Why Receiving Doesn’t Feel Safe With Nicola Myles bölümünün tam dökümü

doctors, and there was nothing coming up that was wrong with him. 00:02:42.400 --> 00:02:45.919 And at the time, anxiety wasn't something that we thought about or talked about. 00:02:46.080 --> 00:02:49.680 It was just he was feeling sick and we couldn't understand why. 00:02:49.840 --> 00:02:52.400 In the end, I took him to a hypnotherapist. 00:02:52.560 --> 00:02:58.080 My mum said she's uh very spiritual, my mum, and said, Let's try something different. 00:02:58.240 --> 00:03:01.360 So I went to a hypnotherapist and it worked. 00:03:01.520 --> 00:03:05.840 And I said to the practitioner, How do I do what you do? 00:03:06.080 --> 00:03:08.080 Because this is amazing. 00:03:08.639 --> 00:03:13.680 And then he said, read this book, do a course, and get a really good mentor. 00:03:13.840 --> 00:03:15.199 And I was like, Oh, okay. 00:03:15.360 --> 00:03:16.639 I walked away. 00:03:16.879 --> 00:03:22.800 And my mum being a she's a Reiki master, a psychic medium, and she's incredible. 00:03:22.960 --> 00:03:29.120 But I've seen her in the spiritual realm, and I was like, I feel it's a bit left field. 00:03:29.199 --> 00:03:32.000 I want to go more mainstream. 00:03:32.080 --> 00:03:33.599 So I studied counseling. 00:03:33.680 --> 00:03:39.120 And at the end of the counseling course, the place that I was learning through offered hypnosis. 00:03:39.199 --> 00:03:42.800 And I was like, oh, maybe I should do hypnosis after all. 00:03:42.960 --> 00:03:48.080 So I reached out to my mentor and said, Look, I'm thinking about doing hypnosis. 00:03:48.159 --> 00:03:49.599 I've just done counseling. 00:03:49.759 --> 00:03:52.800 And he said, Yeah, do it and I'll be your mentor. 00:03:52.960 --> 00:03:54.879 So he mentored me for a year. 00:03:55.120 --> 00:04:00.960 I work very differently to him and found myself going back to the counseling. 00:04:01.120 --> 00:04:08.800 I do love hypnosis, I do love what it brings, but I always lean back on the counseling of coming back to the self. 00:04:09.039 --> 00:04:18.160 So that's where the somatic work comes in and the gentle breath work to really help people find the connection back into themselves. 00:04:18.399 --> 00:04:21.759 So that's how I got where I am here today. 00:04:22.000 --> 00:04:22.560 I love that. 00:04:22.639 --> 00:04:27.040 And I really wanted to interject while you were talking because there were so many parallels there for me. 00:04:27.199 --> 00:04:34.560 Um I too, I had a really spiritual mum as well, grew up with like Louise Hay books all around the house. 00:04:35.199 --> 00:04:45.439 And my son suffered from anxiety and still does to a certain extent, but he's who got me on my journey of healing as well. 00:04:45.759 --> 00:04:46.160 Yeah. 00:04:46.319 --> 00:04:48.160 So there's so many parallels. 00:04:48.319 --> 00:04:48.560 Yeah. 00:04:48.800 --> 00:05:01.360 So I I love that story, and I love it's not just talk therapy, it's the somatic and the body work, and especially for your son as well, for a young man to sit there and do talk therapy. 00:05:01.439 --> 00:05:03.360 It's quite confronting. 00:05:03.680 --> 00:05:13.360 So I like that idea of doing hypnotherapy or somatic work to help people through that are uncomfortable with talking about things because often we don't know what they are. 00:05:13.600 --> 00:05:14.079 That's right. 00:05:14.160 --> 00:05:16.560 They didn't, he didn't know what it was. 00:05:16.800 --> 00:05:22.000 He had an incident that happened with him at school and that triggered. 00:05:22.079 --> 00:05:25.279 But I truly believe our children are our biggest teachers. 00:05:25.519 --> 00:05:43.120 So his journey was just an invitation to myself where I could see, and if I really am honest, when I look at what was happening in our lives at that time when his anxiety was living within him very strongly, I was on this lost connection of self. 00:05:43.360 --> 00:05:59.839 My nervous system was so dysregulated, trying to manage three children, trying to go back to work full-time and have a marriage that was very, you know, as much as I loved my husband, it was a time in his life where he was discovering himself. 00:06:00.000 --> 00:06:01.680 And I was like, my. 00:06:02.079 --> 00:06:13.199 So when I see the connection and the parallels between ourselves and our children, that that self-compassion has to be made with a parent to help themselves come back. 00:06:13.360 --> 00:06:22.639 We're all learning, and if we can see our children as invitations, they're mirrors of our behavior and our nervous systems are so connected. 00:06:22.879 --> 00:06:28.800 Can not take responsibility so much, but can we meet that with compassion? 00:06:28.879 --> 00:06:30.879 Can we own a little bit? 00:06:31.439 --> 00:06:48.720 Yeah, because they are, like you said, like mirrors, sponges, they're absorbing everything in their environment and us as our as their primary caregivers, um, yeah, they they understand more of what's going on than we actually think that they do. 00:06:49.040 --> 00:06:49.759 A hundred percent. 00:06:49.920 --> 00:06:53.120 And I'm not saying he would have next recognized that at all. 00:06:53.360 --> 00:07:02.480 And it's only from the work that, you know, we've discovered probably you're the same that we'll I've come up with that conclusion from the work that I've done. 00:07:02.639 --> 00:07:05.759 At the time, I didn't have a clue what was happening. 00:07:06.000 --> 00:07:18.399 That's why I love actually working with kids and their parents, because generally we just as parents learning, and if we can meet ourselves with compassion, the kids then feel safe to be themselves too. 00:07:18.720 --> 00:07:25.279 It's a real I it's just such a beautiful gift that we get to give each other. 00:07:25.920 --> 00:07:41.600 Because when you I know, you know, when you have first have children, it's so true when they when they hit a certain age that perhaps where we have unfinished business from our

childhood or our needs weren't met at particular at a particular stage in our life. 00:07:42.160 --> 00:07:52.720 It can be triggering, and I know triggering is an overused word, but it it can be, it can remind us of something like my daughter becoming a teenager and entering into womanhood. 00:07:52.800 --> 00:07:55.120 That brings up a lot of stuff for me as well. 00:07:55.839 --> 00:08:00.879 So if we're not ready for it, it can be quite a volatile ride, right? 00:08:01.199 --> 00:08:07.360 So it's really good to be curious and patient with ourselves when that comes up. 00:08:07.439 --> 00:08:09.600 I love how you just framed all of that. 00:08:11.120 --> 00:08:12.079 It's so true. 00:08:12.800 --> 00:08:13.199 Yeah. 00:08:13.360 --> 00:08:27.040 And so, how did that experience of with your son and doing this work and working with different people and having the mentor and taking on this counseling business, how did that influence the way you work with people today? 00:08:28.480 --> 00:08:46.639 Curiosity, the word that you used before, and I really feel the more we lean into curiosity, um, lean into self, how do I really thinking about your question? 00:08:47.919 --> 00:08:49.600 I can't remember what you said. 00:08:52.559 --> 00:08:54.559 You're talking to a man of tools of a woman. 00:08:54.720 --> 00:08:55.519 I totally go. 00:08:56.159 --> 00:08:57.039 Same, same. 00:08:57.279 --> 00:09:01.120 How does it all influence the way that you work with people today? 00:09:01.279 --> 00:09:07.519 Just just knowing what you know now, you know, helping your son through that journey of anxiety. 00:09:07.840 --> 00:09:08.159 Yeah. 00:09:08.399 --> 00:09:10.559 Really just meeting each other with compassion. 00:09:10.720 --> 00:09:12.639 It's teaching each other to be human. 00:09:12.879 --> 00:09:20.559 If we can understand ourselves, then we can have that compassion for ourselves, which then flows onto compassion for each other. 00:09:20.720 --> 00:09:26.799 And like you said, having a daughter who's coming a woman and going through her journey as well. 00:09:26.879 --> 00:09:32.480 And we're going through the end of our uh cycle, they're going through the beginning of their cycle. 00:09:32.559 --> 00:09:38.240 I have a 15-year-old daughter as well, and it really does bring up those moments. 00:09:38.320 --> 00:09:40.799 And what was I needing at that time? 00:09:40.960 --> 00:09:45.440 How can I help her feel that sense of if you are moody, that's okay. 00:09:45.600 --> 00:09:51.039 If you are feeling like you're uh not coping, it's not a reflection of me. 00:09:51.120 --> 00:09:52.399 It's what are you needing? 00:09:52.559 --> 00:09:54.240 How can I hold that space for you? 00:09:54.480 --> 00:10:06.480 So when people come in here, I really hope to help them find that center for themselves, to find that sense of what am I needing right now to get that curiosity with self. 00:10:06.720 --> 00:10:08.399 What is this teaching me? 00:10:08.639 --> 00:10:10.159 What is this showing me? 00:10:10.240 --> 00:10:13.120 And how can I meet myself with compassion? 00:10:14.000 --> 00:10:16.720 That's such a great question, isn't it? 00:10:17.440 --> 00:10:35.519 And for those listening, I came across one of your posts about receiving and it just blew my mind because for me, I'm such a giver and I just get off on giving and and but I'm sure it's much deeper than that. 00:10:35.759 --> 00:10:38.559 I'm sure there's a bit of control in there as well. 00:10:39.120 --> 00:10:42.639 Don't want to be vulnerable, though, you know, everything that goes with it. 00:10:42.960 --> 00:10:47.759 So when we talk about receiving, what are we actually talking about, Nicola? 00:10:48.240 --> 00:10:49.600 We're really good at giving. 00:10:49.679 --> 00:10:56.559 And especially us being in the roles that we do, we're really good at giving, but a true giver will also receive. 00:10:56.720 --> 00:10:58.720 And what does it mean to receive? 00:10:59.039 --> 00:11:10.960 Receiving means allowing ourselves to, like you said, be vulnerable, allowing ourselves to receive the compliment when somebody gives us a compliment. 00:11:11.279 --> 00:11:17.440 Um, a lot of the time we're conditioned to be, oh no, no, why would you say that about me? 00:11:17.600 --> 00:11:19.279 Oh no, no, I look terrible. 00:11:19.600 --> 00:11:24.480 Or not not often are we trained to go, oh, thank you. 00:11:24.720 --> 00:11:26.320 That's that's really lovely. 00:11:26.559 --> 00:11:38.320 And we even I was talking to my daughter about receiving the other day, and she said on TikTok and on Instagram, it's very much you don't receive compliments. 00:11:38.480 --> 00:11:39.679 Who does she think she is? 00:11:39.840 --> 00:11:45.039 Look at the audacity, and it's that's getting filtered through the young people. 00:11:45.360 --> 00:11:55.759 So they're even getting that conditioning of uh receiving it's like vanity or or being full of yourself, or if you're accepting of a compliment. 00:11:56.159 --> 00:12:00.799 And sometimes it doesn't feel safe for people to feel that they can receive. 00:12:00.960 --> 00:12:08.879 So it's easier just to block the ability to receive by saying, Oh, I can do this, or you can't do that for me, or I'll get the coffee. 00:12:08.960 --> 00:12:11.200 If somebody asks you, would you like a coffee? 00:12:11.360 --> 00:12:13.039 Uh oh, I'll get the next one then. 00:12:13.200 --> 00:12:14.399 We can't fully receive. 00:12:15.519 --> 00:12:16.639 Yeah, it's terrible. 00:12:16.799 --> 00:12:19.039 And we're all just so guilty of it. 00:12:19.120 --> 00:12:25.919 And like you said, especially as women, as mothers, women of our age, we deflect it. 00:12:26.080 --> 00:12:30.320 We want to minimize it or immediately feel the need to give something back. 00:12:30.559 --> 00:12:30.799 Yeah. 00:12:30.960 --> 00:12:38.080 And a true giver, my mum taught me this one, a true giver will really receive because we know the joy of what

it's like to receive. 00:12:38.159 --> 00:12:43.519 It feels really nice for us to give, but yet we're receiving that back, right? 00:12:43.679 --> 00:12:47.600 So we're open to receive it back when they're when we're giving it. 00:12:47.840 --> 00:12:57.600 But for us to receive it from their giving it, we're actually blocking them from receiving the joy that and everyone misses out on the dopamine hit. 00:12:57.919 --> 00:13:01.600 Misses out, yeah, which is crazy. 00:13:02.080 --> 00:13:04.480 But we're conditioned that way. 00:13:04.720 --> 00:13:13.519 And yeah, so feeling the able to receive, even though we think we're receiving, we we've conditioned ourselves. 00:13:13.679 --> 00:13:21.519 Maybe it wasn't safe, maybe it was um people would let us down, maybe it's showing too much a vulnerability. 00:13:21.600 --> 00:13:25.120 So we just lean back on ourselves because we're the ones we can rely on. 00:13:25.279 --> 00:13:30.000 We're the ones who control, like you said, we feel more in control. 00:13:30.559 --> 00:13:31.519 Yes, I know. 00:13:31.679 --> 00:13:38.559 And that was answering my next question, which was if we've spent years being the capable one, right? 00:13:38.799 --> 00:13:50.720 The one that the giver, the organizer, the doer, the person who doesn't need the help, does that eventually become part of how we create safety? 00:13:51.440 --> 00:13:56.320 Yes, I believe that becomes a pattern, and this is what I look for in people patterns. 00:13:56.399 --> 00:14:06.720 And when we realize what we've created, our survival pattern to protect ourselves from being vulnerable by doing all that we can. 00:14:06.879 --> 00:14:24.320 So we can do this, we can do that, we can it gets so uh exhausting, and it gets to the point where we lose ourselves in the doing that we uh find it really hard then to allow ourselves to receive. 00:14:24.480 --> 00:14:32.720 So we block ourselves and so being open and recognizing, so having the awareness to the pattern. 00:14:32.879 --> 00:14:42.879 Once we have the awareness, we can observe ourselves and we can then notice, like we talked about before we came live, about thank you. 00:14:43.120 --> 00:14:48.480 When we become aware of, oh, there I am again blocking myself from receiving it. 00:14:48.639 --> 00:14:52.000 If I become aware, how can I just sit with that for a moment? 00:14:52.799 --> 00:14:53.279 Thank you. 00:14:53.440 --> 00:14:54.480 I receive that. 00:14:54.720 --> 00:14:55.200 Thank you. 00:14:55.679 --> 00:14:58.639 And nobody else has to know that we're training ourselves. 00:14:58.799 --> 00:15:01.200 But so those patterns can be changed. 00:15:01.360 --> 00:15:05.840 So even though we have a pattern, it's not set in concrete. 00:15:06.000 --> 00:15:08.879 It's always moving and evolving as we're growing. 00:15:09.039 --> 00:15:20.480 So we can create new patterns, new pathways, but it's all starting to gain awareness of where we're blocking ourselves by protecting ourselves from receiving. 00:15:20.639 --> 00:15:29.679 But it's safe to receive if we truly can recognize what our body is doing, recognize where we're blocking ourselves. 00:15:30.000 --> 00:15:39.840 Yeah, because for the listeners listening, right at the beginning before we started recording, you gave me a compliment and I instantly deflected. 00:15:40.000 --> 00:15:43.840 I instantly came up and then I went, Well, this is a podcast about receiving. 00:15:44.000 --> 00:15:45.679 I need to reframe that. 00:15:46.159 --> 00:15:48.799 And then instantly I wanted to give you a compliment back. 00:15:48.879 --> 00:15:49.039 Yeah. 00:15:49.200 --> 00:15:52.320 Like it was so hard to sit in the compliment. 00:15:52.480 --> 00:15:54.240 I found it really challenging. 00:15:54.639 --> 00:15:56.720 Do you see that a lot in your work, Nicola? 00:15:57.039 --> 00:15:58.559 Yeah, I do see that a lot. 00:15:58.720 --> 00:16:00.159 Yeah, it is really common. 00:16:00.639 --> 00:16:08.639 Getting back to why I shared that receive, it was because I created a 30-day challenge actually, really for me. 00:16:08.720 --> 00:16:12.799 Like we said, the work that we've started is coming back to self, really. 00:16:13.039 --> 00:16:15.120 And so I traveled and went away. 00:16:15.200 --> 00:16:24.159 I went to New York, and through that travel, I discovered the people needing people, the hustle, the invisibility. 00:16:24.320 --> 00:16:25.440 I went to see Michael Jackson. 00:16:25.600 --> 00:16:27.039 It's all about the man in the mirror. 00:16:27.200 --> 00:16:30.480 And it made me realize that that man in the mirror is us. 00:16:30.799 --> 00:16:33.600 So how can we truly receive? 00:16:33.840 --> 00:16:37.039 We have to learn to feel safe in our bodies. 00:16:37.279 --> 00:16:50.320 So we have to learn to know what it feels like to be you, to recognize those triggers, to recognize those little moments of, oh, oh, but am I safe? 00:16:50.559 --> 00:16:50.799 Yeah. 00:16:51.200 --> 00:16:53.120 So creating the safety first. 00:16:53.200 --> 00:16:57.519 And then when that self-trust, can I trust myself to receive a little bit? 00:16:58.000 --> 00:17:00.559 Can I allow myself to receive a little bit? 00:17:00.799 --> 00:17:04.880 And then it went into um yeah, receiving. 00:17:05.039 --> 00:17:10.400 So it's it's kind of a build-up of learning a new pattern and a new way of being. 00:17:10.640 --> 00:17:13.839 Can I be okay to receive and still feel safe? 00:17:14.400 --> 00:17:17.759 And be okay if it's not how I want it to be. 00:17:18.000 --> 00:17:19.279 That's the other thing. 00:17:19.759 --> 00:17:22.400 Yes, safety is paramount. 00:17:22.720 --> 00:17:31.119 And also, like you said, I talk about awareness a lot, but it's also the action on the awareness, which we've spoken about in another podcast. 00:17:31.279 --> 00:17:50.799 And so it's understanding those parts of yourself, but then also honoring yourself along the way to give yourself the love, to give yourself that

rest that you need, to give yourself that moment in the afternoon to put your feet up. 00:17:50.960 --> 00:17:51.359 Yeah. 00:17:51.599 --> 00:17:56.319 That's it starts from not just externally in other people, but within ourselves. 00:17:56.640 --> 00:17:58.960 It's really interesting that you say that. 00:17:59.119 --> 00:18:08.720 It's for example, my husband can lay on the lounge quite comfortably and not have any time to the parallel right there. 00:18:10.079 --> 00:18:12.559 Whereas me, I can't sit down like that. 00:18:12.720 --> 00:18:15.279 This thing to be done. 00:18:15.599 --> 00:18:16.400 It's to be done. 00:18:16.880 --> 00:18:21.920 And even just to sit in still, that's why I know that's my medicine. 00:18:22.240 --> 00:18:28.480 To be in a stillness is it may mean having to do a yoga class purely so I stop. 00:18:29.039 --> 00:18:30.880 Purely so I stop doing. 00:18:31.200 --> 00:18:47.680 And another thing that got me on this journey was a another mentor, an incredible um man that I met on social media, said, Anyone want to do a challenge of sitting for five minutes and three times a day, just sit for five minutes, three times a day. 00:18:47.759 --> 00:18:51.759 And I was like, This is maybe about five or six years ago, maybe six years ago. 00:18:51.920 --> 00:18:53.759 And I said, Oh, I'd love to do that. 00:18:54.000 --> 00:18:56.640 And I couldn't find five minutes to sit. 00:18:56.880 --> 00:18:57.759 Yeah, yeah. 00:18:58.000 --> 00:18:58.880 That's really hard. 00:18:58.960 --> 00:19:00.079 I would find that challenging. 00:19:00.400 --> 00:19:01.839 Challenging, because you feel guilty. 00:19:01.920 --> 00:19:02.640 There's things to do. 00:19:02.799 --> 00:19:06.400 We can't, there's possibly how could I sit for five minutes and do nothing? 00:19:06.640 --> 00:19:16.160 So I ended up taking about three days to get into this, and then thought, I'm gonna have to sit in my car where I physically can't do anything, but just sit in a parked car. 00:19:16.720 --> 00:19:20.559 And even to sit in a parked car and not do something. 00:19:20.640 --> 00:19:21.920 So then I did my breath. 00:19:22.079 --> 00:19:24.720 So then I thought, okay, well, I'll sit, but I'm still doing. 00:19:24.880 --> 00:19:31.519 And I think that realizing that being still doesn't mean doing nothing. 00:19:31.680 --> 00:19:33.200 You you still need to breathe. 00:19:33.279 --> 00:19:42.400 So if if that's your only way of finding that moment of rest by just returning to your breath, that's enough too. 00:19:42.640 --> 00:19:46.079 And it's about being fully present, isn't it? 00:19:46.480 --> 00:19:46.799 Yeah. 00:19:47.119 --> 00:20:01.440 So for me, connecting with the breath I find sometimes hard, but being in nature, I find so much easier to sit under the shade of a beautiful big tree and receive that energy from the tree, or notice a little bird going past. 00:20:01.519 --> 00:20:10.559 It's like being fully present without being on your phone, without thinking that you need to get to the grocery store later on to cook dinner and then you have to reply to the school emails. 00:20:10.720 --> 00:20:10.960 Yes. 00:20:11.119 --> 00:20:16.720 It's actually just being still and finding where it is for you. 00:20:16.799 --> 00:20:23.920 Like you said, nature is so beautiful and so much abundance around us if we truly receive that. 00:20:24.079 --> 00:20:29.279 Like yesterday, there was a beautiful butterfly right in front of me, like just fluttering. 00:20:29.440 --> 00:20:35.279 And I was like, oh wow, if I wasn't present, I wouldn't even see that beauty right in front of me. 00:20:35.440 --> 00:20:40.240 And it's slowing down enough to be able to receive even those moments. 00:20:40.480 --> 00:20:40.720 Yeah. 00:20:41.440 --> 00:20:45.440 Yourself to the tree to just be watching the leaves. 00:20:45.599 --> 00:20:47.839 That's that's the presence that you say. 00:20:47.920 --> 00:20:49.680 It's that's receiving too. 00:20:50.000 --> 00:20:50.319 Hmm. 00:20:50.480 --> 00:21:00.319 And I wonder if some of it, Nicola, underneath is perhaps we feel we're undeserving of it. 00:21:01.279 --> 00:21:02.000 Why me? 00:21:02.160 --> 00:21:03.440 Why would I deserve that? 00:21:03.680 --> 00:21:04.400 Well, that's right. 00:21:04.480 --> 00:21:08.160 Even with my husband having the rest, it's so interesting, isn't it? 00:21:08.240 --> 00:21:10.799 Like, I don't think I deserve to be able to lay down. 00:21:11.039 --> 00:21:11.599 Why not? 00:21:11.759 --> 00:21:12.000 Yeah. 00:21:12.240 --> 00:21:33.119 So it is conditioned to what we have, I guess, built a survival pattern within us that felt normal from what our life may have been like, or what we saw our, you know, parents do, or it's learned behavior as well. 00:21:33.359 --> 00:21:41.359 But it it is really about recognizing where these patterns began and are they learnt behaviors. 00:21:41.920 --> 00:21:45.519 And do these patterns often usually start in childhood? 00:21:45.839 --> 00:21:46.319 Yeah. 00:21:46.799 --> 00:21:47.440 Well, they do. 00:21:47.759 --> 00:21:56.079 We're all just an extension of our family in some way, an extension of those in the first seven years of our lives, we're interconnected with our nervous systems. 00:21:56.240 --> 00:21:59.680 We become them until and then we're conditioned. 00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:07.920 And we're told how to behave, we're told how to be, how to, and that's how we feel safe. 00:22:08.160 --> 00:22:13.759 So if we my mum was a real doer, she was always doing things. 00:22:13.839 --> 00:22:20.960 She's still now 75 and running around doing all the time and doesn't still hasn't learned the art of resting. 00:22:21.119 --> 00:22:29.279 It very much begins in childhood, and maybe we as little children asked our parents, it's so interesting, actually. 00:22:29.440 --> 00:22:31.839 You know, we don't have time as parents. 00:22:32.079 --> 00:22:38.400 We're too busy to one of my clients, he's a

beautiful little autistic boy. 00:22:38.480 --> 00:22:39.279 I love him so much. 00:22:39.359 --> 00:22:41.359 And he says, You want to play hide and seek? 00:22:41.839 --> 00:22:46.720 I have the time to play hide and seek because I'm him, so we can play hide and seek. 00:22:46.880 --> 00:22:50.960 And then he says, But my mum doesn't play hide and seek because you're poor. 00:22:51.519 --> 00:22:54.160 She's working, she's trying to do everything. 00:22:54.480 --> 00:22:55.920 She doesn't have the time. 00:22:56.559 --> 00:22:58.960 So yeah, and then so he stops asking. 00:22:59.759 --> 00:23:00.960 Yeah, that's right. 00:23:01.119 --> 00:23:03.200 And then that's our conditioning, and that's our condition. 00:23:03.440 --> 00:23:04.480 And our patterns begin. 00:23:04.960 --> 00:23:05.119 Yeah. 00:23:05.680 --> 00:23:06.000 Yeah. 00:23:06.240 --> 00:23:06.640 Yeah. 00:23:06.880 --> 00:23:12.240 And and you don't get me wrong, this woman is an incredible mother and he's an incredible boy. 00:23:12.400 --> 00:23:16.400 It's just an observation of like, oh, okay, that's where it begins. 00:23:17.039 --> 00:23:27.519 And I know myself having a 22-year-old son and a 20-year-old son and a 15-year-old daughter, but especially when my older son finished school, I was like, have I done enough? 00:23:27.680 --> 00:23:28.720 Was I too distracted? 00:23:28.880 --> 00:23:29.599 Distracted? 00:23:29.759 --> 00:23:33.039 Have I messed him up by not spending enough quality time? 00:23:33.200 --> 00:23:36.880 Was I spending too much time with my daughter and not my, you know? 00:23:37.359 --> 00:23:43.279 So you have all these um things that happen when your kids get older, like, have I done enough? 00:23:43.359 --> 00:23:44.319 Well, I did anyway. 00:23:45.359 --> 00:23:46.480 Exactly the same. 00:23:47.119 --> 00:23:52.559 And then overgiving and overdoing it comes at a cost as a mum, right? 00:23:52.640 --> 00:23:59.440 And so I think because I had a mum that was not, she had some mental health issues, so she wasn't, she was there but not there. 00:23:59.680 --> 00:24:05.119 And so I spent a lot of time on my own and she would never play and she needed her downtime. 00:24:05.279 --> 00:24:08.400 And so for me, then I overcompensate as a mum. 00:24:08.559 --> 00:24:23.200 Yes, like, yeah, yeah, sure, let's kick the footy, sure, let's go play, like you put leaves in the gutters and watch how far down the street they go, and let you know, it was just constantly active and doing, but I think that came at a cost for me as well. 00:24:23.440 --> 00:24:25.200 100% exhaustion. 00:24:25.759 --> 00:24:26.160 Yeah. 00:24:26.400 --> 00:24:35.359 I know I was the same, a mum who tried to do whatever I could do to be present in the times that I was, but too much again. 00:24:35.680 --> 00:24:42.720 So I didn't teach my children to uh do I was doing for them. 00:24:42.880 --> 00:24:51.839 And I see now how I was actually taking that away from them as well to be able to receive the recognition of what it feels like to make your bed every day. 00:24:52.480 --> 00:25:09.119 Because the mum who had to make the bed, had to get the lunches packed, had to do everything, do, do, do, but never gave them the gift of what it is to receive that joy for themselves of the accomplishment without realizing again that's receiving, but also taking it away. 00:25:09.200 --> 00:25:19.519 Because I received the accolade for having a nice clean house and then you know, kids that went off to school neat and tidy, but they didn't get those little micro minutes of joy themselves. 00:25:19.680 --> 00:25:25.039 And and I say that again, mother guilt. 00:25:25.279 --> 00:25:27.759 We all feel, did we do enough? 00:25:28.880 --> 00:25:32.240 Like can we even receive that the kids are amazing? 00:25:32.400 --> 00:25:34.000 No, but I could have done more. 00:25:34.160 --> 00:25:35.200 Isn't it interesting? 00:25:35.440 --> 00:25:36.640 Yeah, I know. 00:25:36.799 --> 00:25:39.119 Gosh, we are hard on ourselves, aren't we? 00:25:39.279 --> 00:25:42.000 Yeah, we are hard on ourselves. 00:25:42.400 --> 00:25:53.200 And if our needs weren't consistently met when we were children, or we learned very early to be independent, how how might that show up later on in life as well? 00:25:54.160 --> 00:25:57.200 Well, independence can be a really wonderful thing too. 00:25:57.440 --> 00:25:59.359 So, you know, that's a great quality. 00:25:59.440 --> 00:26:06.160 We do want to depend on ourselves and be independent and not rely on everyone to be there for us, but it gets exhausting. 00:26:06.400 --> 00:26:06.720 Yeah. 00:26:07.039 --> 00:26:08.880 And then that gets burnt out. 00:26:09.119 --> 00:26:19.920 We become dysregulated, we become unhappy, we become lost in the matrix of life and disconnected from self. 00:26:20.400 --> 00:26:28.799 So I believe the whole journey is to come back to self, to find your way home in whatever way that looks like. 00:26:29.119 --> 00:26:44.559 So maybe it is being a little bit vulnerable and asking for help, and maybe it is the way in which we ask for help, because sometimes the way we ask can change the way a person will receive it. 00:26:46.240 --> 00:26:52.640 And but I do believe that that comes from again learning, having the awareness. 00:26:52.880 --> 00:26:56.240 Uh maybe it does come to breaking point for a lot of us. 00:26:56.400 --> 00:27:02.960 Maybe it isn't easy, but there's a lot of incredible qualities about being independent women and people. 00:27:03.440 --> 00:27:23.279 And when we can actually ask for that help and it's received beautifully, that's when it becomes um interdependence, where we both work together beautifully and we're both getting our needs met, which is going to be a healthy relationship with the people that mean the most around us. 00:27:23.759 --> 00:27:24.960 And I love that. 00:27:25.200 --> 00:27:35.359 I was thinking I moved out of home at 16 at quite a young age, and I never

put my hand out once to my family for money, and I found it incredibly challenging and hard. 00:27:35.519 --> 00:27:38.640 I mean, I look back just thinking at the time I was all over it. 00:27:38.880 --> 00:28:14.480 But now, as a grown-up, I look back at the young 16-year-old me that's one year older than my daughter now, and I was, I just think, wow, but I was so fiercely independent, and I think I built up quite a tough outer shell and almost wore that independence as a badge of honor that how amazing I was, and didn't really trust people to look after me from my own experiences of perhaps not being looked after or having my needs neglected in some way. 00:28:14.720 --> 00:28:19.200 So yeah, that independence can come at a fierce cost. 00:28:19.279 --> 00:28:24.400 But I think along the way, we probably stop recognizing our own needs. 00:28:24.640 --> 00:28:25.279 Yeah. 00:28:25.680 --> 00:28:26.400 That armor. 00:28:26.720 --> 00:28:32.000 That's why I created the softening because we have this interior armor around us. 00:28:32.880 --> 00:28:39.200 Uh because we are the strong one, we can do everything, we don't need the help. 00:28:39.279 --> 00:28:41.599 But actually, humans need humans. 00:28:42.000 --> 00:28:43.920 Like we need each other. 00:28:44.319 --> 00:28:55.279 And I truly believe that if we soften just that little bit to allow ourselves to lean into each other to ask for that support. 00:28:55.359 --> 00:28:58.079 It doesn't make us weak, it actually makes us strong. 00:28:58.319 --> 00:29:00.480 It actually makes us even stronger. 00:29:00.720 --> 00:29:02.559 Or that journey has made you you. 00:29:02.640 --> 00:29:04.240 And look how amazing you are. 00:29:04.480 --> 00:29:13.759 So we go through these lives and we have this, you know, your path was that of incredible strength, incredible courage. 00:29:13.920 --> 00:29:19.119 I mean, I can't imagine our daughters moving out in one year's time, but you did that. 00:29:19.359 --> 00:29:28.400 And now you're you, an incredible mum with an incredible business, and you know, doing wonderful things in the world by sharing your story. 00:29:28.640 --> 00:29:36.000 So you have learned the art of softening to, you know, because it's extremely vulnerable what you're doing. 00:29:36.480 --> 00:29:36.880 Yeah. 00:29:37.200 --> 00:29:37.839 Thank you. 00:29:38.079 --> 00:29:38.799 Yeah, thank you. 00:29:39.440 --> 00:29:39.920 Beautiful. 00:29:40.319 --> 00:29:43.519 Just let that land for a minute without deflecting. 00:29:49.519 --> 00:29:51.279 But it's true, yeah. 00:29:51.440 --> 00:29:57.440 We are very much um our own worst enemies in some way. 00:29:58.240 --> 00:30:07.200 Which is why I think stories and connections like this is really important as women, because we do pride ourselves on doing it all. 00:30:07.279 --> 00:30:08.720 It's like, oh my God, look at her. 00:30:08.799 --> 00:30:10.880 She's just doing it all, she's amazing. 00:30:11.839 --> 00:30:17.039 How can she look that good when she's like going to the gym, she's working hard, and then she's doing this, doing that. 00:30:17.200 --> 00:30:17.680 Oh my god. 00:30:17.759 --> 00:30:24.000 So, you know, we kind of instead of there's nothing better than somebody saying, Are you okay? 00:30:24.160 --> 00:30:26.240 Just let's go and have a cup of tea. 00:30:26.400 --> 00:30:27.279 What do you need? 00:30:27.519 --> 00:30:29.440 Tell me what you need right now. 00:30:29.759 --> 00:30:34.480 I mean, isn't that just amazing hearing someone say that to you? 00:30:34.720 --> 00:30:34.960 Yeah. 00:30:35.200 --> 00:30:40.480 Gives me Yeah, we don't do it for each other often. 00:30:41.359 --> 00:30:45.119 And especially those that are, like you said, doing it all. 00:30:45.279 --> 00:30:46.319 They don't need any help. 00:30:46.400 --> 00:30:47.279 They've got it all together. 00:30:47.359 --> 00:30:47.839 They're fine. 00:30:48.079 --> 00:30:48.319 Yes. 00:30:48.480 --> 00:30:49.920 But the ones that need it. 00:30:50.079 --> 00:30:51.599 Yeah, the ones that need it the most. 00:30:51.759 --> 00:30:52.079 Yeah. 00:30:53.119 --> 00:30:54.640 The ones that have it together. 00:30:54.880 --> 00:30:55.279 Yeah. 00:30:55.519 --> 00:30:56.319 Yeah, exactly. 00:30:56.400 --> 00:30:58.640 It's all the masks that we wear. 00:30:58.799 --> 00:31:04.400 And it's allowing ourselves to feel safe enough to go, oh, I can I can land here. 00:31:04.559 --> 00:31:07.119 Like even you said before, just allowing that to land. 00:31:07.359 --> 00:31:08.559 Oh, yeah. 00:31:08.960 --> 00:31:16.640 Having those women need women and the connection of like she's got it all together, isn't that wonderful? 00:31:16.960 --> 00:31:24.720 But you know, rather than looking at it through the eyes of judgment and jealousy, look at it through curiosity and wonder. 00:31:24.880 --> 00:31:32.640 Like, wow, like really, maybe we can all learn from each other, support one, and be there for one another. 00:31:32.880 --> 00:31:34.559 I think we need that now. 00:31:34.880 --> 00:31:35.680 Me too. 00:31:35.839 --> 00:31:36.799 I love that. 00:31:37.359 --> 00:31:40.559 Nicola, we always hear the word survival mode. 00:31:40.720 --> 00:31:43.680 It seems to be part of our world right now. 00:31:43.920 --> 00:31:47.920 What does living in survival mode mean from your perspective? 00:31:48.640 --> 00:31:55.519 From my perspective, it's doing, doing, doing, doing, doing, doing, surviving, surviving, getting through life in autopilot. 00:31:56.160 --> 00:31:58.079 I would think it's in autopilot. 00:31:58.400 --> 00:32:04.400 Where we're just existing, uh, just surviving and just treading water. 00:32:04.559 --> 00:32:05.920 So maybe like a duck. 00:32:06.079 --> 00:32:14.319 So on the surface, we look like we've got it all together, going to the gym, got a successful business, doing all of that, but we're literally just surviving. 00:32:14.480 --> 00:32:18.400 And that's okay, because it's a it's all part of

the journey. 00:32:18.559 --> 00:32:25.279 But if we're in there for too long, it can really cause us long-term effects. 00:32:25.519 --> 00:32:38.960 We can get um illnesses, diseases in the body, we can create depression or anxiety or all these things come from just hoping. 00:32:39.119 --> 00:32:49.839 But what if we again soften just that little bit and have awareness to I didn't realize that I was living in survival, I was just doing, doing, doing, masking, masking. 00:32:49.920 --> 00:32:50.240 I'm fine. 00:32:50.400 --> 00:32:50.880 Yes, I'm fine. 00:32:51.920 --> 00:32:52.400 Great, great. 00:32:54.240 --> 00:32:55.279 I'm doing great. 00:32:55.440 --> 00:32:58.559 But inside, oh my gosh, I was numb actually. 00:32:58.960 --> 00:33:02.880 So to me, surviving my personal journey was numb. 00:33:03.279 --> 00:33:03.839 Yeah. 00:33:04.079 --> 00:33:06.880 I know you've worked with kinesiology before. 00:33:07.039 --> 00:33:20.079 I actually love kinesiology, and uh I went one of my girlfriends was studying, and I was fortunate enough to be one of her uh test people, and I opened to anything. 00:33:20.160 --> 00:33:22.559 This was years ago, and I'm like, yeah, okay, I'll give it a go. 00:33:22.720 --> 00:33:23.039 Great. 00:33:23.119 --> 00:33:31.440 Yeah, and then that's when it became clear to me that I was living in survival and completely I'm good. 00:33:31.599 --> 00:33:32.400 Yeah, I'm good. 00:33:32.640 --> 00:33:35.359 Numb to know what it felt like to be in my body. 00:33:35.440 --> 00:33:42.319 I had almost disassociated to self and was just wearing this earth suit, but there was nothing inside. 00:33:42.720 --> 00:33:45.279 Yeah, I can so relate to that. 00:33:45.759 --> 00:33:51.119 A complete disconnection is how I I believe the survival showed up within me personally. 00:33:51.519 --> 00:34:02.640 Yeah, and if I that just reminded me because when I got to therapy with my son and did all like two to three years of therapy, and it was hands down the best thing I ever did. 00:34:02.960 --> 00:34:05.039 And then I was like, Yeah, I've done it, like I'm amazing. 00:34:05.200 --> 00:34:07.839 Like tick that one, tick that, move on. 00:34:08.639 --> 00:34:12.400 And then it was like, why is this stuff keep coming up again a few years later? 00:34:12.639 --> 00:34:14.320 Because it's never done. 00:34:14.639 --> 00:34:21.679 And what I love, like I loved doing the talk therapy with the right person, that helped me at the time. 00:34:22.079 --> 00:34:27.280 But now, as I'm getting older, I'm really understanding that mind-body connection. 00:34:27.760 --> 00:34:31.679 So it's only so much we do share in therapy, right? 00:34:32.000 --> 00:34:35.360 There's we're not going to fully expose ourselves. 00:34:35.519 --> 00:34:38.159 And I think the rest does stay in the body. 00:34:38.239 --> 00:34:40.400 So talk to me about somatic work. 00:34:41.119 --> 00:34:47.920 How, like for people that don't understand it or dismiss it as woo-woo, how you're a counsellor and you're a somatic practitioner. 00:34:48.000 --> 00:34:49.840 So, how do you combine the two? 00:34:50.079 --> 00:34:50.480 Yeah. 00:34:50.719 --> 00:34:53.280 I I believe it's the bottom-up approach. 00:34:53.519 --> 00:34:55.280 So somatic is the bottom-up. 00:34:55.440 --> 00:35:02.480 We live so much in the minds, and there's like you said, there's only so much talk therapy can do, and it's what are we feeling? 00:35:02.639 --> 00:35:04.559 That's where everything lives. 00:35:04.639 --> 00:35:21.599 So feeling and not trying to fix it, just being with the sensations, because when we can create that safety within ourselves with just being with what is, and I I really like to use the metaphor of the bear hunt. 00:35:21.760 --> 00:35:25.679 So you can't, I don't know if you've heard of the book, you know, we're going on a bear hunt. 00:35:25.760 --> 00:35:27.760 You can't go over it, you can't go under it. 00:35:27.840 --> 00:35:29.760 You literally have to just go through it. 00:35:29.920 --> 00:35:34.480 So, with the somatic, is just noticing what it feels like to be in your body. 00:35:34.719 --> 00:35:38.079 When somebody's really numb, that can be really hard. 00:35:38.239 --> 00:35:42.079 So just noticing even your breath, that's something that we always have. 00:35:42.239 --> 00:35:44.079 So I love to work with the body. 00:35:44.239 --> 00:35:46.800 We hold a lot of tension, a lot of emotion in the body. 00:35:46.880 --> 00:35:51.760 But if we just move it with our breath and just be with it, little micro moments. 00:35:51.840 --> 00:35:53.440 This could be huge for some people. 00:35:53.519 --> 00:35:55.760 So you just have to sit with what is. 00:35:56.159 --> 00:36:11.920 And so for me, out of the mind, into the body, really connecting with sensations, noticing them, being with them, moving through them is a really powerful way of just reconnecting, just to defrost a part of yourself. 00:36:12.000 --> 00:36:13.039 And it isn't easy. 00:36:13.119 --> 00:36:21.679 And I remember the very first time that I got into my body, into when I was learning all about somatics, I did want to run away. 00:36:21.760 --> 00:36:26.639 And there was people in my training who actually did have to leave and did have to run away. 00:36:26.719 --> 00:36:42.000 And it is so important that you have a practitioner that helps you at the pace that you need and to be with what is in front of us and to be held in whatever shows up and having that again, self-awareness. 00:36:42.239 --> 00:36:45.360 Only they, the person, can feel what feels safe. 00:36:45.599 --> 00:36:48.960 As a practitioner, I don't know what feels safe in their body. 00:36:49.119 --> 00:36:59.840 So it's so important that we're attuned with what the person is needing and recognizing within themselves what are they needing to orientate if I'm feeling unsafe? 00:37:00.000 --> 00:37:01.119 Can you look around? 00:37:01.360 --> 00:37:04.880 What are you needing right

now to feel that safety again? 00:37:05.280 --> 00:37:06.960 To come back into the room. 00:37:07.199 --> 00:37:09.039 Are you needing to hear sound? 00:37:09.280 --> 00:37:09.679 Yeah. 00:37:09.840 --> 00:37:23.679 So I also believe that there's things that we need, which are touch and that self-touch, just whatever form it can be with a person, your child, your dog, your animal, feeling that sense of touch. 00:37:23.840 --> 00:37:35.599 Sound is really important, whether it means you do a vibrational harm, whether you put on some music, uh, movements, really powerful, somatically moving things out of your body. 00:37:35.760 --> 00:37:39.679 What if you let your body just move with the sensation that you're feeling? 00:37:39.920 --> 00:37:40.719 There's four of them. 00:37:40.800 --> 00:37:41.519 There's sound. 00:37:41.679 --> 00:37:43.840 I think I I learned this from somebody else. 00:37:43.920 --> 00:37:46.559 I heard it and I was like, oh my gosh, that is so the medicine. 00:37:46.639 --> 00:37:55.280 It may have been a conversation that you had, but I believe that there is those four things: sound, touch, uh, breath, and movement. 00:37:55.679 --> 00:37:56.000 Yeah. 00:37:56.159 --> 00:37:57.119 It's feel, yeah. 00:37:57.280 --> 00:37:58.000 Sound, breath. 00:37:58.320 --> 00:37:58.559 Yeah. 00:37:58.800 --> 00:37:59.039 Yeah. 00:37:59.119 --> 00:38:00.639 It's all it's so true. 00:38:00.800 --> 00:38:08.639 And since I started learning about the nervous system as well, and just even doing things like just like rubbing your hands together. 00:38:08.800 --> 00:38:17.760 I remember I listened to a meditation of just actually taking the time to rub your hands together, like you're washing your hands with soap, but you're not. 00:38:17.840 --> 00:38:20.320 You're just doing little things like that. 00:38:20.480 --> 00:38:23.840 It's like, whoa, that is powerful stuff. 00:38:24.000 --> 00:38:25.840 So simple. 00:38:26.239 --> 00:38:26.960 So simple. 00:38:27.039 --> 00:38:31.440 And the brain doesn't know who's touching it, but it's feeling that safety. 00:38:31.519 --> 00:38:37.199 It doesn't matter whose hands there are, but the brain is recognizing, okay, I'm safe now. 00:38:37.519 --> 00:38:47.840 Yeah, it's creating those little micro moments of receiving and allowing the body to slowly receive safety and find that anchoring safety again. 00:38:49.360 --> 00:38:50.400 Yeah, I love that. 00:38:50.559 --> 00:38:53.360 And and like you said, breath is a really powerful way. 00:38:53.440 --> 00:39:08.639 And also when you do a body scan and you I know for me, whenever I hear a meditation tutorial that I'm listening to, and they say and release a jaw, and I'm like, oh my gosh, like I don't realize how much I clench my jaw. 00:39:08.880 --> 00:39:13.360 Because then when you actually release it and let go, you really notice the difference. 00:39:13.840 --> 00:39:14.960 So true. 00:39:16.639 --> 00:39:21.840 So there are so many people, particularly women, who say, But I love giving. 00:39:22.159 --> 00:39:24.639 And I know there's nothing wrong with that. 00:39:24.880 --> 00:39:38.320 But how do we recognize when giving is coming from a healthy place versus giving because being needed has become part of our identity or self-worth? 00:39:38.960 --> 00:39:45.280 So interesting you say that, because that is something that I have struggled with. 00:39:45.679 --> 00:39:52.079 The need to be needed is definitely something that I didn't recognize that I had as well. 00:39:52.239 --> 00:39:59.679 And in my children, uh again, not um they're our teachers, right? 00:39:59.920 --> 00:40:03.760 And we can recognize how I needed to be needed. 00:40:04.079 --> 00:40:15.199 So for me to feel safe, loved, whatever programs I had within that by giving made me feel loved. 00:40:15.440 --> 00:40:23.440 But yeah, I wasn't able to um distinguish the difference between those two things. 00:40:23.519 --> 00:40:24.960 And I had to really work with that. 00:40:25.039 --> 00:40:31.599 And even working with clients, I've had to work with allowing them to come to continue to come to me. 00:40:31.760 --> 00:40:36.880 It's a really interesting concept of like, hang on a minute. 00:40:37.199 --> 00:40:41.840 Oh, ooh, it's something I continue to work with that need. 00:40:42.400 --> 00:41:03.039 So fully giving all the time and being needed and allowing them to spread their wings and fly in many uh ways is what I had to do with my children, but not releasing in my clients, I want to cut their wings, off you go, but not really realizing we actually all they still need the work. 00:41:03.519 --> 00:41:05.679 Yeah, we're always unfolding. 00:41:06.000 --> 00:41:14.239 And it's okay for me to be needed in the it's okay for me to be the lighthouse without them needing for me to drive it. 00:41:14.480 --> 00:41:23.039 I can be that piller, and I guess it's recognizing within ourselves our own reaction to things. 00:41:23.280 --> 00:41:25.519 Is this me or is this them? 00:41:26.000 --> 00:41:29.679 Is this me needing this or is this them needing this? 00:41:29.840 --> 00:41:32.480 So again, that comes to our awareness. 00:41:32.639 --> 00:41:34.400 What am I feeling when I'm giving? 00:41:34.559 --> 00:41:40.719 Am I giving this because I need this or am I giving it because they need this? 00:41:40.880 --> 00:41:44.559 And can I allow myself to receive as well from that? 00:41:44.719 --> 00:41:48.559 If they say no, can I be okay with the no? 00:41:49.920 --> 00:41:51.440 Yeah, I love that. 00:41:51.599 --> 00:41:57.760 And you and you and I talk about self-awareness, like it's it's like it's second nature, right? 00:41:58.079 --> 00:42:04.719 But for some people, it's it's hard to go there and even question themselves in that way. 00:42:04.880 --> 00:42:14.880 So, how for people listening where this is foreign talk, what would be a couple of small steps to change to help them on their journey? 00:42:15.119 -->

00:42:17.679 I guess just to recognize themselves. 00:42:17.920 --> 00:42:19.519 Like, what's coming up for you? 00:42:19.679 --> 00:42:21.760 What are you feeling inside? 00:42:21.920 --> 00:42:28.480 Like, I know again, this can be foreign because I've been those people at the beginning of the journey. 00:42:28.639 --> 00:42:33.840 So just taking those micro moments to recognize yourself. 00:42:34.000 --> 00:42:35.360 Like, what am I feeling? 00:42:35.440 --> 00:42:38.239 Like, I quite often, it's a daily task of mine. 00:42:38.400 --> 00:42:40.000 What am I needing right now? 00:42:40.320 --> 00:42:44.480 Am I needing just to be by myself for a moment? 00:42:44.639 --> 00:42:46.639 Am I coffee? 00:42:46.880 --> 00:42:48.559 Am I needing to call a friend? 00:42:48.880 --> 00:42:50.400 Am I needing to put on some music? 00:42:50.480 --> 00:42:53.199 Like, start with curiosity with self, I think. 00:42:53.360 --> 00:42:56.880 The whole thing is really getting curious with yourself. 00:42:57.039 --> 00:43:03.519 So coming back to yeah, recognizing I love giving, like you said, it feels really nice. 00:43:03.679 --> 00:43:06.239 But what am I what am I getting out of this? 00:43:06.400 --> 00:43:08.079 What's the payoff of this? 00:43:08.400 --> 00:43:16.719 So when someone's first starting out, I guess, like we said, we live with curiosity ourselves, and how do they begin this journey of awareness? 00:43:17.039 --> 00:43:23.760 I'd start with just getting curious with even in the morning when I wake up, getting curious with myself or themselves. 00:43:23.840 --> 00:43:25.679 Like, what are they needing right now? 00:43:26.239 --> 00:43:29.119 What if they don't know what they're needing? 00:43:29.199 --> 00:43:30.639 And that's okay too. 00:43:30.960 --> 00:43:34.880 To get in you with the curiosity without an outcome. 00:43:35.039 --> 00:43:36.880 Just see what comes up. 00:43:37.360 --> 00:43:50.880 And I especially like doing that type of work when I'm, you know, fired up or I'm reactive and something's going on because it's just so easy to blame the other person when you're in a rage, right? 00:43:51.199 --> 00:43:55.280 It's just so easy just to flick it over to someone else. 00:43:55.440 --> 00:43:59.360 But that's when I realize how frustrated I'm getting with something. 00:44:00.000 --> 00:44:01.599 I'm like, okay, back it up. 00:44:01.840 --> 00:44:03.360 What's really going on here? 00:44:03.519 --> 00:44:05.519 What's going on with me? 00:44:05.679 --> 00:44:07.199 What's my part in this? 00:44:07.440 --> 00:44:07.599 Yeah. 00:44:07.760 --> 00:44:11.360 It's so easy to blame them for what's going on, but what's happening here with me? 00:44:11.519 --> 00:44:12.719 And it's really interesting. 00:44:12.800 --> 00:44:16.159 And most of the time I don't like it because it's confronting. 00:44:16.400 --> 00:44:16.480 Yeah. 00:44:16.719 --> 00:44:19.760 And I can see that I'm playing a part in it as well. 00:44:20.639 --> 00:44:20.960 100%.

00:44:21.440 --> 00:44:23.679 But that's standing back in your power, right? 00:44:24.239 --> 00:44:31.360 So that's recognizing, okay, because we're the victims when we're blaming, but when we come back into our power. 00:44:31.440 --> 00:44:32.800 So my mum taught me this. 00:44:32.960 --> 00:44:38.480 This isn't through my counseling, but like your fingers, one finger out, three fingers back. 00:44:38.639 --> 00:44:39.920 Where's my part in this? 00:44:40.079 --> 00:44:41.199 Like you said before. 00:44:41.440 --> 00:44:43.840 Yes, I'm feeling angry, but why? 00:44:44.000 --> 00:44:45.360 What's happening within me? 00:44:45.440 --> 00:44:50.239 Because now that anger lives within me, and my body gets even more dysregulated. 00:44:50.400 --> 00:44:53.119 I'm reactive, I'm suffering. 00:44:53.440 --> 00:44:58.480 And I may walk away from the argument that lives in my body, not them. 00:44:58.559 --> 00:45:01.440 They've walked away thinking nothing's happened, they're all good. 00:45:01.599 --> 00:45:04.800 And that anger and that resentment lives in me then. 00:45:05.119 --> 00:45:09.679 And then how can I release how can I release that from my body? 00:45:10.079 --> 00:45:13.599 So and your mom sounds really cool. 00:45:17.360 --> 00:45:18.880 She is pretty cool. 00:45:19.039 --> 00:45:20.639 Yeah, it's interesting. 00:45:21.280 --> 00:45:22.480 Yeah, I love that. 00:45:22.559 --> 00:45:24.400 The fingers three back at you. 00:45:24.480 --> 00:45:24.800 Yeah. 00:45:24.960 --> 00:45:25.199 Yeah. 00:45:25.679 --> 00:45:27.039 And so I'm very conscious. 00:45:27.199 --> 00:45:35.199 So that, you know, if that helps anybody to fingers up, okay, where am I with my part in this? 00:45:35.280 --> 00:45:38.480 And when we take part, we're actually then in the power seat. 00:45:38.719 --> 00:45:40.480 We're then standing back in our power. 00:45:40.559 --> 00:45:43.679 Then we have the moment to like stimulus response. 00:45:43.840 --> 00:45:45.920 There's a moment in between that's the pause. 00:45:46.159 --> 00:45:54.400 But if we then pause, notice what can we do to be back into our center, into our power, then we get to choose. 00:45:54.639 --> 00:45:59.440 So it's noticing, pausing, recognizing, and then reacting. 00:45:59.840 --> 00:46:06.159 And especially with the people pleasers out there, and I know I'm one of them, and I think a lot of my friends are as well. 00:46:06.239 --> 00:46:08.079 I think you like attracts like, right? 00:46:08.239 --> 00:46:09.199 Yeah, absolutely. 00:46:09.599 --> 00:46:32.079 But you uh sometimes you can get really frustrated because you've pleased people so much, and then even though you don't think you're putting an expectation on pleasing people, there's a part of it that can build into resentment because you're pissed off that you're not getting back what you've put out or not acknowledged, you know. 00:46:32.400 --> 00:46:42.000 So sometimes I think the people pleasing can be a little bit um perhaps manipulative or about control as well. 00:46:42.480 --> 00:46:43.119 Yeah. 00:46:43.440 --> 00:46:47.039 But if you're protecting yourself, right? 00:46:47.199 --> 00:46:49.840 How can someone really give to you anyway? 00:46:50.719 --> 00:46:57.760 Because you've put the armor up, but haven't created space for them to even give that to you. 00:47:01.599 --> 00:47:03.440 Just let that one sit for a minute. 00:47:04.880 --> 00:47:05.519 Yeah. 00:47:06.719 --> 00:47:11.760 So what does a healthy balance between giving and receiving feel like? 00:47:12.159 --> 00:47:13.039 Centered. 00:47:16.079 --> 00:47:23.599 Whatever normal is for you, it just feels balanced, equilibrium in the body. 00:47:23.679 --> 00:47:27.519 It feels it just feels right. 00:47:30.719 --> 00:47:36.639 It doesn't feel like you're needing anything, just it just feels right. 00:47:37.840 --> 00:47:45.280 So something we talk about a lot on inside out connections is listening to what the body is trying to communicate. 00:47:45.679 --> 00:47:51.119 So what might receiving feel like in the body when it doesn't yet feel safe? 00:47:51.920 --> 00:47:53.599 Oh, okay, yeah. 00:47:53.760 --> 00:48:05.360 Well, everybody may react differently to that, but it's a like a block, like a big ugly sense of almost tight. 00:48:05.519 --> 00:48:26.320 It might feel tight in your body, it might feel like you can't breathe, it might feel like unsafe for people, it might it might feel different to everybody, it might feel relief for some people, it might feel shock for some people because they would never have been able to receive before. 00:48:26.480 --> 00:48:28.880 And it's letting yourself pause in that moment. 00:48:29.039 --> 00:48:30.480 So that's the stimulus, right? 00:48:30.639 --> 00:48:32.880 That's the somebody going to give something to you. 00:48:32.960 --> 00:48:40.079 And in that moment, can you then just recognize the sensation that's showing up in your body in whatever form that is for you? 00:48:40.320 --> 00:48:58.079 And just being with that for a moment, observing it for a moment in however capacity it is in your body, opening yourself up to allowing the capacity to receive and then accepting it, but allowing yourself to just be okay. 00:48:58.239 --> 00:49:05.440 I am safe, reminding yourself I'm safe to receive, even if it's not exactly the way that I want it to be. 00:49:05.599 --> 00:49:08.079 Can I allow myself to receive this? 00:49:08.159 --> 00:49:11.599 And then the shoulders drop, the body centers again. 00:49:11.760 --> 00:49:15.920 You've allowed space in your body to then receive. 00:49:17.599 --> 00:49:26.000 How important is the somatic influence in conjunction with doing therapy, would you say? 00:49:26.320 --> 00:49:30.719 Personally, I think it is like really, really important to me. 00:49:30.880 --> 00:49:36.960 It's like that's why I feel under my own umbrella. 00:49:37.119 --> 00:49:39.519 I I feel like I couldn't just be a counselor. 00:49:39.920 -->

00:49:47.360 I felt for myself for what I needed was a little bit of everything and a little bit of the things that worked for me. 00:49:47.519 --> 00:49:57.440 So for me, somatic is connecting with your nervous system, connecting with your body, connecting with your thoughts, create your emotions. 00:49:57.599 --> 00:50:01.280 Your emotions create your action, and your action creates your reality. 00:50:01.519 --> 00:50:06.559 So for me, it's all of those things mind, body, and soul. 00:50:06.800 --> 00:50:12.639 So I believe it's really important to connect back to yourself out of the mind into your heart. 00:50:13.280 --> 00:50:16.320 And then what I'm getting is expression as well. 00:50:16.719 --> 00:50:24.480 Being able to express that through, I had a visual of like you, you were doing the swaying before and the movement, right? 00:50:24.559 --> 00:50:29.519 Like we're just releasing the energy that's stored in there or the feelings that are stored. 00:50:29.599 --> 00:50:42.480 It's not because often we're freeze and we're rigid when we're scared or don't want to speak or feel trapped, but it's being able to to release that in a safe way, right? 00:50:42.800 --> 00:50:43.840 It's so true. 00:50:43.920 --> 00:50:44.320 It is. 00:50:44.480 --> 00:51:00.079 It's it's releasing it from in the body through somatic, through movement, through any way that feels like you've you're freeing up capacity in the body, you're freeing up space, you're allowing it to release in some ways, yeah. 00:51:00.400 --> 00:51:08.320 To allow yourself to receive, move through things, more space. 00:51:09.119 --> 00:51:10.239 I love that. 00:51:12.159 --> 00:51:37.039 So, what becomes possible in our lives, Nicola, and relationships when we finally feel safe enough to receive that joy, play, bliss, peace, acceptance, love is just at the center of it, right? 00:51:37.440 --> 00:51:38.000 Yeah. 00:51:39.199 --> 00:51:41.760 Love for ourselves and for everyone else. 00:51:42.159 --> 00:51:42.559 Mm-hmm. 00:51:42.880 --> 00:51:44.159 It's so beautiful. 00:51:45.679 --> 00:51:47.840 And again, it's not really difficult though, is it? 00:51:48.000 --> 00:51:55.119 That it's not really that's why your voice is so powerful and the people that you speak to and the things that you're sharing. 00:51:55.440 --> 00:52:04.639 You're helping people learn how with different ways and different places to come back to different practices. 00:52:04.880 --> 00:52:09.679 And teach and teaching our kids that there's a lot happening in the news at the moment. 00:52:09.840 --> 00:52:27.360 I don't know if you've been watching what's happening in Sydney, but lots of things have been coming up and unsavory behavior from school-aged children and and things going on, and and I, you know, one thing that got me, I've always taught my kids kindness. 00:52:27.840 --> 00:52:35.519 And I know that some people might look as kindness as a form of weakness, perhaps, or vulnerability. 00:52:35.679 --> 00:52:41.039 Don't show yourself to be too kind, be tough, you get more respect, uh, whatever language that would be. 00:52:41.119 --> 00:52:47.199 And I remember my son was playing sport against another school when he was very little, he would have been year three. 00:52:47.599 --> 00:53:06.559 And I remember overhearing a father say something along the lines of if you let those effing little such and such school um effing Fs, I don't even want to say the word, um, beat you, then don't bother effing coming home. 00:53:06.639 --> 00:53:10.159 And I remember hearing the father speak to his son like that. 00:53:10.400 --> 00:53:11.760 And I know that's rife. 00:53:11.840 --> 00:53:15.119 And I find it hard to believe because I'm not that type of parent. 00:53:15.360 --> 00:53:15.599 Yeah. 00:53:15.840 --> 00:53:23.519 And it really saddens me when you're doing you and I and certain parents and people in the world where we're trying to raise good people. 00:53:23.920 --> 00:53:24.559 Yeah. 00:53:25.119 --> 00:53:29.599 And then you witness things like this and and see this type of behavior. 00:53:29.760 --> 00:53:35.519 It's very hard collectively to make a change when there's so much resistance. 00:53:35.679 --> 00:53:37.840 How how would you speak to that? 00:53:38.719 --> 00:53:44.079 It I believe it all starts with us and not to live in fear. 00:53:44.320 --> 00:53:48.239 The more we model that, that's actually such a beautiful. 00:53:49.199 --> 00:53:54.000 Don't change those things about yourself just because others are doing it. 00:53:54.159 --> 00:53:57.360 Just step into the kindness that you are. 00:53:57.519 --> 00:54:02.400 So for me, the more we understand why is that father doing that in the first place? 00:54:02.559 --> 00:54:04.159 Why does he think that that's okay? 00:54:04.320 --> 00:54:09.840 What's happened in his life to make him think that he needs to behave like that at a child sport? 00:54:10.480 --> 00:54:16.559 So when we have deeper understanding for ourselves, we then have deeper understanding for each other. 00:54:16.800 --> 00:54:21.440 When we have understanding for each other, then we have more kindness and more compassion. 00:54:21.679 --> 00:54:30.800 So again, all we can do is come back to being the best version of ourselves and hope that influences those around us to be more kind. 00:54:31.119 --> 00:54:34.079 Kind we never know what each other are going through. 00:54:34.239 --> 00:54:53.599 So if we can just show up and continue to be those people that are the kind ones and it ripples one person, and look, don't quote me on this one, but I believe that one person has the ability to affect 90,000 people, and that's from the book Power versus Force from I think it's Nigel Hawkins. 00:54:53.679 --> 00:54:55.280 I think, don't quote me on that. 00:54:55.360 --> 00:55:09.599 But and so if we really believe that if one person has that ability, just continue to be that person, continue to be kind, continue to hope

that your children will then embody that as well. 00:55:09.679 --> 00:55:12.079 And then there's more people showing that compassion. 00:55:12.239 --> 00:55:14.480 Why is that child those? 00:55:14.559 --> 00:55:19.199 I I don't live in Sydney, so but I have heard about the things that are going on. 00:55:19.280 --> 00:55:22.159 So just being mindful to continue to be you. 00:55:23.280 --> 00:55:25.440 Man in starts with the man in the mirror. 00:55:25.599 --> 00:55:27.280 How do you make the world a better place? 00:55:27.440 --> 00:55:30.639 By you being that better version of you every day. 00:55:30.960 --> 00:55:35.039 Ah, that's a wonderful way to wrap up, Nicola. 00:55:35.519 --> 00:55:39.760 But before we do, I like to always offer a moment of reconnection. 00:55:39.920 --> 00:55:42.800 What does your body taught you about yourself? 00:55:43.840 --> 00:55:48.400 Oh, my body has taught me to slow down. 00:55:49.519 --> 00:55:51.280 It's taught me to slow down. 00:55:51.440 --> 00:56:03.360 It's taught me to just simply use my breath, my my heart to slow down and come home, to come to get curious. 00:56:03.519 --> 00:56:04.239 Where have you been? 00:56:04.639 --> 00:56:05.199 Come back. 00:56:05.360 --> 00:56:06.159 I'm here. 00:56:06.559 --> 00:56:07.199 Yeah. 00:56:07.440 --> 00:56:08.559 Oh, I love that. 00:56:08.880 --> 00:56:09.760 I feel that. 00:56:10.960 --> 00:56:13.280 What are you learning to let go of right now? 00:56:14.880 --> 00:56:16.800 Probably judgment of self. 00:56:17.440 --> 00:56:17.760 Yeah. 00:56:18.639 --> 00:56:20.559 Not good enough stories. 00:56:20.960 --> 00:56:22.480 Yeah, I've got those too. 00:56:22.719 --> 00:56:23.039 Yeah. 00:56:24.239 --> 00:56:25.760 Maybe we could start a challenge. 00:56:25.840 --> 00:56:27.840 Didn't you do a challenge on something? 00:56:29.920 --> 00:56:32.320 We'll get rewind and do it again. 00:56:34.639 --> 00:56:38.559 What are your go-to rituals that bring you back to yourself? 00:56:38.880 --> 00:56:40.000 Yin yoga. 00:56:40.320 --> 00:56:41.519 I love yin yoga. 00:56:42.400 --> 00:56:52.079 Um, but just in without having to do that, my rituals are really like I said, daily, placing my hand on my heart. 00:56:52.159 --> 00:56:54.000 What am I needing today? 00:56:54.480 --> 00:56:55.519 Really simple. 00:56:55.679 --> 00:57:01.679 I find myself personally when I create too much to I I don't follow through. 00:57:01.840 --> 00:57:02.800 I get distracted. 00:57:02.960 --> 00:57:04.079 Something will take me away. 00:57:04.159 --> 00:57:06.480 So I keep my rituals really simple. 00:57:06.719 --> 00:57:08.239 What am I needing today? 00:57:08.559 --> 00:57:10.880 And then taking it for myself throughout the day. 00:57:10.960 --> 00:57:11.840 That's that's it. 00:57:12.079 --> 00:57:13.440 Very, very simple. 00:57:13.920 --> 00:57:17.119 I love that because there's so much power in that simplicity. 00:57:17.280 --> 00:57:24.639 Because if we have a list a mile long of daily rituals, like whether it be yoga, breath work, meditation, this, that, right. 00:57:24.800 --> 00:57:33.599 But the one thing that you can commit to is putting your hand on your heart, your hand on your belly, closing your eyes and taking a big breath and asking yourself what you need. 00:57:33.679 --> 00:57:36.320 That is doable and very powerful. 00:57:37.599 --> 00:57:38.159 Yeah. 00:57:38.880 --> 00:57:40.079 That's all I do. 00:57:40.880 --> 00:57:41.760 Love it. 00:57:42.239 --> 00:57:44.880 So I've loved having you on the podcast today. 00:57:44.960 --> 00:57:47.199 Thank you for coming on and being a guest. 00:57:47.599 --> 00:57:48.239 Thank you. 00:57:48.480 --> 00:57:53.920 Maybe the little reminder from today's conversation is simply to notice how you receive. 00:57:54.079 --> 00:58:02.000 And the next time someone offers you help, a compliment, or kindness, pause before brushing it away. 00:58:02.239 --> 00:58:06.239 Sometimes receiving can be as simple as letting it land. 00:58:07.039 --> 00:58:09.360 Nicola, thank you so much for joining me. 00:58:09.599 --> 00:58:12.320 Where can people find you and follow your work? 00:58:12.880 --> 00:58:15.679 So I'm Nicola Miles Wellness. 00:58:15.920 --> 00:58:18.559 I am online and also in Adelaide. 00:58:19.199 --> 00:58:23.039 And I'm on Instagram, and that's it. 00:58:23.599 --> 00:58:24.960 Nicola Miles Wellness. 00:58:25.280 --> 00:58:25.679 Yeah. 00:58:26.079 --> 00:58:26.639 Thank you. 00:58:27.119 --> 00:58:27.599 Thank you. 00:58:27.760 --> 00:58:29.199 Thank you for having me. 00:58:29.519 --> 00:58:30.880 It's been so fun. 00:58:31.199 --> 00:58:32.480 You've loved it. 00:58:36.400 --> 00:58:39.440 Thank you for listening to Inside Out Connections. 00:58:39.599 --> 00:58:41.920 I hope today's conversation resonated. 00:58:42.079 --> 00:58:46.880 If you enjoyed this episode, please follow the podcast, leave a review, or share it. 00:58:47.039 --> 00:58:50.400 It really does help these conversations reach more people. 00:58:50.719 --> 00:59:00.239 Follow me on Instagram at Inside OutConnections for more from the podcast and conversations around well being, connection, and everyday life. 00:59:00.480 --> 00:59:03.360 Until the next time, take care of yourself.