The Covert Ways Women Undermine Each Other

WEBVTT
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.500
Has a woman ever smiled, looked you directly
00:00:02.500 --> 00:00:05.700
in the eye, and handed you a soul-crushing insult
00:00:05.700 --> 00:00:08.740
disguised as an innocent compliment? You're not
00:00:08.740 --> 00:00:12.140
imagining it. And today we are breaking down
00:00:12.140 --> 00:00:16.300
the hidden psychological warfare of polite exclusion
00:00:16.300 --> 00:00:20.739
and exposing the exact tactics used to quietly
00:00:20.739 --> 00:00:28.410
dismantle your confidence. Hi, everyone. I'm
00:00:28.410 --> 00:00:31.309
Shauna Gabriel, and this is The Flavored Word
00:00:31.309 --> 00:00:34.270
Podcast. Welcome. Imagine someone attacking your
00:00:34.270 --> 00:00:37.530
intelligence, your social status, your beauty,
00:00:37.570 --> 00:00:41.450
even without ever raising their voice or breaking
00:00:41.450 --> 00:00:45.189
a single rule of etiquette. That harmless comment
00:00:45.189 --> 00:00:49.509
about your outfit, it wasn't praise. It was a
00:00:49.509 --> 00:00:53.630
calculated strike. We've all seen the viral TikToks,
00:00:53.630 --> 00:00:57.280
the passive-aggressive co-workers. "frenemies."
00:00:57.280 --> 00:01:01.079
But the science behind it, it's brutal. Backhanded
00:01:01.079 --> 00:01:05.459
praise and social sabotage, it can tear you down
00:01:05.459 --> 00:01:09.000
while sounding perfectly polite, perfectly composed,
00:01:09.299 --> 00:01:12.739
perfectly innocent. Ever wonder why Regina George's
00:01:12.739 --> 00:01:16.519
"I love your skirt" lives rent-free in our collective
00:01:16.519 --> 00:01:20.900
psyche? Because it's a masterclass in psychological
00:01:20.900 --> 00:01:25.049
warfare in real life saying, "You're so brave
00:01:25.049 --> 00:01:27.969
for wearing that." It isn't a compliment. It's
00:01:27.969 --> 00:01:31.769
a tactical strike wrapped in plausible deniability.
00:01:31.849 --> 00:01:35.709
If you somehow missed the cultural tutorial, here's
00:01:35.709 --> 00:01:38.129
a quick refresher. In Mean Girls, the movie,
00:01:38.269 --> 00:01:41.549
Regina spots a girl in the hallway and gushes,
00:01:41.569 --> 00:01:43.969
"Oh my God, I love your skirt. Where did you get
00:01:43.969 --> 00:01:46.969
it?" The girl beams and says it was her mom's
00:01:46.969 --> 00:01:51.109
from the '80s. Regina smiles, that perfect weaponized
00:01:51.109 --> 00:01:54.280
smile, and replies, "Mmm, vintage. Sooo adorable."
00:01:55.200 --> 00:01:58.040
We all know Regina did not think that skirt was
00:01:58.040 --> 00:02:01.459
adorable. Not even a little. Okay? All right,
00:02:01.519 --> 00:02:04.879
moving on. Likewise, think about those viral,
00:02:05.000 --> 00:02:09.039
icy, red carpet interactions where actresses
00:02:09.039 --> 00:02:12.240
smile through clenched teeth. That polite exclusion?
00:02:12.879 --> 00:02:16.139
Female competition doesn't use fists. It uses
00:02:16.139 --> 00:02:19.539
weaponized compliments and microaggressions to
00:02:19.539 --> 00:02:23.780
signal power without ever breaking decorum. Have
00:02:23.780 --> 00:02:26.680
you ever been in a semi-public moment where
00:02:26.680 --> 00:02:30.759
someone says something that stings so sharply
00:02:30.759 --> 00:02:33.919
you freeze? You don't defend yourself. You don't
00:02:33.919 --> 00:02:36.219
even adjust your expression. You just let it
00:02:36.219 --> 00:02:40.219
slide off like water on glass. But then, then
00:02:40.219 --> 00:02:44.580
someone close to you leans in and says, "I just
00:02:44.580 --> 00:02:47.960
love how you don't care what people think." I'm
00:02:47.960 --> 00:02:51.879
sorry, what? Of course you care. It hurts. You
00:02:51.879 --> 00:02:54.159
felt it. You were just doing everything in your
00:02:54.159 --> 00:02:58.060
power not to lose your composure and end up as
00:02:58.060 --> 00:03:02.199
a cautionary tale on the evening news. I like
00:03:02.199 --> 00:03:06.159
to call it backhanded praise, the Trojan Horse
00:03:06.159 --> 00:03:10.139
of criticism. Words like "brave," "bold," and "interesting"
00:03:10.139 --> 00:03:13.080
sound supportive, but they're actually carrying
00:03:13.080 --> 00:03:15.800
a hidden message straight past your defenses.
00:03:21.530 --> 00:03:25.050
Fake empathy. The delivery looks kind, but the
00:03:25.050 --> 00:03:27.590
intention is not. If you really want to see polite
00:03:27.590 --> 00:03:31.169
exclusion in its natural habitat, watch a group
00:03:31.169 --> 00:03:35.210
of women who don't want to look exclusive, but
00:03:35.210 --> 00:03:39.210
absolutely want to be exclusive. It's never loud.
00:03:39.310 --> 00:03:41.590
It's never obvious. It's never something you
00:03:41.590 --> 00:03:46.050
can screenshot. It's inside jokes dropped like
00:03:46.050 --> 00:03:49.610
breadcrumbs you're not meant to follow. It's
00:03:49.610 --> 00:03:54.219
the subtle body angle shift, the kind that technically
00:03:54.219 --> 00:03:57.659
still includes you but emotionally shuts you
00:03:57.659 --> 00:04:00.240
out. It's the group chat you're in but somehow
00:04:00.240 --> 00:04:04.080
never actually in. The plans that accidentally
00:04:04.080 --> 00:04:07.879
get made in the other chat. The photos posted
00:04:07.879 --> 00:04:10.599
from an event you didn't even know existed. This
00:04:10.599 --> 00:04:15.379
is non-confrontational click behavior. Exclusion
00:04:15.379 --> 00:04:18.019
without the messiness of confrontation. No one
00:04:18.019 --> 00:04:21.759
says you're not invited. They simply create a
00:04:21.759 --> 00:04:24.660
social environment where you're always adjacent,
00:04:25.040 --> 00:04:28.399
never central. And the worst part, if you call
00:04:28.399 --> 00:04:32.279
it out, you look dramatic. Because the tactics
00:04:32.279 --> 00:04:34.879
are designed to be deniable. They're engineered
00:04:34.879 --> 00:04:38.160
to make you question your own perception. Here's
00:04:38.160 --> 00:04:41.240
the part no one talks about. Social isolation
00:04:41.240 --> 00:04:45.720
often causes more long-term stress than direct
00:04:45.720 --> 00:04:50.170
conflict. Someone openly dislikes you, your nervous
00:04:50.170 --> 00:04:53.149
system knows what to do. It's clean. It's identifiable.
00:04:53.370 --> 00:04:57.370
It's a threat you can name. But polite exclusion,
00:04:57.790 --> 00:05:01.529
backhanded praise, the slow fade out from a friend
00:05:01.529 --> 00:05:05.089
group, your brain can't categorize it. It's threat
00:05:05.089 --> 00:05:08.629
adjacent, but not enough to justify a fight or
00:05:08.629 --> 00:05:11.769
flight response. So, instead, you live in a state
00:05:11.769 --> 00:05:15.449
of chronic micro stress. You replay conversations.
00:05:16.410 --> 00:05:19.230
You analyze tone. You wonder if you imagined
00:05:19.230 --> 00:05:22.509
it. You try harder. You shrink. You overfunction.
00:05:22.910 --> 00:05:27.149
You underfunction. You lose sleep. Covert isolation
00:05:27.149 --> 00:05:30.449
is psychological erosion. It doesn't break you
00:05:30.449 --> 00:05:33.389
in one blow. It runs you down grain by grain
00:05:33.389 --> 00:05:36.470
until you start doubting your own worth. And
00:05:36.470 --> 00:05:40.269
that's why it's so effective. It's cruelty disguised
00:05:40.269 --> 00:05:46.189
as civility. Now let's talk about the cultural
00:05:46.189 --> 00:05:49.449
gas level that gets poured on everything we do.
00:05:49.550 --> 00:05:53.889
The algorithms. Women are constantly auditing
00:05:53.889 --> 00:05:57.129
everyone else's choices, our lifestyles, our
00:05:57.129 --> 00:06:00.889
outfits. We do it because we're trained to. Every
00:06:00.889 --> 00:06:04.250
trend cycle is faster. Every must-have item
00:06:04.250 --> 00:06:07.569
is more expensive. Every effortless look takes
00:06:07.569 --> 00:06:12.870
10 steps and three serums. Every "clean girl" or...
00:06:13.199 --> 00:06:17.240
"mob wife" aesthetic becomes a new image for social
00:06:17.240 --> 00:06:19.720
belonging. And when women are under constant
00:06:19.720 --> 00:06:23.420
pressure to perform, compete, and optimize these
00:06:23.420 --> 00:06:28.379
microaggressions, they flourish. Suddenly, "bold
00:06:28.379 --> 00:06:32.279
choice" becomes a critique. And "that's an interesting
00:06:32.279 --> 00:06:36.439
look," becomes a warning. "I could never pull that
00:06:36.439 --> 00:06:41.579
off," becomes a hierarchy. "You're so brave for
00:06:41.579 --> 00:06:45.550
wearing that," becomes a power play. Algorithms
00:06:45.550 --> 00:06:48.350
don't just shape trends. They shape social behavior.
00:06:48.649 --> 00:06:51.850
They create scarcity. Scarcity creates competition.
00:06:52.629 --> 00:06:56.170
Competition creates covert aggression. And women
00:06:56.170 --> 00:06:59.189
end up policing each other in ways that feel
00:06:59.189 --> 00:07:05.029
personal but are actually systemic. And then
00:07:05.029 --> 00:07:08.069
there's me. And honestly, I'm starting to wonder
00:07:08.069 --> 00:07:12.269
if maybe just maybe I... was a mean girl. Remember
00:07:12.269 --> 00:07:15.069
the Kathy story from last week, fifth grade,
00:07:15.189 --> 00:07:17.750
the swing, the push? I've replayed that moment
00:07:17.750 --> 00:07:20.449
more times than I care to admit. And the truth
00:07:20.449 --> 00:07:23.490
is uncomfortable. That was covert aggression.
00:07:23.910 --> 00:07:27.389
That was me weaponizing someone else's vulnerability
00:07:27.389 --> 00:07:30.949
to secure my place in a social hierarchy I didn't
00:07:30.949 --> 00:07:33.029
even understand. I was trying to be powerful.
00:07:33.230 --> 00:07:37.529
I was trying not to be alone. And that's the
00:07:37.529 --> 00:07:40.620
part we don't talk about enough. So much of this
00:07:40.620 --> 00:07:43.379
behavior, the backhanded praise and the polite
00:07:43.379 --> 00:07:47.339
exclusion, the subtle aggression, it isn't born
00:07:47.339 --> 00:07:50.680
from cruelty. It's born from fear. Fear of isolation,
00:07:50.920 --> 00:07:54.480
fear of irrelevance, fear of being left out of
00:07:54.480 --> 00:07:57.240
the group chat, the inside joke, the photo, the
00:07:57.240 --> 00:08:01.879
moment. Follow. Fear makes us perform. Fear makes
00:08:01.879 --> 00:08:05.620
us compete. Fear makes us hurt people we don't
00:08:05.620 --> 00:08:09.310
actually want to hurt. Where do we go from here?
00:08:11.769 --> 00:08:15.209
Maybe it starts with naming it. Maybe it starts
00:08:15.209 --> 00:08:17.990
with telling the truth about the way we've participated
00:08:17.990 --> 00:08:22.910
in these behaviors. It starts with choosing connection
00:08:22.910 --> 00:08:27.089
over competition, with asking ourselves, am I
00:08:27.089 --> 00:08:30.230
saying this to lift her up or to protect myself?
00:08:30.569 --> 00:08:35.370
With noticing when we're tempted to use subtlety
00:08:35.370 --> 00:08:39.909
as a shield. We recognize that belonging isn't
00:08:39.909 --> 00:08:44.190
built on exclusion. And maybe, just maybe, it
00:08:44.190 --> 00:08:46.990
starts with giving ourselves permission to step
00:08:46.990 --> 00:08:50.750
out of the performance entirely, to stop auditing
00:08:50.750 --> 00:08:54.730
other women's choices, to stop interpreting everything
00:08:54.730 --> 00:08:57.389
as a threat, and to stop participating in hierarchy
00:08:57.389 --> 00:08:59.950
we never agreed to be in in the first place.
00:09:00.429 --> 00:09:03.190
Because the truth is, most of us aren't mean
00:09:03.190 --> 00:09:06.809
girls. We're scared girls who... learn the mean
00:09:06.809 --> 00:09:10.049
girl tactics as survival skills. And once you
00:09:10.049 --> 00:09:12.850
see that, you can choose something different.
00:09:13.049 --> 00:09:14.669
I'm learning that the mean girl isn't a villain.
00:09:14.929 --> 00:09:17.470
She's a frightened version of us trying to survive.
00:09:17.710 --> 00:09:21.330
And maybe the bravest thing we can do is stop
00:09:21.330 --> 00:09:23.789
surviving and start connecting with ourselves,
00:09:24.169 --> 00:09:26.909
with each other, with the parts of us we've been
00:09:26.909 --> 00:09:31.049
too afraid to look at. I'll meet you back
00:09:31.049 --> 00:09:33.110
here next Wednesday because that's all I've got.
00:09:33.250 --> 00:09:35.850
So, until then, please be sure to subscribe so
00:09:35.850 --> 00:09:38.889
you get all the fresh content and the snark before
00:09:38.889 --> 00:09:41.669
everyone else. And remember, this isn't a scrapbook.
00:09:41.950 --> 00:09:44.450
It's unfiltered talk. Have a great rest of your
00:09:44.450 --> 00:09:44.850
week, everybody.