Moses Storm 的完整文字稿

crinkling the package. 81 00:03:39.550 --> 00:03:41.789 We're trying to- I'm trying to figure out who makes 82 00:03:41.870 --> 00:03:43.830 combos and they might be their own thing. 83 00:03:44.060 --> 00:03:46.080 That's very cool. Oh, you think it's just a factory 84 00:03:46.099 --> 00:03:47.120 somewhere that says combo? 85 00:03:47.780 --> 00:03:47.919 Yes. 86 00:03:48.379 --> 00:03:51.360 No, they've got to be owned by some massive concern. 87 00:03:52.219 --> 00:03:54.419 It doesn't say anything. Today's guest is a frequent. 88 00:03:54.719 --> 00:03:57.259 Hold on a second. I freaking love combos. Yeah, hold 89 00:03:57.300 --> 00:03:58.840 on a second. Why are we making this all about combos? 90 00:03:59.159 --> 00:04:01.389 This is how random things are. Just because you came 91 00:04:01.430 --> 00:04:05.930 in here munching on combos. Yeah. We're talking about combos. Yeah, 92 00:04:05.949 --> 00:04:08.800 this is, you can tell. It's just, people listening are like, 93 00:04:08.819 --> 00:04:12.550 this is too funny. No, it's not funny at all. 94 00:04:12.590 --> 00:04:15.469 It's awful. This is, what an awful opening. You're going 95 00:04:15.490 --> 00:04:17.410 to have another combo. I know that. No, no, no, no. 96 00:04:17.449 --> 00:04:19.069 I'm looking at it. I'm trying to see. You're right. 97 00:04:19.750 --> 00:04:22.009 It doesn't say Nestle on it. No, it doesn't. It 98 00:04:22.269 --> 00:04:25.829 doesn't say, yeah. Freewheeling combos. 99 00:04:26.009 --> 00:04:26.230 Right. 100 00:04:26.490 --> 00:04:31.810 By themselves. They're autonomous. It's by the makers of Chevrolet. Jesus. 101 00:04:32.250 --> 00:04:33.439 I used to eat these a lot when I was 102 00:04:33.449 --> 00:04:35.209 getting high. This might be too awful an opening. I 103 00:04:35.250 --> 00:04:38.279 think this opening sucks. Let's do another one. Are you 104 00:04:38.300 --> 00:04:38.980 being serious? 105 00:04:39.379 --> 00:04:39.639 Sure. 106 00:04:39.980 --> 00:04:40.220 Why? 107 00:04:40.339 --> 00:04:44.089 I think the bad ones are also still fun. I also, 108 00:04:44.129 --> 00:04:47.529 I think you're underestimating the popularity of combos. I think 109 00:04:47.569 --> 00:04:48.949 people are going to really love this. 110 00:04:49.129 --> 00:04:51.949 I think you're overestimating the other segments we do on 111 00:04:51.990 --> 00:04:53.709 this show that you might compare this to. 112 00:04:53.730 --> 00:04:57.540 Okay, well, I maintain this feels terrible to me. 113 00:04:57.829 --> 00:04:58.180 Okay. 114 00:04:58.220 --> 00:05:01.439 Now, look, I like combos. I have nothing against combos, 115 00:05:01.980 --> 00:05:04.399 but all we've done is talk about combos, and now 116 00:05:04.439 --> 00:05:07.089 I feel like I'm in a almost a whirlpool where 117 00:05:07.129 --> 00:05:10.389 I keep seeing combo. I can't stop talking about it 118 00:05:10.750 --> 00:05:14.709 because you've introduced it. Listen, I didn't mean to deride 119 00:05:14.759 --> 00:05:18.300 that snack and question whether it's real cheese on the inside. 120 00:05:18.339 --> 00:05:20.360 I think that was rash on my part. 121 00:05:20.480 --> 00:05:27.139 Yes. But I'm certain that's not cheese. Well, at least 122 00:05:27.199 --> 00:05:30.300 we got to the bottom of something. Is everything you 123 00:05:30.399 --> 00:05:31.100 eat real? 124 00:05:31.540 --> 00:05:34.560 Oh, come on. Come on. No, it's not. Well, Sona, 125 00:05:34.579 --> 00:05:37.990 I do hope you're eating healthy now that you're a mom. Ugh. 126 00:05:38.389 --> 00:05:41.610 You're still, you're breastfeeding. That's not too personal, is it? 127 00:05:41.670 --> 00:05:44.050 It's not. I pumped before we started recording. Right, so 128 00:05:44.329 --> 00:05:47.449 whatever you eat goes to the twins. It does. So 129 00:05:47.509 --> 00:05:51.199 if you're eating a combo and it's filled with lactin, gaiathalate, 130 00:05:51.240 --> 00:05:54.660 number five, dye number seven, that's going to your twins, 131 00:05:54.720 --> 00:05:55.540 Mikey and Charlie. 132 00:05:55.639 --> 00:05:56.160 Yeah, it is. 133 00:05:56.180 --> 00:05:56.420 Wow. 134 00:05:56.540 --> 00:05:58.620 And then you wonder, why do they glow at night? 135 00:06:01.240 --> 00:06:03.399 Why are they so easy to see in the fog? 136 00:06:04.060 --> 00:06:06.180 I mean, is everything that I'm going to eat going 137 00:06:06.199 --> 00:06:08.139 to be healthy? It's got to be, yes. 138 00:06:08.199 --> 00:06:08.439 Come on. 139 00:06:08.579 --> 00:06:13.120 You are feeding these lovely little twins. Yeah. They're six 140 00:06:13.180 --> 00:06:17.620 months old, and you're providing the building blocks. 141 00:06:17.800 --> 00:06:20.199 I know, but I can't eat. I love them, but 142 00:06:20.240 --> 00:06:21.819 I can't eat healthy for them. 143 00:06:22.620 --> 00:06:23.500 You eat pretty healthy. 144 00:06:24.420 --> 00:06:26.360 I need a snack every once in a while. 145 00:06:26.399 --> 00:06:28.560 Everyone does, that's not the problem. But most of the time, 146 00:06:28.579 --> 00:06:30.250 aren't you eating healthy stuff? I am actually, yeah. 147 00:06:30.490 --> 00:06:30.670 Okay. 148 00:06:30.689 --> 00:06:32.949 Yeah, I'm doing okay. What's the worst thing you were 149 00:06:32.970 --> 00:06:37.949 gonna eat today besides the combos? McDonald's. Oh, oh my Lord. Really? 150 00:06:38.290 --> 00:06:40.230 Every once in a while, I like need it. Do 151 00:06:40.250 --> 00:06:40.850 you get the shakes? 152 00:06:40.949 --> 00:06:43.769 Again, that would happen when I would get high back 153 00:06:43.810 --> 00:06:46.110 in the day, either McDonald's or Taco Bell. And it 154 00:06:46.129 --> 00:06:47.750 would be like two in the morning. I'd be like, 155 00:06:47.970 --> 00:06:48.949 I gotta get a burger. 156 00:06:49.569 --> 00:06:52.230 Do you remember before the live show, Sona, we had 157 00:06:52.269 --> 00:06:54.160 time to kill and you went, I'm going to McDonald's,

158 00:06:54.199 --> 00:06:55.779 what do you want? And you just went on a 159 00:06:55.959 --> 00:06:56.879 McDonald's mission. 160 00:06:57.439 --> 00:06:57.839 I did. 161 00:06:58.339 --> 00:06:58.579 I know. 162 00:06:59.110 --> 00:07:01.589 Do you think Taco Bell will ever just come out 163 00:07:01.670 --> 00:07:03.889 with an ad that says, Taco Bell, it's the best 164 00:07:03.930 --> 00:07:06.250 when you're high? Would they ever do that? They should. 165 00:07:06.269 --> 00:07:07.350 They should, right? 166 00:07:07.370 --> 00:07:07.470 Yeah. 167 00:07:08.040 --> 00:07:08.420 It is. 168 00:07:08.709 --> 00:07:08.959 Is it? 169 00:07:09.269 --> 00:07:11.000 Once I went to Taco Bell and I was like, 170 00:07:11.079 --> 00:07:14.860 I want 50 tacos. And they didn't even, they were 171 00:07:14.879 --> 00:07:16.720 just like, okay, do you need hot sauce? 172 00:07:16.759 --> 00:07:18.120 I don't know if I've mentioned that. I feel like 173 00:07:18.160 --> 00:07:20.079 I have, but I just- I don't think so. I've 174 00:07:20.120 --> 00:07:20.839 never heard this before. 175 00:07:20.939 --> 00:07:23.449 So, yeah, my friends and I, we were high. We 176 00:07:23.470 --> 00:07:25.110 went to the Taco Bell. We're like, can we have 177 00:07:25.110 --> 00:07:27.649 50 tacos? And we were like, oh, my God, it's 178 00:07:27.670 --> 00:07:30.189 going to take hours for them to make it. They 179 00:07:30.370 --> 00:07:33.250 did not at all react. They were like, sure, no problem. 180 00:07:33.269 --> 00:07:34.939 What kind of hot sauce do you want? And we're like, 181 00:07:35.040 --> 00:07:37.620 this hot sauce, whatever. And then we got to the 182 00:07:37.680 --> 00:07:40.560 window and they handed us a carton made for high 183 00:07:40.639 --> 00:07:43.870 people that had 50 tacos in it. 184 00:07:43.899 --> 00:07:46.550 Oh, my God. Right. So at some corporate level, they've 185 00:07:46.699 --> 00:07:49.170 accepted that a huge number of the people going to 186 00:07:49.209 --> 00:07:51.750 Taco Bell are high and that they will cater to them. 187 00:07:51.790 --> 00:07:53.490 They just can't say it in their advertising. 188 00:07:53.509 --> 00:07:53.689 Yeah. 189 00:07:53.769 --> 00:07:57.509 It's like those shower massagers that are clearly not for 190 00:07:57.569 --> 00:08:00.500 anything other than really massaging. You know what I'm saying? 191 00:08:00.839 --> 00:08:02.399 No, I don't know what you're saying. 192 00:08:02.439 --> 00:08:03.199 You know what I'm talking about. 193 00:08:03.220 --> 00:08:03.600 Come on. 194 00:08:03.740 --> 00:08:05.620 You know what I'm talking about. What if you used 195 00:08:05.639 --> 00:08:07.449 your shower massage? I don't have one. 196 00:08:07.480 --> 00:08:10.420 I'm just saying they're sold in like a CVS with 197 00:08:10.459 --> 00:08:13.100 the kind of like bulbous end. And it's like, oh, yeah, 198 00:08:13.500 --> 00:08:15.939 relax your muscles in the shower. But what we really 199 00:08:16.019

--> 00:08:18.189 know is going on there. No, what are you talking about? 200 00:08:18.209 --> 00:08:19.850 I have no idea what you're talking about. What are 201 00:08:19.889 --> 00:08:20.709 you talking about? 202 00:08:20.970 --> 00:08:21.329 No idea. 203 00:08:21.350 --> 00:08:23.569 You know what, girl? You probably look at everything like that. 204 00:08:23.589 --> 00:08:25.490 You're like, oh, we all know what those traffic cones 205 00:08:25.550 --> 00:08:26.290 are really for. 206 00:08:26.430 --> 00:08:28.709 Well, come on. Look at the microphones we're talking into. 207 00:08:28.910 --> 00:08:30.170 We know what's really going on here. 208 00:08:30.410 --> 00:08:32.230 You look at everything that way. Oh, look at that 209 00:08:32.289 --> 00:08:33.850 weather stripping. Oh, boy. 210 00:08:33.909 --> 00:08:35.929 Oh, don't get me started. Oh, I could have a 211 00:08:35.950 --> 00:08:39.009 good time with that. I don't want to tube in you. 212 00:08:40.649 --> 00:08:44.450 I'm going to say that a iconic actress, I was 213 00:08:44.570 --> 00:08:47.980 once having a party at my home. An iconic actress 214 00:08:48.480 --> 00:08:51.259 was there. I cannot say the name, but an iconic actress. 215 00:08:51.629 --> 00:08:55.169 Superstar actress was there and she asked for a quick 216 00:08:55.210 --> 00:08:56.750 tour of the house and I was showing her the 217 00:08:56.769 --> 00:08:59.120 house and then I showed her my wife's closet and 218 00:08:59.139 --> 00:09:02.620 there was a bunch of shoes on like a rack 219 00:09:02.980 --> 00:09:05.259 and she went, oh, with these shoes, I bet you 220 00:09:05.299 --> 00:09:07.370 and your wife have a pretty good time with these 221 00:09:07.610 --> 00:09:08.269 high heels. 222 00:09:08.409 --> 00:09:08.909 Oh my God. 223 00:09:10.149 --> 00:09:12.950 To this day, I don't know what she's talking about. 224 00:09:13.230 --> 00:09:15.750 Oh my God. I don't know. Does she mean I'm 225 00:09:15.789 --> 00:09:18.320 wearing them and she's wearing, or am I taking the 226 00:09:18.379 --> 00:09:21.360 heel of a shoe and shoving it into my- No. 227 00:09:21.580 --> 00:09:23.860 What am I doing? Stop, don't even finish whatever you're 228 00:09:23.879 --> 00:09:25.200 about to say. Well, I don't know what she meant. 229 00:09:25.919 --> 00:09:28.450 She meant she wears them and then she's like, sexy 230 00:09:28.490 --> 00:09:30.730 time for you. No, she meant the two of us 231 00:09:30.909 --> 00:09:33.970 doing something with the shoes and it meant both of us. 232 00:09:34.730 --> 00:09:34.809 Oh. 233 00:09:34.830 --> 00:09:38.500 And I cannot name the actress. I just can't. Can 234 00:09:38.539 --> 00:09:41.039 you mouth it? You will after. I know. No, because 235 00:09:41.059 --> 00:09:44.200 then you're going to say, oh, he just mouthed Sally Fields. 236 00:09:43.799 --> 00:09:45.840 And we all know- Is that who it was? 237 00:09:46.240 --> 00:09:48.340 No, it was not. But I gave, I sure had 238 00:09:48.360 --> 00:09:50.279 you going there for a second. It was not, but 239 00:09:50.320 --> 00:09:53.679 everything I've told you is true. Anyway, that's my story 240 00:09:53.710 --> 00:09:55.470 and I'm sticking to it. That actress says how to 241 00:09:55.509 --> 00:09:58.549 heal shoved up her vagina, for sure. Don't say that. 242 00:09:58.570 --> 00:10:02.259 For starters. you guys are being subtle. I'm saying it 243 00:10:02.440 --> 00:10:05.379 as it is. Is that what you meant? I don't 244 00:10:05.500 --> 00:10:08.139 mean anything. Gorley's the one that can look at anything 245 00:10:08.179 --> 00:10:10.000 and immediately see an erotic adventure. 246 00:10:10.080 --> 00:10:11.940 By the way, can I see one of those combos? 247 00:10:12.000 --> 00:10:12.919 I'm getting turned on. 248 00:10:12.919 --> 00:10:16.279 Yeah, yeah. Gorley sees a combo and he's like, oh yeah. 249 00:10:16.299 --> 00:10:18.679 They say it's a pretzel snack with cheese in it, 250 00:10:18.679 --> 00:10:20.620 but we all know what it's... Really four. 251 00:10:21.539 --> 00:10:23.460 I run a section of the dark web that gives 252 00:10:23.519 --> 00:10:26.049 the real purposes for everyday things. 253 00:10:26.190 --> 00:10:29.029 I hear moaning from Gorley's office. I kick the door down. 254 00:10:29.070 --> 00:10:33.110 He's in there with combos all over his nipples. It's 255 00:10:33.169 --> 00:10:35.990 not even real cheese. The rap site came up right 256 00:10:36.070 --> 00:10:40.090 as you said that. Oh, he wants to wrap it up. Guys, guys, guys, 257 00:10:40.110 --> 00:10:41.740 we have a lot of show today. A lot of show. 258 00:10:41.769 --> 00:10:46.210 So let's just stick with that mental image. Gorley having sex. 259 00:10:47.049 --> 00:10:49.149 explosive orgasms covered. 260 00:10:48.870 --> 00:10:49.870 In pretzel combos. 261 00:10:49.950 --> 00:10:51.110 Oh, come on, you're kidding. 262 00:10:51.230 --> 00:10:52.789 That's just, you've gone too far. 263 00:10:53.169 --> 00:10:54.289 Or not far enough. 264 00:10:54.309 --> 00:10:54.789 Ooh. 265 00:10:55.070 --> 00:10:57.549 All right, well, I'm very happy. My guest today is 266 00:10:57.610 --> 00:11:02.009 a hilarious comedian who has performed standup on my show, 267 00:11:02.210 --> 00:11:07.720 and he actually toured with me in 2018. We had 268 00:11:07.740 --> 00:11:12.120 a blast performing on the road together. He was delightfully 269 00:11:12.179 --> 00:11:16.320 funny every single night. His new comedy special, Trash White 270 00:11:16.460 --> 00:11:21.059 is available now on HBO Max. I am very happy 271 00:11:21.360 --> 00:11:24.139 that he's here with us today. He's a very funny guy, 272 00:11:24.230 --> 00:11:35.690 very talented, and a good friend. Moses Storm, welcome. Let's 273 00:11:35.750 --> 00:11:39.669 preface this by saying I am delighted to be your 274 00:11:39.730 --> 00:11:42.809 friend because I will just let the Let the crowd in. 275 00:11:42.830 --> 00:11:47.549 I met

you a couple of years ago, really, at 276 00:11:47.590 --> 00:11:52.669 Comic-Con when you did just terrific, terrific work for me. 277 00:11:53.129 --> 00:11:56.190 And then I did a tour with a bunch of stand-ups, 278 00:11:57.250 --> 00:12:00.809 young folk, whippersnappers, and you were kind enough to join 279 00:12:00.850 --> 00:12:04.950 me on that. Again, my favorite thing in comedy is 280 00:12:04.970 --> 00:12:08.470 when you find people that are really funny. in a 281 00:12:08.590 --> 00:12:12.379 genuine creative way and have an authentic voice, but they're 282 00:12:12.440 --> 00:12:19.149 also very nice people. And you checked every box and 283 00:12:19.190 --> 00:12:21.190 we had a really good time hanging out together. And 284 00:12:22.429 --> 00:12:24.639 then the tour was over. And I remembered I had 285 00:12:24.679 --> 00:12:26.720 my lawyer go to you and say, that's it, you 286 00:12:26.740 --> 00:12:29.019 don't see Conan again. Right, but he didn't just come 287 00:12:29.059 --> 00:12:30.919 to me, he pulled in front of my car. Yeah, 288 00:12:31.250 --> 00:12:34.250 that's how we do it. Yeah, and it was pretty hostile. Yeah, 289 00:12:34.389 --> 00:12:40.649 and it's a blacked out, murdered out Hummer. And it 290 00:12:40.690 --> 00:12:44.169 says Conan's lawyer on the side. But basically, because sometimes 291 00:12:44.220 --> 00:12:46.419 I make friends with comics, but then I want them 292 00:12:46.480 --> 00:12:50.419 to know, and talented people, look, that's it, it's over now. 293 00:12:50.600 --> 00:12:52.899 You're not to make eye contact with him again. And 294 00:12:52.919 --> 00:12:55.559 they're like, what, who, what was that? Yeah, yeah, and 295 00:12:55.580 --> 00:12:58.750 you seemed, you were rattled, but you finally, I. 296 00:12:58.730 --> 00:13:01.990 Was rattled because it was so tinted that the driver, 297 00:13:02.049 --> 00:13:03.490 he couldn't even see out the windshield. He had to 298 00:13:03.529 --> 00:13:05.990 put his head out because it was double tinted. 299 00:13:06.070 --> 00:13:08.230 Yeah, and also it made me realize I don't really 300 00:13:08.250 --> 00:13:09.960 need a lawyer in there. It just needs to be 301 00:13:10.000 --> 00:13:12.659 a Hummer that says Conan's lawyer. And then the guy 302 00:13:12.679 --> 00:13:17.779 can just be intimidating. But no, we got along so well. 303 00:13:17.960 --> 00:13:21.419 And of course you became one of the favorites you were, 304 00:13:22.019 --> 00:13:25.320 On my late night show, a bunch. And then we 305 00:13:25.340 --> 00:13:30.639 were very excited because we said, hey, let's produce a 306 00:13:30.940 --> 00:13:34.720 comedy special with Moses that you wrote and co-directed. I mean, 307 00:13:34.740 --> 00:13:38.159 you did everything. I think you built the cameras for it. Yeah, 308 00:13:38.549 --> 00:13:40.730 and it shows. They are all out of focus. Yeah, 309 00:13:40.809 --> 00:13:45.830 he ground the lenses for it. And your special, and again, 310 00:13:45.850 --> 00:13:49.639 I have to say this as a, I am involved 311 00:13:49.679 --> 00:13:53.080 in this special and my team is involved in this special. 312 00:13:53.120 --> 00:13:56.639 It's called Trash White and it just dropped on HBO Max. 313 00:13:57.419 --> 00:14:00.659 I absolutely love it. I love the special. And so 314 00:14:00.679 --> 00:14:01.960 I was really glad that some of my favorite things 315 00:14:02.019 --> 00:14:03.879 in there. And then there's so much in this special 316 00:14:03.919 --> 00:14:08.850 that I had not heard before. And it's really, really 317 00:14:08.970 --> 00:14:12.590 funny and you perform it brilliantly. But at the same time, 318 00:14:12.649 --> 00:14:14.490 it's also completely 100% true. 319 00:14:14.529 --> 00:14:17.289 It is your- Yeah. 320 00:14:17.309 --> 00:14:21.649 Life story. And it's complicated because I know your life 321 00:14:21.700 --> 00:14:27.200 story and I find myself laughing so hard at the special, 322 00:14:27.539 --> 00:14:30.559 but at the same time, what you're talking about is 323 00:14:30.580 --> 00:14:36.340 a child being raised in abject poverty, dumpster diving for food, 324 00:14:36.840 --> 00:14:42.490 living in a bus, and you talk about it without 325 00:14:42.789 --> 00:14:47.769 any self-pity, but you describe so well what it's like 326 00:14:48.049 --> 00:14:49.940 to grow up in conditions like that. And you get 327 00:14:50.059 --> 00:14:52.000 so many hard laughs, but at the same time, there's 328 00:14:52.019 --> 00:14:54.440 a lot of empathy. There's a lot of pathos. I 329 00:14:54.460 --> 00:14:57.320 don't know. I think it's fantastic. And I think it's 330 00:14:58.179 --> 00:15:00.789 of the moment. Let's get into it. Let's talk about 331 00:15:00.809 --> 00:15:02.809 what it was like for you to tell this story 332 00:15:06.049 --> 00:15:06.830 And kill. 333 00:15:07.690 --> 00:15:08.049 Yeah. 334 00:15:08.190 --> 00:15:11.440 It's really funny. Well, one of them you are responsible for. 335 00:15:11.460 --> 00:15:16.759 I think the video bit from America's Funniest Home Videos 336 00:15:17.000 --> 00:15:18.639 was something I wasn't going to put in or was 337 00:15:18.659 --> 00:15:22.000 going to cut. Or sometimes documentary footage in a stand-up 338 00:15:22.039 --> 00:15:24.350 special feels like you're cheating. 339 00:15:24.669 --> 00:15:24.990 Right. 340 00:15:25.070 --> 00:15:26.110 You're bringing people in. 341 00:15:26.129 --> 00:15:28.860 What you're supposed to do on stage- is build intimacy 342 00:15:28.899 --> 00:15:32.419 just through the spoken word. And if you show doc footage, 343 00:15:32.440 --> 00:15:35.840 you're kind of cheating. Yeah, that was something I debated 344 00:15:35.879 --> 00:15:38.500 putting in because it's also my siblings' faces and it's 345 00:15:38.539 --> 00:15:41.450 my mom's voice. And at the end of the day, 346 00:15:41.460 --> 00:15:45.080 there's something that's painful for me. I've edited

stuff out 347 00:15:45.120 --> 00:15:48.070 of that that I don't think my siblings would want 348 00:15:48.179 --> 00:15:51.070 out there. But I think if you're watching it, you 349 00:15:51.110 --> 00:15:52.610 can tell what those things are. 350 00:15:52.629 --> 00:15:55.909 And let me quickly explain. There's a couple of things 351 00:15:56.029 --> 00:15:58.110 that are powerful about it. First of all, you're talking 352 00:15:58.120 --> 00:16:01.509 about America's Funniest Home Videos, and you taped this special 353 00:16:01.529 --> 00:16:03.889 a couple of months ago, and you referenced Bob Saget, 354 00:16:03.950 --> 00:16:09.429 who just passed away shockingly, but you're not referencing him 355 00:16:09.750 --> 00:16:12.029 in a mean way at all. You're just referencing his show. 356 00:16:12.549 --> 00:16:14.769 But what you're doing, and I just want to explain 357 00:16:14.789 --> 00:16:18.149 to people, is you're basically showing, you're telling the story 358 00:16:18.190 --> 00:16:21.049 of how your mother heard that you could make money 359 00:16:21.929 --> 00:16:26.480 if you submitted, you if you won on America's Funniest 360 00:16:26.500 --> 00:16:29.779 Home Videos. So she tried to manufacture one using you 361 00:16:30.340 --> 00:16:34.600 and your siblings and you see, it must be 80 362 00:16:34.600 --> 00:16:37.419 takes of her trying to get this thing right. And 363 00:16:37.440 --> 00:16:39.679 the thing is, it is one of the funnier things 364 00:16:39.740 --> 00:16:42.100 I've seen and it's in the special and you show 365 00:16:42.120 --> 00:16:45.360 the different takes and you break down how your mom 366 00:16:45.419 --> 00:16:51.200 tried to scam America's Funniest Home Videos. The thing is, yes, 367 00:16:51.600 --> 00:16:54.259 your mom is trying to make money with this scam video. 368 00:16:54.740 --> 00:16:58.490 and she's using her children. It's so double-edged, but at 369 00:16:58.509 --> 00:17:01.970 the same time, it is hilarious how you and your 370 00:17:01.990 --> 00:17:05.250 brothers and sisters are getting it wrong and screwing up 371 00:17:05.289 --> 00:17:09.390 the takes because you don't understand how to flub something 372 00:17:09.470 --> 00:17:13.559 on purpose. And you watch this whole thing unfold and 373 00:17:13.730 --> 00:17:18.269 it's kind of brilliant. It makes me, The first question 374 00:17:18.309 --> 00:17:20.079 I'm sure a lot of people ask you is, how's 375 00:17:20.099 --> 00:17:22.799 your mom feel about this being shown? Is she cool 376 00:17:22.839 --> 00:17:24.420 with it? Yeah. 377 00:17:24.740 --> 00:17:26.779 One, yes. The video was so funny that I knew 378 00:17:26.819 --> 00:17:28.559 it had to be in there. I was nervous about 379 00:17:28.599 --> 00:17:31.230 showing it, but I think talking to you on the tour, 380 00:17:31.289 --> 00:17:32.630 you're like, no, you have to do that. 381 00:17:32.970 --> 00:17:34.910 You have to do that. And Lena's that. 382 00:17:34.930 --> 00:17:38.430 So that's why it's in the special. It takes a 383 00:17:38.470 --> 00:17:39.710 lot of stock in what you say. 384 00:17:39.769 --> 00:17:40.490 So I was like, okay. 385 00:17:40.519 --> 00:17:42.930 Okay. So she aggressively tried to get us on the 386 00:17:42.950 --> 00:17:46.430 show to the point where it was a job. There's 387 00:17:46.450 --> 00:17:50.700 other bits that I have on tape that are maybe 388 00:17:50.720 --> 00:17:53.420 a little more unsafe. One where her skirt is attached 389 00:17:53.539 --> 00:17:57.079 to a truck, and she's holding my younger sister, and 390 00:17:57.099 --> 00:17:58.480 then the skirt gets ripped off. 391 00:17:59.200 --> 00:18:01.769 Where she's faking another one? Yeah, yeah. Trying to get another. 392 00:18:01.789 --> 00:18:03.990 A moving car is caught, and then, yeah, but you're 393 00:18:04.029 --> 00:18:05.509 holding a baby, and it's a truck. 394 00:18:06.089 --> 00:18:07.349 That one seemed a little too heavy. 395 00:18:08.569 --> 00:18:12.039 But yes, that is something I was very worried about 396 00:18:12.210 --> 00:18:15.099 is that it's great for me that I can monetize 397 00:18:15.160 --> 00:18:18.380 my pain and transmute it into something. But what I'm 398 00:18:18.460 --> 00:18:21.140 doing is I'm bringing people in that did not sign 399 00:18:21.240 --> 00:18:24.000 up to be performers. They don't want a public life. 400 00:18:24.339 --> 00:18:26.960 Sometimes my older brother will call me not saying like, 401 00:18:27.599 --> 00:18:30.720 why are you doing this? Why are you sometimes sugarcoating things? 402 00:18:31.019 --> 00:18:34.059 Why are you not saying the harder things? And it's 403 00:18:34.299 --> 00:18:35.900 the end of the day. It's like, I'm not talented 404 00:18:35.960 --> 00:18:38.660 enough yet. as a comedian to pull those things off. 405 00:18:38.880 --> 00:18:40.779 Well, let's talk about, because I want to make sure 406 00:18:40.799 --> 00:18:45.150 we tell this story correctly. Take us back. You're one 407 00:18:45.170 --> 00:18:48.450 of how many? It's a big family. One of five kids. Okay. 408 00:18:49.789 --> 00:18:54.529 Very religious parents. And for most of my life, we 409 00:18:54.710 --> 00:18:56.930 were in a bus. They got a bus because they 410 00:18:56.950 --> 00:18:59.700 were going to be missionaries for a religion that they. 411 00:18:59.579 --> 00:19:00.420 Helped make up. 412 00:19:00.920 --> 00:19:01.109 Yeah. 413 00:19:01.369 --> 00:19:04.109 I'll say cult, but cult has got this new weighted 414 00:19:04.529 --> 00:19:09.190 definition because of Netflix documentaries and podcasts where everyone is 415 00:19:09.250 --> 00:19:13.430 expecting something that has a national trial or is successful. 416 00:19:13.849 --> 00:19:16.930 I don't think we ever had an episode two. Right, right. 417 00:19:16.970 --> 00:19:20.190 Most cult shows, they have that episode. It's like, I 418 00:19:20.210 --> 00:19:23.089 was sleeping better. We were doing

yoga every day. And 419 00:19:23.109 --> 00:19:26.190 then they turn and then the dreadnought plays. We never 420 00:19:26.230 --> 00:19:27.190 even got to that point. 421 00:19:27.230 --> 00:19:28.509 There's no cliffhanger at all. 422 00:19:28.609 --> 00:19:31.799 Every Netflix documentary about a cult- you see at some 423 00:19:31.839 --> 00:19:34.190 point that people are profiting wildly from it. 424 00:19:34.319 --> 00:19:34.539 Yeah. 425 00:19:34.700 --> 00:19:38.180 At some point, suddenly someone has- Wait, that's you, Moses. 426 00:19:38.380 --> 00:19:38.619 Yeah. 427 00:19:38.819 --> 00:19:42.059 A Rolls Royce, eventually. A Rolls, yeah. No, no, but 428 00:19:42.099 --> 00:19:43.769 it's the long- I call myself Bhagwan now, and I 429 00:19:43.809 --> 00:19:46.049 roll up in a Rolls. It's the long con, but 430 00:19:46.069 --> 00:19:50.539 it sounded very much like your parents helped invent a 431 00:19:50.559 --> 00:19:57.359 cult that was completely unprofitable. Yes. And then you described 432 00:19:57.380 --> 00:19:59.670 this a little bit in the special, the bus they're 433 00:19:59.690 --> 00:20:05.000 driving around in, let's be clear, this isn't some cute, fun, oh, 434 00:20:05.039 --> 00:20:09.359 we took a VW bus and we put about $ 50, 000 435 00:20:09.119 --> 00:20:13.380 into it. No, yeah. This is not the bus you're 436 00:20:13.400 --> 00:20:16.339 talking about that has like a cool fold out this 437 00:20:16.759 --> 00:20:18.269 and it's for sale on eBay. 438 00:20:18.460 --> 00:20:20.529 This is not that bus, right? This is not the 439 00:20:20.650 --> 00:20:23.369 Etsy version of a bus. It's not Love and Care. 440 00:20:23.390 --> 00:20:26.250 The first thing they got, so one, this is scary. 441 00:20:26.529 --> 00:20:30.589 The bus was free. They traded a bunch of junk 442 00:20:30.670 --> 00:20:33.269 from the backyard of a house that we were renting, 443 00:20:33.349 --> 00:20:34.380 just a bunch of old stuff. 444 00:20:34.430 --> 00:20:34.640 Right. 445 00:20:34.960 --> 00:20:37.240 And when I pressed my mom about it, I was like, 446 00:20:37.259 --> 00:20:38.920 what do you mean? She goes, oh, it was the 90s, 447 00:20:38.980 --> 00:20:40.099 so everyone was trading. 448 00:20:40.579 --> 00:20:40.839 What? 449 00:20:41.539 --> 00:20:45.049 Like that wasn't an answer. Yeah. Yeah. That's how I 450 00:20:45.069 --> 00:20:48.410 got my first house. You traded. Yeah. I had three 451 00:20:48.430 --> 00:20:51.049 bags of what I said were magic beans. And I 452 00:20:51.069 --> 00:20:51.390 got a house. 453 00:20:51.549 --> 00:20:52.210 Trading. 454 00:20:52.730 --> 00:20:54.900 And traded up. So this guy was trying to get rid. 455 00:20:54.819 --> 00:21:00.200 Of a bus really fast, which is scary. And yeah, 456 00:21:00.220 --> 00:21:01.450 so he was just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, take it, 457 00:21:01.460 --> 00:21:03.000 take it. So I was like, what did he do? 458 00:21:03.079 --> 00:21:04.380 And why is the bumper dented? 459 00:21:06.950 --> 00:21:09.210 And then they- Like this, they're a sneaker and blood 460 00:21:09.269 --> 00:21:13.490 in the grill. Is there a little girl's bike in 461 00:21:13.509 --> 00:21:19.430 the wheel well? Police tape. Don't worry about that. Just 462 00:21:19.490 --> 00:21:19.829 tarp it. 463 00:21:19.890 --> 00:21:23.349 Every time you park it, just tarp the bus. They 464 00:21:23.369 --> 00:21:26.150 didn't insulate it, and we were living in Findlay, Ohio 465 00:21:26.170 --> 00:21:28.990 at the time. So my parents took the summer to 466 00:21:29.049 --> 00:21:31.529 convert the bus. They just parked it in our driveway, 467 00:21:31.869 --> 00:21:33.750 and we were about to be evicted because we couldn't 468 00:21:33.829 --> 00:21:34.710 pay rent in the house. 469 00:21:35.269 --> 00:21:36.069 So then there's. 470 00:21:35.950 --> 00:21:39.309 No tutorial videos, nothing you can really look up. So 471 00:21:39.970 --> 00:21:41.519 my dad would just like go up to people at 472 00:21:41.819 --> 00:21:46.099 a construction site and just like chat them up for tips. 473 00:21:46.559 --> 00:21:50.740 And it shows it's exactly the kind of thing you 474 00:21:50.779 --> 00:21:52.849 could build if you just chat it up somewhere. 475 00:21:52.980 --> 00:21:55.559 It's like not a very good MacGyver thing. But he 476 00:21:55.579 --> 00:21:56.940 has decent people skills. 477 00:21:57.279 --> 00:21:57.400 Yeah. 478 00:21:57.420 --> 00:22:00.440 And he's just chatting with people randomly. And so with 479 00:22:00.529 --> 00:22:04.849 duct tape and tons of bullshit, gets this bus moving. 480 00:22:04.990 --> 00:22:05.670 Gets this bus. 481 00:22:05.690 --> 00:22:08.910 I don't think we ever had fully working plumbing. The 482 00:22:08.930 --> 00:22:11.710 closest we got is we had a toilet that was 483 00:22:11.769 --> 00:22:16.529 on a platform with no door. So if you were 484 00:22:16.549 --> 00:22:18.009 to do a number two, you had to be on 485 00:22:18.029 --> 00:22:19.450 like a little stage almost. 486 00:22:19.529 --> 00:22:21.809 Oh, my God. Which is, by the way, the only 487 00:22:21.869 --> 00:22:24.920 way I can go. We found that out from the tour. Yeah, 488 00:22:25.180 --> 00:22:29.769 I need to gather... People around me. Yeah. I need applause. 489 00:22:29.789 --> 00:22:32.089 Look at me. I need applause at the finish. 490 00:22:32.109 --> 00:22:34.589 That's when I got brought into the inner circle as 491 00:22:34.650 --> 00:22:36.930 I had to look at you on a little platform. 492 00:22:37.089 --> 00:22:38.650 Look me in the eye, Moses. 493 00:22:40.170 --> 00:22:42.009 And then normally, so you have something that's called a 494 00:22:42.329 --> 00:22:45.759 black tank that all the excrement goes into and then 495 00:22:45.799 --> 00:22:47.650 you dump it at campgrounds. 496 00:22:48.480 --> 00:22:49.380 We didn't have that. 497 00:22:49.440 --> 00:22:51.720 It was essentially just a bin, just like if you 498

00:22:51.740 --> 00:22:53.720 went to Target and you just put a bin under there. 499 00:22:54.059 --> 00:22:54.700 Yeah, criminal. 500 00:22:55.019 --> 00:22:57.900 Yeah, it's a crime. So mostly we would just use 501 00:22:57.940 --> 00:23:02.779 campground bathrooms. But if you had to go, which one 502 00:23:02.819 --> 00:23:05.640 night I did, you had to go in essentially a 503 00:23:05.799 --> 00:23:09.700 bin that was on a platform with the illusion of 504 00:23:09.740 --> 00:23:10.579 a toilet over it. 505 00:23:11.460 --> 00:23:15.109 With TUI, there's more choice than you think. Beach days 506 00:23:15.269 --> 00:23:17.349 or a city break. Weekend in Rome? 507 00:23:17.569 --> 00:23:17.910 Booked. 508 00:23:18.349 --> 00:23:19.730 Fly from your local airport? 509 00:23:20.009 --> 00:23:20.569 Of course. 510 00:23:21.029 --> 00:23:22.950 Just a hotel? Got them too. 511 00:23:23.410 --> 00:23:24.130 Number of nights? 512 00:23:24.509 --> 00:23:32.930 Take your pick. What's the best way to pay you back? ZipPay. 513 00:23:33.150 --> 00:23:33.730 ZipPay? 514 00:23:33.880 --> 00:23:34.799 Yeah, in your banking app. 515 00:23:34.960 --> 00:23:35.859 We're not with the same bank. 516 00:23:36.019 --> 00:23:39.099 Doesn't matter whether you're with AIB, Bank of Ireland or PTSB, 517 00:23:39.339 --> 00:23:41.619 ZipPay makes sending money as easy as texting a mate. 518 00:23:41.940 --> 00:23:42.660 It's that simple. 519 00:23:42.940 --> 00:23:45.420 Eligible personal customers only. Minimum age limits apply. Terms and 520 00:23:45.440 --> 00:23:47.779 conditions apply. Allied Irish Banks PLC, Bank of Ireland and 521 00:23:47.799 --> 00:23:50.359 Permanent ESB PLC, Trading as PTSB are regulated by the 522 00:23:50.400 --> 00:23:51.039 Central Bank of Ireland. 523 00:23:51.319 --> 00:23:54.329 A new baby brings joy, but it can be distressing 524 00:23:54.369 --> 00:23:57.049 if your baby suffers from colic. Did you know up 525 00:23:57.089 --> 00:24:00.170 to one in five babies experience colic symptoms, and in 526 00:24:00.230 --> 00:24:04.089 about 40% of cases it's caused by temporary lactose intolerance? 527 00:24:04.529 --> 00:24:07.920 Award-winning Colif Infant Drops help break down lactose in milk 528 00:24:07.980 --> 00:24:11.740 before feeding, reducing colic discomfort for your little one, and 529 00:24:11.839 --> 00:24:22.559 bringing peace of mind for you. Colif Infant Drops. My oldest. 530 00:24:29.470 --> 00:24:32.690 Brother, you know, some people would think that's not true. 531 00:24:32.730 --> 00:24:36.390 You can't get a vehicle for free. My brother Neil 532 00:24:37.210 --> 00:24:40.369 proved to me many times he would go out and 533 00:24:40.490 --> 00:24:44.329 then come home with a car that he got for free. 534 00:24:44.880 --> 00:24:47.519 because people want to get rid of their cars and 535 00:24:47.559 --> 00:24:50.440 he would go there and the car wouldn't really work, 536 00:24:50.500 --> 00:24:52.720 but he knew it just needed a spark plug and 537 00:24:52.769 --> 00:24:54.490 he'd get it running and then they would say, just 538 00:24:54.529 --> 00:24:57.130 get it out of here. And one of his ploys 539 00:24:57.170 --> 00:25:00.190 was the car would be selling for $ 50. Yeah. Literally 540 00:25:00.190 --> 00:25:01.670 $ 50 to just get this out of my yard. And 541 00:25:01.690 --> 00:25:05.009 he would show up, they would say, all right, just 542 00:25:05.049 --> 00:25:06.869 please get it out of here. Where's your 50? And 543 00:25:07.490 --> 00:25:09.170 my brother Neil would reach in his pockets and go, 544 00:25:09.210 --> 00:25:11.690 oh my God, I didn't bring, I forgot. I forgot 545 00:25:11.710 --> 00:25:13.789 to bring the money. And then they'd say, just get 546 00:25:13.829 --> 00:25:15.829 the fuck out of here. I don't care. And my 547 00:25:15.869 --> 00:25:19.970 brother Neil would drive this thing home and then do 548 00:25:20.049 --> 00:25:22.690 very little to fix it up, practically nothing, and just 549 00:25:22.750 --> 00:25:23.809 tool around Boston in it. 550 00:25:23.809 --> 00:25:27.329 I can't believe that worked. It's just like, I don't 551 00:25:27.369 --> 00:25:29.130 have the money on me. It's like, go get it. 552 00:25:29.170 --> 00:25:31.660 Well, because they wanted it gone. And I remember going 553 00:25:31.720 --> 00:25:33.420 with him once and I didn't know that this was 554 00:25:33.460 --> 00:25:39.500 his thing. And the person said, all right, just please 555 00:25:39.539 --> 00:25:42.240 just get this piece of shit out of here. where's 556 00:25:42.279 --> 00:25:44.900 my $ 40? And Neil said, I don't have it. And 557 00:25:45.049 --> 00:25:46.390 I was with my brother Neil and I said, well, 558 00:25:46.410 --> 00:25:51.549 I've got $ 40. And my brother Neil gave me this 559 00:25:51.650 --> 00:25:55.569 look like, I'll take care of you later. So I 560 00:25:55.690 --> 00:25:57.750 handed the people the $ 40 and I said, you can 561 00:25:57.789 --> 00:25:59.109 pay me back when we get home. We got in 562 00:25:59.130 --> 00:26:00.829 the car and he's like, I am not paying you back. Oh, 563 00:26:01.029 --> 00:26:01.430 fuck that. 564 00:26:01.490 --> 00:26:04.190 Yeah, I'm on his side, you blew the grip. I 565 00:26:04.210 --> 00:26:06.990 was such an idiot, I'm like, $ 40, well I've got that. 566 00:26:07.289 --> 00:26:11.710 And in fact, you have $ 200 in the glove compartment. 567 00:26:11.859 --> 00:26:13.039 I have much more. 568 00:26:13.130 --> 00:26:15.700 Yeah, why this car looks like it's worth a lot 569 00:26:15.819 --> 00:26:18.980 more than that. Wait a minute, that's an old Bugatti. 570 00:26:19.680 --> 00:26:23.299 According to my Kelly Blue book. You could get so 571 00:26:23.359 --> 00:26:28.319 much more for this. So, but I never saw the photo, 572 00:26:28.359 --> 00:26:32.799 but you did talk on tour about how when you 573 00:26:33.160 --> 00:26:37.329 were a child, you looked, or young teenager, you

looked 574 00:26:37.470 --> 00:26:40.269 very much like a really cute girl. 575 00:26:40.670 --> 00:26:41.009 Yeah. 576 00:26:41.390 --> 00:26:46.990 And I kind of thought, well, most comics exaggerate. You 577 00:26:47.009 --> 00:26:51.750 put this picture up in the special, and I swear 578 00:26:52.509 --> 00:26:57.759 that is a... very kind and nice and good-looking 12-year-old girl. 579 00:26:58.240 --> 00:27:02.319 And we've all been self-deprecating. No girl looks more like 580 00:27:02.359 --> 00:27:05.250 a girl than the photo you put up. Yes, that 581 00:27:05.289 --> 00:27:07.130 is so fair. It's insane, it is insane. 582 00:27:07.210 --> 00:27:09.569 So here's what I couldn't legally say on the special. 583 00:27:09.730 --> 00:27:13.549 That photo shoot was free because at the end of 584 00:27:13.589 --> 00:27:17.079 the shoot, the woman that took those photos said, oh 585 00:27:17.119 --> 00:27:19.579 my God, the boys are gonna go crazy for you. 586 00:27:19.599 --> 00:27:24.490 And I was like... What? And my mom got furious. Like, 587 00:27:24.509 --> 00:27:24.950 he's a boy. 588 00:27:24.970 --> 00:27:27.130 He's obviously a boy. You make him do all those 589 00:27:27.190 --> 00:27:29.309 poses because there's poses where I'm like, I got your 590 00:27:29.349 --> 00:27:30.269 hand on your hip. 591 00:27:30.329 --> 00:27:33.710 Yeah, exactly. So she felt so bad. 592 00:27:33.730 --> 00:27:37.500 She was immediately flush red that that photo shoot. She's like, 593 00:27:37.539 --> 00:27:39.680 I'm so sorry about that. You know, let's just take 594 00:27:39.720 --> 00:27:42.680 these photos. Just my gift to you. I'm so sorry 595 00:27:42.720 --> 00:27:43.059 about that. 596 00:27:43.079 --> 00:27:44.000 And you are a boy. 597 00:27:44.039 --> 00:27:46.339 Not even worse. It's like how much she had to 598 00:27:46.380 --> 00:27:47.819 stop down to take care of me. 599 00:27:48.640 --> 00:27:50.519 There's nothing worse than someone going, and by the way, 600 00:27:50.799 --> 00:27:55.440 you are a boy. Yeah. I do believe you now. 601 00:27:55.660 --> 00:27:59.799 Because I was a beautiful girl. If I could be. 602 00:28:00.240 --> 00:28:02.890 You are. That's the problem. First of all, you're a 603 00:28:02.900 --> 00:28:05.690 very attractive fellow, and I've told you that many times. 604 00:28:05.930 --> 00:28:07.309 You're one of the few men I've met who was 605 00:28:07.369 --> 00:28:18.369 born wearing eyeliner. Yeah. But as a girl, you are stunning. Yeah. 606 00:28:18.430 --> 00:28:20.069 Really stunning. A little heartbreak. 607 00:28:20.109 --> 00:28:22.269 Every time I get nervous, I would lick my lips too, 608 00:28:22.309 --> 00:28:23.549 so my lips were always shiny. 609 00:28:24.539 --> 00:28:27.200 And I'd be at the skate park with my brothers. Also, 610 00:28:27.220 --> 00:28:29.799 whenever you got nervous, you'd put on a plaid skirt. 611 00:28:31.880 --> 00:28:35.200 It's a thing I do when I get nervous. Glitter 612 00:28:35.240 --> 00:28:38.880 under the eyes. I'm sorry. The nerves. It curbs the nerves. 613 00:28:39.180 --> 00:28:39.700 Yeah. 614 00:28:39.720 --> 00:28:41.069 So I'd be at the skate park and I would 615 00:28:41.089 --> 00:28:43.990 do a trick and people are like, yeah, girl skater. 616 00:28:44.029 --> 00:28:47.650 Let's go. Oh, man. Which hurts because it's a compliment. 617 00:28:47.950 --> 00:28:48.950 But it's like, but no. 618 00:28:49.809 --> 00:28:52.410 I got asked out one because I guess Moses Storm 619 00:28:52.430 --> 00:28:55.640 is an insane enough name where it's not like I'm Brad. 620 00:28:57.519 --> 00:28:59.319 Where someone, I guess, could. 621 00:29:00.450 --> 00:29:02.569 If you look like that and your name's a little unusual, 622 00:29:02.589 --> 00:29:04.150 then it's possible you're a girl. 623 00:29:04.170 --> 00:29:05.940 Moses is the ultimate father. 624 00:29:06.119 --> 00:29:07.059 I guess. 625 00:29:07.119 --> 00:29:10.259 It doesn't scream masculinity to me. Yeah, and Matt, there's 626 00:29:10.299 --> 00:29:12.380 a lot of people out there who don't read the 627 00:29:12.420 --> 00:29:15.259 Old Testament and don't watch the Ten Commandments. 628 00:29:15.339 --> 00:29:15.579 Okay. 629 00:29:15.680 --> 00:29:17.589 Well, I'm reading it now. Sorry, go on. 630 00:29:17.609 --> 00:29:18.410 Yeah, I know. I know. 631 00:29:18.430 --> 00:29:20.589 I could see you. We're on Zoom. But yeah, I 632 00:29:20.609 --> 00:29:24.690 could see people thinking, oh, that's some cool name. I also, 633 00:29:24.910 --> 00:29:28.710 someone who was given a strange name, And I feel, 634 00:29:28.890 --> 00:29:31.319 or an unusual name, a name you didn't hear, Moses 635 00:29:31.359 --> 00:29:35.869 Storm does sound made up. Yeah, it's too many unusuals. 636 00:29:35.920 --> 00:29:39.490 I think a good name is Conan O'Brien because the 637 00:29:39.529 --> 00:29:40.920 last name is very common. 638 00:29:41.099 --> 00:29:41.319 Right. 639 00:29:41.619 --> 00:29:45.009 So I think two unusual names together, it's a double 640 00:29:45.069 --> 00:29:47.069 negative where it's just like, oh, this is bullshit. This 641 00:29:47.349 --> 00:29:48.970 is a guy who's about to do, I was in 642 00:29:48.990 --> 00:29:52.309 San Francisco. And when you're not famous, they put your 643 00:29:52.549 --> 00:29:55.849 photo outside the marquee and your name. And I was 644 00:29:55.890 --> 00:29:58.369 just walking in for the night and I overheard this 645 00:29:58.569 --> 00:30:00.480 couple that was just like looking for something to do. 646 00:30:00.500 --> 00:30:02.940 Let's see what's happening at the comedy club. And the 647 00:30:02.980 --> 00:30:05.180 girl is a little drunk. She's like, what is a 648 00:30:05.519 --> 00:30:06.420 Moses storm? 649 00:30:07.640 --> 00:30:08.880 And then her. 650 00:30:08.720 --> 00:30:13.349 Boyfriend, you know, at 100 percent confidence, he goes, oh, yeah, 651 00:30:13.369 --> 00:30:14.910 I know him. I

don't think I'm in the mood 652 00:30:14.930 --> 00:30:15.990 to see magic tonight. 653 00:30:16.289 --> 00:30:16.690 Oh, yeah. 654 00:30:18.789 --> 00:30:21.710 The perfect delivery of just honest drunk people. 655 00:30:21.789 --> 00:30:22.049 Yeah. 656 00:30:22.569 --> 00:30:24.230 And I don't think they put two and two together, 657 00:30:24.269 --> 00:30:26.170 but they did turn around and I was just right there. 658 00:30:26.309 --> 00:30:26.549 Right. 659 00:30:26.849 --> 00:30:28.569 Wearing the same shirt from the photo. 660 00:30:29.230 --> 00:30:32.019 And a magician's hat. And a magician's hat. That's on me. 661 00:30:32.079 --> 00:30:33.400 That doesn't help my case. I was like, I don't 662 00:30:33.420 --> 00:30:34.559 want to see him. And you turn around and now 663 00:30:34.579 --> 00:30:35.059 you see me. 664 00:30:35.140 --> 00:30:36.640 It does sound like a drink too. 665 00:30:36.700 --> 00:30:36.819 Yeah. 666 00:30:36.839 --> 00:30:39.619 It does sound like a very, I'll have a Moses storm, 667 00:30:39.680 --> 00:30:43.180 you know? Right. Dana Carvey does a bit where he's 668 00:30:43.259 --> 00:30:48.130 Johnny Carson, who's been pulled over for- Slippery nipples. Yeah, exactly. 669 00:30:48.150 --> 00:30:50.890 And it's like, sure, I was at the Rusty Skipper 670 00:30:50.930 --> 00:30:54.549 having a slippery monkey, you know, and it's so, but 671 00:30:54.690 --> 00:30:55.710 a Moses storm. 672 00:30:55.789 --> 00:30:56.049 Yeah. 673 00:30:56.250 --> 00:30:58.549 Sounds like something like, I'll have a gin and tonic 674 00:30:58.609 --> 00:31:01.769 and for the lady, Okay, she'll have the Moses storm. 675 00:31:01.829 --> 00:31:04.170 It does sound like a dream. Yeah, it's like Hennessy 676 00:31:04.190 --> 00:31:09.130 with a splash of milk for the storm. Yeah, yeah. 677 00:31:09.150 --> 00:31:13.519 The stomach turner. Yeah, you immediately have to lay down. 678 00:31:13.759 --> 00:31:16.400 Just the top of a pineapple, not even the edible part. 679 00:31:17.319 --> 00:31:18.920 The part that hurts and you have to swallow it 680 00:31:18.940 --> 00:31:24.789 the wrong way. Spikes out. You know, it's funny, because 681 00:31:24.809 --> 00:31:28.230 you talk too in the special, which is something I didn't, 682 00:31:28.819 --> 00:31:33.599 realize is, uh, you talk about dyslexia, how you grew 683 00:31:33.680 --> 00:31:41.309 up in this incredibly impoverished situation where you're telling, where 684 00:31:41.329 --> 00:31:44.130 you're the lookout while your family dumpster dives for food. 685 00:31:44.710 --> 00:31:47.750 And you tell this hilarious swimming pool story. I mean, 686 00:31:48.369 --> 00:31:51.369 so many of these stories are, you'd think they're, this 687 00:31:51.410 --> 00:31:53.630 can't be true, but they are all completely true. Um, 688 00:31:54.509 --> 00:32:00.759 you also talk about, um, dyslexia. And I had this realization, 689 00:32:00.799 --> 00:32:02.039 which is at the end of the tour, I had

690 00:32:02.059 --> 00:32:05.829 this guitar that I just futzed around with backstage and 691 00:32:05.869 --> 00:32:07.349 didn't really use it on stage at all. It was 692 00:32:07.369 --> 00:32:13.390 just for backstage to keep my fingers busy. And at 693 00:32:13.430 --> 00:32:14.730 the end of the tour, I asked all of you 694 00:32:14.769 --> 00:32:18.369 guys to- Oh, no. No, it's really interesting. I asked 695 00:32:18.630 --> 00:32:22.480 all the comics to sign it, all the men and 696 00:32:22.519 --> 00:32:23.890 women who had been on the tour to sign it. 697 00:32:23.940 --> 00:32:26.079 And so and I think you were one of the 698 00:32:26.119 --> 00:32:27.980 last people and I handed it to you and everyone 699 00:32:28.019 --> 00:32:29.460 else just sort of signed it in front of me. 700 00:32:30.109 --> 00:32:33.960 And you spent a long time sort of thinking about it. And, 701 00:32:34.319 --> 00:32:36.039 you know, I knew you would talk to me about 702 00:32:36.079 --> 00:32:39.180 how you struggled with dyslexia and I don't know. 703 00:32:39.220 --> 00:32:40.750 Yeah, I was just, I honestly had a pit in 704 00:32:40.769 --> 00:32:42.990 my stomach. I thought I had misspelled something on your, 705 00:32:43.130 --> 00:32:44.920 that was my first thought when you brought that up. 706 00:32:45.009 --> 00:32:45.630 Only Conan. 707 00:32:46.029 --> 00:32:48.730 Yeah, you know, I didn't know there was a K. 708 00:32:48.869 --> 00:32:51.470 Everything else was like this perfect, I can't thank you 709 00:32:51.539 --> 00:32:55.559 enough for this wonderful opportunity. Everything is, and you're like, Beautiful, 710 00:32:55.700 --> 00:33:00.339 and the handwriting is beautiful, but yeah, K-U-N. 711 00:33:00.420 --> 00:33:00.839 K-U-N. 712 00:33:01.119 --> 00:33:08.450 How many ampersands are in your name? And then there's no.... 713 00:33:06.019 --> 00:33:09.200 But I remember when MySpace first came out or Facebook 714 00:33:09.240 --> 00:33:13.400 came out, I would be messaging girls and then reading 715 00:33:13.440 --> 00:33:15.740 it back, and it's just all... If you get an 716 00:33:15.759 --> 00:33:18.859 email from me, now it's gotten better with software, but 717 00:33:19.019 --> 00:33:22.640 it's like English is probably my third or fourth language. 718 00:33:22.880 --> 00:33:23.069 Right. 719 00:33:23.410 --> 00:33:25.730 It is how are you and of doing of good. 720 00:33:27.710 --> 00:33:30.809 You just can't see it because I'm dyslexic and dysgraphic. 721 00:33:30.950 --> 00:33:32.759 And there's a lot of programs that help people out. 722 00:33:32.930 --> 00:33:36.019 What is dysgraphic? Dysgraphic is the order of things. So 723 00:33:36.220 --> 00:33:38.039 even if you were to write down a math problem, 724 00:33:38.059 --> 00:33:41.279 you could get that wrong. Because it's the way that 725 00:33:41.299 --> 00:33:43.359 if you told me numbers right now and I went 726 00:33:43.400 --> 00:33:46.680 to write it down, it's the disconnect between my brain 727 00:33:46.819 --> 00:33:48.940 and the physical part of writing it down. 728 00:33:49.539 --> 00:33:51.079 That could be corrected in school. 729 00:33:51.630 --> 00:33:55.269 But when I say I was homeschooled, that's generous. We 730 00:33:55.309 --> 00:33:58.579 weren't even schooled. There was no school. There was no 731 00:33:58.930 --> 00:34:02.259 real curriculum. Even when I got those homeschool tapes, it 732 00:34:02.299 --> 00:34:05.700 was just an excuse to record your show, which also 733 00:34:05.720 --> 00:34:06.559 sounds like a lie. 734 00:34:07.160 --> 00:34:09.940 But that's what that was. You actually proved that. You 735 00:34:09.980 --> 00:34:13.679 showed that to me, which is– you had homeschool tapes 736 00:34:14.099 --> 00:34:15.820 that were supposed to be- There's a. 737 00:34:15.840 --> 00:34:18.789 Heavy Christian slant. They do science with a real wink 738 00:34:18.849 --> 00:34:21.550 and like, oh, we got it. It's such the most 739 00:34:21.630 --> 00:34:24.050 begrudging science you've ever heard in your life. 740 00:34:24.429 --> 00:34:26.949 Photosynthesis is like, yes, this is a theory. 741 00:34:26.969 --> 00:34:31.019 It's taught like how they talk about QAnon and CNN. Yeah, yeah. 742 00:34:31.760 --> 00:34:34.239 So this is what they believe. So they believe the 743 00:34:34.500 --> 00:34:41.630 earth revolves around the sun. Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo. So no school. 744 00:34:41.710 --> 00:34:43.949 I think my two older siblings, there was maybe a 745 00:34:43.969 --> 00:34:46.510 little effort that went into it. My mom would put 746 00:34:46.530 --> 00:34:49.590 down a textbook and say, hey, do that. But by 747 00:34:49.630 --> 00:34:52.260 the time you get five kids in, No, there was 748 00:34:52.300 --> 00:34:54.840 no incentive. And the whole purpose of the religion is 749 00:34:54.880 --> 00:34:56.920 that God's going to end the world in 46 minutes. 750 00:34:57.300 --> 00:34:59.860 So why would you learn what a gerund phrase is? 751 00:35:00.139 --> 00:35:00.820 What's the point? 752 00:35:01.039 --> 00:35:01.820 It's all over. 753 00:35:02.139 --> 00:35:05.199 So yes, eventually I was able to convince my mom 754 00:35:05.239 --> 00:35:08.650 to get us tapes, which is a homeschool program that's 755 00:35:08.690 --> 00:35:14.570 run out of Pensacola, Florida that's Christian. And I did 756 00:35:14.650 --> 00:35:17.630 that so I could get a TV and VCR in 757 00:35:17.690 --> 00:35:19.329 my room and record your show. 758 00:35:19.550 --> 00:35:23.519 Yeah, and you actually showed me I guess they busted you, right? 759 00:35:23.780 --> 00:35:24.199 Oh, yeah. 760 00:35:24.760 --> 00:35:26.420 Oh, yeah. Because I'm a child, so I don't think 761 00:35:26.519 --> 00:35:31.920 about the whole repercussions of recording over the tapes. In 762 00:35:31.960 --> 00:35:35.599 my head, it's just like this giant company. So what 763 00:35:35.619 --> 00:35:37.639 I would do is when your show

would come on, 764 00:35:38.760 --> 00:35:41.139 because we had a signal, no cable, put a tape in. 765 00:35:41.969 --> 00:35:44.349 and press record and turn the TV off and just 766 00:35:44.469 --> 00:35:46.909 hope that I didn't mess it up. And sometimes I did. 767 00:35:46.929 --> 00:35:49.630 And it would just be like Jay Leno would be like, 768 00:35:49.789 --> 00:35:50.769 all right, that's Bush. 769 00:35:51.230 --> 00:35:55.360 And then it would cut out. And I would just, oh. 770 00:35:55.400 --> 00:35:57.980 He actually was doing that for the Pensacola homeschooling. Yeah. 771 00:35:58.119 --> 00:35:58.519 It's $ 30. 772 00:35:58.360 --> 00:35:59.059 It's $ 30 in it. 773 00:35:59.079 --> 00:36:07.260 So I'm like, hey, hello there. I'm like, yeah. So anyway, 774 00:36:07.320 --> 00:36:09.980 they say the earth revolves around the sun. We all 775 00:36:10.000 --> 00:36:10.300 know that. 776 00:36:10.340 --> 00:36:13.440 Wait, that's my new favorite character is QAnon Jay Leno. 777 00:36:13.940 --> 00:36:19.929 Yeah. Hey, I made a book, you know. Celebrity Feet 778 00:36:19.969 --> 00:36:20.489 and Babies. 779 00:36:22.829 --> 00:36:25.090 Uh, so, so then when it was a very hostile 780 00:36:25.159 --> 00:36:28.840 experience watching your show, because when I would watch it back, 781 00:36:29.099 --> 00:36:31.880 I would, uh, I would be hovering over the TV, 782 00:36:32.079 --> 00:36:35.400 never laying down and watching it at a moment's notice. 783 00:36:35.440 --> 00:36:37.699 Cause I shared a room with my, my two brothers 784 00:36:37.820 --> 00:36:41.199 or hole and bus. And, uh, so anytime they came in, 785 00:36:41.219 --> 00:36:43.400 I would have to change it really fast and turn 786 00:36:43.420 --> 00:36:46.489 it off. Like, oh, that tape just ended. So anytime 787 00:36:46.530 --> 00:36:48.429 I'd watch your show, I'd be in a full crouch. 788 00:36:49.880 --> 00:36:52.340 over just hovering at a moment's notice, ready to turn 789 00:36:52.380 --> 00:36:52.739 it off. 790 00:36:52.780 --> 00:36:57.139 So every second meant so much. But you showed me one, 791 00:36:57.219 --> 00:36:59.679 it was really funny because it's this woman and she's 792 00:36:59.739 --> 00:37:02.139 teaching a class, you know, and all of a sudden 793 00:37:02.159 --> 00:37:04.179 you see, and then it's me and I think, I 794 00:37:04.179 --> 00:37:06.300 don't know, 1997. Yeah. Yeah, I think the bit was, 795 00:37:06.320 --> 00:37:07.219 that it cut out was Lincoln. Mm-hmm. 796 00:37:17.130 --> 00:37:19.579 It was like, yeah, dominatrix Lincoln. 797 00:37:19.619 --> 00:37:19.980 But, yeah. 798 00:37:20.440 --> 00:37:24.940 So, yeah, the woman's teaching her begrudging science class. And 799 00:37:24.960 --> 00:37:27.070 she was very impressed by herself. That's another funny thing 800 00:37:27.090 --> 00:37:29.469 that was on the tape is that any time she 801 00:37:29.510 --> 00:37:32.289 would do a very gentle science experiment of, like, just 802 00:37:32.369 --> 00:37:33.349 make vapor in. 803 00:37:33.260 --> 00:37:37.239 Her room, she would always give a face like, Nailed it. 804 00:37:37.420 --> 00:37:40.789 Nailed it. And then- I just dropped Alka-Seltzer into water, 805 00:37:40.809 --> 00:37:43.269 into water, and look what I did. 806 00:37:43.789 --> 00:37:46.449 Yeah, like it was witchcraft. Those tapes were cut out. 807 00:37:46.550 --> 00:37:49.760 And so I sent the tapes back. It's a subscription model. 808 00:37:49.800 --> 00:37:53.619 They sent you tapes, and it was just your show. 809 00:37:53.739 --> 00:37:56.260 And you've got me doing Dominatrix Lincoln. 810 00:37:56.360 --> 00:37:56.860 Yeah. 811 00:37:56.880 --> 00:37:58.239 Cut into this tape. 812 00:37:58.260 --> 00:38:00.460 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. 813 00:38:00.780 --> 00:38:02.929 So there's people that say, your show meant a lot 814 00:38:02.969 --> 00:38:05.929 to me. You are, in my head, all of TV. 815 00:38:07.829 --> 00:38:10.210 Bob Saget was the richest person in the world, in 816 00:38:10.250 --> 00:38:12.349 my head, as a kid. He was just passing out 817 00:38:12.349 --> 00:38:15.099 10 grand. That was our ticket out. And then you 818 00:38:15.159 --> 00:38:18.539 were show business. Everything I found out about movies, references 819 00:38:18.579 --> 00:38:21.159 I know today, was through your lens. 820 00:38:21.360 --> 00:38:21.760 Oh, wow. 821 00:38:22.000 --> 00:38:27.110 This really is an impoverished childhood. Who knows the true 822 00:38:27.150 --> 00:38:31.670 meaning of poverty? Poverty means you learn everything from Conan's show. 823 00:38:32.869 --> 00:38:38.269 You know, it's funny because you have one of the 824 00:38:38.309 --> 00:38:42.610 slogans that you bring up. And again, the special explains 825 00:38:42.650 --> 00:38:45.349 it all really well. But you talk in your special 826 00:38:45.389 --> 00:38:49.289 about how crazy beats scary. I'm sort of paraphrasing it 827 00:38:49.369 --> 00:38:51.750 a little bit. No, but that's fair. 828 00:38:52.050 --> 00:38:54.590 And in a real way did come around to forgiveness 829 00:38:54.710 --> 00:38:58.360 just in setting up the show. I think, one, I 830 00:38:58.389 --> 00:39:01.719 can't watch the special. I can't watch any early stuff 831 00:39:01.760 --> 00:39:04.039 because it just seems like someone that's very angry still 832 00:39:05.000 --> 00:39:08.059 lashing out. But in setting up a full one-hour show, 833 00:39:08.099 --> 00:39:11.840 when you gave me that opportunity, I think it was 2019. 834 00:39:11.840 --> 00:39:15.000 From there, just having to write full characters where it's 835 00:39:15.059 --> 00:39:17.519 not just a villain that's being a dick in a 836 00:39:17.579 --> 00:39:18.920 vacuum for no reason. 837 00:39:19.380 --> 00:39:20.380 And you start to write. 838 00:39:20.519 --> 00:39:22.400 And so I started right towards my mom trying to 839 00:39:22.539 --> 00:39:26.250 dig of why these things happened. And then

inadvertently came 840 00:39:26.309 --> 00:39:29.110 around to absolute forgiveness. Where I was like, oh yeah, okay, 841 00:39:29.150 --> 00:39:31.519 I get it. she was going through as I make 842 00:39:31.559 --> 00:39:34.139 my own mistakes as an adult. That's not saying that 843 00:39:34.179 --> 00:39:36.440 what she did was right or anyone should do that 844 00:39:36.519 --> 00:39:41.300 or that was okay. But it is genuine forgiveness came 845 00:39:41.420 --> 00:39:44.449 from selfishly just trying to make a full show. 846 00:39:44.820 --> 00:39:47.809 Yeah. So that was huge. 847 00:39:48.190 --> 00:39:50.260 To answer your first question about how she felt about it, 848 00:39:50.269 --> 00:39:53.510 I was worried about that. So what I did, because 849 00:39:53.630 --> 00:39:56.480 I edited the special, I had control of the footage, is. 850 00:39:57.239 --> 00:39:59.440 I did a personal screening for her. 851 00:39:59.460 --> 00:40:04.389 Because I don't want you to be embarrassed ever. And you, 852 00:40:04.630 --> 00:40:06.309 cause you feel like the whole world's seeing it and 853 00:40:06.349 --> 00:40:10.539 you have no control. So before it ever aired, uh, 854 00:40:10.659 --> 00:40:12.639 I was very busy, but took a day out to 855 00:40:12.679 --> 00:40:15.659 just go see her and explain what this meant to me, 856 00:40:15.719 --> 00:40:18.800 what this story is about. And, uh, and then screened 857 00:40:18.820 --> 00:40:21.940 it for just her and, and she loved it. She 858 00:40:21.980 --> 00:40:22.349 loved it. 859 00:40:22.400 --> 00:40:22.539 Yeah. 860 00:40:22.559 --> 00:40:25.539 It was, it was vindication for her because it's not 861 00:40:25.599 --> 00:40:28.440 someone that's angry and that took just age that took 862 00:40:28.460 --> 00:40:31.340 talking to you. In Denver, I don't know if you remember, 863 00:40:31.380 --> 00:40:35.179 we had a very important conversation that changed a good 864 00:40:35.219 --> 00:40:39.079 portion of my life about just self-worth and selling myself 865 00:40:39.159 --> 00:40:43.869 short on stage as a defense mechanism to be like, 866 00:40:43.929 --> 00:40:45.949 I'll make fun of me before you could ever make 867 00:40:46.010 --> 00:40:47.469 fun of me that way. If you don't like me, 868 00:40:47.650 --> 00:40:49.550 I'm smarter than you because I already said that I'm 869 00:40:49.590 --> 00:40:50.170 a piece of shit. 870 00:40:50.489 --> 00:40:53.010 That was my defense mechanism for a long time, which 871 00:40:53.130 --> 00:40:56.869 is I'll get out in front of everybody and make 872 00:40:56.929 --> 00:40:59.320 fun of me. before you get a chance to, which 873 00:40:59.429 --> 00:41:01.630 is one of the oldest tricks in the book. And 874 00:41:02.489 --> 00:41:04.309 then you get really good at it, and it works. 875 00:41:04.949 --> 00:41:07.650 And that becomes problematic. Because if you get really good 876 00:41:07.769 --> 00:41:10.849 at it, and people like it, and you realize

you 877 00:41:10.869 --> 00:41:13.880 are completely selling yourself short, and eventually kind of just 878 00:41:13.929 --> 00:41:14.920 lying about yourself. 879 00:41:15.340 --> 00:41:18.460 I have never been more embarrassed and more exposed than 880 00:41:18.500 --> 00:41:21.099 that show. So we were doing a show in Denver, 881 00:41:21.119 --> 00:41:24.320 and it was a huge crowd. So when I come out, 882 00:41:24.380 --> 00:41:27.400 I think the opening line that gets a laugh is, oh, 883 00:41:27.480 --> 00:41:29.900 I'm the comedian that you go to the bathroom during. 884 00:41:31.159 --> 00:41:33.519 No one knows who I am. At least like Ron Funches, 885 00:41:33.920 --> 00:41:37.769 Taylor Thomas, these people had specials out. I was completely unknown, 886 00:41:37.849 --> 00:41:40.269 at least to my mind. And it gets a laugh. 887 00:41:40.650 --> 00:41:45.369 But you saw what was behind that of, oh, I 888 00:41:45.389 --> 00:41:46.030 know what you're doing. 889 00:41:46.070 --> 00:41:46.929 It's a defense thing. 890 00:41:47.420 --> 00:41:50.900 And I would have never changed that behavior unless you 891 00:41:50.940 --> 00:41:53.480 said that because it still gets a laugh. So it's like, yeah, 892 00:41:53.539 --> 00:41:57.179 keep it. And I'm protecting myself. It's like the eight 893 00:41:57.239 --> 00:41:59.219 mile thing of like, he would make fun of himself. 894 00:41:59.320 --> 00:42:01.320 So by the time it was the other guy's turn 895 00:42:01.340 --> 00:42:04.059 to rap battle, they had nothing to say about him. 896 00:42:04.199 --> 00:42:06.920 And you did rap battle me backstage, which was awkward. 897 00:42:07.159 --> 00:42:09.380 I kept wanting to challenge everyone on tour to a 898 00:42:09.440 --> 00:42:13.960 rap battle. And it was a mistake because my whole 899 00:42:14.019 --> 00:42:17.920 style is very early 80s, I'm Conan O'Brien and I'm 900 00:42:17.960 --> 00:42:21.550 here to say, I'm the best rapper in the USA. 901 00:42:21.570 --> 00:42:23.469 And then usually it trails out right after that. 902 00:42:24.369 --> 00:42:26.730 Yeah, we'd keep the cadence, but it wouldn't rhyme. 903 00:42:26.769 --> 00:42:29.269 You really struggled what rhymes with models. Yeah. 904 00:42:29.309 --> 00:42:30.949 And we were like, it's bottles, it's bottles. 905 00:42:30.969 --> 00:42:33.510 I struggled with that. And I bought what I thought 906 00:42:33.530 --> 00:42:36.150 was a Kangol cap, but it was just a small 907 00:42:36.230 --> 00:42:41.650 sailor's cap. And that also hurt. That hurt. So I 908 00:42:42.050 --> 00:42:44.349 learned eventually stop challenging people. 909 00:42:44.730 --> 00:42:45.349 Yeah. 910 00:42:45.929 --> 00:42:46.760 To rap paddles. 911 00:42:47.000 --> 00:42:49.300 But that was the first, I think that might have 912 00:42:49.320 --> 00:42:52.170 been the first real conversation I had with you because 913 00:42:52.190 --> 00:42:53.769 I don't know, you probably have people like this in 914 00:42:53.809 --> 00:42:55.980 your life. If you grow up watching someone and you 915 00:42:56.019 --> 00:42:58.639 are the only one, I think I'd also secretly record 916 00:42:58.659 --> 00:43:00.519 the OC because they did sex on the show. 917 00:43:00.539 --> 00:43:03.340 And I was like, ooh, my chemicals. And I wasn't 918 00:43:03.440 --> 00:43:07.829 getting sex from your show. What are you talking about? 919 00:43:07.869 --> 00:43:12.769 My show was liquid sex. Growling at Heather Graham. 920 00:43:12.849 --> 00:43:15.409 I'm like, even as a homeschooled religious kid, I was like, 921 00:43:15.469 --> 00:43:21.190 that's lame. Yeah, so you have these people in your 922 00:43:21.269 --> 00:43:25.789 head that are just TV people. They carry so much 923 00:43:25.929 --> 00:43:30.469 weight in your head. So even doing that rooftop show, 924 00:43:30.489 --> 00:43:33.320 maybe it was sun poisoning, being at the top of 925 00:43:33.360 --> 00:43:36.050 that roof, but I couldn't hear my own voice. It 926 00:43:36.090 --> 00:43:38.340 was just like shell shock, like the scene in Saving 927 00:43:38.380 --> 00:43:41.199 Private Ryan where he stands up and he's just looking around. 928 00:43:41.260 --> 00:43:44.980 It's chaos. You meant so much to me in my life. 929 00:43:45.260 --> 00:43:46.420 I went up on that roof, and I was on 930 00:43:46.440 --> 00:43:48.760 that roof for 20 minutes. I had to be taken 931 00:43:48.820 --> 00:43:52.179 to the hospital immediately. Yeah. Because I burst into flames. 932 00:43:52.219 --> 00:43:54.929 I don't know. You guys were up there the whole time. 933 00:43:54.949 --> 00:43:55.239 The whole time. 934 00:43:55.320 --> 00:43:57.590 I think it was illegal for us to put you 935 00:43:57.639 --> 00:43:58.230 on that roof. 936 00:43:58.550 --> 00:43:59.070 Oh, yeah. 937 00:43:59.150 --> 00:44:02.389 There was so many soft spots on that roof. I'm sorry. 938 00:44:02.409 --> 00:44:04.650 There's so many things that gave. It was like stepping 939 00:44:04.690 --> 00:44:05.550 on a loaf of bread. 940 00:44:05.570 --> 00:44:06.630 Yeah. Fire. 941 00:44:06.809 --> 00:44:07.070 Fire. 942 00:44:08.170 --> 00:44:11.769 We were told initially that you might, it's possible, don't 943 00:44:11.789 --> 00:44:12.469 get your hopes up. 944 00:44:12.530 --> 00:44:14.230 It's the pre-show. He's got a lot to do. 945 00:44:14.610 --> 00:44:17.179 It's possible he might come up for two minutes just 946 00:44:17.199 --> 00:44:20.039 to solidify like, hey, my name's on this thing and 947 00:44:20.059 --> 00:44:21.880 you guys are going to keep throwing to clips. But 948 00:44:22.500 --> 00:44:25.039 we were blown away and I had so much trouble 949 00:44:25.099 --> 00:44:28.039 sleeping that each night was just so exciting because you 950 00:44:28.059 --> 00:44:29.760 would stay up there for 20 minutes. 951 00:44:29.980 --> 00:44:33.260 It was fun. But, you know, you've worked your ass 952 00:44:33.360 --> 00:44:37.170 off for years.

You've worked really hard. You're very talented, 953 00:44:37.329 --> 00:44:41.059 but I've always said to people, talent is less interesting 954 00:44:41.099 --> 00:44:43.840 to me. There's plenty of people that have talent. It's 955 00:44:43.860 --> 00:44:46.460 what do you do with it? And you have worked 956 00:44:46.559 --> 00:44:49.469 very hard and you're a person, a real character. And 957 00:44:50.050 --> 00:44:52.730 so you have made this happen and then you've told 958 00:44:52.750 --> 00:44:55.269 your story. And I think what you're reacting to right 959 00:44:55.309 --> 00:44:57.630 now is one of the most magical things in life 960 00:44:57.750 --> 00:45:01.750 is talking about something that was painful for you and 961 00:45:01.769 --> 00:45:03.639 it brings a room full of people a lot of 962 00:45:03.679 --> 00:45:09.840 joy and happiness. they laugh and they applaud and you 963 00:45:09.940 --> 00:45:13.449 feel better. And then someone hands you a check. You're like, 964 00:45:13.570 --> 00:45:17.469 what the, how does, what is this? What is this? Yeah. 965 00:45:17.510 --> 00:45:20.090 This was never, I mean, this wasn't even really the plan. 966 00:45:20.110 --> 00:45:23.940 I don't know this. I had to do this. This 967 00:45:23.980 --> 00:45:25.739 is a, I think a lot of people didn't realize 968 00:45:25.760 --> 00:45:28.289 that most people who do comedy, it's a compulsion. They 969 00:45:28.349 --> 00:45:29.909 have to do it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. 970 00:45:29.969 --> 00:45:32.190 No, in my head, I would work at, I was like, 971 00:45:32.250 --> 00:45:33.929 I kind of like the industry. So I'd probably be 972 00:45:33.969 --> 00:45:37.090 a PA, be an office PA. And then at night, 973 00:45:37.130 --> 00:45:39.429 I would do stand-up. Or if it was Taco Bell, 974 00:45:39.449 --> 00:45:41.269 then I would do stand-up at night. But the plan 975 00:45:41.289 --> 00:45:44.010 was never like, this is what I'm going to monetize. 976 00:45:44.030 --> 00:45:46.809 This is going to be a job. And so the 977 00:45:46.829 --> 00:45:48.550 whole special is trying to get to that point. And 978 00:45:48.570 --> 00:45:51.889 the whole special is supposed to be a grift, meaning 979 00:45:52.050 --> 00:45:54.090 the true way to show forgiveness to my mom. 980 00:45:55.079 --> 00:45:57.079 Is not just say I forgive you. 981 00:45:57.139 --> 00:45:58.599 It's like, oh, I'm going to use all the tools 982 00:45:58.619 --> 00:46:03.460 that you used and essentially grift people into connecting with 983 00:46:03.480 --> 00:46:05.489 the special. I say it's not a TED Talk, and 984 00:46:05.510 --> 00:46:09.789 then the very next sentence, pull out a PowerPoint remote 985 00:46:09.929 --> 00:46:13.590 and start talking about essentially what would be in a 986 00:46:13.789 --> 00:46:14.309 TED Talk. 987 00:46:14.369 --> 00:46:15.650 And that's something I learned from her. 988 00:46:15.710 --> 00:46:19.190 You say the grift before you do it. So we 989 00:46:19.230 --> 00:46:22.340 would call into radio stations around the holidays and lie 990 00:46:22.380 --> 00:46:24.860 and say that our house burned down So we could 991 00:46:24.900 --> 00:46:25.619 get gifts. 992 00:46:25.760 --> 00:46:26.599 Oh, my God. 993 00:46:26.679 --> 00:46:27.119 I know. 994 00:46:28.539 --> 00:46:29.679 So she would say that. 995 00:46:29.699 --> 00:46:31.280 She's like, I know a lot of people take advantage 996 00:46:31.300 --> 00:46:35.000 of you on these shows, and it's not the truth. 997 00:46:35.139 --> 00:46:37.130 I just want to say that we just support your show, 998 00:46:37.550 --> 00:46:40.929 and you've gotten us through a really tough time because 999 00:46:40.949 --> 00:46:42.070 the house just burned down. 1000 00:46:42.090 --> 00:46:44.769 And, yeah, so that's something I learned from her. So 1001 00:46:44.869 --> 00:46:45.949 all the tools. 1002 00:46:45.750 --> 00:46:49.010 In here and just how crafty she is with people, 1003 00:46:49.090 --> 00:46:55.159 how charming in that go-getter attitude, all the set. is 1004 00:46:55.400 --> 00:46:58.389 trash from the streets of Los Angeles, that that's how 1005 00:46:58.449 --> 00:47:01.309 we survived, is we would go through people's garbage for stuff. 1006 00:47:02.329 --> 00:47:05.969 And yeah, it was insane how much I used of her, 1007 00:47:06.329 --> 00:47:07.389 of like, well, thank. 1008 00:47:07.210 --> 00:47:11.170 You for these tools. Yeah, yeah. Well, I think one 1009 00:47:11.210 --> 00:47:15.599 of the things that really comes through is how cathartic 1010 00:47:15.940 --> 00:47:20.679 it is, how this is a labor of love. And 1011 00:47:21.519 --> 00:47:25.219 it's so funny- there are so many stories from your 1012 00:47:25.360 --> 00:47:29.239 romantic misadventures and from, you know, all kinds of stuff. 1013 00:47:29.260 --> 00:47:33.099 It's not that, that, but I can tell that it's healing. 1014 00:47:33.380 --> 00:47:36.619 It's to me, that's the ultimate magic of comedy is 1015 00:47:36.699 --> 00:47:39.639 that every now and then it's healing the people who 1016 00:47:39.659 --> 00:47:42.079 are hearing it, but it's also healing the person who's 1017 00:47:42.119 --> 00:47:45.019 performing it. Everybody wins. It's one of the few times 1018 00:47:45.059 --> 00:47:49.000 in nature, like everything in physics, nature always tells you 1019 00:47:49.059 --> 00:47:52.469 like something has to lose, you know, to, to, For 1020 00:47:52.570 --> 00:47:54.670 energy to be over here, you have to lose energy 1021 00:47:54.730 --> 00:47:57.800 over there. And I think the one thing that disproves 1022 00:47:57.840 --> 00:48:02.579 that to me, the one exception in nature is when 1023 00:48:02.619 --> 00:48:05.519 someone's getting real joy out of performing comedy and making 1024 00:48:05.559 --> 00:48:06.579 other people laugh too. 1025 00:48:06.599 --> 00:48:09.599 Do you think there's any danger to that though, like 1026 00:48:09.639 -->

00:48:11.980 a healthy way? I think the lockdown was very hard 1027 00:48:12.019 --> 00:48:13.639 and that I didn't have the outlet. 1028 00:48:13.730 --> 00:48:13.969 Right. 1029 00:48:14.070 --> 00:48:17.170 I do get scared sometimes that if that went away, 1030 00:48:17.230 --> 00:48:20.239 I wouldn't. I feel like it's payment for the past 1031 00:48:20.300 --> 00:48:22.119 of like all those things happened because I was able 1032 00:48:22.159 --> 00:48:23.719 to transmute it into this. 1033 00:48:23.860 --> 00:48:24.420 Right, right. 1034 00:48:24.679 --> 00:48:27.860 But yeah, I can't help but have it in the 1035 00:48:27.940 --> 00:48:30.460 back of my mind of wondering if that is in 1036 00:48:30.500 --> 00:48:32.360 fact actually a healthy thing. 1037 00:48:32.719 --> 00:48:35.900 I would leave that to people listening because I have 1038 00:48:35.920 --> 00:48:39.820 the worst perspective on it. And I do know that 1039 00:48:40.539 --> 00:48:45.300 I've been in a funk lately and it's because I'm 1040 00:48:45.340 --> 00:48:48.110 between projects and I mean, someone the other day, I 1041 00:48:48.110 --> 00:48:51.510 was talking to Paula Davis, who has been with me 1042 00:48:51.590 --> 00:48:54.429 for 28 years. I was talking to her yesterday and 1043 00:48:54.469 --> 00:48:55.889 she said, how are you doing? Because I've been talking 1044 00:48:55.909 --> 00:48:57.139 to her lately. And I said, yeah, I'm still on 1045 00:48:57.159 --> 00:48:59.280 a funk. And she said, you know, you haven't been 1046 00:48:59.300 --> 00:49:01.639 in front of an audience in a long time. And 1047 00:49:01.659 --> 00:49:04.960 you were in front of audiences every day, five days 1048 00:49:05.000 --> 00:49:07.940 a week for 28 years. And now you're not. And 1049 00:49:07.960 --> 00:49:14.219 I went, oh, yeah. Yeah. I didn't realize. And, you know, 1050 00:49:14.260 --> 00:49:18.659 people sometimes– misunderstand and think I'm a smart person. And 1051 00:49:18.679 --> 00:49:20.889 in many ways, I'm not a smart person.– I will 1052 00:49:20.989 --> 00:49:23.269 miss the most obvious thing in the world. And I 1053 00:49:23.329 --> 00:49:27.699 just– I thought, yeah, I got to cope between COVID 1054 00:49:27.880 --> 00:49:33.599 and between my particular situation of being between gigs that 1055 00:49:33.639 --> 00:49:38.690 involve an audience. Yeah. It is– that's probably– Something that 1056 00:49:38.769 --> 00:49:42.309 was helping me a lot, that was medicine for me, 1057 00:49:42.389 --> 00:49:44.610 was to get out in front of people. And even 1058 00:49:44.650 --> 00:49:46.530 before the show started, if I was just screwing around 1059 00:49:46.550 --> 00:49:48.590 with the audience or in the commercial break, screwing around 1060 00:49:48.610 --> 00:49:52.849 with the audience, that was just a salve. It's a reset. 1061 00:49:52.869 --> 00:49:55.429 You could do it with the flu because, yeah, you 1062 00:49:55.550 --> 00:49:56.349 instantly feel better.

1063 00:49:56.389 --> 00:49:59.130 I mean, much to Kuntu's ire, I was doing shows 1064 00:49:59.429 --> 00:50:02.769 even in the lockdown just because I knew I needed 1065 00:50:02.829 --> 00:50:06.429 that to survive. Even bad situations where you're doing an 1066 00:50:06.510 --> 00:50:09.780 outdoor show For cars, you're performing for a bunch of 1067 00:50:09.800 --> 00:50:13.019 Kia Sorentos. Even that was just like that feeling is 1068 00:50:13.239 --> 00:50:16.059 a reset and it makes everything else that feels so 1069 00:50:16.139 --> 00:50:18.730 unbearable sometimes just a little bit tolerable. 1070 00:50:18.849 --> 00:50:20.809 I have to talk to so many comedians that during 1071 00:50:20.849 --> 00:50:24.530 lockdown performed for drive-in shows where people, and they said 1072 00:50:24.550 --> 00:50:27.449 the audience would flash their lights and hit their horns 1073 00:50:27.489 --> 00:50:30.530 instead of applause. And I thought that is so bizarre, 1074 00:50:30.570 --> 00:50:33.159 but I would, and I did not have that experience. 1075 00:50:33.300 --> 00:50:36.420 I was doing shows over Zoom, but I was thinking, wow. 1076 00:50:37.070 --> 00:50:40.849 I could see that almost feeling as good, that a 1077 00:50:40.889 --> 00:50:42.849 car horn is going off. I did a lot of them. 1078 00:50:42.869 --> 00:50:44.320 It's something, yeah. 1079 00:50:44.449 --> 00:50:48.239 And I could say no, because you've only heard the 1080 00:50:48.300 --> 00:50:51.039 honk in the context of fuck you, idiot, move. 1081 00:50:51.360 --> 00:50:52.119 Oh, I see. 1082 00:50:52.239 --> 00:50:54.460 And it's hard to reprogram your brain to say a 1083 00:50:54.579 --> 00:50:56.539 warning sound. It's like, oh, you know what, I get 1084 00:50:56.619 --> 00:50:58.760 off on. I can't come unless I hear an Amber Alert. 1085 00:50:59.360 --> 00:51:03.920 You can't put that warning sound. 1086 00:51:04.260 --> 00:51:09.269 Jesus Christ. A little too much about me. But it 1087 00:51:09.329 --> 00:51:11.949 never felt the same. You're never gonna, yeah, you can't, 1088 00:51:14.090 --> 00:51:16.829 you can't replace the joyous sound of laughter with the 1089 00:51:16.889 --> 00:51:18.929 sound that you associate with, I just took a left 1090 00:51:19.019 --> 00:51:23.519 on red. Yeah. And almost killed somebody. And now I'm 1091 00:51:23.539 --> 00:51:24.860 gonna reprogram my brain. 1092 00:51:24.880 --> 00:51:27.340 Because it's such a conscious choice and laughter is supposed 1093 00:51:27.380 --> 00:51:28.739 to be the spontaneous thing. 1094 00:51:28.760 --> 00:51:29.000 Right. 1095 00:51:29.059 --> 00:51:31.250 Oh, you trick the chemicals in this person's brain and 1096 00:51:31.269 --> 00:51:32.010 you surprise them. 1097 00:51:32.030 --> 00:51:33.030 So they go, hee-hee, ha-ha. 1098 00:51:33.500 --> 00:51:36.210 And the honk is too– I don't know. It's too formal. 1099 00:51:36.309 --> 00:51:40.909 Well, I loved your special and it's funny. I feel 1100 00:51:40.949 --> 00:51:44.289 like either a much, much, much older brother or a 1101 00:51:44.750 --> 00:51:47.179 pseudo dad figure or something. But I take a lot 1102 00:51:47.199 --> 00:51:50.659 of pride in you as a person and an artist. 1103 00:51:50.780 --> 00:51:55.059 And Trash White is on HBO Max right now. And 1104 00:51:55.280 --> 00:51:58.670 as you say, the response has been really tremendous. And 1105 00:51:58.690 --> 00:52:02.760 I like it. My favorite story is nice thing happens 1106 00:52:02.820 --> 00:52:06.199 to nice person who deserves it. And so thank you 1107 00:52:06.340 --> 00:52:10.889 for being a really good friend and for... letting me 1108 00:52:10.929 --> 00:52:15.099 be associated with you, because. Yeah, I mean, I would say. 1109 00:52:15.289 --> 00:52:17.909 I think you're doing me more good than I'm doing you. 1110 00:52:18.369 --> 00:52:19.969 Everything you said, I take as fact. 1111 00:52:20.030 --> 00:52:22.869 I mean, you, I would say a father figure in 1112 00:52:22.909 --> 00:52:25.190 my life, which is, I find. 1113 00:52:25.010 --> 00:52:27.269 That hard to admit. Can't we go with older brother? 1114 00:52:27.289 --> 00:52:30.389 I think grandpa. No, older brother, it's not that. No, 1115 00:52:30.429 --> 00:52:32.909 I'm just a brother. Grandpa. No, no, no, I am 1116 00:52:33.030 --> 00:52:36.159 a brother that just happens to be 55 years older 1117 00:52:36.199 --> 00:52:40.960 than you. Yeah, but different marriage. No, no, no, that's 1118 00:52:41.000 --> 00:52:45.300 the sick thing. Same, same. Big gap, big gap in 1119 00:52:45.340 --> 00:52:49.079 her life. You were born when mom was 78 through 1120 00:52:49.099 --> 00:52:50.920 a series of weird experiments. 1121 00:52:51.400 --> 00:52:53.840 But when I think about all the times that I 1122 00:52:53.860 --> 00:52:56.659 got lucky, a lot of them had to do with you. 1123 00:52:57.380 --> 00:52:59.179 And even when I was a kid and we were 1124 00:52:59.219 --> 00:53:01.340 going through the worst shit that I can't even say 1125 00:53:01.380 --> 00:53:04.239 on that special, watching your show and how much work 1126 00:53:04.280 --> 00:53:08.170 you put into that and your humor, it made it 1127 00:53:08.210 --> 00:53:08.989 a lot easier. 1128 00:53:09.110 --> 00:53:15.119 So thank you for that. We both win. And thank you, Moses. 1129 00:53:15.460 --> 00:53:18.119 And I look forward to hanging out with you probably 1130 00:53:18.199 --> 00:53:19.360 sometime in the next three days. 1131 00:53:19.920 --> 00:53:20.239 Yeah. 1132 00:53:20.500 --> 00:53:23.019 You're not going to- No, no, no, absolutely. Yeah, we're 1133 00:53:23.099 --> 00:53:25.800 circling different projects, but yeah. No, no, I'm going to 1134 00:53:25.820 --> 00:53:26.579 show up. Okay. 1135 00:53:26.940 --> 00:53:27.260 All right. 1136 00:53:27.320 --> 00:53:29.599 I'm going to show it when you guys least want 1137 00:53:29.639 --> 00:53:32.059 to see me. I tend to do that. 1138

00:53:33.219 --> 00:53:36.840 With TUI, there's more choice than you think. Beach days 1139 00:53:37.000 --> 00:53:37.760 or a city break. 1140 00:53:38.159 --> 00:53:39.070 Weekend in Rome? 1141 00:53:39.090 --> 00:53:39.650 Booked. 1142 00:53:40.090 --> 00:53:41.469 Fly from your local airport? 1143 00:53:41.750 --> 00:53:42.309 Of course. 1144 00:53:42.769 --> 00:53:44.710 Just a hotel? Got them too. 1145 00:53:45.150 --> 00:53:45.889 Number of nights? 1146 00:53:46.250 --> 00:53:46.909 Take your pick. 1147 00:53:47.349 --> 00:53:50.409 Tailor your trip with more options and more choice. 1148 00:53:50.809 --> 00:53:55.489 TUI. What's the best way to pay you back? ZipPay. ZipPay? 1149 00:53:55.630 --> 00:53:56.550 Yeah, in your banking app. 1150 00:53:56.710 --> 00:53:57.610 We're not with the same bank. 1151 00:53:57.769 --> 00:54:00.849 Doesn't matter whether you're with AIB, Bank of Ireland or PTSB, 1152 00:54:01.090 --> 00:54:03.369 ZipPay makes sending money as easy as texting a mate. 1153 00:54:03.690 --> 00:54:06.869 It's that simple. Eligible personal customers only. Minimum age limit supply. 1154 00:54:06.929 --> 00:54:09.150 Terms and conditions apply. Allied Irish Banks PLC, Bank of 1155 00:54:09.190 --> 00:54:11.909 Ireland and Permanent TSB PLC, Trading as PTSB are regulated 1156 00:54:11.949 --> 00:54:12.820 by the Central Bank of Ireland. 1157 00:54:13.920 --> 00:54:15.800 Dad, what's the secret to success? 1158 00:54:16.239 --> 00:54:19.719 Well, for a business like ours, it's all about Vision, 1159 00:54:20.460 --> 00:54:22.400 hard graft, determination. 1160 00:54:23.119 --> 00:54:25.659 And relying on trusted partners being there when it matters. 1161 00:54:26.500 --> 00:54:29.300 And help from the family, yeah? Well, you didn't let 1162 00:54:29.320 --> 00:54:33.329 me finish. You've the confidence to build your business. Our 1163 00:54:33.389 --> 00:54:36.690 dedicated teams are always here to support you. Search Bank 1164 00:54:36.730 --> 00:54:39.730 of Ireland Business. Bank of Ireland, right with you. 1165 00:54:40.210 --> 00:54:42.769 Bank of Ireland is regulated by the Central Bank of Ireland. 1166 00:54:43.090 --> 00:54:45.469 Bank of Ireland. 1167 00:54:49.809 --> 00:54:51.909 I do have Christmas presents for you guys that are 1168 00:54:51.949 --> 00:54:52.750 related to the show. 1169 00:54:53.210 --> 00:54:55.250 What? What do you mean? 1170 00:54:55.309 --> 00:54:55.590 Really? 1171 00:54:55.610 --> 00:54:56.409 Yeah, hold on one second. 1172 00:54:56.429 --> 00:54:56.929 Let me drop them off. 1173 00:54:57.329 --> 00:54:58.010 Oh, okay. 1174 00:54:58.150 --> 00:55:00.769 Should we talk while Sam's getting these? Or should we wait? 1175 00:55:00.829 --> 00:55:03.869 Our engineer, Sam, just alerted us that he had presents 1176 00:55:03.909 --> 00:55:04.289 for us. 1177 00:55:04.469 --> 00:55:07.150 By the way, when this airs, it'll probably be mid 1178 00:55:07.210 --> 00:55:08.030 to late January. 1179 00:55:08.070 --> 00:55:09.179 Yes, they're from me. 1180 00:55:09.510 --> 00:55:13.099 Matt, I will mail you yours. I got an ad 1181 00:55:13.119 --> 00:55:16.019 around Christmas time from a store on Etsy that I'd 1182 00:55:16.099 --> 00:55:18.300 used before, and the email made me laugh so hard. 1183 00:55:18.360 --> 00:55:21.440 It said- Do you have a beautiful name? Have it 1184 00:55:21.480 --> 00:55:24.000 engraved on an ornament, which made me laugh because it 1185 00:55:24.039 --> 00:55:26.860 implied I would have my own name made on an 1186 00:55:26.960 --> 00:55:29.420 ornament like a psychopath. It didn't say like, does a 1187 00:55:29.480 --> 00:55:32.219 loved one have a beautiful name? So it made me laugh. 1188 00:55:32.280 --> 00:55:34.159 And then I thought of the most beautiful name I 1189 00:55:34.199 --> 00:55:36.739 could think of. And I had these made. Merry Christmas, guys. 1190 00:55:36.920 --> 00:55:41.949 Hey. Oh, that's so nice. Katakai. Oh, look at that. 1191 00:55:41.969 --> 00:55:42.849 That's beautiful. 1192 00:55:42.869 --> 00:55:46.730 I think they're supposed to be baby names. Oh, that's nice. Beautiful. Katakai. 1193 00:55:47.199 --> 00:55:49.659 Well, I haven't mentioned this, but we named our daughter Katakai. 1194 00:55:50.800 --> 00:55:55.230 Katakai. As you made her? Katakai, as God made her. 1195 00:55:55.269 --> 00:55:59.230 This is so cool. It's really cool. Katakai. Thank you, Sam. 1196 00:55:59.510 --> 00:56:02.269 That's really pretty. Sorry, it's mid-January. Yeah. 1197 00:56:02.409 --> 00:56:02.610 I know. 1198 00:56:02.630 --> 00:56:04.349 I still, I have to. 1199 00:56:04.369 --> 00:56:04.789 You know what? 1200 00:56:04.949 --> 00:56:08.909 There's no, there's really no reason why a Christmas gift 1201 00:56:09.789 --> 00:56:11.269 needs to be given at Christmas. 1202 00:56:11.510 --> 00:56:12.389 Armenian Christmas. 1203 00:56:13.050 --> 00:56:13.250 Yeah. 1204 00:56:13.329 --> 00:56:17.440 Even Armenian Christmas. When is Armenian Christmas? It was January 6th. Yeah. 1205 00:56:17.659 --> 00:56:20.380 Is that just, why? Are they just being difficult? It's 1206 00:56:20.420 --> 00:56:22.500 the Orthodox Christmas. What do you mean, are we just 1207 00:56:22.519 --> 00:56:24.559 being difficult? Just have it on the, how hard is 1208 00:56:24.599 --> 00:56:26.059 it to move it to the 25th? A lot of 1209 00:56:26.119 --> 00:56:28.050 people celebrate it on January 6th. 1210 00:56:28.130 --> 00:56:30.750 You can't say, oh, are you, does an entire culture 1211 00:56:30.809 --> 00:56:33.269 celebrate on a different day just to be difficult? 1212 00:56:33.309 --> 00:56:33.369 No. 1213 00:56:33.449 --> 00:56:36.489 Don't be ridiculous. I realize that could come across as insensitive. 1214 00:56:36.949 --> 00:56:37.230 Yeah. 1215 00:56:37.469 --> 00:56:41.050 You think? I just think, how hard would it be 1216 00:56:41.070 --> 00:56:44.449 to just slide it? It's a couple of days. Not us, 1217 00:56:44.530

--> 00:56:47.309 we do it on the 26th. Why can't you push 1218 00:56:47.349 --> 00:56:50.159 it to January 6th? Because everyone does it on the 25th. Yeah, 1219 00:56:50.219 --> 00:56:53.099 but just push it. Oh, I'm the Irish. The Irish 1220 00:56:53.159 --> 00:56:57.539 like to have it on March 9th. And the tree 1221 00:56:57.579 --> 00:57:00.900 has to be upside down. And it has to be 1222 00:57:00.920 --> 00:57:05.380 shooting Guinness out the bottom of it. Yeah. 1223 00:57:05.769 --> 00:57:07.880 Well, this is a good time to say Merry Christmas, 1224 00:57:07.889 --> 00:57:08.280 you two. 1225 00:57:08.719 --> 00:57:12.860 Oh, for God's sake. What is it now? It's late January. No, 1226 00:57:13.099 --> 00:57:16.159 we're not. I work so hard to make this an 1227 00:57:16.239 --> 00:57:19.380 evergreen show to not have it be date specific. Excuse me? 1228 00:57:19.400 --> 00:57:19.760 What'd you say? 1229 00:57:19.920 --> 00:57:20.719 Like a Christmas tree? 1230 00:57:21.219 --> 00:57:21.519 Evergreen? 1231 00:57:23.269 --> 00:57:25.989 I like these to be always fresh. People can hear 1232 00:57:26.030 --> 00:57:28.070 them at any time. Why can't people hear them and 1233 00:57:28.090 --> 00:57:30.760 be like, oh, they recorded this around Christmas? Because we didn't. 1234 00:57:30.780 --> 00:57:32.940 Why is that? That's okay. I want it to constantly 1235 00:57:32.980 --> 00:57:36.039 be a mystery. I want my movements and motions to 1236 00:57:36.079 --> 00:57:36.719 be a mystery. 1237 00:57:36.940 --> 00:57:37.360 Come on. 1238 00:57:37.400 --> 00:57:38.960 I want people to never know where I am. I'm 1239 00:57:38.980 --> 00:57:42.260 like Saddam Hussein. I've got doubles out there, triples. I 1240 00:57:42.300 --> 00:57:44.719 want people to never know what's Conan up to. I 1241 00:57:44.739 --> 00:57:47.179 don't like it when we're specific about when we're recording 1242 00:57:47.280 --> 00:57:50.800 or where we're recording. You're the most easily recognizable person 1243 00:57:50.820 --> 00:57:51.380 I know. 1244 00:57:52.289 --> 00:57:59.030 Like you're not 34 on January 11th. Conan O'Brien needs 1245 00:57:59.110 --> 00:58:02.559 a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Session and Matt 1246 00:58:02.599 --> 00:58:06.699 Gourley produced by me, Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam Sachs, 1247 00:58:06.780 --> 00:58:10.099 Joanna Solitaroff and Jeff Ross at team Coco and Colin 1248 00:58:10.179 --> 00:58:12.989 Anderson and Cody Fisher at your wolf theme song by 1249 00:58:13.030 --> 00:58:16.050 the white stripes incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. 1250 00:58:16.389 --> 00:58:17.070 Take it away, Jimmy. 1251 00:58:20.469 --> 00:58:23.469 Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent 1252 00:58:23.489 --> 00:58:27.570 producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Will Becton. Talent booking 1253 00:58:27.610 --> 00:58:30.280 by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. 1254 00:58:30.949 --> 00:58:31.630 You can rate and. 1255 00:58:31.590 --> 00:58:34.090 Review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find 1256 00:58:34.130 --> 00:58:36.980 your review read on a future episode. Got a question 1257 00:58:37.000 --> 00:58:42.039 for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and 1258 00:58:42.079 --> 00:58:44.139 leave a message. It too could be featured on a 1259 00:58:44.179 --> 00:58:47.119 future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to 1260 00:58:47.159 --> 00:58:50.710 Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or 1261 00:58:50.750 --> 00:58:52.929 wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. 1262 00:58:53.030 --> 00:59:04.699 Music This has been a Team Coco production in association 1263 00:59:04.760 --> 00:59:05.519 with Earwolf. 1264 00:59:12.139 --> 00:59:15.760 With TUI, there's more choice than you think. Beach days 1265 00:59:15.940 --> 00:59:16.699 or a city break. 1266 00:59:17.099 --> 00:59:18.000 Weekend in Rome? 1267 00:59:18.239 --> 00:59:18.559 Booked. 1268 00:59:19.000 --> 00:59:20.380 Fly from your local airport? 1269 00:59:20.659 --> 00:59:21.219 Of course. 1270 00:59:21.699 --> 00:59:23.610 Just a hotel? Got them too. 1271 00:59:24.070 --> 00:59:24.809 Number of nights? 1272 00:59:25.170 --> 00:59:25.789 Take your pick. 1273 00:59:26.260 --> 00:59:29.320 Tailor your trip with more options and more choice. 1274 00:59:31.809 --> 00:59:32.989 What's the best way to pay you back? 1275 00:59:33.170 --> 00:59:33.590 ZipPay. 1276 00:59:33.829 --> 00:59:34.409 ZipPay? 1277 00:59:34.550 --> 00:59:35.469 Yeah, in your banking app. 1278 00:59:35.630 --> 00:59:36.510 We're not with the same bank. 1279 00:59:36.690 --> 00:59:39.769 Doesn't matter whether you're with AIB, Bank of Ireland or PTSB, 1280 00:59:40.010 --> 00:59:42.289 ZipPay makes sending money as easy as texting a mate. 1281 00:59:42.610 --> 00:59:43.329 It's that simple. 1282 00:59:43.610 --> 00:59:46.090 Eligible personal customers only. Minimum age limits apply. Terms and 1283 00:59:46.110 --> 00:59:48.449 conditions apply. Allied Irish Banks PLC, Bank of Ireland and 1284 00:59:48.469 --> 00:59:51.039 Permanent ESB PLC, Trading as PTSB are regulated by the 1285 00:59:51.059 --> 00:59:51.699 Central Bank of Ireland.