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speaker-0: there, I'm Pastor Toot Whitley and this is Conversion Therapy, a podcast where I help lost lambs back to the heterosexual pasture. As you may know, I myself am a reformed homosexual. In fact, I was once the director of a pornographic film set in a fraternity called Beta Succa Alpha, wherein the seniors haze their new brothers by doing kickstands on their penises. Now the only brothers I'm concerned with are Cain and Abel. So if I can get straight, so can you. And so can our guest. Please open your hearts to pansexual Hayden Johnson. Hi Hayden. It's so nice to have you here today, you know. I know it's been a long journey to get to this chair. Well, that's what we're here to do today. And you know, I'm not asking you to be perfect here. You're just starting your journey. And my hope is to take you, guide you hand in hand towards a future that will allow you into the kingdom of heaven because that's what this is really about. We want to make sure you're getting to a place where ⁓ you reach eternal salvation. And that's more important than being able to touch and mouth any sort of genital side of the coast. It's the main one. turn one. You know, I was curious how gay would you say you are on a scale of the Wilhelm scream sound effect to a clown honking sound effect? That's kind of a usual way to gauge queerness. Wilhelm scream straight clown honk gay. to clown. Right, it's gonna be about programming the negative behavior out while increasing the positive behavior. Okay, perfect. And it says here that you were born the same year as Destiny Child's album Survivor. And I'm wondering if that sort of contributed to your pansexuality, you know? That being sort of in the ether when you came out. They were not. Absolutely, I think he would have been, you know, putting nail to tome and tapping in some new commandments about thou shalt not perform in a group of three, do choreographed dancing and singing. Yeah. I must say, yeah, you know, I also, you know, think it's important to note that in the music video for Survivor, the titular track, ⁓ you know, we have girls wearing camo. They're sort of in an army fatigues, which a woman should not be in those. A woman should be in an ankle length dress and a bonnet and maybe holding a candle sort of like Ebenezer Scrooge. And that's mostly what a woman should be doing. And that's where we're hoping to get you today. So I'm curious, what are you most looking forward to about being straight? And this is going to be a tough journey. You to make sure you have a goal at the end that you're sort of working towards. episode. Absolutely, I mean, it sounds like a very exhausting way to live, you know, no matter where you're going, you're kind of looking on your skin and you're going, could be you, could be you, could be you. I can swear on here, you know, we're working towards something more heavenly, but I know where we're. So it's ice cold in there. Yeah, freezing cold. And that's you want the numbing effects so
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you can enjoy it or you want the numbing effects sort of as an emotional layer Right, so you you've got your you've got sort of you're taking breaks in between those you're pressing a ice-cold pat of salted butter to your hole making sure it just sort of Gets right back where it needs to be Okay, all right. Yeah, that's a problem. Actually. I hear many people Experience and ⁓ it'll be nice to find a way to help you ⁓ you know, get towards having a more narrowed focus. you don't know every time you're in a grocery store, you know, picking up your your fruits and veggies, you're not looking over the milk section thinking, well, soon soon I'll be there. Can of whipped cream in one hand. Yeah, percent chocolate milk in the other. All right, well that's a very noble pursuit. I'm also wondering, know, I know that you're here of your own volition and you're hoping to get to the straight side of this, but you are leaving a lot behind. You you have some years under your belts of being being pansexual and so I'm kind of curious, what do you think will be the hardest thing to let go of about being gay? Because you know, there's it's a whole culture and I'm not expecting everything to be easy. The point is that you're trying, you know? Yeah. Absolutely. from God, saints. Those aren't butterflies, sweetheart. Those is hornets from Satan. And you know, I totally understand what you mean. We've had some people come through here saying, know, it's gonna be really hard to be, to give up ⁓ sort of having my hair French braided by a non-binary person named twigs, you know, and how that sort of resonates on an emotional and sexual romantic frequency. But quite frankly, know, twigs are, as we know, a material that is used to start a fire and we all know where the place where most fire is, and that's in. And that's sort of a clear logical jump in my opinion. ⁓ absolutely I had that once ⁓ I once knew a twink named carpet and man it's been hard to sort of go to a hotel or somebody's house ever since because you know whenever I drop a glass I look down and think well carpet's wet yeah and I remember that That's a hard one, really hard. Okay, well to get an idea of how far you've strayed from God's light, we're gonna do a couple of exercises. So this first exercise is called this or that. I'm gonna say two things and you're gonna choose one. So feel free to weigh the pros and cons of each option out loud if you'd like before you pick. So first this or that. Caroling with the church choir or watching music videos with twinks? No, that's okay. Here's the thing. This is just talking about we're trying to figure out your homosexual instincts, so there's no wrong answers. Right. ⁓ okay. Yeah. So it's sort of, you know, you're hanging out with homosexuals, but it's not for sex. It's in hopes of sort of it's like the chain to the radiator that keeps you from the dairy aisle. That's really. Okay, next one. Communion wine or tequila soda. your heart. Yeah, they often say no. which is I think quite ridiculous. not a particularly, you I think all bars should keep communion wine stocked or at least just wine and a priest around. Maybe a priest on the payroll to just make sure that we're blessing that wine which is consumed. Okay, the word of the Lord or melodrama by Lord. One of these you know I think is very integral to life and the other you know might be moving But it's not particularly gonna help you you have you mean like sort of ⁓ the Bible and the Word of the Lord has sort of negatively impacted you. that right. Horny for hell we call that. That's actually part of conversion therapies. We recognize that it's sort of a point of arousal for a lot of homosexuals. The idea that you you might be being poked with a big fork by like kind of jacked guy with blistered red skin. the Okay, well, you know, I'm glad you're being honest. That's what's really important to me. Of course, and we only have a couple more here Fresh holy water on your forehead or fresh lentil loaf in your fridge? It's really it's sort of an accessible food for people in your community and I understand that's why you eat it But it's certainly yeah, I wouldn't say it's bringing any closer to the Lord. That's for sure Absolutely. mean, this is one of the most core elements of our conversion program is, we want to get you to a place where ground turkey, that is front and center. Okay. Most meals. I'm talking breakfast, lunch and dinner. Wow. Because that's what's ultimately going to help our God fearing Christian women have the power, you know, to please their husbands. It's okay, be as candid as you need to be. Absolutely. Okay, thank you so much. And I do have one last one here, which is saving yourself for marriage or saving a TikTok tutorial on how to get into DJing. Also sort of popular in the pansexual community, I hear. Yeah, you know, I know at least 20, 30 different homosexuals who've had their lives ruined by, I would argue maybe two or three of the same DJ. Yeah, you're pissed. You're stomping your feet. Absolutely. All right. Well, I would say we're not we're not looking great moving on from that exercise to how gay you might be. I'm going to be I'll be serious with you. Pansexuality is really getting through. Oh, you're stomping. You're doing. That's all right. We're going to move on to another exercise. This exercise is called five things. So I'm to give you a category. You're going to list the first five things in that category that come to mind. Great. Yeah. OK. So this first category is five things you don't want to find in your bag. Big spider. Right, so not your diary. Sort of like a ransom note diary. Okay, yep, that is a spider. I saw your harbor in a kiddie Yep. Advocate, okay seems like with the answers you're given here someone is after you someone's trying to as they say get you I can't say any of those are particularly gay, definitely not. I mean, I would argue that not wanting to find your bag full of water is kind of, you
know, not wanting to look at your own reflection of your experience in the pansexual community. you know, the acid is probably just being fearful of the burning holes that you feel in your heart whenever you're sinful homosexual behavior. And, you know, I think the cat, the spider, the diamond, you're pretty self-explanatory. They all sort of fit into a larger mosaic. Okay, next category. Got it. Five elements of a great party. Gotta be more than ten. We got a 1 to 3 to themself. just absolutely dancing for his life. Big Bollock. Yeah, you know, every great party I've ever been to has sort of had a guy just losing his mind on the dance floor with a Ronald Reagan impersonator and the whole family dog. You know, I thought that you were going to say, you know, I know that experience when you've met a dog and it's like, this dog doesn't normally like people. And over the course of the night, you sort of win it over and you feel a sense of ⁓ pride in that. But instead, you're articulating the experience of a dog who starts sort of shy to be around and then absolutely throws ass in a matter of two hours. Mm-hmm Yeah, think that's incredible. And in fact, I think that could even be sort of a branch of the Air Bud franchise. Yeah, it's sort of Air Bud ⁓ meets step up. And AirBuds there too, so there's an additional dock. Again, these answers aren't inherently incredibly homosexual, but they're definitely pansexual. ⁓ Certainly not. Okay, got a couple more of these here for you. how about five pickup lines that would work on you? Five pickup lines that would work on you. Okay, yeah, I'm getting a sense that, ⁓ you Who's back there? You have to remain calm because you're on the Aww. I imagine it was a different gender of person both times. It's kind of sounds like mirror behavior from all Wow, so maybe that's why there's such a push for way most that people can just be sort of you know fornicating on the road Yeah, good. No, the Waymo sort of removes that factor from the situation, which is pretty incredible. I think that's at least three, maybe four. He's sort of doing his hand like you do to a cat. and they get in their big... Yeah, that's you know, I do feel like that that's true for a lot of women where it's mostly about the buildup. Yeah, you know No, I mean, I think you would only be able to be fully satisfied if this fire person will say, tossed you in the truck, turned on some sirens, got you down to the nearest bombs and took you to the movies. as ignited in ways people will be evacuating for months. Behind the lactate. Yeah lactose free protein And I will say, you know, some people might argue that this isn't true, but I will say that to me, that is objectively pansexual. So it's clear to me that we have our work cut out for us, you know. But don't worry, we have a femininity coach coming in. Vanessa, thigh gap is in a lot of great work with us in our conversion therapy program. And she'll come through and help you with that in just a minute. It's so nice to be here with you. ⁓ I'm sorry I'm late. I was installing a ring cam on the snack cupboard so I can monitor when my daughter eats an almond between meals. What's your name again? I'm going to if I got I think two probably would have mentioned me. I'm a femininity coach and we're going to connect you define feminine to get you safe from hell. I heard you've been struggling a little bit with the idea of like moving towards straightness. Yeah, but have you ever considered that that's gross and yeah, that's yucky And it's head scratcher. Okay, yeah, because like the main thing is like that you're getting into heaven. But like a big part of it is also that like the other way is like so gross and yucky. And yuck makes you go, you feel sick about it. ⁓ Yeah. Okay. Well, that's good. Yeah. Yeah. Because the main thing for me is like in order to like help you get to like a really beautiful, holy place. I have to, you have to understand that like what I say is like really important. And like, it's sort of like what my opinion is actually like the most important opinion you can have. And that if you don't kind of abide by what I think you should do, then you for sure going to. Yeah, and it's really beautiful to be able to recognize that on yourself, you know? Yeah. Okay, so we're going do an activity to start your conversion therapy called Madonna or Whore. Work. And I'm going to list some qualities and you're going to say whether they're behaviors of a holy woman like a Madonna. Not like Madonna, yeah, but like Madonna or for Madonna is sort of like another name for like Mother Mary. Wow, okay. Yes, I'm teaching you something Madonna whore is sort of sometimes people talk about Madonna whore and like Madonna whore complex where it's like women can only be seen as like saints or like sluts But I think it's better to be a saint than a slut because if you're a slut then you're going to hell and you're gross disgusting that's like one of the biggest pluses but there's only ever been straight sinks so if you want that you can't be pinsexual anymore okay Yeah, you could be like patron saint or something my hope is I want to be paint you'd say you have like a really chunky French manicure like patron saves the nails so thick I'm saying like really like almost it's sort of like ⁓ something Mineral and vitamin lies in my body's not well that reason you need a saint to kind of guide you through that process. I that's actually very beautiful. so we're gonna play a Madonna. I'm gonna list the quality and you say it's the quality of a Madonna like a saint or a whore. Okay helping an old man cross the road. Okay, so you're like honestly so good at this. Okay. And you're like way further along than I'd say most people. And that that sort of stems from this like really really angry deep sad place inside of yourself where you're like I myself as a woman hate myself for that reason every other woman must also be hateful, you know Yeah, so it's actually like
so gorgeous because my answer is gonna be yeah If you help an old man across the road, you're a whore because the men you should be helping are your husband and Jesus Okay Madonna or whore role playing as your husband's 23 year old intern doing sex at his request. under any. So. The 23 year old. sexy sex stuff. You're like there's some people who go through this therapy who i'm like We're gonna get you to like a really beautiful place But I don't know if you'll like find like a really high level husband and that is like just so not gonna be true for you Thank you because you like really have such a beautiful understanding of what this culture is all about because yeah What I was gonna say is role-playing as your husband's 23 year old intern doing sex at his request is madonna because by serving your husband you're serving the lord So that's like really You started there are some moments where you're going to have to order a wig on Amazon to sort of fill the role of almost like what Amanda Bynes looks like and she's the man like sort of like put that on and like a sweater vest. Absolutely. That's really beautiful that you're already doing that for men in your life Like I just feel like the main thing is like cutting out all the yucky disgusting stuff and keep that ⁓ Recruiting women at your church for Herbalife, which is sort of this gorgeous marketing opportunity for women to sort of like buy vitamins and recruits and people to like also sell vitamins. Growing seed inside you you know why the first time I've ever done this I think your answer is more right than mine because I did have that it was Sort of it was Madonna because a girl's got to find a way to make some pocket money for her lotions But I actually do think you're right yeah, like why should you have a job like you should be at home growing a life, you know That's like so beautiful that should be going in the Bible this time. Yeah, when we updated every once in a while with some views that we think are like better now and yeah, our capitalistic purpose. And I got a few notes Okay, Eugene, wait, we only have a couple more of these. Madonna or a whore, giving your sons a ride to school. Definitely. And that's one thing that we can be for certain is that if you're not driving your son to school, you're to be transitioning. Yeah. They're going to run into you. They there could be a Sephora along the road. Wait, what are you saying? The issue I think is our sons are sort of trans. And we have to. That's the biggest thing we need to stop. Like it feels like, you know, like there are people who like to be like, ⁓ how come there are so many stories about priests touching children? ⁓ And you know what I say to that? We were concerned about driving or not driving. Yeah, you know, you have one argument and suddenly you're just finding like Palettes of like really expensive and like honestly quite beautiful like glittery eyeshadow palettes. Yeah It's not right So I guess what I'm gonna say is with
finality giving your sons a ride to school is horror behavior Because why are you in a car with six men who aren't your husband? That's it. I have six sons and one daughter. My sons are named ⁓ Chip, Gronk, Rips, Punch, Wheel, and Knife. And my daughter's name is Cassandra. Thank you. Okay, two more. Madonna Hoare, paying for parking with quarters. You know, it's like ⁓ girl gets a driver's license and suddenly she's already donated to a go fund me for a lesbian bar that seems to open and close every other week in Los Angeles It's sort of like you a woman gets a driver's license and suddenly you're like, ⁓ no now she has access to sort of a dimly lit bar where you can get a hot dog with caviar on it for like $40 and that's really bad. Terrifying. We shouldn't be doing that. So yeah, I would say paying for parking with quarters. Ladies don't scrounge for coins. You know I'm talking about? Okay, the last one. Open carrying at a men's jeez. without error for. Don't mention me having that. Yeah, know this I've been saying this for a long time like that we should get rid of wedding rings and just sort of get his and hers guns. Yeah, it's like, she's taken it's because I'm standing in the middle of a target parking lot wearing a low cut V deck fire. You know, yeah, everyone's like, OK, so she is married, actually. Yes, stand above. Yeah, like really like on a platform or something to look down. That's the kind of security I'm looking for. And you know what? I have to agree with that. It's like really similar to how my husband proposed to me. You honestly pass that game with flying colors. You're really good at this. Okay, so we're gonna move on to some role play and this is gonna help you ward off homosexual advances, okay? So you're at a farmer's market and I'm a vegan cheese saleswoman with a delicately placed beauty mark. I'm gonna try and get your number and you have to reject me, okay? So at the farmer's market, I'm selling vegan cheese, you're coming to buy, and I'm, this is hard. Hi, welcome to my stall, Chelsea's Cheeses. ⁓ We have a really great variety of vegan cheeses. They're kind of Havarti and feta. If you want, can have a free sample. They're just really cute. ⁓ are you okay? You're not vegan or? today. Sweating so much! know, I actually sell ⁓ some lemonade that I make, so here's a free lemonade. Beautiful lady discount. Maybe use milk hearts alternatives, we're not really using Pith. No, no. ⁓ my god, are you okay? Is it hard? You're having a sort of physical response to this. Hey, hey, listen here. Come sit in my camping chair. I love going camping. So here in the chair. I know that this is difficult, you know? I know that trying to buy vegan cheese from sort of a salesperson like me is hard, but I think what might be easier is if you take my number. In fact, have you ever been to a vegan dairy section? Right ever adding the scene and do you see sort of and I didn't mean to trick you, but you really are. I know. And he did kind of good at the beginning. You were sort of yelling about piss a bunch. It didn't seem like you were trying to push me away. But ultimately, like the main issue is you still have your weakness, which is, course, the dairy section. It's just like a kind of a cloud. That's okay. It's okay that your car is getting broken into. We'll send someone out there. We'll security at the church. We're of course in the basement of St. Paul's church. Don't worry. OK, listen, that's really hard for everyone. And you did try your best to reject me. And that's the most important thing. Yeah. And you have your weaknesses so you know what you need to work on. OK. OK. All right. You know what? We're to move on to some straight affirmations. you'll just repeat after me. I do not want to hit on a woman by saying you're so soft. Well, yeah, it's really hard these, but you have to say them because it's your premise to yourself that you're going to change. Okay, yeah, I know you're really sad, but okay, the next one is I want to wear a beanie with a fur pom pom all the time. I want to a beanie with a mom on top. Okay, you did get there and it sort of sound a little bit like you're trying to speak in a different character, like it doesn't apply. Yeah, I can feel that. let's get, well you need to get centered with this one. me, Vanessa. Okay. Okay. I do not want to wear thigh high boots in a sort of mommy way. Really hard one for you. It's a big part. It's a big part of your Mm. Very good. That's hard, but you're getting there. It's okay, you know, it's important to me the chair can be replaced, you know, you know, it can't be replaced your ticket to heaven Yeah, so we're gonna do the imporum work. Okay. So the next one is I want to name my golden doodle something quirky like Frank or Bill Really? Come join us. Very good. Okay. I do not want my mental health to depend on a tarot spread pulled by a non-binary person named Crow. Did you have sort of a spiritual guidance liaison named Crow? It doesn't here's the thing I'm not gonna deny that it's almost always exactly right when crow pulls But it is against God in heaven and you won't get in there if you keep doing stuff with that person Okay, and here's our last one. I want to buy the Mickey Mouse ears with the bull on them so everyone knows I miss Pussy. And that one's sort of fun, so sort of have fun with them. I think that it's the way I do my makeup. You got to bring back your classic stomps, I do think that that is good because part of pin sexuality that like is really under seen is that ⁓ when you are pin sexual, you're inviting like all genders to be equal to you. And we know genders are not equal. good, everything else bad, evil, evil. Yeah, really bad. Yeah. And so I think it's important that, you know, you're rejecting certain things for yourself so that you can accept the more beautiful things for yourself too. Okay. So I will. You're gonna get to it. Which I think is actually really good. It means you're kind of
accepting it more into your life. I will say I have to go. I have to pick up some steaks to cook for dinner because I was gonna make salmon but my husband told me that fish is for queers. So I will be happy to keep your progress going along but let's meet back here in six months and Toot will assess your journey, okay? Good luck, sister. Welcome back. It's been six long months and I'm proud to say it looks like our guest has had some great progress. We're gonna check in here in our conversion therapy basement here at St. Paul's with our wonderful and newly straight Hayden Johnson. Hayden, I must say, you've got sort of a heterosexual glow about you. How's this last six months been? Yeah, you know, I've heard that since we last spoke, you've only been getting your groceries delivered. You haven't even been to Sephaphan the store. And there's, I think that that's, there's nothing, nothing more straight than that. And it's actually very beautiful. And that is actually your God-given right most people don't know that that like, you know when you become straight ⁓ The the place where you might have had a homosexual proclivity is now filled with just this roiling anger to speak to the manager. Yeah I actually have a question for you. of our folks when they go through, you know, some of our patients when they go through conversion therapy come back ⁓ seeking to be called by a new name, a more Christian name. Have you by chance decided to go by anything new now in this straight era of your life? That's gorgeous. Yeah, you go by Mary. And at the end of day Mary is just a girl from the Bible, ain't she? She's a girl from the Bible that we know and love as Jesus' mother. Bethlehem's biggest star. One thing about Mary is when she went through immaculate conception, she essentially became the influencer of that time in Bethlehem. Everyone wanted to buy her blue scarf. Everyone wanted to be knocked up by a god. That's all right. know that, and I've had other people who undergo conversion therapy have that experience, but it might also just be because me and of course, Vanessa, who you worked with are these ⁓ firm examples of heterosexuality. Okay, so life seems to have brought you to a very calm and heterosexual place outside of when you're screaming at an ⁓ employee at a service station. ⁓ I was curious, what kind of line of work are you in now? more further aligned with your spirit, your straight spirit. Absolutely. wearing underwear is very salacious. You should That's right. Also with no underwear. That's a really that ⁓ and ⁓ Yeah Mm hmm. We want it to be classic style. Wow. I do love that I asked you what your occupation is. Your answer was that you're stealing underwear. Do you sort of do anything with this underwear? Wow, that's really beautiful. A company like that has never been made before either. I feel like you got to give it some sort of snazzy title, stealing from a good Christian folks. In this case, it is good because you're helping them into
the kingdom of heaven and you're selling that to arguably felons and actual deviants and dirtbags. That's sort of like a page of the Bible you're giving them essentially. Proverbs 3, 6. It is really important that when you sit down and read the Bible you first... sort of make sure you're hanging out. Yeah, you wouldn't you don't why would you put you know sort of an obstacle in the Lord's way? That's like making Jesus run through a bunch of tires like No they put underwear. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think being pre-Apple, PA, you know, is actually integral to making sure that this generation of Christians gets to heaven because it's harder and harder every day. Pretty soon you're begging someone to take a bath. Wow, okay, so that's mostly you've been doing for work now I have to ask you do you have sort of a glow of new love around you? Did you potentially find a husband a beautiful and a Christian God-fearing man to make your very own? Right, I was sort of wondering why there was a man down here. Polishing the gun sort of looking at you with a ⁓ furrowed brow. ⁓ But I should have assumed that was your husband. Going sort of like sort of like Tasmanian devil eating a mango. You ⁓ Birds just flying around your head. Well, that's really beautiful. What is his name? I'm sorry you might have said but I'm not sure I caught it. What's your husband's name? I was noticing that when he was taking you know short intervals of stopping cleaning his his pistol he was picking up a pair and he was going he might have been sick because he saying what's up doc Absolutely. Wow, that's beautiful. And you know, I know you were married ⁓ somewhat recently within the last six months. What did your wedding ceremony look like? Like what was the way that you committed yourselves to each other? I heard your dress was made by Acme. Your train was actually sort of the wick of a stick of dot-on. Yeah, yeah. Someone lit it. A little explosion. Wow, a good classic Catholic wedding. The whole crew came out. Wow, that's really beautiful. You know, I do have to say as though, even though it sounds like you're doing incredibly well, you know, in your new straight life, you're incredibly successful in your business and then of course your marriage, you know. It was only six months ago that you were still dabbling in pansexuality. So I'm curious, what do you think the biggest lesson is that you've learned in leaving homosexuality behind? Because you had to learn a lot to get to the space you're in right now, this wonderful space you're in. Big red lips, of a big one of those wigs where it looks like a bunch of corn cobs. Big yellow wig. I've seen his work. ⁓ Yeah, you know that is exactly what the Bible says and I know that because I picked up one of the ones that you wrote in and first it says take your underwear off now and the second thing it says is one man will be able to everything. So depending on the Bible you pick up may or may not be in there but it's in the ones I've read. The Bible should frighten you into a space where you are willing to change things about yourself that are natural to you to please a God that you may never be. And that is honestly the kind of conversation that I've been trying to push with anybody I've been talking to recently is that you should be changing the way that you feel you are naturally disposed to because there is a book from a really long time ago that said don't do that. Don't do that because it's bad. And we gotta believe that. And praise him. Wow, this has been so incredible. I will say we're keeping up our 100 % success rate here at Conversion Therapy, which is pretty wonderful. And I will say ⁓ one thing I do like to ask everybody who's gone through therapy is this, is are there any social media profiles on Instagram or TikTok that we should definitely avoid, that we should be sure not to look at that might lead us into a path of sin. Travels to Absolutely, I've heard that there's nothing but trouble during Hayden Johnson's hours. So you gotta make sure that in America you keep yourself safe from any sort of show that Hayden Johnson might be putting on. otherwise, Mary, it's been really wonderful. And may God bless your heart.