Bản chép lời đầy đủ của #44 - Puberty

WEBVTT 00:00:00.300 --> 00:00:01.923 Well, everybody, here we are again. 00:00:01.923 --> 00:00:09.465 Summer, that sweet melancholy that I've been talking about since summer began, is finally upon us. 00:00:09.465 --> 00:00:15.654 Some cold fall north winds are rustling through the leaves. 00:00:15.654 --> 00:00:22.236 If you look closely, a few of those leaves are starting to tinge and crisp up on the edges. 00:00:22.236 --> 00:00:23.320 Tinge and crisp up on the edges. 00:00:23.320 --> 00:00:26.024 Fall fast approaches. 00:00:26.024 --> 00:00:27.966 How was your summer? 00:00:27.966 --> 00:00:31.292 Great, glad to hear it. 00:00:31.292 --> 00:00:33.034 How's your liver? 00:00:33.034 --> 00:00:35.162 Yeah, me too. 00:00:35.162 --> 00:00:40.057 Me too Laughter. 00:00:44.932 --> 00:00:45.234 Music. 00:01:06.120 --> 00:01:07.203 Music, music oh man, that's rubbish. 00:01:07.203 --> 00:01:07.664 That's rubbish. 00:01:07.664 --> 00:01:10.712 Well, as you can probably tell, I am suffering from psoriasis of the liver that's undiagnosed. 00:01:10.712 --> 00:01:19.721 I don't believe I actually do have psoriasis of the liver, but I will say that all my lack of sleep and this summer's activities have finally caught up with me and we're not doing well. 00:01:19.721 --> 00:01:20.341 Physically. 00:01:20.341 --> 00:01:30.195 We are not well, and so, because I need to take care of me, I'm taking care of me. 00:01:30.195 --> 00:01:40.850 I'm going to just do a very short, simple episode where I talk about puberty for a brief moment. 00:01:40.850 --> 00:01:44.736 I believe there's a bit here and we're going to work it out. 00:01:44.736 --> 00:02:06.061 But, of course, because this is starting stand-up and this is just a spitball area, I am going to just share a little bit of what I did and you can tell me if it made you laugh out loud any of it, and then you can wish me well, you can send healing, healing thoughts towards me, and then I'll be back better than ever. 00:02:06.061 --> 00:02:28.542 And this fall is going to be great, because we're going to put together the summer's content and we're going to shape it into just a world-class stand-up set that is going to rocket ship me to the top of the game, to the top of the heap the game to the top of the heap. 00:02:28.542 --> 00:02:29.525 Oh, watch out Chris Rock. 00:02:29.525 --> 00:02:32.752 Here I come, all right, wishing you healing if you are also suffering from psoriasis. 00:02:32.772 --> 00:02:34.036 I discovered some writing. 00:02:34.036 --> 00:02:34.478 I did. 00:02:34.478 --> 00:02:41.808 I'm really happy I discovered it because it's about puberty and I've always loved puberty. 00:02:41.808 --> 00:02:45.854 I love puberty. 00:02:45.854 --> 00:02:48.498 No, my kids are right on the edge. 00:02:48.498 --> 00:03:11.665 Things are happening and that's really when my memory came online and as I was thinking about puberty and what an absolute horror show it is for people's appearances and just it's almost like a the great mutator I thought what would puberty be like if, like it was a drug dealer? 00:03:11.665 --> 00:03:12.388 You know what I mean. 00:03:12.388 --> 00:03:16.626 Like if puberty was personified in a dark alley? 00:03:16.626 --> 00:03:23.223 I'm not sure you would take the drugs right, because puberty is basically it's. 00:03:23.223 --> 00:03:27.764 It's it's in the street corner and he's pushing, he's like, he's like hey little boy. 00:03:29.168 --> 00:03:30.631 You want a little testosterone. 00:03:30.631 --> 00:03:32.141 You want a little growth hormone. 00:03:32.141 --> 00:03:32.764 Come on, baby. 00:03:32.764 --> 00:03:33.564 Come on over here. 00:03:33.564 --> 00:03:36.980 This shit's going to make you huge dude. 00:03:36.980 --> 00:03:40.307 Your dick's going to grow, bro. 00:03:40.307 --> 00:03:41.449 You want your dick to grow? 00:03:41.449 --> 00:03:42.091 Come on over. 00:03:42.091 --> 00:03:44.144 You want to get yoked? 00:03:44.144 --> 00:03:47.300 You want some bolder shoulders? 00:03:47.300 --> 00:03:48.522 Come on over here, man. 00:03:48.522 --> 00:03:49.465 I got what you need. 00:03:50.246 --> 00:03:52.591 I got straight pituitary gland right here. 00:03:52.591 --> 00:03:55.043 You want to start smelling like shit. 00:03:55.043 --> 00:03:58.730 You want your mom to no longer hug you because you got bo. 00:03:58.730 --> 00:04:02.862 Come on, you want to get rock hard in the middle of the day for no reason. 00:04:02.862 --> 00:04:04.843 I got you, I got you. 00:04:04.843 --> 00:04:19.735 And it's a huge risk, man, if you go into that dark alley and you say yes to puberty, I mean you're taking a huge gamble Because most kids are so cute. 00:04:19.735 --> 00:04:28.360 You know, I can't tell I'm not going to name names, but like you know that person, when they were 11, 12, they were cute. 00:04:28.360 --> 00:04:30.004 It was like oh, wow. 00:04:30.004 --> 00:04:39.552 And then all of a sudden, dude, their nose just grows twice as big and just starts glistening with oil and little pus mountains. 00:04:39.552 --> 00:04:44.490 Come on, man, you want some pus mountains that'll explode and bleed when you touch them. 00:04:44.490 --> 00:04:52.182 You want uncontrollable mood swings, you want. 00:04:52.182 --> 00:04:53.144 You want hey, come on over here. 00:04:53.144 --> 00:04:54.807 You want to hate your parents and lash out at them for no reason. 00:04:54.826 --> 00:05:02.427 You want to start crying and not know why I got you, I got you, I think the bit is there. 00:05:02.427 --> 00:05:05.331 Like if puberty was optional, you know, would you do it? 00:05:05.331 --> 00:05:08.985 Oh, little Jimmy's so cute. 00:05:08.985 --> 00:05:10.831 He's giving me one handsome boy. 00:05:10.831 --> 00:05:13.528 So I pump the brakes on little Jimmy. 00:05:13.528 --> 00:05:20.663 Little Jimmy looks like a horse colt with some sort of skin rash.