Paul Scheer 的完整文字稿

41 00:02:13.800 --> 00:02:14.360 Don't do that. 42 00:02:14.520 --> 00:02:15.110 So tell us. 43 00:02:15.139 --> 00:02:15.719 Can we move on? 44 00:02:15.900 --> 00:02:16.719 Yes, let's move on. 45 00:02:16.819 --> 00:02:18.280 I know I'm going to. I don't know. 46 00:02:18.300 --> 00:02:20.520 Okay. You seemed like you were in a good mood. 47 00:02:20.539 --> 00:02:22.539 I was. And then you were in such a good mood. 48 00:02:22.590 --> 00:02:23.110 I was in a good mood. 49 00:02:23.129 --> 00:02:26.310 You were screaming into a mic inches from your face. 50 00:02:26.909 --> 00:02:27.789 What happened that made you happy? 51 00:02:27.849 --> 00:02:30.669 Okay, so I went to Las Vegas for the day 52 00:02:30.750 --> 00:02:32.550 to be on a panel. 53 00:02:32.330 --> 00:02:33.270 At a conference. 54 00:02:33.449 --> 00:02:36.000 Wait, why were you on a panel? I don't know. 55 00:02:36.139 --> 00:02:38.699 Who would put you on a panel? Seriously, why are 56 00:02:38.740 --> 00:02:39.560 you on a panel? 57 00:02:39.900 --> 00:02:40.500 Not only that. 58 00:02:40.520 --> 00:02:44.979 Who else was on the panel? Snuffleupagus? Oh, Jesus. I'm choking. 59 00:02:50.319 --> 00:02:52.870 I would love to see the panel. It starts with Sona, 60 00:02:52.909 --> 00:02:55.509 and then it's like snuffleupagus. Oh, my God. 61 00:02:56.469 --> 00:02:59.650 A beach pail with a face painted on it. Why 62 00:02:59.669 --> 00:03:02.729 was that a- A bowl of nectarines. And we've got 63 00:03:02.770 --> 00:03:04.289 our panel. I'm sorry, Sona, I didn't mean to put 64 00:03:04.310 --> 00:03:04.530 you down. 65 00:03:04.569 --> 00:03:07.120 Oh, my God. At the NAB show in Vegas- What's 66 00:03:07.139 --> 00:03:07.620 a NAB show? 67 00:03:07.639 --> 00:03:08.120 Yeah, what's a NAB? 68 00:03:08.159 --> 00:03:12.139 NAB is the National Association of Broadcasters. And then I 69 00:03:12.180 --> 00:03:16.060 was part of the BEA- It's. 70 00:03:15.800 --> 00:03:16.719 Named after Bea Arthur? 71 00:03:17.020 --> 00:03:17.520 Oh, God. 72 00:03:17.759 --> 00:03:19.419 I hate it here so much. 73 00:03:19.840 --> 00:03:22.300 So let's get through this because I want to get 74 00:03:22.319 --> 00:03:23.919 through the explaining of this. 75 00:03:24.060 --> 00:03:25.039 And I was on a panel. 76 00:03:25.080 --> 00:03:25.460 You're right. 77 00:03:25.620 --> 00:03:28.340 I was on a panel with the chief content officer 78 00:03:28.379 --> 00:03:31.379 of one media company and then the chief financial officer 79 00:03:31.419 --> 00:03:32.659 of another media company. 80 00:03:32.699 --> 00:03:34.009 And it was the three of us. 81 00:03:34.039 --> 00:03:37.909 This is the greatest scam in the world. And you 82 00:03:37.930 --> 00:03:40.469 were there as in what capacity? 83 00:03:40.550 --> 00:03:43.310 As someone who's on a very popular podcast. 84 00:03:43.409 --> 00:03:43.870 Which one's that? 85 00:03:43.909 --> 00:03:48.419 A clown. Wait, so you were there because of this podcast? 86 00:03:48.439 --> 00:03:51.439 Because of this podcast, I went to Vegas for a day. 87 00:03:51.460 --> 00:03:52.699 Do you get invited to stuff like this? 88 00:03:52.719 --> 00:03:52.879 No. 89 00:03:53.080 --> 00:03:54.620 I don't think I got invited to this. 90 00:03:54.879 --> 00:03:58.889 I'm sure you guys get invited. I say yes to everything. Plus, 91 00:03:59.050 --> 00:04:01.030 my cousin works for the company that asked me to 92 00:04:01.090 --> 00:04:03.280 do it. And I was happy to do it. 93 00:04:03.629 --> 00:04:04.090 Oh, yeah. 94 00:04:04.250 --> 00:04:05.669 Explanation received. 95 00:04:05.689 --> 00:04:07.430 But I just want you guys to know I am 96 00:04:07.569 --> 00:04:10.810 representing this podcast. 97 00:04:09.750 --> 00:04:11.370 In an official forum. 98 00:04:11.430 --> 00:04:13.969 Okay, so a relative works for the company. 99 00:04:14.280 --> 00:04:15.879 Yeah, so we went to Vegas for the day. We 100 00:04:15.979 --> 00:04:16.420 flew out. 101 00:04:16.779 --> 00:04:17.560 Who's we? 102 00:04:17.800 --> 00:04:18.360 Me and Tack. 103 00:04:18.620 --> 00:04:18.899 Okay. 104 00:04:19.040 --> 00:04:20.939 So we flew out, and then we had time for 105 00:04:21.040 --> 00:04:23.800 lunch beforehand, so we went to the Encore restaurant. And 106 00:04:23.839 --> 00:04:27.649 then we went to this place called Wazuzu. And the waiter, 107 00:04:27.750 --> 00:04:30.170 I remember his name is Taylor. I remember this so vividly. 108 00:04:30.250 --> 00:04:30.470 Okay. 109 00:04:30.670 --> 00:04:33.110 Is a huge fan of this podcast. And then my 110 00:04:33.269 --> 00:04:34.290 meal was comped. 111 00:04:34.430 --> 00:04:34.689 No. 112 00:04:34.709 --> 00:04:34.779 Yes. 113 00:04:35.709 --> 00:04:37.449 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Because, and I say 114 00:04:37.490 --> 00:04:40.189 this with all kindness, but you and Tack, you like, 115 00:04:40.629 --> 00:04:40.949 you know. 116 00:04:40.980 --> 00:04:42.079 Oh, no. 117 00:04:42.379 --> 00:04:44.560 You like drinks. You like, I mean, it's not going 118 00:04:44.579 --> 00:04:45.980 to be cheap is all I'm going to say. 119 00:04:47.300 --> 00:04:48.259 That is not true. 120 00:04:48.279 --> 00:04:49.360 What do you mean? 121 00:04:49.439 --> 00:04:51.100 Because Tack doesn't go crazy. 122 00:04:51.120 --> 00:04:51.939 I do. I do. 123 00:04:52.449 --> 00:04:55.470 But yeah, but it's Vegas, so it's like not a 124 00:04:55.589 --> 00:04:57.149 cheap meal. It's an expensive meal. 125 00:04:57.230 --> 00:04:59.430 And you said Taylor, Taylor being man. 126 00:04:59.449 --> 00:05:00.670 He's a man, yeah. 127 00:05:00.689 --> 00:05:03.509 Taylor being man. Taylor being man. 128 00:05:03.540 --> 00:05:05.819 That's a line that was cut out of Planet of 129 00:05:05.899 --> 00:05:12.519 the Apes. Taylor being man. You are not welcome in 130 00:05:12.560 --> 00:05:16.889 the forbidden zone. OK, so Taylor said hi. What did 131 00:05:16.930 --> 00:05:19.170 Taylor said that he liked about

the podcast? 132 00:05:19.189 --> 00:05:20.949 So it's first of all, it's cool. He recognized you. 133 00:05:21.189 --> 00:05:23.470 OK, so that's the other thing. It was a oh, 134 00:05:23.529 --> 00:05:25.350 you look familiar thing. And then he asked me why 135 00:05:25.370 --> 00:05:26.850 I was there. I was like, I'm on a panel. 136 00:05:26.870 --> 00:05:27.879 I'm on this podcast. 137 00:05:27.920 --> 00:05:28.779 He's like, OK. 138 00:05:28.839 --> 00:05:31.079 And then I think he went back and then like 139 00:05:31.199 --> 00:05:33.660 Googled me. I don't think he was sure. 140 00:05:33.519 --> 00:05:34.100 Who I was. 141 00:05:34.180 --> 00:05:34.399 Right. 142 00:05:34.680 --> 00:05:36.449 And then he's like. 143 00:05:36.490 --> 00:05:37.459 I'm a big fan of yours. 144 00:05:37.490 --> 00:05:39.129 He saw your photo by the cash register and said, 145 00:05:39.189 --> 00:05:43.790 do not cash or check. Oh, that's how I know you. 146 00:05:44.209 --> 00:05:48.689 From the podcast and you're under arrest. Wait, so, okay, 147 00:05:48.709 --> 00:05:50.009 he recognizes you from the podcast. 148 00:05:50.089 --> 00:05:50.810 He's a fan. That's nice. 149 00:05:50.829 --> 00:05:51.360 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 150 00:05:51.379 --> 00:05:53.040 He watches our videos all the time. 151 00:05:53.220 --> 00:05:55.079 Shout out to Taylor, who works at, what's it called? 152 00:05:55.100 --> 00:05:56.879 At Wazuzu at the Encore. 153 00:05:56.939 --> 00:05:58.100 What kind of food is Wazuzu? 154 00:05:58.180 --> 00:06:01.000 It's Asian fusion. It's delicious. If they want to send 155 00:06:01.079 --> 00:06:02.379 us stuff, I'm cool with that. 156 00:06:02.439 --> 00:06:04.170 No, I don't think that's very, I don't think you 157 00:06:04.189 --> 00:06:06.870 should be asking for free food. He comped you a meal, 158 00:06:06.889 --> 00:06:09.129 and I think that's enough. I don't think, I think 159 00:06:09.170 --> 00:06:12.310 now extorting Wazuzu. And by the way, I'm not sure 160 00:06:12.389 --> 00:06:13.860 Asian fusion ships well. 161 00:06:13.889 --> 00:06:14.300 Were they going to? 162 00:06:15.100 --> 00:06:17.939 Put a couple of dumplings in a FedEx tube, and 163 00:06:18.019 --> 00:06:21.800 send it through the desert to get here to Larchmont? 164 00:06:22.259 --> 00:06:26.100 That's fantastic. Hey, over the weekend, this tube showed up. 165 00:06:26.620 --> 00:06:29.550 Or maybe it was last weekend. Thanks, EB, let's crack 166 00:06:29.589 --> 00:06:35.649 it open. An armadillo comes out with soy sauce all 167 00:06:35.689 --> 00:06:38.189 over his mouth. I mean, that's insanity. 168 00:06:39.629 --> 00:06:43.069 Wazuzu, you sound like an amazing place, but please don't 169 00:06:43.110 --> 00:06:45.170 send us any food, even though I'm sure it's amazing. 170 00:06:45.209 --> 00:06:47.209 We want to come in person and then be comped. 171 00:06:48.350 --> 00:06:50.889 Do you find yourself getting comped much in life? 172 00:06:51.050 --> 00:06:53.620 That's the first time. I was really excited about it 173 00:06:53.629 --> 00:06:54.569 because I always said. 174 00:06:54.620 --> 00:06:56.480 You know, people were like, oh, you know, more and 175 00:06:56.500 --> 00:06:58.579 more people know who you are because the podcast is 176 00:06:58.620 --> 00:07:01.620 so big. And I'm like, you're not really famous until 177 00:07:01.879 --> 00:07:03.860 you get either a meal comped or you get same 178 00:07:03.899 --> 00:07:07.649 day reservations at a cool restaurant. And I got comped, 179 00:07:07.689 --> 00:07:10.850 so I'm officially an A-lister. 180 00:07:10.990 --> 00:07:12.579 That's really good. I have to say it's true. 181 00:07:12.600 --> 00:07:15.240 I'm sitting here with a real celebrity, finally. 182 00:07:15.300 --> 00:07:15.819 That's nice. 183 00:07:15.879 --> 00:07:20.620 I constantly test how we're doing by choosing very, very 184 00:07:20.699 --> 00:07:23.800 popular hard-to-get-into restaurants. And what I do is I show 185 00:07:23.860 --> 00:07:26.470 up on a Saturday night at like 7.30, and I 186 00:07:26.509 --> 00:07:29.290 just walk in and said, Conan O'Brien here, and I 187 00:07:29.829 --> 00:07:34.730 demand a table for 15. And I've always been told, 188 00:07:35.089 --> 00:07:36.089 get the fuck out of here. 189 00:07:37.629 --> 00:07:38.810 But one day. 190 00:07:39.389 --> 00:07:41.379 Even when you have a reservation, you show up and say, 191 00:07:41.420 --> 00:07:44.160 get the fuck out of here. Even when I have 192 00:07:44.180 --> 00:07:47.110 a reservation that I've had for months. And I show 193 00:07:47.149 --> 00:07:49.199 up and I go, by the way, it's that Conan O'Brien. 194 00:07:49.220 --> 00:07:51.000 They say, get the fuck out of here. And my 195 00:07:51.100 --> 00:07:53.899 family and friends all wave to me from the table 196 00:07:53.920 --> 00:07:54.430 as I'm escorted out. 197 00:07:54.439 --> 00:07:55.899 They're all seated. Oh, they're all seated. 198 00:07:55.939 --> 00:07:56.899 And they still bill you. 199 00:07:56.980 --> 00:07:59.959 They still bill me. But that's the way to test. 200 00:08:00.100 --> 00:08:00.439 Yeah. 201 00:08:00.500 --> 00:08:02.819 And I've not, I'll know the day I can walk 202 00:08:02.860 --> 00:08:06.350 in and go, yeah, table for 15, Conan O'Brien. If 203 00:08:06.389 --> 00:08:09.149 Conan O'Brien needs a friend, deal with it. Then I'm 204 00:08:09.170 --> 00:08:11.569 going to know that I've been, if I'm seated right away, 205 00:08:11.610 --> 00:08:12.629 that we finally cracked it. 206 00:08:12.629 --> 00:08:13.689 I don't think that's ever going to happen. 207 00:08:14.069 --> 00:08:15.529 I don't know what to say because I've made a 208 00:08:15.550 --> 00:08:17.269 lot of same-day reservations for you. 209 00:08:17.290 --> 00:08:18.420 It's always. 210 00:08:18.569 --> 00:08:20.259 People love to accommodate you. 211 00:08:20.439 --> 00:08:20.839 Why would you. 212 00:08:20.920 --> 00:08:24.300

Didn't you say at Din Tai Fung they wouldn't take you? 213 00:08:24.319 --> 00:08:25.620 Oh, that was my favorite. 214 00:08:25.699 --> 00:08:25.920 Yeah. 215 00:08:26.300 --> 00:08:29.339 You remember we went to the original one in Arcadia 216 00:08:29.360 --> 00:08:31.800 and you're like, watch this, basically. 217 00:08:31.879 --> 00:08:32.539 I didn't do. 218 00:08:32.659 --> 00:08:34.480 I never say, well, okay, I think I did. I 219 00:08:35.120 --> 00:08:39.100 said we were in Arcadia to the original Din Tai Fung. 220 00:08:39.120 --> 00:08:39.799 Din Tai Fung. 221 00:08:39.840 --> 00:08:40.419 Din Tai Fung. 222 00:08:40.539 --> 00:08:44.879 And we were really hungry and I thought, well... All 223 00:08:44.950 --> 00:08:47.690 kidding aside, people are quite nice to me and they 224 00:08:47.750 --> 00:08:49.330 tend to recognize this puss. 225 00:08:49.830 --> 00:08:52.629 So I. 226 00:08:52.690 --> 00:08:56.009 I'm sorry, before, it's notorious for having a very long wait, 227 00:08:56.210 --> 00:08:57.309 especially that original look. 228 00:08:57.370 --> 00:08:58.509 Regardless of the puss. 229 00:08:58.590 --> 00:08:59.529 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 230 00:08:59.629 --> 00:09:05.509 And so I, hey, God bless them. They said, as 231 00:09:05.590 --> 00:09:07.529 nicely as possible, go away. 232 00:09:08.639 --> 00:09:09.539 I'm back in an hour and a half. 233 00:09:09.559 --> 00:09:11.340 But I remember it wasn't that long. I actually remember 234 00:09:11.360 --> 00:09:12.379 it wasn't that long. It wasn't. 235 00:09:12.460 --> 00:09:14.440 And you know what? You gave your name. 236 00:09:14.840 --> 00:09:17.919 They didn't give you any sort of leeway on the 237 00:09:17.960 --> 00:09:20.299 wait time. I remember it made no difference. 238 00:09:19.919 --> 00:09:20.379 That it was you. 239 00:09:20.710 --> 00:09:22.210 But then you went outside and we were waiting in 240 00:09:22.250 --> 00:09:24.210 the parking lot and people kept coming up to you 241 00:09:24.230 --> 00:09:25.320 to take pictures with you. 242 00:09:25.330 --> 00:09:26.629 Oh, and my favorite part is some of them were 243 00:09:26.690 --> 00:09:29.629 from the restaurant. My favorite is when people from the 244 00:09:29.669 --> 00:09:30.870 restaurant are like, can we have a picture? 245 00:09:30.889 --> 00:09:33.210 Uh, yeah, sure. Thanks. I'm a big fan. 246 00:09:33.230 --> 00:09:42.690 Um, how long away do you fuck you? 247 00:09:43.529 --> 00:09:45.230 Oh man. Okay. Good times. 248 00:09:45.289 --> 00:09:47.350 Hey, listen, I don't think celebrities should be treated. Uh, 249 00:09:47.620 --> 00:09:49.769 especially I think we should be treated worse than other people. 250 00:09:49.929 --> 00:09:50.360 I agree. 251 00:09:50.399 --> 00:09:52.379 Well, I'm not, I'm not a celebrity, so I'm fine. 252 00:09:52.399 --> 00:09:54.840 If I ever come to your restaurant, you are free 253 00:09:54.919 --> 00:09:55.759 to comp me. 254 00:09:55.940 --> 00:09:58.659 I can't wait till I have a restaurant. that specializes 255 00:09:58.740 --> 00:10:03.610 in Irish food, from 1902. Do you want a tatoe 256 00:10:03.649 --> 00:10:06.929 with your tatoe? All right, we got to get into it. 257 00:10:07.330 --> 00:10:09.190 And then I got to start my restaurant. My guest 258 00:10:09.210 --> 00:10:12.220 today hosts the podcast, How Did This Get Made? 259 00:10:12.379 --> 00:10:14.529 I was on this podcast. I really loved it. Now 260 00:10:14.580 --> 00:10:18.419 he has a new memoir titled Joyful Recollections of Trauma. 261 00:10:18.860 --> 00:10:26.139 Really love this guy. I'm excited he's here today. Paul Scheer, welcome. 262 00:10:29.080 --> 00:10:32.879 I'm going to point out, Paul, and I am a 263 00:10:32.919 --> 00:10:35.899 big fan of yours and I admire you greatly. So 264 00:10:35.960 --> 00:10:38.559 for you to say that you're just sanguine. about being 265 00:10:38.600 --> 00:10:41.700 my friend is a real- Optimistic, optimistic. It's a kick 266 00:10:41.720 --> 00:10:42.200 in the crotch. 267 00:10:42.480 --> 00:10:45.379 Wow. Jesus. You see, to me, I'm coming in- It's 268 00:10:45.419 --> 00:10:47.980 a death blow, it's a death chop. Oh, oh, okay. 269 00:10:48.139 --> 00:10:50.559 I'm pressuring you, because I know your husband's a karate expert, 270 00:10:50.620 --> 00:10:52.080 but does he do judo? 271 00:10:52.120 --> 00:10:54.240 No, he does karate, he does karate. 272 00:10:54.639 --> 00:10:57.019 I'm trying to come in not too high up and 273 00:10:57.039 --> 00:10:59.950 not too low, just saying, hey, I feel cautiously optimistic. 274 00:10:59.990 --> 00:11:00.789 You don't need to explain that. 275 00:11:00.809 --> 00:11:02.529 I think that's fair. He's a psychopath. 276 00:11:02.690 --> 00:11:06.850 I am, no, excuse me, sociopath. Oh, sorry. There's a difference. 277 00:11:06.929 --> 00:11:07.830 Well, you'll get there. 278 00:11:09.950 --> 00:11:12.190 I'm an aspirational sociopath. 279 00:11:12.509 --> 00:11:13.870 I'm a sociopath. 280 00:11:14.190 --> 00:11:17.740 Who's working very hard to make it a psychopath. And 281 00:11:17.779 --> 00:11:18.840 I take night classes. 282 00:11:19.100 --> 00:11:20.980 I'm looking sanguine about your opportunities. 283 00:11:21.000 --> 00:11:21.419 Thank you. 284 00:11:21.440 --> 00:11:23.740 So many people are able to make that crossover. And 285 00:11:23.759 --> 00:11:24.840 I think it's really important. 286 00:11:24.860 --> 00:11:27.179 Very few of us have done it. Just me and 287 00:11:27.200 --> 00:11:30.610 Bill Maher. We're the only two. I'm so happy to 288 00:11:30.629 --> 00:11:32.409 be here at Club Random. I've seen.... 289 00:11:33.970 --> 00:11:35.950 I saw Bill Maher do that club random, and he 290 00:11:35.990 --> 00:11:38.289 has so many tissue boxes around. I'm like, why is 291 00:11:38.309 --> 00:11:40.529 he blowing his nose so much on air? 292 00:11:40.620 --> 00:11:43.149 I'll tell you later. We'll talk later. We have a lot. 293 00:11:43.200 -->

00:11:46.500 Let's just say. It's also, why is he wearing tearaway pants, 294 00:11:46.720 --> 00:11:52.470 you know? Listen. What the fuck? He's got a. I 295 00:11:52.509 --> 00:11:53.950 don't want to talk about this anymore. 296 00:11:54.009 --> 00:11:54.850 You brought it up. 297 00:11:54.850 --> 00:11:57.269 I wish the man well. I wish the man well. 298 00:11:58.350 --> 00:12:00.230 Stories about pellet cases that will make you upset, but 299 00:12:00.289 --> 00:12:00.509 you know. 300 00:12:01.669 --> 00:12:01.929 Paul. 301 00:12:02.250 --> 00:12:03.620 Yes. And if I can call you Paul, that would 302 00:12:03.639 --> 00:12:06.039 be a great idea. Please, yeah, you can do it. Okay. 303 00:12:06.279 --> 00:12:09.360 Paul, I've always enjoyed you. And then I had a 304 00:12:09.559 --> 00:12:12.679 great experience with you. You and your cohorts had me 305 00:12:12.720 --> 00:12:13.519 on your podcast. 306 00:12:13.559 --> 00:12:13.759 Yes. 307 00:12:14.139 --> 00:12:15.799 I want to say about five years ago on How 308 00:12:15.830 --> 00:12:16.590 Did This Get Made. 309 00:12:16.610 --> 00:12:16.690 Yeah. 310 00:12:17.269 --> 00:12:20.070 And I had an absolute blast. I believe we were 311 00:12:20.110 --> 00:12:23.070 talking about the film, Look Who's Talking 2. 312 00:12:23.070 --> 00:12:26.000 Yes, where more babies are talking. 313 00:12:26.029 --> 00:12:28.120 I think in that one, even the dogs are talking or? 314 00:12:28.129 --> 00:12:32.500 I think everything's talking. Inanimate objects, occasionally a chair will say, 315 00:12:32.539 --> 00:12:33.360 look at that baby. 316 00:12:33.519 --> 00:12:35.580 You know? 317 00:12:35.899 --> 00:12:38.360 And I think it was Danny, am I right? Is 318 00:12:38.419 --> 00:12:41.039 it Danny DeVito's? You may not remember because you guys 319 00:12:41.080 --> 00:12:43.039 do so many movies. We watch so many bad movies, 320 00:12:43.100 --> 00:12:44.039 but I believe you're right. 321 00:12:44.059 --> 00:12:47.779 I think it is Danny DeVito and like Roseanne Barr 322 00:12:47.860 --> 00:12:48.500 might have been the. 323 00:12:48.480 --> 00:12:48.960 Baby, yeah. 324 00:12:49.289 --> 00:12:52.110 And it's such a strange concept because the babies are talking, 325 00:12:52.450 --> 00:12:56.110 but they also have institutional knowledge about things that only 326 00:12:56.149 --> 00:12:57.850 adults would have. 327 00:12:58.149 --> 00:12:59.990 I wish I had a cigar right now. It's like 328 00:13:00.009 --> 00:13:04.600 you're OK. It's one thing. I'm sorry. What's the concept again? 329 00:13:04.659 --> 00:13:06.679 You've lived a full life and you're trapped in a 330 00:13:06.720 --> 00:13:09.740 baby's body. Or this is how all babies speak. That's 331 00:13:09.759 --> 00:13:11.820 what makes it so upsetting, because at one point they 332 00:13:11.899 --> 00:13:13.429 must get amnesia. Right. 333 00:13:13.470 --> 00:13:16.830 Because they while they can't speak, they're thinking all these 334 00:13:16.970 --> 00:13:17.649 horrible thoughts. 335 00:13:17.769 --> 00:13:18.029 Yes. 336 00:13:18.330 --> 00:13:19.950 Look at those boobs on that lady. 337 00:13:20.210 --> 00:13:22.820 And it's like, oh, God, you know, you know, it's like, 338 00:13:22.919 --> 00:13:25.940 give me a drink. And it's like, well, and then. 339 00:13:25.799 --> 00:13:29.039 She's a drink right now. God, I'd like to stop her. 340 00:13:29.500 --> 00:13:32.789 And you think, well, you came out of. You came 341 00:13:32.870 --> 00:13:37.169 out of the uterus, I think, eight months ago. They 342 00:13:37.250 --> 00:13:39.970 all came out. Yeah, they had this energy. And then, 343 00:13:40.090 --> 00:13:42.129 you know, I get it for the dogs. Dogs have 344 00:13:42.169 --> 00:13:44.860 been around. When the dogs start talking, they've seen some stuff. 345 00:13:44.960 --> 00:13:46.980 Dogs have seen stuff and they have a memory that 346 00:13:47.000 --> 00:13:48.580 I think is passed on almost genetically. 347 00:13:48.659 --> 00:13:51.100 Dogs have a wisdom. And when my dog looks at me, 348 00:13:51.159 --> 00:13:51.659 he knows. 349 00:13:52.059 --> 00:13:55.690 But no, the fact that a baby is like looking 350 00:13:55.730 --> 00:13:57.190 around going like, I'd like to grab that. 351 00:13:57.490 --> 00:14:01.269 And to me, for the right of a lifetime and 352 00:14:01.350 --> 00:14:03.350 to me to have a movie where you go in 353 00:14:03.370 --> 00:14:06.029 and pitch it's like, yeah, the babies are talking. 354 00:14:06.210 --> 00:14:09.470 But then there's also like this core like romance problem 355 00:14:09.490 --> 00:14:10.990 in the center of it. It is still about like 356 00:14:11.029 --> 00:14:13.370 a husband and wife, but they never interact with the 357 00:14:13.409 --> 00:14:14.230 talking babies. 358 00:14:14.389 --> 00:14:17.860 Now the babies are having their own subplot. Yeah. Not 359 00:14:18.360 --> 00:14:20.000 connected to the adults at all. Right. 360 00:14:20.220 --> 00:14:20.379 Right. 361 00:14:21.000 --> 00:14:23.460 It absolutely, like the babies are on a telephone trying 362 00:14:23.480 --> 00:14:26.179 to get liquor from the liquor store. I haven't had 363 00:14:26.220 --> 00:14:28.899 a drink in eight years. How old are you? Six months. 364 00:14:29.139 --> 00:14:31.450 I think, I do think in the third one, because 365 00:14:31.470 --> 00:14:34.009 we did the third one after you, that they do 366 00:14:34.049 --> 00:14:36.570 solve a crime. The babies do solve a crime. They 367 00:14:36.629 --> 00:14:38.470 see a burglar come in and they set up a 368 00:14:38.549 --> 00:14:40.169 trap in their baby language. 369 00:14:40.210 --> 00:14:42.710 They're able to communicate. In their baby language, meaning the 370 00:14:42.750 --> 00:14:45.860 language of people in their 50s. But by the way, 371 00:14:46.159 --> 00:14:50.080 they are telepathically communicating because they're not even speaking and 372 00:14:50.100 --> 00:14:51.179

they're just looking at each other. 373 00:14:51.580 --> 00:14:55.460 Here's what it's proof of, if nothing else, that if 374 00:14:55.519 --> 00:14:57.899 this movie is the reality, and I think it is 375 00:14:58.100 --> 00:14:59.750 a very truthful scientific movie. 376 00:15:00.529 --> 00:15:01.889 It was based in a lot of science. 377 00:15:02.110 --> 00:15:04.750 I believe that we are born in our highest, most 378 00:15:04.850 --> 00:15:07.840 elevated form, and then we de-evolve as we get older 379 00:15:08.169 --> 00:15:11.899 because we can speak telepathically. We have long memories of 380 00:15:11.960 --> 00:15:14.779 a rich sexual past, even though we don't really have 381 00:15:14.820 --> 00:15:16.399 our secondary sexual characteristics yet. 382 00:15:16.419 --> 00:15:22.139 Slightly racist, slightly sexist, yeah. I do think there. 383 00:15:22.240 --> 00:15:24.039 Do you think that there is something true to the 384 00:15:24.110 --> 00:15:26.990 fact that babies can see ghosts? 385 00:15:27.490 --> 00:15:30.000 Because... I've heard a lot of these stories. 386 00:15:29.740 --> 00:15:32.879 That babies and like young children, they don't know that 387 00:15:32.899 --> 00:15:34.879 they're not supposed to believe in this stuff. And when 388 00:15:34.919 --> 00:15:37.360 I was shooting this movie in New Orleans once, Tom Lennon, 389 00:15:37.659 --> 00:15:41.240 his kid was about three years old and he went 390 00:15:41.279 --> 00:15:43.919 down to tie a shoe and he started talking to 391 00:15:43.940 --> 00:15:47.919 a person in the sewer grate. And he's like, oh, 392 00:15:48.250 --> 00:15:50.570 and then, and occasionally all throughout his time in New 393 00:15:50.590 --> 00:15:54.210 Orleans would see different people and having conversations with them. 394 00:15:54.370 --> 00:15:56.269 And New Orleans, the most haunted city in the world. 395 00:15:56.950 --> 00:15:59.549 I don't know, like, Do you think that his son 396 00:15:59.610 --> 00:16:01.210 is crazy or do you think the kids can maybe 397 00:16:01.250 --> 00:16:01.450 see ghosts? 398 00:16:01.470 --> 00:16:03.929 I think it's New Orleans and people sometimes live in 399 00:16:03.990 --> 00:16:06.620 sewer grates. Okay, so. You know, and I think there 400 00:16:06.629 --> 00:16:09.440 are other cities. I think Portland's one. I mean, I 401 00:16:09.460 --> 00:16:11.740 think there are certain cities where. Well, Portland, it's expensive 402 00:16:11.779 --> 00:16:13.519 to live in a sewer grate. 403 00:16:13.580 --> 00:16:16.820 You can get a nice sewer grate for about. 404 00:16:16.500 --> 00:16:22.500 $ 1, 500. 405 00:16:19.559 --> 00:16:21.500 I think the person in the sewer grate was complaining 406 00:16:21.519 --> 00:16:24.620 to the little boy that it was $ 2, 000. 407 00:16:23.179 --> 00:16:25.559 A month to live in a sewer grate. But it's 408 00:16:25.600 --> 00:16:28.039 right on the park. It's really nice though. It's really nice. 409 00:16:28.750 --> 00:16:36.590 I barely spent time here. I looked at so many sewers. 410 00:16:36.610 --> 00:16:39.549 I take the shower at the sports club. 411 00:16:39.590 --> 00:16:42.830 It's great. 412 00:16:43.049 --> 00:16:44.809 So that's how I sort of like first got to, 413 00:16:45.049 --> 00:16:46.690 I felt like I work with you, even though we've 414 00:16:46.710 --> 00:16:49.600 been traveling in similar circles for a very long time. 415 00:16:49.620 --> 00:16:53.100 Well, you started my career. I always say that you 416 00:16:53.120 --> 00:16:55.120 started my career. I had to get a SAG card. 417 00:16:55.460 --> 00:16:58.279 Because of working on your show was my favorite thing. 418 00:16:58.399 --> 00:16:59.960 It was and it was a great day to hang 419 00:17:00.080 --> 00:17:02.840 out in that hallway. You just sit in these chairs 420 00:17:02.860 --> 00:17:04.839 in this hallway. People come in and out and you'd 421 00:17:04.859 --> 00:17:08.799 watch weird guest stars doing sometimes weird things. I remember 422 00:17:08.880 --> 00:17:13.019 Gene Simmons being the weirdest, just trolling the hallways, trying 423 00:17:13.160 --> 00:17:16.099 to knock on different people's doors and just get in there. 424 00:17:16.160 --> 00:17:18.480 And just I do remember, though, the only bit I 425 00:17:18.559 --> 00:17:21.019 ever said no to. on your show was I got 426 00:17:21.039 --> 00:17:23.400 this call and the casting director was like, Paul, we 427 00:17:23.420 --> 00:17:25.349 have a really great bit for you. And I was like, Oh, 428 00:17:25.390 --> 00:17:28.069 can't wait. And they're like, so Conan's going to come 429 00:17:28.089 --> 00:17:30.710 into the audience and he's going to have a razor 430 00:17:30.789 --> 00:17:32.130 on him and he's going to shave you bald. 431 00:17:32.769 --> 00:17:34.849 And I was like, uh-huh. And I was like, I 432 00:17:35.009 --> 00:17:36.690 don't know. Cause I was already. 433 00:17:36.529 --> 00:17:38.190 Losing my hair at that point, but I didn't know 434 00:17:38.500 --> 00:17:42.019 if I could commit to getting my head shaved on TV. 435 00:17:42.200 --> 00:17:44.539 Do you realize they're probably pitching this to you before 436 00:17:44.559 --> 00:17:48.529 they've pitched it to me? So there's a chance, you 437 00:17:48.549 --> 00:17:51.470 know what I mean? Sometimes they were calling around and 438 00:17:51.539 --> 00:17:53.039 saying- Would you do it? Yeah, we're going to take 439 00:17:53.059 --> 00:17:55.720 a 22 caliber rifle and shoot you in the shoulder. 440 00:17:55.740 --> 00:17:57.579 And you're, how is this funny? 441 00:17:57.779 --> 00:17:58.220 Trust me. 442 00:17:58.779 --> 00:18:00.920 And Conan's a pretty good shot, so he won't hit 443 00:18:01.079 --> 00:18:04.079 a major artery. And they haven't even pitched it to 444 00:18:04.140 --> 00:18:06.349 me yet, or we'll shoot you at rehearsal and then 445 00:18:06.430 --> 00:18:09.029 cut it as you're bleeding out. 446 00:18:09.859 -->

00:18:12.519 Which is my favorite thing. It was the crazy moment, 447 00:18:12.559 --> 00:18:14.769 but I was like, oh, I want to do this bit. 448 00:18:14.789 --> 00:18:16.569 This would be really funny, but I was so nervous 449 00:18:16.630 --> 00:18:19.630 to really commit to shaving off my full head of 450 00:18:19.670 --> 00:18:22.670 hair for a bit. So I did say no, and 451 00:18:22.829 --> 00:18:25.950 I always felt badly about it. It crippled your career. 452 00:18:27.529 --> 00:18:28.349 Did anyone do it? 453 00:18:28.390 --> 00:18:29.250 Did someone go on and do it? 454 00:18:29.250 --> 00:18:33.019 Someone did it. I believe it might have been Andy Blitz. 455 00:18:34.099 --> 00:18:34.359 Oh, yeah. 456 00:18:34.400 --> 00:18:34.660 Yeah. 457 00:18:35.430 --> 00:18:37.230 Andy Blitz would do that even if it wasn't a sketch. 458 00:18:38.369 --> 00:18:41.019 I mean, I have such fond memories of that era 459 00:18:41.059 --> 00:18:44.680 and just so much talent around New York City. And 460 00:18:44.759 --> 00:18:46.720 all of us had this idea of what we thought 461 00:18:46.759 --> 00:18:49.880 was funny, which was quite at odds with what the 462 00:18:49.900 --> 00:18:51.720 people I was working for thought was funny, which was 463 00:18:51.819 --> 00:18:55.130 often a problem. I know that you came up with 464 00:18:55.349 --> 00:18:57.690 Jack McBrayer. I think you guys were in, were you 465 00:18:57.730 --> 00:18:58.500 in UCB together? 466 00:18:58.519 --> 00:19:00.920 Yeah, Jack and I were in a show together called 467 00:19:01.099 --> 00:19:04.079 Sheer McBrayer or Ghost Ship. And then we also were 468 00:19:04.119 --> 00:19:07.619 performing every Saturday together in a group called Respecto Montalban. 469 00:19:07.869 --> 00:19:10.769 Okay. The title's alone. 470 00:19:10.789 --> 00:19:13.990 Ghost Ship was a show where Jack and I improvised 471 00:19:14.150 --> 00:19:17.250 just two-man improv show. And every time we would reference 472 00:19:17.289 --> 00:19:18.099 the movie Ghost Ship. 473 00:19:18.259 --> 00:19:18.339 Oh. 474 00:19:19.339 --> 00:19:22.279 And that was the only thing that connected the show. 475 00:19:22.720 --> 00:19:25.240 My conceit was always that the ship was a ghost, 476 00:19:25.819 --> 00:19:28.599 and Jack believed that people were dead on the ship 477 00:19:28.660 --> 00:19:29.980 and there were ghosts on the ship. 478 00:19:30.019 --> 00:19:32.789 So, here's my, I've talked about this before, but I 479 00:19:32.980 --> 00:19:35.869 cannot say enough. I've known Jack, and I swear to God, 480 00:19:35.890 --> 00:19:37.990 I'm friends with Jack and have been friends with Jack 481 00:19:38.049 --> 00:19:39.809 for years and years and years and years and years. 482 00:19:40.250 --> 00:19:44.650 I've never had a real conversation with him because I always, 483 00:19:44.730 --> 00:19:50.720 the minute I see him go into... The A-hole... city slicker. 484 00:19:50.740 --> 00:19:53.759 Oh, yeah. And he goes into the put upon Rube. 485 00:19:54.119 --> 00:19:56.180 We'll do that for 45 minutes. 486 00:19:56.220 --> 00:19:56.480 Yeah. 487 00:19:56.740 --> 00:20:00.700 And I've often thought someday one of us is going 488 00:20:00.720 --> 00:20:04.089 to be on death's door in the hospital. Let's just 489 00:20:04.109 --> 00:20:06.230 say I go in and let's just say it's Jack 490 00:20:06.329 --> 00:20:09.170 because he doesn't take care of himself the way I do. Um, 491 00:20:09.430 --> 00:20:10.990 and I'm going to know it and Jack's going to 492 00:20:11.029 --> 00:20:12.609 know it, that these are his last, he might, he's 493 00:20:12.630 --> 00:20:14.410 probably going to go later today and he's in the 494 00:20:14.450 --> 00:20:16.440 hospital and everyone's getting a minute to just to say hi. 495 00:20:16.940 --> 00:20:21.140 I know for a fact, and I go in and say, well, well, well. Now, 496 00:20:21.200 --> 00:20:23.549 don't you be afraid about these doctor fellas. I know 497 00:20:23.569 --> 00:20:25.890 they didn't have them back home. And he's going to go, sir, 498 00:20:26.329 --> 00:20:27.930 I'm quite familiar. 499 00:20:27.529 --> 00:20:27.839 With what I. 500 00:20:28.170 --> 00:20:28.539 Oh, no. 501 00:20:28.549 --> 00:20:29.150 By the way, it would. 502 00:20:30.529 --> 00:20:33.309 Be the best. We won't have a real moment. You can't. 503 00:20:33.549 --> 00:20:37.049 Jack is one of the funniest people, but that's a 504 00:20:37.089 --> 00:20:39.589 sign that he likes you. And more than likes you, 505 00:20:39.869 --> 00:20:42.569 loves you, because he won't do that with everybody. But 506 00:20:42.650 --> 00:20:44.609 you will get into bits with him that will last forever. 507 00:20:44.839 --> 00:20:48.059 for for literally years and then sometimes you don't know 508 00:20:48.079 --> 00:20:51.019 where the bit is and and where jack begins because 509 00:20:51.400 --> 00:20:53.309 as i know jack i think every day he spends 510 00:20:53.390 --> 00:20:55.529 by his pool drinking bud lights i think that's the 511 00:20:55.569 --> 00:20:58.809 only that's what i mean oh yeah that's jack also he's. 512 00:20:58.670 --> 00:21:01.069 The last person on earth who hasn't heard you're not 513 00:21:01.130 --> 00:21:03.809 supposed to lay in the sun oh yeah jack get 514 00:21:03.849 --> 00:21:04.690 a deep dark. 515 00:21:04.569 --> 00:21:06.839 Is he a big mountain dew guy too oh yeah 516 00:21:06.859 --> 00:21:10.759 yeah yeah but he pours uh bud light into it Yeah, 517 00:21:10.799 --> 00:21:13.480 Mountain Dew and Bud Light and By the Pool. Maybe 518 00:21:13.759 --> 00:21:16.720 mixing those two things together, it's like a suntan lotion 519 00:21:16.740 --> 00:21:20.920 for your inside. It pushes the cancer out. It's an 520 00:21:20.940 --> 00:21:21.700 oral sun cream. 521 00:21:21.740 --> 00:21:25.140 The cancer's like, it's too rough here. I don't need 522 00:21:25.180 --> 00:21:25.819 to be in the sun. 523 00:21:25.839 --> 00:21:28.980

Some dermatologists around the world are starting to say. 524 00:21:29.259 --> 00:21:32.200 McBrayer's on to something. He might have broken through. 525 00:21:39.269 --> 00:21:42.549 That's the thing about doors. Open one and whole new 526 00:21:42.589 --> 00:21:47.839 worlds suddenly become possible. If you're searching for your new 527 00:21:47.880 --> 00:21:50.279 home in Leash, the first thing you need to open 528 00:21:50.339 --> 00:21:55.319 is MyHome, Ireland's trusted property platform. With custom filters, property 529 00:21:55.359 --> 00:21:58.740 alerts and a hub of advice, available online or in app, 530 00:21:59.160 --> 00:22:02.259 it's the smart way to buy, sell or rent your home. 531 00:22:02.779 --> 00:22:05.900 Start searching and find your happy place at myhome.ie. 532 00:22:13.579 --> 00:22:17.339 Good nights are about the people. The laughs. The real 533 00:22:17.380 --> 00:22:20.559 moments you don't want to miss. So why step outside? 534 00:22:21.460 --> 00:22:25.509 Velo tobacco-free nicotine pouches fit seamlessly into your night. Convenient 535 00:22:25.710 --> 00:22:28.369 and full of flavour. No breaks. No interruptions. 536 00:22:28.890 --> 00:22:29.210 Velo. 537 00:22:29.490 --> 00:22:33.789 Anytime, anywhere nicotine pouches. 18 and over. Contains tobacco-free nicotine 538 00:22:33.849 --> 00:22:36.170 and addictive substance. If you're new to Velo, start with Mellow. 539 00:22:36.230 --> 00:22:37.779 You should not use this product if you do not 540 00:22:37.880 --> 00:22:38.680 already use nicotine. 541 00:22:40.349 --> 00:22:42.849 Don't miss out on Cash & Carry Kitchens' free fitting 542 00:22:42.970 --> 00:22:46.170 offer which ends on September 26th. For a limited time, 543 00:22:46.210 --> 00:22:48.880 you can save hundreds of euro on all our kitchens. 544 00:22:49.160 --> 00:22:52.720 Any style, any colour, any size. The choice is yours, 545 00:22:53.019 --> 00:22:55.980 but the fitting is on us. For free fitting on 546 00:22:56.160 --> 00:23:00.430 all our kitchens, book your free design consultation on cashandcarrykitchens.ie 547 00:23:00.750 --> 00:23:04.210 or visit one of our 17 showrooms nationwide. Cash & 548 00:23:04.210 --> 00:23:08.630 Carry Kitchens. Create something more. Proud to be guaranteed Irish. 549 00:23:09.150 --> 00:23:10.230 Terms and conditions apply. 550 00:23:16.559 --> 00:23:20.920 You've written a book, Joyful Recollections of Trauma. Yes. First 551 00:23:20.940 --> 00:23:23.759 of all, I can't think of a better way for 552 00:23:23.859 --> 00:23:26.400 especially a comedian or someone in comedy to sum up. 553 00:23:28.359 --> 00:23:31.059 This weird line we have between there were things that 554 00:23:31.480 --> 00:23:35.480 moments in our childhood that we feel in the moment 555 00:23:36.079 --> 00:23:42.730 brought us great anxiety. fear, unhappiness, anger. And then now 556 00:23:43.009 --> 00:23:45.769 we realize, oh, it was all part. 557 00:23:45.609 --> 00:23:46.250 Of the

stew. 558 00:23:46.490 --> 00:23:49.130 It's interesting because you tell these stories that are part 559 00:23:49.170 --> 00:23:52.109 of your life and that you maybe have no spin on. 560 00:23:52.150 --> 00:23:53.670 It's like, oh, yeah, this just just happened. 561 00:23:53.730 --> 00:23:56.490 I remember I was telling my wife, I was like, oh, yeah, 562 00:23:56.509 --> 00:23:58.890 I never opened the door for strangers because my grandma 563 00:23:58.990 --> 00:24:01.960 told me about this butcher who would, you know, kill 564 00:24:01.980 --> 00:24:04.079 kids and chop them up into chopped meat. 565 00:24:04.400 --> 00:24:05.819 And June would be like, my wife was like, wait, 566 00:24:05.900 --> 00:24:08.240 what do you mean? I'm like, yeah, the butcher, you know, she. 567 00:24:08.619 --> 00:24:11.539 The story all kids hear from their grandmother. And my 568 00:24:11.579 --> 00:24:12.279 grandma told me. 569 00:24:12.220 --> 00:24:14.480 The story where she's like, you know, she's like, you 570 00:24:14.519 --> 00:24:16.319 can't open the door because if you open the door, 571 00:24:16.779 --> 00:24:19.200 the butcher will come in and his steps will come 572 00:24:19.259 --> 00:24:21.619 up the stairs and he'll grab you and he'll put 573 00:24:21.640 --> 00:24:23.119 you in a sack. 574 00:24:23.180 --> 00:24:24.180 And I'm like, uh-huh. 575 00:24:24.380 --> 00:24:26.700 And she's like, it happened right around the corner. And 576 00:24:26.740 --> 00:24:29.660 then the end of the story was the mom goes 577 00:24:29.680 --> 00:24:32.509 to the butcher. She orders some chopped meat. She starts 578 00:24:32.609 --> 00:24:34.509 making the chopped meat. She's grinding it up and she 579 00:24:34.589 --> 00:24:36.009 puts it in the pan. And as she puts it 580 00:24:36.029 --> 00:24:38.789 in the pan, the chopped meat goes, Mama? 581 00:24:38.809 --> 00:24:38.869 No! 582 00:24:39.089 --> 00:24:39.170 No! 583 00:24:42.509 --> 00:24:42.589 No! 584 00:24:43.150 --> 00:24:46.309 No! That image, I mean, I know it can't exist, 585 00:24:46.390 --> 00:24:48.009 like the look who's talking babies. No, it could. 586 00:24:48.069 --> 00:24:49.750 Is your grandma a Grimm's brother? 587 00:24:50.230 --> 00:24:53.910 Yeah. That frightened me. This butcher. I was like, yeah, 588 00:24:53.930 --> 00:24:56.240 there's a butcher who lives in our neighborhood who chops 589 00:24:56.299 --> 00:24:56.740 up children. 590 00:24:56.759 --> 00:25:00.440 But also, Paul, occasionally, your grandmother should know, occasionally someone 591 00:25:00.500 --> 00:25:01.839 needs to come into the house. Yeah. 592 00:25:03.400 --> 00:25:05.700 Occasionally someone does need to come in. 593 00:25:05.720 --> 00:25:09.319 Never going to let anyone in. Do not chop me up, butcher. 594 00:25:09.359 --> 00:25:10.400 You will not get me. 595 00:25:10.740 --> 00:25:15.509 Yeah. We're here to pick up the rug. Oh my God. Yeah. 596 00:25:15.589 --> 00:25:19.190 No. So you must've had, because you talk about this 597 00:25:20.009 --> 00:25:22.839 very honestly in your book, parents divorce when you're very young, 598 00:25:22.859 --> 00:25:28.710 a stepfather comes into the picture and, who's physically and 599 00:25:28.750 --> 00:25:31.710 emotionally abusive. So you're dealing with that and it's not, 600 00:25:31.950 --> 00:25:35.430 of course, none of that is funny, but you had 601 00:25:35.450 --> 00:25:38.950 a very singular childhood and then you describe later in 602 00:25:38.970 --> 00:25:41.450 your life, you're talking to your friends and you're saying, 603 00:25:41.710 --> 00:25:43.329 just as you did right now, you know when your 604 00:25:43.349 --> 00:25:45.039 grandmother tells you that if anyone comes in the house, 605 00:25:45.059 --> 00:25:46.980 they'll chop you up and then you'll become a talking 606 00:25:47.279 --> 00:25:48.059 hamburger helpmate? 607 00:25:49.400 --> 00:25:53.130 You know, no. You've had people say, no, Paul, that's 608 00:25:53.230 --> 00:25:54.970 not a normal child. Not what you do. 609 00:25:55.029 --> 00:25:57.569 I mean, like you don't like, I remember I raised 610 00:25:57.769 --> 00:26:01.150 money to go into the city to go see a 611 00:26:01.210 --> 00:26:03.359 naked woman. That was the only job that I was like, 612 00:26:03.380 --> 00:26:05.880 I'm like, we, like we, we heard about naked women. 613 00:26:05.900 --> 00:26:08.200 We were like, we didn't have any access to naked women, 614 00:26:08.220 --> 00:26:09.900 but we were close to the city. And me and 615 00:26:09.920 --> 00:26:12.680 my friends were like, let's go get some money. We'll 616 00:26:12.740 --> 00:26:15.720 go into the city and we'll, we'll find it. We just, 617 00:26:16.420 --> 00:26:19.130 I think we were like, freshmen in high school. Like, 618 00:26:19.150 --> 00:26:21.109 you know, so we were a little, yeah, I went 619 00:26:21.130 --> 00:26:23.789 to a Catholic school. They didn't really talk about sex. 620 00:26:23.829 --> 00:26:25.809 It was very, you know, it's not discussed. 621 00:26:25.910 --> 00:26:26.430 No, it's not. 622 00:26:26.630 --> 00:26:29.569 I mean, the craziest thing is my health class was 623 00:26:29.730 --> 00:26:33.130 taught by my phys ed instructor, which is I think 624 00:26:33.150 --> 00:26:35.470 a normal thing. And there was a very shy girl 625 00:26:35.509 --> 00:26:38.670 in our class, lovely girl. And she got up to 626 00:26:38.690 --> 00:26:40.670 go to the bathroom and the gym teacher was like, 627 00:26:41.230 --> 00:26:42.509 I got it. I got a good plan. I got 628 00:26:42.529 --> 00:26:44.430 a good plan here. And so she gets up and 629 00:26:44.450 --> 00:26:48.200 he takes this dildo out of his desk now i 630 00:26:48.240 --> 00:26:51.019 have never again at this point seen this you. 631 00:26:50.940 --> 00:26:53.240 Just think it's a rubber cucumber i'm like what i 632 00:26:53.279 --> 00:26:54.579 mean i'm. 633 00:26:54.259 --> 00:26:55.910 Shocked because it's

like all right so and he goes 634 00:26:55.930 --> 00:26:58.450 all right all right and he shoves it in her 635 00:26:58.569 --> 00:27:02.549 lunch bag and we and we're all waiting there and 636 00:27:02.589 --> 00:27:05.470 he's okay she's coming back she's coming back everybody calm 637 00:27:05.509 --> 00:27:08.130 down and so we're all sitting there waiting in this 638 00:27:08.650 --> 00:27:11.880 very sweet girl very shy very nice you know starts 639 00:27:11.920 --> 00:27:13.539 to take out her sandwich and he. 640 00:27:13.519 --> 00:27:17.500 Goes hey you Stephanie, what the hell? And he rips 641 00:27:17.599 --> 00:27:19.849 out this dildo. And he's like, what is this doing 642 00:27:19.869 --> 00:27:21.529 in your bag? And he starts. 643 00:27:21.710 --> 00:27:24.509 Waving it in the air. And then the entire class, 644 00:27:24.529 --> 00:27:27.190 it's like a Carrie moment. The entire class starts laughing. 645 00:27:27.730 --> 00:27:29.869 And you're like, and that way, you know, and we're like, 646 00:27:29.910 --> 00:27:31.210 and he's like, I just gotcha. 647 00:27:31.230 --> 00:27:33.329 I gotcha. This is not real. No, no, I didn't 648 00:27:33.349 --> 00:27:38.259 just getcha. Oh my God. That's your person. Yeah. We 649 00:27:38.279 --> 00:27:40.849 need names now. We need to go back. We need 650 00:27:40.869 --> 00:27:42.990 to find this guy. Yeah. And this is like and 651 00:27:43.029 --> 00:27:45.809 that was a story that I like. I like again. 652 00:27:45.829 --> 00:27:47.849 I was like, oh, yeah, that that's as close as 653 00:27:47.910 --> 00:27:51.529 I got to understanding anything about sex in school. Like 654 00:27:51.569 --> 00:27:54.250 seeing that dildo shoved in that girl's lunch. 655 00:27:54.309 --> 00:27:55.390 And her humiliated. 656 00:27:55.430 --> 00:27:55.599 Yeah. 657 00:27:55.710 --> 00:27:57.539 And you're like, oh, I guess that's what sex is. Yeah, 658 00:27:57.579 --> 00:28:00.980 this is this is about all the details I have. Oh, 659 00:28:01.039 --> 00:28:02.339 that's horrible. Jesus Christ. 660 00:28:03.039 --> 00:28:06.259 But I mean, you know, you, you, you, as a kid, 661 00:28:06.559 --> 00:28:11.980 you get very interested in obsessed with making tapes of things. 662 00:28:12.380 --> 00:28:14.220 Oh yeah. You want to, you want to record everything 663 00:28:14.269 --> 00:28:17.130 and make tapes to the extent that you made your 664 00:28:17.269 --> 00:28:18.950 own video store pretty much. 665 00:28:19.009 --> 00:28:19.210 Yeah. 666 00:28:19.349 --> 00:28:19.930 I made my own. 667 00:28:20.049 --> 00:28:23.109 I loved VHS movies and I wanted to like, that 668 00:28:23.150 --> 00:28:26.049 was to me, the dream to own my own video 669 00:28:26.069 --> 00:28:27.779 store felt like that was You. 670 00:28:27.740 --> 00:28:29.500 Can't get any better than that. You have all these 671 00:28:29.599 --> 00:28:31.609 things at your disposal. It's funny. 672 00:28:32.210 --> 00:28:33.690 That was your dream job. When I was a kid, 673 00:28:33.710 --> 00:28:36.930 I remember seeing a toll booth operator. My parents driving through. 674 00:28:36.950 --> 00:28:39.390 We were going through the Sumner Tunnel or coming out 675 00:28:39.430 --> 00:28:41.630 of it in Boston. And we went through a toll booth. 676 00:28:41.690 --> 00:28:43.339 And I remember thinking, that's the life. 677 00:28:44.130 --> 00:28:46.200 I looked at a guy standing in a booth and 678 00:28:46.220 --> 00:28:47.519 I just thought that would be cool. 679 00:28:47.759 --> 00:28:48.019 Yeah. 680 00:28:48.160 --> 00:28:51.630 Because there's no homework. and no one to boss you around. 681 00:28:51.650 --> 00:28:54.089 And you just, and it's a pretty simple job. And 682 00:28:54.109 --> 00:28:56.619 then you get to go home and watch cartoons. And 683 00:28:56.650 --> 00:28:59.059 I remember thinking, but so yours was video store owner. 684 00:28:59.099 --> 00:29:03.019 Mine was toll booth operator on route 128 in Boston. 685 00:29:03.079 --> 00:29:05.460 But those moments, it's like, you'd get connected. I was like, 686 00:29:05.700 --> 00:29:07.740 I could get never ending story. I'd be on the 687 00:29:07.799 --> 00:29:09.519 top of the list. Cause back in the day, when 688 00:29:09.539 --> 00:29:10.900 you wanted to get a video, you'd have to put 689 00:29:10.920 --> 00:29:13.180 your name on a list. And then they call you like, 690 00:29:13.220 --> 00:29:14.980 all right, you know, never ending stories. 691 00:29:15.059 --> 00:29:16.400 And you can come in and get it, but come, 692 00:29:16.480 --> 00:29:18.420 but if you don't come before five, next person on 693 00:29:18.440 --> 00:29:20.690 the list is getting called. And so I was obsessed 694 00:29:20.710 --> 00:29:23.569 with doing this. It's like being an organ donor. Except 695 00:29:23.589 --> 00:29:26.640 the stakes are so much. They bring you, you've been 696 00:29:26.660 --> 00:29:29.720 approved for Neverending Story. It's coming to you in a cooler. 697 00:29:31.279 --> 00:29:32.259 Just drop what we're doing. 698 00:29:32.279 --> 00:29:34.529 You've got an hour to accept. We've got to see 699 00:29:34.549 --> 00:29:38.049 that kid fly on that dog. But then it became 700 00:29:38.089 --> 00:29:41.440 this thing where I started having these movies and people 701 00:29:41.529 --> 00:29:43.369 found out about it. And I would run a video 702 00:29:43.390 --> 00:29:45.829 store out of my high school where. 703 00:29:45.690 --> 00:29:48.569 Teachers would be like, Hey, uh, yeah, Ferris Bueller. Can 704 00:29:48.609 --> 00:29:50.490 I borrow Ferris Bueller? I was like, all right, you 705 00:29:50.509 --> 00:29:50.950 can borrow. 706 00:29:50.970 --> 00:29:53.609 Like teachers were holding me back in class for me 707 00:29:53.650 --> 00:29:58.220 to pass them VHS tapes. And I felt like All right, 708 00:29:58.259 --> 00:30:01.200 this is my thing now. Also, I love, Paul, the 709 00:30:01.259 --> 00:30:03.259 idea that you

thought, and this will never end. 710 00:30:03.460 --> 00:30:06.519 Yeah. This is it. People are always going to need- 711 00:30:06.539 --> 00:30:08.829 The job, the medium, nothing. 712 00:30:08.940 --> 00:30:09.740 It's gold. 713 00:30:11.329 --> 00:30:13.569 I know how to put things on VHS, and if 714 00:30:13.609 --> 00:30:15.529 you want them, there's no other way to see them. 715 00:30:16.750 --> 00:30:18.630 But it was like for this little bit of time, 716 00:30:18.650 --> 00:30:21.410 like working at Blockbuster, it was the best. You were like, 717 00:30:21.769 --> 00:30:23.700 this is it. Right. 718 00:30:24.789 --> 00:30:28.609 We ran a fake autograph signing at my Blockbuster because 719 00:30:28.630 --> 00:30:31.470 there's a girl that just looked like Jamie Girtz. And 720 00:30:31.529 --> 00:30:37.700 we decided that we were like, hey, can you call 721 00:30:38.000 --> 00:30:39.819 your friend and have her come in? We'll set up 722 00:30:39.859 --> 00:30:42.250 a table and we'll make her sign a poster. And 723 00:30:42.269 --> 00:30:44.349 then we realized there was no Jamie Girtz movies there. 724 00:30:44.720 --> 00:30:46.259 but there was an Ally Sheedy movie that we had 725 00:30:46.319 --> 00:30:50.470 a poster for. And so- Everything is, everything is wrong. 726 00:30:50.490 --> 00:30:55.509 It's a fake Jamie Girtz signing Ally Sheedy's autograph. 727 00:30:56.890 --> 00:31:00.190 Everything's wrong. We just like set up an autograph, like 728 00:31:00.250 --> 00:31:02.869 meet Ally, you know, like meet Jamie Girtz and be like, 729 00:31:03.230 --> 00:31:06.839 who's Jamie Girtz? From Lost Boys. And we hung up 730 00:31:06.900 --> 00:31:11.220 this poster in our blockbuster that said Jamie Girtz on 731 00:31:11.240 --> 00:31:14.299 an Ally Sheedy movie poster saying, in the front window 732 00:31:14.420 --> 00:31:16.809 for months. And how did it go over? Did people 733 00:31:16.849 --> 00:31:19.150 get excited? People were excited. People have pictures of it. 734 00:31:19.299 --> 00:31:21.829 People have sent me pictures of it Because I talked 735 00:31:21.869 --> 00:31:24.019 about it one time on the podcast. People have pictures 736 00:31:24.059 --> 00:31:26.980 with fake Jamie Girtz. And fake Jamie Girtz reached out 737 00:31:27.000 --> 00:31:28.519 to me and she said, yeah, it was a highlight. 738 00:31:28.599 --> 00:31:31.059 And she's being. 739 00:31:30.140 --> 00:31:33.359 Sued by fake Ally Sheedy. Who's being sued by real 740 00:31:33.440 --> 00:31:33.859 Ally Sheedy. 741 00:31:33.900 --> 00:31:36.299 It's a very complicated lawsuit, but one of them is 742 00:31:36.319 --> 00:31:37.559 going to get to own the Atlanta Hawks. 743 00:31:38.539 --> 00:31:42.640 You have a part of your very cool book that 744 00:31:42.720 --> 00:31:46.630 is dedicated to awkward celebrity encounters, which I'd love to 745 00:31:46.670 --> 00:31:49.049 go into a little bit just because They are my 746 00:31:49.130 --> 00:31:51.630 favorite moments in my life. You go in with the 747 00:31:51.710 --> 00:31:52.369 best intentions. 748 00:31:52.390 --> 00:31:55.069 My new thing is like, I, I will not now 749 00:31:55.150 --> 00:31:57.369 approach anybody because it's, it's too nerve wracking. 750 00:31:57.410 --> 00:31:59.910 I'd rather just stand back. I mean, who did you have? 751 00:32:00.430 --> 00:32:02.210 Like, is there anyone that comes to mind where you 752 00:32:02.230 --> 00:32:03.839 feel like you messed up the encounter? 753 00:32:03.859 --> 00:32:06.789 Uh, well, there's one I've talked about before, but definitely I, 754 00:32:07.000 --> 00:32:09.980 and I, and it was the truncated version was just, 755 00:32:10.299 --> 00:32:11.319 I hadn't had coffee yet. 756 00:32:11.339 --> 00:32:12.720 It was really early in the morning and I go 757 00:32:12.759 --> 00:32:13.400 into this coffee. 758 00:32:13.220 --> 00:32:16.539 Shop on the Upper East Side. And I get mine 759 00:32:16.579 --> 00:32:17.920 and I sit down. I'm just about to have it 760 00:32:17.960 --> 00:32:19.960 when I see that the person in line who's standing 761 00:32:20.039 --> 00:32:22.589 shoulder to shoulder with me, I'm sitting having my coffee 762 00:32:22.619 --> 00:32:25.690 on a tall stool and he's right there, is Arnold Schwarzenegger. 763 00:32:25.809 --> 00:32:29.029 And it was just this great moment because he recognized 764 00:32:29.089 --> 00:32:31.910 me and wanted to say hi, but had nothing to say. 765 00:32:31.930 --> 00:32:35.009 And he hasn't had his coffee and I just got 766 00:32:35.069 --> 00:32:37.839 my coffee and it's early and it literally just became. 767 00:32:38.390 --> 00:32:39.470 coffee huh. 768 00:32:41.230 --> 00:32:43.960 And i was like uh yes no i'm having it's 769 00:32:44.000 --> 00:32:46.579 good it's good in the morning and i went yes 770 00:32:46.839 --> 00:32:49.880 it's good in the morning it's really it's good in 771 00:32:49.920 --> 00:32:51.539 the morning to have and then there was a long 772 00:32:51.579 --> 00:32:53.940 pause he went to have the coffee and i went 773 00:32:54.000 --> 00:32:56.269 yes and then there was a long pause and he 774 00:32:56.289 --> 00:33:02.250 went it wakes you up And I said, yes, because of, 775 00:33:03.109 --> 00:33:05.130 and there was a long pause. He's like, the caffeine. 776 00:33:05.710 --> 00:33:08.269 And I'm like, oh my God, this is awful. 777 00:33:08.430 --> 00:33:09.369 This is awful. 778 00:33:09.529 --> 00:33:13.119 And yet, I mean, this is, he is the most iconic, 779 00:33:13.140 --> 00:33:15.440 one of the most iconic people in the world. 780 00:33:15.779 --> 00:33:20.759 And this is what we're talking about. Oh my God. 781 00:33:20.839 --> 00:33:24.069 It's like, you're trying to make this connection. It's like, 782 00:33:24.119 --> 00:33:26.289 I want to be, I just want to like be 783 00:33:26.309 --> 00:33:28.150 normal or just say hi, or I want to get in. 784 00:33:28.190 --> 00:33:28.930 I want to get out. 785

00:33:29.170 --> 00:33:31.309 And I did this movie and there was a guy 786 00:33:31.349 --> 00:33:32.809 in this movie that I would hang out with all 787 00:33:32.829 --> 00:33:33.109 the time. 788 00:33:33.150 --> 00:33:35.890 And he's like, Oh, you know, RDJ. And I'm like, Oh, 789 00:33:36.170 --> 00:33:39.210 who's RDJ? He's like, Robert Downey Jr. RDJ. And I'm like, 790 00:33:39.470 --> 00:33:41.230 Oh no, no, I don't know him. He's like, we're, 791 00:33:41.390 --> 00:33:43.329 we're buds. We're buds. And I'm like, all right, great. 792 00:33:43.349 --> 00:33:46.069 And he, and every day told me about RDJ. And like, 793 00:33:46.109 --> 00:33:47.539 at first it was like, is this guy full shit? 794 00:33:47.559 --> 00:33:48.970 And then I would, I knew a couple of people 795 00:33:49.119 --> 00:33:51.869 in his orbit, RDJ's orbit. And I was like, You 796 00:33:51.910 --> 00:33:54.190 know this person? He's like, oh, yeah, that guy's great. 797 00:33:54.450 --> 00:33:55.329 So it sounds legitimate. 798 00:33:55.349 --> 00:33:57.190 This is a guy you're getting to know who knows 799 00:33:57.250 --> 00:33:58.069 Robert Downey Jr. 800 00:33:58.269 --> 00:34:01.769 And now I'm like, OK, this guy knows RDJ. So 801 00:34:01.869 --> 00:34:05.970 Comic-Con comes up and he goes, hey, if you're in Comic-Con, 802 00:34:06.250 --> 00:34:07.390 say hey to RDJ for me. 803 00:34:07.710 --> 00:34:10.230 And I'm like, well, that's never going to happen. But sure. Great. Yeah, 804 00:34:10.269 --> 00:34:10.730 I'll say hi. 805 00:34:11.789 --> 00:34:14.769 And so lo and behold, I get in this place 806 00:34:14.909 --> 00:34:16.769 where I'm on the way to go to an elevator 807 00:34:16.909 --> 00:34:20.150 and I'm stacked up against Robert Downey Jr. And he's 808 00:34:20.230 --> 00:34:22.260 dressed like a Tony Stark because he's going out there 809 00:34:22.280 --> 00:34:24.579 to promote Iron Man 2. And now my wife is 810 00:34:24.619 --> 00:34:27.260 with me. My wife was in Zodiac with Robert Downey Jr. 811 00:34:27.280 --> 00:34:29.159 She's at my side. And I don't know what comes 812 00:34:29.219 --> 00:34:32.119 over me, but I'm like, hey, RDJ. I don't know 813 00:34:32.159 --> 00:34:35.050 why I called him RDJ. Oh, no. 814 00:34:35.150 --> 00:34:35.349 Right? 815 00:34:36.340 --> 00:34:38.360 But I've been hearing it every day, RDJ. Oh, no. 816 00:34:38.539 --> 00:34:40.320 And I'm like. 817 00:34:40.539 --> 00:34:41.619 Oh, no. 818 00:34:41.900 --> 00:34:44.340 And at RDJ, as soon as I say that, my wife, 819 00:34:44.659 --> 00:34:46.519 who's been holding my hand, just lets go. 820 00:34:48.000 --> 00:34:53.480 Like a parachute. She's like... I disassociate. Disappears. Ejects. Like, 821 00:34:53.699 --> 00:34:58.280 just ejects. And I feel that. And now I'm like... 822 00:34:58.139 --> 00:34:59.860 And he turns and he looks at me. I'm like, hey, I. 823 00:35:00.820 --> 00:35:02.619 I know, and I won't reveal this guy's name. I go, 824 00:35:02.659 --> 00:35:05.059 I know so-and-so. And he looks at me like I 825 00:35:05.119 --> 00:35:06.510 just spoke an alien language. 826 00:35:06.530 --> 00:35:09.349 I go, what? I go, I know, you know, it's so-and-so. 827 00:35:09.489 --> 00:35:10.309 I know Sam Chiswell. 828 00:35:10.349 --> 00:35:10.750 Yeah, right. 829 00:35:10.769 --> 00:35:15.409 And he's like, oh, and again, nothing's happening. And so 830 00:35:15.530 --> 00:35:17.880 I'm getting nervous. I start giving more examples. Like, You know, 831 00:35:17.980 --> 00:35:20.440 he's got these tattoos. He did this one thing. 832 00:35:20.659 --> 00:35:22.460 He did this. And he's just looking at me. And 833 00:35:22.480 --> 00:35:25.090 now it's bodyguard's turn. Like, and now I feel... And 834 00:35:25.110 --> 00:35:28.210 these bodyguards are huge. Like, their necks are bigger than 835 00:35:28.250 --> 00:35:30.150 my thighs. You know, and I'm just. 836 00:35:30.309 --> 00:35:32.639 And every part of my body is, like, sweating. And 837 00:35:32.659 --> 00:35:35.360 I'm just trying to prove, like, I'm not crazy... I know, 838 00:35:35.380 --> 00:35:36.619 somebody told me, I know you. 839 00:35:36.639 --> 00:35:40.300 Now you're like a gambler who's losing big at the table, 840 00:35:40.719 --> 00:35:43.900 but you can't leave. You gotta keep throwing in. And 841 00:35:43.940 --> 00:35:45.019 I'm like, I didn't even want to be here in 842 00:35:45.059 --> 00:35:46.300 the first place, but I know this guy. 843 00:35:46.320 --> 00:35:49.369 He knows me. And he goes, hey man, I don't 844 00:35:49.389 --> 00:35:53.130 know who you're talking about. And I'm like, right. And 845 00:35:53.150 --> 00:35:54.150 I don't know what to do. 846 00:35:54.230 --> 00:35:57.050 So I say like, I'm sorry, I must've gotten you 847 00:35:57.250 --> 00:35:59.230 confused with somebody else. 848 00:36:00.230 --> 00:36:00.449 Oh no! 849 00:36:01.269 --> 00:36:04.170 And after I said RDJ, and then under my breath, 850 00:36:04.210 --> 00:36:07.210 I go, Robert Downey Sr.? What? 851 00:36:07.949 --> 00:36:08.250 What? 852 00:36:08.329 --> 00:36:10.650 Because I'm like, in my mind, I'm like, I don't, 853 00:36:10.989 --> 00:36:12.940 I'm floundering and I'm trying to keep it. 854 00:36:13.130 --> 00:36:16.900 And I said, Robert Downey Sr. Like, maybe it was 855 00:36:16.920 --> 00:36:17.679 your dad? 856 00:36:17.840 --> 00:36:19.739 Yeah, because you know how we all get you two 857 00:36:19.800 --> 00:36:23.940 mixed up. Hey, was Robert Downey Sr. Iron Man or 858 00:36:24.019 --> 00:36:28.099 Robert Downey Jr.? A man that I couldn't recognize. 859 00:36:28.500 --> 00:36:31.869 And then, thank God that elevator came. And I just, 860 00:36:31.969 --> 00:36:33.639 I ran, I ran out of, I was like, I'm 861 00:36:33.679 --> 00:36:35.300 not getting on. I couldn't get on that elevator. I 862 00:36:35.340 --> 00:36:37.860 couldn't do it. And that has lived with me, this awkwardness. 863 00:36:37.940 --> 00:36:39.679 And I

look over at June and she's like, what 864 00:36:39.699 --> 00:36:42.960 were you doing? And years later, I had a friend 865 00:36:43.000 --> 00:36:44.940 who was on Avengers and they were like, come, come 866 00:36:44.980 --> 00:36:48.420 to set. I go, I go to set and I'm like, 867 00:36:48.480 --> 00:36:50.800 it's fun having fun. And then Robert Downey Jr. walks 868 00:36:50.860 --> 00:36:52.980 on set and I swear to God, he made eye 869 00:36:53.019 --> 00:36:55.489 contact with me. And I felt like every moment just 870 00:36:55.550 --> 00:36:57.769 came back. Like, he's like, I remember you, you're insane. 871 00:36:58.210 --> 00:37:00.670 And I was like, and I literally was like, peace. 872 00:37:00.869 --> 00:37:02.329 Got to get out of here. I left. I left 873 00:37:02.409 --> 00:37:04.230 the set of like, it was like the coolest set 874 00:37:04.250 --> 00:37:07.030 I've ever been on. It was amazing. Big, giant action scene. 875 00:37:07.050 --> 00:37:09.349 And I'm like, see you later. Bye. Gotta go. Gotta go. 876 00:37:09.610 --> 00:37:10.969 Can't be here. It's too awkward for me. 877 00:37:11.250 --> 00:37:13.550 Here's the one difference between us because it gets really bad. 878 00:37:13.570 --> 00:37:16.469 It gets really bad. And then the guys, the security 879 00:37:16.489 --> 00:37:19.380 is looking at you. And you know how I'm fascinated 880 00:37:19.409 --> 00:37:21.659 with how I could make a bad thing worse. It's 881 00:37:21.679 --> 00:37:23.860 just my favorite thing to think about. And so I'm 882 00:37:23.880 --> 00:37:25.619 just obsessed with the idea that he says, hey, man. 883 00:37:26.130 --> 00:37:27.929 I don't know who you're talking about, that I would 884 00:37:27.989 --> 00:37:30.659 reach out and grab his wrist and say, you will 885 00:37:30.719 --> 00:37:35.460 acknowledge me before this elevator door opens or else. 886 00:37:37.059 --> 00:37:41.260 Like, what can I do in this situation to- You're done. No, 887 00:37:41.280 --> 00:37:43.059 and then I would just, I would have to, I 888 00:37:43.199 --> 00:37:45.199 would have to, I would have to- Even with those 889 00:37:45.239 --> 00:37:46.460 bodyguards there? Yeah. 890 00:37:46.760 --> 00:37:49.809 Oh, because if they came forward, you know, if they 891 00:37:49.829 --> 00:37:51.869 started to come forward, I'd say, you don't want to 892 00:37:51.909 --> 00:37:54.829 mess with me You have no idea what I'm capable. 893 00:37:54.869 --> 00:37:59.849 I would keep doubling down. And I'd say I have 894 00:37:59.889 --> 00:38:02.610 a razor in my shoe. I would keep saying things 895 00:38:02.650 --> 00:38:05.929 that up the ante more and more to try and 896 00:38:06.030 --> 00:38:07.789 make it, because the only way to make it better 897 00:38:07.809 --> 00:38:09.010 is to make it so much worse. 898 00:38:09.030 --> 00:38:12.449 Just keep on pushing it over the limit. Mr. 899 00:38:12.489 --> 00:38:16.130 Downey's coming with me. You'll get a call. from an 900

00:38:16.250 --> 00:38:19.489 undisclosed location. And he will admit over the phone that 901 00:38:19.530 --> 00:38:21.789 he does know that guy I'm talking about. 902 00:38:22.590 --> 00:38:24.570 And none of you are going to do jack shit 903 00:38:24.639 --> 00:38:27.559 about it. I'm going to kidnap him, bring him to 904 00:38:27.599 --> 00:38:29.260 this man, show him. 905 00:38:29.280 --> 00:38:31.519 Did you ever tell your friend? 906 00:38:31.539 --> 00:38:33.460 I was just going to ask that same question. 907 00:38:33.659 --> 00:38:36.840 So I wimped out again because I didn't know what, 908 00:38:37.159 --> 00:38:39.739 so the movie had wrapped at that point. So I 909 00:38:39.800 --> 00:38:41.900 finally see him years later and I'm like, Should I 910 00:38:41.900 --> 00:38:42.159 do it? 911 00:38:42.159 --> 00:38:43.699 Should I do it? And Jim's like, don't. What are 912 00:38:43.880 --> 00:38:46.119 you going to get out of this? He's going to say, oh, 913 00:38:46.159 --> 00:38:48.429 he must. And I and it was right. He was 914 00:38:48.489 --> 00:38:51.010 right in my sights to be like, you screwed me over. 915 00:38:51.030 --> 00:38:53.269 You don't know Robert Downey Jr. And I didn't I 916 00:38:53.309 --> 00:38:55.190 didn't do anything. I walked away from it because. 917 00:38:55.210 --> 00:38:56.489 Yeah. What are you going to get out of it? 918 00:38:56.530 --> 00:38:58.510 There's no there's no fun of it. It's like, yeah, 919 00:38:58.530 --> 00:39:00.280 at that point, it's like he was like, oh, he 920 00:39:00.300 --> 00:39:02.440 must have gotten confused. I gave him too many specifics 921 00:39:02.460 --> 00:39:04.119 to get confused. I don't know what happened. 922 00:39:04.199 --> 00:39:07.519 Can I ask you about the Christopher Walken? Oh, yeah. 923 00:39:07.920 --> 00:39:10.460 Cause that's, uh, I mean, first of all, he's the 924 00:39:10.480 --> 00:39:12.760 character that he just continues to fascinate. 925 00:39:13.119 --> 00:39:14.199 And I'm just, I gotta know. 926 00:39:14.619 --> 00:39:17.909 So when I first came out to LA, just with 927 00:39:17.949 --> 00:39:19.309 my dad on like a trip together. 928 00:39:19.590 --> 00:39:21.050 We did this. How old are you at this point? 929 00:39:21.070 --> 00:39:22.590 You're like probably like fifth grade. Yeah. 930 00:39:22.769 --> 00:39:22.889 Right. 931 00:39:22.909 --> 00:39:25.090 We were, we, uh, we go on this thing called 932 00:39:25.150 --> 00:39:27.909 Hollywood on location. You go to this little place, you 933 00:39:27.929 --> 00:39:31.559 pay 75 bucks and they give you. the locations of 934 00:39:31.760 --> 00:39:34.550 everything shooting in LA that day and the stars that 935 00:39:34.570 --> 00:39:34.860 are in it. 936 00:39:34.929 --> 00:39:36.429 And I was like, this is the best thing. So 937 00:39:36.449 --> 00:39:37.610 you could just drive to set the set. 938 00:39:37.630 --> 00:39:39.230 We went to the set of Simon to Simon and 939 00:39:39.289 --> 00:39:41.280 highway to heaven and You know, like Michael. 940 00:39:41.320 --> 00:39:44.019 Man, you are dating yourself. Oh yeah, 100%. 941 00:39:44.019 --> 00:39:44.800 I mean, this is. 942 00:39:44.980 --> 00:39:48.940 We're on the set of Simon and Simon. 943 00:39:48.960 --> 00:39:53.059 This name will endure throughout the memories of the great 944 00:39:53.119 --> 00:39:54.119 low of Hollywood. 945 00:39:54.860 --> 00:39:59.849 I met Hawk from Spencer. No. And so we're kind 946 00:39:59.889 --> 00:40:00.690 of doing our whole day. 947 00:40:00.730 --> 00:40:02.690 We're, we're through the whole thing. We're meeting all these 948 00:40:03.150 --> 00:40:04.989 people that I'm, I'm having the best time. It's like, 949 00:40:05.010 --> 00:40:07.329 I've never seen a celebrity, met a celebrity. 950 00:40:07.590 --> 00:40:09.110 And as a kid, this was like, this was my 951 00:40:09.150 --> 00:40:09.719 holy grail. 952 00:40:09.800 --> 00:40:10.050 Yeah. 953 00:40:10.260 --> 00:40:11.840 And so the last place we go is this movie 954 00:40:11.900 --> 00:40:14.239 is shooting. It's called communion. And I'm like, I don't 955 00:40:14.280 --> 00:40:15.760 know if there's like a religious movie. I don't want 956 00:40:15.780 --> 00:40:17.940 to go to this. And we hang around and nothing's 957 00:40:17.980 --> 00:40:21.599 going on. And the security guard approaches and he's like, uh, you, uh, 958 00:40:21.780 --> 00:40:23.719 you want to meet a movie star? And I was like, Yeah, 959 00:40:23.820 --> 00:40:25.730 I'd love to meet a movie star. He's like, Christopher 960 00:40:25.769 --> 00:40:28.369 Walken is right in there. Now, I don't know Christopher 961 00:40:28.409 --> 00:40:30.550 Walken because I'm a kid. And I say to my dad, 962 00:40:30.570 --> 00:40:31.809 I'm like, who's that? And he's like, you know, from 963 00:40:31.829 --> 00:40:33.969 View to a Kill, it's James Bond. It's a villain 964 00:40:33.989 --> 00:40:35.570 from James Bond. I'm like, oh, yeah, I want to 965 00:40:35.590 --> 00:40:36.329 meet Max Zorin. 966 00:40:36.650 --> 00:40:41.849 There you go. Calm down, Matt. We covered that. How 967 00:40:41.869 --> 00:40:45.250 did this get made? Matt, you're lactating right now. I 968 00:40:45.269 --> 00:40:46.869 was so excited. You're male lactating. 969 00:40:47.429 --> 00:40:51.309 So the bodyguard or the security guard leaves and he 970 00:40:51.349 --> 00:40:53.739 comes back and goes, all right, Chris wants to meet you, 971 00:40:54.090 --> 00:40:56.119 but no cameras, no parents. 972 00:40:57.400 --> 00:40:59.940 And so my dad was like, what do you want 973 00:40:59.960 --> 00:41:01.000 to do? And I was like, I want to go 974 00:41:01.019 --> 00:41:02.619 meet Christopher Walken. Here, take this. 975 00:41:04.559 --> 00:41:07.780 And the security guard walks me across the street and 976 00:41:07.940 --> 00:41:10.599 opens this big warehouse door. And the warehouse is just 977 00:41:10.639 --> 00:41:14.230 completely dark and

ushers me to go in. I walk 978 00:41:14.449 --> 00:41:17.070 in and he closes the door behind me. So now 979 00:41:17.289 --> 00:41:20.289 I'm alone in a dark warehouse with like a sliver 980 00:41:20.309 --> 00:41:22.710 of light from where the door was. And I'm standing 981 00:41:22.730 --> 00:41:26.170 there and I don't still really know Christopher Walken. And 982 00:41:26.360 --> 00:41:29.940 from out of the darkness comes this face. And this 983 00:41:29.960 --> 00:41:34.050 movie Communion is about a man who communes with aliens. 984 00:41:34.159 --> 00:41:35.489 And I guess this is a part in the movie 985 00:41:35.510 --> 00:41:38.110 where he is really in it with the aliens because 986 00:41:38.489 --> 00:41:41.349 he's pasty white. His hair is all slicked back. And 987 00:41:41.369 --> 00:41:43.949 I swear to God, he's wearing these insane contact lenses. 988 00:41:43.989 --> 00:41:47.070 Oh my God. And he comes. So his face looms 989 00:41:47.110 --> 00:41:47.809 out of the darkness. 990 00:41:48.190 --> 00:41:49.769 It's like, it's like you're at the bottom of the 991 00:41:49.849 --> 00:41:51.630 sea and you know, where you can only see inches 992 00:41:51.690 --> 00:41:54.530 ahead of you. And then a creature just comes out 993 00:41:54.570 --> 00:41:55.190 of the mist. 994 00:41:55.349 --> 00:41:58.170 And he's like, you know, and forgive this terrible impression. 995 00:41:58.210 --> 00:41:59.210 Cause he's like. 996 00:41:59.329 --> 00:42:00.150 Hello, little man. 997 00:42:00.469 --> 00:42:02.070 And I was like, I was like, and I'm like, 998 00:42:02.130 --> 00:42:04.150 I'm seeing this guy. And I'm like, and I don't 999 00:42:04.170 --> 00:42:07.050 know what to do. And he gets down on his 1000 00:42:07.130 --> 00:42:09.530 knees to get like an eye, you know, and he's like, 1001 00:42:10.010 --> 00:42:13.960 talking to me. And, um, and you know, and I've never, 1002 00:42:14.000 --> 00:42:16.579 and again, celebrity is all new to me. And I 1003 00:42:16.639 --> 00:42:18.760 have like in my autograph book in my hand, which 1004 00:42:18.820 --> 00:42:20.059 is not even an autograph book. 1005 00:42:20.079 --> 00:42:20.980 My dad's a pharmacist. 1006 00:42:21.019 --> 00:42:23.119 And it was like, uh, like a pad with like, 1007 00:42:23.280 --> 00:42:25.639 like drugs on it. Like it was literally, I still 1008 00:42:25.659 --> 00:42:28.139 have it. A Vicodin. It says like Vicodin on the top. 1009 00:42:28.159 --> 00:42:29.099 I'm like, can you sign this? 1010 00:42:29.579 --> 00:42:32.599 And it just says, it says Jamie Girtz on it 1011 00:42:32.599 --> 00:42:36.429 10 times in a child scrawl. 1012 00:42:36.449 --> 00:42:41.829 You know, So he's signing this thing and he goes, 1013 00:42:41.849 --> 00:42:44.110 you know, we're making a movie about aliens. Do you 1014 00:42:44.130 --> 00:42:47.280 believe in aliens? And I go, yeah. And he goes, yeah, 1015 00:42:47.510 --> 00:42:50.159 pretty interesting stuff. And I'm like, okay. 1016 00:42:50.760 --> 00:42:54.260 And then he grabs me by both shoulders and pulls 1017 00:42:54.300 --> 00:42:56.260 me in. Now we're like, he's again on his knees. 1018 00:42:56.340 --> 00:42:57.519 So we're eye to eye. 1019 00:42:57.539 --> 00:43:00.909 He goes, don't let anyone tell you what you can 1020 00:43:00.929 --> 00:43:03.760 or cannot do. Whoa. And then. 1021 00:43:04.019 --> 00:43:06.199 Also, don't let anyone grab you by the shoulders when 1022 00:43:06.239 --> 00:43:08.480 you're in fifth grade in a dark warehouse. 1023 00:43:08.679 --> 00:43:09.219 Yeah. 1024 00:43:09.280 --> 00:43:12.869 After that person, after that stranger has insisted, no parents 1025 00:43:12.949 --> 00:43:14.349 may be present. 1026 00:43:14.829 --> 00:43:19.030 No parents, no cameras. No cameras, no parents. Now send 1027 00:43:19.050 --> 00:43:22.809 the boy and I can grab. And then just sent 1028 00:43:22.869 --> 00:43:26.260 me on my way. And I have this random Christopher 1029 00:43:26.300 --> 00:43:27.119 Walken autograph. 1030 00:43:27.260 --> 00:43:29.000 And oh, and that's the other thing, too. When I 1031 00:43:29.039 --> 00:43:31.019 got in there and he first introduces himself to me, 1032 00:43:31.019 --> 00:43:31.199 he goes. 1033 00:43:31.440 --> 00:43:33.909 The light. It hurts my eyes. And I was like, 1034 00:43:33.929 --> 00:43:36.559 all right. It was really like, I was like, great. 1035 00:43:36.800 --> 00:43:37.400 Holy shit. 1036 00:43:37.980 --> 00:43:41.239 It's really... Oh, my God. And he's so. 1037 00:43:41.380 --> 00:43:43.980 I just love that he had some advice to impart 1038 00:43:44.059 --> 00:43:45.400 on me, and he gave me some good advice. 1039 00:43:45.440 --> 00:43:45.679 Yeah. 1040 00:43:45.980 --> 00:43:49.480 And in the actual... When you examine the story, he's 1041 00:43:49.539 --> 00:43:51.920 being a really nice man. Yes. That should be made 1042 00:43:51.960 --> 00:43:55.070 very clear. Yes. So he's in a dark warehouse. 1043 00:43:55.389 --> 00:43:55.650 Yeah. 1044 00:43:55.710 --> 00:43:57.610 And he's requested that a child be sent in. These 1045 00:43:57.670 --> 00:43:59.659 are things that... He could. 1046 00:43:59.500 --> 00:44:02.079 Give that advice with the parent present too. 1047 00:44:02.099 --> 00:44:04.559 Or the camera. Holding a camera. No, listen. 1048 00:44:04.579 --> 00:44:06.340 That could have been totally fine. 1049 00:44:06.579 --> 00:44:09.860 I have the same rules. Sona, you know working for 1050 00:44:09.900 --> 00:44:11.579 me that I've often said over the years. 1051 00:44:11.599 --> 00:44:19.190 Send the child in. Send parents. No cameras, no parents. 1052 00:44:19.250 --> 00:44:22.210 No problem. Sona, have you rented the dark warehouse? 1053 00:44:22.269 --> 00:44:23.380 It also, it. 1054 00:44:23.409 --> 00:44:28.889 I know, I know. Not the same one as last time. 1055 00:44:28.929 --> 00:44:32.409 That had too much light. I also think that no 1056 00:44:32.469 --> 00:44:34.230 one

told me that he was going to be in 1057 00:44:34.329 --> 00:44:37.590 full character makeup, too. That's another crazy thing. Like, I'm 1058 00:44:37.630 --> 00:44:40.639 seeing this adult, like, fully just like, I got to 1059 00:44:40.659 --> 00:44:41.800 watch that movie at one point. 1060 00:44:41.820 --> 00:44:43.760 Do you think he was like, wanted to kind of 1061 00:44:43.980 --> 00:44:45.829 freak you out on purpose? Like, bring the kid in. 1062 00:44:45.860 --> 00:44:46.579 This will be funny. 1063 00:44:46.719 --> 00:44:49.119 You know, I think it sounds like it. I don't 1064 00:44:49.159 --> 00:44:49.619 think so. 1065 00:44:49.820 --> 00:44:51.900 I think he was like, if I really look at it, 1066 00:44:51.940 --> 00:44:54.280 I'm like, he's in crazy makeup. And he probably doesn't 1067 00:44:54.300 --> 00:44:56.659 want a picture because he doesn't want that look to 1068 00:44:56.699 --> 00:45:00.130 get out there. I don't know, you know, but it's 1069 00:45:00.150 --> 00:45:02.269 so funny that he was like, I need to impart 1070 00:45:02.329 --> 00:45:04.250 something on this kid. I need to talk to him. 1071 00:45:04.849 --> 00:45:06.690 And it was great. It was the best experience of 1072 00:45:06.750 --> 00:45:07.070 my life. 1073 00:45:07.210 --> 00:45:09.570 I didn't appreciate it at the moment as much, but 1074 00:45:09.650 --> 00:45:11.150 now it is one of those things where it's like 1075 00:45:11.530 --> 00:45:11.829 the best. 1076 00:45:11.969 --> 00:45:15.699 So I'm curious about what it took, because you talk 1077 00:45:15.739 --> 00:45:17.260 about this in the book, you had to sort of 1078 00:45:17.360 --> 00:45:20.800 overcome a lot in order to say, yeah, I think 1079 00:45:20.860 --> 00:45:22.239 I could get, I want to get married. 1080 00:45:22.670 --> 00:45:24.469 Obviously it's meeting your wife. 1081 00:45:24.489 --> 00:45:26.190 Well, it's so crazy because I think that we live 1082 00:45:26.210 --> 00:45:28.110 in this culture now where it's like, it's not, I 1083 00:45:28.130 --> 00:45:29.949 don't know, fashionable to get married. Like none of my 1084 00:45:29.989 --> 00:45:31.570 friends are married or anything like that. Like you don't 1085 00:45:31.630 --> 00:45:34.030 know what to do or I didn't know what to do. 1086 00:45:34.050 --> 00:45:35.889 Like, it's like, okay, maybe we'll get married. Maybe we'll 1087 00:45:35.909 --> 00:45:36.429 do this thing. 1088 00:45:36.469 --> 00:45:41.150 And, and, and I think the stress of asking someone 1089 00:45:41.230 --> 00:45:43.469 to marry you is an intense thing. And my wife 1090 00:45:43.730 --> 00:45:45.469 is one of these people that June, I'm going to 1091 00:45:45.489 --> 00:45:46.489 remind you, it's June. 1092 00:45:46.530 --> 00:45:54.659 Thank you. Like the month. Okay, yeah. So June. Hey, July, baby, 1093 00:45:54.699 --> 00:45:57.639 I love you. It's June. Right, right, right. I knew 1094 00:45:57.659 --> 00:46:01.639 it was summer. So May and I are out. But like, 1095 00:46:01.659 --> 00:46:04.360 you know, so I kind of planned this like, like, 1096 00:46:04.420 --> 00:46:05.260 you know, surprise. 1097 00:46:05.820 --> 00:46:07.619 She didn't know I was going to ask her to 1098 00:46:07.880 --> 00:46:09.000 marry her. And I think there's a lot of people 1099 00:46:09.019 --> 00:46:10.639 like you plan it out, like you pick a ring 1100 00:46:10.679 --> 00:46:13.829 out together and there's like a little gamemanship there. But 1101 00:46:13.889 --> 00:46:15.849 I didn't know I was going to do it all 1102 00:46:15.889 --> 00:46:18.119 in secret. June is the type of person where you 1103 00:46:18.239 --> 00:46:20.360 have to tell her every detail. 1104 00:46:20.000 --> 00:46:20.539 Of the night. 1105 00:46:20.940 --> 00:46:22.719 She often will bail on one of the details. We 1106 00:46:22.760 --> 00:46:24.360 can't do more than one thing in one night. We 1107 00:46:24.380 --> 00:46:26.420 go see a movie. We can't have dinner in a movie. 1108 00:46:26.679 --> 00:46:27.079 Oh, really? 1109 00:46:27.139 --> 00:46:27.400 Oh, yeah. 1110 00:46:27.460 --> 00:46:29.920 She is one, one and done. She's like, and my 1111 00:46:29.980 --> 00:46:32.260 energy reserve is over. But this night I needed to 1112 00:46:32.320 --> 00:46:35.139 get it to a second location because I knew that 1113 00:46:35.159 --> 00:46:36.860 that's where I was going to propose to her. And 1114 00:46:36.889 --> 00:46:38.949 I was like, hey, you know, maybe we'll maybe on 1115 00:46:38.969 --> 00:46:41.150 the way home from dinner, we'll go stop at this beach. 1116 00:46:41.170 --> 00:46:43.090 I hear it's nice. And she's like, OK. 1117 00:46:43.389 --> 00:46:45.530 And like, OK, so we are committing to that, that 1118 00:46:45.550 --> 00:46:47.219 we are going to we're definitely go to that beach. 1119 00:46:47.239 --> 00:46:49.320 Cause I have to lock her in. So she can't 1120 00:46:49.360 --> 00:46:51.260 pull out of it. And she's like, yeah, yeah, we'll 1121 00:46:51.280 --> 00:46:51.619 go to the beach. 1122 00:46:51.639 --> 00:46:53.639 I was like, great. Just confirming though. One more time. 1123 00:46:53.679 --> 00:46:56.000 We are going to, we're going to the beach. She 1124 00:46:56.019 --> 00:46:57.019 knows you're getting engaged. 1125 00:46:58.659 --> 00:47:01.219 Just so you know, we're going to the place where 1126 00:47:01.260 --> 00:47:03.010 it's soft to kneel down. 1127 00:47:03.929 --> 00:47:06.309 So she, she goes like, you know, so we were 1128 00:47:06.389 --> 00:47:07.929 driving home from the restaurant. I go, all right, we'll 1129 00:47:07.949 --> 00:47:09.909 go to that beach. It's like, why let's go home. 1130 00:47:10.230 --> 00:47:10.750 I go home. 1131 00:47:10.809 --> 00:47:12.329 You did say we were going to, we're going to go. 1132 00:47:12.369 --> 00:47:13.820 And she's like, All right, we'll go to the beach. 1133 00:47:14.139 --> 00:47:16.699 So now I'm like bringing her there under duress and 1134

00:47:16.739 --> 00:47:17.840 I'm like, all right, I got to propose. 1135 00:47:17.860 --> 00:47:18.429 I'm going to propose. 1136 00:47:18.719 --> 00:47:21.159 I'm walking her out to this thing and I get ready. I, 1137 00:47:21.150 --> 00:47:23.969 you know, I'm about to propose and I popped down 1138 00:47:24.010 --> 00:47:25.639 on one knee and I go, Jim, you know, Will 1139 00:47:25.659 --> 00:47:27.449 you marry me? And she looks at me with this 1140 00:47:27.610 --> 00:47:29.550 horrified look on her face. And she's like, what the 1141 00:47:29.730 --> 00:47:33.590 fuck are you doing? And I've never moved so fast 1142 00:47:33.650 --> 00:47:36.170 in my life. That ring box got closed, but shoved 1143 00:47:36.210 --> 00:47:37.210 back in my pants and jumped up. 1144 00:47:37.210 --> 00:47:40.130 I was like, what? What happened? I don't know. What 1145 00:47:40.210 --> 00:47:40.650 are you talking about? 1146 00:47:40.670 --> 00:47:42.570 She's like, what are you talking about? And she thought 1147 00:47:42.750 --> 00:47:45.829 I was doing a bit. that I had like done, 1148 00:47:45.849 --> 00:47:47.610 like just brought her here. I was like, when have 1149 00:47:47.670 --> 00:47:50.610 I done a marry me bit, you know, in the 1150 00:47:50.630 --> 00:47:52.420 middle of this beach, you know? 1151 00:47:52.480 --> 00:47:54.340 So I'm like, I know it's not a bit. And 1152 00:47:54.360 --> 00:47:55.639 she's like, are you sure it's not a bit? 1153 00:47:55.679 --> 00:48:00.159 I'm like, I'm like convincing my wife that, that I'm 1154 00:48:00.260 --> 00:48:00.820 not trying to. 1155 00:48:00.840 --> 00:48:03.500 Don't you also understand that this is what we deserve? Yes. 1156 00:48:03.579 --> 00:48:06.510 A hundred percent. We've devoted our lives to bits. Yes. 1157 00:48:07.070 --> 00:48:09.750 And this is what we deserve to be not believed 1158 00:48:09.789 --> 00:48:10.289 in that moment. 1159 00:48:10.389 --> 00:48:12.730 The person who will like leave one room, have a 1160 00:48:12.750 --> 00:48:14.750 hidden Freddy Krueger mask in the other, put it on, 1161 00:48:14.769 --> 00:48:16.829 then come back in and go, what? Scare the shit 1162 00:48:16.869 --> 00:48:18.550 out of her. Like, yeah, of course you're not going 1163 00:48:18.570 --> 00:48:19.829 to trust me when I ask you. 1164 00:48:19.730 --> 00:48:20.449 To marry me. 1165 00:48:20.489 --> 00:48:21.969 Were you wearing that mask when you proposed? 1166 00:48:21.989 --> 00:48:23.849 I did have that. I had the ring in one pocket. 1167 00:48:23.869 --> 00:48:26.670 A little detail he forgot to mention. So, you know, 1168 00:48:26.710 --> 00:48:28.409 and I had to convince her it wasn't a bit. 1169 00:48:28.429 --> 00:48:28.969 And I did. 1170 00:48:29.070 --> 00:48:31.010 And, you know, we kiss and it's this nice moment. 1171 00:48:31.030 --> 00:48:33.260 We're under the stars on this beach. And I just 1172 00:48:33.300 --> 00:48:36.980 hear from like the distance, get a room. And I

1173 00:48:37.260 --> 00:48:39.360 look up and there's like a kid who's been sitting 1174 00:48:39.400 --> 00:48:39.900 on the bluff. 1175 00:48:40.289 --> 00:48:42.309 Like watching this whole thing play out. 1176 00:48:42.829 --> 00:48:45.550 And we're like, and I turn and look at him 1177 00:48:45.570 --> 00:48:47.300 and he's like, get a room. 1178 00:48:47.429 --> 00:48:50.000 And he kept on just yelling, get a room. He 1179 00:48:50.019 --> 00:48:52.539 didn't switch it up to another line. Nope, just get 1180 00:48:52.599 --> 00:48:55.300 a room. And we're like, we're getting, we have a room. 1181 00:48:55.460 --> 00:48:57.639 We have a room. You should get a room. And 1182 00:48:57.659 --> 00:48:58.760 so we had to like leave the beach. 1183 00:48:58.860 --> 00:49:01.099 You should have invited him to the wedding. So when 1184 00:49:01.139 --> 00:49:03.010 you kiss at the end, get a room. 1185 00:49:03.110 --> 00:49:03.909 Get a room. 1186 00:49:05.309 --> 00:49:09.570 You have an interesting wedding vow that your wife insisted on, 1187 00:49:09.750 --> 00:49:10.949 June insisted on? 1188 00:49:11.510 --> 00:49:13.869 Yes, I promised I would never put her on Scare Tactics. 1189 00:49:14.730 --> 00:49:18.670 Which was a scary prank show. She was like, you 1190 00:49:18.710 --> 00:49:20.280 have to put that in your wedding vow because then 1191 00:49:20.300 --> 00:49:22.800 you can't break that. But the thing that was the 1192 00:49:22.840 --> 00:49:25.920 best about our wedding was, um, She let me hire 1193 00:49:25.940 --> 00:49:27.880 a Jack Nicholson impersonator to be my best man. 1194 00:49:28.519 --> 00:49:30.119 Oh, my God. 1195 00:49:30.159 --> 00:49:34.000 You deserve all bad things that. 1196 00:49:32.840 --> 00:49:36.420 Come your way. You deserve a terrible life, Paul. 1197 00:49:37.599 --> 00:49:42.949 This Jack Nicholson impersonator who arrived to the wedding late 1198 00:49:42.969 --> 00:49:43.460 and goes, hey. 1199 00:49:43.550 --> 00:49:45.730 Sorry I'm late. I was at a party at Roman 1200 00:49:45.769 --> 00:49:48.909 Polanski's house. Oh, no. 1201 00:49:48.969 --> 00:49:51.090 That was his opening line. Now, the room is kind 1202 00:49:51.150 --> 00:49:53.760 of split. of like parents and adults on one side 1203 00:49:53.800 --> 00:49:55.059 and all of our friends on the other. Now our 1204 00:49:55.139 --> 00:49:58.550 friends on the other side are having the best time. Like, ah, 1205 00:49:58.570 --> 00:50:00.389 this is insane. And the people on the other side 1206 00:50:00.409 --> 00:50:02.389 are going, oh, I think he might know Jack Nicholson. 1207 00:50:03.079 --> 00:50:06.400 And now I had written this speech for the Jack Nicholson. 1208 00:50:06.619 --> 00:50:08.610 And I was like, you know, Paul and June are 1209 00:50:08.659 --> 00:50:09.570 as good as it gets. 1210 00:50:09.989 --> 00:50:14.429 You know, and he was just a wolf. And, you know, and, 1211 00:50:14.469 --> 00:50:16.949 you know, but he's going to give her some terms 1212 00:50:17.030 --> 00:50:19.329 of endearment. 1213 00:50:19.409 --> 00:50:21.309 What did you get to like once over the cuckoo's nest? 1214 00:50:21.389 --> 00:50:24.869 Oh, I did everything. Why are you still married? How 1215 00:50:24.949 --> 00:50:26.050 is this? Hey, wait a minute. 1216 00:50:26.210 --> 00:50:30.360 Why has this not been annulled? Why didn't lightning strike? 1217 00:50:30.400 --> 00:50:31.800 How'd you get about Schmidt? 1218 00:50:33.050 --> 00:50:36.690 So I tell him, I tell this guy the whole thing. Oh, 1219 00:50:36.929 --> 00:50:38.829 trust me. He does. Oh, I get it all in there. 1220 00:50:39.230 --> 00:50:41.769 And he goes, uh, and, and, and he goes, uh, great. 1221 00:50:41.809 --> 00:50:43.949 I got it. And, and then the day of the wedding, uh, 1222 00:50:44.400 --> 00:50:49.820 he pulls me aside. He goes, you have a teleprompter teleprompter. No, 1223 00:50:49.880 --> 00:50:52.519 it's a wedding. There's no teleprompter at my wedding. He 1224 00:50:52.539 --> 00:50:54.960 goes like, I'm not going to really remember the, too 1225 00:50:54.980 --> 00:50:57.679 much of the speech. And I go, okay. How about 1226 00:50:57.739 --> 00:50:58.480 read it? Yeah. 1227 00:50:58.659 --> 00:50:59.880 I was like, yeah, you can have it on PP. 1228 00:51:00.000 --> 00:51:02.000 He's like, I can't see it. I got to wear 1229 00:51:02.019 --> 00:51:06.409 my sunglasses. He's wearing his sunglasses. And so he starts 1230 00:51:06.489 --> 00:51:09.949 devolving into things that aren't even Jack Nicholson. 1231 00:51:09.969 --> 00:51:18.190 He goes, June and Paul. Yummy, yummy. So he starts improvising. 1232 00:51:18.250 --> 00:51:21.190 Improvising his Jack Nicholson. 1233 00:51:21.309 --> 00:51:30.280 Yummy, yummy. Yummy, yummy. And then he ends his speech 1234 00:51:30.300 --> 00:51:32.760 by going, and if anyone wants to give me a hug, 1235 00:51:32.820 --> 00:51:37.440 I'll be standing right over here. And he just stood 1236 00:51:37.780 --> 00:51:40.369 awkwardly on this. People are like, you can leave now. 1237 00:51:40.389 --> 00:51:41.469 You can go now. Yeah, you can go now. 1238 00:51:42.110 --> 00:51:44.530 Uh, but that Jack Nichols, I did know that I 1239 00:51:44.570 --> 00:51:46.329 married the right person that when I brought that up 1240 00:51:46.369 --> 00:51:47.909 to June, she was like, you. 1241 00:51:47.829 --> 00:51:52.030 Can have them. And that was a nice, a nice moment. Yeah. 1242 00:51:53.409 --> 00:51:55.250 That would have not have gone over well for me. 1243 00:51:55.269 --> 00:51:57.650 You don't have to. 1244 00:51:57.409 --> 00:51:58.090 Think for impersonators. 1245 00:51:58.150 --> 00:52:00.340 Remember that mission impossible screening you did and you had 1246 00:52:00.360 --> 00:52:01.579 a Tom Cruise impersonator. 1247 00:52:01.599 --> 00:52:04.380 So I, my friend, uh, said, Hey, you want to 1248 00:52:04.400 --> 00:52:06.239 have like a mission possible screening? You

can invite your 1249 00:52:06.280 --> 00:52:06.789 friends to it. 1250 00:52:07.320 --> 00:52:08.059 And I was like, yeah. 1251 00:52:08.139 --> 00:52:10.630 And so, uh, unbeknownst to her, we get this beautiful 1252 00:52:10.670 --> 00:52:13.130 theater impairment and we invite all of our friends. And 1253 00:52:13.690 --> 00:52:16.070 I know this guy, or I've seen this guy on Instagram. 1254 00:52:16.230 --> 00:52:17.929 He's a Tom Cruise impersonator. I'm like, this would be great. 1255 00:52:17.969 --> 00:52:20.769 I'll have him introduce the movie. He looks a lot 1256 00:52:20.809 --> 00:52:24.389 like him. And I hire him and, you know, I 1257 00:52:24.389 --> 00:52:25.650 was like, it's going to be fun. And the guy's 1258 00:52:25.690 --> 00:52:27.219 charging me a lot of money for really just like 1259 00:52:27.679 --> 00:52:29.389 literally come in and say, Hey, I'm so excited about 1260 00:52:29.409 --> 00:52:29.889 this movie. 1261 00:52:31.030 --> 00:52:31.300 You know? 1262 00:52:31.440 --> 00:52:34.940 And, and so I get there and, and all of 1263 00:52:34.960 --> 00:52:36.860 a sudden someone comes up to me like, did you 1264 00:52:36.900 --> 00:52:37.960 hire a Tom Cruise impersonator? 1265 00:52:38.300 --> 00:52:40.909 And I go, You can't do this. You can't do this. 1266 00:52:40.969 --> 00:52:44.010 And everyone's freaking out because we're on Paramount property and 1267 00:52:44.050 --> 00:52:47.769 it's Tom Cruise. And they're like, we don't mess with that. 1268 00:52:47.829 --> 00:52:50.050 He does not like impersonators. You need to get rid 1269 00:52:50.090 --> 00:52:50.530 of this guy. 1270 00:52:50.889 --> 00:52:57.400 And I'm like, oh, you need to kill him. And 1271 00:52:57.440 --> 00:52:59.500 I'm like, but I mean, it'll be fine. It'll be fun. 1272 00:52:59.539 --> 00:53:00.809 And they're like, you got to get rid of him. 1273 00:53:00.840 --> 00:53:04.119 And I don't know what to do. And, and luckily 1274 00:53:04.139 --> 00:53:05.519 I'm like, I think it will be fine. I think 1275 00:53:05.539 --> 00:53:08.320 we'll tell nobody to take pictures of it or anything 1276 00:53:08.360 --> 00:53:11.420 like that. And he's like, and I finally like we 1277 00:53:11.980 --> 00:53:13.760 they get him to relent and we bring in this 1278 00:53:13.820 --> 00:53:15.039 guy and he crashed. 1279 00:53:15.619 --> 00:53:17.380 He was great. He was great. He came in as 1280 00:53:17.400 --> 00:53:20.960 Tom Cruise. Nothing untoward about Tom. He did. He did 1281 00:53:20.980 --> 00:53:23.920 Tom Cruise a solid. I feel like he presented the 1282 00:53:23.960 --> 00:53:27.219 best version of Tom Cruise. OK, here's my impersonator story. 1283 00:53:27.539 --> 00:53:29.760 The year is, I believe, 1984. 1284 00:53:29.760 --> 00:53:35.179 I'm just starting to befriend and write comedy with Greg Daniels. 1285 00:53:35.420 --> 00:53:38.000 And we're in college and we go visit his parents 1286 00:53:38.059 --> 00:53:41.349 who live. in Rhode Island at the time. They live 1287 00:53:41.369 --> 00:53:43.670 in Barrington, Rhode Island, and his dad's a big wig 1288 00:53:43.889 --> 00:53:46.769 at the radio station. The father tells us he's hired 1289 00:53:46.809 --> 00:53:49.409 a Michael Jackson impersonator to be the star. 1290 00:53:49.190 --> 00:53:49.909 Of the parade. 1291 00:53:50.429 --> 00:53:52.630 And he said, can you guys help me out? Because 1292 00:53:52.860 --> 00:53:56.039 it was Greg, myself, and a couple of our friends. 1293 00:53:56.079 --> 00:53:58.179 He said, can you guys walk along on either side 1294 00:53:58.219 --> 00:54:01.639 like your bodyguards? I'll give you yellow t-shirts from the 1295 00:54:01.679 --> 00:54:03.599 radio station, but walk along and be sort of like 1296 00:54:03.619 --> 00:54:06.699 the bodyguards that walk along to protect. And Michael Jackson 1297 00:54:06.760 --> 00:54:08.929 is such a huge deal right now that It could 1298 00:54:08.949 --> 00:54:10.989 get out of hand, just be there in case something happens. 1299 00:54:11.050 --> 00:54:14.869 And we say, okay. So it's a big parade, 4th 1300 00:54:14.909 --> 00:54:18.309 of July, I think 1984, I want to say. And 1301 00:54:19.309 --> 00:54:20.230 I know this is real. 1302 00:54:20.250 --> 00:54:22.889 I didn't make this up in my crazy mind because 1303 00:54:22.929 --> 00:54:25.579 someone recently found a photograph. And I'm there and there's 1304 00:54:25.599 --> 00:54:28.610 another guy there, Dan McGrath. who's tall and lanky like me. 1305 00:54:28.650 --> 00:54:30.659 And he liked the idea of, yeah, you guys are tall. 1306 00:54:30.679 --> 00:54:31.880 You look like you could be bodyguards. 1307 00:54:31.980 --> 00:54:35.960 We don't. I was 6'4 and 155 pounds. And that's 1308 00:54:35.980 --> 00:54:37.079 wearing a 50 pound hat. 1309 00:54:37.300 --> 00:54:43.389 And so we're walking alongside the motorcade. Suddenly the entourage 1310 00:54:43.409 --> 00:54:46.570 shows up, because this Michael Jackson impersonator has an entourage. 1311 00:54:46.929 --> 00:54:50.289 And then he shows up. Sona looks more like Michael 1312 00:54:50.309 --> 00:54:57.150 Jackson than this guy does. Seriously, seriously, Eduardo, it's like, 1313 00:54:57.769 --> 00:55:00.570 I swear to God, Eduardo, it's like if you wore 1314 00:55:00.650 --> 00:55:02.349 a glove, a Michael Jackson glove. 1315 00:55:03.730 --> 00:55:05.369 And said, I'm Michael Jackson. 1316 00:55:06.769 --> 00:55:09.349 He looked nothing like Michael Jackson, but he had the 1317 00:55:09.449 --> 00:55:12.519 glove and he put some sunglasses on and he sat 1318 00:55:12.559 --> 00:55:15.539 in the back and they had told everybody, we've got 1319 00:55:15.599 --> 00:55:18.059 a special guest and it's going to be a real 1320 00:55:18.239 --> 00:55:21.599 thriller for all of you. So everybody turns out in 1321 00:55:21.719 --> 00:55:24.039 all of Rhode Island to see this thing. And I'm 1322 00:55:24.079 --> 00:55:27.809 walking

alongside this motorcade and this is my favorite part. 1323 00:55:28.190 --> 00:55:30.510 I keep looking up at this guy and he's sort 1324 00:55:30.530 --> 00:55:32.889 of talking like Michael and acting like fame's been rough 1325 00:55:32.929 --> 00:55:33.230 for him. 1326 00:55:34.159 --> 00:55:36.429 And he doesn't know how to handle the new fame of. 1327 00:55:36.429 --> 00:55:39.409 Being, and I'm thinking, what are you talking about? 1328 00:55:39.429 --> 00:55:41.590 I believe you're from Cuba. 1329 00:55:44.030 --> 00:55:47.769 And I think you have a Dutch accent. 1330 00:55:48.670 --> 00:55:51.469 Everything's wrong. You could lose some weight. Like, it was 1331 00:55:51.489 --> 00:55:55.050 just crazy. So he's sitting in the, and at one point, 1332 00:55:55.980 --> 00:55:57.760 people I can tell are just sort of bummed out. 1333 00:55:57.780 --> 00:55:59.579 And at one point a kid steps out of the 1334 00:55:59.619 --> 00:56:01.889 crowd with a water balloon and it's right in my, 1335 00:56:02.179 --> 00:56:06.110 like I'm blocking, it's between me and I step back 1336 00:56:06.389 --> 00:56:10.469 out of the way and he nails the fake Michael Jackson. 1337 00:56:11.969 --> 00:56:15.110 I step out of the way. And I remember Greg's 1338 00:56:15.170 --> 00:56:16.929 dad afterwards saying, I saw that. 1339 00:56:17.630 --> 00:56:19.880 You like, you did nothing. And I was like, he 1340 00:56:19.920 --> 00:56:23.400 looks nothing like Michael Jackson. I'm not going to take 1341 00:56:23.440 --> 00:56:28.980 a water balloon for him. Let alone a bullet. Absolute madness. 1342 00:56:29.099 --> 00:56:32.389 Oh my God. I want to make sure I mentioned 1343 00:56:32.409 --> 00:56:33.570 the title. Yes. 1344 00:56:33.750 --> 00:56:37.050 First of all, we could talk, I believe. For 15 hours. 1345 00:56:38.500 --> 00:56:40.019 It's a joy to talk to you, Paul. 1346 00:56:40.159 --> 00:56:40.900 And I knew that. 1347 00:56:41.019 --> 00:56:44.619 So this is one of those just absolutely fun. It 1348 00:56:44.639 --> 00:56:46.780 feels like a vacation day. I'm going to make sure 1349 00:56:46.800 --> 00:56:48.280 that none of us get paid because we shouldn't be 1350 00:56:48.320 --> 00:56:49.880 paid to talk to you. Oh, no. 1351 00:56:49.900 --> 00:56:51.739 I want to get paid. No, no, no. I'll pay 1352 00:56:51.760 --> 00:56:53.510 for any of you. This is fun, but I want 1353 00:56:53.590 --> 00:56:54.130 to get paid. 1354 00:56:54.250 --> 00:56:56.510 Adam, with the exception of myself, I have to for 1355 00:56:56.550 --> 00:56:58.030 tax reasons, but no one else gets paid today. 1356 00:56:58.230 --> 00:56:59.409 It's that much of a joy. 1357 00:56:59.429 --> 00:56:59.889 What does that mean? 1358 00:56:59.909 --> 00:57:03.289 This is really nice. Well, we quit. Yeah. What's that? 1359 00:57:03.389 --> 00:57:03.710 We quit. 1360 00:57:04.050 --> 00:57:04.989 No, I don't want to quit. 1361 00:57:05.170 --> 00:57:07.090 Well, we got to stand up for our

rights. 1362 00:57:07.110 --> 00:57:09.949 Don't say that on mic. You bet we're going to 1363 00:57:09.969 --> 00:57:11.710 quit and then quietly have a conversation later. 1364 00:57:11.730 --> 00:57:12.949 I got nothing else going on. 1365 00:57:13.610 --> 00:57:15.070 There we go. 1366 00:57:15.110 --> 00:57:16.630 There we go. 1367 00:57:16.670 --> 00:57:17.929 Hey, thank you, Michael. 1368 00:57:17.989 --> 00:57:24.949 Is that Michael Jackson down there? The book is Joyful 1369 00:57:25.070 --> 00:57:29.489 Recollections of Trauma. And it really is a delight. And 1370 00:57:29.510 --> 00:57:33.599 Paul Scheer, big fan of yours uh you've you're so 1371 00:57:33.679 --> 00:57:36.099 funny and you've got a big heart and please come 1372 00:57:36.139 --> 00:57:39.019 back because we could we could do this for 15. 1373 00:57:38.480 --> 00:57:39.760 Hours and i would love to have you come back 1374 00:57:39.800 --> 00:57:41.199 to how did this get made one time oh i 1375 00:57:41.219 --> 00:57:42.460 would do that yeah that'd be really fun. 1376 00:57:42.460 --> 00:57:45.739 Yeah let's pick uh please just a not a baby movie. 1377 00:57:45.519 --> 00:57:47.360 I can't do it for you yeah no we'll give 1378 00:57:47.389 --> 00:57:49.280 you something good we'll give you something upsetting when uh 1379 00:57:49.320 --> 00:57:52.150 when such an innocent young creature says. 1380 00:57:51.989 --> 00:57:55.650 I'd like to fuck her like crazy you know it's 1381 00:57:55.670 --> 00:57:58.670 like i can't handle it it's. 1382 00:57:58.550 --> 00:58:03.170 Just upsetting And another thing about Italians. Wait a second, baby. 1383 00:58:03.530 --> 00:58:05.230 Why are you so.... 1384 00:58:06.110 --> 00:58:06.190 Baby. 1385 00:58:06.369 --> 00:58:08.690 Yeah, baby with crazy conspiracy theories. 1386 00:58:09.010 --> 00:58:13.670 We never landed on the moon. All right. Go in peace, 1387 00:58:13.710 --> 00:58:14.849 Paul Scheer. All right. 1388 00:58:21.510 --> 00:58:24.829 Ah, that's the thing about doors. Open one and whole 1389 00:58:24.869 --> 00:58:30.050 new worlds suddenly become possible. If you're searching for your 1390 00:58:30.130 --> 00:58:32.429 new home in Leish, the first thing you need to 1391 00:58:32.530 --> 00:58:37.239 open is MyHome, Ireland's trusted property platform. 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If you're new to Velo, start with Mellow. 1401 00:59:18.710 --> 00:59:20.230 You should not use this product if you do not 1402 00:59:20.329 --> 00:59:21.170 already use nicotine. 1403 00:59:22.829 --> 00:59:25.349 Don't miss out on Cash & Carry Kitchen's free fitting 1404 00:59:25.449 --> 00:59:28.630 offer which ends on September 26th. For a limited time, 1405 00:59:28.670 --> 00:59:31.340 you can save hundreds of euro on all our kitchens. 1406 00:59:31.639 --> 00:59:35.179 Any style, any colour, any size. The choice is yours, 1407 00:59:35.480 --> 00:59:38.440 but the fitting is on us. For free fitting on 1408 00:59:38.619 --> 00:59:42.889 all our kitchens, book your free design consultation on cashandcarrykitchens.ie 1409 00:59:43.199 --> 00:59:46.630 or visit one of our 17 showrooms nationwide. Cash and 1410 00:59:46.670 --> 00:59:51.130 Carry Kitchens. Create something more. Proud to be guaranteed Irish. 1411 00:59:51.630 --> 00:59:52.670 Terms and conditions apply. 1412 00:59:58.780 --> 01:00:00.139 Hey, let's do a voicemail. 1413 01:00:00.239 --> 01:00:01.079 What do you guys say? 1414 01:00:03.420 --> 01:00:04.000 Okay. 1415 01:00:04.219 --> 01:00:05.800 No, I don't want to. Bye. 1416 01:00:06.039 --> 01:00:08.699 Okay, Mickey Rooney. Mickey Rooney? 1417 01:00:08.719 --> 01:00:11.590 Hey, let's do a show. We'll do it in the backyard. 1418 01:00:12.030 --> 01:00:15.190 We'll raise enough money to save the town. Yes, I 1419 01:00:15.630 --> 01:00:17.389 would like to do a voicemail. I like to hear, 1420 01:00:18.110 --> 01:00:21.670 like any king, sometimes I like to remove my crown 1421 01:00:22.329 --> 01:00:25.039 and walk amongst the people. 1422 01:00:25.599 --> 01:00:27.179 Okay, here we go. Find out what they're really saying. 1423 01:00:27.480 --> 01:00:30.980 Hi, my name's Ben. I'm from Ohio. And my question 1424 01:00:31.139 --> 01:00:34.489 is a little morbid, but there's this new technology or 1425 01:00:34.510 --> 01:00:38.650 an app where you can scan QR codes on someone's 1426 01:00:38.750 --> 01:00:42.269 gravestone and it'll show a glimpse of their life or 1427 01:00:42.389 --> 01:00:46.500 flashbacks or videos of them or their legacy. So what 1428 01:00:46.559 --> 01:00:51.320 would your QR code show people once they've scanned it? 1429 01:00:51.800 --> 01:00:54.480 And while we're at it, what would Jordan Schlansky's look like? 1430 01:00:54.940 --> 01:00:55.219 Thank you. 1431 01:00:55.829 --> 01:00:57.889 Well, I got to say, Ben, that is a very 1432 01:00:58.030 --> 01:01:00.829 imaginative question. And I don't find that morbid at all 1433 01:01:00.849 --> 01:01:03.670 because I'm a morbid person. I spend maybe half my 1434 01:01:03.710 --> 01:01:08.510 day thinking about my own death and making elaborate, elaborate, 1435 01:01:08.730 -->

01:01:10.230 elaborate plans and rituals. 1436 01:01:11.530 --> 01:01:12.289 I love that idea. 1437 01:01:12.429 --> 01:01:17.219 I do think that gravestones are going to have screens. 1438 01:01:17.599 --> 01:01:21.679 They're basically just going to be screens and everyone's going 1439 01:01:21.699 --> 01:01:24.820 to download. all the pictures and video from their lives 1440 01:01:24.889 --> 01:01:27.110 so that when you're walking around in a graveyard, you're 1441 01:01:27.170 --> 01:01:30.530 actually walking through all these screens and you can look 1442 01:01:30.550 --> 01:01:33.989 at what that person experienced in their lifetime, their travels, 1443 01:01:34.050 --> 01:01:36.929 the food they ate. Yes, occasionally a dick pic. 1444 01:01:37.429 --> 01:01:41.099 Yours is just going to be their airing Samsung TV 1445 01:01:41.119 --> 01:01:43.420 of all the reruns of your old show. 1446 01:01:43.460 --> 01:01:46.119 There won't be traditional gravestones in the future. They'll all 1447 01:01:46.159 --> 01:01:50.429 be Samsung televisions that have a grave shape. And they'll 1448 01:01:50.449 --> 01:01:52.670 just be wedged in the ground. And people will go 1449 01:01:52.710 --> 01:01:56.130 to graveyards to really be entertained by what people did 1450 01:01:56.150 --> 01:02:00.150 in a previous life. The ultimate weirdness is going to 1451 01:02:00.170 --> 01:02:05.409 be people shooting themselves who are alive, people taping themselves, 1452 01:02:06.090 --> 01:02:11.880 watching other people's gravestones. So they're spending their lifetime watching 1453 01:02:11.940 --> 01:02:13.300 a dead person's lifetime. 1454 01:02:13.519 --> 01:02:16.800 Will that show up on their grave TV when they die? 1455 01:02:16.820 --> 01:02:20.690 Yes, yes, yes. And then the snake eats its tail 1456 01:02:21.110 --> 01:02:27.539 and civilization just becomes inverted and eventually it disappears. It's 1457 01:02:27.579 --> 01:02:29.679 a mind blower. But Ben, I'm glad you brought this 1458 01:02:29.780 --> 01:02:32.219 up because it's quite clear what my QR code is 1459 01:02:32.239 --> 01:02:35.679 going to be. It's going to lead you to all 1460 01:02:35.719 --> 01:02:40.960 my greatest hits, everything from my television career. And there's 1461 01:02:40.980 --> 01:02:43.440 also going to be commercials so that it's monetized. 1462 01:02:43.639 --> 01:02:44.590 Oh, no. 1463 01:02:44.780 --> 01:02:46.250 Yes. So what do you mean? 1464 01:02:46.349 --> 01:02:49.480 Oh, no, that's perfect because a grave needs upkeep. My 1465 01:02:49.539 --> 01:02:53.449 grave will be very heavily visited. I mean, look at 1466 01:02:53.489 --> 01:02:55.530 how many people go see Elvis. So we're going to 1467 01:02:55.570 --> 01:03:00.449 need security, upkeep, one of those red velvet ropes. There's 1468 01:03:00.469 --> 01:03:03.460 going to be concessions. Yes, I'm going to probably do 1469 01:03:03.500 --> 01:03:04.980 a lot of tie-ins. I'm going to make a lot 1470 01:03:05.019 --> 01:03:09.059 of deals before I go. And there will be commercials. 1471 01:03:09.679 --> 01:03:12.670 And that's going to help pay to keep the giant 1472 01:03:12.730 --> 01:03:14.230 mausoleum looking good. 1473 01:03:14.510 --> 01:03:15.170 What about this? 1474 01:03:15.250 --> 01:03:17.809 This very segment could be airing on your gravestone. Do 1475 01:03:17.829 --> 01:03:20.289 you want to say anything to people that when they 1476 01:03:20.329 --> 01:03:22.909 hear this right now in their time will be listening 1477 01:03:22.949 --> 01:03:24.139 to you at your graveyard? 1478 01:03:24.449 --> 01:03:27.619 Yeah, that's a really good point, Matt. Well, I want 1479 01:03:27.639 --> 01:03:31.900 to say hello. I had a good life. Not crazy 1480 01:03:31.940 --> 01:03:34.599 about the way I checked out. I still think it 1481 01:03:34.639 --> 01:03:37.840 was someone in my family who did me in. Right. 1482 01:03:38.400 --> 01:03:38.840 For sure. 1483 01:03:39.119 --> 01:03:41.239 I mean, breaks just don't fail like that. They were 1484 01:03:41.280 --> 01:03:43.260 pretty clearly cut, and I don't know why the DA 1485 01:03:43.300 --> 01:03:46.219 didn't investigate. Um, but I'm gone. 1486 01:03:46.360 --> 01:03:50.250 Let's deal with it. And, uh, but please really look 1487 01:03:50.309 --> 01:03:53.630 into my wife. I think she was responsible. 1488 01:03:54.230 --> 01:03:55.289 I just, I have a question. 1489 01:03:55.309 --> 01:03:55.690 Yeah. 1490 01:03:56.110 --> 01:03:58.260 Can I please be put in charge of putting the 1491 01:03:58.300 --> 01:03:59.280 QR code on there? 1492 01:03:59.670 --> 01:04:02.860 Cause I really, I really just wanted to go to 1493 01:04:02.880 --> 01:04:04.480 the menu for the cheesecake factory. 1494 01:04:08.340 --> 01:04:10.860 I want you to put all this work into getting 1495 01:04:10.900 --> 01:04:12.059 your QR code, right? 1496 01:04:12.320 --> 01:04:12.539 Right. 1497 01:04:12.900 --> 01:04:17.409 People go there. It's just to a menu for her restaurant. 1498 01:04:18.469 --> 01:04:20.769 Well, but quite, but quite a menu. I mean, the 1499 01:04:20.789 --> 01:04:24.789 cheesecake factory has, I mean, that's quite a menu. So 1500 01:04:24.929 --> 01:04:27.349 there's part of me that's almost okay with that, Sona. 1501 01:04:27.590 --> 01:04:28.130 Okay. 1502 01:04:29.010 --> 01:04:30.170 Yes, Matt, you have a question. 1503 01:04:30.190 --> 01:04:32.340 I have a comment to those people who are currently 1504 01:04:32.420 --> 01:04:33.820 visiting Conan's grave right now. 1505 01:04:33.940 --> 01:04:36.059 Sona and I are trapped in here. Can you please 1506 01:04:36.139 --> 01:04:36.639 get us out? 1507 01:04:36.820 --> 01:04:37.000 Help. 1508 01:04:37.420 --> 01:04:37.619 No. 1509 01:04:38.280 --> 01:04:41.349 No, because like any pharaoh, I wanted to be buried 1510 01:04:41.489 --> 01:04:43.289 along with my. 1511 01:04:44.579 --> 01:04:45.260 My servants? 1512 01:04:45.280 --> 01:04:47.519 Who

were killed when you died? 1513 01:04:47.840 --> 01:04:49.920 No, no, no. You weren't killed. You were buried alive 1514 01:04:49.980 --> 01:04:50.280 with me. 1515 01:04:50.880 --> 01:04:53.119 No! That's my biggest fear. 1516 01:04:53.260 --> 01:04:53.860 I won't do that. 1517 01:04:53.900 --> 01:04:54.280 Is it really? 1518 01:04:54.780 --> 01:04:56.059 Yes. Oh, you won't do that? 1519 01:04:56.780 --> 01:04:57.139 I won't. 1520 01:04:57.340 --> 01:04:59.639 Listen, if it wasn't my biggest fear, I'd. 1521 01:04:59.519 --> 01:05:00.340 Be fine with it. 1522 01:05:00.340 --> 01:05:01.340 Okay, that's your deal breaker. 1523 01:05:01.699 --> 01:05:04.070 But I don't want to, I would rather not be 1524 01:05:04.110 --> 01:05:06.610 buried alive. It really is. I have like nightmares about it. 1525 01:05:06.610 --> 01:05:09.170 That's your greatest fear? Yeah. What about you check into 1526 01:05:09.190 --> 01:05:10.489 a hotel and the bar is closed? 1527 01:05:11.570 --> 01:05:11.690 Okay. 1528 01:05:11.710 --> 01:05:11.969 Okay. 1529 01:05:14.880 --> 01:05:17.480 Cause I've seen you when that happens and you start 1530 01:05:17.539 --> 01:05:22.039 throwing shit around the lobby. It's pretty, it's pretty intense. No, 1531 01:05:22.119 --> 01:05:24.840 you were buried with me because, and you willingly went, 1532 01:05:24.900 --> 01:05:27.760 you're my loyal servants and everything I'm going to need 1533 01:05:27.800 --> 01:05:32.380 in the afterlife, which includes Matt, you Sona, um, and 1534 01:05:32.420 --> 01:05:36.900 some recording equipment and a lot of cheese popcorn that, uh, 1535 01:05:36.960 --> 01:05:37.840 that doesn't go stale. 1536 01:05:38.239 --> 01:05:41.079 It's hermetically sealed. That's all we need in the afterlife. 1537 01:05:41.139 --> 01:05:43.559 We're going to be podcasting from the afterlife. This is just, 1538 01:05:43.599 --> 01:05:44.039 this is hell. 1539 01:05:44.789 --> 01:05:46.550 I know. It's not hell. It's heaven. 1540 01:05:47.530 --> 01:05:48.139 It's heaven. 1541 01:05:48.519 --> 01:05:49.119 I'm busy. 1542 01:05:49.420 --> 01:05:51.320 Oh, and think about all the guests we'll get in 1543 01:05:51.340 --> 01:05:55.760 the afterlife. Why, here comes Abe Lincoln and Gandhi. And look, 1544 01:05:55.800 --> 01:05:58.179 they're with Dean Martin. Come on over, fellas. 1545 01:05:58.519 --> 01:06:00.090 They're doing a joint interview? 1546 01:06:00.110 --> 01:06:00.190 Yeah. 1547 01:06:00.210 --> 01:06:04.449 I mean, that's amazing. Okay. Yeah, exactly. I guess. Yeah, 1548 01:06:04.809 --> 01:06:06.210 I love that. I think it's fantastic. 1549 01:06:06.230 --> 01:06:09.730 We're going to get the best podcast guests in the afterlife. 1550 01:06:09.769 --> 01:06:10.960 That's where all the great people are. 1551 01:06:10.969 --> 01:06:11.300 Yeah. 1552 01:06:11.969 --> 01:06:13.389 I'm glad we had this talk and I'm glad we 1553 01:06:13.429 --> 01:06:16.010 answered this question. Ben, I'm going to get to work 1554 01:06:16.070 --> 01:06:18.929 right away on putting this QR code on my gravestone. 1555 01:06:19.469 --> 01:06:21.710 I hope we don't need it for many, many years. 1556 01:06:22.150 --> 01:06:23.250 The Cheesecake Factory. 1557 01:06:23.309 --> 01:06:24.969 But that's up to my wife and her plan to 1558 01:06:25.010 --> 01:06:27.719 get me out of the picture. Anyway, we'll put a 1559 01:06:27.739 --> 01:06:29.760 QR code on it and it will link to all 1560 01:06:29.800 --> 01:06:34.900 my greatest hits. Plus, every 20 minutes, the menu for 1561 01:06:34.920 --> 01:06:35.739 the Cheesecake Factory. 1562 01:06:39.849 --> 01:06:43.489 Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, with Conan O'Brien, Sona Movsesian, 1563 01:06:43.690 --> 01:06:47.309 and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced 1564 01:06:47.329 --> 01:06:50.369 by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, 1565 01:06:50.510 --> 01:06:53.780 and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song 1566 01:06:53.820 --> 01:06:57.239 by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take 1567 01:06:57.260 --> 01:07:03.650 it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair. And 1568 01:07:03.710 --> 01:07:07.389 our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing 1569 01:07:07.429 --> 01:07:11.010 by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by 1570 01:07:11.070 --> 01:07:14.599 Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and 1571 01:07:14.659 --> 01:07:17.019 Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on 1572 01:07:17.119 --> 01:07:19.840 Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on 1573 01:07:19.880 --> 01:07:22.760 a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the 1574 01:07:22.800 --> 01:07:27.000 Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847. 1575 01:07:26.860 --> 01:07:27.619 And leave a message. 1576 01:07:27.940 --> 01:07:30.280 It, too, could be featured on a future episode. And 1577 01:07:30.300 --> 01:07:33.159 if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs 1578 01:07:33.219 --> 01:07:37.289 a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. 1579 01:07:43.690 --> 01:07:46.539 Don't miss out on Cash & Carry Kitchen's free fitting offer, 1580 01:07:46.579 --> 01:07:49.659 which ends on September 26th. For a limited time, you 1581 01:07:49.679 --> 01:07:53.059 can save hundreds of euro on all our kitchens. Any style, 1582 01:07:53.380 --> 01:07:56.599 any colour, any size. The choice is yours, but the 1583 01:07:56.659 --> 01:08:00.139 fitting is on us. For free fitting on all our kitchens, 1584 01:08:00.360 --> 01:08:04.579 book your free design consultation on cashandcarrykitchens.ie or visit one 1585 01:08:04.599 --> 01:08:09.090 of our 17 showrooms nationwide. Cash and Carry Kitchens. Create 1586 01:08:09.139 --> 01:08:13.530 something more. Proud to be guaranteed Irish. Terms and conditions apply. 1587 01:08:14.159 --> 01:08:14.880 The KCR. 1588 01:08:15.340 --> 01:08:17.180 If ever there was a place in dire need of 1589 01:08:17.220 --> 01:08:21.000 an avocado scanner, it's here. So we've put one in 1590 01:08:21.020 --> 01:08:23.699 the new spa. No longer will locals have to merely 1591 01:08:23.880 --> 01:08:27.760 guess the ripeness of their avocados. Not into avos? Well, 1592 01:08:27.859 --> 01:08:31.659 there's bravado coffee, a deli and a Subway too. Under 1593 01:08:31.680 --> 01:08:33.319 the tree at the new spa KCR.