TRANSKRİPT 🔗
WEBVTT
00:00:30.359 --> 00:00:33.390
Hello and welcome to the podcast today.
00:00:34.539 --> 00:00:43.659
So I wanna talk about something that's really interesting because sometimes we can feel like we're being pulled in two very different directions.
00:00:44.090 --> 00:00:50.299
You've got a missionary out in the field, in your heart, is partially out there with them, and then back here at home.
00:00:50.750 --> 00:00:56.780
Life is still very much happening, especially if you have aging parents who have started to need some.
00:00:57.250 --> 00:01:06.909
A little bit more of your support and maybe some attention, and it's kind of a weird in-between space'cause you have one foot in the future with your child.
00:01:06.909 --> 00:01:08.079
You're watching them grow.
00:01:08.079 --> 00:01:10.569
There's all these things happening, all this change.
00:01:11.109 --> 00:01:17.740
And then you have one foot in the past with the people who raised you, and then you're just right there in the middle and that's you.
00:01:18.920 --> 00:01:30.469
And the truth is it's easy to feel lost in that space, kind of like you're invisible, or that no one sees how much you're doing or that life is happening to you.
00:01:31.189 --> 00:01:41.689
So today we're gonna talk about how to stay anchored, how to support the people that you love without abandoning yourself in the process and how to be onto your brain.
00:01:44.074 --> 00:01:52.384
When it starts, whispering lies about that kind of leaves you feeling like a victim of your life because I promise you, you are not powerless.
00:01:52.895 --> 00:01:55.324
But sometimes we have to slow down and we remember that.
00:01:55.775 --> 00:02:04.365
And so one of the reasons I wanted to touch on this topic is because this is something that's happening in my life and I live close to my parents.
00:02:04.395 --> 00:02:06.314
They moved near me about.
00:02:07.305 --> 00:02:13.634
Six years ago or seven years ago, and with the idea that I would help them as they got older.
00:02:14.984 --> 00:02:21.645
And then I find myself in this situation and I find myself really working through some of the things that have come up.
00:02:22.034 --> 00:02:25.335
I have two missionaries out serving, plus I have some aging parents.
00:02:25.694 --> 00:02:32.835
And also this applies not only to aging parents, but if you have missionaries out and they're your first and you have.
00:02:33.074 --> 00:02:35.234
At home, you have your younger kids too.
00:02:35.504 --> 00:02:38.685
So it's like anytime you're feeling pulled in different directions.
00:02:38.685 --> 00:02:42.344
But this middle place is just a really tender place.
00:02:42.394 --> 00:02:50.984
This season of life is really full and you're trying to answer your missionaries phone calls and if they send emails.
00:02:51.039 --> 00:03:01.449
Maybe even offering some encouragement, like if they're getting discouraged or helping them anchor in safety, maybe their nervous system is
Load full transcript
kind of dysregulated at times.
00:03:01.449 --> 00:03:03.189
And so you're trying to create some of that.
00:03:04.000 --> 00:03:15.370
And at the same time, you're fielding calls from your siblings, doctor's offices your parents that maybe are calling you and they don't remember that they've told you things already.
00:03:16.655 --> 00:03:20.134
It's not just doing these things that that's exhausting.
00:03:20.134 --> 00:03:21.185
It's also holding.
00:03:21.185 --> 00:03:27.484
It's holding the emotions, holding the mental load, holding the responsibility, holding your own heart.
00:03:27.905 --> 00:03:35.224
That feels like at times that it's quietly breaking and stretching in a lot of directions all at the same time.
00:03:35.594 --> 00:03:45.734
And it can be really, really tempting to believe that you're at the mercy of all of it, and that is just how it has to be now and that you're trapped.
00:03:46.875 --> 00:03:48.554
But this is what I want you to hear.
00:03:48.554 --> 00:03:51.344
You can love people deeply and still have boundaries.
00:03:51.884 --> 00:03:59.924
You can show up for other people and you can stay totally connected and grounded in yourself, and you can honor the stewardship.
00:04:00.759 --> 00:04:07.389
Of helping and assisting your parents without losing your sovereignty doesn't, you don't have to be swallowed up.
00:04:09.250 --> 00:04:18.400
So here's where I'm gonna bring in a little bit of coaching'cause this is like the good stuff and this is what we all really want help with, is your brain loves to be efficient.
00:04:19.300 --> 00:04:24.850
And when your brain is exhausted or overwhelmed, it's gonna serve you up the easiest narrative possible.
00:04:25.150 --> 00:04:26.379
This is too much.
00:04:26.980 --> 00:04:28.389
No one else is helping.
00:04:29.139 --> 00:04:31.900
I'm always the one stuck doing everything.
00:04:32.590 --> 00:04:34.329
I can't do this anymore.
00:04:34.930 --> 00:04:36.009
Does this sound familiar?
00:04:36.009 --> 00:04:36.639
Any of you guys?
00:04:37.360 --> 00:04:40.000
Hopefully something am thiss resonates with you.
00:04:40.000 --> 00:04:42.639
This is really a victim brain, and it's not wrong.
00:04:42.639 --> 00:04:46.660
It's not bad, it's just doing what your brain does.
00:04:47.650 --> 00:04:57.040
But if we're not onto it, then we start to believe those thoughts is truth and then we start living from them and we can create a lot of resentment and anger.
00:04:58.895 --> 00:05:13.925
And we'll start showing up like women who are stuck and more powerless and we start talking like we have no options, and we start parenting and caregiving from a place of resentment and burnout, which that is totally not where we wanna be.
00:05:14.265 --> 00:05:24.765
Instead what if you paused and you just got really curious, what if you notice those thoughts and you're just able to gently ask yourself, oh, is that true?
00:05:25.395 --> 00:05:31.455
Or is that just my brain on autopilot trying to feed me some thoughts and ideas?
00:05:32.205 --> 00:05:36.585
So what if you could say, I can see that my brain, I can see what it's doing here.
00:05:37.245 --> 00:05:39.254
It thinks that I'm stuck, but I'm not.
00:05:39.285 --> 00:05:40.605
I may be stretched.
00:05:41.115 --> 00:05:45.015
It may be a hard season, but I'm also wise, capable, and resourceful.
00:05:46.335 --> 00:05:50.444
You get to be onto your brain and from here you get to choose something different.
00:05:50.694 --> 00:05:54.145
You have to kind of be onto like what your brain feeds you.
00:05:54.175 --> 00:06:01.405
'cause we create neuro pathways when we have thoughts that we choose to think over and over again.
00:06:01.405 --> 00:06:06.564
I can tell you something that happens to me, that my brain is uberly efficient.
00:06:06.855 --> 00:06:16.694
And when I get overwhelmed, stressed, or I feel like I'm stretched, my brain likes to say things like, you need a treat.
00:06:19.814 --> 00:06:21.375
I think you need some sugar.
00:06:21.375 --> 00:06:22.485
And then you'll feel better.
00:06:22.485 --> 00:06:23.504
And normally I don't.
00:06:23.504 --> 00:06:33.715
I feel worse, but my brain, I've done that for so long, I have to make a very conscious effort to be able to see it and see what my brain is feeding me.
00:06:33.715 --> 00:06:34.435
And also.
00:06:34.985 --> 00:06:42.935
I also love to say back to my brain, I'm choosing this, so let me give you a separate example.
00:06:42.965 --> 00:06:58.385
Other than aging parents, have you ever been in a sacrament meeting that is a testimony meeting and there's A few people that get up and, you know, bear their testimony every month like clockwork and it can be kind of annoying at times.
00:06:59.015 --> 00:07:07.444
And I was actually having this conversation with one of my friends and we were talking about it and I said, you know how I stay out of resentment towards that?
00:07:07.475 --> 00:07:08.525
And she was like, how?
00:07:08.525 --> 00:07:11.944
And I said, I just tell myself, no, no, I'm choosing this.
00:07:13.340 --> 00:07:15.620
And so I do that in a lot of areas in my life.
00:07:15.620 --> 00:07:22.100
Like if I see resentment coming in, or I see kind of like an annoyance, I'm like, oh, I'm choosing this.
00:07:22.340 --> 00:07:24.470
I'm choosing to attend church.
00:07:24.770 --> 00:07:26.450
I'm choosing to come to Sacrament.
00:07:26.450 --> 00:07:34.170
I'm choosing to be open to whatever I'm being taught, I'm choosing this and it's very, very proactive.
00:07:34.500 --> 00:07:42.040
So this also helps when you have aging parents and you're helping is just being able to tell yourself like, I'm choosing this.
00:07:42.564 --> 00:07:44.245
In this moment, I'm choosing this.
00:07:44.485 --> 00:07:45.865
I'm choosing to help them.
00:07:46.435 --> 00:08:00.905
And this is something that I mentioned, I am facing, I, I deal with this on a daily basis and my parents aren't getting any younger, as
long as I'm staying focused on them and helping them, like I'm choosing this, then I can stay pretty clean.
00:08:00.905 --> 00:08:14.495
But if I start looking around and my brain starts feeding me ideas like, your siblings should be helping more or so and so should call them, or maybe her ministering sister should be visiting her more often.
00:08:14.495 --> 00:08:21.694
If I do anything like that, then I start to create resentment and I am creating it, and because I'm creating it.
00:08:21.735 --> 00:08:23.115
I can uncreate it.
00:08:23.655 --> 00:08:33.855
And so it's like being really on to what your brain is doing so that you don't create those resentment pathways and you keep things very cleaned up.
00:08:33.914 --> 00:08:37.215
And that is something that I am working on myself.
00:08:37.215 --> 00:08:37.904
And so I.
00:08:38.809 --> 00:08:42.080
That's one of the reasons I really wanted to share it.
00:08:42.179 --> 00:08:44.429
Let me say something really clear here.
00:08:44.460 --> 00:08:52.590
This isn't about spiritually bypassing hard stuff, and I'm not here to tell you just be grateful or just to think happy thoughts.
00:08:52.590 --> 00:08:54.689
That's totally not it.
00:08:55.139 --> 00:09:04.019
I'm here to help you notice when your brain is telling you a story that keeps you disempowered and we really wanna protect your energy and it doesn't mean.
00:09:04.529 --> 00:09:07.559
Protecting your energy does not mean pretending.
00:09:07.559 --> 00:09:08.519
Everything's fine.
00:09:09.059 --> 00:09:11.909
My mom having cancer does not feel fine.
00:09:12.329 --> 00:09:16.139
I'm not gonna pretend like that feels fine, right?
00:09:16.589 --> 00:09:21.480
It means noticing when I start carrying somebody else's emotional backpack, I.
00:09:21.824 --> 00:09:23.594
And gently putting this down.
00:09:24.164 --> 00:09:26.084
So I love backpacks.
00:09:26.804 --> 00:09:35.594
I am an outdoor enthusiast of epic proportions, and so this idea of emotional backpack really resonates with me.
00:09:35.594 --> 00:09:38.654
But it can be anything for you, like whatever it is.
00:09:39.044 --> 00:09:48.404
When you start noticing you're carrying somebody else's emotional backpack, or if you're putting on somebody else's emotional shoes, if you're drowning in somebody else's emotional.
00:09:48.429 --> 00:09:49.269
Pool.
00:09:49.899 --> 00:09:58.360
It's gently being able to set it down or to get out of that pool and it means you just have to ask yourself some really simple questions.
00:09:58.360 --> 00:09:59.769
Is this mine to carry?
00:10:00.610 --> 00:10:04.329
Do I like who I am when I show up this way?
00:10:05.589 --> 00:10:09.159
What would love do here for them and for me?
00:10:10.254 --> 00:10:14.694
probably my favorite question is, do I like who I am when I show up this way?
00:10:15.474 --> 00:10:22.745
Because when I show up, resentful, angry, annoyed, snarky I don't love the way that feels.
00:10:22.745 --> 00:10:25.605
I don't love the way that, feels in my body.
00:10:25.934 --> 00:10:28.304
And I usually end up having some regrets.
00:10:29.039 --> 00:10:30.539
So this is real work.
00:10:30.539 --> 00:10:34.919
Like honest to goodness, when people talk about deep work, this is deep work.
00:10:34.919 --> 00:10:36.089
It's not flashy.
00:10:36.659 --> 00:10:43.230
No one's gonna give you a gold star, but it's work that helps you stay very steady and helps you start to shift.
00:10:43.349 --> 00:10:56.019
And I find that if it gets a little overwhelming and I start getting, resentful one of the things that I like to do is I just like to take it to God in prayer and just open my heart and just ask him to help me carry this load.
00:10:57.664 --> 00:11:03.365
This is the work that allows you to answer your missionaries email with a really deep presence instead of pressure.
00:11:03.814 --> 00:11:10.384
'cause sometimes we get, we feel a lot of pressure if they're struggling, but it's like being really present and being really aware.
00:11:10.834 --> 00:11:16.954
It, it also allows you to take your mom to an appointment without spiraling and resentment.
00:11:17.654 --> 00:11:28.564
It allows you to have conversations with your siblings without thinking about all the things they should be doing, kinda keeps you cleaned up and keeps your side of the street cleaned up.
00:11:29.344 --> 00:11:39.964
It's what helps you pause before you say yes to one more thing because you know that your energy is sacred, and it's also being able to know when to step back and to take care of yourself.
00:11:40.485 --> 00:11:51.884
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is to take a nap because honest to goodness, if you're lacking sleep, none of this is gonna come together well for you.
00:11:52.485 --> 00:11:53.985
Sometimes you have to say no.
00:11:53.985 --> 00:11:54.794
I said, no.
00:11:54.794 --> 00:11:59.324
This week I had my ministering sisters that wanted to come and visit me.
00:11:59.324 --> 00:12:06.375
I'm in the middle of doing a big move where I am actually moving in with my parents to help them during the week.
00:12:06.855 --> 00:12:12.495
And I, I initially, I felt a little bit of pressure like, oh, I need to let him come.
00:12:12.495 --> 00:12:15.254
But then I just said, I actually don't have the energy this week.
00:12:15.404 --> 00:12:17.204
And so I just said, I can't this week.
00:12:17.204 --> 00:12:17.924
It's not a good time.
00:12:18.924 --> 00:12:29.394
Sometimes it's sitting in your car and crying and then deciding on purpose that you're going to keep showing up anyway and you're gonna show up from just a different emotional place.
00:12:29.814 --> 00:12:31.764
And sometimes you're just gonna show up tired.
00:12:31.764 --> 00:12:31.824
I.
00:12:32.250 --> 00:12:33.480
And that's okay too.
00:12:35.559 --> 00:12:39.939
I just want to remind you of something that this season will not last forever.
00:12:39.939 --> 00:12:41.620
So how do you wanna
show up in it?
00:12:42.069 --> 00:12:50.889
The habits that you create now, the grounding time for yourself, the being onto your brain of being able to honor your energy.
00:12:50.990 --> 00:12:53.990
these things can last a lifetime and they're a gift.
00:12:54.469 --> 00:12:55.569
And you're missionary.
00:12:55.990 --> 00:12:57.219
They don't need a perfect mom.
00:12:58.209 --> 00:12:59.289
They need a real one.
00:12:59.679 --> 00:13:26.500
They need a resilient real mom and one who's learning how to live from her calm center, that when you get activated and you're in team hyper or team hypo, that you also can draw on the information you've gathered about yourself so that you can regain your footing and get your legs back under you, and you can get back to your calm center so that you can show up the way that you want.
00:13:27.129 --> 00:13:29.569
But your missionary they need to see this.
00:13:31.879 --> 00:13:34.129
And your parents, they don't need a hero.
00:13:35.059 --> 00:13:43.129
They just need a daughter who knows her limits and offers what she can without pretending that she doesn't have any.
00:13:43.789 --> 00:13:44.750
And you, you need, you.
00:13:46.564 --> 00:13:57.064
You need to be fully present, fully human, fully capable of walking through all of this with grace, even when it's messy and it feels really hard.
00:13:57.934 --> 00:14:03.605
So take a deep breath here and get really curious about what your brain is telling you.
00:14:03.605 --> 00:14:06.724
And remember that you're not a victim of this life.
00:14:07.024 --> 00:14:10.834
You're the author of it, and you're doing a beautiful.
00:14:11.269 --> 00:14:12.139
Beautiful job.
00:14:13.370 --> 00:14:23.389
So if this episode helped you breathe just a little bit easier, maybe calm your nervous system down just a little bit, you can come over and hang out with me on Instagram.
00:14:24.029 --> 00:14:27.299
That's the main place I hang out and I'm not on there a ton.
00:14:27.299 --> 00:14:29.579
I actually don't do a lot of social media anymore.
00:14:29.579 --> 00:14:29.610
I.
00:14:30.610 --> 00:14:41.110
And then there's, this is the kind of work that we can do together every week on this podcast, learning how to stay regulated, to be present, and to choose love without losing ourselves.
00:14:41.110 --> 00:14:45.519
So just remember that you're not alone, you're not stuck.
00:14:46.120 --> 00:14:53.860
You're just in the middle of something really important and you've, you've got this, and that is what I have for you today.
00:14:53.889 --> 00:14:56.169
Now, I wanted to start a new thing.
00:14:56.485 --> 00:15:04.105
On my podcast, I got an email the other day that said I had fan mail on my podcast and I was like, wait, what?
00:15:04.434 --> 00:15:05.544
What is fan mail?
00:15:05.964 --> 00:15:10.956
So I was really excited to go in and read what somebody sent me.
00:15:11.579 --> 00:15:11.699
I.
00:15:11.699 --> 00:15:19.794
And so I decided that from now on, if somebody sends me fan mail, I'm just going to include it at the end of my podcast, so I'm just gonna read it.
00:15:20.245 --> 00:15:21.894
It said thank you for your podcast.
00:15:21.894 --> 00:15:25.314
I have one missionary out and one who is about to submit an application.
00:15:25.794 --> 00:15:31.860
I just wanted to tell you how happy I feel after I listen to your podcast and how helpful the topics you cover are.
00:15:33.529 --> 00:15:34.879
Oh, I love this.
00:15:35.360 --> 00:15:42.349
And I actually did a search to see if there was a way that I could respond to fan mail and that I could, you know, send out a thank you.
00:15:42.829 --> 00:15:47.059
But there isn't because it, it, it does come through basically anonymous.
00:15:47.059 --> 00:15:47.689
So I.
00:15:48.324 --> 00:15:50.394
Thank you so much for sending this.
00:15:50.424 --> 00:15:55.804
This came from Sheridan, Wyoming, thanks for, for listening and thank you so much for the message.
00:15:56.254 --> 00:16:11.194
Alright, everybody, have a fantastic week and let's just keep working slowly through this life together and hopefully we can just make small shifts, small changes, and continue to open our heart to Christ.
00:16:11.584 --> 00:16:12.485
We'll see you next week.
00:16:12.485 --> 00:16:12.844
Bye-bye.