บทถอดความฉบับเต็มของ Ep. 1 - First Night Alone

00:05:17.519 Like I wasn't going anywhere, I was just going up and down aisles and killing time. 00:05:17.519 --> 00:05:21.600 And I I realized I was avoiding going back to my apartment. 00:05:21.600 --> 00:05:25.600 From the time that I moved in, you know, somebody was here with me at all times. 00:05:25.600 --> 00:05:27.839 Like it felt filled. 00:05:27.839 --> 00:05:31.600 And then after I dropped them off, I realized I'm gonna be going home to an empty house. 00:05:31.600 --> 00:05:35.040 And I think that that realization kind of slowly crept in. 00:05:35.040 --> 00:05:37.120 I hadn't really thought too much about that. 00:05:37.120 --> 00:05:42.079 I I I kind of like mustered up enough strength to like, okay, I'm gonna get what I need from the store. 00:05:42.079 --> 00:05:44.639 I'm gonna get out of here, I'm gonna go home. 00:05:44.639 --> 00:05:46.399 Um, I've got my dog waiting for me. 00:05:46.399 --> 00:05:48.959 He's probably, you know, he's he's sad too. 00:05:48.959 --> 00:05:52.480 Uh there's a lot of changes going on for him as well. 00:05:52.480 --> 00:05:57.040 Um, you know, he's pretty close with the kids and they're not gonna be here all the time. 00:05:57.040 --> 00:06:03.680 Not only that, but our other dog, Lizzie, is staying with my wife and he hasn't seen her all weekend. 00:06:03.680 --> 00:06:09.199 And I don't think he's ever really been away from her since the time he was a small puppy. 00:06:09.199 --> 00:06:15.040 You know, even when we travel out of town or go somewhere and they get boarded, like they're always together. 00:06:15.040 --> 00:06:16.959 So that's hard for him as well. 00:06:16.959 --> 00:06:27.360 Uh, but yeah, I wanted to, I wanted to get home and make sure that he was okay and you know, not be having such a public breakdown, I guess. 00:06:27.360 --> 00:06:34.480 Um, at least be where I I felt comfortable to to go through whatever it was that I needed to go through. 00:06:34.480 --> 00:06:40.160 Um, I mean, even pulling into the house, uh, I've got a so I say apartment, but it's a town home. 00:06:40.160 --> 00:06:42.319 I do I have a garage on the back of it. 00:06:42.319 --> 00:06:52.079 I I pulled in and I I still could I couldn't tur get myself to turn the car off and walk inside because I knew that there wasn't going to be anybody there to greet me. 00:06:52.079 --> 00:06:56.079 And that was it was just hard. 00:06:56.079 --> 00:06:58.160 Um I wrestled with that for a bit. 00:06:58.160 --> 00:07:08.480 I finally got inside, you know, like let Finn out of his kennel, and I just collapsed on my kitchen floor. 00:07:08.480 --> 00:07:14.160 I I didn't start cooking my dinner, I didn't start putting I didn't even put things away. 00:07:14.160 --> 00:07:16.959 I just collapsed there and sat on the ground. 00:07:16.959 --> 00:07:33.199 Finn got up in my lap and I just had a had the first, I guess, good cry that I had had in a while, um, just sitting there petting my dog, and I was in no rush to to do

anything else. 00:07:33.199 --> 00:08:08.240 So I took my time and uh you know it helped a lot, but I was I was missing my kids, I was missing my home, and for a moment there I you know I was worried that I wasn't in the right place, but I let myself feel that, and I you know, I eventually got the strength to get up, put my groceries away, I took Finn for a short walk, I cooked myself dinner, which is a weird thing, by the way. 00:08:08.240 --> 00:08:11.199 Like I am so used to cooking for a family. 00:08:11.199 --> 00:08:19.279 The thought of cooking a portion for a single person is such a foreign thing to me. 00:08:19.279 --> 00:08:24.399 I mean, even when I do cook for myself, typically I overcook because someone's gonna eat leftovers. 00:08:24.399 --> 00:08:28.480 Like, I'm not not looking to feed in an army right now. 00:08:28.480 --> 00:08:31.680 So it was a strange it was a strange thing. 00:08:31.680 --> 00:08:43.120 Yeah, I I I cooked dinner, I cleaned up, and you know, I I'm really I'm determined to kind of keep bad habits behind me and start building anew. 00:08:43.120 --> 00:08:50.159 And a lot of that is just you know, I I said that I had gone to the grocery store to get stuff to cook myself dinner. 00:08:50.159 --> 00:08:52.080 I almost gave up even before that point. 00:08:52.080 --> 00:09:02.399 When I when I left my old home and I left my kids there, I just I you know I I hadn't really eaten anything and I was hungry and I knew that I needed to eat. 00:09:02.399 --> 00:09:06.000 I almost stopped and just got McDonald's. 00:09:06.000 --> 00:09:09.600 Even though I knew that I would regret that, I knew that I didn't want that. 00:09:09.600 --> 00:09:15.519 I actually pulled into the McDonald's parking lot and I was I had to tell myself, like, what the fuck are you doing? 00:09:15.519 --> 00:09:19.039 You are going through this major life change. 00:09:19.039 --> 00:09:29.600 You have been so determined to do things differently, to reset yourself, to build better habits, to be the best version of yourself that you can be. 00:09:29.600 --> 00:09:40.000 And you're pulling into a McDonald's, taking the easy route just because you are feeling too much in this moment to go home and cook. 00:09:40.000 --> 00:09:44.639 So I left and I went and got groceries, and I already told you that. 00:09:44.639 --> 00:09:46.240 But eventually I do make it home. 00:09:46.240 --> 00:09:47.440 I do cook for myself. 00:09:47.440 --> 00:09:50.320 It was fucking weird, but it was also delicious. 00:09:50.320 --> 00:10:01.519 As I finished eating, you know, I went and sat on the couch with my dog, and I turned the TV on, thinking like, oh, maybe I'll I'll fill the rest of the night with watching some TV. 00:10:01.519 --> 00:10:08.720 And I got about four minutes into a show that I'd been putting off watching that I've been wanting to. 00:10:08.720 --> 00:10:11.600 And I just I I was my mind was elsewhere. 00:10:11.600 --> 00:10:12.720 I couldn't focus on it.

00:10:12.720 --> 00:10:14.480 It's not what I wanted to be doing. 00:10:14.480 --> 00:10:23.200 So I started getting into all of the shit that I haven't unpacked, got the mic out, and you know, here we are. 00:10:23.200 --> 00:10:25.600 I've been planning on relaunching this podcast. 00:10:25.600 --> 00:10:36.720 Oh, I say relaunch, this is a premiere, um, but it is kind of a spiritual successor to my previous podcast, Cupful, uh, which was all about fulfillment and filling your cup. 00:10:36.720 --> 00:10:40.639 This is this is us doing what we have to to refill. 00:10:40.639 --> 00:10:42.240 This is about survival. 00:10:42.240 --> 00:10:46.000 This is about just really polishing yourself. 00:10:46.000 --> 00:10:57.600 But you know, now now that I've kind of given myself this time to to to feel that little pity party and um struggle to, you know, do the next thing that I need to do. 00:10:57.600 --> 00:11:00.879 I'm looking back on this weekend and I mean it wasn't all bad. 00:11:00.879 --> 00:11:03.759 Like I I had a great time with my kids. 00:11:03.759 --> 00:11:06.960 I I love getting one-on-one time with them. 00:11:06.960 --> 00:11:16.799 And I didn't have to worry so much about what everybody else wanted to do, or um, I kind of just said, like, hey kids, like let's let's go do this, and we would do that. 00:11:16.799 --> 00:11:25.279 And um, you know, it kind of gave me a little a little taste of you know, like what living where I am is potentially gonna be like. 00:11:25.279 --> 00:11:31.679 Earlier today, we got Finn uh all leashed up and we took him for a long walk. 00:11:31.679 --> 00:11:40.960 And what's nice about the place that I'm at is it is walkable into the downtown area of where I live, and I've never really had that before. 00:11:40.960 --> 00:11:43.279 Finn's never really had this before. 00:11:43.279 --> 00:11:51.440 We we take him on the occasional walk, but for whatever reason, around our neighborhood, especially when we're walking both dogs, he's awful at walking. 00:11:51.440 --> 00:11:56.159 So I I was hesitant to do that, but we did it. 00:11:56.159 --> 00:11:58.480 We we took him out, took him for a long walk. 00:11:58.480 --> 00:12:04.240 We went through like a little nature trail that's right near my apartment, walked him into the downtown area. 00:12:04.240 --> 00:12:09.759 I was worried that he was gonna be barking at everybody that passed, but he was super just chill. 00:12:09.759 --> 00:12:17.519 The only time that we really had any issues with him, there was a little puppy that passed us that was started barking at him, so he reacted. 00:12:17.519 --> 00:12:20.240 Of and I was expecting that to happen. 00:12:20.240 --> 00:12:22.159 But overall, like it went great. 00:12:22.159 --> 00:12:37.440 Like the kids they they loved kind of getting to walk from home into our town, and um, they were talking about all the places that were around that we could walk to to like get dinners, to go get ice cream, uh, to just

play in the park, to do all these things. 00:12:37.440 --> 00:12:40.960 And I was starting to think, like, yeah, like we're gonna be able to do all of these things. 00:12:40.960 --> 00:12:42.559 Like, that's that's awesome. 00:12:42.559 --> 00:12:51.759 Like these are you know, they can this is different from you know, like what we would typically do maybe on a on a weekend, but this is not worse. 00:12:51.759 --> 00:12:56.240 Like, this is gonna be different, but it could potentially be better. 00:12:56.240 --> 00:13:00.559 So it was comforting to find those little joys this weekend again. 00:13:00.559 --> 00:13:06.399 It's not that I had a bad weekend, it was just different, and that's what I'm gonna have to get used to. 00:13:06.399 --> 00:13:14.480 But I think that there's an opportunity there for me to really make it something special, and that's what I'm aiming for. 00:13:14.480 --> 00:13:15.919 But that's where I am tonight. 00:13:15.919 --> 00:13:28.240 You know, I I dropped the kids off and I, you know, I realized I'm not just I'm not just adjusting to this new life, but I'm I'm learning how to exist in my own company again, which is such a weird concept, you know. 00:13:28.240 --> 00:13:39.200 For years and years and years, I've I've worked, I've been a husband, I've been a dad, I've been a homeowner, like I do all of these things for other people gladly. 00:13:39.200 --> 00:13:40.879 I I'm not complaining about that. 00:13:40.879 --> 00:13:43.279 Like I love being there for the people that I love. 00:13:43.279 --> 00:13:45.840 And that's not to say that I don't take time for myself too. 00:13:45.840 --> 00:13:55.039 Like, I I do things that I want to do, like, and I I play video games, I watch TV, I probably not painting the best picture of my life. 00:13:55.039 --> 00:14:04.399 It is strange realizing that you have to exist in your own company and be okay with that. 00:14:04.399 --> 00:14:14.720 And that's kind of where again I've I've been planning this podcast for a good while, but I just haven't had the energy to pull the trigger on it yet. 00:14:14.720 --> 00:14:20.000 And there's been so much going on in my life, like I just wasn't ready, and I kept postponing it, and I kept postponing it. 00:14:20.000 --> 00:14:24.320 Um, but I finally hit a point tonight where I was like, fuck it, let's let's do this. 00:14:24.320 --> 00:14:26.480 I I feel like I need someone to talk to. 00:14:26.480 --> 00:14:32.559 Who better than myself, and potentially anybody else that's listening to this. 00:14:32.559 --> 00:14:36.879 So I I feel like that that ties into the theme of this podcast pretty nicely. 00:14:36.879 --> 00:14:40.879 You know, I'm I'm figuring out who I am when nobody else is around. 00:14:40.879 --> 00:14:47.120 And and there's a difference between being alone and being lonely. 00:14:47.120 --> 00:14:57.679 Um, and I'm sure that I'm going to kind of experience both of those over and over again, especially for the next couple of weeks to months. 00:14:57.679 --> 00:15:00.960 Right now, I'm both. 00:15:00.960 --> 00:15:06.799 Like I've I've felt lonely for a while, but I've never been alone. 00:15:06.799 --> 00:15:08.960 I've always had my family there. 00:15:08.960 --> 00:15:12.159 And tonight, especially, like I'm I'm missing the kids so much. 00:15:12.159 --> 00:15:15.360 Like I am both physically alone and lonely. 00:15:15.360 --> 00:15:17.279 And that's okay. 00:15:17.279 --> 00:15:22.320 I just have to adjust and figure out what I do. 00:15:22.320 --> 00:15:23.919 Who am I? 00:15:23.919 --> 00:15:32.879 Imagine that this is an opportunity for me to build new habits and really just make a lot of the changes that I always talk about making, but I don't quite get around to. 00:15:32.879 --> 00:15:38.240 Um, so I think what's kind of cool about that is that you know not knowing what your habits are yet. 00:15:38.240 --> 00:15:54.720 Uh if you can put yourself in a situation where you almost break some of your old bad habits out of necessity, or I guess you know, you're not really given any any option but to break those habits, it does make it a little easier to to build new ones. 00:15:54.720 --> 00:16:19.600 And I'm figuring out what that is, but I think tonight I did I determined that, you know, even if it's just for myself, like cooking a little meal for just myself was a good habit, and better than me just feeling bad for myself and eating McDonald's to just give myself a quick, easy solution to something that has nothing to do with what I'm putting in my stomach. 00:16:19.600 --> 00:16:27.519 I think another thing, uh, which I'm nowhere close to being ready for this yet, but is it's it's building new routines. 00:16:27.519 --> 00:16:48.639 Um, obviously, I kind of got in a little bit of a flow with things over the weekend, but a lot of that was spent moving things from home to home, um, trying to just shower the kids with things to do and conversation so that they didn't feel as alone as I was worried that they would. 00:16:48.639 --> 00:16:55.840 Unpacking things, building furniture, going to the stores over and over again. 00:16:55.840 --> 00:16:59.600 Made so many target trips this weekend. 00:16:59.600 --> 00:17:02.080 But tomorrow is gonna be different. 00:17:02.080 --> 00:17:12.240 I I feel like it's gonna be the first day that I I'm really starting to grasp an actual routine that doesn't just revolve around getting moved in. 00:17:12.240 --> 00:17:22.960 I'm very thankful that I have a co-parent that wants the kids to be with me just as much as they are with her, and she understands the importance of having both parents and the kids' lives. 00:17:22.960 --> 00:17:36.160 And since I work remotely and, you know, she has to go in to work fairly early, uh, starting tomorrow, she's gonna be dropping the kids off in the mornings uh for me to kind of stick with their morning routine and like getting them to school and everything. 00:17:36.160 --> 00:17:39.839 So

there's aspects of my life that are gonna stay the same. 00:17:39.839 --> 00:17:41.279 They just might look a little different. 00:17:41.279 --> 00:17:53.599 But you know, getting them to school in the morning, uh work, uh going back to work tomorrow, that is gonna feel very different in a new location. 00:17:53.599 --> 00:17:55.359 We'll we'll see how it goes. 00:17:55.359 --> 00:18:00.960 I am thinking that I'm going to be overly productive tomorrow, like more so than usual. 00:18:00.960 --> 00:18:12.160 Not because I'm not productive typically, but just because like I'm I feel like I'm just gonna be like working my ass off to fill this void or to pass time or to kind of take my mind off of things and distract. 00:18:12.160 --> 00:18:14.319 So uh we'll see how it goes. 00:18:14.319 --> 00:18:20.079 Um, another thing that I have to kind of figure out is just like what is my routine with Finn, my dog? 00:18:20.079 --> 00:18:31.119 I mean, he is so used to just having a backyard that I can open a door and let him and him and Lizzie out into, and they they can just run around for as long as they want, and then they scratch the door to come back in. 00:18:31.119 --> 00:18:32.400 Can't do that anymore. 00:18:32.400 --> 00:18:34.960 I've got to walk him every time he needs to use the bathroom. 00:18:34.960 --> 00:18:37.359 And I don't just take him outside to use the bathroom. 00:18:37.359 --> 00:18:43.200 I mean, we've been doing pretty consistent walks all weekend, and I hope to keep that up throughout the week. 00:18:43.200 --> 00:18:54.640 Even when things get busy, I want to be intentional about making sure that uh this little fat ass is uh I'm talking about my dog, not me, but I could also, you know, probably lose a few pounds. 00:18:54.640 --> 00:19:04.559 Um, but that we're getting outside and and we're walking and not just staying in this apartment feeling sad because you know, our people aren't here. 00:19:04.559 --> 00:19:13.680 So I think I think that gives you enough context around kind of uh what's going on and and where I'm at in my life right now and kind of what the purpose of this podcast is. 00:19:13.680 --> 00:19:21.440 But now I want to focus on, you know, like what happens next, not just with the podcast, but with with my personal life. 00:19:21.440 --> 00:19:26.880 Like what are some of the things that I'm you know really looking to to focus on as of right now? 00:19:26.880 --> 00:19:30.640 It's spring, almost early summer time. 00:19:30.640 --> 00:19:32.400 Uh kids are gonna be out of school. 00:19:32.400 --> 00:19:42.640 Like I'm trying to figure out, like, obviously I'll have them for a lot of the time and I'll do lots of fun, crazy things with them, but what do I do when I don't have them aside from work? 00:19:42.640 --> 00:19:47.119 I had to to back out of a a trip to Europe this summer. 00:19:47.119 --> 00:19:56.559 And though I'm I doubt that I'm going to be going to Europe this summer, I think at the end of the summer I

would like to do some kind of domestic trip uh here in the US. 00:19:56.559 --> 00:19:58.240 Maybe go out west somewhere. 00:19:58.240 --> 00:19:59.599 I really want to see mountains. 00:19:59.599 --> 00:20:01.119 I would love to kayak. 00:20:01.119 --> 00:20:02.319 Uh that's another thing. 00:20:02.319 --> 00:20:17.839 Uh I've been I love kayaking, and for the last several years, like I've I keep talking about getting one for myself, but I I haven't done so because the logistics of that really do get hard when you've got multiple people multiple people in your family who also would like to do so. 00:20:17.839 --> 00:20:26.400 So, I mean, i if I if I have the opportunity to just get a kayak and take it out on the river by myself once in a while, why not do that? 00:20:26.400 --> 00:20:28.640 I think that's something that I would I would really love to do. 00:20:28.640 --> 00:20:31.279 And we'll talk about that more in a later episode. 00:20:31.279 --> 00:20:43.119 But also, um, you know, I'm I'm looking to to strengthen old friendships, people that, you know, maybe I haven't necessarily fallen out of contact with, but I I don't talk with them as much because, you know, life gets busy. 00:20:43.119 --> 00:20:48.079 But even though life is still going to be busy, I am gonna have more free time. 00:20:48.079 --> 00:20:55.440 And I would like to focus more on, you know, like rebuilding those friendships, but also building new ones, meeting new people. 00:20:55.440 --> 00:21:03.119 I'm not the most social person in the world, but I would like to kind of push myself to to do better. 00:21:03.119 --> 00:21:10.319 I also want to get back to doing things that I haven't made time for, like music, playing my guitar. 00:21:10.319 --> 00:21:19.440 Like that's I used to spend hours every single day just playing my guitar or singing or doing things like that, and I just don't anymore. 00:21:19.440 --> 00:21:21.440 And I don't know why I stopped. 00:21:21.440 --> 00:21:26.720 I really don't understand why I stopped, and I want to get back to it. 00:21:26.720 --> 00:21:34.799 I'm sure there's a lot of other lapsed hobbies or uh just interests of mine that I'll probably try to get back into. 00:21:34.799 --> 00:21:35.759 Who knows? 00:21:35.759 --> 00:21:54.480 Um, a big part of this podcast is getting people to talk with me about the things that they're into and how they've reshaped their life and changes they've gone through and maybe things they've discovered that they didn't think that they would have any interest in, but now it's a huge part of their life. 00:21:54.480 --> 00:21:57.200 I don't know, there's a lot of different directions that can go in. 00:21:57.200 --> 00:22:16.319 But going back to A common theme and something that I've I've brought up several times in this episode so far is you know like what do I actually enjoy when I'm choosing for myself when I don't have to worry about what the kids want to do, what I when I don't have to worry about what my wife wants to do, it's just me. 00:22:16.319 --> 00:22:17.839 What how do I want to spend that time? 00:22:17.839 --> 00:22:20.640 Do I want to sit here watching TV? 00:22:20.640 --> 00:22:24.240 Or do I want to fucking start a podcast? 00:22:24.240 --> 00:22:29.519 And I well, I mean obviously you see where where I went this this particular evening. 00:22:29.519 --> 00:22:34.960 Not every evening will probably end up this way, but I'd like to see what other things I fill that time with. 00:22:34.960 --> 00:22:40.240 And hopefully I can look back on it and and not have any regrets over how I chose to spend that time. 00:22:40.240 --> 00:22:44.880 But I I don't I don't want to take away from future episodes too much. 00:22:44.880 --> 00:22:53.599 Uh so we'll get into more details with with some of the things that I I would like to do later on as we talk with other people about what they're doing. 00:22:53.599 --> 00:23:06.319 I just really wanted to to use this as a starting point to to launch this, to put pressure on myself to to get back in the saddle, as they say, and fucking do the podcasting. 00:23:06.319 --> 00:23:16.640 So future episodes are gonna explore how other people refill their lives after change, and you'll get little little nuggets of my life in there as well. 00:23:16.640 --> 00:23:19.920 Again, I'm not going to spill a bunch of tea here. 00:23:19.920 --> 00:23:21.839 It's not the purpose of this podcast. 00:23:21.839 --> 00:23:26.559 If you want that, you have to buy me a drink, or seven of them. 00:23:26.559 --> 00:23:33.680 But we're gonna focus on conversations with friends, guests, maybe people that I haven't met before. 00:23:33.680 --> 00:23:38.559 And I don't know, people navigating reinvention in different ways. 00:23:38.559 --> 00:23:57.200 We'll probably talk about creativity, fatherhood, identity, friendships, routines, starting over, like I don't know, I have all these things in my mind that are very much tied to where my focus is, but I also want to hear about the shit that other people have going on and how that shaped what they're into. 00:23:57.200 --> 00:24:00.720 How that shaped how they fill their cup. 00:24:00.720 --> 00:24:05.119 Maybe it's something that they've they've lost and they're looking to refill it. 00:24:05.119 --> 00:24:17.119 You know, I I I don't I don't know exactly what this next season of my life looks like yet, but tonight I felt like the first small step toward finding out, and I'm excited to take that journey with you. 00:24:17.119 --> 00:24:19.759 Thank you for taking the time to listen to me. 00:24:19.759 --> 00:24:37.440 I'm really excited for what I I think that this podcast can be, and I'm looking forward to kind of just pushing myself out there and having these conversations and hopefully providing you with something that you want to listen to, or at least something that's good for killing some time and having on in the background. 00:24:37.440 --> 00:24:41.519 This has been the pilot episode of the Refill Podcast. 00:24:41.519 --> 00:24:43.279 I am your host, Justin Tyler. 00:24:43.279 --> 00:24:44.640 Thank you so much.