บทถอดความฉบับเต็มของ Gracefully Assertive (Part 1 of 2): Avoiding the Traps of People Who Liked the Old You

hierarchies, and I think for some reason we've all signed on to live in these hierarchies, and you're going to find that people will try to tell you who you are. 00:05:12.319 --> 00:05:17.759 And I think the fight and the work is to reclaim our own personal narrative, right? 00:05:18.000 --> 00:05:19.279 We claim our autonomy. 00:05:19.839 --> 00:05:22.959 So there's some people who have just never fit in, right? 00:05:23.519 --> 00:05:26.639 In a sense, if you've never fit in, then it can be a gift. 00:05:26.720 --> 00:05:27.759 It's a gift and a curse. 00:05:27.839 --> 00:05:35.839 It's a gift in the sense that you get to hold on to your autonomy a little bit longer than most people do, and it's a curse because there's just always friction. 00:05:36.079 --> 00:05:38.160 So those are the two sides of that coin. 00:05:38.399 --> 00:05:40.319 Yeah, thank you for sharing that. 00:05:40.480 --> 00:05:44.879 And you're in agreement with Robin, who says, I believe it's me. 00:05:45.519 --> 00:05:48.879 Who gets to decide whether a woman is whatever? 00:05:49.120 --> 00:05:49.759 Yeah. 00:05:50.160 --> 00:06:17.600 And I would add, I agree with everything that you just shared, but I also think sometimes we think we are something, but even that is just a distortion or a convenient deletion or a generalization because we're like what seven, eight trillion cells living, somehow orchestrating this life experience. 00:06:17.839 --> 00:06:31.680 And sometimes who we think we are is based on the memory, and sometimes who we think we are is based on a perception, and the memory and perception we turn we it turns out, according to neuroscientists, is just constantly changing, and we also create it. 00:06:32.319 --> 00:06:45.439 Yeah, so yeah, so we've internalized the hierarchy, and so we we actually do think we are what the hierarchy has told us, and we'll fight for it, we'll fight for our own limitations sometimes. 00:06:47.199 --> 00:06:48.560 Okay, thank you for that. 00:06:48.879 --> 00:07:06.480 Here's a question for the divorce and dating coach, which Shade is, and she's an expert in relationships, and there's this worry that if I were to be assertive, even if it's graceful, that somehow it's gonna kill the spark. 00:07:06.720 --> 00:07:07.600 You know what I mean? 00:07:07.759 --> 00:07:14.720 And if you spell out exactly what you want, we talked about assertive being like you just tell them what you want cleanly and simply. 00:07:14.879 --> 00:07:20.240 If you were to do that, can it kind of kill the mystery and the sexiness? 00:07:20.399 --> 00:07:21.360 What do you think? 00:07:22.160 --> 00:07:24.319 Oh, yeah, five questions in one. 00:07:24.480 --> 00:07:24.639 Okay. 00:07:25.519 --> 00:07:27.199 We're trying to go with through all the sites. 00:07:27.279 --> 00:07:32.959 So I remember I worked with this client who she had probably been dating before she came to work with me. 00:07:33.199 --> 00:07:39.839 And her profile, she'd been told, you know

what, just ask for what you want and don't settle, get exactly what you want. 00:07:39.920 --> 00:07:44.879 So her profile was a list of what she wanted in a partner, and she was like, I want this, this, this, this. 00:07:45.680 --> 00:07:48.560 And if you're not these things, please don't message me. 00:07:50.079 --> 00:07:53.279 And so did anyone message her? 00:07:53.920 --> 00:07:55.199 Not the right people. 00:07:55.759 --> 00:07:56.079 Okay. 00:07:56.959 --> 00:08:04.560 Oh, the right people want, and that's the interesting thing about simply asking for what you want or being direct. 00:08:04.720 --> 00:08:07.839 Again, we have to establish the frame of reference, first of all. 00:08:07.920 --> 00:08:09.759 So that's one of the first things you gotta do. 00:08:09.920 --> 00:08:11.040 What are these definitions? 00:08:11.120 --> 00:08:12.319 Well, no one does too direct me. 00:08:12.480 --> 00:08:13.920 What is asking for what you want me? 00:08:14.240 --> 00:08:20.160 So in this situation, she was asking for what she wanted, but she wasn't reading the room. 00:08:20.319 --> 00:08:24.800 She wasn't coming, first of all, with an understanding of the lens. 00:08:25.040 --> 00:08:33.120 Because in some situations, what you're doing when you are too direct like that in dating is you're simply handing a man the answers to the exam. 00:08:33.360 --> 00:08:37.519 So for the manipulative man, now he just knows what to use to trick you. 00:08:38.320 --> 00:08:43.679 So he does not pretend to be all those things for as long as he needs to get what he wants, whatever the problem is. 00:08:43.919 --> 00:08:50.000 And for the men who aren't those things but think they are, again, not effective. 00:08:50.159 --> 00:08:57.200 So there is a certain, which is why we use the word term gracefully assertive, it's like this slippery theme where it's like you're gonna be like a ninja. 00:08:58.799 --> 00:09:02.000 First thing you want to do is let's read the room. 00:09:02.240 --> 00:09:08.000 I'm not reading the room in terms of I'm doing what I'm doing to please the other people. 00:09:08.320 --> 00:09:20.320 It's that I am stepping in with an understanding of what's happening so that I can get what I so my simple answer for the basic question of can you scare away someone by being too direct. 00:09:20.399 --> 00:09:22.799 The answer is no, you can't scare away the right person. 00:09:22.960 --> 00:09:31.440 However, you can play the game wrong if you're too direct where that's not the tool needed. 00:09:31.519 --> 00:09:34.480 So I think of relationships I'm like, you're building this masterpiece. 00:09:34.720 --> 00:09:39.440 And the very best artists have 22, 50 different size of paintbrushes. 00:09:39.519 --> 00:09:43.440 You've got to have the right paintbrush for the right texture that you want to put on the canvas. 00:09:43.519 --> 00:09:46.000 You've got to have all the tools and you've got to know how to use them. 00:09:46.240 --> 00:09:51.519 And so when you are going into dating, that's the fast forward for those who are thinking about that. 00:09:52.080 --> 00:09:57.840 The first step is to know what you want, to be willing to not settle for what you want. 00:09:58.480 --> 00:10:01.679 And then to know how to recognize what you want. 00:10:01.840 --> 00:10:08.240 A lot of people are saying, hey, I'm just gonna be direct about what I want, expecting the other person to show up as what they want. 00:10:08.320 --> 00:10:09.759 But that's not where the work is. 00:10:09.919 --> 00:10:11.759 The work is, first of all, you know what you want. 00:10:11.919 --> 00:10:13.200 You're really clear on that. 00:10:13.440 --> 00:10:16.639 Women tell me all the time, I know who I am and what I want. 00:10:18.399 --> 00:10:19.840 They're like, Well, I lost myself. 00:10:20.000 --> 00:10:21.519 I haven't done my hobbies in the last. 00:10:21.840 --> 00:10:23.759 And this is in a divorce context. 00:10:23.919 --> 00:10:26.399 You know, I haven't done my hobbies in the last 10 years. 00:10:26.480 --> 00:10:28.960 And I'm like, well, let's let's bring back who you really are. 00:10:29.440 --> 00:10:35.200 So knowing who you are, knowing what you really want, not being unwilling to settle for anything less than that. 00:10:35.279 --> 00:10:36.480 So that's the foundation. 00:10:36.720 --> 00:10:42.240 Then the second layer is can you recognize what you want when you see it? 00:10:43.200 --> 00:10:46.080 Because if you can, you don't even need to say a word. 00:10:46.159 --> 00:10:57.200 You don't need to go into the day saying this is what I want, because just through the communication, through the interaction, you'll know whether that person is what you want or not what you want. 00:10:57.440 --> 00:11:04.960 Again, we're taking that radical responsibility to be like, I know what I want, but I am the one who's implementing what I want. 00:11:05.200 --> 00:11:11.120 So you can't really scare away the right person because the right person shows up as what you want. 00:11:11.360 --> 00:11:15.519 What typically happens is they're not showing, they're not what we want. 00:11:15.679 --> 00:11:17.519 They don't have the capacity to be what we want. 00:11:17.600 --> 00:11:25.759 But we go in there and say, Well, I know you didn't walk me to my car yesterday, but I want to teach you how to walk a woman to the car so you can walk me to my car for the rest of my life. 00:11:25.919 --> 00:11:32.159 No, if you didn't walk you to your car on the first night, and you want a man who walks you to your car, he's not the one. 00:11:32.399 --> 00:11:35.200 And that was a long answer, but I was trying to cram a lot of nuances. 00:11:35.519 --> 00:11:37.279 Yeah, you answered the five questions in that. 00:11:37.919 --> 00:11:38.000 Okay. 00:11:38.320 --> 00:11:40.879 So, Jamie, what about at work? 00:11:41.039 --> 00:11:48.399 Like, yeah, does that can that backfinder work if a woman is too direct at work or if a woman just asks

for what she wants at work? 00:11:48.720 --> 00:11:49.120 Yes. 00:11:49.360 --> 00:11:51.759 In fact, the short answer is yes. 00:11:52.000 --> 00:11:55.840 And I think exactly for similar principles, right? 00:11:56.000 --> 00:12:02.000 Not the similar example, but the similar principle that you just applied is do you know what you want? 00:12:02.159 --> 00:12:06.320 But do you also, are you clear with yourself who you are? 00:12:06.399 --> 00:12:08.159 And do you have your own back? 00:12:08.480 --> 00:12:14.240 And I think the through line to the story that you just shared is do you have the common language? 00:12:14.399 --> 00:12:18.799 Is there, what do they call it, shared lingua franca, right? 00:12:19.039 --> 00:12:20.480 Shared language. 00:12:20.720 --> 00:12:25.919 So you know that you're coming from shared understanding, common ground, right? 00:12:26.159 --> 00:12:45.200 Because if that client you just referenced, if she were able to articulate lived examples of things that she would like to see that she would recognize as the right person, and she told a story about what she's looking to recognize instead of making this itemized list, she could have had a different experience. 00:12:45.440 --> 00:12:50.159 And I have heard, and here's here's the professional corollary. 00:12:50.559 --> 00:12:54.720 I have read an article some years back about this professor. 00:12:54.879 --> 00:13:04.320 She was like negotiating a new job offer, and she wrote a detailed itemized list of everything that she wanted in this offer. 00:13:04.559 --> 00:13:08.879 And she didn't first engage in, hey, is this the right time? 00:13:08.960 --> 00:13:10.320 Is this the right process? 00:13:10.559 --> 00:13:13.200 She just boom, here is everything I want. 00:13:13.360 --> 00:13:14.159 I want it. 00:13:14.399 --> 00:13:16.559 And then the offer got rescinded. 00:13:16.879 --> 00:13:17.840 And why is that? 00:13:17.919 --> 00:13:23.519 Because it's because gracefully assertive, just as you shared, is like you have to be mindful. 00:13:23.679 --> 00:13:35.840 There is a shared understanding, common ground, and usually an understanding of an appropriate process if it exists, and if not, like being willing to co-create one. 00:13:36.240 --> 00:13:41.120 I think that's that's what makes the gracefully assertive different from too direct. 00:13:42.320 --> 00:13:45.840 Give me all everything I want now, otherwise, don't even talk to me. 00:13:47.039 --> 00:13:56.320 The person, the professor who sent that email with the itemized list, she probably wasn't thinking that way, but it probably landed that way, which is unfortunate. 00:13:56.559 --> 00:13:56.879 Right? 00:13:57.120 --> 00:13:57.519 Yeah, yeah. 00:13:57.840 --> 00:13:58.000 Okay. 00:13:58.240 --> 00:13:59.279 I can totally see that. 00:13:59.759 --> 00:14:07.200 Again, going back to reading the rule, is this the way that the person you're working with needs to hear the information? 00:14:07.360 --> 00:14:21.679 The caveat to that is that there are some people, no matter how you frame the conversation, they're going to there's already been a decision made, but it also still goes back to reading the rule because I think that information can be available to us if we're looking for it. 00:14:21.919 --> 00:14:24.000 Yes, reading the room is very important. 00:14:24.159 --> 00:14:32.480 And I think part of reading the room is getting curious about whether there is a process because that's part of reading the room. 00:14:32.559 --> 00:14:34.240 Okay, that's how the room is structured. 00:14:34.399 --> 00:14:35.200 There's a process. 00:14:35.440 --> 00:14:36.080 Yes, yes. 00:14:36.480 --> 00:14:37.440 Yeah, excellent. 00:14:37.679 --> 00:14:39.759 Shani, would you like to ask me a question? 00:14:40.080 --> 00:14:40.480 Yes. 00:14:40.720 --> 00:14:52.000 So next question is what are people who liked you better when you were accommodating than in journeys as we've women have grown, it's like, hey, wait a second, I don't have to put up with this, or I don't have people please. 00:14:52.080 --> 00:15:01.440 And so as women are growing and they're moving out of people pleasing and accommodating, what happens when you still have to interact with people? 00:15:01.759 --> 00:15:02.240 Have that. 00:15:02.399 --> 00:15:03.120 Who oh, sorry. 00:15:03.279 --> 00:15:04.799 Am I asking the right question? 00:15:05.120 --> 00:15:06.960 Oh no, sorry, I went too far down. 00:15:07.200 --> 00:15:08.080 Okay, it's all right, it's all right. 00:15:09.120 --> 00:15:10.399 All right, I scroll too low. 00:15:10.559 --> 00:15:16.879 Okay, is gracefulness assertiveness just one more thing that women have to get right? 00:15:17.039 --> 00:15:22.720 When a man says what he needs because why do women have to have grace on top of that? 00:15:23.600 --> 00:15:28.639 So it's an excellent question, and here's my take on it. 00:15:29.120 --> 00:15:40.320 The graceful and gracefully assertive for me is not a performance, it's not something that you do for the sake and the comfort of other people around you. 00:15:40.559 --> 00:15:45.200 It's something that you do with and for yourself, and here's why. 00:15:45.360 --> 00:15:49.919 Just as Sharay said, we live in the context of social hierarchies. 00:15:50.080 --> 00:15:57.679 We've all been taught you obey the teacher or you listen to the person in charge and you fall in line, right? 00:15:58.000 --> 00:16:05.039 And we inadvertently internalize a lot of the negative messaging directed toward women. 00:16:05.200 --> 00:16:17.120 And whether it's a man, a woman, or non-binary person, we've all experienced in this room, we've all experienced conflicting opinions about who we are and how we should be in all sorts of directions. 00:16:17.279 --> 00:16:25.279 And that creates internal strife, that creates stress, that create that is what leads to imposter syndrome, that's what leads to self-doubt. 00:16:25.440 --> 00:16:26.720 What

if I'm not enough, right? 00:16:26.879 --> 00:16:34.159 And so grace and gracefully assertive is number one, acknowledging all of that is happening. 00:16:34.399 --> 00:16:42.960 This is the reason why you experience that doubt and the imposter syndrome and wondering if you're not good enough, not prepared enough, right? 00:16:43.120 --> 00:17:00.559 And so the grace is something that you extend towards yourself first so that you could create just a little bit of breathing room from the internalized messages that have you feeling small and from everything else that you are. 00:17:00.720 --> 00:17:07.200 Because no one, just as we established, no one is one adjective, no one is two whatever. 00:17:07.359 --> 00:17:12.319 We're like, I don't know, our experiences, when you think about it, it goes on and on. 00:17:13.039 --> 00:17:14.240 Our potential. 00:17:14.400 --> 00:17:20.400 We have like trillions and trillions of cells and neurons, 100 billion neuronal neuronal connections. 00:17:20.480 --> 00:17:21.680 We're so much more than that. 00:17:21.920 --> 00:17:27.119 So for me, gracefully is about extending that grace towards ourselves. 00:17:27.279 --> 00:17:31.039 And that's the work that I really focus on in my coaching with my clients. 00:17:31.119 --> 00:17:42.319 And then when they can really internalize that, this new way of being with themselves, then asking for the things that they want at work just becomes easier. 00:17:42.559 --> 00:17:45.759 And I'll tell more stories about that later on. 00:17:45.920 --> 00:17:47.759 But I'll pause right there. 00:17:48.240 --> 00:17:48.880 Yeah. 00:17:50.640 --> 00:17:51.680 I definitely agree. 00:17:51.759 --> 00:18:02.240 It's I'm like, I agree with the question, the framing of the question that yeah, it is unfair that women have to think about being gracefully assertive or even have to think about things like this at all. 00:18:02.400 --> 00:18:08.480 I think that's a lot of mental and emotional labor that women carry both in relationships and at work. 00:18:08.640 --> 00:18:12.160 Men really have to think about whether they're being assertive or not. 00:18:12.720 --> 00:18:14.240 They just get to be. 00:18:14.640 --> 00:18:15.920 So I think that it is unfair. 00:18:16.000 --> 00:18:18.160 It is a price that is paid. 00:18:18.400 --> 00:18:22.799 At this point, it's almost, oh, that is it's like the weather. 00:18:25.920 --> 00:18:31.039 We want to do the work to roll that, but you're also going to work tomorrow. 00:18:31.359 --> 00:18:38.160 We want to balance it where women are not seen as like ungraceful or aggressive when they're being assertive. 00:18:38.559 --> 00:18:40.319 But that is still the case as of today. 00:18:40.400 --> 00:18:41.440 It is the case today. 00:18:41.599 --> 00:18:49.839 So if you are in the workplace or you're in the business world today, you have to navigate the presence of that inequality, right? 00:18:50.000 --> 00:18:52.319 It's that we're not accepting the inequality. 00:18:52.480 --> 00:18:54.720 We're just acknowledging that it exists. 00:18:55.119 --> 00:19:02.480 And on the one hand, you're fighting to roll that back, whether through laws or education, things like that. 00:19:02.720 --> 00:19:14.640 But also, you want to negotiate your promotion at the end of this year while the laws are still unfair, and while the political climate is unfair, and while your corporate climate might be unfair. 00:19:14.880 --> 00:19:23.599 And so I like to acknowledge the unfairness of it and then encourage my clients to make a choice. 00:19:23.839 --> 00:19:25.759 You actually get to choose. 00:19:25.920 --> 00:19:30.880 So when women are dating and they're like, well, the men are doing that, you know, you can be single, right? 00:19:31.119 --> 00:19:32.720 That's not a bad thing. 00:19:32.960 --> 00:19:33.920 You know what? 00:19:34.319 --> 00:19:38.880 And you can choose not to deal with the unfairness and the wrongness. 00:19:39.039 --> 00:19:47.279 But if you choose to deal with it and you choose to engage and you choose to make money and pay your bills, because we don't have to, right? 00:19:47.519 --> 00:19:50.319 And go live in the live in the Grand Canyon if you want. 00:19:50.480 --> 00:19:51.920 Some people have decided, you know what? 00:19:52.079 --> 00:19:55.279 I'm going to the Grand Canyon, I'm not gonna pay my bills. 00:19:55.359 --> 00:19:56.640 I'm not gonna have any bills. 00:19:56.799 --> 00:20:00.640 That is an option, but most sane people are not making that option. 00:20:00.960 --> 00:20:05.680 We want to pay our bills, we want to have so we're choosing to go to work. 00:20:05.839 --> 00:20:11.680 And I think a lot of women feel like they're not choosing, and I think that's where the problem comes in. 00:20:12.000 --> 00:20:20.160 We feel like we're being forced to go to work, forced to make money, and forced to date, and forced to have partners. 00:20:20.640 --> 00:20:24.319 And I know that can be a little radical, but that's my take on it. 00:20:24.880 --> 00:20:27.359 We don't actually have to do any of it. 00:20:27.759 --> 00:20:38.000 So when we choose to, we can say, okay, I am choosing to navigate this political climate in my appropriate job, and I want the promotion. 00:20:38.319 --> 00:20:53.119 So I'm going to ask for what I want, but I'm also going to take the time to kind of go through the process, Jamie, that you presented to say, how can I navigate this unfair situation and still get one? 00:20:53.920 --> 00:21:05.119 And that's when you can get creative, when all the drama's gone, when you're no longer up in arms about it in the moment, the assertiveness doesn't come with reactivity. 00:21:05.200 --> 00:21:14.720 Because when you're still processing the unfairness, you're still angry about it, you haven't acknowledged that yes, it's unfair, but I want this, the reactivity comes. 00:21:15.119 --> 00:21:20.000 And so again, I acknowledge the burden, that emotional burden that

women face. 00:21:20.319 --> 00:21:26.640 The fact that women have to figure out how do I go on this date and not get murdered at the end of the day, that's a whole burden. 00:21:26.799 --> 00:21:31.759 But if you're choosing to date, then we gotta take the time out to make sure that you're gonna be safe on that date. 00:21:31.920 --> 00:21:33.519 This is why women have to add grace on time. 00:21:33.839 --> 00:21:36.160 I think that's the that's my answer to that question. 00:21:36.480 --> 00:21:37.359 Thank you for that. 00:21:37.519 --> 00:21:38.079 Thank you. 00:21:38.240 --> 00:21:43.039 And Sade, so this is the question I wanted to ask you, right? 00:21:43.279 --> 00:21:43.920 Yes. 00:21:44.160 --> 00:21:59.599 Being gracefully assertive, making sure you're safe, choosing to navigate, knowing that the system, the structure is not always fair, it's not always right, but also therefore choosing to not. 00:22:00.400 --> 00:22:02.000 Be a doormat, right? 00:22:02.240 --> 00:22:07.440 Choosing to not always accommodate and please other people and put yourself last, right? 00:22:07.839 --> 00:22:14.640 And so choosing to create change in how you show up, how you engage, how you relate, how you communicate with other people. 00:22:14.720 --> 00:22:16.000 That's what I'm hearing, yeah. 00:22:16.240 --> 00:22:33.680 And so the question is what if you're like, I still have feelings for the people who liked me when I didn't make this conscious choice, when I didn't choose to navigate these unfair systems because I don't have to, but I choose. 00:22:33.839 --> 00:22:43.920 What if, take for example, you're interacting with an ex and you had a child with them, and you still have to engage with them, right? 00:22:44.079 --> 00:22:47.839 This is an experience that a lot of women, I'm sure you have direct experience, right? 00:22:48.000 --> 00:22:53.920 People knew you before you were conscious of this, before you made that conscious choice. 00:22:54.160 --> 00:22:56.240 What do you suggest for people like that? 00:22:56.559 --> 00:23:04.079 Yeah, so I have I've had many clients who've had exes who would manipulate shared parenting time, pickups, drop-offs, changing dates and times. 00:23:04.240 --> 00:23:04.559 Yeah. 00:23:04.799 --> 00:23:06.559 Generally creating chaos. 00:23:06.799 --> 00:23:07.440 Yeah. 00:23:07.920 --> 00:23:10.880 And I actually told the client this recently. 00:23:11.039 --> 00:23:18.079 I said, you know, you empowered him to behave in this way by accommodating this for the last 15 years. 00:23:18.480 --> 00:23:20.240 And that's gonna be so hard to hear. 00:23:20.319 --> 00:23:21.680 That's gonna be so hard to hear. 00:23:21.920 --> 00:23:24.480 Listen, my clients hate me. 00:23:24.720 --> 00:23:25.200 What? 00:23:25.599 --> 00:23:26.640 Hate me in that sense. 00:23:26.720 --> 00:23:30.319 It's just that this is what divorce looks like, right? 00:23:30.640 --> 00:23:34.480 You've been living this idyllic, what you thought was idyllic life for the last 10 years. 00:23:34.640 --> 00:23:37.680 Everything was fine in your mind because you were enabling your ex. 00:23:38.000 --> 00:23:40.880 And then suddenly everything goes complete for whatever reason. 00:23:40.960 --> 00:23:43.440 He cheats, he leaves, you leave, whatever. 00:23:43.599 --> 00:23:51.839 So now the woman has been in the habit of enabling and accommodating and minimizing the man's harm for 10 years. 00:23:52.000 --> 00:23:53.759 She is a pro at it. 00:23:54.000 --> 00:23:55.039 She was practicing. 00:23:55.279 --> 00:24:03.440 The man is accustomed to receiving all of this entitlement for the last 10, 15, in my case, 17 to 20 years really was my case. 00:24:03.599 --> 00:24:04.960 We were good at that dance. 00:24:05.039 --> 00:24:15.279 And now you're in the middle of a divorce, and the woman now has to set some boundaries or like she's making changes, or she has a coach like me, and I'm like, hey, he did this. 00:24:15.359 --> 00:24:25.599 You need to write a note to your attorney and have your attorney and her mind is just leaking out her left ear because she's never done anything like that. 00:24:25.759 --> 00:24:30.880 So of course the anxiety and the overwhelm, the fear of the consequences, the fear of getting into trouble. 00:24:30.960 --> 00:24:40.240 So I'm asking them to do things that they have suppressed for decades that are difficult to do, even if you're someone who's practiced in it. 00:24:40.400 --> 00:24:46.559 I'm asking them to do the hardest things, the things they have avoided doing for decades, and I'm asking them to do them now. 00:24:46.880 --> 00:24:49.279 So when I say my clients hate me, that's what I mean. 00:24:49.359 --> 00:24:56.799 It's in order to win your case, in order to get what you want, you're gonna have to do the thing you've been avoiding doing for so long. 00:24:56.960 --> 00:24:58.000 It's a lot, it's a lot. 00:24:58.160 --> 00:24:59.759 But that wasn't the answer to the question. 00:25:00.240 --> 00:25:08.799 In that situation, what I tell my clients is that we do a separation between them and the other person. 00:25:08.960 --> 00:25:15.200 So the big shift is individuation, is breaking the enmeshment. 00:25:15.279 --> 00:25:18.880 Like there's you and there's this other person. 00:25:19.839 --> 00:25:27.279 And we go over and over again so that they can see that they're not responsible for that person's thoughts, feelings, and actions. 00:25:27.680 --> 00:25:33.359 Once they can see that, well, he's gonna get mad if I do this thing that is the right thing. 00:25:33.680 --> 00:25:35.839 Yeah, why do you care if he gets mad? 00:25:36.000 --> 00:25:42.720 He's uh he's an adult over there feeling his emotions, let him handle his anger. 00:25:42.960 --> 00:25:49.599 Or I don't want to be mean, I don't want to file a contempt thing because I don't want to be mean to him. 00:25:49.920 --> 00:25:51.440 Is this the right thing for you? 00:25:51.599 --> 00:25:52.799 Is this the right thing for your child? 00:25:52.880 --> 00:26:02.319 So if they can create that space, or he's not cooperating, they think that they're doing something, they need to do something in a certain way to get him to cooperate. 00:26:02.400 --> 00:26:03.359 No, that's not your job. 00:26:03.519 --> 00:26:08.319 He's an adult, and you're over here trying to get the right thing for you and your children. 00:26:08.480 --> 00:26:17.039 So the goal for the woman in relationships is to see, and I think society, we we create this image of relationships at the woman. 00:26:17.599 --> 00:26:23.599 The we is one human being, the family is a we, there's one human. 00:26:23.759 --> 00:26:25.599 No, there's separate humans in there. 00:26:25.680 --> 00:26:29.839 You're just all in the same house or you're all in the same car or whatever. 00:26:30.000 --> 00:26:32.319 There is no actual human we. 00:26:32.480 --> 00:26:46.160 So seeing that you're different from your ex or you're different from this person that you're dating can really help to say, okay, I don't need I could I don't need to accommodate to help that other person. 00:26:46.319 --> 00:26:54.000 I can just interact with them based on my values, my discernment, what I know is right and what I am asking for. 00:26:54.319 --> 00:27:01.119 And toss it over the fence and let them figure out what to do with the ball when it's on their side of the fence. 00:27:02.880 --> 00:27:06.319 Thank you for joining me today on Risky Conversations. 00:27:06.480 --> 00:27:11.519 Remember, everything worthwhile is on the other side of a risky conversation. 00:27:11.680 --> 00:27:15.920 And when done well, your self-advocacy becomes an act of service. 00:27:16.160 --> 00:27:26.960 If you're ready to de-risk your own career evolution, I invite you to book a free hour-long consultation at jmecoach.com slash apply. 00:27:27.359 --> 00:27:33.440 J A N I E L E E C O A C H dot com slash apply. 00:27:34.000 --> 00:27:40.319 We'll map out your custom blueprint to confidence and get you on the path to being better paid on your own terms. 00:27:40.559 --> 00:27:45.200 Let's make your next conversation the one that changes everything. 00:27:45.440 --> 00:27:46.640 Talk soon.