บทถอดความฉบับเต็มของ S01 EP31: Jen Brister

She's done it. She's done all those parties. And they 82 00:03:30.379 --> 00:03:33.900 were fine. But I normally always work weekends. But the 83 00:03:33.939 --> 00:03:36.860 issue here is, Josh, I've done a lot of playdates 84 00:03:36.900 --> 00:03:38.900 in my time. I'm sure you have as well. But 85 00:03:38.919 --> 00:03:41.039 I'm on to be second kid now. There's a lot 86 00:03:41.080 --> 00:03:44.759 at play here. The issues are, one, our children don't 87 00:03:44.800 --> 00:03:46.620 get on. That could be a problem. They just don't 88 00:03:46.659 --> 00:03:48.840 like each other and fight. The other issue could be 89 00:03:49.120 --> 00:03:51.340 my kid or your kid could be quite badly behaved 90 00:03:51.409 --> 00:03:53.250 and neither of us pick up on it properly. And 91 00:03:53.289 --> 00:03:55.889 then the other parent get annoyed and then you slag 92 00:03:55.909 --> 00:03:58.150 me off on the way home through the Blackwall Tunnel. 93 00:03:58.189 --> 00:03:58.969 That's another option. 94 00:03:58.990 --> 00:03:59.889 Or a different podcast. 95 00:04:00.789 --> 00:04:04.030 Yeah, exactly. So it's actually quite precarious. But I think 96 00:04:04.270 --> 00:04:06.469 we're honest enough to talk about it rather than just 97 00:04:07.050 --> 00:04:08.770 because we can't avoid another play date. 98 00:04:09.050 --> 00:04:11.889 Because the thing is, Rob, whatever happens, it's content. That's 99 00:04:11.930 --> 00:04:13.449 the way we've got to view it. 100 00:04:13.490 --> 00:04:13.830 Yeah. 101 00:04:14.550 --> 00:04:17.980 If anything, today's tax deductible. That's the main way I'm 102 00:04:18.019 --> 00:04:18.439 viewing it. 103 00:04:18.879 --> 00:04:21.819 Yeah, I bought some pizzas. I could claim that back. 104 00:04:23.100 --> 00:04:24.500 You could claim that back, mate. 105 00:04:24.740 --> 00:04:26.839 So how are you feeling? How's your daughter with new people? 106 00:04:27.139 --> 00:04:30.660 So she's excellent at nursery. She's full of confidence at nursery. 107 00:04:31.029 --> 00:04:34.310 but she's absolutely terrible with strangers. 108 00:04:34.610 --> 00:04:35.149 Yes. 109 00:04:35.470 --> 00:04:38.870 So I think she's going to just stick to Rose. 110 00:04:38.889 --> 00:04:39.769 Sit on your lap for an hour. 111 00:04:39.800 --> 00:04:40.250 Yeah. 112 00:04:40.269 --> 00:04:42.240 That's classic. Sit on your lap for an hour and 113 00:04:42.259 --> 00:04:44.399 you're just thinking like, you're all going like, yeah, but 114 00:04:44.420 --> 00:04:47.139 she's normally fun. Don't worry. She's fine normally. She's a 115 00:04:47.139 --> 00:04:49.279 great laugh. She's really good fun. And then just sit 116 00:04:49.300 --> 00:04:50.480 on your lap and in your head, you're going, get 117 00:04:50.500 --> 00:04:53.629 off my lap and do something. You look pathetic. Come on. 118 00:04:53.750 --> 00:04:57.089 We had this, the first kiddie kicks back. So obviously 119 00:04:57.129 --> 00:05:00.540 kiddie kicks back. like the Premier League, had a COVID-related break. 120 00:05:00.680 --> 00:05:03.930 But now Project Restart has meant that Kiddie Kicks is back. 121 00:05:03.949 --> 00:05:06.449 Ah, it's back. But your Kiddie Kicks in East London, 122 00:05:06.850 --> 00:05:09.490 is it like hipster Kiddie Kicks or is it East 123 00:05:09.529 --> 00:05:12.379 London Kiddie Kicks? What vibe is it? A bit of both? 124 00:05:12.620 --> 00:05:13.660 It's a bit of both. 125 00:05:13.819 --> 00:05:16.720 A couple of St. Pauli kits, a couple of Hamburg kits, 126 00:05:17.060 --> 00:05:18.779 and then like full Chelsea. 127 00:05:18.819 --> 00:05:20.649 There is a full Chelsea kit. 128 00:05:20.670 --> 00:05:23.569 There's always a full Chelsea kit and an over-eager dad 129 00:05:23.810 --> 00:05:26.589 with a Chelsea badge tattooed on his calf at every 130 00:05:26.649 --> 00:05:29.509 kiddie kit, and he ruins it for everyone. Get stuck 131 00:05:29.629 --> 00:05:30.290 in Siena. 132 00:05:30.470 --> 00:05:31.110 Do her, Siena. 133 00:05:31.129 --> 00:05:33.459 Do her. Come on. 134 00:05:33.500 --> 00:05:35.600 Last week, there was two parents just kicking a ball 135 00:05:35.639 --> 00:05:38.699 to each other. And I was like, where's their kid? 136 00:05:38.740 --> 00:05:40.379 And then I looked, and their kid was hid behind 137 00:05:40.420 --> 00:05:42.060 a tree about 50 yards away. 138 00:05:42.120 --> 00:05:42.339 Yeah. 139 00:05:43.490 --> 00:05:45.250 So you've got kiddie kicks and then you're coming round. 140 00:05:45.310 --> 00:05:47.629 Well, no, I think we're going to forgo kiddie kicks 141 00:05:47.660 --> 00:05:50.660 today because we don't want to put too big pressure. 142 00:05:50.720 --> 00:05:52.160 So the first kiddie kicks back. 143 00:05:52.620 --> 00:05:52.819 Yeah. 144 00:05:52.920 --> 00:05:55.899 She basically, she didn't want to do it for 35 minutes. 145 00:05:55.920 --> 00:05:58.079 And then she kind of, you know, the bit at 146 00:05:58.139 --> 00:06:00.379 the end where, well, I don't know if they did 147 00:06:00.420 --> 00:06:02.860 this when you went, but there's like, everyone will line 148 00:06:02.920 --> 00:06:04.379 up and then they'll dribble the ball and then they'll 149 00:06:04.399 --> 00:06:07.529 score a goal. Yeah. And you basically, she was so reluctant. 150 00:06:07.569 --> 00:06:09.250 We had to kind of swing her like a kind 151 00:06:09.269 --> 00:06:11.629 of croquet mallet to score the... Oh, yeah. 152 00:06:11.649 --> 00:06:17.500 Yeah. With her Predators on, crying. 153 00:06:17.899 --> 00:06:20.259 So she didn't enjoy the first kid he kicks back. 154 00:06:20.699 --> 00:06:24.550 So I'd say she's not great with the unfamiliar. Yeah, 155 00:06:24.569 --> 00:06:25.569 I don't want to double her up. 156 00:06:25.709 --> 00:06:27.529 Also, you've got to drive south of the river in 157 00:06:27.550 --> 00:06:29.589 your new car. I'm sure that is... Oh, well, I'll 158 00:06:29.610 --> 00:06:30.670 tell you about

it. Is that stressing you out? 159 00:06:30.870 --> 00:06:33.290 Well, I tell you what happened last time. So we 160 00:06:33.310 --> 00:06:35.410 drove on my... Oh, we went to the dentist, actually. 161 00:06:35.490 --> 00:06:38.069 And that was fine. But then she watched the iPad 162 00:06:38.089 --> 00:06:39.949 or whatever it was. But anyway, she watched that the 163 00:06:39.970 --> 00:06:41.829 whole way home. And then she threw up when she 164 00:06:41.850 --> 00:06:44.870 got out of the car. Oh. Travel sick, first time. 165 00:06:45.050 --> 00:06:47.069 The best travel sick I've ever had, because I've got 166 00:06:47.089 --> 00:06:50.750 a sliding scale, was when the eldest wasn't very well, 167 00:06:50.829 --> 00:06:53.110 didn't eat anything all day, but we gave her some Haribo, 168 00:06:53.149 --> 00:06:54.629 because she wanted it, and it was like a bit 169 00:06:54.649 --> 00:06:55.959 of sugar to perk her up, and then she had 170 00:06:55.980 --> 00:06:58.040 a bottle of water. So on the way home, she 171 00:06:58.060 --> 00:07:01.060 was sick, and it was just sugar water. My car 172 00:07:01.079 --> 00:07:04.939 smelled incredible. It was just Haribo and water. I was like, 173 00:07:05.000 --> 00:07:07.990 this is unbelievable. I was like, she's quite enjoyable. I 174 00:07:08.009 --> 00:07:09.670 don't even feel I need to clear it out. I 175 00:07:09.670 --> 00:07:11.910 think she's done as a favourite. It smells great. 176 00:07:12.589 --> 00:07:15.009 Well, it wasn't like that. So she threw up a 177 00:07:15.069 --> 00:07:19.509 combination of Pret mac and cheese and watermelon. 178 00:07:19.800 --> 00:07:21.740 What? You are breeding a hipster already. 179 00:07:21.980 --> 00:07:22.540 What, Pret? 180 00:07:22.860 --> 00:07:24.899 Media elite. That's what it is. Give me a kiss 181 00:07:25.199 --> 00:07:25.680 on it, Pret. 182 00:07:25.699 --> 00:07:25.939 Oh, sorry. 183 00:07:26.000 --> 00:07:27.420 What should I have done? Taken her to Greg's? 184 00:07:30.459 --> 00:07:32.660 I don't know. 185 00:07:32.860 --> 00:07:35.379 Also, you sent a message. I've not seen this done before, Josh, 186 00:07:35.399 --> 00:07:38.350 where you said, Can you send a message of the 187 00:07:38.389 --> 00:07:40.970 girl saying hello to my daughter so she knows who 188 00:07:40.990 --> 00:07:43.230 she's going around to see? It's quite a good idea, 189 00:07:43.269 --> 00:07:44.350 but I've never thought of it before. 190 00:07:44.550 --> 00:07:47.949 Well, she likes videos of other children. Yeah. So she 191 00:07:47.990 --> 00:07:50.709 likes watching that. And I just thought it would kind 192 00:07:50.750 --> 00:07:52.839 of plant the seed as to who she was going 193 00:07:52.899 --> 00:07:53.300 to see. 194 00:07:53.399 --> 00:07:54.899 I felt it was a bit like online dating. 195 00:07:54.920 --> 00:08:00.649 What about kids? Yeah, she's chosen one of the two 196 00:08:00.670 --> 00:08:01.629 that she likes, Rob. 197 00:08:01.670 --> 00:08:04.029 Yeah, sorry, that she actually wants to be friends with 198 00:08:04.050 --> 00:08:05.860 the youngest. So you go over there and play with 199 00:08:05.879 --> 00:08:09.620 your toys. But it worked, though, because they were excited 200 00:08:09.639 --> 00:08:10.060 to see it. 201 00:08:10.120 --> 00:08:12.220 Yeah, it was a great old message. 202 00:08:12.639 --> 00:08:14.819 They're full on, aren't they, Josh? Did you get that 203 00:08:14.839 --> 00:08:15.180 from the message? 204 00:08:15.199 --> 00:08:17.600 Yeah, do you know what? If anything, I thought the 205 00:08:17.639 --> 00:08:21.279 video actually set her back in terms of confidence already. 206 00:08:21.750 --> 00:08:24.850 Well, the problem with mine is, one, they're genetically related 207 00:08:24.870 --> 00:08:28.970 to me, which is the volume and the annoying vibe. 208 00:08:29.310 --> 00:08:32.149 But also, we've had builders in our house for, like, 209 00:08:32.750 --> 00:08:35.009 since the younger... So, like, about four years on and off, 210 00:08:35.330 --> 00:08:38.350 we've had builders and someone... Because when you get loads, like, 211 00:08:38.429 --> 00:08:40.990 a house done, they're always coming back for snagging and stuff. 212 00:08:41.009 --> 00:08:42.789 And then we've had the garden done. So, we've basically 213 00:08:42.809 --> 00:08:44.490 had builders in and out of our house the last 214 00:08:44.549 --> 00:08:48.070 four years. So, they've got the confidence of, like... an 215 00:08:48.129 --> 00:08:50.610 apprentice on a building site. It's got all the people 216 00:08:50.690 --> 00:08:52.789 coming out. Hello, you all right? And they're like, hello, mate, 217 00:08:52.879 --> 00:08:55.600 how's it going? They're like doing things, you know, like 218 00:08:55.840 --> 00:08:58.240 cutting bags of cement over their head, getting them to 219 00:08:58.279 --> 00:09:00.179 kick stuff that's already cemented in the ground, all that 220 00:09:00.220 --> 00:09:03.240 kind of stuff. So they're very confident in their own house. 221 00:09:03.259 --> 00:09:05.120 They go a bit shy. If we come to your house, 222 00:09:05.139 --> 00:09:07.059 they'd be a bit shy and a bit grabbing our leg. 223 00:09:07.340 --> 00:09:08.940 But in our own house, they're just so used to 224 00:09:08.960 --> 00:09:11.600 people coming and going. But the eldest wasn't like that. 225 00:09:11.620 --> 00:09:13.340 It was only once you got them both got a 226 00:09:13.340 --> 00:09:14.399 bit older and they're together. 227 00:09:14.419 --> 00:09:19.950 Do you think having two together... as confidence in numbers 228 00:09:20.049 --> 00:09:21.370 is not the phrase, but, you know. 229 00:09:21.570 --> 00:09:23.470 Yeah, I think so. And I think the youngest sort 230 00:09:23.509 --> 00:09:25.350 of follows the eldest one's lead. That's what mine are 231 00:09:25.370 --> 00:09:29.460 like anyway. But the youngest is actually pretty confident, where 232 00:09:29.500 -->

00:09:32.440 sometimes they sort of follow the eldest around, but our 233 00:09:32.480 --> 00:09:34.600 one holds her own. So I think she could be 234 00:09:34.879 --> 00:09:35.620 the worst one. 235 00:09:36.039 --> 00:09:38.539 On Friday, we'll obviously, we'll update on how it went. 236 00:09:38.960 --> 00:09:43.009 Anyone who's got any stories of playdates gone wrong. 237 00:09:43.029 --> 00:09:43.409 Oh, please. 238 00:09:43.549 --> 00:09:43.850 Please. 239 00:09:44.220 --> 00:09:47.200 Please, that's what we're looking for. This is how you'd 240 00:09:47.240 --> 00:09:48.139 get in touch about that. 241 00:09:49.639 --> 00:09:55.470 Email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or tweet us at lockdownparents 242 00:09:55.909 --> 00:10:00.379 or Instagram lockdown underscore parenting. and you can also send 243 00:10:00.440 --> 00:10:09.210 us stuff P.O. Box 76748 London E99DW. Also Josh people 244 00:10:09.269 --> 00:10:12.250 are going mad for the old Instagram nearly 4,000 followers 245 00:10:12.629 --> 00:10:15.850 bloody hell and up there for you guys is The 246 00:10:15.889 --> 00:10:17.429 picture of Josh's boiler. 247 00:10:17.870 --> 00:10:18.590 Oh, there we go. 248 00:10:18.690 --> 00:10:20.549 Also the pictures. I couldn't remember what they were called. 249 00:10:20.570 --> 00:10:21.210 You know, the tiger. 250 00:10:21.250 --> 00:10:22.909 I should update you that the boiler's fixed. 251 00:10:23.149 --> 00:10:25.129 Oh, the boiler's fixed. You got hot water. Yeah. 252 00:10:25.250 --> 00:10:27.259 And I should update you that the mouse man came 253 00:10:27.299 --> 00:10:30.080 and we haven't got an infestation of mice. It was 254 00:10:30.279 --> 00:10:32.539 just one mouse that had got in through the pipe 255 00:10:32.759 --> 00:10:35.600 and dove. they like to die in a hot area. 256 00:10:35.720 --> 00:10:37.259 So he died on top of the. 257 00:10:37.500 --> 00:10:39.519 Oh, so he was old age. He just went out. 258 00:10:39.679 --> 00:10:43.610 He basically took himself off to your own personal crematorium. 259 00:10:44.330 --> 00:10:47.409 Exactly. It was actually quite a heartwarming story. 260 00:10:48.049 --> 00:10:50.009 Oh, poor little fella. He just went there and died 261 00:10:50.049 --> 00:10:51.850 in heat. It's lovely in a way, isn't it? 262 00:10:51.850 --> 00:10:52.950 Yeah. 263 00:10:52.970 --> 00:10:54.049 What did you do then, Ash? You bury him? 264 00:10:55.350 --> 00:10:57.460 I'm not going to lie. My wife dealt with the situation. 265 00:10:57.500 --> 00:10:58.139 I couldn't deal with it. 266 00:10:58.149 --> 00:11:01.580 Fed it to the snails. LAUGHTER Anyway, yeah, so go 267 00:11:01.620 --> 00:11:02.000 to Instagram. 268 00:11:02.059 --> 00:11:06.519 Go to the Instagram. It's flying up before we know it. 269 00:11:06.720 --> 00:11:07.820 It'll be an influencer. 270 00:11:08.080 --> 00:11:10.309 Oh, I tell you what, my ultimate dream is we 271 00:11:10.330 --> 00:11:13.570 do a Johnson's, some sort of Johnson's advert on Instagram, 272 00:11:13.590 --> 00:11:15.690 like one of them Towie people, me and you in 273 00:11:15.710 --> 00:11:20.450 a bath together. It leaves our skin soft, doesn't it, Josh? Exactly. 274 00:11:20.649 --> 00:11:21.950 Do you know what? If the money was right, I 275 00:11:21.970 --> 00:11:22.629 wouldn't say no. 276 00:11:22.649 --> 00:11:25.009 Do you know what? I'd rather do that because I 277 00:11:25.009 --> 00:11:26.350 think we could make that really... Me and you in 278 00:11:26.389 --> 00:11:29.799 a bath, if Johnsons are listening, how much? We've got 4,000 followers. 279 00:11:29.840 --> 00:11:33.340 We're pretty big deals. Joe Rogan's got 10 million, but 280 00:11:33.360 --> 00:11:34.659 let's not get bogged down by numbers. 281 00:11:34.919 --> 00:11:37.120 No, maybe we need to bloody well smoke weed with 282 00:11:37.139 --> 00:11:38.460 Bernie Sanders or whatever he does for a living. Do 283 00:11:38.480 --> 00:11:38.799 you know what? 284 00:11:38.820 --> 00:11:40.799 I might smoke weed with Post Malone and chat about 285 00:11:40.840 --> 00:11:44.350 masks and see if that helps your listeners. Anyway, we 286 00:11:44.370 --> 00:11:46.289 should crack on with our guest sister, shouldn't we? 287 00:11:46.649 --> 00:11:50.299 She's absolutely brilliant. One of my favourite comedians. Also, she 288 00:11:50.360 --> 00:11:55.899 has written a book about the experience of parenting. So, 289 00:11:56.200 --> 00:11:58.039 you know, she knows far more about it than us. 290 00:11:58.100 --> 00:12:00.799 Although it does sound like the book just details a 291 00:12:00.820 --> 00:12:02.639 lot of disasters, which is what we're looking for. This 292 00:12:02.740 --> 00:12:08.279 is the amazing Jen Brister. Hello, Jen Brister. How are you? 293 00:12:09.120 --> 00:12:09.720 Oh, hi. 294 00:12:09.940 --> 00:12:11.120 I'm okay. How are you? 295 00:12:11.610 --> 00:12:14.330 You sound like a robot, Jen. I know. 296 00:12:14.769 --> 00:12:17.879 I feel a bit like a robot. I feel like 297 00:12:18.129 --> 00:12:21.840 my entire lockdown has been struggling to homeschool my children 298 00:12:22.039 --> 00:12:24.159 and doing podcasts. That's what I've been doing. I don't 299 00:12:24.179 --> 00:12:26.940 have a job anymore. So this is now what I do. 300 00:12:27.460 --> 00:12:30.159 But now you can combine the two into one podcast 301 00:12:30.200 --> 00:12:31.519 about homeschooling your children. 302 00:12:31.559 --> 00:12:34.690 It's all come together. I know. I know, the serendipity 303 00:12:34.730 --> 00:12:35.110 of it all. 304 00:12:36.289 --> 00:12:38.840 Jen, can you explain to us and the listeners your 305 00:12:38.879 --> 00:12:40.700 setup at home with your kids and stuff? 306 00:12:40.980 --> 00:12:44.360 Yes, I can. I am sharing my home with my 307 00:12:45.080 --> 00:12:51.090 ever-patient girlfriend and our two five-year-old twin boys. And it's 308 00:12:51.129 --> 00:12:51.909 fun times all around. 309

00:12:52.009 --> 00:12:56.019 Oh, five-year-olds. Sorry, because it's actually your life. But I shuddered. 310 00:12:59.559 --> 00:13:02.059 I'm sorry. Straight in with the empathy there. 311 00:13:02.120 --> 00:13:02.480 I love it. 312 00:13:02.480 --> 00:13:03.940 I did a live version. You know when you read 313 00:13:03.980 --> 00:13:07.539 an interview, so I go, oh, no, fucking hell, five-year-old 314 00:13:07.759 --> 00:13:10.799 twin boys. Three dishes having a shocker. Sorry for saying 315 00:13:10.840 --> 00:13:11.460 that out loud. 316 00:13:11.480 --> 00:13:14.960 No, it's all right. I'm living it. I know it. 317 00:13:15.019 --> 00:13:15.480 I feel it. 318 00:13:16.299 --> 00:13:18.710 And how's it been then? So have you been homeschooled 319 00:13:18.730 --> 00:13:19.399 with five-year-olds? 320 00:13:19.879 --> 00:13:20.440 Oh God. 321 00:13:20.519 --> 00:13:20.820 Yeah. 322 00:13:21.100 --> 00:13:24.279 Oh my God. Yeah, I have. And I am shit 323 00:13:24.320 --> 00:13:26.639 at it. I am so shit at it. It's just 324 00:13:26.659 --> 00:13:29.100 that they don't respect you, your kids. I mean, not 325 00:13:29.120 --> 00:13:31.379 your kids, my kids. They don't seem to respect parents 326 00:13:31.399 --> 00:13:33.320 when they're homeschooling. I spoke to a few parents and 327 00:13:33.340 --> 00:13:35.779 they're like, oh, fuck it. I gave up after two days. Um, 328 00:13:36.110 --> 00:13:38.009 just trying to teach them stuff because we've got to 329 00:13:38.029 --> 00:13:40.090 teach them how to read. Everyone's going, oh, five. You 330 00:13:40.110 --> 00:13:41.519 don't have to do anything, mate. Just wait until they're 10. 331 00:13:41.509 --> 00:13:43.250 It's like, they can't, they can't turn up at 10 332 00:13:43.250 --> 00:13:44.929 and go, sorry, mate, still can't read because my parents 333 00:13:44.950 --> 00:13:48.570 didn't bother homeschooling me when I was five. Um, So 334 00:13:48.669 --> 00:13:51.669 you've got to teach them things like phonic, jolly, phonic. 335 00:13:51.730 --> 00:13:53.669 I mean, the jolly bit fucked off a while ago, 336 00:13:53.750 --> 00:13:58.679 I'll tell you. It's just a horror show. And they don't, like, honestly, 337 00:13:58.740 --> 00:14:00.279 if I'm trying to tell them to do anything, they're like, 338 00:14:00.299 --> 00:14:01.700 I don't want to do that. And anyway, you smell 339 00:14:01.740 --> 00:14:02.460 of poo. And it's like. 340 00:14:02.600 --> 00:14:04.960 Oh, they love you smell of poo. They love saying that. 341 00:14:06.139 --> 00:14:07.919 Do you think the fact you smell of poo is 342 00:14:07.980 --> 00:14:10.370 a problem, though, Jen? Maybe that's why you're struggling to 343 00:14:10.409 --> 00:14:11.929 home school, if you didn't smell of poo. 344 00:14:12.190 --> 00:14:13.830 To be fair, I've seen your stand-up, Jen, and there 345 00:14:13.850 --> 00:14:15.929 is a routine about you actually smelling of poo, so 346 00:14:15.970 --> 00:14:17.269 I think they may

be accurate in that. 347 00:14:18.049 --> 00:14:20.250 Well, and whose poo is it? It's not my poo. 348 00:14:20.330 --> 00:14:22.830 I'm not, like, just slinging my poo round the house. 349 00:14:22.870 --> 00:14:25.759 It's their bloody poo. They are so obsessed with their 350 00:14:25.779 --> 00:14:28.990 bumholes at the moment, and that's... I made the mistake 351 00:14:29.049 --> 00:14:31.590 of saying bumhole to them. And Chloe was like, we 352 00:14:31.610 --> 00:14:34.289 don't say bumhole. We just say bottom. And I went, 353 00:14:34.309 --> 00:14:35.629 it was too late. So bumhole's out. 354 00:14:35.830 --> 00:14:36.409 Yeah. 355 00:14:36.470 --> 00:14:38.269 Bumhole's a great word though, isn't it? You forget how 356 00:14:38.309 --> 00:14:39.090 funny bumhole is. 357 00:14:39.509 --> 00:14:41.690 Could you use that to teach them all the different sounds? 358 00:14:41.889 --> 00:14:42.570 And you could say. 359 00:14:42.590 --> 00:14:44.070 They're funny. 360 00:14:44.149 --> 00:14:45.950 And it'd be a great chance to teach them about 361 00:14:45.970 --> 00:14:47.169 the letter O, wouldn't it? 362 00:14:47.210 --> 00:14:47.450 You go. 363 00:14:50.159 --> 00:14:53.639 Oh, yeah, because my daughter's starting school in September, and 364 00:14:53.779 --> 00:14:58.600 I don't understand this phonics thing where you learn the alphabet, 365 00:14:59.379 --> 00:15:01.139 like A, B, C, D, and E, but for anyone 366 00:15:01.159 --> 00:15:02.820 who didn't know what it was, that's the English one. 367 00:15:03.730 --> 00:15:06.950 I'm working on the Greek. But you learn all those 368 00:15:07.289 --> 00:15:10.929 sounds for A, B, C, but it's actually A, B, C. 369 00:15:11.370 --> 00:15:11.809 Is that right? 370 00:15:12.070 --> 00:15:15.129 Well, yeah, but it's also more complicated than that. So 371 00:15:15.149 --> 00:15:19.210 you're learning sounds. When you like, say you've got IGH together, 372 00:15:19.230 --> 00:15:21.480 then they have to learn that that sound is I. 373 00:15:21.580 --> 00:15:24.460 Or if there's an O and a W together, that 374 00:15:24.519 --> 00:15:27.139 can be ow. So, you know, they've got to learn 375 00:15:27.159 --> 00:15:29.720 it like that. Or if there's an E at the end, 376 00:15:29.799 --> 00:15:33.759 like actually bumhole is a very good example. Now, we've got. 377 00:15:33.879 --> 00:15:35.360 Let's explore the bumhole class. 378 00:15:35.399 --> 00:15:38.070 Let's explore bumhole, because there's a magic E at the 379 00:15:38.110 --> 00:15:41.090 end of hole, so the O, instead of being an O, 380 00:15:41.129 --> 00:15:43.929 becomes an O, so it's not hole, it's... What is it, kids? 381 00:15:44.149 --> 00:15:44.590 Hole! 382 00:15:44.750 --> 00:15:47.809 That's right, it's bumhole. So we're all learning something. 383 00:15:47.850 --> 00:15:50.090 We had magic E when I was growing up. Did 384 00:15:50.110 --> 00:15:53.179 you used to watch the Look and Read BBC... TV 385 00:15:53.240 --> 00:15:55.539 shows at school. So it'd be like Badger Girl or 386 00:15:55.559 --> 00:15:56.759 Geordie Racer or something. 387 00:15:56.919 --> 00:15:58.419 No, I'm like 10 years older than you. 388 00:16:02.779 --> 00:16:08.490 Badger Girl sounds like a TikTok star. She just documents 389 00:16:08.509 --> 00:16:12.629 the badgers in her garden, which is not a euphemism. Well, 390 00:16:12.789 --> 00:16:15.889 I struggled with reading, spoiler alert, as a kid. I 391 00:16:16.629 --> 00:16:19.929 had to go to learning support, and we used to 392 00:16:19.950 --> 00:16:22.090 read the Biff, Chip and Kipper books. 393 00:16:22.230 --> 00:16:23.190 My kids are reading those. Yeah. 394 00:16:23.769 --> 00:16:25.490 All I remember was they went, okay, you're going to 395 00:16:25.509 --> 00:16:29.129 go for private one-on-one readings. I'm dyslexic, so I struggled 396 00:16:29.149 --> 00:16:32.419 with the reading. And the book was just bigger. LAUGHTER 397 00:16:34.879 --> 00:16:38.159 It wasn't an easier book or specialised. It was just 398 00:16:38.200 --> 00:16:41.120 the same book with one person just pointing at the word. 399 00:16:42.139 --> 00:16:49.659 That's an audition I needed. Are they taking it in 400 00:16:49.679 --> 00:16:51.419 with the homeschooling or not at all? 401 00:16:52.090 --> 00:16:55.350 Oh, well, we did sort of persist with it. I 402 00:16:55.389 --> 00:16:58.289 think just a lot of people didn't bother, but I 403 00:16:58.330 --> 00:17:00.909 just had to create some sort of shape for the day. 404 00:17:00.950 --> 00:17:01.750 Do you know what I mean? 405 00:17:01.769 --> 00:17:01.870 Yeah. 406 00:17:02.450 --> 00:17:04.210 Just waking up every day and going, right, it's just 407 00:17:04.329 --> 00:17:06.910 going to be a day of chaos. And, like, I 408 00:17:06.950 --> 00:17:08.849 needed to go, right, we wake up in the morning, 409 00:17:08.869 --> 00:17:11.049 we have breakfast, and then we do, like, at least 410 00:17:11.089 --> 00:17:13.329 a couple of hours. So we have kept going with it, 411 00:17:13.339 --> 00:17:15.519 but it's been fucking torture. 412 00:17:15.559 --> 00:17:18.259 It's like blood for blood. Especially because we weren't working 413 00:17:18.319 --> 00:17:20.950 as stand-ups. It's like you did have... you couldn't even 414 00:17:21.009 --> 00:17:23.690 blame working from home on it. You couldn't be like, oh, 415 00:17:23.710 --> 00:17:25.890 we can't do it because I've got, you know, that deadline. 416 00:17:26.259 --> 00:17:27.119 I've got nothing. 417 00:17:27.210 --> 00:17:30.039 I mean, for the first couple of months, like literally nothing. 418 00:17:30.099 --> 00:17:31.480 I mean, a few bits and bobs started to come 419 00:17:31.519 --> 00:17:33.160 in and then I was like, legitimately, I've got to 420 00:17:33.200 --> 00:17:36.119 go and have some time in the toilet by myself. 421 00:17:36.339 --> 00:17:39.599 You know, just, I mean, that literally for the first 422 00:17:39.640 --> 00:17:41.259 two

months, I said to Chloe, the only time I 423 00:17:41.279 --> 00:17:42.460 have on my own is when I'm having a poo. 424 00:17:42.960 --> 00:17:44.660 And we should get locks on the doors because they're 425 00:17:44.680 --> 00:17:45.259 still coming in. 426 00:17:45.900 --> 00:17:48.990 Oh, God, that is awful. And what does your partner do, Jen? 427 00:17:49.029 --> 00:17:50.069 Is she working full time? 428 00:17:50.150 --> 00:17:53.849 Well, she started working pretty much full time after a couple, 429 00:17:53.910 --> 00:17:56.250 I think after about two months, she started, work started 430 00:17:56.269 --> 00:17:57.950 to come in. She's got her own business. So then 431 00:17:57.990 --> 00:17:58.269 I had to. 432 00:17:58.279 --> 00:17:59.740 I put it after the baby's in. No, two months 433 00:17:59.759 --> 00:18:00.420 after lockdown. 434 00:18:00.440 --> 00:18:03.500 Two months after lockdown. It was actually. 435 00:18:03.519 --> 00:18:04.039 I'm fine. I'm fine. 436 00:18:04.079 --> 00:18:05.779 Let me out of here. She did. 437 00:18:05.799 --> 00:18:08.170 She did. Well, she works from home anyway, so it 438 00:18:08.190 --> 00:18:11.430 was all fine. So I have had the children a lot, 439 00:18:11.650 --> 00:18:12.289 if you see what I mean. 440 00:18:12.329 --> 00:18:13.059 I've had them alone. 441 00:18:13.079 --> 00:18:14.549 And are they back at school now, Jo? 442 00:18:14.559 --> 00:18:18.500 Well, this is the thing. They are reception. So reception 443 00:18:18.980 --> 00:18:21.140 was at year one and year six were the classes 444 00:18:21.160 --> 00:18:23.519 that were supposed to go back. But their school just 445 00:18:23.559 --> 00:18:24.279 didn't open. 446 00:18:24.559 --> 00:18:24.660 Oh. 447 00:18:24.920 --> 00:18:27.150 They went back. They went back for two and a 448 00:18:27.170 --> 00:18:27.569 half hours. 449 00:18:28.470 --> 00:18:29.410 Two and a half hours? 450 00:18:29.430 --> 00:18:32.130 The week before some holidays. And if anything, that was 451 00:18:32.170 --> 00:18:34.450 an inconvenience. So I was really hacked off about that. 452 00:18:34.880 --> 00:18:36.700 So they're not going to have been to school from 453 00:18:36.720 --> 00:18:38.910 sort of the middle of March to when they go 454 00:18:38.970 --> 00:18:41.230 back in September. It's going to be weird for them. 455 00:18:41.250 --> 00:18:43.670 Do you know what? Parents will have this. My brother 456 00:18:43.690 --> 00:18:45.240 was the youngest in his year and my mum just 457 00:18:45.259 --> 00:18:48.140 said that forever. Even now, if he like comes in drunk, well, 458 00:18:48.160 --> 00:18:50.039 he's the youngest in his year. But I think parents 459 00:18:50.059 --> 00:18:52.289 are going to have that thing. Well, they did miss school. 460 00:18:52.529 --> 00:18:56.029 Those four months, if they do anything wrong. What do 461 00:18:56.049 --> 00:18:56.970 you expect? 462 00:18:57.289 --> 00:18:58.690 They are the children of COVID. 463 00:18:59.069 --> 00:19:02.650 Another burglary and a triple murder. But he did have 464 00:19:02.690 --> 00:19:05.240 four months of school. So it's hard to come back 465 00:19:05.259 --> 00:19:05.519 from that. 466 00:19:06.029 --> 00:19:09.650 Even though, obviously, they're twins, Jen, but how different are 467 00:19:09.690 --> 00:19:11.769 they as people in their reaction to it? Do you 468 00:19:11.809 --> 00:19:13.369 teach them together or are they kind of. 469 00:19:13.369 --> 00:19:15.789 Oh, they're completely different in every... They don't look at... 470 00:19:15.849 --> 00:19:19.109 Because they're fraternal twins because it was IVF, so, well, obviously, 471 00:19:19.130 --> 00:19:20.750 it wasn't a natural conception. 472 00:19:21.210 --> 00:19:24.109 And if it was from a same-sex couple, Jen, that 473 00:19:24.130 --> 00:19:26.289 would be the first question I'd ask, to be honest, 474 00:19:26.349 --> 00:19:28.769 if it did happen. Just a lot of. 475 00:19:28.650 --> 00:19:29.250 Friction, Rob. 476 00:19:29.349 --> 00:19:33.549 Just a lot of friction. First things first, how does 477 00:19:33.569 --> 00:19:34.089 that happen? 478 00:19:35.900 --> 00:19:37.930 Let's keep rubbing until we start a fire. 479 00:19:38.109 --> 00:19:41.170 So what's the difference? Because I'm a bit ignorant to this. 480 00:19:41.190 --> 00:19:43.690 So what's the difference from an IVF twins as opposed 481 00:19:43.730 --> 00:19:46.589 to sort of natural twins, as it were? Sorry if 482 00:19:46.609 --> 00:19:47.609 that's the wrong terminology. 483 00:19:47.990 --> 00:19:51.490 Well, no, it's completely the same. right terminology. If you're 484 00:19:51.539 --> 00:19:54.339 having a sort of natural conception and you're having sex 485 00:19:54.839 --> 00:19:58.289 and that's how you conceive, If you're doing it with IVF, 486 00:19:58.309 --> 00:20:01.380 what you do is you have, you spend thousands and 487 00:20:01.430 --> 00:20:05.160 thousands and thousands and thousands of pounds and cross your 488 00:20:05.240 --> 00:20:09.589 fingers that something fucking happens. But it's, you go, it's 489 00:20:09.619 --> 00:20:14.589 a clinic and then you're, we bought sperm from the internet. 490 00:20:15.119 --> 00:20:17.200 But you don't actually, you don't physically do that, right? 491 00:20:17.220 --> 00:20:18.680 You don't, it doesn't arrive like Amazon. 492 00:20:18.700 --> 00:20:21.299 You must get Amazon Prime. You know, you've got to 493 00:20:21.339 --> 00:20:21.799 keep it fresh. 494 00:20:21.819 --> 00:20:23.839 Do you know what? It's not that different, actually. 495 00:20:24.160 --> 00:20:24.519 Really? 496 00:20:24.579 --> 00:20:26.930 No, no. I know you're going, I'll come in. What 497 00:20:26.950 --> 00:20:31.009 do you do? Log on and then just buy some sperm. Yeah. Really? Really? 498 00:20:31.150 --> 00:20:31.609 How much? 499 00:20:31.930 --> 00:20:32.549 How much is it? 500 00:20:32.670 --> 00:20:33.509 Oh, litres of it. 501

00:20:36.670 --> 00:20:38.119 It's been a long lockdown. 502 00:20:38.130 --> 00:20:40.319 Listen, we needed as much as we could get. No, um. 503 00:20:40.869 --> 00:20:43.089 There are lots of different sperm banks and it depends 504 00:20:43.150 --> 00:20:45.390 on which sperm bank you go to. But basically they 505 00:20:45.450 --> 00:20:48.799 have an online, I suppose, I want to say magazine, 506 00:20:48.839 --> 00:20:51.619 that's not brochure, something. And you can pick. 507 00:20:51.640 --> 00:20:52.900 Do they have like star ratings? 508 00:20:53.319 --> 00:20:54.000 Trust pilot. 509 00:20:56.160 --> 00:20:58.599 They kind of do. I mean, in as much as... 510 00:20:59.000 --> 00:21:01.400 You can see how popular. 511 00:21:01.059 --> 00:21:04.430 That sperm is. I mean, I'd get one off Checker Trade, 512 00:21:04.470 --> 00:21:08.349 so I've got somebody's Andy in the house. I've got 513 00:21:08.369 --> 00:21:11.519 enough sort of gobby talking people in our family. Yeah, 514 00:21:11.710 --> 00:21:14.460 but you'd get mixed messages, really. I've got three off 515 00:21:14.500 --> 00:21:16.579 this stoner. The first one was an absolute dream, but 516 00:21:16.599 --> 00:21:18.880 the last two, if I'm honest, are a pair of quits. 517 00:21:19.599 --> 00:21:24.119 It's 50-50. So what did you know about your sperm? 518 00:21:24.410 --> 00:21:26.819 So what you don't get, you have no idea what 519 00:21:26.859 --> 00:21:29.660 your donor looks like. So what you will get is information. 520 00:21:29.759 --> 00:21:31.460 And again, this really depends on the sperm bank, how 521 00:21:31.500 --> 00:21:34.480 much information they give you. So we went to the 522 00:21:34.599 --> 00:21:38.839 European sperm bank specifically because you get the most information 523 00:21:38.880 --> 00:21:43.019 about the donor. And you get sort of information about 524 00:21:43.039 --> 00:21:46.480 their parents, sort of health, you know, if there's any, 525 00:21:46.759 --> 00:21:49.940 I don't know, like dementia or cancer or anything like that. 526 00:21:50.299 --> 00:21:52.279 in the family. So I think you go back like 527 00:21:52.380 --> 00:21:54.339 the parents and then the grandparents, and then you can, 528 00:21:54.779 --> 00:21:57.670 what they look like, what they do for a living, interests, 529 00:21:57.710 --> 00:21:59.049 all that sort of stuff. And then you get a 530 00:21:59.089 --> 00:22:02.250 photograph of them as a baby. So you can kind 531 00:22:02.289 --> 00:22:04.589 of get an idea. So, I mean, we were a 532 00:22:04.609 --> 00:22:06.130 bit cruel because there was a couple of babies that 533 00:22:06.150 --> 00:22:08.029 were completely boss-eyed and we were like, oh. 534 00:22:08.210 --> 00:22:09.630 Come on. 535 00:22:09.650 --> 00:22:10.269 Swerve that. 536 00:22:10.650 --> 00:22:12.509 If you're paying for it, you're allowed to choose as 537 00:22:12.549 --> 00:22:13.410 far as I'm concerned. 538 00:22:13.569 --> 00:22:15.980 I mean,

the irony is one of ours is boss-eyed now, 539 00:22:16.019 --> 00:22:18.319 so that was calmer. 540 00:22:18.339 --> 00:22:19.740 There we go. 541 00:22:20.359 --> 00:22:21.259 I mean, you can spend. 542 00:22:23.539 --> 00:22:26.289 Weeks and months deciding and then in the end it's 543 00:22:26.430 --> 00:22:28.269 kind of i don't know if other people agree with 544 00:22:28.289 --> 00:22:30.609 me but it's kind of moot really because what you 545 00:22:30.650 --> 00:22:32.789 want is a baby whatever you end up with you're 546 00:22:32.809 --> 00:22:34.130 not going to be like oh well i wish we'd 547 00:22:34.150 --> 00:22:36.390 gone for you know jeff he was of course yeah 548 00:22:36.410 --> 00:22:38.339 lovely and nicer eyes you're going to be like oh 549 00:22:38.359 --> 00:22:41.960 this is my baby so um yeah i can't even 550 00:22:41.980 --> 00:22:43.920 i can't even tell you how we chose our sperm 551 00:22:43.940 --> 00:22:45.799 donor i think we just went oh fuck it him 552 00:22:45.960 --> 00:22:47.200 you know i think it was like that. 553 00:22:47.619 --> 00:22:49.119 And and is it sort of with is it just 554 00:22:49.140 --> 00:22:51.589 some call with ivf you sometimes it's more chance of 555 00:22:51.650 --> 00:22:54.420 twins It's not like an option you pick, like twins 556 00:22:54.519 --> 00:22:55.319 running in the family. 557 00:22:55.579 --> 00:22:59.039 Again, it is an option we picked because you can choose. 558 00:22:59.160 --> 00:23:00.519 I don't know if you can still do this. I'm 559 00:23:00.559 --> 00:23:02.180 not sure. Bog off. 560 00:23:03.279 --> 00:23:07.240 High level, buy level. Buy one, get one free. Eat 561 00:23:07.420 --> 00:23:13.609 out to help out. Well done, Jen. So that's an option, 562 00:23:13.670 --> 00:23:15.750 is it? 563 00:23:16.869 --> 00:23:21.410 Yeah. You can pick. Well, it depends how many you get, right? 564 00:23:21.569 --> 00:23:24.910 So you, you get, you get to, it depends how 565 00:23:24.930 --> 00:23:27.150 many embryos you get. So once you go through the 566 00:23:27.170 --> 00:23:29.839 process of IVF, right? And then you end up with 567 00:23:29.859 --> 00:23:32.500 however many embryos you do. And then we went through 568 00:23:32.539 --> 00:23:34.079 one round of IVF and it was, no, we'd been 569 00:23:34.099 --> 00:23:36.180 through two rounds of IVF and it'd been unsuccessful. And 570 00:23:36.200 --> 00:23:38.720 we were like, oh, fuck this, it's costing a fortune. 571 00:23:38.849 --> 00:23:40.950 So the third round, Chloe was like, I'm going to 572 00:23:40.970 --> 00:23:42.130 stick two embryos in. 573 00:23:42.490 --> 00:23:45.349 And I was like, Double dropping, it's like being at 574 00:23:45.369 --> 00:23:47.910 a festival. I'm not feeling it. I'm not feeling it. 575 00:23:47.970 --> 00:23:50.089 Come on, splurge on in a minute, I'm doing two. 576 00:23:50.309 --> 00:23:52.769 And if you'd just waited an hour, that one would 577 00:23:52.809 --> 00:23:56.190 have

been fine. 578 00:23:56.299 --> 00:23:57.059 We've got two now. 579 00:23:57.440 --> 00:23:59.799 And then you're like, gurning your tits off going, oh, 580 00:23:59.819 --> 00:24:05.680 I wish I'd just stuck to one. LAUGHTER So, yeah, 581 00:24:05.740 --> 00:24:06.819 that's basically what happened. 582 00:24:06.960 --> 00:24:07.579 Yeah. 583 00:24:07.640 --> 00:24:07.980 Oh, wow. 584 00:24:08.220 --> 00:24:10.180 But it's nice. So they've got like, because also, you know, 585 00:24:10.200 --> 00:24:13.299 it's a costly process. And if you wanted your kids 586 00:24:13.319 --> 00:24:14.440 to have siblings and stuff. 587 00:24:14.500 --> 00:24:16.740 Which we would have done it again. Because we did 588 00:24:16.759 --> 00:24:19.259 want to. So we would have gone through the whole, well, 589 00:24:19.339 --> 00:24:20.579 I say we. I mean, I don't know why I 590 00:24:20.579 --> 00:24:22.980 keep saying we. I was like completely not involved. But 591 00:24:23.019 --> 00:24:24.809 Chloe would have done, gone through it again. 592 00:24:24.829 --> 00:24:27.849 So how did you decide to, sorry, is this too 593 00:24:27.869 --> 00:24:28.450 much prying? 594 00:24:28.509 --> 00:24:30.480 No, no, no. I mean, I've written a book about it. 595 00:24:30.490 --> 00:24:30.990 So don't worry. 596 00:24:31.309 --> 00:24:32.369 Oh, what's the book called? 597 00:24:32.609 --> 00:24:33.670 It's called The Other Mother. Let's plug it. 598 00:24:33.980 --> 00:24:34.980 The other mother. 599 00:24:35.119 --> 00:24:36.930 So I talk about all of this in the book, yeah. 600 00:24:36.970 --> 00:24:39.470 Fair enough. We'll go into it too after people buy 601 00:24:39.490 --> 00:24:42.269 the book. Who decided who was going to carry? Did 602 00:24:42.289 --> 00:24:43.150 you have a conversation? 603 00:24:43.569 --> 00:24:45.450 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we definitely had a conversation 604 00:24:45.490 --> 00:24:46.970 about it. And I really was not. 605 00:24:47.019 --> 00:24:49.900 Yeah, they didn't drift into it, Rob. 606 00:24:49.940 --> 00:24:52.579 It was both blindfolded. Whoever gets the embryo gets the embryo. 607 00:24:53.039 --> 00:24:57.309 No, we talked about it and I was not indifferent, 608 00:24:57.349 --> 00:25:01.150 but I really wasn't bothered. And Chloe made it clear 609 00:25:01.190 --> 00:25:03.410 that it was really important to her to get pregnant 610 00:25:03.490 --> 00:25:05.329 and to know what that was like and everything. And 611 00:25:05.349 --> 00:25:07.049 so I was like, well, then that's a decision. We've 612 00:25:07.069 --> 00:25:09.130 done it and we don't have to overthink it. 613 00:25:09.210 --> 00:25:12.079 So was there any points in the pregnancy where she 614 00:25:12.130 --> 00:25:14.259 thought I've really misjudged this? 615 00:25:14.779 --> 00:25:18.980 Oh, well, probably during the second trimester when she kept fainting. Yeah. 616 00:25:19.420 --> 00:25:23.599 Because the I think because having two, there was a 617 00:25:23.640 --> 00:25:27.140 lot of pressure on whatever position they were in. was 618 00:25:27.420 --> 00:25:29.559 it was really putting pressure on her lungs so it 619 00:25:29.599 --> 00:25:32.579 was it was making it harder for her to sort 620 00:25:32.599 --> 00:25:35.789 of catch her breath so there were for like literally 621 00:25:35.829 --> 00:25:38.269 three months in the within the pregnancy she was just 622 00:25:38.309 --> 00:25:40.690 fainting so at that point she was probably like oh 623 00:25:40.750 --> 00:25:43.970 this was a terrible mistake but generally she that's how 624 00:25:43.990 --> 00:25:48.230 she talks she did she did but she I think 625 00:25:48.269 --> 00:25:51.029 she really um genuinely think she enjoyed the pregnancy aside 626 00:25:51.049 --> 00:25:52.410 from that and I know a lot of women have 627 00:25:52.490 --> 00:25:55.569 a have a really awful time during pregnancy, but I 628 00:25:55.589 --> 00:25:58.029 think Chloe quite enjoyed it. But it was like, like 629 00:25:58.150 --> 00:26:01.569 any pregnancy, I think that that last week or that 630 00:26:01.609 --> 00:26:04.710 last two weeks, she was like, get them out now. 631 00:26:04.880 --> 00:26:05.200 Yeah. 632 00:26:05.420 --> 00:26:06.299 Get them out. 633 00:26:06.559 --> 00:26:08.220 It's like being on holiday, isn't it? You don't want 634 00:26:08.240 --> 00:26:09.460 to go home, but once you're at the airport, you're like, 635 00:26:09.480 --> 00:26:12.240 I just want to be indoors now. I've had a 636 00:26:12.299 --> 00:26:14.349 good time. I want to get in. 637 00:26:15.619 --> 00:26:17.529 Yeah, it's exactly like that. 638 00:26:18.200 --> 00:26:20.890 I was wanting to ask you, because my daughter's starting 639 00:26:20.910 --> 00:26:23.670 school in September, and you see a lot of people 640 00:26:23.690 --> 00:26:26.049 sort of like, oh my God, it's far too young 641 00:26:26.109 --> 00:26:29.349 for them to go. They're still babies, but I don't 642 00:26:29.369 --> 00:26:31.190 know how you felt. Was you happy for them to 643 00:26:31.230 --> 00:26:34.690 go at five, or did you think it was too young? 644 00:26:35.170 --> 00:26:38.769 No, but our two are, I guess, sort of the 645 00:26:38.829 --> 00:26:42.490 oldest in their year. So they were born in September. So, 646 00:26:42.769 --> 00:26:44.869 like an extra six months makes all the difference at 647 00:26:44.890 --> 00:26:46.950 that age. And so some of the kids that were 648 00:26:46.970 --> 00:26:49.640 maybe born in like March, April, May, you could see 649 00:26:49.680 --> 00:26:52.579 that they had a little bit more anxiety, you know, leaving, 650 00:26:52.880 --> 00:26:55.000 you know, their mum or their dad at the school gates, 651 00:26:55.019 --> 00:26:57.200 I was going to say the church gates, Jesus Christ. 652 00:26:57.660 --> 00:27:00.079 That's my Catholic school upbringing just came up to the fore. 653 00:27:00.180 --> 00:27:04.190 Hand it over to the nuns. I love

you really, 654 00:27:04.250 --> 00:27:07.890 but bye bye. Mummy deserves a life. I'm only sending 655 00:27:07.910 --> 00:27:09.549 you here so you realise how much I love you. 656 00:27:11.990 --> 00:27:14.109 So I didn't feel like that. And our two were 657 00:27:14.170 --> 00:27:16.890 definitely ready. And they were bored at nursery. They kept 658 00:27:16.930 --> 00:27:19.809 coming home going, nursery's really boring. So they were ready 659 00:27:19.849 --> 00:27:21.650 for school. That's not to say that they didn't have 660 00:27:21.690 --> 00:27:23.839 a little bit of, you know, anxiety and a little 661 00:27:23.859 --> 00:27:25.740 bit of, you know, one of them definitely found it 662 00:27:25.759 --> 00:27:27.900 a bit trickier when we when we leave them. But 663 00:27:28.200 --> 00:27:30.240 generally they were fine. And I think even the ones 664 00:27:30.279 --> 00:27:33.109 that when you leave them and it is heartbreaking, even 665 00:27:33.119 --> 00:27:34.569 when it's not your kid, you see a little kid 666 00:27:34.589 --> 00:27:36.869 just going, mummy, please don't leave me. It's like, oh, 667 00:27:36.890 --> 00:27:39.509 my God, you poor thing. You see mums like crying 668 00:27:39.569 --> 00:27:42.569 as they leave the school. Do you know that like 669 00:27:42.589 --> 00:27:44.650 about 10 minutes later, the kid is like. 670 00:27:44.730 --> 00:27:47.809 Yeah, it's more the parents' own issue than the kids'. 671 00:27:47.779 --> 00:27:48.660 It's actually. 672 00:27:48.420 --> 00:27:50.680 Really hard as a parent to leave your kid because 673 00:27:50.700 --> 00:27:52.799 you do feel a bit of a wrench, even though 674 00:27:52.819 --> 00:27:54.700 there's another bit of you that's like, thank fuck for that. 675 00:27:55.339 --> 00:27:58.119 And also that school time where you think that it's 676 00:27:58.160 --> 00:28:00.650 like nine till three or whatever it is. Jesus Christ, 677 00:28:00.670 --> 00:28:02.569 that is no time to get anything done. 678 00:28:02.809 --> 00:28:04.920 No. No, it doesn't feel long enough, does it? 679 00:28:05.170 --> 00:28:07.509 It's not long enough, especially if you're at nursery, you're 680 00:28:07.529 --> 00:28:09.509 used to picking them up at like five or six 681 00:28:09.569 --> 00:28:10.009 or something. 682 00:28:10.710 --> 00:28:13.539 Their preschool that ours go to is only nine till three. 683 00:28:13.599 --> 00:28:16.079 So we've never had the full day one. And I 684 00:28:16.119 --> 00:28:19.119 think going from a six pick up to three, that, 685 00:28:19.279 --> 00:28:19.960 it must be brutal. 686 00:28:20.079 --> 00:28:20.420 Oh, mate. 687 00:28:20.480 --> 00:28:21.700 It just feels like a half day. 688 00:28:21.779 --> 00:28:25.500 On Friday, I dropped my daughter. She was the first 689 00:28:25.599 --> 00:28:31.319 there at 8.31. To the point where when I was 690 00:28:31.359 --> 00:28:33.700 walking up, I was like, oh no, is it like 691 00:28:33.740 --> 00:28:36.160 not open or something to that? It was like a 692 00:28:36.180 --> 00:28:37.890 ghost town. 693 00:28:37.970 --> 00:28:40.029 I've done that, Josh, when we, me and the kids 694 00:28:40.069 --> 00:28:43.450 were sitting outside the nursery waiting for it to open because. 695 00:28:43.250 --> 00:28:45.049 I was like, just go, get out. 696 00:28:45.230 --> 00:28:46.509 I've got shit to do. 697 00:28:46.910 --> 00:28:48.519 I can't be in the house with them anymore. 698 00:28:48.559 --> 00:28:48.859 Yeah. 699 00:28:48.890 --> 00:28:50.440 It's like when the, you know, like when the new 700 00:28:50.579 --> 00:28:53.700 iPhones launched, I felt like that person outside the Apple 701 00:28:53.759 --> 00:28:59.319 shop with my kids. Camping out overnight. 702 00:28:59.339 --> 00:29:00.000 Yeah. 703 00:29:00.809 --> 00:29:03.130 But, yeah, I'm dreading that kind of– because I was 704 00:29:03.190 --> 00:29:06.269 talking to my friend and she was like– I was like, oh, 705 00:29:06.549 --> 00:29:08.609 I bet it's when they're at school and stuff. And 706 00:29:08.630 --> 00:29:12.029 she's like, no, because at nursery it's full long days 707 00:29:12.390 --> 00:29:13.450 and there's no holidays. 708 00:29:13.869 --> 00:29:14.230 Yeah. 709 00:29:14.309 --> 00:29:16.670 You're staring– I mean, obviously you've been staring down the 710 00:29:16.710 --> 00:29:20.930 barrel since mid-March, but summer holidays, that's six weeks. That's 711 00:29:20.990 --> 00:29:22.670 just unacceptable. 712 00:29:22.710 --> 00:29:26.150 That's insane. It's unacceptable. Exactly. And so then you start 713 00:29:26.190 --> 00:29:27.710 doing stuff where you go, well, we've got to stick 714 00:29:27.730 --> 00:29:28.890 them in something else now. 715 00:29:29.089 --> 00:29:29.250 Yeah. 716 00:29:30.259 --> 00:29:31.839 We've got to stick him in. What can we do? 717 00:29:31.859 --> 00:29:34.509 Stick him in a play scheme or stick him in a. 718 00:29:34.569 --> 00:29:37.190 Gym crash. Join a gym with a crash. Gym crash. 719 00:29:37.390 --> 00:29:38.809 I'll just say it quickly so no one else finds 720 00:29:38.829 --> 00:29:40.210 out so they don't get booked up. but get a 721 00:29:40.230 --> 00:29:42.299 gym crash. They love it. A couple of hours in there. 722 00:29:42.599 --> 00:29:43.900 Don't even go to the gym, just have a coffee. 723 00:29:44.559 --> 00:29:45.400 Gym crash? 724 00:29:45.740 --> 00:29:48.039 Gym crash. Yeah, a local gym has got a crash. 725 00:29:48.279 --> 00:29:48.980 Are they free? 726 00:29:49.299 --> 00:29:52.079 In the grand scheme of things, it's worth it if 727 00:29:52.099 --> 00:29:54.619 someone takes two children away for two hours. 728 00:29:54.759 --> 00:29:56.079 I was going to say, I don't even know why 729 00:29:56.140 --> 00:29:56.420 I'm asking. 730 00:29:57.619 --> 00:30:00.539 Are they being looked after by that kind of beefcake 731 00:30:00.599 --> 00:30:02.609 people that also like working the gym? 732 00:30:02.630 --> 00:30:04.809

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, they have to do a spin class. 733 00:30:04.849 --> 00:30:10.130 They seem to like it. Absolutely jacked at the end 734 00:30:10.170 --> 00:30:14.269 of summer holidays. Like they've been to prison, all ripped. 735 00:30:14.289 --> 00:30:16.910 They've been ripped in a gym crash. Do you find 736 00:30:16.930 --> 00:30:18.799 they gang up on you, Jen? Because I've got a 737 00:30:18.819 --> 00:30:22.500 four-year-old and a two-year-old and they gang up on us. 738 00:30:22.519 --> 00:30:25.279 When they're overexcited, they just bully us with energy when 739 00:30:25.299 --> 00:30:26.819 we're knackered. So how do you find that with two 740 00:30:26.859 --> 00:30:27.880 of them in the same age? 741 00:30:28.240 --> 00:30:31.480 Oh, yeah. Oh, my goodness. Every day, yeah. I'm not 742 00:30:31.559 --> 00:30:35.569 the most patient of human beings. That's not something that 743 00:30:35.619 --> 00:30:39.740 I ever thought I possessed. But I feel like parenthood 744 00:30:39.779 --> 00:30:43.059 has really brought that out in me. So I, in 745 00:30:43.099 --> 00:30:45.839 a way, there's a bit of me that really, obviously, 746 00:30:46.059 --> 00:30:48.440 I would have said this pre-lockdown. I mean, it's been 747 00:30:48.460 --> 00:30:50.609 four months of it, so I'm over it. But their energy, 748 00:30:50.650 --> 00:30:54.390 I've really enjoyed, you know, that kind of, they're constantly 749 00:30:54.430 --> 00:30:57.670 excited about everything and everything is fun and everything is 750 00:30:57.730 --> 00:31:00.210 great and everything is new. And I've really enjoyed that. 751 00:31:00.230 --> 00:31:01.900 I mean, now I'm like, come on, what? You've never 752 00:31:01.940 --> 00:31:02.960 seen a fucking button before. 753 00:31:03.079 --> 00:31:03.410 Come on. 754 00:31:03.440 --> 00:31:07.980 LAUGHTER It's just, it looks like a marble. It's a bum. Okay. 755 00:31:08.000 --> 00:31:11.730 Can we just move on? But I've been really enjoyed that. 756 00:31:11.750 --> 00:31:13.869 So Josh, you've got a daughter, haven't you? 757 00:31:14.089 --> 00:31:15.250 I've got one daughter. 758 00:31:15.289 --> 00:31:17.730 Yeah. Rob, you've got a daughter. Two daughters. 759 00:31:17.750 --> 00:31:17.950 Yeah. 760 00:31:17.990 --> 00:31:20.569 You've got two daughters. So I don't, obviously I don't 761 00:31:20.589 --> 00:31:23.339 know what daughters are like, but boys are like, you 762 00:31:23.380 --> 00:31:25.279 have to kind of run them like dogs. So you've 763 00:31:25.299 --> 00:31:27.480 got to take him out and just run him. 764 00:31:27.660 --> 00:31:28.259 Just go run. 765 00:31:28.539 --> 00:31:29.319 Just go and run. 766 00:31:29.359 --> 00:31:29.880 Yeah. 767 00:31:29.940 --> 00:31:33.890 Because if you don't do that, Then like bedtime is 768 00:31:34.250 --> 00:31:36.509 hell on earth and they just get really fractious and 769 00:31:36.529 --> 00:31:39.829 then they start fighting. And so all we do is 770 00:31:39.890 --> 00:31:42.130 find different ways to take them out somewhere where they 771 00:31:43.150 --> 00:31:43.970 can just run around. 772 00:31:43.990 --> 00:31:44.930 It's like having a sheepdog. 773 00:31:45.269 --> 00:31:46.529 Yeah, exactly. 774 00:31:46.549 --> 00:31:48.299 Intelligent, but you've got to tire them out. 775 00:31:48.339 --> 00:31:50.960 You've got to tire them out, exactly. But I've sort 776 00:31:50.980 --> 00:31:53.220 of enjoyed it. But they do, of course, and they're 777 00:31:53.240 --> 00:31:55.420 starting to. And then boys are a little bit, no offence. 778 00:31:55.829 --> 00:31:57.490 slower than girls. So they're starting to figure out what 779 00:31:57.509 --> 00:31:58.690 they need to do to get what they want. 780 00:31:58.710 --> 00:32:01.450 Oh, okay. No, I am. Actually, Jen, I am offended 781 00:32:01.569 --> 00:32:03.109 by that. So if you'd like to take that back. 782 00:32:03.130 --> 00:32:09.259 I'm absolutely not going to retract that. I'm wedded to 783 00:32:09.299 --> 00:32:09.819 that opinion. 784 00:32:09.839 --> 00:32:13.279 Do you know how difficult it is for us men, Jen? 785 00:32:13.599 --> 00:32:17.509 I can only imagine, Josh. I can only imagine. 786 00:32:18.289 --> 00:32:22.369 What was it like having... Because I just can't comprehend, 787 00:32:22.650 --> 00:32:25.049 having been through the first year of having a baby, 788 00:32:25.109 --> 00:32:26.829 what it would be like to have two there. 789 00:32:27.049 --> 00:32:27.430 It was hell. 790 00:32:27.710 --> 00:32:28.009 Was it? 791 00:32:28.230 --> 00:32:29.309 Yeah, actual hell. 792 00:32:29.549 --> 00:32:31.549 Like, what did you, how does it work? I don't 793 00:32:31.569 --> 00:32:35.910 understand the logistics of how it's even possible with, like, 794 00:32:36.579 --> 00:32:39.869 sleeping and bedtime. Because are they both in your bedroom 795 00:32:39.890 --> 00:32:42.029 and then one's crying and is waking up the other? 796 00:32:42.109 --> 00:32:44.450 And then it just seems so unfair, Jack. 797 00:32:45.950 --> 00:32:48.930 Well, I'm going to say, Josh, that's how I felt. 798 00:32:51.319 --> 00:32:55.299 I did a lot of weeping and say, why? To 799 00:32:57.180 --> 00:32:58.900 be fair, actually, I don't think they used to wake 800 00:32:58.920 --> 00:33:02.519 each other up because babies have this very deep sleep cycle, 801 00:33:02.539 --> 00:33:04.980 don't they? And they seem to figure out that they're like, 802 00:33:05.000 --> 00:33:06.920 what I'll do is I'll go into a deep sleep, right? 803 00:33:07.460 --> 00:33:09.720 And then if you if you wake up and then 804 00:33:09.940 --> 00:33:11.940 when you go down, I'll wake up. And then that 805 00:33:11.980 --> 00:33:15.440 way we might kill her. You know, that's what it 806 00:33:15.579 --> 00:33:18.599 felt like. So what would happen is and they didn't 807 00:33:18.859 --> 00:33:22.180 really both sleep through the night until they were nearly three. 808 00:33:22.549 -->

00:33:25.769 But that first year, I I don't remember that year 809 00:33:25.809 --> 00:33:31.329 at all. Like I would say 2014 to 2016, 17. 810 00:33:31.329 --> 00:33:33.950 I don't remember because I just didn't sleep for three years. 811 00:33:34.069 --> 00:33:37.160 You must have woken up in 2017 and gone. what 812 00:33:37.180 --> 00:33:39.539 the fuck has happened politically. 813 00:33:39.099 --> 00:33:41.819 To the world? 814 00:33:41.960 --> 00:33:46.359 Rex, what? What the fuck's going on? Genuinely, I did 815 00:33:46.400 --> 00:33:48.259 feel like everything, like people were like, oh, did you 816 00:33:48.279 --> 00:33:50.400 watch that movie? I was like, nope. Did you see 817 00:33:50.420 --> 00:33:52.740 that TV show? I was like, nope. I mean, like 818 00:33:52.839 --> 00:33:55.460 literally all I wanted to do was sleep. If there 819 00:33:55.480 --> 00:33:56.910 was an option of doing anything, I'd be like, do 820 00:33:56.920 --> 00:33:58.200 you know what? I'll swerve that and I'll just have 821 00:33:58.220 --> 00:34:02.670 a kip. That's all I wanted. And if you can imagine, 822 00:34:02.690 --> 00:34:04.230 I suppose you can imagine because of course you've got 823 00:34:04.250 --> 00:34:08.670 little ones, but every... night we would like just there'd 824 00:34:08.690 --> 00:34:10.090 be that point where one of them would wake up 825 00:34:10.130 --> 00:34:11.909 and you'd get up and you'd get them down you 826 00:34:11.929 --> 00:34:13.530 just get them down to sleep you're like oh thank 827 00:34:13.570 --> 00:34:15.679 fuck for that and then you just crawl into bed 828 00:34:15.760 --> 00:34:17.860 and i could go to sleep immediately and you'd just 829 00:34:17.900 --> 00:34:22.420 be slipping into the deepest sweetest darkest loveliest like oh 830 00:34:22.480 --> 00:34:25.940 just almost sexual sleep like it's just being swallowed up 831 00:34:25.980 --> 00:34:28.530 and then you just hear ah and then you'd have 832 00:34:28.550 --> 00:34:31.670 to crawl out of it it's like oh this is 833 00:34:31.829 --> 00:34:37.059 hell for years oh But I do remember pretty much 834 00:34:37.280 --> 00:34:40.739 any time that Chloe and I went, let's just do something. 835 00:34:40.929 --> 00:34:44.630 Let's not let our children limit us. Let's do something 836 00:34:44.730 --> 00:34:47.769 that we normally do, like going out for a meal. 837 00:34:48.230 --> 00:34:52.949 Or we stupidly went on holiday to a cottage in Dorset, 838 00:34:52.989 --> 00:34:57.280 which was not a fucking holiday. Anything that we decided 839 00:34:57.320 --> 00:35:00.159 to do that was like, let's go out to Pizza Express. 840 00:35:00.219 --> 00:35:03.099 And we see people with children, it was always like, 841 00:35:03.670 --> 00:35:07.570 Absolute fucking hell. It was hell. The children never... We'd 842 00:35:07.630 --> 00:35:10.110 buy them food. They wouldn't eat it. They were chucking crayons. 843 00:35:10.130 --> 00:35:12.159 They'd crawl on the floor.

They'd eat the table leg. 844 00:35:12.380 --> 00:35:15.199 They'd lick. They'd find food on the floor and lick 845 00:35:15.239 --> 00:35:16.579 it off the floor, but they wouldn't eat what was 846 00:35:16.619 --> 00:35:20.650 on their plate. We'd give them a baby Chino that 847 00:35:20.670 --> 00:35:23.730 would end up all over them. And then the whole time... 848 00:35:24.090 --> 00:35:26.829 you're not eating anything you've not eaten your food and 849 00:35:26.849 --> 00:35:28.590 then at the end someone comes along and says that's 850 00:35:28.590 --> 00:35:33.360 42 pounds you're like go fuck yourself day of my 851 00:35:33.420 --> 00:35:36.340 life you know and so all of those experiences were 852 00:35:36.380 --> 00:35:39.469 like we wouldn't that kind of feeling where you go 853 00:35:39.869 --> 00:35:41.809 all of those things that we used to enjoy like 854 00:35:41.829 --> 00:35:44.989 weekends away or meals out they've gone are they have 855 00:35:45.030 --> 00:35:47.849 they gone forever You know, I mean, they haven't. But 856 00:35:47.929 --> 00:35:50.269 at that point, we were like, oh, we've this is 857 00:35:50.530 --> 00:35:52.550 we have made a terrible mistake. You know, this is 858 00:35:53.050 --> 00:35:56.150 our lives are shit. But it doesn't stay like that. 859 00:35:56.170 --> 00:35:58.869 But when you're in it and also the whole time, 860 00:35:58.889 --> 00:36:01.010 and I don't know if you've experienced this, where people 861 00:36:01.070 --> 00:36:02.949 like your mates whose children are older or even your 862 00:36:02.989 --> 00:36:07.550 parents say things like, enjoy this bit. This bit goes on. 863 00:36:07.849 --> 00:36:09.389 Make the most of it when they're this age. And 864 00:36:09.409 --> 00:36:12.510 you're like, it doesn't fly by when your day is 865 00:36:12.510 --> 00:36:13.400 22 hours long. 866 00:36:13.599 --> 00:36:13.920 All right? 867 00:36:14.000 --> 00:36:14.900 It just drags. 868 00:36:15.300 --> 00:36:17.760 I remember people, you know, when you have a really 869 00:36:17.780 --> 00:36:20.019 young baby and there's all these kind of, all you 870 00:36:20.039 --> 00:36:21.940 need to do is get to six weeks and stuff 871 00:36:21.960 --> 00:36:22.340 like that. 872 00:36:22.559 --> 00:36:23.119 Oh, those people. 873 00:36:23.139 --> 00:36:25.280 And even that, I'd be like, six weeks? 874 00:36:25.300 --> 00:36:27.969 Are you fucking, that is so far away. 875 00:36:28.110 --> 00:36:30.289 I think I could do this in 12 hours. 876 00:36:34.420 --> 00:36:35.000 Weeks? 877 00:36:35.039 --> 00:36:36.639 Weeks. I know. 878 00:36:36.659 --> 00:36:38.670 And they say to you like, so they'll sleep a 879 00:36:38.690 --> 00:36:41.130 bit longer at six weeks. Six by six months, they'll 880 00:36:41.150 --> 00:36:43.030 be sleeping through the night. By a year, you'll get 881 00:36:43.070 --> 00:36:44.909 your life back to normal. We got to like six 882 00:36:44.949 --> 00:36:47.539 months and we're like, these bricks are still not sleeping 883 00:36:47.619 --> 00:36:52.000 more than two hours. Just my advice is it's really, 884 00:36:52.059 --> 00:36:54.920 really shit. And if you get anything that you enjoy 885 00:36:54.980 --> 00:36:57.260 out of it, good luck. That's great. Hang on to that. 886 00:36:57.320 --> 00:36:59.480 But there's people that go like, oh, could you kill 887 00:36:59.519 --> 00:37:05.079 baby Hitler in the day? Probably not. Middle of the night? Yes. 888 00:37:06.860 --> 00:37:08.059 Without hesitation. 889 00:37:11.480 --> 00:37:14.119 There was one point where like, Again, Chloe and I 890 00:37:14.139 --> 00:37:16.079 are quite good, so when one of us is about 891 00:37:16.099 --> 00:37:17.789 to lose it, the other one would always pick it up. 892 00:37:17.820 --> 00:37:21.440 But I do remember one time when one of them 893 00:37:21.539 --> 00:37:24.340 bit her nipple and I was like, I'll take over. 894 00:37:30.559 --> 00:37:32.679 So when you wrote the book, Jen, when you were 895 00:37:32.739 --> 00:37:35.650 experiencing it, at what point did you just think you 896 00:37:35.829 --> 00:37:37.190 were going to write a book about it? 897 00:37:37.369 --> 00:37:39.949 At no point. Chloe was the one. She was like, 898 00:37:41.469 --> 00:37:43.570 because we would obviously talk about it and then I 899 00:37:43.610 --> 00:37:45.300 would say stuff and then it would make her laugh. 900 00:37:45.340 --> 00:37:47.139 And she'd go, you need to write this stuff down. 901 00:37:47.199 --> 00:37:48.800 And I was like, I'm not going to. I said, 902 00:37:48.840 --> 00:37:52.119 I can't write anything. I'm so tired. So she wanted 903 00:37:52.159 --> 00:37:54.860 me to keep a diary, which I would. I've just 904 00:37:54.980 --> 00:37:56.800 I'm not one of those people that I can't see 905 00:37:56.820 --> 00:37:58.559 that don't see the point of it. And also, I 906 00:37:58.619 --> 00:38:01.070 never want. anyone to know what... I don't even want 907 00:38:01.090 --> 00:38:02.769 to know what I thought six months ago because it's 908 00:38:02.909 --> 00:38:03.809 usually grim. 909 00:38:04.230 --> 00:38:05.730 Also, most of my days are shit. 910 00:38:05.789 --> 00:38:06.090 Yeah. 911 00:38:06.110 --> 00:38:08.059 I don't remember it. I don't have to read it again. 912 00:38:08.079 --> 00:38:10.059 I didn't enjoy the day when I was there. I 913 00:38:10.079 --> 00:38:13.090 don't want to read it back. Exactly. I. 914 00:38:13.679 --> 00:38:16.440 started to write like a, like these little articles for 915 00:38:16.679 --> 00:38:20.980 Sarah Millican's website, Standard Issue. That's where the book sort 916 00:38:21.039 --> 00:38:23.179 of came from. So I'd start writing them and I'd 917 00:38:23.219 --> 00:38:26.780 only do like one a month. And then obviously the 918 00:38:26.800 --> 00:38:30.519 whole parenthood stuff, that just became my entire set. You know, 919 00:38:30.559 --> 00:38:33.159 when you're sometimes with

material, you really feel like you're 920 00:38:33.179 --> 00:38:34.760 writing it. And other times you just feel like you 921 00:38:34.780 --> 00:38:36.449 turn up on stage and you just say it. And 922 00:38:36.469 --> 00:38:38.409 that's what all of this stuff was. I was just 923 00:38:38.449 --> 00:38:41.750 turning up on stage. And because I was so tired, I. 924 00:38:41.710 --> 00:38:45.000 Didn't, Rob's never felt like he's writing it. 925 00:38:45.079 --> 00:38:50.480 I was going to say, Rob, I don't think... I 926 00:38:50.500 --> 00:38:53.519 can't imagine you sitting there with your pen and notepad going, hmm, 927 00:38:53.900 --> 00:38:54.820 and the next joke. 928 00:38:55.059 --> 00:38:57.449 Yeah, I tried that once. It was the worst stand-up 929 00:38:57.489 --> 00:39:00.769 I've ever done. It was awful. I just go and 930 00:39:00.809 --> 00:39:03.530 speak and hope for the best. That's my life. Are 931 00:39:03.550 --> 00:39:04.170 you stiff now? 932 00:39:04.190 --> 00:39:05.710 Well, Brighton works perfectly. 933 00:39:05.869 --> 00:39:06.750 Why change it? 934 00:39:07.210 --> 00:39:09.030 I do remember that, Jen. I did give you the 935 00:39:09.050 --> 00:39:11.610 best advice I ever gave anyone was your route home 936 00:39:11.909 --> 00:39:13.519 to Brighton from South East London. 937 00:39:13.860 --> 00:39:16.179 Oh, I mean, that changed my life. I'm not joking, actually. 938 00:39:16.519 --> 00:39:18.340 I don't know what I'd been doing going straight through 939 00:39:18.380 --> 00:39:20.900 London from Brighton. And you were like, the look of 940 00:39:20.980 --> 00:39:23.199 incredulity on your face. You're like, what the fuck are 941 00:39:23.219 --> 00:39:26.309 you doing that? What do you want to do? Get 942 00:39:26.349 --> 00:39:28.190 on the M25. Go all the way down. Join it 943 00:39:28.210 --> 00:39:31.219 at the eighth two, get onto the whatever it is. 944 00:39:31.239 --> 00:39:31.519 M23, yeah. 945 00:39:31.590 --> 00:39:34.449 And it saved, what was it, 45 minutes of your journey? 946 00:39:34.670 --> 00:39:36.710 Honestly, I think I texted you when I went, got home, 947 00:39:36.750 --> 00:39:38.489 didn't I? I went, mate, I've got home 45 minutes 948 00:39:38.530 --> 00:39:40.469 earlier than usual. This is a whole new. 949 00:39:40.389 --> 00:39:43.599 World for me. It's a bit London-centric though, but Josh, 950 00:39:43.619 --> 00:39:45.960 Jen was driving, right, going from Brighton all the way 951 00:39:46.000 --> 00:39:49.059 through Croydon into almost central London and then just doing 952 00:39:49.079 --> 00:39:49.679 a right. 953 00:39:49.800 --> 00:39:51.480 What? What, to get to South East London? 954 00:39:51.500 --> 00:39:54.570 Yeah, rather than A2, M25, straight round. And I told you, 955 00:39:54.590 --> 00:39:56.389 you know when you see an open goal, it's unbelievable. 956 00:39:56.670 --> 00:39:58.889 I just thought, man, this is going straight. I'm going 957 00:39:58.909 --> 00:40:03.489 to just deliver one of the greatest travel directions of 958 00:40:03.550 --> 00:40:05.530 all time. The only time my dad would have been 959 00:40:05.550 --> 00:40:05.969 proud of me. 960 00:40:06.250 --> 00:40:09.719 It was literally the most classic green room conversation you've 961 00:40:09.860 --> 00:40:10.360 ever heard. 962 00:40:11.010 --> 00:40:12.190 Have you not got a sat-nav? 963 00:40:12.250 --> 00:40:14.030 Yeah, that's where my sat-nav was going, that this was 964 00:40:14.070 --> 00:40:14.949 the quickest route. 965 00:40:15.130 --> 00:40:17.559 Had you marked in your sat-nav, like, points of interest, 966 00:40:17.679 --> 00:40:19.639 so you weren't just a big band in Viking Palace 967 00:40:19.739 --> 00:40:20.380 on the way? 968 00:40:20.500 --> 00:40:23.739 No, Rob's exaggerating. I did not go through central London 969 00:40:23.800 --> 00:40:25.989 and then crack down again. But I was going through. 970 00:40:26.070 --> 00:40:26.449 Edgeware Road. 971 00:40:26.469 --> 00:40:32.409 Hemblewell, New Cross. LAUGHTER Yeah, took in the eye and 972 00:40:32.429 --> 00:40:32.730 then all. 973 00:40:32.679 --> 00:40:35.139 The way back round again. But now I realise she 974 00:40:35.159 --> 00:40:36.880 was doing that so you could leave the house earlier 975 00:40:36.900 --> 00:40:37.989 to get away from twin boys. 976 00:40:38.050 --> 00:40:40.369 It was taking me two hours when it only needed 977 00:40:40.409 --> 00:40:42.460 to take me an hour and 15 minutes. Anyway, we've 978 00:40:42.500 --> 00:40:43.480 learned a lot and. 979 00:40:43.340 --> 00:40:45.679 It's all good. Sorry about that. That just basically brought 980 00:40:45.699 --> 00:40:47.460 that up to pick myself up. Totally nothing to do 981 00:40:47.480 --> 00:40:48.000 with parenting. 982 00:40:48.159 --> 00:40:50.130 Do you know what? It's great content. 983 00:40:50.150 --> 00:40:51.989 Imagine if you're listening to this now and you're going 984 00:40:52.010 --> 00:40:55.469 through Canberra on the way to Greenwich, you'd be like, oh, 985 00:40:55.489 --> 00:40:57.829 my God. Not only have I listened to 45-minute podcasts, 986 00:40:57.869 --> 00:41:00.530 I've saved myself 45 minutes on the journey home. I'm 987 00:41:00.570 --> 00:41:01.659 doing myself out of work. 988 00:41:02.199 --> 00:41:03.840 This is why I don't have a diary, because it 989 00:41:03.860 --> 00:41:05.280 would be this kind of content, all right? 990 00:41:05.599 --> 00:41:09.190 LAUGHTER So when you came to write the book, so 991 00:41:09.250 --> 00:41:11.690 did you, are you racking your brains for kind of 992 00:41:11.949 --> 00:41:14.230 memories of what it was all like? Or can you 993 00:41:14.269 --> 00:41:15.050 just go back there? 994 00:41:15.269 --> 00:41:18.059 The main stuff, yeah, I remembered a lot of it. 995 00:41:18.260 --> 00:41:20.579 And also any stuff that I didn't remember, Chloe was like, oh, what, 996 00:41:20.599 --> 00:41:22.139 you don't remember,

blah, blah, blah. I was like, oh 997 00:41:22.159 --> 00:41:23.840 my God, that's gold. Let me take that down. So 998 00:41:23.860 --> 00:41:26.280 I was like writing stuff down. And then once you 999 00:41:26.300 --> 00:41:28.239 start writing stuff, it does come back. I'm sure if 1000 00:41:28.300 --> 00:41:29.760 I had kept a diary, there would have been a 1001 00:41:29.800 --> 00:41:31.989 load more stuff that I could have written about that 1002 00:41:32.010 --> 00:41:33.849 would have been funny or would have been, because the 1003 00:41:33.869 --> 00:41:36.269 book is basically a comedy memoir. It's not supposed to be, 1004 00:41:36.289 --> 00:41:37.800 you know. You're not supposed to read it and go, 1005 00:41:37.869 --> 00:41:41.889 I've learned so much about parenting from Jen Barista. You'll 1006 00:41:41.909 --> 00:41:44.519 learn nothing. It's just supposed to be funny and supposed 1007 00:41:44.539 --> 00:41:46.340 to be a companion for people that might, you know, 1008 00:41:46.420 --> 00:41:49.139 be going through what I'm going through. And also I 1009 00:41:49.199 --> 00:41:52.360 wrote it because when Chloe was pregnant, I was like, oh, 1010 00:41:52.659 --> 00:41:56.050 I felt very insecure about being a parent because obviously, 1011 00:41:56.820 --> 00:41:58.909 you know, I've got no biological connection to my children. 1012 00:41:58.949 --> 00:42:01.789 And I'm like, I'm literally completely the spare wheel. I 1013 00:42:01.789 --> 00:42:03.409 was like, I don't really know what the point of 1014 00:42:03.429 --> 00:42:05.210 me is in all of this. And then after they 1015 00:42:05.230 --> 00:42:08.150 were born, then obviously you have a practical role to play. 1016 00:42:08.190 --> 00:42:11.380 Because I don't know how you guys, how quickly you 1017 00:42:11.400 --> 00:42:18.789 connected with your daughters. Still struggling. LAUGHTER Josh, I don't 1018 00:42:18.829 --> 00:42:19.389 believe that. 1019 00:42:19.590 --> 00:42:20.969 I don't believe that for a second. Can I be 1020 00:42:20.989 --> 00:42:22.869 honest though, Jen? Like, you know when they say once 1021 00:42:22.889 --> 00:42:25.429 you have the baby, you just feel something? I genuinely 1022 00:42:25.469 --> 00:42:28.800 felt nothing for about six months. Obviously, I felt something 1023 00:42:28.820 --> 00:42:30.579 because they were cute, like you would have a cute baby. 1024 00:42:30.619 --> 00:42:32.719 But even then, I still don't really feel like a 1025 00:42:32.739 --> 00:42:36.019 connection like them on some sort of biological subconscious level. 1026 00:42:36.280 --> 00:42:39.760 It's more just that over time, this lovely little cute 1027 00:42:39.780 --> 00:42:41.699 things come into my life that I fell in love with. 1028 00:42:41.719 --> 00:42:44.860 I There was never an initial boom. There's a thing. 1029 00:42:44.980 --> 00:42:47.380 It's just that thing you just love over time. It's 1030 00:42:47.440 --> 00:42:50.760 a strange feeling. But I

never found a, oh, this 1031 00:42:50.840 --> 00:42:52.940 is my kid or this is a big moment. 1032 00:42:53.599 --> 00:42:56.400 The best advice I got before having a kid was 1033 00:42:56.699 --> 00:42:58.420 don't put pressure on yourself to have this kind of 1034 00:42:58.460 --> 00:43:00.519 Hollywood moment, if you know what I mean. 1035 00:43:00.739 --> 00:43:01.139 Yeah, yeah. 1036 00:43:01.159 --> 00:43:04.019 Because I think there's so much pressure on you. Like 1037 00:43:04.059 --> 00:43:07.179 I remember when my friend was having his kid and 1038 00:43:07.300 --> 00:43:10.130 his mate said to him, you will feel a love 1039 00:43:10.389 --> 00:43:12.869 like you've never felt before the first moment you see 1040 00:43:12.909 --> 00:43:15.349 that child. And then he kind of ended up like 1041 00:43:15.389 --> 00:43:17.690 almost beating himself up over the fact that he hadn't 1042 00:43:17.769 --> 00:43:20.510 felt this kind of insane moment of. 1043 00:43:20.809 --> 00:43:24.139 No one does. They just say it for attention on Facebook. 1044 00:43:24.960 --> 00:43:28.019 I was going to say, I think that particularly as 1045 00:43:28.699 --> 00:43:31.059 the other, you know, like if you're the dad or 1046 00:43:31.099 --> 00:43:34.079 like me, just the other parent, I think it would be, 1047 00:43:34.099 --> 00:43:37.139 I just don't know how you would suddenly just, they're like, 1048 00:43:37.199 --> 00:43:38.570 for me, they were just two strangers. 1049 00:43:38.869 --> 00:43:39.110 Yeah. 1050 00:43:39.409 --> 00:43:42.429 I don't know them. I've got no. And so for me, 1051 00:43:42.650 --> 00:43:44.530 I was like, oh, well, that's just because there's no 1052 00:43:44.570 --> 00:43:47.989 biological connection. And that's why I'm feeling a little bit detached. 1053 00:43:48.849 --> 00:43:52.239 But then I felt really, you know, I felt like 1054 00:43:52.280 --> 00:43:53.900 my brother was like, oh, no, I felt nothing for 1055 00:43:53.940 --> 00:43:58.539 like the first year. That's quite a long time. And 1056 00:43:58.579 --> 00:44:00.579 he was like, no, you know, you feel really protective 1057 00:44:00.619 --> 00:44:03.460 of your child and you care about them and you 1058 00:44:03.480 --> 00:44:05.619 don't want anything bad to happen to them. And, you know, 1059 00:44:06.079 --> 00:44:08.199 He said, but that feeling that everyone was going on about, 1060 00:44:08.500 --> 00:44:10.800 like deep, deep love where you'd like, oh, my God, 1061 00:44:10.840 --> 00:44:13.119 I love you so much. He said that took a 1062 00:44:13.159 --> 00:44:17.300 lot longer to come. Whereas with Chloe, when the boys 1063 00:44:17.320 --> 00:44:20.309 were born, and again, it doesn't always happen for the 1064 00:44:20.349 --> 00:44:23.110 mother either. That's also a myth. But for Chloe, it 1065 00:44:23.170 --> 00:44:26.809 definitely happened for her. Like I could see it, like 1066 00:44:26.909 --> 00:44:30.050 all the hormones that are produced

after a baby is born. 1067 00:44:30.349 --> 00:44:34.150 She had them like triple, I mean, like doubled up. Well, obviously, 1068 00:44:34.170 --> 00:44:37.699 because it was two of them. So she looked like high, 1069 00:44:38.019 --> 00:44:39.320 like she was on drugs. 1070 00:44:39.420 --> 00:44:42.199 I think it is different. Genuinely, the feeling I had 1071 00:44:42.219 --> 00:44:45.599 when I got given my daughter was I felt like 1072 00:44:45.699 --> 00:44:49.130 I just started a temp job and the boss had 1073 00:44:49.170 --> 00:44:51.190 given me her kid. And I was like, well, I 1074 00:44:51.230 --> 00:44:53.829 better do this well because I need this money for rent. 1075 00:44:54.210 --> 00:44:54.989 That was my feeling. 1076 00:44:55.030 --> 00:44:55.130 Yeah. 1077 00:44:56.289 --> 00:44:59.050 I've got to do it. You know what I mean? 1078 00:45:00.530 --> 00:45:02.530 And I did. I've looked after it, you know, looked 1079 00:45:02.650 --> 00:45:04.840 after it for the last four years. So, you know, 1080 00:45:05.219 --> 00:45:07.400 but it's like, yeah, you grow that for me. Then 1081 00:45:07.460 --> 00:45:10.300 life grew. But at the time, there wasn't really that emotion. 1082 00:45:10.320 --> 00:45:10.539 But yeah. 1083 00:45:11.019 --> 00:45:13.480 How was you during the... Did you enjoy the birth? 1084 00:45:13.519 --> 00:45:15.800 Was it stressful? Because we spoke about it on here 1085 00:45:15.820 --> 00:45:18.920 before and I find it a very stressful experience, even 1086 00:45:18.940 --> 00:45:21.039 to obviously, even just to be watching. 1087 00:45:21.139 --> 00:45:24.360 Well, I mean, I feel like I got away lightly 1088 00:45:24.429 --> 00:45:29.250 because the... twins were but they were both breach and 1089 00:45:29.630 --> 00:45:33.110 so they the the hospital just said absolutely no way 1090 00:45:33.150 --> 00:45:33.610 can we. 1091 00:45:33.710 --> 00:45:36.010 No even don't cancel the other breach out does it 1092 00:45:36.050 --> 00:45:36.809 double breach. 1093 00:45:40.429 --> 00:45:43.530 So neither of them are breached that's what a double 1094 00:45:43.550 --> 00:45:49.230 breach is um So they were like, you can't have 1095 00:45:49.250 --> 00:45:51.929 a natural birth. Like there wasn't even an option. We 1096 00:45:51.949 --> 00:45:55.349 had a cesarean booked in and that came with its 1097 00:45:55.449 --> 00:45:59.130 own weirdness because the cesarean was booked in 25th of September. 1098 00:45:59.710 --> 00:46:02.039 Then on the 24th of September, when we went to sleep, 1099 00:46:02.590 --> 00:46:05.329 We knew that at 9.30 on the 25th of September, 1100 00:46:05.349 --> 00:46:08.150 we were going to have twin boys. And that was weird. 1101 00:46:08.349 --> 00:46:08.820 That was so weird. 1102 00:46:08.840 --> 00:46:12.940 Did you have one last chance to get absolutely hammered? 1103 00:46:12.980 --> 00:46:15.219 Imagine what you're necessarily hung over. 1104 00:46:15.579 --> 00:46:18.420 You want to get your birth hung over? Oh, my God. 1105 00:46:18.920 --> 00:46:20.800 You'd rather a pizza be delivered at that stage. 1106 00:46:21.570 --> 00:46:21.909 Also. 1107 00:46:22.420 --> 00:46:25.199 I mean, you've both seen what happens when a baby's born. 1108 00:46:25.219 --> 00:46:26.440 Do you want to be hung over when all that 1109 00:46:26.460 --> 00:46:28.219 stuff comes out? No. 1110 00:46:28.320 --> 00:46:30.809 Absolutely not. I didn't know what a placenta was until 1111 00:46:30.849 --> 00:46:32.389 I saw one. That was a shock, I tell you. 1112 00:46:32.829 --> 00:46:33.349 Oh, my God. 1113 00:46:33.429 --> 00:46:36.909 I should have read the whole book about labour. I'll 1114 00:46:36.929 --> 00:46:38.090 stop after the baby come out. 1115 00:46:38.400 --> 00:46:40.820 The placenta really is quite, yeah. 1116 00:46:40.860 --> 00:46:42.920 Yeah, you're never ready for a placenta. That's what I've 1117 00:46:42.940 --> 00:46:44.139 always said. I've lived by that. 1118 00:46:44.179 --> 00:46:46.110 You should never be. The people that are ready for 1119 00:46:46.119 --> 00:46:46.489 a placenta. 1120 00:46:46.510 --> 00:46:49.130 You're never ready for a placenta until you see one. 1121 00:46:49.289 --> 00:46:51.010 It's like skydiving. You can't practice it. 1122 00:46:51.050 --> 00:46:52.590 You've just got to experience it. 1123 00:46:52.590 --> 00:46:54.809 Also, with being at school, Jen, as well, how have 1124 00:46:54.829 --> 00:46:58.409 you approached, like, obviously, you know, having two mums, essentially, like, 1125 00:46:59.090 --> 00:47:02.079 going into school and have they asked questions or was 1126 00:47:02.139 --> 00:47:04.300 it something you was concerned about, you know, when you 1127 00:47:04.320 --> 00:47:07.380 decided to have kids or not, like, with the same-sex parents? 1128 00:47:08.429 --> 00:47:11.730 Yeah. Do you know what? That was another worry about 1129 00:47:12.210 --> 00:47:15.389 the two mums. And we live in Brighton and obviously 1130 00:47:15.630 --> 00:47:18.750 a very sort of deliberate move because we wanted our 1131 00:47:18.769 --> 00:47:23.780 children to be around other parents, same-sex parents. But as 1132 00:47:23.820 --> 00:47:28.280 it is, we're the only same-sex parents that I can 1133 00:47:28.320 --> 00:47:31.219 see in the whole school. But they have asked questions 1134 00:47:31.300 --> 00:47:33.599 and they've asked about... But because we have got other 1135 00:47:33.619 --> 00:47:37.460 mates who have got children and they're gay couples... For 1136 00:47:37.539 --> 00:47:40.659 our kids, it just feels quite normal. And also because 1137 00:47:40.800 --> 00:47:43.619 all of their peers, you know, know us. And so 1138 00:47:43.719 --> 00:47:45.440 it's normal for them. So no one's kind of gone, 1139 00:47:45.480 --> 00:47:47.260 why do you have two mums and you don't have 1140 00:47:47.280 --> 00:47:49.800 a dad? No one said that because they're like, in 1141 00:47:49.840 -->

00:47:53.079 their heads, for all of these children that my kids 1142 00:47:53.099 --> 00:47:55.559 sort of bob about with, they know that some kids 1143 00:47:55.579 --> 00:47:57.760 have two mums, some kids have two dads, some kids 1144 00:47:57.780 --> 00:47:59.940 have a mum and a dad, or just a mum 1145 00:47:59.980 --> 00:48:02.500 or just a dad. And so they take it all 1146 00:48:02.519 --> 00:48:05.070 in their stride and they don't really question any of it. 1147 00:48:05.159 --> 00:48:07.989 And I think... that's a good thing that these kids 1148 00:48:08.030 --> 00:48:11.570 have that. because there's no otherness for them. It's all normal, 1149 00:48:11.849 --> 00:48:12.590 which is lovely. Yeah. 1150 00:48:13.030 --> 00:48:14.929 And I think you can always, if anything, if you're 1151 00:48:14.949 --> 00:48:17.150 worried about, I think sometimes it can always be the 1152 00:48:17.570 --> 00:48:20.909 parents' worry projected onto the kids. And kids at school 1153 00:48:20.929 --> 00:48:23.250 will always be picked on about something or something they've 1154 00:48:23.309 --> 00:48:26.269 brought up about, you know, even having the wrong bag. 1155 00:48:26.309 --> 00:48:29.130 I remember getting bullied for having high-tech socks. Do you 1156 00:48:29.150 --> 00:48:29.769 know what I mean? 1157 00:48:29.809 --> 00:48:30.869 That's fair enough, I think. 1158 00:48:30.889 --> 00:48:32.070 That's bad though, Rob. 1159 00:48:32.139 --> 00:48:34.510 That is bad. It was a different time back then. 1160 00:48:34.530 --> 00:48:35.300 I'd have bullied you for that. 1161 00:48:35.340 --> 00:48:40.610 LAUGHTER but like so like whatever it is they'll find 1162 00:48:40.650 --> 00:48:43.369 something and i from what i've like sort of observed 1163 00:48:43.409 --> 00:48:46.239 at school gates it's very much the parents own worries 1164 00:48:46.320 --> 00:48:48.619 and concerns that get projected onto the kids and the 1165 00:48:48.639 --> 00:48:50.519 kids don't really care like um one of my best 1166 00:48:50.559 --> 00:48:53.400 mates tim's married to us in a gay couple and 1167 00:48:53.420 --> 00:48:55.739 they're just so just like oh and they're like oh 1168 00:48:55.780 --> 00:48:58.239 so tim tim and sid are married aren't they they're 1169 00:48:58.260 --> 00:48:59.940 two husbands and stuff and it's like yeah and they're 1170 00:48:59.960 --> 00:49:03.219 like oh, how come it's like two boys and not 1171 00:49:03.239 --> 00:49:04.659 a boy and a girl? It's like, well, oh, because 1172 00:49:04.760 --> 00:49:06.780 some boys like boys and girls like it doesn't really matter. 1173 00:49:06.800 --> 00:49:07.989 And then they just go, all right, can I have 1174 00:49:08.010 --> 00:49:12.090 a sandwich? They just don't care. It's just so instantly accepted. Exactly. 1175 00:49:12.630 --> 00:49:15.250 They see that as an opportunity to get a sandwich, Rob. 1176 00:49:15.269 --> 00:49:17.019 They're absolutely playing it. 1177 00:49:17.050 -->

00:49:20.630 Also, safe sex parents will be so, by the time they're, 18, 1178 00:49:20.610 --> 00:49:21.210 that'll be just. 1179 00:49:21.309 --> 00:49:21.869 It'll be normal. 1180 00:49:21.889 --> 00:49:22.690 It'll be so normal. 1181 00:49:22.710 --> 00:49:23.250 It'll be so normal. 1182 00:49:23.269 --> 00:49:24.010 You know what I mean? 1183 00:49:24.150 --> 00:49:27.360 And it kind of, it's like this generation, our kids' generation, 1184 00:49:27.380 --> 00:49:30.199 because there's so many of us, like gay couples having 1185 00:49:30.260 --> 00:49:33.039 children and they're all about this age now, between two, three, 1186 00:49:33.079 --> 00:49:36.119 four and five. that it's not going to be like, oh, 1187 00:49:36.159 --> 00:49:39.320 that's a bit weird. And, you know, we've done the 1188 00:49:39.360 --> 00:49:42.489 whole conversation about where babies come from and, you know, 1189 00:49:43.030 --> 00:49:44.809 where they came from and how they were born and 1190 00:49:44.869 --> 00:49:47.070 how it's different. And they, you know, they just sort 1191 00:49:47.090 --> 00:49:50.130 of take it in their stride. Obviously, as they get older, 1192 00:49:50.150 --> 00:49:52.090 they're going to have more questions. And then I'm just 1193 00:49:52.110 --> 00:49:53.610 going to send them to a therapist. And I think 1194 00:49:53.630 --> 00:49:54.170 that's fine. 1195 00:49:55.530 --> 00:49:57.409 I think most people need to go to a therapist anyway. 1196 00:49:57.429 --> 00:49:57.929 Exactly. 1197 00:49:57.949 --> 00:50:00.469 Whoever your parents are. I think it's a healthy way. 1198 00:50:00.489 --> 00:50:02.730 Same way as you go, you know, to a chiropractor 1199 00:50:02.750 --> 00:50:04.289 if you've got a bad back. If you're stressed out, 1200 00:50:04.329 --> 00:50:05.030 go and see a therapist. 1201 00:50:05.230 --> 00:50:05.449 Oh, yeah. 1202 00:50:05.469 --> 00:50:07.730 It's a sensible way to deal with it. But, yeah, 1203 00:50:07.769 --> 00:50:10.309 also as well, the bad thing is, it's only because 1204 00:50:10.349 --> 00:50:13.010 it's a visible thing where, like, it's obvious that they've 1205 00:50:13.050 --> 00:50:15.800 got two mums, where there's so many straight couples that 1206 00:50:15.820 --> 00:50:17.429 have to go the IVF route and they'll have to 1207 00:50:17.820 --> 00:50:20.000 use donated sperm in order to have kids and stuff, 1208 00:50:20.019 --> 00:50:22.420 that because it's not visible, like, people just assume that, oh, 1209 00:50:22.440 --> 00:50:24.500 that was just a natural IVF. They don't ask questions. 1210 00:50:25.000 --> 00:50:27.340 But when it's visible that it's two women, it's sort 1211 00:50:27.360 --> 00:50:29.420 of like, OK, so, and then they sort of ask 1212 00:50:29.440 --> 00:50:31.340 questions and stuff. And there's so many other children that. 1213 00:50:31.639 --> 00:50:33.539 Yeah, conceived that way, yeah. 1214 00:50:33.559 --> 00:50:35.579 Conceived that way, but it's not spoken about or as 1215 00:50:35.619 --> 00:50:38.519 obvious because it's same-sex, it sort of is asked about, 1216 00:50:38.539 --> 00:50:41.739 where there's plenty of people that have that way they're conceived. 1217 00:50:41.900 --> 00:50:44.940 Yeah, but you can preserve your anonymity, can't you, when 1218 00:50:44.960 --> 00:50:47.119 you're in a sort of heterosexual relationship. 1219 00:50:47.159 --> 00:50:48.760 But I feel. 1220 00:50:49.420 --> 00:50:52.800 I'm not really worried about them experiencing any sort of 1221 00:50:53.119 --> 00:50:57.340 bullying about that. But, you know, as and when, if 1222 00:50:57.389 --> 00:50:58.889 it does happen. But like you said, kids could get 1223 00:50:58.929 --> 00:50:59.690 bullied about anything. 1224 00:50:59.710 --> 00:51:02.289 Yeah, just get Nike socks. Just some Nike socks will do. 1225 00:51:02.929 --> 00:51:04.610 As you said, one of them's got a bad eye, Jen. 1226 00:51:04.630 --> 00:51:05.550 That's what you should be worried about. 1227 00:51:05.690 --> 00:51:08.289 I know, I know. He's got poor love. He just 1228 00:51:08.409 --> 00:51:09.909 keeps swerving all over the place. 1229 00:51:10.130 --> 00:51:11.570 When I was a kid as well, I had the biggest, 1230 00:51:11.610 --> 00:51:13.550 fattest nipples you've ever seen, right? To the point where 1231 00:51:13.570 --> 00:51:17.150 they would just dominate my chest through a blazer. And 1232 00:51:17.550 --> 00:51:19.949 I would have swapped them for same-sex parents any day 1233 00:51:19.989 --> 00:51:21.789 of the week. 1234 00:51:21.809 --> 00:51:24.340 Do you know what I mean? 1235 00:51:24.380 --> 00:51:26.590 You've never seen nipples like it. They've barely recovered. 1236 00:51:26.739 --> 00:51:28.199 When did you grow into your nipples, Rob? 1237 00:51:28.380 --> 00:51:35.699 Still going. 48, they reckon. It was a combination of 1238 00:51:35.730 --> 00:51:38.510 being overweight, puberty, but they've calmed down a little bit. 1239 00:51:38.550 --> 00:51:41.210 I'm fully pubed up now and I've lost a little 1240 00:51:41.230 --> 00:51:43.289 bit of timber. So they have gone down. So if 1241 00:51:43.349 --> 00:51:45.369 anyone listening with big fat nips out there, there is 1242 00:51:45.449 --> 00:51:47.940 a way out. And if you've been trigger warning for 1243 00:51:47.960 --> 00:51:49.199 big fat nip people out there. 1244 00:51:50.519 --> 00:51:52.039 Yeah, you're going to have to put a trigger warning 1245 00:51:52.079 --> 00:51:53.159 at the front of this podcast. 1246 00:51:53.380 --> 00:51:56.340 Yeah, or maybe they covered some same-sex topic. No, it's 1247 00:51:56.380 --> 00:51:57.570 about big fat nip people. 1248 00:51:58.699 --> 00:51:59.929 If I'd have known they were going to cover such 1249 00:51:59.969 --> 00:52:02.849 sensitive material, I'd have. 1250 00:52:01.889 --> 00:52:03.989 Never downloaded this podcast. I'll tell you what, they weren't 1251 00:52:04.030 --> 00:52:06.090 as sensitive as they

look like they should be, either. 1252 00:52:06.690 --> 00:52:08.150 I was going to say, big nipples, that could have 1253 00:52:08.170 --> 00:52:09.829 been quite nice. 1254 00:52:10.050 --> 00:52:13.150 No? No, no, awful, awful. Anyway, let's not get bogged 1255 00:52:13.170 --> 00:52:14.590 down by that. Jen, this has been amazing. 1256 00:52:14.610 --> 00:52:18.130 Jen, I've got one last question. Would you want your 1257 00:52:18.170 --> 00:52:20.750 children to read your book And how would you feel 1258 00:52:21.650 --> 00:52:24.030 if they read the book? How do you feel they'd 1259 00:52:24.070 --> 00:52:27.010 feel about it? Once they've learned all the different sounds, obviously, 1260 00:52:27.030 --> 00:52:28.840 which will be a year or. 1261 00:52:28.760 --> 00:52:30.579 Two too late. 1262 00:52:31.940 --> 00:52:34.679 There's lots of magic ease in this, Mum. I think 1263 00:52:34.739 --> 00:52:38.099 it's mainly a book about me failing as a parent. 1264 00:52:38.460 --> 00:52:41.800 So I think if they read it, they wouldn't be like, oh, Mum, 1265 00:52:41.840 --> 00:52:43.579 why did you say this about me? Be like, Mum, 1266 00:52:43.659 --> 00:52:46.360 why would you admit to being this shit at being 1267 00:52:46.400 --> 00:52:49.289 a parent? Yeah. So I'm not worried about that. And 1268 00:52:49.309 --> 00:52:52.980 I think there will come a point, particularly with my stand-up, 1269 00:52:53.460 --> 00:52:55.360 where I will just have to knock it on the 1270 00:52:55.380 --> 00:52:57.739 head and not really talk about them because it gets 1271 00:52:57.780 --> 00:52:59.920 to a point where they, if it's going to be 1272 00:52:59.960 --> 00:53:01.969 embarrassing for them at school or they're going to, you know, 1273 00:53:02.010 --> 00:53:04.170 I don't want them to, I don't want to be 1274 00:53:04.309 --> 00:53:06.989 using them endlessly. But while they're this small. 1275 00:53:07.449 --> 00:53:10.090 Also, though, the thing is, though, you've got to use 1276 00:53:10.130 --> 00:53:11.309 them for stuff. Do you know what I mean? Like, 1277 00:53:11.349 --> 00:53:12.670 if they grab and go, I've got a problem with 1278 00:53:12.690 --> 00:53:13.829 this book, go, what have you? Well, get out of 1279 00:53:13.849 --> 00:53:15.250 this kitchen because that's what you're paid for. 1280 00:53:15.409 --> 00:53:15.610 All right? 1281 00:53:15.630 --> 00:53:18.309 You've got a problem? Get out of the fridge. You've 1282 00:53:18.329 --> 00:53:20.690 got to earn money somehow. It was a worldwide pandemic. 1283 00:53:20.710 --> 00:53:21.909 I couldn't work for five months. 1284 00:53:23.150 --> 00:53:24.670 And they're like, yeah, Mum, but why did you have 1285 00:53:24.690 --> 00:53:25.949 to tell everyone that we used to sniff each other's 1286 00:53:25.969 --> 00:53:28.289 bum holes in the bath? Well, I'll tell you why. 1287 00:53:28.329 --> 00:53:29.860 Because it was funny. All right? So enjoy your PS4. 1288 00:53:30.110 --> 00:53:31.630 We only had your sister so we could get a 1289 00:53:31.650 --> 00:53:32.369 second book deal. 1290 00:53:32.570 --> 00:53:32.750 Yeah. 1291 00:53:35.280 --> 00:53:38.000 Oh, Jen, it's been amazing. Thank you so much. Have 1292 00:53:38.019 --> 00:53:40.090 a plug for your book. What's the book again? 1293 00:53:40.280 --> 00:53:43.329 It's called The Other Mother. It's by myself, Jim Brister, 1294 00:53:43.369 --> 00:53:45.530 and you can buy it wherever you buy a book, basically. 1295 00:53:45.750 --> 00:53:46.530 Local bookshop. 1296 00:53:46.809 --> 00:53:48.110 Local bookshop online. 1297 00:53:48.150 --> 00:53:49.550 Get it on Amazon quick and cheap. 1298 00:53:51.539 --> 00:53:54.420 Oh, God. 1299 00:53:54.440 --> 00:53:56.539 Sorry, I'm joking. It's not joking. 1300 00:53:56.559 --> 00:53:57.940 You're so not joking. 1301 00:53:58.079 --> 00:54:00.000 Okay, don't go to the bookshop that goes, oh, we 1302 00:54:00.059 --> 00:54:03.300 shut between three and five. Ring this number, get in 1303 00:54:03.340 --> 00:54:04.880 that shop and we'll earn a living. If you want 1304 00:54:04.900 --> 00:54:06.679 to earn some money, don't fuck about shutting it and 1305 00:54:06.699 --> 00:54:09.530 then moaning about Amazon, you lazy bastard. But yeah, go 1306 00:54:09.570 --> 00:54:12.010 to a local bookshop that's open, please, and get that book. 1307 00:54:12.110 --> 00:54:15.150 The Other Mother by Jen Brister. Thanks, Jen. 1308 00:54:15.409 --> 00:54:20.940 Thanks, guys. Bye. Jen Brister. I love Jen Brister, Josh. 1309 00:54:21.039 --> 00:54:21.900 She's so brilliant. 1310 00:54:22.300 --> 00:54:23.940 Um, and actually I'm in love and I'm going to 1311 00:54:23.960 --> 00:54:24.500 ruin her marriage. 1312 00:54:27.760 --> 00:54:31.289 Uh, she's amazing. And, um, her book, the other mother, uh, 1313 00:54:31.449 --> 00:54:35.949 is out from all, uh, major and unmajor retailers. Um, 1314 00:54:36.369 --> 00:54:39.050 twins blows my mind. I still can't quite, not the film. 1315 00:54:39.590 --> 00:54:44.329 Um, how did they do the prosthetics? Is he really 1316 00:54:44.349 --> 00:54:45.300 that much bigger than him? 1317 00:54:45.309 --> 00:54:51.670 Um, Twins, it just, I always used to think before 1318 00:54:51.710 --> 00:54:54.099 I had a kid, I think twins would be great. 1319 00:54:54.340 --> 00:54:56.920 It's now like something that if I were to think 1320 00:54:56.940 --> 00:54:59.679 about having twins just before going to sleep, it would 1321 00:54:59.699 --> 00:55:00.980 be the kind of thing that would keep me up. 1322 00:55:01.039 --> 00:55:03.780 Well, my mum's friend had twins and they were identical. 1323 00:55:03.820 --> 00:55:05.840 So I had to paint like nail varnish on one 1324 00:55:05.860 --> 00:55:07.510 of their toes to tell which one was which. 1325 00:55:07.869 --> 00:55:08.329 Oh, wow. 1326 00:55:08.369 --> 00:55:10.190 When they were really young. Not now, he's like 18. 1327 00:55:10.190 --> 00:55:13.369

Just come here, get your shoe off. Right, have you 1328 00:55:13.389 --> 00:55:13.630 had lunch? 1329 00:55:13.650 --> 00:55:13.769 Yeah. 1330 00:55:16.260 --> 00:55:17.780 Oh yeah, also as well, be honest with me, Josh, 1331 00:55:17.800 --> 00:55:22.239 did I undermine the question about the problems facing same-sex 1332 00:55:22.280 --> 00:55:24.400 couples sending their kids to school by talking about big 1333 00:55:24.440 --> 00:55:24.880 fat nips? 1334 00:55:25.440 --> 00:55:27.320 Or was it quite a good bridge? No, if anything, 1335 00:55:27.360 --> 00:55:30.389 I think that showed a new and caring light that 1336 00:55:30.409 --> 00:55:33.070 people haven't seen from you before. I think when you 1337 00:55:33.150 --> 00:55:36.250 see one of the like big, let's call you the 1338 00:55:36.289 --> 00:55:38.110 behemoths of British showbiz, right? 1339 00:55:38.150 --> 00:55:39.349 Behemoth of British nipples. 1340 00:55:39.510 --> 00:55:42.579 Yeah, exactly. When you see them showing that kind of, 1341 00:55:43.550 --> 00:55:46.969 that fragility, I think that's a refreshing listen for everyone 1342 00:55:46.989 --> 00:55:47.289 at home. 1343 00:55:47.349 --> 00:55:49.630 I think that's... And I think as a performer, I've 1344 00:55:49.670 --> 00:55:53.809 always hidden behind this sort of strong, powerful, sexy, but 1345 00:55:53.909 --> 00:55:55.380 silent type vibe. 1346 00:55:55.699 --> 00:55:55.889 Yeah. 1347 00:55:55.969 --> 00:55:57.719 And it's good for me to open up and show 1348 00:55:57.800 --> 00:55:59.980 some of my vulnerabilities. You know what I mean? I'm 1349 00:56:00.019 --> 00:56:02.400 a bit Brando sometimes. I'm sort of the Marlon Brando 1350 00:56:02.420 --> 00:56:03.579 of comedy, aren't I, in a way? 1351 00:56:03.780 --> 00:56:07.130 Exactly, exactly. I do think if, you know... If our 1352 00:56:07.210 --> 00:56:09.730 listeners wanted to, you know, anyone who's good at Photoshop 1353 00:56:09.769 --> 00:56:11.590 wanted to create the image so that we could all 1354 00:56:11.650 --> 00:56:13.269 put it, see it and put it on the Instagram, 1355 00:56:13.309 --> 00:56:15.329 I think that would only help you cope with it more. 1356 00:56:15.570 --> 00:56:17.289 I mean, I think that's great. And, you know, to 1357 00:56:17.329 --> 00:56:19.510 those people that will be now Googling an image of 1358 00:56:19.570 --> 00:56:23.199 Rob Beckett Child to Photoshop big fat nips on it, just, 1359 00:56:23.449 --> 00:56:24.920 I think you need to be pushing yourself harder at 1360 00:56:24.960 --> 00:56:27.659 work or getting a hobby. Because that is too much time. 1361 00:56:27.960 --> 00:56:29.639 And you do not want that on your Google search. 1362 00:56:29.679 --> 00:56:33.440 You cannot explain your way out of, Rob Beckett as 1363 00:56:33.480 --> 00:56:36.300 a child so I can Photoshop some big fat nips on. 1364 00:56:36.320 --> 00:56:38.300 I mean, most people don't Google what they're going to 1365 00:56:38.320 --> 00:56:40.400 do with the image. That'd be an awful set. My 1366 00:56:40.420 --> 00:56:42.320 history would have to be set on fire if that 1367 00:56:42.340 --> 00:56:45.800 was the case. That's what they should do. That should 1368 00:56:45.820 --> 00:56:48.820 be a new internet law that whatever you Google, you've 1369 00:56:48.840 --> 00:56:56.710 got to say why you're doing it. Busty, juicy milf. Okay. 1370 00:56:56.750 --> 00:56:57.610 What am I doing this for? 1371 00:56:58.090 --> 00:56:59.550 That would actually bring up the picture of you with 1372 00:56:59.570 --> 00:57:00.469 the nipples. Anyway. 1373 00:57:00.530 --> 00:57:00.780 So.... 1374 00:57:02.519 --> 00:57:04.639 And just one more time, Rob, could you just take 1375 00:57:04.699 --> 00:57:06.760 us through the route from South East London to Brighton? 1376 00:57:06.860 --> 00:57:09.079 OK, here we go. I'll tell you what, I'm afraid 1377 00:57:09.139 --> 00:57:10.920 I do use the M6 toll if you want to 1378 00:57:10.980 --> 00:57:12.480 open this up to the Northern Powerhouse. 1379 00:57:12.500 --> 00:57:15.869 Right, so thanks for listening, everyone. 1380 00:57:15.889 --> 00:57:17.949 You can't put a price on stress. That's what I 1381 00:57:17.989 --> 00:57:18.570 say about travel. 1382 00:57:19.309 --> 00:57:20.769 You can actually, you, Les. 1383 00:57:20.869 --> 00:57:23.269 Don't get me started on you, Les. I can't drive 1384 00:57:23.309 --> 00:57:24.369 my fucking diesel. 1385 00:57:24.389 --> 00:57:25.650 We'll be back on Friday. 1386 00:57:25.849 --> 00:57:28.510 You're just wrapping this up. In two years' time, we're 1387 00:57:28.530 --> 00:57:30.429 going to have to pay you, Les, to drive a 1388 00:57:30.469 --> 00:57:35.110 Nissan Qashqai to Greenwich. Not on. Sadiq Khan, that is not... 1389 00:57:35.010 --> 00:57:36.340 I don't want to get into a rant. 1390 00:57:36.860 --> 00:57:39.099 Cheers, guys. We'll see you on Friday. 1391 00:57:39.119 --> 00:57:39.980 Goodbye. Goodbye.