speaker 2: Yeah, DeMarcus. He's helping me. 00:23:46 Speaker 5: Do you know Jada Chiefs? 00:23:49 Speaker 2: She is a... One of the baddies, right? 00:23:53 Speaker 5: She is Lil Baby's baby mother. 00:23:57 Speaker 2: I knew these littles were going to get us in trouble. Lil Baby's... The Baby? 00:24:02 Speaker 5: Lil Baby. 00:24:04 Speaker 2: It's not the same as The Baby? 00:24:05 Speaker 5: No, no. The Baby is... He was with Megan. Lil Baby is Lil Baby. He was with Quality Control, Migos, all of them. 00:24:13 Speaker 2: Wait a minute. It was more than three Migos? 00:24:15 Speaker 4: Yes. 00:24:16 Speaker 5: It was three Migos, but the label they were signed to also signed Lil Baby. Not to be confused with Baby from Cash Money. 00:24:25 Speaker 2: Who's DaBaby? 00:24:26 Speaker 5: No, DaBaby was the dark-skinned short one from North Carolina. 00:24:35 Speaker 2: Why the fuck can't these niggas just come up with a different name? I don't understand why everybody got to be some version of DaBaby. Is it because they was fucked up in foster care or what happened? 00:24:43 Speaker 5: I think you got to blame John Singleton, Baby Boy. 00:24:46 Speaker 2: I'm sick of this shit. And it started with my generation. No, yeah, it did

with all that little shit. Look at little Kim. You's a grown ass Kim now. 00:24:59 Speaker 1: Huh? 00:24:59 Speaker 2: There's no more little shit. 00:25:01 Speaker 3: Huh? 00:25:02 Speaker 1: Little Richard. The baby. I'm the baby, baby, baby. 00:25:06 Speaker 2: And that's why all you niggas is running around here like undeveloped toddlers. 00:25:12 Speaker 5: Well, Jada was encouraging her audience to vote during midterms, but admitted that she hadn't voted since the Obama era. Unfortunately, If we were to believe Jada's age, she wouldn't have been able to vote during the Obama era. 00:25:25 Speaker 2: I don't even want to know that I know this girl because I'm proxy to some nigga that she knew by having a baby with some nigga that kind of knew him that was on a record label that knew somebody. You know, let me tell you guys something. I post these clips from the show. They be like, oh, why is she talking? What is her opinion? Why does she have an opinion? 00:25:45 Speaker 1: And some of the people you listen to? Some of the people. 00:25:49 Speaker 2: You listen to, and you got the nerve to boo me. 00:25:54 Speaker 1: Mary J. 00:25:54 Speaker 2: Blige, listen. Mary had to tell a nigga in the audience, how dare you boo me? How dare you go to a Mary J. Blige concert and boo motherfucking Mary J. Blige at her own concert? 00:26:05 Speaker 1: How dare you? 00:26:07 Speaker 2: You knew Mary wasn't going to move more than that. We all know the songs. You done seen the clips. Mary said she got one, maybe two steps. She booed that bitch. Booed her back. 00:26:23 Speaker 1: Play it. This is where I'm from. 00:26:25 Speaker 2: To the bitch that's booing, you. 00:26:28 Speaker 5: Didn't have to come here. 00:26:29 Speaker 2: So I hope someone sees you and politely remove you. The f * * * you. 00:26:36 Speaker 1: Spend your money for, idiot? 00:26:41 Speaker 2: I can't wait to be. This is my 48th year, ladies and gentlemen. This is about to be me. Mary J. Blige here. That's my Mary J. 00:26:50 Speaker 5: Blige. 00:26:50 Speaker 1: What the fuck did you come here for? 00:26:53 Speaker 5: You know more drama, Mary J. 00:26:54 Speaker 3: Blige? 00:26:54 Speaker 2: I'm talking about the bitch that told that bitch, who the fuck you spending money? 00:26:59 Speaker 1: Boo, bitch, boo. You spent money to come here to boo me, bitch? 00:27:07 Speaker 2: What a fool. 00:27:10 Speaker 1: What a fool. And the people that brought you here, bitch. 00:27:14 Speaker 2: Should be embarrassed. I had a bitch talk through my set last week. I made this bitch cry. It happens a lot, actually. Here's what happens. It's never from me being violent or vicious to you. It's I'm going to make you cry because I'm going to destroy your soul and in the most calm way you've ever seen. Mm-hmm. I'm doing a show. The audience is having an amazing time. There are two girls on the side talking through the entire thing and I'm doing my best not to address them because I know once I address them, I'm going to kill their soul. And sometimes when a larger black woman has to kill the souls of two white women, I didn't want to bring that up, but I'm just giving you the thing because of how I have to deal, right? Two white women They're like, oh, please don't be gentle with them, right? They're giving all the grace. But this section hated them so much, I could feel the energy of people going, shh, be quiet, shh, shut up. And I turn, and I go, why are you guys talking? Imagine you come to a show where people have to hear the people on stage in order to enjoy the show, and you would talk through it. It cannot be an assessment of you as a person. It has to be an assessment of your mother and your father and the low-rent character that they have. 00:28:51 Speaker 5: You were failed by your village. 00:28:53 Speaker 2: But even more so, they were failed, right? Because most certainly your grandparents have to be losers. And in order for your parents to be losers and they grew up separately and they came together, then they have parents and grandparents. It's a series of losers, right? 00:29:08 Speaker 3: Right. 00:29:09 Speaker 2: To which you are now holding the crown. You are representing a generation of losers standing on their shoulders, bringing forth the spirit of nothingness. You don't even exist in this world unless you are an inconvenience. Imagine, I never even see you unless you are disruptive. Your entire existence is based upon chaos. 00:29:39 Speaker 5: Eee. 00:29:40 Speaker 2: God chose you to be a loser. And all I can do is just be okay with it, right? Because part of it is I need to have you as a lesson on what not to be. You have to continue to be the trash that you are so that I know what not to be, what to avoid. Unfortunately for the section around you, they can't escape it. So if you could, just for the last five minutes of my set, try not to be trash so that you can stop affecting the people that are sitting around you who have no choice. And then the young woman burst into tears and ran. 00:30:22 Speaker 6: Out of the room. 00:30:27 Speaker 2: What came first, the chicken or me demolishing this bitch's soul? 00:30:35 Speaker 5: You're a great speaker. You might need to run for office. 00:30:38 Speaker 2: It's going to happen. 00:30:39 Speaker 5: I mean, look, we got a ballot for you. Terrence Howard said he might be running for president. 00:30:43 Speaker 2: Terrence Howard. What was the movie he was in? 00:30:48 Speaker 5: He was rapping. 00:30:51 Speaker 2: Hustling and Flowing. Terrence, no, we don't even believe in the choices that you made For partners. 00:30:59 Speaker 3: Right? 00:31:00 Speaker 2: He always in some relationship out of it. Isn't he the one that's running around one Asian woman after the next? 00:31:05 Speaker 1: Yes. 00:31:06 Speaker 2: As long as they not black, right? 00:31:07 Speaker 5: In a new marriage. 00:31:08 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah. 00:31:08 Speaker 2: He's always marrying some new woman.

She's always a problem. Him and Tyree. I mean Tyrese. 00:31:12 Speaker 5: Yeah, let's clear it up. My Shayla, my Shayla. Yo, I was telling somebody. 00:31:26 Speaker 2: Today I said, yo, I can't stand Tyree. But he's my little brother. Like, I love him in a way. The way I can't stand, he gets on my fucking nerves. You get on my fucking nerves, Tyree, but God damn it. If you don't know how to break my bones. Nobody is going to vote for Terrence Howard. Nobody's going to vote for Nicki Minaj. But if I ever throw my hat in the ring, trust me, I've thought it out. Shout out to my friend James Felton Keith, the JFK. 00:31:56 Speaker 5: JFK. 00:31:57 Speaker 2: Who is, you know, he writes a lot of books on data. You can look up JFK's information. He has so many books on data and labor and data. And he does a lot of statistician stuff and research. But he also had his hat in the ring for political office in New York City and in Harlem because and it's been a big inspiration. So I can't tell you that maybe this is the other phase of my life. I'm really happy with where things are for me right now, but also I feel like I'm growing. So maybe there will be a time. I know one thing, I have a lot of problems as everybody does, right? I am susceptible to all of the things. I can be mean, I can be nasty, I can be rude, aggressive. I can have an attitude. I can be petty. I can be jealous. All these things I have to sift out through my spirit. When they come, I have to deal with them so I don't process them and express those demons to the world. I just want everybody to have a good life and a good fucking time. So if you see me run for office, vote for me because a vote for me It's a vote for you. And I guess we'll be back. Welcome back to You're the Problem with Yamanika. I'm Yamanika. And, you know, one of the things I love about doing this podcast and coming here is being able to speak to all of you who are listening out in the airwaves. But how is this even possible that I have an opportunity like this? 00:33:41 Speaker 5: Well. 00:33:42 Speaker 2: It is because of my beautiful, talented, authored, stand-up comedian talk show host, just woman around town, the one, the only Chelsea Handler. 00:33:55 Speaker 1: Hi. I'm so happy to have you here. Come on, let's get into it. I sounded like you were going to introduce D.L. Hughley there. I was like, whoa. I'm just happy to have you. 00:34:05 Speaker 2: I'm happy to just be on the network, the Dear Chelsea Network. I'm just happy to talk with you. We have so much fun. outside of the view of people. 00:34:17 Speaker 1: You love me. We went to a play. Our most recent adventure was we went to a Broadway play, Other Desert Cities. Yes. Yeah, that was good. 00:34:27 Speaker 2: That was a. 00:34:28 Speaker 1: Very calm, mild night for us, by the way. It was. You wanted to continue the night with me, and I had to turn you down. 00:34:34 Speaker 2: You did turn me down. 00:34:35 Speaker 1: I said it was time for me to go back to CPBuy. Sometimes we need, well, we get ready to party. So yeah, I understand. I came here to New York, truth be told, to celebrate Yamanika's 48th birthday. What a friend. I am so sick and tired of her talking about being 47 that I decided to make an event out of her 48th birthday so we can get to the next fucking number. 00:34:57 Speaker 2: Does that mean I can't say 48? 00:34:58 Speaker 1: No, you can say 48. I'm just sick of 47. 00:35:01 Speaker 2: I know you're tired of 47. 00:35:02 Speaker 1: But 47 is a lucky number, just so you know. 47 is a lucky number, especially with me and one of my girlfriends, Zoe. She loves 47. That's her number she looks for. So it's a good number, but it's also a good number to move on from. 00:35:14 Speaker 5: Yes. 00:35:15 Speaker 1: And now 48 is going to be an even better year for you. 00:35:17 Speaker 2: I believe this. 00:35:18 Speaker 1: 48 for me. Almost 50. 00:35:21 Speaker 2: Almost. 00:35:22 Speaker 1: Hopefully done with thinking about having a child. 00:35:24 Speaker 5: Yeah. 00:35:24 Speaker 1: Because she keeps throwing that out there. 00:35:26 Speaker 2: I want a baby. 00:35:27 Speaker 1: No, let's not do this right now. 00:35:30 Speaker 2: Listen, if anything, Chelsea Handler will definitely get you as a woman to not want to have any children if you want to really get out of it. Because you've worked really hard. I was saying to Chelsea the other day, I said this to you. I said, you know what we're missing out on is seeing a replication of ourself, right? And what did you say to me? 00:35:51 Speaker 1: You're a narcissist. 00:35:51 Speaker 5: You're a narcissist. 00:35:53 Speaker 1: I said that's what a narcissist wants is to see a replication of themselves. Sure, but not yet. I mean, I guess you could say so. 00:35:59 Speaker 2: But what I thought was like when I think about my dad and how he has, you know, he had four daughters and we all have these things we look alike in a lot of different ways. He can see like the lineage of himself. I want to say, what would a little Yamanika look like? 00:36:15 Speaker 1: What would a little Chelsea Handler look like? Right. That's a cute idea to think about. But to go ahead and have the baby based on that idea that you want to just see what they would look like isn't really enough juice to have a kid because you want to see what they would look like. Like, I don't want to see that badly. And I can also look at... I can also look at baby pictures to see what I fucking would look like. I mean, first of all, and my baby would just be like a little bitch on wheels, just like her mommy. 00:36:47 Speaker 2: But we want that little bitch. 00:36:48 Speaker 1: I know, but then I have to deal with another little bitch. I already have you to deal with. 00:36:52 Speaker 3: I know. 00:36:52 Speaker 2: I have me to deal with. 00:36:53 Speaker 1: I have so many bitches to deal with. Let me tell you something. I'll be honest. I'll give you something for my

birthday. 00:36:59 Speaker 3: What? 00:37:00 Speaker 1: Is it going to be to stop saying how old you are? 00:37:02 Speaker 2: Okay, maybe not that. 00:37:03 Speaker 5: Okay. 00:37:04 Speaker 2: If we talk about our dynamic, I know I look like the fun one, right? The pleasant one, the always happy one. Chelsea is actually always happy. And I'm quite depressive in our relationship. Nobody thinks you're the happy one. Everybody thinks I'm the happy one. 00:37:17 Speaker 1: You're the fun one. What are you talking about? 00:37:20 Speaker 3: You're the fun one? 00:37:21 Speaker 5: Oh, you. 00:37:21 Speaker 1: Oh, my God. Please tell me who you think going to get the party started. You are the Lulu. We're both going to get the party started. 00:37:26 Speaker 2: Of course, but people think I'm always going to get the party started. 00:37:28 Speaker 1: You're the party. Well, I am the party. 00:37:31 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:37:31 Speaker 1: I'm the party. Soy Fiesta. Soy Fiesta. Just because you say in Spanish, bitch, don't mean you get to out party me. I have always been a party. So I am. I am always. I don't have to go look for a good time because as long as I bring myself there, it's going to be a good time. That's my attitude is I'm the good time. You're also a good time together. It's a little bit dangerous. 00:37:51 Speaker 2: No, for us, I see people notice when we activate, we activate like Wonder Twins. I don't know what happens, but there's a part where we go, we like doing stuff and not everybody can go there with us. You understand? 00:38:04 Speaker 1: Well, when I didn't see you once for a couple, this was a sweet Yamanika story. When I didn't see you a couple, we didn't see each other for a few weeks for whatever reason. Maybe we were on a break from tour. 00:38:14 Speaker 2: Yeah, we were on a break, yeah. 00:38:15 Speaker 1: You're like, I keep trying to hang with people and nobody will hang like we hang. 00:38:18 Speaker 5: Nobody. 00:38:19 Speaker 1: Because people don't want to stay up till 5. like it's 2 in the morning, shit-faced, stoned, and taking whatever's accessible to them. But the two of us will take whatever anybody hands us. 00:38:29 Speaker 2: And wander and be there. 00:38:31 Speaker 1: The end, yes. We are like the improv couple because we always say yes. We'll be like, come downstairs and meet me in the hotel lobby at 2 in the afternoon. Let's get a Moscow Mule. She'll be like, okay. And then she'll say she'll be there in 20 minutes, and then two hours later, guess who's sitting alone drinking a Moscow Mule? Chelsea. 00:38:47 Speaker 2: But I get there. 00:38:48 Speaker 1: Yeah, you do. 00:38:49 Speaker 3: You know? 00:38:50 Speaker 2: In a huff. 00:38:51 Speaker 1: In a huff. In a huff. In a huff. 00:38:53 Speaker 2: But, you know, I have to sit in my hotel room and just ruminate and think. 00:38:58 Speaker 3: And rock. 00:38:58 Speaker 1: She likes to rock back and forth a lot. A lot. 00:39:01 Speaker 2: I want to know...

What problems do you have? Because I think people don't think you have any problems with anything. Really? 00:39:08 Speaker 1: I don't think people think that. 00:39:10 Speaker 2: Well, because whenever, like when I see you on tour and, you know, the women come up to you, you're somebody that people like to defer to. What does Chelsea think? What does Chelsea got going on? We love you, Chelsea. And then you engage with people. So that kind of personality doesn't always get to say, here's the thing that's getting on my nerve. 00:39:26 Speaker 1: So I want you to lay it out here. What's something getting on your nerve? 00:39:29 Speaker 2: What do you think is a problem? 00:39:30 Speaker 1: Oh, I mean, there's so many things that are annoying. I mean, buffets. 00:39:34 Speaker 2: First of all, because you call it buffets. 00:39:36 Speaker 1: That's how I know the bitch got money. Buffets. Buffets. I feel like that is actually a real big pet peeve of mine is being at a buffet and people taking their fucking slow ass time picking out what kind of fucking food they want. Whether it's an airport lounge, which, you know, I'm obviously going to be, I get excited about a breakfast buffet. I get very enthusiastic. I've seen you get really excited. About being at that American Airlines lounge at JFK or LAX. They're not great everywhere, but, and you know, Delta now, they're stepping up their lounge game. They're stepping their game up. But when I see a buffet, I, there is something in me from New Jersey that I have never been able to shed. And that means I want to get after it. You know what I mean? I want to, and when people are at the buffet, they're, and they are taking time, picking out what they want. We're all pigs when there's a buffet. Everyone starts acting a fool, right? We're all trying to get in there and go to town. So when you are taking your fucking time, it just drives me up a wall. It's like, hurry up, get your food, and then come back for seconds. I'm going back for seconds, thirds, and fourths. 00:40:40 Speaker 2: I know that's right. 00:40:41 Speaker 1: And don't have no chicken dumplings. I'm there. That is my favorite way to eat. 00:40:45 Speaker 4: Oh, yeah. 00:40:46 Speaker 1: A chicken potsticker or a chicken dumpling. But it's my favorite way to eat is snacks. Snacks, snacks, snacks. Yeah. You know, and especially when you're on a plane. I don't want to eat airplane food on a plane because that's gross. I will in an emergency situation. 00:40:59 Speaker 2: You and I travel very differently in terms of— Oh, hold on a second. Don't do it. Let's talk about the last time we were on a. 00:41:05 Speaker 1: Plane together with your whatever. Okay, this is what Yamanika does. She has a backpack, and it's got a key ring on it that sounds like Schneider from One Day at a Time is coming down the hallway. I need to know where my keys are. I'm traveling. She travels like she's a janitor. I said there is no person that carries that many keys that

isn't a janitor. It's like... Yeah, I need to know where my keys are. I forget stuff. How many keys do you have? 00:41:30 Speaker 2: I got a couple keys. I got that gate key. I got my apartment key, mailbox key. 00:41:33 Speaker 1: Okay, well, put them somewhere else. 00:41:34 Speaker 2: Yeah, there's a key. 00:41:35 Speaker 1: From my grandparents' church I don't want to get rid of. Okay, well, you can store those someplace. Maybe, but not by my heart. 00:41:41 Speaker 2: It's always with me. 00:41:42 Speaker 1: Well, put it inside you then when you travel. 00:41:43 Speaker 2: Okay, I've tried. 00:41:45 Speaker 1: And then she opens up her backpack. She opens up her backpack on a plane and she's got I don't have any extra room to spare when I'm on a plane. Everything is packed to the max because I'm trying not to check bags. I'm trying to just like, you know, be efficient and have everything I need stuffed in. So even if I take something out, it's like, oh, you know, will I get it back in? 00:42:06 Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:42:07 Speaker 1: She's got a thing of Chex Mix that you would bring to a kid's soccer game to supply the whole team. That's one option of her snack. They don't bring the snacks out fast enough sometimes. And then she's got all sorts of other shit she's whipping out of her bag. 00:42:20 Speaker 2: Yeah, I have the Clorox wipes. I have to have the handy wipes, which you use. I'm always giving you wipes. 00:42:27 Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah. 00:42:27 Speaker 1: I'm not saying I don't use them, but I mean, I'll use them if they're there. But if they're not there, I'm not a germaphobe. I'm like, whatever. I'm not going to freak out. 00:42:33 Speaker 2: But how great did I have them? 00:42:34 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's nice, but I just don't understand how you could carry a Lysol bin like this on a plane. Wait, don't you want to get one of those smaller packages? 00:42:42 Speaker 2: Sometimes that's not available. I have to get what I can get. 00:42:44 Speaker 1: I've seen what you get up to. 00:42:45 Speaker 2: You know what I get up to. 00:42:46 Speaker 1: She loves to go to the store. I love going to the store. And she loves to gather things. I love gathering things. 00:42:51 Speaker 2: I love putting things. 00:42:51 Speaker 1: You might be a hoarder, actually. Yeah, you probably are a hoarder. 00:42:55 Speaker 2: It's a spirit that I've had to get out of this hoarding in my family. 00:42:59 Speaker 1: Okay, well, is that a spirit? I don't think so. 00:43:03 Speaker 2: I like to collect things. 00:43:05 Speaker 1: Yeah, and I can't see. Like the way I collected you. Look how I collected you. 00:43:09 Speaker 2: No, you want to keep moving? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:43:12 Speaker 1: Let's keep moving. I collected her. I have identified eight different personality types with Yamanika. 00:43:18 Speaker 2: Here we go. 00:43:19 Speaker 1: There's Lucy. There's Denzel. The one she loves. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I forgot. We haven't gotten over

these in a while. It is Lucy. 00:43:27 Speaker 2: It's Denzel. Then it's the helpful one. Who's the helpful one? 00:43:30 Speaker 1: Lucy is the one who's sexually attracted to me. Then there's the Roshanda. Roshanda. Roshanda. 00:43:36 Speaker 2: It's very helpful. 00:43:37 Speaker 1: No, Lucy's the helpful one. Roshanda's the sexually attracted to one. Roshanda's the one that gets down. Denzel is right after you smoke a joint when you start talking in a Brooklyn accent. She starts talking like this. I can't even do it. I'm terrible at accents. 00:43:49 Speaker 2: No, because I'm like, listen, this. 00:43:50 Speaker 1: Is how we go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, we're doing it like that. Yeah, tongue doesn't move as well. 00:43:55 Speaker 5: Yeah. 00:43:56 Speaker 1: But there's several other personalities. I'm sure they'll pop up throughout this process today so we can just identify them as we see them. 00:44:02 Speaker 2: Well, you know, the good thing about me is I do compartmentalize my personalities. Well, then why. 00:44:09 Speaker 1: Do I know all about them? 00:44:11 Speaker 2: And then be happy, because not everybody gets to see all seven. 00:44:15 Speaker 1: We don't know that there's only seven or eight. 00:44:18 Speaker 2: It's a number of perfection. 00:44:19 Speaker 1: Seven is a good number, yeah. I like that. 00:44:21 Speaker 2: Let's go with seven. Seven is a number of perfection, too. And some people don't get to see that. But then also people are able to compartmentalize me in certain ways in which I think... Like a lot of times people go, you and Chelsea are friends? Like they're shocked by that. And I always tell people, I say, you know what? When I met this woman, very few people can make me laugh and very few people can get me to calm down enough to have a good time. Honestly, I don't know if I can trust anybody. I don't trust people up front, you know, and I can't be standoffish if I don't like your spirit. 00:44:57 Speaker 1: It's funny. You can be that way, but you can also be very, very sweet to people that you don't know. Very loving and very sweet. And then it turns on a fucking dime and then you are a helium and you are pissed before you arrive. She can be pissed and you can feel her energy coming before it hits the restaurant. And then there's going to be fucking trouble. You can guarantee it. But you can be very sweet and loving. And I like that when you're really sweet and loving. But I love all sides of you because you come as one unit. And I love that anyway. You know, just like I have many sides to myself. We all do. So you have to love the whole... Package. The whole package. In order to really love someone up, you got to love them. 00:45:40 Speaker 2: So it's the Pisces in you, right? I have two really close Pisces friends, you and Andy. That Pisces, because you guys swim with me. I think what I need is I need somebody to swim with me. Sometimes it does get tough over here. 00:45:52 Speaker 1: Sometimes when she swims, she wears a cape also. So that's not a joke. 00:45:56 Speaker 2: I got in the pool one time and I looked sexy with that cape on. 00:45:59 Speaker 1: Yeah, but I've never seen anyone swim with a cape. So not only is your bathing suit getting wet, there's a cape swimming behind her that's soaking wet. It was so sexy. Anyway, yeah. Well, whatever it is, it works if you work it. It's like AA. You have to, like our relationship. It works if you work it. We have to put in effort. It's a lot of effort. And it's a lot of joyfulness. 00:46:22 Speaker 2: Yeah, it is. I think one of the things that I also like, and obviously I'm going to keep bringing it back to our network and bringing it back to what, you know, just the core messaging of you, right? Because this is your network and I know you're very open about people expressing themselves, having their voice, having their space to say, I mean, it may seem odd to people, but this is sort of in line with just me being an outspoken person and you allowing people to have their voices. Like, where does that resonate with you? When did that become... part of your core mission to voice for people? 00:46:59 Speaker 1: Well, I have a lot of privilege in my life, and I'm very aware of it, and I've learned a lot about it as I've had success. I've learned more and more. It's a natural instinct. And then when you learn about what you're supposed to be doing in this world as someone of privilege, then there's a responsibility that comes with that, I think. And so, yeah, I really try to be truthful about that or true to that ideology, you know, to make sure I'm making space for people that might not be able to get that attention. I have a big platform. I want to share it with the world, you know, with the people that I love and the people that deserved. You have a very distinct voice. It was totally so obvious that you needed your own thing and like you've had your own thing. And this is just another shot for you to do your own thing. I mean, with pleasure. Un placer. Con placer. There she go with that Spanish. 00:47:53 Speaker 2: That's right. 00:47:53 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two words a day. 00:47:55 Speaker 2: One of the things I love, can you talk a little bit about your trip and learning and immersing yourself in Spanish? Because I thought that was, that makes me want to go out and adventure like that. 00:48:06 Speaker 1: I went to Madrid for two weeks and went to Spanish school. So I checked into the hotel, and then I would take my little mochia, which is a backpack in Spanish. And I would go to school. I would walk 20 minutes every morning to Spanish school. And then we would only speak Spanish for three hours a day. And I was in fucking heaven. And then I'd go to my Spanish school and then I'd leave Spanish school and I'd go take myself out to some gorgeous restaurant and drink a bottle of white wine by myself and have fresh fish in Madrid. And then I'd study my Spanish. I'd read a book. I was

reading Calamity Club at the time. And I just had the best time with myself. I mean, that's one of the best things about being a woman and getting older is how much you enjoy being with yourself. Once you realize all the things that feed your soul in a really responsible way, like for me, it's reading books. I know that fills me up and makes me feel good. It makes me positive. It makes me feel smarter. I hate being on my phone so much. I don't like that. So I'm always actively trying to do things that will take me away from that. 00:49:10 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:49:12 Speaker 1: And I just think spending time alone as a grown woman, you know, is really fucking fun. You know, the possibilities are endless. 00:49:19 Speaker 2: I'm not really into it. 00:49:20 Speaker 1: Men right now in this moment. I'm not really thinking about men. So that's not taking up a lot of my time. I have to wait for this election to be done. I know this is going to air after the election, but right now I'm not really attracted to men. 00:49:31 Speaker 2: I think you and I both, although we know I had an attraction. 00:49:34 Speaker 1: You have a horniness. 00:49:36 Speaker 2: I have a horniness. 00:49:36 Speaker 1: That I do not have. You are a horny person. But there's such a sexiness to you. Thank you. You know, I think we approach sex in a different way. I believe that you would have sex with me if I was down to have sex with you. But you'd have to be active in it. I keep telling you that. 00:49:54 Speaker 3: I know. 00:49:54 Speaker 1: That's why we're not doing it. Yeah, I know. 00:49:56 Speaker 2: That's the only thing. I don't know how active you would want to be. You'd have to be there. 00:49:59 Speaker 1: But you're not even, yeah. Matching me. You don't even give yourself, you don't even consider yourself to be fluid. And I'm trying to always tell you you are fluid. 00:50:08 Speaker 2: No, if there is a woman in the world that I fall in love with, I'm definitely going to marry that woman and be with that woman. But she has to come with a penis thing attached. Like, I need something digging in there. I've never lost the taste for that. 00:50:22 Speaker 1: Well, it won't be a taste if it's made out of rubber. Yeah, well, I think a lot of people are doing that. It's called a strap-on. Yeah. So we can get you one of those. Who would you be in our relationship? 00:50:34 Speaker 2: Would you be the mask or the femme in it? 00:50:37 Speaker 1: I would be, oh, well, you need a lot of attention, like cuddly, soft attention. So I would probably have to be the man and be the more masculine one and taking care of you. 00:50:48 Speaker 2: Because I don't need that. I know you don't need it. And I always try to pull it out of you, which I think annoys you sometimes. 00:50:55 Speaker 1: Yeah, even when I'm dating someone, she's like, oh. I'm like, I'm done with that. She's like, no, give him another chance. No, give him another chance. 00:51:02 Speaker 3: I know. 00:51:03 Speaker

2: Because Chelsea, you run around, oh, I'm done, I'm done. But give the love a little bit of a C. You and I are two far ends. I'm all in and you're ready to be out. 00:51:13 Speaker 1: I always have one foot out the door. You got to keep one foot in. Why? 00:51:18 Speaker 2: Because then you got to have the risk, the vulnerability that they might fuck up and your heart might get broken. 00:51:24 Speaker 1: Yeah, well, I'm not taking any dating advice from. 00:51:27 Speaker 3: You right now. 00:51:28 Speaker 1: Maybe in the future, I hope that there comes a time where I will take advice from you, where you've shown and demonstrated. No, I'm telling you. You've demonstrated a responsible way of behaving within relationships. Then I will take advice from you. But basically, I know your listeners, what they've heard. I because I've listened to this podcast. You do listen. And Chelsea listens to this podcast, guys. Of course I do. No, of course you do. I know you do. 00:51:51 Speaker 2: But sometimes people don't have to. 00:51:53 Speaker 1: And they won't. But you do. And because of that, I know that your listeners know pretty much all of the stuff I know. Maybe not all the details, but I know enough to know that I am not taking any fucking advice from you about dating. In this fucking century, okay? 00:52:10 Speaker 2: Chelsea always changes the name of our groups, whatever chat group we're in, to whatever guy I'm dealing with that's a bum. And it becomes his name until I. 00:52:20 Speaker 1: Get sick of it. Yeah, yeah. And then she's not allowed to say... I can't tell you how many times, how many times she says, I'm done. This is it. No, this is it. This is how you know she's not done when you hear the words, I'm done. That's the opposite of being done because there's a high rate of recidivism. 00:52:39 Speaker 2: How would you know if. 00:52:39 Speaker 1: I don't tell you? Because I already know what you're up to. I know what you're up to. So I really what I really want for you is for you to meet someone and you can and have a nice, healthy, normal relationship that provides you with the love and the security that you would be that you would welcome. But I mean, I think we have a little bit. We need a little bit of downtime for that because you need to fill up your reservoir of self-love. 00:53:09 Speaker 2: Chelsea, I love you. 00:53:11 Speaker 1: I love you, too. 00:53:12 Speaker 2: And I thank you for this opportunity, for having me on your network, really letting me. It's a big deal. You rolled out with me. That's a big risk. 00:53:22 Speaker 4: Yeah. 00:53:22 Speaker 2: And a big deal. And we do appreciate it. And thank you. And I'm going to tell you from the bottom of my heart, stand with you. I'm saying that publicly. I've said that to you privately. 00:53:32 Speaker 1: I stand with you. I'm glad we have a summer recording. 00:53:37 Speaker 2: No, because you know what? I'm going to be true. I think you're an amazing person. And I know as

a woman, we don't always get our flowers. Especially when we're standing up and being very vocal and defiant in a lot of ways to people. We don't get our flowers. So thank you for that. I can't never say I don't fuck with you. I fuck with you the. 00:53:56 Speaker 1: Hard way and long way. 00:53:59 Speaker 3: I love it. 00:53:59 Speaker 2: Will you stay with us after this segment? We're going to do some listener letters. 00:54:02 Speaker 1: Sure, I'd love to. 00:54:03 Speaker 6: All right. 00:54:04 Speaker 2: We'll be back. 00:54:04 Speaker 1: Welcome back. 00:54:09 Speaker 2: Welcome back. So you're the problem with Yamanika. I don't think I'm the problem this week. And I know for sure the lady next to me is not the problem. But we hope Tyree to deal with some people's problems today. 00:54:23 Speaker 3: Right. 00:54:23 Speaker 1: We're doing our favorite part of the show, which is the listener letters. 00:54:26 Speaker 2: What do we got? 00:54:27 Speaker 4: All right. 00:54:27 Speaker 5: The first one's from the birthday bill collector. She says, happy birthday. I'm a girl. Tell me if I'm cheap. or if my friend is running a birthday Ponzi scheme. Every year, her birthday means a flight, a matching outfit, and a dinner where we all somehow split her meal. This year, I said I could do dinner but couldn't afford the trip. She told me to start budgeting for the friendships I value. Meanwhile, she celebrated my birthday by reacting to my Instagram story. Do I owe her a conversation or can I just owe her nothing? 00:54:53 Speaker 1: Yeah, tell, well, both. A conversation or nothing. But tell her to, yeah, you definitely should tell her what's up. Unless you don't feel like it. That's bullshit. I don't like that when people expect you. First of all, people are in tons of different financial situations. So it's unfair to demand something that you're not even giving in the first place. She's giving her an Instagram. I hate that. It's like being a bridesmaid. You know, when they expect you to like come and you have to buy all this stuff and like not everybody can afford that. 00:55:20 Speaker 2: Not everybody. And sometimes people just don't want to be a part of it, to be honest, when people set up too much expectation on it. 00:55:28 Speaker 1: I mean, I don't know. It's worth a conversation initially. And then if she's a bitch about it, I think then you're like, OK, peace out. 00:55:37 Speaker 2: Yeah, but I don't know. I mean, I don't know. We don't, like, we keep talking about our friendship, right, because you're here. It's like, we don't navigate like that. You took me to Mallorca. You took care of everything. You know what I mean? When I went to Mallorca, we had a great time. 00:55:49 Speaker 1: Yeah, and you got me a thank you gift. She gave me a rock when she left. Come on, it was a beautiful fucking rock. No, no, no, you know what you gave me? She gave me an ashtray when she left because guess who smokes? Dominica. So my gift was an ashtray at

my house. 00:56:08 Speaker 2: That's not why I got you the damn ashtray. 00:56:10 Speaker 1: It was a gorgeous ashtray. It is a gorgeous ashtray. 00:56:12 Speaker 2: It just happened to be an ashtray. And I said, she gonna think I got it because I need to. Now, did I ash in it? 00:56:17 Speaker 1: Sure. But that's because it's also ashtray. 00:56:21 Speaker 2: Yeah, tell your friend to go fuck herself. I can't afford to go to your birthday party. This is how I can celebrate it. Your friendship should not be based upon what you can and cannot do with your friend. Some people can do it. Some people can't. 00:56:32 Speaker 1: Happy birthday, bitch. 00:56:33 Speaker 5: Yeah. 00:56:33 Speaker 1: Way more about the effort than monetary. Also, if you're making an effort, there's a way to make efforts, you know, in relationships without having it be monetary. So like that shouldn't be the only sign that you, you know, like you should have to demonstrate financially that you're a good friend to someone. 00:56:47 Speaker 2: That's not fair. 00:56:48 Speaker 1: No, it's not fair. All right. 00:56:50 Speaker 2: We killed that. 00:56:50 Speaker 5: All right. This next one is from his mama's plus one. Happy birthday. I've been dating my boyfriend for eight months and his mother loves me. She invites me everywhere, calls me to gossip and already refers to me as her daughter in law. The problem, I'm about to break up with her son. He's inconsistent, boring and somehow always asleep when the check comes. His mom and I have concert tickets next month. And honestly, she paid for better seats than he's ever bought me. And I keep the mother and return the man or does the whole family have to go? 00:57:20 Speaker 1: I say keep the mother and return the man. You're going to have a better time with his mom anyway, it sounds like. 00:57:25 Speaker 2: Let me tell you something. The mother's only nice to you because you're keeping him at bay. She's sick of him, too. I'm telling you. That's why the mother's doing all of that. She knows her son's a loser, so she has to step up her game in order to make him more appealing. Yeah, just fuck the mother. 00:57:42 Speaker 1: Or introduce the mother to Yamanika and see if we can set them up. 00:57:47 Speaker 2: Yeah, if your mother buying concert tickets. I've offered to eat Chelsea out for less. 00:57:53 Speaker 1: This is a lie. She's never offered to eat me out. And please don't even use that phrase, eat out. 00:57:59 Speaker 4: It's so gross. 00:58:00 Speaker 1: It's called going down on someone. Okay, show some respect, please, to the iHeart and their studios. 00:58:09 Speaker 2: Eat out. 00:58:10 Speaker 1: Eat out. Who came up with that phrase, I'm going to eat you out? 00:58:13 Speaker 3: Gross. Gross. 00:58:15 Speaker 1: Same person who came up with suck a dick. Like, fuck. Isn't there a nicer, softer way to say, I'm going to go down on you? Like, I'm going to go visit your Pikachu. 00:58:24 Speaker 2: Pikachu. 00:58:25 Speaker 1: Pikachu. That would be cuter. Somebody said, ding dong, Pikachu. 00:58:29 Speaker 5: Listen. 00:58:30 Speaker 1: And then you just lie down and wait for it? 00:58:31 Speaker 2: I'm not going to say how. 00:58:35 Speaker 1: What happened to you just now? You just fell apart at the seams. What is this? This is what it's like with her. It's like a 24-hour storm cycle. You don't know what the fuck is around the corner. 00:58:46 Speaker 3: One of. 00:58:47 Speaker 2: My favorite times in my life is being in a car with Chelsea. It is one of the most, if you have an opportunity to be in a car with her, it's one of the. 00:58:58 Speaker 5: Most fun times. 00:58:59 Speaker 2: You, me, Carlos. The adventures, the buckies. 00:59:03 Speaker 1: Carlos is a friend of ours that works with us who cannot drive. 00:59:06 Speaker 5: And he. 00:59:12 Speaker 1: And Yamanika, for good reason, is very scared of driving. And she also has a lot of stuff going on with her keys and her snacks. So when you look in the backseat, like if you're driving for more than 20 minutes, it feels like you went to Disneyland from, it feels like you drove from New Jersey to Orlando. Like that's what she can do to a car. In the time it would take you to get from New Jersey to Orlando. 00:59:40 Speaker 5: No, I'm filling it with shit. 00:59:42 Speaker 1: It's just 30 seconds. And it's like they say in Spanish, la tormenta, una storm. 00:59:47 Speaker 2: I need my traveling snacks. 00:59:49 Speaker 1: I know. 00:59:49 Speaker 2: I need my. 00:59:50 Speaker 1: I know, but you don't even eat them. It's like it's just nervous energy. You're like everything's a bite here, a bite there. 00:59:56 Speaker 2: I'm going to play you and I'm going to play you hard. 00:59:59 Speaker 5: Oh, yeah? Yeah. 01:00:00 Speaker 2: Chelsea has a traveling pack also. So I had acid reflux really bad one day. 01:00:08 Speaker 1: Notice the change of voice. Now she's in another character. 01:00:11 Speaker 2: No, because I'm about to get you. 01:00:13 Speaker 1: She has acid. 01:00:15 Speaker 2: Reflux medicine on her. Don't let her act like she's not prepared for life. 01:00:20 Speaker 3: I am. 01:00:20 Speaker 1: I'm a farm-to-table gynecologist. That's why I'm prepared for life. I've got all the medicine in case of an emergency. 01:00:26 Speaker 5: Yes. 01:00:26 Speaker 1: But snacks are not my strong suit. 01:00:29 Speaker 2: But then guess whose hand keeps going in the back. 01:00:32 Speaker 1: Holding it out, looking for shit. Let's talk about the first time I gave you MDMA. Remember that? You loved it. 01:00:39 Speaker 2: It was a stealing. 01:00:39 Speaker 1: She goes, what is this? I go, just take it. You're going to like it. 01:00:42 Speaker 2: No, it went into my, immediately I saw everything in Technicolor. And like everything was moving like a lava lamp. 01:00:50 Speaker 1: And I wanted to touch everyone and everything. 01:00:54 Speaker 2: I just wanted to be close to it. 01:00:57 Speaker 1:

And then the next day she goes, I don't know what that was, but I need that every day. 01:01:01 Speaker 4: Every day. 01:01:02 Speaker 2: Do you got some spray on you today? 01:01:03 Speaker 3: I do. 01:01:05 Speaker 1: I brought you some. 01:01:05 Speaker 4: Thank you. 01:01:06 Speaker 2: Hit me quick with it. 01:01:07 Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 01:01:08 Speaker 2: It's for nighttime, really. 01:01:09 Speaker 1: I mean, do you really need to feel that way during the day when you're walking around getting your shit done? 01:01:13 Speaker 2: There's places. I told Chelsea, there's no way people don't see us at nighttime and think we're a lesbian couple. They're going to be like, we saw Chelsea and there was some black woman hanging on her like a chia pet. 01:01:27 Speaker 1: But you know what's really surprising is how weak you are. You know, because I can beat the shit out of you. You cannot beat me. I told you I'm. 01:01:36 Speaker 2: Going to go to jail if I really commit. 01:01:37 Speaker 1: Every single time we have wrestled, especially when you're compromised at night, when you've had a couple drinks. 01:01:43 Speaker 2: No, you can't take me down. 01:01:45 Speaker 1: You're surprisingly strong. You're very strong. I don't know what it is about your damn bones. They strong as hell. She lifted me off the ground. I'm not even kidding you. She lifted my big ass off the ground. With pleasure. 01:01:59 Speaker 2: You got to watch these New Jersey bitches to tell you how to get down. 01:02:01 Speaker 4: That's right. 01:02:02 Speaker 1: Yeah, me and Snooki, watch out. 01:02:03 Speaker 2: Yeah, watch out. Well, I'm from Be More, bitch. Be more careful. 01:02:07 Speaker 1: Okay, okay. 01:02:08 Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, okay. 01:02:09 Speaker 5: Don't forget. 01:02:09 Speaker 1: She has a mean look in her eye, but she can't back it up with her physical strength. She can give you crazy eyes, but then when you come at her, she's like, whoopsie doodle. She goes, you're pretty strong for a white bitch. What did you say that one day? You're pretty strong for a white, as if white girls aren't strong. 01:02:25 Speaker 3: Oh, my God. 01:02:26 Speaker 1: She keeps trying to get me to say that one thing about the crackers. 01:02:28 Speaker 2: Remember? 01:02:29 Speaker 3: Oh. 01:02:30 Speaker 1: What was I saying? You got crack. 01:02:34 Speaker 2: No, I said, oh, you stepped on some crackers. 01:02:36 Speaker 1: Don't step on that cracker cracker. That's what she said to me. When I spilled crackers somewhere and she goes, don't step on that cracker, cracker. And then she said it to everybody like it was a part of my routine. 01:02:46 Speaker 2: It was pretty funny. 01:02:48 Speaker 4: I am a cracker. All right. 01:02:49 Speaker 2: Listen, I don't know if we helped the young lady. 01:02:53 Speaker 1: I doubt it. 01:02:54 Speaker 2: We doubt. 01:02:55 Speaker 1: I mean, if people are calling in here for help. 01:02:57 Speaker 2: Don't you say it, girl. 01:02:58

Speaker 5: Okay. 01:03:00 Speaker 2: You call in here for help. You're going to get it. 01:03:02 Speaker 1: You do give good. 01:03:03 Speaker 4: Advice, actually. 01:03:04 Speaker 1: I do. You just don't take your own advice. 01:03:06 Speaker 4: I don't. 01:03:07 Speaker 1: And you and Tyree got a lot in common with that. Oh, I'm surprised. Look what good advice you gave. Like, I came crawling out of a fucking monster rally. 01:03:16 Speaker 2: You know, it's like, come on. Anyway, sorry you had to see a lot of personalities today. She brings it out of me. 01:03:23 Speaker 1: But wait, let's go review the, what are the other, so it's Denzel, Roshanda, Lucy, and then, oh, Encela! Encela, which is her gaming personality. When she's gaming and she's got, she's so laser focused on the games. And she does this a lot in the backseat of the car when we're driving. And she, you can't fuck with her then either. 01:03:42 Speaker 4: No, you can't. 01:03:43 Speaker 1: She's pissed and she's a bitch when she's playing games. That's how I know. 01:03:47 Speaker 2: I'm competitive. 01:03:48 Speaker 1: Yeah, but you're playing. Who are you playing with anyway? 01:03:50 Speaker 2: Who doesn't matter? Why are they playing if we're not going to win? 01:03:52 Speaker 1: Is anyone else even playing though? Sure, there are. 01:03:55 Speaker 2: Sometimes it's children. Sometimes it's adults. Who knows? I've asked you to play. 01:03:59 Speaker 1: I don't want to play games with you. I know. This is another thing about you. This is actually a problem that I want to discuss here. Oh, now. This is a problem with Yamanika. 01:04:07 Speaker 2: This is her network, so we get to do it. But here she comes with this. 01:04:09 Speaker 1: This is a problem with us and our friendship. You don't seem to take into account the things that I like. You want to always do activities together, but you want to do activities that you know that I'm not interested in doing. So a good friend would know, oh, like I knew you would have a good time in Mallorca because you'd have to be an idiot not to have a good time there. I knew it would be fun. 01:04:32 Speaker 2: You knew I could kayak and I love doing that. 01:04:35 Speaker 1: You know I love the water. I know she loves the water. And we were in the water. She loves the water. Because we both love the water. 01:04:39 Speaker 2: One of my favorite things about her is that she loves the water so much. We were in the water at like midnight in Mallorca. 01:04:44 Speaker 1: Oh, that was really fun. Just floating around, having fun, talking. Bitch, we like the same shit. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. But there's a little extra that I'd like you to get into. So today, she says, do you want to go with me to Marshall's? 01:04:55 Speaker 2: Why wouldn't you want to go to Marshall's? 01:04:56 Speaker 1: Because I don't want to ever go there. And then the other activity that she keeps asking me or wondering when we're going to do together is Dave and Buster's. Dave and Buster's is a sentence or a phrase that I don't ever want to hear about again. I... I don't like arcades. I don't like video games. I am an adult woman, and I don't do any of that stuff. I don't want to go win prizes or raffles or whatever the fuck goes on at David Buster's. You haven't given it a chance. 01:05:22 Speaker 2: That's where children have birthday parties. 01:05:24 Speaker 3: Sure. Right? 01:05:24 Speaker 1: So that's not me. 01:05:25 Speaker 2: And what if you go and you find and discover. 01:05:28 Speaker 1: What, Chuck E. 01:05:28 Speaker 3: Cheese? 01:05:28 Speaker 1: I've been to Chuck E. Cheese. That means I've been to David Buster's. 01:05:31 Speaker 4: Oh, it's not. 01:05:31 Speaker 2: No, you haven't. No, David Buster's is doing something different. 01:05:33 Speaker 1: But I'm just saying, you don't ever take into account my desires. 01:05:35 Speaker 2: Didn't I tell you I wanted to watch you ski? I'm going to go do that. 01:05:39 Speaker 1: That's cute. 01:05:39 Speaker 5: Yeah. 01:05:40 Speaker 2: I don't even want to fucking ski. I'm going to watch you do whatever you do. 01:05:43 Speaker 1: Yeah, but you can't really watch someone ski. 01:05:45 Speaker 2: I thought I could sit in the little thing you told me. 01:05:46 Speaker 1: What do I just ski around in a circle? Like I'm going down the hill. You're either at the top of the hill or the bottom of the hill. You can't just like watch someone on a monorail ski up and down the thing. You can't really watch me ski. You can, you know. 01:05:57 Speaker 2: And you're just now telling me this just now? I'm already committed to go again. Well, it just doesn't make any sense. But that's just, I'm already going. So what am I going to do? 01:06:03 Speaker 1: I guess you'll just watch other people come in from skiing. No, you're going to come move with me to Whistler for the winter because I feel like this place is unsafe. The world is unsafe until we get this loser out of the White House. 01:06:19 Speaker 2: My God. 01:06:20 Speaker 1: And I need to protect you. 01:06:22 Speaker 2: Ladies and gentlemen, for my birthday, can we please just get together, right? 01:06:25 Speaker 5: Right. 01:06:26 Speaker 2: Look at us. Ebony. 01:06:28 Speaker 1: And ivory. I'll let you sing because. 01:06:30 Speaker 5: I can't really sing. 01:06:30 Speaker 2: Do you want to dance? 01:06:32 Speaker 3: No. 01:06:32 Speaker 2: We're together in perfect harmony. Come on, touch me. My piano. 01:06:40 Speaker 1: Keyboard. Oh, Lord. 01:06:43 Speaker 2: Why don't. 01:06:48 Speaker 1: There you got it, ladies and gentlemen. I looked into your eyes and I was almost able to carry a tune. Almost. I saw you struggling too. 01:06:56 Speaker 2: I was like, hold on. 01:06:58 Speaker 1: Yeah, I was holding on to your tune. 01:06:59 Speaker 2: I was looking. 01:07:00 Speaker 1: I said, we got it. 01:07:01 Speaker 2: No, but you sounded good. 01:07:03 Speaker 4: Thanks, baby. 01:07:03 Speaker 2: And that's all we need to carry us through until next week. Chelsea, thank you for being here. 01:07:09 Speaker 1: Is there anything you want to say to the people before you go? I thought I was coming here for hours and hours. No, no. You got to come back, girl. 01:07:15 Speaker 2: We got a party. 01:07:15 Speaker 1: I'll come back any time. I'm always happy to come back. Are you kidding? I love it. I love it. Thank you, everyone, for listening to Yamanika's podcast. You're the problem, Yamanika. Make sure you download and subscribe, I guess. Is that a thing? Download? Yeah, it is. We want downloads. 01:07:31 Speaker 4: Yes. 01:07:31 Speaker 2: We do. We want downloads. 01:07:32 Speaker 1: That's what they say at the end of every podcast. 01:07:34 Speaker 2: Every podcast. And you heard it from Boss Lady here, Chelsea Handler herself. Thank you guys so much. Thank you to my crew and Tyree and everyone who helped put this show together. You guys have been amazing. Until next week, I'm 48. You're The Problem with Yamanika is a production of iHeart Podcast and the Dear Chelsea Network. I'm your host, Yamanika Saunders, and my producer is Tyree Rush. We're produced by Chelsea Handler, Sam Griffel, Noah Avior, and Bea Haskins. Our theme music is Front Sides by Turbo Hawk.