บทถอดความฉบับเต็มของ Facing Yourself: The Real Path to Joy and Growth, with Shari Teigman

me into submission or says, ⁓ it's time to move. my goal is to have less of that to navigate, but in the meantime, I know it's my clue to go and I learned to get myself to feel safe while I'm on the go without knowing all the answers or trying to control things, learning how to surrender and letting the serendipity and magic take place. But it is definitely a process for me. It's not an automatic. And when people meet me because I'm loud and extroverted and excited about my work, people assume I'm fearless. Absolutely the opposite. I am filled with fear and my joy pulls me out of my fear, but I am naturally, I wouldn't say naturally, I'd say by default from life experiences, more cautious than not, and that's a goal of mine to let go of more and more as the magic takes me on the ride. I'm filled with fear and the joy takes me out. I love that line there. I know the joy is more natural for me and the fear is more present a lot of the time. So when I start to try to grip and I'm like, ⁓ where am I in here? And then I bring the joy and the ease and the playfulness back. like, ⁓ this feels better now. So I can't fight the fear with more fear. That's not going to work. And I don't want to fight. So I've got to bring my natural self up over the fog. And then I always know exactly what to even if it makes no sense. Yeah I find the joy for me is like one of the the main signposts that I'm in true North. Yes. It's like an ever-present joy that's not excitement or nothing to chase. It's just there. then when it's not there, it's usually because of something like fear, something heavier. Yes. And the question I have for you, because this is really on this topic, and I suspect it comes into your work, how you're leading your clients with this. For me myself, I see the certain areas where it's very easy to be in complete center, enjoy and creation. Like when I'm leading a course, for example, like I will be in that space. And then over time, I started to see that there's actually many spaces in my life where I'm not that. And... It's because I haven't realised that my pre-existing states are entering in very niche areas like learning Portuguese. Like I see it as a stress rather than a flow. And so I've been adapting myself to be, I can be in this place of the joy in each area. Now, I could share how I do that, but I'm interested in how do you do that? Do you recognize that there are certain areas yourself? Absolutely. I recognize it loudly, actually. You just nailed it. what I find funny with myself and with clients is we tend to habituate to where we're comfortable, but the comfort isn't with the joy. So if I'm used to being in a stress state, then learning a new language or meeting new people or tackling a new challenge in our business comes with stress because we almost feel it's the toolbox we need in order to overcome something and unfortunately our world has taught us that when you master something it's going to be hard work. I don't know who did that that's not fun mastery but So because society taught us to come at things like that, many of us spend time either in our stress responses or avoiding stress responses. So avoiding new challenges, avoiding new languages, avoiding new situations where I don't like to be uncomfortable. So I'm only going to play where I know I feel safe. I have a lot of clients who let's say stretch themselves in business, but they don't stretch themselves in relationships because business is more structured. They know the rules of engagement. Relationships is a place that scares them. So they won't go there. vice versa. ⁓ I'm not a business person. I'm a creative or I'm intuitive. I don't like all that stuff. So they want to stay where they know how to navigate. Where I know our biggest growth is taking ourselves to the place we don't know how to navigate and turning the lights on, turning the joy on or seeing how can I be the most me in a situation where I am the most not me. It's the most unfamiliar. And I think that's when we start to overcome all limitations because if I could show up as the best version of me wherever I am, the energy is going to match me and it's going to become easier, automatically flow. The people I need to support me will show up immediately because light matches light. I bring heaviness. I will make it the hardest experience it never needed to be so that I feel that I showed up. And I think what a lot of people don't realize is that is a choice of how we engage. The results will come by how we came at it. So I'd say Portuguese. it's a challenge. I'm curious how you show up in that. Like how do you change it to be yours? I know for me, I kind of, in America growing up there used to be an advert. It was stop, drop, and roll. It was a fireman, like if there's a fire in the room you stop, you drop down low, and then you roll. So I use that a lot in my work is like drop back into yourself before the situation or the person or the experience takes you into someone you don't want to be. I stop, I get present, I get back in my body, which is hard for me because I'm very cerebral. is like, whoa, where did I click out of alignment? How do I actually feel myself again? What do I want to feel about the situation? The answer is always joy and playfulness for me. I have to remember to ask the question, and a lot of times I don't. And then I'm off and running, miserable, anxious, trying to control things. Like, wait, where did I leave myself here? So for me, it's really a course correction in the moment. You are a... a different thinker than I am. think we're both deep thinkers, but I'm curious how you catch yourself because I'm very messy and I feel like you're very not messy. You're very centered. How does it work for someone who's so centered to put himself in a situation that is non-centering? I don't know which situations are non-centering really. The way I see it is that if you take Portuguese, like I have a timeline for an exam that is alongside

many other projects. so when I'm out of centre, I could be doing, my LinkedIn outreach, for example, and feeling like I should be doing Portuguese. Yes. And so to catch that is to find that place inside me that is not accepting where I am right now. And then to bring joy and like the purpose is now, like the outreach is my now moment. And when I do that, everything is simple. Yeah, but it... So that's one of my patterns. then what I teach people is to trace the emotion of that pattern beneath it, which I've done many times. And when we do that, then the pattern stops arising once we've got to the roots. I love that. How do you help your clients? Because it sounds like you work with some pretty high achievers. How do you help your clients to face themselves? You spoke about the edge, which is also a word that I use. ⁓ How do you help them face the edge in an amount that they're ready for? So it challenges them, but it doesn't push them into a place where they then spiral because it's too much for their mind. achievers are so addicted to that spiral that they think they're not achieving unless they're hanging off the edge rather than find the edge of themselves. So I think achievers look for the edge to achievement but they don't look at the edge of themselves to find out what works for them and what doesn't. So what drives my clients the most crazy but works the best is I slow them down, speed them up and it's a zone they've never been in. Because the speed is so much part of the addiction of success and achievement most of them have no idea they are under what they've accomplished or who they want to be, what the next summit is. When we drop into what drives them, what stops them, what scares them, things they never want to talk about, it's beautiful. It's like watching an Easter egg crack open and all the little prizes come out because in there is everything they need for where they want to go that has nothing to do with the outside world. Now, I wouldn't tell them that when they get on the call with me, but they think they're coming to me for their next love. of performance. They think I'm going to crack the code on what they don't know about themselves yet so that they can achieve unlike other people. Well, the key to that is always ourself. It's always the answer of us. And it is that emotional regulation. It's an understanding of where my triggers are and where my joy lives. And most of us don't know either, or we know our triggers only after the effect and joy doesn't come into play. So when I'm speaking to a high level CEO and I ask them what makes them happy, they look at me like I have three heads, like, are we in kindergarten I was like yes we are because if it doesn't drive you to happiness it's going to drive you to mania and that's what you call achievement and it's not sustainable and you know it because your wife doesn't speak to you your kids don't speak to you you're terrified of your whole team and you are scared of losing everything you built how's that working for you and then the tears come and the the mask comes down and the questions always how do I find any of this I've never looked for it in my life so sometimes it's deep work and sometimes it's just the playfulness of forgetting where we've been and the big T, little T traumas we've had. We don't have to go explore all that if someone doesn't want to. But we do get to figure out where they want to go and what they want it to look like, what they want it to feel like. So if I had a magic wand, which is always the thing I say, if had a magic wand, where would you want to be in six months? Everyone always comes out with the answer of, well, I'd like time with my family and I want my business to look like this and I want some of my time back and I want my creative ideas to come out. And then we step back into now and look at where of all those things fit. Most of the time there's no space for any of them. Their hands are so filled with the expectations and the rules they've created for themselves that there's no room for what they actually want, which is why they can't have it yet. So we start to make room. We unpack what is there. We understand why it was there. So like you said, the emotional exploration of why is this something that comes with you in every experience? Why do you have these unwritten rules for yourself? made them, where they come from, do they still apply, and when we can rewrite our own rules and follow the beat of our own drum. the waves calm down and we can then surf the way that we want to. it sounds simplistic, but it's the most beautifully complicated, easy process when we just learn to hear the beat of our own drum and create from there and align with people from there and align with projects. The answers are much more clear yeses and nos because we aren't checking in with everyone first. And to everyone's surprise, businesses don't fall apart, relationships don't end. thrive. I should say some do and as they should and needed to for a long time. Businesses shift, team members trust more. When we change everything around us changes and so many people are afraid to change themselves because they think if the outside can hold them they'll be okay but we know that's not real and it's so hard to stay steady when you're lying to yourself. So when we start telling more truth to ourselves from the inside everything else becomes more clear. We can be more honest, we can have harder conversations that end better, we don't have to make someone wrong to be right. There's a lot more ease just comes in without changing that many things, just coming from our own center. So you speak about the beat of the drum and joy, I would say that there's also another aspect that you've highlighted here which is happiness. So you could say enjoyment and joy are separate but connected things. Can you speak into this topic so that someone listening could maybe start to hear the journey to walk, to discover what it

is to be in joy in each moment? ⁓ I love the distinction and it's so accurate and so not talked about because again, society has taught us to look to be happy. Happy is a fleeting moment. And if we are chasing happiness in the traditional way of everything's lined up, everything's always working, ⁓ no one's upset with me, nothing bad's happening, the weather's perfect. I if we're waiting for that to feel accomplished and proud of ourself, I don't know about you, but I'm in big trouble. I'm a New Yorker. I'm not naturally a positive, happy person. I like purpose. I like drive. I like working through things. I like feeling everything sometimes to a fault everything so I Would miss out on the real feelings if I was constantly looking for happiness I find my biggest growth points are in points of pain and in points of sorrow and grief and ⁓ Because I'm a deep feeler. I don't want to only feel the surface I feel I can feel the most joy when I'm willing to feel the most depth so When we look for enjoyment, of course, it's a beautiful byproduct of being in alignment, but for me joy is contentment in wherever I am I'm okay. Even when things are not easy, even when I'm being challenged, I feel for me the creator of the universe, whatever you connect to, is giving me an opportunity to work on a sole purpose of mine. Which means sometimes it's dark and tough, but the light comes after I can sit in the darkness long enough, I get to turn the light on, I don't wait to be saved. So when I feel, I think how Happiness is when we solve problems that we feel good about. So happiness and success to me is working through the things that I used to think are barriers and finding connection with people that I never thought I could dream of. meeting someone like you and creating a connection with you is a win of joy for me because I know I'm now at a level that I can bring a Keith into my life. A years ago I wouldn't have been able to because I wouldn't have been at a place where I could allow you in or speak at a place where you and I could connect and really feel a connection of the differences and the similarities like, ⁓ there you are, my soul piece, this is how I look at it. So I think this whole thing is a game. So joy is not only when I'm happy about it, joy is when things are really hard or I'm challenged by something and I find the fortitude and the resilience to work through it and find the light through the dark is the most joy I can feel because it wasn't just handed to me on a silver platter because the weather was perfect or because something came easily. I like working through things. So enjoyment is the road for me and joy is the result. And it isn't always about being happy and being proud of myself. I learn a lot about myself when I face my hardest challenges. And do you have a challenge that you're facing currently that you could share, live one? I have lots of them. pick one. So one is a family private one so can't share but is a big challenge for me

and I'd say one that I am happy to share is I'd say the growth of my business because my business functions off of the... principles that I live by. I always have to go first. think we all should. I'm not going to send anyone down a lane I haven't traveled yet. So I think my growth and where my business is is naturally not in the same place because I'm ahead of where my business is. And figuring out how to not feel like I have to shrink to grow my purpose and impact in the world, but also not change my own growth journey to slow down because I want to help everyone else catch up. It's always a dance for me. I naturally help more people before I help myself and I know that my next growth is working myself to go further so that the business can come with me and it's this push-pull and I enjoy it even though it's crazy because I watch myself face what I know I'm meant to be here for and it's not a separate journey and it's both painful and exciting because I know it's happening for a reason and I don't have all the answers and that frustrates the speed in me and also that slowing down pace helps me find nuggets and people and connection that I'm meant to that I wouldn't have if I was racing by like I can when I'm on purpose. And you use a word that I use repeatedly in my work which is to face. Now someone listening maybe like, what does that mean really? Could you share what it is to face in yourself when it happens? ⁓ I'm so glad you're asking the question because I never used to know what it meant and now when I found that... We humans can convince ourselves in and out of anything we want. We can believe our own BS. We can believe everyone else's rules of engagement. For me, when I learned to face myself, I learned to feel who I was underneath all of the noise. And then that's always the place, that pulse, that beat I'm looking for. So I can get busy with everyone else's stuff and the real, you know, the 3D world and all the have-to's and shoulds and all of that. And when I disconnect from myself, I feel empty and lost and like I'm floating. even if it looks good from the outside. So for me to face is to reconnect with the parts of me that I am meant to hear to get me where I'm supposed to go. Because I can have a list of achievements that I feel absolutely nothing from and someone else can be really impressed by them. And then I'll think I'm being hard on myself. I'm not being hard on myself, they're just not my achievements. So to face is, for me, is to find out who I am meant to be and what that path looks like and find it at all costs. And that means quieting the noise, even when the noise works for me. And even when it's filled with kudos and people clapping or achievement of getting five speaking gigs. like, wait, does it align with me? Am I excited about it? So even when the good stuff is happening, making sure I bring myself to the table is not just getting caught on the wave of how people see me or what I'm known for is where am I being truthful to myself when I stand on that stage? Where do I slow down and be present to not lift off into performance mode and be true and honoring while also holding other people. And I didn't used to have it, I used to just perform. because I was good at it and then I felt empty inside and I don't want to abandon myself no matter how much I can help other people I deserve to go on the road to because everyone gets more of me anyway so it's been a real dance because it's easy for me to leave and not face myself because I can perform easily but it's so empty at the end that it's it's a commitment I've made to myself to constantly face to check in what's real what's honest what's true even if it's uncomfortable and even if it's doesn't serve everyone else. Okay, interesting. So you used facing as facing that I would determine the one true state. Like am I ⁓ here? Am I anchored in this state? Yeah. I use the word facing to face like the things that pull us out, the emotions. Because when we fully face that, the whole architecture that's built on that can collapse. ⁓ And I really hear you on the hollowness of being a role. I suspect a lot of people can relate to that. It's like, we in creation right now? Are we speaking from the now, like we are on this podcast, but are we doing that in different areas across our life? Our relationships, our children. It takes a lot of honesty to be like, actually, I'm just going through the motions in this space. And for me, the whole reason I created this podcast was around purpose and inevitability. And it really only exists from what I can see. And then it sounds like from what you can see as well in this place of creation, when we're coming from that one true state. But it's a dance, right? To be able to walk that, that can appear like a tightrope at times. And it's not the fastest route. And a lot of people like the fastest route because they think if I get where I say I want to go, then I'll feel X, Y, which isn't how it works. many people gather, so many of my successful clients get there and feel absolutely nothing and are terrified. I ticked off every box that I was told would make me feel a certain way. I have to explain to them, unfortunately, nothing or no one can make you feel anything. We have to feel first and then create, and that's terrifying. Because we feel all of those, as you call the facing, all those emotions are the clues that we have no idea how to read. So then we avoid our emotions because what's all this stuff getting in my way? No, no, no. It's in there where the answers are, but it can be uncomfortable, especially if we've been pushing them away or they create habitual patterns we don't like. We then try to work around ourselves instead of going through ourselves. So to those listening, what could you give as a gem, a gift to help them if they're on this journey or perhaps even to start it if they're like, wow, yeah, I really hear myself in this. Yeah. So there's a process that I do with

people at the very beginning that I hand them to do with themselves. It take a couple of weeks and just utilize this. So it's called unpack, understand, sorry, unpack, unbelieve and understand. So Liz Gill. ⁓ author that I love. ⁓ saw her a talk, speak on a stage and she said something that I adored. Before she found her way in what she wanted to do, she spent a few years that she titled, Not This. And everything she unpacked in her life was, don't want this relationship, I don't want that job, I don't want that feeling. Until we know what isn't working for us, we can't possibly explore what we want because we're so laden with everything life has given us that we think defines us, that we think holds us in safety, which doesn't. So when we start to unpack, the example I always use and everyone always knows this feeling, let's say you go like on a hen do or a stag do with a bunch of friends and the last night no one remembers and you get home with your bag and you go into the WhatsApp group because you open up and there's a red shoe in your bag and you're like this is not my red shoe but I'm carrying it with me everywhere. So everyone laughs because we know when it's not our shoe in a bag, but we don't know when it's not our beliefs in our bag, when it's not our pathway. and our career choices and our relationships and our trauma is leading our charge but we carry around stuff all the time that doesn't belong to us and we call it a life. So if we don't start to unpack and make some room first about what you no longer want and what you no longer believe, we can't then understand where we want to go. So I invite people, if they're willing, to spend a little time, get a little notebook or write it in notes on your phone. This is not about destroying your life or blowing anything up. Awareness like putting on a new set of glasses to say what around me doesn't feel good I don't have to understand why I don't have to know well that person makes me feel just notice throughout the day when are you in flow when are you in friction and We start with this not not this list and say actually When I'm in a meeting like that I don't feel like myself and then it takes me three hours to recover that by the time I go home to my family I'm already so outside of myself that I then can't enjoy my kids at night and then I go to sleep angry that I wasn't the parent I wanted to be or the partner I wanted to be and then it carries to the next day. if we can start to clock whose shoes are in our bag, where they come from, what we no longer believe even if we used to believe or no longer want to carry things that don't belong to us, we can then understand where our bandwidth is. When we have more bandwidth, we can make better choices. I want more peace and safety in my life. I want more play and adventure in my life. I'm not holding everything as tightly because when I see how fluid my emotions are, can stop believing them so much. I can make a great day or a bad day out of

the same exact day, Keith. It just depends on how I wake up in the morning. You give a good example there of being in a meeting three hours and then he knocks out of center, you're not able to be with your family and you go to bed angry, not being a good parent. So let's take that example of a client that has that situation. what can they do about it? Obviously they could leave their entire job, right? option. What are the other options for someone that is in that situation? And it's great because most people go to exactly that ⁓ so now I got to walk away from everything. No you have you get to learn how to control yourself. So what I suggest someone does when they had a meeting like that first of all diagnose why the meeting felt like that and close it. I know why it felt like that that person always pisses me off whatever their reasons are. What state do I want to walk into my house? I am only in charge of how I react to taking do I choose to take it with me home or do I choose to leave it and close it? And I'm a big ritual person. So I encourage people because I think the anchors help us shift our state more than just our brain spinning the same things. I have clients who change shoes in the car on the way home and they know those are the home, calm, connected, harmonious shoes and they leave their work shoes at home. They use a different mug when they're on a certain kind of meeting and a mug when they're in creation mode. They work in different places in the office or at home. ⁓ sit, play certain plays. lists on the way home to change state. What is the state I want to feel? Well, I'm going to go back to music from the 80s that I loved when I was playful and free. By the time I get home, I am a different animal before I walk in that door. Or a client of mine has a digital frame on his desk at the office. Before he leaves, he sits for 10 minutes and looks at family pictures before he leaves the office. So he clicks back into the loving connection he knows is waiting for him if he doesn't miss it going home angry. So if we can anchor ourselves in slow down without needing to change anything but get back to whatever center you need for that day you can then change the whole day by future tripping in the best way. I'm gonna go home and be the best parent I can be because my day was hard. I'm gonna nurture myself and nourish myself with the love I'm surrounded by with the connection. I'm gonna call a friend on the way home so that I can feel connected even before I get home so that I go in already connection and it's just these small moves no one has to anything now and I promise you the funny thing is people don't realize they go into work the next day much more resourced and that meeting doesn't bother them as much. We don't use the lack. to then carry more lack. We use the resource to fuel more resourcing or apologize for a tough conversation that happened the day before. Sorry, I was really stressed. What I meant to say was, and it neutralizes people like no one's ever thought could ever happen. How's everyone changing around me? You are different. They're not terrified of you stomping in the next day like you usually do. Fantastic. That's absolutely gold. And Sharie, thank you so much for joining me at True North alignment podcast. you for having me. Is there any way that you'd like to leave for people to reach you? Yeah, sure. The best way to reach me is on Instagram. So it's my name, Sherry Teigman. I have a book coming out actually in May. you pop on Instagram, you'll find out all about it. It's a field guide to finding this Maverick version of yourself. ⁓ And it's a fun, interactive kind of playbook where you can really explore. lot of people like to do this work, not with an interrogation lamp on them, but just to playfully understand how we get stuck, how we can get unstuck, how to locate parts of ourselves that we want to use in places that we don't know how to use them. So I love meeting new people. So if you do end up following me, please send the message. I'm the only one answering. I love to meet new people, connect and hear what you got out of the podcast, what you are working on. You know, I think we all get to do this in collaboration and connection together. Well, I imagine it's an incredible journey to work with you, Sherry. I see that you share that you help bring people back into their power. And then we're going to complete this episode and I'll see you on the next one. Thanks for being here. Thank you for being here. Take a moment with this and see where you're in alignment and where you're not. When you're in true north, there's nothing underneath your actions distorting them. And from here, purpose becomes inevitable. Until next time.