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Hey friend, everything that feels good isn't always good for you.
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This week, I had the opportunity to catch up with one of my personal close friends, who has a friend whose wife is being a little too friendly.
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Let's talk about it.
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What would you do?
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You are now tuning into Love Frequency, where love grows, so let's go.
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Welcome to Love Frequency, the podcast that helps you transform your pain into power.
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We do that through conversations like these that inspire an increased level of self-awareness.
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I'm your host and love advocate, nia, and I've been told that I'm that friend that you need to talk to, but you don't want to talk to because you just don't want to face your shit.
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Well, welcome to the family and congratulations on you finally choosing you.
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Hey friend, listen, it's been a whole week since we caught up.
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I got so much to tell you and I'm so excited, so this story I'm about to share with you.
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Honey, let me give you some background before we dig in Now.
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For those of you who are new to Love Frequency and are a part of this relaunch that just took place, the whole format of the show is changing, so I thought I would present the show in a much more organic way.
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Real talk, what we about to talk about.
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This is exactly why my mind be doing the things it do, why I think the way I think because I am inspired by people, by interactions, by the way that we perceive love, and I've always been fascinated by that, not just with other people within my own self, but sometimes a story, a conversation, will inspire me to just dig a little bit deeper and the lessons that come from that I have always been able to use it in my own life to level up and to share that information.
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I feel like I grew the most when I had people who challenged me in a loving way and really, that's all that's it.
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So take this ass open, man, quit tripping.
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So listen, friend, I have this really amazing human being that sits at my table and we're going to talk about the table in a whole, nother episode, but focus.
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So this friend of mine we've been friends.
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I met her in 2012 and when I tell you, this person is a reflection of me, at every phase of my life, it has been so beautiful to watch this friendship grow and manifest in all of its dysfunction and glory, because every time, we may have a disagreement and not talk for a little bit or life happens and we separate for years.
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Load full transcript
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Anytime we come back together, one is like no time has ever left I know some of y'all have a friend like that and two, we always realize that we never are where we were when we last connected, and that is such a beautiful reflection.
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I love knowing that my circle, my table, is full of people that reflect back to me the parts of me I love about myself.
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This friend of mine sends me a text message and I think this text must have come through it like 10 some.
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I got a question for you.
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Now I know this friend.
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One of the biggest things I adore about this person is that our communication is always direct and honest.
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Honey, we have a mutual respect for each other, but what that does it allows us to mutually be honest and truthful.
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So I know when she says she got a question, it ain't never going to be a regular question.
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So she reached out and her question was.
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So the wife of one of my longtime friends is flirting with me.
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Now I don't reciprocate any of these feelings and even if I did, I value my friendship too much to give it any energy.
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So if you were in my shoes.
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Would you one continue to ignore it, like I've been doing?
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Two, would you tell the friend?
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Or three, would you check the chick, so I'ma pass it to y'all before I give you this thought water.
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What would you do?
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And while you're thinking about that, if you have a story or a question that you want to share with the Love Frequency show so we can dig in deep, baby, because on this show, when you know you grow, go ahead and send your question to Love Frequency.
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You can do that two ways.
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One, you can email me and that's L-V-E-F-R-E-Q at gmailcom.
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That's right, love freak at gmailcom.
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I own it, it's mine.
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The second way is you can inbox us on Facebook, tiktok or IG.
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That means you got to follow us when you go out there too.
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Okay, we have fun, we cut up, so I'ma see y'all on the other side of this story.
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So what would you do?
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I ain't gonna hold my tongue.
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She asked for it and she know I'ma give it to her.
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But I've grown up a lot and I'm less reactionary.
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So first, if we go back to it and we look at what the question is, right, I have a friend who feels like the partner of their good friend, their wife is being inappropriate now my first thought was I could jump right into Giving her advice.
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We like to give advice without having all the information or asking the right damn questions, and when we do this we are responding from our pain baby.
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So I need a more context Then I can decide where we're growing from this conversation.
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You know what I'm saying.
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So my questions to her were Is your assumption true?
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If it's not true and you engage either person, it could be awful and potentially Harmful to your friendship, and I know, I know, that's not what you want.
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If it is correct and I know my friends, intuition is good so it probably is.
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I Got a few follow-up questions.
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One are you in situations where she can flirt To?
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How often are you alone with her?
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Three when it happens, are others around?
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Four what have you contributed to the interactions?
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Five how can you remove yourself from situations where she can flirt?
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Six do you like the attention but don't like the guilt?
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Seven what we're bringing awareness to this situation?
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Solve?
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Now let's pause on these questions for a little bit, because I know some y'all are like dang.
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There's some really good questions because they are, they truly are.
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But what happened, I feel like and what her question allowed me to be reflective on is.
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I know my response would have been reactionary.
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I would have jumped right into solutions and I would have made this whole conversation about who the wife.
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She shouldn't be doing that.
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She's got a husband, but baby.
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It's my friend who has the feeling.
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So what's?
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My friend who has created this narrative.
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It's also my friend who can change this narrative.
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So, in true fashion, my friend was reflected for a little bit and here's what she texts back.
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So when I asked are you in a situation where she can flirt?
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She said yes, I am.
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I go see my friend often.
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He's dealing with something personal.
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That makes sense.
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How often are you alone with her?
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She
said never alone, but she flirts with me when maybe he goes to another room.
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But she also texts messages and we're connected on social media.
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Okay, when it happens, are others around?
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She said just her children.
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What have you contributed to the interactions, dust?
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I feel like when she said this, there was a hand gesture that followed and a facial expression who, but friend?
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We come back to this because I'm not sure about that one.
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I'm not sure I'm calling bullshit.
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I'm not saying intentionally, but unintentionally Definitely calling bullshit.
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How can you remove yourself from situations where she can flirt?
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She said no clue.
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That's why I'm asking you I got you, boo, I got you.
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Do you like the attention but don't like the guilt?
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And she said I'm always flattered by attention, but that doesn't mean I like her.
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I will say this if I haven't said it before.
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If nothing else, my friend, this motherfucker, gonna be honest Much respect, man, I adore her so much.
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And, lastly, what we're bringing awareness to this situation solve Her response.
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Bringing awareness would just make things weird.
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So what you're saying is keep ignoring it.
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She's so slick.
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She's so slick.
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I feel like people believe what they want to believe.
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That's what that was.
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She heard what she wanted to hear, because I know, my friend, this is exactly what she's going to do.
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All in all, I think her responses were very honest and I can understand the perspective that she's coming from and where she sits it's uncomfortable.
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She is feeling uncomfortable and she doesn't want these feelings of uncomfortable, but she doesn't know how to maneuver.
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Now let's go back real quick.
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You have a good friend of a couple decades.
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They're going through something where you need to be there for them in this time, so it's not like you can just stop seeing your friend, for you ignorant asses who suggested that as a dang solution.
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Come on, family, we ain't doing that.
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Let's be a little bit more open-minded, and I say that because this is more about boundaries setting than controlling somebody else's actions.
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If this truly makes you uncomfortable, to allow it to go on, can send the wrong message.
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The shit's simple.
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Number one honey, block her on social media and your phone.
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Number two she isn't your woman, so you don't have to explain anything to her.
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This really has nothing to do with her.
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This is more about you protecting you and doing what makes you feel good so that you can be there for your friend, which is number three I would explain my decision to my friend, just in case she brings it up to him and it doesn't look like it's an issue again.
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This sets a clear boundary, but out of respect for the friendship.
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Number four don't waver.
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You hit it direct.
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Five be honest.
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He doesn't need to understand it and I don't think you should over explain it, but if he's your friend, then he'll respect it.
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There's a few moments of pause and then you see those little dots moving and she hit me back with.
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I think this is solid advice.
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My favorite part is an explanation to her is not needed.
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So I'm feeling really good about this, because I also feel like the advice is man righteous.
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Most folks won't take it because everybody wants to avoid situations that they believe or perceive can create conflict or create more uncomfortable.
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However, I did check up with my friend.
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Y'all Wanted to see how things were going.
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You know, if the situation ironed itself out, I didn't know what rabbit hole we were about to go down.
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Y'all this seems so simple, right.
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Honestly, I think when she first sent this text message, it took me an entire day, maybe an evening, to respond, and the reason why I didn't respond quickly is I did need time to reflect.
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I think immediately when these scenarios come up, my first reaction is just to respond based on what I've been through, and that's not always the right move.
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And so I put myself in her shoes and I ran through it, and as I was sitting there, I started thinking a couple of things.
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I do believe when somebody's asking for advice, it is important that you ask the right questions before inserting your two cents, but because I know my value, I think instead I approach it from a perspective of what am I really feeling and, based on how I'm feeling, what can I control?
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It's so easy to focus on the actions of other people and not focus on what you might be contributing Using.
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Ignoring someone can be worse than telling them exactly how you feel.
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Sometimes, avoiding situations that cause you discomfort can create greater discomfort, because really, it means you don't yet know how to stand up for yourself.
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You don't know how to make the best decisions for you, and you're right Running away from it.
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Ignoring it could possibly maybe solve it, but I think this cycle, this pattern, has happened more than once.
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So let's set some boundaries and when we're setting those boundaries for ourselves, not against other people, but for self ensure that they're firm, don't waver.
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How did you get yourself here in the first place Not having firm boundaries?
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This could have been dead a long time ago.
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I was told something from someone and it really stuck with me.
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You teach people how they can treat you, so I would say, be very mindful, not just of the company you keep, but what you allow.
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As always, thank you for checking in before you check out.
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This is the podcast where you come empty believe, fool baby.
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So if you like what you've heard.
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Please, if you could rank us on whatever podcast platform you might be listening to right now.
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We are on Apple podcast, spotify, deezer, iheartradio, audible I'm pretty sure we're everywhere where you can listen to a podcast.
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Go ahead, search love frequency, and right next to our name you're going to see stars.
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You're going to see a voting icon.
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Go ahead and give us five.
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Go ahead, it's okay, it's free.
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We appreciate it.
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And don't forget, if you have a question for us, if you have a story you want to share, or if you want to respond to this episode, what would you do?
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What would you do differently?
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Do you agree or disagree?
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I'm open to all conversations, honey, as long as you know that it goes two ways.
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And don't forget, share this with one person you know who needs to stop blaming other people for the boundaries they refuse to establish.
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Until next time.
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I love you.
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Be good to you.